Are we protecting ourselves out of obedience?

CallieAnn, my 17 year old daughter, and I were driving to the Celebration of Life service for the mother of one of CallieAnn's friends. This isn't just "some" friend, but one of her closest friends. She is one of the ones that spent enough time at our house that I consider her an honorary daughter and not just a friend of CallieAnn's. CallieAnn was making fun of me as I bawled as I drove because she had just played the new Ed Sheeran song Supermarket Flowers. If you haven't hear it, go listen! But grab the kleenex first!

It got quiet as we both reflect on where we were headed. Than CallieAnn said, "You know, we sure have had a lot of tragedy in our family!" I kind of glanced at her and said, "No, we really haven't had much tragedy at all." I mean we haven't loss many people. John's and my grandparents are really the only deaths we have faced, and they died when most of our children were not yet born and those who had been were young. But as CallieAnn clarified what she meant, I realized it wasn't tragedy that she was talking about, but trauma. We haven't had a lot of tragedy, but we have had more than our fair share of trauma...chaos.

And her next question was, "Why?" And immediately I knew the answer was obedience.

We talked for a few minutes about how we have chosen a life of obedience that has meant life was not comfortable. It really made me think about how we truly have said yes to God in so many ways that meant some sort of trauma entered out home. It has changed my children. It has exposed them to things that I know many work to shelter their children from. I have struggled from time to time knowing that our choices have brought heartache and trauma to our children that they would have avoided had we just chosen the safe path versus the obedient path.

I see so many articles on social media by well-meaning Christians warning about the "dangers" of this and the "dangers" of that. But every time I read one of those I have to ask myself, are we as Christians, charged with protecting our families? Are we supposed to view our life experiences through a lense of protection? I really don't see that to be the example we were left with in how Christ walked out His life.

He walked with the ones no one else would walk with! His followers were imprisoned for the obedience they chose. CallieAnn's question just made me ponder if in America we have chosen to value comfort over obedience. When I meet Jesus face to face, I want to be hear that I said yes when He asked not that I chose the safe path...even if it means life is not comfortable.

God's Timing: A Lesson from a Tree

This is my favorite tree on our property. I was walking past it a couple weeks ago and saw that it had budded out. My immediate reaction was, "Oh no!!! It has budded too soon! We will have another freeze, and it will lose all these buds!" I would be extremely sad if this tree wasn't able to leaf out. As I stood contemplating the fate of my tree for this season, God whispered, "Timing is important! If you bloom too soon, the frost will get your buds." I think I laughed out loud! God knows how much I struggle with His timing, and like the good Father He is, He was taking advantage of this teachable moment.

We are on the verge of one of the largest growths in the agency we have had since we created it 12 years ago. How many times over the 12 years have I wondered if anything would really come of the agency? How many times did I wish it was "bigger" because I felt like what I was doing was insignificant or worthless? All of those moments came flashing back as times I thought I was ready to bust out my blooms, but God knew if I were to do that, a freeze was waiting to take it all away!

I smiled, thankful for the gentle reminder of the lesson of waiting on God's timing that I had learned from those experiences. I started to walk off. Silly me! I have walked with God long enough to know, if He started this conversation, there was problem more than just a fun reminiscing of lessons learned. There was a Truth for today.

Just a few days earlier, a friend had shared a prophecy warning of holding an umbrella over dry, cracked ground that was thirsty for the rain God was sending. The message was to allow the rain that God was sending to saturate the dry ground. I had been tossing that around praying through what it meant. As I started to walk off from the tree, God brought some clarity. He reminded me that blooming before I was ready was not the only timing issue I had to trust Him with. As I glanced over to Jim, our horse standing just a few feet behind the tree that had become my object lesson for the day, that small voice whispered again. "Not only do you not need to bloom too soon, but you also don't need to pull back on the reigns when I send the vision into full motion!" Ouch! I would have been just find to look back on those memories of wanting more but learning to trust Him to bring it in His timing. But no, God had to go and remind me that I was afraid of the things He had shown me needed to be happening because I just did not see how it would work.

We are in one of the craziest seasons of our lives! We are still trying to crawl out from under the crazy moving/remodel experience of this summer. We still don't have all the remodel completed (lack a few things in the kitchen and an entire bathroom), we still have boxes to unpack, systems to get into place, and some painting to do. The agency has become busier than it has ever been all while our children's needs are at a place where they need us advocating, and loving, and connecting and providing for them more than we ever have. John's job is also going through some transition that is pulling him in different directions and brings more stress and demands. Then my parents had a serious car accident last week, and I saw my daughter and oldest grandson for the first time in three years, and met my youngest grandson for the first time ever! It seriously could not be a busier, more demanding, emotionally exhausting season of life. So I find myself pulling back on the reigns of the things God is saying to let run, NOW! I find myself throwing up an umbrella afraid of the rain that is falling.

The buds have grown out more now. I can see them from my windows. We haven't had a hard freeze since they started coming out, but I suspect we will. I do not really know what it will do to the tree for this season. But every time I catch a glimpse of a bud, I smile because I hear that small voice saying, "Do you see how big that tree is?! What is happening in this season will be another ring. Another year of growth. Another layer of strong bark turned to an inner ring. Don't stop by just looking at the buds...look at what I have done over years and years. Trust me with your season! It's just one piece of the puzzle I am working in your life to build and mold and shape you into who I have called you to be! Listen. Trust. Obey. Then leave the rest up to me!"

Foster Care Redesign: A Call To Action

Yesterday I posted my testimony that was given to the Senate Health and Human Services Committee regarding Senate Bill 11. Senators Schwertner, Uresti and Nelson are the authors of the bill. I have spoke to staffers in all of these Senators' offices. But we need MORE voices! The only voices being heard right now with regard to Foster Care Redesign and further privatization are the ones who profit from it or who need to "save face" because they helped design it! There are amazing Senators on the HHSC who truly have a heart to do what is best for children. They need to hear us! We are the only ones who can speak up for the kids! 

This is a complex issue that I am going to attempt to make into bullet points that are easy for you to communicate to your Senator and Representative. If you do not know who your Senator or Representative is, go here to find out! In addition to your Senator or Representative, please contact those Senators who are on the HHSC! They are: 
Senator Charles Schwetner (Committee Chair) (512) 463-0105
Senator Carlos Uresti (Committee Vice Chair) (512) 463-0119 
Senator Dawn Buckingham (512) 463-0124
Senator Konni Burton (Senator for the current Redesign Area) (512) 463-0110 
Senator Lois Kolkhorst  (512) 463-0118 (If Senator Kolkhorst is your Senator, you should be very proud! She has a true heart for children and appears in the hearings to be seeking real solutions for positive outcomes for all children!)
Senator Borris Miles (512) 463-0113
Senator Charles Perry (512) 463-0128 (Senator Perry also shows a genuine concern for the outcomes for all children! You have a great child advocate in your Senator if Perry represents you!)
Senator Van Taylor (512) 463-0108
Senator Kirk Watson (512) 463-0114 (Senator Watson is new to this committee, but he was very involved in the hearing and seeking an understanding of the real issues and the best solutions for children! His office also expressed a desire to see a pilot of the current system fully funded! Please call his office if you support funding CPS fully so that workers can do their job and let him know he has your support!)

