We are one week and 6 days into life without our oldest daughter. Honestly, I'm not sure even still what life should look like. John and I talked about it last night. We have to face the heart wrenching possibility that she will never reconcile to our family. We only had her a year and a half. She may decide to find her "family" somewhere else. Circumstances right now would say that is the case. Where she has chosen to place herself is a toxic environment - physically, emotionally and most of all spiritually. Family and friends ask us, "What now?"
God has given me Ephesians 6:13 twice in the last few days "and, having done all [the crisis demands], to stand [firmly in your place]." That's what now! We have just begun attending a new church - a post for a later time - and our new pastor's wife, Tonya, handed me a piece of paper with a couple of scriptures on it Sunday. This was one of them. And with it, she had written the Greek for withstand - "anthistemi - to cause to stand; suggests vigorously opposing, bravely resisting, standing face-to-face against an adversary, standing our ground...with the authority and spiritual weapons granted us we can withstand evil forces." That is what now! I will stand against the devil himself for my daughter! I will fight for her until my last breath! It's what a mother does!
Now before you put me on some sort of spiritual pedestal, understand that the last few days have not been all that great. In fact, last night, I lost it and sobbed shaking the bed enough to wake the dead - aka John when he sleeps! I haven't been able to spend as much time in the Word with school starting, so the lies of the enemy began creeping in. My thoughts wondered to places that had me focusing on circumstances and not Truth. I have had my moments of despair where I wondered if my heart could ever forgive someone who walked out on me and made the accusations she has made that caused us - and our other children - to walk through circumstances I would never in a million years have dreamed I would find myself. But as God tends to do in my mothering of all my children, He keeps bringing the correlation between my daughter and myself to my God and me.
I meet with an amazing woman of God each week. The Truth and wisdom she has been imparting to me over the last year is honestly the only reason I can stand under the weight of what is going on in my family right now at all. She has taught me the Truth of the Secret Place in Psalm 91 and of how we soar on wings like eagles without growing weary or fainting. She has taught me how to be hidden with Christ! I am so thankful. We started a new book this week. And it came with a disclaimer from Becky. She warned us that we are entering enemy territory because we are about to upset his apple-cart with what we will learn in this book. My answer....BRING IT ON!!!! I couldn't even get past the intro without having to stop and process. It is good stuff! And it has made me reflect on the past year and a half with Paizley.
The book is Shattering Your Strongholds by Liberty Savard. Here is one of the nuggets that got me to thinking: "The problem is this: even scripturally correct truth cannot always penetrate a soul that is filled with stronghold thinking....He does not change, bypass, or override our memories and beliefs; He just keeps offering His love and truth until we finally become willing to exchange our old beliefs and old ideas for them." Wow! I don't think I could sum up the past year and a half with any better words. In my weakness I take the rejection personally, but when I am standing in faith and trust in God, I see that this whole thing has little to do with me and a LOT to do with a battle over a soul!
God gave me some scriptures for Paizley over a year ago. If I reacted the way my old self would have - like my old self of about 10 months ago - I would be shaking my finger at God and asking why?! But I am walking in a new lever of trust, faith and understanding of the character of my God! I know that the path my daughter has chosen is not the path God would have chosen for her. Just like I walk on paths at times that God would not choose for me. The fact is, when we do that, we are outside God's perfect will. His Word is clear that He will not force Himself nor His will on anyone! We are free to choose! Liberty Savard says it this way, "This partial verse [1 John 3:8 The reason the Son of God was made manifest (visible) was to undo (destroy, loosen, and dissolve) the works the devil has done] tells us that the reason the Son of God appeared on Earth was to destroy the devil's works - to loosen and dissolve them - and He will provide what we need to do the same thing. This is God's will, but your will has to make a choice to call your life on Earth into alignment and agreement with God's will in Heaven. God will not force you to do so, but He will help you." (emphasis mine)
So many times Christians become disheartened, and I have done the same thing, because something God gave us to pray for didn't happen. For me, this has always in the past put me on a downward spiral to doubt and unbelief. But now I understand many times when the outcome is not favorable, it is because a free will was exerted. It is important of me, and I think all of us, to understand this so that I don't become disappointed or disheartened with God over the outcomes of circumstances and situations that involve humans!
