Christmas has always made me reflect on Mary with admiration and wonder. As an unmarried young woman in her 20's I always wondered what it would be like to have been Mary. Unmarried, virgin, visited by an angel and told that you would give birth to the Savior or the World while remaining a virgin! The Holy Spirit himself would create a child within your womb. That initial news must have been so amazing! God chose her out of all the women in the world! An angel came and visited her! She was going to be the mother of a baby who would save the world! There had to be some joy and amazing awe that God himself would choose you to be the mother of His Son! And her response is with all the humility, obedience and respect that I pray I would answer God with at any request He asked of me, "I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be as you have said."
I have spent three Christmases now in one stage or another of pregnancy. Again, I would reflect on Mary and how amazing that first Christmas must have been as God was made man and came to earth! Stars showed the way to him. Men bowed before him. But I would imagine, to Mary, he was still just her baby boy!
Who wouldn't say yes to a precious baby? I mean, in that moment when the angel came, I would imagine that Mary was overwhelmed with thankfulness for the opportunity to be "the one"! As Christmas approaches this year, I again find myself reflecting on Mary. But in a new way now. I don't think about the Mary who stood in awe and appreciation before the angel and accepted the honor of being the mother of Jesus or the Mary who gazed lovingly into the eyes of her newborn baby boy. Instead, I think of the Mary who stood before Joseph trying to convince him that she truly had been visited by an angel and was still a virgin even though she is pregnant. I think of the Mary who was quite possibly excommunicated from her family and her church. I think about the Mary who rode on a donkey in the last stages of pregnancy. I think of the Mary who had to deliver her baby in a stable while next door to an Inn that had rooms filled with people who God had provided "adequate" shelter for that night. I think about the Mary who frantically looked for her 12 year old son only to find him back at the temple. And I think of the Mary who watched as her son was beaten and then hung on the cross.
This season of life has been by far the hardest I have ever walked. Hard because of the emotional, physical, financial and spiritual demands. Hard because life doesn't look in just about any way how I had imagined it. There is really nothing in this season that is easy or going how I would hope it would go. And then hard because all that is making life really hard are the things God called me to do. Life is hard because I said yes!
John took me to an amazing Christmas concert with Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith. It was the first time I had been able to really sit and enjoy Christmas like I long to do! This truly is the most wonderful time of the year! Even before I was married, Breath of Heaven had become one of my all time favorite Christmas songs. I sang it at many Christmas events and as a Sunday special years ago! As Amy Grant began to sing, I really listened to the words in a new light!
" I have traveled many moonless night, cold and weary....and I wonder what I've done!" As soon as I heard those words, I had a burning desire to have coffee with Mary! I would love to sit down with her and talk about all she thought and felt through the entire process! Surely, the confident affirmative response to the angel at some point gave way to doubt and fear as the reality of what her "yes" had meant!
"I am waiting in a silent prayer, I am frightened by the load I bear...must I walk this path alone?" When the magnitude of what she had committed to became reality, did Mary buckle under fear and loneliness? As I head those words, I thought back to just a few nights before as I sat crying out to God as I was overwhelmed with all that life requires right now as mother to 9, wife to 1 and advocate for thousands. Did Mary feel this way? Did she even regret her "yes" on some days?
"Do you wonder as you watch my face, if a wiser one should have had my place?" That has been my heart's cry for weeks now! God, truly you have over estimated me! Oh God, surely there was someone more qualified to parent these children, to be wife to this man! Surely someone with fewer kids should be the one advocating for the thousands! Surely, God, someone wiser, and more energetic, and more organized, and more......should be doing this! Did Mary really feel that way too? At any point did she look to heaven and ask, "would a loving God ask me to bear this much hurt?" If she had known the path that her "yes" took her down, would she have said yes that day the angel visited? Maybe it's just to make me feel less alone in my weakness, but I think maybe she had days, or moments at least, where she wondered why she said yes! In the moments of loneliness, rejection and sorrow, I like to think that as a human, Mary did waiver in her resolve to carry out this plan God had for her. I like to think that because it makes me feel less alone in my days of doubt. When I have had days of battles with children who have no impulse control and days of trying to console babies who don't want to be consoled because they have already learned how to "do it alone" and days of wondering if there will ever be time to pour into a marriage that has felt the effects of adding 5 kids in three years. Oh how I wish I could sit down with Mary and ask her how she did it!
But I think I already know. Just as the song continues, "But I offer all I am, for the mercy of your plan, Help me be strong, help me be, help me......Breath of heaven, hold me together, be forever near me...Breath of heaven lighten my darkness, pour over me Your holiness, for You are holy!" When the "yes" took more than Mary thought she could provide, I am sure she turned back to the Provider who asked her for the "yes" in the first place! She knew the answers to continuing the path she had started on was in the relationship with the One who asked her to take the first step! And deep down, I know the same is true for me! And what better time to press into my Savior than during the time when we celebrate His birth! So as I clean marker off the wall AGAIN, as I fight my own fatigue and weary emotions to console another toddler tantrum during this time, I find a little encouragement in thinking that Mary probably had some of the same feelings, doubts and frustrations....and know that if I could, I would call her up and ask her to go to coffee!
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Friday, November 14, 2014
Adoption Ministry - A Mandate
November is National Adoption Month. I have so many blog posts rattling around in my head that I would love to get out in words this month about adoption, but for today the one that just has to get out is what I heard in a church orphan care leadership meeting yesterday.....
My pastor invited me to go with him to The Keep. It is a new ministry that supports churches who are starting orphan care ministries. They are doing it right! As a foster mother, adoptive mother and adoption professional, I sat amazed as they walked us through the process. They have covered all the bases that many times get left behind. They kept saying you can't just preach the emotional sermon, you have to provide the reality based support to the families who answer the call! YES! YES!!! YES!!!!!!
But one thing that stuck with me more than any other is that they kept saying over and over that orphan care is a mandate! James 1:27 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
They kept asking the pastors in the room, "Do you have a music ministry? Do you have a children's ministry? Do you have a youth ministry?" Of course the answer to all those questions was "yes". But then when asked "do you have an orphan ministry?" the majority did not. The facilitators then boldly asked "why not?!" None of the other ministries are mandated, but orphan care is. They made the point that we must change Church culture!
As I sat working today and reading a profile of a brother and sister both under 8 years old that their case worker e-mailed saying they have staffed (that means selected a forever family for the children) four times, but every time the family backs out after they read the profile. I looked at their faces, and the tears just came. The dam broke!
We have 140,000 children in the USA who are legally free for adoption, but they remain fatherless, orphans! We have over 300,000 churches in the USA...do the math!
I get it! I do! I read the files almost every day. They are terrifying! What am I going to do with the child who gets violent when they get upset? How would that child affect my other children already in the home? Can I tell you how? It will completely mess them up! Our family has been wrecked by adoption! I don't just read the files, I live them daily with my precious children.
With one of our kiddos, it was the attorney, and with another it was the pediatrician. The "professional" who tried to make us see the reality of what we were doing by continuing to go through with the adoption. "Do you know what this might mean for your family?" "Do you know what this might mean for your future?" "Do you understand adoption means you are taking them on as if they were your own?" My answer is always the same....YES! I know what it could mean! Do you know what it means if I say "NO"?! This is a child without a mother! If I am not going to be his/her mother, then who will be?
There are 140,000 children in the USA looking in a mirror tonight as they brush their teeth asking, "Who will be my mother?"
Their files are messy! Their actions are not desirable. But as one of my amazing adoptive mothers I am working with put it, my file is messy too! What if Jesus had read my file knowing how my actions would hurt Him, hurt and tarnish other sons and daughters of his, and so decided I wasn't worth it?
But He didn't! He said I was worth it! We looked at the "files" of our kids, and we said "you are worth it!" And our children in our home now have a culture of adoption! They ask us to adopt more children every time they hear of a child who needs a home! What is a foreign concept to much of my generation, is a natural part of life to the generation coming after me!
They get the mandate.....but the epidemic is spreading in exponential growth....we can't wait for this generation coming to solve the problem! You...me...the Church of today, we have to get the mandate!
God help us if we do not hear the cries of His children! There is something that everyone can do! If you need resources, let me know! Even if adoption is not what you feel called to, do something....anything! If you call yourself a son or daughter of God, then it is your mandate!
My pastor invited me to go with him to The Keep. It is a new ministry that supports churches who are starting orphan care ministries. They are doing it right! As a foster mother, adoptive mother and adoption professional, I sat amazed as they walked us through the process. They have covered all the bases that many times get left behind. They kept saying you can't just preach the emotional sermon, you have to provide the reality based support to the families who answer the call! YES! YES!!! YES!!!!!!
