I survived!

There are a couple of defining moments in this journey of becoming a pre-mature mimi that I have dreaded since I got what has become known as "the nod that changed my world" (that would be the nod to the 'are you pregnant' question asked).  One of those moments was birthing class.  I don't know why I dreaded them.  I mean regardless of the circumstances surrounding the conception of a life, the birthing of a new baby is one of the most precious and miraculous events on this earth, and being there at the birth of my grand baby will truly be an honor no matter what lays on the other side of the birth.  But the dreading of the birthing class is just one of the myriad of emotions this journey has taken me through that I really can't explain or even understand...something very difficult for a woman who typically is in control of her emotions and knows why she feels how she feels and how she will "fix" the feeling if it needs fixin' (that's the southern way of saying that for those not from around here!).  That has't been the case the last 7 months.  It's different than the hormonal ups and downs of a pregnancy, it's deeper.  The emotions cut to the core and effect my every fiber.  That is one of the things that has made this journey so difficult.

But I digress....the closer the time drew to leave for the class, the more I wondered if I would truly survive!  No, it doesn't make sense!  Its just a class, I get it!  But for whatever reason, I nearly lost my breath thinking of having to sit through the class as her coach.

Got off to a rocky start because she had the wrong location.  So to make matters worse, not only was I the grandma in tow, we had to walk in after the class was started!  Honestly, I just prayed it would be obvious who was there for the class, and they wouldn't mistake me as a participant also! Seriously!

I glanced around the room and quickly realized this would be four Monday nights of me....and the dads!  Yep! There are teen classes, but Paizley waited too long to sign up and they were all full...need even more evidence of the need for a teen maternity home here?!  The teen birthing classes fill up faster than the traditional class!

But about half way through the class, I realized my nerves were gone...I thought back to the ride to class and realized Paizley and I had some very candid, authentic conversations....the most intimate conversations we have had in a while.  And I immediately knew why!   I have a group of friends who have committed to pray for me each day of a week, and then some friends who I know are prayer warriors in general.  I had sent these women a message letting them know my apprehension and asking them to pray! I know how cliche it is to say you "felt" prayers, but let me tell you, I felt the prayers!  I was able to lay aside the emotions that have been between my daughter and myself for the past weeks based on events out of my control.  I was able to be there for her in a way a mother always wants to be there for their children!  It was a good experience!  I didn't just have to endure it, but God made a way for it to be a bonding moment for me and my daughter in a very struggling relationship.

So now I am left to practice my back and neck massage techniques and my hee-hee-who breathing!  Very different being on this side of things from the birthing classes I took 12 1/2 years ago!  For all you bonding and attachment gurus out there from the adoption world, you will be glad to know this nurse said the first thing you do when you get your baby is rip off the blankets and the gown (yours and the baby's) and get skin to skin for at least the first hour and a half!  Love that lady! :)

But I did leave the class with one very unexpected emotion!  I think it would be amazing to be pregnant again........

ok...I couldn't just leave it there!  I tried!  I really started to post it with that cliff hanger....but if I came up pregnant, I would not want my mother thinking I planned it or she would disown me! :)  I sent a text to my group of friends during the class saying, "ok now you need to pray for John because I think I want another baby" to which my amazing mentor replies "if God answers you with a smoking tablet written on by His finger..... :/" But even then, I don't think John would go for it!  So relax Mom!  There are no plans for number 8! :)  But then again, there were no "plans" for number 3 or number 7 either......