Excited about a book!

I had a friend who has followed my journeys and frustrations for several years now. She found herself in a similar situation and found an amazing book: When Life and Beliefs Collide: Knowing God Makes a Difference by Carolyn Custis James. I have just started it and am so excited to see what God reveals through this faithful women's words!

In the introduction she explains how the book came to be. It is mainly because she was struggling as I have, and I believe many others if they were honest have, with what you do when your reality doesn't line up with your theology! There are things I know in my head because I do believe that God is good, He knows and wants what is best for me. But knowing that in my head and making it mesh with the things in my life leave me perplexed many times. I know it's because I don't truly know the character of God! I know bits and pieces, but if I truly understood and knew Him like He longs for me to know Him, then I wouldn't struggle near as much.

That is basically the point of Ms. James. She had a theology professor make a statement that there are no great women theologians. That challenged Ms. James and she went on a search....first within herself. I love the analogy she uses of Mary vs Martha! How many of you have said you were one or the other? I know I have caught myself doing that. But the reality is, God wants us to be BOTH! Have you ever heard that preached before? I really haven't. Cynthia calls these categories the "women who think" (Marys) and "women who serve" (Marthas). This is what she says about our bend to place our selves in one or the other categories: "The distinction is unfortunate, for it leads women to conclude that these two spheres of life are disconnected and incompatible instead of inseparably intertwined and that theology has not put in the living of our lives." Wow! So true!!! And I believe the church of America makes this distinction like none other I have seen! And here is where I can so relate with her! "Doctrinal statements may keep us orthodox, but they don't seem to matter much when our families are falling apart and we feel hopeless." And here are a few other quotes that I can totally relate with and make me want to sit and read this whole book today!....

• "It seems to me that life's struggles are the shortest route to a deep appreciation of our need to know God better."
• "We have lived too long with a false dichotomy where we must choose between Mary and Martha. Jesus flatly rejects these categories. He calls us to be a composite of the two: women who take time to know him better and whose theology informs and emboldens their ministries to others."
• "Thinking about God's sovereignty is one thing. Connecting it with a painful personal crisis is quite a different matter...It is in the trenches that we learn it is never enough to know about God in our heads. We must know him in our hearts."
• "The ability to articulate and debate theological ideas, even from a pulpit, doesn't prove you are theologian any more than spouting facts about the United States president means you are his personal friend." - this is my favorite!!

If you are struggling through a circumstance or reality that leaves you questioning God's character or has you trying to align what you know with what you feel, I would encourage you to pick this up! We can take this journey together! Leave me a comment if you are going to be reading it and we can chat about it together! ...and thank you Priscilla for recommending it to me! I can't wait to see what God teaches me through these pages!

The Journey: We said no

We had a call today for another foster referral. We said no. This is only the second time in my life I have ever said no to a direct referral to our family. It's hard! I have to rely on John. I would take them all, but that is not what is best for me or my family. John is the voice of reason and wisdom at these times. It used to be a problem. He would say no, and I would get irate! But now I know God placed John and his heart with mine to keep balance.

Truly, we agreed on this decision. I would probably still have taken him, because I know there is a "him" coming, but if we took this one, we might have missed the one God has picked out for us....I totally believe God hand picks ALL our children - adopted, biological and foster! And I believe those desires he places in our hearts for ages, sex or race leads us to the child that He has for us. I always encourage adoptive parents to pay attention to those longings placed in their heart concerning those things. Obviously, we need to pray about them and make sure they are not selfish desires, but since adoption is a string of decisions made that ultimately makes a difference in the child you will receive, I firmly believe God directs us with those longings and desires as we make the decisions.

The Journey: How do you do "it"?

For those of you counting, the referral we turned down would make number 6. Are we crazy? Probably. Why would we do it? Because we are called. And the question I always get, "How do you do it?"

I have thought a lot about that lately. Especially with the consideration of adding one more. When people ask me how I do it, I truly don't know how to answer that. I guess the only answer I can come up with is, "How do you not do it?" God gave me five children. I know without a doubt each child was hand picked by God to be in my home. Each child has his or her own unique finger prints of God all over his or her story. I don't doubt whether any of my children were meant to be here. Knowing that, what else do I do but "it"?

