A Crisis of Faith: Part One

The Christian cliche for where I am right now is a "crisis of faith". I am a visual person. I have tried in my very limited artistic ability to sketch out what my mind's eye sees right now. It started out as a "Y" in the road, but as I prayed and studied, the Y became a straight line because the two paths I can take are 180 degrees apart!

I have been trying to memorize scripture (always been a challenge for my no memory self!) that relates to the work I do..in adoptions, but also as a Christian. I want specific words from the Bible ready in my mind for the Holy Spirit to bring forth during times just like this! I want the Sword ready for battle in my mind and heart! So one of the versus I have been memorizing and reflecting on a great deal is Romans 8:5-8. "For those who are according the flesh set their minds on things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For the mind set on flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, and those who are in the flesh cannot please God."

I have been in a struggle for several months now. It has been a roller coaster. Some I have spoken of on here, some I have not. One reason I haven't blogged a lot lately is that I don't have clear thoughts. Everything is muddled and cloudy. I can't seem to wrap my mind around what is happening in most areas of my life right now. I can't reconcile all that has occurred with the outcomes I see.

But even through the cloudiness of my mind, the picture of the two roads is clear. One road is flesh, the other is Spirit.

I have several major choices in front of me right now that I have been contemplating. I won't go into the details of them because they are too private for such a public forum. But the choices are clear. I can walk according to God's will (Spirit) or I can walk away from God's will (flesh). I am sealed for the day of redemption by the Holy Spirit (Eph 4:30), so I am not talking about walking away from my salvation here. No matter what road I choose to walk, God will walk with me. No matter which I choose, I will be in heaven at the end (I just don't believe in the gospel that says this is our goal!). However, that same verse (Eph 4:30) that says I am sealed also instructs me not to grieve the Holy Spirit. Taking the flesh path would not only grieve the Holy Spirit, but it would also take me outside of God's covering, His promises. All through Scripture, God gives us promises. However, you can find with most of those promises if you take them in context (and not pull them out as so many love to do) that a condition of those promises is that you are walking "upright" or walking in accordance with His commands. When we chose to deviate from His commands, we leave the protection of those promises. We are saved for eternity from our sin, but we are not saved from the consequences of our sin. When we choose the path of flesh, there are consequences that will be ours.

This brings me back to the place I stand. There will be consequences. But the truth is there will be consequences to taking the path that is Spirit, also! Just as Jesus disciples when He asked them to pray, the Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

And this brings me to my biggest struggle of all!

I think of the scripture that speaks of the great cloud of witnesses. I don't mean to sound cynical, but in the American church, I just don't find a great cloud of witnesses. I can count on both hands the number of people I know personally and intimatly who I see within them a commitment to God and the path that is Spirit that I want to emulate. And those who I do want to emulate are very busy people with the work of God! They have little to no time to mentor people like me who want to emulate them. I don't say this as a put down to these people, I say it as a reality of the fast pace life we live here in America!

So I find myself at this crossroads alone. No counsel available from those whose counsel I would consider righteous and wise, yet TONS of counsel from those who view status quot as God's best and think the path that I believe is Spirit is outrageous and even ludicrous! As I have matured in my walk with Christ...especially over the past 12 years, I have come to learn that the outrageous is probably the God way! We have all heard that saying if it is possible by me alone, than there is no room for God to work a miracle. I believe that to be very true! But the other thing I hear all the time is how hard the Spirit path would be. How I need to look out for my children, etc. So how would these people counsel Abraham who put Isaac on an alter and raised a knife to kill him before God provided the ram? No worries, I am not tying any of my children down right now to sacrifice them! But I just wonder how modern American Christians read the stories of the Bible and yet give the counsel that they do, or criticize John and my desire to live a life sold out to Christ in the area that we know is God's purpose for us. Those who have known me very long know that I am a HUGE Beth Moore fan! She talks continuously about our destiny. God has a destiny for us, but it is our choice whether or not we choose to fulfill it! It is the difference between just finishing the race, squeaking by with my fire insurance in tact and standing before my Creator, my Savior on judgement day and hearing, "Well done my Faithful daughter!"

When I put it that way, the choice seems so easy! Who wouldn't want to stand before God and hear those words???? The problem is between where I stand now and d-day are many days on this earth with the words of well meaning Christians mixed with the voice of the enemy in my mind. The enemy wants so badly for me to take that path of flesh! He is so good at providing really good "evidence" for why I should choose that path. I deserve to be happy. Even if I walk away from God's will, at least it will just be my choices I suffer the consequence of and not the consequence of other's choices that I have to suffer in walking the path God has led me down for some time now. (That was clear as mud, huh?!...maybe later I can try to explain what that sentence meant!) God couldn't possibly want my life to be any harder than it already is...after all, so many people already tell me I do too much and my kids suffer. I can even find some scripture to support those lies...if I take them out of their context in scripture.

Add to that all the "theologies" that I have been taught over the years. I have had the privilege in the many moves we have made as well as the vast people I am blessed to know to be exposed to just about every Christian theology known to man in the 21st Century! It has stretched me and grown me over the past few years! It really amazes me how many versions of "the truth" there is all based on one Book! Many of the differences in these theologies I don't believe are worth debating as they don't have eternal significance....like should we raise our hands in worship or not. On the other hand, there are some very significant differences that I believe can make a HUGE impact in how you run the race here on this earth....like can you fall from grace? And does God intend for us to be happy or holy? And if something is hard does that mean it can't be from God?

As I have pondered which way to turn at my crossroads, many of the snippets from these different theologies have crossed my mind. I believe many of these things have been used by the enemy to confuse my thoughts! I believe he has used many of the things that I have been told are truth from so many of these theologies to allow me to justify the path that is flesh!

Now let me explain "justify". John can tell you as I have wrestled with this, I have said all along that I know turning and walking down the path that is flesh is not God's will! I know that it would be flesh and not spirit! I know that in many ways it would lead to death...Romans 8 is clear about that. However, the truths from these theologies really had my normally black and white brain in quite a gray dilemma.

The past four days have been some of the hardest of my life. Never before in my adult life have I been so unclear on what I needed to do or what direction I should take! It was a new feeling for me...one I didn't like and hope to never experience again!

Even in my foggy state, I always know that The Truth is in the Word. I seek that every morning in a time with God. Hadn't been getting a whole lot of clarity, so I picked up the ipod and took it on my walk with me yesterday morning. Already playing somehow when I put the headphones in was a podcast I had downloaded (and I think already listened to but didn't speak to me then like it did this time!) of Beth Moore called "No Longer Tossed". She spoke on just about all the areas I have just mentioned. She gave scriptures to support her arguments!

One of the things that I had spewed in my wrestling was that so many Christians get away with just status quot..or even the wrong path! Why should I take the hard road when I could live like them? Joy has been hard to come by the past couple of years for me. Yes, I know that is part of my immaturity. I know that is part of what God is doing in me right now...teaching me joy and contentment no matter my circumstances just as He did Paul! But I see people who truly seem to be happy, content and successful by American Christian standards as well as worldly standards that really walk a road of status quot. I have always pushed the envelope for walking a life sold out to Christ...status quo has never been ok for me. But as I have wrestled the past few days/weeks with some important decisions on directions for my life, status quo sounded really good!

Beth said in her pod cast that she doesn't know how so many Christians get away with the way they live....God doesn't leave her alone when she tries status quo! AMEN, SISTER!!!! She also spoke of how American churches are FILLED with Spiritual infants! She goes on to talk about how many leaders intentionally keep them that way...that will be addressed through my experience in a post to come...stay tuned....but as she spoke these things, she talked about how the scripture says in the last days deceptive spirits will teach leaders and Christians. The fog lifted! Praise the Lord!!!! Tears poured down my cheeks as I walked (good thing no one was outside at the time or they would have probably called the cops to come get the crazy lady walking down their street!)! I was undone! I immediately began praying with all my being that God would not allow me to be led astray by deceptive spirits! The choice was clear! The ONLY path to take was the Spirit path! I had allowed the enemy to sneak in and he was about to steal, kill and destroy me and my family along with me! Beth went on to talk about how straight spiritual warfare is cut and dry, but deception is a curve ball! It mixes enough truth with lies that you are not sure if it is truth 0r a lie! Words could not have described better where I was! A doctrine that had been spoken to me just a few weeks ago said that I could just quit and God would take me from this earth. I would love nothing more than to go to heaven NOW! I'm ready! That doctrine encouraged me to give up on all God has called me to do and just tell Him I am finished...take me! I would walk the path of flesh, away from Spirit because I just can't handle the battle anymore. So Jesus would just kill me...take me from this earth! But that is a deceptive Spirit. All was clear again!