Now, God doesn't teach me lessons like this to sit in judgement! He teaches me lessons like this to put the magnifying glass on myself! You don't watch a child walk away from your family without lots of self-reflection! At least, I don't see how you could. As I watch my daughter walk away, I am challenged to ask what I have walked away from? What has God wanted to teach me that I have turned a deaf ear and blind eye to? What plan has God had for me that I let circumstances or feelings dictate the path I took instead of standing on Truth!
There are a couple of circumstances in my life right now that are threatened by feelings and sight to cause me to give up. No one in their right mind would advise me to push forward if I laid out the pro/con list or spelled out the details. But here's the deal, when we live according to Biblical prinicples, we are not in our "right mind" - we are in the "Mind of Christ"! And that operates according to rules and order that we don't understand here on earth! Doubt me? Jesus was born to a virgin. Jesus raised Lazerath from the dead and then raised himself from the dead. Jesus fed 5,000+ with a few loaves and fish. When society gave up on a woman, he went to the well to meet her one-on-one and spoke life. Peter walked on water - at least until he took his eyes off Jesus. Jonah was swallowed by a big fish and spit back up. And I lived through a child walking out my door with my granddaughter!
So if you are facing a circumstance that seems insurmountable or God has called you to what appears to be the impossible, let me encourage you! Another scripture that has come up multiple times in different ways this week is Matthew 17 "Then the disciples came to Jesus and asked privately, Why could we not drive it out? 20 He said to them, Because of the littleness of your faith [that is, your lack of [h]firmly relying trust]. For truly I say to you, if you have faith [[i]that is living] like a grain of mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, Move from here to yonder place, and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you." NOTHING! That word does not leave room for argument - with faith, no thing is impossible for you! And when you've done all else, stand! Then watch the enemy run! James 4:7 I pray you see your mountain start to shake today as you stand in faith and say to it MOVE! I'm watching mine do the same!
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
The Aftermath
It's been a week and two days since she left. I have had to hold Ava twice while she cried because she misses her big sister and doesn't understand why she up and left without saying good bye. Last night during bedtime prayer she just out and says, "Mom, I have a broken heart." When I asked why, she answered, "Because Paizley left." I am not really sure what to do with my emotions at times like that. My own sadness wells up. Then its followed by anger that she would hurt the other children like that. Then it's followed by what John and I have decided is mourning. It is as if there has been a death in the family. We have to grieve what could have been. We grieve what we thought once was. We grieve the plans we had for her. We grieve not getting to know our grand daughter. But most of all we grieve that our daughter is walking outside the protection of God and know that is never a safe place.
I have never lost a loved one suddenly, but I have heard many say that the adrenaline gets you through the funeral. It is the days after everyone has gone back home and you go back to life without that loved one that it is the hardest. That describes this weekend. Just about all the kids had some kind of outburst that we could trace back to just dealing with the emotions of what has happened in our home.
Today is the start of a new school year. I guess there will be many days like today that are bitter sweet. I won't let the grief of one rob me of the joy of 6 others, but there will always be that little twinge of sadness over the missing one...until the day she returns home.
If you are praying for Paizley, we are praying specifically that her eyes be opened to Truth. That she can see with spiritual eyes the consequences of the decisions she is making. We are praying that she is keenly aware of God's presence in her life. Thanks for praying!
I have never lost a loved one suddenly, but I have heard many say that the adrenaline gets you through the funeral. It is the days after everyone has gone back home and you go back to life without that loved one that it is the hardest. That describes this weekend. Just about all the kids had some kind of outburst that we could trace back to just dealing with the emotions of what has happened in our home.
Today is the start of a new school year. I guess there will be many days like today that are bitter sweet. I won't let the grief of one rob me of the joy of 6 others, but there will always be that little twinge of sadness over the missing one...until the day she returns home.
If you are praying for Paizley, we are praying specifically that her eyes be opened to Truth. That she can see with spiritual eyes the consequences of the decisions she is making. We are praying that she is keenly aware of God's presence in her life. Thanks for praying!
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
The Journey: Some processing and a FAITHFUL God
Yesterday was quite the day. Spent all morning at the police station. When a situation is so bad that John considers getting politically involved to change the process, you KNOW it's serious! I want to change all injustice, so not such a big deal when I want to do that! Well, after dealing with the Midland Police Department for the last year, John wants to get politically active! You really can't make this stuff up - the stories we have about what the police have done and said! It's crazy!
