Double Whamy!

When God moves, He moves! I have been talking about a journey John and I have been on. After telling our families, I can share it with all of you! God placed a 15 year old girl who is relinquished and ready for adoption, but remains in the foster system because there was no family on our hearts! Callie found her! Callie fell in love with her. Callie is 10. She doesn't make the decisions for our family, but part of this journey has been God showing me that when He says come to him as a little child, He means it. Callie didn't analyze bringing a 15 year old into our home like John and I did. She just knew a girl needed a familyand she wanted a big sister and therefore it made sense that we provide this child a family. God has showed me that the unquestioning love that Callie looked at this situation with with are the same eyes He wants me to look at this with....and trust! Trust Him!



Long story short (althought this process has FLOWN compared to most matched adoptions), John and I will go to where Princess M lives on Nov 19 to meet her. We will spend the night and Satuday with her. Then we will go get her on Tuesday and bring her back home with us to spend Thanksgiving week! If she thinks she can handle our crazy family, then she will come to live with us as a part of our family sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas.



Although, as you know from my previous posts, I have had some struggles in this journey, I can say without a doubt that I know 100% that this is God's plan! And more than that, I am sooooo excited! God has spoken to me directly and given tangible, real life wisdom through this process like none before.



To say that I have no fears or concerns about parenting a 15 year old whom I will meet for the first time in three weeks would be a lie. But with each fear comes a new opportunity to trust God! And the fact of the matter is, Princess M is worth it! She is worth whatever trials we have in order to make her a part of our family! God has redeemed her situation and we are just the ones who are blessed to be the agents by which He is doing it!



But that is NOT all! I said when God move, He moves!



I went to the doctor this week because many of my symptoms from before that had me run many tests were back with a vengance. The fatigue and foggy thinking were worse and were interfering with life. Well, turns out here is a really good reason for them this time!

Yep! I'm pregnant! Just to save you the questions: NO!!!!! We were NOT trying! Yes, I was on birth control! This just confirms my belief that GOD and ONLY GOD ordains life! He says when it will be breathed into being! No pill or or any other "thing" will stop God when He wants a life to begin. I know that is a huge controversy, and I don't mean to stir it up here, but I LOVE that this life was planned and ordained by GOD and we can honestly way we had nothing to do with it...well, almost nothing! ;-)

Exciting times at the P-trees! Trusting God to take care of all He has called us to do! He is definitly stretching us, BUT he has already provided in miraculous ways just this weekend! So blessed to serve such a faithful and loving God!

God speaks, are we listening?

This past week has been a difficult and challenging one! Despite the much needed vacation the first part of the week! John and I were able to go on a retreat for his work without children for three days. It was a much needed mini-vacation!



We are still walking out this journey that I have been talking about. I get resolved that we are to continue, I even get excited about parts of it. Then something happens. My eyes look down - I lose focus of the Author and Perfecter of my faith - and I get scared! All the fears and doubts rush in and I become a basket case. All peace leaves. I stomp my foot on the ground and scream, "I'm not going to do it! I am not going to take on this task that has the potential to destroy me, my marriage, my family, etc, etc." (By the way, I don't really recommend stomping your foot at God and telling Him no! However, I do know that my God is big enough to handle it and likes it when I am real with Him...then He can deal with me!)



My struggle is internal. We had an AMAZING discussion last night at our small group about trust. We are doing a wonderful study at our church on trust. I will post the link for the pod casts. I highly recommend them if you want to go further with God. If you don't, then don't listen to them! There really should be a warning on them that says, "Warning: Will most likely rock your world if you listen and obey!"



Even though my struggle is internal, over the past week, I have externalized it. Let me explain. When something happened in my physical world that fed my doubts and fears, I would lash out at that thing/person. I will be apologizing to my family this evening for many times this past week that I was not kind! I am struggling with physical fatigue right now in a new and very frustrating way! How in the world will I do this thing God says to do when I am so tired now that I don't get the tasks completed that I need to today? He wants me to do more?!



Yes! He does! I realized in our small group discussion that this is once again a trust issue with me and God. I have been looking at it as I don't have the faith. We talked last night about the difference between faith and trust. We talked about that faith is the belief (Heb 11:1), but trust is the walking out of that belief! I prayed early on in this journey for God, the Author and Perfecter of my faith, to do some writing because I didn't have the faith to walk this road. He answered that prayer. He gave me the faith. So I said yes, and we continued. However, with each step in faith, I must trust more! There in lies the problem with externalizing my struggle! If I struggle with the people in my life feeling like they don't support me, then I am "trusting" in them to make this thing happen or work. If I struggle with the fatigue and how I will accomplish all that it will require, then I am trusting in my own physical strength. These are all misplaced trusts! God is calling me to trust Him and Him alone!



