Darkness

I have shared before about my struggle with depression. I have had some times the last few months when I felt I was really headed out of the darkness...at one point, I even told John that I hadn't realized how much darkness had encompassed me until I began to come into the light. But most recently through multiple issues/events, I felt myself slipping back into the pit. Many authors describe depression well as a pit of darkness. As you begin to slip into depression it is as if you are clinging to the side of a slippery wall that you know as you fall will find you deep in the depths of darkness and despair that feels as if it will never end. Sometimes you feel like no matter what you do, your fingers can't grip the edge, your finger nails only make grooves as you slip further and further down. Depression is kind of like other things in life that if you haven't experienced it, you really can't understand it. I know for me, before depression hit my life, I didn't understand why people couldn't just pull themselves up by the boot straps and get happy. Now I understand why. But I also know that you can fight depression, you can fight to get back on top where the light is, or you can wallow in the pit and believe all the lies and stay in a state of despair.

I was reading I John this morning at the prompting of the Holy Spirit. Once again, I read a scripture that I have read many times and in fact have it underlined for a different reason...but this morning, it had all new meaning as the Holy Spirit spoke to me about depression and darkness. It was a hard lesson. It was a convicting lesson, but I believe it is a valuable one!

I John 1: 5-6 says, "This is the message we have heard from him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth."

OUCH! So for me to walk in darkness is to not practice truth and is a lie if I say I am in Him! And now, sharing this on a public forum, I have accountability because I can no longer plead ignorance! :)

I have always read "darkness" in this verse as sin, but as I read this morning, I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me that this applies to the darkness of depression also. Depression keeps me disabled. It keeps me paralyzed...which in a sense keeps me working for the enemy! As long as he can keep me paralyzed and walking in darkness, I am not effective for the kingdom.

I don't have this all figured out yet because I know in the past there have been days that I couldn't pull myself out of the darkness no matter how much I tried...even fighting the battles I believe that when you suffer from something like depression, it is vital to have prayer warriors who can pull you out when you can't climb out on your own. I have amazing friends that God will lay me on their heart when I need prayer. Twice in the last week, I have literally felt the prayers lift me out of darkness. One day, I came out of it, but yesterday, well, I made a choice, a bad choice, I stayed in the pit. I wish I understood all of this better to know why at those moments I choose to believe lies and stay in the pit! I know part of it is that I just get tired of fighting battles and when I give in to the pit, the battle stops. I'm sure it doesn't stop in the heavens, but for me, in my mind, it stops. I am sad, I am down, I am angry, but I am not battling. I fight so many battles in my ministry and my home that when the battles inside me start, sometimes I just lay down and let the enemy walk all over me.

I hate that about myself! I hate my weakness! When I read in Acts 21 where Paul's friends are telling him that if he continues on his journey, he will be bound and delivered to his enemies Paul responds, "What are you doing, weeping and breaking my heart? For I am ready not only to be bound, but even t die at Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus." Oh how I wish I had that maturity and dedication...that even when I KNOW I am going to suffer heartache and pain, I still walk strongly into what I am called to. And maybe I do actually...I think God gives me strength to do the hard things I need to do in the ministry he has given me both as a wife, mom and adoption/child relief advocate, but when the tough times come...the children act out, the husband doesn't meet my needs, the adoptive parents attack, the government puts a halt on adoptions, false accusations against me run rampant....that is when I slink back. I lose the strength. I let those things get to me instead of standing on TRUTH!

Oh I have so much to learn in this life! Today my prayer is that no matter what today brings, I will walk in The Light and bask in His goodness...because no matter what my day brings, He is good and He loves me more than I can ever imagine! And to believe anything else is to break the heart of the One who broke His body for me on the cross!

I love this boy!

I had one of those wonderful moments with Noah last night where I want to stop time! Callie was spending the night at a friend's house, so we let Noah stay up late. Little ones were in bed, John was watching TV in our room, and I was laying on the couch watching the DVR of the final Batchelorette. Noah would come in off and on to cuddle with me. During a couple of those cuddle sessions, this is was the conversation:

Noah: "So when I am 77, how old will you be? (NO pause here) Oh, yeah, you will be dead."

Me: "Thanks, buddy!"

Second conversation occurred after the poor Bachelor that wasn't picked was giving his speech in the limo as it takes him to the airport. He is looking at the ring he didn't get to put on Jillian's finger....

Noah: "Did she tell him no?"

