10 years ago....

Ten years ago today, heaven gained a precious angel!  Our Addy went home to be with Jesus.  I remember the phone call like it was yesterday.  We had just gotten home from watching the Watoto Children's Choir perform in Midland.  Callie and Noah were so excited because it was the first time they really had a reference for who their new sisters were going to be! We were full of joy and hope as we talked about their new sisters, our daughters who would be coming home in a few months.

When we got home, there was a message from our adoption agency.  That in and of itself was a red flag.  They rarely returned phone calls or e-mails, so a call out of the clear blue telling us to call her was a sure thing something was wrong.  You know how your mind immediately starts playing through the scenarios of what it could be....she couldn't find our documents we mailed her?...there was a mistake in some of the paperwork?...there were going to be more fees?...I was still very naive about adoption, especially international adoption. I knew by the tone of her voice it was probably more serious than paperwork, but nothing prepared me for the news that was about to be delivered.  John made the phone call.  John always paces when he talks on the phone...but this time I followed him trying to make sense of the one side of the conversation I was hearing.  I wasn't getting much from "aha" and "yes" and "ok".  Then he goes out the backdoor and puts his foot on it so that I couldn't come out.  Then I knew something serious was happening.  I am sure it wasn't more than 5 or maybe 10 minutes...but it seemed like an eternity.  I watched him through the glass door.  Finally he took the phone from his ear and turned toward me.  When our eyes met, I knew whatever it was, it was serious.

He walked in the door and said, "Addy died."  I am not sure how long I stood there.  I heard the words, but I couldn't make sense of them in my mind.  I asked him to say it again.  The details were still sketchy, but from what we could piece together, she had contracted cholera from contaminated drinking water.  She had died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.  I was numb.  I needed answers.  I went to my computer and looked up Cholera.  The words I read just brought anger! I had no idea what Cholera was...all she needed was an iv and an antibiotic.  That's it.  The lack of availability of those two simple medical provisions that I always took for granite was all that stood between life and death of my little girl.

I know it may seem impossible to be that emotionally invested or tied to a child you have only seen in a picture.  And maybe it should be.  But for anyone who has adopted, you know that the picture comes to life when God says, "She's yours, go get her!"  I have not lost a child to death who has lived in my home, but I can tell you my mamma heart broke that day.  First in grief and then in anger.  I was mad at God.  Why would you introduce us to them only months earlier, call me to be her mamma and then take her from me?  Why are children dying of the denial of things that are common place in my country?  How are children dying from contaminated water in this day and age? My heart broke for Eden who had just lost her twin...her only sibling from a mother who had died (or so we were told)!

It was her death and the sorting through it over the coming weeks that God would use to call John and I to found Addy's Hope Adoption Agency!  We had no idea what we were doing, and truly, that is a huge understatement!  We honestly just said, "Yes!"  God has done the rest.  We are truly an example of God using a "yes" because that was really all we had to offer in this area.  I didn't know the slightest thing about running any business, much less a ministry.  I sure didn't know the legal ins and outs of processing an adoption.  But we said, "Yes!"

We could have never known what that yes would mean, and how God would use the life and death of one precious little girl to impact lives in a ripple that still has not stopped.  There are 39 children, including our own son, who are no longer orphans in Liberian and Guatemala, but are in loving, Christian homes learning about the Savior who offers them eternal life!  There are two children who are no longer orphans in the foster system, and three more about to be placed in their forever home with two other families waiting for the 5 children combined that they hope to adopt...and 5 more families who are in different parts of the training process in order to bring even more of God's children home!

I still feel most days like I am ill equipped and unable to do all that this ministry demands.  And the fact is, outside of the anointing and direction of the Holy Spirit, I am! But today as I reflect on a life that seemed to be snuffed out way to quickly, there are some things that I know.  While the remembrance still brings tears, I have learned that God is faithful even when He seems to be absent.  I have learned that trusting that I hear Him and trusting that He is leading me will take me to places I could have never gone on my own.  I have learned that there are times when following God will bring heart ache beyond what I could ever imagine, but even in the heart ache, He is there.  He is faithful.  He is worthy.

So today as I remember a little girl I never held in my arms, but will forever hold in my heart and who lives on in the lives of every child touched through Addy's Hope Adoption Agency, I choose to not just morn her death, but celebrate her life! Addy Girl, you inspired me to follow God on a journey that has been far beyond all I could have hoped or imagined!  You stand as a reminder that we, the Body of Christ, have an obligation to those who are less fortunate.  You remind me that only by the grace of God was I born in a country where clean drinking water and medical care is available to all.  You remind me that the battle for children is worth it!  Baby girl, I can't wait to hold you in heaven...until then keep dancing with Jesus!

The Call that Changed our lives...one year ago

One year ago John answered a call from his dad that would set in motion a course of events that would forever change our lives.  Rewind to a little less than 48 hours before the call....

We had been walking in relationship with Paizley since a few weeks before DJ was born.  We were trying to preserve relationship.  We still didn't agree with most of what was happening in her life, but we were trying desperately to keep relationship over anything.  We had even welcomed the boyfriend who had snuck our daughter out of her window numerous times to take her from our home, the boyfriend who had been arrested for going at John physically.  We knew he was a lost soul.  We knew he was doing what he had known to do.  We made a decision to embrace them as a family for the sake of being in our daughter and our grandchildren's lives.  After receiving a phone call that had confirmed my worst fears about the actual truth of the life my daughter and thus my grandchildren were living, I had gone to meet with her.  We had come to some agreements.  One of which was that if the man ever laid a hand on her again, she would call me and would make a plan for a life without him in order to protect herself and her children from any further abuse.

It wasn't even 48 hours later, 3:00 am, and my phone rings.  It is the boyfriend.  They are in a fight.  He is telling me to come get her and the children.  She wouldn't leave.  I do my best to insure she and the kids were safe until I could make phone calls in the morning.  If it's one thing I have learned over the past 3 and a half years it's that you can only help those who are willing and ready to help themselves.  After a year of communicating my concerns of the safety of my granddaughter and then my grandson also to CPS, we finally had a meeting with all parties in one room where the lies were revealed.  Truly the events of those few days could never have happened if not orchestrated by God.  We watched as literally the curtain was pulled back and truth was revealed in a way that even CPS could not pretend to ignore it anymore.

It has been our goal since we found out Paizley was pregnant with Peighton to equip and empower her to parent her child.  We firmly believe Peighton was given to Paizley as a gift from God to grow and nurture in His ways.  However, we also knew in order for that to happen there were some decision and sacrifices that had to be made on her part.  There was also much emotional healing that had to occur.  We prayed daily and sometimes hourly for those things to happen.

