What if he sank?

Do you ever wonder what would have happened if some of the Bible stories we read turned out differently? I have a lot here lately! We all know the story of Peter and how he walked on the water. If not, here it is!

Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, but the boat was already a considerable distance[a] from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."

But what if the story was written differently? What if Peter sank the moment he stepped out of the boat? What if he never walked on water? Yes, Peter did sink eventually when he let the water and wind scare him - and Jesus corrects him saying he had little faith and asking why he doubted? What would Jesus have said to him if he sank the moment he got out of the boat? What would the moral of the story be then?

I know I will probably get blasted for this post because I usually do when I am as transparent as I am going to be right now. You see, if my "walks of faith" were recorded in the Bible like Peters, then the moment I stepped out in faith would be a sinking moment. Walking on the water rarely happens for me. When God says, "Come to me and come in faith forgetting the storm around you;" I usually sink with the first step! I know He told me to come! I know I walked in all the faith I as a human at this point could muster, and I learned a lot in the step and the wet of the water, but I want to walk on the water to SEE the miracle - to SEE my faith become sight before sinking and getting wet! It has left me questioning faith, questioning trust, questioning God and the directions I have received from Him in the past and where He is leading me now. I am in a hard place.

I know the Truths...I know what the Bible says! I know unbelief is the biggest obstacle to most Christians living the abundant life, and I am no different! I am wrestling with God. I am sure I will come away with a limp...or a missing limb or two...but I believe God is big enough to handle my questions! I believe He would rather me wrestle with Him and ask these questions that to just stick my head in the sand and pretend like I know all the answers and none of the hard stuff bothers me.

My prayer these days is simple....God, show yourself to me! Not in the little ways you do everyday, I know He is here, but in a HUGE - this can ONLY be God way! I just need to know He is real and that He loves me the way He says He does. Should he have to do this? NO! He already did it when He went to the cross, I know that! I know I deserve death, but I have life instead. But despite that, I am struggling with trust - with belief - with faith. I think this struggle is healthy! I am wrestling through it to come out stronger on the other side. It is different than my struggles in the past - it is making me dig deeper - it is stretching me like I have never been stretched. It is taking every once of my being not to believe the lies that are hurled out me moment by moment - the ones that are reinforced by almost every circumstance in my life right now - but are in total contradiction to the Word!

So I pray on my armor every morning and usually feel it falling off by the time I leave the room I am studying in...I find myself just standing in one place saying, "Jesus!" over and over again as I know that is the only name that will silence the voices and bring the peace that passed all understanding.

Jesus, if it is you, tell me to come to you and don't let me sink! And forgive me for my unbelief even before I have stepped out of the boat!

The Journey: Foster Due Date

I was talking to another foster parent the other day, and she asked, "when's your next court date?" I had to smile because I realized how often I ask and am asked that these days! That is usually the first question I ask a fellow foster parent if I know they are fostering to adopt. And it is usually the first question we are asked by people who know the process of foster to adopt. So it hit me that this is the "when are you due" question for foster parents! When you see a friend who is pregnant, or find out a friend is pregnant, you usually ask, "When are you due?" But for foster parents, that question is "when is your court date?" because that court date is what determines if that precious child gets to be in your family forever or will be moved or returned to their biological family. Just an interesting parallel I drew as we continue to walk this new journey of fostering!

The Journey: Time with the family

So today we spent a couple of hours with the family - Baby Girl's maternal grandmother and half-siblings. It is all just so surreal. I have never been a cheerleader for open-adoption, and still am not really, just one more way I am politically incorrect in the adoption world. However, I am enjoying seeing where this relationship with Baby Girl's family goes. The grandmother respects boundaries, in fact, we haven't really had to put any up because she is very guarded about being intrusive. We text off and on to update her on Baby Girl's progress, and I e-mail her pictures every now and then.

