Since we entered the world of adoption 10 years ago, it has taken me to many hard places. But even through all the hard places, I never lost my heart for the orphan...until recently.
I don't know what happened. I don't know if it was a culmination of all that happened in Liberia, the accusations and insults of adoptive parents, bringing a teenager into our home, other personal struggles with Go or if it is just the refining fire of God in my life. Whatever the reason, over the past year I can see where the fire in me that has burned for the orphan and the people desiring to care for them has been snuffed out. I have lost the desire to really work for families or children. I have refused my calling. I know it is my choice because Romans 11:29 says, "the gifts and calling of God are irrevocable". He hasn't taken anything from me, but I have chosen to walk away!
Even before we started Addy's Hope five and a half years ago, I "worked" for a different adoption agency talking to people about adoption and even doing a couple of seminars on adoption. I say "worked" because it was a voluntary position! But I LOVED it! At that time Noah's adoption was the only personal story I had, but it was enough. My heart was on fire for orphans, and I was realizing the calling God has placed on my life for orphans and families wanting to care for them. It was so exciting! I felt like I could conquer any obstacle. I had faith that could move mountains....then Liberia happened.
I still don't understand that four years. I celebrate the children who came home, but my heart will always grieve those who didn't make it. My heart will always hurt with the families who had to give up hope (some still hold on and they are my heroes!) as we did for Eden. Even those families who don't understand why I would not stoop to illegal measure or dance with the devil to get children home, I hurt even for them. No matter who you are, when you love a child that remains half way around the world, I can relate!
I don't understand what happened. I don't understand why mine as well as hundreds of other's prayers were not answered in the events of Liberia. I don't understand why my faith and my trust and my belief didn't prevail! That time of my life when I was meeting with the Vice President, many government officials as well as legislatures in Liberia seems like a life time away! Somewhere over the past 18 months, that woman who fought those battles and believed she could conquer any obstacle if God was on her side left the building! She let doubt, disbelief and the lies of the enemy creep in and steal away her heart for the children and the families loving them. Her heart became hard. Her wounds over took her. I miss her!
I've said to John many times over the past few months, "I miss who I used to be." I wasn't sure how to get me back! I have never stopped spending daily time in the word. I have not stopped praying or asking God to restore me. Yet despite these disciplines, it has been a dark night of the soul. God hasn't spoken much. When He has, I have hung on it with my every ounce of being...but then the silence again, and the dark cloud would move in once again.
I know some of this is spiritual. I know that when I walk closely with God and have visions and dreams for furthering His Kingdom, the enemy will stop at nothing to stop me (or you!). But I also know that there are times that God is silent to require us to press in closer. I also know that whatever "causes" these dark times, God will is near. He has not left me.
I am reminded of that this morning! A dream of mine since we started Addy's' Hope was to be able to walk with other Christians as they pursue adoption. At the time we started Addy's Hope, we were at a church that really didn't welcome that. But God has placed us at a new church these past couple of years that has a heart for adoption! I don't know what my role will be in that, but I am ready and waiting for whatever it is! For right now, it is teaching a class created by Hope for Orphans called "If You Were Mine". It is an introduction for people considering adoption. I was reviewing it this morning preparing for the first session on Sunday. I have been waiting for the fire to come back. I knew God told me to offer to lead the class as I am tired of sitting in a pew and know that adoption and orphan ministry is one area I can lead in at a church. But I did it out of obedience not necessarily out of a desire to lead a class on adoption. In fact, in our current adoption experience, I find it hard to encourage people to adopt.
But as I listened to the video for the first session this morning, I felt some embers burn again! Praise God! I was reminded why I believe in adoption. It is not because it is worth it in a worldly way. I mean, who would intentionally cause themselves heartache, increase chances of rejection, put increased financial burdens, commit to emotional overload and exhausting just for fun? Not many! But I was reminded today that adoption is the bigger picture! Taking these children into our home is the gospel brought to reality and flesh for a dying world. When I take in a child who has nothing to offer me but rejection and despair, I am doing exactly what Jesus did for me when He went to the cross knowing I would complain and moan about my calling! But here's the thing. Because adoption is a bigger picture, it is literally beyond myself! I cannot love these children, especially the ones from hard places, without the love of Christ in me first. It requires my total surrender to Him to love them. My love is a selfish, very conditional, very limited love. That is all the love the world has to offer. Sadly, that is the realm I have been operating in for the most part the past few months. But I was reminded this morning that the love of Christ, the love that lives in me and I have full access to love my children through is a self-less, unconditional, limitless love! It can give even when not being received. The video reminded me of the truths of adoption! Mine (spiritually) and my children's (physically)! It amazes me how easily my perspective shifted. It amazes me how quickly the fire went out with just a couple of lies from the enemy that I then allowed to put out the fire burning in me for orphans and families. I'm ready to ignite those fires again! I'm ready to walk in all that God has for me and my family. I'm ready to be an example of the gospel again and love these children in a way that shows them Jesus! And I'm ready to stand before a group of people at the beginning of the adoption journey and tell them, "You can do it! It's worth it!" - and MEAN it!
Thank You, God for fanning the flames this morning! Thank you for the truths that were spoken that reminded me of why I do this crazy thing I do! Thank you for reminding me that The Church is the answer to a fallen world. Without the fall, there would be no orphans! But there was a fall, there are orphans, and The Church has to be the answer...and in being the answer, we will point a dying and hopeless world to YOU! Thank you for never leaving me and never giving up on me even when I give up on You! Now help me love these six children who have come in fifty times just while trying to write this blog! :)
Monday, May 30, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
The Rain
When I went to bed last night, I had a peace I haven't had in months. Yesterday couldn't have been more perfect!
