Dear Non-Public Profile Commentors,

Ever wonder why Christians aren't transparent? Take a look at the comments to many of my posts! I am transparent because I want other Christians to know I am not perfect like so many pretend to be. You know, put on the happy face and pretend you have it all together while the rest of us who are just honest aren't stable enough to pursue what God has for me.

Lovindaisies, I don't know who you are, and you don't know me. In fact, your profile isn't even available for me to have a remote idea of how you found my blog. If you are going to criticize you should at least put your identity out there. You don't have to agree with me. And if you knew me and was in the intimate details of my life and were one of the people whom I ask to speak truth into my life, then I would gladly receive it. But since none of those are true, let me ask you a question....why can't I hear God as clearly as Abraham? Do you not know that I serve the same God that Abraham served? Do you know that according to Matthew 11:11, there is no one (even Abraham) born of women who is greater than John the Baptist, yet the one who is least in the kingdom (so even if you think I am least because you see me as emotionally unstable) of heaven is greater than he! That means me...and you if you are a Christ Follower! So, yeah, I can hear God the same as Abraham! In fact, I have something Abraham didn't...I have the Holy Spirit who is my Counselor sent to abide with me and each of us who ask Jesus to be Lord of our lives! So in fact, I have a more intimate relationship with God than Abraham did! Because of the sacrifice Jesus made for me, and you, on the cross, I can go to the Father anytime I want through Jesus who sits at God's right hand in order to say "Not Guilty" at the attacks the enemy hurls at me in God's presence. Abraham had to wait for God to come to him or a Priest to take his prayer at the appointed time into the Holy of Holies. If you would like all the scripture references for the truths I just cited to check my theology, let me know. I will gladly look them up for you.

Or are you among the Christians who believe that God quit speaking when the Bible was finished? If so, then I can see where you have issue with the way I choose to live my life as none of it would make a bit of sense to you. You are looking at it through the limitations of a God who no longer performs miracles or calls us to do things beyond ourselves. Now, as I said, I don't know you, so I won't make those assumptions about you because that would be doing to you what you did to me. But regardless of what you believe, I believe that God is looking back and forth about this earth for people who will worship Him in spirit and in truth. I believe when He sees me, He sees an honest soul that wants her life changed by His power and wants to take a whole bunch of people with her on the journey instead of sitting silently in fear of judgement of people like you.

Am I emotionally stable? Well, considering all the Holy Spirit has whispered to me as I wrote this, I would say I am more than stable! My feet are planted on the Rock! As long as I choose the path He has for me, seek the counsel of those who know me and I trust because they share my belief in a God who is looking for a people group who want to see His miracles instead of putting Him constantly in a box, then yes, I am more than stable enough! My foundation is built on a Rock, not sinking sand! If I let the advice of those like you who don't know me derail the plans God has for me, that Lovindaisies would make me unstable!

To those who read my blog and like Lovindaisies may feel the need to comment because you think I am off in left field and without your comment that is from your hidden profile I will not have any truth spoken into my life, all sarcasm aside now, let me assure you that I make a practice to surround myself with people who I trust to be Godly and wise people to speak truth into my life. I make sure they are people just as strong as me that will not be intimidated by a strong personality and will flat out tell me when I am way out there! I seek those people out in accountability. In fact, I am meeting with one weekly right now. So don't feel the need to leave comments thinking if you don't, no one will speak truth to me. I'm trying to give you all doing that the benefit of the doubt here. And since you have never met the partner God gave me for this life, he has no problem standing up and telling me where I am wrong either! So all of you hidden profile commentors that don't know me can rest easy that truth will be spoken into my life if you don't...and since you don't really know me, maybe you shouldn't!

To quote a previous blog post of mine...probably one that made Lovindaisies think I was unstable ~ hee!hee! ~ I think this is a most appropriate time for this quote:


"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Hallelujah! As Beth Moore's daughter, Melissa, said in one of Beth's recent podcasts, "Bring it on! Bring it on!" The fire will bring refining! Through the insults, hardtimes and difficulties, Christ's power will dwell in me!

