Full transparency.....

I have not posted anything about this because I am not sure if any family reads this. But the more I have prayed about it, the more I have felt compelled to blog because the issue I am facing faces so many women longing to adopt. So I decided if I am truly transparent about my life, especially about adoption in order to help others, I have to blog. So if there are any family members reading this, you might want to stop here! Or if you continue, do not be angry that we didn't share this info with you. Didn't want to concern or worry you if we didn't go through with anything.

I have blogged a couple of times about my longing for a newborn aa girl and how God has worked on me some in this area over the last few months. I just looked up the posts where I did that. You can read them here and here.

Well, I have had a very heavy heart about this for several weeks. I have journaled, I have prayed and I have searched situation pages. I have a friend here who is very involved in the AA community and has a ministry to help young moms with parenting skills and other issues. Last Sunday, the baby thing was on my heart so strongly I couldn't shake it. So when I was supposed to be praying for our church (I do that as part of a prayer team during one of our services, but I was the only one in there again!), I was praying for my baby. (I did pray for the church too, just not the whole time!) When I went upstairs to pick up Noah, I thought, "I need to talk to Jody (my friend with the ministry). So I walk next door to get Callie, and Jody is standing right in front of me. So I told her hastily as she was running late to a class, that I feel God calling us to a baby girl and if she knew of one needing a home to let me know. She said she actually had someone tell her about one. So I made contact with her later to find out about that... turned out to be a dead end. So in the mean time I found a situation with a drug exposed mother. I prayed, talked to John, prayed some more, asked lots of questions of the referral service, and started researching. With John's blessing, I started the process of updating our home study for a domestic placement. We went through the whole process (those of you who have had a home study will laugh.....I had to do a home visit on spur of the moment since time was of the essence! My kitchen floor was sticky, and as I opened the door to let my social worker in, I saw a pair or Toben's underwear under the dining room table! Have no idea how they go there, but those things will keep you humble for sure!). I started about Monday, and the girl was dilated to a 3, but had not delivered yet. We didn't know the sex of the baby at this time. I REALLY want a girl and a girl will fit in our bedroom situation as she would share with Ava instead of having to put 3 boys in one room. But as I felt called to this situation, I layed down my "wants" and told God I would be obedient and walk ahead even if it was a boy! So Friday morning I got an e-mail saying the baby was born and is a girl! My heart skipped a beat. We had everything we needed except John's criminal check. His expired Sept. 1. So I ran around like a crazy person trying to see if we could use that for now and then do an update once the new one came in.

I found out we could, so I moved ahead full force, getting more excited with each hour that passed. About mid afternoon, John just said, "I can't do this." I said, "Can't do what?" I knew what he was about to say, but we were also remodeling, so I was hoping it had to do with that! But it didn't, it was the baby. He just didn't think he could do a baby right now. There were many reasons that I won't go into here as those are our private matters, but we talked......I was disappointed beyond belief and began mourning the loss of the little girl I had already brought home to the nursery in my mind and heart.

This always leaves me perplexed. How can I hear God so clearly, yet John says it is not time? Who is wrong and who is right? As I struggled with that briefly, I was reminded that it doesn't matter who was wrong or right, I am to submit to my husband. If he didn't hear God say this is our baby, then my job is to rest in that. Does that mean I was wrong, I don't think so. But to push John when he isn't ready even if I think it is God or to make my husband feel inferior to me spiritually and say that I heard God and he didn't, would be wrong! That would not be respectful or submissive. As soon as those thoughts came to mind, and I rested in them, I was filled with peace. Do I still grieve that little girl? A little, but I know there is a little girl out there, and I know my good God will bring me one when John and I are both ready.

John said the next morning when he was praying that he didn't think we would have to "pay for" (I hate that term, but it is true) a baby. That we would find one just needing a home like we did with Noah. That means more waiting....I hate to wait! But we are home study ready now! :)

I share this with you all because I talk to women every day who struggle because they have a heart for adoption and their husband is not there. So don't stop praying! Keep that heart and ask God to soften your husband. I didn't say pound him or nag him as that will do no good! But pray, God can change his heart! John was done having children with Callie, and now we are looking at number 5 (and six if Sundayma comes to us also!). John, just ignore that last part! FOCUS on the baby! hee! hee!