I have a confession to make. When I left the house yesterday, I wasn't all that excited about the day. In fact, I kind of just wanted to get it over with. I didn't want to have to pretend like I had all these warm and fuzzy feelings that I really didn't have. But this is a testimony of the power and blessing of obedience! Despite my less-than-excited feelings, I made time before we left to ask friends to pray for the spiritual side of our day - that this act would bring about supernatural healing for Paizley in all the broken places of her heart - and I spent time in prayer myself. But I have to say it was more of a check list thing - prayer: check! But God can use even our checklist actions to work for His good!
I'm not sure when things changed, but I think it happened when I was on the stand being asked if we understood that we were accepting her as our child forever with all the rights and responsibilities of a blood born child. As I looked back and forth from the lawyer to Paizley, as I saw the excitement mixed with fear in her eyes, my hardened heart softened. I wanted her to know my heart's desire! What I didn't realize is what must have been occurring in the heavenlies at that moment! I still don't know for sure, but it was big whatever it was!
The day truly was perfect. Even as I blogged and posted the pictures last night, I wasn't totally aware as I am this morning of what had transpired yesterday! I had a very hard time going to sleep because for the first time in months I was at peace - perfect peace. That sounds like I should have fallen right to sleep, right? Well, I wouldn't let myself because that peace has been so hard to come by these past few months that I was afraid falling asleep would put me back in the place of unrest. I eventually dosed off....
I woke suddenly to a noise on my window. I laid motionless to hear again. It was rain! After almost a year of drought, it was raining! I immediately said a prayer of thanks and rolled over to go to sleep. I woke up again when John got out of bed to check and make sure the sunroom wasn't leaking. I hadn't realized how hard it was raining! I kind of half joked with myself, "Oh God, you sent rain for us!" Meaning for John and me! Several months ago we had a word spoken over us about refreshment and the latter rain. John even had a dream about rain and felt it had spiritual significance. Little did I know that little joke was much more I now believe.
After a couple of kids coming in afraid of the thunder and a couple more trips to check the sun room leak, we went back to sleep. I was startled awake again by a rapid knock on my door and a very scared "Mom?!" Took me a minute to realize it wasn't one of the little kids. It was Paizley, "I'm scared!" Without sharing details, let me just say I immediately knew the significance of yesterday's events! I also knew in that moment that the rain was for us! Not saying it was only for us, but totally know that God used it as an encouragement that HIS rain has started! Physically and for our house spiritually! A great victory was won in the heavenlies yesterday! I don't begin to understand it. I have felt spiritually ill-equipped to handle and complete overwhelmed through this journey since Paizley came to live with us. I know that we underestimate the spiritual aspect of what goes on in adoptions! I am learning that full well! But I know that the enemy is ticked off! He knows his time with this precious young lady is coming to a close! He may have had access to her in the past, but she now belongs to a home that is covered with the Blood and he will no longer have that access to her! Praise God!
I haven't spoken a lot about this side of things because - well, even when I talk about them with John or close friends, I feel weird. I sound like a freak describing a sci-fi movie! But I am guessing there are other adoptive families out there dealing with spiritual battles that they may not even know are spiritual! I don't want them to feel alone! I want families who are about to embark on an adoption journey to be more prepared spiritually than we ever have been to handle what my be coming their way! We, as adoption professionals, talk about all kinds of things to prepare families, but I have never heard anyone talk about what may be entering your home spiritually! I am not a hyper spiritual person and am sure not saying to look for a demon under every rock or go crazy on this thing, but the last 24 hours have proven very enlightening in this matter of adoption and the spirit realm! With the finalization of this adoption - with the words spoken by me, John and Paizley yesterday, we made a covenant! We made a decision to be a family. We created a physical picture of what Jesus did for each of us at the cross and we then accept his adoption of us as His children by entering a personal relationship with Him! By so doing, we took back ground that is rightfully ours from the enemy! He no longer has open season on one sweet young soul! Oh sweet victory! Not sure my feet will touch the floor today! And it has been a LONG time since I have "felt" that way! Thank you, Jesus!!!
And for all you friends who stood by us in prayer, THANK YOU! You may not have even known what you were praying for or about, but He did and He answered your prayers! I have no doubt that it was the prayers that stormed heaven that allowed the events of yesterday to break free what they did in the spiritual realm! When I didn't have the strength to pray it myself, you did! Thank you!
I have a confession to make. When I left the house yesterday, I wasn't all that excited about the day. In fact, I kind of just wanted to get it over with. I didn't want to have to pretend like I had all these warm and fuzzy feelings that I really didn't have. But this is a testimony of the power and blessing of obedience! Despite my less-than-excited feelings, I made time before we left to ask friends to pray for the spiritual side of our day - that this act would bring about supernatural healing for Paizley in all the broken places of her heart - and I spent time in prayer myself. But I have to say it was more of a check list thing - prayer: check! But God can use even our checklist actions to work for His good!
I'm not sure when things changed, but I think it happened when I was on the stand being asked if we understood that we were accepting her as our child forever with all the rights and responsibilities of a blood born child. As I looked back and forth from the lawyer to Paizley, as I saw the excitement mixed with fear in her eyes, my hardened heart softened. I wanted her to know my heart's desire! What I didn't realize is what must have been occurring in the heavenlies at that moment! I still don't know for sure, but it was big whatever it was!
The day truly was perfect. Even as I blogged and posted the pictures last night, I wasn't totally aware as I am this morning of what had transpired yesterday! I had a very hard time going to sleep because for the first time in months I was at peace - perfect peace. That sounds like I should have fallen right to sleep, right? Well, I wouldn't let myself because that peace has been so hard to come by these past few months that I was afraid falling asleep would put me back in the place of unrest. I eventually dosed off....
I woke suddenly to a noise on my window. I laid motionless to hear again. It was rain! After almost a year of drought, it was raining! I immediately said a prayer of thanks and rolled over to go to sleep. I woke up again when John got out of bed to check and make sure the sunroom wasn't leaking. I hadn't realized how hard it was raining! I kind of half joked with myself, "Oh God, you sent rain for us!" Meaning for John and me! Several months ago we had a word spoken over us about refreshment and the latter rain. John even had a dream about rain and felt it had spiritual significance. Little did I know that little joke was much more I now believe.
