Prophecy: A Nuclear Weapon

I am reading an amazing book right now called Spirit Wars by Kris Vallotton, a pastor at Bethel in Redding, CA.  You have heard me mention this church before as it is playing a vital role in my spiritual growth in this season.

The past five weeks have been rough.  I went from working 20-30 hours a week to working 60 hours a week.  For the first time in my mom career, I am working full time plus.  I started a new exercise program that has me at my workout at 5:30 which means getting up at 4.  I confess, that 4 wake up only happened a couple of times, which meant my quiet times didn't happen.  You don't maintain a relationship without feeding it!  The longer I went without my extended quiet times, the more despair crept in!  I could feel it, I went through my weapons of warfare, but couldn't shake it...until Sunday.

Kris says this:
"Prophecy is like a nuclear weapon in the hands of a believer.  It is important that we embrace the kind of prophetic culture that calls out our destiny and reminds us of God's work in our lives.  If we despise, reject or do not believe in prophecy, we play into the enemy's hands by laying down a vitally important weapon of our warfare."

Amen! My breakthrough came through a prophetic word delivered by our Pastor this weekend!  I have never sat under a pastor like Jeremy, my current pastor.  He is "pastor" in every sense of the word.  He is not perfect as no one is perfect, but he is an anointed pastor and understands like no one I have ever met what it means to shepherd his flock!  Several times since we started going to LifeHouse, Jeremy has come to us and said, when I was praying for you, God said.....  This weekend was one of those times.  He had been at a conference this week and had spent time praying for his flock.  There were a couple of families whom God spoke to him about directly, and we were one of them.  He called us up during church yesterday and spoke the Word over us and prayed for us.

If you have never seen someone operate in the prophetic, you may not fully understand what I am talking about here.  Let me challenge you to find a church where the gifts are practiced and watch when the prophetic ministry occurs.  Ask God to reveal the prophetic ministry to you. Romans 12, 1 Corinthians 12 and Ephesians 4 all talk about prophecy as a spiritual gift.  Remember, I was not a believer in the spiritual gifts even five years ago.  However, God placed me in battles that required all He had for me to fight with or I would have lost!  Prophecy is one of those weapons!  And this weekend it sliced through the doubt, the guilt, the frustration, the anger with God when no other weapon in my arsenal had seemed to make a dent.

The Word Jeremy spoke was exactly what John and I are facing.  It was basically that we are carrying a "wide load" and that it is taking longer than we thought because we are having to take back roads, but if we keep moving forward and pressing on, there will be a great "payday" when we get there.  That doesn't necessarily mean financial, but just that we must run the race as one who wants the price as Paul said it.

I wish I could describe what happened inside of me as Jeremy spoke.  But I can't really put it to words other than to say it encouraged me!  It showed me that God had heard my cries and had given someone with flesh and blood a way to encourage me in my state of confusion and frustration! It silenced the voices that even then I knew were the enemy taunting me.

Prophecy is such a vital tool in the life of anyone who is engaged in a life sold out for Christ! It is the encouragement to keep running the race because when people who know nothing about your circumstances speak exactly what is happening and then tell you the outcome, you have the strength, the courage and the authority to keep moving until you see that outcome to fruition!  Read Joshua 1:6-9 and see how God encouraged Joshua for the road he was about to walk.  That is how prophecy works in today's world.

I was reminded yesterday of what God told me when we were struggling with leaving our former church.  Let me stop here and say I am in no way putting down or former church, in fact, without the teaching and training we received at that Body, I would not be in the place to receive what happened yesterday!  I was a huge skeptic of all supernatural things when we fist started attending our former church.  God used the amazing teachers there to bring me to the place where I could receive what my current church has to offer.  Our former church had a man who was part of the church affiliation that Body belonged to.  He would come a few times a year.  It was amazing to see him operate in the prophetic.  He was the first person I ever saw do that, and it was inspiring, encouraging, intriguing....I could go on and on.  He (even though he was only there a few times a year and had no idea who I was!) was one of the reasons I wrestled with God over moving churches.  God had placed it on our hearts to leave, but I kept wanting to return to what was comfortable.  During one of my wrestling matches with God over leaving the church, I reminded him of this man who brought great encouragement to me (even though I never received a direct prophecy from him...ever!).  God's answer was very straightforward: "Do you want a man who prophesies or a congregation who prophesies?"  I thought of that yesterday and I had to laugh!  Since attending Lifehouse, I have had numerous Words of encouragement and prophecy spoken over me.  And they always came at the moment when I wasn't sure which direction to turn or when I wasn't sure I could last one more day in my current circumstances.  Then the Word would come and put the circumstances in the perspective they belonged, and the joy returns!

If you are not familiar with prophecy, do some research!  Dig into the Word!  Ask God to reveal His Truth about it...and then find a church that allows the gifts to be used! If you have questions, I may not have the answer, but I will put you in touch with some amazing people who do or I can give you a list or resources that have been helpful to me as I wrestled through my traditional thinking that caused me to doubt what was fairly clear in scripture.  And if you are in the Midland area, come check out Lifehouse Fellowship!  It's not a perfect church, but it is a church where the Spirit moves and is allowed to dictate the order of the service!  I will have to tell you more about the service yesterday another time!  It was amazing! Or come check it out for yourself this Wednesday at 7 - come at 6:30 if you want pizza before service!

He wants to take your burdens

Last night nearing the end of our praise and worship time, there was a still - no organized singing by the praise team, just spontaneous words and songs of praise from the congregation - a time of ministering by the Spirit.  As I stood there, I "saw" - not with physical eyes, but in my minds' eye, my spirit - a white sphere floating, and when it moved, it left a tail of light as it moved.  It was what I would call an aura.  God said it was his ministering spirit (Hebrews 1:14).  I saw it move from person to person in the congregation.  Just as our pastor said, "The anointing comes to life the burden," God spoke to me saying, "My yoke is easy and my burden is light!"  If you are like me, that scripture has been a struggle. My times of walking in faith have been some of my most trying...but God said this is season is a training ground, and I know this is one of the things He is teaching me! Even when things are tough, the yoke is easy and the burden is light.  We had just finished singing one of my favorite songs.  Some of the lyrics say, "I call your Name, Lord you reply, you bring your kingdom and stand by my side."  I saw the white glow stopping at each person.  From those who allowed him, he took burdens off of them as he passed from one to another.  As I saw him moving toward me, I opened my hands and an overwhelming sense of God's presence washed over me, and peace beyond understanding washed over.  I felt like a lead brick had been taken off my body.  It was amazing.  And what God was showing me is that He wants me to always feel that light...even in the midst of trials.  But I have to learn to allow Him to carry the burden and not pick it up myself.

God didn't lead me to share this in the service last night, but as I woke this morning, I knew I needed to share it.  This kind of thing is new for me...part of my deeper walk with God.  So I can't say I was a little apprehensive putting it out there, but I know from past experience if God lays it on my heart to share publicly, then someone out there, a fellow warrior for His kingdom needed to hear it! So if you have a heavy burden today, put some praise and worship music on, get still before God and let Him lift your burden!

Was it God?

I have heard many comments lately that have raised the proverbial hair on the back of my neck.  It it's one thing I have wrestled with through our failed adoptions and some personal struggles it is free will versus God's will and handling disappointments.  There was a time that spans many years where I could not tell you a personal story of victory and happy ending after a leap of faith.  We had taken some pretty big ones, and they all had endings far from what I had hoped.  Disappointment. There are posts on this blog during those times.  Even if I don't come right out and say it...you can read the disappointment between the lines.

My immediate reaction to those disappointments was much the same as what I see in other people as they struggle through disappointments in their lives...God, where are you?! Those of us who have been in church most of our lives can easily quote Deuteronomy 31:6 " Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you" But the truth is during those times of disappointment early in my walk in relationship with God, I didn't believe it!  I would cry out to God with that same verse asking where He was.  I wanted so badly to believe He was beside me, but honestly, I felt alone and abandoned.  I had head knowledge....I wanted to believe what God's Word said, but my circumstances just didn't speak to that.  My experience was not lining up with truth.

