God is good yesterday, today and tomorrow!

Ok, Michelle, here is the post for another time I mentioned in Abundantly More that you asked for! :)

I am not really sure when the beliefs started or if they have always been there. I know my legalistic background and black and white nature definitely fed the beliefs. I can look back on two major faith walks...the first two really big things I heard God say "do this", and I obeyed. Neither one of them had "happily ever after" endings! Not sure if that is when it started or they just solidified beliefs that were already there. I know the day Eden's tiny arms and body that was burning up with fever were ripped from my neck...the day I looked into her eyes and said, "I will be back in three days to get you"...believing it with everything I had in me...that day and the days that followed that have turned into years that I was not able to keep that promise was the beginning of a belief that kept me from believing God is good to me.

It wasn't that I didn't believe God is good. I did. You can't stand on the Bible as true and not believe on some level that He is good. You can't continue to follow Him and not believe on some leve He is good. And that is where it stopped for me. I would read the scriptures that talked about the righteous being rewarded or those who believed in Him not being disappointed, and I would literally write in my margins biting comments like "really?" or "doesn't seem like that to me". Showing you my really mature side here! Let me add that I could believe those versus for you! I could believe them for anyone but me.

I will never forget the overwhelming feeling of being "overlooked" by God on that first trip to Liberia when two precious families were able to bring home their newly adopted children. I know that all the work I had done on Eden's adoption, the hours of research, talking on the phone to the Embassy, etc, etc had prepared me for the work I had done that had united these two families with their children. But throughout that entire trip, there was an ache in my heart! There was a bitterness toward God. Why couldn't I have learned all this AND Eden come home in the end? Why did I not get to bring my brown baby girl home while these families got to benefit from my pain? To make matters worse, I had left my 11 month old baby at home (which was soooooo hard!) to make the trip to make sure all was well for these families! In those few days I truly came to believe that it was my lot in life to suffer so others could be blessed. There was another walk of obedience I was on that is too personal to share here, but it also reinforced this lie the enemy was using to demolish my trust and faith in God. It was a slow decay, but I know these events were setting the stage for the enemy to try to steal, kill and destroy my faith and trust in God.

I knew for the past 7 years this was happening on some level, but it was like I didn't know how to stop the decay! I continued to walk with God and follow His voice...and there were many more "disappointments" with few victories in those walks. Hebrews 11 became my life anthem as I asked God over and over WHY?! Why did these men and women "not receive what was promised?" (Hebrews 11:39) Why did some receive back their dead while others were stoned, sawn in two, put to death, destitute, etc, etc? I just resolved myself to be in that last category and decided I probably needed to just learn how to live in that place. But then I would read things like Mark 11 where if I believe I can cast a mountain into a sea, and if I ask believing I have received it and it will be given to me. Why was that not true of my prayers? Where was that truth in my life?

I am really not sure when it all turned around. I know I still struggle...which is the real reason for this post today! I know when we found our current church, a whole new level of belief opened because I understood more about the Holy Spirit and who He is in our lives. I understood more about power and how previously I wasn't operating with all the power available to me. I don't fully understand how all that plays into my past 7 years...or my past 27 as a Christian for that matter. But this I know, God wants us to always be learning more about Him and believing Him for Who He is and what He says!

Last year was one of the toughest of my life. I blogged about some but not all the struggles. I have questioned my obedience to God more in the last year than in my entire life! Not out of a "are you real God?" questioning, but out of a "I know you had to overestimate what I can handle" type of questioning. I have said before that when I think I have found the end of myself, God takes me one level lower....that has been true on just about a daily basis the last year.

As I began to pray toward the end of 2011 about the coming new year, God gave me Deuteronomy 6 as a scripture for 2012. It talks about remembering God as you walk into the promised land. God had given me scriptures on the promised land before, so I immediately began questioning what He meant! I didn't feel like the other promised land scriptures came to pass, so I was a little reluctant to go there. I knew I couldn't handle anymore "disappointment". I even talked myself out of what God was telling me the scriptures meant. I have two journal entries that totally contradict each other. When I wrestled with that, God showed me that it was just the enemy trying to once again steal kill and destroy my faith and belief that God is good.

God, through the scriptures, told me that 2012 would be the year I would see victory in many areas that I had prayed for breakthrough! There are about four areas that I believe we will see victory in before 2012 ends. One of them is our finances! This is already a lengthy post, so I will save some of those thoughts! But the bottom line is I didn't believe God was good in our finances. I would see other families who only had 2 or 3 children and what they could do with their resources, and I would get angry about the life God had called me to. Shallow? YES! Immature? YES! But that was still where I was many days. It rarely started so shallow...it was usually after a particularly rough day with one or more of the kids or just a day of being overwhelmed with the demands of mothering 7 children and running a ministry that these thoughts would creep in! But God kept bringing me back to the promises for this year.

I have shared some of the gifts from God this year...like the penthouse..then John went on a business trip this past week and had to "suffer" through driving his dream car as his rent car: a Dodge Challenger. Just sweet little gifts like that. But this past week, I was becoming increasingly discouraged with our finances. We really need a 12 passenger van. NEED! Not want, NEED! If we are going to take a vacation this summer, we have to have a bigger car. Nine people in a nine passenger suburban was just not going to be possible for a road trip! We have been looking for one, but hadn't really found the one we thought we should buy, or it was gone by the time we got to it. Then this week, there were medical bills that came in...two kids are about to have medical procedures in the next two weeks, plus the bills for Callie's last hip surgery are coming in. The money I had cushioned for a van payment was dwindling, bit by bit. I still felt like we could handle it and then John told me the tuition for Callie's school that we will be sending her to next hear. The number I had in my head to prepare for was about half what the tuition really is! All the air left my balloon. I was deflated. I was doubting God again. I was wondering where the promised land was there. We have prayed and prayed over Callie's school and knew without a doubt that is where she is to go. We have prayed about a van....have put it off for over a year from when we really wanted to buy one...and felt we had the "go" light from God. Now it seemed impossible for both to be true!

And I began throwing my ever so immature fit with God! Where are You? You have given me promise after promise in Your Word (for this season , God has me literally praying about 10 scriptures every morning as my Bible study....so every morning I am believing for these things as I pray His Words back to Him out loud) yet the reality still remains! At some point faith has to become sight.

This was kind of how that conversation went that morning:

God: "Buy the van."

Me: "We can't buy a van! We have tuition each month which takes all the money I had found in the budget for a van payment! There is no way we can do both."

God: "Buy the van."

Me:"Maybe you didn't hear me, we can't do both!"

God:"You are not paying tuition right now. Buy the van."

Me:"No, but we will be paying tuition in about three months and there is no significant income change in the near future"

God:"Buy the van. Three months is tomorrow...it has enough trouble of its own."

Me:"But I don't see anyway it will work!"

God:"Hebrews 11:1 'Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you DO NOT SEE!' if you could see a way for it to work, it would not be faith. Buy the van."

