What a Year!

This week we celebrated our one year anniversary in our new home, our new life....in our promised land.  If I had to describe it in one word - SURVIVAL.

And like never before I can relate to the Israelites who after being freed from slavery in Egypt, questioned whether they should have just remained in bondage versus facing the hardships and trials that their new adventure to the Promised Land brought them.

One year ago, I loaded up the van with the four oldest kids living with us and headed six hours away from my husband, my four babies, the majority of my belongings, my home I loved, my new kitchen God had given me, and every person we knew and both sets of our parents which meant all of our support system! But I was excited!  I remember coming up on Sweetwater where there are hundreds of windmills, the new kind that are enormous and white.  However it was dark, so you couldn't see the windmills, you could only see the red lights at the tops of them all blinking.  It was a sea of red blinking lights.  I had an excitement and anticipation swell up in my spirit as I felt God impress on me that the possibilities for all that I longed for were waiting in our new season in our new home and that they were as endless as the red blinking lights on the horizon.

But it took less than 12 hours for those possibilities to begin to seem few and far out of reach! We arrived at 1 am the morning of the first day of school.  I woke up very sleepy and exhausted kids just a few hours later to head to their first day of school in all new schools. We took first day of school pictures in front of the hotel fountain! Not everyone can say that, right?!

 Small town chick had come to big city and didn't have a clue where she was or what she was getting into with traffic that morning.  The elementary kids were 30 minutes late for their first day of school....and it pretty well went like that for the next few months!

We had just taken possession of the house...our stuff and the rest of the family wasn't here yet, but we took a picture on the staircase! I was so excited....then the moving van arrived with all the boxes!

In this year we not only moved away from all friends, family and support, but we encountered some of the biggest trials of our lives.  This year brought the news that our oldest daughter who we left behind in less than great circumstances had been badly beaten up by her boyfriend, and grand-baby number three had been conceived.  We went through two months of making two house payments that consumed over half our paycheck, we fought a custody battle for our two oldest grand babies, watched as our daughter signed termination of rights, started the process to adopt, saw the largest growth in Addy's Hope in five years meaning I would have to travel back to West Texas at least once a month, walked one child through severe morning and anger over our move, and then all the things any move means - new doctors, new child care, new church, endless boxes, redecorating, new paint, and it goes on and on! And beautiful baby number 3 made his debut in this world!

John's first day at work here was just three days after we moved into the house.  It was about noon that day that I realized I had not been left alone with all four of the babies since we had taken custody of the grands.  John had resigned his position to accept his new one just a few days after we had gotten custody of them.  With the transition happening and needing to take time off to not lose it, he was home during most of the time we were packing to move.  I stood in a house FULL of boxes with four children ages three and under wondering how I would ever get unpacked and have any sort of structure to life ever again!

It would be the fist of many times that circumstances would overwhelm me to the point that I would just sit down and cry.  It was all I could do.  In those moments, I became like a grumbling Israelite! It didn't matter what God has for me in the Promised Land, I couldn't see any of it because the circumstances were like the giants that already inhabited my land, and I saw no way around them.  I would have gone back to Midland in a heart beat if it had at all been possible.  None of the promises God had given about the move, none of the potential or possibilities mattered.  I was so overcome by what I saw that faith had no place.  I remember reading about the Israelites and wondering how they could see God do all He had done for them and still grumble.  I don't wonder anymore.  God's hand was all over our move, His hand was all over so many things over the past year, but it didn't matter.  I was still completely and totally overcome with the circumstances of my life.

This year has truly been one of SURVIVAL.  It has been a year of prayers like "God, give me enough strength to get out of bed. God, give me enough energy to make it to when John gets home and there will be another set of hands to change diapers and make sippee cups."  But as I look back over this year, another word comes to mind INTIMACY.  In my need to survive, I pressed into the throne of God like never before.  In my need to just make it one more step on many days, I learned to cry out however many times a day I needed to in order to just make it.  I learned to seek God above all else - because in my moments with Him were when the peace would come.  My moments with Him were when the voices of doubt, fear and insecurity would be silenced....even if for just a few minutes.

And now, 12 months later, there are still many overwhelming circumstances.  But that too has been a lesson of this move....once again learning to live from Heaven to Earth, not looking at circumstances but standing on the promises of God and holding fast to them until circumstance bow a knee and line up with the promises! I have learned to hold to the promises of God found in scripture like never before! I have truly learned what it is for his Word to by my very breath as it is all that kept me breathing!  I no longer ask John to take me back.  I still miss friends and family so badly it physically hurts at times, but as I go back to West Texas, each month, it feels less and less like "home".  Each trip God shows me something else to be thankful for in our move.

But probably the most valuable lesson of the last year is God is faithful!  Even when I don't deserve it, even when I doubt, even when I am whining and complaining, He is still faithful!  I have come to a place  in my spiritual journey where even through the pain of "feeling" deserted, I could still say God is good.  I could still say He is faithful even if I don't see it yet.  Trials that would have left me doubting God's existence - and at times did leave me questioning Him for a moment - were now faced with a belief and stance that no matter what life looks like, I will not waiver in my belief that God is good and He is faithful! He met me right where I was so many times this year with a scripture, praise song or text from an old friend.  He was my everything when it felt like I had nothing.

I know that this season has brought endurance...a trait that I truly struggle with! And just as he has the past 12 months, as I woke me up at 4 and was unable to sleep thinking of all that needed to be done, the first scripture I see is James 1:3 NLT "For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow."  And this morning, as I reflect on the past year, I am thankful!  I am thankful that my endurance has had a chance to grow!  And I am thankful to be able to once again testify that God is faithful, meets you right where you are and stays true to His promises!

And I look forward to the next 12 months.....I am moving into the Promised Land, giants and all!  I am determined to gain all that is mine and not allow the enemy to steal any of it!

For Such a Time as This

The past few weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind as I have found myself once again in the middle of a battle with government and bureaucracy for the welfare of children.  Only this time, it's local!

It took almost two years to secure our contract with DFPS to place waiting children in adoptive homes.  When I first started the process, even the DFPS contract managers told me it would be a difficult and life-draining process.  They were right.  But we knew God had revealed to us the orphan crisis in our own backyard for us to make a difference....not to just walk away and pretend like we didn't know.  So I pressed on.  We placed our first waiting children in an adoptive home in December, and they finalized last month.  If all that work was done for just those two kids...it would be worth it...because every child deserves a home! But there are 13,000+ still waiting.

That's why when I was made aware of a sibling group of four kids who have had parent rights terminated for over a year with NOTHING done according to policy of CPS to try to find an adoptive home, I jumped to action.  Initially just because we had an adoptive home that was open to looking at the possibility of adopting them.  There is so much more to their story and the travesty of it, but that will have to be a post for another time! My efforts to find them a home were met with a huge brick wall!  Texas is undergoing a foster care redesign and evidently sometime between February when I was told adoption wasn't part of it and June when I am trying to find a home for children whom the system has failed for a year now, adoption became part of it.  The details are appalling and make it obvious that the issue is money and not welfare of children, but that too is a post for another day also.