When that happens, our immediate human nature response is to throw out "truth"!  Our experiences must be what is accurate in our human, world-based mind, so we come to the conclusion that the "truth" has to be wrong.  And that is the biggest lie from the pit of hell!  It is exactly what the enemy wants us to believe.  Because when we begin to believe that our experience trumps truth, we start to doubt God. If satan can start us on the path of doubting God, he can unravel just about any part of our faith and our testimony.  

When we face disappointments, and view them through our flesh, through our experience, through our circumstance we are left with three conclusions:

1. I didn't hear God right in the first place
2. God is not trust worthy
3. God doesn't really exist

Can I be honest?  I have entertained all three of those conclusions at times of disappointment in my life.  After I came home from Sierra Leone without Eden, number 3 was my conclusion.  I was ready to walk away from God.  I was so close to the line of denouncing God and going about my days living life for what felt good and right to the senses, to doing what made me "happy"!  But that is why God says we are to live by faith and not by sight! I praise God that in that exact time, I was reading Captivating.  I had amazing people in my life to speak truth during that time right after I returned without my daughter.  But I wouldn't talk to them.  I knew what they would say, and frankly, I didn't want to hear it! But for some reason, I kept reading this book which is evidence that God will use whatever He can to reach us in our time of despair and need!  In Captivating, the author speaks of a woman who is so at ease with herself because she finds her strength and identity in the Lord that women are at ease with themselves in her presence.  I don't remember the exact wording, but it spoke of being able to "breath" in this woman's presence because there was room to breath based on her ability to rest in God.  I didn't know about all the God parts of that woman, but I knew deep down, throwing out all morals, all laws, all boundaries, the thing I wanted more than anything else in life was to be that woman!  As soon as that thought came over me, a still small voice said, "And how do you think you will be that woman without me?" And that began my journey back to God.

The next steps of faith were harder to take as I didn't want to experience disappointment.  I struggled for almost a decade with how to handle when walking by faith didn't produce anything I thought I would see! But God was so faithful to continue to write and perfect my faith through calling me to acts that would test my ability to trust Him.  To be able to handle disappointment and not turn all the emotions of that disappointment into disappointment in God.

I was watching the Bethel sermon from last Sunday, March 17, 2013.  If you are struggling through any disappointments, I would highly encourage you to watch it!  And Bill Johnson said, "God's ability to redeem hellish situations is so profound, the Church has jumped to conclusions assuming God designed the hellish situation....We must distinguish between what God approved, what he ordained, and what the enemy meant for evil."  That is profound people!  Until we can do that, we will never fully trust God.  Until we can do this, the enemy will always taunt us with questions of whether God is truly good or whether we can truly trust God.  Until you have walked through horrible situations and can say without a doubt God is good and can be trusted, the enemy will call those truths into question in your mind.  Bill goes on to say that death, loss and destruction are the enemy's fingerprints.  God can absolutely, and he does in amazing ways, use those circumstances to draw people to Him or to transform His people, but they are not from him!

One of the statements that made the hair stand up on the back of my neck this past week was about adoptions situations and when they don't go as we plan.  The statement pretty well said just accept it.  It was God's will.  I just wanted to scream, "NO! IT'S NOT!"  God is a God of restoration, healing, life!  Anything that is death, destruction and loss is from the enemy!  Does God allow those things, yes!  Will I ever understand why He allows them?  Not fully...His ways are not mine...or yours!  But when we fall into the thinking that those events, those circumstances that bring death, loss and destruction were His ordained will, we have created god who is not to be trusted.  We create a god who is not love.  We create a god who is not faithful.  And that is not the God I serve!

It has taken me nearly 10 years to be able to write this post with confidence and absolute belief!  Meaning, I know in my core, I have experienced in my inner being that even when things don't go as planned, God is good!  God is trustworthy!  God is faithful!  I could quote the scripture before, but it was just empty words....now those words are supported with belief and "knowing"!  It took "losing" another daughter to get to that point.  

To be continued.....

It's Not for Comfort

My first week down with the new job..and there were many moments I wondered what in the world I got myself into!  There were many unexpected challenges as some things were not in order that were thought to be in order when I took the position.  We were very short staffed which meant I was in a baby room most of the week while also trying to figure out how the office ran.  It was challenging to say the least.  But I survived!  And really, I am enjoying working with other adults instead of alone as I do with the agency.  And I know I will enjoy the tangible difference I see in the center as things turn around, and we take it to the next level.  God has brought some pretty awesome people to our center this week.  I hired a head start teacher who will start in a couple of weeks.  That is what I had prayed for...trained, experienced teachers.  I also have staff that have stuck with us through the transition which after last week, I realize is a miracle as it has been stressful on them as well.

As I went to bed exhausted and sick one night this weekend, I just cried out to God, "WHY?!"  As mush as I really do love being at the center and having the opportunity to love on and pray with and over so many children, I really was not looking for any more responsibility or things to do.  Yes, the extra income is nice, although once again I find myself in a position where I could work at most fast food places and make more per hour than I am currently.  I have had several people ask me "why?!" who knew all that was already on my plate.  After you are asked that enough, you really start to wonder...did I miss it? Am I really that dumb to have taken this on?

So I went back to the One who I believe asked me to take it on.  I cried out and again He answered.  First, He reminded me that what I am doing in the daycare has eternal value in the lives that it touches both children and parents.  Then He also reminded me of my passion for the Body of Christ that we now call home.  It is a small church that struggles financially from time to time.  But the potential in this Body because of the heart of our people, and our pastor, for people to intimately know God in a life changing way and our desire to see God's glory go public, makes me dream of the lives it could impact for the Kingdom.  But we need resources.  The learning center is one way to raise revenue that can impact the church and equip it to do what God has for our part of His Body.  And that renewed my commitment to what I am doing. Then we watched the first episode of The Bible.  As I watched the part about Moses, how he stepped out and told the people God sent him to free them - many laughed and scoffed.  Only a few believed him. I was encouraged about the reactions many have had to the news that I was taking on this responsibility.  So many stories in the Bible are about people stepping out and doing the unpopular or out of the ordinary thing - having a baby while still a virgin and unmarried, marrying a pregnant woman who could shame your family, building a great big boat when it had never rained, raising a sword to kill your son - the one who would fulfill a promise of descendants that out number the stars in the sky- and the list goes on and on. God reminded me that many times life with his is not comfortable!  But oh how that goes against what most of America is about!  Work until you have enough to retire comfortably then travel the world.  Get your children raised so you can enjoy life to yourself.  It seems that most of what our society is about is comfort.  But nothing about what God is about is comfort.  He calls us to a life of surrender!  Don't get me wrong, I don't think He calls us to a life of martyrdom either where we are constantly throwing ourselves on a sword for "his cause"! But I think there are seasons of growth.  When He answered me on whether or not I should take this position, He told me it was for training.  Training is hard. Training stretches you.  Training is not comfortable.  I guess maybe that has struck me so hard because I thought after all this time that I had overcome the need for comfort.  I thought I had conquered the American dream of just coasting through life.  Yet when I was stretched, the thing that I regretted was that I couldn't just be comfortable.  Which is why I am in need of more training!

Day one of this week wasn't much better as I worked a 13 hour day between the agency and the daycare.  Luckily it is Spring Break here so John is off with the kids.  But as I walked in the door and saw that the babies were already in bed, I burst into tears!  I miss my kids!  I know they and John are my first ministry.  So I will be finding balance in the days and weeks to come.  I have learned I am an all or nothing person through becoming a working mom.  That makes balance a really difficult thing!  When I am home, I just want to be home and don't want to think about work.  When I am at work, I just want to work and find it hard to leave things undone to to home.  Thinking this is probably another part of my training ground....listening to the still small voice Who has a plan for my day and trusting that He orders my steps!

So on to day two of week two!

Because I didn't have enough to do...