But one thing that stuck with me more than any other is that they kept saying over and over that orphan care is a mandate! James 1:27 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
They kept asking the pastors in the room, "Do you have a music ministry? Do you have a children's ministry? Do you have a youth ministry?" Of course the answer to all those questions was "yes". But then when asked "do you have an orphan ministry?" the majority did not. The facilitators then boldly asked "why not?!" None of the other ministries are mandated, but orphan care is. They made the point that we must change Church culture!
As I sat working today and reading a profile of a brother and sister both under 8 years old that their case worker e-mailed saying they have staffed (that means selected a forever family for the children) four times, but every time the family backs out after they read the profile. I looked at their faces, and the tears just came. The dam broke!
We have 140,000 children in the USA who are legally free for adoption, but they remain fatherless, orphans! We have over 300,000 churches in the USA...do the math!
I get it! I do! I read the files almost every day. They are terrifying! What am I going to do with the child who gets violent when they get upset? How would that child affect my other children already in the home? Can I tell you how? It will completely mess them up! Our family has been wrecked by adoption! I don't just read the files, I live them daily with my precious children.
With one of our kiddos, it was the attorney, and with another it was the pediatrician. The "professional" who tried to make us see the reality of what we were doing by continuing to go through with the adoption. "Do you know what this might mean for your family?" "Do you know what this might mean for your future?" "Do you understand adoption means you are taking them on as if they were your own?" My answer is always the same....YES! I know what it could mean! Do you know what it means if I say "NO"?! This is a child without a mother! If I am not going to be his/her mother, then who will be?
There are 140,000 children in the USA looking in a mirror tonight as they brush their teeth asking, "Who will be my mother?"
Their files are messy! Their actions are not desirable. But as one of my amazing adoptive mothers I am working with put it, my file is messy too! What if Jesus had read my file knowing how my actions would hurt Him, hurt and tarnish other sons and daughters of his, and so decided I wasn't worth it?
But He didn't! He said I was worth it! We looked at the "files" of our kids, and we said "you are worth it!" And our children in our home now have a culture of adoption! They ask us to adopt more children every time they hear of a child who needs a home! What is a foreign concept to much of my generation, is a natural part of life to the generation coming after me!
They get the mandate.....but the epidemic is spreading in exponential growth....we can't wait for this generation coming to solve the problem! You...me...the Church of today, we have to get the mandate!
God help us if we do not hear the cries of His children! There is something that everyone can do! If you need resources, let me know! Even if adoption is not what you feel called to, do something....anything! If you call yourself a son or daughter of God, then it is your mandate!
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
A little Funny...
Because it seems I am always so heavy on here, I decided ot share a little story about my morning with you!
I had five of the kids in the car early this morning because Callie needed to be to school a little early. That meant I needed to be at three campuses, one of which is twenty mintues away and drop everyone off between 7:20 and 8. I sent everyone to the car, ran and jumped in and off we went!
I got Ava and Toben dropped off with out incident. I even managed to get past the crazy crossing guard before she had traffic stopped every direction to wait for a child who was still half a block away and strolling at a pace allowing her to take in every blade of grass and crack in the sidewalk while traffic in all four directions waits and watches....but I digress!
I drive to Madion's pre-school which is at the other elementary in our subdivision. It is about three miles away, but with school traffic patterns, it can be a bit of a nightmare getting her there on time! But this morning we are plenty early! I pull up to the drop off point. Callie turns around to tell Madison goodbye but instead shock and horror come across her face as she yells, "Mom! Did you not know she is in her nightgown?!" I die laughing and explain that this is Red Ribbon Week and today is pajama day, so of course I know she is in her nightgown! What kind of mom would I be to put her in the car and not know she is in her pajamas?! I get out and go around to the other side of Big Momma to get her out. When I open the door I see the nightgown...and the bare feet! "Madison, where are your shoes?", I asked knowing that at one point this morning they were on her feet! "In your room!", comes the sweet reply. Well, I am not the kind of mom who would not notice her child in her pajamas as she loads the car, but evidently I am the mom that fails to notice she is taking a child to school without shoes!
So I calmly close the van door, tell the teacher waiting to take Madison inside that we will return just as soon as we get her shoes, and I get behind the wheel and drive off as the teacher's gaze follows with a very perplexed yet amused look about her.
So in case you have ever ended up at your destination with a barefoot child, you can now know, you are not alone!
Have a terrific Tuesday!
I had five of the kids in the car early this morning because Callie needed to be to school a little early. That meant I needed to be at three campuses, one of which is twenty mintues away and drop everyone off between 7:20 and 8. I sent everyone to the car, ran and jumped in and off we went!
I got Ava and Toben dropped off with out incident. I even managed to get past the crazy crossing guard before she had traffic stopped every direction to wait for a child who was still half a block away and strolling at a pace allowing her to take in every blade of grass and crack in the sidewalk while traffic in all four directions waits and watches....but I digress!
I drive to Madion's pre-school which is at the other elementary in our subdivision. It is about three miles away, but with school traffic patterns, it can be a bit of a nightmare getting her there on time! But this morning we are plenty early! I pull up to the drop off point. Callie turns around to tell Madison goodbye but instead shock and horror come across her face as she yells, "Mom! Did you not know she is in her nightgown?!" I die laughing and explain that this is Red Ribbon Week and today is pajama day, so of course I know she is in her nightgown! What kind of mom would I be to put her in the car and not know she is in her pajamas?! I get out and go around to the other side of Big Momma to get her out. When I open the door I see the nightgown...and the bare feet! "Madison, where are your shoes?", I asked knowing that at one point this morning they were on her feet! "In your room!", comes the sweet reply. Well, I am not the kind of mom who would not notice her child in her pajamas as she loads the car, but evidently I am the mom that fails to notice she is taking a child to school without shoes!
So I calmly close the van door, tell the teacher waiting to take Madison inside that we will return just as soon as we get her shoes, and I get behind the wheel and drive off as the teacher's gaze follows with a very perplexed yet amused look about her.
So in case you have ever ended up at your destination with a barefoot child, you can now know, you are not alone!
Have a terrific Tuesday!
Monday, October 13, 2014
Holding Onto Hope
This is going to be one of those in the middle of the battle transparent posts! So you have been warned if you want to continue reading!
The last three weeks have presented some of the darkest days of my life! Even saying that seems a bit silly since the last ten years have brought some heartbreaking circumstances. Yet, those circumstances did not bring the dark night of the soul or a dread of hopelessness like I have felt over the last few weeks.
There is no event or trigger that I can say brought on these dark days. In fact, this is a time when I believe that strongholds that have been in my life and in the lives of those closest to me are about to be broken once and for all! This is a time when I believe promises that God gave to me years ago will be fulfilled. So why the dark days?
I don't have a definite answer. I can't explain it totally. All I know is that I have felt on many days like the enemy has literally been trying to kill me. For anyone who has not "been there", I realize that sounds absurd and a bit crazy. But for those who have "been there", you will understand that feeling exactly! There were days that I could not even take a deep breath. There were days that I had to pray and quote scripture through each day just to put one foot in front of the other and fulfill the tasks for that day. There were days I literally did not think I would make it until time that I could lay my head down on my bed. I have battled spiritual depression at times in my life, and I have battled chemical depression that required medication for a season. This has not been like any of those! It has been a darkness of a different level.
So why am I writing about this? It's definitely not feeling like a warm and fuzzy, encouragement to the Body, is it ? I am writing because I believe there are other Christ followers out there who the enemy is pursuing with the same fervor he is pursuing me! The time for Christians to impact the world is at hand! The enemy knows that when we fully understand who we are in Christ, he will have no authority over us. And he will not let go of that easily! I have had moments of doubt of everything I know or ever believed about God during these dark days!
This has been a time when even answered prayers didn't seem to change circumstances. For example, we needed childcare for the four youngest that wouldn't require every penny of my salary to pay. It took us four months, but we finally had a plan. It was more money than we had been spending, but it was a plan. Two weeks into that plan (remember it took us four months!), one of the pieces fell apart and we were back to square one for two of the kids. I shook my fist at God and asked "WHY?!" How did He expect me to do this job He has called me to when I don't have childcare?! And how did He expect me to pay for childcare for four children on the salary He has given me?! Within a few days, He provided an answer and we had childcare set again. Literally two weeks later, the other original piece of childcare fell apart. And we were back to square one! We have found a place for them all to go yet again, but our budget is $300 short of fulfilling the new childcare bill. I'll have to let you know how He provides for that because as of right now, I am still believing by faith the provision will be there!
I share that to show that during this dark time it has seemed that even answers to prayer to fix circumstances have ended up just being two steps backwards! It has felt like there is literally no way out of the pit of my circumstances! There is not enough time to get everyone where they need to be. There are not enough hours in the day to do all my job demands. I would think I was doing great one day, then dinner time would come; and I would realize I hadn't planned ahead and there was nothing for dinner other than hop pockets....and of course no money to eat out!