Me: "Yep, he got turned down."

Noah: "Well, I would take the ring back and get my $100 back!"

How much?

Is it ever ok to just tell God you can't do it? Is it ok to tell him you have taken all the stones from fellow Christians you can take with out literally laying down and dying? When asked what is the hardest part of my job...it wouldn't be the governments...I can deal with them, it is fellow Christians who think they have it all together and cast stones at me for the work I do in caring for the children in Liberia.

Some of those people read my blog...I'm sure they will take great pleasure in my defeat! They can be proud to know the enemy has used them well!

My goods!

So several people have asked for pictures of what I am selling at the "famer's" market. I guess I should have put the disclaimer that they sell hand made products at our "farmer's" market! I have a container garden, but if we had to wait to raise money for our trip from what I could sale out of that garden, we would make it to Liberia in 2020..maybe!

So here is what I had at the booth Saturday. We made $85. We are just $3,000 away from being able to book our tickets. I am listing things on Craigslist and considering ebay, but that is a lot of work and they take a good junk of it..thinking my time might be better spent on ther fund raising ideas!

The Internal Struggle

I had a day last week that hadn't occurred in awhile....in fact, kind of took me back and rocked my world!

This post is not meant to offend anyone, and I pray that all readers read it with the heart it is written. This is my internal struggle...it represents a very real battle between two sets of women as well, but this is what the battle means to me, a working-stay-at-home-mom!

John swears that I told him on the first date that I would stay home when I had kids and if he wasn't ok with that we might as well end it now! I don't remember putting it quite that strongly, but certainly, those were my beliefs! When we embarked on parenting, we were pregnant before our fist anniversary. I was elated, John was scared to death! :) I was due in June, so the timing was perfect! I would finish teaching that year and then quit to be full time mommy! We had many "discussions" during this time as John was still not sold on the whole woman staying at home thing, and on paper, we would not survive! (That is a whole other post with in itself!) However, in January, we lost that baby to a miscarriage. So the plans for the next year were up in the air. I still wanted to quit as I was pregnant again in three months with Callie who was due in January. But teachers received the first major raise that would bring them up to semi-well paid in Texas (now they are well paid - the legislatures have done well!). I would receive a $6,000 raise that year. So John was sure I needed to work that year. Being the submissive wife that I was (you laugh, but really, it was true!), I worked that year. That meant that Callie would be in daycare for about three months while I finished out the school year. We had a daycare at my school, so she was on campus with me. That was great, but even with that, it only lasted one week before I pulled her out and my mom kept her. I survived those three months knowing that I would be home with her for the rest of her time home. It was hard, and I threatened to quit about every other day, but I stuck it out.

God would bless us with a principal job for John. We moved to Cotton Center, and I got to stay home! It was harder than I thought! I didn't miss teaching, but I did miss people! It was a huge adjustment! I loved it, and would never have thought of going to work, but it was harder than I had anticipated.

I really don't remember why, but somehow John talked me into working just two days a week as the music teacher at the school. I think it was just because we felt there needed to be more fine arts offered at our little school. It was only two days a week, and the kids loved going to Ms. Cindy's daycare that was right next door to us (in the only building between our house and the school!). Callie was 2 and Noah was one. I can remember struggling with my identity! Even though it was only part time, I didn't feel like I could tell people I was a stay-at-home mom now. That really bothered me! I rationalized that even stay at home moms put their children in Mother's Day Out for 2 days a week, so I was still within stay-at-home-mom limits for being away from my kids.

We would move to Garden City, and it wasn't long before I was teaching those two days a week again. Did that for two years, keeping it up even after we moved to Midland. Callie was in Kinder and Noah would go to Ms. Shay's who did a wonderful job in her home with the kids! It was a great situation!

After Miss Ava came along, I really did not have a need to work. God had blessed us financially and there was not a need. Really, that time was probably my best as a mom! I had finally learned to truly enjoy my children. I had found a balance between keeping the house clean and being there for my kids. I spent lots of time with my dear friend Andrea as we have kids about the same age and were both pregnant! It was a blast!

Shortly after Ava was born, the agency went from 2 families to 20 literally over night! It was crazy! Obviously, it started taking more and more time. It was still a voluntary position, so there was not even the financial benefit of being away from my kids and not tending to the needs of my house. Over a year later, we did finally accept a salary of just enough to hire a house keeper to take that burden off of me as the agency took more and more time.

