Monday, June 11, 2018

Confessions of a Weary Mom


So my original title to this blog was "Confessions of a Bad Mom", but a wise friend recently reminded me of the power of words! So I changed it to confessions of a weary mom. While "bad mom" is not who I am, weariness has caused me to act as a bad mom! 

I ran away this week. I mean, I went to help my parents pack and kick off a new program in San Angelo, but really, I ran away. I needed a break. I never understood women who left their husband and children - until the last few years.  

This is a very raw and transparent post. I share because I believe there are SO MANY of us bad  weary moms out there! Especially the tribe of moms with children from hard places or children with special needs - and especially those of us with all the above! I share because I want you to know you are not alone! I share because I think we need to talk more about what happens behind our closed doors. I desperately want to protect my children's stories - but the fact is, their stories intersect mine! I will attempt to walk that thin line here, please give me some grace if I overstep. I also want you to know this is NOT a post written after I have it all together and am sharing from a new perspective. I am sharing from the pit - but I am clawing at the sides determined to get out - and I want to take any other moms in the pit with me! 

In the last three months, I have had a child pack their bags to move out because being respectful was too much to ask, I have had a child tell me our family "sucks" and they want a new one, I have scars on my arm from a child's meltdown that left me bleeding (other family members and a few educators wear similar marks from the same types of meltdowns), I have been told I put other orphans before my own children, I have listened as a new diagnosis is explored for one child – a diagnosis that could possibly have occurred because of medicine I was prescribed during pregnancy, I have been told my sacrifice to be a stay home mom in early years as well as pouring my life into another human means nothing, I have heard words in my home that I never dreamed would be said. I have cried, I have screamed, I have walked away, I have planned my own death, I have run away. I don't share this for pitty or to get a "you're not a bad mom" response. I share because too often we put on a smile and walk around like all is well - while the mom we meet in the grocery store does the same thing. But actually we are both weary and dying in side. I share because I want that mom to know she is not alone - and if you are ready to do the work to climb out of the pit, I want to help you while you help me! I am not interested in sitting in the pit and complaining about it, or sitting in the pit and feeling sorry for myself. I have tried both - and they don't work! 

So let's start climbing!

I ran away this week because I needed a break! I didn't "want" a break, I "needed" a break! My physical body and frayed emotions could no longer respond in a loving and nurturing way to my family. There are many dynamics happening in our family. Many that I will never share in a forum such as this. Any one of the dynamics would probably have been manageable, but when you add all that is happening together, it became my perfect storm. 

Let me pause here to say, if you are meeting me for the first time through this post, I LOVE my children!! I have 9 beautiful creations of God that He has entrusted to me to nurture, disciple, and raise into warriors for Him! While some of their choices of actions and words did give me small pushes into the pit, the real issue here is me. I am the adult. So if my home is not running in a way that I can live there in a healthy manner, I have to look at myself first. And the Truth is that God would not give me these children if He was not equipping me to parent them and give them all they need! None are here by mistake or accident. They are all mine by His design!

Therefore, this week has been lots of pressing into God, stilling myself to listen, lots of self-reflecting. I know that I do not like the mom I was when I left last week. It is not the mom that I want to be! That left me wondering – how did I get here? It didn’t happen overnight. It was a slow process of demands and stress that slowly but surely swallowed the moments of joy being a mom has always brought me. The needs of my children, the struggles they have because of no fault of their own, the pull of walking other families through the same struggles – all of it had left me anxious, irritable, depressed, on edge….and empty. Oh so empty.

About 4 years ago I realized I was headed down this path. I had always heard “self-care” and thought “selfish”.  But after being stuck in the house with 8 children, 4 of whom were 3 and under, I realized “self-care” is actually read “survival”! I had to find ways to rejuvenate myself. I had to find ways to pour back into myself. My husband was running on empty too! He couldn’t be my pourer – and no one can pour out of an empty cup! I had to find a way to fill mine!

I began allowing myself to take 15 minutes to take a bubble bath, or an hour to get a pedicure, or even just allowing myself to go to the grocery store without any kids to have a mental break from the “MOM!!!!!” that I heard multiple times every 60 seconds. But it just was not enough. The output was still more than the input. I was maxed out, and my emotional and physical bank accounts were becoming more and more overdrawn – taking more and more to even bring them up to zero.

Being an introvert (one who refuels by being alone) in a house of 10 people with 8 of them being children (well 7 – my 18 year old adult child would be very miffed I did not note her adult status!) means there is very little opportunity to refuel. That has to change. That means getting up early enough to have a quiet house to start my day. It also means more structure – a scheduled day for the summer; and with more structure has to come more nurture because the balance must stay the same. For a mom who does not do structure well naturally, that at first sounds like more demands – but I have watched enough moms that I admire to know that structure is a good – no GREAT thing for larger families!

So that’s my one thing I am implanting as I return to my home! I will make myself rise before the sun to insure I have quiet time to refuel and be ready to love my children – and my husband! ;) I will find a schedule that works for us – all of us!

If you could hear yourself in this post – the weariness, the despair of what is happening in your home, can I ask you to think of just ONE thing you can do this week? What one thing could you implement to give you some rest, to pour into your tank?

·       Hire a housekeeper

·       Implement an hour of rest time each day – include yourself in that time!

·       Go for a walk while your husband and kids clean up dinner dishes

·       Set aside 30 minutes a day to read that book that’s been sitting on your nightstand

·       Find some fun stickers to use when scheduling your week! (another confession – I have a horrible addiction to office supplies, and the calendar stickers make me very happy!)

·       meal plan and try out the online grocery shopping if you have not already


Find one thing to help YOU this week! Remember self-care is not selfish, it is survival! And Mommas, we are not just going to survive, we are going to LIVE! Who is with me?! Let’s get out of this pit!

I would love to hear from you and how are climbing out of the pit! You can get in touch with me on Twitter @HPetree or Instagram blessedtimes9.






Wednesday, May 9, 2018

God Sacrificed His Son, Why Shouldn't I?

I am often asked when talking about older child adoption, "How will adoptiong affect my kids?" or "I don't know if we are ready to do this because it may be too difficult for my children."

I get it! Really, I do! I can promise you, adopting WILL affect your kids! It will expose them to things they probably were never exposed to before - and probably won't be for a long time if you don't adopt.

As a parent of 9 children, I often remind myself that the challenges of raising a large family with children who have special needs pale in comparison to dying on the cross. I know. That sounds dramatic! But really, John and I have for years reminded each other that we have not yet anguished to the point of sweating blood (Luke 22:44). Since Jesus did that for us, we really can't complain about the path He has asked us to take. I mean really, can raising my adorable children really be compared to that...

But a perspective I had not really considered about the cross vs adopting is the fact that Jesus is God's Son. Hang with me a minute...I KNOW Jesus is God's son! But when I think about how adoption (or really any act of obedience that has cost your children something - going into the mission field, making a move in order to follow a call, etc) has affected the children already in my home, I have to ask myself, "If God was willing to sacrifice His Son on the cross for me, why should I not be willing to sacrifice my child for Him?" Now before you completely write me off - I am not suggesting that you put your child on an alter or hang them on a cross! But I am asking where we got the theology that God would never ask us to do something that would make our children uncomfortable! Where in scripture does it say that we should wait until our children are out of the house to follow God's commands because they just might not be able to handle it? Who made your children? Do you not think when God knit them together, He had this in mind for them?

I am not suggesting that we don't take seriously our job as parents to protect the ones God has already entrusted to us! But I am challenging the Americanized religious answer to hard things that would require our children to be uncomfortable - even in their own home - in order to be obedient to God's calling and to serve another human who doesn't have what your child does - a family! I am asking you if you are hiding from obedience behind your child?

