Yes, I am gifted. No, I am not conceited! You are gifted too! We all are! God created us with a specific purpose...even before our very first day occurred He had all our days planned! That's what it says in Psalm 139. That means when He knit me in my mother's womb, He put me together exactly how He needed to in order for me to fulfill the role I play in this time for the Kingdom. Now that gets my excited! And if it doesn't light your fire, well as my Granddaddy would say, your woods wet!
I have been at a training the past two days for a class I will have to use to train prospective adoptive parents in our adoption program for children waiting in the Texas foster system who are legally available for adoption. There are some really great people at the training...and then there are some really not so great ones also. But as I have listened to the conversations, I become keenly aware that I was made for this work! My passion and personal experiences give me a perspective that no one else in the training has. Now I know way better than to get a big head about this! I know that I have nothing to boast about but Christ in me! But I can boast about that! So I am! I am so excited about the months to come at Addy's Hope! I can't wait to see what God does! We have so many needs to get us where it feels like we can even start to be effective in these programs, but God promises to abundantly supply all I need to do His work, so I am pressing ahead in faith with great expectation of how abundantly and amazingly He is going to meet each and every one of those needs so we can carry on His work of connecting His children with His loving families so that He will not leave them as orphans! Everybody hang on! I think this rides gonna be good!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
I'll say it again...
I have said it here before, and I will say it again, GOD equips you for what He calls! He will also keep you humble! I have had to travel for some training this work for the CPS contract for Addy's Hope. We are now contracted to place waiting children in the Texas foster system in adoptive homes! It has been MONTHS in the making! The training I am at is for the course I have to use to train parents who want to adopt from the state. As I headed out for the trip, I had to laugh at myself as I thought back to the beginning...when God called us to open an adoption agency.
I was a stay at home mom. I had been a teacher before that. The corporate/professional world scared me to death! But I had to make a trip to Austin in order to even obtain the application to become a licensed agency with the state. I set out hesitantly to get ready for the trip. I needed to make my flight reservations. I worked up the confidence to make the reservation. I did it and was so proud. I crawled into bed next to John and said, "I did it! I will arrive in Houston in just enough time to get to the meeting." As soon as it came out of my mouth, I wanted to scream! I had made my flight to the WRONG CITY!!! It was my first of many lessons on this journey in humility and a reminder that I am totally and completely reliant on God for this job He has given me!
So today, when I arrived, on time, for my training...in the correct city, I was overjoyed! Seriously, though, it was a reminder of how far I have come. The professional world still intimidates me! But I have learned to look to the One Who gave me this assignment to gain whatever I need to do whatever He asked!
I was reminded of this also as I cried my way out the door this morning leaving my kids behind. I will be home in 4 days..I used to leave for Liberia for 2-3 weeks at a time multiple times a year! This morning I wondered how in the world I did that! God gently reminded me that He gives grace and strength for whatever season we are in! And that is what he did back then. And even today as I struggled with leaving, He gave me two examples in the days before I left of moms who have entered a working role after being dedicated stay at home moms and showed me how that pleased Him because it was what He called them to for now....like me.
So tonight I thank God that I know my life's calling. I thank Him for allowing me to work in my passion and I thank Him for equipping me for each step!
I was a stay at home mom. I had been a teacher before that. The corporate/professional world scared me to death! But I had to make a trip to Austin in order to even obtain the application to become a licensed agency with the state. I set out hesitantly to get ready for the trip. I needed to make my flight reservations. I worked up the confidence to make the reservation. I did it and was so proud. I crawled into bed next to John and said, "I did it! I will arrive in Houston in just enough time to get to the meeting." As soon as it came out of my mouth, I wanted to scream! I had made my flight to the WRONG CITY!!! It was my first of many lessons on this journey in humility and a reminder that I am totally and completely reliant on God for this job He has given me!
So today, when I arrived, on time, for my training...in the correct city, I was overjoyed! Seriously, though, it was a reminder of how far I have come. The professional world still intimidates me! But I have learned to look to the One Who gave me this assignment to gain whatever I need to do whatever He asked!
I was reminded of this also as I cried my way out the door this morning leaving my kids behind. I will be home in 4 days..I used to leave for Liberia for 2-3 weeks at a time multiple times a year! This morning I wondered how in the world I did that! God gently reminded me that He gives grace and strength for whatever season we are in! And that is what he did back then. And even today as I struggled with leaving, He gave me two examples in the days before I left of moms who have entered a working role after being dedicated stay at home moms and showed me how that pleased Him because it was what He called them to for now....like me.
So tonight I thank God that I know my life's calling. I thank Him for allowing me to work in my passion and I thank Him for equipping me for each step!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
My First Born
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Callie turned 12 in January. She is an amazing young woman with so many gifts! I can't wait to see what God does with her life! She is one of those that you get on your knees a lot to parent because she has giftings that you know you can't really parent without the immense assistance of the Holy Spirit! She is as beautiful inside as she is out! We took these pictures when we were on vacation in Fredericksburg several weeks ago! Where did my baby girl go?
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| Some say we look alike! |
I love this girl and she loves me back!
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| Callie and my Dad! I will cherish this picture always! |
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| Did I mention she is a bit goofy too?! |
Introducing Peighton Hope
Monday, July 16, 2012
My Gethsemane
I want to start with a disclaimer to this post....I am well aware that what I am suffering right now does not even compare to the cross. John and I have a saying when things get tough and one of us wants to throw in the towel in a particular situation. We always encourage each other by saying, "We have not suffered to the point of sweating blood yet, so we can press on and do this." I have not suffered to the point of sweating blood on this journey I am sharing with you now, but I think God put the struggle of Jesus in scripture for us so we can know that even Jesus did not go to the cross without at least a slight pause and a request to opt out of the task. It gives us freedom to without guilt or shame do the same. We just must be careful that when we walk out of our Gethsemane we are at the same place Jesus was - totally and completely yielded to the will of God whatever that means!