I thought I was past my trust issues. And I am...in some areas! Now God is stretching me further. He is asking me to trust Him even more! He is asking me to not look at circumstances, to not look at people, to not even look at myself except that I have willing heart, but to look at Him! To keep my eyes on the prize! Why is that so hard?!



Hebrews 11 has long been one of my favorite chapters in the Bible. God took me there this morning and then to chapter 12. I have thrown a fleece for this thing he has asked us to do. I have never thrown out a fleece in my life, but I felt I needed that much of a tangible to move on in this...when Gideon threw a fleece in Judges 6, it was because he lacked faith to believe what God was telling him. That was exactly where I was with God. God answered with affirmation that we were to move forward. So my faith was increased. I thought I was home free!



But as the day of fulfillment of this calling comes close and closer, I find it harder and harder to keep walking. That frustrates me with myself! But God is so gracious! I have prayed many times for him to confirm for me that his is what He wants us to do. Even after He answered the fleece throw! (Not exactly sure that is the right lingo for that!). But again this morning, my Heavenly Father, Abba, who loves me enough to take me to His word and confirm again this call He has given us, has greatly encouraged me. It is a crucial reminder that throughout this journey, I must keep my eyes on Him! I am so thankful that I serve a God who never gets tired of me asking for His confirmation as I take each step of this journey!



So for those reading this who wonder what in the world I mean when I say, "God speaks?" Let me explain with practical application to my conversation with God this morning.



I started by asking Him to encourage me in the walk before me today. I asked Him to confirm for me that the direction we are walking is His path. Then I started my Bible study that we are doing. This week it is on discipline, so there were a lot of references to Hebrews 12. After I finished the study, I felt I needed more of God's Word this morning...just Him...not a study that talked about the Word, but The Word itself speaking into me. So I went to Hebrews. I started in 11 because as I stated earlier, that has long been one of if not the favorite chapter!



As I read verse 6 - and without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder for hose who seek Him - God said, Stop. Listen. There was a stirring in my spirit as I read those words. I started thinking about the last part and realized that my old doubts about God's goodness that stem from Eden not coming home and a few other situations that made me doubt God's goodness have resurfaced and the enemy is using those to make me doubt this path God has me on. The enemy is sneaky! He gets in your head and places little bits of truth. Like - "yeah, God will walk with you, but will He make it easy?" And - "if it is too much, you can just tell God no - His grace will cover that". There are bits of truth in each of those statements, but there is also a big twist on that truth. As I read Hebrews 11:6, The Holy Spirit wrote it on my heart. He gave me peace as I read that God does reward those who seek Him. If I say yes, there will be a reward! That reward may not be here on earth, but there IS a reward! Get behind me satan!!!! One for the Heavenly Team!



Encouraged, I continue reading. As I read verses 15 & 16, again, I feel the Holy Spirit fill me with peace and a little bit of rebuke, so I stop. "And indeed if they had been thinking of that country from which they went out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God; for He has prepared a city for them." A question pops into my head - "are you looking back at the "city" you came from where you were enslaved to fear and doubts and mistrust of God? Don't you want to go to the city God has prepared for you - a better country?!" I had to answer, YES! But God didn't stop there! This is what makes me know that I know God is real! Words that were written 2000 years ago can speak to exactly where I am today! Out of all the pages and words in the Bible, God brought me right here, TODAY! As I asked for encouragement and confirmation! Only a Supernatural God could answer that request - maybe chance could make it happen once or twice in a lifetime, but this happens day after day after day as I spend time with God and dig into His word! I get to Hebrews 12:25 - See to it that you do not refuse Him who is speaking. - Doesn't get any plainer than that folks! I often say that I just wish God would send me a text or e-mail! Well, I think He did today! The text came via the service provider called The Holy Spirit and my "phone" was my Bible! It was as plain as if it were those letters were rolling across my phone screen! But He didn't' stop there! God knows I'm dense! He was going to make sure I didn't miss the point this morning! I finished out Hebrews and read chapter 13.



