It has been a rough three weeks. The honeymoon is most definitely over! For all of us! Isabella is still doing amazing! Truly, when I stop and think where we could be, I know we are blessed beyond measure. But even with that, It. Is. HARD!
This past week, my biggest struggle is learning how to love the hurt through my own hurts. Just this morning, as I prayed and begged God from relief from the battles, He revealed to me that my struggle right now is in having to love a child unconditionally through my human heart that is hurting over my own wounds. I am so thankful that God's love is not mine! I am so thankful that He loves me with a love only He can give! Our amazing Pastor is actually doing a sermon series on that right now, but we missed this Sunday because Ava was sick. Can't wait to catch it on the website and can't wait to hear this weeks! While I am thankful for the love God gives me, I am realizing more and more how flawed the love I offer my children is.
Over the past three weeks, I have felt myself pulling back from my children...all of them. Not just "the adopted ones", but all of them. I have become more and more overwhelmed with the demands of loving, training and guiding six children. I have entertained the idea many times over the past few weeks that the critics were right, and we have too many kids. Then days like yesterday happen when I realize I have missed soccer sign-ups and baseball sign ups. We didn't know about a parent meeting at honors choir, so couldn't stay because one parent was home with 3 kids + a sleeping baby and the 6th child had to be picked up from track before the parent meeting would be over. I just kept thinking, "if we didn't have this many kids, we wouldn't have this problem right now." Monday Noah was walking in front of me and I looked down to see his ankle above his socks above his shoe. This means his pants are WAY too short! Over night, the kid has outgrown his pants...AGAIN! Immediately, I hear a voice say, "Now you LOOK like a family with a bunch of kids! Your son's pants aren't even long enough! If you didn't have all these kids you would have noticed sooner and you would have the money to go buy new ones right now instead of having to wait until payday!" My friend Emily and I have always joked about looking like "one of those" families with all the kids! While we can joke about it, it really is a real battle of fear and image that I seem to be fighting more and more lately.
I am exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually exhausted.
The thing is, I know that each of these things I am talking about are attacks from the enemy. I have amazing friends around me who send me e-mails filled with truth that I really don't want to hear at the time, but appreciate their honest truth none-the-less. But because of my hurts from the past few years with God and some people close to me, I have a hard time believing those truths right now. Which ultimately boils down to my trust issues with God rearing their ugly head again! Yuck!
I shared my fears about adopting an older child at the time we were considering bring Isabella into our family. I had real fears about my ability to emotionally and spiritually support even one more person. Those fears come from some real struggles that are currently happening in our family life. But as the reality of all that mothering six children means has come to pass, those fears have become reality. It is scary. It is overwhelming. It looks impossible.
But what is the truth? The truth is God hand picked each of these children to be in our family. His fingerprints are all over every single one of their births and adoptions. Each one of them truly were not planned by John or me! Even Callie who we say is our only "planned" child was conceived after a miscarriage ~ had we not lost our first baby, Callie would not be here. Every other child has a God print on their existence in this family, including the one I'm carrying...and don't get me started about thinking about adding a newborn to the mix!
The Truth is also, as one dear friend reminds me frequently, satan wants our family to fail. He wants John and I to divorce. He wants us to give up on parenting Isabella (it would truly be giving up on parenting, not on her because she is amazing!). He wants us to be poor examples of Christ followers to our children so that they grow up thinking following God in hard things makes you bitter and angry. He wants us to turn down any other children that God may already have planned for us. NO, I'm not looking for any! But with my feelings right now, I never would even be open to more children.
The truth is satan wants me to believe that I can't do this. I find myself saying it all the time, "I can't do this." But that is not what the Word says! It says, I can do ALL things THROUGH CHRIST who gives me strength! God, if I let him, can heal my hurts so that I can love my children despite my hurts.
As you guys know, I'm transparent..and in light of that, I'll just share....I'm not there yet! I'm struggling. I'm trying to believe God for the promises that have been spoken over this baby and our year. I was at a birthing center last week praying for a friend as she walked out a promise from God that she would successfully deliver a baby totally naturally after two c-sections. God has used her experience over the past week to speak to me when I chose to listen. John and I are in an all out war for our family right now. These promises that have been spoken over us would be healing of 13 years worth of hurt and disappointment. These promises would mean our family would be healthier than it has ever been....yes, even with six, soon to be seven, children! Since I've had c-sections on both my births, I don't have the experience that my friends who were with me at the birth center have had. As I heard them talk and we prayed for strength and perseverance and bound fear and cast it out for our friend, I know God was implanting that analogy in my heart. John and I are in labor with our family. I am at that point where fear sets in. I am at that point were the pain seems like it will never end and is not worth it! The ladies all talked about how towards the end it gets so hard you want to quit, but if you persevere, you end up with this amazing little baby and a euphoria that cannot be described! I think about my amazing friend who delivered all 10 lbs and 11 oz of her sweet baby boy that night - totally naturally! And I am encouraged to keep laboring through this process. It's ugly, it's messy, it's not fun, but it's necessary to produce that family God desires for us and the healing He has promised us. It's necessary to love my hurting daughters who need more love and reassurance from me than I feel like I can offer in my own wounded state. So today, which is what God tells me to only be concerned with, I'm going to kick fear out and walk in belief and faith that God will bring to pass that which He promised. I will not allow the enemy to taunt me with the failures of the past or the disappointments of the past. And try desperately to be as confident as those last sentences sound! :)
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
Hiding from God
I realize this title is an oxymoron, or close to it, I think. There is no way to hide from an Omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent God. But when I choose to not spend time with Him, I am at least blocking Him out...as much as the Holy Spirit will allow before chasing me down, anyway!
I have hidden from God way too much the past two months. Different reasons, but all of them are rebellious at the heart of the matter. Rebellion doesn't look good on me! Definitely NOT flattering! So why do I "wear" it? Sometimes I know God just shakes his head at me...just like I do my kids when they are being less than smart!
A lot of the time I have deliberately not had my quiet times over the past couple of months. It has been because the battle of spirit versus flesh have been very present in my household. Battles with kids and how they see other kids act or being treated by their parents, battles with other family members over my stance on spiritual absolutes and what we allow or don't allow in our family, and inward battles with what I believe God is saying and my complete lack of desire to do it!
Most recently, my battle is the latter! Over the past few weeks, I have been considering a possible situation that has been placed before us. A situation that John and I have agreed would be an impossibility and as such have informed those asking us that we would not be doing it. I was very comfortable with that decision! I can give you a thousand reasons why we are justified in our response to say no to this situation. In fact, there are very few people that wouldn't want to call in the men in white coats if we walked forward in this situation! We have received very good feedback from everyone when responding with a resounding "NO!!!!!" to this situation. Very good feedback from almost everyone...and the only One who really matters, doesn't seem all that thrilled with my no!
It started with a little whisper that said, "Did you ask Me about this situation? Did you ask Me what My plan is here?" To which I quickly responded, well God of course You don't want me to do this! It would stretch me beyond what any human is capable of! It would put stress on every area of our lives! There is no way You would want us to do this. To which I hear again, "Have you asked Me what I want in this situation? Have you asked Me what I can do in this situation? Have you looked at what matters to Me?"
We had a guest couple at our church for a marriage seminar and then they spoke again on Sunday morning. Their testimony and much of their walk in their marriage, mirrors a lot of John and mine. It was very encouraging to hear them! But God also used them to speak to me about this situation. In my quiet time before hearing them speak, God stirred it in me, then as they spoke, He solidified what I believed Him to be saying.
I believe He has said that we are to say "yes" to this situation. I don't even know that the "yes" will actually require anything of us. I don't know that the actual event will occur. But I know God wants me to be willing and ready to say "yes" to whatever He calls me to. And I know that God has spoken to my heart that I am limiting Him with my human perspective. I am telling Him where His boundaries are in my life and that is pretty much like the pot saying to the potter what it will be!
So I have spent the last week sleeping in and hiding from God. I don't know that I have ever consciously avoided Him because of what I think He will tell me before. But this week I can definitely say that I have. I'm tired of being stretched! I'm tired, period! I feel like I am literally on the brink of impossibility and God just seems to be saying, not only are you going to do all that I have commanded (even the things you aren't doing yet because you are being slow to obey Me), but add this to your list!
So tonight is the first time in a week or more that I feel like I have really engaged with God. Why? Because all my other attempts this week, feeble attempts, have failed. Why? Because I had rebellion in my heart and disobedience on my mind! I was coming to God saying, "I don't want to know what you want from me....I just want you to fix this, and this, and this...THEN maybe I will consider listening to you!" God reacts to that about how I would to one of my children telling me that!
But tonight, I come before Him ready to obey. Ready to lay down my agendas, my fears, my limitations and say yes to God. Whatever He asks of me in this situation, I'm ready to walk in obedience trusting Him with the rest! Hang on folks! This is going to be one crazy ride! ...oh, and pray for John! This may just send him over the edge! :) I have already told him I think God has spoken a "yes" in this situation, and He looked at me like I was a mad woman! He had no clue what he was getting himself into 13 years ago when he watched me walk down the aisle and took me as his life partner! But I wouldn't want to be on this journey with anyone else!
I have hidden from God way too much the past two months. Different reasons, but all of them are rebellious at the heart of the matter. Rebellion doesn't look good on me! Definitely NOT flattering! So why do I "wear" it? Sometimes I know God just shakes his head at me...just like I do my kids when they are being less than smart!
A lot of the time I have deliberately not had my quiet times over the past couple of months. It has been because the battle of spirit versus flesh have been very present in my household. Battles with kids and how they see other kids act or being treated by their parents, battles with other family members over my stance on spiritual absolutes and what we allow or don't allow in our family, and inward battles with what I believe God is saying and my complete lack of desire to do it!
Most recently, my battle is the latter! Over the past few weeks, I have been considering a possible situation that has been placed before us. A situation that John and I have agreed would be an impossibility and as such have informed those asking us that we would not be doing it. I was very comfortable with that decision! I can give you a thousand reasons why we are justified in our response to say no to this situation. In fact, there are very few people that wouldn't want to call in the men in white coats if we walked forward in this situation! We have received very good feedback from everyone when responding with a resounding "NO!!!!!" to this situation. Very good feedback from almost everyone...and the only One who really matters, doesn't seem all that thrilled with my no!
It started with a little whisper that said, "Did you ask Me about this situation? Did you ask Me what My plan is here?" To which I quickly responded, well God of course You don't want me to do this! It would stretch me beyond what any human is capable of! It would put stress on every area of our lives! There is no way You would want us to do this. To which I hear again, "Have you asked Me what I want in this situation? Have you asked Me what I can do in this situation? Have you looked at what matters to Me?"
We had a guest couple at our church for a marriage seminar and then they spoke again on Sunday morning. Their testimony and much of their walk in their marriage, mirrors a lot of John and mine. It was very encouraging to hear them! But God also used them to speak to me about this situation. In my quiet time before hearing them speak, God stirred it in me, then as they spoke, He solidified what I believed Him to be saying.
I believe He has said that we are to say "yes" to this situation. I don't even know that the "yes" will actually require anything of us. I don't know that the actual event will occur. But I know God wants me to be willing and ready to say "yes" to whatever He calls me to. And I know that God has spoken to my heart that I am limiting Him with my human perspective. I am telling Him where His boundaries are in my life and that is pretty much like the pot saying to the potter what it will be!
So I have spent the last week sleeping in and hiding from God. I don't know that I have ever consciously avoided Him because of what I think He will tell me before. But this week I can definitely say that I have. I'm tired of being stretched! I'm tired, period! I feel like I am literally on the brink of impossibility and God just seems to be saying, not only are you going to do all that I have commanded (even the things you aren't doing yet because you are being slow to obey Me), but add this to your list!
So tonight is the first time in a week or more that I feel like I have really engaged with God. Why? Because all my other attempts this week, feeble attempts, have failed. Why? Because I had rebellion in my heart and disobedience on my mind! I was coming to God saying, "I don't want to know what you want from me....I just want you to fix this, and this, and this...THEN maybe I will consider listening to you!" God reacts to that about how I would to one of my children telling me that!
But tonight, I come before Him ready to obey. Ready to lay down my agendas, my fears, my limitations and say yes to God. Whatever He asks of me in this situation, I'm ready to walk in obedience trusting Him with the rest! Hang on folks! This is going to be one crazy ride! ...oh, and pray for John! This may just send him over the edge! :) I have already told him I think God has spoken a "yes" in this situation, and He looked at me like I was a mad woman! He had no clue what he was getting himself into 13 years ago when he watched me walk down the aisle and took me as his life partner! But I wouldn't want to be on this journey with anyone else!
Family Come to Jesus Meeting Results
So the Come to Jesus Meeting went well! Can't say it was great, had a few tense moments, but at least now I'm not the only one that will be miserable around here! Ok, Just kidding..but really, the responsibilities have been spread and I feel much less emotionally involved as I know there are things I can do with the kids that takes the burden off me to constantly remind them to do their chores! Plus, my bathroom cabinets were wiped down, the toilet bases were scrubbed and both cars will be cleaned out when we have a warm day...
One of the things we came up with was the "Irresponsibility Can". If I have to do a chore for them, then they have to do a chore for me. If they backtalk or do anything that would drain my energy (a Love and Logic term) then they have to go to the Irresponsibility Can and pick a chore. In said can are the chores that John and I don't like to do. You know, things like scrub the toilets, clean mini-blinds, pick up the dog poop, etc! They are all in the can and the children draw their ch0re anytime they are being irresponsible. So far so good....we will see how it goes as the week goes on!
One of the things we came up with was the "Irresponsibility Can". If I have to do a chore for them, then they have to do a chore for me. If they backtalk or do anything that would drain my energy (a Love and Logic term) then they have to go to the Irresponsibility Can and pick a chore. In said can are the chores that John and I don't like to do. You know, things like scrub the toilets, clean mini-blinds, pick up the dog poop, etc! They are all in the can and the children draw their ch0re anytime they are being irresponsible. So far so good....we will see how it goes as the week goes on!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Confessions of a Large Family Mom
I hear all the time, "how do you do it?" Well, frankly, this week, I haven't! I haven't done "it" at all! I've managed to keep the house picked up and that's about it! I haven' t done all that needs to be done for my job...just bare minimums, I haven't discipled my children at all, and frankly, I haven't even really been all that nice. I'm tired and grumpy! Kind of already knew that, but was confirmed when Isabella told me early this week that she went to the counselor at school and asked her if it was normal for pregnant women to be grumpy and mean. Not exactly one of my prouder moments!
So I have tried to do some major self-reflection to see what is going on! I feel the depression creeping back and I am determined to not fall into that pit again!
Anyone who has been a Christian long knows that Bible study and prayer are key when you are trying to battle through anything! But I haven't been very good at that lately. Not because of time....yes, time is a valuable commodity around here, but you make time for what you think is important! I make the time when I'm not in my funk, so time can't be an excuse! The bottom line is, I don't want to. I'm throwing a tantrum for God...real mature, huh?!
Two reasons for not wanting to get in the Word. One, I'm afraid of what He will tell me. I'm not ready to be stretched anymore right now. And there is one particular direction I'm pretty sure God is telling me to go that I flat don't want to. The other is, I don't feel like I have the power or energy to change anything else right now. Of course no of those are true, but in the funk I'm in, they feel true. And being in the funk I'm in, the "feelings" control me instead of truth! Bad place to be!
Maybe there is a third reason....I'm tired of battle! Part of me thinks if I quit chasing after God so hard, maybe the enemy will leave me alone for awhile. Truth? He probably will....but then God will be after me, and rightly so! So all that brings me to where I am this morning...what am I going to do between This Rock and this hard place?
Well, I'm going to fight my way back to standing on The Rock and get out of the hard place! I have had two words spoken over me and God has shown scripture that shows exactly what He wants for me right now and it is victory! I have joined the Beth Moore Scripture Memory challenge for this year thanks to the challenge of a friend of mine. So I am memorizing two scriptures a month. This month, I am memorizing some from Joel 2 which was the Word spoken over me for this year. Verse 25 says, "Then I will make up to you for the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the creeping locust, the stripping locust and the gnawing locust, My great army which I sent among you." John and I have been married for 13 years. I would say the majority of that 13 years has been stolen by locust of one kind or another in one of us. Time and again, God has shown us that 2011 is the year to reclaim those years and see the fruit! That makes the enemy nervous and angry, and he is in full force.
I KNOW the truth! That is what frustrates me so badly! I KNOW that the enemy has no power over me that I don't hand to him! I KNOW that I am an over comer by the words of my testimony and the blood of the Lamb! But knowing it and walking in it seem to be two totally different things! So today has been a reflection of how to get that knowledge to my feet in order to walk!
I have a lot I need to get in order, but I see that the enemy uses our family size many times to drain me! And that is what God has been revealing today and even the weeks before today when I have found myself exhausted and snapping by 5:00 every day.