As we sat in the meeting and CPS told Paizley she could keep her babies or she could keep the man, we knew she had no where to go without the man.  John left the room to make phone calls.  We called two local missions.  One doesn't take teens, but was willing to talk to us because of the relationship we had with the founders and the volunteers.  It was decided by all that really it was not equipped to handle what Paizley needed.  The other mission was well equipped and would be an amazing opportunity for learning how to be a mom, how to earn and keep a job and for healing that would be necessary to be the mom she needed to be.  This is a mission that usually has a waiting list!  But as God would orchestrate, they had a bed open!  However, with the holiday, they would not be able to approve an application for a few days.  Which ended up being a mute point because after the rules became known, she decided that wasn't the place for her. So John's parents graciously agreed to allow Paizley and the two babies to move in with them until we could find a permanent place.  And in all honesty, they were contemplating allowing her to remain there long term if needed.

But then the call came.  Even with everything we had been through in the last two and a half years, I never expected this call.  Still, to this day, I cannot wrap my head around the news we received in the call.  John's dad called to tell us that Paizley had called CPS and told them to get the babies because she was going back.  She was leaving her babies to return to the man who was abusing her. Truly, I couldn't understand.  I cried, I screamed, I shook my fist at God, and I begged Him for wisdom and guidance on what next.  John got on the phone to CPS, had to threaten to go to the media with what we knew of the case before we could talk to the person making the decisions, but when he finally spoke to her, she informed us CPS would be seeking custody of our grandchildren as soon as they and courts opened back up after the holidays because there was no one there to do anything at 4:30 pm on July 3.  She informed us that we, as grandparents, could hire an attorney and petition the court for custody.  We had already been told by the original CPS worker that she would not place the grand babies in our home because we had "too many kids" and instead would place them in the home they had been in for most of the past year where they would be in no less harm than they had been the entire time....with a caretaker whom we had been told couldn't watch Peighton for three hours a day for Paizley to go to school but would now be full time care giver for a not yet 11 month and a 3 week infants.

Rewind to the night before.  It was the first time since the events had happened that John and I had been alone and could really digest what the future might hold.  Neither one of us could really wrap our heads around what life would look like with a 3, 2,1 and newborn along with our other 4 kids.  We talked about how our family had already been hemorrhaging over all the events of the past 2 years, and had just felt like we had just now stopped the bleeding.  This would most likely start the hemorrhaging again.  Surely that can't be what we are to do?!  We couldn't fathom the financial responsibility of two more children along with the legal fees they would bring.  And on the other hand, I couldn't come close to settling in my heart that my grand children would enter the system I knew was so broken and very ill equipped to ensure their care and protection.  I kept going back to the times when Paizley was pregnant, and I stood in her room saying, "This baby will not grow up the way you did.  There are two ways for that to happen.  You raise her in a new life or someone else raises her.  Let's work toward you raising her in a new life!"  I said I would never raise my grand children.  I wasn't ready to be a Mimi, but I didn't want to raise them as mine either.  I wanted my daughter to raise them. I wanted to invite them over for sleep overs so my daughter could have  break.  But that decision was out of my hands.

John hangs up the phone and tells me the news.  What do we want to do?  We agree to call an attorney to find out what we can do.  We find one who will agree to work the 4th to draft papers to petition the court on Friday the 5th for custody.  We agreed this was what God was asking us to do.  We had no answers.  We didn't know how it would all work. We didn't know where the $6,000 we had just been told we would need to get this done would come from.  All we knew was God said, go get your babies.  And we did.

My father-in-law in great wisdom talks to my daughter for the hour drive back to the abusive boyfriend.  He stops before getting to the spot where she wants to be left with him.  He once again asks if this is what she wants even if it means she may lose her babies.  She nods and he starts up again.

An army of people stepped in at this point to provide for two children now abandoned.  My in-laws spent 48 hours charged with the safety and responsibility of these two babies until we could get court papers.  We went and spent the day to help them, another angel friend came over and stayed to help when we weren't there.  Our friends started collecting baby items as we had gotten rid of everything feeling pretty certain we were done with babies.  And on July 5, we were awarded custody by a court due to evidence of abuse and neglect.  We received a very wounded not yet 11 month old and a starving 3 week old.  He ate every three hours around the clock and gained much needed weight to get him back up to and beyond his birth weight.  Peighton had spent her entire life in the arms of her mother.  Now she didn't have her.  She didn't want to be consoled.  She didn't know how to be consoled.  She would sit and rock with her blanket back and forth.  She would scream, but wouldn't let us console.  She would pull away when we tried to pick her up.

I look back on the past year, and truly, I am amazed we survived.  I look back and while I know my other children had to sacrifice, I know they are better people for having walked the path.  I look at them now with Peighton and DJ and see the love and nurture they give them..and are starting to get back in return and I know they understand caring for the hurt and the least of these.  We have a long way to go to healing - for all of us.  There are days I think we will never make it.  But when I look at where we were a year ago, I can't help but be encouraged.  It is in these times I have to not look at where we have yet to go, but look at where we have come from!  And when I see the progress we have made, when I see the God that has carried us, I know by faith that we can make it.

So today I choose to not let it be a day of defeat.  As we come up on one year of caring for 8 children in our home with four being toddlers and under...as I look at my 2 one year olds (you should NEVER be able to day that by the way :)  ), I choose to keep my eyes on Him.  I choose to believe that what the enemy has tried to steal from my family God will redeem!  I know that we are redeeming a generation!  I will not let the enemy steal what God has given to me to restore.

And as we celebrate Independence Day this year with our now 8 children, I will celebrate freedom on many levels!  I thank God that Truth sets us free and when that happens, we are free indeed!

Really, I don't go looking for fights.....

I know most people probably read my blog and Facebook posts and think I walk around looking for fights to jump into!  Really, I promise, I don't!  Maybe in my younger days when my passions were still needing MUCH sanctification, but not now that I am older and really have learned to dislike conflict I would just as soon go about my day minding my own business as to get into a fight.  BUT...because God has made me with this passion...and with this inability to let injustice go unnoticed, I find myself...like today...fighting when all I wanted to do was get my exercise!

I never walk in the afternoon, so the timing now has me shaking my head at God.  I had some work I wanted to make sure got done, and my days tend to get away from me quickly, or some emergency pops up that has to be handled.  So I got my work done before my walk which put me leaving about 1:30.  I started not to go..rain showers this morning meant it was way muggy...but determined to get this weight off and having NO KIDS at home today, I decided a walk would be good!