I recently had a conversation with one of my children about another child. Child A was complaining about how inconvenient Child B is to have in the family. I quickly reminded Child A that Child B struggles with some things due to Child B's beginning before Child B came to live with us! I reminded Child A that Child A did NOTHING to deserve being born into a family with a loving mother and father, a healthy home with everything needed to provide safety, love, and connection. And Child B did nothing to deserve being born into a family who was unable to provide the necessary ingredients for a healthy start! It is only by God's grace those of us with a happy beginning have a happy beginning! We didn't earn it any more than those with a rough start deserve theirs!

If you have felt God tugging at you to adopt, go into missions, move across the country, or anything else that you think would "damage" your children, can I encourage you to revisit it? Ask God again what He desires for you to do - even if it looks like something that will require you to "sacrifice" your children. Can I ask you to trust God with your children and say YES to what He is calling you to?! After all, He said YES to you when He sacrificed His Son for you! If God asked that of His own son - don't you think He might just be asking that of yours too? Just some food for thought....


Wednesday, April 11, 2018

An Open Letter to the Parents of My Child's Classmates

This is a message sent out after school today in one of my children's classes. Before you read any further in this post, stop and think, "What would I think if this note came home from my child's class?" I know the me of five years ago probably would have wanted to know what in the world was happening in that class. How did a teacher get scratched? Why do you feel the need to assure me my child was safe? Are they really safe?

But today when I read it, I just cried....it was my child. My child put the scratch on the teacher. As I read what the school sent out, my heart broke. Let me stop here and say that we have worked hard to get where we are - but we now have an amazing team of educators working with us for our child. I understand why they had to send a message - well, my head understands it, but my heart really just wants to yell at somebody! If I could have followed that message sent out to the parents by the school with my own message, it would go something like this:

Dear Parents,

It was my child. My child put the scratch on our teacher's face. She is just as horrified as you are! I wish you could have seen how she cried when she realized she had hurt the teacher she dearly loves. I wish you could have seen how brave she was as she sat in a room with a mental health crisis worker, a behavioral specialist, her principal, her teacher, her teacher's aid, and the special programs director as she told her side of the story. I wish you could have felt her heart racing, seen the look in her eyes as she apologized to all she hurt in her meltdown. I wish you could have heard how detailed she spoke about what is happening in her mind and body when her body takes over and her mind shuts down because of fear, sadness, and anxiety! I wish you could hear her tell the mental health crisis worker how she wants to sing "What  Beautiful Name" when she starts getting anxious to calm herself down, but sometimes she doesn't remember to. She shared that she wants to sing on stage some day - I wish you could hear her BIG, BEAUTIFUL voice! Did any of you notice last week that she stood on the top row, the ENTIRE music program and sang, and did motions?! Did you know how hard she worked in the days leading up to that moment to convince herself she could in fact do that?! While you were snapping pictures with your child's friends to document all their cute Seuss hair, we were congratulating our daughter on staying on the stage! Celebrating big just how brave she is! Alone, no friends coming to take pictures with her, but BRAVE! Thank you to the mom who did ask at the end if she wanted to take a picture with her daughter. I don't know who you are, but you made this momma's night!

I wish you could get to know my child! I wish you could see the light that shines in her eyes when she feels safe! I wish you could see how she loves to give big hugs when she feels safe - even though your child has probably told you she hits, and screams, and bites when someone touches her. I wish you knew that only happens when her trauma kicks in and she has little to no control over her actions because her natural instinct to protect herself takes over. I wish you knew just how much she loves Jesus and wants to be like Him!

I have heard the whispers. I see the stares as we walk down the hall after an incident. I have had my friends tell me over coffee or lunch that their friend talked about the girl in their child's class who acts so badly - not knowing that their friend is my friend - the mom of that terrible child. I have heard my friends tell me how they have defended us as a family and assured their other friends that we are loving parents despite what so many assume about us based on our daughter's behaviors. I have even sat across tables from some of you as you made comments about my daughter  while looking me in the eye.

I wish you could walk in my shoes for just one day. I wish you could love a child with all your heart who struggles just to make it through daily life because of no fault of her own - or of yours! I wish you could sit as a mom beside your child as they realize the horrors they have caused and are heart broken because of it. I wish you could hold my child while she cries because she knows no one wants to come to her house for a sleep over because she scratched her teacher in a bodily response she couldn't control. I wish you understood.

My daughter is kind, brave, beautiful, compassionate, brilliant, artistic, musical, strong, loving - and a victim of early childhood trauma. Please look beyond the latter to see the real her. And please encourage your children to do the same.

Sincerely,
One Proud & Heart Broken Momma





Tuesday, January 30, 2018

It Comes in Floods - Grief of a Special Needs Parent

I have talked before about how the being a special needs parent has left me in a puddle of grief at unexpected times. This morning is no different. I am sitting here at my office covered in reports needing to be completed, but now unable to do them due to the tears continually flowing - blurring the screen and watering the documentation needed for the reports!

It was a simple phone call from one of my favorite school employees. She loves our kids, she is a cheerleader for us and a champion of all! But this morning, her words hit me like a sucker punch to the gut - "when we meet about Ava's schedule for next year, do you and John want to talk about putting her in some life skills classes?" It's a simple question, right? And we have talked about it many times - I know the answer. Yet saying it out loud feels like a betrayal, or maybe just another bubble of denial busted right open! I don't think I live in denial - but moments like this teach me that I still hold onto hope against hope that in the end, it will all be ok. And it will - just not the "ok" you dream of when you hold your perfectly healthy baby girl.

 I was talking to a friend just this week about how blessed we are by Ava. How thankful we are for her sweet spirit, contagious laughter, and determination! It makes me feel guilty about feeling guilty - she will love life no matter what it brings!

We want her to be the best Ava she can be, and fulfill all God's purposes for her in this life! So that answer is "yes"! We will put her in life skills classes for some of the day in order to begin the preparation for adult living - something that for her, we truthfully have no idea what will look like!

The grief this morning brought will pass - I will reconcile again that despite what our expectation of "normal" is, Ava Claire is fearfully and wonderfully made, and we know this full well!

Monday, August 7, 2017

For anyone who thinks I have it all together....

This is a post I have wanted to write for months....but for much of that time, I wouldn't have been able to collect the thoughts darting through my mind enough to communicate my point. Then fear kept me from writing it for awhile. However, I was reminded this week that the Word says we have overcome by the Blood of the Lamb AND the word of our testimony - I am not where I want to be, but I am not where I was either. Praise God! I was also encouraged to be transparent by two women of God - Lisa Terkeurst and my daughter CallieAnn - who shared their stories boldly, so I am sharing mine as well.

I don't share for sympathy or pity. I don't share to complain - although some of this will sound like toddler whininess I am sure! I share because twice in one week I had two different people say something along the lines of "I don't know how you do it! You are so put together!" Both times my immediate thought was, "If you only knew!" It wasn't that I was hiding things to put on a show. I wasn't sharing all that was going on because I was literally just trying to survive. I only share now because I truly desire to live a transparent life that glorifies my God. I share now because I have no doubt that I have friends who are walking the same path I was...and I want them to know they are NOT alone! I want them to know there is help. I want them to know they don't have to keep walking that path. For my fellow humans struggling with depression, you are not alone!

I woke up every morning with a heaviness and despair that would plague me util I went to bed that night. I would take about 30-45 minutes to talk myself out of bed - I still had to be mom and wife and adoption worker. I would go through the day trying my best to be everything everyone needed me to be. Then I would lay down to the only peace I had throughout the day - sleep.

