Prayers for Liberia

Today I am starting my fasting and praying for Liberia that will last through Saturday. I would love for you to join me! The timing of this is not random. Tomorrow and Saturday will be the dates of an Adoption Symposium in Liberia. Here are some of the people in Liberia who are involved:

Sponsored by: The Foundation for Human Rights (FOHRD)
The Catholic Justice and Peace Commission (JPC) and
The Child Protection Alliance of Liberia (CPAL)

Co-Sponsored by: The Liberia Council of Churches, National Muslim Council of Liberia, Liberia Democratic Institute – (LDI), Female Lawyers Association of Liberia – (AFLL)

In Association with: Adoption Services Providers; Child Advocacy International; National Union of Liberian Orphanages and Children Welfare Institute; Children Assistance Program; Mano River Women Network for Peace; Liberian Girls Guide Association; Boy Scouts of Liberia; Liberia National Student Union; Varsity Christian Fellowship; Christian Health Association of Liberia; Young Men’s Christian Association; Young Women’s Christian Association.

The symposium is a two day interactive round table discussion intended to discuss and dialogue on the Liberian Children’s Bill. Principally, the symposium will aim at ensuring that the evolving Children’s Law serves the best interest of the Liberian child. The event will bring together, legislators, policymakers, child rights advocates, Supreme Court Justices, religious leaders, parents and children services providers mainly for the purpose of: a) critically reviewing the draft children bill; b) providing advice to legislators on the rethinking and rewording of specific aspects of the bill that may not be in the best interest of the Liberian child; and c) adopting concrete action programs that will facilitate the scrupulous implementation of the bill when it is passed into law.

Speakers at the symposium will share insights and experiences as well as address the most pressing challenges facing the Liberian Child. Following the deliberations, participants will convene in group sessions and work out recommendations and suggestions to strengthen the children’s Bill and educate and advice legislators on the thinking of a broad spectrum of the Liberian society regarding the draft bill.

A huge thanks and God Bless goes out to WACSN for coordinating this event! The most exciting thing about this whole deal is that it is the Liberians doing it!!!! That has been my prayer forever! We needed the Liberians carrying the torch on that side with us carrying it on this side, united and working together! That has happened! I am so excited about that!

I have always been transparent on here, so no time to stop now! If you are like me, fasting is still a new spiritual practice! You may not totally understand it. I'm still learning also! It doesn't mean you have to refrain from all food for four days! You can really fast from anything...tv, spending, food, caffeine, sugar, etc. It is just a way to focus on God, a way to deny other cravings and replace them with a desire for God and a relationship with Him.

One of the reasons I haven't posted a lot about Liberia is that God clearly told me to step back. He told me to put my focus on licensing here in Texas and getting everything in order for when adoptions do open in Liberia as well as working toward domestic licensing to work on getting the 600+ kids in Texas legally eligible for adoption into permanent adoptive homes. So I have done that. I fully believe it is one more way God has humbled me. I worked and worked...nothing really happened. I believe there were foundations laid by all of us working in this battle. I believe we can all feel blessed by the par that we played, but God waited until I took a back seat before He really opened up the flood gates of movement! Just a reminder that while I must obey and fight when He says to, the battle belongs to HIM! I am so thankful for Angel Rutledge and her willingness to work with me along with Linda from WACSN and many others in Liberia! Those who decided to put aside differences and the "competition" that so often plagues this type of ministry to work toward a common goal!

Over the past week as the preparations for this symposium have gone on. God has taken me back to scriptures that I have marked in my Bible concerning Liberian and specifically Addy's Hope. Some are dated as far back as 2006. Scriptures that I believe he gave me as promises for the work we do over there and promises for the people of Liberia. Those who know me, know that I have come to love Liberia as much as I do my own country. My heart for the Liberians is ever growing as I learn more and more about their plight and their fears of the future!

So it is with that attitude and humble heart that I will be entering into this time of fasting and praying. I will share with you here the scriptures I will be praying for the people of Liberia and specifically the adoption symposium. If you have other prayers you feel God has laid on your heart, or specific scriptures, please feel free to post them in comments so others can see them and pray them as well! I fully believe this battle will be fought and won in prayer followed by earthly action! The battle for adoption goes way beyond the legalities of Liberia! Satan wants to see it shut down everywhere...it is one of the few things in this world that so clearly shows the love of God in a tangible way to the hurting world!

"For you will spread about to the right and to the left. And your descendants will possess nations and will resettle the desolate cities.' ~Is 54:3

"All your sons will be taught of the Lord; and the well-being of your sons will be great. In righteousness you will be established; you will be far from oppression, fr you will npt fear; and from terror, for it will not come near you. If anyone fiercely assails you, it ill not be from Me. Whoever assails you will fall because of you...no weapon that is formed against you will prosper; and every tongue that accuses you in judgement you will condemn. And their vindication is from Me, "declares the Lord." ~Is 54:13-15

Amen and Amen

In Good Company!

When it comes to attacks and hardships, any of us experienceing conflict because of our beliefs or taking a stand...we are in good company! Listen to this!

"I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. 24Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. 25Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, 26I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own countrymen, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false brothers. 27I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. 28Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches. 29Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?" ~2 Corinthians 11:23b-29

And then my favorite part. Paul is sharing about the thorn in his flesh that keeps him humble. I never really realized that is the context with which he then states: "8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Hallelujah! As Beth Moore's daughter, Melissa, said in one of Beth's recent podcasts, "Bring it on! Bring it on!" The fire will bring refining! Through the insults, hardtimes and difficulties, Christ's power will dwell in me!

Oh how I love my God, my Heavenly Daddy who takes me straight to a scripture like this at 4 in the morning after the week I have had full of so many conflicts! His word is alive and active! He loves me so much that He brought me right to the scripture that He knew would remind me why the fires come....He is completing my perfection until the day of Christ's coming! Is it hard? YES! Do I whine a lot? YES! But do I love that my God is working on me? YES!!!!!

Refine me Lord! The fire is hot, and I am excited! For when I walk out on the other side, I will look more like You than I do today and that is what will bring You glory...my whole purpose for being on this earth! Praise You!

And now, I am going to try and get some sleep! Good night! ;0)

The ironies....

It is 3:08 am...been awake since 2:25...there are a couple of ironies here.
1) I deleted a comment on my post yesterday because the commenter said of my recent post on attacks that self-reflection might be needed in order to discover why I was being attacked. I looked to see who the person was (as the heart behind a comment such as that is pretty important), but the person does not have a public profile. I may very well know the person, but when making such a bold statement to someone who is being transparent, I believe the least you should be willing to share is your identity. I am assuming this person probably didn't mean the comment in quite the negative light that I took it, but after the day I had, deleting it felt good...so I did it! My blog, my prerogative, right? :) The irony is, if this person truly knew me, they would know that self-reflection is my middle name! I almost always (almost is the key word) look at myself first in a situation to see what I need to fix...almost to a fault! That doesn't mean I always fix it, sometimes I have to self reflect many times, but self reflection is a constant thing for me...hence the irony that I am awake at 3 o'clock...guess what I am doing...you got it! Self-reflecting on the day yesterday! :)

2) When overwhelmed with all that needs to be accomplished, I often make the statement, I'll squeeze that in between 2 and 5 in the morning...well, guess what..that's exactly what is occurring tonight!

I'm thinking a nap will be in order tomorrow! :)

Battles and Perspectives

Today is a rough day! This is Toben and Ava's last day at their current Mother's Day out program. They have many friends there and Toben has amazing teachers! Ms. Becca even cried when we told her we were leaving..touched my heart more than she can ever know! As an inter-racial family we get many responses and to have another person love my African son in that manner just makes my heart sing...and then break since I am moving him.

I have agonized and agonized over this decision. About the time I would think I am over reacting and I need to just let it drop, God puts a lesson in my inbox or in another lesson I am listening to about fighting. The post from the Proverbs 31 devotion is one example. Another is a Beth Moore Podcast that I listened to on a recent trip. She stressed over and over that at this time in Western Christianity, we need fighters! Her words were, "We are in desperate need of warriors, not whiners!" Then she repeated over and over, "We have to STEP UP! STEP UP!" A wrong was done at their Mother's Day out program. Two specific children with special needs were discriminated against, one was my daughter. The only choice given to me was to move my child (which I was informed would result in a speedy replacement for their program) or leave my job every time Ava needed her diaper changed. Could I do that? Yes, I could, but should I? I don't think so. Should I remove just Ava and let Toben stay? Why would I leave him in a program that seems to have no concern for children with needs or really in the development of a child. I was very sarcastically asked when the issue was being discussed with the director if I had found any program in Midland that would take a three year old who was not potty trained. In fact, I did! Four out of the five I spoke to did not require her to be potty trained (even without a medical condition) and one of them that did said they would make an allowance for her since she has a medical condition keeping her from being on target currently. And the more research I did, the more I found that no child development professional says that children who are not potty trained by 3 are behind! Most state that children will usually be trained between the ages of 2 and 4.