Bring it on! Bring it on! This scripture just came to life for me as I responded to the comment on my lost post! For Christ's sake I delight in insults, in persecutions...I'm feeling stronger than I have in a long time! Confidence is back! The enemy will defeat me no more because I know Whose I am and to Whom I belong and Who calls me to care for His children. Stable? Yep! Rock Solid!

The Journey

So I posted my "to do" list for The Journey...well, just a partial to do list! There are many more things to be done!

So what is "the journey"? Well, it is foster parenting. Hopefully foster/adopt, but at this point, I'm truly not sure what God is up to!

For two years He has been telling us to get licensed. We would look into it, but then we would hit a roadblock, call it a wall and stop. Honestly, I have wanted to run like the wind! I don't want to foster! My definition of foster is pour your heart out hoping to make a difference in the life of a child/children then watching your heart break in a million pieces as it falls out when the child is removed. I've lost children...one to miscarriage, one to death during adoption, one to a parent changing their mind and one to a failed adoption. I have said good bye as many times as I have gotten to hang on! I don't like good bye! So why would I foster? Because God said so!

Through a course of events over a two month time period, God placed foster care in front of me almost daily if not hourly! It wasn't the total consumption I had when we adopted Noah, but it was definitely evident God was getting my attention and it wasn't going away!

One of the reasons we hadn't pursued it was the timing could not be worse! We see the agency expanding, I need to work more not less. How do I care for more children with less time at home and more time at work? (Perhaps typing with one said child on my lap as I am currently!) There were a couple of other pretty serious personal issues going on that would seem to say there could note a stupider (yes, that's a word! At least in HollyAnnisms!) time to try to pursue foster parenting or adoption!!!

John and I both went to God on our faces together and separately to make sure we weren't just adding to our plate to avoid other issues. We both came back with a resounding, YES! We were to start the process.

As I often do, I got on TARE to see what children are available in Texas. If you have known me long, you know that I love babies! Adopting Toben as a toddler was a real faith journey for me. I have many reasons for my aversion to older child adoption, which will have to be a post for another time. However, the longer I work in adoptions, the more God changes me in many areas...and this is one of them. However, there is still a logical and motherly part of me that goes off in my head every time older child adoption is brought up in our home. That part says, "there are only so many children that can live under our roof at one time (although that number seems to be growing in mine and John's mind) and every non-baby that comes in means one less baby I will ever be able to rock and nurture. Even with that side of me well intact, I fell in love! Not with a baby, not with one baby...I fell in love with six, yes six, children! Baby? Not hardly! Ages range from 7-16. John was shocked! This is way more his type of adoption than mine! He has always had a heart for CPS and enjoys the children more the older they get. But not me! I want the baby! Two days old when I get them is two days too old! But something about these kids pierced my heart. So I took them to John. He prayed and agreed. I e-mailed the social worker and we got the usual response...get back to me when you have a home study!

So the The Journey began! We decided to go with a Child Placing Agency instead of CPS for a variety of reasons. Sometimes I think that might not have been the best idea, but it is where we are for now. We aren't exactly fast tracking the process. Life happens...and money is needed for things like a fence around the pool pump and extra locks on doors, etc. This at a time when we are already financially strapped due to the strain placed on us by the need in Liberia with adoptions on hold. So we are taking it one day at a time doing what we can and trusting God for the perfect timing.

We have completed all but one class in the foster parent training. We hoped to have that done by the end of this month, but since we haven't heard anything about any training am assuming that isn't going to happen. Would get upset about that, except, there are many things I need to be doing that I haven't. So if I want to point a finger for slowing things down, I would have to point it my direction!

