Relating to Thomas

"But Thomas, one of the twelve, called Didymus, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples were saying to him, "We have seen the Lord!" But he said to them, "Unless I see in His hands the imprint of the nails, and put my finger into the place of the nails, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe." After eight days His disciples were again inside, and Thomas with them. Jesus came, the doors having been shut, and stood in their midst and said, "Peace be with you." Then He said to Thomas, "Reach here with your finger, and see My hands; and reach here your hand and put it into My side; and do not be unbelieving, but believing." Thomas answered and said to Him, "My Lord and my God!" ~ John 20

I have never really faulted Thomas for doubting! I guess because I have always related to him just a tad bit, but in this season of my life, I would almost call him my hero!

We had an amazing message on Thomas and his doubts yesterday. The message was geared toward unbelievers doubting for salvation, but it was very applicable to me in my season of winter. I don't doubt God for my salvation. I don't even doubt God in His abilities or power. I do doubt God's love for me and the fulfillment of any good or blessing in my life as I've tried to walk a life of faith and not sight.

I have written some about it here, but not extensively. Probably won't because it is just too raw...even for a totally transparent girl like myself! I don't need the words of my many critics to fan the flames the enemy already has burning in me.

I know the Word of God! There is not much anyone can say to me in my state of doubt that I haven't said to myself or written on a note card at sometime over the past few years to help combat my doubt and ever creeping despair at walking a life of faith. I can listen to myself describe my doubts and be disgusted with them! I can hear how immature it sounds. I can hear how unBiblical they sound! But ignoring the doubts exist is getting me no where! And that is where God used the sermon yesterday to speak to me!

One of the questions in our small group discussion about the sermon was, "Are you a glass half-full or half-empty person?" I used to be the former, but am now the latter. AND. I. HATE. IT.

I miss my faith filled, positive, life-loving self. I don't know when this ugly version of her moved in, but I'm ready to evict her! I've tried several times over the past couple of years, but circumstances and hard life realities have moved her right back in.

God has been revealing to me over the past weeks just how wounded my heart is. When I really began a personal relationship with Jesus, He asked us to do some pretty crazy things by faith. I loved it! I was all in! But all but one of those things have ended with deep wounds and not-so-happy endings. I know in my heart somewhere that the ending is not the outcome, it is the obedience that is the outcome. But the wounds left by the less than desirable outcomes are making it very difficult for me to move forward in faith.

My work in Liberia is one of the deepest wounds. I thought I had put it behind me and was ready to move forward with whatever God has for me and Addy's Hope in the way of children, whether here or in Africa, but lately I am seeing where the wounds from that entire time are paralyzing me. I celebrate the children that God allowed to come home, but the ones left behind, the dreams I had to abandon...those linger. The wounding words of fellow Christians who had no idea what we were dealing with or how my heart longed to give them the answers they wanted still linger in my heart. I didn't do everything right. There are things in hindsight I wish I had done differently, but there are also many things that I know without a doubt God gave me explicit instructions to do that many didn't understand and still criticize and ostracize me because of them. It's a staff I called family that in the end I couldn't count on. It's hard to literally give your life for a cause that ended in so many crucifying you. Yet I know Jesus knows exactly how that feels times 1,000!

I would hope that knowledge would draw me closer to him, but for some reason (I'm sure it is my immaturity and spoiled outlook of things)it has put me in a place of doubting walking by faith. Living life with seven and a half people, many of whom are deeply wounded souls, who depend on me daily for so many needs leaves me wondering how I will make it through even one more day. It has put me in a place of doubting giving up worldly comforts for a life of sold out to God living. I don't like this place!

That is why this morning I sat with God and read again through the story of Thomas. So many things God has said have not come to pass...did I miss what He said or has the time just not come yet for them to be fulfilled? Either way, it leaves me longing for a fresh touch from God. A real, tangible, meaningful-to-me reminder that God cares and is worth my life...ALL of it! So why is Thomas my hero? Because he needed that too! He says in John 20 that he will not believe until he touches! So what does Jesus do? He comes back....just for him!! He repeats word for word what Thomas said to his friends that he needed in order to believe! Jesus provided it! The proof Thomas needed...and then instructed him to stop his disbelief!

I know Jesus is calling me to stop my disbelief also. He can't fully use me as long as my disbelief lingers. But this morning, I felt strongly that God gave me a few things I could ask for as my "proof"....just like Thomas did! I'm not a "name it and claim it" type believer. God can do what He wants when He wants. I believe in prayer and I believe in asking God for the desires of my heart, but to state something as fact then expect God to bow to my whim, that is not what I see in scripture. But I do believe God wants to be personal to us just like Jesus was to Thomas! So I have asked for some proof. And I am moving ahead believing the proof is coming and anticipating the answers with great excitement.

I'm ready to be back on the glass half-full team! I'm ready to leave doubt and disbelief behind me....for good! Not just an emotional high that takes me right back to the pit when it's over. I know God will provide a personal and lasting encounter! He will meet me right where I am and provide a personal, meaningful encounter with Him that will help me overcome these doubts and disbelief! He did it for Thomas! And I'm believing for Him to do it for me!

To be continued.....