I was able to see and talk to Paizley for the first time since she left. I assured her nothing she has done or can do will ever change the fact that she is my daughter. I was able to look her in the eyes and tell her that I still have hope! I was able to speak the truth of God for what could be one last time - even reminding her of the Words God has given her through other people as late as last Wednesday warning her about such a time as this. I was able to kiss Peighton. I cried. I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest or just explode all together as I watched my girls walk away. I cried out to God many times...right there in the detective's conference room..and out loud! I am not playing around with spiritual battles! I will take all that is mine through the authority I have in Christ. I will leave nothing on the battle field for lack of walking in authority. We had the favor of God in many instances. We walked into a very hostile environment and walked out with the detective sympathizing with us and even telling Paizley no one will ever care for her or love her like we do - adopted or not.
But probably the brightest moment of today actually happened Sunday, I just didn't understand the significance until yesterday. Sunday during church, one of our pastors stood up and talked about gifts and how we are called by God to use our gifts for His kingdom and purposes. I kind of dismissed it because I totally get that and believe I am in a place where I am truly doing that in work and am getting involved in church. But at some point during the talk, as clear as if God was sitting beside me, the Holy Spirit spoke. "The enemy will use what is happening to steal what you are doing with adoption and children in state custody. He will not prevail because I have uniquely designed and gifted you for exactly this work. Your experiences and knowledge in the things of this work are invaluable to what I want to do." When I heard it, I kind of was startled. When we have struggled with Paizley at times in the past, I have cried out to God asking how I could ever ask other families to adopt children from the foster system knowing what might be about to happen to their family. I have questioned if I really believe in what I am doing with the state adoption program. But the training I took in San Antonio - sitting with other professionals in this area - really solidified for me that I am doing exactly what I need to be doing. Because of my experience both professionally and personally, I can train and equip families for this process like few others who are doing it professionally can. And also, I have an amazing daughter who I still believe will go mighty things for the kingdom some day because of waiting child adoption from the state! So the thought that I would let even Paizley running away keep me from pursuing this work came as a shock to me. But I took what God said and started analyzing how I felt asking God to reveal any hidden regrets or fears or doubt I had that would cause him to encourage me in that way.
Sitting in the detective's office yesterday, we learned some things about the process because of Paizley's misrepresentation of us and the events that surrounded her leaving. The initial news of some of what will take place as the process plays out were potentially devastating and could have had me worrying about even being able to keep the agency open at all! The detective stepped out for a minute and John and I talked some about what had been said so far. I broke down. Fear started to creep up. Then God brought the words He had whispered into my ear on Sunday back to my remembrance, and I literally laughed out loud! My God, my Faithful Father had already spoken peace and encouragement and victory over a situation that He knew was about to happen and had the potential to shake me up. But because my hope is in Him, because He is my firm foundation, because He is my Deliverer and my Defender, I was not moved! Fear left. Worry stopped. Doubt fled. Peace flooded me.
See that is the faithful God I serve! My amazing spiritual mentor, Becky, often reminds us of a quote that one of her past pastors said, "You prepare for battle in times of peace so that in times of war you are prepared." God has been teaching me, equipping me, loving me, drawing me closer to Him over the past two 15 years, but in God boot camp for the past two. I am in His Word and alone with Him almost daily without fail. I have to be. He is literally my very breath most days.
But let me tell you, being equipped, gaining knowledge, just storing up arsenal of a spiritual fight is not my motivation for getting in the Word and spending time with God. He is my motivation! The more I learn about Him, the more time I spend with Him. It's just like friends we have in the natural. When you meet someone, you might not make time to go have coffee or lunch. But as you get to know someone and learn that when you are around them you feel alive and free for some reason. When you leave them you feel refreshed, encouraged. We all have friends like that, and when they call and say, "we need to do coffee", we find a time! It's the same with God. The more I get to know Him, the more I make time for Him because I want to know Him more! I want to know more about who He is, about how He operates, about what He wants for me.
