I LOVE New Years...mornings, Mondays, start of school...anything that represents a new beginning and a clean slate! I am such a mess up! I have such great intentions most days, and fail at most of those intentions most days in this season of life. But I love that EVERY morning, I have a clean slate, a new start! I love Lamentations 3:22-23 that promises "because of the Lord's mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His tender compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great and abundant are your stability and faithfulness." (emphasis mine)
I see every morning as a new beginning full of possibility and God's compassion and mercy that covers all I didn't accomplish or managed to totally mess up yesterday! And New Year's kind of represents that on a yearly basis for me. It is a time to reflect on the past year, mark stones of remembrance of God's faithfulness and provision, times of spiritual stretching that hopefully brought growth, and looking at the times I didn't quite hit the mark. Then I ask God to speak to me about the upcoming year! For the past four years, sometime between mid December and January 1, God has dropped either a word or two or a scripture in my mind or drawn it out of one of my studies and said it was for the new year. It's become one of my favorite parts of December....listening to what God has to say about the upcoming year!
For 2013, God gave me the words Faith and Obedience! The other fun part about God speaking to me about years like that is looking back over the year in my review mirror and seeing just where the words or scriptures God gave encouraged, sustained, prepared and motivated me. Well, faith and obedience were definitely a theme in 2013! The obedience part was that I was to hear his voice, even a small whisper, and do it! No questioning, no reasoning, just pure faith, trust and obedience...from "pick up that marker on the floor" to "take in two more children", I tried to simply obey when I heard His voice. I didn't succeed in all areas. My weight battle ensued long after I wanted it to, but there was even victory there when I followed through with my obedience! But as I look back over the year, I know God prepared me for adding two babies to our home and moving our family 5 hours away from our support system of amazing friends and family.
I honestly hadn't thought much about it this year. We are still trying to unpack from the move. And with the move, I had done zero shopping for Christmas...and can I tell you that shopping for 8 kids plus extended family is an ordeal?! We also hosted both families this year for Christmas. Love doing that, but it has meant there has been little alone time with God really except for the few moments I have carved out here and there. But one of the things I love about my God is that He knows my heart! He knows that my heart longs to be with Him! And so even though I hadn't done the "check list" to hear Him, He spoke anyway! I was actually getting dressed one morning, and just had my worship music on. I heard joy and consistency. Took me a minute to figure out why I heard that. Then I knew. They are my words for 2014! I am still studying to see just exactly what they mean and what my part is to make sure they remain themes for the year. But I am excited to see what God does to bring joy and consistency into our family....really, two things that were definitely missing this year!
So I encourage you to get alone with God sometime today and ask Him what He has for you in the coming year! He is a God of love and mercy, if you have this feeling that you are on God's "naughty" list and are afraid to hear what He has to say, please know that is the enemy! Yes, God may have some things to say about what you have done, but He loves you enough to send his Son from heaven's seat to a manger in a stable! He is longing for you to sit with Him and let Him share the good, perfect and full of hope plans He has for you in the coming year! And if you don't get to that today, you can do it in the morning because every morning is full of new mercies!
Happy New Year blog world friends! I pray God's faithful provision, tangible presence and sustaining JOY over each and every one of you for 2014!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
5K, 40 and what God taught me!
That's me as I crossed the FINISH line!!! I did it! If you know me, you now that the fact that I put my arms up as I ran by John when he snapped this picture tells you what was going on inside of me! There were other people watching, and I would never have done that, but what was going on inside came bubbling out as I passed him and Journey and knew that self doubt for the journey of health and wellness were defeated forever!
It was AMAZING! It will definitely go down as one of the biggies as a stone of remembrance in my spiritual walk. In fact, literally every part of the 5K was a lesson! God talked to me the entire time making spiritual comparisons to what was happening physically. By the end of the race, I was just praying God would help me recall all he told me when I could sit down to write it all out. Just before my last push to the end, God said to write it all down and be ready to share it! So if you have a women's event coming up and need a speaker, I would love to come share what God showed me about running the race of life through this journey!
Can I just tell you that I would have quit so many times if not for making a big deal about it here and on my Facebook page?! By the time the race got here that morning, I was scared to death! I know it sounds silly and totally illogical, but aren't most of our fears and strongholds the enemy has us trapped in?! I pushed through those only because I had accountability to those who had spoken words of confidence over me, and I was not going to let them or my family down by not going through with it. They said go, I start jogging and about 10 yards in, I start feeling like my legs are lead, I need to go to the bathroom, and I think I will puke any second! I am not even .10 miles into this thing!! How will I ever finish and finish strong?! But I keep going. After that initial panic was over, I realized it is just like the enemy to give one last ditch effort to keep us from victory! I had ran almost .70 miles in training, but .1 into the race that would defeat the devil, he plays mind games with me to make me stop the race! Wow! How many victories have I missed because the last leg of the journey was harder than I expected or the enemy simply psyched me out and I quit?!
I didn't run the whole thing..in fact, I didn't ever run as far at one time as I had in training. But my goal was to finish, and not be last. I met that goal..and actually had my best personal time! I finished in 46 minutes and 30 something seconds! But way more important than the time was finishing with freedom! Seriously, for anyone who has not been in spiritual warfare or been on a journey to break a generational stronghold, this will sound crazy. It won't be the first...and I am sure not the last..time I am called crazy! I knew since deciding to do the 5K that when I crossed the finish line I would be doing something in the natural that would release the spiritual freedom I needed to finally walk in health and wellness. The self-doubt and whatever else you call what kept me eating poorly and "settling" for this life would be done! I was a weeping mess even before I got to the starting line! Part of that was fear too! I had a friend encouraging me. I laughed because she said, you have fought African governments for children, this race has nothing to scare you! Funny isn't it, the things we let fear get a grip of in our life?! I knew I wanted to run (ok jog....as my FB friends know I don't really run! Someone posted something that said my running looks like a herd of turtles running through peanut buttern and that's me!) across the finish line! I had a plan. I had never taken the time to get good running music, so the night before I had downloaded Mandisa's knew album. GREAT running music! Maybe not the fastest tempo, but the words to two of her songs could not have been more appropriate! There was one song, Pres On, that I knew would push me over the finish line strong. So I had a plan to switch my music to that song right as I start my sprint (ok, really fast walk/jog, but I can dream, can't I?!) to the end. I turned the corner...I set my music, and I picked up the pace! And then, my phone does crazy stuff and switches songs every second or two! Ugh! NO!!!! So I go back to a walk, put it on Press On, and pick it up again. Same thing! Ugh!!!! Really, God?! Now?! I need this to get past that line up there! I try one more time....same thing! Forget it! I take off letting the crazy phone do it's thing! About 10 seconds later, I am smiling from ear to ear because it lands on Dance, Dance, Dance! I knew it wasn' t a coincidence! God had just given me the biggest hug possible! You see, when that album came out YEARS ago, I would sing that song dreaming of being free from the bondage of weight and food addiction. Mandisa wrote it on her journey through the same thing. I would sing it as a prayer more than a celebration because I wasn't there yet! But here, when I was walking out in the physical what I knew God was doing in the spiritual, my phone switches to this:
Maybe you don't understand why I gotta dance
There was something had me down but it's over now
I'm a throw my hands up
Wave 'em all in the air
'Cause all I wanna do is dance, dance, dance
They told me you ain't good enough
Don't look good enough
Don't sing good enough
Maybe you should give it up
And if I would've then I never could've received
None of the things that He planned for me
So I waited a little longer
Grew a little stronger and then
I realized something was happening
It's so incredible, it's unexplainable
You oughta try Him for yourself and see because
[Chorus]
Sometimes I think about
How it used to be, and can't help but
Remembering how it was never easy for me, no, no
But the way God works, it's so amazing
He never forgot me, I can't forget Him
That's enough for me to lift my hands and
I'm sorry if you don't understand
[Chorus]
All my tears (it's over now)
And all my pain (it's over now)
All my doubts (it's over now)
They went away (it's over now)
No more fear (it's over now)
And I'm glad (it's over now)
Yes, so glad
'Cause all I wanna do is dance
Wow! If I could have breathed enough, I would've literally danced across the finish line! It was just confirmation of what I already knew! I was now walking in freedom and VICTORY!!!!! Friends, to borrow the words of Mandisa, you really oughta try him for yourself and see!!! If you don't know Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior, please e-mail (hollyann@addyshope.com) me! I would love to talk to you more about the freedom you can have!
Oh...and 40, well it's looking FABULOUS!
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Already off the wagon - but not staying there!
Trained two days, then skipped three days! Ugh! I told you I was committed to the good, the bad, and the ugly on here! That's ugly!
It seemed everything worked against me this week...sick kids, extra work load...but that's just it. In this season, there will not be a "convenient" time for getting healthy. I am going to have to fight for the time to run/exercise. I am going to have to carve out time to cook and shop healthy. It has to take priority! I can't have the "later" mentality....like, I'll run later today. First thing in the morning before the rest of my world comes to life is going to have to be my time for exercise.
I know the battle is still raging because at one point yesterday the despair of trying and failing so many times came back with overwhelming force! You know that, "You failed again, you might as well just quit" voice. Followed by "You'll never be anything other than what you are right now." Well, that's just a lie! The enemy wants to keep me in a state of despair and defeat!
Part of maturing in my walk with Christ and in particularly in my awareness of the spiritual realm and what it means in my daily walk is recognizing attacks for what they are and fighting back with the weapons of warfare. Second Corinthians 10 tell us that even though we walk in the flesh, we don't war with weapons of the flesh. We have to fight with the weapons of spiritual warfare that are "divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses." We are not fighting things of this world. So fighting with things we "see" will do no good. This chapter continues to tell us, "We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God." That's it! We are fighting against those things we have believed - like I am a failure at exercising and getting healthy! A text came in yesterday that sent me in a tail spin toward depression. It might as well have been signed, "love, Satan"! It was directly from him to put another brick in the fortress of the stronghold of the lies he wants me to believe about my ability to handle all that is in my life right now. But when I realize it was a fiery dart sent from the enemy, I can stop the spiral with the Truth! Looking back at the circumstances surrounding the babies coming to live with us (something we never sought out, but God lit each step of the path...steps we didn't even know were there!)...how He orchestrated the move and blessed us in so many ways along that path, when I stop and look at those Truths along with Philippians 4:13 that promises I can do anything as long as it is God strengthening me to do it, I can know there is hope. And I know that I am on the path God has asked me to walk even if it seems crazy to most everyone else, and I do what 2 Corinthians 10 says we do with our weapons of warfare, "we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ!"
As soon as I stopped, hit my knees, cried out, started repeating out loud (my kids are used to it now and only occasionally ask me if I've lost my mind) these Truths, the despair lifted! The hope returned. Nothing about my circumstances changed one bit. It was all fought and won in my mind!
It's the same with any stronghold that has a grip on you and is keeping you from walking in complete freedom and victory in Christ! First we have to ask if there is any sin that is allowing the enemy access to us in this area. If there is, we have to stop, and repent. That means turn and go the other way! God's forgiveness is complete and total! That sin is gone. Now you have to replace the hole left by that sin in your mind with Truth! The enemy will desperately try to keep you in bondage even after you have stopped sinning. And sometimes, there is no sin. It's just the words of another or a generational bondage that has been passed down through your family. Whatever it is, the answer is the same.....use scripture to deflect the arrow of lies that the enemy uses to build the stronghold. With every Truth you believe, a brick of the wall falls.
I've known the tools for years, but I am just now learning how to recognize the battle immediately and put the tools to use! It is energizing and brings so much hope! When you realize the enemy truly has no power over you than what you give him, you start recognizing when you've given him power and you TAKE. IT. BACK!
So, today, I will run! I will not buy the lie that I can't do it. I will not buy the lie that this time will be the same as all times before. And I will not buy the lie that my life is too much to handle! And I pray for anyone reading this who is battling lies keeping them in a stronghold that Holy Spirit will speak Truth over you that you can cling to and tear down your stronghold as well!