Because I didn't have enough to do, today is the first day of a new adventure.  Today is my first official day as Director of LifeHouse Kids, the daycare at our church.  No, I am not quitting Addy's Hope.  Just adding a couple of work weeks to my day and a few hours to the days I already work.  Once again, God shows how He works a thread through my life preparing circumstances and situations so that things I don't even know are on the horizon can work according to His plan!  I love that about Him!  Makes me trust Him all the more when He tells me to take a leap of faith!

We have a small church.  But we have this really great facility that is a daycare.  We live in a town that is in an oil boom and is in a population explosion....like no where to live, people living in tents type of explosion!  Most daycares have a year waiting list of they are the sought out places.  We are licensed to care for 146 children and have around 55 enrolled.  I just share that to show that there are some things that I think can be done to bring up our standard and bring in some more kids...we should not have openings with the need that is out there.

Each time I would visit with John or one of the leaders about the daycare, I would get this weird excitement about the potential for it...not just as a daycare, but as a ministry!  Where else do you have 55 little souls coming to your door who may or may not have any exposure to Jesus except when they are with you?  Where else do you have two parents at least, many times more with divorces, etc, that you get to interact with to shine light in darkness?  Then there are the precious ladies who work to take care of the children.  What an opportunity to pour into lives of women to encourage them in their calling in life and to teach them about their identity in Christ if they don't already know Him!

If you had ever told me I would run a daycare, I would have told you that you were nuts!  Once again, God has placed a desire in my heart that He had to put there because it was never on my radar, for sure! But I am super excited about this opportunity. I don't know how long it will last.  It may be months, it may be years.  But I know it is God, and that's all I needed to know to jump on board!

In wrestling through whether to take the job, and I do mean wrestle, my main issue was all that I already have on my plate!  I would totally talk myself out of it, but didn't really have peace.  But yet taking the job didn't make sense.  At least not when I looked at circumstances.  I mean where were the hours going to come to do the job?  Where was the energy going to come to complete the tasks?  I feared that I would go back to the fog of the last season of life where I rarely felt joy, was constantly tired and just had a goal to make it to night so I could sleep and get up to try it all again.  I don't ever want to return to that place!  I truly feared putting myself in a position of demands that would lead to that type of life again. Well, we all know fear is not of God!  So I would go back to my quiet place, get in the Word and ask God for a clear answer! Truly the only real "pro" on a pro/con list was the income it would bring in. The agency is still a ministry.  The salary I draw is less than what I would make if I quit and went to work for just about any fast food restaurant   For those who are not local, we are in a bubble around here when compared to the rest of the nation's economy...just about everywhere is hiring and paying up to $14 as places like McDonald's just to get warm bodies who can do the job at a minimum.  Our growing family continues to have financial demands that were not being met.  We have been praying for relief from some specific financial issues.  I kept asking John if I was like the man stuck on the roof in the flood who kept telling the boats that passed that he didn't need a ride because God was going to save him.  I didn't want to drown waiting on a miracle while the practical answers went right past me!  Yet, I know God can work miracles too.

I had resolved that there was no way I should take the job...then I overheard a lady touring the learning center where Madison and Journey go three days a week.  She was telling the director that her kids go to LifeHouse and let's just say she didn't have nice things to say!  As I listened, I was grieved.  Not just because I knew the potential for the learning center is huge, but because the name of my church is attached to that!  We have an amazing pastor and congregation.  We are small, but growing. Very few people even know we existed.  It is like no place I have ever been a part...and I don't want the first thing people hear about my church to be what this lady was saying....because even though it was about the daycare, the image people have of the daycare is the image they will have of our church.  You can't separate the two in public opinion!

So back to my quiet space...more wrestling.  When wresting through things like this, I have come to the place that I will not act until I have a clear Word from God.  Either a yes, a no, a wait, or a "I don't mind which way you go, just pick one and then jump in with all your heart doing it with excellence!"  If God had given me the latter as a choice in this one, I would probably not have taken the job just because of the demands, but He didn't!  Instead He used a quote in a book I am reading to convict and confirm what He had already spoken in my quiet time with Him that morning.

I am reading Outrageous Courage by Kris Vallatton.  It is an amazing and inspiring book.  It is about a girl who had radical obedience and steps out in faith to do crazy things in the mission field!  There is a chapter with the title "Learning to Run" and was where I was reading during my wrestling match with God one day over the job.  Here is part of what this chapter said:
"Even as God heals us, however, it is vital to understand that He is not turning orphans simply into functional citizens, but into royal sons who look like Jesus.  To use Paul's metaphor, in order to run the race of the Christian life, we must not simply be healed of our broken legs-we also must train them to run with speed and endurance.  And everyone knows that in order to build speed and endurance, you must consistently push past convenience and comfort.  Similarly, as we learn to run as sons and daughters, God will lead us to face challenges that are difficult not so much because of wounds in our past, but because they press us to our limits of faith, emotional and physical strength, social skills, knowledge and love.  One of the primary goals of this training is to help us align our desires and expectations with God's desires and expectations for us and let Him define our successes, failures and assignments.  It is only by embracing the Father's goals and expectations that we run the race to win, for He designed the racecourse in the fist place."

That hit me right between the eyes!  The whole reason I didn't want to take the job was because I had found a place of comfort again!  I had found that place where life just rocked along.  Which means I had found a place where I could probably do life without daily reliance on God.  And isn't this what we in America see as a goal...a place of comfort and "rockin' along"?  He was asking me to take on something that will demand once again that I rely on Him to set my schedule and give me the strength and endurance to make it through my days.  But what He kept showing me was, He wants me to enter this period so that I can take what I learned in the last season like this and apply it!  That way I can walk through this season with a little more grace and joy!

So today I embark on yet another journey with the One who I owe my life!  A journey that He knew was around the bend when He opened the door for us to put Addy's Hope offices in the church building.  So I can literally be at both jobs at once and continue my work with Addy's Hope while overseeing the operations at the daycare.  I don't know what it still amazes m when God works out these little details like that!  And hopefully on the other side, I will see that I did in fact complete this race with a little more grace and joy than the last season of stretching I went through!

No Greater Joy as Mom

We have a very exciting day today!  I woke up with great anticipation.  As a mother, I know that today is the most important day in the life of one of my children, and pretty significant in the lives of two others - as what we do today in those two will lead to what is happening in the other!

Today, my sweet Ava Claire will be baptized as a symbol that she has given her life to God!  Her story is not like the other children, where we have a specific date she gave her life to the Lord.  And once again, God reminds me it's not about me and my neat little story for the scrapbook, but He is writing my children's future.  Which is such a great thing for many reasons, one of which, who knows when that scrapbook page will ever be made anyway!

I had started praying for Toben and Ava both to recognize their need for a savior.  We have had very direct conversations and Bible study times to introduce Jesus as their savior, but neither one of them really grasped and could articulate the need or desire for Jesus to take their sins and rule their lives.  Their salvation is one of the things I am believing God for in 2013.

About five or six weeks ago, I sat down with Ava to do her Bible study.  We still struggle with finding a time to do Bible study with all the kids.  It is very sporadic and inconsistent, but we are still working toward that goal!  Maybe by the time Journey leaves home, we will have figured out a system.  Just another part of the story that reminds me God is pursuing our children even when we aren't perfect parents! Praise God!  Ava and I read Romans together where the scriptures point to a need for a savior to save us from our sins.  I start to ask some questions to see if Ava has any clearer understanding, and she says, "Mom, don't worry!  I already asked God to come into my heart."  "When?!" I ask.  "In Sunday school, we were singing songs, and I just felt close to God and asked Him if He would come into my heart and He did!"  So I ask, "Did you tell anyone?  When did this happen?" To which she very nonchalantly replies, "I don't know, a couple of weeks ago.  And no, I didn't tell anyone, just talked to God about it!"  So I do what any normal mother does, I grabbed her up and cried and told her how proud and excited I was for her!  I asked her if she knew what the next step was, and she said, "Sure, I need to be baptized!"