We live in a society and a culture that can be scary. I know more than I ever wanted to know about a lot of our society and the true condition of what my children are growing up in over the past year. I realize now that I lived in a glass bubble concerning the world that we truly live in. Part of that is where we live. And part of it was just the mere fact that I don't have opportunity to get outside our little world much into the culture that exists outside my home and our church. But I have been thrown full force into it this year and much of it has even touched my very home through some decisions of my daughter. It's has never been normal at our house for police to show up on your door step at 10 at night! At times I have despaired over the condition of the world and wondered what my children will face. But the closer I have drawn to God, the more excited I get. You see the darker the world is, the brighter the light of Christ will shine! If you have a flashlight on in the middle of the day, it doesn't really do much. But you turn that same flashlight on at midnight, and you completely change your environment! It's midnight people! Our lights should be changing our environment!!!! What a blessed time we live in! What a time for God's people to offer hope to a country that needs it! Yes, my kids will have battles I never did, but God is also equipping them for the time they live in! My daughter sees angels - has seen them many times. She has spiritual awareness that I long for and has had since she could speak...and probably before, she just couldn't tell us! I can't wait to see the impact for the kingdom my children have on this dark world! I don't fear for them, I am excited for them! Side note - because of the world I know they will grow up in, I know I have a bigger responsibility than probably any generation before me to equip them with the Word and knowledge and wisdom of God's ways in order for them to fulfill their kingdom purpose - and if you are a Christian, you do to!
God took me to Haggai 2 about four months ago (you don't get to Haggai on accident!). It says this, "In a little while I will once more shake the heavens and the earth, the sea and the dry land.I will shake all nations." As Becky says, we are living in a time when everything that can be shaken is being and will be shaken so that those things which can't be shaken - the things of God - will remain! Praise God!
I have never been more excited to know my God and be a Christ follower! I know Him in a way I never have and I am madly in love! Yes, I am in what has probably been the most devastating circumstances of my life - I am walking out something that I could never fathom - and frankly even in the middle of it can't quite get my head around it if I try to really think about it. But here is the absolute truth, because I serve an all-powerful, totally sovereign, absolutely loving and so faithful Father, I will not be moved. I will rise above my circumstances. I will sore on wings like an eagle. I will walk and not grow weary. I will remain hidden in His secret place, protected, loved, peaceful. I will remain stable and fixed with my eyes set on Him watching, waiting, listening for His voice telling me, "This is the way, walk in it!"
Oh!!! If I could just come through this screen and sit with any of you reading this and beg you to know Him! Don't just know of Him, KNOW Him! Don't just go to church on Sunday and call yourself a Christian. Yes, if you have given your life to Christ, you are a Christian....but that is not the end...it is just the beginning!
He has great and wonderful things for you.....they are hidden in Him! And as you peel back layer, by layer of His wonderful character, you will stand amazed! And when life wants to beat you up, you will stand strong saying, bringing it on! I know the truth! We win in the end! Thank you, God!
I was able to see and talk to Paizley for the first time since she left. I assured her nothing she has done or can do will ever change the fact that she is my daughter. I was able to look her in the eyes and tell her that I still have hope! I was able to speak the truth of God for what could be one last time - even reminding her of the Words God has given her through other people as late as last Wednesday warning her about such a time as this. I was able to kiss Peighton. I cried. I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest or just explode all together as I watched my girls walk away. I cried out to God many times...right there in the detective's conference room..and out loud! I am not playing around with spiritual battles! I will take all that is mine through the authority I have in Christ. I will leave nothing on the battle field for lack of walking in authority. We had the favor of God in many instances. We walked into a very hostile environment and walked out with the detective sympathizing with us and even telling Paizley no one will ever care for her or love her like we do - adopted or not.
But probably the brightest moment of today actually happened Sunday, I just didn't understand the significance until yesterday. Sunday during church, one of our pastors stood up and talked about gifts and how we are called by God to use our gifts for His kingdom and purposes. I kind of dismissed it because I totally get that and believe I am in a place where I am truly doing that in work and am getting involved in church. But at some point during the talk, as clear as if God was sitting beside me, the Holy Spirit spoke. "The enemy will use what is happening to steal what you are doing with adoption and children in state custody. He will not prevail because I have uniquely designed and gifted you for exactly this work. Your experiences and knowledge in the things of this work are invaluable to what I want to do." When I heard it, I kind of was startled. When we have struggled with Paizley at times in the past, I have cried out to God asking how I could ever ask other families to adopt children from the foster system knowing what might be about to happen to their family. I have questioned if I really believe in what I am doing with the state adoption program. But the training I took in San Antonio - sitting with other professionals in this area - really solidified for me that I am doing exactly what I need to be doing. Because of my experience both professionally and personally, I can train and equip families for this process like few others who are doing it professionally can. And also, I have an amazing daughter who I still believe will go mighty things for the kingdom some day because of waiting child adoption from the state! So the thought that I would let even Paizley running away keep me from pursuing this work came as a shock to me. But I took what God said and started analyzing how I felt asking God to reveal any hidden regrets or fears or doubt I had that would cause him to encourage me in that way.