For if the Son makes you free, you are free indeed! (John 8:36)
It seemed everything worked against me this week...sick kids, extra work load...but that's just it. In this season, there will not be a "convenient" time for getting healthy. I am going to have to fight for the time to run/exercise. I am going to have to carve out time to cook and shop healthy. It has to take priority! I can't have the "later" mentality....like, I'll run later today. First thing in the morning before the rest of my world comes to life is going to have to be my time for exercise.
I know the battle is still raging because at one point yesterday the despair of trying and failing so many times came back with overwhelming force! You know that, "You failed again, you might as well just quit" voice. Followed by "You'll never be anything other than what you are right now." Well, that's just a lie! The enemy wants to keep me in a state of despair and defeat!
Part of maturing in my walk with Christ and in particularly in my awareness of the spiritual realm and what it means in my daily walk is recognizing attacks for what they are and fighting back with the weapons of warfare. Second Corinthians 10 tell us that even though we walk in the flesh, we don't war with weapons of the flesh. We have to fight with the weapons of spiritual warfare that are "divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses." We are not fighting things of this world. So fighting with things we "see" will do no good. This chapter continues to tell us, "We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God." That's it! We are fighting against those things we have believed - like I am a failure at exercising and getting healthy! A text came in yesterday that sent me in a tail spin toward depression. It might as well have been signed, "love, Satan"! It was directly from him to put another brick in the fortress of the stronghold of the lies he wants me to believe about my ability to handle all that is in my life right now. But when I realize it was a fiery dart sent from the enemy, I can stop the spiral with the Truth! Looking back at the circumstances surrounding the babies coming to live with us (something we never sought out, but God lit each step of the path...steps we didn't even know were there!)...how He orchestrated the move and blessed us in so many ways along that path, when I stop and look at those Truths along with Philippians 4:13 that promises I can do anything as long as it is God strengthening me to do it, I can know there is hope. And I know that I am on the path God has asked me to walk even if it seems crazy to most everyone else, and I do what 2 Corinthians 10 says we do with our weapons of warfare, "we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ!"
As soon as I stopped, hit my knees, cried out, started repeating out loud (my kids are used to it now and only occasionally ask me if I've lost my mind) these Truths, the despair lifted! The hope returned. Nothing about my circumstances changed one bit. It was all fought and won in my mind!
It's the same with any stronghold that has a grip on you and is keeping you from walking in complete freedom and victory in Christ! First we have to ask if there is any sin that is allowing the enemy access to us in this area. If there is, we have to stop, and repent. That means turn and go the other way! God's forgiveness is complete and total! That sin is gone. Now you have to replace the hole left by that sin in your mind with Truth! The enemy will desperately try to keep you in bondage even after you have stopped sinning. And sometimes, there is no sin. It's just the words of another or a generational bondage that has been passed down through your family. Whatever it is, the answer is the same.....use scripture to deflect the arrow of lies that the enemy uses to build the stronghold. With every Truth you believe, a brick of the wall falls.
I've known the tools for years, but I am just now learning how to recognize the battle immediately and put the tools to use! It is energizing and brings so much hope! When you realize the enemy truly has no power over you than what you give him, you start recognizing when you've given him power and you TAKE. IT. BACK!
So, today, I will run! I will not buy the lie that I can't do it. I will not buy the lie that this time will be the same as all times before. And I will not buy the lie that my life is too much to handle! And I pray for anyone reading this who is battling lies keeping them in a stronghold that Holy Spirit will speak Truth over you that you can cling to and tear down your stronghold as well!
For if the Son makes you free, you are free indeed! (John 8:36)
Thursday, November 7, 2013
5K - It's more than a run!
So the kids brought this home on Monday.
In most stories where weight has been a life long battle, you hear of the "one defining moment" when that person who has not overcome the weight battle decides no matter what, it's done! I have always wondered if that moment would come for me. I've battled it my entire life! I would see a picture of myself and think, Wow! That's what I look like? But still didn't stick to a battle plan. Pretty sure seeing this card that was delivered by my sweet Ava will go down in history as my defining moment. When I looked down and saw the date.....December 14....something in me clicked! That's my 40th birthday. I had determined on my birthday last year that I would not enter the next decade as unhealthy as I am now. I would enter the new decade lighter and more able to carry out all my daily life requires of me. Little did I know the demands of my daily life would just about double over this year between the move and that babies coming to live with us. With all the added responsibility and time demands, I struggled to find time for any type of exercise. And without the exercise, I know weight loss is not going to happen for me. That would start a vicious cycle of not eating right because it wasn't worth it if I couldn't exercise. Then there is just the fact of eating right takes planning ahead! All of it just seemed like an insurmountable mountain!
But when I stared at that date realizing it is just a little over a month away...and while I am a few pounds under where I was on December 14 of last year, I am nowhere near where I want to be!
But it's more than weight! It's more than being healthy! For me, this is a spiritual battle. I am not saying this for everyone who struggles with weight, but for me, it is an area of bondage. And frankly, I am sick of being in bondage to this! Jesus went to the cross to set me FREE! If I am in bondage, it's because I am believing the lies the enemy throws at me. The only bondage I can be in is the one I willingly remain in. Well, this prisoner is busting through the gates!
I am two days in. I have run for two days, now. I didn't run this morning because Journey is sick and was up most of the night..so the enemy is already taunting me with failing. Well, devil, the Day. Ain't. Over! I will run tonight!
Even in my runs, I am finding freedom! I put on praise music or sermons while I run/walk. If anyone were to follow me, I am sure they would pretty much think I have lost my mind! I pray out loud when I have enough air to do it. I declare that victory is mine! Each time my foot goes down on the cement..sometimes heavier than others when I am about to the end of my running time....I envision the enemy right there, under my foot! With each step I take I am running farther and farther from my prison cell! And it's exhilarating! Who needs drugs when you have Jesus?!
So I am taking you on this journey with me! I am making a promise to post the good, the bad and the ugly! Not because I am all excited about putting it out there, but because I know everyone that walks this earth is in bondage to something! And for those of us who have areas that we have tried to break free from all our lives, the chains feel too heavy to carry much less break free from! But because of tools I have been given by people wiser and further in their walk in Christ than me, I now have the tools to break the chains...no matter how thick! I want EVERYONE to have these tools! The church of America has not taught these over the past many years!
And you see, my "prison" is literally worn on my body! I have felt at times like it is the scarlet "A" hanging around my neck! I have a dream to one day stand before women as a motivational speaker/teacher or stand before adoptive parents to encourage them in the battles of loving children from abuse and neglect. When I stand there, I want to stand in freedom! Don't hear me say that I wouldn't do it right now at the weight I am, I would! But I want freedom in ALL areas! I want ALL God has for me! And I want to stand as a representation of freedom in Christ in all areas! I want to reflect God in the best way I can! And I don't do that at the weigh I am right now.
So it's time to take back the temple! This time, I don't stop until I reach the goal. For today, the goal is a 5K where I will cross the finish line at the fastest pace I can on the day I enter my 4th decade marking a new season in life where the enemy has no more power over me in this area!
In most stories where weight has been a life long battle, you hear of the "one defining moment" when that person who has not overcome the weight battle decides no matter what, it's done! I have always wondered if that moment would come for me. I've battled it my entire life! I would see a picture of myself and think, Wow! That's what I look like? But still didn't stick to a battle plan. Pretty sure seeing this card that was delivered by my sweet Ava will go down in history as my defining moment. When I looked down and saw the date.....December 14....something in me clicked! That's my 40th birthday. I had determined on my birthday last year that I would not enter the next decade as unhealthy as I am now. I would enter the new decade lighter and more able to carry out all my daily life requires of me. Little did I know the demands of my daily life would just about double over this year between the move and that babies coming to live with us. With all the added responsibility and time demands, I struggled to find time for any type of exercise. And without the exercise, I know weight loss is not going to happen for me. That would start a vicious cycle of not eating right because it wasn't worth it if I couldn't exercise. Then there is just the fact of eating right takes planning ahead! All of it just seemed like an insurmountable mountain!
But when I stared at that date realizing it is just a little over a month away...and while I am a few pounds under where I was on December 14 of last year, I am nowhere near where I want to be!
But it's more than weight! It's more than being healthy! For me, this is a spiritual battle. I am not saying this for everyone who struggles with weight, but for me, it is an area of bondage. And frankly, I am sick of being in bondage to this! Jesus went to the cross to set me FREE! If I am in bondage, it's because I am believing the lies the enemy throws at me. The only bondage I can be in is the one I willingly remain in. Well, this prisoner is busting through the gates!
I am two days in. I have run for two days, now. I didn't run this morning because Journey is sick and was up most of the night..so the enemy is already taunting me with failing. Well, devil, the Day. Ain't. Over! I will run tonight!
Even in my runs, I am finding freedom! I put on praise music or sermons while I run/walk. If anyone were to follow me, I am sure they would pretty much think I have lost my mind! I pray out loud when I have enough air to do it. I declare that victory is mine! Each time my foot goes down on the cement..sometimes heavier than others when I am about to the end of my running time....I envision the enemy right there, under my foot! With each step I take I am running farther and farther from my prison cell! And it's exhilarating! Who needs drugs when you have Jesus?!
So I am taking you on this journey with me! I am making a promise to post the good, the bad and the ugly! Not because I am all excited about putting it out there, but because I know everyone that walks this earth is in bondage to something! And for those of us who have areas that we have tried to break free from all our lives, the chains feel too heavy to carry much less break free from! But because of tools I have been given by people wiser and further in their walk in Christ than me, I now have the tools to break the chains...no matter how thick! I want EVERYONE to have these tools! The church of America has not taught these over the past many years!
And you see, my "prison" is literally worn on my body! I have felt at times like it is the scarlet "A" hanging around my neck! I have a dream to one day stand before women as a motivational speaker/teacher or stand before adoptive parents to encourage them in the battles of loving children from abuse and neglect. When I stand there, I want to stand in freedom! Don't hear me say that I wouldn't do it right now at the weight I am, I would! But I want freedom in ALL areas! I want ALL God has for me! And I want to stand as a representation of freedom in Christ in all areas! I want to reflect God in the best way I can! And I don't do that at the weigh I am right now.
So it's time to take back the temple! This time, I don't stop until I reach the goal. For today, the goal is a 5K where I will cross the finish line at the fastest pace I can on the day I enter my 4th decade marking a new season in life where the enemy has no more power over me in this area!
Friday, October 18, 2013
A little Encouragement: You don't have to be perfect!
I have been listening to Bill Johnson's current serious around the wisdom of Solomon. The first part of this story that is amazing to me and I had never picked up on is that the entire conversation with God and impartation of Solomon's wisdom occurred in a dream! I got to start praying for more intimate dreams! But the second thing that really stuck out to me this morning as I am coming off of one of the hardest days I have ever had in spiritual warfare is in 1 Kings 3:14. It says, "If you walk in My ways, keeping My statutes and commandments, as your father David walked, then I will prolong your days." (emphasis added) There's some encouragement for you day! The standard that God uses as he imparts this amazing gift on Solomon is a man who had an affair and then arranged for his mistress' husband to be killed in battle! But even with those actions that I think the legalistic side of any Christian would characterize as one of the "biggies", God still tells Solomon if he walks like David, God will see that as a worthy walk! That has given me freedom today! I don't always have the best intentions and most certainly not the best thoughts. The enemy would have me believe that I can't be used of God after I fail in thought or action, but the Truth is as long as I repent of that and continue to seek God and do what He is asking, there is redemption, restoration and He will still. use. me! That encouraged me today....I hope it does you as well! It's FRIDAY! That should encourage you too! Be blessed today!
Monday, October 14, 2013
Stricter Abortion Law: We can't ignore the ripples
Texas has passed the most restrictive abortion law of any state yet. The new regulations will go into effect the end of this month. Before I get into this, let me make clear that I am most definitely pro-life. I am against abortion. I believe God is the giver of all life and should be the one who decides when life should end. Maybe I will blog another time about why I believe that. Really, it goes beyond my faith! I decided at 11 years old I was pro-life before I really knew anything about my faith!
When the battle over the legislation was in full force I did my share of Facebook shares of the information. I asked my state representatives and senator to support the bill. And I can say with some certainty that the results of the now law that I will discuss here most likely saved a baby in my own family. I believe in it. I am thankful for it.