So am I doing the right thing? I wish I could say without a doubt that I am. I can't. But I do know that God needs more people to step up for what is right! So many of the things that I have had to step in and fight for would not have even occurred if the people before me had fought or even just informed others instead of laying down and taking the easy, less conflict path. Just a few of these are the halt on adoptions in Liberia and the agency we used to adopt Eden and Addy that resulted in a denied visa. Because of these experiences, God has placed with in me a willingness to fight a battle even when I may not see the positive outcome of the results, but those who come after me will. That is why I am doing what I am doing at the school.

The other thing I consider on this tough day is perspective. I was reminded that even my adoptive parents don't understand why I want to fight the Liberian government for the rights of the Liberian children and the oppressed people of Liberia. It's not that they don't know the problems. It is that they see a different perspective than I can see. Because of confidentiality among other things, they cannot know all that I know about the officials that I have been called by God to expose. They see their adoptions. The same is true with me and God.

In this little situation with my children and their school, I just see how it effects my kids. The easier road would be to leave them there. But what I don't see is the bigger picture that God sees. There may be a real reason He needs me to remove my children as a statement that intolerance of children with minor needs should not be tolerated, or a director not communicating expectations to parents is not a good way to run a program. I don't know. But I know that God has impressed on me that laying down and letting this incident go without notice is not ok.

So with a heavy heart that the actions of adults have caused my children heartache, I will pick them up today and take them to their new school on Tuesday.

Oh, AND this afternoon we meet with one of Callie's teachers who continues to refuse to follow policies set by the school or provide Callie with all the materials she needs to complete requirements.

Add on top of that my conviction (only mine...I don't judge those without the conviction and wish those without it wouldn't judge me...) to not participate in Halloween in any way on a day when the little kids are having costume parades, and I am beat up before my day even begins today. Well, that is not accurate! I have just had to use my armor a lot already this morning and have a few arrows stuck in my shield of faith and belt of truth where I fended off the attacks from the enemy saying that I should compromise just this once..its not a big deal to put them in some dress-up clothes...well, that would be true except God says NO! Weary of fighting? Me too!

But if I don't fight for my children, who will? As I put on my face book status when all this was coming to a head...this reminds me of the 143 million children who don't have parents fighting for them! And my heart breaks again!

Hope for the Hopeless!

I need a break....

Fighting for what is right...

I receive the daily devotions from Proverbs 31 Ministry...they are wonderful! I would encourage you to subscribe! Today, the title was, "Raising Children with Moral Courage". I have been accused more than once of being too bold or too outspoken. I'm sure you find that astonishing! ha! But the older I get and the more I work in different circles, the more I am amazed at the lack of backbone I see in people. Few are willing to stick out their necks for what is right, especially if it means that they may receive ridicule for their stand.

The devotion said it this way and points to our children:

Although Jesus calls us to a life of forgiveness and compassion, even He didn't tolerate those who dishonored God's holy temple. With righteous indignation, Jesus turned over tables, and drove out money changers and those who were selling doves within the walls of the temple, accusing them of turning His father's house into "a den of robbers" (Mark 11:17). The Bible records many stories of men and women with moral courage. These individuals knew what was right, and were willing to take a stand in spite of their own fear. They weren't perfect, but the heroes of our faith saw injustice as more than a personal offense, they saw it as an offense against God.As it becomes easier to settle into a life of ambiguity, our children are finding it harder to summon moral outrage. Today a challenge is set before us as parents to raise, and to be, men and women who will stand for what is right. We live in a world that needs the touch of God through the hand of His people. We can't be bystanders and make a difference.As parents we can instill moral courage into our children by stepping out in faith to help someone else, in spite of inherent risks. You see, we can't learn moral courage from a book. We can only learn it by being brave once. Then doing it again.

Let's be brave today! Look for ways today that Christ is asking you to take a stand for the less fortunate or the bullied...as I saw the news story this morning of the 15 year old who was set on fire by his classmates, I realize that the world our children are growing up in is nothing like the world I grew up in, and they are going to need so much more courage than even we do to take a stand! So let's now wait another day to model this courage before our children!

Friends....

We are reading through Proverbs as a church. Part of the reading today was Proverbs 27:9, "Oil and perfume make the heart glad, so a mans' counsel is sweet to his friend." I am a margin writer! I have writing all in my Bible! In fact I bought a wide margin Bible to make sure I would have room for all my thoughts! It is just how I process....but sometimes those notes bring pain. Like this morning. Beside this verse about sweet counsel of a friend, I have written, "Makes me think of _____." That blank is filled with the name of a friend who was my mentor and spiritual mentor for four years. Her friendship and advice in my life was vital to the growth I received during that time. She kept my feet to the fire and wouldn't let me stray from the narrow path. I have many times credited her with saving my marriage because no excuse was good enough to quit working on my marriage! And I will forever be grateful for the role she played in that part of my life.



But one day this friend betrayed my confidence in a BIG way. I was shocked. There are people you think will never hurt you in that way. She was one of those people. Her reason for betraying it was to "protect" a pastor...nothing like being thrown under the bus to protect the one who is supposed to be "shepherding" ie: protecting you!



But the betrayal of trust isn't even the deepest wound. As a person who used to have NO mercy or grace for things like this, I extended incredible grace and mercy to this friend. I couldn't trust her anymore with my deepest darkest secrets as I had in the past, but I told her that one mistake didn't erase the years of knowing that she is a Godly woman with incredible wisdom! I wanted to maintain a friendship with her....it would look different, but she had meant so much to me for so long, I was not willing to walk away from it all together.



She obviously felt differently as I have only received a couple of e-mails from her since that time and the last one I sent to her went unanswered.



As we have moved to a new church and are healing from the wounds of the past, I am finding it harder than I thought. I have always been one to seek out relationships and build friendships. But after going through what we did at our old church coupled with coming out of a very dark time in my life, I am finding it hard to take the steps necessary for friendships. I dread being somewhere that I know will require talking to people..sharing my story. As I told one friend, after 35 years, my story is really long! I don't want to have to explain to any more people why I am where I am! I don't want to have to fill them in on the events of the past several years that have brought growth and left scars. Because what if I do share all that, and then they share with someone else. ...or worse, I share all that and then they walk away!



If you keep reading in Proverbs 27, verse 17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, so does one man sharpen another." And that is why I know no matter how much it hurts, no matter how uncomfortable or how much resistance I feel, I must build relationships!



We were not made to walk this Christian journey alone! That is why God calls us to fellowship! We need those around us who can be Jesus with skin on! We need people to carry us when we can't take another step. That is probably the part that scares me the most! I have just come out of a time where I couldn't hardly carry myself much less anyone else! The thought of failing anyone else the way I have failed many friends through this time hurts my heart. But the enemy would like nothing more than to keep me in isolation....to believe those thoughts of, "It's better just to be alone...then no one expects anything of you and you don't have to share your story with anyone." If I am alone, just like a deer falling to the back of the group, I am easier to attack and take down.



So with that knowledge, I press forward! God has put some amazing people in John and my life. People who just seem like friends from the start..natural relationships that don't really have to be "worked at". They haven't all gone beyond surface yet, but they will. God has placed us in an amazing Body of His that shares our heart for people and wants to further God's kingdom. It is not perfect since it is made up of people like me. But it is perfect for us and I look forward to new friends who can walk this journey with me and I with them!

A Vessel for the Smith

I think I found the scripture that sums up my really long post about being undone and redone:

Proverbs 25:14 ~ "Take away the dross from the sliver, and there comes out a vessel for the smith."