After a couple of kids coming in afraid of the thunder and a couple more trips to check the sun room leak, we went back to sleep. I was startled awake again by a rapid knock on my door and a very scared "Mom?!" Took me a minute to realize it wasn't one of the little kids. It was Paizley, "I'm scared!" Without sharing details, let me just say I immediately knew the significance of yesterday's events! I also knew in that moment that the rain was for us! Not saying it was only for us, but totally know that God used it as an encouragement that HIS rain has started! Physically and for our house spiritually! A great victory was won in the heavenlies yesterday! I don't begin to understand it. I have felt spiritually ill-equipped to handle and complete overwhelmed through this journey since Paizley came to live with us. I know that we underestimate the spiritual aspect of what goes on in adoptions! I am learning that full well! But I know that the enemy is ticked off! He knows his time with this precious young lady is coming to a close! He may have had access to her in the past, but she now belongs to a home that is covered with the Blood and he will no longer have that access to her! Praise God!
I haven't spoken a lot about this side of things because - well, even when I talk about them with John or close friends, I feel weird. I sound like a freak describing a sci-fi movie! But I am guessing there are other adoptive families out there dealing with spiritual battles that they may not even know are spiritual! I don't want them to feel alone! I want families who are about to embark on an adoption journey to be more prepared spiritually than we ever have been to handle what my be coming their way! We, as adoption professionals, talk about all kinds of things to prepare families, but I have never heard anyone talk about what may be entering your home spiritually! I am not a hyper spiritual person and am sure not saying to look for a demon under every rock or go crazy on this thing, but the last 24 hours have proven very enlightening in this matter of adoption and the spirit realm! With the finalization of this adoption - with the words spoken by me, John and Paizley yesterday, we made a covenant! We made a decision to be a family. We created a physical picture of what Jesus did for each of us at the cross and we then accept his adoption of us as His children by entering a personal relationship with Him! By so doing, we took back ground that is rightfully ours from the enemy! He no longer has open season on one sweet young soul! Oh sweet victory! Not sure my feet will touch the floor today! And it has been a LONG time since I have "felt" that way! Thank you, Jesus!!!
And for all you friends who stood by us in prayer, THANK YOU! You may not have even known what you were praying for or about, but He did and He answered your prayers! I have no doubt that it was the prayers that stormed heaven that allowed the events of yesterday to break free what they did in the spiritual realm! When I didn't have the strength to pray it myself, you did! Thank you!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
The Journey: Introducing Paizley Ruth Petree
"God sets the lonely in families" ~Psalm 68:6I am pleased to introduce to you our newest (legal) addition: Paizley Ruth Petree (standing with Judge Hatch who just ordered it to be so!)! We are official now!
We went to court today! I prayed that it would be a spiritual and loving experience, and my prayers were answered! I took the stand to testify to our intentions with Paizley. As the lawyer asked me if we understood what adopting her meant, I replied, "Yes, We want her forever." Paizley looked at me and grinned. Then in what had to be a diving move, he said, "You understand that adoption is just like if you had given birth to her by blood." These words were profound because Paizley's last foster placement had told her that "you" can't love other children like your blood. These words haunt her often. My heart smiled when the lawyer used these exact words! I sat a little taller, looked straight into Paizley's eyes across the room and choked out, "Yes, I understand and that is our desire." She smiled back through her own tears. I pray that those words and that moment in time are etched in her mind and heart forever, erasing previous words and settling in her heart forever that I love her the same as any child I gave birth to.
When it was over, Judge Hatch came down off the stand and mingled with all of us. It was just a sweet time! There really was a team of people that worked on this adoption. Even the judge commented on the thorough report done by the social worker for the case. Erin, her CPS worker was amazing! She is the reason that we could find her on TARE on October and have her in our home by the end of November! Our Buckner case worker drove all the way up to Lubbock to be there. And we are very thankful she did because she babysat all the other kids (Baby Girl being the one needing it most!) during the actual court proceedings! This is the team that worked so diligently to get us to this day!
It truly was a wonderful day! A time of refreshing and reminding me of why it is we do this thing we do, both as a family and as a professional! Yes the past six months have been hard, and we will have more hard times to come, but it - SHE is worth it! Today reminded me that placing a child in a family is worth whatever heart ache it takes to make it happen and make it last! Buckner gave us a ton of presents that all made me cry! One was a flip calendar on love. The one for today was so fitting as I read it out loud to her. It was about "choosing" love and getting rid of all escape routes in any relationship you have! Wow! Perfect timing....for her and me! And it is so true! Today was significant in that it solidified our desire to get rid of all escape routes! She is ours! Period!
Judge Hatch has a tradition of letting new adoptees pick a stuffed animal from his office. He told her he knew that she might not be as young as some, but offered it to her anyway, and of course she took him up on it! And this is what she chose! Just another reminder of the little girl who never got to be a little girl...until now! Sweet moment!
But God wasn't done with us yet! After court we went to the mall. A precious friend is doing a photo shoot with Paizley this Saturday for her sweet sixteen pictures, so she wanted to get a new outfit. Shopping is always a bit of a conflicting experience, so it was tense at times. But on our way out of the mall, I saw that the Heart Gallery (how we learned about her back in October) was set up. She had one more store she wanted to look in and while I was in there, I remembered that we hadn't received her heart gallery picture like we had been told we would. Just made a mental note to call Erin to see when we might could get that. I didn't know if she would want to look at the Heart Gallery pictures or not. Sometimes she can be very sensitive about these things and I wasn't sure what the temperature was today. I kind of headed that direction to look at just a few of them. She followed and got excited when she recognized a couple of the kids. She became sad when she showed me one young man who was in an adoptive placement in that foster home I mentioned earlier, but found out today that foster family (you know the one who told her they couldn't love another like blood) backed out on him. Her heart broke for him. If anyone is looking for a 13 year old boy who wants badly to be in a family, I have a little man for you! We continued around the pictures, and I hear her say, "It's me!" I thought she was joking! But sure enough, there she was! Her Heart Gallery picture was right there with her profile just like all the rest! Seeing my daughter's picture looking for a family was a little surreal! Then seeing her standing beside it and hearing her read the words that we read off a computer screen 7 months ago - our introduction to her - was, well, not really any words to describe it!