The troubles of this season have felt as if they have had their hands around my neck squeezing the very breath out of my heavy chest. I have cried out to God for His help, I have begged for His presence as it was only in those times that I felt His tangible presence that I could breathe! I have begged for the mountains that stood in the way of what I know He has asked me to do to be thrown into the sea. Yet even in the moments when a mountain would move, there seemed to be one right behind it still blocking the path! I have questioned my calling, my giftings, my identity, my value, my faith, my belief and my abilities!
But through it all, there has been this small voice constantly whispering, "What do you know about me?!" "What do you really believe?!" And in those moments, I choose to take my eyes of circumstances even if for a second and confirm that somewhere beneath the chaos, the doubt, the overwhelming circumstances, I do have a core belief that God is good! I do have a core belief that He loves me and will provide my every need! I do have core belief that my present trouble is worth whatever is needed to bring about the coming glory for Him! And that is how I have kept holding onto hope! Most days I have only held on by my fingernails as they left ridges on the cliff where I slowly slid down toward the pit of despair that threatened to engulf me! But before I ever hit that pit, a glimmer of light from somewhere or someone would pull me back up just before my feet hit the miry clay!
I know there are others out there today whose circumstances are threatening to destroy all faith and hope you have! I want to encourage you that first, you are NOT ALONE! Others of us are facing these dark days also. The enemy wants you to think that God has forgotten you and that you are the only one suffering. It's a lie from the pit of hell! You are not alone! God promises that He will never leave us or forsake us! Second, know that your circumstances are not your reality! That's hard for me to hear and believe right now too. But God has taught me enough in the past two years that I know it's true. What He says about me and my life is my reality! I just have to hold on, keep praying, keep speaking those things that are not as though they are until His will comes to earth and invades my circumstances just like it is in heaven! I am not there yet! But I have just enough hope and belief that it WILL happen and that God will NOT leave me in this dark place, that I hold on! And I want to encourage you to hold on too! Find someone who has the faith to stand with you! Ask them to pray with you!
You might ask why do we have to go through this? Well, I believe it is because we are on the verge of break through and victory like we have never known! I believe the enemy is trying to take us down before we get to experience the goodness and faithfulness of God in a way we have never before known and will forever change who we are on this earth! We will know a new and deeper level of intimacy with our Creator that will make us a force for impact on the hurting world around us! And I also believe that is why God allows this darkness for a moment. He is about to show himself strong, mighty and faithful in a way we have never seen!
So if you find yourself holding onto hope by only your fingertips, please hold on! I firmly believe there are areas where our faith is about to be made sight in areas that you have been believing for years! Don't stop right before the victory! Hang on with me!
The last three weeks have presented some of the darkest days of my life! Even saying that seems a bit silly since the last ten years have brought some heartbreaking circumstances. Yet, those circumstances did not bring the dark night of the soul or a dread of hopelessness like I have felt over the last few weeks.
There is no event or trigger that I can say brought on these dark days. In fact, this is a time when I believe that strongholds that have been in my life and in the lives of those closest to me are about to be broken once and for all! This is a time when I believe promises that God gave to me years ago will be fulfilled. So why the dark days?
I don't have a definite answer. I can't explain it totally. All I know is that I have felt on many days like the enemy has literally been trying to kill me. For anyone who has not "been there", I realize that sounds absurd and a bit crazy. But for those who have "been there", you will understand that feeling exactly! There were days that I could not even take a deep breath. There were days that I had to pray and quote scripture through each day just to put one foot in front of the other and fulfill the tasks for that day. There were days I literally did not think I would make it until time that I could lay my head down on my bed. I have battled spiritual depression at times in my life, and I have battled chemical depression that required medication for a season. This has not been like any of those! It has been a darkness of a different level.
So why am I writing about this? It's definitely not feeling like a warm and fuzzy, encouragement to the Body, is it ? I am writing because I believe there are other Christ followers out there who the enemy is pursuing with the same fervor he is pursuing me! The time for Christians to impact the world is at hand! The enemy knows that when we fully understand who we are in Christ, he will have no authority over us. And he will not let go of that easily! I have had moments of doubt of everything I know or ever believed about God during these dark days!
This has been a time when even answered prayers didn't seem to change circumstances. For example, we needed childcare for the four youngest that wouldn't require every penny of my salary to pay. It took us four months, but we finally had a plan. It was more money than we had been spending, but it was a plan. Two weeks into that plan (remember it took us four months!), one of the pieces fell apart and we were back to square one for two of the kids. I shook my fist at God and asked "WHY?!" How did He expect me to do this job He has called me to when I don't have childcare?! And how did He expect me to pay for childcare for four children on the salary He has given me?! Within a few days, He provided an answer and we had childcare set again. Literally two weeks later, the other original piece of childcare fell apart. And we were back to square one! We have found a place for them all to go yet again, but our budget is $300 short of fulfilling the new childcare bill. I'll have to let you know how He provides for that because as of right now, I am still believing by faith the provision will be there!
I share that to show that during this dark time it has seemed that even answers to prayer to fix circumstances have ended up just being two steps backwards! It has felt like there is literally no way out of the pit of my circumstances! There is not enough time to get everyone where they need to be. There are not enough hours in the day to do all my job demands. I would think I was doing great one day, then dinner time would come; and I would realize I hadn't planned ahead and there was nothing for dinner other than hop pockets....and of course no money to eat out!
The troubles of this season have felt as if they have had their hands around my neck squeezing the very breath out of my heavy chest. I have cried out to God for His help, I have begged for His presence as it was only in those times that I felt His tangible presence that I could breathe! I have begged for the mountains that stood in the way of what I know He has asked me to do to be thrown into the sea. Yet even in the moments when a mountain would move, there seemed to be one right behind it still blocking the path! I have questioned my calling, my giftings, my identity, my value, my faith, my belief and my abilities!
But through it all, there has been this small voice constantly whispering, "What do you know about me?!" "What do you really believe?!" And in those moments, I choose to take my eyes of circumstances even if for a second and confirm that somewhere beneath the chaos, the doubt, the overwhelming circumstances, I do have a core belief that God is good! I do have a core belief that He loves me and will provide my every need! I do have core belief that my present trouble is worth whatever is needed to bring about the coming glory for Him! And that is how I have kept holding onto hope! Most days I have only held on by my fingernails as they left ridges on the cliff where I slowly slid down toward the pit of despair that threatened to engulf me! But before I ever hit that pit, a glimmer of light from somewhere or someone would pull me back up just before my feet hit the miry clay!
I know there are others out there today whose circumstances are threatening to destroy all faith and hope you have! I want to encourage you that first, you are NOT ALONE! Others of us are facing these dark days also. The enemy wants you to think that God has forgotten you and that you are the only one suffering. It's a lie from the pit of hell! You are not alone! God promises that He will never leave us or forsake us! Second, know that your circumstances are not your reality! That's hard for me to hear and believe right now too. But God has taught me enough in the past two years that I know it's true. What He says about me and my life is my reality! I just have to hold on, keep praying, keep speaking those things that are not as though they are until His will comes to earth and invades my circumstances just like it is in heaven! I am not there yet! But I have just enough hope and belief that it WILL happen and that God will NOT leave me in this dark place, that I hold on! And I want to encourage you to hold on too! Find someone who has the faith to stand with you! Ask them to pray with you!
You might ask why do we have to go through this? Well, I believe it is because we are on the verge of break through and victory like we have never known! I believe the enemy is trying to take us down before we get to experience the goodness and faithfulness of God in a way we have never before known and will forever change who we are on this earth! We will know a new and deeper level of intimacy with our Creator that will make us a force for impact on the hurting world around us! And I also believe that is why God allows this darkness for a moment. He is about to show himself strong, mighty and faithful in a way we have never seen!
So if you find yourself holding onto hope by only your fingertips, please hold on! I firmly believe there are areas where our faith is about to be made sight in areas that you have been believing for years! Don't stop right before the victory! Hang on with me!
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
They didn't deserve it and neither do you...but love them anyway
So I am reading reports and evaluations on some kiddos today in hopes of one of my families being a great match as a forever family. This is one of the hardest parts of my jobs. I have to read all that these kids have suffered before, and often after, they came into the system we call child "protection". One particular answer by one of the children has left me in a puddle of tears at my desk. She is less than 10, and is asked why she came into care. Her answer: "Because I lied about something."
Oh Jesus, how? How do we do this to our children? This precious child of God beleives in her heart that she is in a system that moves her every few months because of something she did! I am sure worker after worker, and therapist after therapist have told her numerous times that she is in care because of nothing that she did! But you see these kids are ripe for the enemy's taking! Because of what the adults in their lives have done or chosen over them, they have a huge void that the enemy runs in and says "It's all your fault!" They believe in the core of themselves that they are so horendous that no one could love them...not even their own mother or father.