John and I love Parenting with Love and Logic. There are some areas of it that we have to tweek, especially parenting children from hard places, but the concepts are fabulous! I have noticed over the past few weeks, that we have slipped back into very bad old habits! Our kids have to be told EVERYTHING to do...including brush their hair in the case of the boys! We have been threatening to shave their heads (or at least cut it very short) if they don't start taking care of it. But have we followed through? NO! Instead, every morning, I find myself saying, "Have you brushed your hair?" numerous times and then waiting in the car while one of them runs back into the bathroom to brush his hair! Even the older girls have to be told EVERYTHING they are supposed to do. We have chore charts. No one looks at them! They just wait for John or I to tell them what to do! Well, by the end of the day when I have told 6 people plus myself what to do for every little step of their day, I am worn out! That's nuts!
I have said on her before that I am not an organized person. It really does not come naturally to me. I have begged with God recently to make me more organized and asked him why in the world He didn't give me more organization genes since He knew He was going to give me all these children. But the fact of the matter is, even the systems we have in place, we are not using! We are letting our children run our home and then we are all snappy and grippy!
So today, after school and homework, when John gets home, we are having a family Come to Jesus Meeting! It will start with John and I confessing the areas we have not been good parents. I think it is important to model proper failure (if there is such a thing) for your children! It is important for them to understand that even when you are not being successful you can stop, repent, and turn it around! And then we are laying down some hard and fast ground rules for chores and responsibilities around here. Mom and dad are done being drill sergeants! Its time for the responsibility for themselves to go back on the children where it belongs! And if they refuse to take the responsibility, well, then their life will become a little more miserable as they suffer natural consequences of not being able to handle responsibility. I'm doing being miserable because they can't handle responsibility!
Wish me luck...or better yet, say a prayer for us! And I will let you know how it goes! I'm off to write down some of the issues and brain storm from natural consequences!
So I have tried to do some major self-reflection to see what is going on! I feel the depression creeping back and I am determined to not fall into that pit again!
Anyone who has been a Christian long knows that Bible study and prayer are key when you are trying to battle through anything! But I haven't been very good at that lately. Not because of time....yes, time is a valuable commodity around here, but you make time for what you think is important! I make the time when I'm not in my funk, so time can't be an excuse! The bottom line is, I don't want to. I'm throwing a tantrum for God...real mature, huh?!
Two reasons for not wanting to get in the Word. One, I'm afraid of what He will tell me. I'm not ready to be stretched anymore right now. And there is one particular direction I'm pretty sure God is telling me to go that I flat don't want to. The other is, I don't feel like I have the power or energy to change anything else right now. Of course no of those are true, but in the funk I'm in, they feel true. And being in the funk I'm in, the "feelings" control me instead of truth! Bad place to be!
Maybe there is a third reason....I'm tired of battle! Part of me thinks if I quit chasing after God so hard, maybe the enemy will leave me alone for awhile. Truth? He probably will....but then God will be after me, and rightly so! So all that brings me to where I am this morning...what am I going to do between This Rock and this hard place?
Well, I'm going to fight my way back to standing on The Rock and get out of the hard place! I have had two words spoken over me and God has shown scripture that shows exactly what He wants for me right now and it is victory! I have joined the Beth Moore Scripture Memory challenge for this year thanks to the challenge of a friend of mine. So I am memorizing two scriptures a month. This month, I am memorizing some from Joel 2 which was the Word spoken over me for this year. Verse 25 says, "Then I will make up to you for the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the creeping locust, the stripping locust and the gnawing locust, My great army which I sent among you." John and I have been married for 13 years. I would say the majority of that 13 years has been stolen by locust of one kind or another in one of us. Time and again, God has shown us that 2011 is the year to reclaim those years and see the fruit! That makes the enemy nervous and angry, and he is in full force.
I KNOW the truth! That is what frustrates me so badly! I KNOW that the enemy has no power over me that I don't hand to him! I KNOW that I am an over comer by the words of my testimony and the blood of the Lamb! But knowing it and walking in it seem to be two totally different things! So today has been a reflection of how to get that knowledge to my feet in order to walk!
I have a lot I need to get in order, but I see that the enemy uses our family size many times to drain me! And that is what God has been revealing today and even the weeks before today when I have found myself exhausted and snapping by 5:00 every day.
John and I love Parenting with Love and Logic. There are some areas of it that we have to tweek, especially parenting children from hard places, but the concepts are fabulous! I have noticed over the past few weeks, that we have slipped back into very bad old habits! Our kids have to be told EVERYTHING to do...including brush their hair in the case of the boys! We have been threatening to shave their heads (or at least cut it very short) if they don't start taking care of it. But have we followed through? NO! Instead, every morning, I find myself saying, "Have you brushed your hair?" numerous times and then waiting in the car while one of them runs back into the bathroom to brush his hair! Even the older girls have to be told EVERYTHING they are supposed to do. We have chore charts. No one looks at them! They just wait for John or I to tell them what to do! Well, by the end of the day when I have told 6 people plus myself what to do for every little step of their day, I am worn out! That's nuts!
I have said on her before that I am not an organized person. It really does not come naturally to me. I have begged with God recently to make me more organized and asked him why in the world He didn't give me more organization genes since He knew He was going to give me all these children. But the fact of the matter is, even the systems we have in place, we are not using! We are letting our children run our home and then we are all snappy and grippy!
So today, after school and homework, when John gets home, we are having a family Come to Jesus Meeting! It will start with John and I confessing the areas we have not been good parents. I think it is important to model proper failure (if there is such a thing) for your children! It is important for them to understand that even when you are not being successful you can stop, repent, and turn it around! And then we are laying down some hard and fast ground rules for chores and responsibilities around here. Mom and dad are done being drill sergeants! Its time for the responsibility for themselves to go back on the children where it belongs! And if they refuse to take the responsibility, well, then their life will become a little more miserable as they suffer natural consequences of not being able to handle responsibility. I'm doing being miserable because they can't handle responsibility!
Wish me luck...or better yet, say a prayer for us! And I will let you know how it goes! I'm off to write down some of the issues and brain storm from natural consequences!
Friday, January 21, 2011
IN it but not OF it: Part 1
I have always struggled with the true meaning of John 17. In case you haven't figured it out by now, I am an analyzer! Sometimes I over analyze things, and this may be one of those times. However, this scripture has come to mind several times lately as I have struggled through different areas.
"I am no longer in the world; and yet they themselves are in the world...and the world has hated them, because they are not of this word, even as I am not of the world." John 11,14
Over the years, my struggle with the "in but not of it" truth has evolved. In my early years, especially in my legalistic thinking, it was a statement of arrogance. "I'm not one of them" I am among them because I have to be, but I am not "of " them! Reading it in full context, that is most definitely NOT what Jesus is talking about! He is talking about love, NOT pride!
Then my struggle evolved to the riches part of the world. This was particularly a struggle when we first started working in Africa. I felt guilty for having a home with running water and electricity. I felt guilty for having food on my table and a steady income. I have to live in this world because Jesus left us here, but I am not to be "of" it. What exactly does "of" it mean?! Does it mean I shouldn't embrace any of its luxuries or benefits? Does it mean I can't have fun? Does it mean I sit in solemn studious stature and meditate on The Word? As I've learned more of The Word and more of God's character, I can definitely say no to those as well! As far as enjoying the luxuries the world has to offer, well, I still struggle with that! I know the answer is in balance. But where is that balance?
I am finding my struggle with the "in" it but not "of" it has intensified the last few weeks. It has become quite an internal struggle as well, in myself, but also in my family, meaning with me, John and the kids. If you want to know how much of a bubble you have been in, bring in an older child who has seen, heard and experienced things that no child should! While I hear my friends talk about how much they are shielding their children from "the world", I realize I have brought "the world" in to live in my home. Please don't misunderstand that statement. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Isabella is meant to be in our home, and I am so thankful every day that God delivered me from fear so that I could take this journey and say yes to adding her to our family. She is AMAZING! Truly, amazing!
But by no fault of her own, she has not only been in the world, but she has been all about the world! What motivates her, what makes her happy, her interaction with friends and others, it is all wrapped in the lies of this world. It is all based on the lies spewed by the Father of Lies who rules this earth. It is based on the things that will kill, steal and destroy! But he is a master liar! He makes it all look so good. I am finding it so difficult to "argue" with what satan makes look so appealing.
I know the Truth! I know where the low road will lead and where the high road will lead. But I also know that I can't make the decision to take the high road for any of my children! Oh that I could!
I can "make" my children obey my rules! I can take away all privileges until they get the picture that it is my way or they highway! I am not a parent who will ever say as many did to me when I was teaching 6th grade, "I've tried everything and nothing seems to work." I know how to get their attention. However, I don't want to just get their attention, I want to transform their heart!
You see, I can make them act the way I want them to, but that truly is not my goal! My goal is to build warriors for God's kingdom. That means they have to understand the cost and choose to do it anyway. That means that somewhere in side of themselves, they have to value the ways of God over the ways of this world. Somewhere inside of them they have to understand that what looks like denying themselves pleasure or what looks like hard right now, in the end will bring more pleasure than anything this world has to offer and will make life easier!
But how to do I get them there, especially one who has been soaked in the world for 15 years, and I have a short 3 to totally turn it around? It makes my head and heart hurt!
As I sit down to spend time with God today, that is my question for Him. What now? Honeymoon is over, and real life is here. What boundaries do I put in place to keep my children safe even if they don't understand, and what freedoms do I give because too many boundaries will only produce rebellion. I love Karyn Purvis' analogy of the horse. You pull back on the reigns slightly and they stop. You pull back a little harder and they back up. You pull back even harder and they buck! I need some stopping and some backing up, but bucking is not proving to be beneficial!
God, I'm here again with the same question for different reasons! How do I teach my children to have a heart for you? When the world is so tempting, how do I keep their eyes on you? How do I take my daughter who has been taught all the wrong ways and show her the right ways without crushing her? How hard do I push? When do I back off? God, I ask forgiveness for avoiding You myself and backing up from You because I didn't want the internal struggle of flesh verses Holy! But as I told one of my children last night, I would rather be lame and Holy than worldly and popular. Help me be a strong example to my children, especially to my girls of how You want Your daughters to look and act. Stoke my heart's fire for you so that my love for You is evident in my every word, action and thought towards my children. Protect my children from the enemy! Bind him from our home. We belong to You and we will have children who love You and live for Your kingdom purposes! Thank you for your promise that Your Word never returns void. Thank you for the assurance that even as my daughters study Your word in the morning and by afternoon seem to have forgotten it, I know the Truth that You will use those seeds in their lives! Holy Spirit, speak to me words of wisdom as I deal with each of these situations with my children. Give me words of love and discipline that lead them to You and not push them away from me and You. In Jesus Name ~Amen!
Honestly, how do people parent without the wisdom of the Holy Spirit? So thankful for my relationship with God as we walk this journey called parenting! Can't imagine how badly I would mess it up without Him!
"I am no longer in the world; and yet they themselves are in the world...and the world has hated them, because they are not of this word, even as I am not of the world." John 11,14
Over the years, my struggle with the "in but not of it" truth has evolved. In my early years, especially in my legalistic thinking, it was a statement of arrogance. "I'm not one of them" I am among them because I have to be, but I am not "of " them! Reading it in full context, that is most definitely NOT what Jesus is talking about! He is talking about love, NOT pride!
Then my struggle evolved to the riches part of the world. This was particularly a struggle when we first started working in Africa. I felt guilty for having a home with running water and electricity. I felt guilty for having food on my table and a steady income. I have to live in this world because Jesus left us here, but I am not to be "of" it. What exactly does "of" it mean?! Does it mean I shouldn't embrace any of its luxuries or benefits? Does it mean I can't have fun? Does it mean I sit in solemn studious stature and meditate on The Word? As I've learned more of The Word and more of God's character, I can definitely say no to those as well! As far as enjoying the luxuries the world has to offer, well, I still struggle with that! I know the answer is in balance. But where is that balance?
I am finding my struggle with the "in" it but not "of" it has intensified the last few weeks. It has become quite an internal struggle as well, in myself, but also in my family, meaning with me, John and the kids. If you want to know how much of a bubble you have been in, bring in an older child who has seen, heard and experienced things that no child should! While I hear my friends talk about how much they are shielding their children from "the world", I realize I have brought "the world" in to live in my home. Please don't misunderstand that statement. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Isabella is meant to be in our home, and I am so thankful every day that God delivered me from fear so that I could take this journey and say yes to adding her to our family. She is AMAZING! Truly, amazing!
But by no fault of her own, she has not only been in the world, but she has been all about the world! What motivates her, what makes her happy, her interaction with friends and others, it is all wrapped in the lies of this world. It is all based on the lies spewed by the Father of Lies who rules this earth. It is based on the things that will kill, steal and destroy! But he is a master liar! He makes it all look so good. I am finding it so difficult to "argue" with what satan makes look so appealing.
I know the Truth! I know where the low road will lead and where the high road will lead. But I also know that I can't make the decision to take the high road for any of my children! Oh that I could!
I can "make" my children obey my rules! I can take away all privileges until they get the picture that it is my way or they highway! I am not a parent who will ever say as many did to me when I was teaching 6th grade, "I've tried everything and nothing seems to work." I know how to get their attention. However, I don't want to just get their attention, I want to transform their heart!
You see, I can make them act the way I want them to, but that truly is not my goal! My goal is to build warriors for God's kingdom. That means they have to understand the cost and choose to do it anyway. That means that somewhere in side of themselves, they have to value the ways of God over the ways of this world. Somewhere inside of them they have to understand that what looks like denying themselves pleasure or what looks like hard right now, in the end will bring more pleasure than anything this world has to offer and will make life easier!
But how to do I get them there, especially one who has been soaked in the world for 15 years, and I have a short 3 to totally turn it around? It makes my head and heart hurt!
As I sit down to spend time with God today, that is my question for Him. What now? Honeymoon is over, and real life is here. What boundaries do I put in place to keep my children safe even if they don't understand, and what freedoms do I give because too many boundaries will only produce rebellion. I love Karyn Purvis' analogy of the horse. You pull back on the reigns slightly and they stop. You pull back a little harder and they back up. You pull back even harder and they buck! I need some stopping and some backing up, but bucking is not proving to be beneficial!
God, I'm here again with the same question for different reasons! How do I teach my children to have a heart for you? When the world is so tempting, how do I keep their eyes on you? How do I take my daughter who has been taught all the wrong ways and show her the right ways without crushing her? How hard do I push? When do I back off? God, I ask forgiveness for avoiding You myself and backing up from You because I didn't want the internal struggle of flesh verses Holy! But as I told one of my children last night, I would rather be lame and Holy than worldly and popular. Help me be a strong example to my children, especially to my girls of how You want Your daughters to look and act. Stoke my heart's fire for you so that my love for You is evident in my every word, action and thought towards my children. Protect my children from the enemy! Bind him from our home. We belong to You and we will have children who love You and live for Your kingdom purposes! Thank you for your promise that Your Word never returns void. Thank you for the assurance that even as my daughters study Your word in the morning and by afternoon seem to have forgotten it, I know the Truth that You will use those seeds in their lives! Holy Spirit, speak to me words of wisdom as I deal with each of these situations with my children. Give me words of love and discipline that lead them to You and not push them away from me and You. In Jesus Name ~Amen!
Honestly, how do people parent without the wisdom of the Holy Spirit? So thankful for my relationship with God as we walk this journey called parenting! Can't imagine how badly I would mess it up without Him!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Parenting children from hard places
We've entered a new realm. Parenting children from hard places, even when you have had them since birth, is becoming more and more challenging as these children grow older. But I'm finding the challenge isn't them as much as it is me!
We had an interesting experience today. It was a first. It took me off guard. I didn't handle it like I wish I would have. I know many of you will find this hard to believe, but I was way too passive! I would have said way more if I had not been in shock at the time.
But there is fall out from the incident. Fall out that we as a family have to address. It's not fun! It puts me in a place where I have to deny my child the excuse of his/her past. I find myself saying over and over these days (with more than one child) that I know where you came from, but I am more concerned with where you are going. I know what they hear is that I don't love them because they don't care how hard it has been or still is. When what I am saying is, I love you so much I want better for you! When I want to sit and cry with them and just hold them and tell them I'm sorry and I don't want things to be hard for them anymore! Instead, I have to push them to try harder. I have to push them to overcome. Which in its own way is once again making life hard for them. It seems like a vicious circle. It's not that I don't care! It's that I care so much!