I  am not sure when it started. I have battled this giant before in my life. I had pretty significant postpartum depression. I was actually in the process of weaning off the medicine when I found out I was pregnant with Journey. So for almost 4 years, I took medicine. When everything with Liberia happened, I battled depression again. It was different that time, though. I knew that was spiritual. I was able to battle back through spiritual warfare and get out of that pit that the enemy wanted to leave me in to kill my life's calling to be a voice and advocate for the orphaned. So I have personally know depression that is physical and depression that is spiritual.

One year ago, we heard God tell us to move. As we walked that out in obedience, we kept hearing that we were going to our Promised Land. How is depression part of my promised land? In short, it's not!

The actual move was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life...the loan for the people buying our house fell through, we were already packed with movers coming in less than a week! We helped them get another loan through a friend, but that set all the timelines off. So the first day of school, we moved into John's parents house for a week while the entire contents of our home was moved in to the garage of our new house. We would then embark on a three month complete gut of our new home that would include moving into the home, moving out to John's parents, moving back into the home, moving all 10 of us into the living room, moving back into John's parents, then moving into just the upstairs before finally being able to move everyone to their bedrooms and our living room furniture in! While doing this we had two kids start a new daycare, one kid start homeschooling, five kids start new schools, one of whom had such severe anxiety that I was making one to two trips a day to the school to help calm this one, one kid had an emergency appendectomy and one kid with a week long hospital stay that included another three weeks of maintenance care to ensure all meds were working and all was well. And that was just in the first 5 weeks of the remodel!

I knew I was stressed. I knew there were moments when it felt like I almost had to leave my body (not literally - but that's the only way I can explain with words the feeling I had of how much I had to disconnect on a daily bases emotionally to simply make it through the day without losing "it" - not really sure what "it" was, but I certainly feared losing it!) - so I felt like I had to leave my body to work in the circumstances I found myself in while also trying to meet the needs of all those dependent on me to be the emotional anchor as we made the move. I knew things were worse than I cared to admit when I started noticing that when my phone would ring with John's ringtone, my heart would start racing, and I would start to sweat. I was having panic attacks, but had no idea that's what they were. I just knew I had to hold "it" together - and part of that "it" was my family! But even though I knew things were tough and I wasn't handling it as well as I wanted to, I felt like much of it was circumstantial. I would tell myself, "I know it's bad, but when we get done moving, it will be ok." But then another crisis or stressor would enter my world. Again, I would say, "I know it's bad, but when we get through football, it will be better." And on and on....

I finally made the call to get on medication when twice I stressed out enough over circumstances that I had to call John to intervene. I knew I had made the right decision when one week after going on medication, for the first time in nearly 20 years of marriage, I had to tell John he couldn't travel for a work trip because I could not take care of things at home alone. I had reached the point where getting out of bed and doing my job was the most I had in me. One of the wake-up calls came when out of the blue, one of my younger kids asked, "Mom, do you like being a mother?!" I knew then something had to change...

For those who know me, they know this we the bottom of defeat for me. I am a strong woman - remember, everyone looks at me and says, "How do you do all that?" But the tower had crumbed. I was worn out. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. And also spiritually. My blood pressure which as been low all my life shot up to near stroke levels. Something in my body was definitely not ok.

I know there is stigma about medicine for depression at times, but I am here to tell you, when your body chemistry is off because of constant stress or other factors, medicine may just be needed! I love what Kris Vallatton says all the time about spiritual warfare and depression. He talks of the time that he had a breakdown and how he had to take medicine for a time to get his mind to where it needed to be to even be able to fight what needed to be fought on the spiritual side. That was exactly where I was!

I have been on medicine for almost 2 months now. It has helped me drastically - but as we all know there is no pill to fix everything! God is teaching me a new and deeper dependence on Him as I walk out of this valley of death. I have learned attributes of God's character in this pit that I would not have learned on a mountain top! Do I think God made me depressed?! Absolutely not! My God is a faithful, loving, gracious Father who wants me whole - mind, body and soul! But He did allow it - and He will use it for His glory and to shape and mold me into more of His reflection. He has taught me to fight on a new level on the spiritual battlefield. I still have days when the anxiety overtakes me. But I am able to fight back. The enemy wants to steal my joy - to steal the plans God has for me. My job is to stay plugged into the Source of Joy, Life, and Love so that I can fight back on the days the medicine isn't enough to overcome the circumstances that push in and threaten to take me under. Those are the days I have to fight even harder to keep my eyes on Jesus so I don't sink! Those are the days I have to remind myself many times a day - sometimes many times an hour- that my God is bigger than ANY problem I face! And I have good news for you too! He is bigger than any problem YOU face also! Greater is He that is in me (and you if you have accepted Him as your Lord) than he that is in the world! I've read the end of the book - We Win! Someone needs to hear that! You are not alone! And you WILL overcome if you will connect with the One whose blood shed for our sins overcame the power of darkness in this world, and will share your testimony! Reach out to someone close to you! Don't let satan shame you with what he gave you! Find a friend to confide in - and allow them to walk with you - right. out. of. the. valley!

You are not alone.....


Saturday, May 6, 2017

Our Ava...we have another diagnosis

It’s been over a month now, but still, it seems surreal. It still has not quite sunk in.
We completed a neuropsychological evaluation with Ava. We were hoping to gain more information on how to best help her be the best she can be. Much of what we learned we already knew. Some of what we learned was new information. And some of what we learned we knew, but we had been trying not to know.
The official diagnosis we have currently is Borderline Intellectual Functioning, but only because our Neuropsychologist is a “purist” – her words, not mine – and felt there were some scores in the functioning range that kept her form giving the Intellectually Disabled Diagnosis. She did note in her report as well as in our consult that she expects Ava’s scores to dip in the next few years as she gets older which means the ultimate diagnosis it Intellectually Disabled.
Borderline Intellectual Functioning
Intellectually Disabled
It really didn’t matter; the news was the same. We heard from someone’s mouth for the first time that they did not expect that Ava will ever be able to live on her own without support. And we were warned with what we have already known – we will have to protect Ava fiercely from those who might want to take advantage of her. We sat and talked about things that no mother of a 10 year old should ever have to think much less devise a plan.
I can’t say that we were totally blind sided. We knew it was a possibility. But hearing it. Seeing it in black and white. It took away our last bit of hope. Don’t get me wrong, with Jesus we always have Hope! It wasn’t that Hope that we lost. It was the hope that the things we saw were just delays. It was the hope that we would go in and they would tell us “It’s all going to be ok.” It was the hope that they would say, “She may have some delays, but she will function on an independent level at some point.” Those were the hopes that were gone.
I wanted to write about it then…when it happened. But I knew I would short circuit my computer with the tears that refused to be contained. I would hold it together until the last child was dropped off for school. Then the damn would break and the tears would flow. I would cry until I didn’t think I could cry anymore….then it would start again. I would text John because I couldn’t call. He would never have been able to understand what I was trying to blubber. I would pull myself together before everyone came home…then start it all over the next day. That went on for about a week.
I struggled with struggling. I mean, anyone who knows Ava loves her! We couldn’t ask for a more wonderful daughter…how could I be so sad? There were some days that it was just a totally selfish grief that overwhelmed me. The thought that I will never be an empty nester. I mean we already knew we would be ancient by the time we got the kids raised, but there was that hope of 10 good years after that to travel, do missions, REST! But the new news meant I will never be able to go on a vacation without making sure someone is watching our Ava. I told you it was selfish….but it’s real.
I have settled in my innermost being that God is good. We have been through enough in our family that battle is won and settled. So I didn’t get angry at God. But I did wrestle some more with the fact that her disorder is in her DNA! It IS how she was knit together in my womb by God almighty! It means that how she is now is her fearfully and wonderfully made. It means that how she is now includes ALL she needs for the plans and purposes God has for her. So can I even pray for healing? Should I pray for healing? Does she need healing? I haven’t settled those yet.
I have two friends who have always inspired me on their special needs parenting journeys. I had no idea God had been preparing me for the journey myself…still sounds weird…special needs parent. One of these friends shared a post a couple weeks ago that summed up all I had been feeling perfectly! She called it “special needs parent grief”. She is WAY further down this path than me, and her daughter has challenges that require much more of her as a mom than my daughter ever will me – so to compare would be insane. But she spoke of how it hits you when you least expect it. We were in the van and everyone was talking about what they wanted to be. I hear Ava’s sweet voice blurt out, “I am going to be a doctor!” Before I even know it the tears are spilling over onto my cheeks, and I have to feign something in my eye to not upset the kids who notice the water works.
Then the Sunday after we got the news, I was bawling my way through worship. I look over where the kids stand, and I see this…