I spent the better part of the next two days on the phone with officials trying to explain the issue that would severely limit the availability of adoptive homes for the 13,000+ children who are waiting.  On July 3, I found myself on a phone call with a foster care redesign attorney with DFPS and a couple of other people.  It became obvious that this was not going to be an issue easily fixed.  I was defeated.  I was left wondering where God was in all of it! I knew He had called me to this work with waiting children of Texas.  It's my passion, it's become the focus of my life's calling to care for the orphan.  But I truly didn't think I could fight not one more battle in the war for these kids.  I was emotionally, physically and spiritually spent with the demands of that battle, the cases I still had to work with Addy's Hope, and the job to be wife to John and mom to 9.  I leaned over my kitchen counter and just sobbed!

"What do you want from me, GOD?!" I screamed from the deepest part of my soul!  I have fought this battle before in Liberia. I had to walk away from that one without success leaving children and families broken in the wake of those events.  What are you asking me to do now?  What more do you want from me?

I knew I had to have a break at the very least.  So I determined to not work for the 4th of July weekend and take that time to enjoy my family.  I spent most of that weekend trying to figure out how to shut Addy's Hope down.  I truly didn't know how I could continue to work passionately for children to keep hitting government bureaucracy that stood between them and forever families.  It was one thing to deal with that in a third world country half way around the world, but to once again be face to face with this monster in my own country, in my own state in a "civilized" society was more then I felt I could continue to battle. But come Monday morning, God was waiting for me when I got still and started my quiet time with Him.

I had heard a couple of teachings on the dry bones coming to life in Ezekiel 37.  I had turned there that morning.  I started in verse 36 to try and get a little intro to what was happening in 37.  As I read, I felt the despair and hopelessness of the situation melt away.  The Spirit of the Lord spoke to Gideon telling him that what he saw with his eyes was not reality.  He told him to tell the bones to get up...then piece by piece, the bones became an army that could fight for him!  As I read, I knew God was reminding me that what I was being told by those I was talking with was the physical world, but God was telling me to speak life into the situation!  He was reminding me that the true reality of what was happening was in what He had planned.  He brought to mind several Words that had been shared with my be key people in my life.  He showed me how they were for this time and this exact situation.  Then He did something I don't know that I can ever remember Him doing in my walk with Him.  He gave me a choice.

We always have a choice.  I know that.  We can choose life, or we can choose death.  We can choose obedience, or we can choose sin.  But this time was not like that.  This time He spoke to me like I would one of my children who were contemplating a decision.  He assured me that He knew the sacrifice this battle would take.  He told me it would be hard,  it will take all you have to fight it. Then He assured me that I could walk away from it.  It wasn't a "you can walk away, but you will be walking in disobedience" rebuke.  It was truly a choice.  I felt like what I think Jesus must have felt in the Garden of Gethsemane.  Obviously not nearly to the extent of sacrifice that Jesus had to make or the agony he felt, but a similar scenario.  God was telling me this is truly a choice.  However, there were some "buts" to that choice.  It was a choice, "but" all the work I had done in Liberia with the government there was for such a time as this.  It was a choice, "but" the working of the CPS contract and having an agency doing only adoptive placements of waiting children was for this time and place.  So much of the heart ache and the walking through the valleys was for this moment.  It truly felt like God was saying, "This is the moment I created you for!  But I know it will cost you, and you can walk away from it.  Just know that all you have suffered in walking out your faith, beliefs and passion has prepared you for this battle. Now what are you going to do?"  He assured me the battle would be won.  He had already declared it in the heavenlies.  However, He also made clear that pulling that victory down from heaven to earth would require going to battle.  In my work with Addy's Hope, I have always felt inferior.  Inferior as a professional, inferior as a tiny agency, inferior in just about every way possible.  Can I tell you something? God knows our insecurities!  And that morning He spoke directly to mine when He said, "Do not be ashamed or timid because you are a small agency - you are David and I will give you the stones of Truth and wisdom to sleigh Goliath."  (And to confirm that one of my amazing families made a reference to David and Goliath just a few days later!)

And with that, I had a decision to make.....

It will be enough.....

Can anyone out there relate to weariness?  I know weary in this season like I have never known weary before.  I thought I knew weary, but this is weary at a whole new level!  John and I were talking the other day.  I know the joy of the Lord is my strength.  I know we are supposed to have abundant life, and I don't believe that life is one that finds us grumbling all the time and ....weary.  Yet, that is exactly where I find myself most days.

I am doing all I know to do.  I am in the Word daily, praying almost hourly, crying out to God - often even out loud - through out the day as I have feelings of being overwhelmed and feel like the water is most definitely going over my head.  So then the voices start accusing me of not having joy on top of all the other accusations that they have hurled at me throughout the day!

I shared with John that right now life feels like I get up, fail at being a good mother, fail at being a good wife, leave work with a bigger to-do list than I started with despite working my tail off all day, fail at health, fail at our finances....you get the picture.  Then I go to bed defeated, wake up - sometimes with a fresh outlook sometimes with just enough strength to get out of bed - and do it all over again.  There are moments of joy when a baby laughs and it makes me smile, or Journey has a new word he uses in the wrong context, or I see one of the older ones nurturing a relationship with a younger sibling, or John schedules me a massage....there are moments of joy, but overall, life is just extremely weary.

So as I look at school starting and entering the fall season where our schedule becomes double and triple booked most evenings, I almost faint with fear.  I have been trying to gear up.  Yet, it seems God's presence has been just beyond reach the past week.  So today, I just sat down and cried out for a fresh Word from Him.  I just sat in my chair with my coffee...just got still before Him and asked Him to speak.

I opened my Bible, and there was a book mark that took me to Judges.  And plain as day I heard in my head "Judges 6".  So I turn there and start reading.  God promises when we seek Him we will find Him! And today I can testify that is true!

As I began to read Judges 6, I realized it is a very familiar story.  One I had actually read not that long ago after hearing a teaching on Gideon and wanting to do more study on the back story.  There is a part of Gideon's story that I can so relate with! In Judges 6:13, Gideon asks the angel of the Lord, "if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our fathers told us about when they said, 'Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt?' But now the Lord has abandoned us and put us into the hand of Midian."  I have rants like that to God, John and sometimes poor intimate friends who catch me on a bad day!  But God, where are the finances to provide for these children you asked me to care for?  But God, if you are with us, why am I having to fight so hard to keep placing waiting children in homes?  But God where is the money to pay for the adoption of these two babies? But God, where is the time to love and parent 8 children and run a ministry and fight for children? Where are all the promises you have given to me when we walked by faith?

Let me stop there and just say....every huge faith step that John and I have taken in the past almost 17 years have failed.  Yes, failed.  At least that is how it appears when looking at outcomes.  If it didn't completely fail, then the outcome looked nothing like what we had thought it would when we stepped off that mountain into a free-fall of trust and faith into it!  I can remember a few years ago when we were once again looking into the face of a huge faith journey.  I just sat and cried asking God why all my "stones of remembrance" were ones of Him failing me?  But as the years have passed, and as I have gotten to know my God more intimately, I no longer look back at those stones of remembrance the same way.  It's true Eden and Addy didn't come home.  It's true adoptions in Liberia did not open back up.  It's true I am not currently in a relationship with the daughter God gave me a mother's heart for. It's true the contract that I worked three years to complete is in jeopardy after only placing 5 waiting children in forever homes.  But with mature eyes, I can see that in each and every one of those circumstances, I grew closer to God.  He taught me a little each time about faith and trust.  He showed me a new dimension of Himself in each journey we took.  And really, I think that was His goal when He asked us to take the step of faith...not the outcome we sought!