However, I fear most who marched on the steps of the Texas Capital or posted their support from their computer on Facebook celebrated once the bill passed into law, but now what? You see the bill being passed was the pebble...or quite possibly the boulder...that was thrown into the lake. But the ripples are just now starting! There are consequences of legislation. There will no doubt be babies saved because this stricter legislation has shut down abortion clinics. Praise God! Women's lives will also be saved as stricter regulations will provide for cleaner and more professional settings for those who do choose to abort a baby. You can read about some of the ripples already starting in DallasNews and the Star-Telegram. The effects are real.
But there is more. I sat talking to one of our adoptive families right after the legislation passed. This is a family who is not looking for a baby. They are one of my heroes who are committed to providing a home for one or two of the older kids who wait in our foster system. But in our conversation, the husband made a comment that left a knot in my stomach. He said something like, "The agency is going to explode now with all the babies that aren't aborted!" I can honestly say I had not thought of that. But since that day, it has not left me.
Here's the facts. The legislation will no doubt prevent some abortions. Babies will be saved. But what then? What happens to that baby? Most women who are considering abortion are in that place because they feel unprepared to parent a child for a multitude of reasons. So what do we do now with a mom who doesn't want to be a mom? Let me stop here and say that I know there will be many, probably most, women who by the end of their pregnancy will have come to a place where they are grateful they did not abort and will have made whatever changes or sacrifices needed to be made to go on to be amazing mothers for their new baby. I don't believe nor intend to allude here that all babies not aborted will not be parented by the women who birth them. But what about those who aren't?
If those of us on the pro-life side are sitting back thinking the work is done, well, we are clueless. If we think for one minute that the pro-choice activists are not watching every statistic in our state - child abuse numbers, Women, Infant and Children's Nutrition numbers, Child Protective Services numbers, infant mortality numbers - then we are more than naive. All of this will be monitored. If we don't provide an intervention for those babies that this law saves, then we have failed. I fear that most see the law as the victory, and they are done. But really, the work has only begun!
This is how it looks in my world. Eight of the nine children who I am raising should have been aborted by most pro-choice standards. Only one of my children was a planned pregnancy, and the other eight were God-given blessings with un-planned pregnancies. Six of those eight children met most if not all of the bullet points for why women should abort. They were in poverty, some were into drugs and other detrimental habits. One of my children was conceived after two pregnancies had been terminated by abortion. Only by God's grace does this child breath life! I remember being in high school and being in the abortion debate in my government class. My teacher was pro-choice. There were several of us in the class who were pro-life, and we were all very outspoken about it. I will never forget during one of the debates, Ms. Fowler said, "I wish all those who want to keep these babies alive would put their money where their mouth is and raise them instead of letting the government do it." I was highly offended that day, but even deep down in the gut of a immature high school girl, I knew she had a point. I have no idea where Ms. Fowler is today, but I would love to tell her that I have to agree with her now! Not much I can say that about, but on that fact, I agree! And I would love to look her in the eyes and say, I put my money, my time, my life where my mouth is! Thank you for the challenge!
I am sure many would say, "there are so many families waiting for a baby, that will not be a problem!" Maybe so, but what about those babies who are born with the birth defects? What about the babies who are born addicted to drugs? What about the babies who have been exposed to alcohol and you have no way of knowing just what that fact will mean for you or your child until they are older? Very few of those waiting families are willing to take those babies. And what about the babies that don't look like those families? You know, the darker ones that are already difficult for agencies to place with families. I don't mean to offend anyone here, but it does us no good to ignore reality!
Let me take it a step further. What about the 13,000 children who are currently in the foster system in Texas whose parents did choose life? Obviously those parents were not ready to be parents for some reason or their children would not be in the custody of the state. Some of those parents will get another chance, and their children will be returned. What about the ones that will not be returned? What about the over 6,000 children who right now sit in the foster system with parents' rights terminated ready to be adopted.....but no families to adopt them? Their parents chose life when legislation didn't dictate it. What are we doing about it?
"We" is such a vague word, isn't it. It's kind of like "they". So who is "we"? Well, in this case, I would say "we" starts with anyone who wrote a letter, posted on their Facebook page, marched on the lawn, or otherwise supported the legislation to provide stricter abortion laws in any way. You are "we"! Thank you for your part in getting the legislation passed! I sincerely mean that! I am thankful! But you can't stop there! You have to now provide an answer for those parents who choose life because abortions are no longer readily available! We have to provide a solution to the ripples coming from the pebble that was tossed!
But honestly, the "we" is much bigger than that group of people. And really, this is the "we" I want to reach out to here! The bigger "we" is the Church! Are we not called to provide answers to a lost world? Is the Church not called to care for the least of these? First John 3:17-18 says it best, "But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth." My question is when is the Church going to quit talking about it and start doing it? There are over 6,000 children in Texas waiting on you! You realize that it would take less than one family per church in the state to adopt in order to completely empty the state of Texas of waiting children? That is insane! What are we waiting for? If you are not convinced, read James 1:27, "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world."
If this legislation becomes the basis to fight all other legislation in every other state because we, the Church, does not stand up with answers to these girls who are in crisis pregnancies, then we have failed. Will you help? Will you take this message to your church leaders? Will you take the initiative to look up an adoption agency in your area? Friends in Midland or Odessa and surrounding areas in West Texas, we would gladly send an Addy's Hope representative to speak to your pastor or even your congregation about adoption as an educational meeting. We can give you resources to hand to women in crisis pregnancy. Adoption should be the last option for these girls. We can help give you resources to put in their hands to give them every opportunity to parent. If they are still unable to parent, we would love to provide them with the option of adoption by a Christian family! If you are in the Dallas or Fort Worth area, I can come speak to your pastor and/or congregation. Help spread the word that the battle over abortion is not over in Texas, but I believe it has just started! Let's give our fellow pro-life warriors in other states numbers to support pro-life legislation in their state! And in the mean time, we will be saving a generation from the hands of the enemy. And in my books, that is a win/win deal!
If you need resources for a woman in crisis pregnancy or would like more information on how to be the answer to the children already here and needing a family, I would be happy to help. You can reach me by e-mail at hollyann@addyshope.com or by phone at 432.897.1503. Our website is under construction, but will be a great resource very soon! If you are a pastor reading this, please take a Sunday night, Wednesday night or at least the corner of your bulletin or a flash on your screen for announcements to educate your congregation on the answers to crisis pregnancies and the need for adoptive families for children in foster care!
We, the Church, have The Answer! It's time we start sharing it in more ways than just inside our church walls! Let's be the answer!
When the battle over the legislation was in full force I did my share of Facebook shares of the information. I asked my state representatives and senator to support the bill. And I can say with some certainty that the results of the now law that I will discuss here most likely saved a baby in my own family. I believe in it. I am thankful for it.
However, I fear most who marched on the steps of the Texas Capital or posted their support from their computer on Facebook celebrated once the bill passed into law, but now what? You see the bill being passed was the pebble...or quite possibly the boulder...that was thrown into the lake. But the ripples are just now starting! There are consequences of legislation. There will no doubt be babies saved because this stricter legislation has shut down abortion clinics. Praise God! Women's lives will also be saved as stricter regulations will provide for cleaner and more professional settings for those who do choose to abort a baby. You can read about some of the ripples already starting in DallasNews and the Star-Telegram. The effects are real.
But there is more. I sat talking to one of our adoptive families right after the legislation passed. This is a family who is not looking for a baby. They are one of my heroes who are committed to providing a home for one or two of the older kids who wait in our foster system. But in our conversation, the husband made a comment that left a knot in my stomach. He said something like, "The agency is going to explode now with all the babies that aren't aborted!" I can honestly say I had not thought of that. But since that day, it has not left me.
Here's the facts. The legislation will no doubt prevent some abortions. Babies will be saved. But what then? What happens to that baby? Most women who are considering abortion are in that place because they feel unprepared to parent a child for a multitude of reasons. So what do we do now with a mom who doesn't want to be a mom? Let me stop here and say that I know there will be many, probably most, women who by the end of their pregnancy will have come to a place where they are grateful they did not abort and will have made whatever changes or sacrifices needed to be made to go on to be amazing mothers for their new baby. I don't believe nor intend to allude here that all babies not aborted will not be parented by the women who birth them. But what about those who aren't?
If those of us on the pro-life side are sitting back thinking the work is done, well, we are clueless. If we think for one minute that the pro-choice activists are not watching every statistic in our state - child abuse numbers, Women, Infant and Children's Nutrition numbers, Child Protective Services numbers, infant mortality numbers - then we are more than naive. All of this will be monitored. If we don't provide an intervention for those babies that this law saves, then we have failed. I fear that most see the law as the victory, and they are done. But really, the work has only begun!
This is how it looks in my world. Eight of the nine children who I am raising should have been aborted by most pro-choice standards. Only one of my children was a planned pregnancy, and the other eight were God-given blessings with un-planned pregnancies. Six of those eight children met most if not all of the bullet points for why women should abort. They were in poverty, some were into drugs and other detrimental habits. One of my children was conceived after two pregnancies had been terminated by abortion. Only by God's grace does this child breath life! I remember being in high school and being in the abortion debate in my government class. My teacher was pro-choice. There were several of us in the class who were pro-life, and we were all very outspoken about it. I will never forget during one of the debates, Ms. Fowler said, "I wish all those who want to keep these babies alive would put their money where their mouth is and raise them instead of letting the government do it." I was highly offended that day, but even deep down in the gut of a immature high school girl, I knew she had a point. I have no idea where Ms. Fowler is today, but I would love to tell her that I have to agree with her now! Not much I can say that about, but on that fact, I agree! And I would love to look her in the eyes and say, I put my money, my time, my life where my mouth is! Thank you for the challenge!
I am sure many would say, "there are so many families waiting for a baby, that will not be a problem!" Maybe so, but what about those babies who are born with the birth defects? What about the babies who are born addicted to drugs? What about the babies who have been exposed to alcohol and you have no way of knowing just what that fact will mean for you or your child until they are older? Very few of those waiting families are willing to take those babies. And what about the babies that don't look like those families? You know, the darker ones that are already difficult for agencies to place with families. I don't mean to offend anyone here, but it does us no good to ignore reality!
Let me take it a step further. What about the 13,000 children who are currently in the foster system in Texas whose parents did choose life? Obviously those parents were not ready to be parents for some reason or their children would not be in the custody of the state. Some of those parents will get another chance, and their children will be returned. What about the ones that will not be returned? What about the over 6,000 children who right now sit in the foster system with parents' rights terminated ready to be adopted.....but no families to adopt them? Their parents chose life when legislation didn't dictate it. What are we doing about it?
"We" is such a vague word, isn't it. It's kind of like "they". So who is "we"? Well, in this case, I would say "we" starts with anyone who wrote a letter, posted on their Facebook page, marched on the lawn, or otherwise supported the legislation to provide stricter abortion laws in any way. You are "we"! Thank you for your part in getting the legislation passed! I sincerely mean that! I am thankful! But you can't stop there! You have to now provide an answer for those parents who choose life because abortions are no longer readily available! We have to provide a solution to the ripples coming from the pebble that was tossed!
But honestly, the "we" is much bigger than that group of people. And really, this is the "we" I want to reach out to here! The bigger "we" is the Church! Are we not called to provide answers to a lost world? Is the Church not called to care for the least of these? First John 3:17-18 says it best, "But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth." My question is when is the Church going to quit talking about it and start doing it? There are over 6,000 children in Texas waiting on you! You realize that it would take less than one family per church in the state to adopt in order to completely empty the state of Texas of waiting children? That is insane! What are we waiting for? If you are not convinced, read James 1:27, "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world."
If this legislation becomes the basis to fight all other legislation in every other state because we, the Church, does not stand up with answers to these girls who are in crisis pregnancies, then we have failed. Will you help? Will you take this message to your church leaders? Will you take the initiative to look up an adoption agency in your area? Friends in Midland or Odessa and surrounding areas in West Texas, we would gladly send an Addy's Hope representative to speak to your pastor or even your congregation about adoption as an educational meeting. We can give you resources to hand to women in crisis pregnancy. Adoption should be the last option for these girls. We can help give you resources to put in their hands to give them every opportunity to parent. If they are still unable to parent, we would love to provide them with the option of adoption by a Christian family! If you are in the Dallas or Fort Worth area, I can come speak to your pastor and/or congregation. Help spread the word that the battle over abortion is not over in Texas, but I believe it has just started! Let's give our fellow pro-life warriors in other states numbers to support pro-life legislation in their state! And in the mean time, we will be saving a generation from the hands of the enemy. And in my books, that is a win/win deal!
