The Aftermath

It's been a week and two days since she left.  I have had to hold Ava twice while she cried because she misses her big sister and doesn't understand why she up and left without saying good bye.  Last night during bedtime prayer she just out and says, "Mom, I have a broken heart."  When I asked why, she answered, "Because Paizley left."  I am not really sure what to do with my emotions at times like that.  My own sadness wells up.  Then its followed by anger that she would hurt the other children like that.  Then it's followed by what John and I have decided is mourning.  It is as if there has been a death in the family.  We have to grieve what could have been.  We grieve what we thought once was.  We grieve the plans we had for her.  We grieve not getting to know our grand daughter.  But most of all we grieve that our daughter is walking outside the protection of God and know that is never a safe place.

I have never lost a loved one suddenly, but I have heard many say that the adrenaline gets you through the funeral.  It is the days after everyone has gone back home and you go back to life without that loved one that it is the hardest.  That describes this weekend.  Just about all the kids had some kind of outburst that we could trace back to just dealing with the emotions of what has happened in our home.

Today is the start of a new school year.  I guess there will be many days like today that are bitter sweet.  I won't let the grief of one rob me of the joy of 6 others, but there will always be that little twinge of sadness over the missing one...until the day she returns home.

If you are praying for Paizley, we are praying specifically that her eyes be opened to Truth. That she can see with spiritual eyes the consequences of the decisions she is making.  We are praying that she is keenly aware of God's presence in her life.  Thanks for praying!