I was at about the first mile marker.  I was minding my own business...listening to my Bethel sermon as Bill Johnson was starting to pray for people to have torment removed from their life when I see quite a ways down a couple.  I couldn't tell if they were teens or young adults.  But it was obvious by the dancing they were doing that they were in a fight. So I slowed my pace and removed my ear-buds so I could watch and listen.  She took off, he called her back.  He jumped up and down some more. She walked off...he stood there a minute, then took off at a full run towards her. I cleared the area from behind the fence just in time to see her turn toward him where he ripped the sunglasses off her face and threw them on the ground shattering them.  So I hollered, 'Hey! You!  Get away from her!"  He runs back to me at full speed....I'm thinking, now what?!  But at the same time totally calm.  Amazing what knowing you are walking in the power and protection of the Holy Spirit will do!

He starts talking 90 to nothing..."I didn't mean it...it's not what you think...I bought those glasses....my dad beat my mom....just stand here and talk to me..." I kept trying to give my response to each of those, but he just kept talking....when he said that I stopped and said, "I will stand her and talk to you all day long, but you lay one more finger on that girl and I will call the police."  She hears that and comes running over, "no don't call anyone.  He didn't mean it.  It runs in his family. He bought me the glasses."

I finally got her to go home after telling her it's NEVER ok for a man to be aggressive with you while he asked me to help him look for the ring she had evidently thrown in the grass that he had just given her.  He said he would call his mom so I could talk to her if I didn't call the police.  I stood there...then he took off.  So I posted it on our neighborhood FB page. No details.  Just a description and the glasses being ripped off part so that hopefully the parents of at least the girl can contact me and I can share with them what I saw so they can know what is going on.

I know some would say I might should've stayed out of it.  Well, let me tell you, when you have a daughter who you know is getting the living daylights beat out of her on a regular basis, you tend to look at situations like that and not have the ability to walk away. I think I would have intervened on that level even before having an abused daughter, but now, any young man...or man....who wants to act in an aggressive or abusive way in front of me to any female, better get ready!  You can ask my boys, if they hit one of their sisters, they get the wrath of their mother and they have a consequence and they get the lecture...I know we're not supposed to lecture...they get the lecture of how a man should ALWAYS treat a lady! Maybe nothing would've happened beyond what did.  But I know there were other people closer than me just watching it happen. I wasn't ok with that.  Why?  Because when my daughter was being drug through a parking lot by her hair, I wish someone would have knocked the living daylights out of that jerk! When he had his hands around her throat cutting off her air supply while she was pregnant, I wish someone would have stopped him!  I still wish someone would intervene!

That teen was someone's daughter.  I don't know if they think that is acceptable behavior for her boyfriend or not, but it's not in my books, and I was the one who was there.  So I stepped in...to the fight....all I was doing was going for a walk!

Losing Children....but finding God

It's a bit ironic now that the child who was the tie breaker for children lost versus children held is now, for the present, a child lost.  We have not shared the details of our families journey over the past four and a half years.  I doubt we will ever share the intimate details of it on a public forum such as this.  However, as we come to the close of at least part of this chapter and enter into a new one, I feel God releasing me to share a bit more of what has occurred along this path.  I am a bit afraid to share.  It is raw.  It is still new and very real pain.  I don't yet have a file to put all the emotions, thoughts and feelings that often break through my mind and heart at weird times throughout a day, often taking me by total surprise.  But I have a friend who is a blogger who recently shared her story of infertility on her blog.  She is a BIG TIME blogger, so her story was read by thousands - and that means even more who can potentially criticize or remark on her pain.  But she talked about how she had to be BRAVE to share her story.  And as I have thought of opening up about this part of our lives and the ridicule that could possibly come, I thought of my friend.  She was Brave.....so I have that song playing now as I type. 

 

You make me brave
You make me brave
You called me beyond the shore
Into the waves

You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now 
The love that made a way        (From You Make Me Brave by Bethel Music)

It is fitting!  No fear can hinder now the love that made a way!  Fear.  It was the biggest emotion I had when it became clear God was asking us to add a 15 year old girl to our family.  I remember vividly sitting on my couch in my living room, tears rolling down my face, looking John in the eyes and choking out between sobs...."I know we are supposed to do this - bring this girl, this teenager into our home - but I can't! I can't even fathom bringing one more person into this home that needs me.  I can't imagine one more person needing me to provide for them emotionally....and I know that a 15 year old coming out of the foster system is going to have a few more emotional needs than a 'typical' teenager. I know God is telling us we are supposed to do this, but I am telling you, I can't!" That was the first time I had ever known God was telling me to do something, and I just could see absolutely NO way for it to happen! Remember, I am the visionary! But God makes a way where there is no way!  "No fear can hinder now the love that made a way!"Over the next two weeks He would speak to me through songs, sermons, even fiction books I picked up. The one thing that stands out the most was hearing a speaker from Stop Child Trafficking Now explain how trafficking is happening in our cities right now.  I sat with tears rolling down my face and silent sobs racking my body as I thought of the beautiful face of this little girl God had asked me to take as my daughter.  Without a family, without intervention she was a prime target for these sick people! 

I don't really know how it happened. I don't really remember a moment when it became ok.  I just know that I went from that place on my couch saying "I can't" to driving in a car to meet my new daughter.  I wasn't afraid anymore.  Sure, I was nervous...I was meeting a TEENAGER who was going to be my daughter for the first time!  Was I wearing the right thing, would I say the right thing?  Would she want us as much as I wanted her? God took me past fear to excitement and pure joy about adding a teen daughter to my family...and in those two weeks is also when we discovered baby number 7 would be arriving in about 9 months! Life was exciting and full of hope!

Fast forward to now.  Thinking back on that "fear" knowing where the journey has taken us makes that word almost laughable.  I don't guess I ever really thought I would lose a child in any of the ways we've lost.  My introduction to motherhood was drastically interrupted by a miscarriage at 13 weeks.  Four years later we would start a journey to bring home the twins I had always dreamed of having!  We would lose Addy to cholera before we ever got to meet her, and Eden would be our daughter but not get to come home due to the illegal processing of her adoption by the agency we were working with.  At that point the count was children in our arms 2, children in our hearts but never to be in our arms 3.  Loss was winning....

Few know that there was a precious little boy named Edwin that we were in the process of bringing home from Liberia not long after Ava was born.  In fact, they would have been "twins".  However, his parents returned to the orphanage to take him back home.  That was a bitter sweet loss.  We were thankful he was able to return to his parents!  That is always the hope for us with biological parents who are safe for children.  So we were overjoyed that they had found a way to care for him.  However, we had already loved him in our hearts as our son.  Children in our arms 3, children lost 4.  Loss was winning....

Then of course our precious Toben did come home!  His name means "believing God is good".  He got that name because after all the loss, taking the step to adopt again internationally was almost more than I could take.  I had to make the conscious decision to believe God was good when on most days I didn't know if I really believed that or not....but if I didn't believe it, I wanted to....and so we were 4 to 4.  