When you call say:

"This is ___state you name___ my zip code is ____7XXXX___. I am calling to voice my concern over the privatization of DFPS rolls in Senate Bill 11 as well as the continued roll out of Foster Care Redesign. My concerns are:

• The private sector has already proven it does not have the capacity to serve the needs of Texas children in care.  
• Redesign limits the number of adoptive homes available to children who are legally free for adoption
• Redesign outcomes being reported do not accurately represent actual outcomes for some populations of children. 
• Families willing to adopt older children and large sibling groups are being denied placement
• Redesign is said to be the best model for children yet the roll out has missed deadline after deadline delaying the process of reform. A fact that does not address the immediate dire situation of our children in care as articulated by Judge Jack in the federal ruling. 
• Redesign is said to be the best model for children yet CPS workers in more than one region have been told speaking out against it will result in a loss of their jobs, and redesign contracts include a silencing clause.Why can those who know what is happening to children in redesign not speak out about it if it is good for children?
• Redesign creates a competition within areas of the state that results in poor outcomes for children in other areas of the state. Do we want a system that is best for some Texas children or all Texas children? 
• There needs to be an independent audit that ensures redesign is creating the actual outcomes that are best for all Texas children and families. 
•  Senate Bill 11 suggests several pilot programs for privatization of multiple CPS rolls. This would result in many DFPS employees losing their jobs.
• There should be a pilot program to fully fund a region from investigations through post placement to examine outcomes if the legacy system is given the needed resources to function with recommended case loads, maintain workforce, etc. Could it be that our current system will provide the desired outcomes for all Texas children if it is funded the way redesign is being funded? 

I have the same information below with some bullet points that expand on the concerns. If your Senator or Representative would like more details or needs more explanation to fully understand the issues with redesign and Senate Bill 11, I am happy to visit with them and provide more details, copy of emails, contracts, etc to back my concerns. They can reach me by calling Addy's Hope 432.897.1503.

• The private sector has already proven it does not have the capacity to serve the needs of Texas children in care.  
• The first redesign area failed completely when Providence withdrew their contract and left the children under their management in limbo as they moved back to CPS management.
• The current redesign area has been funded with $6 million dollars of private money. Money that cannot be guaranteed for all areas of Texas.  
• Redesign limits the number of adoptive homes available to children who are legally free for adoption
• For Example:  Agency B in Houston has 350 licensed adoptive homes. Agency B does not desire to contract with the SSCC in Catchment Area 3B because it is not lucrative for them to do so. Now children in 3B no longer have access to the 350 homes licensed by Agency B. This drastically reduces the odds of waiting children finding a forever home and increases the odds that they will age out of foster care.
• Redesign outcomes being reported do not necessarily accurately represent actual outcomes. 
• It is reported that adoption numbers are up in 3B. However, adoption agencies, CPS employees and CASA all report a decrease in matched adoptions as well as an increase in time it takes for the process to be completed when compared to the legacy system. When asked specifically about the number of matched adoptions being completed, we have been told those numbers do not exist.
• The numbers being reported for adoptions reflect the numbers of all adoptions including kinship as well as foster homes adopting children who become legally free. They do not accurately reflect the outcome for our older, harder to place children who are not being matched for adoption.
• Families willing to adopt older children and large sibling groups are being denied placements
• placement of a sibling group of 4 was denied placement under Providence in 2014
• placement of a 16 year old was attempted to be blocked until adoptive parents advocated on her behalf for placement
• both scenarios were due to a contract issue and could have moved forward under the legacy system without issue
• families licensed for adoption with agencies under redesign are waiting 12+ months to be matched. With many of them becoming frustrated with the system and stopping the process. Comparatively, families licensed to adopt in the legacy system are waiting 3-6 months to be matched.
• Redesign is said to be the best model for children yet the roll out has missed deadline after deadline delaying the process of reform. A fact that does not address the immediate dire situation of our children in care as articulated by Judge Jack in the federal ruling. 
• Redesign is said to be the best model for children yet CPS workers in more than one region have been told speaking out against it will result in a loss of their jobs, and a contract from the current redesign SSCC for an adoption agency contained a silencing clause. Why can those who know what is happening to children in redesign not speak out about it if it is good for children?
• Redesign creates a competition within areas of the state that results in poor outcomes for children around the redesign area. Do we want a system that is best for some Texas children or all Texas children? 
• a town hall meeting in 3b revealed the testimony of a foster mom who has an empty bed, but the CPS office 20 miles from her has a child sleeping on the floor. Because she was in 3b, and the child was not, the child had to remain on the floor and her bed remained empty. 
• There needs to be an independent audit that ensures redesign is creating the actual outcomes that are best for all Texas children and families. 
•  Senate Bill 11 suggests several pilot programs for privatization of multiple CPS rolls. This would result in many DFPS employees losing their jobs.
• There should be a pilot program to fully fund a region from investigations through post placement to see if with the needed resources the legacy system will provide the desired outcomes for all children and maintain the CPS workforce we need to secure to ensure the safety and well-being of Texas Children. 

THANK YOU for speaking up and being a voice for children! Please share with anyone who you know who has a concern for the current issues facing our children in state care!

Foster Care Redesign Is Not Working In Texas

I have had several people asking me about my testimony last week at the Senate Health and Human Services Committee. I ended up discarding my planned testimony to address the misinformation that had already been spoken in the hearing. I simply spoke to the Committee about my experience and the reality of the system for children. However, the Committee did receive this written testimony.

The hearing was actually over Senate Bill 11 which has Foster Care Redesign moving forward across the state, but even more alarming is that it wants to privatize even more rolls of CPS! If you know someone who works for CPS, you need to make sure they are aware of this Bill.  It would do away with their job with DFPS. This Bill is very alarming! I will be posting bullet points tomorrow that I would ask everyone to call their Senator and Representative to voice the concerns and challenge the misinformation being given.

This is what I presented to the Committee:

To:                   House Health and Human Services Committee Members

Background/Perspective:

I am a former foster parent, mother to 9 children (6 of whom are adopted), and executive director of an adopt only child placing agency. I have managed a contract with DFPS for adoption services for the past three and a half years. I attempted to secure a contract with Providence, and currently have a contract with OCOK. I have been a part of the adoption community for the past 15 years. I have a passion to empty the Texas foster system of children who are legally free for adoption, but remain in foster homes because of a lack of adoptive homes. I have a passion for recruiting, training, and supporting adoptive homes to ensure successful, life-long outcomes for our children who cannot return to their biological families.

Problems with Senate Bill 11

First, let me thank the committee for seeing the current state of our child welfare system and desiring a change. I commend you for that. However, upon reading the majority of Senate Bill 11, I am left with a sense of dread as it is clear that the issues with our system have been misdiagnosed. The issues that plague our current system and result in poor outcomes for children cannot be fixed with the continued roll out of Foster Care Redesign or the privatization of more case management services.

My concerns over privatization of any aspect of case management for our children as well as the continued roll out of redesign across the state come not from theory or unsubstantiated fear. My concerns come from my actual experience with redesign and the current philosophy that the competition of the free market will ensure better outcomes for children.

My first experience with redesign was in 2014 when Providence, the SSCC in the catchment area for regions 2 and 9 refused to discuss a contract with me as an adoption only provider. During my first phone call to Providence I was told “We would never stand in the way of children finding a home.” That changed over the course of my 6 week battle for a sibling group of 4 to be placed in one of my licensed adoptive homes. I had a contract with DFPS. I met all of their requirements. My licensed home was located in the same catchment area, but because the SSCC would lose money by placing the children in my licensed home the placement was denied. That is a decision that was driven completely by profit margin. The outcome for those four children was a sentence to languish in foster care for three more years. One child remains in CPS custody still today. The siblings who would have remained a unit, are no longer able to live in the same home. Did redesign fix the system for those children?