With each child after Ava, I've wondered if we were "done". I was content...especially after Toben. I had my four: two boys and two girls. Perfect! Well, that was when I was judging by the world's standards! God has a plan for my family. A plan that He reveals to me one step at a time. People who have known us for a while usually look at John and say, "when is she going to stop?" The answer to that, when God stops!
With each child, I think I can't do anymore! I'm overwhelmed at first with another little person needing my attention. But once we get in a groove, and God starts whispering to me about the next one, I see that one more would work!
I am not super woman! I am not some special mother who was given a great measure of anything. I am just a simple old housewife who loves the Lord and has a heart for orphans. In fact, frankly, I am probably one of the least likely to have a large family - I have a very difficult time staying organized and schedules pretty well elude me. The larger the family gets, the more crucial these things are!

As I think about how I do "it", there is truly only one answer! I came across it again this morning expressed in Acts 1:8, "you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you." If you look up power in Strong's, it says, miraculous power, might or strength. It is derived from the word meaning, "to be able - to have power." That's it! That's how I do it! It is through miraculous power, might and strength. It is truly not by my might but by His that I am able to parent five children and think of adding another one. When God first started preparing me for the idea of another one, I was pretty overwhelmed, and frankly, scared! But as our loving God does, in my times with Him as I have prayed over this, He has shown me in His Word just how "We" will do it! He's not asking me to do it on my own. He will empower and equip me. If I try to do it on my own like I do so many times in life, I will fail. But if I press into Him and let Him equip me, then one more is totally doable! A week or so ago, I was feeling overwhelmed with just five and John! But God took me to 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."...for when I am weak, then I am strong."
I have learned that when I can do life by myself, I do! I don't press into God. I coast along taking care of business. But when life is more than I can handle, that is when I spend life on my knees, pressing into God, and only then can God truly be seen in my life!

Do I want to add one more? Some days yes, some days, no! Does it scare me? YES! Most days I feel like I fail miserably in just about every area of being a mother and wife. My house isn't clean enough, I didn't spent enough time with my kids, they watched too much tv, I didn't fix a balanced enough meal, the laundry is piling up, the refrigerator has unrecognizable items in it....the list goes on and on.

But here is the bottom line. God commands us to care for the orphans. Many believe orphan is defined by a child whose parents have died. That is such a narrow definition, and one that I think is totally inaccurate! The children entering our child welfare systems in the US and around the world are orphans! Maybe they are temporary orphans, but orphans all the same. They are in need of a family - a home - a mommy and daddy to love them unconditionally. Some of them make this harder than others. But all children have a right to a home, family and mommy! So whether I have it all together or not, children are in need. As our social worker left yesterday and I asked about children coming in, she actually used the word "epidemic proportions"! We have a crisis...an epidemic! The answer: The Body of Christ! We must step up and care for these children!

Will it make you popular? Nope! Will you be told you are crazy, stupid or a myriad of other things? Yep! But what is God saying? Is he saying that 2.5 children is not the normal family in His kingdom? Is he asking you to be His hands and feet so that He can be a Father to the Fatherless?
Yes, we passed up a referral. No we can't save them all. But we can take in the ones God has for us. When I was changing Madison's diaper last week, I had weird thing happen. I saw a picture in my mind of Baby Girl playing with a little baby that had an afro. It was clear the child was African American and a little boy. I immediately was overwhelmed with the sense that it was a baby that we will have. I don't know it if is a baby we will get to keep or just one that we will foster and return to his family. I still had my heart set on a little girl so I could do those braids! :0) That has been my dream since we lost Eden. So I am sure God gave me this little picture to open my heart to the possibility of a little boy. This has left John and I with a choice: believe those around us who say we have done more than our share and 5 is enough, or believe God who sent His only son to die for us and keep following Him as He asks us to stretch ourselves one more time!

