The Internal Struggle

I had a day last week that hadn't occurred in awhile....in fact, kind of took me back and rocked my world!

This post is not meant to offend anyone, and I pray that all readers read it with the heart it is written. This is my internal struggle...it represents a very real battle between two sets of women as well, but this is what the battle means to me, a working-stay-at-home-mom!

John swears that I told him on the first date that I would stay home when I had kids and if he wasn't ok with that we might as well end it now! I don't remember putting it quite that strongly, but certainly, those were my beliefs! When we embarked on parenting, we were pregnant before our fist anniversary. I was elated, John was scared to death! :) I was due in June, so the timing was perfect! I would finish teaching that year and then quit to be full time mommy! We had many "discussions" during this time as John was still not sold on the whole woman staying at home thing, and on paper, we would not survive! (That is a whole other post with in itself!) However, in January, we lost that baby to a miscarriage. So the plans for the next year were up in the air. I still wanted to quit as I was pregnant again in three months with Callie who was due in January. But teachers received the first major raise that would bring them up to semi-well paid in Texas (now they are well paid - the legislatures have done well!). I would receive a $6,000 raise that year. So John was sure I needed to work that year. Being the submissive wife that I was (you laugh, but really, it was true!), I worked that year. That meant that Callie would be in daycare for about three months while I finished out the school year. We had a daycare at my school, so she was on campus with me. That was great, but even with that, it only lasted one week before I pulled her out and my mom kept her. I survived those three months knowing that I would be home with her for the rest of her time home. It was hard, and I threatened to quit about every other day, but I stuck it out.

God would bless us with a principal job for John. We moved to Cotton Center, and I got to stay home! It was harder than I thought! I didn't miss teaching, but I did miss people! It was a huge adjustment! I loved it, and would never have thought of going to work, but it was harder than I had anticipated.

I really don't remember why, but somehow John talked me into working just two days a week as the music teacher at the school. I think it was just because we felt there needed to be more fine arts offered at our little school. It was only two days a week, and the kids loved going to Ms. Cindy's daycare that was right next door to us (in the only building between our house and the school!). Callie was 2 and Noah was one. I can remember struggling with my identity! Even though it was only part time, I didn't feel like I could tell people I was a stay-at-home mom now. That really bothered me! I rationalized that even stay at home moms put their children in Mother's Day Out for 2 days a week, so I was still within stay-at-home-mom limits for being away from my kids.

We would move to Garden City, and it wasn't long before I was teaching those two days a week again. Did that for two years, keeping it up even after we moved to Midland. Callie was in Kinder and Noah would go to Ms. Shay's who did a wonderful job in her home with the kids! It was a great situation!

After Miss Ava came along, I really did not have a need to work. God had blessed us financially and there was not a need. Really, that time was probably my best as a mom! I had finally learned to truly enjoy my children. I had found a balance between keeping the house clean and being there for my kids. I spent lots of time with my dear friend Andrea as we have kids about the same age and were both pregnant! It was a blast!

Shortly after Ava was born, the agency went from 2 families to 20 literally over night! It was crazy! Obviously, it started taking more and more time. It was still a voluntary position, so there was not even the financial benefit of being away from my kids and not tending to the needs of my house. Over a year later, we did finally accept a salary of just enough to hire a house keeper to take that burden off of me as the agency took more and more time.

Now, even with adoptions on hold, the agencies takes 20-40 hours a week. We have moved the office out of the house as we needed boundaries! The agency had taken over our lives and dictated our schedule. That was a little upside down, so having an office really helped that!

But I still refuse to put my kids in daycare! I often wonder if I am just banging my head against the wall or if this is really the way God wants it! I firmly believe that if you have kids, you should raise them....that is why mine are not in daycare. I have always said (maybe it was just a rationalization and a way to make my guilt go away) that working part time was fine, I just always made sure the kids were with me more than they were with someone else. So that is how I became a working-stay-at-home mom! Ava and Toben go to Mother's Day Out two days a week. The other three days of the week, they go to the office with me in the morning and then we come home for naps and I work from home on anything else that needs done with the agency. Making important phone calls with a 3 and 4 year old screaming at each other can be very challenging! Many times I wonder why in the world I don't just put them in daycare! One big answer to that is that we can't afford it! I would be paying to work with what my salary is! That is just silly! But more important than the money is that I know I have them for such a short time, especially Toben since I missed out on the first three years. I can remember Callie's first day of kindergarden. The one thing that struck me more than anything that day was gratitude that I had stayed home with her!

So last week I had one of those days where I wanted to shut it all down and be a full time stay at home mom! I had so much guilt over things not done here at home because there is just not enough of me to go around. I had worked full time the week before because John was off, so he could keep the kids. Callie had thrown a fit about that! She was still laying the guilt on last week about me being gone so much the week before. I want another baby really badly, but I can't imagine adding a child to our already stretched schedules and daily life! ....but if I was home full time....well, then I could do it easily!

So the internal struggle began again! I battle being a working mom. My identity was always to be a stay-at-home mom. I am jealous of my friends who stay home with no agency to run. This isn't a financial decision as God has always replaced any salary I have had when we decided I would quit working to be home. It is more of a "what do you want from me, God?" question. When I have those days, I hear the voices saying you have your whole life to save other children, you only have 18 years to save yours! But then I see stats on children... 143 million orphans in the world...6,000 children in the Texas system are relinquished and ready to be adpoted with no prospective adoptive parnets, while hundreds of adptive parents wait for referrals from the system...the system has to be fixed....and I think I have to do more!

And so the internal struggle continues! To work or not to work, that is the question! As the rest of my week went, I am guessing God is not going to let me out of this soon, and the answer is in finding balance to do it all and do it all well....not perfect, but well!

So on this Monday morning with my to do list in front of me, I will press on toward the goal set before me!