Ava fully engaged in worship! Eyes closed, hands open ready to receive, fully basking in the Glory of her Heavenly Father. And in that moment the first sense of peace I had since the news. I have no idea what Ava’s future holds, but as we have always said, I know Who holds her future! I have no idea what it means for me as a mother, but I know the One who promises to provide me with ALL I need to do ALL He has given me…and He gave me Ava!
Then at a night of worship we had, our youth pastor gave an amazing Word that he received for Ava. He shared how he saw her dancing in a field of flowers GRACEFULLY! That means the jerky motions are gone. The instability is gone. The dystonia is gone! Pastor Ben said he believes we will see her dance that way in the physical, that it was not just a spiritual grace!
So God continues to be faithful. He continues to provide encouragement and give us His Hope for our Ava….His Ava!

Now I have to have that conversation with myself several times a day some days….and some days I just get stuck in the sadness of it all. We are still working through it all. But one thing that has never changed….I am blessed to be that little girls mom! I am ready for many more adventures with Ava!

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Are we protecting ourselves out of obedience?

CallieAnn, my 17 year old daughter, and I were driving to the Celebration of Life service for the mother of one of CallieAnn's friends. This isn't just "some" friend, but one of her closest friends. She is one of the ones that spent enough time at our house that I consider her an honorary daughter and not just a friend of CallieAnn's. CallieAnn was making fun of me as I bawled as I drove because she had just played the new Ed Sheeran song Supermarket Flowers. If you haven't hear it, go listen! But grab the kleenex first!

It got quiet as we both reflect on where we were headed. Than CallieAnn said, "You know, we sure have had a lot of tragedy in our family!" I kind of glanced at her and said, "No, we really haven't had much tragedy at all." I mean we haven't loss many people. John's and my grandparents are really the only deaths we have faced, and they died when most of our children were not yet born and those who had been were young. But as CallieAnn clarified what she meant, I realized it wasn't tragedy that she was talking about, but trauma. We haven't had a lot of tragedy, but we have had more than our fair share of trauma...chaos.

And her next question was, "Why?" And immediately I knew the answer was obedience.

We talked for a few minutes about how we have chosen a life of obedience that has meant life was not comfortable. It really made me think about how we truly have said yes to God in so many ways that meant some sort of trauma entered out home. It has changed my children. It has exposed them to things that I know many work to shelter their children from. I have struggled from time to time knowing that our choices have brought heartache and trauma to our children that they would have avoided had we just chosen the safe path versus the obedient path.

I see so many articles on social media by well-meaning Christians warning about the "dangers" of this and the "dangers" of that. But every time I read one of those I have to ask myself, are we as Christians, charged with protecting our families? Are we supposed to view our life experiences through a lense of protection? I really don't see that to be the example we were left with in how Christ walked out His life.

He walked with the ones no one else would walk with! His followers were imprisoned for the obedience they chose. CallieAnn's question just made me ponder if in America we have chosen to value comfort over obedience. When I meet Jesus face to face, I want to be hear that I said yes when He asked not that I chose the safe path...even if it means life is not comfortable.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

God's Timing: A Lesson from a Tree


This is my favorite tree on our property. I was walking past it a couple weeks ago and saw that it had budded out. My immediate reaction was, "Oh no!!! It has budded too soon! We will have another freeze, and it will lose all these buds!" I would be extremely sad if this tree wasn't able to leaf out. As I stood contemplating the fate of my tree for this season, God whispered, "Timing is important! If you bloom too soon, the frost will get your buds." I think I laughed out loud! God knows how much I struggle with His timing, and like the good Father He is, He was taking advantage of this teachable moment.

We are on the verge of one of the largest growths in the agency we have had since we created it 12 years ago. How many times over the 12 years have I wondered if anything would really come of the agency? How many times did I wish it was "bigger" because I felt like what I was doing was insignificant or worthless? All of those moments came flashing back as times I thought I was ready to bust out my blooms, but God knew if I were to do that, a freeze was waiting to take it all away!

I smiled, thankful for the gentle reminder of the lesson of waiting on God's timing that I had learned from those experiences. I started to walk off. Silly me! I have walked with God long enough to know, if He started this conversation, there was problem more than just a fun reminiscing of lessons learned. There was a Truth for today.

Just a few days earlier, a friend had shared a prophecy warning of holding an umbrella over dry, cracked ground that was thirsty for the rain God was sending. The message was to allow the rain that God was sending to saturate the dry ground. I had been tossing that around praying through what it meant. As I started to walk off from the tree, God brought some clarity. He reminded me that blooming before I was ready was not the only timing issue I had to trust Him with. As I glanced over to Jim, our horse standing just a few feet behind the tree that had become my object lesson for the day, that small voice whispered again. "Not only do you not need to bloom too soon, but you also don't need to pull back on the reigns when I send the vision into full motion!" Ouch! I would have been just find to look back on those memories of wanting more but learning to trust Him to bring it in His timing. But no, God had to go and remind me that I was afraid of the things He had shown me needed to be happening because I just did not see how it would work.

We are in one of the craziest seasons of our lives! We are still trying to crawl out from under the crazy moving/remodel experience of this summer. We still don't have all the remodel completed (lack a few things in the kitchen and an entire bathroom), we still have boxes to unpack, systems to get into place, and some painting to do. The agency has become busier than it has ever been all while our children's needs are at a place where they need us advocating, and loving, and connecting and providing for them more than we ever have. John's job is also going through some transition that is pulling him in different directions and brings more stress and demands. Then my parents had a serious car accident last week, and I saw my daughter and oldest grandson for the first time in three years, and met my youngest grandson for the first time ever! It seriously could not be a busier, more demanding, emotionally exhausting season of life. So I find myself pulling back on the reigns of the things God is saying to let run, NOW! I find myself throwing up an umbrella afraid of the rain that is falling.

The buds have grown out more now. I can see them from my windows. We haven't had a hard freeze since they started coming out, but I suspect we will. I do not really know what it will do to the tree for this season. But every time I catch a glimpse of a bud, I smile because I hear that small voice saying, "Do you see how big that tree is?! What is happening in this season will be another ring. Another year of growth. Another layer of strong bark turned to an inner ring. Don't stop by just looking at the buds...look at what I have done over years and years. Trust me with your season! It's just one piece of the puzzle I am working in your life to build and mold and shape you into who I have called you to be! Listen. Trust. Obey. Then leave the rest up to me!"


Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Foster Care Redesign: A Call To Action

Yesterday I posted my testimony that was given to the Senate Health and Human Services Committee regarding Senate Bill 11. Senators Schwertner, Uresti and Nelson are the authors of the bill. I have spoke to staffers in all of these Senators' offices. But we need MORE voices! The only voices being heard right now with regard to Foster Care Redesign and further privatization are the ones who profit from it or who need to "save face" because they helped design it! There are amazing Senators on the HHSC who truly have a heart to do what is best for children. They need to hear us! We are the only ones who can speak up for the kids! 