Well, maybe not "all"! I still struggle with some of God's promises that I feel have failed as I have walked the Spirit path over the last 12 years. There are many things (like Addy's death, Eden's failed adoption, losing our first baby to a miscarriage, a one year halt on Liberian adoptions, etc) that don't appear in my human eyes to have upheld God's promises. But I also know that God's ways are not my ways! I know that many things He has told me, like it will get worse before it gets better, are coming to pass....and it could just be for me to give up on those promises now and take the flesh path would mean that I quit right before I saw the promise fulfilled! Going back to Abraham...he and Sarah took matters into their own hands to fulfill God's promise of a child because they got tired of waiting and we still see the effects of that in the world today! The Israelites had to wait FORTY YEARS to see their promise fulfilled! My microwave view of faith could have just cost me the opportunity to see the miracles I have been praying for over the past 12 years! But in my clarity now, I know that God will be faithful to those promises! I hope and pray I am not like the faithful in Hebrews 11 who "died in faith, without receiving the promises, but having seen them and having welcomed them from a diestance, and having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on the earth." I pray I get to actually see some of these promises fulfilled and be encouraged by them. But if not, I still owe the One who sent His Son to this earth for me my life! I still owe Him who suffered ridicule even though He lived a perfect life my life! As a sermom recently preached by Stever Murrell at our church said, looking at it from that perspective, walking the Spirit path with no promise of ANY reward is not a radical but simply a reasonable response!

I also know that as I stand at this crisis of faith, the enemy would like nothing more than for me to take a turn to the left, take the flesh path, away from God's will, away from God's promises so that I would possibly forever doubt God's goodness and faithfulness. I would be walking away from my destiny...possibly forever in this life! It would ruin all the plans that God has for my family and for what He has called me to in orphan care. I was willing to accept that. That my friends is a scary thought! Especially now that with a clear mind I think of ALL the Christians my stupid decision would effect! What if someone is watching me to see if I take the flesh or Spirit road and uses my decision to determine what road they should take as I have used the decision of others before me to determine which road I would take? I would be held accountable for my part in their decision! We don't think nearly enough about how our decisions effect all those around us who consider us their great cloud of witnesses! Whoever you are, no matter how young in your faith or how mature, you have someone watching you to see how you handle life! They are watching you to see what faith meets reality really looks like!

What picture are you giving them?

To be continued.....

One last night....

I have one last night before it will all be over! December 26th is my least favorite day of the year! I LOVE the Christmas holiday and all that comes with it...baking, shopping, decorating, family, etc. My favorite childhood memories are of Christmas! I am always a little down after it is all over and the family has gone home.

So I have one more night with all the Christmas lights on, kids asleep and the magic of Christmas still in the air! I am going to make me some hot chocolate, curl up on the couch with a blanket and watch a Hallmark movie!

Dreams Do Come True!

Haven't blogged in awhile...been in quite a fog and haven't had lucid enough thoughts to put them down! Hope this means the end of blogger's block! :)

We have a tradition on my birthday that we take a picture of me with the kiddos! It is about the only pictures I am in since I am usually taking the pictures. So this tradition will help the kids know they had a mom when they look through albums in years to come!

I was posting the one from today (b-day is tomorrow, but we celebrated with my parents today) on facebook, and I was just overcome with emotions...one being gratitude! As I looked at those 4 faces stacked one on top of the other, I realize that so many of my childhood dreams have come true! I wanted a multi-racial family before multi-racial families were much of a reality around me! As I look at the faces of my children, I see God's love for us! He doesn't care about skin color or how we got where we are, He loves us all the same! Just like I do my kids!

I have been attracted to African American children all my life! I have always thought there was no cuter baby on earth than a little African American baby...and now, there is a sweet little face just like that in the faces of my children!

I used to say I wanted 12 kids. Everyone told me I would change my mind after I had my first. I did for about 6 months. But then I was ready to talk about more kids. By the time I got to adulthood, I had said I wanted 4 kids: two boys and two girls! And that is exactly what I have!

Dreams really do come true!!!

Thank you, God, for my precious children! I don't deserve any of them, but You have trusted Them to me for this short time to train them in Your ways! I pray You can repair the damage I do and reclaim the ground I lose with them! Make me the mommy I need to be to teach and train each of them to be the warriors you need them to be for Your Kingdom!

While you praying...

Would you pray for my mom today? She is having to have a second EKG because the first one done as a pre-op screening was a little off. We hear this is common so aren't too alarmed, but are just asking for prayers for a clean bill of health so Mom can have her knee replaced in a couple of weeks and be free of the pain she is in now everytime she walks!

Thanks in advance!!!

Prayers for Liberia ~ Part 2

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord." ~Psalm 27:13-14

"His favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning." ~Psalm 30:5 Praise God!!!!

"Let the lying lips be mute which speak arrogantly against the righteous with pride and contempt." ~Psalm 31:18

"Wait for the Lord and keep His way, and He will exalt you to inherit the land; when the wicked are cut off, you will see it." ~Psalm 37:34

"Since I am afflicted and needy, let the Lord be mindful of me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God." ~Psalm 40:17 This was actually the verse that I prayed over and over as we waited for Toben's visa to be released along with the 7 other children so we coudl bring him home! He did it then, and I believe He is about to do it now for the hundreds of children waiting to come home NOW!

"How blessed is He who considers the helpless; the Lord will deliver him in a day of trouble." Psalm 41:1

Prayers for Liberia

Today I am starting my fasting and praying for Liberia that will last through Saturday. I would love for you to join me! The timing of this is not random. Tomorrow and Saturday will be the dates of an Adoption Symposium in Liberia. Here are some of the people in Liberia who are involved:

Sponsored by: The Foundation for Human Rights (FOHRD)
The Catholic Justice and Peace Commission (JPC) and
The Child Protection Alliance of Liberia (CPAL)

Co-Sponsored by: The Liberia Council of Churches, National Muslim Council of Liberia, Liberia Democratic Institute – (LDI), Female Lawyers Association of Liberia – (AFLL)

In Association with: Adoption Services Providers; Child Advocacy International; National Union of Liberian Orphanages and Children Welfare Institute; Children Assistance Program; Mano River Women Network for Peace; Liberian Girls Guide Association; Boy Scouts of Liberia; Liberia National Student Union; Varsity Christian Fellowship; Christian Health Association of Liberia; Young Men’s Christian Association; Young Women’s Christian Association.

The symposium is a two day interactive round table discussion intended to discuss and dialogue on the Liberian Children’s Bill. Principally, the symposium will aim at ensuring that the evolving Children’s Law serves the best interest of the Liberian child. The event will bring together, legislators, policymakers, child rights advocates, Supreme Court Justices, religious leaders, parents and children services providers mainly for the purpose of: a) critically reviewing the draft children bill; b) providing advice to legislators on the rethinking and rewording of specific aspects of the bill that may not be in the best interest of the Liberian child; and c) adopting concrete action programs that will facilitate the scrupulous implementation of the bill when it is passed into law.

Speakers at the symposium will share insights and experiences as well as address the most pressing challenges facing the Liberian Child. Following the deliberations, participants will convene in group sessions and work out recommendations and suggestions to strengthen the children’s Bill and educate and advice legislators on the thinking of a broad spectrum of the Liberian society regarding the draft bill.

A huge thanks and God Bless goes out to WACSN for coordinating this event! The most exciting thing about this whole deal is that it is the Liberians doing it!!!! That has been my prayer forever! We needed the Liberians carrying the torch on that side with us carrying it on this side, united and working together! That has happened! I am so excited about that!

I have always been transparent on here, so no time to stop now! If you are like me, fasting is still a new spiritual practice! You may not totally understand it. I'm still learning also! It doesn't mean you have to refrain from all food for four days! You can really fast from anything...tv, spending, food, caffeine, sugar, etc. It is just a way to focus on God, a way to deny other cravings and replace them with a desire for God and a relationship with Him.

