"AA Girl"

"AA Girl" that was the title of an e-mail in my inbox today. I had a similar e-mail the week before Easter. I ended up responding to the previous e-mail with "we can't do that right now." But ever since then, I have been really contemplating all God has been telling me about adopting again. The feeling, the voice, the urgency just gets stronger and stronger. I have walked this road twice before; I know this pattern. But ALL circumstances say this would be the worst time to adopt again...probably why God is saying, NOW, right?!

Well, the e-mail today is for a precious baby girl who is already born...5 days old. The family wants a family that already has AA members somewhere. The fees are reasonably low for domestic...but they might as well be a million $'s! But I am still praying for a miracle. John hasn't said no, and he is graciously praying about her. I thought of her all the way to Dallas (we are in Dallas for the Orphan Summit). I thought of what it would be like to see her for the first time. I wondered what they have named her already. I wondered why they have decided to place her for adoption. I wondered what she looks like....I pictured Callie holding her (Callie has had many dreams about us getting a baby and has asked me repeatedly when we are adopting a baby girl!), I pictured myself getting up to feed her at night...I LOVE night time feedings when it is just me and the baby!

But then I try to shut it all off as I doubt she is mine. She is already born, I have no paper work with me to give to the agency, and I will not be back home until Sunday afternoon. I am sure she will find a home by then, which means she is not meant to be in our family....but I can't dismiss that "What if?!" I wonder sometimes why I have this ache to adopt again when I have four precious children, but I do have this ache...a very specific "ache"! AA baby girl! I know boys are not mine, I know cauc situations are not mine, but an AA baby girl comes up and my heart leaps. John swears I am trying to fill some unknown void, but I can honestly say that I would be perfectly content...and was with my four until God stirred my heart with the need to pray for our next child's mother and then again in my kitchen shortly after when I heard "Letting Go" by Barlow Girl. This has gone on for right at a year now. When it first started, I kind of felt the same way John did...why Lord? We have plenty! :) But now, I desire the baby! Its not just an act of obedience, it would be fulfilling the desire of my heart!

So for now I guess I will go to sleep and dream about my little girl...then I will wake up in the morning ready to go hear about how other people are workingt to care for the world's orphans and get motivated to keep up the work we are doing in Liberia and our efforts to expand!