Now, even with adoptions on hold, the agencies takes 20-40 hours a week. We have moved the office out of the house as we needed boundaries! The agency had taken over our lives and dictated our schedule. That was a little upside down, so having an office really helped that!

But I still refuse to put my kids in daycare! I often wonder if I am just banging my head against the wall or if this is really the way God wants it! I firmly believe that if you have kids, you should raise them....that is why mine are not in daycare. I have always said (maybe it was just a rationalization and a way to make my guilt go away) that working part time was fine, I just always made sure the kids were with me more than they were with someone else. So that is how I became a working-stay-at-home mom! Ava and Toben go to Mother's Day Out two days a week. The other three days of the week, they go to the office with me in the morning and then we come home for naps and I work from home on anything else that needs done with the agency. Making important phone calls with a 3 and 4 year old screaming at each other can be very challenging! Many times I wonder why in the world I don't just put them in daycare! One big answer to that is that we can't afford it! I would be paying to work with what my salary is! That is just silly! But more important than the money is that I know I have them for such a short time, especially Toben since I missed out on the first three years. I can remember Callie's first day of kindergarden. The one thing that struck me more than anything that day was gratitude that I had stayed home with her!

So last week I had one of those days where I wanted to shut it all down and be a full time stay at home mom! I had so much guilt over things not done here at home because there is just not enough of me to go around. I had worked full time the week before because John was off, so he could keep the kids. Callie had thrown a fit about that! She was still laying the guilt on last week about me being gone so much the week before. I want another baby really badly, but I can't imagine adding a child to our already stretched schedules and daily life! ....but if I was home full time....well, then I could do it easily!

So the internal struggle began again! I battle being a working mom. My identity was always to be a stay-at-home mom. I am jealous of my friends who stay home with no agency to run. This isn't a financial decision as God has always replaced any salary I have had when we decided I would quit working to be home. It is more of a "what do you want from me, God?" question. When I have those days, I hear the voices saying you have your whole life to save other children, you only have 18 years to save yours! But then I see stats on children... 143 million orphans in the world...6,000 children in the Texas system are relinquished and ready to be adpoted with no prospective adoptive parnets, while hundreds of adptive parents wait for referrals from the system...the system has to be fixed....and I think I have to do more!

And so the internal struggle continues! To work or not to work, that is the question! As the rest of my week went, I am guessing God is not going to let me out of this soon, and the answer is in finding balance to do it all and do it all well....not perfect, but well!

So on this Monday morning with my to do list in front of me, I will press on toward the goal set before me!

Peddling my goods!

I am busy as a beaver making scripture canvases and crosses for the farmer's market in the morning. I am still trying to raise the funds for Callie and my trip to Liberia. We are having to postpone it as we don't have the $5,000 + to book the tickets and John and I cannot afford to charge it since we have spent thousands already just keeping our Liberian staff paid (well before we ran out of money too last month) and keeping the kids fed.

So we are having to fully trust God for His perfect timing to provide the necessary money. We have had some very generous donors, and I am very grateful to all of you! If you have ordered t-shirt, I am working on getting the additional information you requested and will get those ordered next week!

If you are in my area, come check out the Farmer's Market tomorrow morning! It is really a neat thing...there is also a couple (he is from Uganda) that have necklaces, sandals and different items from Uganda! Come see me!

"Boldly"

I have been studying Acts for a few weeks now. Our church is actually doing a series on Acts, but I was studying it even before then.

I am LOVING it! It always amazes me how I can read scripture that I know I have read tens if not hundreds of times before, but new things just pop out at me! Got to love that Holy Spirit who makes God's Word so fresh to us over 2000 years later!

Well, the apostles fascinate me! I feel like I can so relate to their work right now in what I am doing in adoption work. God has drawn so many comparisons for me. It has been such an encouragement, and also a charge to keep on keeping on. I don't even pretend to be anywhere near the maturity or calling of the Apostles, but God has used them to speak into my life in my little bitty corner of the world.