One of the reasons I haven't posted a lot about Liberia is that God clearly told me to step back. He told me to put my focus on licensing here in Texas and getting everything in order for when adoptions do open in Liberia as well as working toward domestic licensing to work on getting the 600+ kids in Texas legally eligible for adoption into permanent adoptive homes. So I have done that. I fully believe it is one more way God has humbled me. I worked and worked...nothing really happened. I believe there were foundations laid by all of us working in this battle. I believe we can all feel blessed by the par that we played, but God waited until I took a back seat before He really opened up the flood gates of movement! Just a reminder that while I must obey and fight when He says to, the battle belongs to HIM! I am so thankful for Angel Rutledge and her willingness to work with me along with Linda from WACSN and many others in Liberia! Those who decided to put aside differences and the "competition" that so often plagues this type of ministry to work toward a common goal!

Over the past week as the preparations for this symposium have gone on. God has taken me back to scriptures that I have marked in my Bible concerning Liberian and specifically Addy's Hope. Some are dated as far back as 2006. Scriptures that I believe he gave me as promises for the work we do over there and promises for the people of Liberia. Those who know me, know that I have come to love Liberia as much as I do my own country. My heart for the Liberians is ever growing as I learn more and more about their plight and their fears of the future!

So it is with that attitude and humble heart that I will be entering into this time of fasting and praying. I will share with you here the scriptures I will be praying for the people of Liberia and specifically the adoption symposium. If you have other prayers you feel God has laid on your heart, or specific scriptures, please feel free to post them in comments so others can see them and pray them as well! I fully believe this battle will be fought and won in prayer followed by earthly action! The battle for adoption goes way beyond the legalities of Liberia! Satan wants to see it shut down everywhere...it is one of the few things in this world that so clearly shows the love of God in a tangible way to the hurting world!

"For you will spread about to the right and to the left. And your descendants will possess nations and will resettle the desolate cities.' ~Is 54:3

"All your sons will be taught of the Lord; and the well-being of your sons will be great. In righteousness you will be established; you will be far from oppression, fr you will npt fear; and from terror, for it will not come near you. If anyone fiercely assails you, it ill not be from Me. Whoever assails you will fall because of you...no weapon that is formed against you will prosper; and every tongue that accuses you in judgement you will condemn. And their vindication is from Me, "declares the Lord." ~Is 54:13-15

Amen and Amen

In Good Company!

When it comes to attacks and hardships, any of us experienceing conflict because of our beliefs or taking a stand...we are in good company! Listen to this!

"I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. 24Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. 25Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, 26I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own countrymen, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false brothers. 27I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. 28Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches. 29Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?" ~2 Corinthians 11:23b-29

And then my favorite part. Paul is sharing about the thorn in his flesh that keeps him humble. I never really realized that is the context with which he then states: "8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Hallelujah! As Beth Moore's daughter, Melissa, said in one of Beth's recent podcasts, "Bring it on! Bring it on!" The fire will bring refining! Through the insults, hardtimes and difficulties, Christ's power will dwell in me!

Oh how I love my God, my Heavenly Daddy who takes me straight to a scripture like this at 4 in the morning after the week I have had full of so many conflicts! His word is alive and active! He loves me so much that He brought me right to the scripture that He knew would remind me why the fires come....He is completing my perfection until the day of Christ's coming! Is it hard? YES! Do I whine a lot? YES! But do I love that my God is working on me? YES!!!!!

Refine me Lord! The fire is hot, and I am excited! For when I walk out on the other side, I will look more like You than I do today and that is what will bring You glory...my whole purpose for being on this earth! Praise You!

And now, I am going to try and get some sleep! Good night! ;0)

The ironies....

It is 3:08 am...been awake since 2:25...there are a couple of ironies here.
1) I deleted a comment on my post yesterday because the commenter said of my recent post on attacks that self-reflection might be needed in order to discover why I was being attacked. I looked to see who the person was (as the heart behind a comment such as that is pretty important), but the person does not have a public profile. I may very well know the person, but when making such a bold statement to someone who is being transparent, I believe the least you should be willing to share is your identity. I am assuming this person probably didn't mean the comment in quite the negative light that I took it, but after the day I had, deleting it felt good...so I did it! My blog, my prerogative, right? :) The irony is, if this person truly knew me, they would know that self-reflection is my middle name! I almost always (almost is the key word) look at myself first in a situation to see what I need to fix...almost to a fault! That doesn't mean I always fix it, sometimes I have to self reflect many times, but self reflection is a constant thing for me...hence the irony that I am awake at 3 o'clock...guess what I am doing...you got it! Self-reflecting on the day yesterday! :)

2) When overwhelmed with all that needs to be accomplished, I often make the statement, I'll squeeze that in between 2 and 5 in the morning...well, guess what..that's exactly what is occurring tonight!

I'm thinking a nap will be in order tomorrow! :)

Battles and Perspectives

Today is a rough day! This is Toben and Ava's last day at their current Mother's Day out program. They have many friends there and Toben has amazing teachers! Ms. Becca even cried when we told her we were leaving..touched my heart more than she can ever know! As an inter-racial family we get many responses and to have another person love my African son in that manner just makes my heart sing...and then break since I am moving him.

I have agonized and agonized over this decision. About the time I would think I am over reacting and I need to just let it drop, God puts a lesson in my inbox or in another lesson I am listening to about fighting. The post from the Proverbs 31 devotion is one example. Another is a Beth Moore Podcast that I listened to on a recent trip. She stressed over and over that at this time in Western Christianity, we need fighters! Her words were, "We are in desperate need of warriors, not whiners!" Then she repeated over and over, "We have to STEP UP! STEP UP!" A wrong was done at their Mother's Day out program. Two specific children with special needs were discriminated against, one was my daughter. The only choice given to me was to move my child (which I was informed would result in a speedy replacement for their program) or leave my job every time Ava needed her diaper changed. Could I do that? Yes, I could, but should I? I don't think so. Should I remove just Ava and let Toben stay? Why would I leave him in a program that seems to have no concern for children with needs or really in the development of a child. I was very sarcastically asked when the issue was being discussed with the director if I had found any program in Midland that would take a three year old who was not potty trained. In fact, I did! Four out of the five I spoke to did not require her to be potty trained (even without a medical condition) and one of them that did said they would make an allowance for her since she has a medical condition keeping her from being on target currently. And the more research I did, the more I found that no child development professional says that children who are not potty trained by 3 are behind! Most state that children will usually be trained between the ages of 2 and 4.

So am I doing the right thing? I wish I could say without a doubt that I am. I can't. But I do know that God needs more people to step up for what is right! So many of the things that I have had to step in and fight for would not have even occurred if the people before me had fought or even just informed others instead of laying down and taking the easy, less conflict path. Just a few of these are the halt on adoptions in Liberia and the agency we used to adopt Eden and Addy that resulted in a denied visa. Because of these experiences, God has placed with in me a willingness to fight a battle even when I may not see the positive outcome of the results, but those who come after me will. That is why I am doing what I am doing at the school.

The other thing I consider on this tough day is perspective. I was reminded that even my adoptive parents don't understand why I want to fight the Liberian government for the rights of the Liberian children and the oppressed people of Liberia. It's not that they don't know the problems. It is that they see a different perspective than I can see. Because of confidentiality among other things, they cannot know all that I know about the officials that I have been called by God to expose. They see their adoptions. The same is true with me and God.

In this little situation with my children and their school, I just see how it effects my kids. The easier road would be to leave them there. But what I don't see is the bigger picture that God sees. There may be a real reason He needs me to remove my children as a statement that intolerance of children with minor needs should not be tolerated, or a director not communicating expectations to parents is not a good way to run a program. I don't know. But I know that God has impressed on me that laying down and letting this incident go without notice is not ok.

So with a heavy heart that the actions of adults have caused my children heartache, I will pick them up today and take them to their new school on Tuesday.

Oh, AND this afternoon we meet with one of Callie's teachers who continues to refuse to follow policies set by the school or provide Callie with all the materials she needs to complete requirements.

Add on top of that my conviction (only mine...I don't judge those without the conviction and wish those without it wouldn't judge me...) to not participate in Halloween in any way on a day when the little kids are having costume parades, and I am beat up before my day even begins today. Well, that is not accurate! I have just had to use my armor a lot already this morning and have a few arrows stuck in my shield of faith and belt of truth where I fended off the attacks from the enemy saying that I should compromise just this once..its not a big deal to put them in some dress-up clothes...well, that would be true except God says NO! Weary of fighting? Me too!

But if I don't fight for my children, who will? As I put on my face book status when all this was coming to a head...this reminds me of the 143 million children who don't have parents fighting for them! And my heart breaks again!

