What if he sank?

Do you ever wonder what would have happened if some of the Bible stories we read turned out differently? I have a lot here lately! We all know the story of Peter and how he walked on the water. If not, here it is!

Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, but the boat was already a considerable distance[a] from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."

But what if the story was written differently? What if Peter sank the moment he stepped out of the boat? What if he never walked on water? Yes, Peter did sink eventually when he let the water and wind scare him - and Jesus corrects him saying he had little faith and asking why he doubted? What would Jesus have said to him if he sank the moment he got out of the boat? What would the moral of the story be then?

I know I will probably get blasted for this post because I usually do when I am as transparent as I am going to be right now. You see, if my "walks of faith" were recorded in the Bible like Peters, then the moment I stepped out in faith would be a sinking moment. Walking on the water rarely happens for me. When God says, "Come to me and come in faith forgetting the storm around you;" I usually sink with the first step! I know He told me to come! I know I walked in all the faith I as a human at this point could muster, and I learned a lot in the step and the wet of the water, but I want to walk on the water to SEE the miracle - to SEE my faith become sight before sinking and getting wet! It has left me questioning faith, questioning trust, questioning God and the directions I have received from Him in the past and where He is leading me now. I am in a hard place.

I know the Truths...I know what the Bible says! I know unbelief is the biggest obstacle to most Christians living the abundant life, and I am no different! I am wrestling with God. I am sure I will come away with a limp...or a missing limb or two...but I believe God is big enough to handle my questions! I believe He would rather me wrestle with Him and ask these questions that to just stick my head in the sand and pretend like I know all the answers and none of the hard stuff bothers me.

My prayer these days is simple....God, show yourself to me! Not in the little ways you do everyday, I know He is here, but in a HUGE - this can ONLY be God way! I just need to know He is real and that He loves me the way He says He does. Should he have to do this? NO! He already did it when He went to the cross, I know that! I know I deserve death, but I have life instead. But despite that, I am struggling with trust - with belief - with faith. I think this struggle is healthy! I am wrestling through it to come out stronger on the other side. It is different than my struggles in the past - it is making me dig deeper - it is stretching me like I have never been stretched. It is taking every once of my being not to believe the lies that are hurled out me moment by moment - the ones that are reinforced by almost every circumstance in my life right now - but are in total contradiction to the Word!

So I pray on my armor every morning and usually feel it falling off by the time I leave the room I am studying in...I find myself just standing in one place saying, "Jesus!" over and over again as I know that is the only name that will silence the voices and bring the peace that passed all understanding.

Jesus, if it is you, tell me to come to you and don't let me sink! And forgive me for my unbelief even before I have stepped out of the boat!