The End of Myself

Every time I think I am at the end of myself, God takes me a little further. I know it has been a life long process as I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior when I was 10 years old. Yet, the heat was turned up when Callie was born, we moved away from family, and God began redoing my faith. My faith became mine in college, but during the last 8 years, He has been showing me where many things I believed as part of my religion were not scriptural. That sounds so easy, yet to come to a place where lies are replaced with truth in my inmost being is a very painful thing.

Many times over the last 8 years, I have thought that I was at the end of myself. Yet, today, I know He has taken me one step further. I had blood work done. They are testing for a few issues because physically, some things are not right. I have high blood pressure for the first time in my life. Even when I am pregnant, my blood pressure is very low. Yet, the last two times I have been to the doctor, it has been pretty high. My mind is foggy most of the time. At times it is so bad, I can't complete a sentence. My day timer has become my best friend as I have to write EVERYTHING down to remember anything.

I truly am struggling with all this. I am anxious to hear the test results. Yet, what if there is nothing physically wrong? What if this is all due to the stress of my life? I know scripture says that God does not give us more than we an handle in Him. I know the in Him part is the key! And I do that to the best of my ability. I spend time with Him every day...and not just because I want to check it off my list but because he is my best friend! I want to know Him better than I know anyone else in my life. I have people, one in particular, who speak wisdom and truth into my life in love. I am doing all that I know to do in order to trust God with all that is in my life, yet still these physical issues. This morning as I thougth of some of the issues in my life, I noticed my hands went numb. Later as I was thinking some more, my feet went numb. I am no doctor, and this could totally be coincedence, but I immediatly became concerned that the numbness was a result of my blood pressure going high again.

As I panick over issues that are happening in my life right now, I hear, "You walked in obedience, that is all you can do. The rest is mine to handle." Later, as I was writing in my journal, I hear, "I am taking you to the end of yourself to that I can be glorified." As I am crying out for God to speak to me, to calm my spirit, I read Psalm 46:10 "Cease striving and know that I am God". Such simple words, yet such a difficult thing to do for me....but when God takes me to the end of myself, what choice do I have but to cease striving, and know that He is God? When He takes me to the point that there is nothing I can do to improve a circumstance or a situation, what choice do I have but to let Him be God? That is where I am! If only I can find the peace that truly comes from that place! If only I can cease striving, truly trust, truly lean on Him. Then will flow the peace that passes all understanding as I rest under His wing!