We did get to a point in the trainings and in the process with the six kids that we had to make some solid decisions. Since statistics show that 85% of children in state care have been sexually abused, we changed how we looked at the potential placement. We went from, "what if they have been" to "they HAVE been" and how will we protect them and our other four children? We called our favorite realtor and amazing friend Laura to see what the odds were of selling our home. We even looked at a house in a small town close enough for John to commute in order to see if we could have more bedrooms and cut our living expenses. After finding out the house market wasn't really great for us to try to sell right now, we called contractors to see what possibilities we had for adding on or dividing bedrooms. We have HUGE bedrooms right now, and we had plenty of rooms and space to meet minimum standards, but minimum standards wasn't going to keep all the kids divided in a way that we felt we could keep acting out from occurring.

We also had to make a decision as being able to bring these 6 children into our home would require a group foster home license in the state of Texas. The law allows for only 6 children to be in a foster home...4+6=10. Well, foster home didn't work. But group home meant we couldn't have a placement under the age of 5! So much for my dream of my dark faced baby girl!

So John and I both checked our dreams, fears, anxieties at the door! We told God that we would do whatever His will was for us and these children! We told VERY few people as we knew the response we would received. Some were amazing and supportive understanding our hearts. Others thought we were nuts. We got the typical, "What about your children now? How do you protect them?" I struggled with that too! Sexual abuse is a very real issue in older and even younger child adoption when you look at the state! It is something that has touched me in a very personal way in my adult life. I know it is something that is never to be taken lightly and has life-long consequences for the victim, the perpetrator and those who love both! Why would I risk even the chance of bringing something like that into my home? Because God said so!

As I wrestled through this myself and brought this question before God, He brought to mind Abraham. What would we as Christ followers say to Abraham today? We profess to believe the Bible as real. That means there was once a man who walked this earth just as we do who heard God tell him to put his son on the alter, tie him down and raise a knife to kill him. God asked the father to do all these thing and then God provided the ram for the sacrifice. Well, that gives a new perspective, doesn't it? I am sure that being tied to an alter and having your father raise a knife to kill you could not have been good for Isaac's psyche or attachment and bonding! But God said do it! So Abraham did! I should do the same...well, I don't mean actually tie my kids up and raise a knife to them...no children sacrifices here, don't worry! But being willing to "sacrifice" my children for what God calls me to do is a reality! And He will protect them as He sees fit or not and grow them through it all in the process. I am sure this will be seen as irresponsible by many, but all I have to say to that is, do you believe the Bible or not? And what would you tell Abraham, one of our heroes of our faith?

After about six months of the process and fully surrendering our desires, fears and comforts for whatever God had, we learned that these children based on their desires would not be a good placement. The door was shut. I was even a little disappointed. I had already planned how to make all the football and basketball games as well as make sure the elementary kids had done homework, etc. I had already starting planning what life with 10 would look like. I was ready, as ready as you can possibly be, to parent teens. So there was some sadness, but God in His love for me even gave me an extra piece of the puzzle that showed strong evidence that these children would be placed in a family that they wanted. And that brought great peace! This journey is hard enough with children who want to be here! It is silly to twist an arm to make them be in your home for the rest of their lives!
So we are back to the drawing board! We are on The Journey with no idea where the path is leading....except in obedience! My heart is still for a dark faced baby girl! It has been my heart's desire since 2004 when we started the process for Eden and Addy. But I am fully trusting God. Scared to death, but fully trusting! Scared we will have a placement that has to leave. Scared we will have a placement that makes life harder than it already is, and some days I don't think I will make it now.

But the resounding theme in my life has been: Just about the time I can handle life, God adds a layer of trust required in order to keep me on my knees! And frankly, on my knees is the safest place to be...no matter what circumstances may mean.

So if you have ever thought of fostering and haven' t done it because of fears or doubts or just no knowledge of the process, come along! I will title all posts about this "The Journey" so that you can easily find them. I hope to be as transparent is allowed on this public forum so that those thinking about it will go from thinking to doing! I promise to not sugar coat it! I promise to be real. There's a surprise, huh?!

So come on, let's go! Take The Journey with me!