Madison would burst into our lives without us knowing whether she would stay or go.  We were open to whatever role God had for us.  It was a bitter sweet journey, and I sobbed as the judge read that her mother had relinquished her rights, and we would be adopting her.  I was overjoyed to be her forever mommy, but it is never easy to hear mother's connection to her biological child has been severed.  It's just not natural.  And then there was B-man!  Oh, that boy!  He still brings a smile to my face!  He is the one we had to let go....he was the only foster baby we had that left our home.  We knew when he came that he would not stay.  But it doesn't make the good-bye any easier.  And so we were at 5 to hold and 5 let go.

Then came Paizley.  She would tip us to the winning side!  We finally held more than we lost...and one more was on the way!  The losing streak was broken...or so I thought.

Of all the ways we have lost children, this is the hardest.  This is the one I find the fewest words for.  This is the one that brings more anger than any other.  This is the one that leaves me with more questions unanswered than all those before.  This is the one that brings healing only to rip off the scab and the bleeding begins again. This is the one that has impacted every. single. family. member.  This is the one that threatened to steel away my other children with it.  This is the one that tried to make my call in life invalid and worthless.  This one, this one has torn my heart in more pieces than I thought possible...and this is the one that has left the most fear in it's wake. It's the one that won't end.

Tonight, as I was walking and listening to a testimony of a father about his daughter - a daughter he lost first to the ways of the world only to get her back just before a car wreck would take her life.  When you have a child that chooses to walk away from all that you offer, all that you are to pursue a self-destructive life, there are no words for what that does.  I never dreamed I would know how that felt.  I don't think any parent starts their parenting journey preparing or planning to lose their children in any of the ways we have lost, but most certainly not in this way.  You have hopes and dreams for your child.  When a child dies, those die with them.  When a child walks away from you, those dreams you have for them don't die....they just get twisted, mutilated and broken every minute of every day.  Every time you see a friend of theirs from when your child was with you and that friend is living the life you dreamed for your child, and suddenly, the reality of where your child's choices have taken them washes over you, the bleeding starts again.  

Tonight was one of those nights for me.  The bleeding wouldn't stop! As I heard the father talk about his daughter, I wondered if I would get my daughter back before I attend her funeral.  But it doesn't stop with her.  I realized that losing a daughter to the ways of the world has put a fear in my heart.  Fear does not usually have a place in my life.  But as I walked tonight, the tears came, the sobs once again racked my body as I thought of my other children.  The next two oldest are coming into the years when I need to give them wings.  They need to be allowed to dive out of the nest and figure out how to let their wings catch them on the currents and bring them back up into the sky.  I can't lose another! I can't imagine my heart surviving one more child choosing to walk away from all we know and believe in, all we stand for in our family to pursue a life of self destruction. 

And then I think of my Heavenly Father.  He never forces me to choose Him.  How many times do I turn my back on all He has taught me? How many times will I walk away from all He stands for....all He died for?  He doesn't judge me by those who went before me and chose the world over Him...and He doesn't judge me on yesterday when I chose self destructive behaviors over His love and forgiveness.  

I have always said that adopting my children has taught me more about my spiritual adoption as God's daughter than any Bible study, sermon and scripture alone ever could.  And now, walking out a relationship with a child who is living in total contradiction to what we taught, believe and stand for is teaching me more than any Bible study, sermon and scripture alone ever could about the heart of my Heavenly Father for me...and the deep, deep sorrow my sin brings Him.

I have sat many nights and asked why?  Why her? There are over 13,000 children in the state of Texas who needed a forever family.  Why the one who tore our family apart and continues to threaten the safety of our family even today?  Why, God?  Why would a "good" God ask us to do that?  I mean if we are going to keep it real on here, then let's not sugar coat what saying "yes" has really meant in our home. 

And every time I ask Him, I get the same answer.  First, is because He loves her!  He gave her something she had asked Him for....right down to the size and brothers and sisters she wanted!  Second, because He loves her.  He gave her an opportunity for a future that she would not have had without the adoption.  Does that story line sound familiar?  But the truth is, she didn't want what He, what we, had to offer.  At least not right now.  Do you know anyone who has not wanted what Jesus offers us with His death and resurrection?  Coming into our family had some sacrifices.  It meant saying no to some things that seemed like fun.  It meant trusting that we knew more than she did about what was best for her future.  Sound familiar again?  Sin looks so fun! But God knows what is best for our future and that is why He tells us to avoid those things that won't allow us to have His best.  

So why did He ask us to take in her? Why did he ask us to take in the one out of 13,000 when so many would have taken this opportunity and literally transformed their lives? Because He chose her!  My prayer is someday she will understand that!  But in this journey, God has taught me that in the same way He chose her to be in our family, He chose me when He went to the cross! So when the thoughts come that take my off guard, when the questions that still don't have answers bombard my mind and threaten to rob me of peace, I choose to think on the cross!  I refuse to let loss win! And when I look at that in the face...I can't help but dance...and Bethel put it into words perfectly....

You steady me 
Slow and sweet we sway
Take the lead and I will follow

Finally ready now
To close my eyes and just believe
That you won’t lead me where you don’t go

When my faith gets tired
And my hope seems lost
You spin me round and round 
And remind me of that song
The one you wrote for me

And we dance
And we dance 

I’ve been told 
To pick up my sword 
And fight for love
Little did I know 
That love had won for me

Here in your arms
You still my heart again 
And I breathe you in 
Like I’ve never breathed till now

And I will lock eyes 
With the one who’s ransomed me
The one who gave me joy from mourning 

And I will lock eyes 
With the one who’s chosen me
The one who set my feet to dancing 

We dance
Just you and me

It’s nice to know 
I’m not alone 
I’ve found my home here in your arms

Blessings of a Large Family

I am writing reports today for adoptions.  The writing of reports is not my favorite thing I do in my job...and when I am writing for court and have to report all that brought a child into care to begin with, it gets a bit heavy.  So I am taking a break and sharing some reflections on my larger-than-normal family built in some part because others before me wrote such reports!

Let me start with a confession: mothering 9 children can be overwhelming.  Shocker, I know! The laundry never ends. I have to use breathing exercises while I wait for the total at Sam's reminding myself the entire time that God is my provider and He promises we will not go hungry (and we have NEVER gone hungry!).  Sometimes by 5:00, my brain literally hurts from concentrating on conversations with children from 2 to 14 many of which have the word "um" in them 1,895 times.  I have usually changed 4 poopy diapers by 10 am. I could go on, but you get the picture.  I am not always thankful for my blessings, aka: children.

But then there are days like this.  It started out as an escape from insanity! Since we have moved and I work from home, I rarely leave my four walls except to grocery shop, transport kids to/from school and go to church.  That's it.  On this day, I was going a little crazy, so I had the bright idea of loading the youngest four into the wagon and taking a walk to pick up the elementary school kids from school.

