The Journey: My Heart is Broken

I am not even sure how to start what I have to say, so I'll just lay it out there...Paizley and Peighton are gone.  Paizley left with her Friday night while John and I were out of town.  We have called authorities and are trying to make sure Peighton is safe.  We have very serious concerns for Peighton on many levels.  I have to trust that God will protect her or I will lose my mind with worry and fear.  But God keeps steadfast him whose mind is set on Him (Isaiah 26:3).

There are really no words at this point to even describe how we feel.  Truly, I can't even get my mind around what has happened.  We cleaned out her room yesterday.  She has made her decision.  We have found over the last year that our culture, and most definitely the police department where we live, make it almost impossible for parents who wish to raise teenagers who understand the consequences of life long decisions.  It has been the number one frustration.  Laws are not enforced and parents rights and desires really don't matter.

I can't say that I have thought a lot about what has happened. I can't spend much time thinking about it or despair and anger and fear and doubt and unbelief threaten to creep in.  When those things start to invade my thoughts, I stop, cry out to God for mercy and strength and go on taking care of the 6 babies who remain under my roof.

I have so many questions.  I have some doubts and regrets...any mother who has a child walk out and doesn't have any regrets would concern me!  But I also have some really strong assurances that we did the right thing in many of our crossroads over the past year and a half.

The most asked question is why would she not choose to stay where she had so many opportunities.....she had been given a job at a daycare that was letting her bring Peighton for free, we had agreed to support her and Peighton through the last year of high school and on into cosmetology school which was her dream?  I have my speculations about why, but the bottom line is....it was a choice.

I have thought a lot about my friends who this summer pursued the adoption of a teenage boy in an international adoption.  In this country, the child gets to say if he or she wants to be adopted.  This family had literally seen miracle after miracle to get them to the country before this child was unadoptable by laws in both the US and his home country.  They traveled all the way around the world, fully in love with their son!  It didn't matter that he wasn't legally theirs yet, he was their son!  But after two meetings, and even initially signing the statement that he wanted to be adopted, he chose to stay in an orphanage.  The more devastating part of this story is that this young man has a birth defect that in his home country will make him a total outcast and most likely leave him with no way to make a living for himself.  Once he is forced to leave the orphanage in two years, his life is grim.  This couple and the life - the home and family - they offered him was his only way out!  And he chose to remain behind.  The fact, he didn't have a clue what he was choosing!  He was told.  But ultimately no one in their right mind would choose the life he will live over the life he was offered!

When they returned home, my friend wrote a blog post through her broken mommy heart that was amazing.  But the part that touched me most was when she paralleled what had occurred with the choice we all have in Christ.  This young man was offered a free gift...a home with parents and siblings who loved and cherished him before they ever met him, a life of opportunity and success, but instead he chose to remain an orphan and live in bondage to a system that will ultimately turn its back on him.  So it is with Christ and his sacrifice on the cross to give us eternal life.  Anyone who walks away from that gift is walking into bondage and eternal separation from God - hell.

But God takes it a step farther - we don't have to wait for a physical death to reap the rewards of life in Christ.  He has a life of abundance for us right here on earth!  In the last week, God tried desperately to communicate that to Paizley.  She had a choice: obedience or disobedience.  God even singled her out in church Wednesday and our Pastor spoke directly to her about her circumstances and what God wanted to do in her life without knowing anything about what was going on (that's called the Holy Spirit!!!).  We are attending a new church - so our Pastor knows very little about any of us or our background.  When I would pray about the situations we were in with our daughter, God kept instructing me to make it about eternal kingdom things - not our family or our home.  I did that.  The bottom line is God cannot bless disobedience.  Read Deuteronomy 28.  It doesn't get any plainer than that.  And there are many more scriptures about the blessing of obedience and the pitfall of disobedience...and I'm not talking about obedience and disobedience of parents...I'm talking about doing what God says or walking away!

The enemy comes to still, kill and destroy.  Jesus came to give us life, not just any life, a life of abundance!  My heart is broken that my daughter did not heed the warnings given to her and will now have to learn the life lessons the hard way.  That is not what any parent wants for their children!  My heart is broken for what my granddaughter may have to endure.  But this I know.  My God is still on His throne!  As much as I love my two girls, He loves Paizley and Peighton more than my heart can even fathom!  My God will never leave me and never forsake me - or Paizley.

So I have a choice too. I can become angry and bitter, or I can release it to God and trust Him with every aspect of what is happening.  Yesterday was my first Sunday to be part of the worship team at our new church.  The old me, the me of probably even two years ago, would have never stood on a stage declaring my love for, admiration of, belief in or trust of a God who had just taken us through the year and a half we have walked!  But that is the beauty of a life hidden in Christ!  He has walked me each step...put amazing spiritual giants in my life to teach me about walking a life hidden under His wings so when times like this come, my faith and trust in God isn't shaken...it increases!  He didn't choose to walk out my door, Paizley did.  Did He allow it?  Yes!  Was it His desire?  No - and because of that, I choose trust!

This story is not over!  Even as I stood and worshiped  and truly offered a sacrifice of praise to my Heavenly Father, He wrapped me in His love.  There is a phrase in one of the songs we sing that says I called and He replied.  You send your kingdom and stand by my side....at that moment I could literally feel the presence of God - if I could have seen the spiritual realm, I am most certain there were more angels than I can fathom standing right there with me - by my side!  Later in worship, we sang another song that has a part where all we say is woah-woah-woah...real spiritual, right?  But the first time I heard this song, I got goose bumps because that part sounds like a war cry!  And if I know anything after the last 10 years, it is that we we are in a serious battle for the Kingdom right now!  During this part of the song yesterday, I belted those out in a way I don't think I have ever sung before, I and I knew that at my war cry for my daughter, God released a legion of angels that flew to her side and surrounded her!  I know there was a battle right then that was being waged in the spiritual realm for the life of my daughter!  Did she come back, no.  But I will not stop waging war for her until she does!  Not just to my family, but to her God! Because ultimately, that is the real thing that matters!

Paizley asked me one time, have you given up hope on me?  My answer, "No.  I will never give up hope on you as long as I have breath.  It's what a mother does."

Paizley, wherever you are, your mommy loves you and she has not given up hope on you!