I shared this with one friend that day. I had't even had time to share it with John. That conversation happened Thursday morning. Yesterday John sat down to do our taxes. Yes, we are one of "them"! We usually are turning them in April 15 at midnight, so

we are actually early this year! I was having a meeting and John came in and said he needed me to look at something asap. He has checked a box on our tax software and we were now showing a significant tax refund...like winning the lottery (at least in my mind!) type of tax refund. We both agreed something had to be wrong, so John started making phone calls and looking into it. But sure enough, it was right! We were unaware that the adoption tax benefit that was in effect for special needs adoptions in 2010 had been extended to 2011. Since the adoptions of our girls were finalized in 2011, we qualified for them! I just cried! I asked for forgiveness for doubting! I praised my Father who wants and gives abundantly more than I could hope or imagine! It was so much more than a number on a screen! It was a promised fulfilled! It was a stone of remembrance to trust and have faith in my Heavenly Father who wants me to believe and trust Him enough to walk into my Promised land no matter what "giants" may seem to stand in my way!

The amount was enough that we can pay off our final credit card (something we had been trying to do for two and a half years!) AND pay cash for a van!!!!! AND probably go to Disney next year with money we can save between now and then since we will not have to make a van or credit card payment!!!!!

This takes me back to my post title: God is good yesterday, today and tomorrow! God is good, my friends! But He is not just good today because He has provided for me financially! He was good "yesterday" when I doubted Him. He was good "yesterday" when Eden didn't come home. I never want to put God is "good" as a response to something good happening to me because that leaves the assumption he is "bad" when something bad happens or I am disappointed. The truth God is teaching me is that He is good all the time! And my willingness to trust and believe that regardless of my circumstances is when the blessings come!

Am I excited about the money, absolutely! But I am way more excited about a God who loves me enough to meet my needs and to "prove" Himself to me when I seek Him.... even though He proved Himself enough that I should NEVER doubt by going to the Cross for me! I am celebrating that I have a God who loves me and cares for my needs and meets me right where I am! He will do the same for you!

There is so much more to tell about this journey I am on...but if you have made it this far in this post, you have read a novel! And my kids are asking for breakfast...so my post for another time will have to be completed another time...... :)

Identity

The problem with putting my identity in anything or anywhere but Christ is the internal struggle when that identity is changed by the direction God has you go!

I enrolled Madison and Journey, my two babies, in a 3 day a week Mother's Day Out program for next year. I struggle with that because it puts them in Mother's Day Out more days a week than they are home (weekdays that is!). I'm sure to most you are asking, "What's the big deal?!" But I have been a stay at home mom advocate my entire life! My mom was a stay at home mom, and she was AMAZING! I just always assumed I would do the same. John swears I told him on the first date that I was going to be a stay at home mom, if that wasn't ok, we could end things now!

But then God called us to open Addy's Hope 6 years ago. I remember when John first said he felt like God was calling us to step out and do this thing...my initial response was, "Great! In 18 years when all my babies have been raised, I think that is a fabulous idea!!" But John was confident God meant now so we started.

Addy's Hope has had its seasons where it was more than a full time job, but since it was international adoptions at that time, I was still able to manage it all from home or taking my babies to the office when we had one. But that is changing. God is opening more and more doors and the time needed to do this job well demands a change in my identity and shift in my thinking - going from a stay at home mom to a working mom.

I am blessed that even in having to look at a way to have more dedicated, baby free time to work, I still have flexibility and am not having to put Journey or Madison in 5 day a week daycare. I recognize that, and I am so thankful.

But as the reality of signing them up for the three day a week program for next year hit home, I realized even after all God has done in me the past few months to years, my identity still gets wrapped up in the wrong places. My identity should be in Christ and Christ alone. He is the only constant in this world! If my identity were in Him, it wouldn't matter what He called me to, I would be ready with a YES! Ready to walk in obedience! Just one more way God is calling me to trust and believe Him these days! Trust that He will take care of my babies while they are away from me, trust that He does have a plan that is better than what I can see or imagine - especially when it doesn't look like what I thought plans would look like right now, trust that He will provide the money necessary for the childcare, and believe that He has only my children my best interest in mind ALWAYS!

This is big for me - especially when it comes to letting go of my babies! But one thing I have learned over the last year in particular is that I want to walk in obedience! I want to walk hidden in the secret place of God - and you can't do that when you are walking in disobedience!

Love Notes from God for my Girls

For my daily quiet times, God has me in Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. If you have not read this or seen it, GET IT! It is amazing! It speaks to me in my hard season every morning. It is truly like a breath of fresh air.

There is no secret this is a hard season for me, but not just for me, for everyone in my home. The other day as I was thanking God for giving me this devotion that literally breaths fresh breath into me so I can go another day, He reminded me that my girls need this too! This world bombards them with SO many lies so many times a day! They both have the ability to hear God, they come up with some extremely profound ideas from time to time. We require everyone to have at least 15 minutes with God every morning, so I know they are in the Word at least once a day. But I have so enjoyed the "personal" messages in Jesus Calling. They are all based on scripture, but they are written in first person...as if Jesus is literally sending a personal letter to me that morning!

So God asked me to be still now and then during my time and listen for a Word for my girls and be obedient to write that note to them for Him. He wants them to know that He is personal. He needs them to hear His truths in a way that will drown out the lies of this world so their foundation is strong enough to handle whatever comes at them in the days, weeks, months and years to come.

This is our first morning of love notes from God! I don't know how often He will give me a Word for them, but I am committed to asking for one, listening for an answer and writing it out so they will find it on their mirror when they get up in the morning! Excited to see their reaction!

This World

As I start day 2 in the penthouse having my coffee with God once again on the lanai overlooking Avenue of the Stars in Beverly Hills, I am overcome with the truth that this world has NOTHING to offer me! I am in the height of what the world would say is paradise. I am surrounded by money and fame! My morning walk took me by the Fox recording lot. I could see through the gates to the back lot of the recording studio where many of there movies are filmed. From where I sit, I can see the streets we drove down last time we were here on a tour that showed us the homes of the stars. I can see just a few blocks away the Beverly Hills Hilton where only a few weeks ago Whitney Houston lost her life. These surroundings no longer leave me star struck as they did in my years as a youth. Instead they lead me to thanksgiving and praise. I am so thankful that God has taken me down journeys in this life that have opened my eyes to the reality that this world has NOTHING, not one thing, to offer me! Sure there are things that I need to do God's work like a house, this computer for example, etc. But I don't desire wealth for wealth's sake any longer. If I desire more, it is simply in order to be able to more effectively serve in the ministries God has called John and I to serve. Yes, I still long for a larger kitchen because it would make raising my family that is about to include another baby easier. But I don't long for a new kitchen just to have a fancy kitchen like I used to.

I think of Whitney Houston. She had all this world would count as success - hit songs, hit movies, fame on many continents, fortunes to do whatever she wanted, but it wasn't enough. Whitney grew up in the church with roots in the faith. Yet at some point the lure of what this world had to offer over took what she knew of the Gospel. I am not judging her salvation...eternal salvation is not even what I am talking about. I am talking about what do I..what do you...pursue here on earth? Are we truly pursuing the things of God or do we go to church on Sunday and count that as our cost for the gospel while still pursuing the career, the bigger house, the nicer car, etc Monday through Saturday?

Several years ago I had a family member who would say, "I've worked too hard to struggle." I think this sums up how most Americans see our lives...even Christ following Americans. Have we really "worked too hard to struggle"? What do you think Christ would say to that comment in the shadow of the cross? Might His response to us be the same? I've worked too hard for you to struggle...accept my gifts of peace and freedom and riches that are yours for the taken when you FIRST seek Me and My kingdom!