It was a great idea....for about 1/2 a mile.  Then I remembered why I had never done this before. We finally made it...even if we were a few minutes late.  But it was on the way home that the reminder came....

I look up to see this! I had not asked her to hold his hand.  She has offered it to him!  He didn't have to be forced to hold her hand. He took it willingly! Because of our family size, our bigger kids have to do things their friends do not...and a lot of times that involves a younger sibling! And in all the grumbling and complaining that sometimes accompanies those tasks, a bond forms that results in moments like this! He offered to pull the wagon.  He waited patiently about 28 times while one child or another decided they wanted to switch from walker to rider and back again.

And these are the moments that make my heart sing and remind my why having a large family truly is a BLESSING! 

And when I look at this grin, well, even the fact that I am starting over....again...at 40....is a BLESSING!  And just in case your wondering, a certain almost one year old who wants to climb out of the wagon, will be content to ride in the cargo hole of said wagon...and will even play peek-a-boo over the cargo hole door! 

A Quiver Full

Children are a heritage from the Lord,
    offspring a reward from him.
4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
    are children born in one’s youth.
5 Blessed is the man
    whose quiver is full of them. ~Psalm 127: 3-5

As a girl who always knew she wanted nothing more than to be a wife and mother, this scripture always intrigued me!  I got the "children are a heritage from the Lord, a reward from him" part...but arrows in the hands of a warrior...and a quiver full?  What is that all about?  Can I be honest and say that I truly had no idea until just a couple of years ago!  I am sure there are amazing teachings out there on this scripture that would have led me out of my ignorance long before now...but I never heard them.  

It wasn't until I started watching my own children worship God, watching them develop their own relationship with God that I began to understand.  It has been through watching my children grow in their own giftings that the light bulb went on...like arrows in the hands of a warrior....you see, my children are not mine.  My children born of my body and my children born of my heart, none of them are mine.  They are God's.  They are His children that He has entrusted me to nurture and train for His Kingdom.  I learned that lesson early in my mothering as I grieved the death of our baby we never got to hold!  I learned through that sorrow that my children were given by God.  They all have a kingdom purpose.  My job as a mother is to guide them into that purpose.  

I have failed miserably on most days.  There are so many ways that I could have done a better job with that.  But as my children become older, and I begin to see the Kingdom purposes unfolding in their lives, I know why God describes them as arrows in the hands of warriors.  It is because we as "warriors" are training them up, lining them up with their "target" and then we "shoot them out" into the world to complete the Kingdom purpose God has had for them since the beginning of time!  

I was reminded of that again today as we were worshiping in service this morning.  The church we go to right now does not open their childcare until about 15 minutes into the service.  We have just recently started attending this church, and I can honestly say this one fact alone nearly made me run screaming from this one! I have asked God more than once, "Are you sure this is it?", just based on this one issue. (Yes, I attend church functions for childcare...well, maybe not really, but it is a plus!) But today, I decided maybe it's not such a bad thing.  I was holding Peighton as the worship service started.  I open my eyes to see her with her hands lifted as high as she can get them!  I look around to see who she is mimicking, not a person in my range of sight has their hands raised.  But it didn't stop there!  Off and on through the first song, she would clap and raise her hands.  Then they started singing a song that talks about the Holy Spirit as a fire that burns deep inside of us, and they say "burn" over and over.  With paci in mouth, she starts almost yelling, "BURN! BURN! BURN!"  I had goosebumps all over me!  Then she starts moving her hand in an outward motion in front of her in very deliberate, strong motions.  And I knew....I have another arrow that I am to equip, mold, nurture, train and grow up while she is in my quiver so that at the right time, I can send her out into the world, ready and able to hit her target in God's Kingdom!  I have no idea what that target is right now, but I know from what I saw today and what God spoke into my spirit that this little girl is mine because God has a specific plan and purpose for her, and He needs me to equip her for it...as is the case for all 7 other arrows still in my quiver!

I can't explain the events of the last three years.  I don't know why so many things had to happen that happened!  I would have written this story so much differently, and in my story, I would not be raising these two babies that are supposed to call me Mimi and not Mommy.  But this I know.  God has brought 9 children into our lives.  He brought them here to be trained as warriors in His Kingdom.  There will come a time when they will have to choose for themselves whether or not they want to fulfill the plans that God has for them or whether they want to walk away. As much as I wish I could choose for them.  I can't.  But I can speak Truth over and to them.  I can pray God's Word over them while they sleep, as they wake and when we go about our day.  I can do battle for and with them when the storms seem to be taking them over.  And at the right time, I can let them go, shot out from our "bow" and watch them as they minister to a lost and lonely world who desperately needs to know the Savior that they know! 

"Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them......."

We are "The Family"

I saw a post on one of the foster/adoption support groups lately that made me stop and think.  Someone was asking about an attorney because they were a foster family who had a child in their home for almost a year and some family members were now being considered for placement as termination was either already done or was expected to take place soon.

This family was wanting to fight for their foster child to stay in their home.  I get it!  Really, I do!  I was that foster parent! I never fought against family, but I have had  many cases either of my own or with friends who I felt strongly a child should not be returned to family.  I would have been the first one to claim staying with that foster family is best for the child, and who in the world would ever consider moving him?! I would have been the first to cry foul over that!

But as I read that post, I realized, we are now "The Family".  CPS was involved with our grandbabies before we stepped in and took custody.  And I have been pretty vocal on many fronts that we jumped in to save them from CPS as much as the current situation they were in!  But had we not felt called to jump in or had not headed that call for whatever reason, CPS would have acted.  They were set to remove the kids, and they would have placed them with someone other than us. I had been way too vocal and active in the case for the past few months for them to place them with us.  Let's just say the worker was not a fan of mine.  We would have challenged it in court...maybe we would have won, maybe we would not...but regardless of where they were placed at removal, even the not-a-fan-of-mine worker agreed if termination ultimately occurred we would be given the option of adoption since we were "The Family".

So what does that mean?  That means that we would have had two grandbabies who didn't know us except maybe for visits once a week.  And let me just say that visits once a week provide no more opportunity for bonding and attachment for that baby than the person who keeps your kids for church on Sunday morning! But that is a rant for another time! If the circumstances had been different and we had not taken custody of the babies when we did, I most definitely would have wanted to be considered for adoption if termination had occurred!

Does that make me evil? Does that mean I was not looking out for the best interest of my grandchildren since I would be removing them from people they had known their whole life in order to bring them into a home where they would not really know anyone? Before I sat on this side of the fence, I probably would have answered these questions with a "yes"! But perspective matters! And what I now know is that "The Family" is not always given the opportunity to take custody even if they "would".  My old question of "Well, where was that aunt, grandparent, sister, etc, etc when they were removed?" really doesn't hold water anymore.  Perhaps they just didn't know!  And that might not have been because of any fault of their own.  Or maybe they knew and were denied access because they had held the parents to a standard so the parents refused to allow CPS to place the kids there upon removal.  There are a million reasons that I now understand why "The Family" might not show up until the end of the process.