So today as I sat and reflected on my weariness and all of the promises God has given over the past couple of years that seem to be empty, I cried out for a new Word of encouragement from the One I have grown to trust and love...and truly believe is good no matter what the circumstances of my life might say.

And just like Him, in His very personal, loving and intimate nature, He answered.  After Gideon's rant about "where are you", God answers him with a sentence I know I have read multiple times but never saw before this morning.  The Holy Spirit highlighted it as I read this morning.  It says, "Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand.  Am I not sending you?" In the strength you have - soothing balm to my weary soul! God knows I am tired.  God knows I end each day with just enough energy - physically, emotionally and often spiritually - to climb in bed and lay down my head.  And this morning He let me know, that's enough!  Whatever you have, do what I have asked with what you have....it will be enough!

What are you facing today that seems overwhelming? Are you weary or defeated?  Can I encourage you to face today with what you have?  Do it tired.  Do it afraid.  Do it broke.  Do it depressed.  Whatever God is asking you to do this morning, do it with what you have, and at the end of the day, it will be enough if You are trusting in Him!

The "Daily" of Discipleship

I have a blog post started about stepping into your calling and saying “yes” when God calls you up to bat…or something like that.  I am sure it’s a really good post, a really good concept.  But I haven’t had time to finish it because my “yes” has pretty well kept me working day and night for the past few weeks.

Which brings me to this….I won’t be finishing that post today either.  I am going to be really honest right here.  I wish I could turn back.  I wish I could go back to my American dream life and not know what I know about the injustices to children and the need for more to speak up.  I wish I could turn a deaf ear and a blind eye as so many do and go about my life in order to make it more comfortable for me and my children.  I wish if I was going to have to work at something that took my time away from my children, it paid better than a minimum wage job…or even minimum wage would be an improvement.

On a day that I had more people fighting with me than I have since my days of fighting for children in Liberia, I should be encouraged and on fire.  In a week when I have now heard two amazing teachings on attitude of thankfulness and a perspective of half-full, I should be seeing my life through the blessings it holds.  But can none of that is happening tonight as I crawl in my bed.

 

Why? Well, there are many reasons, I am sure…none of which really matter right now.  So what now? Do I really quit?  Do I really give up?  Do I stop just before the victory? Can I really do this another day?

The answer is Yes, I can.  And the answer is, Yes, I will.  God promises His mercies are new every morning.  In a season when my “yes” has taken me to a whole new level of faith, trust and obedience, I am using all the mercies available to me every day just to make it from the time I wake up to the time I am able to finally close my eyes at night.  Luke 9:23 has come to mind many times in this new journey I find myself on: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”  Being a disciple of Jesus doesn’t mean being comfortable.  It means denying myself! It means taking up my cross... DAILY!

I did that today.  Did I do it with joy?  No, I can’t say that I did.  But that DAILY means that I had a choice this morning, and I chose to take up my cross….make the phone calls, inform others about the need to speak up….and when I wake up in the morning I will have the same choice.

So tonight as I go to bed, I can’t say that I am thrilled with the cross I am carrying.  But if even Jesus could ask for the cup to be taken from Him, I think God understands my lack of enthusiasm at times for the cross He has asked me to carry right now.  But just like Jesus, and most importantly BECAUSE of Jesus, I have to say “but none the less, not my will but Yours be done!” 

**And as is par for the mood of the post, this is being uploaded the morning after because our internet is down...again...and the hot spot wouldn't turn on last night! :) 

10 years ago....

Ten years ago today, heaven gained a precious angel!  Our Addy went home to be with Jesus.  I remember the phone call like it was yesterday.  We had just gotten home from watching the Watoto Children's Choir perform in Midland.  Callie and Noah were so excited because it was the first time they really had a reference for who their new sisters were going to be! We were full of joy and hope as we talked about their new sisters, our daughters who would be coming home in a few months.

When we got home, there was a message from our adoption agency.  That in and of itself was a red flag.  They rarely returned phone calls or e-mails, so a call out of the clear blue telling us to call her was a sure thing something was wrong.  You know how your mind immediately starts playing through the scenarios of what it could be....she couldn't find our documents we mailed her?...there was a mistake in some of the paperwork?...there were going to be more fees?...I was still very naive about adoption, especially international adoption. I knew by the tone of her voice it was probably more serious than paperwork, but nothing prepared me for the news that was about to be delivered.  John made the phone call.  John always paces when he talks on the phone...but this time I followed him trying to make sense of the one side of the conversation I was hearing.  I wasn't getting much from "aha" and "yes" and "ok".  Then he goes out the backdoor and puts his foot on it so that I couldn't come out.  Then I knew something serious was happening.  I am sure it wasn't more than 5 or maybe 10 minutes...but it seemed like an eternity.  I watched him through the glass door.  Finally he took the phone from his ear and turned toward me.  When our eyes met, I knew whatever it was, it was serious.

He walked in the door and said, "Addy died."  I am not sure how long I stood there.  I heard the words, but I couldn't make sense of them in my mind.  I asked him to say it again.  The details were still sketchy, but from what we could piece together, she had contracted cholera from contaminated drinking water.  She had died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.  I was numb.  I needed answers.  I went to my computer and looked up Cholera.  The words I read just brought anger! I had no idea what Cholera was...all she needed was an iv and an antibiotic.  That's it.  The lack of availability of those two simple medical provisions that I always took for granite was all that stood between life and death of my little girl.

I know it may seem impossible to be that emotionally invested or tied to a child you have only seen in a picture.  And maybe it should be.  But for anyone who has adopted, you know that the picture comes to life when God says, "She's yours, go get her!"  I have not lost a child to death who has lived in my home, but I can tell you my mamma heart broke that day.  First in grief and then in anger.  I was mad at God.  Why would you introduce us to them only months earlier, call me to be her mamma and then take her from me?  Why are children dying of the denial of things that are common place in my country?  How are children dying from contaminated water in this day and age? My heart broke for Eden who had just lost her twin...her only sibling from a mother who had died (or so we were told)!

It was her death and the sorting through it over the coming weeks that God would use to call John and I to found Addy's Hope Adoption Agency!  We had no idea what we were doing, and truly, that is a huge understatement!  We honestly just said, "Yes!"  God has done the rest.  We are truly an example of God using a "yes" because that was really all we had to offer in this area.  I didn't know the slightest thing about running any business, much less a ministry.  I sure didn't know the legal ins and outs of processing an adoption.  But we said, "Yes!"

We could have never known what that yes would mean, and how God would use the life and death of one precious little girl to impact lives in a ripple that still has not stopped.  There are 39 children, including our own son, who are no longer orphans in Liberian and Guatemala, but are in loving, Christian homes learning about the Savior who offers them eternal life!  There are two children who are no longer orphans in the foster system, and three more about to be placed in their forever home with two other families waiting for the 5 children combined that they hope to adopt...and 5 more families who are in different parts of the training process in order to bring even more of God's children home!

I still feel most days like I am ill equipped and unable to do all that this ministry demands.  And the fact is, outside of the anointing and direction of the Holy Spirit, I am! But today as I reflect on a life that seemed to be snuffed out way to quickly, there are some things that I know.  While the remembrance still brings tears, I have learned that God is faithful even when He seems to be absent.  I have learned that trusting that I hear Him and trusting that He is leading me will take me to places I could have never gone on my own.  I have learned that there are times when following God will bring heart ache beyond what I could ever imagine, but even in the heart ache, He is there.  He is faithful.  He is worthy.