I remember watching an interview one time with the mother of a then adult woman who was missing her arms. She had lost them in an electrical accident as a young child. I remember the mother talking about how right after the accident her husband and she knew that they couldn't give into the disability. They had to be strong to make her strong. She talked about watching their daughter trying to do ordinary things and failing time and time again. But the mother didn't jump in and do them for her. Instead, she would leave the room and lock herself in her room and cry and scream because her daughter was struggling! Her daughter never knew this until she was an adult. But because the mother and father had chosen to allow the daughter to learn to deal with her disability without making excuses or even accommodations for it in most instances, the woman with no arms was a fully functioning member of society.
I don't have children with missing body parts, but I have children with missing heart parts! I feel like that mother right now. I can't allow them to use their missing heart parts as a disability...life won't care that they had a rough start! They have to learn how to successfully navigate life regardless of their start! But I find myself more and more wanting to go in my closet and scream and kick and cry out to God, "WHY?!!!! WHY did you not let them grow in my womb?! Why must they have suffered the way they did in the beginning?! Why do I have to clean up the mess that other adults have left in their lives?"
I know I will never know why! We live in a fallen world. Yes, God is sovereign. He could have stopped all the bad things that happened to each of them with the wiggle of His nose. But He didn't. I will never understand that in my human inability to understand God's ways. But I also know it breaks His heart just as much as it does mine! He grieves their losses more than even I as their momma does. My job...well, my job is to teach them that about Him! My biggest fear in parenting these children is that when they really deal with all that has happened, they will turn their back on God because He could have stopped it.
How do I teach them, Lord? How do I teach them the agape love that you have for them despite what has happened to them? How do I teach them to value character over comfort? How do I teach them in this selfish society to value Your worthiness to receive honor over their "rights"?
I wish they understood how much I feel their pain, but because I love them more than life itself, I can't stay in the pain - and I can't let them stay there either! God has placed them in our home because He desires far more beyond all they could think or ask of Him (Eph 3:20-21). My daily prayer is that I will find the appropriate balance between love and expectation to put them on the path out of their past and into the future full of hope and prosperity that God promises them in Jeremiah 29:11. Today I don't think I did that. Today I think I failed. I will apologize. I will ask forgiveness. I will get up in the morning and start a new day with new mercies and try to do better.
But one thing is for sure. No matter how hard. No matter how many times I may think I am in over my head, I wouldn't miss out on this journey with any of these children for the world! They are so worth it! I'm just not sure why God entrusted such amazing little people to a wreck like me! But this wreck will fight every day of her life to be all that God intends for me to be in the lives of these, His children!
We had an interesting experience today. It was a first. It took me off guard. I didn't handle it like I wish I would have. I know many of you will find this hard to believe, but I was way too passive! I would have said way more if I had not been in shock at the time.
But there is fall out from the incident. Fall out that we as a family have to address. It's not fun! It puts me in a place where I have to deny my child the excuse of his/her past. I find myself saying over and over these days (with more than one child) that I know where you came from, but I am more concerned with where you are going. I know what they hear is that I don't love them because they don't care how hard it has been or still is. When what I am saying is, I love you so much I want better for you! When I want to sit and cry with them and just hold them and tell them I'm sorry and I don't want things to be hard for them anymore! Instead, I have to push them to try harder. I have to push them to overcome. Which in its own way is once again making life hard for them. It seems like a vicious circle. It's not that I don't care! It's that I care so much!
I remember watching an interview one time with the mother of a then adult woman who was missing her arms. She had lost them in an electrical accident as a young child. I remember the mother talking about how right after the accident her husband and she knew that they couldn't give into the disability. They had to be strong to make her strong. She talked about watching their daughter trying to do ordinary things and failing time and time again. But the mother didn't jump in and do them for her. Instead, she would leave the room and lock herself in her room and cry and scream because her daughter was struggling! Her daughter never knew this until she was an adult. But because the mother and father had chosen to allow the daughter to learn to deal with her disability without making excuses or even accommodations for it in most instances, the woman with no arms was a fully functioning member of society.
I don't have children with missing body parts, but I have children with missing heart parts! I feel like that mother right now. I can't allow them to use their missing heart parts as a disability...life won't care that they had a rough start! They have to learn how to successfully navigate life regardless of their start! But I find myself more and more wanting to go in my closet and scream and kick and cry out to God, "WHY?!!!! WHY did you not let them grow in my womb?! Why must they have suffered the way they did in the beginning?! Why do I have to clean up the mess that other adults have left in their lives?"
I know I will never know why! We live in a fallen world. Yes, God is sovereign. He could have stopped all the bad things that happened to each of them with the wiggle of His nose. But He didn't. I will never understand that in my human inability to understand God's ways. But I also know it breaks His heart just as much as it does mine! He grieves their losses more than even I as their momma does. My job...well, my job is to teach them that about Him! My biggest fear in parenting these children is that when they really deal with all that has happened, they will turn their back on God because He could have stopped it.
How do I teach them, Lord? How do I teach them the agape love that you have for them despite what has happened to them? How do I teach them to value character over comfort? How do I teach them in this selfish society to value Your worthiness to receive honor over their "rights"?
I wish they understood how much I feel their pain, but because I love them more than life itself, I can't stay in the pain - and I can't let them stay there either! God has placed them in our home because He desires far more beyond all they could think or ask of Him (Eph 3:20-21). My daily prayer is that I will find the appropriate balance between love and expectation to put them on the path out of their past and into the future full of hope and prosperity that God promises them in Jeremiah 29:11. Today I don't think I did that. Today I think I failed. I will apologize. I will ask forgiveness. I will get up in the morning and start a new day with new mercies and try to do better.
But one thing is for sure. No matter how hard. No matter how many times I may think I am in over my head, I wouldn't miss out on this journey with any of these children for the world! They are so worth it! I'm just not sure why God entrusted such amazing little people to a wreck like me! But this wreck will fight every day of her life to be all that God intends for me to be in the lives of these, His children!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
The Journey: Final Hearing
Today is the final hearing for Baby Girl. Today should be the day that we know she will be ours forever. I say "should be" because you never know how these things are truly going to go. If I've learned anything from this journey with CPS, it's to never assume anything!
Last week we received a text message from Baby Girl's biological mother saying that Baby Girl would be ours forever because she was going to sign papers to terminate her rights. I didn't jump up and down like you might think. I didn't for two reasons. First, she has said she would do that before and then backed out. So until the papers are signed, I'm not getting overly confident that they will be signed. Second, even though it means the little girl who I love as my daughter will remain with me forever, it also means that a mother who carried this baby in her womb for 9 months is having to let go forever. Regardless of the circumstances, that makes me sad. It makes me sad that we live in a fallen world where parents are not always able or willing, whatever the case may be, to care for their biological children.
We have known about this court date for weeks, months really. After our last court, CPS told us they could possibly change the plan to reunification which you understand raised many alarms. I made some phone calls and was assured that all would go well and Baby Girl would remain with us. But now, the day before court, people who are key witnesses for the case still haven't received their letters to be at court. Baby Girl's attorney, who is better than most as he actually did a home visit yesterday, wasn't familiar enough with the facts of the case to really discuss the possible outcomes with us when he was here yesterday. So while I'm really not nervous about our case because God has given me confidence for months that Baby Girl would be ours in the end, I am very frustrated and border line angry that people who hold the future of a child in their hands really aren't concerned with the details that could determine where this child grows up for life! I can't help but think these children deserve better! But how do we make "better" happen?
This morning I am praying and trusting that God will have the people there who need to be there. Praying that He will give me the words I need to say when I am on the stand. I'm not excited about that part at all! This is when having a relationship with the biological family is so hard. I don't want to talk bad about her biological mother even if it is true. I don't want to damage a relationship we might have with her. There is another baby on the way. What if we could help in some way to inspire her to make permanent changes that would allow this baby to stay with her? Could what I say this morning damage that? Wasn't really thrilled that he said he would put me on the stand, but on the other hand, will do anything for my children!
This has been a trust journey from the beginning and will be to the end! So here we go! Trusting and obeying...seems to be my motto these days!
Last week we received a text message from Baby Girl's biological mother saying that Baby Girl would be ours forever because she was going to sign papers to terminate her rights. I didn't jump up and down like you might think. I didn't for two reasons. First, she has said she would do that before and then backed out. So until the papers are signed, I'm not getting overly confident that they will be signed. Second, even though it means the little girl who I love as my daughter will remain with me forever, it also means that a mother who carried this baby in her womb for 9 months is having to let go forever. Regardless of the circumstances, that makes me sad. It makes me sad that we live in a fallen world where parents are not always able or willing, whatever the case may be, to care for their biological children.
We have known about this court date for weeks, months really. After our last court, CPS told us they could possibly change the plan to reunification which you understand raised many alarms. I made some phone calls and was assured that all would go well and Baby Girl would remain with us. But now, the day before court, people who are key witnesses for the case still haven't received their letters to be at court. Baby Girl's attorney, who is better than most as he actually did a home visit yesterday, wasn't familiar enough with the facts of the case to really discuss the possible outcomes with us when he was here yesterday. So while I'm really not nervous about our case because God has given me confidence for months that Baby Girl would be ours in the end, I am very frustrated and border line angry that people who hold the future of a child in their hands really aren't concerned with the details that could determine where this child grows up for life! I can't help but think these children deserve better! But how do we make "better" happen?
This morning I am praying and trusting that God will have the people there who need to be there. Praying that He will give me the words I need to say when I am on the stand. I'm not excited about that part at all! This is when having a relationship with the biological family is so hard. I don't want to talk bad about her biological mother even if it is true. I don't want to damage a relationship we might have with her. There is another baby on the way. What if we could help in some way to inspire her to make permanent changes that would allow this baby to stay with her? Could what I say this morning damage that? Wasn't really thrilled that he said he would put me on the stand, but on the other hand, will do anything for my children!
This has been a trust journey from the beginning and will be to the end! So here we go! Trusting and obeying...seems to be my motto these days!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Gifts for Service
Each of you has been blessed with one of God's many wonderful gifts to be used in the service of others. So use your gift well. 1 Peter 4:10 CEV
God took me to this verse last night. It was one of those times He has me pick up a book that I haven't picked up in awhile and read something only to find a verse that hit exactly where I am struggling! Love it when He does that! Reminds me how personal He is and that He cares about me - and you - as an individual and not just one of his ants in the army!
While this verse is encouraging, it is also very challenging for me these days...which is why I was seeking God in the first place!
You see, I am in one of those places where I know the direction God has given. I really have not doubt. I can say I need to pray more, but it would just be an excuse to procrastinate on obedience! I know God is telling me to get busy on the agency. He is telling me to get the policies written for the domestic program to start. Every time I start questioning whether I need to do that right now, He brings another friend struggling to adopt through the system or another situation where I know we could help if we had our license. I wrestle with God saying now can't be the time! I have 6 kids and am expecting number 7! I have NEVER done the working mom thing very well as I refuse to put my kids in day care. Just a personal conviction, I pass no judgement here! In fact, sometimes I admire people who do that and are devoted to their job! But then I admire the moms who have nothing to distract them from mommy duties like baking cookies or playing board games! I am finding that I am an all or nothing type person. That doesn't work very well for a working-stay-at-home-mother! I don't do well with schedules. I've never been organized, just an organized-want-a-be. I don't do well with boundaries, especially where people are concerned. I'm not a very good self-starter. And to top it all off, I feel totally inadequate to run an agency.
Those don't make for a very good executive director! But this scripture reminds me that God has gifted me! When I read it last night, it was as if He was speaking to me in an audible voice! "HollyAnn, I have giving you gifts. You have knowledge that can be of service to others as they walk the path of adoption I am calling them to. I didn't give you these gifts to puff you up, make you rich or famous, but I gave them to you so that you can serve my people as they answer me and walk in obedience." That got me excited! Too bad it happened at 10 when I knew I needed to go to bed!
However, it carried over to this morning! It's time to quit belly-aching about what God is asking me to do and time to walk in obedience! Time to quit comparing myself to those around me as God has a different calling for them than He does me...that's how THE BODY works! If we were all a big toe, The Body would be really crippled and non-functioning! Time to put he self-doubt behind me. Time to let this scripture move me to action!
Lately, I haven't been motivated to do much of anything. This pregnancy is kicking my tail! I am now in my second trimester which is supposed to be the best, right?! WRONG! As soon as the second trimester came, the nausea double, the fatigue tripled and my blood pressure shot up! After multiple trips to the doctor and several reminders of my "advanced maternal age" - ughhhh - I think we have these things under control. If I cross your mind, would you pray for my physical health. It is really hard to get motivated to do anything when you are so nauseous that moving makes you think you will throw up! Then I get frustrated, then depressed and it just seems to be one big cycle! I wonder how much of it is a spiritual attack. I don't want to look for a demon under every rock as the saying goes, but I also know how much the enemy has to lose if I get my act together and have and agency ready to think outside the box to serve families and children to bring them together for His kingdom work. I must do battle! I must put on my armor and fight to do more than just stay alive....I must cling to scriptures like 1 Peter 4:10 and Ephesians 3:20-21 and fight back with the enemy so that he knows whose boss!
So for today, I will set a schedule that will allow me to work! There will be set times that will be dedicated to the agency. Even if that means evenings when John is home or the Fridays that he is off, God will show the way!
I would covet your prayers! This is totally out of my comfort zone! The last time I worked the agency part-full time we only had four children. We closed the orphanage right after Madison came. Mothering 6, carrying one, and trying to build a program brings all new challenges, but God has called, so God will equip! He has proven Himself faithful in that area to me time and again, so I should not doubt He will do it again! I just have to get back in the saddle and ride! Yee-Haw! :)
God took me to this verse last night. It was one of those times He has me pick up a book that I haven't picked up in awhile and read something only to find a verse that hit exactly where I am struggling! Love it when He does that! Reminds me how personal He is and that He cares about me - and you - as an individual and not just one of his ants in the army!
While this verse is encouraging, it is also very challenging for me these days...which is why I was seeking God in the first place!
You see, I am in one of those places where I know the direction God has given. I really have not doubt. I can say I need to pray more, but it would just be an excuse to procrastinate on obedience! I know God is telling me to get busy on the agency. He is telling me to get the policies written for the domestic program to start. Every time I start questioning whether I need to do that right now, He brings another friend struggling to adopt through the system or another situation where I know we could help if we had our license. I wrestle with God saying now can't be the time! I have 6 kids and am expecting number 7! I have NEVER done the working mom thing very well as I refuse to put my kids in day care. Just a personal conviction, I pass no judgement here! In fact, sometimes I admire people who do that and are devoted to their job! But then I admire the moms who have nothing to distract them from mommy duties like baking cookies or playing board games! I am finding that I am an all or nothing type person. That doesn't work very well for a working-stay-at-home-mother! I don't do well with schedules. I've never been organized, just an organized-want-a-be. I don't do well with boundaries, especially where people are concerned. I'm not a very good self-starter. And to top it all off, I feel totally inadequate to run an agency.
Those don't make for a very good executive director! But this scripture reminds me that God has gifted me! When I read it last night, it was as if He was speaking to me in an audible voice! "HollyAnn, I have giving you gifts. You have knowledge that can be of service to others as they walk the path of adoption I am calling them to. I didn't give you these gifts to puff you up, make you rich or famous, but I gave them to you so that you can serve my people as they answer me and walk in obedience." That got me excited! Too bad it happened at 10 when I knew I needed to go to bed!
However, it carried over to this morning! It's time to quit belly-aching about what God is asking me to do and time to walk in obedience! Time to quit comparing myself to those around me as God has a different calling for them than He does me...that's how THE BODY works! If we were all a big toe, The Body would be really crippled and non-functioning! Time to put he self-doubt behind me. Time to let this scripture move me to action!
Lately, I haven't been motivated to do much of anything. This pregnancy is kicking my tail! I am now in my second trimester which is supposed to be the best, right?! WRONG! As soon as the second trimester came, the nausea double, the fatigue tripled and my blood pressure shot up! After multiple trips to the doctor and several reminders of my "advanced maternal age" - ughhhh - I think we have these things under control. If I cross your mind, would you pray for my physical health. It is really hard to get motivated to do anything when you are so nauseous that moving makes you think you will throw up! Then I get frustrated, then depressed and it just seems to be one big cycle! I wonder how much of it is a spiritual attack. I don't want to look for a demon under every rock as the saying goes, but I also know how much the enemy has to lose if I get my act together and have and agency ready to think outside the box to serve families and children to bring them together for His kingdom work. I must do battle! I must put on my armor and fight to do more than just stay alive....I must cling to scriptures like 1 Peter 4:10 and Ephesians 3:20-21 and fight back with the enemy so that he knows whose boss!
So for today, I will set a schedule that will allow me to work! There will be set times that will be dedicated to the agency. Even if that means evenings when John is home or the Fridays that he is off, God will show the way!
I would covet your prayers! This is totally out of my comfort zone! The last time I worked the agency part-full time we only had four children. We closed the orphanage right after Madison came. Mothering 6, carrying one, and trying to build a program brings all new challenges, but God has called, so God will equip! He has proven Himself faithful in that area to me time and again, so I should not doubt He will do it again! I just have to get back in the saddle and ride! Yee-Haw! :)
Friday, December 31, 2010
Good Bye 2010, Hello 2011!!