Hope for the Hopeless!

I need a break....

Fighting for what is right...

I receive the daily devotions from Proverbs 31 Ministry...they are wonderful! I would encourage you to subscribe! Today, the title was, "Raising Children with Moral Courage". I have been accused more than once of being too bold or too outspoken. I'm sure you find that astonishing! ha! But the older I get and the more I work in different circles, the more I am amazed at the lack of backbone I see in people. Few are willing to stick out their necks for what is right, especially if it means that they may receive ridicule for their stand.

The devotion said it this way and points to our children:

Although Jesus calls us to a life of forgiveness and compassion, even He didn't tolerate those who dishonored God's holy temple. With righteous indignation, Jesus turned over tables, and drove out money changers and those who were selling doves within the walls of the temple, accusing them of turning His father's house into "a den of robbers" (Mark 11:17). The Bible records many stories of men and women with moral courage. These individuals knew what was right, and were willing to take a stand in spite of their own fear. They weren't perfect, but the heroes of our faith saw injustice as more than a personal offense, they saw it as an offense against God.As it becomes easier to settle into a life of ambiguity, our children are finding it harder to summon moral outrage. Today a challenge is set before us as parents to raise, and to be, men and women who will stand for what is right. We live in a world that needs the touch of God through the hand of His people. We can't be bystanders and make a difference.As parents we can instill moral courage into our children by stepping out in faith to help someone else, in spite of inherent risks. You see, we can't learn moral courage from a book. We can only learn it by being brave once. Then doing it again.

Let's be brave today! Look for ways today that Christ is asking you to take a stand for the less fortunate or the bullied...as I saw the news story this morning of the 15 year old who was set on fire by his classmates, I realize that the world our children are growing up in is nothing like the world I grew up in, and they are going to need so much more courage than even we do to take a stand! So let's now wait another day to model this courage before our children!

Friends....

We are reading through Proverbs as a church. Part of the reading today was Proverbs 27:9, "Oil and perfume make the heart glad, so a mans' counsel is sweet to his friend." I am a margin writer! I have writing all in my Bible! In fact I bought a wide margin Bible to make sure I would have room for all my thoughts! It is just how I process....but sometimes those notes bring pain. Like this morning. Beside this verse about sweet counsel of a friend, I have written, "Makes me think of _____." That blank is filled with the name of a friend who was my mentor and spiritual mentor for four years. Her friendship and advice in my life was vital to the growth I received during that time. She kept my feet to the fire and wouldn't let me stray from the narrow path. I have many times credited her with saving my marriage because no excuse was good enough to quit working on my marriage! And I will forever be grateful for the role she played in that part of my life.



But one day this friend betrayed my confidence in a BIG way. I was shocked. There are people you think will never hurt you in that way. She was one of those people. Her reason for betraying it was to "protect" a pastor...nothing like being thrown under the bus to protect the one who is supposed to be "shepherding" ie: protecting you!



But the betrayal of trust isn't even the deepest wound. As a person who used to have NO mercy or grace for things like this, I extended incredible grace and mercy to this friend. I couldn't trust her anymore with my deepest darkest secrets as I had in the past, but I told her that one mistake didn't erase the years of knowing that she is a Godly woman with incredible wisdom! I wanted to maintain a friendship with her....it would look different, but she had meant so much to me for so long, I was not willing to walk away from it all together.



She obviously felt differently as I have only received a couple of e-mails from her since that time and the last one I sent to her went unanswered.



As we have moved to a new church and are healing from the wounds of the past, I am finding it harder than I thought. I have always been one to seek out relationships and build friendships. But after going through what we did at our old church coupled with coming out of a very dark time in my life, I am finding it hard to take the steps necessary for friendships. I dread being somewhere that I know will require talking to people..sharing my story. As I told one friend, after 35 years, my story is really long! I don't want to have to explain to any more people why I am where I am! I don't want to have to fill them in on the events of the past several years that have brought growth and left scars. Because what if I do share all that, and then they share with someone else. ...or worse, I share all that and then they walk away!



If you keep reading in Proverbs 27, verse 17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, so does one man sharpen another." And that is why I know no matter how much it hurts, no matter how uncomfortable or how much resistance I feel, I must build relationships!



We were not made to walk this Christian journey alone! That is why God calls us to fellowship! We need those around us who can be Jesus with skin on! We need people to carry us when we can't take another step. That is probably the part that scares me the most! I have just come out of a time where I couldn't hardly carry myself much less anyone else! The thought of failing anyone else the way I have failed many friends through this time hurts my heart. But the enemy would like nothing more than to keep me in isolation....to believe those thoughts of, "It's better just to be alone...then no one expects anything of you and you don't have to share your story with anyone." If I am alone, just like a deer falling to the back of the group, I am easier to attack and take down.



So with that knowledge, I press forward! God has put some amazing people in John and my life. People who just seem like friends from the start..natural relationships that don't really have to be "worked at". They haven't all gone beyond surface yet, but they will. God has placed us in an amazing Body of His that shares our heart for people and wants to further God's kingdom. It is not perfect since it is made up of people like me. But it is perfect for us and I look forward to new friends who can walk this journey with me and I with them!

A Vessel for the Smith

I think I found the scripture that sums up my really long post about being undone and redone:

Proverbs 25:14 ~ "Take away the dross from the sliver, and there comes out a vessel for the smith."

God, thank you for removing the built up dross from my heart and soul! Thank you for never giving up on me no matter how many times you have to tell me or teach me! Thank you for promising to complete the work you stated in me until the day Jesus returns! Thank you that you will continue to remove even more dross from my gunked up heart and soul in the days and years to come...even during the times I plead with you to stop...because You know what is best for me and only You know what the future holds! I thank you for this process Lord because my one desire in this life is to be a vessel for you, the Smith! Form me and make me into what you need me to be for Your work! ~Amen

Prejudice Mandated

In Esther by Beth Moore, she states, "The palace inflicted a prejudice on the population that most didn't originally - or perhaps ever - share. The enemies of the Jews in Esther were a small group in leadership."

And so it is in Liberia with adoption! God have your way with the officials of Liberia that are blocking what the public desires and deceiving many in high places of leadership in Liberia to inflict their prejudices on an entire nation!

Introducing.....

Bo!

This is the newest member of the P-tree family! Several weeks ago, I was having major nesting and nurturing issues. The nesting thing is actually great! Gets closets cleaned out and me organized! That is always a good thing. However, that nurture thing...well, it can get me in trouble!

Callie had been looking at puppies on the internet for weeks. We had been to the pound several times, but didn't really find what we were looking for. But one weekend when Callie and Noah had a sleep over, John, me and the little ones went to the pound just to see what was there with out really emotionally attached children with us.

When we walked in the door, there was this cutest black ball of fur! He was headed out with another family, but they said they didn't neceserily want him, but didn't want him to be put down. So we agreed to take him! So he is our wonderful pound puppy! Everyone we have talked to thinks he is 1/2 Shit-Zu and 1/2 poodle. He is so much fun! He was about 10 weeks old when we got him. He has been the best puppy! He loves to cuddle and snuggle. He would rather be with me than the other animals (something that is not true of my other high dollar pooch!).

He has been so much fun...and like all our pets, he has been great with our kids! He is even catching on to potty training pretty well.

John named him. He wanted to make sure it went with "Bella", the name of our other dog. He wanted to name him Bob, but that is his dad's name, and I knew that I would be the one blamed for that! Hee!Hee! So I refused. So Bo it is! And it just fits!!!

Undone and Redone

This post has been rolling around in my head for a few weeks, maybe even months. Frankly, I haven't had the time to sit down and process it enough to write it. But since I am at home with a sick little boy and missing church, I figured this was a good time to sit and process and write!

I have been undone by God many times since I came to know Him as my Savior 25 years ago. Wow, that just made me feel old! There are times when He was stretching me so far I just knew I would pop! But right before that moment where I could take no more, something would give.
I have been in one of those times for almost three years! Every time I think the "give" is coming, something else pops up and stretches me even further. Frankly, I am tired. I am weary, but giving up isn't an option...so I have spent a lot of time pondering and contemplating!

But this being undone is different! It is stretching, it is growing, it is learning more about who God is and who I am in Him, but it is also creating a brand new me! More than just my mind is being transformed by the renewing of His Word.