Just some food for thought.....

Abundantly More

What is this you ask? Well, it is the a Penthouse suite at the Hyatt Regency Century Plaza in Beverly Hills. Why is it on my blog you ask? Because it is my home for the next few days and nights! How did that happen you ask? Well, according to Ephesians 3:20 God is able and will do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine. John travels enough that he earns points so every now and then I can fly with him. He has a conference for one of the units he oversees in LA this week, so I came with him. I had set this time aside to start writing a book that God has asked me to write. I've started two other books God asked me to write, but I wasn't obedient to finish them, and now the words don't come easily. So I am determined to obey this time and see this one to completion! So I set this time of uninterrupted, quiet time aside for that. I was so looking forward to a hotel room with a desk or just a chair for me to sit and be alone with God to write. But when we checked in late last night, they had sold out and did not have our room available even though we had a reservation, so they asked if the Penthouse suite would be ok? After much thought....NOT!....we said sure!

And this was our view last night overlooking Avenue of the Stars in Beverly Hills!

I had my coffee with God on that lanai this morning, and He and I had some great laughs and conversations about this whole Penthouse thing! But as I texted my mentor to share with her where I was having my quiet time, Ephesians 3:20 is what she sent back to me and I just felt the love of God wash over me! He has told me time and again that 2012 will be the year I understand His goodness and His love for me. The root behind that is a post for another time. But this morning as I sit in my Penthouse, I am reminded that God has more than I could ever hope or dream for me in EVERY are of my life! I never even dreamed to desire a penthouse for my days of writing, but God did..and not only did her dream it, He gifted it to me! So instead of a chair or desk to write at, I can go to the couch, the executive desk, the chair in the bedroom, or either of the two lanais! And this morning I am excited...not about a penthouse, but about the "penthouses" he has for the areas of my thirsty soul! He has ABUNDANTLY more than I could ever even dream of asking Him for waiting for me....and I don't want to miss it! All I have to do is press into Him and stay in His presence following His voice!

So thankful for that reminder today!

Laying Down!

So my last post (well last one before the PINK news!) was about picking my life up. I made a conscious decision to lay it back down. This morning both of my devotions were on joy in the midst of trial. I am rejoicing as I read them because yesterday, I experienced that in a way I may never have, because I chose to lay my life down at the feet of my Savior!

Yesterday I dealt with some of the most difficult issues I have ever faced in my life while running a home with 7 children solo and meeting deadlines to get three home studies completed, two of which are on time lines that could mean life or death for the children. I don't say all that to toot my horn, believe me! If anything I have learned over the course of the last 10 years it is that I. AM. NOTHING. without Christ! The days I don't lay it down and let Him drive this car are they days I crash and burn.

But yesterday, I made a conscious decision to lay my life down several times during the day. Going back to scripture when I needed to in order to refocus, in order to not become overwhelmed by the circumstance and situations around me. And you know what? IT. WORKED.

I could read those devotions this morning praising God for the tough things in my life right now. I understand what James means when he writes, "consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort of fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience." James 1:2-3 AMP I used to read that and wonder what in the world that guy was smoking when he wrote that...and whatever it was, I wanted some!

Well, I've found what he was "smoking"! It was JESUS! And I got me some...and on the days I focus on that, I am able to walk in that same joy and peace...precious peace..regardless of what is swirling around me!

Oswald Chambers says it this way, "Paul says this is the reason we are more than conquerors in all these things, super-victors, with a joy we would not have but for the things which look as if they are going to overwhelm us...tribulation, distress, persecution, produce in us the super-joy; they are not things to fight. We are more than conquerors through Him in all these things, not in spite of them, but in the midst of them. The experiences of life, terrible or monotonous impotent to touch the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Our Utmost for His Highest for March 7. And Sarah Young puts it beautifully in Jesus Calling on her entry for March 7 ~ "Let me help you through this day. The challenges you face are far too great for you to handle alone. You are keenly aware of your helplessness in the scheme of events you face. This awareness opens up a choice: to doggedly go it alone or to walk with Me in humble steps of dependence...So, consider it all joy whenever you are enveloped in various trials. These are gifts from Me, reminding you to rely on Me alone."

God, thank you for my trials! Thank you that they push me further into You and into the depths of who You are! Thank you for walking with me through them. Thank you Holy Spirit for whispering in my ear the words to say, the truths of situations that counteract what the enemy would have me believe. Thank you, oh thank you God, for your peace that passes all understanding so that while the waves are swirling around me, I can stand on top of the water, eyes focused on you and be calm and peaceful. Thank you for allowing me to walk this path. Forgive me for the times I don't see You in it or ask that this cup be taken from me. I ask for you to remind me today when I need to refocus so that what is around the bend ahead of me that only You can see doesn't take me off guard. Thank you for loving me enough to be an ever present God...not just a God of eternity, but a God right now! I love you and am honored to be your daughter! In Jesus name, AMEN!

Pink or Blue update!

Looks like there's going to be more bows and frills around our house! 90% sure Paizley's baby is a girl...so we are having a grand-daughter! Everyone knows how much I love bows, so this will be fun!

Seeing the sonogram and knowing the sex has made it all the more real. It was a hard day for me that day. I love the baby, but I still morn the life I had pictured for my daughter. Having to take on all the roles and responsibilities of being a mom at 16 is NOT what I had planned in my mommy heart for her.

I have said since the beginning of fostering and now through adopting a wounded teenage and walking with her through this pregnancy that I have had feelings that don't go into a neat little file box. Maybe I even said that in my last post. Sonogram day was a day when it felt like the emotional filing box had been thrown in the air and landed in a pile of mess on the floor.

But God once again picked me up and set my feet under me and we are walking again! Some days we walk with quite a limp, but we are walking and we will one day be out of this valley and be high on the mountain top looking back at this time knowing God walked with us when we could walk and carried us when we couldn't! And I'm convinced its the journey He is the most concerned with anyway!

Picking It Back Up

Yesterday was not one of my better days. We have had a lot of sickness around our house, me included, and you know how everything looks worse when you are sick! I was talking to some friends earlier this weekend and telling them how my life right now truly requires me to sit at the feet of Jesus to gain perspective and strength or I become overwhelmed. And some days I have to do that two and three times a day just to keep going. Not a bad place to be...unless you go a couple of days without sitting at His feet!

Yesterday was the culmination of several days of not sitting at His feet to hear His voice and gain His perspective of all the plates I must keep spinning right now. Before I went to bed last night, I knew God wanted me alone with Him. Those times are always so sweet and refreshing, and last night was no different. Even in His discipline and correction, I feel His love for me.

He took me to John 10 last night. I love it when He takes me to a familiar passage and then shows me something I have never seen or speaks to me in a fresh way! Verses 17 and 18 say, "For this reason the Father loves Me, because I lay down My life so that I may take it again. No one has taken it away from Me, but I lay it down on My own initiative. I have authority to lay it down, and I have authority to take it up again. This commandment I received from My Father." As I read that, God brought back to mind some words that I had spoken to John yesterday afternoon in a fit of frustration, and God whispered, "You picked it up again". Ouch! He was right! I had spoken words that meant I had the right and the authority to be comfortable in life. I didn't want the challenges anymore. I just wanted to be able to breath for a second.