We will see what happens! We are praying for wisdom to know when the child that God has for us crosses our path. In the mean time, I will keep asking you to consider it...will you be a foster parent? The epidemic will not go away if we ignore it...in fact it will just get exponentially worse as these children being raised in the system have children who statistics say will end up in the system also. Let's show the World the love of Christ and power of the Holy Spirit by caring for the least of these!
**If you enjoyed this post, check out my friends' posts about similar things at Building the Blocks and Bonkland.**

From the Addy's Hope News Blog

I am cross-posting this from the Addy's Hope News Blog...thank you faithful prayer warriors! I believe we are seeing the first mortar fall from the wall we have been marching around for a year and a half now! I hear the sound of cracking brick and we will soon march over the ruins of wickedness and corruption that have kept us from heping the chidren! Praise God!!!


The meeting with the new Minister of Justice and other parties involved in the persecution of adoption it set for tomorrow morning. I have been in continual prayer for this meeting. I believe it was no irony that yesterday's sermon at my church was on spiritual warfare. But even before the message was delivered, during the worship time, I felt a strong sense of needing to pray for the battle waging for the children of Liberia. As such, I began praying for them. Immediately a peace flooded me. I believe this matter is settled. We will see great victory come from this meeting. Of course, my time is not God's time. I don't know that this victory will be evident immediately. My request to God is that we see immediate results, but I don't know that it will happen. I believe God was encouraging me to hang tight and not lose hope or question the outcome if immediate results are not evident. He will bring about that which has been settled in His timing...which is rarely the same as mine! Can anyone relate?!

This morning as I prayed again about the meeting, God took me to Psalm 33 and 34. I ask you to join me in proclaiming the Word over this meeting and the situation with adoption and children in Liberia. Let me remind everyone that this is much bigger than just adoption. We are talking about leaders in the Ministry of Health who have taken, from the last report I heard, over $300,000 (US, not Liberian dollars) from children who are in orphanages that have nothing to do with adoptions. This is the money the government was supposed to be giving those who care for the children to feed them. This money was literally stolen out of the mouths of the children by the very people set in authority by President Sirleaf and her people to care for the "health and social welfare" of these children. Anyone else see a serious problem?

So my prayer is not that adoptions open. Yes, that is part of it, but I am asking you to pray that these people be brought to justice and removed from their seats of authority so that Godly men and women can be put in authority and the well-being of the Liberian children can once again be at the forefront of what the Ministry of Health and Social Welfare is doing.

Here is what God brought me to and I am asking you to agree with me in prayer:
Psalm 34:
7 ~ The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him, and rescues them.
8-10 ~ O taste and see that the Lord is good; how blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him: O fear the Lord, You His saints; for to those who fear Him there is no want. The young lions do lack and suffer hunger; but they who seek the Lord shall not be in want of any good thing.
15-22 ~ The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous and His ears are open to their cry. The face of the Lord is against evildoers, to cut off the memory of them from the earth. The righteous cry, and the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones, not one of them is broken, evil shall slay the wicked, and those who hate the righteous will be condemned. The Lord redeems the soul of His servants, and none of those who take refuge in Him will be condemned.

Psalm 37
7-15
Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, Because of the man who carries out wicked schemes. Cease from anger and forsake wrath; do not fret; it leads only to evildoing. For evildoers will be cut off, but those who wait for the Lord, they will inherit the land. Yet a little while and the wicked man will be no more; and you will look carefully for his place and he will not be there. But the humble will inherit the land and will delight themselves in abundant prosperity. The wicked plots against the righteous and gnashes at him with his teeth. The Lord laugh ts at him, for He sees his day is coming. The wicked have drawn the sword and bent their bow to cast down the afflicted and the needy [orphans and those who care for them], to slay those who are upright in conduct [those of us who have spoken out publicly against the corruption in the Ministry of Health]. Their sword will enter their own heart, and their bows will be broken.

34~ Wait for the Lord and keep His way, and He will exalt you to inherit the land; when the wicked are cut off, you will see it.

I am dancing for joy at the truths in those verses! The authority is all God's! He will deal harshly with those who plot against His people and especially against His children! Praise Him! To Him be all the glory from the outcomes of this meeting!

Concerning what I believe to be God speaking victory over the wicked in power over the care of children and the battle waging for these children:
Psalm 33:9-12 ~ For He spoke, and it was done; He commanded, and it stood fast. The Lord nullifies the counsel of the nations; He frustrates the plans of the peoples. The counsel of the Lord stands forever. The plans of His heart from generation to generation. Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord, the people whom He has chosen for His own inheritance.