If you need resources for a woman in crisis pregnancy or would like more information on how to be the answer to the children already here and needing a family, I would be happy to help. You can reach me by e-mail at hollyann@addyshope.com or by phone at 432.897.1503. Our website is under construction, but will be a great resource very soon! If you are a pastor reading this, please take a Sunday night, Wednesday night or at least the corner of your bulletin or a flash on your screen for announcements to educate your congregation on the answers to crisis pregnancies and the need for adoptive families for children in foster care!
We, the Church, have The Answer! It's time we start sharing it in more ways than just inside our church walls! Let's be the answer!
Thursday, October 3, 2013
A little of our story....
As we start a new season, we meet people who don't know our story. As I was thinking about what took us from Liberia to waiting children right here in the US, I remembered that I had written a piece for our Addy's Show Playbill. It tells a bit about the path that God put us on to get us here...and my heart about these children. So here it is:
Welcome to the first ever Addy's Show! Thank you for coming and supporting Addy's Hope and our efforts to find homes for the waiting children of Texas.
Four years ago John and I were asked to take a two year old little boy as a foster placement. We asked to visit him before giving an answer on the placement. Walking out of the "emergency shelter" that housed 25 children ages 5 years old and younger right here in Midland, Texas, I was forever changed. I had been in many orphanages in Africa, but had no idea there was one in my own backyard. It was that visit that brought John and I to the realization of the orphan crisis right here in Texas! I soon learned that over 6,000 children were waiting in our foster system for adoptive families. I then learned there were no adoption fees to adopt these children and most qualify for adoption subsidies that will continue until their 18th birthday. They receive free college tuition to any state school in Texas and have medicaid coverage for medical expenses even after the adoption is finalized. We knew we could not take this information and simply walk away from it. Once made aware of an injustice, you can no longer plead ignorance as reason to ignore the crisis. John and I answered the crisis by adopting a waiting child personally and also by making a commitment to work with the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services to recruit and train families to bring God's orphans home!
James 1 says that we are to be "doers" and not merely "hearers" of the Word. Please do not leave here as a man who looks in a mirror and walks away forgetting what he saw. These children need you! Not everyone is called to adopt, but everyone can do something! Help us spread the word about the crisis of these children in our social welfare system. Read the statistics in the halls between their pictures. We have to stop this cycle now. The future of our nation hinges on us getting these children into families and changing their destination. We need financial supporters to help us keep our program running since families do not pay adoption fees, and the fees paid by the state do not cover the hours it takes to train and support a family through an entire adoption process and beyond. You can also be a team member for a family who is adopting. Team members provide meals, babysit, clean a house or just listen when parents need an empathetic ear. There is some way that every one can be a part of finding families for these children! We truly believe there are no unwanted children, only unfound families. We need your help finding homes for these children!
The children you have met tonight in the pages you are holding and in the halls as you walked into the theater need you. Please consider how you can help. If you would like more information on how to adopt one of these children, call me at 432.897.1503 or send me an e-mail at hollyann@addyshope.com. Together, we can empty the foster system of these waiting children and answer God's call to bring His children home!
I would like to personally thank all of our sponsors! Without you, this would still be only a dream! The playbill you hold as well as all the amazing publications for tonight were the work of the amazingly talented Rachel Austin and Eric Huecker! Rachel & Eric, your support of our work and your heart for these children blesses me and spurs me on in the work that I do! Thank you! Holly Bartlett, thank you for stuffing and mailing countless support letters to help make tonight as successful as possible! Skip Ziegler, your knowledge and love of technology has made Addy's Show high tech tonight. Thank you for using your talents for God's children. Katie Bailey, we did it! Thank you for having this vision and putting in the work it took to make it a reality! I am forever grateful for all you have done for Addy's Hope. And to our amazing cast, there are no words to express my gratitude for the countless hours you have spent in preparation! I pray God's blessing on you and your families for the sacrifices made to make tonight possible! You have played a part in every child that finds a home from the fires that are sparked tonight! To my children, Paizley, Callie, Noah, Toben, Ava, Madison & Journey, thank you for letting me tell your stories! Thank you for loving being the "weird" family as much as I do! I love you to the moon and back! John, thank you for taking this journey with me! Thank you for supporting our family so I can chase my calling! Thank you for saying "yes" to God and getting the ball rolling for Addy's Hope nine years ago when I still thought it was impossible! Thank you for wiping the tears I cry for the children I serve and always reminding me why we do this thing we do. I love you! And to my Heavenly Father, thank you for entrusting me with the call of Your children. I pray tonight has been pleasing to You, and I ask that you leave the faces of these children imprinted on those You have brought here tonight until they all have homes!
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Free Will, My Choice, Sacrifice and Warfare
So the move was to our promised land. However, it's felt more like the 40 years in the wilderness compacted into three weeks. It has greatly frustrated me that things have not gone smoothly. I mean we stepped out in faith, right?! God provided this job...that was the faith step and where it was supposed to end, the rest was just supposed to be rainbows and roses. When we walked through the door of this home we were supposed to walk into a mecca of peace, blessings and happily ever after. I mean, that's how it's supposed to work when you take a big leap of faith, right?
As I write it, I can see how ludicrous it sounds, but somehow in my mind, that was how it was supposed to be. I was excited about the move, looking forward to our new life in our new home with great anticipation. I hadn't taken into account the fact that I had yet to be fully in charge of all four babies by myself while having to manage a job, dinners, school pick ups and drop-offs, etc, etc. I hadn't really counted the cost of not selling our house yet and what that would truly mean for the first weeks in our new home. I hadn't anticipated learning that grand-baby number three will be due around May of next year. With each passing day of boxes and babies while alone in a house I can't leave - I mean where am I supposed to go, we don't have a stroller that holds more than two and grocery carts don't hold many more than that if you want room to put anything in them - I could feel myself slipping into depression. And did I mention where we live is about 15 minutes from ANY sizable store? At least until the new Wal- Mart opens in a few weeks...but that hasn't helped in the current circumstances of my transition. I felt myself becoming a person I left behind years ago. I have battled depression....took medicine and the whole shooting match! I know depression is real! I know there are times you need medication to deal with depression when there are chemicals in your body that are not working correctly. But I knew this was not a chemical issue. This was WAR.
But here's the thing, I was so weary and so far gone already in my thoughts that I wasn't sure how to fight. And of course, when you are in that kind of pit, the enemy taunts you relentlessly with any thoughts of trying to reach out for help. But I knew I was up against a real battle when John had gone out of town for a business trip and the heaviness set in. I did pretty good at going through the motions, and think for the most part had a happy face for the kids. But inside my mind, the battle was raging and each hour seemed to grow darker than the one before. I went up to do the night time routine with the little girls. I knelt down to pray with Ava (had to get on the floor because she is sleeping on a mattress on the floor since the movers demolished her bed when half our belongings fell off the back of the truck, but I digress...). As I said, "let's pray", Ava stopped me. She asked if she could pray. Confession: I was a little relieved! I wasn't really nuts about talking to God right then. I kind of felt like He had left me to die in the middle of the battlefield with blood flowing from all my open wounds, one of the many lies I was believing at this point. We take each other's hands, Ava on one side of me and Madison on the other. Ava begins to pray.....and as I hear the words, tears well up in my eyes..."and Jesus send your angels around my mommy so she doesn't die". What? What does she mean so I don't die? She doesn't know anything is going on, and while I am low, I am not suicidal! Have I mentioned how spiritually in-tune my 7 year old is? We finish our prayers, I give the kisses, tell them I love them, threaten Madison if she gets out of bed with as much wrath as I can muster looking at her frizzy hair framed face as she grins at me, and I leave the room. I didn't give the prayers much more thought until the next morning when I woke up and realized the heaviness was gone! I was trying to figure out what was different, and God brought her prayer back to mind...and I thought - no, I wasn't going to die physically, but I was on a spiral spiritually, and her prayers broke the bondage and the dark cloud lifted a bit. It was still there, but it lifted enough that I could see just enough light to know that I was truly in a battle for my mind. I began to cry out to God for help to break free of the grip all together! I asked for wisdom and knowledge to know what started me down the slippery slope in the first place.
I had come up with a lot of answers, and I am sure they had some part in the darkness. One thing I realized was that I was more in tune to the flesh and the voice giving wrong direction than to The Voice that I know is for me and not against me! I started trying to get relief from the darkness by eating something that was satisfying to the taste buds, or watching a favorite show, or some other silly thing that would then leave me feeling worse because I wasted time or felt fat....you know how the enemy is! He tells you what will make you feel better then mocks you because you feel worse having done it! One day at a time, I began to fight back! I would ask God to show me where the battle was and would begin to make choices that would bring me back to freedom....like when the kids went down for a nap, I started to grab a cookie to sit down for "just a minute" to have some "me" time. But I had done that in the recent past and it had just brought frustration that nap time hadn't been as productive as I'd hoped. So I stopped and literally asked God to show me what would make me feel better....unpacking a box would make me feel better..so I did it. And guess what? I felt better! I felt productive - the cloud lifted a little more. I reached out to some and shared my battle with depression and asked them to pray for relief and strength for the battle.
Each day was a little brighter, a little less dark. Then on the way home from my first trip out of the house with all four babies...took me three days of "trying" to get out of the house to finally make this trip...I was listening to the radio and the announcer made a statement that was something like God always gives you the choice because we have free will. That hit a nerve and I immediately heard God say, "You do have a choice!"
You see, I didn't want to raise my grand-babies. I wanted to be Mimi! I wanted them to come over for sleep overs for Friday nights. I wanted to take them out for ice cream and then take them home all hyped up on sugar. I didn't want to be the care giver, the disciplinarian, the "mom". But when circumstances played out the way they did, we did what we believed God was not only telling us to do, but literally highlighting each step and orchestrating every fact and event so that there was no question and no wondering what His will was. Since we gained custody of the babies, I have said, "What choice did we have?" I mean really, is there a choice between letting CPS take your grand-kids and stepping in to ensure their safety yourself? And that day in the car listening to the radio, God said, "Yes! There is a choice!" Now, I am not saying I have wrestled through that yet. I argued with God all the way home that really, there is no choice. But he gently reminded me that He does give free will and I could have walked away. Really?! Walk away?! I couldn't do that, so there is no choice! But that is really not scriptural! That's not sound theology! God will never force Himself on any of His children. And so I had to face the reality....I couldn't blame God anymore for the sacrifices we have had to make for the grand-babies to live with us. It was my choice. I chose to say yes.
See, the weeks of thinking I didn't have a choice had started a seed of bitterness in me against God, against my daughter, and was beginning to grow against my sweet and innocent babies. The enemy started his taunting of "just think what you could afford if you didn't have to pay childcare for the two extra kids" or "you would already be unpacked and have your house set up if not for the two extra kids" or "you wouldn't be dragging out of sheer fatigue if you weren't getting up twice a night with the baby". Here's the deal...those are all true statements! And so in the beginning, I didn't realize it was an attack! But every day that I entertained those thoughts, I began to take a mindset that I was sacrificing too much for them, for her, and what should be a joy and an act of service to my God and my grand-babies became a slippery slope into a pit of depression and anger toward just about everyone in my life.
And here's the deal...it all happened in my mind! It only took about two weeks for the enemy to have planted enough seeds that I was headlong going down a path I would never have dreamed just weeks earlier! You see, the enemy is out to steal, kill and destroy! He knows that we are walking into our promised land, and he has thrown some HUGE punches in order to keep us in the wilderness a bit longer. But I have a choice just like the Israelites did. I can look at my promised land and see giants or I can look at my promised land and see a land already won and paid for by my Savior waiting for me to inhabit and trust Him to fight the giants and provide in whatever way I need to walk right on the land with the enemy under my foot!