I can just feel God totally undoing me and then redoing me again. It is like he is taking me apart piece, by piece and putting me back together the way He needs me to be in order to operate the way He needs me to in His kingdom. The down side of this painful process is that I know no matter how much He does to me right now, I will still need to grow and stretch as I will never reach full maturity this side of heaven. But the really big up side of this is that I am learning to be who He called me to be and learning to do what He has called me to do with joy!
I am not there yet! But it is like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is not an on-coming train this time!

I have struggled as you know if you have read my blog for long with what God has called me to do over the last 8 years and the outcomes that have come from my obedience. I have subscribed to what I call the "American" Christianity where I think if I obey, then somehow God owes me a good outcome, or at least one that rewards me just a bit for my obedience. The problem with that thinking is that it is totally unscriptural. I could go on and on about that, but I will leave it at show me more than a handful of Bible stories that have a happy ending this side of heaven? The words used in Hebrews 11 when referring to the hall of fame for faith walkers are: mockings, scourging, chains, imprisonment, stoned, sawn in two, tempted, put to death with the sword, destitute, afflicted, ill-treated, did not receive what was promised. Does that sound like happy endings? Does that sound like something you would sign up for? Not me! But the last verse in Hebrews 11 says, "because God has provided something better for us, so that apart from us they would not be made perfect." Ah, there is the key!

I have talked before about head knowledge versus heart knowledge. Well, this truth in Hebrews 11:40 is starting to become heart knowledge! I have walked this out in my own life now. I have not been stoned or sawn in two, but frankly after some of the hell Christians have put me through over the past 8 years, and specifically the last year, being stoned to death sounds like a vacation! But through these experiences, I have learned "God has provided something better for us"!

There are several MAJOR walks I have taken with Jesus that were in direct obedience to Him and only caused me and those I love pain and suffering. Some are too private to discuss on this public forum, but some I have talked openly about. Two of those are adopting Eden and Addy and obeying God to open and operate Addy's Hope.

The pain caused by these walks have lead me at times to want to turn my back on God. You have been a part of a few of those times through my honest and transparent posts. I couldn't understand how a loving, righteous and caring God could allow some of the circumstances that I found myself in after walking in obedience. But just like the Hebrews 11 passage eludes, circumstances do not dictate our reality!

So over the past few weeks, I have heard what I believe is the answer God has been forming in me through all these tough times. I have been looking for a miracle in all these areas! Faith has never been hard for me...Addy died: that hurt, but I knew God would use it some way for good; Eden's adoption failed: after I came back from walking away from God, I knew there were vital lessons learned about God in that journey and the work he was doing in me was way more important than the outcome of the adoption (still working through that one totally even 4 years later); adoptive parents ridiculing because I take a stand for ethics and legal activity: God taught me that I am to please Him not man; and the list goes on. Faith to take the journey was never a problem, but accepting the outcome, whatever it is, has been! In each of these, I just wanted God to "poof" something and make my little world happy again. But I am learning that while God can work that way, He usually works a work in His people instead.

What have I heard God say in the past few weeks? It is this: You are looking for a miracle that makes your work/life easier or lighter. But what I want for you is to provide the miracle of equipping you to do the work I have called you to and fulfill the purposes that I placed you here for this time and in this place. And to do it no mighter how heavy the load with JOY!

Let that soak in! I've been trying to let that soak in for about three weeks now! I had told John that I thought God was telling me that, and then the very first video session of the Beth Moore study, "Esther", that I am doing had her quoting the exact same thing! Coincidence? I don't believe in coincidence in God's kingdom! He was using Ms. Moore to re-enforce what He is trying desperately to get through my thick skull!

You might not think believing God will equip me is such a big deal! But if you could get inside my head and see the thoughts that cross my monitor in there and are played on the radio of my inner mind (I know that thought just caused many of you to shudder!), you would know the magnitude and the truly miraculous work it will take for God to do just that! For me to walk forward in JOY in what He has called me to will take God convincing me I can do it and it will be fun while I do! You see the thoughts and sounds I hear in my head say, "it is too much!", "others aren't called to do this much, so you need to give something up", "you will never accomplish all that is on your plate", "you are being a horrible mother because of the time the agency takes from you", "you are all those things people who don't know you say you are and those nice things people who know you say are just because they only know part of you. If they knew all of you, they wouldn't say those things!" And the list goes on and on.

The miracle God is doing in me is to silence those voices! It is to get up and act on my reality instead of sitting and pondering my circumstances! Circumstances say it is too hard and I will never get it done....and so do some people in my life. But reality is I am a daughter of a King! I am a Princess with all the kingdoms assets and talents at my disposal! I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me! (Phil 4:13) He provides in abundance all we need to do His work! (2 Cor 9:8)

Now isn't that exciting? You know what makes me most excited about that? It's not just true for me! It is true for each and every one of you who have committed your life to Christ and made Him Lord! What if we all quit listening to the voices in our heads that are not aligned with scripture? What an impact we would have on this world for Christ!

So next time that thought passes by the monitor of your mind, do a search! Does it align with scripture? If it does, hit the save button before you lose it! If it doesn't delete it and empty it from your recycle bin so that it doesn't take root and cause you to believe a lie!
Thanks for walking this journey with me! I think it is about to get really exciting! Stay tuned...and share the ways God has undone and redone you! It will be an encouragement to us all to hear your testimonies!

DId you hear the shouts??!!!

It is sent! The application and policies and procedures have been sent! I am pretty sure no matter where you live you could have heard the shouts when I clicked the "send" button! I found the paper where I attended my original informational meeting with Texas licensing for child placing agencies. It was October 2004! So four years later, a dream is coming true!

When we started Addy's Hope, Texas would not license internationally only agencies. We started talking to licensing again in 2007, but again they were not sure what to do with international only. Now, we are finally there! In 90 days either our doors will shut or a dream will come true! And considering the battles that have hit us over the past two weeks, I believe God is doing something big and a dream and fulfillment of God's plan for me will be fulfilled! I cannot even tell you the feelings running through me right now!

Along with that letter from my October 2004 meetings, I found the plane reservations for the trip to Austin where the meeting was. It reminded me of what God has done! Let me just share with you the testimony of what God can do!

You see, I went from teacher to stay at home mom, and now I had to attend a professional meeting! I was scared to death! I had absolutely no confidence in myself to even go to the meeting and represent Addy's Hope well. Now comes the funny part! I made the plane reservation on line for my trip. I was so proud of myself! I had signed up for the meeting, and I was on my way! I got in bed relishing in all that I had accomplished. As I was talking to John I said something like, "I arrive in Houston at 9:00..." As soon as it was out of my mouth I realized what I had done! That ticket I was so proud of myself for booking was to Houston, and the meeting was in Austin! So any self confidence I might have had down in my little toe, ran plum out right then! I was able to get the ticket switched and was on my way to Austin.

I still struggle with believing I can do this...so writing 80 pages of policies and procedures totally on my own truly is a miracle!! I am so excited! Not just because I have finished the policies and procedures, but if God can take me where he has over the past 5 years, what will the next five bring?

As I have battled over the past two years with my calling in adoption and specifically the fierce battle in Liberia, I have so many times asked why God hasn't done something. Why did He not move the hearts of men to open adoptions yet? Why did He not silence all the people who have struck me with their words? Why would he not wait to call me to this until after all my children are grown or at least all in school? Over the past 6 weeks, I have heard God tell me over and over again, "The miracle I want to perform is to equip you to do all that I have called you to." That may not sound like much of a miracle, but if you knew how ill equipped I feel to do any of what God has called me to, you would understand! All I have begged for is for God to let me out...to let me take an easier road. When I was on my face at the end of myself, I know He said, "Now, let me carry you! Let me show you just what I can do through you since I have you out of the way!" Ever since that day, He has amazed me! Things that I told John over and over that he would have to do because I couldn't (like write policies) I have now accomplished; and I know it is only because God has equipped me in His own miraculous way! And even better than that is all that I have done since allowing Him to work in me and no longer asking to be let out or begging for a miracle to make it easier, I have done with JOY! I LOVED writing the policies! The time crunches were a little difficult at times, but the actual act of writing them was enjoyable to me!

So I believe I have witnessed a miracle in completing the policies and procedures. To God be the glory!!! Can't wait to see what He does next!

Quotes that Speak

I am reading several books right now, and I love quotes that stand out. So I will share some with you guys!