Thank you for journeying with us and praying for the children of Liberia. I look forward to reporting to all of you prayer warriors the victories we will see in the days, weeks, months and years to come. I have always believed that God has big plans for Liberia and intends to make Liberia a power house nation....much like American. But He must have righteous leaders before that can happen. Your prayers are working to bring that about. Just one more time we as Christians are called to a very small part of a much larger picture! Thank you for your faithfulness and dedication. Words can't express the gratitude I have for those of you praying with us!

For the oppressed,
HollyAnn

The Journey: A crazy Week!

This week is one of those when I wonder how foster homes where both parents work make it! This is what happened this week:
Monday - 10-12 birth mom visit in the town 20 miles away
Tuesday - 10 well check that we didn't leave until almost noon
Wednesday - 10:30 permanency meeting in that same town that is 20 miles away
Thursday - 10 meeting with social worker from Buckner (didn't show or call grrrrrr....)
Thursday - 1 meeting with other social worker from Buckner for quarterly visit

And that doesn't include all the phone calls made or conversations I had to have pertaining to Baby Girl! AND she doesn't have therapist appointments like so many do.

It is sooo worth it, but it definitely isn't just taking care of another child like your own. Lots of paperwork and meetings involved.

It has been a crazy week! And on top of it all, John was out of town on business until last night. No wonder I'm tire! :) But it is all worth it!!!! And I think everyone should do it! :) We need more foster families! My foster home developer told me today that they are turning away 8-10 kids a week because they just don't have homes! Craziness!

The Journey: The Meeting is over

Went to the Permanency meeting. Thought I was prepared for everything, but turns out I was wrong. Wasn't prepared for a question they asked Baby Girl's Mother. They asked if she would be willing to sign paper to allow us to adopt Baby Girl. Really wasn't prepared for her answer: "yes".

Two times in my life now I have sat at a table with a young mother and heard her say she would be willing for me to take her child as mine. There are no words. Only tears....I tried, but couldn't stop them. Baby Girl's Grandmother was there, whom we have a wonderful relationship with, and she mouthed, "It's ok!". I just shook me head and smiled as the tears ran.

No papers have been signed, and as they say, it ain't over till it's over. But the fact that Baby Girl's mother would even consider adoption by choice is a new development and makes my heart sing..at least for a short bit.

But at the same time as it sings, it breaks. Breaks for a mom who for whatever reason can't get it together enough to parent her child. My prayers is still that one day, she will! One day she will have a life that will allow her to parent a child to adulthood. Many would say that is an impossibility and would wonder why I would even think about that. But I serve a God of impossibilities, and I still want that life for Baby Girl's Mother.

Thank you for your prayers! They were answered, and I would say God provided an answer that is more amazing than I had even thought to ask for! Praise Him!!!!

The Journey: Permanency Meeting Today

We have what they call a permanency meeting today. It is when all parties involved in the child's life meet to discuss the best plan to provide a place of permanency for the child. It's a bit crazy to go to a meeting where people are discussing the fate of a child you already consider yours. But the reality is, she is not mine...and I try to keep that perspective as we go about daily life.

Really the only apprehension I have is facing Baby Girl's mother as they possibly tell her that the recommendation will be termination. I don't approach this subject with Baby Girl's Mother as I don't ever want her to feel like we are trying to take Baby Girl from her. I would fight if I had to, but my prayer is that the system will work and they will do what is best for Baby Girl and the brunt of this will rest on the system. I'm not just being a chicken here. But when we started this journey, I didn't know if we were here for Baby Girl or for Mother. So, I have a heart for Mother. I know many find that hard to believe, but I truly do. My prayer through this has been that God would give me His eyes to see all parties. He answered that. I didn't know what I was asking when I prayed that. I think it makes it much harder as I will hurt with Baby Girl's Mother instead of just celebrating Baby Girl being mine.

Please pray for all parties involved this morning. Pray for Baby Girl's Mother that God would prepare her heart for what the meeting might bring and somehow this would draw her to Him. Pray that I will accurately represent the heart of God with every word and action I have in the meeting.

Here I go...

It may be an all-nighter!