God, thank you for removing the built up dross from my heart and soul! Thank you for never giving up on me no matter how many times you have to tell me or teach me! Thank you for promising to complete the work you stated in me until the day Jesus returns! Thank you that you will continue to remove even more dross from my gunked up heart and soul in the days and years to come...even during the times I plead with you to stop...because You know what is best for me and only You know what the future holds! I thank you for this process Lord because my one desire in this life is to be a vessel for you, the Smith! Form me and make me into what you need me to be for Your work! ~Amen

Prejudice Mandated

In Esther by Beth Moore, she states, "The palace inflicted a prejudice on the population that most didn't originally - or perhaps ever - share. The enemies of the Jews in Esther were a small group in leadership."

And so it is in Liberia with adoption! God have your way with the officials of Liberia that are blocking what the public desires and deceiving many in high places of leadership in Liberia to inflict their prejudices on an entire nation!

Introducing.....

Bo!

This is the newest member of the P-tree family! Several weeks ago, I was having major nesting and nurturing issues. The nesting thing is actually great! Gets closets cleaned out and me organized! That is always a good thing. However, that nurture thing...well, it can get me in trouble!

Callie had been looking at puppies on the internet for weeks. We had been to the pound several times, but didn't really find what we were looking for. But one weekend when Callie and Noah had a sleep over, John, me and the little ones went to the pound just to see what was there with out really emotionally attached children with us.

When we walked in the door, there was this cutest black ball of fur! He was headed out with another family, but they said they didn't neceserily want him, but didn't want him to be put down. So we agreed to take him! So he is our wonderful pound puppy! Everyone we have talked to thinks he is 1/2 Shit-Zu and 1/2 poodle. He is so much fun! He was about 10 weeks old when we got him. He has been the best puppy! He loves to cuddle and snuggle. He would rather be with me than the other animals (something that is not true of my other high dollar pooch!).

He has been so much fun...and like all our pets, he has been great with our kids! He is even catching on to potty training pretty well.

John named him. He wanted to make sure it went with "Bella", the name of our other dog. He wanted to name him Bob, but that is his dad's name, and I knew that I would be the one blamed for that! Hee!Hee! So I refused. So Bo it is! And it just fits!!!

Undone and Redone

This post has been rolling around in my head for a few weeks, maybe even months. Frankly, I haven't had the time to sit down and process it enough to write it. But since I am at home with a sick little boy and missing church, I figured this was a good time to sit and process and write!

I have been undone by God many times since I came to know Him as my Savior 25 years ago. Wow, that just made me feel old! There are times when He was stretching me so far I just knew I would pop! But right before that moment where I could take no more, something would give.
I have been in one of those times for almost three years! Every time I think the "give" is coming, something else pops up and stretches me even further. Frankly, I am tired. I am weary, but giving up isn't an option...so I have spent a lot of time pondering and contemplating!

But this being undone is different! It is stretching, it is growing, it is learning more about who God is and who I am in Him, but it is also creating a brand new me! More than just my mind is being transformed by the renewing of His Word.

I can just feel God totally undoing me and then redoing me again. It is like he is taking me apart piece, by piece and putting me back together the way He needs me to be in order to operate the way He needs me to in His kingdom. The down side of this painful process is that I know no matter how much He does to me right now, I will still need to grow and stretch as I will never reach full maturity this side of heaven. But the really big up side of this is that I am learning to be who He called me to be and learning to do what He has called me to do with joy!
I am not there yet! But it is like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is not an on-coming train this time!

I have struggled as you know if you have read my blog for long with what God has called me to do over the last 8 years and the outcomes that have come from my obedience. I have subscribed to what I call the "American" Christianity where I think if I obey, then somehow God owes me a good outcome, or at least one that rewards me just a bit for my obedience. The problem with that thinking is that it is totally unscriptural. I could go on and on about that, but I will leave it at show me more than a handful of Bible stories that have a happy ending this side of heaven? The words used in Hebrews 11 when referring to the hall of fame for faith walkers are: mockings, scourging, chains, imprisonment, stoned, sawn in two, tempted, put to death with the sword, destitute, afflicted, ill-treated, did not receive what was promised. Does that sound like happy endings? Does that sound like something you would sign up for? Not me! But the last verse in Hebrews 11 says, "because God has provided something better for us, so that apart from us they would not be made perfect." Ah, there is the key!

I have talked before about head knowledge versus heart knowledge. Well, this truth in Hebrews 11:40 is starting to become heart knowledge! I have walked this out in my own life now. I have not been stoned or sawn in two, but frankly after some of the hell Christians have put me through over the past 8 years, and specifically the last year, being stoned to death sounds like a vacation! But through these experiences, I have learned "God has provided something better for us"!

There are several MAJOR walks I have taken with Jesus that were in direct obedience to Him and only caused me and those I love pain and suffering. Some are too private to discuss on this public forum, but some I have talked openly about. Two of those are adopting Eden and Addy and obeying God to open and operate Addy's Hope.

The pain caused by these walks have lead me at times to want to turn my back on God. You have been a part of a few of those times through my honest and transparent posts. I couldn't understand how a loving, righteous and caring God could allow some of the circumstances that I found myself in after walking in obedience. But just like the Hebrews 11 passage eludes, circumstances do not dictate our reality!

So over the past few weeks, I have heard what I believe is the answer God has been forming in me through all these tough times. I have been looking for a miracle in all these areas! Faith has never been hard for me...Addy died: that hurt, but I knew God would use it some way for good; Eden's adoption failed: after I came back from walking away from God, I knew there were vital lessons learned about God in that journey and the work he was doing in me was way more important than the outcome of the adoption (still working through that one totally even 4 years later); adoptive parents ridiculing because I take a stand for ethics and legal activity: God taught me that I am to please Him not man; and the list goes on. Faith to take the journey was never a problem, but accepting the outcome, whatever it is, has been! In each of these, I just wanted God to "poof" something and make my little world happy again. But I am learning that while God can work that way, He usually works a work in His people instead.

What have I heard God say in the past few weeks? It is this: You are looking for a miracle that makes your work/life easier or lighter. But what I want for you is to provide the miracle of equipping you to do the work I have called you to and fulfill the purposes that I placed you here for this time and in this place. And to do it no mighter how heavy the load with JOY!

Let that soak in! I've been trying to let that soak in for about three weeks now! I had told John that I thought God was telling me that, and then the very first video session of the Beth Moore study, "Esther", that I am doing had her quoting the exact same thing! Coincidence? I don't believe in coincidence in God's kingdom! He was using Ms. Moore to re-enforce what He is trying desperately to get through my thick skull!

You might not think believing God will equip me is such a big deal! But if you could get inside my head and see the thoughts that cross my monitor in there and are played on the radio of my inner mind (I know that thought just caused many of you to shudder!), you would know the magnitude and the truly miraculous work it will take for God to do just that! For me to walk forward in JOY in what He has called me to will take God convincing me I can do it and it will be fun while I do! You see the thoughts and sounds I hear in my head say, "it is too much!", "others aren't called to do this much, so you need to give something up", "you will never accomplish all that is on your plate", "you are being a horrible mother because of the time the agency takes from you", "you are all those things people who don't know you say you are and those nice things people who know you say are just because they only know part of you. If they knew all of you, they wouldn't say those things!" And the list goes on and on.

The miracle God is doing in me is to silence those voices! It is to get up and act on my reality instead of sitting and pondering my circumstances! Circumstances say it is too hard and I will never get it done....and so do some people in my life. But reality is I am a daughter of a King! I am a Princess with all the kingdoms assets and talents at my disposal! I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me! (Phil 4:13) He provides in abundance all we need to do His work! (2 Cor 9:8)

Now isn't that exciting? You know what makes me most excited about that? It's not just true for me! It is true for each and every one of you who have committed your life to Christ and made Him Lord! What if we all quit listening to the voices in our heads that are not aligned with scripture? What an impact we would have on this world for Christ!

So next time that thought passes by the monitor of your mind, do a search! Does it align with scripture? If it does, hit the save button before you lose it! If it doesn't delete it and empty it from your recycle bin so that it doesn't take root and cause you to believe a lie!
Thanks for walking this journey with me! I think it is about to get really exciting! Stay tuned...and share the ways God has undone and redone you! It will be an encouragement to us all to hear your testimonies!

DId you hear the shouts??!!!

It is sent! The application and policies and procedures have been sent! I am pretty sure no matter where you live you could have heard the shouts when I clicked the "send" button! I found the paper where I attended my original informational meeting with Texas licensing for child placing agencies. It was October 2004! So four years later, a dream is coming true!

