My baby boy

I did not journal on my trip to get Toben. I hate that I didn't, but in the state I was in with all that happened, I just couldn't. I couldn't relive the days events in order to write them down. And the days when all good was happening, I spent my evenings enjoying my little guy as my days had been filled with agency business so I hadn't gotten to be mommy. By the time he went to bed, I was too exhausted to try and journal. I knew I would regret it, and I do. I have a horrible memory! But I am praying God will be gracious and as I reflect on the pictures, the memories will come back.

I have been going to post for a week now on some adoption thoughts, but haven't been able to. Toben has done wonderful! We truly have been blessed! We could not ask for a better transition! He does not appear to even mourn his old life (I know that will come later even if we aren't dealing with it now). He has bonded wonderfully. He seeks my comfort when he is hurt (Or he wants to tattle!) and has appropriate emotions/actions. Truly, it has been a dream.....except for me! I remember some of the same feelings with Noah, so I am giving myself some slack. But this time, it has been compounded with all that happened while in Liberia and shortly after. The stress of that has just made my bonding to Toben difficult. I will explain more in a longer post later. I just share that because I have some dear friends who are throwing me a blessings shower on Sunday, and I want to take some pictures. I may have to stay up all night tonight and tomorrow night, but I am determined to have some of Toben's scrapbook done for the shower. So I was looking back through my trip pictures, and I was flooded with emotion! First, he has changed soooo much! He looks so little, and now that I know him better, so scared in the pictures! He is always smiling now, so the fact that the smile was missing most of the time shows me how scared he was!

As I look at the pictures, I remember where he was.....and that God brought him half way around the world to be my son! Truly amazing! I don't want to miss one day of giving this little guy all the love he deserves! I haven' watched the DVD from the trip that one of our sweet adoptive parents put together for us. I am just scared of what emotions it will evoke. BUt now that I have looked at the pictures, I know I need to look at the video.

I know for me, with adopiton, there is a mourning that has to occur before I can truly embrace my child. I am a baby person! So for this adoption there is a mourning of the baby I will never have in Toben. The three years I have lost with him (We think he is three as we got his case history and it has his birthday as Jan 16 2005, and that seems about right!) have to be mourned. I have to mourn so much other that I don't have time to dealve into right now, but I will share later!

I just wanted to share some more pictures with you from my trip. My precious little guy! Here he was in Liberia!

Getting to know each other!

FOOD! His favorite thing!






The Beach....our favorite spot!

Tests are back....

You know from my last post that there is a lot going on with me! Thank you for all your kind comments and e-mails! I assure you the prayers mean the world to me. I know that my Savior carrying me is the only way I am making through life right now!

I did get the tests back and all is normal. I know I should be excited about that, but I was hoping they could find something wrong that I could take a pill and fix! :) But it seems that stress is the issue, so John and I are praying for direction and wisdom.

The End of Myself

Every time I think I am at the end of myself, God takes me a little further. I know it has been a life long process as I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior when I was 10 years old. Yet, the heat was turned up when Callie was born, we moved away from family, and God began redoing my faith. My faith became mine in college, but during the last 8 years, He has been showing me where many things I believed as part of my religion were not scriptural. That sounds so easy, yet to come to a place where lies are replaced with truth in my inmost being is a very painful thing.

Many times over the last 8 years, I have thought that I was at the end of myself. Yet, today, I know He has taken me one step further. I had blood work done. They are testing for a few issues because physically, some things are not right. I have high blood pressure for the first time in my life. Even when I am pregnant, my blood pressure is very low. Yet, the last two times I have been to the doctor, it has been pretty high. My mind is foggy most of the time. At times it is so bad, I can't complete a sentence. My day timer has become my best friend as I have to write EVERYTHING down to remember anything.

I truly am struggling with all this. I am anxious to hear the test results. Yet, what if there is nothing physically wrong? What if this is all due to the stress of my life? I know scripture says that God does not give us more than we an handle in Him. I know the in Him part is the key! And I do that to the best of my ability. I spend time with Him every day...and not just because I want to check it off my list but because he is my best friend! I want to know Him better than I know anyone else in my life. I have people, one in particular, who speak wisdom and truth into my life in love. I am doing all that I know to do in order to trust God with all that is in my life, yet still these physical issues. This morning as I thougth of some of the issues in my life, I noticed my hands went numb. Later as I was thinking some more, my feet went numb. I am no doctor, and this could totally be coincedence, but I immediatly became concerned that the numbness was a result of my blood pressure going high again.