There is a really important meeting in Liberia this week regarding adoptions! It is "our" chance - the pro side of adoption to be heard. There is a new Justice Minister that has been named. She is looking over many issues that have been dealt with in Liberia - and lucky for us, adoption is one of them. She knows there are things that haven't gone as they were supposed to - like us paying money directly to the Ministry of Health - which is not supposed to be done according to government protocol. Eva Morgan has already been removed from her post at the Justice Ministry - Praise God!! She is the one who said, "This is not America. They don't need to eat three times a day." And in a meeting I was in and heard for myself, she said, "Poverty is no reason for placing a child for adoption. Why do we have so many adoptions? Do we need more support for families?" Duh!!!!!!

But even with her gone, we still have the people in charge at the Ministry of Health who are totally corrupt. We need to be heard at this meeting. We will be dining with the enemies...but that's ok because Psalm 23:5 says that even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. God guides and protects me, and He has prepared a table before my enemies. My cup overflows! Praise God!

I believe this is what we have been waiting for! President Sirleaf was warned by me as well as other key people that listening to those on the Presidential Adoption Committee would cause her great embarrassment. She has been listening to lies of the corrupt. And as Psalm 10 promises: "You [God] have seen it, for You have beheld mischief and vexation to take it into Your hand
The unfortunate commits himself to You; You have been the helper of the orphan. Break the arm of the wicked and the evildoer, seek out his wickedness until You find none. The LORD is King forever and ever; nations have perished from His land. O LORD, You have heard the desire of the humble; You will strengthen their heart, You will incline Your ear to vindicate the orphan and the oppressed, so that man who is of the earth will no longer cause terror." Hallelujah!

So please pray! Pray that the truth will be told and heard. Pray that those in attendance of the meeting will be open to hearing the side of the adoption service providers that has been silenced by those in power. Pray that God will open the doors wide for the children of Liberia to be helped through adoption.

I will be fasting and praying July 16 for the meeting and all those in attendance. There are some adoptive parents who have flown over there to attend the meeting. We have one family, but there are some from other agencies as well. Pray that they are heard. We also have one of our older boys going to speak. Pray for him, his name is Prince. Pray that He would speak the heart of God and be bold for all the orphans he represents! He is an amazing young man!

I'm excited! For the first time since the turn over of the orphanage, God has shown me a glimpse of what all the letters I have written and the battles I have fought might be about to help accomplish. The coolest thing? Maria Luiken of WACSN, who is Liberian, is responsible for this meeting! I have always wanted the Liberians to lead the charge. Maria is an amazing women! She is very much responsible for my son being home. She has been under great warfare as she has battled for the children. We may not agree on everything, Maria and I, but the two things we very much see eye to eye on is: 1) we work and fight for children! We do this because we are called of God and love the children of Liberia and 2) we don't care anything about who getting the credit for the battles, we just want the victory! We just want the band lifted and the corruption stopped so safe adoptions for children can pursue! May it be, in Jesus Name!

Will you fast and pray with me? We need warriors! Pass this along, please! We all know that truly, these people in power are not who we are fighting for they only have the power God allows them to have! Our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the powerful forces of evil in this dark world! We need warriors praying to send these evil forces back to the abyss!

Can you tell I'm excited! :) God is bringing a new thing....a stream in the desert! That is the first thing I thought of when Maria called and we talked and I knew that this meeting really is crucial. So this may be an all-nighter! I have five years of documentation to go through and send to her to get to the Minister for review before the meeting! But Praise God I have documentation of letters written and letters received! The truth is in them! The path of deception and corruption can be found weaved in them....and it's time for it to be told! Praise God!

For the "professional" version of the meeting prayer request :) go to our Addy's Hope News Blog.

Jehovah: I AM

I love it when truths wash over me and renew me from the inside out. God has been doing that a lot lately in me as I try to make peace with the past, live in the present and look to the future. This morning, that peace came through Isaiah 43:18-19: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland". Praise God!