Paizley is set to deliver in a couple of days. The reality that the last few months will end with a innocent life being born into this world has pressed in heavy on me the past few days. I knew I had to deal with all that was going on in my heart. I knew I had to get with God and allow Him to sift my heart like wheat. I had to get in a place where I was ok with God and could walk wholly and fully into the days ahead whatever they might bring.
I haven't shared details to protect the privacy of our family. But I know you know from what I have shared, this has been a rough 8 months! I honestly have never suffered more intense heartache and personal injury in my life. I have had heartache, but not as often and as concentrated as has occurred in the past few months. God has miraculously brought me to a place of healing each time...a place of forgiveness and restoration where I could put the hurt behind me and move forward in the relationship with my daughter. However, the past 4 weeks were the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back for me. Nothing happened that was big, and in comparison to some other events they seem trivial. But for whatever reason, they were the hump I couldn't get over. The hurt that welled up in me when I would think about Paizley giving birth and bringing the baby here to raise and all that meant for me emotionally and day to day was almost paralyzing. Some days it was paralyzing. Once I wrestled with the emotions, I was too drained to do much but make it to the end of the day so I could crawl in bed and pray sleep would come.
As the time has drawn closer for delivery, I knew I had to bring the hurt to the surface and deal with it. I had to get on my face with God and find a way to face the coming days and months. When I would think about the baby being born, I would feel like one of the Israelites at the Red Sea. There were two options: bring the baby home or place with another family for adoption. I shared from the beginning that it has been our desire and our goal for Paizley to parent this child. But as the time drew closer and closer we were not sure that was going to be possible. I felt like her bringing the baby home and parenting in our house was the Red Sea in front of me that would wash me away if I stepped in, and placing her with another family was the Egyptians in hot pursuit behind me. And I heard myself grumbling much as the Israelites did. "God, PLEASE take me back! Take me back to days when life was easier, when I didn't have to think about being a grandmother or helping a wounded teen learn to parent. Take me back to a familiar place without the pain." I am not saying I regretted Paizley or the life that she carries, don't hear that...I regretted the circumstances of our life. I don't even know if regret is the right word. I mourned the circumstance of our life. I mourned what I left behind in my Egypt and cried out in fear for the sea that lay in front of me.
In the last two weeks, I have found myself locked in my bathroom and falling to the floor completely overwhelmed with the tasks that lay ahead. It was in these moments that I would remember Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane and would pray Jesus' prayer many times on my bathroom floor. I would cry out to God and ask Him if there was any other way to please remove me from this situation. Take away all of it. Rewind somehow or miraculously do something..I didn't even really know what I was asking. For the first few times, I had to pray that several times before I could get to the next part...BUT no matter what, not my will, but GOD's be done! I didn't really mean it the first couple of times I prayed it. I guess you could say I prayed it in faith. But I followed those prayers with surrendering my heart to God and asking Him to heal the wounds and bring me to a place where I could walk this out. God is so faithful! I even had an amazing friend who text me and said she was going to start her first ever fast - a fast from Dr. Pepper - to pray for us! I put it on Facebook which I don't normally do that we were not in a good place for Paizley to give birth and asked for everyone to pray. I now it is cliche to say you "feel prayers" but in the places I have walked the past several years, I can say I have truly felt prayers...and this time was no different! I began to feel the hurt lift. I began to think of the baby coming...something I hadn't been able to do up to that point. There was a mental and emotional block that wouldn't let my heart and mind go there. It was like nothing I have ever experienced. I began to experience the healing that only comes from the Holy Spirit cleaning house in your heart!
We sang a song yesterday in church about the power of God parting oceans. I knew God was parting my Red Sea. I wasn't totally sure what the "dry land" was going to look like that I would cross over, but I knew God was parting the waters of my heart. I knew the prayers I had cried out on my knees for God's will to be done were unfolding as He was making way for just that.
It all culminated in a very needed, healing and God ordained time between me and my daughter yesterday. I kind of feel like the Israelites again in that there will be obstacles, famine, drought, wars, etc even after we walk across the Red Sea. But I will have this time to look back and remember that God brought us through. And He has taught me to rely on Him in a way I never had before and taught me even more about Himself and His character through this journey. As I prayed with Paizley yesterday I was able to honestly and earnestly thank God for the lessons this time has brought. When the drought or famine does come, and it will because we still have a LONG way to go, I will not run in fear but look to the heavens and wait for the manna and quail to fall that will sustain me for THAT day! It's the biggest lesson I have learned from my Gethsemane - when God's will is not for the cup to pass, but for me to walk out the dying of myself, I will remember the cost of the cross and say YES - and God will then provide whatever I need daily to continue to walk out the road to my cross! No more and no less than what I need for THAT day! And on the other side, I will look a little more like Christ than I did when I started the trip. And that is why I say YES!
Paizley is set to deliver in a couple of days. The reality that the last few months will end with a innocent life being born into this world has pressed in heavy on me the past few days. I knew I had to deal with all that was going on in my heart. I knew I had to get with God and allow Him to sift my heart like wheat. I had to get in a place where I was ok with God and could walk wholly and fully into the days ahead whatever they might bring.
I haven't shared details to protect the privacy of our family. But I know you know from what I have shared, this has been a rough 8 months! I honestly have never suffered more intense heartache and personal injury in my life. I have had heartache, but not as often and as concentrated as has occurred in the past few months. God has miraculously brought me to a place of healing each time...a place of forgiveness and restoration where I could put the hurt behind me and move forward in the relationship with my daughter. However, the past 4 weeks were the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back for me. Nothing happened that was big, and in comparison to some other events they seem trivial. But for whatever reason, they were the hump I couldn't get over. The hurt that welled up in me when I would think about Paizley giving birth and bringing the baby here to raise and all that meant for me emotionally and day to day was almost paralyzing. Some days it was paralyzing. Once I wrestled with the emotions, I was too drained to do much but make it to the end of the day so I could crawl in bed and pray sleep would come.