This is a complex issue that I am going to attempt to make into bullet points that are easy for you to communicate to your Senator and Representative. If you do not know who your Senator or Representative is, go here to find out! In addition to your Senator or Representative, please contact those Senators who are on the HHSC! They are: 
Senator Charles Schwetner (Committee Chair) (512) 463-0105
Senator Carlos Uresti (Committee Vice Chair) (512) 463-0119 
Senator Dawn Buckingham (512) 463-0124
Senator Konni Burton (Senator for the current Redesign Area) (512) 463-0110 
Senator Lois Kolkhorst  (512) 463-0118 (If Senator Kolkhorst is your Senator, you should be very proud! She has a true heart for children and appears in the hearings to be seeking real solutions for positive outcomes for all children!)
Senator Borris Miles (512) 463-0113
Senator Charles Perry (512) 463-0128 (Senator Perry also shows a genuine concern for the outcomes for all children! You have a great child advocate in your Senator if Perry represents you!)
Senator Van Taylor (512) 463-0108
Senator Kirk Watson (512) 463-0114 (Senator Watson is new to this committee, but he was very involved in the hearing and seeking an understanding of the real issues and the best solutions for children! His office also expressed a desire to see a pilot of the current system fully funded! Please call his office if you support funding CPS fully so that workers can do their job and let him know he has your support!)

When you call say:

"This is ___state you name___ my zip code is ____7XXXX___. I am calling to voice my concern over the privatization of DFPS rolls in Senate Bill 11 as well as the continued roll out of Foster Care Redesign. My concerns are:

  • The private sector has already proven it does not have the capacity to serve the needs of Texas children in care.  
  • Redesign limits the number of adoptive homes available to children who are legally free for adoption
  • Redesign outcomes being reported do not accurately represent actual outcomes for some populations of children. 
  • Families willing to adopt older children and large sibling groups are being denied placement
  • Redesign is said to be the best model for children yet the roll out has missed deadline after deadline delaying the process of reform. A fact that does not address the immediate dire situation of our children in care as articulated by Judge Jack in the federal ruling. 
  • Redesign is said to be the best model for children yet CPS workers in more than one region have been told speaking out against it will result in a loss of their jobs, and redesign contracts include a silencing clause.Why can those who know what is happening to children in redesign not speak out about it if it is good for children?
  • Redesign creates a competition within areas of the state that results in poor outcomes for children in other areas of the state. Do we want a system that is best for some Texas children or all Texas children? 
  • There needs to be an independent audit that ensures redesign is creating the actual outcomes that are best for all Texas children and families. 
  •  Senate Bill 11 suggests several pilot programs for privatization of multiple CPS rolls. This would result in many DFPS employees losing their jobs.
  • There should be a pilot program to fully fund a region from investigations through post placement to examine outcomes if the legacy system is given the needed resources to function with recommended case loads, maintain workforce, etc. Could it be that our current system will provide the desired outcomes for all Texas children if it is funded the way redesign is being funded? 


I have the same information below with some bullet points that expand on the concerns. If your Senator or Representative would like more details or needs more explanation to fully understand the issues with redesign and Senate Bill 11, I am happy to visit with them and provide more details, copy of emails, contracts, etc to back my concerns. They can reach me by calling Addy's Hope 432.897.1503.


  • The private sector has already proven it does not have the capacity to serve the needs of Texas children in care.  
    • The first redesign area failed completely when Providence withdrew their contract and left the children under their management in limbo as they moved back to CPS management.
    • The current redesign area has been funded with $6 million dollars of private money. Money that cannot be guaranteed for all areas of Texas.  
  • Redesign limits the number of adoptive homes available to children who are legally free for adoption
    • For Example:  Agency B in Houston has 350 licensed adoptive homes. Agency B does not desire to contract with the SSCC in Catchment Area 3B because it is not lucrative for them to do so. Now children in 3B no longer have access to the 350 homes licensed by Agency B. This drastically reduces the odds of waiting children finding a forever home and increases the odds that they will age out of foster care.
  • Redesign outcomes being reported do not necessarily accurately represent actual outcomes. 
    • It is reported that adoption numbers are up in 3B. However, adoption agencies, CPS employees and CASA all report a decrease in matched adoptions as well as an increase in time it takes for the process to be completed when compared to the legacy system. When asked specifically about the number of matched adoptions being completed, we have been told those numbers do not exist.
    • The numbers being reported for adoptions reflect the numbers of all adoptions including kinship as well as foster homes adopting children who become legally free. They do not accurately reflect the outcome for our older, harder to place children who are not being matched for adoption.
  • Families willing to adopt older children and large sibling groups are being denied placements
    • placement of a sibling group of 4 was denied placement under Providence in 2014
    • placement of a 16 year old was attempted to be blocked until adoptive parents advocated on her behalf for placement
    • both scenarios were due to a contract issue and could have moved forward under the legacy system without issue
    • families licensed for adoption with agencies under redesign are waiting 12+ months to be matched. With many of them becoming frustrated with the system and stopping the process. Comparatively, families licensed to adopt in the legacy system are waiting 3-6 months to be matched.
  • Redesign is said to be the best model for children yet the roll out has missed deadline after deadline delaying the process of reform. A fact that does not address the immediate dire situation of our children in care as articulated by Judge Jack in the federal ruling. 
  • Redesign is said to be the best model for children yet CPS workers in more than one region have been told speaking out against it will result in a loss of their jobs, and a contract from the current redesign SSCC for an adoption agency contained a silencing clause. Why can those who know what is happening to children in redesign not speak out about it if it is good for children?
  • Redesign creates a competition within areas of the state that results in poor outcomes for children around the redesign area. Do we want a system that is best for some Texas children or all Texas children? 
    • a town hall meeting in 3b revealed the testimony of a foster mom who has an empty bed, but the CPS office 20 miles from her has a child sleeping on the floor. Because she was in 3b, and the child was not, the child had to remain on the floor and her bed remained empty. 
  • There needs to be an independent audit that ensures redesign is creating the actual outcomes that are best for all Texas children and families. 
  •  Senate Bill 11 suggests several pilot programs for privatization of multiple CPS rolls. This would result in many DFPS employees losing their jobs.
  • There should be a pilot program to fully fund a region from investigations through post placement to see if with the needed resources the legacy system will provide the desired outcomes for all children and maintain the CPS workforce we need to secure to ensure the safety and well-being of Texas Children. 

THANK YOU for speaking up and being a voice for children! Please share with anyone who you know who has a concern for the current issues facing our children in state care!

Monday, February 6, 2017

Foster Care Redesign Is Not Working In Texas

I have had several people asking me about my testimony last week at the Senate Health and Human Services Committee. I ended up discarding my planned testimony to address the misinformation that had already been spoken in the hearing. I simply spoke to the Committee about my experience and the reality of the system for children. However, the Committee did receive this written testimony.

The hearing was actually over Senate Bill 11 which has Foster Care Redesign moving forward across the state, but even more alarming is that it wants to privatize even more rolls of CPS! If you know someone who works for CPS, you need to make sure they are aware of this Bill.  It would do away with their job with DFPS. This Bill is very alarming! I will be posting bullet points tomorrow that I would ask everyone to call their Senator and Representative to voice the concerns and challenge the misinformation being given.