The Other Side

This is a picture of the other side...the stereotypical other side of the tracks. I don't live in a big city, so I don't think you would call this inner-city, but it shares many of the same characteristics of the inner-city you find in Dallas, Austin, LA, etc. I've always known it was there, but lately, it seems to be calling my name.

Callie is in the gifted program which in our school system means that she goes to a different campus for two days a week. This campus is on the other side of the tracks. She rides a bus from our home school, so I don't find myself over there very often. However, the last couple of times I have had to go, I find myself a little lost and wanting to stay that way! I don't want to leave the neighborhoods filled with tattered houses and grass less yards. I want to know the story behind each door and each window with a sheet hanging for a covering. There was a house on the corner that was for sale. I even for a second wondered if John and I could buy that lot and build a house to move into that area. Wouldn't that give my critics something to talk about!

I want to know these people! I want to know what they need. I want to know if they know Jesus, and if they don't, I want to provide what they need for them to hear the gospel, believe it is real and accept it! As I drive around, I can't help but think, "I don't have to go to Africa or Haiti to find poverty and desperate need!" I want to see these people through the eyes of Jesus!

On the heels of my drive today when I took this picture, God would arrange coffee with my friend Shanna who went to Liberia with me in August. Through our conversation we realized we have the common dream of opening a maternity home. But wait, I talked to my other friend Susie a few weeks ago about opening a safe house for children rescued from the human trafficking industry. And then there is the dream to provide hope and resources for mothers who want to keep their babies. And then there is the dream to find homes for all the children in foster care in Texas...and then the United States...and then the world! And then there is the homeless population that is growing right here in good 'ol West Texas that needs just a boost in the arm to turn their lives around. And then there is a dream to open the coffee shop that will raise money for orphans and ministries all over Africa. And then there is the thought of providing resources to families who are about to lose their children to the system simply because of poverty. God and any one else who has worked with "the system" knows that "the system" doesn't need any more children! Especially when all the family needs to keep the children is a bed or a few hot meals a week. Oh yeah, then there is The Journey that I still have the to do list for!

Whew! My head is spinning, but more than that, my Spirit is stirring!

I see it! I am the visionary! I see the end, but how do I get there? Any doers out there want to jump on board and get this visionary to the end?! I believe I am on to something here! I can think of three or four ministries right here in my home town who are already working towards these goals. What would happen if we, the BODY OF CHRIST, worked TOGETHER?! What could God do then?

God has already given me the sight of the maternity home. My friend Emily and I risked our lives to walk through it one evening. Had our husbands known the building we were walking through, they probably never would have agreed to watch the kids while we did such a crazy thing! Even after we walked and laughed through the whole needs-to-be-condemned apartment complex, I had the nerve to call a contractor to come look at it and see what he thought! He tried to be nice! He wasn't trying to squash my dream....but he really didn't even know what to say to me wanting to use that old place. What he didn' t know is that I had already marched my little 'ol self (well, that might not be an accurate description) around that building and claimed it as "Hope Home: A Home to give Expectant Mother's Hope". Some day, on that very spot, a house will stand that will house expectant mothers! And the Birthing Center run by my friend Shanna is just right down the road to the North...and our office as well as the Life Center is just right down the road to the West. And the tracks...well, they are just about three blocks south!

Hang on folks! This is going to be a gooooooood ride!

God, You have placed these dreams and visions on my heart! You know my desire is to love the least of these and to hear the cries of the poor, destitute and weary who are in need of You, but are not very receptive to Your message yet because they don't even have a place to sleep or food to stop the ache in their stomachs. I want to be your vessel to provide whatever your people need in order to bring them to a place where they can here of You and accept You! You have taken me to John 15 for this year. As I read these verses with these visions you have given me swirling around in my mind and spirit, I am asking you to provide the money, resources, people, talent and the buildings we need in order to bring these visions and dreams to reality! God we want to bear fruit so that you may be glorified! Bring forth your fruit!
In Jesus Name I lay this request at your feet,
~Amen and Amen!