As the time has drawn closer for delivery, I knew I had to bring the hurt to the surface and deal with it. I had to get on my face with God and find a way to face the coming days and months. When I would think about the baby being born, I would feel like one of the Israelites at the Red Sea. There were two options: bring the baby home or place with another family for adoption. I shared from the beginning that it has been our desire and our goal for Paizley to parent this child. But as the time drew closer and closer we were not sure that was going to be possible. I felt like her bringing the baby home and parenting in our house was the Red Sea in front of me that would wash me away if I stepped in, and placing her with another family was the Egyptians in hot pursuit behind me. And I heard myself grumbling much as the Israelites did. "God, PLEASE take me back! Take me back to days when life was easier, when I didn't have to think about being a grandmother or helping a wounded teen learn to parent. Take me back to a familiar place without the pain." I am not saying I regretted Paizley or the life that she carries, don't hear that...I regretted the circumstances of our life. I don't even know if regret is the right word. I mourned the circumstance of our life. I mourned what I left behind in my Egypt and cried out in fear for the sea that lay in front of me.
In the last two weeks, I have found myself locked in my bathroom and falling to the floor completely overwhelmed with the tasks that lay ahead. It was in these moments that I would remember Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane and would pray Jesus' prayer many times on my bathroom floor. I would cry out to God and ask Him if there was any other way to please remove me from this situation. Take away all of it. Rewind somehow or miraculously do something..I didn't even really know what I was asking. For the first few times, I had to pray that several times before I could get to the next part...BUT no matter what, not my will, but GOD's be done! I didn't really mean it the first couple of times I prayed it. I guess you could say I prayed it in faith. But I followed those prayers with surrendering my heart to God and asking Him to heal the wounds and bring me to a place where I could walk this out. God is so faithful! I even had an amazing friend who text me and said she was going to start her first ever fast - a fast from Dr. Pepper - to pray for us! I put it on Facebook which I don't normally do that we were not in a good place for Paizley to give birth and asked for everyone to pray. I now it is cliche to say you "feel prayers" but in the places I have walked the past several years, I can say I have truly felt prayers...and this time was no different! I began to feel the hurt lift. I began to think of the baby coming...something I hadn't been able to do up to that point. There was a mental and emotional block that wouldn't let my heart and mind go there. It was like nothing I have ever experienced. I began to experience the healing that only comes from the Holy Spirit cleaning house in your heart!
We sang a song yesterday in church about the power of God parting oceans. I knew God was parting my Red Sea. I wasn't totally sure what the "dry land" was going to look like that I would cross over, but I knew God was parting the waters of my heart. I knew the prayers I had cried out on my knees for God's will to be done were unfolding as He was making way for just that.
It all culminated in a very needed, healing and God ordained time between me and my daughter yesterday. I kind of feel like the Israelites again in that there will be obstacles, famine, drought, wars, etc even after we walk across the Red Sea. But I will have this time to look back and remember that God brought us through. And He has taught me to rely on Him in a way I never had before and taught me even more about Himself and His character through this journey. As I prayed with Paizley yesterday I was able to honestly and earnestly thank God for the lessons this time has brought. When the drought or famine does come, and it will because we still have a LONG way to go, I will not run in fear but look to the heavens and wait for the manna and quail to fall that will sustain me for THAT day! It's the biggest lesson I have learned from my Gethsemane - when God's will is not for the cup to pass, but for me to walk out the dying of myself, I will remember the cost of the cross and say YES - and God will then provide whatever I need daily to continue to walk out the road to my cross! No more and no less than what I need for THAT day! And on the other side, I will look a little more like Christ than I did when I started the trip. And that is why I say YES!
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Beauty From Ashes
Eight years ago today an event occurred that would radically change my life and the lives of many. We wouldn't even learn of the event for two more days. But when we did, my world as I knew it was over.
Eight years ago today, Addy Joy Petree lost her battle with cholera and took her last breath on a road in Sierra Leone while riding to the hospital in an ambulance that was just too late. We were three months into the adoption process. She was three years old. We only have this one picture of her.
But this one picture, it was enough. Enough to make me fall in love and know that she was mine. I know that is hard to believe and just sounds dramatic, but for those who have adopted and have received a picture, you know what I mean! You truly do fall in love with that little person on the other side of the picture!
The call came while we were in Midland, we lived in Garden City at the time, watching the Watoto Children's choir oddly enough! We had just spent the entire evening dreaming about our twin girls half way around the world after watching a group of children from the same continent sing and dance in traditional African custom. Callie and Noah were so excited as they watched these children and wondered if the girls would know how to dance like that.
When we got home there was a message from our adoption agency saying we needed to call as soon as possible. We immediately knew it probably wasn't good as we had never received a call from them without us initiating the conversation! John called her back as I was busy getting kids ready for bed. We really didn't expect her to answer, but she did. I could tell by John's side of the conversation it wasn't good, but I couldn't tell exactly what was happening. Then he went on the back porch and literally locked me inside. He put his foot on the door so that I couldn't come out and hear what was happening. I knew then it just wasn't good, it had to be catastrophic! When he was done with the phone call, he came back in. Right there in our kitchen he delivered the news...Addy was dead. It took a little while for the words to register. The details were sketchy, but the one thing we knew for sure was that cholera was the reason. I am ashamed to say before that moment I knew nothing about cholera even though it is among the top killers in third world countries. I went to the computer and looked it up. What I read lit a fire in me that hasn't been put out yet, and I pray never is! All she needed was an antibiotic and an IV. Basically, she died from dehydration due to the excessive vomiting and diarrhea caused by cholera. My American brain could not wrap itself around the idea that my precious baby was gone because of a preventable illness! I became angry. I didn't even know who or what I was angry at, but I was angry. That anger was fueled by the tears that flowed from Callie as I told her that night that we had lost Addy. Even at 4 years old, Callie had a heart for the less fortunate of the world that set her apart. That heart broke that day for her sister. It has only been in the past three or four years that Callie doesn't get really upset with me when I don't add Eden and Addy to our "count" of children when people ask how many we have. Watching her grieve Addy was the only thing harder than handling my own grief and questions left by her death.