As only a personal and loving God can, the morning of the day I would have this revelation, I was looking through some notes and went to a scripture that really had nothing to do with any of this. But I started reading around it and God spoke right to my circumstances! In Mark 10, Peter is basically whining to God that they have left "everything" for Him. Jesus replies, "Truly I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or farms, for My sake and for the gospel's sake, but that he will receive a hundred times as much now in the present age, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and farms." I am sure I have read that scripture a million times, but I have never seen that part where God assures Peter that there is a reward in this "present age" for giving it all and following God! But God didn't take it from them, they gave it. A choice. And in return, God promises 100 times as much as we give back in this present age! Not for when we get to heaven...there are rewards there too, but we are not to live life on this earth struggling and barely making it into the gates of heaven battered and weary from the sacrifices of a Christian life! We are to live victoriously! And now is a good time to say, I have told God there is no need to reward me with 100 times as many grand-kids for this choice to serve! Ha! And the verse does go on to say that we will be persecuted also for giving up what we have for God. So it will not always be rainbows and roses, but there will be promises of provision and sustaining blessings when we choose!
That should be the end. But my brain is very logical and analytical. And when I think about the "choice" to take my grand-babies or not take them, it is still really hard for me to see a choice. I am still wrestling with God a bit with this, so I can't tell you I have the answer, but this I know. I gave my life to Christ. I agreed to be his bond-servant. Without the sacrifice He made for me, I would be a slave to my sin, and for the freedom He has given me from my sin nature (when I choose to walk in that freedom, I might add), I owe him my life! Not just a neat prayer that says I know He was born, died and rose again, but my life! My every day, wake up, go to sleep, and what I do in-between that life. That was the first choice...to make Him Lord. Then every day I have choices to keep Him Lord. Some are small, like am I going to eat the cookie even though I know I am looking to food for comfort rather than Jesus, and some are huge, like will I choose to be a vessel of redemption for a generation?
That day in the car, God said, "You don't have to do this. And I understand if you say no. It's a hard journey I have asked you to take. It requires sacrifice not just from you and John but from your kids as well. It will require financial, emotional and physical sacrifice that at times will stretch you to new limits of fatigue, exhaustion and weariness on every front. The choice is yours. But in return you will have My blessings. You will have My protection. In return you will be the instrument of redemption and freedom in a generation of two lineages of bondage. But the choice is yours."
Sigh. I don't know what it would look like if we said no to the babies. But I do know that because they are here, the enemy will be defeated with the plans he has for their lives! I do know that the plans God has for an abundant life, for a hope and a future that is good for them will come to be because they are in our home. And that's the choice I have. Do I choose God?
And with that realization that I have chosen God, and chosen life for these innocent lives, I see them in a totally different way! They go from being a burden and a sacrifice to being what they are....innocent lives in desperate need of God's grace and the love of a family with the safety physically, emotionally and spiritually that a family provides. And that makes the endless screaming because they don't know how to be comforted easier to bear. It makes the third feeding in a night when I can barely open my eyes a joy to do. And with that choice, the battle is done! God won! The enemy is placed under my feet where He belongs. I will take up my cross and follow my Savior, I will choose this day to serve God and make Him Lord of my home...and that home includes two precious babies 11 months apart who call us Mimi and Grumps!
I share this only because I know there are so many others out there who are struggling with the subtle lies that the enemy has planted over time. You are sinking into a deep pit. And a choice to follow God and do something He asked you to do might have been what you think started you into the pit, but that is the first lie that like me, you believed! I want you to know that if you will just ask God, he will reveal the lies! He will show you how to get out of the pit! For me, praise and worship is huge! When I am in the pit of despair, I don't always get much from reading the Bible...just being transparent here...but if I put on some worship music (I usually use Youtube when I am in a bad place because not only do I hear worship, I see worship with the people singing) it breaks the darkness just enough for me to then begin hearing from God a bit. I am going to put links to some of my favorite worship songs for battle. There is also an amazing message by Bill Johnson on how we give territory to either the enemy or the Holy Spirit in our thought life as well as a blog by Tom Vermillion an amazing author who just happened to be one of our pastors and the man who I credit with dispelling my traditional thinking on spiritual warfare and showing me the truth to equip myself for the life God has called me to live! And if you are in the pit of despair, I would count it an honor and privilege to pray for you and stand with you against the enemy. Feel free to email me at hollyann@addyshope.com. You have a choice also! Choose life, choose God! Fight back! You are not alone!
http://www.ibethel.tv/watch/1773/sunday-morning/2013/09/08
There are several posts on the demonic that are great to read if you are new to truths of spiritual warfare! He also has a book called Born to be Free which I would highly recommend!
http://www.tomvermillion.com/09/17/dealing-with-the-demonic-part-1/
As I write it, I can see how ludicrous it sounds, but somehow in my mind, that was how it was supposed to be. I was excited about the move, looking forward to our new life in our new home with great anticipation. I hadn't taken into account the fact that I had yet to be fully in charge of all four babies by myself while having to manage a job, dinners, school pick ups and drop-offs, etc, etc. I hadn't really counted the cost of not selling our house yet and what that would truly mean for the first weeks in our new home. I hadn't anticipated learning that grand-baby number three will be due around May of next year. With each passing day of boxes and babies while alone in a house I can't leave - I mean where am I supposed to go, we don't have a stroller that holds more than two and grocery carts don't hold many more than that if you want room to put anything in them - I could feel myself slipping into depression. And did I mention where we live is about 15 minutes from ANY sizable store? At least until the new Wal- Mart opens in a few weeks...but that hasn't helped in the current circumstances of my transition. I felt myself becoming a person I left behind years ago. I have battled depression....took medicine and the whole shooting match! I know depression is real! I know there are times you need medication to deal with depression when there are chemicals in your body that are not working correctly. But I knew this was not a chemical issue. This was WAR.
But here's the thing, I was so weary and so far gone already in my thoughts that I wasn't sure how to fight. And of course, when you are in that kind of pit, the enemy taunts you relentlessly with any thoughts of trying to reach out for help. But I knew I was up against a real battle when John had gone out of town for a business trip and the heaviness set in. I did pretty good at going through the motions, and think for the most part had a happy face for the kids. But inside my mind, the battle was raging and each hour seemed to grow darker than the one before. I went up to do the night time routine with the little girls. I knelt down to pray with Ava (had to get on the floor because she is sleeping on a mattress on the floor since the movers demolished her bed when half our belongings fell off the back of the truck, but I digress...). As I said, "let's pray", Ava stopped me. She asked if she could pray. Confession: I was a little relieved! I wasn't really nuts about talking to God right then. I kind of felt like He had left me to die in the middle of the battlefield with blood flowing from all my open wounds, one of the many lies I was believing at this point. We take each other's hands, Ava on one side of me and Madison on the other. Ava begins to pray.....and as I hear the words, tears well up in my eyes..."and Jesus send your angels around my mommy so she doesn't die". What? What does she mean so I don't die? She doesn't know anything is going on, and while I am low, I am not suicidal! Have I mentioned how spiritually in-tune my 7 year old is? We finish our prayers, I give the kisses, tell them I love them, threaten Madison if she gets out of bed with as much wrath as I can muster looking at her frizzy hair framed face as she grins at me, and I leave the room. I didn't give the prayers much more thought until the next morning when I woke up and realized the heaviness was gone! I was trying to figure out what was different, and God brought her prayer back to mind...and I thought - no, I wasn't going to die physically, but I was on a spiral spiritually, and her prayers broke the bondage and the dark cloud lifted a bit. It was still there, but it lifted enough that I could see just enough light to know that I was truly in a battle for my mind. I began to cry out to God for help to break free of the grip all together! I asked for wisdom and knowledge to know what started me down the slippery slope in the first place.
I had come up with a lot of answers, and I am sure they had some part in the darkness. One thing I realized was that I was more in tune to the flesh and the voice giving wrong direction than to The Voice that I know is for me and not against me! I started trying to get relief from the darkness by eating something that was satisfying to the taste buds, or watching a favorite show, or some other silly thing that would then leave me feeling worse because I wasted time or felt fat....you know how the enemy is! He tells you what will make you feel better then mocks you because you feel worse having done it! One day at a time, I began to fight back! I would ask God to show me where the battle was and would begin to make choices that would bring me back to freedom....like when the kids went down for a nap, I started to grab a cookie to sit down for "just a minute" to have some "me" time. But I had done that in the recent past and it had just brought frustration that nap time hadn't been as productive as I'd hoped. So I stopped and literally asked God to show me what would make me feel better....unpacking a box would make me feel better..so I did it. And guess what? I felt better! I felt productive - the cloud lifted a little more. I reached out to some and shared my battle with depression and asked them to pray for relief and strength for the battle.
Each day was a little brighter, a little less dark. Then on the way home from my first trip out of the house with all four babies...took me three days of "trying" to get out of the house to finally make this trip...I was listening to the radio and the announcer made a statement that was something like God always gives you the choice because we have free will. That hit a nerve and I immediately heard God say, "You do have a choice!"
You see, I didn't want to raise my grand-babies. I wanted to be Mimi! I wanted them to come over for sleep overs for Friday nights. I wanted to take them out for ice cream and then take them home all hyped up on sugar. I didn't want to be the care giver, the disciplinarian, the "mom". But when circumstances played out the way they did, we did what we believed God was not only telling us to do, but literally highlighting each step and orchestrating every fact and event so that there was no question and no wondering what His will was. Since we gained custody of the babies, I have said, "What choice did we have?" I mean really, is there a choice between letting CPS take your grand-kids and stepping in to ensure their safety yourself? And that day in the car listening to the radio, God said, "Yes! There is a choice!" Now, I am not saying I have wrestled through that yet. I argued with God all the way home that really, there is no choice. But he gently reminded me that He does give free will and I could have walked away. Really?! Walk away?! I couldn't do that, so there is no choice! But that is really not scriptural! That's not sound theology! God will never force Himself on any of His children. And so I had to face the reality....I couldn't blame God anymore for the sacrifices we have had to make for the grand-babies to live with us. It was my choice. I chose to say yes.
See, the weeks of thinking I didn't have a choice had started a seed of bitterness in me against God, against my daughter, and was beginning to grow against my sweet and innocent babies. The enemy started his taunting of "just think what you could afford if you didn't have to pay childcare for the two extra kids" or "you would already be unpacked and have your house set up if not for the two extra kids" or "you wouldn't be dragging out of sheer fatigue if you weren't getting up twice a night with the baby". Here's the deal...those are all true statements! And so in the beginning, I didn't realize it was an attack! But every day that I entertained those thoughts, I began to take a mindset that I was sacrificing too much for them, for her, and what should be a joy and an act of service to my God and my grand-babies became a slippery slope into a pit of depression and anger toward just about everyone in my life.
And here's the deal...it all happened in my mind! It only took about two weeks for the enemy to have planted enough seeds that I was headlong going down a path I would never have dreamed just weeks earlier! You see, the enemy is out to steal, kill and destroy! He knows that we are walking into our promised land, and he has thrown some HUGE punches in order to keep us in the wilderness a bit longer. But I have a choice just like the Israelites did. I can look at my promised land and see giants or I can look at my promised land and see a land already won and paid for by my Savior waiting for me to inhabit and trust Him to fight the giants and provide in whatever way I need to walk right on the land with the enemy under my foot!
As only a personal and loving God can, the morning of the day I would have this revelation, I was looking through some notes and went to a scripture that really had nothing to do with any of this. But I started reading around it and God spoke right to my circumstances! In Mark 10, Peter is basically whining to God that they have left "everything" for Him. Jesus replies, "Truly I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or farms, for My sake and for the gospel's sake, but that he will receive a hundred times as much now in the present age, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and farms." I am sure I have read that scripture a million times, but I have never seen that part where God assures Peter that there is a reward in this "present age" for giving it all and following God! But God didn't take it from them, they gave it. A choice. And in return, God promises 100 times as much as we give back in this present age! Not for when we get to heaven...there are rewards there too, but we are not to live life on this earth struggling and barely making it into the gates of heaven battered and weary from the sacrifices of a Christian life! We are to live victoriously! And now is a good time to say, I have told God there is no need to reward me with 100 times as many grand-kids for this choice to serve! Ha! And the verse does go on to say that we will be persecuted also for giving up what we have for God. So it will not always be rainbows and roses, but there will be promises of provision and sustaining blessings when we choose!