I thought about Jesus' words in the Garden of Gethsemane before his crucifixion. I don't pretend to be anywhere near the place Jesus was, but I did realize He knows where I am. He once asked that the cup He was being asked to drink from be removed. And that is where I was yesterday. I wanted a lot of what was on my plate to be removed. I was overwhelmed. I had cried out just as Jesus did....except I hadn't followed it with "but never the less, not my will, but YOURS be done!"

After reading John 10, I made a conscious decision to lay my life back down. I recommitted all I am doing to God and agreed with Him that I would walk whatever path He has for me trusting Him to supply all my needs....not just monetary but emotional and spiritual and physical as well.

How about you? Have you picked it back up again? If Jesus could lay His life down and go to the cross for us, is there really anything we can look Him square in the face and say we will not do? If there is even one thing you would do that with, then you have taken your life back up....and you need to lay it down again! God is a gentleman. He will not force us to lay down our life. "No one has taken it from me, but I lay it down on My own initiative." God is asking us to lay down our lives. And He asks because He has a plan that is bigger and better than anything we could ever hope or imagine for ourselves and our families! Last night, God asked me if I would lay it down again...of my own initiative because He has a hope and a future for me that is GOOD! I want ALL God has for me, don't you? Let's lay it all back down! Will you join me?

Pink or Blue?

Today is the day! We will find out if we are having a granddaughter or grandson! Well, if the little peanut cooperates, that is!

I haven't blogged much. Not because I don't have a million blog posts in my head, but because I can't seem to find the time to sit down and get them out. I am amazed by these moms of large families that blog regularly! They are obviously way better at time management and organization than I!

Today is a big day...and I have many emotions. When we started fostering, I would share with others, especially other foster moms, that I have all these new emotions and there are no files in my emotion filing cabinet to put them all nice and neatly. That is exactly how I feel this morning.

First, let me assure you since we first started this journey of grandparent-to-be, my heart has transformed for my daughter and this baby. The journey started with a lot of anger and bitterness, but one cannot stay in that place long and continue the work God has for you! I love my daughter with all my heart! We are daily trying to prepare for the baby and all that means logistically and emotionally! And I love that baby with all my heart. When I think about the baby, I get the same swell of love, protection and awe I did with my own children in the womb or waiting for me to come pick them up!

But the emotions don't stop there. Right after that is a swell of.....well, I'm not even sure of a word to describe it. There is fear which I have to continually take to the feet of Jesus and leave there. There is sadness, a heavy mourning over what could have been that I have to take to the feet of Jesus and leave there. Thinking about day to day life once the baby is here and all the new demands and potential for explosions that will come with this baby brigs a dread that I have to take to the feet of Jesus and leave there. And every once in a while in some specific situations, the anger creeps back up, and I have to take that to the feet of Jesus, repent, and leave it there!

As the day expired yesterday, I could feel the weight of today pressing down more and more. I realized while I love this baby, I still dream of what could have been and seeing a sonogram and knowing the sex is another dose of reality of how our lives are changed forever by this life. When that precious one is here and we are loving on him or her and looking into the precious eyes God made, I know all the negative stuff will pass away. But in the reality of just having to plan and prepare, I find myself not wanting to fully grasp the reality. After today, my grand baby will not be "it", as we lovingly refer to the baby around here, but will have even more of an identity. I will have to let my heart go just a little more....and there is a lot of fear in that for this situation which I do not necessarily expect anyone who has not walked this path to understand.

Wrestling through the past 4 months, I have daily had to curl up in the lap of my Savior, my Protector, my Counselor, my Friend. When I have to make all those trips to the feet of Jesus with those emotions, I don't have to go far! Simply turn to my right where he is holding my right hand (Psalm 73:23) and lay it all down! Then He tucks me under His arm and hides me in His shadow where for the moment.....I find rest!

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
This I declare about the LORD:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him.
For he will rescue you from every trap
and protect you from deadly disease.
He will cover you with his feathers.
He will shelter you with his wings.
His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Psalm 91

Pray for our family today if God brings us to mind! There will be a lot of emotions for us all today. There has already been some explosions even about the appointment itself. I think those are resolved, and we have a plan for today. And today is all we are going to think about.....except, I do need a name! So if you have any suggestions for what my little peanut should call me....nothing with GRAND! I'm WAY to young for that! Let me hear them!

Trusting Obedience

Sunday during church, our pastor took us to Hebrews 5:7-8. I have started using my app on my phone for my Bible during church. It was set to The Message version. So when I looked up this scripture, this is what it said, " Though he was God's Son, he learned trusting-obedience by what he suffered, just as we do." Wow! God's own son had to suffer (this was talking about when He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane for any other way to save us than for Him to go to the cross) in order to learn fully, trusting obedience! And then it goes on to say, we learn the same way! It was one of those times that you know God has just spoken directly to your heart over a struggle you have had for a LONG time! It is the answer to the past seven years! It is the answer to Eden not coming home, it is the answer to Liberia, it is the answer to a pregnant teen daughter. Through all these "sufferings" I have learned to trust God more (it may have taken me a few years to get there at times) and I have learned obedience...and when you put trusting obedience together, it means I have learned to obey when the picture doesn't look all warm and cozy as a result of that obedience.

Then this morning as I continue to meditate on this and what it means for my life, God encouraged me again with verse 9 in the NASB, "and having been made perfect, He became to all those who obey Him the source of eternal salvation." Because Jesus obeyed and went to the cross, he was made perfect - equipped - to be the eternal salvation God needed Him to be - that I needed Him to be! God reminded me that if I don't mature and grow, I will not be equipped for the work He has for me...and that will affect not only me but all those around me now and all those in my future that God intends for me to impact with my gifts and abilities...and the same is true for you!

I haven't blogged a lot about the Paizley's pregnancy because for one, I don't have much time to blog these days, but for another, my thoughts usually aren't bog worthy! I'm still sorting through all the emotions and flesh. But I have my God moments where I handle it in a mature way. And those moments are becoming more frequent...Praise God! Paizley and I had one of those moments this past week. We were both crying over what the pregnancy means for her...mourning the things that she has lost because of it. But even in our weeping and mourning, God gave me a realization and I shared it with Paizley. God spoke to John just a few days after we found out she was pregnant and told him that this baby would save her life. At the time my thought was, "it may save hers, but its gonna kill me!" Nice, warm cozy thought for a mom, huh?! Paizley was in a place before the pregnancy where she really wasn't open to a lot of things we were telling her. Much like many teens, but with her past, it magnified a lot of the "normal" teen struggles. The pregnancy has saved her life in a very real way. It has made her more open to the things we were trying to tell her about life. So as hard as this pregnancy is, I am thankful. And these scriptures sums up why I am thankful! I am thankful because I would rather be holding my pregnant teen daughter wondering how we will make it through this than waking up every morning not knowing where my daughter is and wondering if she is safe or lonely or hungry.

For me, this is trusting obedience, the kind that will equip me for the things God has ahead for me. It was trusting obedience that let me say yes to adopting a teen to begin with. And it is TRUSTING obedience that says we heard God correctly when we said yes to that adoption even thought the road is hard and not what we expected!

It is trusting obedience for Paizley that will get her through this tough time as well. It is teaching her to rely on God in ways she never had to before.