Over the next few weeks, God would use Addy's life and untimely death to call John and I to a life committed to the orphans of this world. That path has taken several twists over the last 8 years. But it started with that call and continued two weeks later when we were standing in a laundry room in San Antonio folding laundry before packing up to head home from our family vacation. John looked at me and said, "I think God is asking us to open an adoption agency." My answer: "In about 18 years, that would be a fabulous idea! When the kids are grown and I can go to work, I would love to do that." Remember, I had a 4 and 3 year old at home and was still planning to bring Eden home which would make 2 three year olds and a four year old! Not the ideal setting for starting up an adoption agency. Plus, I was still at a stage in life where just cleaning house overwhelmed me! How would I EVER start any kind of business/ministry from scratch and keep it up? But I also knew this had never been even a hint of a dream to John. It was my dream! But God knew that it would take speaking to John and putting it on his heart to convince me to give it a try. I agreed to pray about it. When we got home, I talked with our home study provider who was in the process of becoming a licensed agency. The doors just began to open. Each step was revealed as it needed to be done. And the rest is history! Addy's Hope has been in existence for 7 years. God has placed 38 children from Liberia in Christian families here in the US. We built two medical clinics, a school and an amazing children's home through those connected to Addy's Hope. And now we are serving the children in our own backyard. No, they may not die from cholera, but they are dying in our foster system. Dying a spiritual death. It's funny when I look back at what started us on this journey! It makes me realize how immature I was at the time...but proof once again that God calls you
RIGHT
WHERE
YOU
ARE to accomplish the work He has for you! I thought we were just saving lives, physical lives. But what God would quickly show me is that we were saving their souls! He was asking us to work on the behalf of children who left where they were might never know the saving grace of Jesus or live lives that had equipped them for all He had for them in His kingdom.
Often you hear that time heals all wounds. Time has made it a little easier. But it will still hit me at weird times. I can see an African baby girl and be overcome with grief. Often when I see twins, my heart breaks and the tears will come. I was thinking about this not too many weeks ago when I was in the mall and something triggered the sadness again. It seems to be a grief that doesn't really ever heal. I mean I miss my Grammy so much it hurts sometimes, but even in those moments it is not a crippling grief. There is a peace that she lived a long life and while we miss her, we appreciate the time we had with her. Losing Addy has never had that peace. I am assuming it is probably like that with all parents who lose children too soon in this earthly life.
I was sharing with another mom who lost a baby they were adopting through us in Liberia. She has gone on to do amazing things in Ethiopia through her organization Because Every Mother Matters. She is preventing orphans by supporting moms! Truly amazing things! Spurred on by the death of a little girl half a world away whom they loved through a picture.
But as I shared with my friend, I think our girls would be proud! I think they would feel honored by the fires started by the sparks of their short lives. So today even though tears will fall, all in all, I am blessed to have been a part of her short life. And I am thankful that God turned the ashes from her death into the beauty of the ripples left from her.
Eight years ago today, Addy Joy Petree lost her battle with cholera and took her last breath on a road in Sierra Leone while riding to the hospital in an ambulance that was just too late. We were three months into the adoption process. She was three years old. We only have this one picture of her.
But this one picture, it was enough. Enough to make me fall in love and know that she was mine. I know that is hard to believe and just sounds dramatic, but for those who have adopted and have received a picture, you know what I mean! You truly do fall in love with that little person on the other side of the picture!
The call came while we were in Midland, we lived in Garden City at the time, watching the Watoto Children's choir oddly enough! We had just spent the entire evening dreaming about our twin girls half way around the world after watching a group of children from the same continent sing and dance in traditional African custom. Callie and Noah were so excited as they watched these children and wondered if the girls would know how to dance like that.
When we got home there was a message from our adoption agency saying we needed to call as soon as possible. We immediately knew it probably wasn't good as we had never received a call from them without us initiating the conversation! John called her back as I was busy getting kids ready for bed. We really didn't expect her to answer, but she did. I could tell by John's side of the conversation it wasn't good, but I couldn't tell exactly what was happening. Then he went on the back porch and literally locked me inside. He put his foot on the door so that I couldn't come out and hear what was happening. I knew then it just wasn't good, it had to be catastrophic! When he was done with the phone call, he came back in. Right there in our kitchen he delivered the news...Addy was dead. It took a little while for the words to register. The details were sketchy, but the one thing we knew for sure was that cholera was the reason. I am ashamed to say before that moment I knew nothing about cholera even though it is among the top killers in third world countries. I went to the computer and looked it up. What I read lit a fire in me that hasn't been put out yet, and I pray never is! All she needed was an antibiotic and an IV. Basically, she died from dehydration due to the excessive vomiting and diarrhea caused by cholera. My American brain could not wrap itself around the idea that my precious baby was gone because of a preventable illness! I became angry. I didn't even know who or what I was angry at, but I was angry. That anger was fueled by the tears that flowed from Callie as I told her that night that we had lost Addy. Even at 4 years old, Callie had a heart for the less fortunate of the world that set her apart. That heart broke that day for her sister. It has only been in the past three or four years that Callie doesn't get really upset with me when I don't add Eden and Addy to our "count" of children when people ask how many we have. Watching her grieve Addy was the only thing harder than handling my own grief and questions left by her death.