But my tears don't stop for just her, although I could cry a river just on that alone. My tears stream down my face for all of my friends who are loving these kids! You see when these kids come into our homes, they are there not because of anything that is their own fault, but becuase of choices of others. And because of those choices of others, these children behave in ways that can be very hurtful. They don't know how to love. They don't know how to trust. They don't know how to receive love either. They didn't deserve what these adults did to them...
And the ripple does not stop with these kids. It now extends to foster and adoptive moms and dads and brothers and sisters who are trying with all that is within them to love this little girl! Yet in return they get "I hate you!" or they get little jabs like "I love you but not as much as my real mom" or "you're not my family". Oh friends, they don't mean it! And even if on some level they do mean it, they don't understand what they are saying! ...and you don't deserve what the decicions of these adults are not doing to you and your family as you once knew it!
Stay the course! Do something to give yourself some oxygen! But don't believe the lies the enemy has told these kids and now wants to scream at you too! You may very well be the only Jesus they see! You may be the only true, unconditional love they ever know. So when they have ripped your heart out, torn it into a million pieces and thrown the pieces back in your face, will you gather those pieces up and take them to your Heavenly Father who sees and knows your pain. Will you allow Him to mend your heart so that you can then help mend theirs?! She believes she is in your home because she lied about something...and she believes as soon as she does something just bad enough to you, she will move again. Hold on moms and dads! Hold those wounded children and show them the love they may not even know they need.
And if you are not one of these moms or dads loving these children who are in or have been in our foster system, go find someone who is! Take them a meal, but even better yet, do what you need to in order to give them a child free night just so they can breath again! Yes, they need prayer, but they need so much more than just your prayers! They need Jesus with skin on!
And if you are not one of these moms and dads, but God has been calling you into this crazy thing we call adoption, DO IT! There is a girl who thinks she is in the system because she lied about something! She needs you to teach her the Truth of God's unconditional and merciful love! She needs that Truth not just to heal and survive the cruel world she has lived in for her short life, but she needs it to secure her eternity! If not you, then who?
Oh Jesus, how? How do we do this to our children? This precious child of God beleives in her heart that she is in a system that moves her every few months because of something she did! I am sure worker after worker, and therapist after therapist have told her numerous times that she is in care because of nothing that she did! But you see these kids are ripe for the enemy's taking! Because of what the adults in their lives have done or chosen over them, they have a huge void that the enemy runs in and says "It's all your fault!" They believe in the core of themselves that they are so horendous that no one could love them...not even their own mother or father.
But my tears don't stop for just her, although I could cry a river just on that alone. My tears stream down my face for all of my friends who are loving these kids! You see when these kids come into our homes, they are there not because of anything that is their own fault, but becuase of choices of others. And because of those choices of others, these children behave in ways that can be very hurtful. They don't know how to love. They don't know how to trust. They don't know how to receive love either. They didn't deserve what these adults did to them...
And the ripple does not stop with these kids. It now extends to foster and adoptive moms and dads and brothers and sisters who are trying with all that is within them to love this little girl! Yet in return they get "I hate you!" or they get little jabs like "I love you but not as much as my real mom" or "you're not my family". Oh friends, they don't mean it! And even if on some level they do mean it, they don't understand what they are saying! ...and you don't deserve what the decicions of these adults are not doing to you and your family as you once knew it!
Stay the course! Do something to give yourself some oxygen! But don't believe the lies the enemy has told these kids and now wants to scream at you too! You may very well be the only Jesus they see! You may be the only true, unconditional love they ever know. So when they have ripped your heart out, torn it into a million pieces and thrown the pieces back in your face, will you gather those pieces up and take them to your Heavenly Father who sees and knows your pain. Will you allow Him to mend your heart so that you can then help mend theirs?! She believes she is in your home because she lied about something...and she believes as soon as she does something just bad enough to you, she will move again. Hold on moms and dads! Hold those wounded children and show them the love they may not even know they need.
And if you are not one of these moms or dads loving these children who are in or have been in our foster system, go find someone who is! Take them a meal, but even better yet, do what you need to in order to give them a child free night just so they can breath again! Yes, they need prayer, but they need so much more than just your prayers! They need Jesus with skin on!
And if you are not one of these moms and dads, but God has been calling you into this crazy thing we call adoption, DO IT! There is a girl who thinks she is in the system because she lied about something! She needs you to teach her the Truth of God's unconditional and merciful love! She needs that Truth not just to heal and survive the cruel world she has lived in for her short life, but she needs it to secure her eternity! If not you, then who?
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Lessons on God, Others and Pain from a Slinky!
God uses some of the craziest things to speak to me sometimes! And this evening in the craziness of getting everyone ready and in bed was one of those times!
Ava had gotten a purple plastic slinky at the dentist today. Side note here. I took the 7 youngest kids to the dentist by myself today. Callie was home with a stomach virus so she didn't make her appointment. Can I tell you that I didn't make it? After the three year old's complete melt down over having to pick only "one" toy from the toy chest, I sent the SOS telling John to get home ASAP! Just keeping it real! Which really just makes this message all the more relevant on some levels!
Back to the subject. Ava had chosen the purple plastic slinky as her toy at the dentist. During the bed time routine, one of the younger ones brings it to me. It is a mangled mess. I ask the deliverer of the slinky what happened. The deliverer of the slinky proceeds to tell me that said child and one of the other children broke it. I immediately thought of how heart broken Ava will be when she discovers that her prize has been demolished. I start working feverishly to untangle the mess. I twist this way. I turn that way. But no matter what I do, I can't undo it. I get a few kinks out, but it is still a tangled mess and looks nothing like the slinky Ava had chosen from the treasure chest....and for the most part is rather useless in this state.
As I was trying to untangle all the plastic curves, God whispered to the deepest part of my soul "This is how I feel when others hurt you!" You see, I knew the hurt it was going to cause Ava to discover that her siblings had ruined her toy. But no amount of wishing or working could erase that two people had exercised free will to destroy something that was not theirs. No amount of love or desire to protect could keep my two children from hurting my other child. I would have given anything for them to not have done that to her toy. But even in all my power as the mother of all three children, I could not undo what two had chosen to do in their free will.
The majority of the pain and difficulties in my life over the past 10 years, but truly the last 3, have come as a result of decisions of other people. I have my own consequences to own due to my own sin and disobedience, but there are many deep, deep wounds that are the results of others. So many times in the moments when I am truly honest with myself and God, I cry out, "WHY?! Why would you let them do that? Why would you allow me to hurt in that way?" And in that moment of untangling a mingled purple plastic toy, God showed me that he never allowed it and that He hurt too! He showed me that He would have done anything to stop and now to "undo" what His children had chosen in free will to do that caused me pain. But He showed me that just as my love and desire to shield Ava from the hurt could not stop or undo what had been done by others in free will, so could He not undo what was done to me in free will.
So if you are struggling right now with pain that has been caused by the choices of others, can I tell you that God hurts with you! He is clear in His Word that free will is the way of this world. He will not force Himself or His ways on anyone. That person that hurt you was operating out of their own selfish desires. God did not choose what happened, and He hurts with you now. He wants to walk through healing with you. He wants to take the pain that was caused by others and use it for His good!
When Ava discovered that her slinky was a tangled mess, she was indeed heartbroken. As her mother, I responded the only way I knew how to ease her pain, "I will buy you a new one when we find one to undo what had been done." Can I tell you that God is standing by ready to make new whatever has happened to you? Can He totally erase what you have been through? No! But He does promise in His Word that what the enemy meant for your destruction, He will turn around for your good! Will you let Him do that today? Let Him unravel your purple plastic twisted mess and make you knew again! He hurts where those have hurt you! Let Him apply His healing balm to those wounds and make you new again!
"Then shall your light break forth like the morning, and your healing (your restoration and the power of a new life) shall spring forth speedily; your righteousness (your rightness, your justice, and your right relationship with God) shall go before you [conducting you to peace and prosperity], and the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard." Isaiah 58:8
Ava had gotten a purple plastic slinky at the dentist today. Side note here. I took the 7 youngest kids to the dentist by myself today. Callie was home with a stomach virus so she didn't make her appointment. Can I tell you that I didn't make it? After the three year old's complete melt down over having to pick only "one" toy from the toy chest, I sent the SOS telling John to get home ASAP! Just keeping it real! Which really just makes this message all the more relevant on some levels!
Back to the subject. Ava had chosen the purple plastic slinky as her toy at the dentist. During the bed time routine, one of the younger ones brings it to me. It is a mangled mess. I ask the deliverer of the slinky what happened. The deliverer of the slinky proceeds to tell me that said child and one of the other children broke it. I immediately thought of how heart broken Ava will be when she discovers that her prize has been demolished. I start working feverishly to untangle the mess. I twist this way. I turn that way. But no matter what I do, I can't undo it. I get a few kinks out, but it is still a tangled mess and looks nothing like the slinky Ava had chosen from the treasure chest....and for the most part is rather useless in this state.