Please don't hear me say that all family is safe and should be given first opportunity for placement! But at the same time, I am saying, not all family is evil and don't care about the kids.   I am saying, you might hold off judgement until you meet them.  You might hold off opinions until you know all the circumstances.  And I am saying that children being raised by family who is safe is a good thing!  Something we as adoptive parents fail to think of in the beginning is that adopted kids are adopted their whole lives!  Some are ok with that, and some really struggle to overcome the rejection of that!  Any child being raised by family has a little less rejection to face!

And on a selfish note, I want to know where my grandkids are!  I want to be able to be a part of their lives since it wasn't my choices that put them where they are!  We may have more grandchildren whose future is unclear.  I will always want to have any opportunity I can to be a part of their lives.  I am so thankful now we were open to letting Madison's grandmother and siblings be a part of her life! Anyone who knows me knows I am not a huge proponent of open adoptions.  I know, I am not politically correct in that....and oh so many other things as well!  But we knew Madison's grandmother was safe for her and we are thankful Madison has that connection to her biological family!  And now that I am "The Family" I understand even more the sacrifice it was for her grandmother to agree to let us adopt her! I admire her greatly and am forever indebted to her for allowing us to be Madison's parents!

So I guess my message through all the garble of my emotions here is that if you are a foster parent, stay open.  Don't jump to conclusions.  Try to not let your emotions lead every decision.  Try to think long term and not just in the now.  And don't automatically view any biological relative of your foster child as the enemy!  I know if we ever foster again, I will do it with a whole different perspective than I did the first time!

The Enemy Doesn't Just Fall on the Sword

I was talking with someone yesterday about spiritual battles.  In the midst of that conversation God gave me an analogy.  It was one of those times that after I said it, I thought, "Man, that was GOOD!"  Which means it wasn't my thought! It was God helping me help her.

I know if more than two people are reading this, then someone is in a spiritual battle and might need to hear this also!

The battlefield is truly in the mind! My heart grieved for this person as I heard words coming out of her mouth that I have said myself so many times.  I knew the enemy was doing a number on her.  She was believing the lies..God is the enemy...He hasn't done anything to fight for me...Scripture won't work, I've already tried that.  Yet when I asked what scriptures she had memorized, she hadn't.

I pointed to the ground and said, if I am in a battle and my sword is laying on the ground, how much good is it going to do me?  Is the enemy going to pick up my sword and kill themselves?  God has given us the Sword!  But we have to pick it up and at least hold it in front of us in order to do battle! We have to use the Word when the lies come in order to combat them.  And the lies probably are not going to come when I am sitting with the Bible in my hand reading it.  Therefore, I have to have His Word hidden in my heart in order for the Spirit to bring it to the forefront of my mind in order for me to fight off the lies the enemy uses to defeat me!

So if you are in battle today, don't leave your sword on the nightstand!  It will not do you any good there! If you are in battle, you need to pick up your Sword and start swinging! Then watch the enemy flee!  That Word promises it....so you can stand on it!

You are not reaching your full potential if you are not in church!

You are not reaching your full potential if you are not in church.  Stick with me! I know that is a bold and controversial statement!

Let me make two points very clear before I continue. 1) I LOVE the Body of Christ! I love how He set it up to operate.  I love how, when it operates as He intended, there is nothing more powerful, more loving, or more genuine, than the Body of Christ!  2) I have been hurt deeply by the "church".  More than once, I have pleaded with God to show me a way other than having to find a new "church" to be part of His Body.  Joining a new church felt a little like leading myself to the guillotine at times! And maybe a third point 3) I don't define "church" as a building.  I believe any group of people who meet for the purpose of worship, teaching, encouraging and equipping followers of Christ are a "church" and a Body of Christ.

We had been attending and prayerfully seeking God's direction for us in a Body since moving.  But recently, felt God asking us to move to a new body for several reasons.  So we set out to find where God wanted us to be.  We didn't miss a single week of church.  My awesome husband even took our 8 plus two extra teens on a week that I was out of town for work.  But can I tell you that in those four weeks that we were "homeless", I was reminded that I will never reach my full potential if I am not in fellowship regularly with other believers.

I understand.  That pastor betrayed your trust, your respect.  That church leader was completely insensitive and maybe even inappropriate in the way they handled your life crisis.  There are probably very few church issues that bring pain that you could throw my way that John and I haven't walked through ourselves at some point. But we understand these leaders, pastors, teachers, other church members are human...just like us! I have hurt people's feelings....people in my church.  I have had to go apologize and ask forgiveness for hurting feelings.  The bottom line is, there is no perfect church because it is made up of humans like me.

But, there is a perfect church for my family....and for you and your family!  God never intended for us to do life alone! Romans 12 and 1 Corinthians 12 both talk of how we are just part of a body. "For the body does not consist of one member but of many" You alone, are NOT the Body of Christ! And if you are not in a Body of Christ, that Body is missing a part..a toe, an arm, a head even maybe! Do you realize without you, some Body of Christ that you are called to is quite possibly having to operate without a vital part?

And without that Body  in your life, you are not all you can be! I don't care how mature you think you are.  I don't care how much tv church you watch.  Without a Body of believers that you know and who know you, you are not able to do all you can do.  I know there are circumstances with health where you can't get out of the house, and for those I am so thankful for technology that can bring church to a home!  But for those who just use that as the checklist for church or to ease your mind about going to church, it's not the same! Look at Jesus himself! He met regularly with his 12, then even more intimately with three.  And he met often with a crowd!  If Jesus needed a Body to reach His potential, what makes us think we are different? If He didn't have the maturity to do it alone, how can we even begin to think we can?

God couldn't have made it any clearer, "do not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:25.  During those four weeks, I was trying to do my individual study with God every morning.  I was using online worship services during the week to keep myself encouraged.  But even still, the depression started setting in.  You see just like a big cat after its prey, when the enemy can isolate us from the herd, we are so much easier to take down! As we sat in a different church each week where we felt like strangers, because we were, I realized that I would never reach my full potential if we did not find a body where I could plug in.  Be a part of what God was doing in a Body of believers.  Being part of something bigger than ourselves keeps us encouraged and moving forward! It keeps the focus off of us! One of the biggest weapons the enemy has it to get me focused on me! When I am not part of a church, it is so much easier to become focused inward!