It happens EVERY DAY!

This is Aletha, T-girl and Samuel who live at Addy's Hope Home right now. They are the faces of children in Liberia who need more...more food, more love, more education!












You hear so much about the orphans of Haiti right now. You hear people wanting to know how to adopt those children left behind or suffering. That is awesome! I have read some wonderful dialogues on facebook where people are asking great questions. But the fact is, disasters leave orphans EVERY DAY in many countries in the world today! The only difference is the media doesn't cover it!

AIDS will orphan 40 million children this week. Hunger and starvation will orphan probably more than that or kill ones who have already been orphaned. Lack of clean water will do the same! If you have been moved to inquire about the children of Haiti, can I challenge you to not stop with Haiti? More than likely adoptions in Haiti will stall as children unmatched with families from the earthquake will have to be verified as orphans which can take months if not years in a crisis like this. But there are children all over the world...and right here in America who are just as in need of homes.

My friend Alicia challenged her facebook friends to start right now to obtain a homestudy to be ready in a moments notice to adopt a child in need! I think that is an amazing challenge for Christians who take seriously the charge to care for orphans!

And if you don't feel called to adopt, find someone who is and support them! Or find a place like Addy's Hope that is committed to caring for children even when adoptions have been closed for 12 months, but the money is gone. Our children are the ones who suffer the most! We need more money to give more food and make sure the children, God's children, are cared for not just to the point of survival, but to thriving! We could use your help right now!

Don't stop with Haiti, please! They need your help, yes! Do what you can there, but then do more!

Baby pictures

I FINALLY got to go see Blind Side last week with John. One of my favorite parts was when at Michael's graduation, his mom has a baby picture of him. Her husband leaned over and asked where she got it, and she said out of an advertisement! I loved it..but at the same time my mommy heart was sad! When Toben graduates or we have as slide show at his wedding, I won't have baby pictures of him either. I am a picture freak! So it makes me very sad to know I don't have any of him before he was 2 and a half.

I hadn't really thought of it that much until a couple of weeks ago when there was a precious baby boy at church who is African American and sporting an afro. Tears came to my eyes as I wondered, "Is that what Toben looked like?" I will never know!

It hit again when we were looking on the American Girl Doll site for the bitty twins that Callie wants. She wants the dark skinned ones, so a little boy popped up with curly dark hair! Like mother, like daughter: those are the ones she wants! :)

Did he look like the doll with really tight curls? Just one of the many things I will never know about the first three years of his life that I missed out on! But I can spend the rest of his life making up for it! And I plan to do just that!

2010: A Great Year!

I always pray for God to show me a verse that I need to focus on for the year. On January 1 I wrote down John 15:11 as I know God wants me to recognize that joy is a large part of following Him and one of the fruits of the Spirit (one I have been missing for the past couple of years). But as January has progressed, the first 10 versus have come up in about 4 different teachings/studies I have done. I even had a friend post John 15:7 on my facebook page in response to getting our license. This morning, I feel God impressing on me that the entire passage from vs 1-11 will by 2010 for our family!

1"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. 3You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
5"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
9"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. 11I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.

We will have to abide in God, press into Him like never before. But when we do, we will see fruit, joy and answer to prayers like never before! It has been a long time since we have had a year like that!!! In fact for the past three years we have said, "I can't wait for 200_ to be done and 200_ to be here!" I refused to say that this year because it felt like I had said that every year only for the year coming to be even worse! But this year is different! I know it! I will stand on it! And the cool thing is that I have heard many others in the Body saying they have gotten the same message from God! Twenty-ten is the year for God's people to receive answers to prayers in order for His glory to rise up in the world! Not just me, not just my community, my state or even the United States, but the WORLD!!!!

I believe it strongly enough that I am going to put a prayer request/answer counter on my sidebar! I want to be conscious of the prayers God answers for me this year. So many times I keep track of the sorrows and not the blessings, so this year, I am turning the tables!