As I was trying to untangle all the plastic curves, God whispered to the deepest part of my soul "This is how I feel when others hurt you!" You see, I knew the hurt it was going to cause Ava to discover that her siblings had ruined her toy. But no amount of wishing or working could erase that two people had exercised free will to destroy something that was not theirs. No amount of love or desire to protect could keep my two children from hurting my other child. I would have given anything for them to not have done that to her toy. But even in all my power as the mother of all three children, I could not undo what two had chosen to do in their free will.
The majority of the pain and difficulties in my life over the past 10 years, but truly the last 3, have come as a result of decisions of other people. I have my own consequences to own due to my own sin and disobedience, but there are many deep, deep wounds that are the results of others. So many times in the moments when I am truly honest with myself and God, I cry out, "WHY?! Why would you let them do that? Why would you allow me to hurt in that way?" And in that moment of untangling a mingled purple plastic toy, God showed me that he never allowed it and that He hurt too! He showed me that He would have done anything to stop and now to "undo" what His children had chosen in free will to do that caused me pain. But He showed me that just as my love and desire to shield Ava from the hurt could not stop or undo what had been done by others in free will, so could He not undo what was done to me in free will.
So if you are struggling right now with pain that has been caused by the choices of others, can I tell you that God hurts with you! He is clear in His Word that free will is the way of this world. He will not force Himself or His ways on anyone. That person that hurt you was operating out of their own selfish desires. God did not choose what happened, and He hurts with you now. He wants to walk through healing with you. He wants to take the pain that was caused by others and use it for His good!
When Ava discovered that her slinky was a tangled mess, she was indeed heartbroken. As her mother, I responded the only way I knew how to ease her pain, "I will buy you a new one when we find one to undo what had been done." Can I tell you that God is standing by ready to make new whatever has happened to you? Can He totally erase what you have been through? No! But He does promise in His Word that what the enemy meant for your destruction, He will turn around for your good! Will you let Him do that today? Let Him unravel your purple plastic twisted mess and make you knew again! He hurts where those have hurt you! Let Him apply His healing balm to those wounds and make you new again!
"Then shall your light break forth like the morning, and your healing (your restoration and the power of a new life) shall spring forth speedily; your righteousness (your rightness, your justice, and your right relationship with God) shall go before you [conducting you to peace and prosperity], and the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard." Isaiah 58:8
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
They Had a Life Before Gotcha Day
There have been several posts on my news feed about school assignments that are common where they ask for a baby picture and ask questions for which we as adopted parents often do not have answers. These moments are painful - for them and for us! I know for me they are a reminder that no matter how much I love my children, that love cannot take away the fact that they are adopted. As hard as we try to make being adopted a very special thing in our family (to the point that Callie used to cry that she was not adopted and hated being biological! Oops! Guess we went overboard at first!), being adopted still means there are missing pieces to the puzzle of their lives. And these assignments pour salt in that wound.
So what do we do with them? As is the case with just about any adoption related discussion, I do not think there is a one-size-fits-all answer. I think it depends on your child and how he feels about being adopted. How comfortable is he with that discussion? But no matter how you decide to handle it, can I encourage you to not send a message that I fear many of us do without even knowing it? Please be careful to not send the message that his life began on Gotcha Day!
I love the Gotcha Day celebrations. I think celebrating the day our children became a part of our family is something special and definitely worth celebrating! However, that is not when my children's lives began! They were born somewhere to someone. Depending on when they came to us they may have had weeks, months or years of life before we even knew about them. Can I tell you that Gotcha Day doesn't erase that! It sounds absurd, I know. But how many times when our children ask us something, or an assignment asks us something, do we revert back to something we "know" or something we feel comfortable talking about, which doesn't usually include all the missing pieces that we don't have from their life before us.
I had not really thought of it this way until we adopted a teenager. She would get angry when we would talk about anything that happened before she came. We had to have a conversation about the fact that even though I hated that it took 15 years for us to find her, we did have a life before she was in our family. This was hard for her to understand until I asked her if she would be happy if I told her she could not talk about anything during the first 15 years of her life because it made me too sad that I missed it? I was asking her the question, but really, I heard my voice asking me, "So do you not want to talk about anything that happened for the past 15 years if you are not comfortable talking about her birth mom?" Ouch!
So what do we do with the school assignments with the questions for which we don't have answers, or the dinner conversations with other kids that are about first words or first foods? I am not saying I have the answer, but I don't think the answer is to pretend like it didn't happen because it's too painful for us to not have answers! I don't think we need to always revert to Gotcha Day as their beginning just because it's when they began with us. They did have first words even if we don't know what they are! They did take a first step even if we don't know when it happened! They were a baby even if we don't have a picture! And while I would love to e-mail every teacher from now until they graduate and tell them that adopted kids have a very hard time with these assignments and it's very insensitive to assign them, that's not the real world. I cannot follow my adopted children around their entire lives telling people they are adopted so please do not ask them anything about their life before Gotcha Day.
When we talk about those things in our family, we talk about what "could have been" the first word or the first food. We look at pictures of babies and see if we can find some that look similar and laugh about if they would have that kind of hair or were that chubby. For Toben we have babies who are being carried on their backs and talk about how he probably rode like that on his mamma's back. Is it painful sometimes to not have answers? Yes! But does it change the reality to not talk about it? No! And maybe it's the realist in me, but I would rather them learn to handle the unknowns in their life while they are with me and we can do it together! And what I always want to communicate to them is that their life is perfectly planned and orchestrated by God, their days were numbered before even one came to be - even the days before I entered their lives, even the days before Gotcha Day!
So what do we do with them? As is the case with just about any adoption related discussion, I do not think there is a one-size-fits-all answer. I think it depends on your child and how he feels about being adopted. How comfortable is he with that discussion? But no matter how you decide to handle it, can I encourage you to not send a message that I fear many of us do without even knowing it? Please be careful to not send the message that his life began on Gotcha Day!
I love the Gotcha Day celebrations. I think celebrating the day our children became a part of our family is something special and definitely worth celebrating! However, that is not when my children's lives began! They were born somewhere to someone. Depending on when they came to us they may have had weeks, months or years of life before we even knew about them. Can I tell you that Gotcha Day doesn't erase that! It sounds absurd, I know. But how many times when our children ask us something, or an assignment asks us something, do we revert back to something we "know" or something we feel comfortable talking about, which doesn't usually include all the missing pieces that we don't have from their life before us.
I had not really thought of it this way until we adopted a teenager. She would get angry when we would talk about anything that happened before she came. We had to have a conversation about the fact that even though I hated that it took 15 years for us to find her, we did have a life before she was in our family. This was hard for her to understand until I asked her if she would be happy if I told her she could not talk about anything during the first 15 years of her life because it made me too sad that I missed it? I was asking her the question, but really, I heard my voice asking me, "So do you not want to talk about anything that happened for the past 15 years if you are not comfortable talking about her birth mom?" Ouch!
So what do we do with the school assignments with the questions for which we don't have answers, or the dinner conversations with other kids that are about first words or first foods? I am not saying I have the answer, but I don't think the answer is to pretend like it didn't happen because it's too painful for us to not have answers! I don't think we need to always revert to Gotcha Day as their beginning just because it's when they began with us. They did have first words even if we don't know what they are! They did take a first step even if we don't know when it happened! They were a baby even if we don't have a picture! And while I would love to e-mail every teacher from now until they graduate and tell them that adopted kids have a very hard time with these assignments and it's very insensitive to assign them, that's not the real world. I cannot follow my adopted children around their entire lives telling people they are adopted so please do not ask them anything about their life before Gotcha Day.
When we talk about those things in our family, we talk about what "could have been" the first word or the first food. We look at pictures of babies and see if we can find some that look similar and laugh about if they would have that kind of hair or were that chubby. For Toben we have babies who are being carried on their backs and talk about how he probably rode like that on his mamma's back. Is it painful sometimes to not have answers? Yes! But does it change the reality to not talk about it? No! And maybe it's the realist in me, but I would rather them learn to handle the unknowns in their life while they are with me and we can do it together! And what I always want to communicate to them is that their life is perfectly planned and orchestrated by God, their days were numbered before even one came to be - even the days before I entered their lives, even the days before Gotcha Day!
Monday, September 1, 2014
What a Year!
This week we celebrated our one year anniversary in our new home, our new life....in our promised land. If I had to describe it in one word - SURVIVAL.
And like never before I can relate to the Israelites who after being freed from slavery in Egypt, questioned whether they should have just remained in bondage versus facing the hardships and trials that their new adventure to the Promised Land brought them.