As I panick over issues that are happening in my life right now, I hear, "You walked in obedience, that is all you can do. The rest is mine to handle." Later, as I was writing in my journal, I hear, "I am taking you to the end of yourself to that I can be glorified." As I am crying out for God to speak to me, to calm my spirit, I read Psalm 46:10 "Cease striving and know that I am God". Such simple words, yet such a difficult thing to do for me....but when God takes me to the end of myself, what choice do I have but to cease striving, and know that He is God? When He takes me to the point that there is nothing I can do to improve a circumstance or a situation, what choice do I have but to let Him be God? That is where I am! If only I can find the peace that truly comes from that place! If only I can cease striving, truly trust, truly lean on Him. Then will flow the peace that passes all understanding as I rest under His wing!

Happy Easter!

Here are some pics of our Easter! Hope you enjoy! I know you guys have been wanting pics of Toben....I have had a hard time blogging since coming home.....more about that later! But I am trying to get back into it! So here are some pics! Enjoy!

Matching outfits....a splurge I don't allow myself often!



My boys! So handsome!





My girls! Such beauties....inside and out!




Bubbles from Nana and Granddad (John's dad)were a hit! We all laughed at Toben's precious giggles when the bubbles would fly! Only for Granddad woudl I allow bubbles inside my house! It was just too cold to go outside. We did have to stop after there were enough bubbles on the floor that everyone started slipping and falling down!





After lunch we did the egg hunt! Noah thought I had done great job of hiding his eggs when we realized none of his eggs had been hidden! They were still in the sack! oops! So we sent him away while we hid his eggs! I have found that having four children provides lots of opportunities for oopses like this!







We did things a little backwards this year. We dyed eggs after the egg hunt! I wanted the kids in their outfits for the egg hunt and din't want them to change clothes twice and definitly didn't want them in their Easter clothes to dye eggs! So here is our dye job!

Was I in an orphanage? Part 2

Well, Noah didn't forget about the pictures and yesterday, with John and I, he saw his sweet bio mother's face for the first time. He teared up and got sad because he says he misses her so much. I of course became defensive! I hate that feeling! I am an adult! Why does a child's emotions about a mother who gave him life bring that out in me?! Anyway, John, the ever loving, non-emotional man that he is, offered to put the picture in a frame in his room. What?!!!! You want to put the 'nother mother in his room?! I wanted to deck him! Ok, I will admit John had the "right" response, but I still wanted to deck him! Luckily, God was gracious to me even in my jealousy and Noah just said he wanted the pictures in his baby scrapbook that he LOVES to look at so tha the can see them when he wants to! Ok, now I feel better! :)

It is crazy that I would get so defensive. But he is MINE! I am the one who has had to deal with the anger, who wipes the hiny and the tears! I am the one who has to explain why he is living with us instead of the mother who grew him in her tummy. I have to say that I used to have no sympathy for bio mothers. I know it sounds like I still don't! That is not true. Just a mommy trying to deal with a sons questions that bring up fears and scary thoughts of life later. Just dealing with my own insecurities as a mommy (thank you all for your kind comments in part one of this post!).

Honestly, God taught me so much when I met NOah's birth mom. There were some things that made me really dread meeting her. But when I met her, I was overcome with love and compassion! Here sat a woman who lived life the only way she knew how. God taught me so much in that moment about my world! It was the beginning of lessons I would need to work in Liberia, West Africa. I cannot look at everyone through the eyes of my middle class, white, American world. No, the choices this young lady made did not make sense to me. But as I sat adn visited with her, I realized that in her world, they made perfect sense! They were all she knew!

So the pictures will go in the Scrapbook and Noah will know that a precious young mother mad the most selfless decision she could ever make and gave him a life that she could not. He will know that God ordained him for our family and we are so thankful. We pray for his mother. We will always pray for her. And one day, if Noah feels the need to know her, I will stand beside him as we find her and welcome her into our family as God welcomed me into His!

My sweet Savior

I love Easter! I love reflecting on what the Savior did for me...our pastor always says he doesn't understand why Christmas is so much bigger than Easter because with out Easter, Christmas would just be another day. I didn't get that when I first heard it, but the more I know more Savior the more I get it!

