Is it a glimmer of light through an open door or an on-coming train?

So after the BANG, I really put adopting right now out of my mind! I even started thinking how nice it would be to just "be". No big events on the horizon...just settling in as a family of 6! John will be very excited to hear that! I know pregnancy would not be possible (unless a miracle happened) because of the health issues I have been having. So with out adopting, our family would be complete, I think. I could get used to that idea for at least a while.



There was even a situation on the agency's website (the one that had the other baby) that was a baby girl due in 2 weeks. I didn't even consider it, well for a second, but I was determined not to "chase" a baby.



Then I get an e-mail yesterday from a dear friend. She was looking for a job (I still want the rest of that story, you!) and was considering one at an adoption agency. When she got on their website to check them out, she saw that they have a desperate need for families for African American babies. So she sent me the link. Is this a glimmer of light through an opening door, or an on-coming train to get me off track? Is this God saying, don't give up? Or just a friendly e-mail from a great friend who knew I was tossing around adopting again?



I forwarded it to John, and that is all I did. I don't even really know how to "think" about this anymore. I so do not want MY will! So much so that I really can't tell you what "my" desire in this is! I can go either way. I guess that is a good place to be.



I mentioned in a previous post that John has started the Experiencing God Bible Study. I decided to do it with him and ordered my own book. It came yesterday. So this morning, I started it full swing. So these are the summary statements from day one: "As I follow Jesus one day at a time, He will keep me in the center of God's will." and "Jesus is my Way. I don't need any other road map."



As I did the study, the thing that kept coming into my mind to apply this to was adopting right now. These are the statements that stuck out: Jesus said, "I am the Way." He did not say, "I will show you the way, I will give you a road map, I will tell you which direction to go" He said, I am the way!



Then they used the story of Abram again. He is going from being my hero to being a real pain in my you know what! Not really, but man, I wish I was like him! After reading Gen 12:1-5, Blackaby points outs: What did God say? How specific was He? "Leave" and "go." Go where? "To a land I will show you."



What?! So how did Abram know which way to start walking? How did he know whether to go North or South or East or West???? How did he know whether to leave today or in a week or in a year? That is what I want to know!!!! I have never been in more of a place in my life where I want to do God's will! I have no desire to do my will! Yes, I have flesh I fight and sin I participate in unkowingly and have to confess later, but as much as I can in my human state, I want God's will! I want to do His work.



There could not be a worst time for us to adopt. There is absolutly NO circumstance in our life that says this is a good idea. But are we supposed to look at circumstance? And actually that was true the last three times we started adoptions! It didn't stop us then. I would say we were wrong, but I have two beautiful little boys that say differently!



Blackaby says if I follow Jesus one day at a time, He will keep me in the center of God's will. I believe that. And I know in the past John and I have been too consumed with the BIG event and neglected the day to day. I can see maturity in us that we are focusing on the day to day in all areas and seeking God in those things instead of the "Big" things!



But that doesn't make this "adoption feeling" go away! And to say that we don't need to be "walking that way" would be ignoring the overwhelming nudges from God to pray for the mother of our next child that occured back in April when we were not even considering another child! So do I completely dismiss those as bad pizza or do I walk toward adoption one day at a time and see what happens?



So I called some agencies that I have talked to in the past and inquired....waiting to hear back on some and know that it would cost $880 in non-refundable money to get signed up with one (they are being very gracious to us because we are also in ministry!). So what is a girl to do? Pray some more? Walk? Which direction? I have always said the hardest part of adoption is that each decision is a commitment! To get pregnant you just quit preventing and see what happens! Ugh!