And it is trusting obedience that allows me to now thank God for this pregnancy (1 Thessalonians 5:18 - give thanks in all circumstances). If this is what it takes to mature Paizley in Christ...and me too!...then I will give thanks and I will continue to trust that God is using this to grow and equip us for the days to come...because one thing I know from the days past, I want to be equipped for what is to come!

Freedom from Food: Tools for the Journey

I haven't blogged much about the freedom from food lately because there hasn't been much to blog...except frustration. The pounds haven't fallen off, there a few more added instead. I have prayed and believed and begged and God has been faithful to provide not only answers, but help!

I still believe He has freed me from food. I don't have the addiction or the tendency to run to food for my comfort that I did have. However, I do have habits. I do have set ways that have to be broken. The freedom is here, but now He has to teach me how to walk in it.

I had posted on Facebook a few weeks ago asking my health conscious friends for one or two things they would do if they were wanting to start feeding their families in a more healthy way. One friend sent me a text with a number for a friend who is a CHRISTIAN, a nutritionist and personal trainer. I made the call and she sent me her information on what she offers. I was excited. Then I wasn't. First, obviously she doesn't do this for free. Money is tight. The things I thought we could afford and would be helpful for the entire family, John wasn't really very excited about. So I kind of dropped it.

But as the weight hasn't fallen off and the jeans got a little tighter, I became very discouraged. My freedom from food is tied to many things for me! It is a complicated issue. Losing the weight represents so many things in my spiritual life for me. So when it seems to be just out of my reach, the enemy has a field day with it and convinces me I will never be free in this are or any other and then proceeds to convince me that God doesn't mean anything He says. And that snowball just keep rolling down the hill getting bigger and bigger and faster and faster until it just about takes me over!

Then God shows up! I am not even sure I was praying about it at the time, but a thought dropped into my mind a couple weeks ago. When I lost all my weight in college, I did it with the help of a food journal and a dietitian. She held me accountable with the food log and gave me menu and food ideas for the week ahead. The fog about what I needed to do to walk out of this prison cell of food bondage lifted immediately and what I knew I needed came so easily. I needed accountability and a plan! God spoke to my heart that my struggles with food right now are not in rebellion or from a misplaced worship or loyalty. The struggles are from old habits that I have to break and truly not having a plan for healthy eating. God has told me from the beginning that "programs" are not for me right now because I need to make sure I deal with the spiritual issues. I have even had a family member offer to pay for my hcg shots to do the hcg diet! That was an interesting conversation! :) But God has said a very clear NO to anything like that. But at the same time, doing this alone hasn't worked so well the past 12 years!

With my new clarity, I sat down and wrote a fairly lengthy e-mail to the nutritionist I had talked with previously. I kindly explained that I had looked over her programs and there were not any that I really felt fit what I needed and spelled out what I had heard God tell me I needed. She took awhile to respond as it was during the busy holiday season, but when I got her response, I was overjoyed! Not only was she excited about helping, but the fee she put with the assistance was totally doable even on our tight budget!!!

So January 6, we have our first meeting, and we will meet every other week. I can't wait! I can't wait to be equipped to walk in the freedom that I know is already mine! I will have a plan for each meal and each snack so that old habits or lack of time do not take over and force me to grab the nearest, quickest and usually unhealthy food available as I run out the door or move on to the next kiddo needing my attention! And my entire family will benefit. They don't know it yet, and probably are not going to be entirely thrilled about it, but it will be good for them too!

Our Little Elf Turns 6 Months!

Our Little Elf is six months today! I can't believe it! The time has gone too fast! He is already sitting up, trying to scoot around on his belly and has two teeth with the third one just breaking through yesterday!

He was about as unplanned as a baby gets, but we can't imagine life without him and know that God sent him to us as a precious gift we didn't know we needed or even wanted.

We love you, Journey Josiah! You have given us joy that has sustained us the past 6 months! Happy 1/2 year birthday!

Peek-A-Boo!!!!
Our Happy Elf!!

The "other side" of adoption

I just finished reading a dear friend's adoption story...not the kind of adoption story most of my friends have. Most of my friends are adoptive parents. This friend is a birth mother!

God started teaching me the "other side" of adoption from the very beginning of our adoption journeys with Noah. We only learned of Noah three weeks before he was born. The situation was scary at best since I knew little or nothing about the truth of adoption and just the scary side of all the circumstances that surrounded this situation. We met Noah's birth mother for dinner on July 12. I walked into that Olive Garden a very arrogant woman. I left repentant and humbled. I had some very pre-conceived notions about the woman who would now hold a place in my family forever. But during the course of a three hour meal, God taught me that I can never judge or think about the life of another person without first considering their experiences and place in life. I could not force my way of seeing this situation on this mother who was raised on the streets by a drug addicted mother while I enjoyed the American dream with two wonderful and loving Christian parents. I understood that this woman who sat before me loved the life inside of her even if her actions didn't "show" it according to the way those in my circle viewed loving a child!

God continued to show me the birth family side even as I traveled to Sierra Leone to complete Eden's adoption and stand at the grave of Addy. There were three families traveling to Sierra Leone. The other two families had birth families who were distant or in one case a bit crazy. But Eden and Addy's dad was amazing. Eden brushed her teeth and washed her face while her father, standing on his only remaining leg, washed his face by her side. You could tell she had been loved and taught to do what she could with what they had. I will never forget the first night I had her. She was sitting on my lap in the living room of the place we stayed, and we were watching TV. I looked up to see her dad standing in the doorway looking at us with a tear sliding down his cheek. I have worked in adoptions in Africa now as an agency. There are many reasons some families give children for adoption to Americans. But this daddy had buried one daughter and didn't ever want to bury another! He loved this little girl and was trying to give her a life he couldn't and the safety he longed for her to have. He had already been in and out of hospitals struggling for his own life because of the infections in his legs and he didn't want to leave his daughter an orphan! The way he handled our entire trip and the bond that little girl and I shared was what made her failed adoption the hardest thing in my life to overcome.

Then with my work in Liberia, I came to respect many birth families, and despise others. I saw families who were left with no choice but to watch their children die of starvation or beg and plead for a better life for them. I watched others who thought adoption was a free ticket to America some day (and those are the ones I refused to deal with if I could be sure of their motives!). We worked very hard to ensure only children who desperately needed new homes were placed for adoption.

God stretched me even further with Madison's adoption. It is no secret that I am not a fan of fully open adoption where both families have constant communication and contact. I have many reasons for this belief and totally understand it is the politically incorrect view of adoption. But I also believe the openness of an adoption is a personal choice that must be made between the adoptive family and the birth family and the only absolute I stand by is that the best interest of the child and not either family should be the number one driving factor in any decision about openness!