I love new year! I love that God's mercies are new EVERY morning, but the new year just seems to provide a time when I allow myself to wipe the slate clean and have a new beginning on the things God is calling to that I seem to fail continually to complete!
I have a confession! Over the past month or two, I have sat down with God for intentional quiet time very few times. I've missed it for sure! But I seemed to be in a slump! I don't know why as over the past year, God has truly been my life line and best friend! I have learned to rely on and trust Him in new ways I never have before! Part of my problem as been having the two babies and the nausea from the pregnancy. But if I had been focused on spending time, I would have found a way even with those obstacles.
As God has called me back to Himself, even the random devotion I did yesterday was on focus! God has just shown me over and over this year how personal He is! That He will meet me right where I am, wherever that is. I love that about my God! Even after a month plus of avoiding Him, the first time I sit down to meet with Him He provides a gentle reminder that I need to stay focused on Him to accomplish the plans He has for me...plans that are for my good and not my harm (Jeremiah 29:11), and plans that have far more for me than I can possibly hope or imagine (Eph 3:20-21).
As I sat down this morning to look back over this year, I am so pleased that I can look back on it with a smile! For the first time in probably five years, I can look back over the year coming to a close and see God's provision and love like never before. He was there all those other years as well, but in my immaturity, I couldn't see it past circumstances to Him. At the beginning of 2010, God gave me John 15:1-11 as our family scripture for the year. He has made good on His promises from these verses this year! I remember the thing that drew me to that scripture was the part on joy. I had lost my joy. Life was so hard and I couldn't find a reason to smile or see any "abundant" in my life. So I started asking God to restore to me the joy of His salvation, and as He promises, He answered my prayer! It is amazing to me to look at January of this year and now. Really, none of my circumstances have changed, in fact, many have become worse (finances are more difficult with 6 instead of 4 children, marriage is stressed more with 6 instead of 4 children, daily life is more hectic with 6 instead of 4 children, everything is harder when I'm fighting nausea most of the time and the fatigue of pregnancy...not to mention the thoughts of how to add one more to our lives, etc, etc) but I have my joy back! Praise God, He has restored my joy! He has taught me how to have joy in Him...He never changes. So no matter what my circumstances are, my joy can be complete in Him! I'm still a work in progress, but it is so cool to look and see how God has worked on my inside this year to teach me His Truths!
As I look forward to 2011, I have to say, it is with some trepidation! God has already made clear to me some of the plans He has for me, and frankly, they seem impossible! But the Holy Spirit quickly reminds me that ALL things are possible IN HIM! That IN HIM part is the key!
As I sat down this morning, I kind of thought God would "punish" my lack of meeting with Him and not give me my yearly scriptures that I like to have at the beginning of the year. I should know better by now! God is not about withholding Himself from us! He wants to reveal Himself to us and will do so ANY TIME we agree to meet with Him and open ourselves up to what He has to say! Like the faithful Father He is, He brought two scriptures to mind the minute I sat down to journal and ask Him what I needed to focus on for 2011. The P-tree family scriptures for 2011 will be Luke 16:10-13 and Ephesians 3:16-21. There are lots of exciting promises in these scriptures, but there are also many responsibilities for me and John as we walk in Christ!
I can't wait to see what 2011 brings. I have a feeling that once again, God is going to be asking me to stretch myself in ways I never dreamed were possible! The one I already know is that He is asking me to go back to work. That will have to be a post for another time as the turmoil that one thing alone brings in my inner woman is enough to write a book! But as I argue with God, not recommended by the way, He only says, trust and obey! Hard to argue with those two words coming from the One who made me and holds the world in His hands!
My prayer for all of you is that 2011 brings you closer to Jesus than you are today. I pray that God will stretch you in ways that reveal His character to you in ways you can't miss! That is what He did for us in 2010, and I pray He does it again in 2011! One thing for sure, this ride we call "Walking with God" is never dull!!!!
Happy New Year Blog World Friends!
I have a confession! Over the past month or two, I have sat down with God for intentional quiet time very few times. I've missed it for sure! But I seemed to be in a slump! I don't know why as over the past year, God has truly been my life line and best friend! I have learned to rely on and trust Him in new ways I never have before! Part of my problem as been having the two babies and the nausea from the pregnancy. But if I had been focused on spending time, I would have found a way even with those obstacles.
As God has called me back to Himself, even the random devotion I did yesterday was on focus! God has just shown me over and over this year how personal He is! That He will meet me right where I am, wherever that is. I love that about my God! Even after a month plus of avoiding Him, the first time I sit down to meet with Him He provides a gentle reminder that I need to stay focused on Him to accomplish the plans He has for me...plans that are for my good and not my harm (Jeremiah 29:11), and plans that have far more for me than I can possibly hope or imagine (Eph 3:20-21).
As I sat down this morning to look back over this year, I am so pleased that I can look back on it with a smile! For the first time in probably five years, I can look back over the year coming to a close and see God's provision and love like never before. He was there all those other years as well, but in my immaturity, I couldn't see it past circumstances to Him. At the beginning of 2010, God gave me John 15:1-11 as our family scripture for the year. He has made good on His promises from these verses this year! I remember the thing that drew me to that scripture was the part on joy. I had lost my joy. Life was so hard and I couldn't find a reason to smile or see any "abundant" in my life. So I started asking God to restore to me the joy of His salvation, and as He promises, He answered my prayer! It is amazing to me to look at January of this year and now. Really, none of my circumstances have changed, in fact, many have become worse (finances are more difficult with 6 instead of 4 children, marriage is stressed more with 6 instead of 4 children, daily life is more hectic with 6 instead of 4 children, everything is harder when I'm fighting nausea most of the time and the fatigue of pregnancy...not to mention the thoughts of how to add one more to our lives, etc, etc) but I have my joy back! Praise God, He has restored my joy! He has taught me how to have joy in Him...He never changes. So no matter what my circumstances are, my joy can be complete in Him! I'm still a work in progress, but it is so cool to look and see how God has worked on my inside this year to teach me His Truths!
As I look forward to 2011, I have to say, it is with some trepidation! God has already made clear to me some of the plans He has for me, and frankly, they seem impossible! But the Holy Spirit quickly reminds me that ALL things are possible IN HIM! That IN HIM part is the key!
As I sat down this morning, I kind of thought God would "punish" my lack of meeting with Him and not give me my yearly scriptures that I like to have at the beginning of the year. I should know better by now! God is not about withholding Himself from us! He wants to reveal Himself to us and will do so ANY TIME we agree to meet with Him and open ourselves up to what He has to say! Like the faithful Father He is, He brought two scriptures to mind the minute I sat down to journal and ask Him what I needed to focus on for 2011. The P-tree family scriptures for 2011 will be Luke 16:10-13 and Ephesians 3:16-21. There are lots of exciting promises in these scriptures, but there are also many responsibilities for me and John as we walk in Christ!
I can't wait to see what 2011 brings. I have a feeling that once again, God is going to be asking me to stretch myself in ways I never dreamed were possible! The one I already know is that He is asking me to go back to work. That will have to be a post for another time as the turmoil that one thing alone brings in my inner woman is enough to write a book! But as I argue with God, not recommended by the way, He only says, trust and obey! Hard to argue with those two words coming from the One who made me and holds the world in His hands!
My prayer for all of you is that 2011 brings you closer to Jesus than you are today. I pray that God will stretch you in ways that reveal His character to you in ways you can't miss! That is what He did for us in 2010, and I pray He does it again in 2011! One thing for sure, this ride we call "Walking with God" is never dull!!!!
Happy New Year Blog World Friends!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
The Journey: Good Bye Foster System!
I just can't seem to keep up on the blog! Sorry blog readers! But I eventually get around to posting! :)
We had an amazing Christmas! But the thing that was most amazing occurred on Christmas Eve. About 1:00 on Christmas Eve the doorbell rang with a surprise for Princess M, the 15 year old we are adopting. She was placed as foster because we wanted her here asap! That doorbell was the workers from CPS and Buckner coming to give her a great Christmas surprise! We signed papers that moved her from foster care to adoptive placement! It was just a few papers, but to her it was the world! It meant that she was no longer in the foster system! She has a home, a permanent home! We all cried!
We bought her a suitcase and left it with her when we met her so that she could have something to move her stuff here in. Little did we know it would have taken 15 suitcases to move all her stuff! But the suitcase was something God had told me to do when we first committed to her. After we signed papers, I told her to go get it. She looked at me funny and said she had things in it. I told her we would find new places for those things and to get it. While she went to get the suitcase, I went to get the utility knives. When she came back, we destroyed that suitcase! We wanted her to have a visual reminder that she is never moving again! At least not out of the family...maybe to college or her own place, but not because she has to! It was a pretty neat experience!
Princess M has said from the beginning that she wants to change her name. She doesn't just want a last name change, but a whole name change. We have let her take the lead in this as we were not opposed to her first or middle name, but kind of like the idea of changing them just as God changed many names in the Bible when they started a new life! We have had a few discussions about names since she came to us. God was gracious and provided a name that we could all agree on (it wasn't looking like that would happen for a while! A fifteen year old trying to name themselves for life can be challenging!) We had agreed on Isabella. We all like the sound of it, then when I looked up the meaning, I loved it even more! It means God's promise or God's oath! But we had yet to come up with a middle name. She had said I could pick a middle name, but I knew that was only partly true because if she didn't like it she would make that very clear! :) I had put some thought into it, but had not come up with anything. I was a little nervous the morning of the event knowing that she would want to start going by her new name, but I didn't have a middle name yet. But God, as always, provided, right no time! I was praying for her that morning and about the event that would take place. It is hugely significant for this young lady! It marks the beginning of the first day of the rest of her life. No, its not finalized, but it was huge for her that we were the first people to follow through with anything but fostering. It meant a ton to her that we would actually take that step, lose the financial benefits, etc to make her a part of our family and not just leave her as foster. It meant a ton to us because we understand the spiritual significance of adoption and what it means for her to truly be ours! As I prayed, God brought the name Ruth. I mean no offense to any Ruth's out there, but that has never been my favorite name. I like it, but its not one that I jump up and down for, you know. But I felt a definite urging that Ruth was to be her middle name. I have a name app on my phone since we are still picking baby names, so I looked it up. Immediately I knew Ruth was to be her name and I LOVED it! Wasn't sure how to convince her of it, but told God He would have to make her love it like I did! Through my tears, I read on my phone, "Ruth was the young moabite woman who said to her Hebrew mother-in-law Naomi "Where you go, there I shall go also; your people will be my people, your God, my God"." That was it! One of the biggest struggles we have had with adopting an older child is learning what she needs to pick up of us and what we need to let her keep of her old life. It has been a challenge at times for all of us! Even parts of her past she doesn't like, she wants to cling to because it is familiar and all she knows. Just like all of us! But we know without a doubt the main reason God has her in our home is because He has plans for her that require her to know our God! She needs to know the God who saves, the God who redeems, the God who loves her enough to rescue her not only from eternal damnation but from her worldly circumstances as well! My biggest fear and thus my biggest prayer since she has come is that we will not give her enough of this God in the three years we have until she can leave us to make her cling to "our God" the way she needs to in order to live her life for Him! So it was settled...her name would be Ruth, and my prayer would be that she will say as the Ruth of the Bible did - "My people are your people and my God your God!"
I just love that I serve a God who is not some big guy out there somewhere! He is so personal that He named my daughter! He is so personal that He speaks to us about any and everything, no matter how tiny we think it may be! Thank you, God!
Oh, and when I told her the story behing Ruth, she loved it just as much as I did and she has told all her friends where it came from! I love hearing her tell them! She lights up when she says it means she has a new beginning! She is so awesome!
We still can't show pictures, will be posting many in about 4 months when the adoption is consummated, but we can now use her name since it is changed! Our oldest daughter is Isabella Ruth Petree, Izzy to her friends! And she is even more beautiful and amazing than her name!
We had an amazing Christmas! But the thing that was most amazing occurred on Christmas Eve. About 1:00 on Christmas Eve the doorbell rang with a surprise for Princess M, the 15 year old we are adopting. She was placed as foster because we wanted her here asap! That doorbell was the workers from CPS and Buckner coming to give her a great Christmas surprise! We signed papers that moved her from foster care to adoptive placement! It was just a few papers, but to her it was the world! It meant that she was no longer in the foster system! She has a home, a permanent home! We all cried!
We bought her a suitcase and left it with her when we met her so that she could have something to move her stuff here in. Little did we know it would have taken 15 suitcases to move all her stuff! But the suitcase was something God had told me to do when we first committed to her. After we signed papers, I told her to go get it. She looked at me funny and said she had things in it. I told her we would find new places for those things and to get it. While she went to get the suitcase, I went to get the utility knives. When she came back, we destroyed that suitcase! We wanted her to have a visual reminder that she is never moving again! At least not out of the family...maybe to college or her own place, but not because she has to! It was a pretty neat experience!
Princess M has said from the beginning that she wants to change her name. She doesn't just want a last name change, but a whole name change. We have let her take the lead in this as we were not opposed to her first or middle name, but kind of like the idea of changing them just as God changed many names in the Bible when they started a new life! We have had a few discussions about names since she came to us. God was gracious and provided a name that we could all agree on (it wasn't looking like that would happen for a while! A fifteen year old trying to name themselves for life can be challenging!) We had agreed on Isabella. We all like the sound of it, then when I looked up the meaning, I loved it even more! It means God's promise or God's oath! But we had yet to come up with a middle name. She had said I could pick a middle name, but I knew that was only partly true because if she didn't like it she would make that very clear! :) I had put some thought into it, but had not come up with anything. I was a little nervous the morning of the event knowing that she would want to start going by her new name, but I didn't have a middle name yet. But God, as always, provided, right no time! I was praying for her that morning and about the event that would take place. It is hugely significant for this young lady! It marks the beginning of the first day of the rest of her life. No, its not finalized, but it was huge for her that we were the first people to follow through with anything but fostering. It meant a ton to her that we would actually take that step, lose the financial benefits, etc to make her a part of our family and not just leave her as foster. It meant a ton to us because we understand the spiritual significance of adoption and what it means for her to truly be ours! As I prayed, God brought the name Ruth. I mean no offense to any Ruth's out there, but that has never been my favorite name. I like it, but its not one that I jump up and down for, you know. But I felt a definite urging that Ruth was to be her middle name. I have a name app on my phone since we are still picking baby names, so I looked it up. Immediately I knew Ruth was to be her name and I LOVED it! Wasn't sure how to convince her of it, but told God He would have to make her love it like I did! Through my tears, I read on my phone, "Ruth was the young moabite woman who said to her Hebrew mother-in-law Naomi "Where you go, there I shall go also; your people will be my people, your God, my God"." That was it! One of the biggest struggles we have had with adopting an older child is learning what she needs to pick up of us and what we need to let her keep of her old life. It has been a challenge at times for all of us! Even parts of her past she doesn't like, she wants to cling to because it is familiar and all she knows. Just like all of us! But we know without a doubt the main reason God has her in our home is because He has plans for her that require her to know our God! She needs to know the God who saves, the God who redeems, the God who loves her enough to rescue her not only from eternal damnation but from her worldly circumstances as well! My biggest fear and thus my biggest prayer since she has come is that we will not give her enough of this God in the three years we have until she can leave us to make her cling to "our God" the way she needs to in order to live her life for Him! So it was settled...her name would be Ruth, and my prayer would be that she will say as the Ruth of the Bible did - "My people are your people and my God your God!"
I just love that I serve a God who is not some big guy out there somewhere! He is so personal that He named my daughter! He is so personal that He speaks to us about any and everything, no matter how tiny we think it may be! Thank you, God!
Oh, and when I told her the story behing Ruth, she loved it just as much as I did and she has told all her friends where it came from! I love hearing her tell them! She lights up when she says it means she has a new beginning! She is so awesome!
We still can't show pictures, will be posting many in about 4 months when the adoption is consummated, but we can now use her name since it is changed! Our oldest daughter is Isabella Ruth Petree, Izzy to her friends! And she is even more beautiful and amazing than her name!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
God's Economy
Seems like I don't have time for reflecting on much of anything these days! But lately, God has really been speaking to me about His economy! I have always hated money. Seems like we never have enough and seems like it is a a barrier to so much that we long to do...even good stuff! But I have a friend who of mine talks often of God's economy. And this year, I have learned to live in God's economy and have found it is the highest drawing savings account that exists!
The end of the year is always a time of reflection as we bring one year to a close and look ahead to what the next year might bring. As I reflect over this year, the most obvious thing to turn to is the fact that we have added 4 children (and lost one as B-man went to live with a new foster family) in the course of this year. The only word for adding 4 children to your family in a year is UN-NATURAL! Ok, maybe another word would fit also - BLESSED!