Seriously, this girl has a crazy exciting desire for God's word!  I know that over the past few months, God has been wooing her to Himself as I often find her in her room or in a quite spot in the house reading her Bible.  She may not understand every Word, but the enemy does, and he flees when God's Word is read.  And her spirit understands, and most importantly, the angels of heaven understand and are immediately sent to fulfill God's Word for Ava as she reads it out loud believing God means what He says and says what He means....truly a childlike faith!

"I have no greater joy than to hear my children walk in the truth." 3 John 1:4  Truly walking that scripture out this morning as I am full of joy unspeakable as I prepare for church this morning knowing that one of these precious lives entrusted to me will demonstrate her desire to serve God all of her life.  I used to think, that meant I had pretty well completed my spiritual job as a parent!  However, now I know the truth is that, now I have the fertile soil to begin planting the seeds that will take root and grow into the foundation and beyond that she will need to live the life God has called her to live!  Now we begin pouring into her to make sure she is equipped!

But I love her story because it is such a great reminder that we don't have to be perfect parents!  I am not discounting the need for direct Bible study with our children, but it is reassuring to know that God pursues our children even when we are not perfect parents.  He led Ava to Himself which is what the Bible says He does.  We introduced her to Him through Bible studies, taking her to church and living a life that follows Christ ourselves - talking out some of the decisions we make with our kids pointing to God's direction as the reason.  But ultimately, there were no fancy words or amazing prayer on my part...just a simple time with God in worship that brought Ava to the reality of her sin and the amazing answer in Jesus!  I also love her story because it should encourage each of you who serve thankless hours in children's ministry!  You never know what Sunday "Ava" will accept Jesus as their savior and not even tell anyone....you will know when you receive your reward in heaven!  So THANK YOU, Ms. Lyndsey, Mr. Logan, Ms. Tonya, Ms. Jessica, Ms. Gigi, Ms. Linda, Ms. Megan and the others who serve in our children's ministry! Thank you for providing an environment that ushers in the Holy Spirit and allows Him to convict, speak to, and redeem children!

Along with that celebration today, we also are honored to stand before our church family and commit to raise Madison and Journey in a Godly home, pointing them continually to Him and equipping them for the life God has for them.  We have taken so long because we dedicated Paizley the baby dedication right after Journey was born, and she didn't want to share it with Journey.  The next baby dedication they had at our church at that time was the weekend Peighton was born.  So we could not attend church that Sunday.  So this is the first time since Journey was born and Madison was adopted that we could have the honor of dedicating them to God and promising to raise them in His ways.

To all who have spoken into my children over the years, thank you!  We are so honored with family and so many friends and spiritual family who love the Lord and our children!  The impact you have on our children does not escape us.  And we truly are thankful for you!

Off to get ready....I have an amazing day ahead of me!

When life seems to be tossed in the air..

I am going on my second night of 4 hours of sleep.  No sick kids! Thank you for health, God! Not really worried, just restless.  God has placed a few things in John and my heart.  In one of them, we kind of feel like Abraham...He has said GO! but we have no clue which direction to even GO! in, yet we know He wants us to take a step of faith before He reveals the entire plan.  But we don't feel like we even know how or where to step so we stand with our foot poised in the air ready to move but just not quite sure where to plant our foot! (and for those wondering, NO! this has nothing to do with my Number 8 post! Hee!Hee!)

I sat last night with our budget, my calendar and some work papers laid out on the dining room table and just stared at them!  A representation of three areas that need some major miracles from how I see it to work!  I tell John all the time that there is a reason moms of large families do not work!  It is a full time job, yet God has called me to this amazing ministry of Addy's Hope - and it is that, a ministry.  In the 7 years since we opened the doors of Addy's Hope, it has not been in a place to provide a financial salary that matches the work I do.   I would be fine with that, except the older the kids get, the more expensive they are and our finances are stretched to the max.  It's hard not to look around and think, "If I put in the same hours there that I do at Addy's Hope, I would make ______!" I know my rewards for Addy's Hope are eternal, and I really can't put a value on that, but my local grocery store won't take that to pay for the groceries my kiddos eat!

There are a couple of opportunities that are before us.  I have sought God.  I have asked for scripture to back my answer....about the time I settle in on which direction I think I need to go, something happens or someone says something that makes me think I missed it.  I am about to the point that I think God is saying, "you choose!  Here is what path A will mean and here is what path B will mean, and I am really ok with either path.  Just pick the one you want."  Maybe that is the problem, I want the end result of both paths, but that is impossible!

Ugh! You ever been there?  Despite how I feel this morning, I know some Truths! First, I have the mind of Christ!  Therefore, the paths are not a mystery.  It just means I have to get still before God, get in His Word and listen.  I know He is not a God of confusion.  He will bring peace when I have set my foot on the path of His will.  Circumstances mean nothing.  God is not a God of circumstance, He is a God of miracles!  He parts the waters if a sea is in the way.  He shuts the mouths of lions if obedience finds you in a lions' den. He even keeps not just the flames but the smell of smoke away from you if honoring Him lands you in a fiery furnace.  And in reality, my situations that I am perplexed in are simply a matter of which blessing do I want to enter into!  There is nothing bad happening. In fact, I have found joy unspeakable over the past few months!  I have a renewed skip in my step. I have found the secret of hiding under the shelter of the wings of God almighty!  And for that I am thankful!

So our life may be up in the air right now, but I know things will land soon.  I know God will be faithful to complete that which He started and I know that as long as we continue to seek God with an open, willing heart, the end will exceed anything we could possibly hope or imagine no matter which path we end up planting our foot and heading down!  Life with God is amazingly awesome!  If you don't know Him, you are missing out!  And if you know of Him but haven't encountered Him, take some time to be still with Him!  He wants to reveal more of Himself to you!  Go on a date with God! He is the greatest Love I have ever know!

Have a great Thursday!  Be blessed!

Number 8

I really should be working, but this blog post has been trying to come out for a week now.  Just haven't sat down to get it out...then friends post things like this:

As I came to the blog to type this, I saw my last post titled "Saying Yes"...well, there is a theme God seems to have me on...one I really thought I had gotten down...thought we had circled this mountain enough times I had learned my lesson...seven started adoptions, an adoption agency from the ground up, an orphanage in Liberia, an adoption ministry in Liberia, now a domestic program for waiting children, mom to seven, new church...haven't  I learned to say yes? Haven't I learned to let God be God..Lord of my life? As long as there is any area unsurrendered to Him, then the answer is: No!

Ugh! Really, God?! Haven't I said yes to enough? I mean look at Sally Sue over there, she __________ (fill in the blank with whatever you think is "enough")! Ask her to do something why don't you?  So for those of you who thought I had all this maturity, now you see the real me! :)

This has been just a few of my thoughts over the past few days as God has taken me back to a Sunday morning when Journey was just two weeks old.  I was teaching an adoption class at our church and through a speaker on a video we were watching, God told me there was another one.  Yes, another child.  I went home and wrote it in my journal.  I didn't tell anyone...not even John for weeks!  This would for sure get me committed to the loony bin! He gave me what I believe are some outlines of who number 8 is.  But as soon as He dropped the thought into my mind that we weren't done, I went to bargaining with Him!  I love babies!  So if we have to adopt again (yes, I meant "have to"...remember my attitude is the whole point of this post!), then I want a baby.  I want to bond or attach or whatever the professionals want to call it with this baby from the beginning!  I want to watch her grow up and protect her from whatever I couldn't have protected her from before she got to me even at a young age that caused her to need me to begin with!  And since I am not getting any older, God, would you please send her now?! Except I don't really think I can handle a baby now, so maybe wait a year or so, but if you wait a year or so, then I am starting over again, and I am really ready to be done with bottles and diapers.  So if we have to wait then maybe she should be older and maybe in about 10 years when I have recovered from the past two years?! Maybe send her now but make her the same age as Journey.  Oh, yes, that would give me THREE toddlers, maybe I didn't mean that! Ok, well you can send me a baby or maybe a toddler...or maybe not, but if you are serious about this, something has to give! I need a housekeeper at least.  My floors will never be swept again with just one more child.  Or how will I feed her or clothe her or have the brain power to listen to her lovely stories about nothing like little girls love to tell?  Better yet, God why don't I just tell you, I. Am. Done!