Providence withdrew their contract in the midst of my conversations with the HHSC as well as Kaysie Reinhardt the DFPS Foster Care Redesign Director. As I continued to work in Region 9, my agencies home region, to place waiting children in licensed adoptive homes through my DFPS contract, I would have to wait 6 months for a case file for a little girl and her brother so that one of my families could move forward with adopting them. When I inquired time and again why we were having to wait, it was stated that the overwhelming task of transferring cases back to CPS from Providence had left the department paralyzed. What we would learn later is that every Sunday of that 6 months, that little girl went up to the alter at her church and prayed for an adoptive family. She had an amazing foster family who did a wonderful job of beginning her healing process and preparing her for a forever family. However, week after week, the little girl expressed her feelings of rejection that no one wanted her as their forever daughter. The heart ache of trauma of this little girl was extended by 6 months because of the failed privatized system of foster care redesign. I am happy to report that once redesign was out of the way, the little girl’s prayers were answered. She and her brother are thriving in their adoptive home and have far exceeded anyone’s expectations of progress in the time they have been in their adoptive home. Redesign did not fix the system for these children. And the case turn over when Providence withdrew leaves the question, what will we do with massive case turnovers when a SSCC does not renew their contract if we continue the move to privatization. There is not a good answer. It is an inevitable occurrence that will once again leave Texas children vulnerable and unaccounted for.  We are simply exchanging the cancer that currently plagues our system for another.

This was not an isolated occurrence with Providence. In the January of 2016 I was contacted by CPS and asked if I had an adoptive home for the twin sister of a 16 year old I had placed a few months prior. The sister was now ready to be adopted, and her amazing CPS worker was attempting to find a home geographically close to her twin sister to facilitate regular contact between the twins. Again foster care redesign threatened to stop the placement of a 16 year old girl simply because of financial reasons. I have black and white emails where the SSCC worker was willing to let her remain in an RTC instead of working to place her in an adoptive home that was ready to take placement – and could have moved forward without any hesitancy in the legacy system. Thankfully the potential adoptive parents along with the adoptive parents of the twin sister already placed advocated for their daughters. With the help of Representative Brooks Landgraff and Matt Krause, we were able to secure a contract with OCOK in order to place this young lady in a home where she is currently thriving – maintaining regular contact with her twin sister. For this young lady, redesign was a huge step backwards. She has a bright future despite redesign.

I hear many sing the praises of foster care redesign. There are many goals of redesign that I support 100%. However, as a person working on the ground, I do not see those goals being obtained for the children of Texas. I hear reports that are given by the people with a vested interest – either an interest in financial gain or an interest in saving face that redesign is worth the tax payer dollars it has used. This leads me to one of the biggest concerns of child advocates with privatization. How do we ensure quality outcomes when profit margin is the driving force? I am perplexed when I speak to those at DFPS as well as some who serve on the PPP for redesign. They all state there are amazing outcomes from redesign. It leaves me wondering where is the disconnect between the theory of what should be happening in this privatized system and the reality of what is actually happening for our children in care. For example, everyone I speak to about my concerns with adoptions under redesign refers to the increased number of adoptions occurring in catchment area 3b.  Yet, I have a conversation with the CASA office in Johnson County telling me that they have not had any of their children placed in adoptive homes in months and are wondering why that would be. I personally have experienced an increased delay in the process of selecting children for adoptive homes under redesign. If I am working with a CPS worker directly in the selection process, it takes a matter of weeks. Twice I have had to enlist the assistance of Governor Abbott’s office to simply get a phone call or email returned to by OCOK letting me know if children are still available for adoption or if my family was selected. Yet the numbers say adoptions are increasing. When I asked Ms. Reinhardt to see the numbers for actual adoptive placements of children who are legally free for adoption and placed into matched adoptive homes, I was told that data was unavailable. The adoption numbers being reported include those where children were adopted by their foster family as well as kinship placements. These are amazing and highly desired outcomes for those children. However, the reporting of those numbers as “adoptive homes” gives an inaccurate representation of the outcomes for our harder to place children who are remaining in foster homes when they should be in permanent, adoptive homes. 

I would encourage those on the HHSC committee to talk to the people on the ground. Ask foster families and CPS workers if they see an improvement in our system under redesign. I have yet to speak to any CPS case manager or foster family who feels redesign is a good model. At a town hall meeting in catchment area 3b, foster family after foster family expressed concerns over lack of support and poor outcomes for children. One foster family stated that they had a bed available in their home that was 20 miles from a CPS office where an infant was having to stay at the office due to no “available” bed. This foster mother was a 3b home and was therefore not allowed to take placement of this baby sleeping in a CPS office. So while redesign may show that fewer children are sleeping in offices, what do the numbers of the regions around redesign say? Is anyone looking at the entire picture to see what creating a competitive market for children’s cases does overall to Texas children? I have a string of emails I will be happy to share that show a region 3b family reaching out to a CPS worker in another region about adopting a Texas child because she has had no movement on her case in months. The CPS worker has a child she would like to consider placing in their home after visiting with the family. However, the placement is not allowed to occur because the family is told that her agency will not release her home study for a placement of any child outside of 3b. This young man’s only other family being considered was in New York. I believe this is an unintended outcome of implementation of redesign. But is anyone looking at these unintended outcomes? Or are we just looking at the numbers in the catchment area and ignoring the negative outcomes for all other Texas children?

Based on my experience, I would have to say the latter. CPS workers have been told they cannot speak out against redesign, or they will lose their jobs. My initial contract with OCOK had a silencing clause in it. Had I signed the contract as it was originally sent to me, I would not be able to sit before you today exercising my right to speak up for children without the threat of legal action against me. This begs the question, if redesign is all the numbers say it is, why do we have to silence the people who know the actual outcomes for children?

I understand the concept of free-market supply and demand. In a consumer driven market, consumer choice drives the demand for quality. I am told that is what will maintain the quality of care for children under privatized systems like redesign. Yet, I know providers who are being paid less under their contracts with OCOK than they were under contracts with DFPS. When asked why that is, service providers are told that OCOK must recoup some of it’s cost somewhere. How is paying a middle man, in this case an SSCC, making the best use of the funds available to in fact provide quality service to our children? That fact alone defies the entire philosophy of creating a privatized system that will ensure quality care of our Texas children.  We already have a vast shortage of agencies willing to license families for adoption only due to the drastic profit loss when an agency moves a child from a foster placement to an adoptive placement. That shows that outcomes for children will in fact be affected by a system based on monetary incentives. How will we ensure biological families are protected, and every child who could be returned home will be when an organization would profit from the child remaining in care? You cannot afford to give large enough incentives to reunify a child compared to what an organization would earn for keeping the child in care.

We need not look to Florida or any other state to see if privatization of DFPS case management works. The private sector in Texas, of which my organization is part, has proven is does not have the capacity to manage the vast needs of our children in care. This is why Providence failed and why we have seen no other redesign roll outs despite deadlines that have come and gone for the next SSCC to take over.

Suggested Solution:

I believe if someone brings a complaint to the table, they should have a proposed solution as well. The sections of Senate Bill 11 suggesting we continue the roll out of foster care redesign as it is as well as begin to create privatization of other case management currently under the supervision of DFPS are simply exchanging one crisis for another.

I work with amazing people with DFPS who have a heart for children. They have a desire to do their job well so children have positive outcomes. However, they simply cannot do their jobs because of caseloads and supervisor turnover. We need to funnel all of our available funds into strengthening salary scales, and hiring more workers to make caseloads manageable. We need to have accountability on the local level and empower our regional offices to engage the community and take ownership of their outcomes for children. Harris County is giving us an amazing example of how this can work. Let us learn from their success and stop redesign roll out. We cannot simply exchange one cancer for another. We need real, proven, successful outcomes for our children. We must look at the facts of redesign as they apply to all Texas children and understand it has not truly created the outcomes it was in theory able to create. We cannot allow competition for outcomes and profits in one area of Texas by an individual organization keep children from another area of Texas from receiving quality care of permanence. We must not be divided in our efforts to help children, but come together united for all Texas children.

The question I leave with you is: if you want to continue the roll out of privatization of any case management of children where demand drives quality, what is the price tag for ensuring our children have the safety and future they deserve? I am quite certain it is a price you cannot afford. 