My spirit is doing a happy dance like never before! This is what being a Christ Follower is truly all about!

Acts Chapter 2:
14Then Peter stood up with the Eleven, raised his voice and addressed the crowd: "Fellow Jews and all of you who live in Jerusalem, let me explain this to you; listen carefully to what I say. 15These men are not drunk, as you suppose. It's only nine in the morning! 16No, this is what was spoken by the prophet Joel: 17" 'In the last days, God says, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams. 18Even on my servants, both men and women, I will pour out my Spirit in those days, and they will prophesy. 19I will show wonders in the heaven above and signs on the earth below, blood and fire and billows of smoke. 20The sun will be turned to darkness and the moon to blood before the coming of the great and glorious day of the Lord. 21And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.'

The Journey

We are starting a journey! It's one we've never taken! It's one I have avoided most of my life...thought about, but prayed would not happen! But here we are, on the road I wondered if we would ever take. Never say never to God!

So here is my partial to do list for the journey:

1. Get the animal's vaccinations updated
2. Get a transcript
3. Get a copy of our marriage license
4. Get doctor's notes for all of us
5. Have a fire inspection
6. Have a health inspection

...not an exhaustive list, but enough to keep me busy for a while! Praying that God provides the funds for all of it! :)

More to come....

A Crisis of Faith: Part Two

I wish I had blogged all about this crisis of faith I have had BEFORE we got our license so you could all see my heart in this! Just know that all I share, occurred and transformed me BEFORE the happy ending! There has just not been any time to really sit and process all this in a way that was fit for public viewing....but I am taking some time today because I believe that sharing our journey is one of the most important ways people in the Body of Christ can encourage each other!

There is a phrase that is used in the Body a LOT that many times hits a sour note with me. That phrase is, "God is good!" Now before you crucify me, let me explain. That phrase is most often used after someone receives good news, an answer to prayer. Rarely is it posted when someone receives a diagnosis of cancer or when an adoption falls through. That is why it hits a sour note with me. You see, that statement is true whether the news is bad or good! God is good all the time!

Over the past few years, I have come to find a common thread in American religion/Christianity. Whether you talk to far right conservatives, middle of the road evangelicals or far left charismatics, they all to some degree have the same message. When God works in our lives, at some point, there will be a nice little package with a bow that we can place his work in. Maybe it isn't that way at first, but eventually, there will be a wrapping up of God's work that will make sense and be for our good- in a worldly sense of money, fame,power, or happiness. I am finding more and more that I have not in any way been prepared for the battles I face in this Christian walk! There is no blame in that! I believe everyone who has ever spoken into my life gave me the best they had and prepared me a little more than I was before I knew them! However I haven't met many American Christians who have a clear picture of how God works in our lives based on a Biblical principal. I feel so blessed to be a part of the Body that I am right now because I believe they "get this" in a way that I have not ever seen.

In fact, our pastor is currently doing a series called Jesus VS Jesus. So far he has taught on Jesus VS Mister Rogers, Jesus VS Stoic Jesus and Jesus VS Genie Jesus. Next week is Jesus VS Republican Jesus. You can get the pod casts at MidCities.org and I would love for you to come with me next Sunday to hear Jesus VS Republican Jesus!

This idea of Genie Jesus that Daniel preached on yesterday fit right in with what God has been showing me. Three aspects of Genie Jesus are: 1) 911 Jesus - who we call on in an emergency 2) Fire Insurance Jesus - better to be safe than sorry 3) and Prosperity Jesus. All three of these are traits that God/Jesus has, but they are not ALL he offers or desires for/from us!

That struggle with the decision I had to make about which path to take in Part One was founded in a lot of these Genie Jesus ideas. I have a microwave faith. Even though I know that the Bible doesn't speak of a faith that is fulfilled in minutes, days, hours, years or sometimes even lifetimes (Heb 11)! Yet, I still get so discouraged when God doesn't answer prayer quickly. I have struggled with one prayer request that I know is God's desire because it lines up with His word exactly, yet it has not been fulfilled over the past 11 and a half years I have prayed for it! So where is God? It left me wondering if God was real. It left me doubting all of God's word. If I can't count on the scriptures that say God will answer my prayers, then how do I stand on any of His promises?