Silence

God?

Then finally...

You call me God.  You cry out to me as Lord, but you tell me what you will do or not do when I tell you there is more? You give conditions to what you will accept as my call on your life despite the fact you know adoption is the reason I created you for this time here on earth? You can not call me LORD if there is even one area of your life that is not surrendered whole hearted to me...all of it!

Matthew 7:21 says it this way: “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven."  I am not saying that my salvation is hinged on if I agree to adopt child number 8 or not, but it definitely says that simply calling Him Lord, doesn't make him Lord of my life!  Surrender makes Him Lord of your life!

I have said many times recently as I come out of the fog of the past two years that I know God added the last three children quickly because if I had time to really contemplate how hard things were between any of them, I might not have said yes to all of them.  I don't mean the children are hard, I mean life has been hard....learning how to juggle that many children, those mounds of laundry, finances for a family of 8, and on and on.  I feel as if I am just now getting my head above the water I was drowning in to breath! And now God, you would ask me to add another one?

I am reminded of Jesus in the garden when He prayed and asked that this cup pass from Him.  If Jesus who was fully man but also fully God asked for His entire reason for leaving heaven to come to earth to be taken away, I think God understands when I wrestle a bit through the things He may be asking me to do....but in the end of the wrestling, I have to be willing to say as Jesus did, "nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will!" (Matthew 26:39). I finally got to that place in worship this week!  Lord, I have no idea how I would do that! I have no idea where another baby would fit into our lives, but I refuse to live my life with any area unsurrendered to you!  Radical obedience is my desire for 2013...even if that includes number 8!

There may really never be a number 8, I am sure not actively pursuing that right now (Mom, if you are reading this, you can breath again!).  Perhaps God is asking me to put my Isaac on the alter and will provide a ram instead of me sacrificing my "son" as He did for Abraham. (Genesis 22).  I don't know for sure.  But I do know anytime I have any area that I say to God...if this is the direction you are taking me, the answer is no, then I have an area that is unsurrendered! And as long as I have breath, I am determined to live completely and totally surrendered to the One to Whom I owe my life!

Saying Yes

I really should be getting on the road as I return home to my family today, but I know the opportunity to share my experience this weekend and most recently this morning will escape me once the business of life takes over.  And I hope this story will encourage any of you who may be standing on the edge of a call and are trying to decide if you want to take that step of faith or turn around and run a different direction.

I came to our friends house this weekend to write the book on spiritual warfare in adoption.  When I left home Friday, there was really no question of "if" I would write it.  God has told me to, and my very act of making the time and arrangements and getting away this weekend was out of obedience to what God told me to do.  Period.

But once I started writing, the reason for the location so far from home and the time away became clear!  I spent most of yesterday in tears.  As I would write, the voices would taunt me with how controversial this topic will be.  I thought back to my years working in Liberia where I stood for ethics and would not pay bribes or work in shady ways to bring children home.  My reputation, my character, my ministry, my family, my sanity...it was all drug through the mud in that season of life.  Not exactly a place I want to return.  This past season has been a difficult one, but at lease it was a private season of refining.  We got to pick and choose who was in the know about our battles.  Liberia was not just out there, but even in the media at one point! The flashbacks made me reconsider writing the book. I found myself deleting entire lines and trying to rewrite them in a more politically correct or potentially less controversial way.

For a few hours, I really couldn't figure out what was happening.  At first I thought it was just the emotion of reliving part of the past few years, but I really didn't think that was eliciting the emotions I was feeling.  I wondered if this is what they call "writer's block".  But I finally realized what this weekend was about!  Yes, I was able to make progress on the book. I have written parts of five different chapters and over 6,000 words this weekend.  But this was not just about writing, it was about solidifying my acceptance of the task God has asked me to complete. It was about God seeking an answer from me about the task and me accepting the task knowing exactly what it could mean.  It was me saying YES in spite of all that could be on the path.  Ironically, it was me doing with this book what I am writing about families doing in their adoption journey!  Gotta love God's sense of humor!

At one point, Saturday afternoon, I started to delete all I had written and go home.  I was done and didn't want to continue writing or even consider making a finished product that would be published for others to read and scrutinize.  But on the way up here, I listened to a podcast about Christian writing.  One of the things that the podcast talked about was the reason for you to write.  One of those reasons was to change the world.  Now, I don't think my book will change the world, but my motivation for writing is that adoptive families need this information and it is not out there right now.

I have amazing prayer warriors as friends.  Twice on Saturday when I didn't think I could continue, I received text messages at just the right time encouraging me in what I am doing.  Those friends were the voices that silenced the other voices telling me to quit.

 This morning I went for a walk.  This is the path I was walking on

 I love going for walks as I walk and talk to God.  Not usually out loud but sometimes I even talk out loud!  I have always been able to hear God better and just feel closer to Him out in nature.  But this path wasn't all that inspiring, honestly.  Then I turned a corner and looked up....

This is what I saw!  It was as if God said, "walk into my sanctuary and sit a minute!" I walked under that tree into the grassy area just past the fence and a cool breeze blew as if the breath of God had just blown over me. I probably should have removed my sneakers.  That was how holy this ground felt as I walked into it!  I looked up and there was this rock - and God said, "Sit awhile."

I looked up and this was my view - the cool breeze still hanging around me.

 I don't know that I have ever felt the tangible presence of God in my life as I did in that moment.  I wasn't sure what to do.  Talking didn't seem appropriate.  I was afraid if I just sat, my mind would wonder and I would lose the moment.  So I did what I thought I should do in the presence of God, I wanted to sing a praise song.  I started to sing and the song that came to mind was from way back ...O God, You are my God, and I will ever praise you!  O God You are my God and I will ever praise You!  I will seek You in the morning, and I will learn to walk in Your ways..O God you are my God and I will ever praise You!  As I sang, God brought to mind the thoughts I had faced this weekend about the book.  He told me to look at the covering of the trees in this place, to feel the cool air. This path is learning to walk in His ways.  I know God gave me this moment to cling to if battles come over the content of the book.  He reminded me that He promises to be my protector, that He hides me in the shadow of His wings just like I was hidden in this place in the middle of dead grass and cleared land for new construction.  He reminded me that just last night John called me to tell me about a letter we received in the mail that ended a month long battle over a totally different issue but that had the potential to completely alter my life.  But God has promised me on that journey to be my protector and defender as well.  The timing of that letter is not lost on me.  He reminded me that when I get still, He will meet me.  He reminded me that obedience rarely happens without sacrifice on some level.  He asked me for a commitment to see this project through but reminded me with my commitment to see it through came His promise to never leave me or forsake me.

We serve a faithful, personal God!  I don't know what if any trials will come because of this book.  I know I now have specific prays for my prayer warriors about not just my writing of this book but about the reception of and the impact on the audience I am writing for.  But God so tenderly reminded me this morning that the outcome of the book is His to determine.  It's His job!  My job is simply to write the book in obedience.  My job is to say Yes to His call!

Is it worth the wedge?

So I am away from the family for the weekend!  Not just a fun trip, although anytime my husband graciously takes over the healm and allows me to get away, it's fun...and relaxing...and a blessing!  However, this is a trip with a mission!  I am picking up writing the book I started earlier this year on the spiritual battle of adoption.  I am in an amazing home thanks to our friends Susan and Arnold Nall who have an empty house this weekend!  At this moment I am sitting on a fabulour orange "couch" - pretty sure that is NOT what you call it - while I type away.  I feel so pampered!

I had a five hour drive to get here.  That means five quiet, nobody screaming "mommy!", no fighting, no needs hours!  I had my phone loaded with praise music and podcasts! It was a little piece of heaven on earth!