***After hearing some amazing people who have a heart of the children of Texas speak against Senate Bill 11 and all it's challenges, it became clear that there should be a pilot program that would fully fund one region of CPS from investigations all the way through post adopt programs. Lets fund the current CPS program with the money they are using to fund redesign and see if by chance what we have now will actually work when it is fully funded! Our children do not have time for us to get this wrong....and Foster Care Redesign is too costly and has already failed in one of two attempts! Our children cannot survive under those odds! 

When your Yes brings regrets: Face to Face with Flesh

December is always a time of great reflection for me. Christmas, my birthday, my anniversary, a year closing, a new year starting...this December was no different with the exception that I was reflecting on one of the hardest years of my life to date!

As I see 2016 come to a close, I have felt more and more bitterness and regret creep in. I don't really like either one of those emotions...and I am pretty sure that they are not part of my heavenly nature! So that means I need to do a check and see where they are coming from!

If I am honest, they have been hanging around the better part of this year. I don't know if it is getting older, realizing I have probably entered the last half of my life, or whether it is just weariness from a life lived on full blast without the self care I should have done. But whatever the reason behind it, I have had to do some reflecting to see how to get rid of it!

As I looked for the root of my bitterness and regret, every root led back to a tree that grew from a "yes" I had said to God. There are yeses in my personal life, professional life, married life, spiritual life, mom life...all kinds of parts of my life that if I had not said "yes" I would have missed out on some pain and frankly just some hard stuff! Stuff that has felt like it has taken the literal life out of me!

But I believe the Bible! I believe the Truths in it. So when my feelers don't align with what I know to be Truth, then it's time to find out why and get the feelers back in line with the Truth!

It was sitting by the Christmas tree one morning when the house was quiet that I had to come face to face with the Truth of where my bitterness and regrets were coming from. I was contemplating the "yes" that Jesus gave when he left heaven to come to earth. I was overcome with gratefulness as I reflected on ALL Jesus gave up and the pain and agony he suffered simply because He had a desire to save me...and you.

 "I haven't come from heaven to do what I want to do. I've come to do what the one who sent me wants me to do." John 6:38 

Wow! So as someone who calls themselves a Christ Follower, I did not accept Jesus as Lord to do what I want to do, but to do what He who saved me wants me to do! My yeses are NOTHING compared to the Yes Jesus gave! I have lost nothing compared to what He lost! When looking from that perspective, regret and bitterness have no place! So why were they still lurking around causing me heartache and frustration? I wanted to rebuke the devil and make him flee....but as I sat meditating on the Truth of Jesus' yes and my regrets, I realized that there was no devil here to rebuke. I was looking my flesh right in the eyes! I had got caught up in the "what could have been" had I not agreed to take the hard road! I wasn't comparing to anyone in particular, but was comparing in a general sense to what other's lives appear to be who don't have as many children, aren't married, don't work outside the home, etc, etc.....My flesh was crying out for an easier road. Then when realizing I was too far down all the paths to turn around, my flesh responded with regret and bitterness. There were times I am sure the enemy added his lies to my reflections to feed the fire my flesh started, but at the start of what I was wrestling with was simply my flesh desiring an easier road! 

So I sat that morning and asked forgiveness from the One who promises to wipe my sin as far as the east is from the west. Then I looked my flesh in the eyes again and told it what WILL be! Those yeses I gave hold great promises and abundant life I would have missed if I had not agreed to do the will of my Father! So I made a decision to view those things causing me grief not in the way they appear now, but in the way God intends them to be! God has told me 2017 is a year of HOPE. Part of Biblical HOPE is seeing things as they are in the heavenly realm and not as circumstances make them appear! I applied that truth to those yeses that were making me feel discouraged and worn out! I wish I could say the regret and bitterness immediately left. But that's not always how it happens. In the days since that morning by t

he tree, I have had to battle my thoughts and feelings! I have to continually renew my mind with what I want things to look like....not how they currently are! Once I have reset my thoughts, the regret and bitterness are replaced with HOPE and peace!

I don't know what has left you feeling regret, bitterness or hopelessness in 2016. But I would love for you to walk with me to replace those feelings with HOPE! Whatever path you are on, the Word promises Jesus knows the feelings as he experienced this sinful earth as fully man! Yet He chose to come anyway! If there is nothing else you can hang onto at this point but that HOPE, then grab on for dear life and let Jesus begin to work in you to bring HOPE to the rest of your circumstances!  And remember you are not alone! 

The Next Faith Journey: The Things I remembered and the Things I Learned

I can't believe it has been two months since I have blogged! Usually my silence means one of two things: 1) I am swamped and too busy to sit down and write or 2)I am an emotional wreck and can't get my own thoughts together enough to put them down. Both of those things would be true of the last two months! I have been at the West Texas office the last three days and had a full day yesterday of simply being with my mom and RELAXING! So as I sit here in the quiet house with my coffee in my Christmas mug (Christmas is my favorite time of the year, but before this morning thinking about Christmas brought great anxiety!!), I am ready to process just a bit..

We are on day EIGHTY-THREE of this madness! From the day we started living out of suitcases to today has been 83 days....and I have now unpacked ONE box! Seriously! We moved our furniture into the house on day 64! Truly this has been the most difficult season of my life as far as complete and total chaos, stress, and learning to persevere! There are so many blog posts that could come from the last two months....but instead of writing the novel that could be written, I think I will just jot down a few of the lessons I have learned or been reminded of over these weeks.

1.  You can survive a week without a shower...but those around you might not. (The one who went a week without a shower will remain nameless to protect the stinky.)
2. As a mom you have to do things that make you want to throw up and tear your heart out, but you do them because they are the best thing for your children in the long run! And it makes you think about God and how He sees some of the things I do/don't do!
3. I am stronger than I think I am in some areas, but not as strong as those around me think I am in others.
4. A family of 10 is really expensive to feed without a kitchen.
5. You can cook with only one small knife, one sauce pan and one skillet..even for 10 people!
6. You can't survive tough times without a village. There were people who picked up kids when I couldn't make it to the school. There were people who took or picked up from practices when I just couldn't get there. And most importantly in the days when I could not even form a prayer to lift to heaven, there were warriors holding up my arms and praying for me! I never doubted God, I never felt mad at God, but from shear emotional and physical and spiritual exhaustion, I just couldn't pray. But they did. And through their prayers, I saw God move mountains and make provisions that left me in awe of my good, good, Father!
7. Free will stinks!
8. You CAN survive a move, remodel, emergency appendectomy hospital stay for one kid, a week long hospital stay for one kid all while living in two different houses with no family close enough to help. It's not pretty, but you can do it. 
9. A hug from a friend at just the right time will release a sea of tears and make you do the ugly cry right there in front of them! 
10. When you get bogged down in the process and forget all that God just brought you through (I HATE it when I act like an Israelite!), God will send a friend going through the exact same process he just took you through so that as you share all your faith and stories of miracles with your friend, you are encouraged in your own walk! 
11. Self care is vital! Stress will do bad/weird things to you...like make you itch all over!!! And without self care, it will eventually take you down.
12. Self care has to involve all three parts of your being: Spirit, body and soul!
13.  Dogs who run through the woods do get fleas. And fleas are very hard to get rid of. And just mentioning fleas makes me itch.
14. When one of your kids' counselors dismisses them to ask you how you are and you fall apart, it might be time to get your own counselor. 
15. You can hear God in the sound of the falling leaves and the chirping of the frogs and no matter what is going on in your life, in that moment there is peace.
16. You can't take junk into the promised land. You have to leave it behind...and that can mean war with the "giants".
17. Not all people keep their word. I hope the new owners of our old house enjoy my bedspring chandelier... :(
18. God makes provision for the things in your future that you don't yet know you need. Like an employee that it took three years to find, but was right on time for what we just went through. Without her, the agency would have crumbled over the last three months. God knew that and had her in place right when she needed to be. Satan better watch out! Monday morning we are both back in the saddle and ready to kick him in the teeth to redeem a generation of waiting kiddos in Texas! 
19. It took Caleb 40 years to see his promised land from the time he stood in faith and said that they could take down the enemy that the other spies said would never be defeated! FORTY YEARS! I guess I shouldn't be whining about 83 days! #perspective
20. Obedience to God does not always end in nice happy endings. Really, the Bible doesn't teach that. But somewhere in American Christianity that has become an expectation. But what obedience does is allow you to see God work in your life and teach you knew facets of His character as you experience them instead of just reading about them in the lives of other people! 
21. God's provision is limitless. Financially, emotionally, physically...there is so much that I can look at over this process and KNOW that while it has been the most trying thing I have done, God never left us, but provide again and again to give encouragement and the ability to keep walking in the direction He told us to go! 
22. Finally, I have learned that I want to always choose obedience over safety. I can't say that in the really hard days! But on a day like today where I have had rest and am sitting at my mom's house where it is quiet with my coffee in my Christmas mug, I can say that the lessons learned and the ability to see new facets of God's character are worth the struggles! And just like Him, he reminded me this weekend two different times that despite what we have been through, if I will cling to Him, He will bring me through! I had seriously felt like I had lost all my joy. I wasn't sure I would get it back. The last 83 days have taken everything I have on all levels. The enemy has lied and tried daily to steal, kill and destroy all the promises God has given about the move. While I have known I made it through (really, what choice did I have), I felt like I would never be the same! But this weekend I had a stranger tell she loved how positive and happy I am. Then a friend I ran into that I had not seen in probably 10 years said, "You look exactly the same! You still have your sparkle in your eye!" Neither one of these people knew I feared that my sparkle and my joy were gone forever, but God knew! And he used the words of these two to encourage me and silence the lies of the enemy! Oh how I love Him! 