My favorite part? It's the little sign hanging on the top left corner - "Family Selected"! Yep, on the day we finalized, God gave me a perfect picture of His redemptive power! From a little girl smiling into a camera, dreaming - but never really believing - that someone would see that picture and choose her as their forever daughter to the beautiful young woman standing right beside it - no more piercings, I might add (a post for another day)- confident in her new found role as daughter! Just a perfect picture!
"I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you" ~John 14:18
Going to bed the blessed mom to 7 amazing children! Looking forward to the day Baby Girl's face doesn't have to be blurred and she too is legally ours! Thank you, God despite my doubts, my fears, my insecurities and my many failures as a mother, you have allowed me to call these mine! Thank you for today and the reminders of how blessed I am to be on this journey, as hard as it is, with this amazing young woman!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
My Baby Boy
It's almost midnight. The house is quiet. I don't seem to have the house to myself when all are asleep and all is quiet much these days. Since I have some quiet moments and I don't think I could sleep if I laid my head down, I figured I would sit and reflect on some things that were shared with me today. Not anything new, but words that have been resonating in my head and need to move them to my heart. Even though I am almost to week 34 and only 5 weeks and 2 days away from scheduled delivery, I have not had time (nor taken the time) to process and truly connect with this baby like I did the girls. Obviously life was a little different with my first two births. But regardless of what life is like right now, this baby deserves the same celebration, reflection and attention that was given to the girls...and to the adoptions of the others! So I'm going to trust God to replace my sleep tonight and spend some time with my Baby Boy!
My Dearest Baby Boy,
Wow! Where have the past 8 months gone? Seems like just yesterday I was sitting there staring at a white stick wondering how life would change because of two little lines! So many emotions! So many feelings! Excitement, shock, fear - what will your Daddy say???? - apprehension, awe, love...they were all there! Then we go to the first sonogram not even knowing for sure how old you are yet, and no heart beat. More emotions! More confusion. There has never been a more unplanned baby by two parents. But there has never been a more planned baby by God. I haven't really stopped to think about that, really. I have said it in passing. I've made the comment in order to not make us look stupid or crazy for having baby number seven at such an advanced maternal age...but to really sit and reflect on what it means that even in our unplanning of your life, you were conceived...as I told the details of the total shock of finding out I was pregnant today, I was struck by the person's excitement that I was telling. He smiled from ear to ear and said, "Talk about destiny! You know something big is happening with this baby!" Daddy and I believe EVERY baby born is of God - no matter the circumstances or the means of conception! But it truly is exciting to sit and realize the ways we "prevented" a life and yet God worked through it all to bring you into existence! NOTHING could have been further from our minds than having a baby! We had just committed to Paizley the week before we found out I was pregnant. We were making arrangements to bring in a teenager...not a newborn! We were dreaming of cars and proms not diapers and bottles!
But even as I type this watching my belly move beneath my arms, I am in awe that God would bless us with your life despite our means of prevention! As I heard my friend talk today about the big plans God must have for you, my spirit jumped for joy! I am reminded of Pastor Daniel's talk a few weeks back about Luke 1. We see onesies and nursery decorations, but God sees a life, a man, a destiny! God has every one of your days ordained already! He is knitting you together perfectly in my womb! You are fearfully and wonderfully made already! God has a plan for you in His kingdom calendar that required you to come to earth NOW! Right at this moment...even if Mommy and Daddy were too selfish or worldly or consumed or whatever to know it!
I haven't seen you yet, but I love you! I haven't had time to sing to you like I did the girls, but I know you hear my voice plenty as I talk to all your brothers and sisters! I can't say that I don't have fears Mr. Number Seven! I can't say that I don't worry that you will get lost in the crowd at times, that I don't worry about not having the time to just sit and hold you and relish in your newborn babiness! But I trust that God in His divine wisdom and knowledge knew that when He created you! He knew exactly what our life would be like in June 2011 when you were to arrive!
From the moment we told that we were pregnant, God has been speaking about your life and it's purposes! I am in awe! God has taken me to Luke 1 again and again as Elizabeth and Mary speak of the babies in their wombs. I don't pretend to be carrying the Messiah or even the one to prepare the way for the Messiah, but I know God has used those versus to prepare me to be your mommy! He has used them to help me accept His plan for my life and yours! He has used them to show me that He has huge plans for little bitty babies just like you who are not even breathing air yet!
We aren't sharing your name yet, but I pray you will love it! Your name has come out of all the words spoken about you during my pregnancy! It has significant meaning, and my prayer is that every time it is spoken, you are reminded of the purposes and plans God has for you!
Just a few weeks and I will hold you! Until then I will try not to complain too much about my swollen ankles or aching back! I will press on through the fatigue, and I will relish every kick to the rib and punch to the bladder! I will miss knowing I can fully protect and comfort you in my womb and feeling your ever present presence there! For I know that as soon as I see your face, your journey will have begun in this world! A world that has an enemy that seeks to kill , steal and destroy! But Baby Boy, even in this evil world, there is One who will rescue you and provide you with a life here and for eternity that is like none other - a life that He has already started speaking into even before your heart beat was detected - a life with a perfect plan for hope and a future! And I will spend my life telling you about Him! I am so thankful that God has created you! You may not have been in my plan, but you have always been in His~ never forget that!