A word that occurs over and over when Acts describes the Apostles teaching is "boldly". This word stuck out to me because I usually speak boldly when I speak. I always have. It is a character trait that God gave me that frankly I am not so fond of. It definitely brings much ridicule and persecution...sometimes warranted ridicule if I am out of line or speaking boldly with the wrong heart, but many times I am speaking boldly at the charge of the Holy Spirit and feel as if I am stoned (with words and actions) just as Paul in Acts 14:19 (he was speaking boldly in vs 3 right before that!). I have been told that I am too bold and that I need to handle things with adoptions more softly and tenderly. Well, that goes totally against what God and the Holy Spirit is leading me in right now. There was a time when I spoke softly and walked gently with Liberian officials. We have been working in Liberia for almost 5 years. This is the first time I have gotten this "bold" in my words and actions. It is time! I love Acts 14:3 because it holds the key to this boldness thing...."with reliance upon the Lord." That is the part that was missing in my younger days that I am learning to seek in my maturing state.

Since I felt like this word "boldly" was a bright flashing light of instruction to my soul every time I read it, I decided to look it up. It is used 6 times in Acts, and 9 times in the New Testament (that means 2/3 of the time it is used is in Acts...hmmm). according to Strong's it means to speak freely, freedom of speech, confidence! Yes! I just LOVE that! Oh how that is what I have felt God screaming to my soul! Every time I contact a government official whether here or there, I second guess my boldness- I hear the voices of the critics who think they know exactly how I need to handle this process and ridicule the boldness that I have or that I ask them to take, and I just feel God screaming, "GO my daughter! It is time for boldness! It is time for my glory to be seen by those willing to see it! Speak my words! Please me, not man! If I am for you, who can be against you? Be bold, be daring. You are speaking for the people of Liberia who have no voice. I have made you bold for just a time as this!" That gets my blood to pumpin'!

I looked it up in Webster. I got even more excited! Webster defines "bold" as fearless before danger, showing or requiring a fearless daring spirit, assured, confident, adventurous, free, standing out prominently. That is what we are called to be for God! We are called to stand out for Him. We are called to show a fearless daring spirit in the face of danger or ridicule because man can do NOTHING to us spiritually speaking. Yes they can hurt our feelings, and in China and other places of persecution, they even hurt and torture our bodies, but God still calls us to be fearless or daring in spirit! Even if you are not involved in some "big" issue, you are called to be daring and fearless in spirit. Have you shared your testimony of God's goodness in your life with a stranger lately? In today's society, even that can be bold and daring in the face of danger. Speaking the name of God in front of many of today's society will get you a lecture you never wanted or ridiculed in a way you never imagined! But we are still called to do it- be bold!

I think when you are involved in a "big" issue, it is easy to neglect the times to be "bold" in the day to day. I have shared about my new friend at my office. He comes in everyday now and visits for 15 or 20 minutes at a time. I will share more about him as his life is such a testimony of our societies need for a savior! But I haven't asked him about his relationship with God yet. I want to be sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit, as timing is crucial in talking to someone about Christ, but if the Holy Spirit nudged me to bring Him up, would I? I can tell a government official how the cow at the cabbage, but would I share with a dieing soul the only thing that will bring him comfort and peace here and on the other side of life? I pray I would, and you better believe I will be looking for the opportunity to be daring in spirit to share my Jesus with this hurting soul!

And for today...I am just loving that God's word is so fresh and waiting for Him to reveal His glory in adoptions in Liberia! I know it's coming! I don't know what it will look like and it may not be packaged the way we all think it will be .....odds are, it won't be! But when He comes and shines His glory, I am going to be ready and until that time I will speak BOLDLY to anyone I can in order for ALL possible to see His glory and worship Him because of it!

Ready for my day! Go God! :)

There is a need....

I promised to tell the story of how God encouraged me in my calling to adoption on a particularly rough day.

For some odd reason, the owner of our office building has decided it needs to be tangerine orange...makes us easier to find, but not so sure what it does for the professional image...anyway, there is a guy there painting the building.

He came in Tuesday afternoon and asked me to move my van as he was about to paint right there and didn't want to get orange paint on my sliver van (thank you Mr. painter man!). So I gladly moved it.

When I was heading back into the office, he asked me what kind of business I was running. Since we are only international right now, not many people come to the office. Mainly, I needed the office out of the house as we needed the boundaries that provided. It has been a HUGE blessing...but because we don't really have families coming by the office that much, it hasn't totally been put together yet. We don't have a sign up or anything like that yet. Those things cost money, and, well, you know the rest of that story! I proceeded to tell this man that we run an adoption agency. He then says, "Well too bad you weren't here a few months ago, I would have had three kids for ya." That got my attention....I took the bait. Five months ago this man placed his triplets that he had with "his fling" *his words, NOT mine!* for adoption with a family in a near by town. He proceeded to tell me how their mom didn't want them and he already has 7 kids that he is taking care of. I talked to him just a bit about my boys and how adoption is such a wonderful thing, and then went inside my office, not really thinking that much about it. Well, not true...ashamedly, I admit, I was really just thinking I need to get a, b, and c finished today. Not really getting what I think God was trying to show me. So, as God often does with me, he hit me one more time! Mr. Painter Man came back into the office and said, "So you guys are open for business." I proceeded to give way more of an explanation than I am sure he cared to have about our licensing situation. Then he said, "Well, I have this friend in my class at college who is 3 months pregnant and doesn't want the baby. I was talking to her about my kids that I put up for adoption, and she is considering it." Ok, God, I am getting it now!