This has been a rough year. Probably one of the roughest ever. I can't put my finger in exactly why, but my faith has been stretched and pulled to new heights. One of the things that struck me when we came home from Liberia this time is the HUGE sacrifice Jesus made for me. I konw that sounds silly, but it really hit me that he had a choice! As we had untrue statements published about us and found ourselves scrambling to defend our selves to adoptive families, government officials, the US state department, etc, etc, I couldn't help but think of my Jesus. He had false accusations made against him too! False accusations that were there because of me! I had to look inside myself and see if given the choice that Jesus was given...to walk away from the suffereing, the accusations, the pain, would I have gone to the cross? I would love to say that I would have, but had I really been given a choice, knowing what I would suffer, I dare say I would have chosen the easier road. Yet, Jesus didn't! As I read in John this morning, it struck me again. John 16:5 says "Now, Father, glorify Me together with Yourself, with the glory which I had with You before the world was." He left that glory to come to earth to be falsely accused, beaten, nailed to a cross and die for me....and for you! He left the ultimate relaxing and fulfilling vacation, the most intimate and fulfilling relationship, the most luxurious mansion our minds could fathom, to be born in a stable, grow as a poor boy by this world's standards, carry his cross to a hill covered in blood from my beeting and hang on a cross to die. Knowing that, how can I tell Him no? How can I not tell everyone I encounter about my Jesus? He did that for me...and for you! If I were Jesus, you would all be in trouble! But thank God, my Jesus loved me enough to choose the hard road! Thank you, Jesus, may I live in a way that honors your sacrifice for me!

Was I in an orphanage?

Noah came into the kitchen today after Toben got in trouble confused in the fact that he was never in an orphanage. He was thinking he had been. I told him that I got him right from the hospital, from his 'nother mother (that is what he calls his birth mom) to my arms, no steps in between! He reached up for me with tears in his eyes. I picked him up and he layed his head on my shoulder and I asked him what was wrong. He said sometimes when people cry (Toben had just been crying because he was in trouble), it makes him miss his 'nother mother. I asked what he missed about her? He didn't know. I tried to explain to him that he never lived with his birth mother. Then he said he missed his brother and sister. I told him he never met them either as they didn't live with his mother. They had been adopted by two other families. He said, "Well, I just miss her." So I told him that was ok and that I was sure she missed him to. I told him we had pictures of her with him when he was a baby if he wanted to see them. He smiled. I told him that we would wait until Daddy came home and then we would look at them if he still wanted to.

I also told him that we used to send her pictures of him. She doesn't come into the mission anymore, so we stopped, but that our friend who helped us find him knows to call me if she ever comes in and wants new pictures. He asked where she lived and I gave him the city. He wanted to know where her house was and I told him I didn't know. That when she had him, she didn't have a house and that was one of the reasons she let us have him. He seemed happy with that and went to play while I finished lunch.

Of course I wanted to fall apart! After those conversations, I always drive myself crazy analyzing everything! Did I say enough, did I say too much? Is he having issues that I am not seeing? Drives me crazy! John just takes it in stride. He always says it bothers me way worse than Noah and the fact that he talked about it and shared it means its ok. I guess that is a good point! If he is comfortable enough sharing those feelings with me, then he will talk about it whenever he needs to.

Adoption is just hard. I always think of the proces as hard, but after that is the easy part. I am learning, it is just hard, period! It is VERY worth it, but it is hard! I wouldn't trade Noah for the world, but there are days I wish he was born to me....that his story is like all the other "normal" kids. That he has sonogram and me pregnant pictures like Callie and Ava. Not because I want him to be different than he is, but because I don't want him to ever feel any bad feelings because he is adopted, but I know that I can't keep that from happening. That is the worst part of being a mommy....not being able to keep my kids from hurting!

Ilma Cloe Siddall September 22, 1918~March 7, 2007

Grandmother and my Callie


On Friday night at 10:15, I had the privilege of holding my Grandmother's hand as she left this life. Grandmother and I did not always have the best relationship. I can remember when I was young times that she told me how fat I was and how pretty my cousin was. But yet, as years went on, we had an understanding between us. I am not sure when the change occurred. I spent many weekends with Grandmother and Granddaddy in Eunice, NM. I was the only grandchild who really would spend weekends with them, but I loved it! I even went with them on many of their job trips as Granddaddy was a pipe inspector for Shell Pipeline. We picked up shells on the beach on one of their jobs. Grandmother has a shell collection that is unbelievable! We would read, bake or just spend time looking through books together.