As I drove and worshiped and prayed, God brought up a sin that I have struggled with for years.  I am a sinner, I know that full well!  I don't want this to come off like this is my "only" sin.  I know that I sin every day, but as a mature believer, I should not have deliberate sin.  Meaning, I shouldn't start to do something, hear the voice of God tell me not to do it, or just know already it is wrong, and do it anyway.  That is what I call deliberate, or willful sin.  This sin that God brought to mind was a willful sin.  But God didn't bring it up to condemn (there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, Romans 8:1).  He brought it up to make me aware that the struggle over that sin is gone.  It is a sin that was a stronghold.  I had received deliverance before from the stronghold that resulted in this sin.  But I slipped back into the sin....lots of reasons why that I am not going to go into here.  But what God revealed to me today is that the sin is no longer a struggle becuase I know that when I took part in that action, it caused a separation between me and God (2 Corinthians 11:3, But I am afraid that as the serpent deceived Eve by his cunning, your thoughts will be led astray from a sincere and pure devotion to Christ).  Not a separation where I lost my salvation!  I don't earn my salvation, I can't lose it by sinning.  Goodness, then we all would lose our salvation every day!  That's not the separation I mean.  It's a loss of intimacy with God.  When John and I have a fight over something, there is a wedge between us.  We are still married, but the conflict between us makes it difficult to express our feelings to each other.  All analogies break down on some level, and I know God's love for us is constant and never changing, but when I am taking part in willful sin, I cannot have a sincere and pure devotion to Christ thus preventing the level of intimacy I can enjoy when I am walking in the light and not participting in deliberate sin!  God showed me that the reason my struggle over this sin is gone is becuase the level of intimacy I have with God in this season of my life is not worth risking for the temporary gratification of the sin!

Now, you may be going, "duh?!"  But here was the kicker for me.  I realized in that moment that obvilously my relationship with God, from my perspective, before was worth sacrificing for the immediate gratification of the sin.

It left me with this very interesting question: If we are not affected by the wedge sin puts between us and God, then is our relationship with God as intimate as we might think it is?

Just some food for thought.....

I am one of "THEM"!

I haven't been much of a blogger lately.  It has not been for lack of material to blog, just lack of time to blog it.  But I am hoping to change that.

The last two years have been quite the season.  I don't think I would go so far as to call it a dark night of the soul, but to say it has been a season of pruning and stretching doesn't quite pay homage to the depth of work God has done in my life.  I hope you will see in the posts to come that God has radically change my life through the course of these past 18-24 months.

This quote by Bill Johnson in When Heaven Invades Earth probably best sums up my journey: "It's important to understand God's promise and purpose for the Church so that we might become dissatisfied - so that we will become desperate. Intercession from insatiable hunger moves the heart of God as nothing else can." Over the past 15 years, God has taken me to places that I was quite sure I was at the end of myself.  However, if those places were the end of myself, then this past season left myself in the dust and took me to the end of a place I didn't even know existed!  But in that place I became desperate for God in a way I have never been.  And God was true to His word: when we seek Him we will find Him!

So often in this past season I found myself desperately clinging to the promises of the Bible while trying to line up my circumstances and reality with what the scriptures said.  To put it bluntly, they didn't mesh!  So my search began for why they didn't!  What I found has changed me forever.  What I found showed me that while I survived this season, I lived most days in defeat with bloody wounds where I had allowed the enemy access he should have never had.  I did the best I could with that I knew then.  I have some regrets, but I have no condemnation or "I shoulda's" because I truly lived this season on my face begging for wisdom, direction, mercy and grace.  There are a few things I can look back on and wish I had handled a different way, but I also remember the despair and weariness of those times....words that demonstrate even more the defeat I lived in many days.

I am walking out of this season with revelations about God - not head knowledge about who God is said to be, but heart experience about who He is to me!  There is a difference!  We have a new kitchen which is a blog post for another time...part of that remodel is an amazing pantry, and on that pantry floor is Psalm:8, "Taste and see that the Lord is good." I don't know that I purposely set out to "taste" in this season, but walking out of it, I can testify that I have tasted, and indeed the Lord is good!   Yes, my family was turned upside down and inside out.  Yes, my ministry and calling on my life has been tested and attacked.  Yes, I have a daughter who is not a part of my life right now.  Yes, I have a grand baby who has no idea who MiMi is.  Yes, I have another grand baby coming into this world in June who I may or may not get to hold in my arms.  Yes, my identity has been turned upside down as defined by stay-at-home mom.  But there is not a path that I have walked the past months that I would not walk again.  Could I head down some of the paths if I knew what they would hold, no.  That is why it's called faith! If it was sight, I would surely have turned around or fainted from fear at what was coming up.  Do I wish some of the paths had taken different turns, absolutely!  But the paths on this journey have brought me to a place of desperation for intimacy with God like no other time in my life.  And for that, I am eternally thankful!

It will take awhile for me to get it all out here, but I will write as God leads.  It's part of my instruction for 2013 - share what God has taught me and walk in obedience!  But what you  need to know about me is now I am one of "them"!  I have been radically touched by a living God.  I have experienced His presence like never before in my life...and once you have experienced Him, there is no turning back!  Holy Roller, Charismatic, Jesus Freak, Radical, Weird, Over the top, what ever the title used to describe one who is totally and completely sold out to Jesus with no box to keep Him in and only the expectation of new revelation and a desire to bring honor and glory to God like never before, well that's me.  We have a saying at our house right now, "The weirder, the better!" - not for "weird" sake, but for the purpose of experiencing God in life changing ways that allow us to then touch others in life changing ways.  

Before you right me off and quit reading because I have left theology for "feelings", let me leave you with a couple of thoughts that when put together should challenge any American Christian - "Unless I do the works of the Father, do not believe me." John 10:37 NKJV And in the words of Bill Johnson, "Jesus gave people the right to disbelieve it all if there was no demonstration of power upon His ministry.  I hunger for the day when the Church will make the same statement to the world. If we're not doing the miracles that Jesus did, you don't have to believe us." And before you discount him, let me leave you with this final word - "Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these he will do, because I am going to the Father." John 14:12

Challenge: based on this standard, who would believe you?  And if you are not using this standard, why not?  

Check back!  Let me share where I was....it was a long trip to this place!  Don't discount it yet.  Hear me out.  All of us who have accepted Christ as our Savior have the authority and power to walk each day in victory here on earth....we don't have to wait until we die and go to heave...Your Kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven! And that's my prayer for each of you!

They Wait Wednesday

I am starting back up with They Wait Wednesday!  Now I can actually place these children in adoptive homes through Addy's Hope!  We are contracted with the state and ready to empty the Texas Foster system of children waiting to be adopted!

This week, I am featuring Tynavin, "Ty"!  He is a precious 8 year old little boy with a contagious smile!  You can read more about him here.  Email me at hollyann@addyshope.com if you want information on how to adopt Ty or any of the other 6,000 kids waiting in the Texas foster system!  They need you!

Christmas 2012

Christmas is a little different around here this year.  Ok, a LOT different.  Just look back at my blogs from years past, and you will see how we normally do Christmas.  This year, we have A tree.  That's it.  In fact, we are going to have to get in the attic and dig out the stockings before Monday.  They never came down.

There are a lot of reasons for the lack of ordinary festive decor this year.  The home remodel is one.  We still have the finishing touches on the kitchen remodel and time is precious to get these things done right now.  The thought of using that precious time to put up all the usual decor for Christmas was a bit...ok A LOT overwhelming for both John and me.

That's the easy answer.  Just didn't have time.  But the truth is, there are some deeper reasons why only A tree graces our home this year.  I. Am. Tired.


The past two years, especially 2012 has taken more out of me than I thought I had left in me to take.  Don't stop reading for fear this is another downer post about Christmas.  Nothing could be further from the truth! Second Corinthians 12:9-10 pretty well sums up my year:  But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me! So for the sake of Christ, I am well pleased and take pleasure in infirmities, insults, hardships, persecutions, perplexities and distresses; for when I am weak [in human strength], then am I [truly] strong (able, powerful in divine strength).