That should be the end. But my brain is very logical and analytical. And when I think about the "choice" to take my grand-babies or not take them, it is still really hard for me to see a choice. I am still wrestling with God a bit with this, so I can't tell you I have the answer, but this I know. I gave my life to Christ. I agreed to be his bond-servant. Without the sacrifice He made for me, I would be a slave to my sin, and for the freedom He has given me from my sin nature (when I choose to walk in that freedom, I might add), I owe him my life! Not just a neat prayer that says I know He was born, died and rose again, but my life! My every day, wake up, go to sleep, and what I do in-between that life. That was the first choice...to make Him Lord. Then every day I have choices to keep Him Lord. Some are small, like am I going to eat the cookie even though I know I am looking to food for comfort rather than Jesus, and some are huge, like will I choose to be a vessel of redemption for a generation?
That day in the car, God said, "You don't have to do this. And I understand if you say no. It's a hard journey I have asked you to take. It requires sacrifice not just from you and John but from your kids as well. It will require financial, emotional and physical sacrifice that at times will stretch you to new limits of fatigue, exhaustion and weariness on every front. The choice is yours. But in return you will have My blessings. You will have My protection. In return you will be the instrument of redemption and freedom in a generation of two lineages of bondage. But the choice is yours."
Sigh. I don't know what it would look like if we said no to the babies. But I do know that because they are here, the enemy will be defeated with the plans he has for their lives! I do know that the plans God has for an abundant life, for a hope and a future that is good for them will come to be because they are in our home. And that's the choice I have. Do I choose God?
And with that realization that I have chosen God, and chosen life for these innocent lives, I see them in a totally different way! They go from being a burden and a sacrifice to being what they are....innocent lives in desperate need of God's grace and the love of a family with the safety physically, emotionally and spiritually that a family provides. And that makes the endless screaming because they don't know how to be comforted easier to bear. It makes the third feeding in a night when I can barely open my eyes a joy to do. And with that choice, the battle is done! God won! The enemy is placed under my feet where He belongs. I will take up my cross and follow my Savior, I will choose this day to serve God and make Him Lord of my home...and that home includes two precious babies 11 months apart who call us Mimi and Grumps!
I share this only because I know there are so many others out there who are struggling with the subtle lies that the enemy has planted over time. You are sinking into a deep pit. And a choice to follow God and do something He asked you to do might have been what you think started you into the pit, but that is the first lie that like me, you believed! I want you to know that if you will just ask God, he will reveal the lies! He will show you how to get out of the pit! For me, praise and worship is huge! When I am in the pit of despair, I don't always get much from reading the Bible...just being transparent here...but if I put on some worship music (I usually use Youtube when I am in a bad place because not only do I hear worship, I see worship with the people singing) it breaks the darkness just enough for me to then begin hearing from God a bit. I am going to put links to some of my favorite worship songs for battle. There is also an amazing message by Bill Johnson on how we give territory to either the enemy or the Holy Spirit in our thought life as well as a blog by Tom Vermillion an amazing author who just happened to be one of our pastors and the man who I credit with dispelling my traditional thinking on spiritual warfare and showing me the truth to equip myself for the life God has called me to live! And if you are in the pit of despair, I would count it an honor and privilege to pray for you and stand with you against the enemy. Feel free to email me at hollyann@addyshope.com. You have a choice also! Choose life, choose God! Fight back! You are not alone!
http://www.ibethel.tv/watch/1773/sunday-morning/2013/09/08
There are several posts on the demonic that are great to read if you are new to truths of spiritual warfare! He also has a book called Born to be Free which I would highly recommend!
http://www.tomvermillion.com/09/17/dealing-with-the-demonic-part-1/
Sunday, September 15, 2013
The Move: Some Random Thoughts
I have so many blog posts that I need to write! It's been a rough three weeks! But God has shown Himself. So maybe I will have time to really write out my thoughts soon, but for now, here are some rather random thoughts, interesting items from our time here so far:
- When you start a faith journey, it is very exciting. Walking out the faith journey in the great big middle of the circumstances is hard.
- When the circumstances of your faith walk start to overwhelm you, you want to turn back (I've given myself the nick name Izzy because I sound much like the Israelites lately wanting to go back to Egypt!), but thankful there is a point of no return where you have to either keep walking toward the goal or check out of life altogether.
- Moving with 8 children is INSANE!
- God provides in miraculous ways when you trust him....like the day we had $75 in the checking account, payday was still two weeks away and a bill for $150 was set to pay the next day with no resources to put any more in the checking account. John goes to the mailbox and there is over $600 total from two checks, one we had been expecting, and one over $400 that we had not been...a refund on over payment of a medical bill.
- Trusting God is HARD when you are paying a mortgage and a lease!
- When God calls you as parents to something/somewhere, He calls your kids too which means he prepares them! We have not had ONE SINGLE complaint from any of the kids despite arriving at 1:00 am on the first day of school in a totally new place, adjusting to new schools and new church! My kids and my God ROCK!
- Trying to unpack boxes with 4 children ages 3 and under is INSANE!
- The Body of Christ is amazing.....the first week we were here, three families from a church whose pastor I had been e-mailing came and fed us pizza, helped us unpack, worshiped with us, prayed over our home and breathed life into what was becoming a very depressing situation for me!
- God knows when you are truly crying out in desperation, and He sends help!
- Four kids ages 3 and under means you are pretty well stuck at home until reinforcements arrive.
- It takes exactly 8.3 minutes to load 4 napping toddlers/infant in the car including three trips upstairs!
- The enemy doesn't like it when you are determined to walk into your promised land.
- I have some more maturing to do....I am still not very good at persevering through tough circumstances.
- Part time daycare may be available but it is OUTRAGEOUS!
- If you leave the house right as school lets out, you will cut your wait in the pick up line by at least 15 minutes and as long as you leave with in 5 minutes after school lets out, you will not be the last car in the pick up line.
- I can get anywhere eventually as long as I can find a place for a U-turn - and that's not always easy in Big Momma!
- The "Around Me" app is sometimes as confused as I am (I've ended up in a field and a neighborhood when going to a business according to the app).
There's so much more....but that gives you a small look into our first three weeks here! Hopefully I can sit and really write soon!
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
saying goodbye..
Today I said goodbye to my home. It wasn't a house. It was a home! We have lived there 6 years as of last month. Prior to that, John and I had lived in 8 houses in 9 years of marriage! Don't ask...and it was not my idea! But yesterday I said goodbye to this place
When we moved in, we had three children: Callie 6, Noah 5 and Ava 1. While living here, we would bring home five children and then two grand children! The amount of life we did in this house could never have been dreamed when we walked through that front door 6 years ago!
I have spent many hours sitting at this spot, looking out these windows, studying God's Word and then praying it back to Him. I have pleaded for children to come home, pleaded for children to stay home, pleaded for the safe arrival of my unborn child and pleaded for the return of my wayward child while looking out these windows. I have watched the hand prints move up as little ones have become young people only to have the little hands replaced by those coming behind them. I paced back and forth in front of these windows asking God why children were stuck in Liberia and then listening for the directions of my part in the fight to free them.
And the kitchen! It was proof of God's love! Now I leave it. If I am honest, I will tell you I struggle with that. I am not sure of that piece of the puzzle yet. But I choose to believe He wouldn't remove the token of His love for me without providing something amazing in it's place! But really, isn't it beautiful! Truly a dream come true...a provision for then and for now as it will allow us to make more than before on the sale of our house. A work of heart for John. The hours, sweat, and even probably some tears that went into making it what it is now are forever written on my heart.
And the pool! The hours of time spent bonding as a family in this place made a pool a must in our new house! The laughs and incredible moments we have spent as a family here are too numerous to even count! It's what we all love! It's what a large family ranging in age from 18-0 can afford to do and all enjoy. The times John and I sat on the porch and struggled through the reality of some of the seasons in this home. The late night swims to just relax after kids went to bed.....yes, we've lived a lot of life in this place!
This story is still being written. We don't have a buyer for our house. We are moving forward in faith trusting God to provide! We had to split our family to move. As I am typing I am sitting in a hotel room while the other four are at school for their first day (I think dropping four kids off at a new school is worse than the first day of kinder!), John is home - see, I typed it without even thinking, he is home- watching the movers load all our possessions into a truck. He has the four babies with him. Yes, he is an amazing man! Four babies three and under! We will not be reunited until Thursday when once again my entire family....minus one of course, another story still being written... will be under one roof, a new roof. And we will begin a new chapter. A new chapter that promises to restore what has been taken in some areas of these past years. A chapter that has all of us excited about what is next. Hopefully not 5 more children, your're welcome John, but full of God's blessings to provide, train and grow the children we have. We are so thankful! Thankful for what we have to leave behind and thankful for the hope we have for what we are leaving to!
When we moved in, we had three children: Callie 6, Noah 5 and Ava 1. While living here, we would bring home five children and then two grand children! The amount of life we did in this house could never have been dreamed when we walked through that front door 6 years ago!
I have spent many hours sitting at this spot, looking out these windows, studying God's Word and then praying it back to Him. I have pleaded for children to come home, pleaded for children to stay home, pleaded for the safe arrival of my unborn child and pleaded for the return of my wayward child while looking out these windows. I have watched the hand prints move up as little ones have become young people only to have the little hands replaced by those coming behind them. I paced back and forth in front of these windows asking God why children were stuck in Liberia and then listening for the directions of my part in the fight to free them.
This table in this room has been the place of too many celebrations to count~ birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, the list goes on! It was at this table that Paizley left the foster system forever as we signed her adoptive placement papers on Christmas Eve. This table was where I worked our budget over and over to find the formula that would provide within the blessings God had provided us. It's where the Addy's Hope board met many times to plan and dream and pull off all that they have accomplished over the past 6 years! One of my most favorite memories in this room is right after Toben came home we had a joint birthday for him and Callie. We were saying the prayer before we ate, and I looked down to see Toben's and Ava's tiny fingers intertwined during the prayer. My dream had come true! There before me were the white and black fingers of my children, together!
As I opened these blinds one last time, I was taken back to the early days when we moved in. I was fighting the grips of postpartum depression. I would hold my baby girl in her beautiful nursery with the words "A baby is God's promise that life will go on" written above the windows as I opened each blind. As the light of the day flooded the room, I would say, "Hello world! Today the light of Jesus will flood this darkness in me just like the light of these windows flood this room!" Years later, these walls would welcome our dear Madison. Though we thought it might just be temporary, now she is forever ours!
And the pool! The hours of time spent bonding as a family in this place made a pool a must in our new house! The laughs and incredible moments we have spent as a family here are too numerous to even count! It's what we all love! It's what a large family ranging in age from 18-0 can afford to do and all enjoy. The times John and I sat on the porch and struggled through the reality of some of the seasons in this home. The late night swims to just relax after kids went to bed.....yes, we've lived a lot of life in this place!
This story is still being written. We don't have a buyer for our house. We are moving forward in faith trusting God to provide! We had to split our family to move. As I am typing I am sitting in a hotel room while the other four are at school for their first day (I think dropping four kids off at a new school is worse than the first day of kinder!), John is home - see, I typed it without even thinking, he is home- watching the movers load all our possessions into a truck. He has the four babies with him. Yes, he is an amazing man! Four babies three and under! We will not be reunited until Thursday when once again my entire family....minus one of course, another story still being written... will be under one roof, a new roof. And we will begin a new chapter. A new chapter that promises to restore what has been taken in some areas of these past years. A chapter that has all of us excited about what is next. Hopefully not 5 more children, your're welcome John, but full of God's blessings to provide, train and grow the children we have. We are so thankful! Thankful for what we have to leave behind and thankful for the hope we have for what we are leaving to!
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Just a little update on the move....
We are 4 days away from leaving the house we've called home for 6 years! The past two weeks have been rough! The reality of leaving friends that have been family for the past years. John and I do not have a lot of "social" friends as we have led kind of a secluded life the past few years with all the kids coming home, but we have tons of friends who we "do life" with! Friends who will help us out in a pinch, be a shoulder to cry on when we are hurting, put us back in line when we fall out! Each day brings a new good-bye. That has been extremely difficult.