Love,
Mommy
My Dearest Baby Boy,
Wow! Where have the past 8 months gone? Seems like just yesterday I was sitting there staring at a white stick wondering how life would change because of two little lines! So many emotions! So many feelings! Excitement, shock, fear - what will your Daddy say???? - apprehension, awe, love...they were all there! Then we go to the first sonogram not even knowing for sure how old you are yet, and no heart beat. More emotions! More confusion. There has never been a more unplanned baby by two parents. But there has never been a more planned baby by God. I haven't really stopped to think about that, really. I have said it in passing. I've made the comment in order to not make us look stupid or crazy for having baby number seven at such an advanced maternal age...but to really sit and reflect on what it means that even in our unplanning of your life, you were conceived...as I told the details of the total shock of finding out I was pregnant today, I was struck by the person's excitement that I was telling. He smiled from ear to ear and said, "Talk about destiny! You know something big is happening with this baby!" Daddy and I believe EVERY baby born is of God - no matter the circumstances or the means of conception! But it truly is exciting to sit and realize the ways we "prevented" a life and yet God worked through it all to bring you into existence! NOTHING could have been further from our minds than having a baby! We had just committed to Paizley the week before we found out I was pregnant. We were making arrangements to bring in a teenager...not a newborn! We were dreaming of cars and proms not diapers and bottles!
But even as I type this watching my belly move beneath my arms, I am in awe that God would bless us with your life despite our means of prevention! As I heard my friend talk today about the big plans God must have for you, my spirit jumped for joy! I am reminded of Pastor Daniel's talk a few weeks back about Luke 1. We see onesies and nursery decorations, but God sees a life, a man, a destiny! God has every one of your days ordained already! He is knitting you together perfectly in my womb! You are fearfully and wonderfully made already! God has a plan for you in His kingdom calendar that required you to come to earth NOW! Right at this moment...even if Mommy and Daddy were too selfish or worldly or consumed or whatever to know it!
I haven't seen you yet, but I love you! I haven't had time to sing to you like I did the girls, but I know you hear my voice plenty as I talk to all your brothers and sisters! I can't say that I don't have fears Mr. Number Seven! I can't say that I don't worry that you will get lost in the crowd at times, that I don't worry about not having the time to just sit and hold you and relish in your newborn babiness! But I trust that God in His divine wisdom and knowledge knew that when He created you! He knew exactly what our life would be like in June 2011 when you were to arrive!
From the moment we told that we were pregnant, God has been speaking about your life and it's purposes! I am in awe! God has taken me to Luke 1 again and again as Elizabeth and Mary speak of the babies in their wombs. I don't pretend to be carrying the Messiah or even the one to prepare the way for the Messiah, but I know God has used those versus to prepare me to be your mommy! He has used them to help me accept His plan for my life and yours! He has used them to show me that He has huge plans for little bitty babies just like you who are not even breathing air yet!
We aren't sharing your name yet, but I pray you will love it! Your name has come out of all the words spoken about you during my pregnancy! It has significant meaning, and my prayer is that every time it is spoken, you are reminded of the purposes and plans God has for you!
Just a few weeks and I will hold you! Until then I will try not to complain too much about my swollen ankles or aching back! I will press on through the fatigue, and I will relish every kick to the rib and punch to the bladder! I will miss knowing I can fully protect and comfort you in my womb and feeling your ever present presence there! For I know that as soon as I see your face, your journey will have begun in this world! A world that has an enemy that seeks to kill , steal and destroy! But Baby Boy, even in this evil world, there is One who will rescue you and provide you with a life here and for eternity that is like none other - a life that He has already started speaking into even before your heart beat was detected - a life with a perfect plan for hope and a future! And I will spend my life telling you about Him! I am so thankful that God has created you! You may not have been in my plan, but you have always been in His~ never forget that!
Love,
Mommy
Friday, May 13, 2011
A Night to Remember....
A night to remember...ha! John and I had a good laugh as we reflected on our date tonight! So what do parents of 6 with one due in a month do on a date night? Let's see...one of our mission teams from our church had an amazing fund raising idea to keep kids for a parents' night out and of course we took full advantage of it! Dropped the kids off at the church and we were ready for a HOT date!
First stop, Sam's! We needed toilet paper! While we were there, we had our romantic dinner over chili dogs at the Sam's Deli. Where do you go from a great start to a date like that? Well, how about to Best Buy to replace your computer that crashed earlier in the week! Wait, just in case you are jealous, it gets better! We headed to the mall. We needed a couple of gifts for this weekend, and I got my eyebrows waxed! :) Now you are really jealous, aren't you?!
We topped off the evening by taking a trip to Lowe's to look at concrete stain.
And that my friends was a fabulous evening! Because when you are mom and dad to 6-almost 7 kids, any evening without a diaper or quarrel is F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S!
Now, I'm putting my tired mommy body to bed! Good Night!
First stop, Sam's! We needed toilet paper! While we were there, we had our romantic dinner over chili dogs at the Sam's Deli. Where do you go from a great start to a date like that? Well, how about to Best Buy to replace your computer that crashed earlier in the week! Wait, just in case you are jealous, it gets better! We headed to the mall. We needed a couple of gifts for this weekend, and I got my eyebrows waxed! :) Now you are really jealous, aren't you?!
We topped off the evening by taking a trip to Lowe's to look at concrete stain.
And that my friends was a fabulous evening! Because when you are mom and dad to 6-almost 7 kids, any evening without a diaper or quarrel is F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S!
Now, I'm putting my tired mommy body to bed! Good Night!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
A Secret No More!
We got a bit more news at the doctor than we planned last week! As soon as the sono tech put the wand on my abdomen, I was pretty sure I was looking at something telling. I didn't have to wander long because she froze it and started typing on the screen. It was one of those moments where you feel like you are running in slow motion! I was pretty sure what she was typing, but couldn't process it fast enough to say something or even sure I wanted to say something! It came letter by letter - S-T-I-L-L A B-O-Y! I said, "Oh! We didn't know!" She took it off the screen really fast....like that would make me forget!
So looks like we are having a baby boy! All the kids were thrilled as they all wanted a boy..except Ava. She said she was ok with it if we would name him Justin Beiber! Guess she won't be ok with it!