So that's it in a nutshell! There really is so much more! But I have to get my suitcases packed to head home! You know I have made a comitment to be transparent on here. So in keeping with that commitment, I will share that as I woke up this morning, anxiety and the overhelming fear of returning home stated to take over. I am one of those that becomes paralyzed when I am overwhelmed. It is a weapon the enemy has used all of my life! But I refuse to let him win today. So if I come to mind, I would love your prayers for those feelings to bow a knee and alow me to hit the floor running when I get home! Love on my kids and then unpack a few boxes! Thank you all for taking this journey with me! It has been amazing to hear your stories and know that sharing some of mine has encouraged you in yours as you have in mine! 

The Next Faith Journey: We could use your prayers....

So this is a picture of the room we are sleeping in now!

That's 5 beds you see with two more out of view....with two more that will move in tomorrow when the demo starts upstairs. We are two weeks into this "adventure" and to say that everyone's patience is running thin would be an understatement. We had some pretty significant tension this evening. Our kids really have been troopers...but everyone has their limits and we all feel like we are reaching ours.

So if we come to mind, we could use your prayers! John and I need wisdom on how to handle the next two or three weeks as the remodel completes. After tomorrow there is a good chance that we will not have a working bathroom in the house. We have a couple of options of places to stay that have been graciously offered to us. We just need to know the best way to make this work with us all intact in the end! 

I have done a lot of talking with different members of my family today about how hard this has been and how none of us wanted it like this. John and I have explained to our older kids again that our plan was to never live in the house in this condition, but circumstances were beyond our control. I am sure this is building character in them...and us...but some days you just don't want any more character, you simply want comfort, peace and a clean floor! That's kind of where we are all at today.

Yet even this evening as it was clear the enemy was ramping up his game on my family, I was reminded of a verse in Joshua that I have been studying. It's right before they are about to cross the Jordan in to the Promised Land. Joshua tells the tribes to prepare themselves because "tomorrow God will do wonders among you!" I don't know why we had to walk this path this way! Did John and I panic and make some decisions we didn't really pray through? Possibly! Did we do exactly what we needed to and God is just building character? Possibly! No matter the why, I know the enemy wants to use it to keep me out of my promised land, to keep my husband out of his promised land, and my kids out of their promised land! I know the enemy is stepping up his game as fatigue and weariness settle in. But I am not giving up! I am preparing myself and covering my family in prayer because I truly do believe that through this, God is going to do wonders! Wonders in, around and through us! Right now, the weariness is heavy...and three of the babies and me have some kind of upper respiratory thing going on, so we do covet your prayers for stamina and health as well as clear and precise plans for the coming week...and prayers for our contractors to have easy processes with no surprises and speedy work!  

Even as I type this I am reminded that tomorrow God will do wonders because it is closing day!! One closes at 8:15, and the other at 3:30! Thank you all for joining us on this journey! I have loved your comments and the messages you have shared with me through this process. So many in the Body are on journeys of faith! It's an exciting time to be alive! 

.....but for now, sleep! Good night! 

The Next Faith Journey: We are in....

It’s been awhile since I have written! Sorry for those who are following the blog…..God did move the mountains and our buyers found another lender to process their loan. However, the excitement over that fact soon waned as the reality of the next weeks started to seep in. The original plan was to live in our old house for a week (we got a one week lease back) so that we could get a significant way into remodeling the new house before we had to move in. We had hoped to have one floor of the house completed so that we could move into that while the rest was being done. With us not being able to close on our house, however, we could not start any type of construction.

So, we moved into the house that needs remodeling on mattresses with suitcases. Due to spending hours on the phone at the end of the move time trying to get a loan worked out so the sell of our house did not fall through, our packing was delayed significantly. So the end move became one great big mess! All the best plans for organization and packing to live were gone! Add to that the fact that when we move it is the equivalent of moving 2 and a half families! That’s a lot of stuff! We literally filled trailers and moved boxes and belongings from sun up to way past sundown for EIGHT days! To say we were exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually is an understatement! Add to that the dynamics of moving 8 kids, two of whom do not do change well, into mass chaos….well, you get the picture! And if that was not enough, we also threw in an emergency appendectomy after Noah came home from school last Monday in great pain and throwing up! We are definitely feeling the refining in this journey!

We had packed for 10 days of displacement. We are now going on week three! So life looks a little like this:

Just keeping it real here! 

The first few days living in the house, the excitement of actually being on the property carried me! That and fishing in the evenings with my favorite little people! It was surreal that we could walk out our backdoor and catch fish! All the kids were outside interacting with each other…that in itself is a miracle and made my mommy heart swell! But the reality of the chaos soon took over. That and the fact that we really had no end date. They were saying three weeks to close which meant three weeks of mass chaos before even bigger chaos to move out for the last of the remodel! My head could not even comprehend what that looked like. Add to that the daily tasks of trying to do laundry with nowhere to put the clothes, cooking meals with no pots, pans or utensils….you get the picture! I truly thought I was going to lose my mind! There were a couple of days where if could I find a way out, I would have taken it. I truly thought I had reached my mental capacity and something had to give! All the while, I am watching friends around me lose parents to cancer, lose babies to birthmoms changing their minds, friends dealing with loss of jobs and facing financial ruin…all while I am moaning and complaining about a blessing God is providing me. But here is what I have learned in my life, it is all about perspective! While I can look at those other circumstances and clearly see they are more severe than mine, the enemy tells lies and creates scenarios where my circumstances seem just as dire! My biggest mistake in this entire process was not spending every morning with Jesus! I was physically exhausted, so I tried to sleep longer than I should have. After about 5 days of that, I had no perspective except a worldly, circumstantial, satan ridden view of my life. And it looked like the current condition of chaos and yuck was going to last forever and be impossible to survive! It wasn’t until I got alone with Jesus…out under the trees in one of my favorite spots that I felt the weight and weariness lift off!