This is what I presented to the Committee:


To:                   House Health and Human Services Committee Members

Background/Perspective:
I am a former foster parent, mother to 9 children (6 of whom are adopted), and executive director of an adopt only child placing agency. I have managed a contract with DFPS for adoption services for the past three and a half years. I attempted to secure a contract with Providence, and currently have a contract with OCOK. I have been a part of the adoption community for the past 15 years. I have a passion to empty the Texas foster system of children who are legally free for adoption, but remain in foster homes because of a lack of adoptive homes. I have a passion for recruiting, training, and supporting adoptive homes to ensure successful, life-long outcomes for our children who cannot return to their biological families.

Problems with Senate Bill 11
First, let me thank the committee for seeing the current state of our child welfare system and desiring a change. I commend you for that. However, upon reading the majority of Senate Bill 11, I am left with a sense of dread as it is clear that the issues with our system have been misdiagnosed. The issues that plague our current system and result in poor outcomes for children cannot be fixed with the continued roll out of Foster Care Redesign or the privatization of more case management services.
My concerns over privatization of any aspect of case management for our children as well as the continued roll out of redesign across the state come not from theory or unsubstantiated fear. My concerns come from my actual experience with redesign and the current philosophy that the competition of the free market will ensure better outcomes for children.

My first experience with redesign was in 2014 when Providence, the SSCC in the catchment area for regions 2 and 9 refused to discuss a contract with me as an adoption only provider. During my first phone call to Providence I was told “We would never stand in the way of children finding a home.” That changed over the course of my 6 week battle for a sibling group of 4 to be placed in one of my licensed adoptive homes. I had a contract with DFPS. I met all of their requirements. My licensed home was located in the same catchment area, but because the SSCC would lose money by placing the children in my licensed home the placement was denied. That is a decision that was driven completely by profit margin. The outcome for those four children was a sentence to languish in foster care for three more years. One child remains in CPS custody still today. The siblings who would have remained a unit, are no longer able to live in the same home. Did redesign fix the system for those children?

Providence withdrew their contract in the midst of my conversations with the HHSC as well as Kaysie Reinhardt the DFPS Foster Care Redesign Director. As I continued to work in Region 9, my agencies home region, to place waiting children in licensed adoptive homes through my DFPS contract, I would have to wait 6 months for a case file for a little girl and her brother so that one of my families could move forward with adopting them. When I inquired time and again why we were having to wait, it was stated that the overwhelming task of transferring cases back to CPS from Providence had left the department paralyzed. What we would learn later is that every Sunday of that 6 months, that little girl went up to the alter at her church and prayed for an adoptive family. She had an amazing foster family who did a wonderful job of beginning her healing process and preparing her for a forever family. However, week after week, the little girl expressed her feelings of rejection that no one wanted her as their forever daughter. The heart ache of trauma of this little girl was extended by 6 months because of the failed privatized system of foster care redesign. I am happy to report that once redesign was out of the way, the little girl’s prayers were answered. She and her brother are thriving in their adoptive home and have far exceeded anyone’s expectations of progress in the time they have been in their adoptive home. Redesign did not fix the system for these children. And the case turn over when Providence withdrew leaves the question, what will we do with massive case turnovers when a SSCC does not renew their contract if we continue the move to privatization. There is not a good answer. It is an inevitable occurrence that will once again leave Texas children vulnerable and unaccounted for.  We are simply exchanging the cancer that currently plagues our system for another.

This was not an isolated occurrence with Providence. In the January of 2016 I was contacted by CPS and asked if I had an adoptive home for the twin sister of a 16 year old I had placed a few months prior. The sister was now ready to be adopted, and her amazing CPS worker was attempting to find a home geographically close to her twin sister to facilitate regular contact between the twins. Again foster care redesign threatened to stop the placement of a 16 year old girl simply because of financial reasons. I have black and white emails where the SSCC worker was willing to let her remain in an RTC instead of working to place her in an adoptive home that was ready to take placement – and could have moved forward without any hesitancy in the legacy system. Thankfully the potential adoptive parents along with the adoptive parents of the twin sister already placed advocated for their daughters. With the help of Representative Brooks Landgraff and Matt Krause, we were able to secure a contract with OCOK in order to place this young lady in a home where she is currently thriving – maintaining regular contact with her twin sister. For this young lady, redesign was a huge step backwards. She has a bright future despite redesign.

I hear many sing the praises of foster care redesign. There are many goals of redesign that I support 100%. However, as a person working on the ground, I do not see those goals being obtained for the children of Texas. I hear reports that are given by the people with a vested interest – either an interest in financial gain or an interest in saving face that redesign is worth the tax payer dollars it has used. This leads me to one of the biggest concerns of child advocates with privatization. How do we ensure quality outcomes when profit margin is the driving force? I am perplexed when I speak to those at DFPS as well as some who serve on the PPP for redesign. They all state there are amazing outcomes from redesign. It leaves me wondering where is the disconnect between the theory of what should be happening in this privatized system and the reality of what is actually happening for our children in care. For example, everyone I speak to about my concerns with adoptions under redesign refers to the increased number of adoptions occurring in catchment area 3b.  Yet, I have a conversation with the CASA office in Johnson County telling me that they have not had any of their children placed in adoptive homes in months and are wondering why that would be. I personally have experienced an increased delay in the process of selecting children for adoptive homes under redesign. If I am working with a CPS worker directly in the selection process, it takes a matter of weeks. Twice I have had to enlist the assistance of Governor Abbott’s office to simply get a phone call or email returned to by OCOK letting me know if children are still available for adoption or if my family was selected. Yet the numbers say adoptions are increasing. When I asked Ms. Reinhardt to see the numbers for actual adoptive placements of children who are legally free for adoption and placed into matched adoptive homes, I was told that data was unavailable. The adoption numbers being reported include those where children were adopted by their foster family as well as kinship placements. These are amazing and highly desired outcomes for those children. However, the reporting of those numbers as “adoptive homes” gives an inaccurate representation of the outcomes for our harder to place children who are remaining in foster homes when they should be in permanent, adoptive homes. 
I would encourage those on the HHSC committee to talk to the people on the ground. Ask foster families and CPS workers if they see an improvement in our system under redesign. I have yet to speak to any CPS case manager or foster family who feels redesign is a good model. At a town hall meeting in catchment area 3b, foster family after foster family expressed concerns over lack of support and poor outcomes for children. One foster family stated that they had a bed available in their home that was 20 miles from a CPS office where an infant was having to stay at the office due to no “available” bed. This foster mother was a 3b home and was therefore not allowed to take placement of this baby sleeping in a CPS office. So while redesign may show that fewer children are sleeping in offices, what do the numbers of the regions around redesign say? Is anyone looking at the entire picture to see what creating a competitive market for children’s cases does overall to Texas children? I have a string of emails I will be happy to share that show a region 3b family reaching out to a CPS worker in another region about adopting a Texas child because she has had no movement on her case in months. The CPS worker has a child she would like to consider placing in their home after visiting with the family. However, the placement is not allowed to occur because the family is told that her agency will not release her home study for a placement of any child outside of 3b. This young man’s only other family being considered was in New York. I believe this is an unintended outcome of implementation of redesign. But is anyone looking at these unintended outcomes? Or are we just looking at the numbers in the catchment area and ignoring the negative outcomes for all other Texas children?

Based on my experience, I would have to say the latter. CPS workers have been told they cannot speak out against redesign, or they will lose their jobs. My initial contract with OCOK had a silencing clause in it. Had I signed the contract as it was originally sent to me, I would not be able to sit before you today exercising my right to speak up for children without the threat of legal action against me. This begs the question, if redesign is all the numbers say it is, why do we have to silence the people who know the actual outcomes for children?

