Losing Perspective: The Bigger Picture

Since we entered the world of adoption 10 years ago, it has taken me to many hard places. But even through all the hard places, I never lost my heart for the orphan...until recently.

I don't know what happened. I don't know if it was a culmination of all that happened in Liberia, the accusations and insults of adoptive parents, bringing a teenager into our home, other personal struggles with Go or if it is just the refining fire of God in my life. Whatever the reason, over the past year I can see where the fire in me that has burned for the orphan and the people desiring to care for them has been snuffed out. I have lost the desire to really work for families or children. I have refused my calling. I know it is my choice because Romans 11:29 says, "the gifts and calling of God are irrevocable". He hasn't taken anything from me, but I have chosen to walk away!

Even before we started Addy's Hope five and a half years ago, I "worked" for a different adoption agency talking to people about adoption and even doing a couple of seminars on adoption. I say "worked" because it was a voluntary position! But I LOVED it! At that time Noah's adoption was the only personal story I had, but it was enough. My heart was on fire for orphans, and I was realizing the calling God has placed on my life for orphans and families wanting to care for them. It was so exciting! I felt like I could conquer any obstacle. I had faith that could move mountains....then Liberia happened.

I still don't understand that four years. I celebrate the children who came home, but my heart will always grieve those who didn't make it. My heart will always hurt with the families who had to give up hope (some still hold on and they are my heroes!) as we did for Eden. Even those families who don't understand why I would not stoop to illegal measure or dance with the devil to get children home, I hurt even for them. No matter who you are, when you love a child that remains half way around the world, I can relate!

I don't understand what happened. I don't understand why mine as well as hundreds of other's prayers were not answered in the events of Liberia. I don't understand why my faith and my trust and my belief didn't prevail! That time of my life when I was meeting with the Vice President, many government officials as well as legislatures in Liberia seems like a life time away! Somewhere over the past 18 months, that woman who fought those battles and believed she could conquer any obstacle if God was on her side left the building! She let doubt, disbelief and the lies of the enemy creep in and steal away her heart for the children and the families loving them. Her heart became hard. Her wounds over took her. I miss her!

I've said to John many times over the past few months, "I miss who I used to be." I wasn't sure how to get me back! I have never stopped spending daily time in the word. I have not stopped praying or asking God to restore me. Yet despite these disciplines, it has been a dark night of the soul. God hasn't spoken much. When He has, I have hung on it with my every ounce of being...but then the silence again, and the dark cloud would move in once again.

I know some of this is spiritual. I know that when I walk closely with God and have visions and dreams for furthering His Kingdom, the enemy will stop at nothing to stop me (or you!). But I also know that there are times that God is silent to require us to press in closer. I also know that whatever "causes" these dark times, God will is near. He has not left me.

I am reminded of that this morning! A dream of mine since we started Addy's' Hope was to be able to walk with other Christians as they pursue adoption. At the time we started Addy's Hope, we were at a church that really didn't welcome that. But God has placed us at a new church these past couple of years that has a heart for adoption! I don't know what my role will be in that, but I am ready and waiting for whatever it is! For right now, it is teaching a class created by Hope for Orphans called "If You Were Mine". It is an introduction for people considering adoption. I was reviewing it this morning preparing for the first session on Sunday. I have been waiting for the fire to come back. I knew God told me to offer to lead the class as I am tired of sitting in a pew and know that adoption and orphan ministry is one area I can lead in at a church. But I did it out of obedience not necessarily out of a desire to lead a class on adoption. In fact, in our current adoption experience, I find it hard to encourage people to adopt.

But as I listened to the video for the first session this morning, I felt some embers burn again! Praise God! I was reminded why I believe in adoption. It is not because it is worth it in a worldly way. I mean, who would intentionally cause themselves heartache, increase chances of rejection, put increased financial burdens, commit to emotional overload and exhausting just for fun? Not many! But I was reminded today that adoption is the bigger picture! Taking these children into our home is the gospel brought to reality and flesh for a dying world. When I take in a child who has nothing to offer me but rejection and despair, I am doing exactly what Jesus did for me when He went to the cross knowing I would complain and moan about my calling! But here's the thing. Because adoption is a bigger picture, it is literally beyond myself! I cannot love these children, especially the ones from hard places, without the love of Christ in me first. It requires my total surrender to Him to love them. My love is a selfish, very conditional, very limited love. That is all the love the world has to offer. Sadly, that is the realm I have been operating in for the most part the past few months. But I was reminded this morning that the love of Christ, the love that lives in me and I have full access to love my children through is a self-less, unconditional, limitless love! It can give even when not being received. The video reminded me of the truths of adoption! Mine (spiritually) and my children's (physically)! It amazes me how easily my perspective shifted. It amazes me how quickly the fire went out with just a couple of lies from the enemy that I then allowed to put out the fire burning in me for orphans and families. I'm ready to ignite those fires again! I'm ready to walk in all that God has for me and my family. I'm ready to be an example of the gospel again and love these children in a way that shows them Jesus! And I'm ready to stand before a group of people at the beginning of the adoption journey and tell them, "You can do it! It's worth it!" - and MEAN it!

Thank You, God for fanning the flames this morning! Thank you for the truths that were spoken that reminded me of why I do this crazy thing I do! Thank you for reminding me that The Church is the answer to a fallen world. Without the fall, there would be no orphans! But there was a fall, there are orphans, and The Church has to be the answer...and in being the answer, we will point a dying and hopeless world to YOU! Thank you for never leaving me and never giving up on me even when I give up on You! Now help me love these six children who have come in fifty times just while trying to write this blog! :)