So I give him my card and tell him to have his friend call me. I told him that we would be licensed in the next few weeks and could help his friend out if she decided that she wanted to place...or if I wasn't able to help her, I knew plenty of people who could.

When he walked out the door, I was flooded with God's presence over me. I just sensed Him saying, "See, HollyAnn, the work you do is needed. People are hurting and need my hand to touch them. Children are coming into the world that need homes other than the ones they will be born into. There are other things in this work that I have for you besides just the frustrations of Liberia." Oh how sweet that was to me! It reminded me just how personal my amazing Heavenly Father is! He took the time to place a man right in my path who knew someone who needed what I could give. God used it to remind me that in this area, there is no one to truly minister to birth or really adoptive families on a personal level the way I believe it should be.

Just two hours before, John had stopped by and I was on a bad phone call. When I got off, I cried and questioned, and said the words I try not to say these days, "I just don't know what I am supposed to do anymore and I want to quit." I know quitting is not an option...well, at least not if I want to run this race in the way I need to in order to win the prize and to see God's glory in "the land of the living"! Then God graciously placed this man in my path to remind me of the needs and the harvest that is ripe for God's people to take His love to a very wounded and bleeding group of people! So I put on my armor again (had put it on that morning, but it felt like it had fallen off in battle!) and sat down at my computer with a renewed resolve to serve the awesome God who has called me to this work called adoption!

Could it really happen?

So after I posted my "Dear Addy" post, I had this wild idea...one of those times that something so strange pops in your head that you think it has to be God, but also so much a desire of your heart that you are scared it is flesh??

I am headed to Liberia with Callie at the end of this month (well, if God brings the funds I will be!). Liberia is right next to Sierra Leone. What if Eden's dad brought her and they came to Liberia to see us? Then Callie could finally meet Eden whom she still calls her sister?! And I could see my precious girl again! Is that weird? Would it do more harm? Am I just being selfish? How would Callie really handle actually meeting her? Would it work?

I don't know, but man it has me excited thinking about!

Dear Addy,

It will be 5 years this Sunday that you left this earth for Jesus' arms. You left before I held you in my own. Your death sent me into a righteous anger I had never known as I learned that your death could have been stopped with an IV and antibiotics.

Many people do not understand why after 5 years I still cry over you, a child I never held in my arms. I don't have any words to tell them. I just have a whole in my heart where you were suppose to sit while I braided your hair and sang you lullabys.

Most days I don't think about the pain. In fact, I have buried it pretty deep...so deep that I often think it is gone. But then days like today come and the scab is torn off and the blood of my wound flows strong again!

The short time that you graced my life with yours is what birthed the calling your daddy and I have given our lives to. God used your short three years and your tragic death to call us to Addy's Hope. Somedays, I wish we had never known you...never started this crazy ministry....but then I think of the other "Addy's" out there. The little boy that came home to the US through Addy's Hope that had major medical issues that the limited medical care in Liberia would never have picked up. He was skin and bones, sad, no smiles, sick. Now, he is a thriving little boy full of smiles playing football and surrounded by the love of a Christian family that he never would have known if not for the role you played in his life...like a pebble thrown in a pond, your life continues to ripple even five years after your death.

I love you, my preciuos Addy Joy! Someday I will hold you! Until then, I picture you being rocked to sleep in the arms of Jesus as angels sing you those lullabys I never got to!

Love,
Mommy

We are people too!