So let me encourage you to allow God to heal the wounds you may have from "church people".  No pastor is infallible!  But God is! Don't trust a church, trust God! Trust that He can bring healing from your past hurts and any future hurts.  Then ask Him to show you where He wants you! He has a place He needs you to plug in because He has called and gifted you to be a part of a body! And that body needs you...and you need that body!

Under His WIngs

I just have to share how grateful I am that I serve a personal, caring and loving Heavenly Father! Daily life right now is really rough.  There is no big catastrophe in my life.  I look at what others are dealing with in illness and loss and know I have no right to complain, but still, the reality of this season is difficult.  The emotional toll on my heart and soul has been just nearly devastating! I have cried out to God many times asking Him when the load will become lighter.  I have read and re-read Matthew 11:28 that says God will give me rest when I come to him weary and burdened and verse 30 that says His yoke is easy and His burden is light.  My circumstances don't line up with this at all, but I am at a place in my spiritual walk where I refuse to let circumstances be my reality.  I choose to believe scripture and will stand in faith believing scripture until my circumstances line up with it! I am not there yet on this one, but I am still believing and asking for wisdom and knowledge and practical steps to get there.

I can't tell you that God has taken anything off of my plate, he has not lightened my load any as I have cried out to Him.  Some days, that is really frustrating for me! But this morning, I find myself a bit thankful for this load.  (Don't tell John because he might use it against me since he had to listen to the explosion that occurred this morning before I could get still with God and sort out all that is running through my head and heart! :) Sorry, Babe!) As James says in James 1, I am thankful for these trials because they are teaching me steadfastness and teaching me more about the character of God! And this week, He has taught me about His protection!

Psalm 91 is a scripture I have prayed almost daily for over a year now.  It has truths that I have held onto for dear life during that time.  One of them has been verse 4 that says He will cover me with His feathers and under His wings I will find refuge because His faithfulness is a shield.  I have loved that verse for quite some time now....in fact, oddly enough, that verse was something God used to speak to us about Eden's adoption! But as I have prayed that over myself for months now, it was a nice warm fuzzy concept, but really, that's all it was - a concept.  I wasn't really sure what it meant.  I knew it meant He would protect me.  I had myself envisioned curled up in His enormous lap with His gigantic arms wrapped around me so tightly that no one could see me to even know that I was there.  But this past week, God took it from a concept to an experience. You see, that is what He does when we seek to know Him more!  He reveals Himself!  He takes what we are reading about and makes it a reality! Can I tell you how much that makes me love Him more?  Can I tell you that's how I know he is REAL?!  On Tuesday we had an appointment that I had been dreading for months.  I had cried out to God asking Him to just remove the situation all together!  I had asked Him to just supernaturally do something so that we could just avoid the uncomfortableness and potential heartbreak.  Yet, the appointment stood.  There were several potential outcomes.  I can't say there was really a winning outcome...it's just one of those not great situations.  I had gotten to a place before we left Tuesday morning for the appointment where I could tell God, "I trust You! Whatever happens today, whatever I have to face, I trust you during the process and with the outcome."  That was pretty substantial since previously I was most certain if the meeting went one way, I would run out of it an emotional wreck!  We kept the appointment, but God protected us from any heartache associated with the meeting.  He covered me with His wings! Then again Sunday, there was a circumstance that would have been emotionally devastating.  I actually avoided the situation with what I thought was just an immature fit.  In fact, I was pretty sure I was going to have to repent for disobedience.  I went to bed Sunday night in complete turmoil.  God's Word promises that we will be lead by peace.  I have learned to find that peace no matter what is swirling around me.  But Sunday night, I couldn't get there! I couldn't sleep.  My stomach was in knots.  My heart was aching.  My thoughts were racing.  I eventually drifted off to sleep still unable to even really put words to what was causing the turmoil.  Being extremely transparent here, I am in a season where as soon as my alarm clock sounds, I begin praying for the strength to get out of bed and face my day! So I began that prayer Monday morning as soon as the alarm sounded...and then the situation from the previous day came back to mind.  But the turmoil was gone.  With in minutes of being awake, God gave voice to my emotions and peace flooded my entire being as He continued to speak and brought wisdom and direction.

And again, I felt His enormous wings as they covered me, and I felt His personal, intimate love for me!  And I realized what I thought was an act of disobedience and letting my emotions get the best of me was actually God using those emotions to protect me from what have been a very emotionally and spiritual hurtful situation.  He removed me from it all together and then gave me peace to confirm it was Him.

It is true, God has called me to this life that is really hard in many ways.  And the enemy would like for me to think that because He asked me to do something that brings pain and suffering and just plain hard times, that He is not a loving God.  But this week He has reminded me that as long as I keep my eyes on Him.  As long as I look to Him for my comfort and strength, no matter what the life He has called me to brings, there is always a safe place to go...under His LOVING wings!

New Beginnings and Clean Slates

I LOVE New Years...mornings, Mondays, start of school...anything that represents a new beginning and a clean slate! I am such a mess up!  I have such great intentions most days, and fail at most of those intentions most days in this season of life.  But I love that EVERY morning, I have a clean slate, a new start!  I love Lamentations 3:22-23 that promises "because of the Lord's mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His tender compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great and abundant are your stability and faithfulness." (emphasis mine)

I see every morning as a new beginning full of possibility and God's compassion and mercy that covers all I didn't accomplish or managed to totally mess up yesterday!  And New Year's kind of represents that on a yearly basis for me.  It is a time to reflect on the past year, mark stones of remembrance of God's faithfulness and provision, times of spiritual stretching that hopefully brought growth, and looking at the times I didn't quite hit the mark.  Then I ask God to speak to me about the upcoming year!  For the past four years, sometime between mid December and January 1, God has dropped either a word or two or a scripture in my mind or drawn it out of one of my studies and said it was for the new year.  It's become one of my favorite parts of December....listening to what God has to say about the upcoming year!

For 2013, God gave me the words Faith and Obedience!   The other fun part about God speaking to me about years like that is looking back over the year in my review mirror and seeing just where the words or scriptures God gave encouraged, sustained, prepared and motivated me.  Well, faith and obedience were definitely a theme in 2013!  The obedience part was that I was to hear his voice, even a small whisper, and do it! No questioning, no reasoning, just pure faith, trust and obedience...from "pick up that marker on the floor" to "take in two more children", I tried to simply obey when I heard His voice.  I didn't succeed in all areas.  My weight battle ensued long after I wanted it to, but there was even victory there when I followed through with my obedience!  But as I look back over the year, I know God prepared me for adding two babies to our home and moving our family 5 hours away from our support system of amazing friends and family.