I understand the concept of free-market supply and demand. In a consumer driven market, consumer choice drives the demand for quality. I am told that is what will maintain the quality of care for children under privatized systems like redesign. Yet, I know providers who are being paid less under their contracts with OCOK than they were under contracts with DFPS. When asked why that is, service providers are told that OCOK must recoup some of it’s cost somewhere. How is paying a middle man, in this case an SSCC, making the best use of the funds available to in fact provide quality service to our children? That fact alone defies the entire philosophy of creating a privatized system that will ensure quality care of our Texas children.  We already have a vast shortage of agencies willing to license families for adoption only due to the drastic profit loss when an agency moves a child from a foster placement to an adoptive placement. That shows that outcomes for children will in fact be affected by a system based on monetary incentives. How will we ensure biological families are protected, and every child who could be returned home will be when an organization would profit from the child remaining in care? You cannot afford to give large enough incentives to reunify a child compared to what an organization would earn for keeping the child in care.

We need not look to Florida or any other state to see if privatization of DFPS case management works. The private sector in Texas, of which my organization is part, has proven is does not have the capacity to manage the vast needs of our children in care. This is why Providence failed and why we have seen no other redesign roll outs despite deadlines that have come and gone for the next SSCC to take over.

Suggested Solution:
I believe if someone brings a complaint to the table, they should have a proposed solution as well. The sections of Senate Bill 11 suggesting we continue the roll out of foster care redesign as it is as well as begin to create privatization of other case management currently under the supervision of DFPS are simply exchanging one crisis for another.

I work with amazing people with DFPS who have a heart for children. They have a desire to do their job well so children have positive outcomes. However, they simply cannot do their jobs because of caseloads and supervisor turnover. We need to funnel all of our available funds into strengthening salary scales, and hiring more workers to make caseloads manageable. We need to have accountability on the local level and empower our regional offices to engage the community and take ownership of their outcomes for children. Harris County is giving us an amazing example of how this can work. Let us learn from their success and stop redesign roll out. We cannot simply exchange one cancer for another. We need real, proven, successful outcomes for our children. We must look at the facts of redesign as they apply to all Texas children and understand it has not truly created the outcomes it was in theory able to create. We cannot allow competition for outcomes and profits in one area of Texas by an individual organization keep children from another area of Texas from receiving quality care of permanence. We must not be divided in our efforts to help children, but come together united for all Texas children.


The question I leave with you is: if you want to continue the roll out of privatization of any case management of children where demand drives quality, what is the price tag for ensuring our children have the safety and future they deserve? I am quite certain it is a price you cannot afford. 


***After hearing some amazing people who have a heart of the children of Texas speak against Senate Bill 11 and all it's challenges, it became clear that there should be a pilot program that would fully fund one region of CPS from investigations all the way through post adopt programs. Lets fund the current CPS program with the money they are using to fund redesign and see if by chance what we have now will actually work when it is fully funded! Our children do not have time for us to get this wrong....and Foster Care Redesign is too costly and has already failed in one of two attempts! Our children cannot survive under those odds! 

Friday, December 30, 2016

When your Yes brings regrets: Face to Face with Flesh

December is always a time of great reflection for me. Christmas, my birthday, my anniversary, a year closing, a new year starting...this December was no different with the exception that I was reflecting on one of the hardest years of my life to date!

As I see 2016 come to a close, I have felt more and more bitterness and regret creep in. I don't really like either one of those emotions...and I am pretty sure that they are not part of my heavenly nature! So that means I need to do a check and see where they are coming from!

If I am honest, they have been hanging around the better part of this year. I don't know if it is getting older, realizing I have probably entered the last half of my life, or whether it is just weariness from a life lived on full blast without the self care I should have done. But whatever the reason behind it, I have had to do some reflecting to see how to get rid of it!

As I looked for the root of my bitterness and regret, every root led back to a tree that grew from a "yes" I had said to God. There are yeses in my personal life, professional life, married life, spiritual life, mom life...all kinds of parts of my life that if I had not said "yes" I would have missed out on some pain and frankly just some hard stuff! Stuff that has felt like it has taken the literal life out of me!

But I believe the Bible! I believe the Truths in it. So when my feelers don't align with what I know to be Truth, then it's time to find out why and get the feelers back in line with the Truth!

It was sitting by the Christmas tree one morning when the house was quiet that I had to come face to face with the Truth of where my bitterness and regrets were coming from. I was contemplating the "yes" that Jesus gave when he left heaven to come to earth. I was overcome with gratefulness as I reflected on ALL Jesus gave up and the pain and agony he suffered simply because He had a desire to save me...and you.

 "I haven't come from heaven to do what I want to do. I've come to do what the one who sent me wants me to do." John 6:38 


Wow! So as someone who calls themselves a Christ Follower, I did not accept Jesus as Lord to do what I want to do, but to do what He who saved me wants me to do! My yeses are NOTHING compared to the Yes Jesus gave! I have lost nothing compared to what He lost! When looking from that perspective, regret and bitterness have no place! So why were they still lurking around causing me heartache and frustration? I wanted to rebuke the devil and make him flee....but as I sat meditating on the Truth of Jesus' yes and my regrets, I realized that there was no devil here to rebuke. I was looking my flesh right in the eyes! I had got caught up in the "what could have been" had I not agreed to take the hard road! I wasn't comparing to anyone in particular, but was comparing in a general sense to what other's lives appear to be who don't have as many children, aren't married, don't work outside the home, etc, etc.....My flesh was crying out for an easier road. Then when realizing I was too far down all the paths to turn around, my flesh responded with regret and bitterness. There were times I am sure the enemy added his lies to my reflections to feed the fire my flesh started, but at the start of what I was wrestling with was simply my flesh desiring an easier road! 

So I sat that morning and asked forgiveness from the One who promises to wipe my sin as far as the east is from the west. Then I looked my flesh in the eyes again and told it what WILL be! Those yeses I gave hold great promises and abundant life I would have missed if I had not agreed to do the will of my Father! So I made a decision to view those things causing me grief not in the way they appear now, but in the way God intends them to be! God has told me 2017 is a year of HOPE. Part of Biblical HOPE is seeing things as they are in the heavenly realm and not as circumstances make them appear! I applied that truth to those yeses that were making me feel discouraged and worn out! I wish I could say the regret and bitterness immediately left. But that's not always how it happens. In the days since that morning by t
he tree, I have had to battle my thoughts and feelings! I have to continually renew my mind with what I want things to look like....not how they currently are! Once I have reset my thoughts, the regret and bitterness are replaced with HOPE and peace!

I don't know what has left you feeling regret, bitterness or hopelessness in 2016. But I would love for you to walk with me to replace those feelings with HOPE! Whatever path you are on, the Word promises Jesus knows the feelings as he experienced this sinful earth as fully man! Yet He chose to come anyway! If there is nothing else you can hang onto at this point but that HOPE, then grab on for dear life and let Jesus begin to work in you to bring HOPE to the rest of your circumstances!  And remember you are not alone


Sunday, November 6, 2016

The Next Faith Journey: The Things I remembered and the Things I Learned

I can't believe it has been two months since I have blogged! Usually my silence means one of two things: 1) I am swamped and too busy to sit down and write or 2)I am an emotional wreck and can't get my own thoughts together enough to put them down. Both of those things would be true of the last two months! I have been at the West Texas office the last three days and had a full day yesterday of simply being with my mom and RELAXING! So as I sit here in the quiet house with my coffee in my Christmas mug (Christmas is my favorite time of the year, but before this morning thinking about Christmas brought great anxiety!!), I am ready to process just a bit..