Then there's the whole house situation. Our buyers did not get a buyer for their house, so as of yesterday, our house is back on market as active and no longer under contract. We have prayed, asked friends to pray - we even went to the open house at our buyer's house and prayer walked the place asking God to provide a buyer and releasing His favor of the house and the entire situation. Still no buyer.
I don't understand it. I have been frustrated about it, angry with God about it, discouraged at times about it. However, there is still that faith inside of me that believes in the end it will all work for our good. I find the scriptures God has given me for the journey popping up in my mind at the times when all hope seems lost, and the flicker returns. It has been hard. I have had my moments of wishing we had never started the journey and were back the comfortable flow of life before this faith walk began. But then I read my journal and remember the promises of God. I remember why He said we started the journey in the first place. And the flicker grows a little.
Yesterday should have been a pretty rough day, and honestly, I was dreading it. The days before I had to really struggle to not let my thoughts and my emotions get the best of me. But yesterday despite the news that there was no buyer and the contract would end, I had a feeling of excitement inside. I wasn't discouraged, a little frustrated, definitely wondering why God couldn't have let that work, but not down. I found myself saying things like, "Let's see what God will do now! It's an opportunity for Him to work an even bigger miracle!" I remembered the versus that started this journey..faith is being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see! Once again, the circumstances look pretty bleak! However, my faith says God is still on His throne and God's word promises in Hebrews 11:6 that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him. We've done the, "what if" game! "What if we hadn't taken that contract? What if we hadn't decided to lease the other house?" But then we remember that we haven't taken a single step in this journey without waiting on a clear and direct answer from Him. So that means, there will be reward! His Word promises it! So I am standing on those truths, excitedly expectant for what will happen!
In the mean time, we are trying to move out the boxes to get the house ready for that first showing! Packing like crazy people while trying to tie up lose ends like doctor's appointments, etc. We have leased the house we are moving to, but it will not be ready until the 29th! So the oldest four and I are going to leave Monday and stay in a hotel so they can start school on the first day. Not how I had things planned, and definitely not how I wanted things to go, but trusting that God is good and He has a plan that is for my good! Even in the chaos there are provisions...like John has enough hotel points to pay for our hotel for all three nights. My parents are traveling up with us to help us move in and are bringing the two dogs with them. Is it how I would do it all? No! I would have the movie moment where we all stand in the front yard, shut the front door for the last time and drive off into our future. But since God holds my future, I'm ok doing it His way without the movie ending because His Word promises His way is more than I could have ever hoped or imagined and I am counting on that!
Then there's the whole house situation. Our buyers did not get a buyer for their house, so as of yesterday, our house is back on market as active and no longer under contract. We have prayed, asked friends to pray - we even went to the open house at our buyer's house and prayer walked the place asking God to provide a buyer and releasing His favor of the house and the entire situation. Still no buyer.
I don't understand it. I have been frustrated about it, angry with God about it, discouraged at times about it. However, there is still that faith inside of me that believes in the end it will all work for our good. I find the scriptures God has given me for the journey popping up in my mind at the times when all hope seems lost, and the flicker returns. It has been hard. I have had my moments of wishing we had never started the journey and were back the comfortable flow of life before this faith walk began. But then I read my journal and remember the promises of God. I remember why He said we started the journey in the first place. And the flicker grows a little.
Yesterday should have been a pretty rough day, and honestly, I was dreading it. The days before I had to really struggle to not let my thoughts and my emotions get the best of me. But yesterday despite the news that there was no buyer and the contract would end, I had a feeling of excitement inside. I wasn't discouraged, a little frustrated, definitely wondering why God couldn't have let that work, but not down. I found myself saying things like, "Let's see what God will do now! It's an opportunity for Him to work an even bigger miracle!" I remembered the versus that started this journey..faith is being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see! Once again, the circumstances look pretty bleak! However, my faith says God is still on His throne and God's word promises in Hebrews 11:6 that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him. We've done the, "what if" game! "What if we hadn't taken that contract? What if we hadn't decided to lease the other house?" But then we remember that we haven't taken a single step in this journey without waiting on a clear and direct answer from Him. So that means, there will be reward! His Word promises it! So I am standing on those truths, excitedly expectant for what will happen!
In the mean time, we are trying to move out the boxes to get the house ready for that first showing! Packing like crazy people while trying to tie up lose ends like doctor's appointments, etc. We have leased the house we are moving to, but it will not be ready until the 29th! So the oldest four and I are going to leave Monday and stay in a hotel so they can start school on the first day. Not how I had things planned, and definitely not how I wanted things to go, but trusting that God is good and He has a plan that is for my good! Even in the chaos there are provisions...like John has enough hotel points to pay for our hotel for all three nights. My parents are traveling up with us to help us move in and are bringing the two dogs with them. Is it how I would do it all? No! I would have the movie moment where we all stand in the front yard, shut the front door for the last time and drive off into our future. But since God holds my future, I'm ok doing it His way without the movie ending because His Word promises His way is more than I could have ever hoped or imagined and I am counting on that!
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
The Struggle and the Lie
God always challenges me to share my journeys openly...all of my journey! He reminds me that I don't need to just share the great moments of seeing how it all fits together, but also the wrestling and the struggles that get me to the moments of revelation. So in true transparency, I will share my journey over the past few days with you.
There is a phrase I often hear when people talk about the challenges they face when saying "yes" to God in any area. You will often hear people talk of "new level, new devil". I too have said this in my ignorance of spiritual warfare and the reality of our enemy. I heard it again just a few days ago, and the hair on the back of my neck came up! That phrase indicates that the devil has the ability to grow or to gain new insight into us. That is simply a lie from the pit of hell! The devil has no new schemes other than those used from the beginning of time. And the truth is when we grow and mature in our relationship with Christ, the enemy loses power! Now am I saying that when we say yes to a step of obedience in answer to a call of God that the enemy doesn't try to overtake us or discourage us to the point of giving up, absolutely not! He in fact does just that. And that's where my journey the past few days has been.
For about a week, I could feel the cloud moving in. It started with the phrase "you have too many kids" playing over and over in my head. This is what had been used in court when we were seeking custody of our grandkids. The enemy has used that phrase to attempt to reek havoc on my confidence and abilities to do what I know without a doubt God called and ordained! As is his character, the enemy was very sneaky with the attacks at first. We have started packing for the move. I used to be an avid scrapbooker! Callie has four books for her first two years, and Noah has three. That's where it stops...no one else even has a baby book! As I was packing my scrapbook supplies, the voices started in: "You will never record all the memories of your kids, you have too many kids!" "You will never get to do anything you enjoy ever again." "A good mother would have baby books for all of their kids, you obviously have too many." For whatever reason, I didn't immediately recognize the thoughts for what they were - attacks from the enemy - and I entertained a couple of those thoughts a little too long. They had taken root. Over the next few days, I became increasingly discouraged, overwhelmed and increasingly hopeless. I looked at circumstances and felt like I couldn't possibly handle all that was on my plate. Then I started eating everything in sight! I might not even be hungry or want anything, but I would find myself eating anyway! That is truly what woke me up to what was happening! I remembered a teaching on spiritual warfare that said something to the effect of when you find yourself doing things that you feel like you can't control, it's a good indicator that you are under attack! That is how the enemy works, he makes us feel like we don't have a say in what we are doing! I started having three and four nightmares a night. I can't even tell you the last time I had a nightmare before this week! I knew the enemy had moved in, so I grabbed some tools, one of which was Spirit Wars by Kris Vallatton. I didn't read more than a page before I had what I needed to combat the enemy! Kris writes:
"The devil and his demons no longer have the right to torment believers. But they are lawless criminals of the spiritual realm. They will break God's laws whenever and wherever they see a lack of authority. Like the city of New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, where thousands of looters ravaged people's homes in the absence of officers policing the streets, demonic spirits will illegally ravage the lives of people in the vacuum of true spiritual authority. Ignorant Christians create powerless cultures, resulting in the world experiencing an unrestrained devil."
Wow! It was exactly what I had done...I had let the demonic ravage my thoughts! In the state of physical exhaustion and mental fatigue, I had not been in the Word every day like normal. The enemy had seen his opening and rushed in! In essence, I had an unrestrained devil in my mind! However, I am no longer an ignorant Christian! I immediately put the book down and asked God to reveal what had given the enemy access to my mind and my actions in such a powerful way. There is usually an area of sin that the enemy enters in through...not always, but I knew there had to be more than just random thoughts for me to find myself as deep in oppression as I felt. God revealed where the door had been opened. I immediately repented, and served the devil his eviction notice! He no longer had any power or authority over me and he had to leave...immediately!
In the few days since I evicted him, the thoughts have come back...but I am aware, recognize them for what they are, and dismiss them! I don't entertain them. I remind myself of truths like I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength or the power that raised Christ from the grave is the same power I possess with in me. I reminded myself when I resist the devil, he will flee! The lies of the enemy can't hold up to the Truth of the Word, and the lies flee! That's why the "New level, new devil" statement is such a lie! The enemy wants us to believe it! If we know we are walking into a battle, we are much less likely to walk! The enemy had me in a place where I was even discouraged about our move. I was dreading everything about it! If I could've backed out of it, I would have! If I had continued to entertain his thoughts, I could see myself saying no to many things like the babies or Addy's Hope simply because I don't want a battle. But all it took to end the battle was replacing lies with the Truth! It wasn't a one time thing...it's a daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes minute by minute deal! But all it takes is replacing lies with the truth! There's no new devil! Just the same old, non-inventive lying, stealing, cheating devil! The "new" is my awareness of him and my ability to shut him up! I am no longer ignorant of his schemes! I recognize them and shut them down before he has the ability to change my course!
There is a new level...a new level of maturity and awareness that allows me to defeat the enemy and crush him under my feet where he belongs! The enemy never gains power in a believer's life who is growing in relationship with God! The closer we grow to God the more the enemy is exposed for the lying and cheating thief that he is! So if you are starting a new adventure or taking a step of obedience and begin to feel the attacks, do not accept them as "normal" or what just happens when you live for God! Take the enemy down at the knees, and put him under your foot where he belongs! We Christians need to live in the authority that is ours to shut him up and quit accepting battles because we "expect" them! Yes, the battles will come. But you have all power and authority over this earth to stop the battles....USE IT! And I will do the same!
There is a phrase I often hear when people talk about the challenges they face when saying "yes" to God in any area. You will often hear people talk of "new level, new devil". I too have said this in my ignorance of spiritual warfare and the reality of our enemy. I heard it again just a few days ago, and the hair on the back of my neck came up! That phrase indicates that the devil has the ability to grow or to gain new insight into us. That is simply a lie from the pit of hell! The devil has no new schemes other than those used from the beginning of time. And the truth is when we grow and mature in our relationship with Christ, the enemy loses power! Now am I saying that when we say yes to a step of obedience in answer to a call of God that the enemy doesn't try to overtake us or discourage us to the point of giving up, absolutely not! He in fact does just that. And that's where my journey the past few days has been.
For about a week, I could feel the cloud moving in. It started with the phrase "you have too many kids" playing over and over in my head. This is what had been used in court when we were seeking custody of our grandkids. The enemy has used that phrase to attempt to reek havoc on my confidence and abilities to do what I know without a doubt God called and ordained! As is his character, the enemy was very sneaky with the attacks at first. We have started packing for the move. I used to be an avid scrapbooker! Callie has four books for her first two years, and Noah has three. That's where it stops...no one else even has a baby book! As I was packing my scrapbook supplies, the voices started in: "You will never record all the memories of your kids, you have too many kids!" "You will never get to do anything you enjoy ever again." "A good mother would have baby books for all of their kids, you obviously have too many." For whatever reason, I didn't immediately recognize the thoughts for what they were - attacks from the enemy - and I entertained a couple of those thoughts a little too long. They had taken root. Over the next few days, I became increasingly discouraged, overwhelmed and increasingly hopeless. I looked at circumstances and felt like I couldn't possibly handle all that was on my plate. Then I started eating everything in sight! I might not even be hungry or want anything, but I would find myself eating anyway! That is truly what woke me up to what was happening! I remembered a teaching on spiritual warfare that said something to the effect of when you find yourself doing things that you feel like you can't control, it's a good indicator that you are under attack! That is how the enemy works, he makes us feel like we don't have a say in what we are doing! I started having three and four nightmares a night. I can't even tell you the last time I had a nightmare before this week! I knew the enemy had moved in, so I grabbed some tools, one of which was Spirit Wars by Kris Vallatton. I didn't read more than a page before I had what I needed to combat the enemy! Kris writes:
"The devil and his demons no longer have the right to torment believers. But they are lawless criminals of the spiritual realm. They will break God's laws whenever and wherever they see a lack of authority. Like the city of New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, where thousands of looters ravaged people's homes in the absence of officers policing the streets, demonic spirits will illegally ravage the lives of people in the vacuum of true spiritual authority. Ignorant Christians create powerless cultures, resulting in the world experiencing an unrestrained devil."