But as many of you know, kids are not cheap! They have needs and expenses. Three of our kiddos came with some financial support. Fostering is not really that much of a financial burden as the state reimburses you through the daily stipend. So I can't say that we have felt a financial burden to a large degree even with adding three children. However, as we transfer from foster to adoption with two of them and look at paying for a baby delivery and adding that baby to the monthly bills, I have to confess I have had a few moments of intense anxiety!
That is what started the reflection!
Yes, we added three kids, and we also lost my salary! When we turned the orphanage over to LifeSong, I stopped taking any kind of salary from Addy's Hope because there were no funds to support the salary. I also wasn't working as much obviously since I wasn't having to pound the pavement looking for donations or trying to run an orphanage from half a world away.
God provided for us in a huge way during that transition by John receiving a huge promotion (he is now second in command at the service center) and my grandfather passed away leaving my parents his inheritance which they graciously shared a portion with my brother and I. We were able to use this lump sum to pay down our debt so that we had manageable monthly bills. I still look back at the timing of all that with awe! It all happened at exactly the right time. The exact month we stopped receiving my salary, John's kicked in! That has to be God!
But the miracles don't stop there! God's economy is like everything else God does, it doesn't make sense! You cannot look at it with earthly eyes and make any sense of it.
With the addition of our children, we found we needed a bigger car. John was (and still isn't) anywhere close to driving a 12 passenger van. Plus those suckers are EXPENSIVE!!!! At least the conversion ones that are safer than the church van style. We started praying about what to do as we were very torn with having to take two cars everywhere. That is not conducive for family life, or the gas budget! We drove by a Suburban parked in a lot for sale. I told John let's look at it! That in itself had to be the Holy Spirit because I HATE buying cars!!! We drove over to it and I couldn't believe when I looked in the windows...it had bench seats in the front and middle row, so it was a Suburban that seated nine!!!! We have been doing Dave Ramsey this year and really wanted to pay cash for our next car. We were no where even close to that, so should we buy it? Ramsey would say no. But John and I both felt God was saying it was the car He had for us. We did have to take out a loan to get it, but the car was in amazingly good condition for how old it is and was priced below value AND came with a transferable warranty so when anything breaks, we are not out any money to fix it! Doesn't get any better than that on a used car! We started praying about what to do with our Honda Odyssey. We had talked even months before that we would love to be able to give it to a family who needed a bigger car to foster. But now we have this car loan with a car payment that we haven't had in years! So we started looking at selling it to pay down the loan. God made it clear through the next weeks that we were to give it away, not sell it and made it clear who was to be the recipient. If you know John and I, you know that I am not saying this to toot our horn, and in fact, wasn't going to put it in this post at all, except it illustrates for us how God's economy DOES NOT operate like the world! The world says we should hang on to and sell for the top dollar whatever we need to provide security. God says, obey me and you will have security like nothing else will provide! We are seeing that played out before our very lives!
I do have a confession. I kind of thought since we gave the van away, maybe a check would arrive to pay off our suburban loan. That check didn't come! BUT, what has come are little (and even some substantial) financial blessings that have provided for needs and even wants at just the right time!
I think we are pretty modest in what we buy for our children and each other for Christmas. Yes, they have plenty! I'm not trying to say we "sacrifice" in any way, but we stay under $100 for each child. So when the oldest two asked for Ipod touches for Christmas, well, the answer was obviously NO! But even with that modest budget, and trying to save all year, we were having a hard time making ends meet for Christmas. Just this month, we had an amazing Christmas blessing from Buckner where all the kids received a new set of pajamas and several other more than generous gifts! The county in Odessa where Baby Girl's case is provided Christmas presents for her, so she is taken care of. My amazing friends gave Princess M a "teen shower" where they bought our bedding needed for the transition in the girls' room and showered Princess M with not only some necessities, but many extras just to show her love! We also had a friend offer to give us beds for the girls! The blessings just can't be measured as we have learned to walk in God's economy!
One of the first "big" blows us away blessings came the week we found out we were pregnant. John went outside to fin a Lowe's gift card on the front porch. It was from "The Body of Christ!" Blew us away! And allowed us to finish up some home repairs and projects that had been on hold due to financial restraints...and had been stressing John out!
But last week, topped them all! In the course of two days, we received two envelopes with substantial amounts of cash...both from single mothers (one newly married single mom)! These are not wealthy people by any means! They reminded me of the widow's might. Here we are, a married couple with a very nice income, and we are receiving cash gifts from these single moms! Blessed, yes, but more than that, HUMBLED! You see, one of the things we have had to learn in God's economy is how to receive! I never thought that was an issue. But was God has showered us with blessings, we have had to realize that we have to be willing to humbly receive the gifts he has for us...just like we had to learn to receive His most precious gift of salvation! They don't usually come how we expect them or even in the most "comfortable" way. But that is God's economy! He uses whomever is willing! This time it was two ladies who walked in obedience and sacrifice to God and taught this mother more than I am sure they will ever know! Because in my legalistic mind, God promises to provide our needs, not our wants! But God showed us this month, that even wants can be in His provision! As long as we walk in His economy and do well with the little things He entrusts to us, He will continue to provide!
Was thinking on those things this morning and couldn't sleep. You see, I don't think we have done so well with the "little" things and am amazed that God continues to bless us! But God reminded me that he desires obedience over sacrifice! So I got out of bed and spent my time with Him this morning paying bills! You see, even paying bills can be a worshipful experience when I remember where my money comes from and Who is my provider!
I can't say that I didn't have some moments of anxiety as we look at the coming months when we will have to make the payments for the baby's delivery and we look at losing the foster stipend for Baby Girl. But God quickly quieted my Spirit with the Holy Spirit's whisper, "Do not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough trouble of it's own. We will tackle tomorrow when tomorrow gets here. I am your Provider. Trust!"
And trust Him I do! He replaced my anxiety with anticipation! I can't wait to share more miracles of how God's economy works in our home and the homes of our friends who are on this journey with us! God has brought some of the most humble and generous people I have ever met into our lives at our new church home! I can't wait to see how God uses this portion of His body to impact the world as so many of my friends continue to reach out to the least of these...and I see God working miracle after miracle in each of our lives for us to "afford" it as we navigate the world's economy all the time relying on HIS economy!
The end of the year is always a time of reflection as we bring one year to a close and look ahead to what the next year might bring. As I reflect over this year, the most obvious thing to turn to is the fact that we have added 4 children (and lost one as B-man went to live with a new foster family) in the course of this year. The only word for adding 4 children to your family in a year is UN-NATURAL! Ok, maybe another word would fit also - BLESSED!
But as many of you know, kids are not cheap! They have needs and expenses. Three of our kiddos came with some financial support. Fostering is not really that much of a financial burden as the state reimburses you through the daily stipend. So I can't say that we have felt a financial burden to a large degree even with adding three children. However, as we transfer from foster to adoption with two of them and look at paying for a baby delivery and adding that baby to the monthly bills, I have to confess I have had a few moments of intense anxiety!
That is what started the reflection!
Yes, we added three kids, and we also lost my salary! When we turned the orphanage over to LifeSong, I stopped taking any kind of salary from Addy's Hope because there were no funds to support the salary. I also wasn't working as much obviously since I wasn't having to pound the pavement looking for donations or trying to run an orphanage from half a world away.
God provided for us in a huge way during that transition by John receiving a huge promotion (he is now second in command at the service center) and my grandfather passed away leaving my parents his inheritance which they graciously shared a portion with my brother and I. We were able to use this lump sum to pay down our debt so that we had manageable monthly bills. I still look back at the timing of all that with awe! It all happened at exactly the right time. The exact month we stopped receiving my salary, John's kicked in! That has to be God!
But the miracles don't stop there! God's economy is like everything else God does, it doesn't make sense! You cannot look at it with earthly eyes and make any sense of it.
With the addition of our children, we found we needed a bigger car. John was (and still isn't) anywhere close to driving a 12 passenger van. Plus those suckers are EXPENSIVE!!!! At least the conversion ones that are safer than the church van style. We started praying about what to do as we were very torn with having to take two cars everywhere. That is not conducive for family life, or the gas budget! We drove by a Suburban parked in a lot for sale. I told John let's look at it! That in itself had to be the Holy Spirit because I HATE buying cars!!! We drove over to it and I couldn't believe when I looked in the windows...it had bench seats in the front and middle row, so it was a Suburban that seated nine!!!! We have been doing Dave Ramsey this year and really wanted to pay cash for our next car. We were no where even close to that, so should we buy it? Ramsey would say no. But John and I both felt God was saying it was the car He had for us. We did have to take out a loan to get it, but the car was in amazingly good condition for how old it is and was priced below value AND came with a transferable warranty so when anything breaks, we are not out any money to fix it! Doesn't get any better than that on a used car! We started praying about what to do with our Honda Odyssey. We had talked even months before that we would love to be able to give it to a family who needed a bigger car to foster. But now we have this car loan with a car payment that we haven't had in years! So we started looking at selling it to pay down the loan. God made it clear through the next weeks that we were to give it away, not sell it and made it clear who was to be the recipient. If you know John and I, you know that I am not saying this to toot our horn, and in fact, wasn't going to put it in this post at all, except it illustrates for us how God's economy DOES NOT operate like the world! The world says we should hang on to and sell for the top dollar whatever we need to provide security. God says, obey me and you will have security like nothing else will provide! We are seeing that played out before our very lives!
I do have a confession. I kind of thought since we gave the van away, maybe a check would arrive to pay off our suburban loan. That check didn't come! BUT, what has come are little (and even some substantial) financial blessings that have provided for needs and even wants at just the right time!
I think we are pretty modest in what we buy for our children and each other for Christmas. Yes, they have plenty! I'm not trying to say we "sacrifice" in any way, but we stay under $100 for each child. So when the oldest two asked for Ipod touches for Christmas, well, the answer was obviously NO! But even with that modest budget, and trying to save all year, we were having a hard time making ends meet for Christmas. Just this month, we had an amazing Christmas blessing from Buckner where all the kids received a new set of pajamas and several other more than generous gifts! The county in Odessa where Baby Girl's case is provided Christmas presents for her, so she is taken care of. My amazing friends gave Princess M a "teen shower" where they bought our bedding needed for the transition in the girls' room and showered Princess M with not only some necessities, but many extras just to show her love! We also had a friend offer to give us beds for the girls! The blessings just can't be measured as we have learned to walk in God's economy!
One of the first "big" blows us away blessings came the week we found out we were pregnant. John went outside to fin a Lowe's gift card on the front porch. It was from "The Body of Christ!" Blew us away! And allowed us to finish up some home repairs and projects that had been on hold due to financial restraints...and had been stressing John out!
But last week, topped them all! In the course of two days, we received two envelopes with substantial amounts of cash...both from single mothers (one newly married single mom)! These are not wealthy people by any means! They reminded me of the widow's might. Here we are, a married couple with a very nice income, and we are receiving cash gifts from these single moms! Blessed, yes, but more than that, HUMBLED! You see, one of the things we have had to learn in God's economy is how to receive! I never thought that was an issue. But was God has showered us with blessings, we have had to realize that we have to be willing to humbly receive the gifts he has for us...just like we had to learn to receive His most precious gift of salvation! They don't usually come how we expect them or even in the most "comfortable" way. But that is God's economy! He uses whomever is willing! This time it was two ladies who walked in obedience and sacrifice to God and taught this mother more than I am sure they will ever know! Because in my legalistic mind, God promises to provide our needs, not our wants! But God showed us this month, that even wants can be in His provision! As long as we walk in His economy and do well with the little things He entrusts to us, He will continue to provide!
Was thinking on those things this morning and couldn't sleep. You see, I don't think we have done so well with the "little" things and am amazed that God continues to bless us! But God reminded me that he desires obedience over sacrifice! So I got out of bed and spent my time with Him this morning paying bills! You see, even paying bills can be a worshipful experience when I remember where my money comes from and Who is my provider!
I can't say that I didn't have some moments of anxiety as we look at the coming months when we will have to make the payments for the baby's delivery and we look at losing the foster stipend for Baby Girl. But God quickly quieted my Spirit with the Holy Spirit's whisper, "Do not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough trouble of it's own. We will tackle tomorrow when tomorrow gets here. I am your Provider. Trust!"
And trust Him I do! He replaced my anxiety with anticipation! I can't wait to share more miracles of how God's economy works in our home and the homes of our friends who are on this journey with us! God has brought some of the most humble and generous people I have ever met into our lives at our new church home! I can't wait to see how God uses this portion of His body to impact the world as so many of my friends continue to reach out to the least of these...and I see God working miracle after miracle in each of our lives for us to "afford" it as we navigate the world's economy all the time relying on HIS economy!
Friday, December 17, 2010
The Journey: Saying Good-Bye
Today has been an emotional day! I am packing up B-Man's items. He is moving to a new foster home tomorrow. We knew all along that B-man would probably not be our permanently, but knowing that and the reality of letting him go are two different things!
It's all about numbers. Frustrates me. Its not that I don't totally understand, but I also am frustrated that the "system" can't look at individual cases and see what is best for a child. He is being reunited with a brother, but B-man doesn't know that is his brother. He just knows that I am his mom and my kids are his siblings. There is now way to explain to a baby that they are "foster"! We have a baby who has gone from stiff as a board when you hold him, no molding whatsoever, to a baby who hid his face in my chest last night to play peek-a-boo! We have gone from a baby who never cried to one that cries all the time. In attachment lingo that means we have a baby who has found his voice because he knows someone will hear him and respond.
I spoke to his new foster home this morning. They are wonderful. He will be loved and cared for. But it won't be me rocking him to sleep at night are sitting on the couch with him at night when he wakes up and just wants to be held! I won't get to see that smile that lights up the world anymore. I won't hear that giggle that makes even the hardest of hearts giggle with him!
We knew this day was coming ever since we started the process to adopt Princess M! We knew bringing her home would put us over the number of children for a regular foster home. Because we are a group home, we can only have 3 children ages 5 and under. We have 4. They gave us a waiver, but it expires January 7. In some ways, I know God has been preparing my heart for this day, but I don't think there is anyway to totally prepare for letting go of a child you love as your own!
His biological mom called me this morning asking me to please take the brother so that they would leave B-man here with us. I explained that we can't legally do that.
There is a chance that mom will get them back in January. So it could be that both these boys are being moved to a new placement for just a few weeks. Why? That seems ridiculous and damaging! I was ready to fight...I was ready to ask when does the child's best interest come into play? But God silenced me. For those who know me well, you know how hard it is for me not to fight an injustice! Ripping a child who has just learned to bond from the attachments he has made is an injustice!
But God sees the big picture. He knows the things I will never know. So when he told me not to fight, I began the process of letting go. Still not sure what that looks like. Thought I was doing well until today when I started packing his things. Haven't even put make up on because there is no use. The tears would wash it off.
God keeps saying, "Trust and obey, just trust and obey!" Trust. The hardest thing for me to do since Eden didn't come home! Once again I find myself saying goodbye to a child. Seems like I do that a lot! I don't care how many times I have to do it, I. DON'T. LIKE. IT.
I fell in love. I loved him like he would be with me forever. I took the risk. Was it worth it? Not on the surface! But spiritual journeys don't stop on the surface. We obeyed. We may never know "why" he was with us for three months. But we took him when God said take him. And we are letting him go when God says let him go! And I am trusting God with him. That sounds crazy that I would even question trusting God, but that is what it came down to! Do I trust that God loves him more than I ever can? Do I trust that God will fill the whole in my heart that will be there when he leaves? After years of walking in doubt, I am so grateful to say, YES! I trust God with all that!
Then there is the whole hurt of my children! All the voices that asked why we would put our kids through this come back loud and clear. None of them are happy about having to let B-man go! Ava has asked all day why he can't stay with us and why am I packing up his clothes. No matter what I say to her, she says, "But I love him!" How do you explain what you don't understand yourself to a four year old? But they have to learn to trust and obey also! Have we done them a disservice by asking them to care for a child who needed a family even though we now have to let him go? Absolutely not! They have learned to love the least of these! And I believe they are changed for eternity because of it!
I say a prayer for him with each piece of clothing I lay in the suitcase. I pray that God's plan for his life will play out to it's fullest! I pray protection over him as his future is so uncertain. I pray that he will land in a safe, permanent home where he will have the help he needs to progress normally despite his current physical delays.
I thank God that I knew this little bundle of joy that will forever be a part of our family! I thank God that he has taught me once again that he will hold my hand through good times and bad! I am thankful that he has a good home to go to and I am able to talk to them and tell them the little things about him that will make his transition (and theirs) easier!