When we started Addy's Hope, Texas would not license internationally only agencies. We started talking to licensing again in 2007, but again they were not sure what to do with international only. Now, we are finally there! In 90 days either our doors will shut or a dream will come true! And considering the battles that have hit us over the past two weeks, I believe God is doing something big and a dream and fulfillment of God's plan for me will be fulfilled! I cannot even tell you the feelings running through me right now!

Along with that letter from my October 2004 meetings, I found the plane reservations for the trip to Austin where the meeting was. It reminded me of what God has done! Let me just share with you the testimony of what God can do!

You see, I went from teacher to stay at home mom, and now I had to attend a professional meeting! I was scared to death! I had absolutely no confidence in myself to even go to the meeting and represent Addy's Hope well. Now comes the funny part! I made the plane reservation on line for my trip. I was so proud of myself! I had signed up for the meeting, and I was on my way! I got in bed relishing in all that I had accomplished. As I was talking to John I said something like, "I arrive in Houston at 9:00..." As soon as it was out of my mouth I realized what I had done! That ticket I was so proud of myself for booking was to Houston, and the meeting was in Austin! So any self confidence I might have had down in my little toe, ran plum out right then! I was able to get the ticket switched and was on my way to Austin.

I still struggle with believing I can do this...so writing 80 pages of policies and procedures totally on my own truly is a miracle!! I am so excited! Not just because I have finished the policies and procedures, but if God can take me where he has over the past 5 years, what will the next five bring?

As I have battled over the past two years with my calling in adoption and specifically the fierce battle in Liberia, I have so many times asked why God hasn't done something. Why did He not move the hearts of men to open adoptions yet? Why did He not silence all the people who have struck me with their words? Why would he not wait to call me to this until after all my children are grown or at least all in school? Over the past 6 weeks, I have heard God tell me over and over again, "The miracle I want to perform is to equip you to do all that I have called you to." That may not sound like much of a miracle, but if you knew how ill equipped I feel to do any of what God has called me to, you would understand! All I have begged for is for God to let me out...to let me take an easier road. When I was on my face at the end of myself, I know He said, "Now, let me carry you! Let me show you just what I can do through you since I have you out of the way!" Ever since that day, He has amazed me! Things that I told John over and over that he would have to do because I couldn't (like write policies) I have now accomplished; and I know it is only because God has equipped me in His own miraculous way! And even better than that is all that I have done since allowing Him to work in me and no longer asking to be let out or begging for a miracle to make it easier, I have done with JOY! I LOVED writing the policies! The time crunches were a little difficult at times, but the actual act of writing them was enjoyable to me!

So I believe I have witnessed a miracle in completing the policies and procedures. To God be the glory!!! Can't wait to see what He does next!

Quotes that Speak

I am reading several books right now, and I love quotes that stand out. So I will share some with you guys!

"I'm not sure we're ever in a more uncomfortable predicament than when we discern evil in someone who other people esteem. At no time should we be more prayerful or careful to search our own sin-driven souls." ~Beth Moore in Esther

"Commit your works to the Lord and your plans will be established." ~ Solomon in Proverbs 16

"The way of the wicked is an abomination to the Lord, But He loves one who pursues righteousness." ~ Solomon in Proverbs 15

"The enemy goes after the defenseless when the strong are weak." ~ Beth Moore in Esther video session two

"He who walks in integrity walks securely, but he who perverts his ways will be found out." ~ Solomon in Proverbs 10

"You will never be more prone to attack than when God pulls you out of where you are and puts you on a wilderness road to where you are going, but you are not there yet." ~ Beth Moore Esther video session two

"Life in the Spirit is like riding a bicycle - balance is everything. One can fall off on either side...If we ran out of gas on the way to a conference, "the devil didn't want us to get there." I've since come to realize that if you don't pay attention to the fuel gauge, you're not under attack, you're underinteligent." ~ Guy Chevereau in Spiritual Warfare: Sideways

"You will be victorious when you are fighting an enemy of God!" ~ Beth Moore Esther video session two

"When we're afraid, we don't just forfeit our peace and well-being; we ultimately give the devil the attention he seeks. Our 'afraidness' is the corrupt, distorted worship he craves." ~Guy Chevereau in Spiritual Warfare: Sideways

"There is nothing meaner than a coward - they won't fight face to face." ~ Beth Moore Esther video session two

"Holiness is not the luxury of the few. It is a simple duty for you and for me. If there are poor in the world it is because you and I don't give enough." ~Mother Teresa

"Do not be afraid of sudden fear nor of the onslaught of the wicked when it comes; for the Lord will be your confidence and ill keep your foot from being caught." ~ Solomon in Proverbs 3

"Humans can gossip like frogs eat flies." ~ Beth Moore in Esther

"Satan has a theory that he's banked his entire accuser's career on: Even the strong grow weak. True enough, but this, Beloved One, is also true: Even the weak grow strong if they set their minds to it." ~ Beth Moore in Esther

PRAISE GOD!!!!

I want to thank every one for their prayers! Received the news today that Ava's MRI results were normal! Praise God! We are waiting to hear what the next step is! We think this is the end of tests, and she will be diagnosed as having mild muscular dystrophy...but shhhhh!!! Don't tell Ava! Those of you who know me, know how much I HATE labels! She will be whoever God made her to be...we don't need any labels to add or distract from that! Nothing we can do as far as treatment for the illness goes, so we just go on as if no one ever told us! :)

With that, I will try (blogger and I don't do videos very well!) to leave you with a video of our little ballerina! (I'm not such a great videographer, so it will turn upright here in just a minute!)

I'm a slow learner....

Ever have one of those times that you have a general feeling that God is calling you to do something. It's something that you wouldn't mind doing, but the timing stinks! In fact, the timing is so bad that you really have to doubt if it is God. I mean really, now? He couldn't be telling me now! That would put me in WAY over my head, God!

I am having one of those times! Every day this "thing" pops up in one way or another! Last night it was in a book that I was reading about Mother Teresa. Today, it was in a conversation with one of the other vendors in the craft show I was in.

But the timing can't be worse. If John and I talked to any of our friends about this, I am sure they would agree. But yet, every time we run, or think there is no way this is the path for us, "it" comes back! If I think about Bible stories, I have no way to weasel out of this "thing" with any of the issues in our lives right now. I have a feeling this is going to come down to an Abraham/Isaac experience: Am I going to lay my life in the alter like Abraham did Isaac and obey God trusting Him in faith to work it all out, or am I going to run the other direction and believe what the world, and even a lot of Christians would say: God wouldn't ask you to do that right now with all you have going on.

Time will tell! God knows my heart's desire is to obey Him and glorify Him in my life. So John and I will keep praying and seeking wisdom for this area! Stay tuned...... :)

Heck of a week!

So after Ava's MRI on Monday, we went to Crane to be with family because John's Aunt Linda passed away. While we were there, Noah tripped over Toben and broke his right arm...two bones, totally bowed....went to the Crane ER..made John promise me to NEVER take me there if I am really sick!

Friday we put our second child under anesthesia in one week...doc was able to set it without cutting it open. Thank You, Jesus! So now we are in a cast and have to go have it checked next week.

In case you are counting that is three broken arms in the P-tree family in about 8 months..Ava, Callie and now Noah. I'm pretty well done with broken arms! The orthopedic doctor should NOT be programmed into your phone!

MRI Over

We are home from Ava's MRI. All went well, Thank you Jesus!!! Doctor's were very impressed with how well she did. I didn't get to go back with her like I said I would before they put her totally under, but she didn't cry when they took her, so that helped me! They were very good with her! The doctor that took her back has 6 children. He had lots of practice with kids!

When she started coming out of the anesthesia, she was very disoriented and more than agitated! She wanted me to hold her, but she wouldn't be still. She was very angry that we would not take the IV out RIGHT NOW! But she calmed down the more she came out of it. They say this is normal for kids coming out of anesthesia. Since we have never had a child who has had medical procedures, this is all new!

They say it will take about a week to have the results. I am really not concerned about the results as God has given me perfect peace! If they show something we aren't expecting, He will take care of it! Now that the sedation is over, all anxiousness is gone!

We had asked her if she wanted McDonald's or doughnuts since she wasn't able to eat or drink this morning. She said doughnuts. But the second we walked out of the MRI lab, she smelled the popcorn that the pink ladies sell, and she said she wanted popcorn. We stopped to get a coke and she was as happy as can be with her popcorn and coke! They also gave her a bear in scrubs complete with mask and hat!

