Was I in an orphanage?

Noah came into the kitchen today after Toben got in trouble confused in the fact that he was never in an orphanage. He was thinking he had been. I told him that I got him right from the hospital, from his 'nother mother (that is what he calls his birth mom) to my arms, no steps in between! He reached up for me with tears in his eyes. I picked him up and he layed his head on my shoulder and I asked him what was wrong. He said sometimes when people cry (Toben had just been crying because he was in trouble), it makes him miss his 'nother mother. I asked what he missed about her? He didn't know. I tried to explain to him that he never lived with his birth mother. Then he said he missed his brother and sister. I told him he never met them either as they didn't live with his mother. They had been adopted by two other families. He said, "Well, I just miss her." So I told him that was ok and that I was sure she missed him to. I told him we had pictures of her with him when he was a baby if he wanted to see them. He smiled. I told him that we would wait until Daddy came home and then we would look at them if he still wanted to.

I also told him that we used to send her pictures of him. She doesn't come into the mission anymore, so we stopped, but that our friend who helped us find him knows to call me if she ever comes in and wants new pictures. He asked where she lived and I gave him the city. He wanted to know where her house was and I told him I didn't know. That when she had him, she didn't have a house and that was one of the reasons she let us have him. He seemed happy with that and went to play while I finished lunch.

Of course I wanted to fall apart! After those conversations, I always drive myself crazy analyzing everything! Did I say enough, did I say too much? Is he having issues that I am not seeing? Drives me crazy! John just takes it in stride. He always says it bothers me way worse than Noah and the fact that he talked about it and shared it means its ok. I guess that is a good point! If he is comfortable enough sharing those feelings with me, then he will talk about it whenever he needs to.

Adoption is just hard. I always think of the proces as hard, but after that is the easy part. I am learning, it is just hard, period! It is VERY worth it, but it is hard! I wouldn't trade Noah for the world, but there are days I wish he was born to me....that his story is like all the other "normal" kids. That he has sonogram and me pregnant pictures like Callie and Ava. Not because I want him to be different than he is, but because I don't want him to ever feel any bad feelings because he is adopted, but I know that I can't keep that from happening. That is the worst part of being a mommy....not being able to keep my kids from hurting!