We are on day EIGHTY-THREE of this madness! From the day we started living out of suitcases to today has been 83 days....and I have now unpacked ONE box! Seriously! We moved our furniture into the house on day 64! Truly this has been the most difficult season of my life as far as complete and total chaos, stress, and learning to persevere! There are so many blog posts that could come from the last two months....but instead of writing the novel that could be written, I think I will just jot down a few of the lessons I have learned or been reminded of over these weeks.


  1.  You can survive a week without a shower...but those around you might not. (The one who went a week without a shower will remain nameless to protect the stinky.)
  2. As a mom you have to do things that make you want to throw up and tear your heart out, but you do them because they are the best thing for your children in the long run! And it makes you think about God and how He sees some of the things I do/don't do!
  3. I am stronger than I think I am in some areas, but not as strong as those around me think I am in others.
  4. A family of 10 is really expensive to feed without a kitchen.
  5. You can cook with only one small knife, one sauce pan and one skillet..even for 10 people!
  6. You can't survive tough times without a village. There were people who picked up kids when I couldn't make it to the school. There were people who took or picked up from practices when I just couldn't get there. And most importantly in the days when I could not even form a prayer to lift to heaven, there were warriors holding up my arms and praying for me! I never doubted God, I never felt mad at God, but from shear emotional and physical and spiritual exhaustion, I just couldn't pray. But they did. And through their prayers, I saw God move mountains and make provisions that left me in awe of my good, good, Father!
  7. Free will stinks!
  8. You CAN survive a move, remodel, emergency appendectomy hospital stay for one kid, a week long hospital stay for one kid all while living in two different houses with no family close enough to help. It's not pretty, but you can do it. 
  9. A hug from a friend at just the right time will release a sea of tears and make you do the ugly cry right there in front of them! 
  10. When you get bogged down in the process and forget all that God just brought you through (I HATE it when I act like an Israelite!), God will send a friend going through the exact same process he just took you through so that as you share all your faith and stories of miracles with your friend, you are encouraged in your own walk! 
  11. Self care is vital! Stress will do bad/weird things to you...like make you itch all over!!! And without self care, it will eventually take you down.
  12. Self care has to involve all three parts of your being: Spirit, body and soul!
  13.  Dogs who run through the woods do get fleas. And fleas are very hard to get rid of. And just mentioning fleas makes me itch.
  14. When one of your kids' counselors dismisses them to ask you how you are and you fall apart, it might be time to get your own counselor. 
  15. You can hear God in the sound of the falling leaves and the chirping of the frogs and no matter what is going on in your life, in that moment there is peace.
  16. You can't take junk into the promised land. You have to leave it behind...and that can mean war with the "giants".
  17. Not all people keep their word. I hope the new owners of our old house enjoy my bedspring chandelier... :(
  18. God makes provision for the things in your future that you don't yet know you need. Like an employee that it took three years to find, but was right on time for what we just went through. Without her, the agency would have crumbled over the last three months. God knew that and had her in place right when she needed to be. Satan better watch out! Monday morning we are both back in the saddle and ready to kick him in the teeth to redeem a generation of waiting kiddos in Texas! 
  19. It took Caleb 40 years to see his promised land from the time he stood in faith and said that they could take down the enemy that the other spies said would never be defeated! FORTY YEARS! I guess I shouldn't be whining about 83 days! #perspective
  20. Obedience to God does not always end in nice happy endings. Really, the Bible doesn't teach that. But somewhere in American Christianity that has become an expectation. But what obedience does is allow you to see God work in your life and teach you knew facets of His character as you experience them instead of just reading about them in the lives of other people! 
  21. God's provision is limitless. Financially, emotionally, physically...there is so much that I can look at over this process and KNOW that while it has been the most trying thing I have done, God never left us, but provide again and again to give encouragement and the ability to keep walking in the direction He told us to go! 
  22. Finally, I have learned that I want to always choose obedience over safety. I can't say that in the really hard days! But on a day like today where I have had rest and am sitting at my mom's house where it is quiet with my coffee in my Christmas mug, I can say that the lessons learned and the ability to see new facets of God's character are worth the struggles! And just like Him, he reminded me this weekend two different times that despite what we have been through, if I will cling to Him, He will bring me through! I had seriously felt like I had lost all my joy. I wasn't sure I would get it back. The last 83 days have taken everything I have on all levels. The enemy has lied and tried daily to steal, kill and destroy all the promises God has given about the move. While I have known I made it through (really, what choice did I have), I felt like I would never be the same! But this weekend I had a stranger tell she loved how positive and happy I am. Then a friend I ran into that I had not seen in probably 10 years said, "You look exactly the same! You still have your sparkle in your eye!" Neither one of these people knew I feared that my sparkle and my joy were gone forever, but God knew! And he used the words of these two to encourage me and silence the lies of the enemy! Oh how I love Him! 
So that's it in a nutshell! There really is so much more! But I have to get my suitcases packed to head home! You know I have made a comitment to be transparent on here. So in keeping with that commitment, I will share that as I woke up this morning, anxiety and the overhelming fear of returning home stated to take over. I am one of those that becomes paralyzed when I am overwhelmed. It is a weapon the enemy has used all of my life! But I refuse to let him win today. So if I come to mind, I would love your prayers for those feelings to bow a knee and alow me to hit the floor running when I get home! Love on my kids and then unpack a few boxes! Thank you all for taking this journey with me! It has been amazing to hear your stories and know that sharing some of mine has encouraged you in yours as you have in mine! 

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

The Next Faith Journey: We could use your prayers....

So this is a picture of the room we are sleeping in now!

That's 5 beds you see with two more out of view....with two more that will move in tomorrow when the demo starts upstairs. We are two weeks into this "adventure" and to say that everyone's patience is running thin would be an understatement. We had some pretty significant tension this evening. Our kids really have been troopers...but everyone has their limits and we all feel like we are reaching ours.

So if we come to mind, we could use your prayers! John and I need wisdom on how to handle the next two or three weeks as the remodel completes. After tomorrow there is a good chance that we will not have a working bathroom in the house. We have a couple of options of places to stay that have been graciously offered to us. We just need to know the best way to make this work with us all intact in the end! 

I have done a lot of talking with different members of my family today about how hard this has been and how none of us wanted it like this. John and I have explained to our older kids again that our plan was to never live in the house in this condition, but circumstances were beyond our control. I am sure this is building character in them...and us...but some days you just don't want any more character, you simply want comfort, peace and a clean floor! That's kind of where we are all at today.

Yet even this evening as it was clear the enemy was ramping up his game on my family, I was reminded of a verse in Joshua that I have been studying. It's right before they are about to cross the Jordan in to the Promised Land. Joshua tells the tribes to prepare themselves because "tomorrow God will do wonders among you!" I don't know why we had to walk this path this way! Did John and I panic and make some decisions we didn't really pray through? Possibly! Did we do exactly what we needed to and God is just building character? Possibly! No matter the why, I know the enemy wants to use it to keep me out of my promised land, to keep my husband out of his promised land, and my kids out of their promised land! I know the enemy is stepping up his game as fatigue and weariness settle in. But I am not giving up! I am preparing myself and covering my family in prayer because I truly do believe that through this, God is going to do wonders! Wonders in, around and through us! Right now, the weariness is heavy...and three of the babies and me have some kind of upper respiratory thing going on, so we do covet your prayers for stamina and health as well as clear and precise plans for the coming week...and prayers for our contractors to have easy processes with no surprises and speedy work!  

Even as I type this I am reminded that tomorrow God will do wonders because it is closing day!! One closes at 8:15, and the other at 3:30! Thank you all for joining us on this journey! I have loved your comments and the messages you have shared with me through this process. So many in the Body are on journeys of faith! It's an exciting time to be alive! 

.....but for now, sleep! Good night!