One of my favorite stories of Grandmother was our trip from Albuquerque when she was taking me home. Grandmother didn't know how to pump gas! I couldn't believe it! We were about to run out of gas, and she said she couldn't get any gas because she couldn't find a full-service station. I died laughing and told her to pull over and I would teach her how to pump gas. I was 8!




Grandmother was also the one who told me Santa Clause wasn't real. That wasn't one of her best moments in my life! But I look back now and know it was all in love.

I was always the one called in when Grandmother wouldn't behave herself when she was sick. Four years ago, she suffered a serious heart attack and needed surgery. She did not understand the severity of what was happening to her, and would not sign the papers to give consent to the surgery despite my uncle and Daddy telling her she needed to. I just got right in front of her nose, bent down and told her she didn't have an option. She would die with out the surgery and we needed her to sign the papers so that she would have a fighting chance. She just looked at me and said, "Well, I guess I don't have a choice, give me the papers." That was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done as none of us expected her to survive the surgery, but Granddaddy wanted her to have the surgery. With out it, she had a less than 75% chance of survival. So when all the family went to dinner to talk about what we needed to do, I finally stopped everyone and said, "Granddaddy, what do you want." He said he wanted her to have the surgery so that she could come home. we all knew then she had to have the surgery for his peace of mind. That was four years ago! Many times during her recovery, she wouldn't eat. So they would call me in to go feed her. For whatever reason, Grandmother would not argue with me or be ugly to me like she was to other family. I could say things to her in love that no one else could get away with!

Then when she fell and broke her hip several months ago, she would not go to therapy. So once again, I was called in. It only took me staying with her for one day. She didn't want to go to therapy and I told her she didn't have a choice. God was not done with her, and as long as she was able, she was going to fight back. So she got up went and went to therapy that day, and every day after....she even got well enough to go back home.

Then she got pneumonia and that was the beginning of the end. Yet, she still fought back as much as she could. It has only been the last couple of months that she has been bed ridden. Granddaddy and I had talked on Tuesday that he just couldn't bear the thought of her not knowing him when he went to see her. On Wednesday, he went to see her and said he could not understand what she was saying and she didn't know him. So I went to check on her Thursday. She met Toben for the first time, but really didn't know how he was. She never did remember who I was that day either. You think you are prepared for those things, but I don't think you can truly be prepared for that.

Mom and Dad were out of town taking care of my sister-in-law who had just had surgery to remove her ovaries because she had a pre-cancerous tumor. They are the primary care givers to Grandmother and Granddaddy. SO after phone calls back and forth, I told them I didn't want Granddaddy going to see her by himself on Friday and that I wanted to take him out there. After I picked up the kids from school, we went out to get him and see her.

The Hospice nurse met us out there and explained that she had taken a turn for the worse and she did not expect her to make it through the weekend. She told Granddaddy that Grandmother could hear him and he needed to say everything that he wanted her to know. We all left the room to give them time alone. Callie broke down as Grandmother didn't look much like herself. This was Callie's first experience with death of a family member.

Callie and I went in after Granddaddy. I am pretty sure there was a tear running down her check when I went back in. Callie and I prayed over her and I told her I would be back in a little while. We took Granddaddy to eat and then my uncle met us at Granddaddy's apartment. A Hospice nurse was scheduled to come out at 11 and stay the night with Grandmother as we didn't want her to be alone when she died. It hit me then that she was alone right then, so I said I would go out and stay with her until the nurse got there. John had met us for dinner so he took the kids on home.

When I got back out to Grandmother, I sat on the side of her bed and sang some of the old hymns I remember. I talked to her about the times we had shared. Then I told her it was ok to rest now. She had fought hard and we were all proud of her. I told her she could go be with her mother.

Her mother, Callie (my daugther's name sake) died in child birth when Grandmother was 12. Grandmother talked about her all the time with nothing but love and longing in her eyes! I asked her if I could lay down next to her and go with her! I laughed that she was going to the better place, and I was a little jealous that she was about to meet our Creator!