One year ago, I loaded up the van with the four oldest kids living with us and headed six hours away from my husband, my four babies, the majority of my belongings, my home I loved, my new kitchen God had given me, and every person we knew and both sets of our parents which meant all of our support system! But I was excited! I remember coming up on Sweetwater where there are hundreds of windmills, the new kind that are enormous and white. However it was dark, so you couldn't see the windmills, you could only see the red lights at the tops of them all blinking. It was a sea of red blinking lights. I had an excitement and anticipation swell up in my spirit as I felt God impress on me that the possibilities for all that I longed for were waiting in our new season in our new home and that they were as endless as the red blinking lights on the horizon.
But it took less than 12 hours for those possibilities to begin to seem few and far out of reach! We arrived at 1 am the morning of the first day of school. I woke up very sleepy and exhausted kids just a few hours later to head to their first day of school in all new schools. We took first day of school pictures in front of the hotel fountain! Not everyone can say that, right?!
Small town chick had come to big city and didn't have a clue where she was or what she was getting into with traffic that morning. The elementary kids were 30 minutes late for their first day of school....and it pretty well went like that for the next few months!
In this year we not only moved away from all friends, family and support, but we encountered some of the biggest trials of our lives. This year brought the news that our oldest daughter who we left behind in less than great circumstances had been badly beaten up by her boyfriend, and grand-baby number three had been conceived. We went through two months of making two house payments that consumed over half our paycheck, we fought a custody battle for our two oldest grand babies, watched as our daughter signed termination of rights, started the process to adopt, saw the largest growth in Addy's Hope in five years meaning I would have to travel back to West Texas at least once a month, walked one child through severe morning and anger over our move, and then all the things any move means - new doctors, new child care, new church, endless boxes, redecorating, new paint, and it goes on and on! And beautiful baby number 3 made his debut in this world!
John's first day at work here was just three days after we moved into the house. It was about noon that day that I realized I had not been left alone with all four of the babies since we had taken custody of the grands. John had resigned his position to accept his new one just a few days after we had gotten custody of them. With the transition happening and needing to take time off to not lose it, he was home during most of the time we were packing to move. I stood in a house FULL of boxes with four children ages three and under wondering how I would ever get unpacked and have any sort of structure to life ever again!
It would be the fist of many times that circumstances would overwhelm me to the point that I would just sit down and cry. It was all I could do. In those moments, I became like a grumbling Israelite! It didn't matter what God has for me in the Promised Land, I couldn't see any of it because the circumstances were like the giants that already inhabited my land, and I saw no way around them. I would have gone back to Midland in a heart beat if it had at all been possible. None of the promises God had given about the move, none of the potential or possibilities mattered. I was so overcome by what I saw that faith had no place. I remember reading about the Israelites and wondering how they could see God do all He had done for them and still grumble. I don't wonder anymore. God's hand was all over our move, His hand was all over so many things over the past year, but it didn't matter. I was still completely and totally overcome with the circumstances of my life.
This year has truly been one of SURVIVAL. It has been a year of prayers like "God, give me enough strength to get out of bed. God, give me enough energy to make it to when John gets home and there will be another set of hands to change diapers and make sippee cups." But as I look back over this year, another word comes to mind INTIMACY. In my need to survive, I pressed into the throne of God like never before. In my need to just make it one more step on many days, I learned to cry out however many times a day I needed to in order to just make it. I learned to seek God above all else - because in my moments with Him were when the peace would come. My moments with Him were when the voices of doubt, fear and insecurity would be silenced....even if for just a few minutes.
And now, 12 months later, there are still many overwhelming circumstances. But that too has been a lesson of this move....once again learning to live from Heaven to Earth, not looking at circumstances but standing on the promises of God and holding fast to them until circumstance bow a knee and line up with the promises! I have learned to hold to the promises of God found in scripture like never before! I have truly learned what it is for his Word to by my very breath as it is all that kept me breathing! I no longer ask John to take me back. I still miss friends and family so badly it physically hurts at times, but as I go back to West Texas, each month, it feels less and less like "home". Each trip God shows me something else to be thankful for in our move.
But probably the most valuable lesson of the last year is God is faithful! Even when I don't deserve it, even when I doubt, even when I am whining and complaining, He is still faithful! I have come to a place in my spiritual journey where even through the pain of "feeling" deserted, I could still say God is good. I could still say He is faithful even if I don't see it yet. Trials that would have left me doubting God's existence - and at times did leave me questioning Him for a moment - were now faced with a belief and stance that no matter what life looks like, I will not waiver in my belief that God is good and He is faithful! He met me right where I was so many times this year with a scripture, praise song or text from an old friend. He was my everything when it felt like I had nothing.
I know that this season has brought endurance...a trait that I truly struggle with! And just as he has the past 12 months, as I woke me up at 4 and was unable to sleep thinking of all that needed to be done, the first scripture I see is James 1:3 NLT "For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow." And this morning, as I reflect on the past year, I am thankful! I am thankful that my endurance has had a chance to grow! And I am thankful to be able to once again testify that God is faithful, meets you right where you are and stays true to His promises!
And I look forward to the next 12 months.....I am moving into the Promised Land, giants and all! I am determined to gain all that is mine and not allow the enemy to steal any of it!
And like never before I can relate to the Israelites who after being freed from slavery in Egypt, questioned whether they should have just remained in bondage versus facing the hardships and trials that their new adventure to the Promised Land brought them.
But it took less than 12 hours for those possibilities to begin to seem few and far out of reach! We arrived at 1 am the morning of the first day of school. I woke up very sleepy and exhausted kids just a few hours later to head to their first day of school in all new schools. We took first day of school pictures in front of the hotel fountain! Not everyone can say that, right?!
Small town chick had come to big city and didn't have a clue where she was or what she was getting into with traffic that morning. The elementary kids were 30 minutes late for their first day of school....and it pretty well went like that for the next few months!
 |
| We had just taken possession of the house...our stuff and the rest of the family wasn't here yet, but we took a picture on the staircase! I was so excited....then the moving van arrived with all the boxes! |
John's first day at work here was just three days after we moved into the house. It was about noon that day that I realized I had not been left alone with all four of the babies since we had taken custody of the grands. John had resigned his position to accept his new one just a few days after we had gotten custody of them. With the transition happening and needing to take time off to not lose it, he was home during most of the time we were packing to move. I stood in a house FULL of boxes with four children ages three and under wondering how I would ever get unpacked and have any sort of structure to life ever again!
It would be the fist of many times that circumstances would overwhelm me to the point that I would just sit down and cry. It was all I could do. In those moments, I became like a grumbling Israelite! It didn't matter what God has for me in the Promised Land, I couldn't see any of it because the circumstances were like the giants that already inhabited my land, and I saw no way around them. I would have gone back to Midland in a heart beat if it had at all been possible. None of the promises God had given about the move, none of the potential or possibilities mattered. I was so overcome by what I saw that faith had no place. I remember reading about the Israelites and wondering how they could see God do all He had done for them and still grumble. I don't wonder anymore. God's hand was all over our move, His hand was all over so many things over the past year, but it didn't matter. I was still completely and totally overcome with the circumstances of my life.
This year has truly been one of SURVIVAL. It has been a year of prayers like "God, give me enough strength to get out of bed. God, give me enough energy to make it to when John gets home and there will be another set of hands to change diapers and make sippee cups." But as I look back over this year, another word comes to mind INTIMACY. In my need to survive, I pressed into the throne of God like never before. In my need to just make it one more step on many days, I learned to cry out however many times a day I needed to in order to just make it. I learned to seek God above all else - because in my moments with Him were when the peace would come. My moments with Him were when the voices of doubt, fear and insecurity would be silenced....even if for just a few minutes.
And now, 12 months later, there are still many overwhelming circumstances. But that too has been a lesson of this move....once again learning to live from Heaven to Earth, not looking at circumstances but standing on the promises of God and holding fast to them until circumstance bow a knee and line up with the promises! I have learned to hold to the promises of God found in scripture like never before! I have truly learned what it is for his Word to by my very breath as it is all that kept me breathing! I no longer ask John to take me back. I still miss friends and family so badly it physically hurts at times, but as I go back to West Texas, each month, it feels less and less like "home". Each trip God shows me something else to be thankful for in our move.
But probably the most valuable lesson of the last year is God is faithful! Even when I don't deserve it, even when I doubt, even when I am whining and complaining, He is still faithful! I have come to a place in my spiritual journey where even through the pain of "feeling" deserted, I could still say God is good. I could still say He is faithful even if I don't see it yet. Trials that would have left me doubting God's existence - and at times did leave me questioning Him for a moment - were now faced with a belief and stance that no matter what life looks like, I will not waiver in my belief that God is good and He is faithful! He met me right where I was so many times this year with a scripture, praise song or text from an old friend. He was my everything when it felt like I had nothing.