Sitting in the detective's office yesterday, we learned some things about the process because of Paizley's misrepresentation of us and the events that surrounded her leaving. The initial news of some of what will take place as the process plays out were potentially devastating and could have had me worrying about even being able to keep the agency open at all! The detective stepped out for a minute and John and I talked some about what had been said so far. I broke down. Fear started to creep up. Then God brought the words He had whispered into my ear on Sunday back to my remembrance, and I literally laughed out loud! My God, my Faithful Father had already spoken peace and encouragement and victory over a situation that He knew was about to happen and had the potential to shake me up. But because my hope is in Him, because He is my firm foundation, because He is my Deliverer and my Defender, I was not moved! Fear left. Worry stopped. Doubt fled. Peace flooded me.
See that is the faithful God I serve! My amazing spiritual mentor, Becky, often reminds us of a quote that one of her past pastors said, "You prepare for battle in times of peace so that in times of war you are prepared." God has been teaching me, equipping me, loving me, drawing me closer to Him over the past two 15 years, but in God boot camp for the past two. I am in His Word and alone with Him almost daily without fail. I have to be. He is literally my very breath most days.
But let me tell you, being equipped, gaining knowledge, just storing up arsenal of a spiritual fight is not my motivation for getting in the Word and spending time with God. He is my motivation! The more I learn about Him, the more time I spend with Him. It's just like friends we have in the natural. When you meet someone, you might not make time to go have coffee or lunch. But as you get to know someone and learn that when you are around them you feel alive and free for some reason. When you leave them you feel refreshed, encouraged. We all have friends like that, and when they call and say, "we need to do coffee", we find a time! It's the same with God. The more I get to know Him, the more I make time for Him because I want to know Him more! I want to know more about who He is, about how He operates, about what He wants for me.
We live in a society and a culture that can be scary. I know more than I ever wanted to know about a lot of our society and the true condition of what my children are growing up in over the past year. I realize now that I lived in a glass bubble concerning the world that we truly live in. Part of that is where we live. And part of it was just the mere fact that I don't have opportunity to get outside our little world much into the culture that exists outside my home and our church. But I have been thrown full force into it this year and much of it has even touched my very home through some decisions of my daughter. It's has never been normal at our house for police to show up on your door step at 10 at night! At times I have despaired over the condition of the world and wondered what my children will face. But the closer I have drawn to God, the more excited I get. You see the darker the world is, the brighter the light of Christ will shine! If you have a flashlight on in the middle of the day, it doesn't really do much. But you turn that same flashlight on at midnight, and you completely change your environment! It's midnight people! Our lights should be changing our environment!!!! What a blessed time we live in! What a time for God's people to offer hope to a country that needs it! Yes, my kids will have battles I never did, but God is also equipping them for the time they live in! My daughter sees angels - has seen them many times. She has spiritual awareness that I long for and has had since she could speak...and probably before, she just couldn't tell us! I can't wait to see the impact for the kingdom my children have on this dark world! I don't fear for them, I am excited for them! Side note - because of the world I know they will grow up in, I know I have a bigger responsibility than probably any generation before me to equip them with the Word and knowledge and wisdom of God's ways in order for them to fulfill their kingdom purpose - and if you are a Christian, you do to!
God took me to Haggai 2 about four months ago (you don't get to Haggai on accident!). It says this, "In a little while I will once more shake the heavens and the earth, the sea and the dry land.I will shake all nations." As Becky says, we are living in a time when everything that can be shaken is being and will be shaken so that those things which can't be shaken - the things of God - will remain! Praise God!
