We are reading through Proverbs as a church. Part of the reading today was Proverbs 27:9, "Oil and perfume make the heart glad, so a mans' counsel is sweet to his friend." I am a margin writer! I have writing all in my Bible! In fact I bought a wide margin Bible to make sure I would have room for all my thoughts! It is just how I process....but sometimes those notes bring pain. Like this morning. Beside this verse about sweet counsel of a friend, I have written, "Makes me think of _____." That blank is filled with the name of a friend who was my mentor and spiritual mentor for four years. Her friendship and advice in my life was vital to the growth I received during that time. She kept my feet to the fire and wouldn't let me stray from the narrow path. I have many times credited her with saving my marriage because no excuse was good enough to quit working on my marriage! And I will forever be grateful for the role she played in that part of my life.
But one day this friend betrayed my confidence in a BIG way. I was shocked. There are people you think will never hurt you in that way. She was one of those people. Her reason for betraying it was to "protect" a pastor...nothing like being thrown under the bus to protect the one who is supposed to be "shepherding" ie: protecting you!
But the betrayal of trust isn't even the deepest wound. As a person who used to have NO mercy or grace for things like this, I extended incredible grace and mercy to this friend. I couldn't trust her anymore with my deepest darkest secrets as I had in the past, but I told her that one mistake didn't erase the years of knowing that she is a Godly woman with incredible wisdom! I wanted to maintain a friendship with her....it would look different, but she had meant so much to me for so long, I was not willing to walk away from it all together.
She obviously felt differently as I have only received a couple of e-mails from her since that time and the last one I sent to her went unanswered.
As we have moved to a new church and are healing from the wounds of the past, I am finding it harder than I thought. I have always been one to seek out relationships and build friendships. But after going through what we did at our old church coupled with coming out of a very dark time in my life, I am finding it hard to take the steps necessary for friendships. I dread being somewhere that I know will require talking to people..sharing my story. As I told one friend, after 35 years, my story is really long! I don't want to have to explain to any more people why I am where I am! I don't want to have to fill them in on the events of the past several years that have brought growth and left scars. Because what if I do share all that, and then they share with someone else. ...or worse, I share all that and then they walk away!
If you keep reading in Proverbs 27, verse 17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, so does one man sharpen another." And that is why I know no matter how much it hurts, no matter how uncomfortable or how much resistance I feel, I must build relationships!
We were not made to walk this Christian journey alone! That is why God calls us to fellowship! We need those around us who can be Jesus with skin on! We need people to carry us when we can't take another step. That is probably the part that scares me the most! I have just come out of a time where I couldn't hardly carry myself much less anyone else! The thought of failing anyone else the way I have failed many friends through this time hurts my heart. But the enemy would like nothing more than to keep me in isolation....to believe those thoughts of, "It's better just to be alone...then no one expects anything of you and you don't have to share your story with anyone." If I am alone, just like a deer falling to the back of the group, I am easier to attack and take down.
So with that knowledge, I press forward! God has put some amazing people in John and my life. People who just seem like friends from the start..natural relationships that don't really have to be "worked at". They haven't all gone beyond surface yet, but they will. God has placed us in an amazing Body of His that shares our heart for people and wants to further God's kingdom. It is not perfect since it is made up of people like me. But it is perfect for us and I look forward to new friends who can walk this journey with me and I with them!
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2 comments:
I hear you and agree totally! Hang in there, which I know you will!
With a pretty complicated story behind us as well, I completely understand how hard it is to meet new people and figure out what to share, what not to share, etc. I've found that what worked for me was to come up with a very simplified version with the basics of how we got where we are. I only share the real story with people I become close to - after meeting them several times and feeling that they are the type of person that I can talk to. It took me a long time to realize that it was okay to only share what I wanted to share and skip over the harder things if I don't want to talk about them. Just like our kids' adoption stories are theirs to tell when they're ready, I am now giving myself permission to only share my story when I'm ready too. It's very freeing and has made it much easier to get to know people at our new church.
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