I know that this season has brought endurance...a trait that I truly struggle with! And just as he has the past 12 months, as I woke me up at 4 and was unable to sleep thinking of all that needed to be done, the first scripture I see is James 1:3 NLT "For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow." And this morning, as I reflect on the past year, I am thankful! I am thankful that my endurance has had a chance to grow! And I am thankful to be able to once again testify that God is faithful, meets you right where you are and stays true to His promises!
And I look forward to the next 12 months.....I am moving into the Promised Land, giants and all! I am determined to gain all that is mine and not allow the enemy to steal any of it!
Thursday, August 21, 2014
For Such a Time as This
The past few weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind as I have found myself once again in the middle of a battle with government and bureaucracy for the welfare of children. Only this time, it's local!
It took almost two years to secure our contract with DFPS to place waiting children in adoptive homes. When I first started the process, even the DFPS contract managers told me it would be a difficult and life-draining process. They were right. But we knew God had revealed to us the orphan crisis in our own backyard for us to make a difference....not to just walk away and pretend like we didn't know. So I pressed on. We placed our first waiting children in an adoptive home in December, and they finalized last month. If all that work was done for just those two kids...it would be worth it...because every child deserves a home! But there are 13,000+ still waiting.
That's why when I was made aware of a sibling group of four kids who have had parent rights terminated for over a year with NOTHING done according to policy of CPS to try to find an adoptive home, I jumped to action. Initially just because we had an adoptive home that was open to looking at the possibility of adopting them. There is so much more to their story and the travesty of it, but that will have to be a post for another time! My efforts to find them a home were met with a huge brick wall! Texas is undergoing a foster care redesign and evidently sometime between February when I was told adoption wasn't part of it and June when I am trying to find a home for children whom the system has failed for a year now, adoption became part of it. The details are appalling and make it obvious that the issue is money and not welfare of children, but that too is a post for another day also.
I spent the better part of the next two days on the phone with officials trying to explain the issue that would severely limit the availability of adoptive homes for the 13,000+ children who are waiting. On July 3, I found myself on a phone call with a foster care redesign attorney with DFPS and a couple of other people. It became obvious that this was not going to be an issue easily fixed. I was defeated. I was left wondering where God was in all of it! I knew He had called me to this work with waiting children of Texas. It's my passion, it's become the focus of my life's calling to care for the orphan. But I truly didn't think I could fight not one more battle in the war for these kids. I was emotionally, physically and spiritually spent with the demands of that battle, the cases I still had to work with Addy's Hope, and the job to be wife to John and mom to 9. I leaned over my kitchen counter and just sobbed!
"What do you want from me, GOD?!" I screamed from the deepest part of my soul! I have fought this battle before in Liberia. I had to walk away from that one without success leaving children and families broken in the wake of those events. What are you asking me to do now? What more do you want from me?
"What do you want from me, GOD?!" I screamed from the deepest part of my soul! I have fought this battle before in Liberia. I had to walk away from that one without success leaving children and families broken in the wake of those events. What are you asking me to do now? What more do you want from me?
I knew I had to have a break at the very least. So I determined to not work for the 4th of July weekend and take that time to enjoy my family. I spent most of that weekend trying to figure out how to shut Addy's Hope down. I truly didn't know how I could continue to work passionately for children to keep hitting government bureaucracy that stood between them and forever families. It was one thing to deal with that in a third world country half way around the world, but to once again be face to face with this monster in my own country, in my own state in a "civilized" society was more then I felt I could continue to battle. But come Monday morning, God was waiting for me when I got still and started my quiet time with Him.
I had heard a couple of teachings on the dry bones coming to life in Ezekiel 37. I had turned there that morning. I started in verse 36 to try and get a little intro to what was happening in 37. As I read, I felt the despair and hopelessness of the situation melt away. The Spirit of the Lord spoke to Gideon telling him that what he saw with his eyes was not reality. He told him to tell the bones to get up...then piece by piece, the bones became an army that could fight for him! As I read, I knew God was reminding me that what I was being told by those I was talking with was the physical world, but God was telling me to speak life into the situation! He was reminding me that the true reality of what was happening was in what He had planned. He brought to mind several Words that had been shared with my be key people in my life. He showed me how they were for this time and this exact situation. Then He did something I don't know that I can ever remember Him doing in my walk with Him. He gave me a choice.
We always have a choice. I know that. We can choose life, or we can choose death. We can choose obedience, or we can choose sin. But this time was not like that. This time He spoke to me like I would one of my children who were contemplating a decision. He assured me that He knew the sacrifice this battle would take. He told me it would be hard, it will take all you have to fight it. Then He assured me that I could walk away from it. It wasn't a "you can walk away, but you will be walking in disobedience" rebuke. It was truly a choice. I felt like what I think Jesus must have felt in the Garden of Gethsemane. Obviously not nearly to the extent of sacrifice that Jesus had to make or the agony he felt, but a similar scenario. God was telling me this is truly a choice. However, there were some "buts" to that choice. It was a choice, "but" all the work I had done in Liberia with the government there was for such a time as this. It was a choice, "but" the working of the CPS contract and having an agency doing only adoptive placements of waiting children was for this time and place. So much of the heart ache and the walking through the valleys was for this moment. It truly felt like God was saying, "This is the moment I created you for! But I know it will cost you, and you can walk away from it. Just know that all you have suffered in walking out your faith, beliefs and passion has prepared you for this battle. Now what are you going to do?" He assured me the battle would be won. He had already declared it in the heavenlies. However, He also made clear that pulling that victory down from heaven to earth would require going to battle. In my work with Addy's Hope, I have always felt inferior. Inferior as a professional, inferior as a tiny agency, inferior in just about every way possible. Can I tell you something? God knows our insecurities! And that morning He spoke directly to mine when He said, "Do not be ashamed or timid because you are a small agency - you are David and I will give you the stones of Truth and wisdom to sleigh Goliath." (And to confirm that one of my amazing families made a reference to David and Goliath just a few days later!)
And with that, I had a decision to make.....
I had heard a couple of teachings on the dry bones coming to life in Ezekiel 37. I had turned there that morning. I started in verse 36 to try and get a little intro to what was happening in 37. As I read, I felt the despair and hopelessness of the situation melt away. The Spirit of the Lord spoke to Gideon telling him that what he saw with his eyes was not reality. He told him to tell the bones to get up...then piece by piece, the bones became an army that could fight for him! As I read, I knew God was reminding me that what I was being told by those I was talking with was the physical world, but God was telling me to speak life into the situation! He was reminding me that the true reality of what was happening was in what He had planned. He brought to mind several Words that had been shared with my be key people in my life. He showed me how they were for this time and this exact situation. Then He did something I don't know that I can ever remember Him doing in my walk with Him. He gave me a choice.
We always have a choice. I know that. We can choose life, or we can choose death. We can choose obedience, or we can choose sin. But this time was not like that. This time He spoke to me like I would one of my children who were contemplating a decision. He assured me that He knew the sacrifice this battle would take. He told me it would be hard, it will take all you have to fight it. Then He assured me that I could walk away from it. It wasn't a "you can walk away, but you will be walking in disobedience" rebuke. It was truly a choice. I felt like what I think Jesus must have felt in the Garden of Gethsemane. Obviously not nearly to the extent of sacrifice that Jesus had to make or the agony he felt, but a similar scenario. God was telling me this is truly a choice. However, there were some "buts" to that choice. It was a choice, "but" all the work I had done in Liberia with the government there was for such a time as this. It was a choice, "but" the working of the CPS contract and having an agency doing only adoptive placements of waiting children was for this time and place. So much of the heart ache and the walking through the valleys was for this moment. It truly felt like God was saying, "This is the moment I created you for! But I know it will cost you, and you can walk away from it. Just know that all you have suffered in walking out your faith, beliefs and passion has prepared you for this battle. Now what are you going to do?" He assured me the battle would be won. He had already declared it in the heavenlies. However, He also made clear that pulling that victory down from heaven to earth would require going to battle. In my work with Addy's Hope, I have always felt inferior. Inferior as a professional, inferior as a tiny agency, inferior in just about every way possible. Can I tell you something? God knows our insecurities! And that morning He spoke directly to mine when He said, "Do not be ashamed or timid because you are a small agency - you are David and I will give you the stones of Truth and wisdom to sleigh Goliath." (And to confirm that one of my amazing families made a reference to David and Goliath just a few days later!)
And with that, I had a decision to make.....
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
It will be enough.....
Can anyone out there relate to weariness? I know weary in this season like I have never known weary before. I thought I knew weary, but this is weary at a whole new level! John and I were talking the other day. I know the joy of the Lord is my strength. I know we are supposed to have abundant life, and I don't believe that life is one that finds us grumbling all the time and ....weary. Yet, that is exactly where I find myself most days.
I am doing all I know to do. I am in the Word daily, praying almost hourly, crying out to God - often even out loud - through out the day as I have feelings of being overwhelmed and feel like the water is most definitely going over my head. So then the voices start accusing me of not having joy on top of all the other accusations that they have hurled at me throughout the day!