With that said, you can understand even more why Madison's situation is so amazing. Madison was placed in our home because my parents knew her birth mother. Madison was placed with us as "fictive kin" before we were licensed foster parents. When we became involved with Madison, it was because I was working with her mother to try to get to a place where the state would let her have Madison back. I actually took her mom to her first visit with Madison after she had been taken into CPS custody. We did not have a clue at that time what God's plan was for us in this family's life and we were totally open to whatever it was...we didn't know if we were there to serve the birth mother, the baby or both! I continued my efforts with Madison's mother even after Madison came to live with us. I would offer to go pick her up and drive her to get job applications or to turn them in. I would call her with places I knew were hiring as getting a job was one of the biggest goals to regaining custody of Madison. Obviously, ultimately Madison ended up with us permanently. However, we didn't just gain Madison, we gained an entire extended family. We have what I never thought I could handle...we have an open relationship with part of Madison's biological family. Madison's maternal grandmother is raising her other half siblings and we consider them our extended family. We text regularly, exchange pictures often and even visit from time to time. It has stretched me for sure, but I am able to do it because Madison's grandmother is very respectful of us as a family and is safe to have in Madison's life.

But now, as we walk out Paizley's unplanned pregnancy, I find myself truly on the "other side". Whether Paizley parents or places the baby is truly her decision. But just because it is her decision doesn't mean that it impacts the rest of us who love her...and the baby... any less.

I have talked to Paizley, I have talked to John, and I have talked to friends. As I read my friend's story about placing her baby for adoption, all those conversations and the questions that lurk in my heart came back.

What if? What if Paizley decides she isn't able to parent this baby right now and wants to place him or her for adoption? Wants to place my grandbaby for adoption? Many have asked if we would take him or her to raise? We have told Paizley we will not do this...that is what I've always said in hypothetical discussions. This isn't hypothetical. This is real. This is a child, my grandchild, my baby's baby. Please understand this is my transparent, raw emotion here. I know the decision is hers, and I know there are many emotions for her in this. I'm not overlooking those, but as I was talking with some other parents recently, we discussed how sometimes we act like parents check all emotions and feelings at the door when we become parents. Obviously we can't act on our emotions and feelings all the time, but that doesn't mean they are not here.

My life's calling is to take in children...to provide families for children who need a family. How would I ever let one go? One thing we know is that we will not raise the child as grandparents. Either Paizley will be mom, committed to raising the child, and we will be grandparents; she will place the baby with another couple to be parents or we will be the parents. I am not sure how you raise a grandchild as a child and not have some confusion in the family...for that child as well as other young children in the family. But I also don't know how 18 or more years from now I answer a young man or woman who might ask, "You took in all these children, but there was no room for me?"

So what if reality is Paizley decides adoption is the best option for her and her baby? Will I really be able to let the baby go? Despite my anger when I first found out and despite the still very real struggles of the day to day reality of what this pregnancy means for Paizley and our family, I already find myself loving the baby...it has a face now...it has fingers and toes...is has a heart...and it has my heart! John says we can't raise it. I don't know if I could let it go. It's her baby. It's my grand baby. It's her decision. It's my heart.

God has a plan....and I pray daily for Paizley, me and John to have the faith, strength and courage to walk whatever path He has!

Christmas Pictures!

To get 9 people together for a picture shoot....4 of whom are under 6 and under takes more patience than I usually have! And with all the additions to our family lately, we have had MANY family pics in the past few months. It also gets tight on the pocket book paying for these family portrait sessions! I have a sweet friend who takes creative pictures even though is not a professional photographer. She and her husband were so generous to come and take pictures for our Christmas cards! It was really fun! And the results were even more fun! So here is our family this Christmas!

A little preparation goes a long way!

Seems like I don't have many "good" parenting moments lately. More of just survival! However, I am trying to take life back instead of letting life take me down! For those who know my nature, you know this is difficult for me. I'm prone to not plan, procrastinate and even when I do plan, not follow it because something or in most cases someone comes up to interrupt the plan!But last night was different! And it worked!

Going out to eat with my crew takes half a months wages..ok, not quite half, but more than we can afford very often. So we rarely go to "nice" restaurants. However, we want our children to know how to behave somewhere besides Taco Villa, and we want them to have experiences in the restaurants others talk about. So once in awhile we splurge. The fact that these trips are rare and that we are spending a small fortune to have the experience means I get very upset when one of the kids ruins it with a fit or attitude. We have one child in particular who routinely ruins our restaurant experiences. He/she usually throws the first tantrum when it comes time to order drinks. He/she stalls on purpose, for what reason we haven't quite figured out, which usually ends in us telling the waiter that he/she will take water since he/she can't make up his/her mind. Then the pouting and taking anger out on whatever unlucky sibling is in the vicinity begins.

Last night we had a big surprise for our kids planned. It started with dinner at a nice, sit down restaurant. I was determined that said child would not ruin our entire evening...once the pouting starts, it's all down hill and behaviors worsen exponentially until we get home. So with what I know had to be a Holy Spirit idea, I had a pro-active discussion with this child.

Last time we went out to eat, we had one of these meltdowns and I had told this lovely of mine that the next time he/she threw one of these fits, he/she would not go with us to eat the next time and would be left at home with a baby sitter at his/her expense. So right before we left, I took this child aside and reminded him/her of my promise from the last time the fit was thrown. But I also made a plan for if something happened. This is a child who has a very difficult time expressing any emotion in a constructive and appropriate way. Something we actually deal with a ton in our family because of the background of most of our kiddos. I told this child that I wanted him/her to know that I was willing to listen to any argument he/she had about anything he/she felt was unfair during the course of the evening, but I would not have that discussion until we got home. So I asked him/her to come up with a code word so that if he/she felt something had been unfair or he/she was getting angry, he/she could use the code word and know we would talk about it later instead of holding it inside and getting angry or lashing out at the nearest sibling. He/she got to choose the code word which was "meep - meep" - like the road runner says! Wouldn't have been my choice, especially since I had to use it if I saw behavior I needed to stop, but it was his/her choice, so "meep-meep" it was! He/she thought that was really cool and we set out for our evening with a plan!

The coolest part? Well, we didn't have to use that code word, not one time! I truly think taking that time before we left made that child feel significant enough and also gave him/her a feeling that no matter what happened there was a way to be heard that there was no acting out!

God used this to remind me that parenting must be intentional! And that when I stop to prepare for behaviors instead of constantly just reacting to them, our world turns much smoother! And since this is so contrary to my nature, I often wonder why God gave me a) so many children and b) children from hard places to parent! Maybe its because regardless of how many times I fail as a mom, I love these babies! I may not discipline the right way, I may not provide all the experiences I wish I could or that they may want, but I couldn't love them anymore than I do!

But from now on, we will have that little conversation before every trip to eat out! It was such a nice evening!

We are growing again....

I've drug my feet writing this post. Mainly because I don't really like dealing with the reality of what I'm about to share. But also because I really don't want to know what others think right now. Having enough trouble dealing with my own thoughts on the matter and walking my entire family through this without the comments of those who don't really know us or our hearts.


I want you to know that my last post about Paizley and her one year anniversary of being with us was written with the full knowledge of what I am sharing....and I meant every word! So this is what I knew....Paizley is pregnant. Our family will be growing again in a way I never hoped. While as a parent I have always said I'm not prideful or naive enough to think we wouldn't have to deal with a pregnant teen, I never thought I would be doing it this soon. But here we are.

As I have shared with our close friends and family the most difficult part of this is learning how to deal with the entire issue and balance the fact that a sin created this life, but the life is not a sin. We are so sorrowful and at times angry about the choices that were made that got us to this point, but we can't be angry at an innocent life now growing inside my daughter. We have to celebrate this life as we would any because God has ordained it just as He does all lives He creates! (Psalm 139).