Now she and John are headed to Crane to be with family as John lost his aunt this weekend. Aunt Linda was more than "just an aunt" to John as she helped take care of him and his brother when his dad was being treated for cancer when they were little boys. Aunt Linda will be severely missed by all of us!

The rest of the kids and I will follow to Crane after they get out of school.

This is a busy week....lots of major things happening...God will most definitely have to carry me...but He is so good at that! :)

Ava's MRI

Had Ava's sedation appointment this morning. I didn't get nervous until they started talking about her being totally under-then got a little nervous! I am more fearful of the sedation than of the MRI results! But as God has taught me through this crazy journey of mothering He has taken me on, He loves my children more than I ever could and they are really His kids on loan to me to love and nurture and train in His ways! So Ava is safe in His hands! What peace that brings!

1/4 of the way there!

I posted this on June 20, 2008
When I lose my weight, I am going to pierce my nose! Why you ask? See post below! When I lose 100 pounds, it will mean that God has taken his rightful place on the throne of my heart....food will be forever overthrown! It will be an outward symbol of an inward commitment, a change from the inside out! Just like I wear my wedding ring to show I am committed to John, the nose stud will be to show that God owns my heart, I am fully committed to Him and have conquered my addiction to food! It will be extreme! :) I have been called a prude many times! So for me to show up with a nose piercing will be a shock to many (My parents being among the biggest, I am sure), but I can't wait to get it done! When it is done, I will know I have won the battle! God will be the ruler of my heart and food will be in submission! What a day that will be! :)

Over a year later, I am 1/4 of the way there! There has been a LOT of yo-yoing in that year, but I feel God breaking the grip food has on me, and I am excited! Actually, I am excited about a lot of things in life right now! I am finally learning to listen to that still small voice instead of all the other voices shouting at me in this world! And it is amazing the Wisdom in that still small voice! :)

I love it when He does that!

I love it when God encourages and speaks to me in my morning time with Him in such a real and tangible way! It is like he is sitting right next to me drinking His cup of coffee and looking over my shoulder saying, "That one right there! That is the verse you need to apply to that situation! That is what I have to say about that! Go back, read that again!" What a personal Savior we serve! Do you know Him? Have you walked away from Him? Go back!!!! No matter where you are in life, He wants to sit and have coffee with you! Not to criticize or to point out your sin, but to love and encourage you just like He did me this morning!

As I mentioned in my last post, there are some, the number seems to be growing, who are literally out to destroy me - Addy's Hope as an organization and me personally. Two years ago, they would be successful in their attempts that they have done, but today, I know where my identity is, and it is NOT in them! :)

But even more than just "sticks and stones may break my bones" thinking, God showed me in His word this morning what He thinks about what these people are doing who call themselves His children. See the work I am doing with Addy's Hope is NOT mine! It is God's! I am just the fortunate vessel that gets to be used to see God's hand at work! So when they attack, they attack God, not me.

Whether they call licensing, whether someone accuses me of child trafficking (that was from January 2008 and nearly did destroy me!), whether they question my motives, whether they look at our finances, whatever they want to call attention to, God showed me this morning what He thinks of that.

John 3: 20 "For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But he who practices the truth comes to the Light, so that his deeds may be manifested as having been wrought in God."

If you investigate our past, my past (whether that applies to personal life or Addy's Hope) you will find mistakes! You will find things that should have been done differently. I am not perfect! This is especially true in the early years of Addy's Hope. Did we do anything illegal, no. Did we do things perfectly, no! I have always said we are a perfect example of God taking the totally ignorant and equipping them! When we started Addy's Hope 5 years ago, we didn't have a clue what we were doing! Not a clue! All we knew was God said, "GO!" and we said, "YES!" We were totally reliant on God for each step of the way. Sometimes we took a wrong turn and didn't do things the best way. But we have always sought to do things God's way! And that is what this verse is about!

Those who want to hurl accusations and attacks, bring it on! Because according to John 3:21, when you practice truth, your deeds will be manifested as having been wrought in God! I LOVE IT! We have always walked in truth! So come investigate! Tear our work apart! I have no fear of light, exposure, investigations (John 3:20) because I have NO fear of my deeds being exposed because I have always done my best to walk according to the Light! You will find mistakes as we are not perfect, but you will find no deeds deserving of the attacks these are launching.

I understand these people are bitter because they didn't get their child! I understand those feelings! Been there! Done that! Got the scars! Got the debt (that is a post for another time!)! But when we lost Eden due to true negligence and deceit we were very careful to walk in the Light then as well! We didn't publicly in anyway demoralize the organization and especially not the person! When asked about our adoption, we told the truth! We looked into what could be done to hold the agency accountable (not much!) and did those things. When asked what agency we used, we told. But we were very careful to handle it in the way we felt God would be honored and approve. So I know that even in the pain felt by these people hurling the insults, there is a higher road to take! I've walked it!

I know God has done a great work in my heart! When Eden's adoption failed 4 years ago, I had to work at not being bitter and forgiving those who caused me the pain. But today, well, I don't have to work at it. Is there anger, a little, at times. Mainly when I am already down and satan uses that as a jab! (which goes along with John 3:19 that says these works are evil....satan uses evil works to discourage the work of Jesus among His people...plus the main ones right now are doing everything "anonymously" which is NOT walkign in the Light! In the Light, all is exposed, most certainly your identity) But more than any other feeling is sorrow. Sorrow that people who claim to walk according to the Light would participate in such dark actions. People who claim to be children of God would act in such a manner only shows that they have no clue about the cross and the Savior they say they accepted as Lord. Sorrow that they walk in such bitterness instead of the joy that is supposed to be ours as Christ Followers.

So today as I go to work...a job that will not bring a paycheck this month because Addy's Hope is broke...I thank God that my work in Addy's Hope...even in the criticisms...has brought Proverbs 4:13-15 to life for me: "How blessed is the man who finds wisdom and the man who gains understanding. For her profit is better than the profit of silver and her gain better than fine gold. She is more precious than jewels; and nothing you desire compares with her."

We haven't gotten rich off Addy's Hope. In fact, just recently we have gone into debt a great deal because of it. But I have gained more wisdom and understanding of God's word and His truths than I could have ever imagined! And that my friends is a jewel that nothing I desire compares with!

Praying you have a day full of God's Light and Truth that encourages you to keep walking in Him as it has me today! Be blessed!

It aint easy!

Yesterday when I shared with a friend what I was doing, she responded with something like, "Man those arrows keep coming at you, don't they?" Yes, they do! But I am hoping my attitude about those arrows is a little better than it has been in the recent past. Let me explain.

Today's lesson in A Call to Die is "The Risk of Grace". Nasser says: "Far too many of us are content with being comfortable in our faith. As long as Jesus doesn't ask too much of us, as long as we get enough good feelings, as long as it's fun to be a Christian, as long as nobody turns up their nose at us when they find out we believe, we hang in there. But that perspective is phony Christianity. It's not the real thing." Man can I relate! As I am sure you can too!

Nasser goes on to talk about Moses. God has used this man to encourage and spur me on in the battle in Liberia for almost two years. From the beginning, the people that Moses was trying to free turned on him. They were choosing slavery over freedom because it was hard. Pharaoh laughed at him that such a common man would even try to tell the most powerful king what to do. I don't need anybody laughing at me, I feel that way on my own about my government work.

I have said for some time now that the hardest part of my job is not the governments, but the people that I serve who are adopting. Not all of them! God has sent me some amazing families who are dear friends because of the journey we have taken on this crazy roller coaster. When you deal with something as personal as people's children, emotions run high! My black and white world has been rocked with the view of many Christians that believe in an adoption at all costs mentality! My stance for ethical and legal adoptions has turned some families away.

Yesterday we had a meeting with our licensing agent for Texas Child Placing Agencies. We have been in communication with licensing since we started in October 2005. At that time they would not even discuss licensing with us because we were a international only agency. But we have stayed in contact with them. Over the past two years as Hague has been implemented and new regulations gone into place, we have been in constant communication to insure that we were doing what we needed to in order to be in compliance. We need the money to pay the salary of a CPA Administrator in order to be licensed. That is the only thing we need. Well, that and a person who fits the qualifications that is willing to take a risk with us! And just finding someone who meets the qualifications has been an insurmountable task! But we have never quit looking or working toward licensing, and our amazing licensing rep, Becky, knows that.