WARNING: If you are an adoptive parent, you may not want to read any further. If you do read further, please take what I say as tongue-in-cheek...well, most of it! ;) It is very sarcastic, so anyone who doesn't get my sarcasm, probably shouldn't read this either! ;) If you just flat don't like sarcasm, you are weird! Ok, sorry! That was uncalled for...what do you expect at 1:45 am when I can't sleep?! You guys are getting to see a rare side of me! Now you can all feel very sorry for John! :)

Dear adoption people,

I am writing to let you know that we adoption professionals are people too. I understand that many adoption "professionals" seem to have steel hearts. That is because they have dealt with so much heart ache they have to put on the strong face to deal with even more. While this is maybe not the most effective way to handle communications with adoptive parents, at times it becomes necessary in order to deal with all the raw emotions adoptive parents are spewing at the adoption professional. I use the term "professional" loosely here as I am well aware that there are MANY (unfortunately) people working in adoptions who are anything but professional. I have worked with some of those both as an adoptive parent as an adoption professional. It isn't fun to work with those people regardless of your position! When you care about the children, any unprofessional adoption worker drives you mad!

But we are people too...we hurt when adoptions shut down, we cry when children die, we are devastated when a parent changes his/her mind about placing a child, we struggle when adoptive parents with children home struggle with their children...I assure you we are not in this for our health! In fact, most of us have health problems brought on by stress. But we do love the children, and we do want to walk with families through one of the most heart-wrenching journeys I have ever taken and I think that is true for many adoptive families.

I digress....Please understand as you call your adoption worker that they have probably talked to 10 other adoptive parents before you who think that their case should take priority over yours. It is humanly impossible to make each case the top priority. Those of us in this for the children do our best to put the most pressing needs to move the most cases forward at the top of the priority list. Those of us who are in this because God has called us to it, spend the first moments of our day asking God to order our steps as at the end of each day the "to do" list has gotten longer and not shorter. If your task didn't make God's list, we apologize and will gladly give you His "number" for you to take it up with Him.

For those of you fortunate enough to have adoption workers who really care for the children, please understand that they are just as emotionally invested in this....probably even more so...than you are! You feel the tug on your heart and the raw emotions of the one, two, or three children you are waiting to bring home. They feel that same thing multiplied times however many children and adoptive families are in their care. When you call to tell them everything they are doing wrong, please remember all the things they have done and all the battles they have fought for you and your child. It is never wrong to question an adoption professional if you believe something fishy is going on, but when they have continually fought for you, kept you informed, etc, give them the benefit of the doubt as you question...it will go a long way! Remember that we are people too..while questioning them is not wrong, think how you feel when you are questioned despite the fact that you have given something all of your heart and most of your time. Your adoption professional is probably going to be a little defensive...this is a natural human reaction to being told you are sorry at your job. And remember that they are entitled to a private life just like you! They will have days when the burden seems too much to bear. If they communicate that to you, don't panic, reassure them as I am sure they have you many times. Don't read their blogs if you don't want to know their feelings...you post your frustrations and anger with them on your blog, they have a right to vent on their blog also! If they call you by name, sue them (well - considering what the Bible says about suing our brothers and sisters, maybe that isn't great advice...but you get my drift!), but if they are doing a general vent, don't hold it against them or don't read their blog if it bothers you!

Most importantly, please understand that no matter how well your adoption professional communicates with you, it is impossible for them to give you every little detail of every little thing! Therefore, remember that when they ask you not to do something specific, or when they tell you that something you want to do is a bad idea (especially if it might interfere with the adoption process or cause an international incident) it is wise to listen to them....they know more about the adoption process than you do. That is why they are where they are! Know that they have an understanding of the system that more than likely you don't. Heed their advice...at least give it a good long thought before you toss it to the wind and do what you want to do anyway.

If you are one of those adoption people who are fortunate enough to have a real caring adoption worker, e-mail them today and tell them how much you appreciate the way they handle themselves in this crazy adoption world! I am betting they haven't heard that from an adoptive parent in a long time...if ever! (If you are one of my adoptive parents and were brave enough to read this, I am not fishing for compliments here! :) If you know my heart for adoption, I can almost guarantee I already know that you appreciate Addy's Hope because you have already told me by the way you handle yourself in this long journey through Liberian adoptions that started at 5 months and are now up to...well, it's too depressing to write the number!)

Lastly, for those of you who think what I am saying is all just stupid and I am a whiner....open your own adoption agency! If you can process adoptions and serve adoptive families and children in need without any of these issues, then we desperately need you in the adoption community!

With warmest regards,
A Weary Adoption Worker Who Feels Much Better After Venting to the World
:)

P.S. I am weary, yes, but stay tuned tomorrow to hear an amazing story of how God graciously and lovingly refueled and confirmed my call today! Ministry is just tough and messy! But it doesn't give me a right to quit when God has called me to this work!