"I'm not sure we're ever in a more uncomfortable predicament than when we discern evil in someone who other people esteem. At no time should we be more prayerful or careful to search our own sin-driven souls." ~Beth Moore in Esther

"Commit your works to the Lord and your plans will be established." ~ Solomon in Proverbs 16

"The way of the wicked is an abomination to the Lord, But He loves one who pursues righteousness." ~ Solomon in Proverbs 15

"The enemy goes after the defenseless when the strong are weak." ~ Beth Moore in Esther video session two

"He who walks in integrity walks securely, but he who perverts his ways will be found out." ~ Solomon in Proverbs 10

"You will never be more prone to attack than when God pulls you out of where you are and puts you on a wilderness road to where you are going, but you are not there yet." ~ Beth Moore Esther video session two

"Life in the Spirit is like riding a bicycle - balance is everything. One can fall off on either side...If we ran out of gas on the way to a conference, "the devil didn't want us to get there." I've since come to realize that if you don't pay attention to the fuel gauge, you're not under attack, you're underinteligent." ~ Guy Chevereau in Spiritual Warfare: Sideways

"You will be victorious when you are fighting an enemy of God!" ~ Beth Moore Esther video session two

"When we're afraid, we don't just forfeit our peace and well-being; we ultimately give the devil the attention he seeks. Our 'afraidness' is the corrupt, distorted worship he craves." ~Guy Chevereau in Spiritual Warfare: Sideways

"There is nothing meaner than a coward - they won't fight face to face." ~ Beth Moore Esther video session two

"Holiness is not the luxury of the few. It is a simple duty for you and for me. If there are poor in the world it is because you and I don't give enough." ~Mother Teresa

"Do not be afraid of sudden fear nor of the onslaught of the wicked when it comes; for the Lord will be your confidence and ill keep your foot from being caught." ~ Solomon in Proverbs 3

"Humans can gossip like frogs eat flies." ~ Beth Moore in Esther

"Satan has a theory that he's banked his entire accuser's career on: Even the strong grow weak. True enough, but this, Beloved One, is also true: Even the weak grow strong if they set their minds to it." ~ Beth Moore in Esther

PRAISE GOD!!!!

I want to thank every one for their prayers! Received the news today that Ava's MRI results were normal! Praise God! We are waiting to hear what the next step is! We think this is the end of tests, and she will be diagnosed as having mild muscular dystrophy...but shhhhh!!! Don't tell Ava! Those of you who know me, know how much I HATE labels! She will be whoever God made her to be...we don't need any labels to add or distract from that! Nothing we can do as far as treatment for the illness goes, so we just go on as if no one ever told us! :)

With that, I will try (blogger and I don't do videos very well!) to leave you with a video of our little ballerina! (I'm not such a great videographer, so it will turn upright here in just a minute!)

I'm a slow learner....

Ever have one of those times that you have a general feeling that God is calling you to do something. It's something that you wouldn't mind doing, but the timing stinks! In fact, the timing is so bad that you really have to doubt if it is God. I mean really, now? He couldn't be telling me now! That would put me in WAY over my head, God!

I am having one of those times! Every day this "thing" pops up in one way or another! Last night it was in a book that I was reading about Mother Teresa. Today, it was in a conversation with one of the other vendors in the craft show I was in.

But the timing can't be worse. If John and I talked to any of our friends about this, I am sure they would agree. But yet, every time we run, or think there is no way this is the path for us, "it" comes back! If I think about Bible stories, I have no way to weasel out of this "thing" with any of the issues in our lives right now. I have a feeling this is going to come down to an Abraham/Isaac experience: Am I going to lay my life in the alter like Abraham did Isaac and obey God trusting Him in faith to work it all out, or am I going to run the other direction and believe what the world, and even a lot of Christians would say: God wouldn't ask you to do that right now with all you have going on.

Time will tell! God knows my heart's desire is to obey Him and glorify Him in my life. So John and I will keep praying and seeking wisdom for this area! Stay tuned...... :)

Heck of a week!

So after Ava's MRI on Monday, we went to Crane to be with family because John's Aunt Linda passed away. While we were there, Noah tripped over Toben and broke his right arm...two bones, totally bowed....went to the Crane ER..made John promise me to NEVER take me there if I am really sick!

Friday we put our second child under anesthesia in one week...doc was able to set it without cutting it open. Thank You, Jesus! So now we are in a cast and have to go have it checked next week.

In case you are counting that is three broken arms in the P-tree family in about 8 months..Ava, Callie and now Noah. I'm pretty well done with broken arms! The orthopedic doctor should NOT be programmed into your phone!

MRI Over

We are home from Ava's MRI. All went well, Thank you Jesus!!! Doctor's were very impressed with how well she did. I didn't get to go back with her like I said I would before they put her totally under, but she didn't cry when they took her, so that helped me! They were very good with her! The doctor that took her back has 6 children. He had lots of practice with kids!

When she started coming out of the anesthesia, she was very disoriented and more than agitated! She wanted me to hold her, but she wouldn't be still. She was very angry that we would not take the IV out RIGHT NOW! But she calmed down the more she came out of it. They say this is normal for kids coming out of anesthesia. Since we have never had a child who has had medical procedures, this is all new!

They say it will take about a week to have the results. I am really not concerned about the results as God has given me perfect peace! If they show something we aren't expecting, He will take care of it! Now that the sedation is over, all anxiousness is gone!

We had asked her if she wanted McDonald's or doughnuts since she wasn't able to eat or drink this morning. She said doughnuts. But the second we walked out of the MRI lab, she smelled the popcorn that the pink ladies sell, and she said she wanted popcorn. We stopped to get a coke and she was as happy as can be with her popcorn and coke! They also gave her a bear in scrubs complete with mask and hat!

Now she and John are headed to Crane to be with family as John lost his aunt this weekend. Aunt Linda was more than "just an aunt" to John as she helped take care of him and his brother when his dad was being treated for cancer when they were little boys. Aunt Linda will be severely missed by all of us!

The rest of the kids and I will follow to Crane after they get out of school.

This is a busy week....lots of major things happening...God will most definitely have to carry me...but He is so good at that! :)

Ava's MRI

Had Ava's sedation appointment this morning. I didn't get nervous until they started talking about her being totally under-then got a little nervous! I am more fearful of the sedation than of the MRI results! But as God has taught me through this crazy journey of mothering He has taken me on, He loves my children more than I ever could and they are really His kids on loan to me to love and nurture and train in His ways! So Ava is safe in His hands! What peace that brings!

1/4 of the way there!

I posted this on June 20, 2008
When I lose my weight, I am going to pierce my nose! Why you ask? See post below! When I lose 100 pounds, it will mean that God has taken his rightful place on the throne of my heart....food will be forever overthrown! It will be an outward symbol of an inward commitment, a change from the inside out! Just like I wear my wedding ring to show I am committed to John, the nose stud will be to show that God owns my heart, I am fully committed to Him and have conquered my addiction to food! It will be extreme! :) I have been called a prude many times! So for me to show up with a nose piercing will be a shock to many (My parents being among the biggest, I am sure), but I can't wait to get it done! When it is done, I will know I have won the battle! God will be the ruler of my heart and food will be in submission! What a day that will be! :)

Over a year later, I am 1/4 of the way there! There has been a LOT of yo-yoing in that year, but I feel God breaking the grip food has on me, and I am excited! Actually, I am excited about a lot of things in life right now! I am finally learning to listen to that still small voice instead of all the other voices shouting at me in this world! And it is amazing the Wisdom in that still small voice! :)

I love it when He does that!

I love it when God encourages and speaks to me in my morning time with Him in such a real and tangible way! It is like he is sitting right next to me drinking His cup of coffee and looking over my shoulder saying, "That one right there! That is the verse you need to apply to that situation! That is what I have to say about that! Go back, read that again!" What a personal Savior we serve! Do you know Him? Have you walked away from Him? Go back!!!! No matter where you are in life, He wants to sit and have coffee with you! Not to criticize or to point out your sin, but to love and encourage you just like He did me this morning!

As I mentioned in my last post, there are some, the number seems to be growing, who are literally out to destroy me - Addy's Hope as an organization and me personally. Two years ago, they would be successful in their attempts that they have done, but today, I know where my identity is, and it is NOT in them! :)

But even more than just "sticks and stones may break my bones" thinking, God showed me in His word this morning what He thinks about what these people are doing who call themselves His children. See the work I am doing with Addy's Hope is NOT mine! It is God's! I am just the fortunate vessel that gets to be used to see God's hand at work! So when they attack, they attack God, not me.