Those were the questions that I began wrestling through with God. He has been so faithful to answer me! I am so thankful!

I began looking at the people I know who exhibit the qualities in their walk that I desire....for this season, I am looking at how to build steadfastness in my walk! How do I keep from doubting when it all seems to fall apart? How do I keep my mind/faith from going down south with circumstances? One thing I have learned over the past few months is that no matter how mature I may think I am, there is still a TON of room for growth! God is not done with me yet! And so He began answering my questions.

One thing I notice in people I admire like Beth Moore, Judy Rouse, Sarah Palin and many more is that they have confidence! They are not swayed (at least not that I see) by the thoughts and attitudes of others. They have courage! So I began a word study of courage. Now I know that many who know me would wonder why I would need to study courage! I have been told more than once that I am a strong person and that I even have too much courage because my heart is hard to see. Comments like that would hit my core and make me shrink back and believe that courage is a bad thing. That I should never be strong when it will hurt or offend others. Isn't that what tolerance is? Isn't that what loving and not judging means? Well, maybe in culture, but no in God's economy!

Courage is from the Hebrew word chazaq and means "to show oneself strong"! I love that! But there was more!

Numbers 13:20 and 2 Samuel 10:12 use the word courage. When I read these two scriptures, God clearly spoke! When dealing with spiritual warfare, I must have courage! I must show myself strong! What I wrote in my journal that day was, "When dealing with spiritual warfare, I have to have courage- the enemy, the warring factions, that set themselves up against me have to see that I am strong or they will find my weak spot and eat me alive!" 2 Samuel 10:12 says, "Be strong and let us show ourselves courageous for the sake of our people and for the cities of our God; and may the Lord do what is good in His sight." We have to be strong as leaders to keep the flock (whoever that is for you!) from being afraid - and to do what we can - then the rest is in the hands of the Lord and we need not worry or look back to what we should have done! This was freedom for me! I had been ridiculed by those in the Christian community so many times for my courage when facing what I sensed as clear danger from the enemy. But this scripture reaffirmed that I am to walk in courage! I am to face these battles head on, do what I am called to do and then let God handle the outcome! As long as I do that, I have done my job regardless of what those who look at me would say about it!

But there was still more! I looked up courage in Websters and it said this: "the quality of mind that enables one to face danger with confidence, resolution and firm control of oneself." Wow! I immediately began to pray for more courage! But I wanted to see if there were even more to the definition of courage, so I used my handy dandy iPhone and looked it up on the dictionary app I have on there. And there was more!!! Here is what dictionary.com said, "to act in accordance with one's belief especially in spite of criticism" [emphasis mine]! I needed that! I could hear the Holy Spirit yelling within me, "This is for you!!! Memorize it! Take it to heart! In this world you will have criticism! Don't listen to it! Do what I say with courage and confidence and don't look back!"

In the work I do, and because of my very black and white personality, criticism is nearly a constant in my life. If I don't get it directly from the critics, then someone is usually willing to share what the critics said about me! In adoption work, as with many types of ministry, there will always be someone unhappy with how you handle a situation. Despite my desire to provide communication and honesty with families, I have been called a liar on many occasions. Those words hurt. They cut me to the core! And then they make me shrink back from what God is telling me to do because my human side says I can't be doing things right if that many people think I am a liar, a cheat and an "unchristian" person. So these truths were so liberating!

And that is just in my work as an adoption professional!