Over the next few weeks, God would use Addy's life and untimely death to call John and I to a life committed to the orphans of this world. That path has taken several twists over the last 8 years. But it started with that call and continued two weeks later when we were standing in a laundry room in San Antonio folding laundry before packing up to head home from our family vacation. John looked at me and said, "I think God is asking us to open an adoption agency." My answer: "In about 18 years, that would be a fabulous idea! When the kids are grown and I can go to work, I would love to do that." Remember, I had a 4 and 3 year old at home and was still planning to bring Eden home which would make 2 three year olds and a four year old! Not the ideal setting for starting up an adoption agency. Plus, I was still at a stage in life where just cleaning house overwhelmed me! How would I EVER start any kind of business/ministry from scratch and keep it up? But I also knew this had never been even a hint of a dream to John. It was my dream! But God knew that it would take speaking to John and putting it on his heart to convince me to give it a try. I agreed to pray about it. When we got home, I talked with our home study provider who was in the process of becoming a licensed agency. The doors just began to open. Each step was revealed as it needed to be done. And the rest is history! Addy's Hope has been in existence for 7 years. God has placed 38 children from Liberia in Christian families here in the US. We built two medical clinics, a school and an amazing children's home through those connected to Addy's Hope. And now we are serving the children in our own backyard. No, they may not die from cholera, but they are dying in our foster system. Dying a spiritual death. It's funny when I look back at what started us on this journey! It makes me realize how immature I was at the time...but proof once again that God calls you
RIGHT
WHERE
YOU
ARE to accomplish the work He has for you! I thought we were just saving lives, physical lives. But what God would quickly show me is that we were saving their souls! He was asking us to work on the behalf of children who left where they were might never know the saving grace of Jesus or live lives that had equipped them for all He had for them in His kingdom.
Often you hear that time heals all wounds. Time has made it a little easier. But it will still hit me at weird times. I can see an African baby girl and be overcome with grief. Often when I see twins, my heart breaks and the tears will come. I was thinking about this not too many weeks ago when I was in the mall and something triggered the sadness again. It seems to be a grief that doesn't really ever heal. I mean I miss my Grammy so much it hurts sometimes, but even in those moments it is not a crippling grief. There is a peace that she lived a long life and while we miss her, we appreciate the time we had with her. Losing Addy has never had that peace. I am assuming it is probably like that with all parents who lose children too soon in this earthly life.
I was sharing with another mom who lost a baby they were adopting through us in Liberia. She has gone on to do amazing things in Ethiopia through her organization Because Every Mother Matters. She is preventing orphans by supporting moms! Truly amazing things! Spurred on by the death of a little girl half a world away whom they loved through a picture.
But as I shared with my friend, I think our girls would be proud! I think they would feel honored by the fires started by the sparks of their short lives. So today even though tears will fall, all in all, I am blessed to have been a part of her short life. And I am thankful that God turned the ashes from her death into the beauty of the ripples left from her.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Knowing God's Will
I have often said when contemplating a decision that needs to be made or looking for which direction to go in life that I wish I could receive an e-mail from God with the directions spelled out. I don't say that anymore. Not because at times I still wish it was that simple and clear cut. I still with at times I could write Him my questions, like a tech support, and He sends back the answers. Yes, that would be A.M.A.Z.I.N.G! But I have also come to learn that the reason God doesn't do that is because it requires no relationship! When I have a question about a program that isn't working or a website I can't find the answer on, I look for the "contact us" button and send a request for information. I then get an instant message or an e-mail with the information I need - I never have to engage with the person on the other end of the computer! I don't even know their name most of the time. If I have learned anything over the past 15 years of trying to walk in relationship and not just legalism with my Lord it is that He values my relationship with Him above all else!
So when I ask Him for direction, He is not going to send an e-mail from His tech support! He is going to draw me into Him. He is going to ask me to spend a little more time with Him than I do for daily maintenance. He is going to ask me to sit a little quieter and listen a little closer to His still small voice. Romans 12:2 states it this way, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will." That's pretty plain! God is telling us, if you want to know the answer, spend time with me and in my Word! I am not making this a mystery! But I am not going to send an e-mail or write it in the sky with an airplane, either! He wants us in His word transforming our minds. That is the only way we can test and approve His will! But if we do that, we can know His will. No secrets.
I was reminded of this again recently as we heard God ask us to walk in a new direction in an area of our life. I can't share details right now, but will soon. Basically we were like Abraham....God said pack up your stuff and walk. That was it. No direction for where the end of the journey was. Just walk. Now the logical, mathematical me doesn't really even know how its possible to take off in any direction when you don't know the destination. But Isaiah 55:8 quickly reminds me that my ways are not His! Can I get an Amen to that?! If I said in the midst of being asked to walk with no direction to walk I was not completely frustrated, I would be lying. If I said I wanted to turn back and go to where we just came from just to be in a familiar place, I would not be truthful. And if I said it didn't make me question if I had heard God at all in this area, I would be leading you astray. John and I both prayed relentlessly in this area and both felt God telling us the same thing - W.A.L.K. But it wasn't until we finally decided in our minds and committed to walking, with out turning back, that God gave clear direction. It is just like Joshua 3 when the Israelites are crossing the Jordan into the promised land. God required the priests to step into the water before He stopped the water from flowing. The last time He stopped water from flowing for the Israelites, Moses only had to stretch out his hand. This time God required a step of faith, a step of obedience before He made the path clear. As soon as John and I determined to walk in obedience, not turn back to what was familiar or give up for lack of direction, but trust and obey, God provided the rest of the answer for where we were to walk! It was just like a door opened as soon as we agreed to obey! I had to smile when I realized what had happened.
So many times when we are asked by God to wait for an answer for whatever reason, we start to doubt our ability to hear Him or get clear direction from Him. The enemy loves to put those doubts in our minds. However, the scripture is very clear. 1 Corinthians 2:16 tells us in plain language - we have the mind of Christ! We don't need an e-mail from God! We have His mind already! We only need to sit still long enough and spend enough time in His word to know without a doubt what His good and perfect will is!