So today as I remember a little girl I never held in my arms, but will forever hold in my heart and who lives on in the lives of every child touched through Addy's Hope Adoption Agency, I choose to not just morn her death, but celebrate her life! Addy Girl, you inspired me to follow God on a journey that has been far beyond all I could have hoped or imagined!  You stand as a reminder that we, the Body of Christ, have an obligation to those who are less fortunate.  You remind me that only by the grace of God was I born in a country where clean drinking water and medical care is available to all.  You remind me that the battle for children is worth it!  Baby girl, I can't wait to hold you in heaven...until then keep dancing with Jesus!

The Call that Changed our lives...one year ago

One year ago John answered a call from his dad that would set in motion a course of events that would forever change our lives.  Rewind to a little less than 48 hours before the call....

We had been walking in relationship with Paizley since a few weeks before DJ was born.  We were trying to preserve relationship.  We still didn't agree with most of what was happening in her life, but we were trying desperately to keep relationship over anything.  We had even welcomed the boyfriend who had snuck our daughter out of her window numerous times to take her from our home, the boyfriend who had been arrested for going at John physically.  We knew he was a lost soul.  We knew he was doing what he had known to do.  We made a decision to embrace them as a family for the sake of being in our daughter and our grandchildren's lives.  After receiving a phone call that had confirmed my worst fears about the actual truth of the life my daughter and thus my grandchildren were living, I had gone to meet with her.  We had come to some agreements.  One of which was that if the man ever laid a hand on her again, she would call me and would make a plan for a life without him in order to protect herself and her children from any further abuse.

It wasn't even 48 hours later, 3:00 am, and my phone rings.  It is the boyfriend.  They are in a fight.  He is telling me to come get her and the children.  She wouldn't leave.  I do my best to insure she and the kids were safe until I could make phone calls in the morning.  If it's one thing I have learned over the past 3 and a half years it's that you can only help those who are willing and ready to help themselves.  After a year of communicating my concerns of the safety of my granddaughter and then my grandson also to CPS, we finally had a meeting with all parties in one room where the lies were revealed.  Truly the events of those few days could never have happened if not orchestrated by God.  We watched as literally the curtain was pulled back and truth was revealed in a way that even CPS could not pretend to ignore it anymore.

It has been our goal since we found out Paizley was pregnant with Peighton to equip and empower her to parent her child.  We firmly believe Peighton was given to Paizley as a gift from God to grow and nurture in His ways.  However, we also knew in order for that to happen there were some decision and sacrifices that had to be made on her part.  There was also much emotional healing that had to occur.  We prayed daily and sometimes hourly for those things to happen.

As we sat in the meeting and CPS told Paizley she could keep her babies or she could keep the man, we knew she had no where to go without the man.  John left the room to make phone calls.  We called two local missions.  One doesn't take teens, but was willing to talk to us because of the relationship we had with the founders and the volunteers.  It was decided by all that really it was not equipped to handle what Paizley needed.  The other mission was well equipped and would be an amazing opportunity for learning how to be a mom, how to earn and keep a job and for healing that would be necessary to be the mom she needed to be.  This is a mission that usually has a waiting list!  But as God would orchestrate, they had a bed open!  However, with the holiday, they would not be able to approve an application for a few days.  Which ended up being a mute point because after the rules became known, she decided that wasn't the place for her. So John's parents graciously agreed to allow Paizley and the two babies to move in with them until we could find a permanent place.  And in all honesty, they were contemplating allowing her to remain there long term if needed.

But then the call came.  Even with everything we had been through in the last two and a half years, I never expected this call.  Still, to this day, I cannot wrap my head around the news we received in the call.  John's dad called to tell us that Paizley had called CPS and told them to get the babies because she was going back.  She was leaving her babies to return to the man who was abusing her. Truly, I couldn't understand.  I cried, I screamed, I shook my fist at God, and I begged Him for wisdom and guidance on what next.  John got on the phone to CPS, had to threaten to go to the media with what we knew of the case before we could talk to the person making the decisions, but when he finally spoke to her, she informed us CPS would be seeking custody of our grandchildren as soon as they and courts opened back up after the holidays because there was no one there to do anything at 4:30 pm on July 3.  She informed us that we, as grandparents, could hire an attorney and petition the court for custody.  We had already been told by the original CPS worker that she would not place the grand babies in our home because we had "too many kids" and instead would place them in the home they had been in for most of the past year where they would be in no less harm than they had been the entire time....with a caretaker whom we had been told couldn't watch Peighton for three hours a day for Paizley to go to school but would now be full time care giver for a not yet 11 month and a 3 week infants.

Rewind to the night before.  It was the first time since the events had happened that John and I had been alone and could really digest what the future might hold.  Neither one of us could really wrap our heads around what life would look like with a 3, 2,1 and newborn along with our other 4 kids.  We talked about how our family had already been hemorrhaging over all the events of the past 2 years, and had just felt like we had just now stopped the bleeding.  This would most likely start the hemorrhaging again.  Surely that can't be what we are to do?!  We couldn't fathom the financial responsibility of two more children along with the legal fees they would bring.  And on the other hand, I couldn't come close to settling in my heart that my grand children would enter the system I knew was so broken and very ill equipped to ensure their care and protection.  I kept going back to the times when Paizley was pregnant, and I stood in her room saying, "This baby will not grow up the way you did.  There are two ways for that to happen.  You raise her in a new life or someone else raises her.  Let's work toward you raising her in a new life!"  I said I would never raise my grand children.  I wasn't ready to be a Mimi, but I didn't want to raise them as mine either.  I wanted my daughter to raise them. I wanted to invite them over for sleep overs so my daughter could have  break.  But that decision was out of my hands.

John hangs up the phone and tells me the news.  What do we want to do?  We agree to call an attorney to find out what we can do.  We find one who will agree to work the 4th to draft papers to petition the court on Friday the 5th for custody.  We agreed this was what God was asking us to do.  We had no answers.  We didn't know how it would all work. We didn't know where the $6,000 we had just been told we would need to get this done would come from.  All we knew was God said, go get your babies.  And we did.

My father-in-law in great wisdom talks to my daughter for the hour drive back to the abusive boyfriend.  He stops before getting to the spot where she wants to be left with him.  He once again asks if this is what she wants even if it means she may lose her babies.  She nods and he starts up again.

An army of people stepped in at this point to provide for two children now abandoned.  My in-laws spent 48 hours charged with the safety and responsibility of these two babies until we could get court papers.  We went and spent the day to help them, another angel friend came over and stayed to help when we weren't there.  Our friends started collecting baby items as we had gotten rid of everything feeling pretty certain we were done with babies.  And on July 5, we were awarded custody by a court due to evidence of abuse and neglect.  We received a very wounded not yet 11 month old and a starving 3 week old.  He ate every three hours around the clock and gained much needed weight to get him back up to and beyond his birth weight.  Peighton had spent her entire life in the arms of her mother.  Now she didn't have her.  She didn't want to be consoled.  She didn't know how to be consoled.  She would sit and rock with her blanket back and forth.  She would scream, but wouldn't let us console.  She would pull away when we tried to pick her up.

