Darkness

I have shared before about my struggle with depression. I have had some times the last few months when I felt I was really headed out of the darkness...at one point, I even told John that I hadn't realized how much darkness had encompassed me until I began to come into the light. But most recently through multiple issues/events, I felt myself slipping back into the pit. Many authors describe depression well as a pit of darkness. As you begin to slip into depression it is as if you are clinging to the side of a slippery wall that you know as you fall will find you deep in the depths of darkness and despair that feels as if it will never end. Sometimes you feel like no matter what you do, your fingers can't grip the edge, your finger nails only make grooves as you slip further and further down. Depression is kind of like other things in life that if you haven't experienced it, you really can't understand it. I know for me, before depression hit my life, I didn't understand why people couldn't just pull themselves up by the boot straps and get happy. Now I understand why. But I also know that you can fight depression, you can fight to get back on top where the light is, or you can wallow in the pit and believe all the lies and stay in a state of despair.

I was reading I John this morning at the prompting of the Holy Spirit. Once again, I read a scripture that I have read many times and in fact have it underlined for a different reason...but this morning, it had all new meaning as the Holy Spirit spoke to me about depression and darkness. It was a hard lesson. It was a convicting lesson, but I believe it is a valuable one!

I John 1: 5-6 says, "This is the message we have heard from him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth."

OUCH! So for me to walk in darkness is to not practice truth and is a lie if I say I am in Him! And now, sharing this on a public forum, I have accountability because I can no longer plead ignorance! :)

I have always read "darkness" in this verse as sin, but as I read this morning, I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me that this applies to the darkness of depression also. Depression keeps me disabled. It keeps me paralyzed...which in a sense keeps me working for the enemy! As long as he can keep me paralyzed and walking in darkness, I am not effective for the kingdom.

I don't have this all figured out yet because I know in the past there have been days that I couldn't pull myself out of the darkness no matter how much I tried...even fighting the battles I believe that when you suffer from something like depression, it is vital to have prayer warriors who can pull you out when you can't climb out on your own. I have amazing friends that God will lay me on their heart when I need prayer. Twice in the last week, I have literally felt the prayers lift me out of darkness. One day, I came out of it, but yesterday, well, I made a choice, a bad choice, I stayed in the pit. I wish I understood all of this better to know why at those moments I choose to believe lies and stay in the pit! I know part of it is that I just get tired of fighting battles and when I give in to the pit, the battle stops. I'm sure it doesn't stop in the heavens, but for me, in my mind, it stops. I am sad, I am down, I am angry, but I am not battling. I fight so many battles in my ministry and my home that when the battles inside me start, sometimes I just lay down and let the enemy walk all over me.

I hate that about myself! I hate my weakness! When I read in Acts 21 where Paul's friends are telling him that if he continues on his journey, he will be bound and delivered to his enemies Paul responds, "What are you doing, weeping and breaking my heart? For I am ready not only to be bound, but even t die at Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus." Oh how I wish I had that maturity and dedication...that even when I KNOW I am going to suffer heartache and pain, I still walk strongly into what I am called to. And maybe I do actually...I think God gives me strength to do the hard things I need to do in the ministry he has given me both as a wife, mom and adoption/child relief advocate, but when the tough times come...the children act out, the husband doesn't meet my needs, the adoptive parents attack, the government puts a halt on adoptions, false accusations against me run rampant....that is when I slink back. I lose the strength. I let those things get to me instead of standing on TRUTH!

Oh I have so much to learn in this life! Today my prayer is that no matter what today brings, I will walk in The Light and bask in His goodness...because no matter what my day brings, He is good and He loves me more than I can ever imagine! And to believe anything else is to break the heart of the One who broke His body for me on the cross!