Whether they call licensing, whether someone accuses me of child trafficking (that was from January 2008 and nearly did destroy me!), whether they question my motives, whether they look at our finances, whatever they want to call attention to, God showed me this morning what He thinks of that.

John 3: 20 "For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But he who practices the truth comes to the Light, so that his deeds may be manifested as having been wrought in God."

If you investigate our past, my past (whether that applies to personal life or Addy's Hope) you will find mistakes! You will find things that should have been done differently. I am not perfect! This is especially true in the early years of Addy's Hope. Did we do anything illegal, no. Did we do things perfectly, no! I have always said we are a perfect example of God taking the totally ignorant and equipping them! When we started Addy's Hope 5 years ago, we didn't have a clue what we were doing! Not a clue! All we knew was God said, "GO!" and we said, "YES!" We were totally reliant on God for each step of the way. Sometimes we took a wrong turn and didn't do things the best way. But we have always sought to do things God's way! And that is what this verse is about!

Those who want to hurl accusations and attacks, bring it on! Because according to John 3:21, when you practice truth, your deeds will be manifested as having been wrought in God! I LOVE IT! We have always walked in truth! So come investigate! Tear our work apart! I have no fear of light, exposure, investigations (John 3:20) because I have NO fear of my deeds being exposed because I have always done my best to walk according to the Light! You will find mistakes as we are not perfect, but you will find no deeds deserving of the attacks these are launching.

I understand these people are bitter because they didn't get their child! I understand those feelings! Been there! Done that! Got the scars! Got the debt (that is a post for another time!)! But when we lost Eden due to true negligence and deceit we were very careful to walk in the Light then as well! We didn't publicly in anyway demoralize the organization and especially not the person! When asked about our adoption, we told the truth! We looked into what could be done to hold the agency accountable (not much!) and did those things. When asked what agency we used, we told. But we were very careful to handle it in the way we felt God would be honored and approve. So I know that even in the pain felt by these people hurling the insults, there is a higher road to take! I've walked it!

I know God has done a great work in my heart! When Eden's adoption failed 4 years ago, I had to work at not being bitter and forgiving those who caused me the pain. But today, well, I don't have to work at it. Is there anger, a little, at times. Mainly when I am already down and satan uses that as a jab! (which goes along with John 3:19 that says these works are evil....satan uses evil works to discourage the work of Jesus among His people...plus the main ones right now are doing everything "anonymously" which is NOT walkign in the Light! In the Light, all is exposed, most certainly your identity) But more than any other feeling is sorrow. Sorrow that people who claim to walk according to the Light would participate in such dark actions. People who claim to be children of God would act in such a manner only shows that they have no clue about the cross and the Savior they say they accepted as Lord. Sorrow that they walk in such bitterness instead of the joy that is supposed to be ours as Christ Followers.

So today as I go to work...a job that will not bring a paycheck this month because Addy's Hope is broke...I thank God that my work in Addy's Hope...even in the criticisms...has brought Proverbs 4:13-15 to life for me: "How blessed is the man who finds wisdom and the man who gains understanding. For her profit is better than the profit of silver and her gain better than fine gold. She is more precious than jewels; and nothing you desire compares with her."

We haven't gotten rich off Addy's Hope. In fact, just recently we have gone into debt a great deal because of it. But I have gained more wisdom and understanding of God's word and His truths than I could have ever imagined! And that my friends is a jewel that nothing I desire compares with!

Praying you have a day full of God's Light and Truth that encourages you to keep walking in Him as it has me today! Be blessed!

It aint easy!

Yesterday when I shared with a friend what I was doing, she responded with something like, "Man those arrows keep coming at you, don't they?" Yes, they do! But I am hoping my attitude about those arrows is a little better than it has been in the recent past. Let me explain.

Today's lesson in A Call to Die is "The Risk of Grace". Nasser says: "Far too many of us are content with being comfortable in our faith. As long as Jesus doesn't ask too much of us, as long as we get enough good feelings, as long as it's fun to be a Christian, as long as nobody turns up their nose at us when they find out we believe, we hang in there. But that perspective is phony Christianity. It's not the real thing." Man can I relate! As I am sure you can too!

Nasser goes on to talk about Moses. God has used this man to encourage and spur me on in the battle in Liberia for almost two years. From the beginning, the people that Moses was trying to free turned on him. They were choosing slavery over freedom because it was hard. Pharaoh laughed at him that such a common man would even try to tell the most powerful king what to do. I don't need anybody laughing at me, I feel that way on my own about my government work.

I have said for some time now that the hardest part of my job is not the governments, but the people that I serve who are adopting. Not all of them! God has sent me some amazing families who are dear friends because of the journey we have taken on this crazy roller coaster. When you deal with something as personal as people's children, emotions run high! My black and white world has been rocked with the view of many Christians that believe in an adoption at all costs mentality! My stance for ethical and legal adoptions has turned some families away.

Yesterday we had a meeting with our licensing agent for Texas Child Placing Agencies. We have been in communication with licensing since we started in October 2005. At that time they would not even discuss licensing with us because we were a international only agency. But we have stayed in contact with them. Over the past two years as Hague has been implemented and new regulations gone into place, we have been in constant communication to insure that we were doing what we needed to in order to be in compliance. We need the money to pay the salary of a CPA Administrator in order to be licensed. That is the only thing we need. Well, that and a person who fits the qualifications that is willing to take a risk with us! And just finding someone who meets the qualifications has been an insurmountable task! But we have never quit looking or working toward licensing, and our amazing licensing rep, Becky, knows that.


The meeting yesterday was because "someone" (its confidential) filed a report on us. As I told John, I don't want to know who it is because as long as it's just "a report" I don't hold as much resentment. If I knew "the person" it would be much more personal to me and would be harder to work through - like Moses and the Israelites! But from the beginning when Becky called and said she needed to come meet with us, I had peace! Now, if you know me, you know that is a God thing! I am a rule follower to the max! So the prospect of possibly getting in trouble with the state would send me over the edge, but it didn't! And THAT folks is the reason why I am such a stickler about how we operate in adoptions! If you do everything to the best of your ability and don't allow illegal or unethical activities, then you don't have to be afraid of state visits!

John and I were determined from the beginning to turn what someone meant for evil into something good for God. And He has! We were able to talk with Becky about CPA Administrators (anyone know someone with a masters in TX who has experience with any type of child placing agency or emergency shelter, etc???? that needs some extra money for a contractual position??!!!). We also talked about the need here in Texas and what we could do to help the overloaded system. Our region still is short on foster families and have to send kids to other parts of TX because we don't have enough foster families. On top of that, I would venture to say that a high percentage of the foster families we do have are in it for the wrong reasons. Texas children need help and Becky shared with us how we can do that once we have our CPA Admin! She also said we do NOT have to have a fence around our pool as long as we have locked gates on our backyard and a lock and alarm on our backdoor! That means we could be licensed for foster/adoption! But I still wonder if I (or the kids) could handle a baby leaving us. Is this the right time? But definitely nice to know that one more obstacle has been removed!

As I read again about Moses and the people he was called to free, I was reminded that they didn't thank him or tell him "good job". They grumbled and told him they wanted to go back to captivity. That was the thanks Moses received. I feel like Moses many days! And like Moses, I have to run back to Who called me to this to ask for help and get my satisfaction and worth. I don't consider myself a people pleaser, but at the same time, I am very aware of how people see me because I believe as a Christian, we need to be. We are to be a light to the world and a light in the darkness. But being a light doesn't mean letting people walk all over you "in the name of Jesus" or allow those who disagree with you to derail you from your path.

I am learning many lessons through this season of my life. I pray I keep them as I don't want to revisit any of them! :)

A Call to Die - Day 14

Today's title was "Too Full to Eat?" Wasn't sure what type of lesson that would be! Had me a little perplexed, but within the first paragraph, I knew that this lesson was just for me right now!

What Nasser is getting at is that we have two tables to which we can pull up our chair and feast: God's and the world. If we fill up on the world before coming to God's table, then we are too full to eat the good "food" that God provides. And likewise, if we fill up at God's table, then we are too full to eat the junk offered by the world.

Anyone who has known me for any amount of time knows that I openly share my food addiction. My early years were filled with excuses as to why I am overweight. I would blame a medical condition or that I "just can't lose weight". But the truth of the matter is, I eat more than I consume or I wouldn't be overweight. But even with that realization and facing that truth head on for the past five or so years, I still battle my food addiction.