I honestly hadn't thought much about it this year.  We are still trying to unpack from the move.  And with the move, I had done zero shopping for Christmas...and can I tell you that shopping for 8 kids plus extended family is an ordeal?! We also hosted both families this year for Christmas.  Love doing that, but it has meant there has been little alone time with God really except for the few moments I have carved out here and there.  But one of the things I love about my God is that He knows my heart!  He knows that my heart longs to be with Him!  And so even though I hadn't done the "check list" to hear Him, He spoke anyway!  I was actually getting dressed one morning, and just had my worship music on.  I heard joy and consistency.  Took me a minute to figure out why I heard that.  Then I knew.  They are my words for 2014! I am still studying to see just exactly what they mean and what my part is to make sure they remain themes for the year.  But I am excited to see what God does to bring joy and consistency into our family....really, two things that were definitely missing this year!

So I encourage you to get alone with God sometime today and ask Him what He has for you in the coming year!  He is a God of love and mercy, if you have this feeling that you are on God's "naughty" list and are afraid to hear what He has to say, please know that is the enemy!  Yes, God may have some things to say about what you have done, but He loves you enough to send his Son from heaven's seat to a manger in a stable!  He is longing for you to sit with Him and let Him share the good, perfect and full of hope plans He has for you in the coming year!  And if you don't get to that today, you can do it in the morning because every morning is full of new mercies!

Happy New Year blog world friends! I pray God's faithful provision, tangible presence and sustaining JOY over each and every one of you for 2014!

5K, 40 and what God taught me!

That's me as I crossed the FINISH line!!! I did it!  If you know me, you now that the fact that I put my arms up as I ran by John when he snapped this picture tells you what was going on inside of me!  There were other people watching, and I would never have done that, but what was going on inside came bubbling out as I passed him and Journey and knew that self doubt for the journey of health and wellness were defeated forever!

It was AMAZING!  It will definitely go down as one of the biggies as a stone of remembrance in my spiritual walk.  In fact, literally every part of the 5K was a lesson!  God talked to me the entire time making spiritual comparisons to what was happening physically.  By the end of the race, I was just praying God would help me recall all he told me when I could sit down to write it all out.  Just before my last push to the end, God said to write it all down and be ready to share it! So if you have a women's event coming up and need a speaker, I would love to come share what God showed me about running the race of life through this journey! 

Can I just tell you that I would have quit so many times if not for making a big deal about it here and on my Facebook page?!  By the time the race got here that morning, I was scared to death!  I know it sounds silly and totally illogical, but aren't most of our fears and strongholds the enemy has us trapped in?!  I pushed through those only because I had accountability to those who had spoken words of confidence over me, and I was not going to let them or my family down by not going through with it.  They said go, I start jogging and about 10 yards in, I start feeling like my legs are lead, I need to go to the bathroom, and I think I will puke any second!  I am not even .10 miles into this thing!!  How will I ever finish and finish strong?!  But I keep going.  After that initial panic was over, I realized it is just like the enemy to give one last ditch effort to keep us from victory! I had ran almost .70 miles in training, but .1 into the race that would defeat the devil, he plays mind games with me to make me stop the race!  Wow! How many victories have I missed because the last leg of the journey was harder than I expected or the enemy simply psyched me out and I quit?!

I didn't run the whole thing..in fact, I didn't ever run as far at one time as I had in training.  But my goal was to finish, and not be last.  I met that goal..and actually had my best personal time!  I finished in 46 minutes and 30 something seconds!  But way more important than the time was finishing with freedom!  Seriously, for anyone who has not been in spiritual warfare or been on a journey to break a generational stronghold, this will sound crazy.  It won't be the first...and I am sure not the last..time I am called crazy!  I knew since deciding to do the 5K that when I crossed the finish line I would be doing something in the natural that would release the spiritual freedom I needed to finally walk in health and wellness.  The self-doubt and whatever else you call what kept me eating poorly and "settling" for this life would be done!  I was a weeping mess even before I got to the starting line!  Part of that was fear too! I had a friend encouraging me.  I laughed because she said, you have fought African governments for children, this race has nothing to scare you!  Funny isn't it, the things we let fear get a grip of in our life?! I knew I wanted to run (ok jog....as my FB friends know I don't really run!  Someone posted something that said my running looks like a herd of turtles running through peanut buttern and that's me!) across the finish line! I had a plan.  I had never taken the time to get good running music, so the night before I had downloaded Mandisa's knew album.  GREAT running music!  Maybe not the fastest tempo, but the words to two of her songs could not have been more appropriate! There was one song, Pres On, that I knew would push me over the finish line strong.  So I had a plan to switch my music to that song right as I start my sprint (ok, really fast walk/jog, but I can dream, can't I?!) to the end.  I turned the corner...I set my music, and I picked up the pace! And then, my phone does crazy stuff and switches songs every second or two! Ugh! NO!!!! So I go back to a walk, put it on Press On, and pick it up again.  Same thing! Ugh!!!!  Really, God?!  Now?!  I need this to get past that line up there!  I try one more time....same thing! Forget it!  I take off letting the crazy phone do it's thing! About 10 seconds later, I am smiling from ear to ear because it lands on Dance, Dance, Dance!  I knew it wasn' t a coincidence!  God had just given me the biggest hug possible!  You see, when that album came out YEARS ago, I would sing that song dreaming of being free from the bondage of weight and food addiction.  Mandisa wrote it on her journey through the same thing.  I would sing it as a prayer more than a celebration because I wasn't there yet!  But here, when I was walking out in the physical what I knew God was doing in the spiritual, my phone switches to this:
Maybe you don't understand why I gotta dance
There was something had me down but it's over now
I'm a throw my hands up
Wave 'em all in the air
'Cause all I wanna do is dance, dance, dance

They told me you ain't good enough
Don't look good enough
Don't sing good enough
Maybe you should give it up
And if I would've then I never could've received
None of the things that He planned for me
So I waited a little longer
Grew a little stronger and then
I realized something was happening
It's so incredible, it's unexplainable
You oughta try Him for yourself and see because

[Chorus]

Sometimes I think about
How it used to be, and can't help but
Remembering how it was never easy for me, no, no
But the way God works, it's so amazing
He never forgot me, I can't forget Him
That's enough for me to lift my hands and
I'm sorry if you don't understand

[Chorus]

All my tears (it's over now)
And all my pain (it's over now)
All my doubts (it's over now)
They went away (it's over now)
No more fear (it's over now)
And I'm glad (it's over now)
Yes, so glad
'Cause all I wanna do is dance

Wow! If I could have breathed enough, I would've literally danced across the finish line!  It was just confirmation of what I already knew!  I was now walking in freedom and VICTORY!!!!!  Friends, to borrow the words of Mandisa, you really oughta try him for yourself and see!!! If you don't know Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior, please e-mail (hollyann@addyshope.com) me! I would love to talk to you more about the freedom you can have!

Oh...and 40, well it's looking FABULOUS!