I love that about God. He truly is not into guessing games! If I don't have a clear answer or direction, it means I need to sit longer with Him. It may mean I have some sin in my life I need to deal with in order to hear God's voice or it may mean I have to open to what the answer is...even if its no. Or it may just mean He wants to spend a little more time with us, preparing us for the answer. But it never means He doesn't want to give us the answer. The answer is on its way!
So when I ask Him for direction, He is not going to send an e-mail from His tech support! He is going to draw me into Him. He is going to ask me to spend a little more time with Him than I do for daily maintenance. He is going to ask me to sit a little quieter and listen a little closer to His still small voice. Romans 12:2 states it this way, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will." That's pretty plain! God is telling us, if you want to know the answer, spend time with me and in my Word! I am not making this a mystery! But I am not going to send an e-mail or write it in the sky with an airplane, either! He wants us in His word transforming our minds. That is the only way we can test and approve His will! But if we do that, we can know His will. No secrets.
I was reminded of this again recently as we heard God ask us to walk in a new direction in an area of our life. I can't share details right now, but will soon. Basically we were like Abraham....God said pack up your stuff and walk. That was it. No direction for where the end of the journey was. Just walk. Now the logical, mathematical me doesn't really even know how its possible to take off in any direction when you don't know the destination. But Isaiah 55:8 quickly reminds me that my ways are not His! Can I get an Amen to that?! If I said in the midst of being asked to walk with no direction to walk I was not completely frustrated, I would be lying. If I said I wanted to turn back and go to where we just came from just to be in a familiar place, I would not be truthful. And if I said it didn't make me question if I had heard God at all in this area, I would be leading you astray. John and I both prayed relentlessly in this area and both felt God telling us the same thing - W.A.L.K. But it wasn't until we finally decided in our minds and committed to walking, with out turning back, that God gave clear direction. It is just like Joshua 3 when the Israelites are crossing the Jordan into the promised land. God required the priests to step into the water before He stopped the water from flowing. The last time He stopped water from flowing for the Israelites, Moses only had to stretch out his hand. This time God required a step of faith, a step of obedience before He made the path clear. As soon as John and I determined to walk in obedience, not turn back to what was familiar or give up for lack of direction, but trust and obey, God provided the rest of the answer for where we were to walk! It was just like a door opened as soon as we agreed to obey! I had to smile when I realized what had happened.
So many times when we are asked by God to wait for an answer for whatever reason, we start to doubt our ability to hear Him or get clear direction from Him. The enemy loves to put those doubts in our minds. However, the scripture is very clear. 1 Corinthians 2:16 tells us in plain language - we have the mind of Christ! We don't need an e-mail from God! We have His mind already! We only need to sit still long enough and spend enough time in His word to know without a doubt what His good and perfect will is!
I love that about God. He truly is not into guessing games! If I don't have a clear answer or direction, it means I need to sit longer with Him. It may mean I have some sin in my life I need to deal with in order to hear God's voice or it may mean I have to open to what the answer is...even if its no. Or it may just mean He wants to spend a little more time with us, preparing us for the answer. But it never means He doesn't want to give us the answer. The answer is on its way!
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
A little devotional
One of our former adoptive parents and dear friend of mine called me a couple of months ago and asked if I would be interested in writing a devotional for a book that was being written compiling devotions for adoptive parents. I said I would do my best and submitted one of the many lessons God has taught me over the past 11 years in the adoption world! I know it will come as a shock to all of you, but I had a hard time keeping it at the word minimum and gave them the liberty to trim it down however necessary to make it fit! I received an e-mail yesterday and they needed more devotions....and older child adoption was one of the areas they needed a devotion for. So I wrote one this morning and submitted it. Figured I would share with you guys! I will let you know when the book is published! I am so glad something like this is being put together. There needs to be more spiritual support for adoptive families! This is a great start!
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right
now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with
whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” ~Matthew 6:34 (MSG)
We are 19 months into the placement of our 17 year old
daughter, and 13 months into her adoption as our legal daughter. Our first grand baby will be delivered by her
this month. This will put our youngest
at 13 months older than our grand baby. The
last 19 months have held two run aways, one attempted run away, countless words
of rejection and manipulation, having our windows screwed shut and our hearts
broken over and over. Our faith has been
stretched, and our capacity to love unconditionally has been taxed. I had a fellow adoptive mother ask me a
couple of weeks ago, “so would you do it again?” I hesitated a second and answered with a
resounding, “Yes!” God told us this was
the path and we walked it in obedience.
I would never want to walk in disobedience by saying “no” to a request
from the One who went to the cross for me!
Then I quickly added a disclaimer.
If God had presented me with a script of the next year and asked me to take
this child into my home before I had ever met her, I could not have said
yes! My heart would have failed right
there! But that is not what He
does! Matthew 6:34 is clear about
that. He will give us just enough
strength, love, grace and mercy to handle today. We are not to worry about what “may or may
not happen tomorrow.” So yes, I would do
it again! I have learned to trust fully
in God. He is my sustainer and my
literal breath of life to make it through each day…and just that day! In the next few weeks I will become MiMi at
38 years young with 6 children still left to raise of my own. If I dwell on the days ahead I will be
overcome with fear, doubts, insecurities and possibly even regrets. But when I focus on today, trusting Him for
each step, each breath, I make it! And
not only do I make it, but I learn more and more about the faithfulness and
amazing love of the One who called me to this great adventure!
Sunday, July 1, 2012
11 years ago today...In the Beginning Part 2
For those who were not happy about my "to be continued" to In the Beginning, I am sorry! I didn't intend to make you wait this long, but time just isn't my friend in this season, so this morning was my first time to really have time to sit down and finish the story! And what a perfect day to finish it as it happened 11 years ago today!