Fundraisers!

I am posting to ask for your help in raising funds for a mission trip to Liberia the end of this month. I am finally getting to go on a mission trip to Liberia! I am sure I will have to do some adoption work, but the main goal of the trip is to teach birthing classes in the villages with my friend who is a midwife. Well, she will be teaching and I will be assisting. Callie is going with me! She and I both are so excited about that. Addy's Hope will not be funding any of this trip as Addy's Hope can't even pay salaries right now! So the fund raising is up to me...the world's worst fund raiser! Tickets have increased since I last traveled. With Callie and I both traveling, we are needing to raise about $7,500. We raised enough at our garage sale to get Callie's visa and help with our guest house fees. We are about $7,000 short! But I am trusting God to provide...and asking for your help to spread the word about two fundraisers I am doing. I would be most grateful if you would let any inter-racial families know about the t-shirt and spread these fundraisers with a link on your blog if you would! I appreciate it greatly!

The first is the sale of the t-shirt I designed and shared on here a few weeks ago. It is for inter-racial families. I will order them after I get a few orders as they are cheaper the more I order...so the more money we raise! :) I share that to tell you it may be a couple of weeks or more before I get the shirt shipped to you! Adult sizes are $15.00 and children's sizes are $10.00. Here is the t-shirt (DO NOT CLICK THE BUY BUTTON - I'M ORDERING THEM LOCALLY):

Make custom t-shirts at CustomInk.com

E-mail me at hollyann@addyshope.com with your order, or you can leave a comment with your order.

The other fundraiser is a fun and unique raffle! We are selling raffle tickets for this beautiful wooden hand-carved nativity set from Liberia. We are selling 100 numbered tickets. The price of the ticket is the number on the ticket (i.e.: ticket #1 is $1, ticket #2 is $2...#50 is $50 etc). So you want to purchase your ticket fast to get the best deal on a ticket! You can e-mail me at hollyann@addyshope.com to find out which tickets are available. There are 11 pieces total (a sheep is hiding behind the donkey)! This is the #1 requested souvenir from Liberia!

Always getting ahead

One of my biggest faults is that I am always trying to get ahead of God. He gives me a vision or a direction, and I run with it! However, many times, I run with it on my time table with my plan...and no, that isn't working too well for me!

As I walk this crazy life trying to figure out how to determine God's will and timing instead of my own, I picked up a book by Stormie OMartian called Just Enough Light fr the Step I'm On. It has been a really good book. I mentioned it in the post about the peace with Ava's medical tests. If you have read any of Stormie's writing, you know she is pretty blunt! She doesn't really sugar coat anything. There are a few things that I don't know that I agree with on a theological level...or maybe just more of a disagreement on where she places emphasis, but she has some really good and amazing points! Here are a few that have really spoken to me!

• "The wilderness is where God takes us when He wants to get Egypt out f our hearts. He wants t separate us from all that we crave, s that all we crave is Him. Just as God wanted to get the taste of Egypt out of the Israelites' mouths, He wants to get the lust fr certain comforts our of our appetites, too. It's not that He doesn't want us to ever be comfortable. It's just that He doesn't want us to depend on the comfortable. He wants us to depend on Him. He doesn't want us to love the comforts more than we love Him. When God aims us in a new direction, we have to let go of what we've known, be willing to embrace the unfamiliar, and trust that He will sustain us on the journey."
• "God wants us to surrender our dreams because we can't be led by Him if we are chasing after a dream of our own making....The dream has to be realized His way."
• "Where there is no vision, the people parish" Prov 29:18 - reminds me of the general public of Liberia! We've got to change that!
• From the chapter, "Expecting a Call": "I've seen many people who were too busy, too drugged out, too tired, to preoccupied, or to in pursuit of riches and fame to hear God calling them. Others were afraid they might be called to insignificance and s they didn't want to know about it. I've known others still who clearly heard the call of God and ran away from it. The direct line from heaven was ringing and they turned up the volume on their lives so they wouldn't have to hear Gd and answer. I've also known people with such a low opinion of themselves that they didn't believe God had them destined for anything great. So when the call came, they thought it must be fr somebody else and didn't respond.
• "The only reason it appears that some people are "more called" by God then others is that they were expecting the call and answered it."

Pretty powerful stuff if I can just apply it! :)