This Christmas has meaning like no Christmas before.  Christmas celebrates the birth of my King.  My Savior.  My Lord.  My Best Friend. My Rock. My Fortress. My Redeemer. My Defender.  Never before have I understood those names like I came to know them this year! 

My Best Friend, My Redeemer, My Defender, My Savior
Not long ago, I was crying out to God.  I was begging Him to help!  I was at my end.  I was literally crying out with my audible voice in desperation to God over a situation where I had been falsely accused of some actions that had the potential for devastation.  It seemed as if the accusers were winning, that the accusations would stand without my defense being heard or acknowledged.  "How could God do this to me?", I thought. "How could that God who I was just beginning to trust let this happen to me?"  And immediately the cross came to my mind.  God in His loving and compassionate way reminded me that He more than anyone knew exactly what I was facing.  Jesus, His son, My Savior, left the comfort, the safety of heaven to come to this earth as a human baby.  God knew when He sent Him, and Jesus knew when He came exactly how it would end.  How could He ask me to walk the path I have walked this year when He knew exactly how it would end? Because He had already walked it!  

He, the One who had NO. Sin. None. Was accused of many sins.  Then he was spat on, beat and mocked, falsely accused.
For.
Me.

How could He ask me to endure the trials I was facing? Because He had already faced them for me.  Every time I look at a manger scene this season, I think of the choice Jesus made. For. Me. and YOU! He chose what I was begging to be released from.  He didn't have to endure it, He chose to endure it because He knew in the end it would bring my freedom from sin and allow me to spend eternity with Him! How could he ask me to walk this path I am on?   ^"For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin." Hebrews 12.  He could ask me because I had not come close to the sacrifice yet that He made for me. 


My Lord
I have always admired Mary.  She has been one of my favorite characters in the Bible.  Not because she carried Baby Jesus in her womb, but because in the face of all it meant, her only response to a request made of her by God was, "I am your bond servant. May it be done to me according to your word." Luke 1. I want to be like Mary when I grow up.  I don't want to belly ache when God asks me to do the hard stuff.  Mary risked it all!  Her family, her church, her fiance, her future.  She placed all of it on the words of a messenger from God! No why's, no excuses, no "I'll do that laters". Just  humble, respectful, faith-filled obedience. If I truly desire God to be Lord, then NOTHING is off limits! Not my children, not my family, not my finances, not my friends, not my ministry. NOTHING! I must say, may it be done to me according to your word...then trust Him to fulfill that Word.

Abba, Father
Never before have I understood my Abba, Father's heart as I do this Christmas.  I know this comparison breaks down on many levels, but because of the past year, I have a new understanding, awareness, revelation of what my Abba, Father must have felt that day when He heard His Son cry for the first time.  The vulnerability that cry engulfed.  The pain that must have coursed through my Abba, Father's heart as He knew the dangers of this world His son would have to face.  I can't even begin to wrap my human mind around what God was thinking in that moment.  Watching a child walk away from our family to a life that holds so many dangers gave me a revelation about all God did for me by allowing His son to enter this world as a baby in a manger that we celebrate each year.  I love my friends dearly, but there is not a one of you that I would have let my daughter go for in order to save you.  She is too precious to me. No matter how much I love each of you, I love my daughter more. But not my Abba, Father! He loves me...and you...enough to send His Son into this earth with the sole purpose of suffering for our freedom. Oh how I have taken that sacrifice for granted.  No words.  There are no words to describe the feelings, the gratitude, the humility that rises up in me when I think of how my Abba, Father was willing to sacrifice His own son in order that I...and you...might live! Thank you, God!  How can I respond with anything less than my life?!

A Gift
It was a gift.  A free gift.  We celebrate Christmas because Jesus was born.  But without the cross and the Resurrection, that baby born in the manager would just be a sad story about a broke young couple with nowhere for their baby to be born, right? But that's not it! That baby would grow up, work miracles, then die on a cross to be raised three days later.  All of that to offer you and me a gift of eternal life. A gift of abundant life here on earth and an eternity worshiping Him in His presence! I just have to receive it.  I can never earn it. But no matter how amazing it is. No matter how beautifully it's wrapped or how bright the gift makes your future, you have to accept it for it to matter.  And even after the gift of salvation, there are gifts every day that God offers us.  Every time we choose to walk in obedience and not rebellion, there is a free gift, a blessing.  Don't confuse the two: salvation cannot be earned! Most blessings on the other hand are tied to obedience and walking with God.  After walking the path I've walked the past two years, I have a clearer understanding of what it does to God when we reject any of His gifts. Watching my children reject the gifts I have to give them or the instruction I have given that will protect them from harm reminds me that my Abba, Father feels the same when I disobey or walk outside His protection.  I don't set rules and give instruction because I want to make my children miserable.  I set rules and give instruction because they are safe for my children.  I want to protect them from the outcomes that are harmful to them.  Oh how our Abba, Father feels the same!  This Christmas, I am keenly aware of the pain I cause my Savior and my Heavenly Father when I choose a path outside their will.


After the past two years, and 2012 specifically, I know that baby in the manger like I have never known Him before! As I celebrate this year, it is with a depth I've not known before. Through all the trials, I have come to understand like never before that the trials I face (and I am not saying to wish for trials or to think the trials even come "from" God! - that is a theological discussion for another time...or not)  if I allow them to, will throw me directly and intimately into the arms of my Savior! And this Christmas, that is what I celebrate the most!



Indeed, we felt within ourselves that we had received the [very] sentence of death, but that was to keep us from trusting in and depending on ourselves instead of on God Who raises the dead.[For it is He] Who rescued and saved us from such a perilous death, and He will still rescue and save us; in and on Him we have set our hope (our joyful and confident expectation) that He will again deliver us [from danger and destruction and ^[c]draw us to Himself], 2 Corinthians 1:9-10

Photo Book

Click here to view this photo book larger

Shutterfly baby photo books are the perfect way to preserve your baby's precious moments.

Happy Thanksgiving, Paizley!

Paizley, this picture was taken two years ago this week!  It was the first picture of us!  Since I don't have a phone number for you, I wanted to send you a message on the slight chance that you might see this today, just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving!  On this day, I want you to know that  you are loved, you are covered in prayer, and you are missed! Happy Thanksgiving!

Love,
Mom
Psalm 139

More of You, No Matter the Cost!

I've really got to stop writing posts like the last one!  Seems that every time I do, I'm challenged on the truth I put into words.  Later the same day that I had written the post, I received a letter in the mail that opened a firestorm of events in my life.  Events that would bring a first for me.  You know when you say on a phone call, "get this fixed or you will be speaking to my attorney?"  Well, I had to make good on that for the first time in my life yesterday!  Someday I will share details - but right now, please pray for me.  I am up against a system in our society that I have learned this week is known for it's retaliation and blackballing of people who whistle blow.  And anyone who knows me knows that nothing gets my blood boiling like injustice....and this system works with underprivileged people all the time!  If they are doing this to me, I cannot even imagine what they are doing to those who do not have an understanding of the system or have the means to fight this giant!  It is on their behalf that I will fight this!  I wear a bracelet that says, "Be the Change!"  Putting feet to that in this situation.

Then we get news about a family member that sent us to our knees in fear as well as concern and overwhelming sadness.  The battle with the social system had me once again wanting to walk away from the work that I do.  I know the enemy is out to get my ministry.  It is evident.  As I was in between phone calls on Monday dealing with the current issue, my phone rings and it is a reporter from the New Yorker calling to fact find on the piece I gave information for over a year ago (that honestly I thought had already gone to print and I just missed seeing it) about the corruption in adoption in Liberia when we worked there.  I am going to have to find the post of when we brought Toben home and re-post...not even sure I ever really posted about it because it was such a traumatic event at the time.  Google my name.  You will find a news article that says I trafficked children.  That was what we found when we got on US soil with our precious Toben after a 10 day fight!  Working internationally and accused of child trafficking.  Working domestically, and now this.  It was as if God was sending me a message with the call from the New Yorker..."Remember what happened when the enemy did this?  You spent a couple of weeks worrying if the FBI was going to show up on your doorstep and arrest you.  Nothing came of that!  You almost laugh at it now.  You will do the same of this situation!"  It was in that moment that God solidified once again the call He has on my life.  I'm not special!  He has a call on all our lives...you have one on yours too!  And then He reminded me of the week I went to Austin and had some life transforming moments with Him.