Eleven years ago today I would hear words that would change my life forever! It is one of the few snap shot memories I have in my life, but I can picture the room and see everything in it like it was yesterday. We had just finished leading the youth and had our car loaded up ready to head back home to Odessa to spend the week with my parents before we jumped on a plane for a week long vacation on the beach between Galveston and Houston. This was a vacation we had planned back in November. This is a crucial detail of God's timing and sovereignty that even 11 years later makes me smile! Debbie, my friend I described in part 1, always kept Callie while we did youth events. It was her service to us. It was a huge blessing and became a huge lesson in my life of how to allow others to serve you as you serve in your role or capacity. I had protested at first when she offered because it was too big of an inconvenience. She finally sat me down one day and explained that I was keeping her from a blessing by not allowing her to do what God asked of her to help us in our ministry. She didn't say it, but God did...pride was keeping me from accepting her help. That lesson has been invaluable to me in the years since. Especially now when life is so chaotic that at times I would not make it without the assistance of my amazing friends who step in to watch a child while I go to a meeting or while John and I escape for a weekend! Back to the story.....
We were done with youth and were picking up Callie from Debbie's in order to jump in the car and leave for our three week vacation. When I walked in, Debbie was sitting in her rocking chair rocking Callie. She smiled at me and asked, "how is the adoption going?" My response was less than energetic! I explained my frustration with such a strong feeling that we needed to do something but at the same time having no direction. She smiled and spoke words that would change my life forever! She said, "I know of a little black boy who is due July 21 and needs a family!" I just laughed. It was the only response I had. Then John walked into the room. I asked Debbie to tell John what she just told me to which she declined! Debbie was a teacher, and John was her principal. Debbie knew John wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea of adopting right now. She wasn't going to be the one to deliver the news! It still makes me laugh thinking about her response! But we did fill John in on the secret and he just kind of shook his head.
We got in the car and headed out for the little over two hour drive to my parents. On the way there, we talked about the possibility. We really didn't have much information. We decided we wanted to find out more and agreed that it would be good to talk to Debbie's sister who was the person who told Debbie about the baby. Debbie's sister worked at a mission. Noah's mom was going to the mission for services. When we look back over the story, we both marvel at the fact that calling Debbie's sister is the only conscious decision we made. Everything else just "happened" as we walked in obedience taking one step after another until we were walking out of a hospital with a beautiful baby boy!
We discovered from Debbie's sister that the baby had been exposed to drugs throughout the entire pregnancy. She also shared that the birth father was unknown for sure. There were several possibilities, but the mother was pretty sure the father was African American. However as we learned more about the story, we knew there as no way she knew who the father was. That was even more evident when Noah was born! We also learned that the birth mother was bi-racial. Her mother was Caucasian and her father was African American. If the father was also African American, we knew we would be introducing our families to their first member with dark skin! We didn't figure they would be thrilled about this idea.
I don't remember having lots of doubts. We prayed about every step! We didn't tell my parents because I knew it would be a battle with lots of questions and frustrations on both sides. I wanted to avoid that if it turned out the situation didn't work out. We were told there was possibly one other family considering adopting the baby. It was not a for sure thing.....as we all know no adoption is, but this was our first experience and we were very naive about a lot of it! We would find an excuse to leave the house and make phone calls to the mission director to gain a little more information. During these conversations we learned that she was hesitant let a white family adopt her baby. Her mother had raised her, but according to what we had been told, she didn't feel like her mother had accepted her African American side. She was afraid a white family would do the same for her baby. I have to say that made me really angry. Here was a woman who was doing drugs while she was pregnant, and she didn't know if I was good enough to be a mother to her baby because I was white?! Don't worry, before this story ends, God would get a hold of me for my arrogance! We spent that week trying to discover what we needed to do in order to pursue the adoption of this baby. We talked to an attorney who explained the process of a private adoption to us.
As God would have it, we were set to fly into an airport that following Friday that was only an hours drive from the birth mother's town. The mission director agreed to drive her to us, and we made arrangements to meet for dinner. With what we had heard throughout the week, I was very nervous to meet her. In fact, I told John, "I am not going to say much or we will never adopt this baby!" I was really angry about some of the things I had heard. I didn't want that anger at the birth mom to come across as we talked. We walked into Olive Garden. We found the mission director who said the birth mom was in the bathroom. When she walked out, my heart sank. She was beautiful, but the effects of her difficult life were all over her face. She was a small woman with a precious baby belly! A belly carrying what was possibly my son. But when I introduced myself to her and shook her hand, it was shaking. This young woman was scared to death. Immediately all my judgement of her washed away! Before me stood a woman who was in a place in life I could not even imagine standing. Yes, some of it was because of her own choices, but those choices were made primarily because of the life she had lived as the child of a drug addict living on the streets. God would speak to me then and many more times throughout the evening about my view of this situation. He kept reminding me that I looked at all this very differently through my middle class raised, educated eyes. If I had lived her life, I would see things in a much different way....they way she was seeing them. And then the lesson that has repeated itself through all my ministry, but by the grace of God would it be me in her shoes too! I did nothing to deserve being born into a middle class, Christian family who loved me and provided me with all the opportunities I could possibly want! We all sat down and began with awkward small talk. But over the course of the next two hours, we would learn much about her life. This was her 6th pregnancy and she was only 26. She had placed two others for adoption, but the other babies were not so lucky. She had 3 abortions. We would later learn that she had planned to abort this baby as well, but her mother had just accepted Christ and talked her out of it. My gratitude for that can't be put into words! After a couple of hours, John just came out and said, "We would really like to adopt your baby if you are ok with that." She agreed that after meeting us, she felt we were the right family for her baby boy. She also shared that she had dropped and was beginning to have contractions. This put us in a pretty weird place! If she delivered the baby that week, we would get off the plane when my parents picked me up with one more child than we had left with! And they knew nothing about any of this at this point.
I made a decision to call them and let them know all that was happening......
More to come! I promise before long!