I have never been more excited to know my God and be a Christ follower! I know Him in a way I never have and I am madly in love! Yes, I am in what has probably been the most devastating circumstances of my life - I am walking out something that I could never fathom - and frankly even in the middle of it can't quite get my head around it if I try to really think about it. But here is the absolute truth, because I serve an all-powerful, totally sovereign, absolutely loving and so faithful Father, I will not be moved. I will rise above my circumstances. I will sore on wings like an eagle. I will walk and not grow weary. I will remain hidden in His secret place, protected, loved, peaceful. I will remain stable and fixed with my eyes set on Him watching, waiting, listening for His voice telling me, "This is the way, walk in it!"
Oh!!! If I could just come through this screen and sit with any of you reading this and beg you to know Him! Don't just know of Him, KNOW Him! Don't just go to church on Sunday and call yourself a Christian. Yes, if you have given your life to Christ, you are a Christian....but that is not the end...it is just the beginning!
He has great and wonderful things for you.....they are hidden in Him! And as you peel back layer, by layer of His wonderful character, you will stand amazed! And when life wants to beat you up, you will stand strong saying, bringing it on! I know the truth! We win in the end! Thank you, God!
Monday, August 20, 2012
The Journey: My Heart is Broken
I am not even sure how to start what I have to say, so I'll just lay it out there...Paizley and Peighton are gone. Paizley left with her Friday night while John and I were out of town. We have called authorities and are trying to make sure Peighton is safe. We have very serious concerns for Peighton on many levels. I have to trust that God will protect her or I will lose my mind with worry and fear. But God keeps steadfast him whose mind is set on Him (Isaiah 26:3).
There are really no words at this point to even describe how we feel. Truly, I can't even get my mind around what has happened. We cleaned out her room yesterday. She has made her decision. We have found over the last year that our culture, and most definitely the police department where we live, make it almost impossible for parents who wish to raise teenagers who understand the consequences of life long decisions. It has been the number one frustration. Laws are not enforced and parents rights and desires really don't matter.
I can't say that I have thought a lot about what has happened. I can't spend much time thinking about it or despair and anger and fear and doubt and unbelief threaten to creep in. When those things start to invade my thoughts, I stop, cry out to God for mercy and strength and go on taking care of the 6 babies who remain under my roof.
I have so many questions. I have some doubts and regrets...any mother who has a child walk out and doesn't have any regrets would concern me! But I also have some really strong assurances that we did the right thing in many of our crossroads over the past year and a half.
The most asked question is why would she not choose to stay where she had so many opportunities.....she had been given a job at a daycare that was letting her bring Peighton for free, we had agreed to support her and Peighton through the last year of high school and on into cosmetology school which was her dream? I have my speculations about why, but the bottom line is....it was a choice.
I have thought a lot about my friends who this summer pursued the adoption of a teenage boy in an international adoption. In this country, the child gets to say if he or she wants to be adopted. This family had literally seen miracle after miracle to get them to the country before this child was unadoptable by laws in both the US and his home country. They traveled all the way around the world, fully in love with their son! It didn't matter that he wasn't legally theirs yet, he was their son! But after two meetings, and even initially signing the statement that he wanted to be adopted, he chose to stay in an orphanage. The more devastating part of this story is that this young man has a birth defect that in his home country will make him a total outcast and most likely leave him with no way to make a living for himself. Once he is forced to leave the orphanage in two years, his life is grim. This couple and the life - the home and family - they offered him was his only way out! And he chose to remain behind. The fact, he didn't have a clue what he was choosing! He was told. But ultimately no one in their right mind would choose the life he will live over the life he was offered!
When they returned home, my friend wrote a blog post through her broken mommy heart that was amazing. But the part that touched me most was when she paralleled what had occurred with the choice we all have in Christ. This young man was offered a free gift...a home with parents and siblings who loved and cherished him before they ever met him, a life of opportunity and success, but instead he chose to remain an orphan and live in bondage to a system that will ultimately turn its back on him. So it is with Christ and his sacrifice on the cross to give us eternal life. Anyone who walks away from that gift is walking into bondage and eternal separation from God - hell.