I look back on the past year, and truly, I am amazed we survived.  I look back and while I know my other children had to sacrifice, I know they are better people for having walked the path.  I look at them now with Peighton and DJ and see the love and nurture they give them..and are starting to get back in return and I know they understand caring for the hurt and the least of these.  We have a long way to go to healing - for all of us.  There are days I think we will never make it.  But when I look at where we were a year ago, I can't help but be encouraged.  It is in these times I have to not look at where we have yet to go, but look at where we have come from!  And when I see the progress we have made, when I see the God that has carried us, I know by faith that we can make it.

So today I choose to not let it be a day of defeat.  As we come up on one year of caring for 8 children in our home with four being toddlers and under...as I look at my 2 one year olds (you should NEVER be able to day that by the way :)  ), I choose to keep my eyes on Him.  I choose to believe that what the enemy has tried to steal from my family God will redeem!  I know that we are redeeming a generation!  I will not let the enemy steal what God has given to me to restore.

And as we celebrate Independence Day this year with our now 8 children, I will celebrate freedom on many levels!  I thank God that Truth sets us free and when that happens, we are free indeed!

Really, I don't go looking for fights.....

I know most people probably read my blog and Facebook posts and think I walk around looking for fights to jump into!  Really, I promise, I don't!  Maybe in my younger days when my passions were still needing MUCH sanctification, but not now that I am older and really have learned to dislike conflict I would just as soon go about my day minding my own business as to get into a fight.  BUT...because God has made me with this passion...and with this inability to let injustice go unnoticed, I find myself...like today...fighting when all I wanted to do was get my exercise!

I never walk in the afternoon, so the timing now has me shaking my head at God.  I had some work I wanted to make sure got done, and my days tend to get away from me quickly, or some emergency pops up that has to be handled.  So I got my work done before my walk which put me leaving about 1:30.  I started not to go..rain showers this morning meant it was way muggy...but determined to get this weight off and having NO KIDS at home today, I decided a walk would be good!

I was at about the first mile marker.  I was minding my own business...listening to my Bethel sermon as Bill Johnson was starting to pray for people to have torment removed from their life when I see quite a ways down a couple.  I couldn't tell if they were teens or young adults.  But it was obvious by the dancing they were doing that they were in a fight. So I slowed my pace and removed my ear-buds so I could watch and listen.  She took off, he called her back.  He jumped up and down some more. She walked off...he stood there a minute, then took off at a full run towards her. I cleared the area from behind the fence just in time to see her turn toward him where he ripped the sunglasses off her face and threw them on the ground shattering them.  So I hollered, 'Hey! You!  Get away from her!"  He runs back to me at full speed....I'm thinking, now what?!  But at the same time totally calm.  Amazing what knowing you are walking in the power and protection of the Holy Spirit will do!

He starts talking 90 to nothing..."I didn't mean it...it's not what you think...I bought those glasses....my dad beat my mom....just stand here and talk to me..." I kept trying to give my response to each of those, but he just kept talking....when he said that I stopped and said, "I will stand her and talk to you all day long, but you lay one more finger on that girl and I will call the police."  She hears that and comes running over, "no don't call anyone.  He didn't mean it.  It runs in his family. He bought me the glasses."

I finally got her to go home after telling her it's NEVER ok for a man to be aggressive with you while he asked me to help him look for the ring she had evidently thrown in the grass that he had just given her.  He said he would call his mom so I could talk to her if I didn't call the police.  I stood there...then he took off.  So I posted it on our neighborhood FB page. No details.  Just a description and the glasses being ripped off part so that hopefully the parents of at least the girl can contact me and I can share with them what I saw so they can know what is going on.

I know some would say I might should've stayed out of it.  Well, let me tell you, when you have a daughter who you know is getting the living daylights beat out of her on a regular basis, you tend to look at situations like that and not have the ability to walk away. I think I would have intervened on that level even before having an abused daughter, but now, any young man...or man....who wants to act in an aggressive or abusive way in front of me to any female, better get ready!  You can ask my boys, if they hit one of their sisters, they get the wrath of their mother and they have a consequence and they get the lecture...I know we're not supposed to lecture...they get the lecture of how a man should ALWAYS treat a lady! Maybe nothing would've happened beyond what did.  But I know there were other people closer than me just watching it happen. I wasn't ok with that.  Why?  Because when my daughter was being drug through a parking lot by her hair, I wish someone would have knocked the living daylights out of that jerk! When he had his hands around her throat cutting off her air supply while she was pregnant, I wish someone would have stopped him!  I still wish someone would intervene!

That teen was someone's daughter.  I don't know if they think that is acceptable behavior for her boyfriend or not, but it's not in my books, and I was the one who was there.  So I stepped in...to the fight....all I was doing was going for a walk!

Losing Children....but finding God

It's a bit ironic now that the child who was the tie breaker for children lost versus children held is now, for the present, a child lost.  We have not shared the details of our families journey over the past four and a half years.  I doubt we will ever share the intimate details of it on a public forum such as this.  However, as we come to the close of at least part of this chapter and enter into a new one, I feel God releasing me to share a bit more of what has occurred along this path.  I am a bit afraid to share.  It is raw.  It is still new and very real pain.  I don't yet have a file to put all the emotions, thoughts and feelings that often break through my mind and heart at weird times throughout a day, often taking me by total surprise.  But I have a friend who is a blogger who recently shared her story of infertility on her blog.  She is a BIG TIME blogger, so her story was read by thousands - and that means even more who can potentially criticize or remark on her pain.  But she talked about how she had to be BRAVE to share her story.  And as I have thought of opening up about this part of our lives and the ridicule that could possibly come, I thought of my friend.  She was Brave.....so I have that song playing now as I type. 

 

You make me brave
You make me brave
You called me beyond the shore
Into the waves

You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now 
The love that made a way        (From You Make Me Brave by Bethel Music)

It is fitting!  No fear can hinder now the love that made a way!  Fear.  It was the biggest emotion I had when it became clear God was asking us to add a 15 year old girl to our family.  I remember vividly sitting on my couch in my living room, tears rolling down my face, looking John in the eyes and choking out between sobs...."I know we are supposed to do this - bring this girl, this teenager into our home - but I can't! I can't even fathom bringing one more person into this home that needs me.  I can't imagine one more person needing me to provide for them emotionally....and I know that a 15 year old coming out of the foster system is going to have a few more emotional needs than a 'typical' teenager. I know God is telling us we are supposed to do this, but I am telling you, I can't!" That was the first time I had ever known God was telling me to do something, and I just could see absolutely NO way for it to happen! Remember, I am the visionary! But God makes a way where there is no way!  "No fear can hinder now the love that made a way!"Over the next two weeks He would speak to me through songs, sermons, even fiction books I picked up. The one thing that stands out the most was hearing a speaker from Stop Child Trafficking Now explain how trafficking is happening in our cities right now.  I sat with tears rolling down my face and silent sobs racking my body as I thought of the beautiful face of this little girl God had asked me to take as my daughter.  Without a family, without intervention she was a prime target for these sick people! 

I don't really know how it happened. I don't really remember a moment when it became ok.  I just know that I went from that place on my couch saying "I can't" to driving in a car to meet my new daughter.  I wasn't afraid anymore.  Sure, I was nervous...I was meeting a TEENAGER who was going to be my daughter for the first time!  Was I wearing the right thing, would I say the right thing?  Would she want us as much as I wanted her? God took me past fear to excitement and pure joy about adding a teen daughter to my family...and in those two weeks is also when we discovered baby number 7 would be arriving in about 9 months! Life was exciting and full of hope!