I have mentioned before in my posts about this path we are on right now that I have never felt more ill-equipped for anything He has called us to. I never felt equipped for the agency, but this is even bigger. The consequences of faliure far greater and much more personal. But once again, that is a trust issue...trusting in myself and not God. But does God get mad that I am not trusting? Not my loving Abba! Instead, he sent me another "text"! (Pun intended!) Hebrews 13:20-21 ~ "Now the God of Peace, who brought up from the dead the great Shepherd of the sheep through the blood of the eternal covenant, even Jesus our Lord, equip you in every good thing to do His will, working in us that which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ..." Oh how I love God's word and the fact that the Holy Spirit resides in me to teach me truth! God will equip me! I don't have to be equipped right now! The God of peace will equip me...I can rest in peace in that! The same God whose power raised Jesus from the dead will equip me! If he can raise the dead, is there anything could happen on this earth that He could not handle and help me get through? NO!!!! I will daily fight the battle in my mind that tells me I can't do this - You have said I can through You! I will daily battle the thoughts that satan places that make me doubt God's goodness in this situation. I will hourly defeat the fear that rises up in me as I think of the practical day to day life this new path will put us on! How will I do that? By hiding these Words He has given me in my heart! By telling myself over and over that He will equip me! He told me so (Heb 13:20)! By telling satan I will not go back to the city from which I came that was filled with doubt and fear and mistrust! I will press forward to the new county that God has for me - the one flowing with milk and honey - and I will trust Him to take me there no matter who or what circumstances threaten to block my path (Heb 11:15-16)! I will not walk in a way that makes God ashamed, but instead, I will walk the path that makes God look at Jesus, jab him in the side with His Holy elbow and say, "That's my daughter!" as he grins from ear to ear!

Praise You, Father! How I love you! Let's get to walking!

One More Step

Yesterday we took one more step in the journey John and I are on that is stretching us beyond where we've ever been. I talked a little about it here. Yesterday we got more information about the journey. But here is the thing about "information". It is circumstantial, meaning, it is what we can see with our eyes, aka sight. Remember that little verse that we like to throw around: walk by faith and not by sight. So gathering information sometimes seems futile to me. This is one of those times. I knew before we started the gathering that no matter what we found, God has already said to leap! Gathering the information only brought on a huge desire to walk in the flesh and not in the Spirit and ruuuuuunnnnnnnn the other way! I wish I could say I am mature enough to just rest, trust. To gather the information and it not shake my foundation or my faith. I'm not.

At one point, after I battled flesh over several "circumstances", I could feel myself losing the battle. I could feel defeat creeping in. I could feel myself wanting to just throw my hands up and say, "Forget it! There are few if any people I could tell all this to who would give counsel to proceed given all the circumstances! Why am I doing this?!" All the voices of well-meaning Christians were speaking in my ear: "you guys just love stress", "you must be avoiding real issues because you keep turning your life upside down with big things." Of course! That's it! Satan is trying to destroy us by tempting us to do this crazy thing! Let's stop now and pretend the past few weeks and events leading up to this little journey N.E.V.E.R happened!

Whew! Off the hook!

Not so fast! Holy Spirit floods me with all the scripture that speaks to the contrary! What person would have given "Godly" counsel to Abraham to continue with his plan to hall his son up a mountain, tie him to an alter and stab him with a knife? Especially the son who was to be the first of all Abraham's decendants that will out number the stars! If he's dead, he's not likely to produce! Yet that is exactly what God told him to do and because Abraham obeyed God, God blessed him and grew Abraham.

How many people made fun of Noah for building a boat when it had never rained?

How many people who hadn't been visited by the angel truly believed that Mary was pregnant by God's hand?

I know this is one of those times that God is telling me that the world will not understand....and that includes many of my brothers and sisters in Christ because in America, we have watered down the gospel in order to justify our comfortable lives. God couldn't be calling us to something that might stress our marriage or jeopardize the football career my 9 year old has?! Show me in scripture where that holds water?! Yet, isn't that how we live most days?

Even this morning, as I wake up, I am battling flesh. On one hand, I have the butterflies as I stand on the edge and look over the cliff at the leap I am about to take! I can get excited about the free fall....but then my eyes focus on the bottom...WAY...DOWN....THERE!

Then my heart stops! Then I start telling God this can't be what He wants from me. All my shortcomings start flooding my mind! I have never felt more ill equipped for any task than the one God is calling us to right now. I am scared. I am afraid I am taking more than I can handle!

And God says, "Yes, you are! You will ONLY handle this if you trust Me and walk with Me and lean on Me!" But then as I pray and meditate on all that is before me, I realize it will take more than just trusting God! It will take obedience! It will take growth! It will take walking in truth in areas where I tend to walk in flesh, areas that have been struggles for years. It will take being less selfish than I am now. It will take being more humble than I am now.

Trusting God to catch me in order to take the leap is just the first step! I must walk in obedience every second I want to soar. Stepping outside obedience will have major consequences. Some could even cause me to actually hit the ground! Trusting God to leap off the edge is the first step! I must do as the Holy Spirit leads and allow Him to grow me every day of this journey! And that is even scarier than taking the leap!