I am not thrilled that we know, but making the best of it and getting clothes and such ready! I am thrilled that we are having another boy! We were getting a little heavy on the pink side, so this will help us be a little blue-er around here!
We have a name picked out. It has significant meaning. But we are not sharing the name yet. Still working on the middle name. But at least now we know what name to focus on!
So looks like we are having a baby boy! All the kids were thrilled as they all wanted a boy..except Ava. She said she was ok with it if we would name him Justin Beiber! Guess she won't be ok with it!
I am not thrilled that we know, but making the best of it and getting clothes and such ready! I am thrilled that we are having another boy! We were getting a little heavy on the pink side, so this will help us be a little blue-er around here!
We have a name picked out. It has significant meaning. But we are not sharing the name yet. Still working on the middle name. But at least now we know what name to focus on!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Buckner Devotion
May is Foster Month and Buckner evidently send out a daily devotion via e-mail. One of the local Buckner workers asked me if I would write a devotion for it. Little intimidating, but thought surly with all my blogging and crazy experiences, I could come up with a devotion...so this is the result! :)
“Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win.” I Corinthians 9: 24
I am not a runner and have never run a race. But I recently watched our 15 year old run in her first track meet. She did not win first prize, but we could not have been prouder of her! She ran in such a way to win. She quit track the first day. It was too hard. John and I sat her down and explained that we would not allow her to quit. She had started and made a commitment to a team, and we expected her to fulfill that commitment. As I watched her cross the finish line, I knew she had just learned a valuable life lesson, and she taught me something also.
We have been involved in adoption and fostering for 10 years. Those years have brought us to places and battles we never expected. The race has been hard, in fact at times, excruciating! The sacrifices we have made to have a large family and to take in children from hard places has made the race a little longer and more tiring than I expected when we started. But as I watched my newest daughter cross the finish line, I knew that I have to do what I am asking of her. I must run this race God has called me to without quitting. Yes we could have more “things” if we did not have so many children, and I would have more time for those little pleasures I miss at times, but I must keep my eye on the prize of the race God has called me to run. The thing that makes that so hard is the prize in this race is of eternal perspective. It is the prize of raising children who had a rough start but are now pursuing the heart of God and know what it is to be loved not only by a Heavenly Father, but by an earthly mother and father as well. So in those moments when their past seems to overwhelm us and their words seem to cut to the core of our heart, we must choose to focus on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, and continue to run this race without quitting! As I watched my daughter run across the finish line, I was encouraged as I believe God sees me just like I saw her. I don’t always parent as I should – I say the wrong thing, I do the wrong thing, I break a promise or wound an already wounded heart - but as long as I keep running and don’t quit, He is just as proud of me as I was of her!
“Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win.” I Corinthians 9: 24
I am not a runner and have never run a race. But I recently watched our 15 year old run in her first track meet. She did not win first prize, but we could not have been prouder of her! She ran in such a way to win. She quit track the first day. It was too hard. John and I sat her down and explained that we would not allow her to quit. She had started and made a commitment to a team, and we expected her to fulfill that commitment. As I watched her cross the finish line, I knew she had just learned a valuable life lesson, and she taught me something also.
We have been involved in adoption and fostering for 10 years. Those years have brought us to places and battles we never expected. The race has been hard, in fact at times, excruciating! The sacrifices we have made to have a large family and to take in children from hard places has made the race a little longer and more tiring than I expected when we started. But as I watched my newest daughter cross the finish line, I knew that I have to do what I am asking of her. I must run this race God has called me to without quitting. Yes we could have more “things” if we did not have so many children, and I would have more time for those little pleasures I miss at times, but I must keep my eye on the prize of the race God has called me to run. The thing that makes that so hard is the prize in this race is of eternal perspective. It is the prize of raising children who had a rough start but are now pursuing the heart of God and know what it is to be loved not only by a Heavenly Father, but by an earthly mother and father as well. So in those moments when their past seems to overwhelm us and their words seem to cut to the core of our heart, we must choose to focus on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, and continue to run this race without quitting! As I watched my daughter run across the finish line, I was encouraged as I believe God sees me just like I saw her. I don’t always parent as I should – I say the wrong thing, I do the wrong thing, I break a promise or wound an already wounded heart - but as long as I keep running and don’t quit, He is just as proud of me as I was of her!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
The Journey: SCORE!!!!
So one of the things that has been so tough with this journey for me with Paizley is that no matter what I do, it's not enough. I'm still the wicked step-mother type character. Well, yesterday I scored! We went to Lubbock to her track meet, so I had pictures from the meet. I bought a scrapbook (my first two kids have amazing scrapbooks, Toben has a few pages, Ava has a few pages, Baby Girl has a scrapbook and some pictures and...well, you get the idea!) for Paizley and put the track pictures in it. I put the scripture from 1 Corinthians about running the race as the one to gain the prize and journaled about how proud we were of her that she finished the race! Even though she didn't get first prize in the actual race, in our hearts she won first because she didn't quit! She worked hard, pressed through the tough spots and finished! Track is the first thing she can ever remember finishing when it got hard instead of quitting and running! So it was a way for me to tell her things I have a hard time expressing right now because of my own hurt and rejection in the relationship. I put it on her bed so she would find it when she got home. She came out with a huge grin on her face and gave me a big hug and told me thank you! She has never had an album before and was excited to have one of her very own.
Yes! Finally! I found at least one word in her love language! I'll take it!!!! And I'll be doing a litte more in her book today! :)
Yes! Finally! I found at least one word in her love language! I'll take it!!!! And I'll be doing a litte more in her book today! :)
Monday, May 2, 2011
Relating to Thomas
"But Thomas, one of the twelve, called Didymus, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples were saying to him, "We have seen the Lord!" But he said to them, "Unless I see in His hands the imprint of the nails, and put my finger into the place of the nails, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe." After eight days His disciples were again inside, and Thomas with them. Jesus came, the doors having been shut, and stood in their midst and said, "Peace be with you." Then He said to Thomas, "Reach here with your finger, and see My hands; and reach here your hand and put it into My side; and do not be unbelieving, but believing." Thomas answered and said to Him, "My Lord and my God!" ~ John 20
I have never really faulted Thomas for doubting! I guess because I have always related to him just a tad bit, but in this season of my life, I would almost call him my hero!