As I read that this morning in my study of names of God in Embraced by the Father by Susanne Scheppmann, I had to stop at "forget the former things." In my human perception of things and my tunnel vision view, I am having a very hard time letting go of my faith walks that didn't turn out like I had planned. But as I read these words this morning, it was God whispering them in my ear..."Forget those things, let go. Do not dwell on those things! I have them in control. Look at the new thing I am doing! It is springing up! Don't miss it for looking backwards trying to figure out what you will never understand this side of heaven!" All these thoughts have passed through my mind before, but this morning, it was as if the Holy Spirit was spraying my mind and spirit with a power washer to release my thoughts and emotions to all that tied me to the orphanage I had to let go and the baby girls I never got to hold and other personal dreams that I know are God-given, God-willed desires that have yet to come to pass and greatly effect the way I view God.

Jehova, Yaweh: I AM! Who is He? How easily I have let the Christians around me and the circumstances I find myself in redefine God for me. He never changes...He is the same yesterday, today and forever! But I can get so wrapped up in the things people say about me, the way people criticize me, the circumstances that effect my day to day life that I forget who He really is!

He reminded me today of who He is! He is I AM! He is the one who sees my past and asks me to forget it! He asks me to look at what He is doing now. He needs me to move past that past so that He can do a new thing! I'm ready for a new thing! A new thing in my calling for children and orphans, a new thing in my family, a new thing in my personal struggles with sin. For the first time in a long time, I am excited about today and looking forward to tomorrow! Stay tuned...God is doing a new thing! It is springing up and I will perceive it, in Jesus Name!

My amazing daughter!

I truly have an amazing daughter! She is my oldest...my first born. John tells her all the time that we are so sorry that she has to be our guinea pig for parenting (he is the oldest too, so he relates!). Its true, though. Ten years ago, we were clueless as to how to be a parent. I wouldn't say we have it figured out now by any means, but I do think with age comes wisdom and at the very least, I have some of my priorities more in order than I did 10 years ago!

Callie is 10 going on 20! She has always been mature from her age...almost from the womb! Because of that, I think I take for granted her maturity in so many areas, and probably expect more from her than I should.

She has had a perception of the spiritual world from the beginning, I'm pretty sure. I know as soon as she could talk, she asked questions that I didn't even know to ask until I was almost an adult, like at 4 she says, "Mommy, how do you know when God is talking to you?" Me: "Well, He sounds like your voice, but you Know it is Him because you learn to know His voice." long pause: "Mommy, what if He tells me something different than you do" Me: "He won't. Right now He sounds a whole lot like me!" Ok, probably not one of my most positive moments in spiritual parenting, but I wasn't exactly ready for that from a 4 year old. Callie had a recurring "visitor" in her room from the time she could talk until she turned her life over to Jesus. His name was Red Rover. Even now, when she talks about it, I am amazed. She has seen and been spoken to by angels. She has an amazing heart for the less fortunate. She blossomed when Toben came home. She took him under her wing and has done the same with Baby Girl.

She already serves in our church by volunteering in the two year old class on Sunday mornings. I love to hear her talk about "her" babies! She loves those little ones...in fact, she has talked about moving up to the three year olds if there is room in the class for another volunteer because she misses the ones that have already moved into there. She also serves on the children's Praise Band in the Movers and Shakers! She goes around the house singing her songs and doing the motions! I love it!

All this is coming today, this morning because God woke me up at 5 for coffee! I love it when He does that! Morning has always been my favorite time of day. I love it when my house is quiet and it is just me, God, my coffee and my Bible! However, over the past couple of years as I have battled depression, mornings have turned into very hard times for me. So on mornings like this when He just wakes me up and speaks, I love it! Well, at 6, Callie's alarm goes off. She had set it so that she could get up and move her laundry from the washer to the dryer and then go back to bed! Seriously, what 10 year old does their own laundry (she is not required to do this) much less sets their alarm to get up and switch it?! I am blessed to have her as a daughter! She is amazing and I can't wait to see what God does with her life!

Callie Grace, I love you!!!!

~Mom

For My Children

I have put it off as long as I can. Kind of like the post about it! I want to send a video to my (well, God's children) at the home. I want them to know that "MOther HollyAnn" has not forgotten them. I want them to know that this is a good move that I fully support and believe is an answer to prayer!