These truths can also be applied to my personal life! As I stated in Part One, walking the narrow path will mean that there will be criticism even from Christians. It goes back to the pretty little package idea! My life has rarely if ever seen God's desires for me wrapped in that pretty little package! It has been messy! My first experience as a mother was a miscarriage! I was told to pray with faith! I did! For three weeks I prayed like never before, but I lost her anyway! The comments of some well-meaning people in my life left me feeling like I lost her because I didn't have enough faith! Nothing could have been farther from the truth! In fact, that was one of the biggest faith builders that God could have ever done in my life as a mother! He taught me with Hope (what John and I named her) that my children whether they were born of my body or placed in my home by adoption are not mine! They are His! He will take them when He wants and use them how He wants. It has made me such a more relaxed mother and allowed me to love my adopted children fully! I don't know if I would have survived losing Eden and Addy with my faith in tact if I hadn't walked through losing Hope. As promised, God used my hurt for my good and His glory!

Once again, no pretty package with Addy and Eden! We lost nearly $40K in that adoption and have nothing to show for it by worldly standards but a broken heart. But in God's economy, that was His money anyway and the investment is still bringing in a return! I have had many people ask me if we missed God's will in that adoption. I have asked the same thing...because it didn't end up with that pretty bow on a nice package that God's will has to show up in for American religion to recognize it! Why didn't Addy die four months before? Then I would never have hurt for her loss. But Addy's death birthed Addy's Hope! The birth of Addy's Hope has brought home 35 children who are now in Christian homes, provided an orphanage and school for children in need in Liberia, provided numerous scholarships for many children, two water wells for villages in Liberia without clean water, two medical clinics for communities without it, and there is more! I would say that is a pretty good investment for $40K! Most of those things were not works of John and I, but of the Body of Christ working together using Addy's Hope as their path. So why did Addy not die four months before? Because God needed us to love a little girl that would bring the need of a people group we thought we understood to our front door! Because God has a purpose that didn't come with a bow, but heart ache and pain that even now leaves me typing through tears. But would I do it again? In a heart beat! For it is what God used to set me on the path to my destiny! Could I see that on July 12, 2004 when we got the phone call about Addy? No! But 5 and a half years, 35 children, two medical clinics, numerous scholarships, etc, etc, later, I can see it! And I am blown away!

But even knowing that, it was hard to apply the same principles to my current battles and struggles! I reverted back to the familiar....God couldn't be in something that is soooo hard! God couldn't be calling me to a path that would bring more suffering, demand more time, possibly put my children at risk, etc, etc.

But as I read the Bible and reflected on courage and listened to teachers that I admire, clarity came! Read the Bible! I challenge anyone to show me Bible stories with happy endings tied up with pretty bows! Abraham had a promise from God that he would have descendants that outnumbered the stars.....God just left out the part that it would be tens of years before He fulfilled it! In their hast to fulfill God's promise for Him, Abraham and Sara took matters into their own hands in a move that has implications even today, thousands of hears later! And then, when God did provide that heir, He told Abraham to sacrifice him...to kill him. I don't see any pretty bow on that! What advice would you give Abraham if he told you that God told him to place his son on an alter? Would you tell him God couldn't be telling him that! Well, did He? Do you believe the Bible or not? Tough stuff!

Courage....I want more! Faith....I want more! Maturity.....I want more!

So I keep walking this path! Asking God to grant me more! And He is answering...

to be continued.....

[if you made it through this whole post, then you have endurance! Processing all this is more wordy than I thought it would be!!!]

WE ARE LICENSED!!!!

As of today, Addy's Hope is a LICENSED CHILD PLACING AGENCY IN THE STATE OF TEXAS!!!! I wish I could put into words the magnitude of what this all means! Let's just say that is an answer to a 5 year prayer and stumbling block after stumbling block and is a HUGE testimony to the fact that God works on HIS time table, not ours, and we are to keep moving forward in the direction He calls and He will make the path straight! (Yes, you can remind me of this tomorrow when I am whining again!) :0)

Thank you to all my friends who have walked this path with us and been so faithful to encourage and pray for us when we just wanted to give up! You are priceless and this HUGE success is as much yours as mine or Johns!

To God be the Glory! Great things He has done!!!!