Some have asked what I thought about fostering. Here is the part I had never had to do yet...let go! So what do I think now? I think that fostering to adopt is an amazing thing! I am so grateful for the baby girl who is in my home because of foster to adopt that will be ours forever in just a few months! But I also think that fostering just for the sake of fostering is not my calling! I am so thankful there are people who are called strictly to fostering! We need them!!! But to bring children in and work with the system just so I can let kids go and bring in other ones, is not my heart. This is killing me. I invest in children for life. To have them removed and not be able to continue to pour into them, well, it hurts. I don't like it.
Would we do it again? I've learned enough through the years to not say no! But I also know that this season of our lives is coming to a close. We have too many kids in the home to take little ones and God is calling us to serve these children in another way...through Addy's Hope. God has given us four amazing children in the past year. He is taking one. We are still blessed! But for now, our quiver is full. We will let go of B-man tomorrow and let him go into whatever God has for him in the future. And I will love on the six that will remain with the one being knit in my womb and thank God for each and every moment I get to spend with each of them! For as He continues to teach me, no matter how my children come, they are not mine, they are His! He just entrusts them to me to teach them and train them to be soldiers for His Army! When my time in their life is up, He will take them. He is sovereign. I trust that He knows what is best for each of my children. I trust that He has a bigger picture that I can't see. I trust that in some small way, our loving and letting go of B-man will bring him glory! Because really, bringing Him glory is my ultimate goal!
So good-bye, B-man! Or maybe, till later! We will forever love you and hold you close to our hearts in prayer! And I don't care what the doctors say....one day, I'm going to hear your name on a pro-football team roster! :) You prove them all wrong Big Guy! This momma will always love you and believe in you! God bless your life! I am blessed to have been a part of it...even if only for a few months!
It's all about numbers. Frustrates me. Its not that I don't totally understand, but I also am frustrated that the "system" can't look at individual cases and see what is best for a child. He is being reunited with a brother, but B-man doesn't know that is his brother. He just knows that I am his mom and my kids are his siblings. There is now way to explain to a baby that they are "foster"! We have a baby who has gone from stiff as a board when you hold him, no molding whatsoever, to a baby who hid his face in my chest last night to play peek-a-boo! We have gone from a baby who never cried to one that cries all the time. In attachment lingo that means we have a baby who has found his voice because he knows someone will hear him and respond.
I spoke to his new foster home this morning. They are wonderful. He will be loved and cared for. But it won't be me rocking him to sleep at night are sitting on the couch with him at night when he wakes up and just wants to be held! I won't get to see that smile that lights up the world anymore. I won't hear that giggle that makes even the hardest of hearts giggle with him!
We knew this day was coming ever since we started the process to adopt Princess M! We knew bringing her home would put us over the number of children for a regular foster home. Because we are a group home, we can only have 3 children ages 5 and under. We have 4. They gave us a waiver, but it expires January 7. In some ways, I know God has been preparing my heart for this day, but I don't think there is anyway to totally prepare for letting go of a child you love as your own!
His biological mom called me this morning asking me to please take the brother so that they would leave B-man here with us. I explained that we can't legally do that.
There is a chance that mom will get them back in January. So it could be that both these boys are being moved to a new placement for just a few weeks. Why? That seems ridiculous and damaging! I was ready to fight...I was ready to ask when does the child's best interest come into play? But God silenced me. For those who know me well, you know how hard it is for me not to fight an injustice! Ripping a child who has just learned to bond from the attachments he has made is an injustice!
But God sees the big picture. He knows the things I will never know. So when he told me not to fight, I began the process of letting go. Still not sure what that looks like. Thought I was doing well until today when I started packing his things. Haven't even put make up on because there is no use. The tears would wash it off.
God keeps saying, "Trust and obey, just trust and obey!" Trust. The hardest thing for me to do since Eden didn't come home! Once again I find myself saying goodbye to a child. Seems like I do that a lot! I don't care how many times I have to do it, I. DON'T. LIKE. IT.
I fell in love. I loved him like he would be with me forever. I took the risk. Was it worth it? Not on the surface! But spiritual journeys don't stop on the surface. We obeyed. We may never know "why" he was with us for three months. But we took him when God said take him. And we are letting him go when God says let him go! And I am trusting God with him. That sounds crazy that I would even question trusting God, but that is what it came down to! Do I trust that God loves him more than I ever can? Do I trust that God will fill the whole in my heart that will be there when he leaves? After years of walking in doubt, I am so grateful to say, YES! I trust God with all that!
Then there is the whole hurt of my children! All the voices that asked why we would put our kids through this come back loud and clear. None of them are happy about having to let B-man go! Ava has asked all day why he can't stay with us and why am I packing up his clothes. No matter what I say to her, she says, "But I love him!" How do you explain what you don't understand yourself to a four year old? But they have to learn to trust and obey also! Have we done them a disservice by asking them to care for a child who needed a family even though we now have to let him go? Absolutely not! They have learned to love the least of these! And I believe they are changed for eternity because of it!
I say a prayer for him with each piece of clothing I lay in the suitcase. I pray that God's plan for his life will play out to it's fullest! I pray protection over him as his future is so uncertain. I pray that he will land in a safe, permanent home where he will have the help he needs to progress normally despite his current physical delays.
I thank God that I knew this little bundle of joy that will forever be a part of our family! I thank God that he has taught me once again that he will hold my hand through good times and bad! I am thankful that he has a good home to go to and I am able to talk to them and tell them the little things about him that will make his transition (and theirs) easier!
Some have asked what I thought about fostering. Here is the part I had never had to do yet...let go! So what do I think now? I think that fostering to adopt is an amazing thing! I am so grateful for the baby girl who is in my home because of foster to adopt that will be ours forever in just a few months! But I also think that fostering just for the sake of fostering is not my calling! I am so thankful there are people who are called strictly to fostering! We need them!!! But to bring children in and work with the system just so I can let kids go and bring in other ones, is not my heart. This is killing me. I invest in children for life. To have them removed and not be able to continue to pour into them, well, it hurts. I don't like it.
Would we do it again? I've learned enough through the years to not say no! But I also know that this season of our lives is coming to a close. We have too many kids in the home to take little ones and God is calling us to serve these children in another way...through Addy's Hope. God has given us four amazing children in the past year. He is taking one. We are still blessed! But for now, our quiver is full. We will let go of B-man tomorrow and let him go into whatever God has for him in the future. And I will love on the six that will remain with the one being knit in my womb and thank God for each and every moment I get to spend with each of them! For as He continues to teach me, no matter how my children come, they are not mine, they are His! He just entrusts them to me to teach them and train them to be soldiers for His Army! When my time in their life is up, He will take them. He is sovereign. I trust that He knows what is best for each of my children. I trust that He has a bigger picture that I can't see. I trust that in some small way, our loving and letting go of B-man will bring him glory! Because really, bringing Him glory is my ultimate goal!
So good-bye, B-man! Or maybe, till later! We will forever love you and hold you close to our hearts in prayer! And I don't care what the doctors say....one day, I'm going to hear your name on a pro-football team roster! :) You prove them all wrong Big Guy! This momma will always love you and believe in you! God bless your life! I am blessed to have been a part of it...even if only for a few months!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
A Chance for Some Kids!
We are having our second annual Tour of Homes for Addy's Hope this Saturday. We are using the funds this year to provide foster family scholarships if they need a little extra $$ to get things like fire extinguishers, smoke detectors, etc. to finish the foster license process. We have an extreme shortage in our area of foster families. Right now 60% of our kids have to leave the region. That is just in sane! So we are doing this to try to help bring that number down.
One of the things we are doing this year since we are focusing on state kids is we will have the heart gallery in the homes. Each home will have a picture of a child who is available for adoption and waiting for a forever family! They delivered the pictures this afternoon! I haven't had a chance to look at all of them, but the few I have, well, they break my heart! I see Princess M in each one of them. The stories she has told, the way she thinks life is for everyone, NO CHILD SHOULD EVER FEEL THIS WAY! These kids need families!
This is the first time these kids' pictures have been viewed! They are brand new! It is so exciting!
Will you pray with me? Will you pray that these kids will find their forever families THIS WEEKEND?! God can do it! He can send whomever He has picked for them to the home their picture is at and let their eyes pierce the heart of the mom and dad that are supposed to bring them home!
I found a letter I had written Princess M the day I resolved that she was ours and there was no turning back....the day I trusted God with this journey and agreed to let go of my fears and walk in faith! Brings tears to my eyes every time I think about "what if" I hadn't done that? What if I had let my fears and doubts in my abilities and strength get the best of me? She has only been here a little over a week, and I can't imagine not having her here! She has my heart....all of it! Yes, there have been some hard spots. Yes, it is exhausting having a teen girl and all the emotions and drama that go with that...but SHE. IS. WORTH. EVERY. EXHAUSTING. SECOND!
Pray with me! I will get all the pictures out and list the names and ages of the kids. If I can find them on TARE, I will post the links so you can read about who you are praying for! I'm excited! And if you live in the are and need tickets to the tour, let me know! Saturday, Dec 4th from 6-9 - Eight homes! All sizes and shapes including Lofts on Main! Great way to spend a Saturday evening and you will be helping a great cause at the same time! And if you are local and have a blog, would you help us spread the word?! You can buy tickets at the houses, so no pre-purchase is necessary! Last minute tourers are welcome! :)
One of the things we are doing this year since we are focusing on state kids is we will have the heart gallery in the homes. Each home will have a picture of a child who is available for adoption and waiting for a forever family! They delivered the pictures this afternoon! I haven't had a chance to look at all of them, but the few I have, well, they break my heart! I see Princess M in each one of them. The stories she has told, the way she thinks life is for everyone, NO CHILD SHOULD EVER FEEL THIS WAY! These kids need families!
This is the first time these kids' pictures have been viewed! They are brand new! It is so exciting!
Will you pray with me? Will you pray that these kids will find their forever families THIS WEEKEND?! God can do it! He can send whomever He has picked for them to the home their picture is at and let their eyes pierce the heart of the mom and dad that are supposed to bring them home!
I found a letter I had written Princess M the day I resolved that she was ours and there was no turning back....the day I trusted God with this journey and agreed to let go of my fears and walk in faith! Brings tears to my eyes every time I think about "what if" I hadn't done that? What if I had let my fears and doubts in my abilities and strength get the best of me? She has only been here a little over a week, and I can't imagine not having her here! She has my heart....all of it! Yes, there have been some hard spots. Yes, it is exhausting having a teen girl and all the emotions and drama that go with that...but SHE. IS. WORTH. EVERY. EXHAUSTING. SECOND!
Pray with me! I will get all the pictures out and list the names and ages of the kids. If I can find them on TARE, I will post the links so you can read about who you are praying for! I'm excited! And if you live in the are and need tickets to the tour, let me know! Saturday, Dec 4th from 6-9 - Eight homes! All sizes and shapes including Lofts on Main! Great way to spend a Saturday evening and you will be helping a great cause at the same time! And if you are local and have a blog, would you help us spread the word?! You can buy tickets at the houses, so no pre-purchase is necessary! Last minute tourers are welcome! :)
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
My Monday
Ok, I should be in bed, but, well, that is how my day has gone!
For my blog readers who aren't my friends on Facebook, let me just apologize for my lack of updates! Life has been quite insane at the P-tree house! Yes, we met Princess M! I described it like living in a Hallmark movie...all the way down to John asking her what she wanted for Christmas and her response being, "I already got it" and me in my not so stellar moment asking, "What?!" and her shy reply, "A family!" I did hold it together and not burst into tears right there at Olive Garden! But there were so many moments like that! I will cherish those first moments with her forever!
We did get the foster placement approved, so last Tuesday, Princess M came to live with us forever! Praise God! The last week has been a dream come true! I hopefully will have time to share more in detail later, but let me just say,
WE
ARE
BLESSED!!!!
She is an amazing young lady! After all she has been through, well, she just amazes me! Yes, I know, for those of you who have been there done this, we are in the "honeymoon" phase! But you know what, I am going to enjoy every second of it! And I will tuck each of these amazing moments in the back of my mind so IF the challenges come, I will remember this and keep walking with her! I am not going to ruin the good time looking for the bad! It never came with Toben! He never had the "other shoe fall" so to speak, so I am not going to look for it with her either. We are realistic. We know what we can be facing, and IF it comes, we will face it! We have already had a couple of hiccups, but they went amazingly well and God provided wisdom and comfort for all of us! I will trust Him to do the same with any future hiccups!
Now, back to my Monday!
Addy's Hope is doing a tour of homes to raise money for foster families. We have an amazing friend named Leigh-Anne who sets up our publicity for the event. We were in one paper Sunday and another this morning. Now, the stage is set!
So my Monday really began at 12:00 am...I was still up! I was rocking a baby who didn't want to go to sleep and talking to a teen who wanted to share her heart! After I got the baby down, the teen and I snuggled under a blanket on the couch enjoying some one on one time! It was an amazing time, but that meant I didn't get to bed until after 1 am...have I mentioned I am pregnant? The nausea this pregnancy has been almost debilitating! A mother of 7 really does not have time for nausea...and lack of sleep tends to aggravate it! But I wouldn't have missed my time with Princess M for anything, so I prayed that God would replace my sleep and set my alarm for a mere 4 and a half hours later. Didn't have to do that because before mentioned baby was awake again before the alarm was allowed to wake me!
That was the start.
So of course, I'm running late and working on less than full brain power! Have to be at a birth mom visit by 10 with a full day scheduled after that. The agency phone rings. I answer it. First mistake of many today!
The voice on the other end introduces himself as a pastor of a local church and proceeds to tell me he wants to visit with me about a quote in the paper. The article is not up on line yet, but here is the quote: “We have too many churches in Midland-Odessa to have kids living in orphanages,” HollyAnn Petree said. “I don’t think people know there’s a need and that it’s as drastic as it is.” He proceeds to tell me that he doesn't appreciate me saying that churches need to do more because they are already being asked to pay for hotel rooms and electric bills and all this takes money and parishioners are not giving more. I'm still not totally understanding where he is going, so I just proceed with my jolly attitude and tell him that he is in luck because that is the purpose of the tour of homes is to help offset the initial cost for foster families so that money is not an obstacle! He said he understood that but that he is tired of churches being asked by the government and everyone else to do more. I shared our testimony how we continued our work in Liberia after adoptions shut down for 18 months only because God supplied. I told him I would be more than happy to come talk to his congregation if he liked. I would issue them the challenge if he felt he had already asked them to give more than he should. He still wasn't happy. I then told him I would encourage him to go visit our local emergency shelter where 20-25 children under the age of five call "home" and look in their eyes and then we could continue this conversation. I don't remember all his comebacks. I just remember telling him that he must not read the same gospel I do because James 1:27 clearly states that we are to care for the orphans and widows in their distress and as long as 60% of our kids are having to be sent out of region and we have children in an emergency shelter, the local Body of Christ is not doing enough! He then talked about how they just couldn't do anymore and I should not be making such statements. I then told him I couldn't believe that a pastor of all people was attacking me for restating a challenge to the Body of Christ that was clear in scripture. He took great offense that I thought it was an attack (not sure what else you call it when he won't listen to anything I have to say!) He then went on to say that it was just not possible for the church to meet all these needs. I once again told him we must be studying different Bibles because mine says ALL things are possible for God....at that he said, I've had enough, good-bye and HUNG UP ON ME! My immediate reaction was anger, but very shortly it turned to heartbreak! Heartbreak that a man who calls himself a Christian and is LEADING a group of Christians would have such unBiblical character and thinking! I could go on and on about that...but I must get to the rest of my day!
I proceed to take Baby Girl to her visit with Princess M going with me as the plan was to register her for school this afternoon so she would be ready to start fresh tomorrow morning. The school she will go to wears uniforms, so we left today to finish getting what she needed for her uniform and school.
Then went to my parents for a short break before heading back to pick up Baby Girl. Was told when I picked her up that she had been put on one of the children's size picnic tables, left unattended and fell off head first. That would explain the bright red whelp on her forehead! I'll save my remarks about that for another day!
Went back to mom and dads to inhale a bite of lunch before heading off to my first "real" dr appointment of this pregnancy. They said it would take awhile, but I didn't know it would take ALL afternoon! I really didn't wait a long time for any part of it, they just put me through the ringer! I got there at 1:00 and left at 3:45. In that time frame, I had to decide what hospital to have the baby at, whether I would do a repeat c-section or try vaginal (although after two c-sections, they really don't give you much of an option - again a topic for another post!), what to do about some medication I am taking, and all without my husband! That alone nearly put me in tears...have I mentioned that it still has not sunk in that I am having a baby?! Really! I'm too busy to have a baby!
So if all that wasn't heavy enough, every other comment was about my "advanced maternal age"! By the time I left, I was thinking I needed to be rolled out in a wheelchair! It's nuts! I'm only four years older than that last time I gave birth, but you would think I am knocking on deaths door by the way they talk about you when you are 36 (but they go by 37 because that is how old I'll be when the baby arrives) and having a baby! I don't usually feel old, but today, well, call me Granny, I guess!