But God takes it a step farther - we don't have to wait for a physical death to reap the rewards of life in Christ. He has a life of abundance for us right here on earth! In the last week, God tried desperately to communicate that to Paizley. She had a choice: obedience or disobedience. God even singled her out in church Wednesday and our Pastor spoke directly to her about her circumstances and what God wanted to do in her life without knowing anything about what was going on (that's called the Holy Spirit!!!). We are attending a new church - so our Pastor knows very little about any of us or our background. When I would pray about the situations we were in with our daughter, God kept instructing me to make it about eternal kingdom things - not our family or our home. I did that. The bottom line is God cannot bless disobedience. Read Deuteronomy 28. It doesn't get any plainer than that. And there are many more scriptures about the blessing of obedience and the pitfall of disobedience...and I'm not talking about obedience and disobedience of parents...I'm talking about doing what God says or walking away!
The enemy comes to still, kill and destroy. Jesus came to give us life, not just any life, a life of abundance! My heart is broken that my daughter did not heed the warnings given to her and will now have to learn the life lessons the hard way. That is not what any parent wants for their children! My heart is broken for what my granddaughter may have to endure. But this I know. My God is still on His throne! As much as I love my two girls, He loves Paizley and Peighton more than my heart can even fathom! My God will never leave me and never forsake me - or Paizley.
So I have a choice too. I can become angry and bitter, or I can release it to God and trust Him with every aspect of what is happening. Yesterday was my first Sunday to be part of the worship team at our new church. The old me, the me of probably even two years ago, would have never stood on a stage declaring my love for, admiration of, belief in or trust of a God who had just taken us through the year and a half we have walked! But that is the beauty of a life hidden in Christ! He has walked me each step...put amazing spiritual giants in my life to teach me about walking a life hidden under His wings so when times like this come, my faith and trust in God isn't shaken...it increases! He didn't choose to walk out my door, Paizley did. Did He allow it? Yes! Was it His desire? No - and because of that, I choose trust!
This story is not over! Even as I stood and worshiped and truly offered a sacrifice of praise to my Heavenly Father, He wrapped me in His love. There is a phrase in one of the songs we sing that says I called and He replied. You send your kingdom and stand by my side....at that moment I could literally feel the presence of God - if I could have seen the spiritual realm, I am most certain there were more angels than I can fathom standing right there with me - by my side! Later in worship, we sang another song that has a part where all we say is woah-woah-woah...real spiritual, right? But the first time I heard this song, I got goose bumps because that part sounds like a war cry! And if I know anything after the last 10 years, it is that we we are in a serious battle for the Kingdom right now! During this part of the song yesterday, I belted those out in a way I don't think I have ever sung before, I and I knew that at my war cry for my daughter, God released a legion of angels that flew to her side and surrounded her! I know there was a battle right then that was being waged in the spiritual realm for the life of my daughter! Did she come back, no. But I will not stop waging war for her until she does! Not just to my family, but to her God! Because ultimately, that is the real thing that matters!
Paizley asked me one time, have you given up hope on me? My answer, "No. I will never give up hope on you as long as I have breath. It's what a mother does."
Paizley, wherever you are, your mommy loves you and she has not given up hope on you!
There are really no words at this point to even describe how we feel. Truly, I can't even get my mind around what has happened. We cleaned out her room yesterday. She has made her decision. We have found over the last year that our culture, and most definitely the police department where we live, make it almost impossible for parents who wish to raise teenagers who understand the consequences of life long decisions. It has been the number one frustration. Laws are not enforced and parents rights and desires really don't matter.
I can't say that I have thought a lot about what has happened. I can't spend much time thinking about it or despair and anger and fear and doubt and unbelief threaten to creep in. When those things start to invade my thoughts, I stop, cry out to God for mercy and strength and go on taking care of the 6 babies who remain under my roof.
I have so many questions. I have some doubts and regrets...any mother who has a child walk out and doesn't have any regrets would concern me! But I also have some really strong assurances that we did the right thing in many of our crossroads over the past year and a half.
The most asked question is why would she not choose to stay where she had so many opportunities.....she had been given a job at a daycare that was letting her bring Peighton for free, we had agreed to support her and Peighton through the last year of high school and on into cosmetology school which was her dream? I have my speculations about why, but the bottom line is....it was a choice.