We have been walking toward the cliff. We are one step closer to the edge....we are close enough to look out over the edge and see the bottom and all the jagged rocks on the way down....but God is still telling us we are to leap, to trust....just a few more steps to go then we will be free falling....stay tuned!

Was it really her?

I got a FB message yesterday.

It wasn't from an FB friend.

It was from someone who had found me.

It was from West Africa.

It was not from Liberia.

It was from Sierra Leone.

It said Eden was asking about me.

Really?

Is she really or are you just lying to me like so many from your land have done?

Did she really ask about me or are you scheming me?

If she really did, can I risk thinking she didn't?

If she really didn't, can I risk thinking she did?

Was in the car with John when I read it.

Asked what he thought.

He doubts it's her.

Wish I could leave it at that.

He asked what I thought.

What do I think?

I remember a little girl who bonded with her new mommy while the other two children who were with new mommies and daddies didn't bond at all.

I remember a little girl who broke loose from the man from her own country, the man who she knew well - she broke loose when she saw me from a distance and ran and jumped in my arms because I hadn't seen her since the night before.

I remember the little girl who was sick. Nearly a year to the day since we had buried her twin sister, Sweet Addy.

I remember that little girl not letting me put her down the last day I was with her.

She would go to no one else.

I remember the time came for me to board the helicopter.

I remember her not letting go.

I remember her starting to whimper.

I remember the whimper turning to a wail as they pried her fingers from the back of my neck.

I remember two hands with ten fingers spread wide reaching for me as I kissed her cheek and promised what I thought was a promise I would keep...I will be back in just a few days and we will go home together!

I remember running to the helicopter.

I remember looking through the tears to see hands still outstretched

I remember a mouth open in a scream, drowned by the whirl of the propellers.

I remember, does she really?

I responded.

I asked questions -

Questions to which I probably really don't want answers -

Questions whose answers I will really never know are true or more lies.

Was it really her? Is it God? He said she was coming home...that is why I fought. Of all that occurred over the course of that 2 year period, that is the remaining thing that haunts me.

I can see how Addy's death, all the heartache and bumps along the journey equipped and educated me to do what I did in Liberia -

But all that could have happened and produced the good God intended,

And she still could have come home.

But she didn't.

He said she would.

She didn't.

Will she?

Was it really her?

This Far

There seems to be a theme in my life, well I guess it should always be a them, so maybe a better thing to say is that God seems to be trying to teach me a truth about life in Him! I have said before that I know if I can do life on my own, I will. I hate that about my flesh, but I have seen me do it too many times to not recognize it.

People have asked so many times (and I have blogged about it previously) how I do what I do. It is ONLY through the power of Christ and the DAILY leaning on Him that I can parent six children, be wife to John and attempt to run a ministry. Anytime I get to a place that I feel like, "I can do this!", God says, "I know YOU can, so let's take another step of faith. I need you to TRUST ME, not do anything in your own strength!" John and I are at one of those places right now. I am not ready to make public the decision we are wrestling with, but let me just say that to me, it looks impossible! I have no idea how we would ever accomplish it without scarificing too much! I am usually the one initiating the crazy ideas and telling everyone, "WE CAN DO THIS!" This time, I am the one digging my heels in and saying, "No way!" I even uttered the words to John, "Even if God says we are to do ______, I think I will have to tell Him no." Dangerous place to be! Not one of my prouder moments! But I am scared! But God does not give us a Spirit of fear! So fear is not from Him. So when fear rears its head, I have to take it captive and make it obedient to God's word!

So what's the theme? It's what I am studying in my current Bible Study, Anointed, Transformed, and Redeemed. It is that God wants me to go so far that I have to say, I am only here because of God! I could never have gotten "here" without Him. And more importantly, other people will see the situation and say the same thing!

I go to church yesterday pretty well resolved that I am telling God, No! on this one. In case you have never tried to tell God No!, let me just tell you, He doesn't take NO! for an answer! During worship we sung one of my favorite songs, I don't know the title, but it starts out Jesus, the Most Beautiful Names of All Names...and then it goes to "Be Exalted". I am raising my hands and singing with my whole heart, "Be Exalted!" and the Holy Spirit says, "Do you mean it?!" Of course I do! I have no greater desire than to see God be exalted in my life and the life of my family! That is truly my motivation for why I do what I do! And immediately, the Spirit rebuked me and reminded me of my answer the night before. So I sat down and got out a piece of paper and wrote down, "God cannot be exalted unless we say yes to the things He asks us to do that takes us beyond ourselves. Anything I can do in my own strength is not exalting God but possibly myself." Then I wrote out how that applied directly to the situation that John and I have been praying about.