Fast forward to now.  Thinking back on that "fear" knowing where the journey has taken us makes that word almost laughable.  I don't guess I ever really thought I would lose a child in any of the ways we've lost.  My introduction to motherhood was drastically interrupted by a miscarriage at 13 weeks.  Four years later we would start a journey to bring home the twins I had always dreamed of having!  We would lose Addy to cholera before we ever got to meet her, and Eden would be our daughter but not get to come home due to the illegal processing of her adoption by the agency we were working with.  At that point the count was children in our arms 2, children in our hearts but never to be in our arms 3.  Loss was winning....

Few know that there was a precious little boy named Edwin that we were in the process of bringing home from Liberia not long after Ava was born.  In fact, they would have been "twins".  However, his parents returned to the orphanage to take him back home.  That was a bitter sweet loss.  We were thankful he was able to return to his parents!  That is always the hope for us with biological parents who are safe for children.  So we were overjoyed that they had found a way to care for him.  However, we had already loved him in our hearts as our son.  Children in our arms 3, children lost 4.  Loss was winning....

Then of course our precious Toben did come home!  His name means "believing God is good".  He got that name because after all the loss, taking the step to adopt again internationally was almost more than I could take.  I had to make the conscious decision to believe God was good when on most days I didn't know if I really believed that or not....but if I didn't believe it, I wanted to....and so we were 4 to 4.  

Madison would burst into our lives without us knowing whether she would stay or go.  We were open to whatever role God had for us.  It was a bitter sweet journey, and I sobbed as the judge read that her mother had relinquished her rights, and we would be adopting her.  I was overjoyed to be her forever mommy, but it is never easy to hear mother's connection to her biological child has been severed.  It's just not natural.  And then there was B-man!  Oh, that boy!  He still brings a smile to my face!  He is the one we had to let go....he was the only foster baby we had that left our home.  We knew when he came that he would not stay.  But it doesn't make the good-bye any easier.  And so we were at 5 to hold and 5 let go.

Then came Paizley.  She would tip us to the winning side!  We finally held more than we lost...and one more was on the way!  The losing streak was broken...or so I thought.

Of all the ways we have lost children, this is the hardest.  This is the one I find the fewest words for.  This is the one that brings more anger than any other.  This is the one that leaves me with more questions unanswered than all those before.  This is the one that brings healing only to rip off the scab and the bleeding begins again. This is the one that has impacted every. single. family. member.  This is the one that threatened to steel away my other children with it.  This is the one that tried to make my call in life invalid and worthless.  This one, this one has torn my heart in more pieces than I thought possible...and this is the one that has left the most fear in it's wake. It's the one that won't end.

Tonight, as I was walking and listening to a testimony of a father about his daughter - a daughter he lost first to the ways of the world only to get her back just before a car wreck would take her life.  When you have a child that chooses to walk away from all that you offer, all that you are to pursue a self-destructive life, there are no words for what that does.  I never dreamed I would know how that felt.  I don't think any parent starts their parenting journey preparing or planning to lose their children in any of the ways we have lost, but most certainly not in this way.  You have hopes and dreams for your child.  When a child dies, those die with them.  When a child walks away from you, those dreams you have for them don't die....they just get twisted, mutilated and broken every minute of every day.  Every time you see a friend of theirs from when your child was with you and that friend is living the life you dreamed for your child, and suddenly, the reality of where your child's choices have taken them washes over you, the bleeding starts again.  

Tonight was one of those nights for me.  The bleeding wouldn't stop! As I heard the father talk about his daughter, I wondered if I would get my daughter back before I attend her funeral.  But it doesn't stop with her.  I realized that losing a daughter to the ways of the world has put a fear in my heart.  Fear does not usually have a place in my life.  But as I walked tonight, the tears came, the sobs once again racked my body as I thought of my other children.  The next two oldest are coming into the years when I need to give them wings.  They need to be allowed to dive out of the nest and figure out how to let their wings catch them on the currents and bring them back up into the sky.  I can't lose another! I can't imagine my heart surviving one more child choosing to walk away from all we know and believe in, all we stand for in our family to pursue a life of self destruction. 

And then I think of my Heavenly Father.  He never forces me to choose Him.  How many times do I turn my back on all He has taught me? How many times will I walk away from all He stands for....all He died for?  He doesn't judge me by those who went before me and chose the world over Him...and He doesn't judge me on yesterday when I chose self destructive behaviors over His love and forgiveness.  

I have always said that adopting my children has taught me more about my spiritual adoption as God's daughter than any Bible study, sermon and scripture alone ever could.  And now, walking out a relationship with a child who is living in total contradiction to what we taught, believe and stand for is teaching me more than any Bible study, sermon and scripture alone ever could about the heart of my Heavenly Father for me...and the deep, deep sorrow my sin brings Him.

I have sat many nights and asked why?  Why her? There are over 13,000 children in the state of Texas who needed a forever family.  Why the one who tore our family apart and continues to threaten the safety of our family even today?  Why, God?  Why would a "good" God ask us to do that?  I mean if we are going to keep it real on here, then let's not sugar coat what saying "yes" has really meant in our home. 

And every time I ask Him, I get the same answer.  First, is because He loves her!  He gave her something she had asked Him for....right down to the size and brothers and sisters she wanted!  Second, because He loves her.  He gave her an opportunity for a future that she would not have had without the adoption.  Does that story line sound familiar?  But the truth is, she didn't want what He, what we, had to offer.  At least not right now.  Do you know anyone who has not wanted what Jesus offers us with His death and resurrection?  Coming into our family had some sacrifices.  It meant saying no to some things that seemed like fun.  It meant trusting that we knew more than she did about what was best for her future.  Sound familiar again?  Sin looks so fun! But God knows what is best for our future and that is why He tells us to avoid those things that won't allow us to have His best.  

So why did He ask us to take in her? Why did he ask us to take in the one out of 13,000 when so many would have taken this opportunity and literally transformed their lives? Because He chose her!  My prayer is someday she will understand that!  But in this journey, God has taught me that in the same way He chose her to be in our family, He chose me when He went to the cross! So when the thoughts come that take my off guard, when the questions that still don't have answers bombard my mind and threaten to rob me of peace, I choose to think on the cross!  I refuse to let loss win! And when I look at that in the face...I can't help but dance...and Bethel put it into words perfectly....

You steady me 
Slow and sweet we sway
Take the lead and I will follow

Finally ready now
To close my eyes and just believe
That you won’t lead me where you don’t go

When my faith gets tired
And my hope seems lost
You spin me round and round 
And remind me of that song
The one you wrote for me

And we dance
And we dance 

I’ve been told 
To pick up my sword 
And fight for love
Little did I know 
That love had won for me

Here in your arms
You still my heart again 
And I breathe you in 
Like I’ve never breathed till now

And I will lock eyes 
With the one who’s ransomed me
The one who gave me joy from mourning 

And I will lock eyes 
With the one who’s chosen me
The one who set my feet to dancing 

We dance
Just you and me

It’s nice to know 
I’m not alone 
I’ve found my home here in your arms

Blessings of a Large Family

I am writing reports today for adoptions.  The writing of reports is not my favorite thing I do in my job...and when I am writing for court and have to report all that brought a child into care to begin with, it gets a bit heavy.  So I am taking a break and sharing some reflections on my larger-than-normal family built in some part because others before me wrote such reports!