The meeting yesterday was because "someone" (its confidential) filed a report on us. As I told John, I don't want to know who it is because as long as it's just "a report" I don't hold as much resentment. If I knew "the person" it would be much more personal to me and would be harder to work through - like Moses and the Israelites! But from the beginning when Becky called and said she needed to come meet with us, I had peace! Now, if you know me, you know that is a God thing! I am a rule follower to the max! So the prospect of possibly getting in trouble with the state would send me over the edge, but it didn't! And THAT folks is the reason why I am such a stickler about how we operate in adoptions! If you do everything to the best of your ability and don't allow illegal or unethical activities, then you don't have to be afraid of state visits!

John and I were determined from the beginning to turn what someone meant for evil into something good for God. And He has! We were able to talk with Becky about CPA Administrators (anyone know someone with a masters in TX who has experience with any type of child placing agency or emergency shelter, etc???? that needs some extra money for a contractual position??!!!). We also talked about the need here in Texas and what we could do to help the overloaded system. Our region still is short on foster families and have to send kids to other parts of TX because we don't have enough foster families. On top of that, I would venture to say that a high percentage of the foster families we do have are in it for the wrong reasons. Texas children need help and Becky shared with us how we can do that once we have our CPA Admin! She also said we do NOT have to have a fence around our pool as long as we have locked gates on our backyard and a lock and alarm on our backdoor! That means we could be licensed for foster/adoption! But I still wonder if I (or the kids) could handle a baby leaving us. Is this the right time? But definitely nice to know that one more obstacle has been removed!

As I read again about Moses and the people he was called to free, I was reminded that they didn't thank him or tell him "good job". They grumbled and told him they wanted to go back to captivity. That was the thanks Moses received. I feel like Moses many days! And like Moses, I have to run back to Who called me to this to ask for help and get my satisfaction and worth. I don't consider myself a people pleaser, but at the same time, I am very aware of how people see me because I believe as a Christian, we need to be. We are to be a light to the world and a light in the darkness. But being a light doesn't mean letting people walk all over you "in the name of Jesus" or allow those who disagree with you to derail you from your path.

I am learning many lessons through this season of my life. I pray I keep them as I don't want to revisit any of them! :)

A Call to Die - Day 14

Today's title was "Too Full to Eat?" Wasn't sure what type of lesson that would be! Had me a little perplexed, but within the first paragraph, I knew that this lesson was just for me right now!

What Nasser is getting at is that we have two tables to which we can pull up our chair and feast: God's and the world. If we fill up on the world before coming to God's table, then we are too full to eat the good "food" that God provides. And likewise, if we fill up at God's table, then we are too full to eat the junk offered by the world.

Anyone who has known me for any amount of time knows that I openly share my food addiction. My early years were filled with excuses as to why I am overweight. I would blame a medical condition or that I "just can't lose weight". But the truth of the matter is, I eat more than I consume or I wouldn't be overweight. But even with that realization and facing that truth head on for the past five or so years, I still battle my food addiction.

That is why during this 40 days of A Call to Die, I am doing the modified Daniel Fast. I need to break the hold food has on me. I need to learn to eat at the banquet table of God first!

I LOVE how God teaches so many spiritual truths to me in my physical world so I can really understand what He wants from me. As I read today's lesson, I knew that so many times I fill up on the "world" and that leaves me empty, but not hungry. Leaves me dissatisfied, but full so that I don't look to God for the water that will make me never thirst again or the food that will fill me so I will never be hungry.

I related it to the fast...since I am fasting from sugar, my taste buds have changed. Where grapes of an apple usually just seem like a healthy snack, now they meet the need of a sweet tooth! They taste so much sweeter now than when my mouth is used to eating all that sugar. Sugar waters down the natural sweetness of the fruit. Yesterday I made a cake to take to our small group. I had a really bad sweet tooth yesterday. But instead of taking in all the sugar in a cake or brownie, I picked up an oat bar that had only fruit and cane juice to sweeten it. Was it as sweet as the cake would have been? No where close! In fact, the kids don't like it at all because it tastes bland to them! But to me who is 20 days into no sugar, (yes I'm on day 14, but day 20 of the fast as I didn't do some lessons on the days I was sick...so numbers will be off!) that oat bar satisfied.

The same is true of God's Word! When I eat the junk of the world, it waters down the sweetness of God. Yes, food really does provide for me an immediate comfort, an immediate satisfaction. That is true. However, as soon as that last bite leaves my mouth, I want more and feel emptier than when I first ate! But God's Truth leaves me satisfied for the long haul! It may not provide an immediate satisfaction as I have to ponder it, memorize it, meditate on it, and often even sit and listen time and time again before God reveals to me all He wants to about a morsel from His Word. But in the long run, in the bigger pictures, it is so much more satisfying that anything this world has to offer me!

Yet, I still find myself "elbowing" as Nasser says my way into the world to make sure I get my "share" of what it has to offer instead of walking right past that table to sit with my Heavenly Father at His feast and drinking in all He is and wants for me. I plan to change that practice! I want God's food! I don't want the junk this world has to offer. The few times in my life that I have chosen to bypass the world to sit with God at His table, I have found that I am viewed as a "radical", a "Jesus Freak". That would make me pull back and reevaluate myself. Not that I mind being a "Jesus Freak" or a "radical", but these comments when made by other Christians have made me think I was going too far in my views. But what God is teaching me is that in this world, a world that has feasted way to long on the food the enemy pours into us, even most Christians don't know the sweetness of His RADICAL Truth! Therefore, the only voice I must listen to is HIS! If He is well-pleased, then no one else matters! And when I surround myself with mature, wise Christians whom I have given permission to speak truth in love to keep me on track, then the other voices can fall by the wayside. I don't need to entertain every criticism that comes my way!

Oh what freedom comes in eating at God's table! Will you pull up a chair and eat with me? What junk have you been eating that makes God's banquet of pure and holy food look undesirable? Don't let it lead to guilt...that is from the enemy...he wants to keep you at his table! Instead, confess it, let God take it away and pull up a chair at His table! He will fill you!

Coming out from under the rock...

Since returning from Liberia, I have been hiding under a rock. I have still been working, taking care of family, etc, but I really didn't want to talk to anybody or share any thoughts. I have hated the question, "How was your trip?". (Anyone reading this who asked me that, please don't take offense or feel badly for asking...it is a very natural question!). But I don't know how to answer. You probably really don't want to hear how my trip was because that would take, oh, a day and a half to explain. Most of it is not real warm and fuzzy like you expect a mission trip to be. Add to that the personally challenges and battles that hit me square in the face upon coming home and you have me, hiding under a rock because it is the only place I know to go!

But under that rock I have been doing a ton of reading! I know God doesn't want me under a rock..I am supposed to be a light shining on a hill for Him, not a toad under a rock! But when I would think on that, it would just bring more guilt, so I just chose to quit thinking.

I won't go into all details here as they are too personal to share on such a public forum. But for the second time in my life I tried to walk away from God. I tried to take my fire insurance and leave. Last time I tried that was when I came home without Eden from Sierra Leone. That lasted about a week and a half. This time it lasted about...oh...two days! I just don't know how people run from God! As hard as I tried, He was always right there in front of me saying, "Really? This is really the way you want to go? You really want to believe those lies floating through your head? You know My way is the best way...even when it hurts and is tough!" And when I wanted to ignore that voice in my head, my dadgum (never wrote that before...have no clue if it is even a word, but that's how I'd spell it if it were!) spiritual husband telling me the truths I knew but really didn't want to hear!

So over the course of the next few days, I am going to post some of the quotes from the books as well as the many lessons God is teaching me right now. As John said as I was sharing some with him, "God is really kicking your tail right now, isn't He?!" Yes, He is!!! And I am grateful for the tail kicking! I am in need of it!

I have lost count of the days of my fast. I will stick to the fast until I finish A Call to Die. It is 40 days, but since there have been a couple of days that I haven't done the lessons, this may end up being a 60 day fast! Great motivation to do the lessons every day!