That is why during this 40 days of A Call to Die, I am doing the modified Daniel Fast. I need to break the hold food has on me. I need to learn to eat at the banquet table of God first!

I LOVE how God teaches so many spiritual truths to me in my physical world so I can really understand what He wants from me. As I read today's lesson, I knew that so many times I fill up on the "world" and that leaves me empty, but not hungry. Leaves me dissatisfied, but full so that I don't look to God for the water that will make me never thirst again or the food that will fill me so I will never be hungry.

I related it to the fast...since I am fasting from sugar, my taste buds have changed. Where grapes of an apple usually just seem like a healthy snack, now they meet the need of a sweet tooth! They taste so much sweeter now than when my mouth is used to eating all that sugar. Sugar waters down the natural sweetness of the fruit. Yesterday I made a cake to take to our small group. I had a really bad sweet tooth yesterday. But instead of taking in all the sugar in a cake or brownie, I picked up an oat bar that had only fruit and cane juice to sweeten it. Was it as sweet as the cake would have been? No where close! In fact, the kids don't like it at all because it tastes bland to them! But to me who is 20 days into no sugar, (yes I'm on day 14, but day 20 of the fast as I didn't do some lessons on the days I was sick...so numbers will be off!) that oat bar satisfied.

The same is true of God's Word! When I eat the junk of the world, it waters down the sweetness of God. Yes, food really does provide for me an immediate comfort, an immediate satisfaction. That is true. However, as soon as that last bite leaves my mouth, I want more and feel emptier than when I first ate! But God's Truth leaves me satisfied for the long haul! It may not provide an immediate satisfaction as I have to ponder it, memorize it, meditate on it, and often even sit and listen time and time again before God reveals to me all He wants to about a morsel from His Word. But in the long run, in the bigger pictures, it is so much more satisfying that anything this world has to offer me!

Yet, I still find myself "elbowing" as Nasser says my way into the world to make sure I get my "share" of what it has to offer instead of walking right past that table to sit with my Heavenly Father at His feast and drinking in all He is and wants for me. I plan to change that practice! I want God's food! I don't want the junk this world has to offer. The few times in my life that I have chosen to bypass the world to sit with God at His table, I have found that I am viewed as a "radical", a "Jesus Freak". That would make me pull back and reevaluate myself. Not that I mind being a "Jesus Freak" or a "radical", but these comments when made by other Christians have made me think I was going too far in my views. But what God is teaching me is that in this world, a world that has feasted way to long on the food the enemy pours into us, even most Christians don't know the sweetness of His RADICAL Truth! Therefore, the only voice I must listen to is HIS! If He is well-pleased, then no one else matters! And when I surround myself with mature, wise Christians whom I have given permission to speak truth in love to keep me on track, then the other voices can fall by the wayside. I don't need to entertain every criticism that comes my way!

Oh what freedom comes in eating at God's table! Will you pull up a chair and eat with me? What junk have you been eating that makes God's banquet of pure and holy food look undesirable? Don't let it lead to guilt...that is from the enemy...he wants to keep you at his table! Instead, confess it, let God take it away and pull up a chair at His table! He will fill you!

Coming out from under the rock...

Since returning from Liberia, I have been hiding under a rock. I have still been working, taking care of family, etc, but I really didn't want to talk to anybody or share any thoughts. I have hated the question, "How was your trip?". (Anyone reading this who asked me that, please don't take offense or feel badly for asking...it is a very natural question!). But I don't know how to answer. You probably really don't want to hear how my trip was because that would take, oh, a day and a half to explain. Most of it is not real warm and fuzzy like you expect a mission trip to be. Add to that the personally challenges and battles that hit me square in the face upon coming home and you have me, hiding under a rock because it is the only place I know to go!

But under that rock I have been doing a ton of reading! I know God doesn't want me under a rock..I am supposed to be a light shining on a hill for Him, not a toad under a rock! But when I would think on that, it would just bring more guilt, so I just chose to quit thinking.

I won't go into all details here as they are too personal to share on such a public forum. But for the second time in my life I tried to walk away from God. I tried to take my fire insurance and leave. Last time I tried that was when I came home without Eden from Sierra Leone. That lasted about a week and a half. This time it lasted about...oh...two days! I just don't know how people run from God! As hard as I tried, He was always right there in front of me saying, "Really? This is really the way you want to go? You really want to believe those lies floating through your head? You know My way is the best way...even when it hurts and is tough!" And when I wanted to ignore that voice in my head, my dadgum (never wrote that before...have no clue if it is even a word, but that's how I'd spell it if it were!) spiritual husband telling me the truths I knew but really didn't want to hear!

So over the course of the next few days, I am going to post some of the quotes from the books as well as the many lessons God is teaching me right now. As John said as I was sharing some with him, "God is really kicking your tail right now, isn't He?!" Yes, He is!!! And I am grateful for the tail kicking! I am in need of it!

I have lost count of the days of my fast. I will stick to the fast until I finish A Call to Die. It is 40 days, but since there have been a couple of days that I haven't done the lessons, this may end up being a 60 day fast! Great motivation to do the lessons every day!

The fast has truly been amazing! This is the first time I have fasted and really felt it had any spiritual impact. It has taken my focus off the two things that compete with God the most in my life: food and things. And the most incredible thing is that the draw of these two idols is weakening! I can feel it! I don't really know how to describe it, but I can feel it! I have always thought women who said they "forgot" to eat a meal were nuts! I mean, come on, how do you "forget" to eat? Well, I don't know that I forget to eat, but many times I walk into the kitchen when I know I would have comforted myself with some tasty morsel in the past, and now, I just walk out. I don't even want to eat! Sometimes its because I don't want to eat the food I can eat: mainly fruit, nuts or cheese. But sometimes it really is because food has no hold on me...my body isn't needing food, so I walk out! Freedom! I can taste it! And BOY does it taste good! :)

A lesson I learned just this week, well I didn't really "learn" it, but God reinforced it this week. I have had a horrible sinus infection for the past almost three weeks. You know mommy can't be sick! Well, this one has been horrible enough that is has knocked me on my tail where mommy had to be sick! (Side note: if you have e-mailed me or called and I haven't returned it, this is why! Sorry! Praying I will be back to health this week!) So those days that I just felt like a truck had run over me, I went off the fast. I mean, surely God doesn't expect me to be sick *and* not eat any comforting foods, or even just have to try to come up with something to eat on a menu that takes some creativity when I don't even fell like lifting my head. This week, I learned, yes in fact, He does expect that! He gently reminded me that obedience is required NO MATTER WHAT! Sick, healthy, rich, poor, frustrated, happy, joyful, sad...it doesn't matter my "mood"! Obedience is always required and expected. Kind of like me with my children! :) Yes, I give them a break if they are a little cranky because they don't feel well, but they still have to follow rules and obey me when I give them a direction.

So no more going off the fast until I am finished with A Call to Die! I will walk in obedience..for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health forsaking all others as long as I shall live!

So I will leave you this morning with some sweet quotes from David Nasser in "A Call to Die". You really should read/do this if you never have! It would be a great activity for married couples or small groups! My friend Karen and I are doing it together! It definitely helps to know you have someone walking it with you....accountability is an amazing motivator!

• "It' much easier to be a nice Christian than a radical one." page 8
• "He [Jesus] doesn't take it for granted that you and I will be willing to follow him along his path of radical obedience to the Father. Jesus is no bully. He doesn't try to get us to pack our bags for a guilt trip. No, he simply offers that path with all its hardships and joys, and says, "If you want the greatest adventure life has to offer, here's what the ticket will cost you." Quite frankly, the vast majority of Christians look at the brochure and say, "No thanks. The price is too high. I"ll settle for something else." page 13
• "You and I will face excruciating moments, too when it seems God is asking too much and nobody is there for us....It is a call to die, a call to let your selfishness starve to death because you don't feed it. If it won't starve, we have to grab our selfishness by the throat and strangle it. Once again, remember we're talking spiritual, not physical issues. Because Satan is not gentle in dealing with us, we cannot be gentle in dealing with sin." page 17
• "When you and I feel insecure, we are more open to God speaking to our hearts." page 32
• "The call to die requires a will of steel to persevere and make those hard, thankless choices to honor God instead of serving selfish desires." page 41