Let me start with a confession: mothering 9 children can be overwhelming.  Shocker, I know! The laundry never ends. I have to use breathing exercises while I wait for the total at Sam's reminding myself the entire time that God is my provider and He promises we will not go hungry (and we have NEVER gone hungry!).  Sometimes by 5:00, my brain literally hurts from concentrating on conversations with children from 2 to 14 many of which have the word "um" in them 1,895 times.  I have usually changed 4 poopy diapers by 10 am. I could go on, but you get the picture.  I am not always thankful for my blessings, aka: children.

But then there are days like this.  It started out as an escape from insanity! Since we have moved and I work from home, I rarely leave my four walls except to grocery shop, transport kids to/from school and go to church.  That's it.  On this day, I was going a little crazy, so I had the bright idea of loading the youngest four into the wagon and taking a walk to pick up the elementary school kids from school.

It was a great idea....for about 1/2 a mile.  Then I remembered why I had never done this before. We finally made it...even if we were a few minutes late.  But it was on the way home that the reminder came....

I look up to see this! I had not asked her to hold his hand.  She has offered it to him!  He didn't have to be forced to hold her hand. He took it willingly! Because of our family size, our bigger kids have to do things their friends do not...and a lot of times that involves a younger sibling! And in all the grumbling and complaining that sometimes accompanies those tasks, a bond forms that results in moments like this! He offered to pull the wagon.  He waited patiently about 28 times while one child or another decided they wanted to switch from walker to rider and back again.

And these are the moments that make my heart sing and remind my why having a large family truly is a BLESSING! 

And when I look at this grin, well, even the fact that I am starting over....again...at 40....is a BLESSING!  And just in case your wondering, a certain almost one year old who wants to climb out of the wagon, will be content to ride in the cargo hole of said wagon...and will even play peek-a-boo over the cargo hole door! 

A Quiver Full

Children are a heritage from the Lord,
    offspring a reward from him.
4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
    are children born in one’s youth.
5 Blessed is the man
    whose quiver is full of them. ~Psalm 127: 3-5

As a girl who always knew she wanted nothing more than to be a wife and mother, this scripture always intrigued me!  I got the "children are a heritage from the Lord, a reward from him" part...but arrows in the hands of a warrior...and a quiver full?  What is that all about?  Can I be honest and say that I truly had no idea until just a couple of years ago!  I am sure there are amazing teachings out there on this scripture that would have led me out of my ignorance long before now...but I never heard them.  

It wasn't until I started watching my own children worship God, watching them develop their own relationship with God that I began to understand.  It has been through watching my children grow in their own giftings that the light bulb went on...like arrows in the hands of a warrior....you see, my children are not mine.  My children born of my body and my children born of my heart, none of them are mine.  They are God's.  They are His children that He has entrusted me to nurture and train for His Kingdom.  I learned that lesson early in my mothering as I grieved the death of our baby we never got to hold!  I learned through that sorrow that my children were given by God.  They all have a kingdom purpose.  My job as a mother is to guide them into that purpose.  

I have failed miserably on most days.  There are so many ways that I could have done a better job with that.  But as my children become older, and I begin to see the Kingdom purposes unfolding in their lives, I know why God describes them as arrows in the hands of warriors.  It is because we as "warriors" are training them up, lining them up with their "target" and then we "shoot them out" into the world to complete the Kingdom purpose God has had for them since the beginning of time!  

I was reminded of that again today as we were worshiping in service this morning.  The church we go to right now does not open their childcare until about 15 minutes into the service.  We have just recently started attending this church, and I can honestly say this one fact alone nearly made me run screaming from this one! I have asked God more than once, "Are you sure this is it?", just based on this one issue. (Yes, I attend church functions for childcare...well, maybe not really, but it is a plus!) But today, I decided maybe it's not such a bad thing.  I was holding Peighton as the worship service started.  I open my eyes to see her with her hands lifted as high as she can get them!  I look around to see who she is mimicking, not a person in my range of sight has their hands raised.  But it didn't stop there!  Off and on through the first song, she would clap and raise her hands.  Then they started singing a song that talks about the Holy Spirit as a fire that burns deep inside of us, and they say "burn" over and over.  With paci in mouth, she starts almost yelling, "BURN! BURN! BURN!"  I had goosebumps all over me!  Then she starts moving her hand in an outward motion in front of her in very deliberate, strong motions.  And I knew....I have another arrow that I am to equip, mold, nurture, train and grow up while she is in my quiver so that at the right time, I can send her out into the world, ready and able to hit her target in God's Kingdom!  I have no idea what that target is right now, but I know from what I saw today and what God spoke into my spirit that this little girl is mine because God has a specific plan and purpose for her, and He needs me to equip her for it...as is the case for all 7 other arrows still in my quiver!

I can't explain the events of the last three years.  I don't know why so many things had to happen that happened!  I would have written this story so much differently, and in my story, I would not be raising these two babies that are supposed to call me Mimi and not Mommy.  But this I know.  God has brought 9 children into our lives.  He brought them here to be trained as warriors in His Kingdom.  There will come a time when they will have to choose for themselves whether or not they want to fulfill the plans that God has for them or whether they want to walk away. As much as I wish I could choose for them.  I can't.  But I can speak Truth over and to them.  I can pray God's Word over them while they sleep, as they wake and when we go about our day.  I can do battle for and with them when the storms seem to be taking them over.  And at the right time, I can let them go, shot out from our "bow" and watch them as they minister to a lost and lonely world who desperately needs to know the Savior that they know! 

"Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them......."

We are "The Family"

I saw a post on one of the foster/adoption support groups lately that made me stop and think.  Someone was asking about an attorney because they were a foster family who had a child in their home for almost a year and some family members were now being considered for placement as termination was either already done or was expected to take place soon.

This family was wanting to fight for their foster child to stay in their home.  I get it!  Really, I do!  I was that foster parent! I never fought against family, but I have had  many cases either of my own or with friends who I felt strongly a child should not be returned to family.  I would have been the first one to claim staying with that foster family is best for the child, and who in the world would ever consider moving him?! I would have been the first to cry foul over that!

But as I read that post, I realized, we are now "The Family".  CPS was involved with our grandbabies before we stepped in and took custody.  And I have been pretty vocal on many fronts that we jumped in to save them from CPS as much as the current situation they were in!  But had we not felt called to jump in or had not headed that call for whatever reason, CPS would have acted.  They were set to remove the kids, and they would have placed them with someone other than us. I had been way too vocal and active in the case for the past few months for them to place them with us.  Let's just say the worker was not a fan of mine.  We would have challenged it in court...maybe we would have won, maybe we would not...but regardless of where they were placed at removal, even the not-a-fan-of-mine worker agreed if termination ultimately occurred we would be given the option of adoption since we were "The Family".

So what does that mean?  That means that we would have had two grandbabies who didn't know us except maybe for visits once a week.  And let me just say that visits once a week provide no more opportunity for bonding and attachment for that baby than the person who keeps your kids for church on Sunday morning! But that is a rant for another time! If the circumstances had been different and we had not taken custody of the babies when we did, I most definitely would have wanted to be considered for adoption if termination had occurred!