We had an amazing message on Thomas and his doubts yesterday. The message was geared toward unbelievers doubting for salvation, but it was very applicable to me in my season of winter. I don't doubt God for my salvation. I don't even doubt God in His abilities or power. I do doubt God's love for me and the fulfillment of any good or blessing in my life as I've tried to walk a life of faith and not sight.
I have written some about it here, but not extensively. Probably won't because it is just too raw...even for a totally transparent girl like myself! I don't need the words of my many critics to fan the flames the enemy already has burning in me.
I know the Word of God! There is not much anyone can say to me in my state of doubt that I haven't said to myself or written on a note card at sometime over the past few years to help combat my doubt and ever creeping despair at walking a life of faith. I can listen to myself describe my doubts and be disgusted with them! I can hear how immature it sounds. I can hear how unBiblical they sound! But ignoring the doubts exist is getting me no where! And that is where God used the sermon yesterday to speak to me!
One of the questions in our small group discussion about the sermon was, "Are you a glass half-full or half-empty person?" I used to be the former, but am now the latter. AND. I. HATE. IT.
I miss my faith filled, positive, life-loving self. I don't know when this ugly version of her moved in, but I'm ready to evict her! I've tried several times over the past couple of years, but circumstances and hard life realities have moved her right back in.
God has been revealing to me over the past weeks just how wounded my heart is. When I really began a personal relationship with Jesus, He asked us to do some pretty crazy things by faith. I loved it! I was all in! But all but one of those things have ended with deep wounds and not-so-happy endings. I know in my heart somewhere that the ending is not the outcome, it is the obedience that is the outcome. But the wounds left by the less than desirable outcomes are making it very difficult for me to move forward in faith.
My work in Liberia is one of the deepest wounds. I thought I had put it behind me and was ready to move forward with whatever God has for me and Addy's Hope in the way of children, whether here or in Africa, but lately I am seeing where the wounds from that entire time are paralyzing me. I celebrate the children that God allowed to come home, but the ones left behind, the dreams I had to abandon...those linger. The wounding words of fellow Christians who had no idea what we were dealing with or how my heart longed to give them the answers they wanted still linger in my heart. I didn't do everything right. There are things in hindsight I wish I had done differently, but there are also many things that I know without a doubt God gave me explicit instructions to do that many didn't understand and still criticize and ostracize me because of them. It's a staff I called family that in the end I couldn't count on. It's hard to literally give your life for a cause that ended in so many crucifying you. Yet I know Jesus knows exactly how that feels times 1,000!
I would hope that knowledge would draw me closer to him, but for some reason (I'm sure it is my immaturity and spoiled outlook of things)it has put me in a place of doubting walking by faith. Living life with seven and a half people, many of whom are deeply wounded souls, who depend on me daily for so many needs leaves me wondering how I will make it through even one more day. It has put me in a place of doubting giving up worldly comforts for a life of sold out to God living. I don't like this place!
That is why this morning I sat with God and read again through the story of Thomas. So many things God has said have not come to pass...did I miss what He said or has the time just not come yet for them to be fulfilled? Either way, it leaves me longing for a fresh touch from God. A real, tangible, meaningful-to-me reminder that God cares and is worth my life...ALL of it! So why is Thomas my hero? Because he needed that too! He says in John 20 that he will not believe until he touches! So what does Jesus do? He comes back....just for him!! He repeats word for word what Thomas said to his friends that he needed in order to believe! Jesus provided it! The proof Thomas needed...and then instructed him to stop his disbelief!
I know Jesus is calling me to stop my disbelief also. He can't fully use me as long as my disbelief lingers. But this morning, I felt strongly that God gave me a few things I could ask for as my "proof"....just like Thomas did! I'm not a "name it and claim it" type believer. God can do what He wants when He wants. I believe in prayer and I believe in asking God for the desires of my heart, but to state something as fact then expect God to bow to my whim, that is not what I see in scripture. But I do believe God wants to be personal to us just like Jesus was to Thomas! So I have asked for some proof. And I am moving ahead believing the proof is coming and anticipating the answers with great excitement.
I'm ready to be back on the glass half-full team! I'm ready to leave doubt and disbelief behind me....for good! Not just an emotional high that takes me right back to the pit when it's over. I know God will provide a personal and lasting encounter! He will meet me right where I am and provide a personal, meaningful encounter with Him that will help me overcome these doubts and disbelief! He did it for Thomas! And I'm believing for Him to do it for me!
To be continued.....
I have never really faulted Thomas for doubting! I guess because I have always related to him just a tad bit, but in this season of my life, I would almost call him my hero!
We had an amazing message on Thomas and his doubts yesterday. The message was geared toward unbelievers doubting for salvation, but it was very applicable to me in my season of winter. I don't doubt God for my salvation. I don't even doubt God in His abilities or power. I do doubt God's love for me and the fulfillment of any good or blessing in my life as I've tried to walk a life of faith and not sight.
I have written some about it here, but not extensively. Probably won't because it is just too raw...even for a totally transparent girl like myself! I don't need the words of my many critics to fan the flames the enemy already has burning in me.
I know the Word of God! There is not much anyone can say to me in my state of doubt that I haven't said to myself or written on a note card at sometime over the past few years to help combat my doubt and ever creeping despair at walking a life of faith. I can listen to myself describe my doubts and be disgusted with them! I can hear how immature it sounds. I can hear how unBiblical they sound! But ignoring the doubts exist is getting me no where! And that is where God used the sermon yesterday to speak to me!
One of the questions in our small group discussion about the sermon was, "Are you a glass half-full or half-empty person?" I used to be the former, but am now the latter. AND. I. HATE. IT.