I listened to Bill Johnson podcasts all the way to Austin that week.  He spoke right to my soul!  He taught on some things that God has used to literally transform my life, my thinking.  The podcast that challenged me the most was "Being the Sacrifice Fire Falls On".  Google it and listen to it, but beware!  It is life changing!  God reminded me yesterday that I had prayed the same prayer Bill Johnson prayed....more of you, God, no matter the cost!  When Bill Johnson prayed that, he woke up paralyzed three nights in a row.  It's an amazing testimony!

Within weeks of coming home from that trip where I prayed with all my being to experience more of God and to know Him at a different level than I ever have, a child left our family, my house was torn apart by a remodel, my marriage hit some bumps and my ministry is threatened!  Every area of my identity has been rocked!  The small voice came back, "Do you still mean it?  Do you really mean  whatever the cost?"  And in the face of all the conflict, especially the threatening of my ministry, and in a moment that I truly believe God was saying, "You can walk away!", I knew I really did mean it!  More of God, less of me, whatever the cost! Bill Johnson says it best:

"Doesn't matter what it costs.  I died to that a long time ago.  I'm not in this because of what I get, I'm in it because it's what I was born for.  I was summoned.  I was called by The Only One who has a right to rule my life. I was summoned, I was called by name.  I would be a fool to say no to that summons, that call, that invitation. [I have a desire] to be the offering, that which attracts God."

Don't hear me say that God puts us through trials for kicks or for His own pompous need for us to need Him.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  He allows trials in our lives for our own need of Him.  In our weakness is when He is strong. It is in our raw need that we see Him the most.  It is in our desperate times that we learn to lean on Him...when we literally have nothing or no one else. And that is where these events have left me!  Raw, vulnerable and totally open to the presence of God because He is the only One who can bring peace.  I have learned to find contentment in any and all circumstances.  I have learned to not be led by emotions.  I have learned to trust Him and fight the enemy not believing the lies the enemy tries to throw at me.  I have learned to live by faith - being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see - in a way I never have.  I have been challenged to believe that without faith it is impossible to please God and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him!  To believe any of that, I had to believe what I read in the Bible is truth and "reality" and not my circumstances!

And in the face of it all, I say, if I get a more intimate knowledge of God and relationship with God in the exchange, I say, YES!

Released

There is no manual for how to act when you have a wayward child.  There is also no manual for how to act when a friend has a wayward child.  I'm thinking me and a couple of friends could write one of those!  We have some crazy stories!  But God brought some direction...some instructions yesterday through the blessing of a dear friend!  Oddly enough, that same friend joked with me that she needed more blog posts to keep up with me...so Tracey, this is for you!  You have no idea how you blessed me yesterday!  THANK YOU!!!!

I had the pleasure of spending some time with my dear friend Tracey yesterday.  Tracey and I met in high school, but became kindred spirits when we were in the same Sunday School class after graduating college.  We have been through marriages, a miscarriage, births, all our adoptions - those that failed and those that brought a new life to our home...over 20 years of life together!  Through numerous moves on behalf of both of us, we have remained friends and stayed in touch.  And she is not even on Facebook!  So it's like a real, old timey relationship! Tracey has always been one of my biggest cheerleaders!  Every time we get together, whether it has been weeks, months, or years, we pick up right where we left off.  I have learned over the years that is the mark of true friendship!  Every time we meet, Tracey never fails to tell me how much she admires me.  That always blows my mind because Tracey is one of about three people on this earth who know ALL of my scoop!  I don't think there is anything in my closet that Tracey doesn't know!  And the fact that she is even still my friend knowing all she knows is pretty amazing..much less has such lofty things to say.

Yesterday Tracey invited me to come to an event at her parents' church (the church where we rekindled our friendship all those years ago) where she was the featured guest bringing the program.  The theme verse for the event was 2 Corinthians 9:8 "And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."  It was on the wall behind where Tracey stood to sing and speak.  I love holidays!  This is absolutely my favorite time of year!  So being at the event where everything is festive would normally be a thrill for me.  But as I walked around the room looking at the themed tables and greeting long time friends that I hadn't seen in years, something was off.  There was a fog, a heaviness.

Tracey got up to sing.  She sang lots of oldy moldies as she said from our youth!  I'm not particularly fond of thinking of songs from my era as oldy moldies, but I guess I am getting to "that" age.  Tracey challenged all of us to put aside the stressed of the day, the week and just concentrate on the blessings in our life.  As I did that, there was this voice that popped up and said, "when you are thinking about the blessings, don't forget the pain of the one not with you!"  The fog was back.  Immediately, I heard that still small voice that has become my comfort and my strength over the past few years say, "That's not me!  That has never been me."  I realized in that moment that since Paizley left our home while we were out of town that day, I have felt a need to be sad.  I have felt like being happy or being fully joyful was wrong.  I have never lost a child who live in my home to death.  We lost Addy, and that was very painful, but it was different than losing a child you have held, poured into day in and day out.  John and I have talked often that having a child who walks away from your family is much like a death in the family.  There is obviously still the hope of reconciliation someday that you don't have with a death.  And I don't mean to lessen the pain of my dear friends who have lost children to death.  But as I sat there yesterday, I thought of stories I have heard of moms who have lost children to death and how they weren't sure how to be happy again.  I felt that tug of war in my soul yesterday.  The pain of the past few months, not just missing my daughter and granddaughter, but the false accusations, the total rejection of who we are, has been more painful than I could have ever imagined.  But God's word says that joy comes in the morning!  The problem was, the enemy had me convinced that the morning couldn't come until my daughter was fully reconciled to me.  The problem with that is...that reconciliation is not my choice.  So my "joy" was dependent an event that I couldn't control.  One of the adoptive parents I am doing a home study for has hit some of the bumps we all face in the adoption process.  We have talked quite a bit about the spiritual side of adoption.  She had sent me a message earlier that day.  God as setting the stage for me!  I love it when He does this!  Reminds me again of just how much He loves me (and YOU by the way!), and how personal He is! The message was from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers.   It was on obedience.  John 14:15 - If you love me, you will obey my commandments.  It talked about how obedience is a choice. God will not force us to do what He asks, He is a gentleman.  Two years ago, we obeyed.  That obedience is what God uses to show Himself to us and to others.  The outcome of the obedience isn't what I had hoped and definitely not what I had dreamed, but the obedience - doing what God asked me to do - and the continued obedience in this situation, is what God is asking of me.   In that moment yesterday when Tracey asked us to count our blessings, 6 faces popped into my head as the breath of one of those blessings brushed my neck as I held her in my lap.  I pulled her a little closer to me and the tears began to fall.  The release had come!  God had spoken.  "Stop making yourself pay for what you had no control over.  You obeyed when others would have ran.  You obeyed when others told you to run. Stop forcing a cloud over every family event.  Enter this glorious season of thankfulness and of celebrating My Gift to you with a full heart."   Wow!  I didn't know!  I didn't realize until that moment I felt I had to have an element of sadness to every family event we did - family pictures, carving pumpkins, watching a movie as a family.  I felt like I had to almost verbally acknowledge the missing piece before we could go on with our event.  But God released me from that!  I can enjoy the holiday traditions we have as a family without having a moment of silence that someone is missing.  My other children deserve a mom who is all in...not holding back because there needs to be a cloud over all we do.  

There will be times of sadness, I know.  There will be genuine mourning in the coming holiday season.  But I am released, free to celebrate our family traditions, free to dance with my children, free to relish making Christmas cookies, and free to be Thankful for the blessed life I have as we gather around a table in a few weeks!  Free to fully feel joy and peace despite a missing piece!

And that my friends, is the peace that passes all understanding that only a God who knows the pain of losing His own Son for MY sins can bring!  I owe Him my life!