Then I sat in a chair beside her bed and drifted off to sleep. I know God had to wake me up or I would have slept right through it all. I woke up and just sensed that I needed to go sit by her. So I did. She was breathing the same. But in the next couple of minutes, she started breathing my more shallow. So I called my Dad just to tell him. While we were talking, I was stroking her arm and hair. I watched her chest rise and fall, and the pulse in her neck. Gradually, her chest stopped moving and only her neck would move oh so slightly as she took her last breaths. I was talking to Dad and told him to hold on. I kissed her forehead and she took her last breath. Just like that. Not gasps, no jerking, just a peaceful good bye. I told dad I thought she had quit breathing and wanted to go get a nurse. I called him back in a couple of minutes to tell him she was gone. You think you are prepared, but saying good bye is always hard!

I had never experienced watching someone pass from this life to the next. What a privilege! As I waited for Hospice to get there to take over the arrangements from that point, I just thought about what had just happened. So many emotions! I thougth of my Granddaddy who just lost his partner of 63 years. I thought of Toben who will never know his Grandmother. But mostly, I thought of Jesus. My Grandmother loved Jesus...she knew Him! I could rejoice in her passing because she knew Him. But I immediately thought of people who don't know Him. Why do I not make sure every person I come into contact with knows Jesus? Once that last breath is breathed, it is too late! Why do I not shout it from the roof that they need to know Jesus....then I went from they need to know Jesus for that last breath to there is an urgency that they meet Him because He wants to give them peace in this life here on earth! He needs them to know Him now so that they can live for Him and point others to Him. Oh how important it is that my life point to Jesus!

We will pay honor to my beautiful Grandmother Thursday morning and lay her to rest on Friday. Pray for my Granddaddy! He misses her greatly! I tell him the story above many times! He wants to hear her last moments over and over. I tell him and we cry together! He is precious....and so was she!




The thing I will miss most about Grandmother is the way she would light up when my kids would walk in the room. She loved babies, so Ava was the light of her life the past two years! And Callie and she always had a special bond because of the love they shared for shells and Callie being named after her mother. Grandmother's favorite game with Noah was to tease him that she would hug him! He knew there was no way she could catch him, but he would laugh anyway!

Perspectives.....

I have really been struggling. Really feeling sorry for myself. Really questioning if I needed to continue on some of the paths I am on. I am really ready to be a stay at home mom who has no other responsibilities but her husband, house and children. The work God has me in right now is very stressful. Stressful in ways I have never known. It is hard to work sometimes when the people you work with don't know all the sides of an issue so they make judgements, etc. I take things way too personally! JOhn tells me that all the time. But I really care what people think about my reputation....not about me, like if I am pretty, or if they agree with me, but that I am honest and trustworthy, etc. But I am learning the closer you walk with God and the more He calls you to serve Him, even people that you think understand, will not understand. So that has made me want to walk out on some things. (I will post more about this as I work through it!) But today I had a wake up call....

I went to a reception for a dear friend of mine who is turning 50. She is a powerful woman in Washington DC and works in Sudan, China and South Korea for the persecuted church. She is amazing! When I was at the reception I met a pastor from Eithiopia who now lives here in America. I was talking to my friend's husband on the way out, and he started telling me about this pastor. He was persecuted in Ethiopia for his faith. He has been jailed 21 times, he was hung upside down and poured boiling oil on him, one of the converts with him had his eyes couged (sp?)out. I just stood there. You read stories about people like that....and I have even heard Brother Yun (Heavenly Man) speak in person. But to be standing there in conversation with someone in your every day life who has suffered that kind of persecution made me stop and think! I had just heard this man pray 10 minutes before this not knowing his testimony. Even with out knowing his testimony, he struck me as such a gracious and thankful person! There was not a hint of bitterness toward God or an attitude that God owed him because of what he had suffered. God must really hate my whiny attitude about my life and how hard it is! It really put things in perspecitve, and I had to spend some time on my knees asking for forgiveness and wisdom to overcome my stinky attitude!

Toben quote of the day....

John told Noah and Toben to go put on their pj's. They head to their room and Noah is playfully "encouraging" Toben to move in that direction. Toben turns around, looks at me, and plain as day says (we get major words, but some things definitly get lost in translation...but not this time!), "Noah beat me in the butt!" I tried to not laugh and correct Noah, but just about the time I had myself composed, he said it again! Then I just lost it! He has the most precious voice, and to hear him say that in his sweet voice just pushed my tired brain over the edge to toal rolling in the floor laughter. For those of you with out Liberian children, "beat" means hit! And butt is the main word for your behind! :) We are working on switching to a different word for that anatomy!