A family is traveling next week, so I am sending it with them and have to get it in the mail. I am also sending some notes with Bibles to some older boys who will more than likely age out even if the adoptions open before we can get them out or boys that I just think need to know they are God chosen leaders...whether in Liberia or America!

So today may be hard, but when I am weak then He is strong! Love it!

Lover of Truth

So this is why you stay in the Word even during those times that it seems to bring nothing or your prayers seem to hit the ceiling...because if you keep at it, eventually, the ceiling will open up and His love and truth will pour down as it did this morning for me! I am basking in what He brought me that encouraged me beyond belief during this really difficult time.

Turning over the orphanage has left all kinds of doubts. And satan takes those and runs with them. I have tried to battle them, but really, as tired as I am of battles, I have allowed myself to just lay down and wallow in some of the doubts. But this morning, the Holy Spirit picked me up and brushed me off and said, "We need to get moving! There is a mountain ahead that you will miss if you stay in this valley. There is more valley ahead and the mountain to climb to get to the top, but if we don't get moving, we will never make it." So I am walking again!

I ordered a book several weeks ago called Embraced by the Father. It is evident in my struggles that I truly don't know the character of God. If I truly understood WHO He is, I wouldn't struggle with many of the doubts and unbelief that surface right now. So I felt led of the Spirit to do some studying of WHO God is. I have started and stopped this book throughout the past few weeks as I have struggled through this time. But this morning, God reminded me why I MUST know WHO He is and stay in the Word! And boy am I glad I did!

This morning was on El Shaddai - The All Sufficient One. Even as I wrote that title on my journal to begin the study, I kind of rolled my eyes. I know, not so respectful to the Almighty, Creator, but it was where I was. He hasn't felt so All Sufficient lately. But that's the great thing about God - He doesn't change with how I "feel"!

I am so encouraged to be reminded from 2 Cor 12 that when I am weak, that is when He is strong. This time in my life right now is a time for Him to shine like no other! I am beat down, discouraged and feel totally inadequate. So this is a time when He can swoop into my life and show me how I can be strong in Him in all these areas! The outside world might never see a difference, but I will know, and hopefully it will be reflected somehow to the outsie world, that every step I take is because God has given me the power to do so and He will receive the glory for it!

The last of the author's chapter sums it up for me:

"[speaking of Sarah and Abraham] Sarah chose to dance with El Shaddai. Although she laughed at first, she decided to believe he could do what He said He could do. Sarah put aside her deficiency to allow His sufficiency to lead her to the path of motherhood. She knew that God Almighty was enough, is enough and will always be enough. Me too. I know that despite my lack of proficiency in any task, if God Almighty - the All Sufficient One - wills it for me, He will lead me in the perfect divine cadence to accomplish it."

I am encouraged!!

The "Thing"

It's now 2:00 am. The Thing I didn't want to do is done!

I haven't blogged about it because there were many steps before I really felt comfortable talking about it publicly. Now that its out there, I'm sure posts about how we got here, how I've gotten here, wherever "here" is, will come.

For now, let me just say, it's been hard...well...hard doesn't even begin to describe it. Why was it so hard? I can give you many reasons....some make sense...some are excuses...some you would understand....some you wouldn't.

There have been many steps in the process of turning over the orphanage to Lifesong and Master's Home of Champions. When the decision was first made, and everyone agreed to make the transition, there was relief. The burden of feeding 40+ children and paying the salaries of 16+ staff (who then feed their families both immediate and extended) every month has been a heavy one. God has been faithful. I don't ever want to go without giving Him full credit for the blessings He has poured out on us as we struggled this year and a half. But almost every month our checking account would literally go to less than $100. I would know that there would be a phone call or e-mail saying they were on their last bag of rice. John and I have supported it personally until we almost put ourselves in personal financial ruin. But that is a post for another time! So having that burden lifted by Lifesong taking over was a huge...well...relief doesn't really describe it...but it is the best I have.

But like any good idea, it has to come to fruition. With each step that brought us closer to the reality of Addy's Hope no longer having an orphanage, the harder it became. The last couple of weeks have been agony. There is no other word for it. The process has put me in a crisis of faith that I haven't seen since I came home from Africa without Eden.