I have often read Exodous and wondered how the Israelites could grumble and complain and ask to go back to captivity given all they saw God do. However, I was just like the Israelites in this move! God had moved mountains! He had given me a faith stronger than any I had ever had to face the challenges of the loan without wavering one bit. I was so proud of how I had handled myself in the trials of the process…until the actual move! So what changed? What took me to a place of grumbling and complaining and seemingly hopelessness? It was one thing…taking my eyes of Jesus! It sounds so simple. And it really is. Just. That. Simple! I started looking at the waves around me, and I sank! But here is the deal, it only took one moment of worship and being reminded that my reality comes from heaven to earth to refocus myself! It was a quick reminder that when my emotions and feelings start heading for the pit, I better find some headphones or a quiet spot and get the Word or worship or both running through my mind to refuel, restore and renew me!

Right now we are set to close on both houses on Wednesday! That is 48 hours. Even in the chaos, John and I walk around our property in awe that we would ever own such a piece of heaven on earth! For a gal who grew up in the West Texas desert (which by the way I also think is beautiful!), to now sit under trees in plush grass with a tree lined pond in front of her truly feels like a dream. One of my new favorite de-stressers is to come out in the evenings and watch the fireflies as they start to light up the wooded area behind our house. I am ashamed that I grumbled and complained about such a blessing regardless of how hard the journey has been….BUT God loves me all the same! He doesn’t sit in disgust that I didn’t walk all of this journey well! The stress is not over! We are about to move all 10 of us into one living room! :) Prayers appreciated! Ha! But I am determined to end well! I am determined to keep my eyes on Jesus… on the blessings and not the circumstances! Can I encourage you to do the same in whatever journey you are facing that is stretching you? I know many who are facing much worse things than moving into a living area with 9 of their favorite people! But I know a God who is big enough and gracious enough and FAITHFUL enough to handle it no matter what it is!

I would love to pray with you for your circumstances to line up with heaven if you need to know someone is walking with you! Just leave me a comment if you are not on my Facebook! Or you can always email me at hollyann@addyshope.com if you need to know someone is praying and believing with you! Keep believing and looking in His face!  

the next FAITH Journey.....

So I knew God was asking us to take a step of faith when he asked us to move to a new house...and that's why I titled it "the next faith journey". What I didn't know was the measure of FAITH it was going to take to stay on the journey to the promised land and not just break free and run back to Egypt!

Yesterday at 5:00 we were told that the buyers of our house could not get their loan. I won't go into details to protect their privacy, but I will say that it was the poor actions of a lender that got us all at this point! These are amazing people with great credit...and a lender who didn't do his job!

But none the less, that left us without a buyer at 5:00 last night. When John told me, I was completely calm...a little startled, but no stress or anxiety or anger or sadness...just peace. Can I just tell you that is not me! When things fall apart like that, I jump to worse case scenarios and the "Really, God?! This is what your love looks like??" accusations! But this time I simply said, well that doesn't change what God has already said about the outcome. That house is ours! I spoke back all the things he had done along the way to confirm that we are supposed to move! There are MANY! Even yesterday....as I have already shared, our loan was slowed down because of our lender. But yesterday afternoon we got our clearance to close! God knew we would need a little hope, a little reminder that He is in the details no matter what else is going on!

I was introduced to Truth of living from Heaven to earth by an amazing woman of God who mentored me for almost 3 years. It is the Truths that I learned in my time with her as well as sermons and teachings out of Bethel Church in Redding that I know God is working in and through me right now. It is these truths that allow me to stand firm in what God has said...no matter the circumstances!

As I type this, our buyers do not have a loan. However, we are still planning to move on Thursday to our new house so our kids can start school. We can't start the remodel, so we will be camped out on mattresses! :) It's gonna be an adventure for sure! But we are not letting the enemy have any territory in this battle! God has said this is our promised land....and we are taking it! I told John yesterday as we processed the news, I can't imagine that the Israelites felt warm fuzzies as they saw the Egyptians closing in on them from one side and the Red Sea in front of them! I imagine there was some doubt and fear and anger in them as they looked at their circumstances. But with one command from God, the Red Sea parted and they were provided a way to their promised land and the defeat of their enemies all at once! I think that's where we stood yesterday...and still this morning. But I am facing the Red Sea just waiting for the dry ground to appear so we can run onto our land! Satan can eat my dust! ;)

God has already shown great favor and our buyers have their information with a lender that John knew. We should have an answer by this afternoon if this lender will approve them for the loan or not. This lender says there will be no problem closing in 2 to 3 weeks....another provision of the Lord. And even before we asked, the wonderful family we are buying the house from offered to let us move in and lease it for as long as we needed to so our kids could start school in their new school. Faithful. That is what my God is!

Why have we hit these bumps? I don't know. But I do know that through the bumps, I have found a new confidence in God's love for me! I have found a new confidence in my ability to ride the waves of the storm and not get seasick! I am truly thankful for the lessons.

None of this changes what God has said! It changes how we get there...and the logistics of it are still a little sketchy, but it doesn't change the outcome! Now, we continue to war through prayer and faith...and we wait for the earthly circumstances to line up with what we already know has been spoken in the heavenlies! I'll let you know just as soon as that sea parts!

The Next Faith Journey: Being Certain of what we do not see....

Oh, the journey! I can't say that I am loving the journey at the moment, but I can say I am loving the peace that I am experiencing in the turmoil! :)

So the plan was to close on the house we currently own yesterday, and close on the house we are buying today. The contractors were going to start working tomorrow. As I sit here tonight, we have not closed on either house! We have hit a couple of snags. Evidently there is ZERO customer service in lending for houses anymore! They wait until the day before closing to underwrite the loans and then have a gazillion hoops for you to jump through. Add onto that the three day required wait after you have signed disclosures, and you have a perfect storm!

But here is what I know. From the beginning as I have shared here, this has been a FAITH journey! Faith is defined in Hebrews 11 as being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see! Even as we received phone call after phone call today that meant delay after delay, I stood firm. I did not react physically or emotionally to the circumstances. At one point, John was relaying all that he had just discussed on a phone call. When he got done, I simply said, let's pray. We did. And then we kept packing. I told him that the enemy has tried to steal this promised land from us from the beginning! I don't know that I have ever been in such a battle where I was as aware as I am now of it actually being a spiritual battle! So today when the enemy tried to bring discouragement and despair, it did not work! I looked at John and said with surprise in my voice, "I am seriously not panicking! God's got this! He has made too many promises to drop us now! Let's keep packing!"

I am not tooting my own horn here..in fact just the exact opposite. Most of the times in situations like this, it matters not what I have thought God said in the past or what promises He has made for my victory, as soon as the bad news comes, I start wailing about how He never follows through or leaves me when I walk in obedience. I usually come around eventually to Truth, but I don' t usually respond in Truth. I usually throw a 42 year old version of a 2 year old tantrum!

But this journey has brought me to a place of trust, truly trusting God has my best interest at heart and loves me as a good, good, Father! He has drawn me close, hid me under His wings and been a strong tower for me to run to! I have learned facets of God's character that I have not known before. I think this is what James meant when he said, we should consider it "pure joy" when we fact trials because the testing of our faith brings about perseverance! And there is soooo much to be thankful for....buyers who are working just as hard as we are to get their loan closed and are communicating openly with us through the process, sellers who are more than generous and working with us despite delays, a beautiful property that in a few weeks I will be sitting looking out over as I type!

I can say that our faith has definitely been tested over the past 6 weeks in ways it hasn't been in a long time! The attacks have come from all sides! But tonight I go to bed at complete peace because I know that He who promised will be faithful to do what He said He would do! And around our house, we call that kickin' satan in the teeth!