In the course of my appointment I find out that they are doing a glucose test (I am only 9 weeks, but due to my age and all :) they do one now AND later!). So I immediately know that I am not going to make it back to the house by 3 for the visit from our Buckner worker. I also worry if I will make it to the TV interview I am supposed to do at 4....did I mention I didn't know about the TV interview when I got ready this morning?????? Nough said!!! Just one more way God has reminded me that It. Is. Not. About. Me.
I would love to call these people to let them know, but Ava has played her counting game on my phone and it has died!
I realize that they are going to do a sono, so I go to the waiting room and get Princess M who I left in the waiting room happy as a lark with her new phone texting away! But thought she would want to see the baby...which she did. So she came back and I used her phone to call John to tell him to call all the other people.
Then we went into the sono room. As I told Princess M, if you didn't feel like family before, you should now! Nothing like bonding over a gyno exam! Geeze!!! Anyway, we finally got to the sono, and I was amazed! My last sono was only a little over two weeks ago. We saw two circles with a little flitter in one. When the image popped up this time, there was a baby waiving at me and kicking his two little legs as fast as he could! I gasped out loud! Needless to say, that was the highlight of my day! I couldn't believe it! There is a baby inside of me! I know that sounds crazy, but really, I don't sit and dwell on it like I did with the other two pregnancies! I don't have time! So to see that life, kicking and waving, well, there are no words!
I would love to share the picture of "Our Little It" as Princess M now lovingly refers to the baby, but as has been par for my day, the disc is presently no where to be found. Upon its recovery, I will share with you!
We finally leave the doctors appointment. I speed to my parents to pick up the babies and Ava who have caused all kinds of havoc for my parents whose house is on the tour this weekend. I'm apologizing and feel horrible that they had the kids for so long! We load up and head to McDonald's because Princess M is having a french fry craving...amazing how everyone but me is having cravings around here! SO we sit in the mall parking lot eating our french fries waiting for John to come switch cars and take these four children home to meet the other three who are pretty well angry that they had to walk home because I was thirty minutes away when they got out of school (we only live a few blocks from the school and Callie has a cell phone!). Oh, let me explain, we are sitting in the mall parking lot because the tv station that I am about to do the interview with is in the mall! Yes, I said "in the mall"! Only in West Texas does that happen!
So let's recap the day: get up late, don't wash my hair, do a "day 2 do", put on as little make up as possible to get out the door as fast as possible and haven't been home since. And now, right after a gyno appointment, I am interviewed for tv! Vanity has never been a huge issue for me, but today was even a little much for me! None the less, I did the interview and I pray that people will hear the message and buy tickets so that we can get more and more foster homes for these kids! And if the "Church" is doing too much Mr. Terry at Memorial Christian Church, then I guess the WORLD will have to take up the slack?! Give me a break!!!!
So that was my day! Oh, I did forget to mention that at the end of the doctor visit, they gave me the bill for our part of the baby! That caused a mild - ok, I'm fibbing, a major panic attack about the financial part of another baby!
So right now, at 1 am on this last day of November, I listen to one of my seven snoring like a freight train, another one cooing in her sleep, and know the others are resting peacefully. Across the house, my poor husband who I know is probably just as overwhelmed with it all as I am sleeps. I sit here. I know that each of these lives is a blessing. I know without a doubt that God has called us to each and everything that we are doing, but I feel totally and completely overwhelmed! Overwhelmed that He would trust me with this much. Overwhelmed with the battles that I know we will fight each and every day for the children under our roof and those God is calling us to be the voice for who don't have a roof! I feel totally and completely unqualified and honestly a complete failure at the majority of what He has called me to do.
But those are all feelings! I will go to sleep now. I will rest and pray that God replaces the sleep I have once again lost as I needed time to just process it all. I will wake up again in the morning and start my day by digging into the Word for the Truth! I will not walk based on feelings! I will walk by faith and not by sight! I will trust the One who already gave His Son for me! I will not look a Savior in the face who after being beaten and spit upon and called names that crushed him STILL went to the cross for me and say, "I've had enough. I quit." I will not do it! Mr. Pastor, I challenge you to the same! Whatever your church is doing, I challenge you to do more! I may have 7 children under my roof, but as long as there is a child who did not get tucked into bed tonight by her mommy or daddy, I. AM. NOT. DOING. ENOUGH! As long as there is a widow who is cold tonight because she has no heat, I. AM. NOT. DOING. ENOUGH! It was a command, not a suggestion! And God says that I can do greater things than even John the Baptist who was the greatest at that time! I may feel overwhelmed, but the truth: I have overcome by the Blood of the Lamb! Bring it on Tuesday! I'm ready for ya!!!!
For my blog readers who aren't my friends on Facebook, let me just apologize for my lack of updates! Life has been quite insane at the P-tree house! Yes, we met Princess M! I described it like living in a Hallmark movie...all the way down to John asking her what she wanted for Christmas and her response being, "I already got it" and me in my not so stellar moment asking, "What?!" and her shy reply, "A family!" I did hold it together and not burst into tears right there at Olive Garden! But there were so many moments like that! I will cherish those first moments with her forever!
We did get the foster placement approved, so last Tuesday, Princess M came to live with us forever! Praise God! The last week has been a dream come true! I hopefully will have time to share more in detail later, but let me just say,
WE
ARE
BLESSED!!!!
She is an amazing young lady! After all she has been through, well, she just amazes me! Yes, I know, for those of you who have been there done this, we are in the "honeymoon" phase! But you know what, I am going to enjoy every second of it! And I will tuck each of these amazing moments in the back of my mind so IF the challenges come, I will remember this and keep walking with her! I am not going to ruin the good time looking for the bad! It never came with Toben! He never had the "other shoe fall" so to speak, so I am not going to look for it with her either. We are realistic. We know what we can be facing, and IF it comes, we will face it! We have already had a couple of hiccups, but they went amazingly well and God provided wisdom and comfort for all of us! I will trust Him to do the same with any future hiccups!
Now, back to my Monday!
Addy's Hope is doing a tour of homes to raise money for foster families. We have an amazing friend named Leigh-Anne who sets up our publicity for the event. We were in one paper Sunday and another this morning. Now, the stage is set!
So my Monday really began at 12:00 am...I was still up! I was rocking a baby who didn't want to go to sleep and talking to a teen who wanted to share her heart! After I got the baby down, the teen and I snuggled under a blanket on the couch enjoying some one on one time! It was an amazing time, but that meant I didn't get to bed until after 1 am...have I mentioned I am pregnant? The nausea this pregnancy has been almost debilitating! A mother of 7 really does not have time for nausea...and lack of sleep tends to aggravate it! But I wouldn't have missed my time with Princess M for anything, so I prayed that God would replace my sleep and set my alarm for a mere 4 and a half hours later. Didn't have to do that because before mentioned baby was awake again before the alarm was allowed to wake me!
That was the start.
So of course, I'm running late and working on less than full brain power! Have to be at a birth mom visit by 10 with a full day scheduled after that. The agency phone rings. I answer it. First mistake of many today!
The voice on the other end introduces himself as a pastor of a local church and proceeds to tell me he wants to visit with me about a quote in the paper. The article is not up on line yet, but here is the quote: “We have too many churches in Midland-Odessa to have kids living in orphanages,” HollyAnn Petree said. “I don’t think people know there’s a need and that it’s as drastic as it is.” He proceeds to tell me that he doesn't appreciate me saying that churches need to do more because they are already being asked to pay for hotel rooms and electric bills and all this takes money and parishioners are not giving more. I'm still not totally understanding where he is going, so I just proceed with my jolly attitude and tell him that he is in luck because that is the purpose of the tour of homes is to help offset the initial cost for foster families so that money is not an obstacle! He said he understood that but that he is tired of churches being asked by the government and everyone else to do more. I shared our testimony how we continued our work in Liberia after adoptions shut down for 18 months only because God supplied. I told him I would be more than happy to come talk to his congregation if he liked. I would issue them the challenge if he felt he had already asked them to give more than he should. He still wasn't happy. I then told him I would encourage him to go visit our local emergency shelter where 20-25 children under the age of five call "home" and look in their eyes and then we could continue this conversation. I don't remember all his comebacks. I just remember telling him that he must not read the same gospel I do because James 1:27 clearly states that we are to care for the orphans and widows in their distress and as long as 60% of our kids are having to be sent out of region and we have children in an emergency shelter, the local Body of Christ is not doing enough! He then talked about how they just couldn't do anymore and I should not be making such statements. I then told him I couldn't believe that a pastor of all people was attacking me for restating a challenge to the Body of Christ that was clear in scripture. He took great offense that I thought it was an attack (not sure what else you call it when he won't listen to anything I have to say!) He then went on to say that it was just not possible for the church to meet all these needs. I once again told him we must be studying different Bibles because mine says ALL things are possible for God....at that he said, I've had enough, good-bye and HUNG UP ON ME! My immediate reaction was anger, but very shortly it turned to heartbreak! Heartbreak that a man who calls himself a Christian and is LEADING a group of Christians would have such unBiblical character and thinking! I could go on and on about that...but I must get to the rest of my day!
I proceed to take Baby Girl to her visit with Princess M going with me as the plan was to register her for school this afternoon so she would be ready to start fresh tomorrow morning. The school she will go to wears uniforms, so we left today to finish getting what she needed for her uniform and school.
Then went to my parents for a short break before heading back to pick up Baby Girl. Was told when I picked her up that she had been put on one of the children's size picnic tables, left unattended and fell off head first. That would explain the bright red whelp on her forehead! I'll save my remarks about that for another day!
Went back to mom and dads to inhale a bite of lunch before heading off to my first "real" dr appointment of this pregnancy. They said it would take awhile, but I didn't know it would take ALL afternoon! I really didn't wait a long time for any part of it, they just put me through the ringer! I got there at 1:00 and left at 3:45. In that time frame, I had to decide what hospital to have the baby at, whether I would do a repeat c-section or try vaginal (although after two c-sections, they really don't give you much of an option - again a topic for another post!), what to do about some medication I am taking, and all without my husband! That alone nearly put me in tears...have I mentioned that it still has not sunk in that I am having a baby?! Really! I'm too busy to have a baby!
So if all that wasn't heavy enough, every other comment was about my "advanced maternal age"! By the time I left, I was thinking I needed to be rolled out in a wheelchair! It's nuts! I'm only four years older than that last time I gave birth, but you would think I am knocking on deaths door by the way they talk about you when you are 36 (but they go by 37 because that is how old I'll be when the baby arrives) and having a baby! I don't usually feel old, but today, well, call me Granny, I guess!
In the course of my appointment I find out that they are doing a glucose test (I am only 9 weeks, but due to my age and all :) they do one now AND later!). So I immediately know that I am not going to make it back to the house by 3 for the visit from our Buckner worker. I also worry if I will make it to the TV interview I am supposed to do at 4....did I mention I didn't know about the TV interview when I got ready this morning?????? Nough said!!! Just one more way God has reminded me that It. Is. Not. About. Me.
I would love to call these people to let them know, but Ava has played her counting game on my phone and it has died!
I realize that they are going to do a sono, so I go to the waiting room and get Princess M who I left in the waiting room happy as a lark with her new phone texting away! But thought she would want to see the baby...which she did. So she came back and I used her phone to call John to tell him to call all the other people.
Then we went into the sono room. As I told Princess M, if you didn't feel like family before, you should now! Nothing like bonding over a gyno exam! Geeze!!! Anyway, we finally got to the sono, and I was amazed! My last sono was only a little over two weeks ago. We saw two circles with a little flitter in one. When the image popped up this time, there was a baby waiving at me and kicking his two little legs as fast as he could! I gasped out loud! Needless to say, that was the highlight of my day! I couldn't believe it! There is a baby inside of me! I know that sounds crazy, but really, I don't sit and dwell on it like I did with the other two pregnancies! I don't have time! So to see that life, kicking and waving, well, there are no words!
I would love to share the picture of "Our Little It" as Princess M now lovingly refers to the baby, but as has been par for my day, the disc is presently no where to be found. Upon its recovery, I will share with you!
We finally leave the doctors appointment. I speed to my parents to pick up the babies and Ava who have caused all kinds of havoc for my parents whose house is on the tour this weekend. I'm apologizing and feel horrible that they had the kids for so long! We load up and head to McDonald's because Princess M is having a french fry craving...amazing how everyone but me is having cravings around here! SO we sit in the mall parking lot eating our french fries waiting for John to come switch cars and take these four children home to meet the other three who are pretty well angry that they had to walk home because I was thirty minutes away when they got out of school (we only live a few blocks from the school and Callie has a cell phone!). Oh, let me explain, we are sitting in the mall parking lot because the tv station that I am about to do the interview with is in the mall! Yes, I said "in the mall"! Only in West Texas does that happen!
So let's recap the day: get up late, don't wash my hair, do a "day 2 do", put on as little make up as possible to get out the door as fast as possible and haven't been home since. And now, right after a gyno appointment, I am interviewed for tv! Vanity has never been a huge issue for me, but today was even a little much for me! None the less, I did the interview and I pray that people will hear the message and buy tickets so that we can get more and more foster homes for these kids! And if the "Church" is doing too much Mr. Terry at Memorial Christian Church, then I guess the WORLD will have to take up the slack?! Give me a break!!!!
So that was my day! Oh, I did forget to mention that at the end of the doctor visit, they gave me the bill for our part of the baby! That caused a mild - ok, I'm fibbing, a major panic attack about the financial part of another baby!
So right now, at 1 am on this last day of November, I listen to one of my seven snoring like a freight train, another one cooing in her sleep, and know the others are resting peacefully. Across the house, my poor husband who I know is probably just as overwhelmed with it all as I am sleeps. I sit here. I know that each of these lives is a blessing. I know without a doubt that God has called us to each and everything that we are doing, but I feel totally and completely overwhelmed! Overwhelmed that He would trust me with this much. Overwhelmed with the battles that I know we will fight each and every day for the children under our roof and those God is calling us to be the voice for who don't have a roof! I feel totally and completely unqualified and honestly a complete failure at the majority of what He has called me to do.
But those are all feelings! I will go to sleep now. I will rest and pray that God replaces the sleep I have once again lost as I needed time to just process it all. I will wake up again in the morning and start my day by digging into the Word for the Truth! I will not walk based on feelings! I will walk by faith and not by sight! I will trust the One who already gave His Son for me! I will not look a Savior in the face who after being beaten and spit upon and called names that crushed him STILL went to the cross for me and say, "I've had enough. I quit." I will not do it! Mr. Pastor, I challenge you to the same! Whatever your church is doing, I challenge you to do more! I may have 7 children under my roof, but as long as there is a child who did not get tucked into bed tonight by her mommy or daddy, I. AM. NOT. DOING. ENOUGH! As long as there is a widow who is cold tonight because she has no heat, I. AM. NOT. DOING. ENOUGH! It was a command, not a suggestion! And God says that I can do greater things than even John the Baptist who was the greatest at that time! I may feel overwhelmed, but the truth: I have overcome by the Blood of the Lamb! Bring it on Tuesday! I'm ready for ya!!!!
Friday, November 19, 2010
Meeting Princess M!
Today is the day! I can't believe it! In just a few short hours I will get to give that sweet girl a big bear hug!
John keeps asking me if I am nervous. Not. At. All! How awesome is that? What a faithful God we serve! You know from my original posts that this whole journey was me sitting back on my hind legs like a mule trying to be led! But when I finally started walking with God, He replaced every fear and doubt I had with excitement and love! Only He can do that!
God has also planted little ideas in my head as the weeks have passed. Can you believe it has only been weeks since we started this?! Another God thing! We bought Princess M a necklace that is a heart and says, "I Chose You". It was important to me that I leave something tangible with her when we left her after the visit to remind her that she is coming to our family and that we are thinking about her constantly as we wait for her to come permanently! God also reminded me of a book I have. Actually this is why I started calling her Princess M on the public forums where I can't use her real name. I bought a book a couple of years ago called "His Princess: Love Letters from Your King". It is a book of scripture based "letters" that God might write to us as His precious daughters. I want her to read how precious she is! I want her to be able to hear that until I am with her again to tell her! She is a Christian! How cool is that? She already has a passion for God and His ways. But from what we have been told it is a very legalistic "God will get you" view of God. This is our first step in teaching her of her loving Heavenly Father that is NOTHING like her earthly fathers who have rejected her.
The final thing we have done is what I am most excited about! Totally a God planted idea as I would never have come up with this on my own! We bought a suitcase. She will use the suitcase to come visit us next week for Thanksgiving, then to move her stuff here permanently when we get the ok! THEN....we are going to have a demolishing party and destroy that sucker!!! She will not have a need for a suitcase anymore because there will be no more moving from this family! I can't wait for that party!!!!