I always get blasted when I put that on here....that I have a crisis of faith...but I am here to tell you if you haven't had a crisis of faith yet, then you probably aren't doing anything with your faith! I know very few people who are walking a life totally sold out to Jesus that don't have crisis of faith. When you walk by faith and not by site, things just don't look like we are used to them looking....that rocks your world. As I always say, it is not the crisis that is an issue, it is what you do with it that is! Even as recent as yesterday, I wasn't sure I would make it out of this crisis. I was ready to sit right down in the valley and stay there.

I know that's wrong! I know all the "right" answers. But the thought that backing off of God's work would bring less attacks..well..that sounds pretty good! It would not be truthful to say any different!

What do you do when the thing that you have poured five years of your life into seems to come to a crashing halt? Not a nice little end that you can put a bow on and has no lose ends or frayed edges? This ending has more questions than answers! It has left me wondering how I will take any step of faith from this point forward. The thing that has taken me to the brink of insanity more than once over the past five years, the thing that has strained my marriage more than any other one thing in the past twelve years, the thing that has taken me from my children more than any other thing in this life....it is ending with what by my human eyes seems to be worthless results. Don't get me wrong, I see the value in Lifesong and Master's Home of Champions taking it over! I truly am excited to see what God does with it now....but why couldn't He have done that through Addy's Hope? Not because I care what name is on it, but because I love the children. Because I had that vision and would like to have seen it fulfilled. Because I have had to give up more dreams in this life than I have seen fulfilled....and I'm not talking earthly, worldly dreams! I am talking God-given visions for Kingdom work.

I don't understand it. I know that I will grow through this. In fact, as I e-mailed Emmanuel and the Knapps just a little bit ago, God brought to mind what has come to be knows as my "least favorite scripture", James 1:2-4, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." As I always say, the only problem with that, is that there is an assumption that you want maturity! Lately, maturity hasn't been on the top of my list...in fact, throwing myself on the floor and pounding my fists sounds much more appealing!

I have questioned everything from my ability to hear God all the way to His actual existence. Why? Why does a Christian who truly desires to serve and love God with all her heart end up in this place - a place where she even questions His mere existence? I am sure there are many reasons, but as God showed me tonight, one of the biggest is pride. I hate my flesh! I hate the fact that I feel entitled to anything in this life after God sent His only Son knowing the fate He would have. I hate it knowing that Jesus faced far more undeserved persecution than ever I will and endured it all because He loves me! But no matter how much I hate it, its there! When I have been at my lowest the past couple of weeks, I have actually said the words. I have actually spoken with my mouth the vile pride that says I deserve something because I have chosen God's way.

Even in choosing God's way, I deserve death. I deserve death because I am a sinner! No matter how hard I try, I will always be a sinner! That is what happened at the fall! But God saved me! And because of that I owe Him my life....heartache and all...I owe Him.

God,
Forgive me for my unbelief. Forgive me for my selfish ways. Thank You for saving me. Thank You that even when I have turned my back on you over the past few weeks, Your Word says you have never left me nor forsaken me. Thank you that those words are true whether I believe them or not! Your love amazes me! It brings me to my knees and puts me on my face! As I have said so many times through this ordeal, may it bring You glory and praise! Even out of the pitiful acts of selfishness I have committed these last weeks, may You be glorified and praised! God help me do better! May I look more like you now than when this started.
I love you, Abba!
~Your Daughter

It's Done!

Thank you Lord for grating me the strength, the words, the opportunity.

It's Done!

It is here.

The thing I don't want to do...

It's 11:34
I can't sleep
My house is quiet
My mind will not be

There is something I need to do
Something I don't want to do
Something I have needed to do for some time
Something I don't know how to do
Something that has grown harder with each step
Even as I got out of bed knowing I wouldn't sleep until it was done...
I found things to do to procrastinate doing it
Like totally messing up my blog while trying to redesigning it

I can put it off no longer
Slow obedience is no obedience
God has said to do it
I must do it
I don't know how
I sit with my Bible beside me
I will read until I know how
Until I have the words and more than that, the strength

It is a good thing
It is a God thing
More good than not
so many questions
So few answers

It is time
"If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all." ~Isaiah 7:9
Lord, help my unbelief!

Lifesong for Orphans

This banner has great signficance to me...more to come....