I'm sure many will judge us on many levels as we walk this journey. Each step we did what we believed was best for Paizley and our entire family. The irony of this is that she was being home schooled (what I think many times is seen as the ultimate protection from "the world") when this happened. One thing I've learned is that short of locking them in a room with no windows and only a little air to breath, your children will make their own choices and whether you agree with them or not, you all have to deal with the consequences.

Many have asked if we are encouraging her to place the baby for adoption. And most are shocked to learn that at this time we are not encouraging that. Obviously we are very pro-adoption! We fully believe adoption is a great option for unplanned pregnancies. However, we have always believed and still believe that this should be the last resort (other than abortion of course which is not even an option in our minds) for the biological family. Let me try to explain.

God gave this baby to Paizley. One thing I will never understand is why so many loving families struggle with infertility while so many babies are having babies and so many women who truly don't want their children are becoming pregnant multiple times. I don't understand it. I didn't understand it when we miscarried and the pain was very personal, and I don't understand it now when my daughter is one of those teens that is making it difficult for others who struggle with infertility. All I know is God's ways and thoughts are not mine! And I, the clay, do not say to the potter do this or that! And that is where I have to leave those thoughts and feelings.

But I know this. God does not give us more than we can handle IN HIM! That is a vital part of that scripture that we often leave out. I also know God does not give babies to women for them to give to someone else. Let me add here that there are extenuating circumstances of course. There are young women who have no support system who truly can't take on the financial or emotional strain of a baby and the most selfless thing they can do is place the baby. Those women are my heroes! I've always wondered how they have the strength to do it and sitting where I am now, I wonder even more! I can't even imagine what it takes to look at your baby, kiss it good bye and hand it to another person all because you love him or her so much that you want what you can't give! Truly, if you are reading this and have walked that path, I am in awe! You are amazing!!! But in general, I hold to the belief that if God has placed a life in you, He will equip you and walk with you in order to parent that baby. However, that means you have to be willing to make the choices and put forth the effort to grow and mature into the parent God intends you to be.

And that is what we are telling our daughter. First and foremost, the decision is hers. This is her baby! But at this point, we are encouraging her to put forth the effort to become the mother this baby needs. We have a lot of hard work ahead of us these next few months in all areas. But I believe Paizley can be an amazing mother to this child, and I would never encourage any woman to place her baby for adoption if she is willing to put in the work to mother him or her!

My mommy heart aches for Paizley. I keep willing time to stand still so this baby won't come until she gets to have the childhood that had already been robbed of her. The childhood we were trying so desperately to give back to her. But no matter how much I long for the time to stop....it keeps going and the baby inside of her is growing every day...and now, she has to be a woman....a mom. I struggle with what role this puts her and me and all the other children in. I feel like my home has been turned upside down and inside out.

Fear for what the future holds could overcome all of us at any moment. But as I've said over and over these last few weeks, this we know: this is no surprise to God, He still sits on His throne, and we will get through this...One. Day. At. A. Time....because He promises that He will never leave us or forsake us! And the other thing I know without a doubt is that I am more thankful than ever that God gave me Paizley. The hurt and pain and anger and frustration and the 1,000 + 1 other emotions I have had are all worth it because a life has been redeemed...there is hope that Paizley can still have an amazing life and so can this child. Paizley has a support system now that she didn't have just 14 months ago...and that support system is called a family! It's been the hardest year of my life, and this next one might knock this year off that title....but even still, she is my daughter, and I would not change that. I find myself falling to my knees often these days, but I'm just thankful there is a place to fall!

We covet your prayers. The prayers of our friends and family who know have kept our noses just above drowning level these past few weeks. We covet your prayers for our other children. They have to deal with this also. And we covet your prayers for Paizley.

Seek First the Kingdom

This is a blog post that has been floating around for some time now in my head, but just can't seem to stop long enough to get anything down these days! But on this Thanksgiving eve, the house is quiet and I'm enjoying some time of reflection. So here ya go!

John works for a state agency in education. As such he has contact with many districts locally and many other people state wide. All that to say, he gets asked to apply for jobs fairly regularly. Anyone who knows John knows that is dangerous since he thrives on change (hince the 9 houses in 11 years of marriage and four jobs in his current place of employment in 5 years)! He has learned to not entertain these requests on a regular basis or I would go bonkers...I'm the not-so-fond of change one!

But I knew something was different when he came home a few weeks ago and said he had been asked to apply at a small district not too far from here. I could tell he was actually considering this one. It took me by surprise. But the more we talked about it, the more there seemed to be some valid reasons to consider it. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized I really do miss a lot about small town life and I REALLY miss living in the country where I can watch the sunrise and sunset as I connect with God in amazing ways in nature! I can just hear his voice so much clearer and feel His presence in a stronger way when I am away from the distractions of a city. There are a couple of our kids who would really thrive in the environment that this job offered for them in school. And then there was the obvious career benefit for John. It would give him some vital experience that he needs to take the next step in his career. So we continued to pray, and John started talking to the key people about the job. Not too long into the process we found out the house that was provided as part of the package (a common thing in small town schools in the middle of no where as an incentive to attract administrators to schools) was only 3 bedroom and two bath. We have to have at least four bedrooms. The two bath we could find a way to live with, but we would have to have a 4th bedroom. We initially thought this was a closed door. But the powers that be asked us to come look at the house because there were a couple of rooms that could be bedrooms. So we agreed. We weren't sure where those rooms were that could be bedrooms, but there was a garage that could easily be converted, and we decided we could make it work! If this is where God wanted us, we could and would make the house work. We would be in close quarters, but we also realize we are tremendously blessed with our current house. We were willing to do whatever necessary to be where God wanted us. I have failed to mention one of the biggest perks of this job. Taking this job would have put at least $4,000 into our monthly budget. Yes, I meant to put that many zero's! That meant we could easily pay off all debt in a year and still take a trip to Disney in the next year! John and I both started dreaming of what it would mean to be able to buy groceries without scrimping here and there. We could actually afford to just go get the boys tennis shoes when they needed them instead of having to wait until the next pay day and pray that no one else's toe would start sticking out of their shoe before the next pay day! It would mean more flexibility to help with the agency like being able to hire a house keeper or have a couple days a week where Journey and Madison were both in some kind of childcare so that I could work without interruption. The list goes on and on of what that kind of money in our monthly budget would do for us.

But no matter how many pro and con lists we made and no matter how much we wanted the financial freedom this would bring, we had no peace about taking the job. God finally just gave me an answer that was simply "stay" - followed by "trust Me". I knew God was calling me to live out Matthew 6 in a way I never have...and at a time when believing God for things has been a struggle, God was asking me to not worry about what I would wear or what I would eat, or even about John's career but to trust Him! He was asking me to seek Him and His righteousness first....and I believe everything else will be added to us!

After hearing how much the new tires cost on the suburban this morning and struggling to find the money to buy Christmas for the kids, I have at times questioned why we didn't just take the money and go! But I know that God is doing a new work...He is asking me to trust Him with our finances and with His provision for us! I am excited to see how God shows off in this area! Stay tuned......

One year ago today

Our first ever mother/daughter picture!

