My Baby Boy

It's almost midnight. The house is quiet. I don't seem to have the house to myself when all are asleep and all is quiet much these days. Since I have some quiet moments and I don't think I could sleep if I laid my head down, I figured I would sit and reflect on some things that were shared with me today. Not anything new, but words that have been resonating in my head and need to move them to my heart. Even though I am almost to week 34 and only 5 weeks and 2 days away from scheduled delivery, I have not had time (nor taken the time) to process and truly connect with this baby like I did the girls. Obviously life was a little different with my first two births. But regardless of what life is like right now, this baby deserves the same celebration, reflection and attention that was given to the girls...and to the adoptions of the others! So I'm going to trust God to replace my sleep tonight and spend some time with my Baby Boy!

My Dearest Baby Boy,

Wow! Where have the past 8 months gone? Seems like just yesterday I was sitting there staring at a white stick wondering how life would change because of two little lines! So many emotions! So many feelings! Excitement, shock, fear - what will your Daddy say???? - apprehension, awe, love...they were all there! Then we go to the first sonogram not even knowing for sure how old you are yet, and no heart beat. More emotions! More confusion. There has never been a more unplanned baby by two parents. But there has never been a more planned baby by God. I haven't really stopped to think about that, really. I have said it in passing. I've made the comment in order to not make us look stupid or crazy for having baby number seven at such an advanced maternal age...but to really sit and reflect on what it means that even in our unplanning of your life, you were conceived...as I told the details of the total shock of finding out I was pregnant today, I was struck by the person's excitement that I was telling. He smiled from ear to ear and said, "Talk about destiny! You know something big is happening with this baby!" Daddy and I believe EVERY baby born is of God - no matter the circumstances or the means of conception! But it truly is exciting to sit and realize the ways we "prevented" a life and yet God worked through it all to bring you into existence! NOTHING could have been further from our minds than having a baby! We had just committed to Paizley the week before we found out I was pregnant. We were making arrangements to bring in a teenager...not a newborn! We were dreaming of cars and proms not diapers and bottles!

But even as I type this watching my belly move beneath my arms, I am in awe that God would bless us with your life despite our means of prevention! As I heard my friend talk today about the big plans God must have for you, my spirit jumped for joy! I am reminded of Pastor Daniel's talk a few weeks back about Luke 1. We see onesies and nursery decorations, but God sees a life, a man, a destiny! God has every one of your days ordained already! He is knitting you together perfectly in my womb! You are fearfully and wonderfully made already! God has a plan for you in His kingdom calendar that required you to come to earth NOW! Right at this moment...even if Mommy and Daddy were too selfish or worldly or consumed or whatever to know it!

I haven't seen you yet, but I love you! I haven't had time to sing to you like I did the girls, but I know you hear my voice plenty as I talk to all your brothers and sisters! I can't say that I don't have fears Mr. Number Seven! I can't say that I don't worry that you will get lost in the crowd at times, that I don't worry about not having the time to just sit and hold you and relish in your newborn babiness! But I trust that God in His divine wisdom and knowledge knew that when He created you! He knew exactly what our life would be like in June 2011 when you were to arrive!

From the moment we told that we were pregnant, God has been speaking about your life and it's purposes! I am in awe! God has taken me to Luke 1 again and again as Elizabeth and Mary speak of the babies in their wombs. I don't pretend to be carrying the Messiah or even the one to prepare the way for the Messiah, but I know God has used those versus to prepare me to be your mommy! He has used them to help me accept His plan for my life and yours! He has used them to show me that He has huge plans for little bitty babies just like you who are not even breathing air yet!

We aren't sharing your name yet, but I pray you will love it! Your name has come out of all the words spoken about you during my pregnancy! It has significant meaning, and my prayer is that every time it is spoken, you are reminded of the purposes and plans God has for you!

Just a few weeks and I will hold you! Until then I will try not to complain too much about my swollen ankles or aching back! I will press on through the fatigue, and I will relish every kick to the rib and punch to the bladder! I will miss knowing I can fully protect and comfort you in my womb and feeling your ever present presence there! For I know that as soon as I see your face, your journey will have begun in this world! A world that has an enemy that seeks to kill , steal and destroy! But Baby Boy, even in this evil world, there is One who will rescue you and provide you with a life here and for eternity that is like none other - a life that He has already started speaking into even before your heart beat was detected - a life with a perfect plan for hope and a future! And I will spend my life telling you about Him! I am so thankful that God has created you! You may not have been in my plan, but you have always been in His~ never forget that!

Love,
Mommy