The fast has truly been amazing! This is the first time I have fasted and really felt it had any spiritual impact. It has taken my focus off the two things that compete with God the most in my life: food and things. And the most incredible thing is that the draw of these two idols is weakening! I can feel it! I don't really know how to describe it, but I can feel it! I have always thought women who said they "forgot" to eat a meal were nuts! I mean, come on, how do you "forget" to eat? Well, I don't know that I forget to eat, but many times I walk into the kitchen when I know I would have comforted myself with some tasty morsel in the past, and now, I just walk out. I don't even want to eat! Sometimes its because I don't want to eat the food I can eat: mainly fruit, nuts or cheese. But sometimes it really is because food has no hold on me...my body isn't needing food, so I walk out! Freedom! I can taste it! And BOY does it taste good! :)

A lesson I learned just this week, well I didn't really "learn" it, but God reinforced it this week. I have had a horrible sinus infection for the past almost three weeks. You know mommy can't be sick! Well, this one has been horrible enough that is has knocked me on my tail where mommy had to be sick! (Side note: if you have e-mailed me or called and I haven't returned it, this is why! Sorry! Praying I will be back to health this week!) So those days that I just felt like a truck had run over me, I went off the fast. I mean, surely God doesn't expect me to be sick *and* not eat any comforting foods, or even just have to try to come up with something to eat on a menu that takes some creativity when I don't even fell like lifting my head. This week, I learned, yes in fact, He does expect that! He gently reminded me that obedience is required NO MATTER WHAT! Sick, healthy, rich, poor, frustrated, happy, joyful, sad...it doesn't matter my "mood"! Obedience is always required and expected. Kind of like me with my children! :) Yes, I give them a break if they are a little cranky because they don't feel well, but they still have to follow rules and obey me when I give them a direction.

So no more going off the fast until I am finished with A Call to Die! I will walk in obedience..for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health forsaking all others as long as I shall live!

So I will leave you this morning with some sweet quotes from David Nasser in "A Call to Die". You really should read/do this if you never have! It would be a great activity for married couples or small groups! My friend Karen and I are doing it together! It definitely helps to know you have someone walking it with you....accountability is an amazing motivator!

• "It' much easier to be a nice Christian than a radical one." page 8
• "He [Jesus] doesn't take it for granted that you and I will be willing to follow him along his path of radical obedience to the Father. Jesus is no bully. He doesn't try to get us to pack our bags for a guilt trip. No, he simply offers that path with all its hardships and joys, and says, "If you want the greatest adventure life has to offer, here's what the ticket will cost you." Quite frankly, the vast majority of Christians look at the brochure and say, "No thanks. The price is too high. I"ll settle for something else." page 13
• "You and I will face excruciating moments, too when it seems God is asking too much and nobody is there for us....It is a call to die, a call to let your selfishness starve to death because you don't feed it. If it won't starve, we have to grab our selfishness by the throat and strangle it. Once again, remember we're talking spiritual, not physical issues. Because Satan is not gentle in dealing with us, we cannot be gentle in dealing with sin." page 17
• "When you and I feel insecure, we are more open to God speaking to our hearts." page 32
• "The call to die requires a will of steel to persevere and make those hard, thankless choices to honor God instead of serving selfish desires." page 41

Stop Child Trafficking Now!

Many of you know that I was accused of Child trafficking when we brought Toben and several other children home. I was outraged! When you read the date below, you will understand why! Child trafficking is a sick and disgusting business that must be stopped!

This is a very personal issue to me. I worry often of what will happen to Eden since she didn't get to come home! I also work in adoptions with integrity and high standard of ethics so to not even give the allusion of anything close to trafficking. So what I am posting here is dear to me...and therefore, Addy's Hope is getting involved! Please help us help them!!! We need you..donate....walk...whatever you can do! Right now we only have two people on the Addy's Hope team...Thomas and I are going to be really lonely if more don't walk with us...and we need donations to support us! Go here to donate to our walk or sign up to be a team member if you are in the Midland area! We need you!!!!

Walk or Donate

Bring awareness and an end to the trafficking of humans!


Stop Child Trafficking Now Walk
September 26, 2009
Midland, Texas
(check for a walk in your area by going to the SCTNow website!)
Grande Stadium Ballpark
Check-in time: 9:00AM to 10:00AM
Event: 10:00AM to 12:00PM


Go HERE
Register to Walk with the Addy's Hope Team and help us raise funds for SCTNow!
Donate online to any of our team members to help!
Tell your friends!



If any of you have followed Addy's Hope for anytime, you know our heart for children! God has grown that heart and stretched it over the years. We know have an opportunity to partner with an organization to Stop Child Trafficking Now!

In countries with uneducated officials and public, adoption and trafficking are often confused. The two could not be further apart. Adoption is what God has done for us. He brought us into His family to love, protect and care for us. This is what adoptive families do for children they adopt. However, child trafficking is the recruitment, smuggling, transporting, harboring, buying or selling of a child through force, threats, fraud, deception, or coercion for the purposes of exploitation, prostitution, pornography, migrant work, sweat shops, domestic servitude, forced labor, bondage, peonage or involuntary servitude.

Child trafficking is one f the fastest growing crimes in the world. UNICEF values the global market of child trafficking at over $12 billion a year with over 1.2 million child victims. Men, women and children are all victims but, the most vulnerable groups, those with limited rights or protections, have been the hardest hit....especially children.

Trafficking children into the sex industry is done because there is a demand. Predators seek out vulnerable victims and lure them under false pretenses into situations they cannot escape from. No matter the reason, the children have become sexual commodities to be bought and sold for the pleasure of exploiters. These children are scarred for life and need help - your help!

Stop Child Trafficking Now believes strongly that to eliminate this heinous crime the demand for children must end. That's why SCTNow seeks to destroy the source. SCTNow believes that by putting predators behind bars we can Stop Child Trafficking Now and Addy's Hope is going to help!

And the winner is....

I finally drew for the nativity set that I raffled off, and the winner is Nancy from Michigan! Congratulations, Nancy! And thank you to all who helped with Callie and my trip! It was wonderful. I still need to blog about her experience and the chimpanzee! Maybe this week! :)

For Debbie and Karen

Debbie posted a comment on my last post. It was a very honest and straightforward post. I like that. The only problem, Debbie, is that you don't know me. You make many assumptions in your comments that are not true, but part of being transparent on a public forum like a blog is that criticism such as yours from people who don't really understand/know your heart come.

I assure you that I am not just sitting back and saying God doesn't exist. If that were so, I would not be feeding 51 children with my own personal money as well as the many other things I am doing.

However, in Job that you quoted, Job does question! So I don't believe as you alluded that it is wrong to question at all! What would be wrong is to stay there. This is why I am fasting and praying...in order to not stay there.

Any Christian I know who has stretched themselves beyond themselves have had the same questions I have had. One of the reasons I share is because I don't believe enough Christians share their struggles. Most Christians in the churches I have been in put on their masks and tell everyone they are "fine" when they are really dying on the inside. I believe if more of us would be honest, and walk through these crisis of faith with each other in love without criticism and blame, more Christians would take more risks. But when you take a risk and find yourself in unknown water, there usually is not another brother or sister to walk with you because that would mean they would have to admit they had a weakness too...not many are willing to do that.

If one person can relate to what I have written and continue on in a walk with God because they know they are not alone in their struggles, then putting myself out there to be criticized is worth it.

And, Debbie, you hit the nail on the head with one of your comments....you alluded to people being the ones to not do things. To that I say, AMEN! If more "Christians" were doing more, we wouldn't have orphans, or poverty or many other things...at least not nearly to the extent that the world does right now! So if you are reading this and haven't done something to help someone less fortunate than yourself in the last month, I challenge you to do something...serve at a soup kitchen, donate food to a food bank (and not just the stuff that you won't eat..have your family skip a meal and donate that meal to the food bank!), donate to an organization that feeds orphans (I could put you in touch with a really good one! hint!hint!), or just take a sack of groceries to the door step of a family that you know is in need. If we would all do just a little bit....we would impact the world for Christ....

and despite what my latest posts have said, that is truly the heartbeat of my life, and those who truly know me and know the struggles that are in my life right now, know that...I am just being stretched right now....and being stretched is always painful and difficult!

Karen, thank you for understanding, relating and being willing to put yourself out there too (Crissy too!). You ladies are dear to me! And Karen, YES, let's do it together! Burdens are always lighter when divided among friends...and this is why I love the Body of Christ!

