Processing....

Well, I am trying to process my new perspective. Yesterday we had a really important meeting that I will blog about later. But the outcome of the topic of this meeting has the potential to be life changing for me and literally millions of other. When faced with situations like this, I am always taken back to my stones of remembrance. Now stones of remembrance are supposed to be those things that remind you of the provision and faithfulness of God.

"Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, 'What do these stones mean?' tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever." ~Joshua 4:5-8

Well, I have always struggled a little with that. I definitely have stone's of remembrance that show God's power and provision...the agency right now is a HUGE one! He has provided what we need financially to keep running during this hard time. I have no idea how! The money is just there. Its not always there right when I think we need it (like right now when salaries and rent need to be payed and we have enough to do neither!), but somehow by the end of the month we are able to feed the kids, pay our salaries and rent. Thank you, God! Then there is my marriage that has been through more battles than the civil war! But we are still together! God has saved my marriage to John. Thank you again, God! Noah's adoption is a huge stone of remembrance! It was really the first real faith step I had ever taken, at least knowingly taken! I knew all the risks, it wasn't what I would have chosen to do, but we did it because God made it cleat it was His will, and every little detail worked out.

But there are several BIG things that haven't worked out so well. One of the biggies is Eden and Addy's adoption. Did beauty come from the ashes? Definitely! And I can see that. But I still struggle with the fact that when I sat on the side of my bed in month 8 or 9 of the process with a death certificate that had Eden's mom dying before she was born, I wanted to give up. I wanted to throw in the towel. Not because I didn't want Eden, but because I knew that something smelled fishy (there were many more things than just the death certificate!). But right there, on the edge of my bed, God took me to a Psalms (I don't remember which one now) and I clearly heard Him say that Eden is coming home and you can't stop! It wasn't just "don't stop", it was, "she is coming home and don't stop!" Well, she didn't come home. So why didn't He let me stop?

I know that I will never know all the answers because God is the only one that knows all the answers. And the way I dealt and went on with that huge disappointment was, "Well, God is God. He is in control, I am not. And I just have to accept that." While that is true, the attitude that began to build with that was not true. That was the beginning of where I am today that when faith journeys don't turn out well, I see God as a tyrant up on His throne just messing with my life and causing me pain because He is more concerned with the bigger picture than with my personal pain. I took a self-sacrifice view. I have to be willing to sacrifice myself for the common good because God is way more concerned with the common good than with me. It also made me pass up any promise in God's word. I know I can believe the Bible, but it just doesn't seem that all His promises are true. For example, He says that we don't have to worry about what we eat or drink because He takes care of even the birds of the air. Matthew 6:26 (looking this up to make sure I have theology right here!) Well, tell that to the starving people of developing nations. Where is God's promise for them? I don't have that answer!

BUT, what God showed me yesterday, that is going to be life changing when I can fully soak it in is that He wasn't sitting on His throan just saying, "Sorry that is what has to happen for my grander plan! I know you hurt, but it is worth it, trust me." He is right beside me, crying with me, hurting with me, disappointed with me. He reminded me that men have free will. He reminded me that I live in a fallen, broken world! You see the agency that I was working with had choices when they processed Eden's case. They chose to do things the "easy" way instead of the right way, so she didn't get to come home. That broke God's heart! Wow! I NEVER thought of it that way! I know, I'm dense! But truly, that never occurred to me. Could God have changed it? Yes! He can do whatever He wants. Why didn't He? I don't know. The balance between God's plans and free will remains a mystery to me, and probably will until I die! But being the analytical person I am, I needed to realize the truth that when God's design doesn't work out, He is heart broken! When the church hurt John and I, God didn't intend for that to happen...He used it to move us to where we are now, but He could do that another way...when that happened, He hurt too! He was disappointed that His children had hurt each other!

I think of the people in Liberia that God has given me a passion for. Not just the children, but the oppressed people who remain in poverty while leaders send their families and money to America to enjoy all the benefits we have here while there villages don't even have water or restrooms! It makes me angry. I believe it is a righteous anger. I asked God yesterday, "Why do you allow this?" The answer: Free Will! Those leaders are making a choice to rule that way...and it breaks God's heart! That is why He is sending people like Addy's Hope and thousands of others to be the voice for these people! He hasn't forgotten them! He is just having to try and clean up the mess left by human free will! Could He just snap His fingers and fix it? YES! Why doesn't He? You will have to ask Him that! But the new realization about this for me is that He hurts with them! For whatever reason He allows it, He is not void of emotion as He looks at the state of His children. He is deeply grieved and hurting with those of us who call ourselves His children!

Still processing it all, but this is just a huge revelation for me! It takes away some of my anger and frustration with God! It shows me that I can hurt with Him, coming into deeper communion with Him as Kay Warren said instead of seeing Him as a Daddy who would sacrifice me for the rest of the children giving me a feeling that I am really not important to Him.

I am important to Him, and so are you! Whatever you are going through right now, God is hurting with you!

Can't wait to see what else God shows me about this! I truly think this will be life changing for me as I seek to know Him more and walk fully in His promises!