Wow! It was exactly what I had done...I had let the demonic ravage my thoughts! In the state of physical exhaustion and mental fatigue, I had not been in the Word every day like normal. The enemy had seen his opening and rushed in! In essence, I had an unrestrained devil in my mind! However, I am no longer an ignorant Christian! I immediately put the book down and asked God to reveal what had given the enemy access to my mind and my actions in such a powerful way. There is usually an area of sin that the enemy enters in through...not always, but I knew there had to be more than just random thoughts for me to find myself as deep in oppression as I felt. God revealed where the door had been opened. I immediately repented, and served the devil his eviction notice! He no longer had any power or authority over me and he had to leave...immediately!
In the few days since I evicted him, the thoughts have come back...but I am aware, recognize them for what they are, and dismiss them! I don't entertain them. I remind myself of truths like I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength or the power that raised Christ from the grave is the same power I possess with in me. I reminded myself when I resist the devil, he will flee! The lies of the enemy can't hold up to the Truth of the Word, and the lies flee! That's why the "New level, new devil" statement is such a lie! The enemy wants us to believe it! If we know we are walking into a battle, we are much less likely to walk! The enemy had me in a place where I was even discouraged about our move. I was dreading everything about it! If I could've backed out of it, I would have! If I had continued to entertain his thoughts, I could see myself saying no to many things like the babies or Addy's Hope simply because I don't want a battle. But all it took to end the battle was replacing lies with the Truth! It wasn't a one time thing...it's a daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes minute by minute deal! But all it takes is replacing lies with the truth! There's no new devil! Just the same old, non-inventive lying, stealing, cheating devil! The "new" is my awareness of him and my ability to shut him up! I am no longer ignorant of his schemes! I recognize them and shut them down before he has the ability to change my course!
There is a new level...a new level of maturity and awareness that allows me to defeat the enemy and crush him under my feet where he belongs! The enemy never gains power in a believer's life who is growing in relationship with God! The closer we grow to God the more the enemy is exposed for the lying and cheating thief that he is! So if you are starting a new adventure or taking a step of obedience and begin to feel the attacks, do not accept them as "normal" or what just happens when you live for God! Take the enemy down at the knees, and put him under your foot where he belongs! We Christians need to live in the authority that is ours to shut him up and quit accepting battles because we "expect" them! Yes, the battles will come. But you have all power and authority over this earth to stop the battles....USE IT! And I will do the same!
Thursday, August 1, 2013
The Move: A Few More Pieces
It's fun to now be able to take you guys on this journey with me! Moving has so many details that need to align just right in order for it to work out! This week God has shown again that He will meet our every need and faithfully provide the next step when it's time to take it.
The offer on our house in Ft. Worth was accepted and all parties have signed. We had received a contingency offer on our house in Midland. Midland has a crazy housing market right now...like houses sell in days, not weeks, and often for more than they were asking. We have a severe housing shortage. So many times, contingency offers are not accepted. We have always had to make contingency offers, but in a market like this, people usually want offers that are ready to move on it. So when we got the contingency offer, we were not sure what to do. We didn't mind taking it at all...the price offered was great, but the timing of having a contingency would mean we wouldn't be there in time for school to start for the kids. We had already asked if we can rent the house for whatever time needed to be there from the time school starts until we close...still waiting to get our "Yes!" on that one. So there was already sort of a plan in place for a little later closing. Our Realtor was not crazy about a contingency because she knows the market and felt we could get a non-contingent offer. John and I both went to prayer. The thing about walking through this move is that we have not made any decision until God spoke! We had clear direction before we did anything on this journey. So when it came to accepting or declining the offer, we really couldn't settle for gut feelings, the advice of others, or what the market says, we wanted to hear God's voice! Two days we prayed, listened, asked....I even sat for an extended time one of those mornings just sitting....waiting....listening so God could answer. Nothing. But not only was there not an answer, there was no anxiety! Can I get a hallelujah a "I might have actually matured a little in the "trust Me" category" - hallelujah?! On the morning of the day our Realtor had told the family with the offer on our house we would give them an answer, God answered. Right on time. Never early, never late, right on His time! During my quiet time when I was simply praying..not necessarily about the house, just having my morning coffee with God, I heard, "move forward". One of the frustrations with having to show the house has been not being able to pack because there is nowhere to put boxes if we are going to keep things neat and tidy! Accepting the offer means our house will show very little if at all, and we can start packing boxes! It means the buyers will move forward as if their house will sell getting things done such as appraisals, inspections, etc that can hold up a closing. It would all be moving forward if we accepted the contingency. I didn't share any of this with John. We had zero showings that day. You know, you kind of have to show the house to sell the house! On his way home from work right before we were to meet our Realtor to discuss options, John was feeling a bit anxious about not having any showings. Then God stepped in and showed Him the answer too! "Why do you need showings? Your house is sold." Once again God was so faithful to tell us both separately what the next step is! But He wasn't just telling us...we sat down to meet with our Realtor. She had told us the day before that taking the contingency in this market really was not advisable. But one of the things we love about our Realtor - who is also a dear friend - is that she is a Godly woman! We sat down to talk and she shares that in her time that morning, she had thought, "Taking this offer makes no sense, but this is the Petrees and nothing they do makes sense!" Ha! I love it! And it's so true! She went on to say that she felt maybe this family was supposed to get our house...we have been praying that our house would be a blessing to whomever was to buy it. So she just confirmed what God had already spoken to both John and I, so we accepted the offer! Now we are waiting to hear of the sell of their house! That did bring a bit of anxiety to me when I thought of that right after God said to accept the offer. God responded to that anxiety with a statement something like this, "Have you really not learned that I can take care of things like that by now?!" To which I responded, "Yes, Sir!"
But the pieces don't stop there! I may just have to stand on my rooftop literally and shout how faithful and good my God is before this is all done! The Word God gave me back in April 2012 about the new job said that it would allow John to be the husband and father he needed to be instead of making him choose and competing for those roles. When they offered John the job, one of the things that we loved immediately were the hours. He will get home an hour earlier than he does now! Scheduling the drop off and pick up of kids from school while working around babies I don't want to wake and naps, etc has been one of my biggest struggles! The time right after school when everyone is home, needing help with homework and I am trying to get dinner on the table is extremely stressful! Well, no more! We got on-line to look at the kids' schools! Their schedules fit perfectly with John's! The elementary starts at 7:45 and releases at 2:45. So I can drop them off while leaving the babies asleep because the big kids will still be home...they don't start school until 9:20! By then babies will be awake, and it will be no big deal to get them in the car to take the big kids! I will pick up the elementary kids and have their home work done before the big kids come home! And John will get off just in time to get to the middle school to pick up the big kids, so I only have to get out once in the afternoon! Anyone who says God isn't into the details hasn't lived a life with 8 kids! He cares about it all!
There are still some things to be worked out, like renting the house to be there when school starts, all the inspections, etc that have to be done on both houses, the sell of our buyer's house, etc, etc. But God has it! I'm not anxious....just waiting with great anticipation to see how He answers each one of these! Because He will!
The offer on our house in Ft. Worth was accepted and all parties have signed. We had received a contingency offer on our house in Midland. Midland has a crazy housing market right now...like houses sell in days, not weeks, and often for more than they were asking. We have a severe housing shortage. So many times, contingency offers are not accepted. We have always had to make contingency offers, but in a market like this, people usually want offers that are ready to move on it. So when we got the contingency offer, we were not sure what to do. We didn't mind taking it at all...the price offered was great, but the timing of having a contingency would mean we wouldn't be there in time for school to start for the kids. We had already asked if we can rent the house for whatever time needed to be there from the time school starts until we close...still waiting to get our "Yes!" on that one. So there was already sort of a plan in place for a little later closing. Our Realtor was not crazy about a contingency because she knows the market and felt we could get a non-contingent offer. John and I both went to prayer. The thing about walking through this move is that we have not made any decision until God spoke! We had clear direction before we did anything on this journey. So when it came to accepting or declining the offer, we really couldn't settle for gut feelings, the advice of others, or what the market says, we wanted to hear God's voice! Two days we prayed, listened, asked....I even sat for an extended time one of those mornings just sitting....waiting....listening so God could answer. Nothing. But not only was there not an answer, there was no anxiety! Can I get a hallelujah a "I might have actually matured a little in the "trust Me" category" - hallelujah?! On the morning of the day our Realtor had told the family with the offer on our house we would give them an answer, God answered. Right on time. Never early, never late, right on His time! During my quiet time when I was simply praying..not necessarily about the house, just having my morning coffee with God, I heard, "move forward". One of the frustrations with having to show the house has been not being able to pack because there is nowhere to put boxes if we are going to keep things neat and tidy! Accepting the offer means our house will show very little if at all, and we can start packing boxes! It means the buyers will move forward as if their house will sell getting things done such as appraisals, inspections, etc that can hold up a closing. It would all be moving forward if we accepted the contingency. I didn't share any of this with John. We had zero showings that day. You know, you kind of have to show the house to sell the house! On his way home from work right before we were to meet our Realtor to discuss options, John was feeling a bit anxious about not having any showings. Then God stepped in and showed Him the answer too! "Why do you need showings? Your house is sold." Once again God was so faithful to tell us both separately what the next step is! But He wasn't just telling us...we sat down to meet with our Realtor. She had told us the day before that taking the contingency in this market really was not advisable. But one of the things we love about our Realtor - who is also a dear friend - is that she is a Godly woman! We sat down to talk and she shares that in her time that morning, she had thought, "Taking this offer makes no sense, but this is the Petrees and nothing they do makes sense!" Ha! I love it! And it's so true! She went on to say that she felt maybe this family was supposed to get our house...we have been praying that our house would be a blessing to whomever was to buy it. So she just confirmed what God had already spoken to both John and I, so we accepted the offer! Now we are waiting to hear of the sell of their house! That did bring a bit of anxiety to me when I thought of that right after God said to accept the offer. God responded to that anxiety with a statement something like this, "Have you really not learned that I can take care of things like that by now?!" To which I responded, "Yes, Sir!"
But the pieces don't stop there! I may just have to stand on my rooftop literally and shout how faithful and good my God is before this is all done! The Word God gave me back in April 2012 about the new job said that it would allow John to be the husband and father he needed to be instead of making him choose and competing for those roles. When they offered John the job, one of the things that we loved immediately were the hours. He will get home an hour earlier than he does now! Scheduling the drop off and pick up of kids from school while working around babies I don't want to wake and naps, etc has been one of my biggest struggles! The time right after school when everyone is home, needing help with homework and I am trying to get dinner on the table is extremely stressful! Well, no more! We got on-line to look at the kids' schools! Their schedules fit perfectly with John's! The elementary starts at 7:45 and releases at 2:45. So I can drop them off while leaving the babies asleep because the big kids will still be home...they don't start school until 9:20! By then babies will be awake, and it will be no big deal to get them in the car to take the big kids! I will pick up the elementary kids and have their home work done before the big kids come home! And John will get off just in time to get to the middle school to pick up the big kids, so I only have to get out once in the afternoon! Anyone who says God isn't into the details hasn't lived a life with 8 kids! He cares about it all!
There are still some things to be worked out, like renting the house to be there when school starts, all the inspections, etc that have to be done on both houses, the sell of our buyer's house, etc, etc. But God has it! I'm not anxious....just waiting with great anticipation to see how He answers each one of these! Because He will!
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