Eleven years ago today I would hear words that would change my life forever! It is one of the few snap shot memories I have in my life, but I can picture the room and see everything in it like it was yesterday. We had just finished leading the youth and had our car loaded up ready to head back home to Odessa to spend the week with my parents before we jumped on a plane for a week long vacation on the beach between Galveston and Houston. This was a vacation we had planned back in November. This is a crucial detail of God's timing and sovereignty that even 11 years later makes me smile! Debbie, my friend I described in part 1, always kept Callie while we did youth events. It was her service to us. It was a huge blessing and became a huge lesson in my life of how to allow others to serve you as you serve in your role or capacity. I had protested at first when she offered because it was too big of an inconvenience. She finally sat me down one day and explained that I was keeping her from a blessing by not allowing her to do what God asked of her to help us in our ministry. She didn't say it, but God did...pride was keeping me from accepting her help. That lesson has been invaluable to me in the years since. Especially now when life is so chaotic that at times I would not make it without the assistance of my amazing friends who step in to watch a child while I go to a meeting or while John and I escape for a weekend! Back to the story.....
We were done with youth and were picking up Callie from Debbie's in order to jump in the car and leave for our three week vacation. When I walked in, Debbie was sitting in her rocking chair rocking Callie. She smiled at me and asked, "how is the adoption going?" My response was less than energetic! I explained my frustration with such a strong feeling that we needed to do something but at the same time having no direction. She smiled and spoke words that would change my life forever! She said, "I know of a little black boy who is due July 21 and needs a family!" I just laughed. It was the only response I had. Then John walked into the room. I asked Debbie to tell John what she just told me to which she declined! Debbie was a teacher, and John was her principal. Debbie knew John wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea of adopting right now. She wasn't going to be the one to deliver the news! It still makes me laugh thinking about her response! But we did fill John in on the secret and he just kind of shook his head.
We got in the car and headed out for the little over two hour drive to my parents. On the way there, we talked about the possibility. We really didn't have much information. We decided we wanted to find out more and agreed that it would be good to talk to Debbie's sister who was the person who told Debbie about the baby. Debbie's sister worked at a mission. Noah's mom was going to the mission for services. When we look back over the story, we both marvel at the fact that calling Debbie's sister is the only conscious decision we made. Everything else just "happened" as we walked in obedience taking one step after another until we were walking out of a hospital with a beautiful baby boy!
We discovered from Debbie's sister that the baby had been exposed to drugs throughout the entire pregnancy. She also shared that the birth father was unknown for sure. There were several possibilities, but the mother was pretty sure the father was African American. However as we learned more about the story, we knew there as no way she knew who the father was. That was even more evident when Noah was born! We also learned that the birth mother was bi-racial. Her mother was Caucasian and her father was African American. If the father was also African American, we knew we would be introducing our families to their first member with dark skin! We didn't figure they would be thrilled about this idea.
I don't remember having lots of doubts. We prayed about every step! We didn't tell my parents because I knew it would be a battle with lots of questions and frustrations on both sides. I wanted to avoid that if it turned out the situation didn't work out. We were told there was possibly one other family considering adopting the baby. It was not a for sure thing.....as we all know no adoption is, but this was our first experience and we were very naive about a lot of it! We would find an excuse to leave the house and make phone calls to the mission director to gain a little more information. During these conversations we learned that she was hesitant let a white family adopt her baby. Her mother had raised her, but according to what we had been told, she didn't feel like her mother had accepted her African American side. She was afraid a white family would do the same for her baby. I have to say that made me really angry. Here was a woman who was doing drugs while she was pregnant, and she didn't know if I was good enough to be a mother to her baby because I was white?! Don't worry, before this story ends, God would get a hold of me for my arrogance! We spent that week trying to discover what we needed to do in order to pursue the adoption of this baby. We talked to an attorney who explained the process of a private adoption to us.
As God would have it, we were set to fly into an airport that following Friday that was only an hours drive from the birth mother's town. The mission director agreed to drive her to us, and we made arrangements to meet for dinner. With what we had heard throughout the week, I was very nervous to meet her. In fact, I told John, "I am not going to say much or we will never adopt this baby!" I was really angry about some of the things I had heard. I didn't want that anger at the birth mom to come across as we talked. We walked into Olive Garden. We found the mission director who said the birth mom was in the bathroom. When she walked out, my heart sank. She was beautiful, but the effects of her difficult life were all over her face. She was a small woman with a precious baby belly! A belly carrying what was possibly my son. But when I introduced myself to her and shook her hand, it was shaking. This young woman was scared to death. Immediately all my judgement of her washed away! Before me stood a woman who was in a place in life I could not even imagine standing. Yes, some of it was because of her own choices, but those choices were made primarily because of the life she had lived as the child of a drug addict living on the streets. God would speak to me then and many more times throughout the evening about my view of this situation. He kept reminding me that I looked at all this very differently through my middle class raised, educated eyes. If I had lived her life, I would see things in a much different way....they way she was seeing them. And then the lesson that has repeated itself through all my ministry, but by the grace of God would it be me in her shoes too! I did nothing to deserve being born into a middle class, Christian family who loved me and provided me with all the opportunities I could possibly want! We all sat down and began with awkward small talk. But over the course of the next two hours, we would learn much about her life. This was her 6th pregnancy and she was only 26. She had placed two others for adoption, but the other babies were not so lucky. She had 3 abortions. We would later learn that she had planned to abort this baby as well, but her mother had just accepted Christ and talked her out of it. My gratitude for that can't be put into words! After a couple of hours, John just came out and said, "We would really like to adopt your baby if you are ok with that." She agreed that after meeting us, she felt we were the right family for her baby boy. She also shared that she had dropped and was beginning to have contractions. This put us in a pretty weird place! If she delivered the baby that week, we would get off the plane when my parents picked me up with one more child than we had left with! And they knew nothing about any of this at this point.
I made a decision to call them and let them know all that was happening......
More to come! I promise before long!
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