The Journey

So I posted my "to do" list for The Journey...well, just a partial to do list! There are many more things to be done!

So what is "the journey"? Well, it is foster parenting. Hopefully foster/adopt, but at this point, I'm truly not sure what God is up to!

For two years He has been telling us to get licensed. We would look into it, but then we would hit a roadblock, call it a wall and stop. Honestly, I have wanted to run like the wind! I don't want to foster! My definition of foster is pour your heart out hoping to make a difference in the life of a child/children then watching your heart break in a million pieces as it falls out when the child is removed. I've lost children...one to miscarriage, one to death during adoption, one to a parent changing their mind and one to a failed adoption. I have said good bye as many times as I have gotten to hang on! I don't like good bye! So why would I foster? Because God said so!

Through a course of events over a two month time period, God placed foster care in front of me almost daily if not hourly! It wasn't the total consumption I had when we adopted Noah, but it was definitely evident God was getting my attention and it wasn't going away!

One of the reasons we hadn't pursued it was the timing could not be worse! We see the agency expanding, I need to work more not less. How do I care for more children with less time at home and more time at work? (Perhaps typing with one said child on my lap as I am currently!) There were a couple of other pretty serious personal issues going on that would seem to say there could note a stupider (yes, that's a word! At least in HollyAnnisms!) time to try to pursue foster parenting or adoption!!!

John and I both went to God on our faces together and separately to make sure we weren't just adding to our plate to avoid other issues. We both came back with a resounding, YES! We were to start the process.

As I often do, I got on TARE to see what children are available in Texas. If you have known me long, you know that I love babies! Adopting Toben as a toddler was a real faith journey for me. I have many reasons for my aversion to older child adoption, which will have to be a post for another time. However, the longer I work in adoptions, the more God changes me in many areas...and this is one of them. However, there is still a logical and motherly part of me that goes off in my head every time older child adoption is brought up in our home. That part says, "there are only so many children that can live under our roof at one time (although that number seems to be growing in mine and John's mind) and every non-baby that comes in means one less baby I will ever be able to rock and nurture. Even with that side of me well intact, I fell in love! Not with a baby, not with one baby...I fell in love with six, yes six, children! Baby? Not hardly! Ages range from 7-16. John was shocked! This is way more his type of adoption than mine! He has always had a heart for CPS and enjoys the children more the older they get. But not me! I want the baby! Two days old when I get them is two days too old! But something about these kids pierced my heart. So I took them to John. He prayed and agreed. I e-mailed the social worker and we got the usual response...get back to me when you have a home study!

So the The Journey began! We decided to go with a Child Placing Agency instead of CPS for a variety of reasons. Sometimes I think that might not have been the best idea, but it is where we are for now. We aren't exactly fast tracking the process. Life happens...and money is needed for things like a fence around the pool pump and extra locks on doors, etc. This at a time when we are already financially strapped due to the strain placed on us by the need in Liberia with adoptions on hold. So we are taking it one day at a time doing what we can and trusting God for the perfect timing.

We have completed all but one class in the foster parent training. We hoped to have that done by the end of this month, but since we haven't heard anything about any training am assuming that isn't going to happen. Would get upset about that, except, there are many things I need to be doing that I haven't. So if I want to point a finger for slowing things down, I would have to point it my direction!

We did get to a point in the trainings and in the process with the six kids that we had to make some solid decisions. Since statistics show that 85% of children in state care have been sexually abused, we changed how we looked at the potential placement. We went from, "what if they have been" to "they HAVE been" and how will we protect them and our other four children? We called our favorite realtor and amazing friend Laura to see what the odds were of selling our home. We even looked at a house in a small town close enough for John to commute in order to see if we could have more bedrooms and cut our living expenses. After finding out the house market wasn't really great for us to try to sell right now, we called contractors to see what possibilities we had for adding on or dividing bedrooms. We have HUGE bedrooms right now, and we had plenty of rooms and space to meet minimum standards, but minimum standards wasn't going to keep all the kids divided in a way that we felt we could keep acting out from occurring.

We also had to make a decision as being able to bring these 6 children into our home would require a group foster home license in the state of Texas. The law allows for only 6 children to be in a foster home...4+6=10. Well, foster home didn't work. But group home meant we couldn't have a placement under the age of 5! So much for my dream of my dark faced baby girl!

So John and I both checked our dreams, fears, anxieties at the door! We told God that we would do whatever His will was for us and these children! We told VERY few people as we knew the response we would received. Some were amazing and supportive understanding our hearts. Others thought we were nuts. We got the typical, "What about your children now? How do you protect them?" I struggled with that too! Sexual abuse is a very real issue in older and even younger child adoption when you look at the state! It is something that has touched me in a very personal way in my adult life. I know it is something that is never to be taken lightly and has life-long consequences for the victim, the perpetrator and those who love both! Why would I risk even the chance of bringing something like that into my home? Because God said so!

As I wrestled through this myself and brought this question before God, He brought to mind Abraham. What would we as Christ followers say to Abraham today? We profess to believe the Bible as real. That means there was once a man who walked this earth just as we do who heard God tell him to put his son on the alter, tie him down and raise a knife to kill him. God asked the father to do all these thing and then God provided the ram for the sacrifice. Well, that gives a new perspective, doesn't it? I am sure that being tied to an alter and having your father raise a knife to kill you could not have been good for Isaac's psyche or attachment and bonding! But God said do it! So Abraham did! I should do the same...well, I don't mean actually tie my kids up and raise a knife to them...no children sacrifices here, don't worry! But being willing to "sacrifice" my children for what God calls me to do is a reality! And He will protect them as He sees fit or not and grow them through it all in the process. I am sure this will be seen as irresponsible by many, but all I have to say to that is, do you believe the Bible or not? And what would you tell Abraham, one of our heroes of our faith?

After about six months of the process and fully surrendering our desires, fears and comforts for whatever God had, we learned that these children based on their desires would not be a good placement. The door was shut. I was even a little disappointed. I had already planned how to make all the football and basketball games as well as make sure the elementary kids had done homework, etc. I had already starting planning what life with 10 would look like. I was ready, as ready as you can possibly be, to parent teens. So there was some sadness, but God in His love for me even gave me an extra piece of the puzzle that showed strong evidence that these children would be placed in a family that they wanted. And that brought great peace! This journey is hard enough with children who want to be here! It is silly to twist an arm to make them be in your home for the rest of their lives!
So we are back to the drawing board! We are on The Journey with no idea where the path is leading....except in obedience! My heart is still for a dark faced baby girl! It has been my heart's desire since 2004 when we started the process for Eden and Addy. But I am fully trusting God. Scared to death, but fully trusting! Scared we will have a placement that has to leave. Scared we will have a placement that makes life harder than it already is, and some days I don't think I will make it now.

But the resounding theme in my life has been: Just about the time I can handle life, God adds a layer of trust required in order to keep me on my knees! And frankly, on my knees is the safest place to be...no matter what circumstances may mean.

So if you have ever thought of fostering and haven' t done it because of fears or doubts or just no knowledge of the process, come along! I will title all posts about this "The Journey" so that you can easily find them. I hope to be as transparent is allowed on this public forum so that those thinking about it will go from thinking to doing! I promise to not sugar coat it! I promise to be real. There's a surprise, huh?!

So come on, let's go! Take The Journey with me!