A Call to Die - Re-entry processing Part 1

*Warning - you are about to enter my thought process on re-entering American culture after a trip to Liberia...read at your own risk! :) And please don't judge my grammar or punctuation as this really is my thought stream! *

I am back from Liberia. Callie and I got in on Thursday night. She was amazing! There are no "aha" moments of life change for her, but you can't help but be changed after being there and seeing what she saw. She was right at home! No running water much of the time, no air conditioning, raining almost 24/7, stuck inside with 51 kids, and she never complained! I had to stop and remind myself that this was not her first time there as she was just so at home there and with the kids! I have an amazing daughter!!! She taught the kids to sing, "That's the way, aha, aha, I like it, aha, aha!" She did some funky dance/walk thing with it, so by the end of the week, I had 51 kids and several staff walking around doing a funky dance/walk singing the same song! It was priceless!

There are many funny stories,but the overwhelming need just keeps me from sharing those right now. The need to process the trip. It wasn't a stressful trip, in fact, compared to my other trips where we have worked the whole time to get clearance only minutes before take off, it was a very restful trip. However, the overwhelming need is still there! Adoptions still aren't open. That means money isn't flowing. That means staff haven't been paid, but are working because they believe in what we are doing for the children. It means the food we bought while we were there was bought with personal money because all the agency money was gone. I just sit and shake my head at all that needs to be done in Liberia knowing that I serve a God who owns the cattle on a thousand hills! I just need a couple of cows to feed my "sheep", yet I have none.

Those things along with some personal issues we have been dealing with has brought me once again to a crisis of faith in my life. Who is God? Is He real? Does He mean what He says? I believe when you come to a place like this, you have to just get real and get with God! You see, I "know" the right answers! If you sit and tell me that God is good all the time, He never leaves us or forsakes us, He only has my best interest at heart, I know all that...but when the rubber doesn't seem to meet the road, you have a crisis of faith.

So what do I do in a crisis of faith? I get before God like never before. As I traveled home, I begged God to answer many questions. Silence. I begged Him to show me how to go on, how to move forward, how to deal with the personal crisis and help the people of Liberia. Silence. Then I asked Him what He wanted from me, "Seek me!".

I read a book 4 or 5 years ago. It is called A Call to Die by David Nasser. When I read it before, I was literally unable to fast from food because I just couldn't do it. I would try, and by noon, I was done with my fast! So when I read it last time, I fasted from day time tv of any kind. It was a good time with God.

Several months ago, I did the Daniel Fast for 21 days. It was a great experience and gave me great confidence in my ability to carry out the spiritual discipline of fasting. But I haven't done any fasting since. I didn't grow up knowing about fasting, so it is kind of a new concept. When I did the Daniel fast last time, any spiritual implications kind of alluded me. But over the past month, I have just felt a heaviness....a need to seek God like never before...to dive deep for answers to questions that no one can answer for me, but God...to see Him real and in ways I never have...to know in my heart, not just my head, that He is good all the time and will never leave me or forsake me.

You see, what I see right now, just doesn't say that, and what I see in my past many times does not either. When in Liberia, I was crying out for God to provide for our ministry. I was reading 2 Corinthians under the direction of the Holy Spirit. Chapter 9 verse 6-10 just struck me as if someone had orally said them to me. They speak of when you sow sparingly you will reap sparingly, and when you sow bountifully you will reap bountifully. I thought about John and I personally. We haven't sowed as bountifully in the past as we should have with the blessings we have received, but we are both changing that! I can say that currently, we are doing much better at sharing our blessings with others. Then I thought about Addy's Hope. We have always been a VERY generous organization! When we have books, we share, when we had money before adoptions shut down, we started providing scholarships. Addy's Hope has always cared for as many as possible...not just the adoption workers and children.

Then verse 8 should be true: "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed." Hmmmmm, isn't caring for children in an impoverished country a good deed? Isn't sharing the love of Jesus with people in a village a good deed? Isn't teaching women how to help other women give birth safely in a country that is number 2 or 3 (depending n which study you look at) in birth death rate a good deed? Then why is God not supplying an abundance and why do we not have sufficiency in everything? Is it because of sin? I'm sure it could be, I am an imperfect sinner in need of my Savior's grace everyday! But I know and God knows that my number one desire in all that I do is to walk in obedience and bring Him glory. I miss the mark many times as is pointed out often by the people I serve, but that is my number one desire.

Then verse 10 really hit home: "Now He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness." I got really excited! I started thinking of all that we can do when the seed for sowing comes in! But it hasn't come yet....we don't have an abundance, in fact, we barely have enough.

So that makes me start questioning the whole "Does God really exist or is this just some bad joke?" question. That may be offensive to some of you, but I don't apologize. It is just a woman who wants to follow God with all her heart sharing where she is right now in the midst of some really hard life stuff! If this verse isn't true right now, is it ever true? And if this isn't true, is anything in scripture true? And this is when you have to stop, take your thoughts captive and seek God like never before for the answers that no person can supply for you!

I picked up "A Call to Die" from my shelf and resolved to do the Daniel fast for 40 days. I want God more than food, and I want to be so focused on God that nothing gets in the way of me hearing what He needs to tell me! As I read Nassar's description of what "deny yourself" means: "to deny it [our selfish interests] means: don't feed it. Identify the source of food for your selfishness, and stray away from those things!", I decided I am also fasting from buying anything that is not necessary....necessary means something the kids need for school, food, or household items to keep it running. But clothes, decorations crafting materials, etc are not necessities and thus are part of the fast. I tend to come home from these trips when things are tough and I don't see a way to meet the needs that face me in Liberia and want to turn my back, forget it all and jump head long into American culture! I didn't used to be that way, but the more I try to help and the more obstacles I face, the more I want to just run!

But I know that isn't the answer. So fast it will be! I know following Christ is a call to die..I was even reminded of that in the sermon yesterday! I have a works background that I know is effecting something core in me that is keeping me bound up, so I will seek what that is, and I will kill it! For the only thing I want alive in my is the heart that longs to obey God...no matter how hard and no matter the cost!

Here is how Nassar put it: "But before we get to the cross, let's understand some things. Jesus begins this statement with a tiny but important word: if. He doesn't take it for granted that you and I will be willing to follow him along his path of radical obedience to the Father."

This is radical! But I am tired of fighting the same fleshy issues over and over as God calls me to a higher walk! "It is a call to die, a call to let your selfishness starve to death because you don't feed it. If it won't starve, we have to grab our selfishness by the throat and strangle it....because Satan is not gentle in dealing with us, we cannot be gentle in dealing with sin." I think I have been playing patty cake too long with some issues in my life. It's time to get it by the throat and strangle these issues once and for all!

Same song 6th verse!

On my way! Trip 6 to Liberia! I am sitting in Brussels airport watching my daughter sleep wondering what the next few days will bring about in her life as God uses the people of Liberia to impress on Callie a world so much different than her own!

Probably will not have internet acces in Liberia much if at all. So no updates this trip like normal. But we are in our new orphanage....so when I get back, I will share lots of pictures...I imagine Kami has already put up a bunch....click on the Orphanage Project button n the right to check and see! I have only seen a few, but what I have seen is amazing!!!!

Will send pics and updates when I can!

They say the darndest things..

John's parents were so gracious to come watch our kids so we could go to dinner and a movie. We don't remember the last movie we saw together! It was a wonderful evening!

When we were leaving, telling the kids bye, threatening the boys with in an inch of their life to behave, Ava asked where we were going. John responded, "We are going to go kiss." Then Callie says, "Go make a baby!" Well, isn't that lovely in front of the in-laws! Needless to say, I was speechless!

Blessings

Callie and I are headed to Liberia! We don't have the full amount....about $4,000 short, but John and I both believe I need to be there, so we booked the flight and are waiting and trusting God for the rest!

We didn't book until Wednesday, so that kind of sent me in a scurry thinking of leaving...with Callie...in a week! So on Friday we went to Goodwill to look for some skirts and cool shirts...especially for Callie since she mainly has knit and denim capris that would be really hot!

Well, we ran into an old friend from Garden City at Goodwill. We had a basket full of stuff as we ran across tons of kids chapter books in series (like Babysitters Club, Goosebumps, etc). I sale those on Ebay and make good money back, so we bought them to sale to help make money for the trip. We start talking to our friend Renee and end up in line behind her. When the lady tells her the total for her purchase, Renee tells her to keep ringing us up! I was floored! She paid for all of our purchase as well as giving us some cash for "airport snacks". It was such a blessing and encouragement on a day that had been filled with battles starting at 5:00 am with a phone call from Liberia! God gave me a shot of encouragement just when I needed it and it was such a promise that He will provide! It was amazing!

So thank you, Renee, for blessing our socks off! And thank you God for perfect timing that encourages and restores!