We will meet her about 4:00 today. Less than 12 hours! We have amazing friends and family who are keeping our children while we go on this journey today. When you can farm out 6 kids, you know you have amazing support in your life and people who are walking with you!!! THANK YOU!!!!
I have had so many thoughts as I have played out that first meeting. Meeting a 15 year old child is definitely different than meeting your newborn or 3 year old child! I want to be cool and hip! :) I don't want her to immediately think, "Holy, Cow! What am I getting into?!" They have told me she is into fashion....great! What do I wear?! Especially since the pregnancy hips have set in and my pants are already not fitting!
How do we introduce ourselves? Seems a little awkward to say, "Hello! I am your mother and this is your daddy!" I think we will just introduce ourselves as John and HollyAnn and tell her she can call us John and HollyAnn, Mom and Dad, Mother and Daddy, whatever she feels comfortable calling us....but assure her I will be calling her daughter!
What will we do for the time we have her? Watch a movie??? Well, that doesn't allow time to get to know each other. We have to go shopping at least a little for something for her to wear for our family picture next weekend. Maybe some games....we will have the hotel room for tonight and tomorrow morning. Lubbock has nice parks, so if the weather is nice, we could go to the park. We will just have to play it by ear..all I know is I want to soak in everything about her in the time I am with her! I am already mourning the 15 years I haven't had her! But through all the conversations I have had with the people in her life right now, the hand of God in her life, preparing her to be a part of our specific family, is so evident! And for that I am eternally grateful!
Please pray for her as she prepares to meet us. Pray that she can do her best to let us in after all she has been through. Pray for us that we have the right words and actions that speak love and security to her! Also, please pray that the placement director approves her placement with us as a foster to adopt placement. This has changed after she expressed a desire last week to stay with us after Thanksgiving and not go back. There have been some other developments with her foster home, and everyone feels that would be best. She was originally going to be placed with us as an adoptive placement, but that means all the adoption paperwork has to be completed...which hasn't even been started, I don't think! This way, she will be with us while the paperwork is being done. A MUCH better plan in this momma's eyes! If not, we know God is in control and she will be here when He is ready for her to be! Total peace! Amazing peace! I've never had this sort of peace with any of our other adoptions. Maybe I've actually matured a bit over these years! (she says with a wink!) One thing I do know is that God is teaching me to trust again! I can't say I am totally there, but I am well on my way!
I'll let you know how it goes! Before I leave, let me just say, if you have ever considered adopting through the state, don't consider it anymore, DO IT! There are a few kids short of 6,000 in Texas who are ready for adoption right now! That is just Texas! That does not include the other 49 states! These kids need us....these kids need God! Come on Body of Christ! We must take action! As someone who struggled through saying yes, I can assure you, He will calm all your fears and replace them with joy unspeakable....IF you will let Him!
Here we go! Let the journey begin.....
John keeps asking me if I am nervous. Not. At. All! How awesome is that? What a faithful God we serve! You know from my original posts that this whole journey was me sitting back on my hind legs like a mule trying to be led! But when I finally started walking with God, He replaced every fear and doubt I had with excitement and love! Only He can do that!
God has also planted little ideas in my head as the weeks have passed. Can you believe it has only been weeks since we started this?! Another God thing! We bought Princess M a necklace that is a heart and says, "I Chose You". It was important to me that I leave something tangible with her when we left her after the visit to remind her that she is coming to our family and that we are thinking about her constantly as we wait for her to come permanently! God also reminded me of a book I have. Actually this is why I started calling her Princess M on the public forums where I can't use her real name. I bought a book a couple of years ago called "His Princess: Love Letters from Your King". It is a book of scripture based "letters" that God might write to us as His precious daughters. I want her to read how precious she is! I want her to be able to hear that until I am with her again to tell her! She is a Christian! How cool is that? She already has a passion for God and His ways. But from what we have been told it is a very legalistic "God will get you" view of God. This is our first step in teaching her of her loving Heavenly Father that is NOTHING like her earthly fathers who have rejected her.
The final thing we have done is what I am most excited about! Totally a God planted idea as I would never have come up with this on my own! We bought a suitcase. She will use the suitcase to come visit us next week for Thanksgiving, then to move her stuff here permanently when we get the ok! THEN....we are going to have a demolishing party and destroy that sucker!!! She will not have a need for a suitcase anymore because there will be no more moving from this family! I can't wait for that party!!!!
We will meet her about 4:00 today. Less than 12 hours! We have amazing friends and family who are keeping our children while we go on this journey today. When you can farm out 6 kids, you know you have amazing support in your life and people who are walking with you!!! THANK YOU!!!!
I have had so many thoughts as I have played out that first meeting. Meeting a 15 year old child is definitely different than meeting your newborn or 3 year old child! I want to be cool and hip! :) I don't want her to immediately think, "Holy, Cow! What am I getting into?!" They have told me she is into fashion....great! What do I wear?! Especially since the pregnancy hips have set in and my pants are already not fitting!
How do we introduce ourselves? Seems a little awkward to say, "Hello! I am your mother and this is your daddy!" I think we will just introduce ourselves as John and HollyAnn and tell her she can call us John and HollyAnn, Mom and Dad, Mother and Daddy, whatever she feels comfortable calling us....but assure her I will be calling her daughter!
What will we do for the time we have her? Watch a movie??? Well, that doesn't allow time to get to know each other. We have to go shopping at least a little for something for her to wear for our family picture next weekend. Maybe some games....we will have the hotel room for tonight and tomorrow morning. Lubbock has nice parks, so if the weather is nice, we could go to the park. We will just have to play it by ear..all I know is I want to soak in everything about her in the time I am with her! I am already mourning the 15 years I haven't had her! But through all the conversations I have had with the people in her life right now, the hand of God in her life, preparing her to be a part of our specific family, is so evident! And for that I am eternally grateful!
Please pray for her as she prepares to meet us. Pray that she can do her best to let us in after all she has been through. Pray for us that we have the right words and actions that speak love and security to her! Also, please pray that the placement director approves her placement with us as a foster to adopt placement. This has changed after she expressed a desire last week to stay with us after Thanksgiving and not go back. There have been some other developments with her foster home, and everyone feels that would be best. She was originally going to be placed with us as an adoptive placement, but that means all the adoption paperwork has to be completed...which hasn't even been started, I don't think! This way, she will be with us while the paperwork is being done. A MUCH better plan in this momma's eyes! If not, we know God is in control and she will be here when He is ready for her to be! Total peace! Amazing peace! I've never had this sort of peace with any of our other adoptions. Maybe I've actually matured a bit over these years! (she says with a wink!) One thing I do know is that God is teaching me to trust again! I can't say I am totally there, but I am well on my way!
I'll let you know how it goes! Before I leave, let me just say, if you have ever considered adopting through the state, don't consider it anymore, DO IT! There are a few kids short of 6,000 in Texas who are ready for adoption right now! That is just Texas! That does not include the other 49 states! These kids need us....these kids need God! Come on Body of Christ! We must take action! As someone who struggled through saying yes, I can assure you, He will calm all your fears and replace them with joy unspeakable....IF you will let Him!
Here we go! Let the journey begin.....
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Princess M
Just an update on the adoption process of Princess M, the 15 year old we are adopting from the Texas CPS system. I have no talked to her social worker several times, her CASA worker as well as her counselor. Each time I talk to another person in her life, God brings more peace and more excitement! We are so excited about November 19 when we will get to meet her for the first time! All my anxiety is gone, and I just can't wait to give her a great big bear hug!
We have already gotten to know her through these ladies just a bit! Like one shared that she was nervous when she first heard we had picked a meeting date because she was so afraid that after we met her, we would not want her. If that doesn't break your heart, you don't have one! We have sent pictures of us so that she can get an idea of who we are...it's really hard to pick 6 or 8 pictures that show all family members and give a representation of who you are! I am sure I way over analyzed it (I have a habit of doing that, you know), but I sent a good variety that showed us, our home and hopefully a little of our quirky personality!
God has already started giving me tangible things to prepare for her. I bought a necklace that says, "I Chose You" stamped over and over on a heart with a disk with her name on it attached to the necklace. I wanted to give her something to leave with her and be a constant reminder that we are praying for her and waiting anxiously for her to come live with us permanently! God also said to go buy a suitcase. We will give it to her when we meet so she can pack her things in it to come visit us the week of Thanksgiving, then again when she moves for good! After she moves for good, we will have a suitcase demolition since she will no longer need a suitcase to move her belongings! Just a symbol that she is here to stay, no matter what! We believe in that fully! We know we are in uncharted watter for us and that there will be some really big waves at times, but we believe with all we are that when God places a child in our family, they are here to stay. PERIOD. Disruption is like Divorce...NOT. AN. OPTION. I want her to know that in every way possible so that she can just enjoy having a family!
The more I have heard about her, the more I rest in the fact that God hand-selected her for our family. Like I tell all my kids, I don't know why they weren't all born from my womb! I don't understand why God chooses adoption to place some kid in families and some he chooses birth. I know it has a whole lot to do with the fact that we live in a fallen world and nothing is as God intended when He created it! I also know that God's ways are not my ways and there is really no reason to try to figure out the "why"!
The 19th is coming fast! It will be here before we know it! But even so, it can't get here fast enough! I am ready to meat my daughter!!!
We have already gotten to know her through these ladies just a bit! Like one shared that she was nervous when she first heard we had picked a meeting date because she was so afraid that after we met her, we would not want her. If that doesn't break your heart, you don't have one! We have sent pictures of us so that she can get an idea of who we are...it's really hard to pick 6 or 8 pictures that show all family members and give a representation of who you are! I am sure I way over analyzed it (I have a habit of doing that, you know), but I sent a good variety that showed us, our home and hopefully a little of our quirky personality!
God has already started giving me tangible things to prepare for her. I bought a necklace that says, "I Chose You" stamped over and over on a heart with a disk with her name on it attached to the necklace. I wanted to give her something to leave with her and be a constant reminder that we are praying for her and waiting anxiously for her to come live with us permanently! God also said to go buy a suitcase. We will give it to her when we meet so she can pack her things in it to come visit us the week of Thanksgiving, then again when she moves for good! After she moves for good, we will have a suitcase demolition since she will no longer need a suitcase to move her belongings! Just a symbol that she is here to stay, no matter what! We believe in that fully! We know we are in uncharted watter for us and that there will be some really big waves at times, but we believe with all we are that when God places a child in our family, they are here to stay. PERIOD. Disruption is like Divorce...NOT. AN. OPTION. I want her to know that in every way possible so that she can just enjoy having a family!
The more I have heard about her, the more I rest in the fact that God hand-selected her for our family. Like I tell all my kids, I don't know why they weren't all born from my womb! I don't understand why God chooses adoption to place some kid in families and some he chooses birth. I know it has a whole lot to do with the fact that we live in a fallen world and nothing is as God intended when He created it! I also know that God's ways are not my ways and there is really no reason to try to figure out the "why"!
The 19th is coming fast! It will be here before we know it! But even so, it can't get here fast enough! I am ready to meat my daughter!!!
Pregnancy Update
I just can't find time to sit down and blog lately! Frustrates me as I would love to take all of you on the amazing journey we are on right now as we learn to trust God on a whole new level! I was thinking about our Christmas letters, and I will be introducing FOUR children to our friends and family this year!!! That is crazy! I can't believe that we have been blessed by four children since December of last year! No wonder I don't have time to blog! :)
We went for the sonogram last Wednesday. We could see the gestation sack which measured 6.5 weeks, but there was no heart beat yet. That is perfectly normal, but raised some fear and concern for me as we lost our first baby to a miscarriage, and that is how that pregnancy started - no heart beat. However, John has great peace about this baby, so I just chilled and have been pretty good to "not go there". We will go back tomorrow for another sono gram and will see that heart beat nice and strong! Oh, and there was only ONE gestational sack! So no twins...at least not from two eggs!
We went for the sonogram last Wednesday. We could see the gestation sack which measured 6.5 weeks, but there was no heart beat yet. That is perfectly normal, but raised some fear and concern for me as we lost our first baby to a miscarriage, and that is how that pregnancy started - no heart beat. However, John has great peace about this baby, so I just chilled and have been pretty good to "not go there". We will go back tomorrow for another sono gram and will see that heart beat nice and strong! Oh, and there was only ONE gestational sack! So no twins...at least not from two eggs!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Letters to my Baby
Dear Baby P,
In just a few hours, I will get my first glimpse of you. You will be just a beating heart in a sea of black. How fitting.
I did not plan you. Daddy did not plan you. But God planned you! Your days have already been ordained by God (Psalm 139:16). God sees you right now. He doesn't need the sonogram machine that I need to see you! He is knitting you together in my womb, forming you in the secret place - you are fearfully and wonderfully made! You are a gift from God! You are a reward! (Psalm 127:3)
As I sat and thought this evening about seeing your beating heart, I couldn't help but think of the significance of your heart. I will not be able to see your arms, your face - which when you are born is how I and those around us will recognize you - we will not be able to tell if you are a little boy or little girl. But we will see your heart. That, my Precious One is how God will always see you! The Lord will not look at your face even when it can be seen, he will always look at your heart (1 Sam 16:7). It's fitting that God would allow us to see the heart before we can see anything else of you! For from your heart flows the springs of life! My prayer already is that you will watch over your heart diligently (Psalm 4:23)! And until you are old enough to do that, I will watch over it for you...starting today! That little beat that I will see will remind me that I have a job to do as your mommy and it started the minute I knew you were growing in me.
The beat that I will see is where God will put the things He has for you so that you will chase after them (Ex 35:34). That beat represents the place where you will search for God and will find Him (Deut 5:29). It is where God will write the things He has for you each day as you commune with Him (Deut 6:5). It is from the heart that you will believe in Him and thus accept Him as your Lord (Romans 10:10). This little beat that I will see represents the treasure box where you, like Mary, will keep the things God reveals to you as you walk with him day by day (Luke 2:51). It is from this beating place that you will do the will of God (Eph 6:6).
God has a plan for you. It was because He needs you at this precise moment on the Kingdom calendar that you are being formed. It is why you being woven together even though Daddy and I had not even a thought of you. The plans and purposes God has for you have already been set my Precious Child. My prayer is that you will always be a man or woman after God's own heart. My prayer is that just as you will appear this afternoon - as a beating heart in a sea of darkness - you will appear always! A heart beating for God among the darkness of this world. When people look at you, they will see the light of Jesus shining through and know that they too need Him as their Savior!
Can't wait to meet you, Baby P! Until then, may God continue to form you and knit you together for His good purpose and will!
With all my love,
Mommy
In just a few hours, I will get my first glimpse of you. You will be just a beating heart in a sea of black. How fitting.
I did not plan you. Daddy did not plan you. But God planned you! Your days have already been ordained by God (Psalm 139:16). God sees you right now. He doesn't need the sonogram machine that I need to see you! He is knitting you together in my womb, forming you in the secret place - you are fearfully and wonderfully made! You are a gift from God! You are a reward! (Psalm 127:3)
As I sat and thought this evening about seeing your beating heart, I couldn't help but think of the significance of your heart. I will not be able to see your arms, your face - which when you are born is how I and those around us will recognize you - we will not be able to tell if you are a little boy or little girl. But we will see your heart. That, my Precious One is how God will always see you! The Lord will not look at your face even when it can be seen, he will always look at your heart (1 Sam 16:7). It's fitting that God would allow us to see the heart before we can see anything else of you! For from your heart flows the springs of life! My prayer already is that you will watch over your heart diligently (Psalm 4:23)! And until you are old enough to do that, I will watch over it for you...starting today! That little beat that I will see will remind me that I have a job to do as your mommy and it started the minute I knew you were growing in me.
The beat that I will see is where God will put the things He has for you so that you will chase after them (Ex 35:34). That beat represents the place where you will search for God and will find Him (Deut 5:29). It is where God will write the things He has for you each day as you commune with Him (Deut 6:5). It is from the heart that you will believe in Him and thus accept Him as your Lord (Romans 10:10). This little beat that I will see represents the treasure box where you, like Mary, will keep the things God reveals to you as you walk with him day by day (Luke 2:51). It is from this beating place that you will do the will of God (Eph 6:6).
God has a plan for you. It was because He needs you at this precise moment on the Kingdom calendar that you are being formed. It is why you being woven together even though Daddy and I had not even a thought of you. The plans and purposes God has for you have already been set my Precious Child. My prayer is that you will always be a man or woman after God's own heart. My prayer is that just as you will appear this afternoon - as a beating heart in a sea of darkness - you will appear always! A heart beating for God among the darkness of this world. When people look at you, they will see the light of Jesus shining through and know that they too need Him as their Savior!
Can't wait to meet you, Baby P! Until then, may God continue to form you and knit you together for His good purpose and will!
With all my love,
Mommy
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