The Next Faith Journey: God's Provision

Our mortgage company has been a NIGHTMARE, and that is putting it nicely. We have been asking for numbers, you know the approximate amount needed at closing and estimated monthly payment that you usually get, since we started the loan process back in May! We didn't get any numbers until last week.

I had to stop by John's office to pick up something I needed to take with me while headed back to West Texas with a car full of teenagers! I was taking them to Rock the Desert, and I was headed back to have a training session for new adoptive parents. When I stopped at John's office, he shared with me what he had learned that morning. We were going to be several thousand dollars short at closing. We both wrestled with fear and anxiety - and if we are honest some serious rage at not having the numbers when we asked so we could be making a plan - over closing being 7 days away, and getting this news. This is when you know you have been around a mountain enough times that you really GET a Truth - when a circumstance comes, you actually react in the Truth rather than reacting to the circumstance and then having to remind yourself of the Truth! My heart didn't race, I didn't get sweaty palms, the pit started to form in my stomach, but immediately disappeared with the thought, "God has not brought us this far to leave us. He promises to never leave or forsake us. He has made clear this is the path we are to walk. Somehow, it will work." As I drove all morning and afternoon, the enemy taunted me with all kinds of thoughts, but immediately, I would remind myself and the enemy of God's faithfulness and all the promises He had given about this move. I still had NO IDEA how this was going to work, but I would simply roll it back on God and thank Him for His provision...however it came!

Well, before the day was over, I was handed a check for a few hundred dollars over what we needed for closing! When I looked at the check, I asked the generous giver if John had talked to them or something? I was very confused. They responded just as confused with a no - they had been blessed this year and wanted to bless us! I broke into the ugly cry! Not just because of the generosity of these individuals, but the fact that their gift was the provision God already knew was on the way!!!! They even shared how they were going to give it to us at a different time, but decided to give it to me that day!

Y'all, I have seen God's faithfulness over and over in my life! I mean we fed 65 children in an orphanage for over a year with no sustainable income from the program! I "get" miraculous provision....but I have never had the "here is the check" experience! I have heard the stories of God providing mysterious checks in the mail for the needed amount for other people, but I had never experienced that. It was so surreal! As I kept staring at the check, I was reminded also that when God provides, it is more than we could hope or imagine! That number that had looked so big and insurmountable a few hours ago, was now provided for plus more!

Here is what I hope encourages those reading who also need provision, God is no respecter of persons - what he does for one, he does for anyone. I have been the one reading stories like this and thinking, "yes, you did it for them, but not me." So if that was your thought while reading, let me tell you, He has a provision for you also! What I know is that on this journey, we have walked unwavering in our trust and faith like we have never done before! I have to believe that has something to do with the way God has provided. We have truly trusted - not being tossed about or double minded. I can tell you that is not usually how I walk these journeys! I usually go back and forth between trust and despair in these situations in 0-60 seconds!

There are things still trying to rob our joy and shake our confidence in this move - like closing maybe being postponed because our loan won't be ready....but God has been so faithful and provided amazing sellers for us to work with that answers come just almost immediately to the barriers! This has truly been a spiritual journey that will forever be a stone of remembrance in my spiritual life! I don't want to go back to that double minded person! And I want to encourage you if you are on the fence, God is trustworthy! Take the leap! Free fall into His plan....you will not regret it!

I said I would never home school.....

So I have learned to never say never! After my last endeavor at home schooling (CallieAnn home schooled the last half of 6th grade and Paizley home schooled her sophomore year), I said I did not ever want to do that again...unless...it was in the best interest of one of our kids.

CallieAnn started asking us last year if she could graduate early. She has enjoyed high school, but she believes she has heard God clearly about the direction her life needs to take. When she first approached us about it, my immediate answer was, not just "no", but .....well, you get the picture! But as I thought about it, a peace would come over me at the thought of her home schooling. I knew without a doubt that peace was NOT from me! Isaiah 55 talks about being led forward in peace. So when that feeling comes over me at times that it isn't natural, it gets my attention. John and I committed to pray with CallieAnn for clear direction and wisdom.

CalliAnn has had a vision for a safe place for suicidal teens for quite some time. We have had suicide touch our lives indirectly numerous times and directly recently. Each time the call she felt on her life became a little stronger and the vision a little clearer. She already has a mission statement and name for her ministry. After a couple of months of praying about what to do next year, I asked her why do you have to do it now? You have your whole life to be an adult. Why not wait until you graduate college at 23 or 24 to start it? Her answer made me proud and sad all at once. She said to me, there are people dying who need what God has called me to do. How can I wait? How do you argue with that? How do you tell your child whom you have taught to dream big, hear God's voice and follow it that they can't obey just yet.....you don't.

So we started looking at all the options. She could stay in school and take extra classes and graduate next year. But as we looked at her degree plan, she was taking a lot of stuff that just didn't make sense and truly would not help her in her goal. The best plan seemed to be for her to home school and take dual credit college courses. This way, she can focus on the courses that will help equip her for the calling she believes God has on her life.

It has been a decision we have wrestled with. I can list as many cons as I can pros about the path we decided to take. There is a part of me as a mom that fears she will regret giving up the "high school" experience. But as a person who struggled through that high school experience, I can appreciate that it is not all it's cracked up to be for all people. And at the end of the day, it came down to trusting that my daughter who has the same Holy Spirit as a Counselor as I do heard His voice and said YES to His call! If I am going to err, I want to err on the side of stoking the fire and fanning the flame within my children to hear God's voice and follow it, and not throwing water on what God has lit!

So today, her daddy took her and registered her for college courses! I am really not sure how my baby girl became old enough to even talk about college! But truly, I could not be more proud of her decision. The last couple of weeks I have seen her wrestle with that point where the rubber meets the road in an act of obedience. She is confident in her decision, and yet she wrestles with what she is also sacrificing to follow God's call.

We have been and will be very careful to not "pigeon hole" her into this for eternity! Obviously, as she matures, seeks wisdom and gains understanding, the direction may differ or take a different course all together. But for now, I could not be a prouder momma than to watch my daughter love the Lord and work to follow His call on her life! Fly Baby Girl, Fly! There is no limit as long as God is the one giving you the wind beneath your wings!

"Nothing could make me happier than getting reports that my children continue diligently in the way of Truth!" ~3 John 4

Our Ava, We have a diagnosis....

You are going about your day as normal. Then the phone rings. You have no idea that your world is about to change forever with what the person on the other side of the call is going to share...

That could be the scenario for many things in life. For me this week, it was the call that said, "We have the results back from Ava's testing." Next she said, "Do you have a few minutes that we could talk?" There was part of me in that moment that wanted to scream, "NO! I don't have a few minutes for you to tell me what is wrong! I don't know if I will ever have a few minutes for this conversation!" But I knew delaying the inevitable was not going to help my daughter no matter what the news was.

Bottom line, we now have an official diagnosis. Ava has Duplication 16P13.3 Syndrome. Fancy name, huh?!  Simply, it means that she has duplication on her 16th chromosome. That duplication can cause many symptoms, and it is what causes the delays and difficulties we see in Ava. It is a life long condition.