Does that make me evil? Does that mean I was not looking out for the best interest of my grandchildren since I would be removing them from people they had known their whole life in order to bring them into a home where they would not really know anyone? Before I sat on this side of the fence, I probably would have answered these questions with a "yes"! But perspective matters! And what I now know is that "The Family" is not always given the opportunity to take custody even if they "would".  My old question of "Well, where was that aunt, grandparent, sister, etc, etc when they were removed?" really doesn't hold water anymore.  Perhaps they just didn't know!  And that might not have been because of any fault of their own.  Or maybe they knew and were denied access because they had held the parents to a standard so the parents refused to allow CPS to place the kids there upon removal.  There are a million reasons that I now understand why "The Family" might not show up until the end of the process.

Please don't hear me say that all family is safe and should be given first opportunity for placement! But at the same time, I am saying, not all family is evil and don't care about the kids.   I am saying, you might hold off judgement until you meet them.  You might hold off opinions until you know all the circumstances.  And I am saying that children being raised by family who is safe is a good thing!  Something we as adoptive parents fail to think of in the beginning is that adopted kids are adopted their whole lives!  Some are ok with that, and some really struggle to overcome the rejection of that!  Any child being raised by family has a little less rejection to face!

And on a selfish note, I want to know where my grandkids are!  I want to be able to be a part of their lives since it wasn't my choices that put them where they are!  We may have more grandchildren whose future is unclear.  I will always want to have any opportunity I can to be a part of their lives.  I am so thankful now we were open to letting Madison's grandmother and siblings be a part of her life! Anyone who knows me knows I am not a huge proponent of open adoptions.  I know, I am not politically correct in that....and oh so many other things as well!  But we knew Madison's grandmother was safe for her and we are thankful Madison has that connection to her biological family!  And now that I am "The Family" I understand even more the sacrifice it was for her grandmother to agree to let us adopt her! I admire her greatly and am forever indebted to her for allowing us to be Madison's parents!

So I guess my message through all the garble of my emotions here is that if you are a foster parent, stay open.  Don't jump to conclusions.  Try to not let your emotions lead every decision.  Try to think long term and not just in the now.  And don't automatically view any biological relative of your foster child as the enemy!  I know if we ever foster again, I will do it with a whole different perspective than I did the first time!

The Enemy Doesn't Just Fall on the Sword

I was talking with someone yesterday about spiritual battles.  In the midst of that conversation God gave me an analogy.  It was one of those times that after I said it, I thought, "Man, that was GOOD!"  Which means it wasn't my thought! It was God helping me help her.

I know if more than two people are reading this, then someone is in a spiritual battle and might need to hear this also!

The battlefield is truly in the mind! My heart grieved for this person as I heard words coming out of her mouth that I have said myself so many times.  I knew the enemy was doing a number on her.  She was believing the lies..God is the enemy...He hasn't done anything to fight for me...Scripture won't work, I've already tried that.  Yet when I asked what scriptures she had memorized, she hadn't.

I pointed to the ground and said, if I am in a battle and my sword is laying on the ground, how much good is it going to do me?  Is the enemy going to pick up my sword and kill themselves?  God has given us the Sword!  But we have to pick it up and at least hold it in front of us in order to do battle! We have to use the Word when the lies come in order to combat them.  And the lies probably are not going to come when I am sitting with the Bible in my hand reading it.  Therefore, I have to have His Word hidden in my heart in order for the Spirit to bring it to the forefront of my mind in order for me to fight off the lies the enemy uses to defeat me!

So if you are in battle today, don't leave your sword on the nightstand!  It will not do you any good there! If you are in battle, you need to pick up your Sword and start swinging! Then watch the enemy flee!  That Word promises it....so you can stand on it!

You are not reaching your full potential if you are not in church!

You are not reaching your full potential if you are not in church.  Stick with me! I know that is a bold and controversial statement!

Let me make two points very clear before I continue. 1) I LOVE the Body of Christ! I love how He set it up to operate.  I love how, when it operates as He intended, there is nothing more powerful, more loving, or more genuine, than the Body of Christ!  2) I have been hurt deeply by the "church".  More than once, I have pleaded with God to show me a way other than having to find a new "church" to be part of His Body.  Joining a new church felt a little like leading myself to the guillotine at times! And maybe a third point 3) I don't define "church" as a building.  I believe any group of people who meet for the purpose of worship, teaching, encouraging and equipping followers of Christ are a "church" and a Body of Christ.

We had been attending and prayerfully seeking God's direction for us in a Body since moving.  But recently, felt God asking us to move to a new body for several reasons.  So we set out to find where God wanted us to be.  We didn't miss a single week of church.  My awesome husband even took our 8 plus two extra teens on a week that I was out of town for work.  But can I tell you that in those four weeks that we were "homeless", I was reminded that I will never reach my full potential if I am not in fellowship regularly with other believers.

I understand.  That pastor betrayed your trust, your respect.  That church leader was completely insensitive and maybe even inappropriate in the way they handled your life crisis.  There are probably very few church issues that bring pain that you could throw my way that John and I haven't walked through ourselves at some point. But we understand these leaders, pastors, teachers, other church members are human...just like us! I have hurt people's feelings....people in my church.  I have had to go apologize and ask forgiveness for hurting feelings.  The bottom line is, there is no perfect church because it is made up of humans like me.

But, there is a perfect church for my family....and for you and your family!  God never intended for us to do life alone! Romans 12 and 1 Corinthians 12 both talk of how we are just part of a body. "For the body does not consist of one member but of many" You alone, are NOT the Body of Christ! And if you are not in a Body of Christ, that Body is missing a part..a toe, an arm, a head even maybe! Do you realize without you, some Body of Christ that you are called to is quite possibly having to operate without a vital part?

And without that Body  in your life, you are not all you can be! I don't care how mature you think you are.  I don't care how much tv church you watch.  Without a Body of believers that you know and who know you, you are not able to do all you can do.  I know there are circumstances with health where you can't get out of the house, and for those I am so thankful for technology that can bring church to a home!  But for those who just use that as the checklist for church or to ease your mind about going to church, it's not the same! Look at Jesus himself! He met regularly with his 12, then even more intimately with three.  And he met often with a crowd!  If Jesus needed a Body to reach His potential, what makes us think we are different? If He didn't have the maturity to do it alone, how can we even begin to think we can?

God couldn't have made it any clearer, "do not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:25.  During those four weeks, I was trying to do my individual study with God every morning.  I was using online worship services during the week to keep myself encouraged.  But even still, the depression started setting in.  You see just like a big cat after its prey, when the enemy can isolate us from the herd, we are so much easier to take down! As we sat in a different church each week where we felt like strangers, because we were, I realized that I would never reach my full potential if we did not find a body where I could plug in.  Be a part of what God was doing in a Body of believers.  Being part of something bigger than ourselves keeps us encouraged and moving forward! It keeps the focus off of us! One of the biggest weapons the enemy has it to get me focused on me! When I am not part of a church, it is so much easier to become focused inward!

So let me encourage you to allow God to heal the wounds you may have from "church people".  No pastor is infallible!  But God is! Don't trust a church, trust God! Trust that He can bring healing from your past hurts and any future hurts.  Then ask Him to show you where He wants you! He has a place He needs you to plug in because He has called and gifted you to be a part of a body! And that body needs you...and you need that body!