Well, little did I know that this was just the beginning! I knew the title of the sermon, but it went in a direction that I had not seen from the title! It was on redemption....but it was on how we, the Body of Christ are in the redemption business because God is in the redemption business. Pastor Daniel brought one of the best, and possibly THE best message I have heard as it applies to the Body of Christ and our responsibilities as such. One of the points was that redemption is costly. It cost God His Son! So why am I not willing to pay whatever price I need to redeem the situations or people around me? That is, after all, how the world will see Jesus in the Body!

John was out of town, so I was there with all the kids. I didn't have any responsibilities second service, so I found a place to sit and wrote out some thoughts on what we have been praying about. I said, YES! I am still battling fear. I have NO IDEA how this will work, but I know it will take God! There are still some things that need to happen in order for this thing to be a reality, but I know I will not stop the ball from rolling myself. If God doesn't want this thing to come to fruition, He will have to be the one to stop if. I am moving forward.

Even knowing that and having the revelation yesterday, I find myself this morning asking God for direction. I am sure He is slapping his head and saying, "Did I not give it to you yesterday?" Like I say to my kids so many times, "Were you not listening?!"

How many times does God give us answers, but because they are hard or maybe not what we want, we just keep asking for an answer? "That couldn't be you!" What do you REALLY want me to do here? Are we really willing to do what He says? That is the bottom line! Are we willing to pay the cost to see Him exalted and redeem those around us for the Kingdom? I want to be one who say, YES! to all of those!

Together For Adoption....Eden

I have now had two days of intense information and emotional overload! I'm pooped! But I am determined to get our domestic program off the ground so we can empty the foster system in Texas, and then the whole country of children waiting for permanent adoptive homes! So I am downstairs at my hotel, drinking coffee and writing policies. But in the interest of getting home tomorrow safely, without falling asleep at the wheel, I am wrapping it up and will head to bed.

Today was emotional on several levels. One really good thing was it is the first time I haven't come to one of these and felt like I need to do more! I am in a good place there. I feel like I am totally pouring myself out for orphan care. I am an adoptive mom, a foster mom, an agency director and I am working with my church to launch an orphan care and/or adoption ministry. I have some really good ideas to take back and start working with CPS and the judge to build relationships and make a difference in my community.

But there were two really big holes in my heart today.

First, as I walked around the exhibitors, my heart broke. There were sweet African faces everywhere! But as I looked at the information, I realized there was not a single organization supporting Liberia! In a group of amazing Christians working on the global orphan crisis, Liberia wasn't represented. Why? Because they won't let people help! At least not in large quantities. They will only let the people help who will play by their corrupt rules and their unhealthy games. Saddened me greatly as Liberia used to be the hot spot for Christian activity and aid in Africa. As I walked around there were many, many ministries and organizations helping the same African countries: Uganda, Ethiopia and Rwanda. You have to ask why? Well, because those countries are open to help and willing to work with organizations to receive that help! Liberia's loss....God bring down the leaders who have turned away the help! The people of Liberia want the help! Bring it back to them when these leaders have been humbled.

The other hole came out of nowhere! It was a shock to me. They showed an adoption video of the worship pastor. He adopted from Haiti and got his precious son the day of the earthquake when families had to sit and wait all night in the Haitian airport for ICE to clear them and give them their children to bring home. As he talked about that wait, my last moments with Eden flashed in my mind. While I think of her often (her pictures are all over our house), I don't think of that part often. Pain from a deep down place surfaced yet again. I don't guess I will ever completely heal from that. Much like a parent who has lost a child to death who has lived with them. And right after Eden, comes Addy! My two girls, my twinkling twins who I will never see together this side of heaven! My sweet girl who had to be ripped off my neck, the last image I have of her as she screamed and reached back for me as I ran to the helicopter. But even as the tears flowed, I rejoiced! Why? Because for the first time since I came home without my precious Eden, I could feel the pain but not be angry with God! Praise Him! I'm too tired to think of what all the really means right now, but I continued to worship and rejoice in the fact that I am at peace with God taking me through something so painful and am thankful for the growth it brought me in my calling but even more thankful for the growth it brought me in my spiritual life. I am thankful that I can rest in and rejoice in a sovereign God who took me on a journey that has led me to where I am now...and on top of it all, the mother of 6 kids!

As I stood with my hands raised singing my praises to my Abba, I realized for the first time, maybe ever, I trust! I trust my God with my life and even more importantly, with my heart! Hallelujah!