So now what? I mean, what do you do with that? I went from relief at having an answer we have searched for the last 6 years to sadness that I really had an answer. It kind of takes all denial away that you might have been hanging onto that all is well....just a minor delay here and there. But it did not take much research before I was overcome with thankfulness! As I read all that can be caused by this particular syndrome,  I thanked God that Ava has very mild symptoms! There are kidney and heart issues associated with it that we have not had to deal with. And ultimately, I just had to thank God that He knit my precious baby girl in my womb! I can honestly say the one emotion I have not had since learning about the diagnosis is fear. My God is a great big God! He knows every hair on my sweet girl's head. He made her, fearfully and wonderfully made her! As I said that scripture over and over in my head this week, I have to admit there was some confusion in my soul. Chromosomes are the knitting! They are what gives the instructions for the creating....so if the chromosome is not "normal" then did God cause that? I don't believe He causes illness. And I am not going to pretend I have the theological understanding to really even think about questions like that! But what quickly settled into my spirit was "Does it matter?" Regardless of what the answer is, does it change that God is a good God? Nope! Not one bit! So there will be no why questions from me to God. He is good all the time....even when I hear that my daughter has an abnormality in how she is knit together! It's funny. I remember when a friend found out her unborn baby had Spina Bifida. I remember asking God how to reconcile Psalm 139 with babies who are knit together in a way that we don't think of as "wonderful". I had to chuckle as I thought back on how I wrestled with that for my friend knowing now that God had me wrestling with that then because He knew what I would face now. Oh how I love Him! The conclusion that I came to and feel God inspired in me for my friend's baby is that we hear fearfully and wonderfully made as perfectly and according to the world's standard of abilities. But what He knits together is what is fearfully and wonderfully made for His kingdom! I don't believe God causes illness, and I will believe and ask God to heal Ava so that she functions on a level that the world sees as "normal", but I rest in the fact that God loves her more than I do, and He knit her together with a purpose for His Kingdom, and she has all she needs to fulfill that purpose!

As I look at Ava, I can't help but see that God did in fact knit her together amazingly! She has a joy that I don't even begin to grasp. She has a faith and a connection to the Holy Spirit that I am envious of at times. Her childlike innocence and belief in the things of God's Word makes her an amazing warrior for the kingdom! And she does not meet a stranger! She is loved everywhere she goes. This syndrome was not even discovered until 2010 (ironically, that's when we started doing our tests to see what was happening with our sweet girl!), and in 2013 only 26 cases had been documented. They now think that 1 in 150,000 births have this duplication. So what that tells me is that we now have proof that she is the rare treasure we always knew she was!

So what now? Well, Cook Children's Hospital got a few mad momma calls that day because for 2 years we have been trying to get her into a neurologist that will listen to us. But their policy says we cannot switch doctors. We have an appointment with a new neurologist in September. ;) We have to have some hard conversations about educational goals and long term goals in order to make sure financially and legally she will be provided for and cared for. Now that we have a "life long" condition diagnosis, we can go more boldly into realms that we really couldn't before to try to get her all she needs to be successful and live the best life possible. All this is a new arena for us, so we are definitely on a learning curve! But again, we trust God to bring wisdom and provide fully!

Over the last few days as I have processed all the new information, I have just stood in awe at my sweet girl! I have learned to appreciate her laugh more. I have learned to soak in her smile and the sparkle in her eyes. Its as if the diagnosis has given me permission to let her be her. I don't have to "push"  her to be what every other 10 year old girl is. I have permission to just enjoy who she is and where she is and love her for right now! And that is the best gift I could have been given!

For all who have walked this path with us, loved our sweet girl, worked with her at school and at church, prayed with us for answers, we thank you! And we appreciate you! Please don't stop praying! Now that we have a diagnosis we will be searching for ways to make sure we are doing all we can to help Ava become all she can be! We are excited about her future that we know is full of hope because of our amazing and good God! Thanks for walking with us!

The Next Faith Journey: Around the mountain again and SOLD!

Just when we wondered if it would ever happen, it did! We had one offer on the table, but the buyer had to sell their house. They had not even put it on the market yet, and had backed out twice on putting it on the market...so we were not totally sure they would go through with it. So we scheduled an open house. We have been told by numerous real estate agents that open houses don't work. But we had asked God if there was anything we needed to do in our wait, and we both felt having an open house was His answer. Within two hours of the end of the open house we had an above asking price offer that was not contingent and gave us a week lease back at no cost! Truly, a gift from God! God has spoken to me at the beginning of the process that we would know His love by the sell of our house. In my desires, I had assumed that meant a fast sell! But as we sat down to sign the contracts, I was overwhelmed with God's love as I looked at how He has truly blessed us with a stress free contract! And the couple has been AMAZING to work with! We had the inspection and easily agreed up on what needed to be fixed and how it would be fixed, It has truly been the most stress free contract we have ever had on a house! That's God's love...extravagant and peaceful! And abundant...literally while we were signing the contract that night to send back to their agent, John received a text from one of the other people who had put an offer on it a few weeks back. They were wanting to put an offer on it again...abundance! Such a great picture of God's love for a gal who is very legalistically wired and has a hard time believing God just gives good gifts because He loves us and is a good Father who just wants to lavish great things on his children!

But I have to tell you, the journey is almost comical as we look back at it. I mean like you could write a pretty hysterical cartoon about our trip to that point. Once God spoke to us that we were not to battle for the sell of our house, but instead were to rest so that He could give it to us as a demonstration of his love, it took us a couple of trips around the mountain. I had a very wise mentor that would say God takes us around the mountain until we learn the lesson sometimes. I would definitely say that is the case here.

We had so much interest over the course of the 44 days it took to sell our house. It seemed like it was constantly a game of "this offer is on the table" then "they backed out and we are back to square one". It was an emotional roller coaster of excitement that our house was possibly sold and disappointment when it fell apart. But after God spoke that it was not a war to fight, but a time to rest in His love, I tried to stay focused on that. John and I both had our moments where we could just rest in that and circumstances did not make us waiver, but we also both had moments where the circumstances over came us and despair, fatigue and frustration set in! But here is the cool thing! About two days before the open house, I felt God say, "Trust me!" I had this sense of wanting to just free fall into God's love. I literally pictured myself falling off a ledge and bouncing up into the air again as I hit his "love" as if I hit a trampoline (in case you don't know by now, I am very visual! ;) ) I was honest and told God that I was scared to let myself fall because I wasn't sure how I would survive if he let me hit the ground instead of catching me! Typing that, I understand how ridiculous it sounds that God would drop me, but in my heart, that was my fear. I only heard one word in return -JUMP! So I did!

The next day we got discouraging news about the family who was putting their house on the market to buy ours (this was before our open house). As soon as John told me, I had a very brief moment of panic, and then the familiar voice - "I've got you! Keep falling!" And I did! I did not waiver one bit in my resolve to trust God and keep falling into His love! And so did John! For the first time in all the roller coaster ride, John and I both at the same time did not let circumstances dictate our emotions. We did not let circumstances dictate our mood. We stood on what God had said and resolved to wait until His time to make circumstances line up with what He had already spoken! We had finally walked around the mountain enough times - we had the lesson not just in our head as knowledge, but in our heart and had changed how we operated! And the next day, we received the amazing contract! I can't say that I have ever "felt" God's love more than I did in that moment. The free fall didn't end in me shattered at the bottom, but instead wrapped in the arms of my loving Heavenly Father smiling down at me!

And even the timing has been perfect despite my begging God to give us a contract sooner....we will be able to stay in our house one week which puts us needing to live somewhere just as my in-laws are headed on vacation leaving their house empty! We will move in the new house the week after school starts,  (the first week we will be close enough for the kids to start school, just not in our house) so no sitting at a new house with no friends making the kids more anxious about life in a new city....so many things that show God's extravagant love and provision for us! Truly thankful for the lessons we have learned on this journey! In nearly 19 years of marriage and all the "adventures" John and I have taken, I would say that this one by far has exceeded any in teaching us spiritual truths as individuals but most of all as a couple! Some day we will share our entire testimony....but for now I am resting in the fact that we have walked together closer spiritually through this than ever before! And can I tell you, the enemy hates that! Which will have to be a post for another time! :)

Thank you for those who have taken this journey with us! It has been amazing to hear all the stories of those who have shared. Many of you are still journeying (as are we....this journey isn't just about a house but about our family entering a spiritual promised land that we are still fighting to retake!)...please know that I am believing with you for God's extravagant, loving and best for you ending to your journey as well! Don't give up! He has amazing things for you!