It has put me in a position I never really wanted to be in, but at the same time am enjoying. God, once again, is stretching me, and this time, it is pretty enjoyable! From some of the questions Noah asks, I feel having a relationship with Baby Girl's biological half-siblings will be beneficial. We will have answers for her that we don't have for Noah. We have told Baby Girl's Grandmother from the beginning that we want to maintain contact with her and the children. We will let Baby Girl dictate what the "contact" looks like. If at anytime when she is older, it becomes confusing or she asks to not be involved with the biological family, we will honor that. It is unfamiliar ground...quite unnatural territory as you look at children who look just like the mother of the baby you hold and care for and wonder if she will look just like them? You know the pain some of those children have been through in years past, and you pray that the baby you love as your own for today will never have to face those same pains.

Not really sure what emotions are going through me right now...not really sure what to do with what emotions I have. This is all unfamiliar, unnatural and unreal! I feel like I am on the outside looking in so many times as I have always said I wanted to foster, but just couldn't do it because I couldn't let go. Some days, I stare at the chunky cheeks creased in a smile at me and wonder how I got here! How did I end up with this precious baby girl sitting in my lap staring up at me with such trusting eyes? Will I ever have to let those eyes go? Will I ever have to tell her good-bye? If I do, will I survive? Well, the answer to that is "yes", but sometimes it feels like it would be "NO!"

As I struggle through the emotions sometimes, God gently reminds me of something He gave me several weeks ago when I was talking to a friend about fostering. I realized as I talked about my fears of letting Baby Girl go, and God quietly spoke, "You are only promised today with all of your children. I have not promised you tomorrow with any of them." As I hear those words, Addy's sweet face, the one from the only picture we have of her, crept into my mind! The sound of Eden screaming as she was ripped from my came flooding through my ears - and I knew He spoke Truth. Today is all I am promised with any of my children! I don't love my other four children less because there is a chance they will not be here tomorrow. Why would I love her any less either? So my saying now is that we love Baby Girl for today because for today, she is ours! Tomorrow will come and then it will be today, and if we have her, we will love her....just as I do all my children!

And so The Journey continues....

You asked for it...

You asked for it, so here it comes! I have had many people over the past 10 years tell me I should write a book. I kind of laugh it off. But when I retold the story of Eden on Ava's birthday, there were three or four people who again, said, "You should write a book!" After the second person, with each person that said it, the Little Voice that often whispers in my ear said, "They are right, you should write a book." Since I have purposed to listen to that Little Voice more in my life, I am now writing a book! So those of you who have ever said, "You should write a book," need to know that when it is published, you WILL be purchasing one! Hee! Hee! That way I know I will sale at least 10 or so!

John has brought me on his business trip, and God was clear that this was the perfect time to start the book...and really, for the first time, He has given me a clear picture of what to call it and what it is to be about....most definitely NOT about me! But about how HE has worked in my life and called me to the things in my life for HIS purposes. So I am sitting in our hotel room while John is at his conference, overlooking the ocean and boardwalk (pretty close to heaven I think) with no children, sitting at table with my word processor open and ready to type....so here it goes! I'm writing a book!

Girls are so much fun!

Anyone will tell you that I love my boys! I LOVE the mother/son connection. There is nothing sweeter than one of my boys coming up out of the blue for a hug or kiss or crawling in my lap to watch tv or just to chat! For some reason that is just a unique feeling with my boys...love it when my girls do it too, but my love to see that tenderness in my boys!

But baby girls are just about the most fun I think I can have in life! I know, I probably need to get a life if that is true.....we will talk about that in about 19 years! LOL!

I have had so much fun with Baby Girl! Actually we all have! Callie and I have some tifts about who gets to dress her...well, usually if Callie is willing to get her ready, I'm game with whatever she puts her in unless I already had a specific outfit in mind. Callie is a HUGE help with Baby Girl! I realize more and more how much you have to work as a team the larger your family becomes!


So here are some fun pics of Baby Girl over the past couple of weeks. Pink, bows, watermelons, crowns, we do it all!

Still here...

Haven't posted in a while...have lots to post...just not much time or not much energy or not much to share on a public forum or not sure my thoughts would make sense to the world our there...much like this sentence! Ha!

We are enjoying the summer and I am ready for the kids to be out of school! I am looking forward to a fun filled summer reconnecting again as a family as we have let too much get in the way of our family this year! With the addition of Baby Girl, we need to get back to some family time routines!

I was going through pictures, and I have so many to post....maybe I will get a couple up here in a bit....just wanted to let everyone know I'm still around! :)