I have thought a lot about my friends who this summer pursued the adoption of a teenage boy in an international adoption. In this country, the child gets to say if he or she wants to be adopted. This family had literally seen miracle after miracle to get them to the country before this child was unadoptable by laws in both the US and his home country. They traveled all the way around the world, fully in love with their son! It didn't matter that he wasn't legally theirs yet, he was their son! But after two meetings, and even initially signing the statement that he wanted to be adopted, he chose to stay in an orphanage. The more devastating part of this story is that this young man has a birth defect that in his home country will make him a total outcast and most likely leave him with no way to make a living for himself. Once he is forced to leave the orphanage in two years, his life is grim. This couple and the life - the home and family - they offered him was his only way out! And he chose to remain behind. The fact, he didn't have a clue what he was choosing! He was told. But ultimately no one in their right mind would choose the life he will live over the life he was offered!
When they returned home, my friend wrote a blog post through her broken mommy heart that was amazing. But the part that touched me most was when she paralleled what had occurred with the choice we all have in Christ. This young man was offered a free gift...a home with parents and siblings who loved and cherished him before they ever met him, a life of opportunity and success, but instead he chose to remain an orphan and live in bondage to a system that will ultimately turn its back on him. So it is with Christ and his sacrifice on the cross to give us eternal life. Anyone who walks away from that gift is walking into bondage and eternal separation from God - hell.
But God takes it a step farther - we don't have to wait for a physical death to reap the rewards of life in Christ. He has a life of abundance for us right here on earth! In the last week, God tried desperately to communicate that to Paizley. She had a choice: obedience or disobedience. God even singled her out in church Wednesday and our Pastor spoke directly to her about her circumstances and what God wanted to do in her life without knowing anything about what was going on (that's called the Holy Spirit!!!). We are attending a new church - so our Pastor knows very little about any of us or our background. When I would pray about the situations we were in with our daughter, God kept instructing me to make it about eternal kingdom things - not our family or our home. I did that. The bottom line is God cannot bless disobedience. Read Deuteronomy 28. It doesn't get any plainer than that. And there are many more scriptures about the blessing of obedience and the pitfall of disobedience...and I'm not talking about obedience and disobedience of parents...I'm talking about doing what God says or walking away!
The enemy comes to still, kill and destroy. Jesus came to give us life, not just any life, a life of abundance! My heart is broken that my daughter did not heed the warnings given to her and will now have to learn the life lessons the hard way. That is not what any parent wants for their children! My heart is broken for what my granddaughter may have to endure. But this I know. My God is still on His throne! As much as I love my two girls, He loves Paizley and Peighton more than my heart can even fathom! My God will never leave me and never forsake me - or Paizley.
So I have a choice too. I can become angry and bitter, or I can release it to God and trust Him with every aspect of what is happening. Yesterday was my first Sunday to be part of the worship team at our new church. The old me, the me of probably even two years ago, would have never stood on a stage declaring my love for, admiration of, belief in or trust of a God who had just taken us through the year and a half we have walked! But that is the beauty of a life hidden in Christ! He has walked me each step...put amazing spiritual giants in my life to teach me about walking a life hidden under His wings so when times like this come, my faith and trust in God isn't shaken...it increases! He didn't choose to walk out my door, Paizley did. Did He allow it? Yes! Was it His desire? No - and because of that, I choose trust!
This story is not over! Even as I stood and worshiped and truly offered a sacrifice of praise to my Heavenly Father, He wrapped me in His love. There is a phrase in one of the songs we sing that says I called and He replied. You send your kingdom and stand by my side....at that moment I could literally feel the presence of God - if I could have seen the spiritual realm, I am most certain there were more angels than I can fathom standing right there with me - by my side! Later in worship, we sang another song that has a part where all we say is woah-woah-woah...real spiritual, right? But the first time I heard this song, I got goose bumps because that part sounds like a war cry! And if I know anything after the last 10 years, it is that we we are in a serious battle for the Kingdom right now! During this part of the song yesterday, I belted those out in a way I don't think I have ever sung before, I and I knew that at my war cry for my daughter, God released a legion of angels that flew to her side and surrounded her! I know there was a battle right then that was being waged in the spiritual realm for the life of my daughter! Did she come back, no. But I will not stop waging war for her until she does! Not just to my family, but to her God! Because ultimately, that is the real thing that matters!
Paizley asked me one time, have you given up hope on me? My answer, "No. I will never give up hope on you as long as I have breath. It's what a mother does."
Paizley, wherever you are, your mommy loves you and she has not given up hope on you!
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