This will keep you awake all night!

A couple of days ago, out of the blue, we got another e-mail from Sierra Leone with pictures of our beautiful Eden! The man who I met when I was in SL (whom I will refer to as "S") graciously checks on her for me. I had asked about her schooling as we have always known the least we could so is make sure she gets an education.

Well, we got new pictures, but the e-mail said some things that have haunted me. As much as I try to tell myself there is nothing I can do and it is not my issue anymore, I didn't sleep at all last night. "S" said that when he took Eden the picture of our familiy I had sent her that she "bost to her grand mother and father that she has a family in America so she will be there soon even her father was suprise to hear that". But that is not all! For thos who walked that journey with us, you remember that Eden bonded immediatly! When she would see me, she would break free of whoever had her and run to me! She wanted me over anyone from SL! The other two children being adopted never really bonded that way. But Eden was fully bonded....having to be ripped off my neck for me to board the helicopter to leave, a scene that will never leave my mind or my ears! But she was only 4, so I tell myself that she doesn't remember that. She was too young to understand, and doesn't remember any of it. WRONG! "S" said "[she]can remember almost everything that went [on] during the [time] when [we all] were in 'M' she explain[ed] [it] and even when she saw your picture she could remember you and ask me about the others [my current children] i could not explain to her. she also recall when you went to see the grave of her twin partner [Addy] she could explain to me [what happened]" I cried like a baby! She was standing there watching me as was her whole family! It was like losing Addy all over again!

Now I feel like I am losing Eden all over again. My dear friend is headed home from SL this evening with her two precious children! I am so excited for her, yet it rips open old wounds on my heart. Why God, why couldn't Eden have come home then?

I really dismissed all this and told myslef that it was a closed door and even if it opens again, doesn't mean that we need to walk through it. I mean, we have four children already! If we were to have more, I want to get pregnant, or if we are to adopt, I want to adopt a baby domestically! Do you hear all those "I's"? I do! :) Well last night as I lay in bed begging God to take it all away and let me sleep, Noah's sweet prayer to accept Jesus into his life came into my head. Then a voice that said, is Eden's eternal life worth whatever it would take to bring her home? Is an earthly education really what you know she needs? If she remains where she is, will she know God? Will she know Jesus died for her? And isn't that THE most improtant part of adoption among Chrsitian families? When I get to heaven, am I going to see her there, or will she be on the other side looking at me with those beautiful black eyes asking me why I didn't come back and tell her the Truth? Oh my goodness! Do you ever wish you could just turn your brain off?? What do I say all the time about people who just want to "throw money" at the problem? I say they are not laying down their lives for the children. So is God calling me to once again lay down my life for Eden? And now that would mean laying down the lives of 5 other people in one way or the other. I was talking to Callie about Eden, and she asked if we were going to go get her. I told her I didn't know. I asked her what if we do this all again and she still doesn't come home? This was her answer, "Then it would all be worth it wouldn't it?" It's never fun to be put in your place by an 8 year old!


So there it is. The reason I couldn't sleep last night. I haven't even shared all this with John yet. He has no desire to jump on that roller coaster again. Frankly, neither do I! But I wonder if God hasn't already bought our ticket to the ride and is just waiting for us to get on board! Pray for us! We need it!