One year ago today, Paizley came to live with us....forever. This year has been one of the hardest of my life. I just finished "Wait No More" a book by a family who adopted from CPS and she now works for Focus on the Family in CO. There is a quote in there that goes something like adopting teenagers is like pouring gasoline on the fire of your own sins. I can testify to that! While we have had our struggles trying to mesh our two worlds and become a family, the majority of my hard times this year have been seeing my own flaws and struggles magnified and having to deal with them.

We still have our things to work through. Some of them pretty major. But as I sat and talked to Paizley today, I shared that even with all the heartache and struggles of the past year, I would do it again. She wanted to know why and through my own tears I told her because she is worth it. I watched as the tears fell from her eyes as she heard me say that she needed a mother and God wanted me to be in that role for her. And just on that fact alone, it is all worth it and I would do it all again. If someone had said to me, this is exactly what the next year will bring and this is how you will feel and these are the trials this decision will bring, I would not have said yes! But that is why it's called faith! And that is why I am thankful God calls us to what I've come to refer to as blind obedience! I was as educated on the issues of adopting an older child from CPS as anyone can be, but nothing could have prepared me for this past year. But God has carried me through it and I have learned more about Him in the past year than any other year of my life!

So on this eve of Thanksgiving, I am thankful that one year ago today I didn't know what the year in front of me would hold and I opened my door and my heart to an amazing young woman who needed a mother and a father and brothers and sisters...and even more than all that, she needed to know He Savior in an intimate way. I am thankful that God has allowed us to walk this journey. And I am trusting Him with the year we are entering now!

Freedom from Food: 40 Days

There are so many blog posts rattling around in my head...but no time to sit and get them out here! This is a rare moment when babies are asleep, Paizley is at work and the rest of the kids are at a movie with John's parents. And thanks to the help of my amazing friend Elizabeth, my house is clean, so I'm going to get this post out of my head and down here in print!

Several weeks ago, God told me to fast from meat and sweets. I started several times only to talk myself out of it when it got hard. I really don't understand fasting except to know that it is a spiritual discipline that we are expected to partake in when told to do so. And that with each fast I do, I learn a little more about what it does for me and my relationship with God....especially in the battle with food addiction. I wasn't talking myself out of the fast because I didn't want to obey, but I couldn't really get my mind around why I would be fasting from just meat and sweets or what purpose this fast was serving. I'm one of those children who needs to know "why"! I am mature enough to realize God doesn't have to answer the "why", and I'm still accountable to walk in obedience, but this time, He was gracious enough to know my unspoken request to know why and gave it to me!

40 days ago, I was reading the two devotions that I get every day: Proverbs 31 and David Wilkerson. The two were on nothing similar, but God took both of them and lead me right where I needed to be! The Proverbs 31 was on discipline and the David Wilkerson was on unbelief. David talked about how unbelief is the underlying sin of most sin and disobedience. He hit the nail on the head with me! I had just spent some time wrestling with God over some issues of unbelief. But then the Proverbs 31 was on discipline and took me to Hebrews 12: 11-13.

For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems grievous and painful; but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it [a harvest of fruit which consists in righteousness--in conformity to God's will in purpose, thought, and action, resulting in right living and right standing with God]. So then, brace up and reinvigorate and set right your slackened and weakened and drooping hands and strengthen your feeble and palsied and tottering knees, and cut through and make firm and plain and smooth, straight paths for your feet [yes, make them safe and upright and happy paths that go in the right direction], so that the lame and halting [limbs] may not be put out of joint, but rather may be cured. (Amplified version)

God immediately spoke that the fast from sweets and meat was discipline. It was God correcting in me the idolatry of food in my life. He was putting me straight! I thought a fast should be warm and fuzzy and bring me these feelings of closeness to God. But God was showing me that this fast would not be warm and fuzzy because it was discipline. In fact, it will be grievous and painful at times. One version even said sorrowful to mind and body. BUT....in the end, when I had been trained by it, I would yield fruit of righteousness....a harvest of fruit which will bring me into conformity to God's will in purpose, thought, and action resulting in right living and right standing with God! Praise Jesus!!!! That is exactly where I want to be! And my love of food has blocked that so many times in my life! I immediately had not only a purpose for the fast, but a hope like I haven't had in a long time of breaking the bondage of addiction to food!

This is what David Wilkerson then had to say about unbelief:
"Unbelief today is as destructive as it ever was. We may not turn into a pillar of salt, but we do become stiff-necked and bitter! The ground does not open up to swallow us, but we are swallowed by troubles, stress and family problems. Fire does not come down and consume us, but our spiritual life is destroyed."
How could this man whom I have never met have just described perfectly the condition of my life?
But God didn't even stop there! He went on! I love Beth Moore's Praying God's Word and use it often. God reminded me of her section on Unbelief and prompted me to once again read her narrative before the scripture prayers. I've read this tens of times over the years, but it was like reading it for the first time as God used this to speak directly to me about the 40 day fast! Here is the deal. I had sat down the night God showed me all this to ask Him where He was in two major times in my life that I felt He had let me down. I was wrestling with moving forward in belief and faith in any are of my life with these two doubts looming over my head! As I asked God for answers to those times, he took me to unbelief. These two events had left me with so much doubt about God. They left me with so many fears that walking in faith would always end badly. I wanted to believe, but every time I would try to move forward, the enemy would bring up these two particular events. As I read what Beth Moore had to say, it all became clear! God was asking me to fast these 40 days from meat and sweets because He was not only disciplining me, but He was breaking loose all the bondage food had on me, but even greater than that, He wanted to free me from unbelief! Beth Moore says, "Believing God is never more critical than when we have strongholds that need to be demolished. Believing God is also rarely more challenging...But you can't just believe in Him to be free from your stronghold. You must believe Him. Believe He can do what He says He can do. Believe you can do what He says you can do. Believe He is who He says He is. And believe you are who He says you are." Wow! That's what I needed right there! I didn't believe any of those statements, and God wanted to seal this deal for ever!

I began journaling based on the words from Hebrews 12 and then Beth's commentary on unbelief. This is what I journaled that night 40 days ago:

"During the 40 days I will be taking a new grip with my tired hands, strengthening my knees (what I use to walk where God shows) and will have a clear path - boundaries for my feet so on my bad days (when I am weak) I will not fall (fail - turn to food again, because there are no boundaries since food, unlike alcohol or drugs is necessary for life). Then the limb which is lame - my unbelief - will be healed."

I was so excited! I was nearly dancing around the sunroom in praise! Then I heard God's voice and I wrote:

"At the end of 40 days, you will be healed, delivered, free! The 100 lbs will come off - you will hit your goal of (He gave me a number which even in my transparency am not comfortable sharing with the world! LOL!)." Then I heard as clearly as I have ever heard God....almost audible
NEVER DOUBT ME AGAIN

And so the 40 day journey began.

The spiritual battles and the weariness of the last 40 days have been insane, but I have not wavered in my belief. The fast is complete at midnight tonight...and I am expecting big things! I know my chains of addiction to food are going to fall off, and my unbelief will be behind me! There are really no words to describe the journey of the past 40 days or the excitement or thankfulness I have for what God has shown me during this fast. God has taken me through scripture after scripture in the Bible where He did something so someone would believe or would have faith. I know that what I will witness in the days and weeks to come will be a stone of remembrance in my life as a time when my belief and faith were increased beyond what they have ever been before!