I miss my faith filled, positive, life-loving self. I don't know when this ugly version of her moved in, but I'm ready to evict her! I've tried several times over the past couple of years, but circumstances and hard life realities have moved her right back in.
God has been revealing to me over the past weeks just how wounded my heart is. When I really began a personal relationship with Jesus, He asked us to do some pretty crazy things by faith. I loved it! I was all in! But all but one of those things have ended with deep wounds and not-so-happy endings. I know in my heart somewhere that the ending is not the outcome, it is the obedience that is the outcome. But the wounds left by the less than desirable outcomes are making it very difficult for me to move forward in faith.
My work in Liberia is one of the deepest wounds. I thought I had put it behind me and was ready to move forward with whatever God has for me and Addy's Hope in the way of children, whether here or in Africa, but lately I am seeing where the wounds from that entire time are paralyzing me. I celebrate the children that God allowed to come home, but the ones left behind, the dreams I had to abandon...those linger. The wounding words of fellow Christians who had no idea what we were dealing with or how my heart longed to give them the answers they wanted still linger in my heart. I didn't do everything right. There are things in hindsight I wish I had done differently, but there are also many things that I know without a doubt God gave me explicit instructions to do that many didn't understand and still criticize and ostracize me because of them. It's a staff I called family that in the end I couldn't count on. It's hard to literally give your life for a cause that ended in so many crucifying you. Yet I know Jesus knows exactly how that feels times 1,000!
I would hope that knowledge would draw me closer to him, but for some reason (I'm sure it is my immaturity and spoiled outlook of things)it has put me in a place of doubting walking by faith. Living life with seven and a half people, many of whom are deeply wounded souls, who depend on me daily for so many needs leaves me wondering how I will make it through even one more day. It has put me in a place of doubting giving up worldly comforts for a life of sold out to God living. I don't like this place!
That is why this morning I sat with God and read again through the story of Thomas. So many things God has said have not come to pass...did I miss what He said or has the time just not come yet for them to be fulfilled? Either way, it leaves me longing for a fresh touch from God. A real, tangible, meaningful-to-me reminder that God cares and is worth my life...ALL of it! So why is Thomas my hero? Because he needed that too! He says in John 20 that he will not believe until he touches! So what does Jesus do? He comes back....just for him!! He repeats word for word what Thomas said to his friends that he needed in order to believe! Jesus provided it! The proof Thomas needed...and then instructed him to stop his disbelief!
I know Jesus is calling me to stop my disbelief also. He can't fully use me as long as my disbelief lingers. But this morning, I felt strongly that God gave me a few things I could ask for as my "proof"....just like Thomas did! I'm not a "name it and claim it" type believer. God can do what He wants when He wants. I believe in prayer and I believe in asking God for the desires of my heart, but to state something as fact then expect God to bow to my whim, that is not what I see in scripture. But I do believe God wants to be personal to us just like Jesus was to Thomas! So I have asked for some proof. And I am moving ahead believing the proof is coming and anticipating the answers with great excitement.
I'm ready to be back on the glass half-full team! I'm ready to leave doubt and disbelief behind me....for good! Not just an emotional high that takes me right back to the pit when it's over. I know God will provide a personal and lasting encounter! He will meet me right where I am and provide a personal, meaningful encounter with Him that will help me overcome these doubts and disbelief! He did it for Thomas! And I'm believing for Him to do it for me!
To be continued.....
The Journey: "Mark it on the calendar!"
I shared in my last post about the struggle our latest adoption has been. Well, this weekend provided no relief, in fact it was pretty bad. To the point she said she wanted to call off the adoption. It was all drama, when we sat and talked she didn't really want to call it off, but hearing those words after all we are doing to try and reach her and love on her broke my heart and made me want to give up. But just like we told her, giving up isn't an option!
But even in the midst of the emotions of the weekend, God gave me a moment to cling to in hope! We were looking at the calendar as we turned a new month to see what all was on tap for this week and those coming. Paizley was in the kitchen where the family calendar is and she says, "Mom! Mark mother's day on the calendar! I haven't gotten to celebrate that in years because I have been in shelters the past few mother's days." That will bring tears even to a wounded momma's heart!
Makes me stop and remember what I am dealing with! I am not just dealing with a 15 year old, I am dealing with a 15 year old who has been deaply wounded. I am dealing with a 15 year old who has been tossed about time after time, discarded, rejected, the list goes on and on. I am also dealing with spiritual issues that I can't even begin to understand or explain!
As we start a new week, I am determined to focus on that one moment and put the other 100 behind me from this weekend! There is a little girl in there who wants a mother to love her and celebrate life with her! I just have to be diligent and patient to lovingly dig through the layers to connect with her!
God reminded me hour by hour how you love me and how you love her! Teach me to love her like you do! Show me how to love beyond my own hurts and forgive her as you forgive me. Show me how to model all these for her so that she too can be whole!
But even in the midst of the emotions of the weekend, God gave me a moment to cling to in hope! We were looking at the calendar as we turned a new month to see what all was on tap for this week and those coming. Paizley was in the kitchen where the family calendar is and she says, "Mom! Mark mother's day on the calendar! I haven't gotten to celebrate that in years because I have been in shelters the past few mother's days." That will bring tears even to a wounded momma's heart!
Makes me stop and remember what I am dealing with! I am not just dealing with a 15 year old, I am dealing with a 15 year old who has been deaply wounded. I am dealing with a 15 year old who has been tossed about time after time, discarded, rejected, the list goes on and on. I am also dealing with spiritual issues that I can't even begin to understand or explain!
As we start a new week, I am determined to focus on that one moment and put the other 100 behind me from this weekend! There is a little girl in there who wants a mother to love her and celebrate life with her! I just have to be diligent and patient to lovingly dig through the layers to connect with her!
God reminded me hour by hour how you love me and how you love her! Teach me to love her like you do! Show me how to love beyond my own hurts and forgive her as you forgive me. Show me how to model all these for her so that she too can be whole!
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