I shared with John that right now life feels like I get up, fail at being a good mother, fail at being a good wife, leave work with a bigger to-do list than I started with despite working my tail off all day, fail at health, fail at our finances....you get the picture. Then I go to bed defeated, wake up - sometimes with a fresh outlook sometimes with just enough strength to get out of bed - and do it all over again. There are moments of joy when a baby laughs and it makes me smile, or Journey has a new word he uses in the wrong context, or I see one of the older ones nurturing a relationship with a younger sibling, or John schedules me a massage....there are moments of joy, but overall, life is just extremely weary.
So as I look at school starting and entering the fall season where our schedule becomes double and triple booked most evenings, I almost faint with fear. I have been trying to gear up. Yet, it seems God's presence has been just beyond reach the past week. So today, I just sat down and cried out for a fresh Word from Him. I just sat in my chair with my coffee...just got still before Him and asked Him to speak.
I opened my Bible, and there was a book mark that took me to Judges. And plain as day I heard in my head "Judges 6". So I turn there and start reading. God promises when we seek Him we will find Him! And today I can testify that is true!
As I began to read Judges 6, I realized it is a very familiar story. One I had actually read not that long ago after hearing a teaching on Gideon and wanting to do more study on the back story. There is a part of Gideon's story that I can so relate with! In Judges 6:13, Gideon asks the angel of the Lord, "if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our fathers told us about when they said, 'Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt?' But now the Lord has abandoned us and put us into the hand of Midian." I have rants like that to God, John and sometimes poor intimate friends who catch me on a bad day! But God, where are the finances to provide for these children you asked me to care for? But God, if you are with us, why am I having to fight so hard to keep placing waiting children in homes? But God where is the money to pay for the adoption of these two babies? But God, where is the time to love and parent 8 children and run a ministry and fight for children? Where are all the promises you have given to me when we walked by faith?
Let me stop there and just say....every huge faith step that John and I have taken in the past almost 17 years have failed. Yes, failed. At least that is how it appears when looking at outcomes. If it didn't completely fail, then the outcome looked nothing like what we had thought it would when we stepped off that mountain into a free-fall of trust and faith into it! I can remember a few years ago when we were once again looking into the face of a huge faith journey. I just sat and cried asking God why all my "stones of remembrance" were ones of Him failing me? But as the years have passed, and as I have gotten to know my God more intimately, I no longer look back at those stones of remembrance the same way. It's true Eden and Addy didn't come home. It's true adoptions in Liberia did not open back up. It's true I am not currently in a relationship with the daughter God gave me a mother's heart for. It's true the contract that I worked three years to complete is in jeopardy after only placing 5 waiting children in forever homes. But with mature eyes, I can see that in each and every one of those circumstances, I grew closer to God. He taught me a little each time about faith and trust. He showed me a new dimension of Himself in each journey we took. And really, I think that was His goal when He asked us to take the step of faith...not the outcome we sought!
So today as I sat and reflected on my weariness and all of the promises God has given over the past couple of years that seem to be empty, I cried out for a new Word of encouragement from the One I have grown to trust and love...and truly believe is good no matter what the circumstances of my life might say.
And just like Him, in His very personal, loving and intimate nature, He answered. After Gideon's rant about "where are you", God answers him with a sentence I know I have read multiple times but never saw before this morning. The Holy Spirit highlighted it as I read this morning. It says, "Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand. Am I not sending you?" In the strength you have - soothing balm to my weary soul! God knows I am tired. God knows I end each day with just enough energy - physically, emotionally and often spiritually - to climb in bed and lay down my head. And this morning He let me know, that's enough! Whatever you have, do what I have asked with what you have....it will be enough!
What are you facing today that seems overwhelming? Are you weary or defeated? Can I encourage you to face today with what you have? Do it tired. Do it afraid. Do it broke. Do it depressed. Whatever God is asking you to do this morning, do it with what you have, and at the end of the day, it will be enough if You are trusting in Him!
I am doing all I know to do. I am in the Word daily, praying almost hourly, crying out to God - often even out loud - through out the day as I have feelings of being overwhelmed and feel like the water is most definitely going over my head. So then the voices start accusing me of not having joy on top of all the other accusations that they have hurled at me throughout the day!
I shared with John that right now life feels like I get up, fail at being a good mother, fail at being a good wife, leave work with a bigger to-do list than I started with despite working my tail off all day, fail at health, fail at our finances....you get the picture. Then I go to bed defeated, wake up - sometimes with a fresh outlook sometimes with just enough strength to get out of bed - and do it all over again. There are moments of joy when a baby laughs and it makes me smile, or Journey has a new word he uses in the wrong context, or I see one of the older ones nurturing a relationship with a younger sibling, or John schedules me a massage....there are moments of joy, but overall, life is just extremely weary.
So as I look at school starting and entering the fall season where our schedule becomes double and triple booked most evenings, I almost faint with fear. I have been trying to gear up. Yet, it seems God's presence has been just beyond reach the past week. So today, I just sat down and cried out for a fresh Word from Him. I just sat in my chair with my coffee...just got still before Him and asked Him to speak.
I opened my Bible, and there was a book mark that took me to Judges. And plain as day I heard in my head "Judges 6". So I turn there and start reading. God promises when we seek Him we will find Him! And today I can testify that is true!
As I began to read Judges 6, I realized it is a very familiar story. One I had actually read not that long ago after hearing a teaching on Gideon and wanting to do more study on the back story. There is a part of Gideon's story that I can so relate with! In Judges 6:13, Gideon asks the angel of the Lord, "if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our fathers told us about when they said, 'Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt?' But now the Lord has abandoned us and put us into the hand of Midian." I have rants like that to God, John and sometimes poor intimate friends who catch me on a bad day! But God, where are the finances to provide for these children you asked me to care for? But God, if you are with us, why am I having to fight so hard to keep placing waiting children in homes? But God where is the money to pay for the adoption of these two babies? But God, where is the time to love and parent 8 children and run a ministry and fight for children? Where are all the promises you have given to me when we walked by faith?
Let me stop there and just say....every huge faith step that John and I have taken in the past almost 17 years have failed. Yes, failed. At least that is how it appears when looking at outcomes. If it didn't completely fail, then the outcome looked nothing like what we had thought it would when we stepped off that mountain into a free-fall of trust and faith into it! I can remember a few years ago when we were once again looking into the face of a huge faith journey. I just sat and cried asking God why all my "stones of remembrance" were ones of Him failing me? But as the years have passed, and as I have gotten to know my God more intimately, I no longer look back at those stones of remembrance the same way. It's true Eden and Addy didn't come home. It's true adoptions in Liberia did not open back up. It's true I am not currently in a relationship with the daughter God gave me a mother's heart for. It's true the contract that I worked three years to complete is in jeopardy after only placing 5 waiting children in forever homes. But with mature eyes, I can see that in each and every one of those circumstances, I grew closer to God. He taught me a little each time about faith and trust. He showed me a new dimension of Himself in each journey we took. And really, I think that was His goal when He asked us to take the step of faith...not the outcome we sought!
So today as I sat and reflected on my weariness and all of the promises God has given over the past couple of years that seem to be empty, I cried out for a new Word of encouragement from the One I have grown to trust and love...and truly believe is good no matter what the circumstances of my life might say.
And just like Him, in His very personal, loving and intimate nature, He answered. After Gideon's rant about "where are you", God answers him with a sentence I know I have read multiple times but never saw before this morning. The Holy Spirit highlighted it as I read this morning. It says, "Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand. Am I not sending you?" In the strength you have - soothing balm to my weary soul! God knows I am tired. God knows I end each day with just enough energy - physically, emotionally and often spiritually - to climb in bed and lay down my head. And this morning He let me know, that's enough! Whatever you have, do what I have asked with what you have....it will be enough!
What are you facing today that seems overwhelming? Are you weary or defeated? Can I encourage you to face today with what you have? Do it tired. Do it afraid. Do it broke. Do it depressed. Whatever God is asking you to do this morning, do it with what you have, and at the end of the day, it will be enough if You are trusting in Him!
Friday, August 1, 2014
The "Daily" of Discipleship
I have a blog post started about stepping into your calling
and saying “yes” when God calls you up to bat…or something like that. I am sure it’s a really good post, a really
good concept. But I haven’t had time to
finish it because my “yes” has pretty well kept me working day and night for
the past few weeks.
Which brings me to this….I won’t be finishing that post
today either. I am going to be really
honest right here. I wish I could turn
back. I wish I could go back to my
American dream life and not know what I know about the injustices to children
and the need for more to speak up. I
wish I could turn a deaf ear and a blind eye as so many do and go about my life
in order to make it more comfortable for me and my children. I wish if I was going to have to work at
something that took my time away from my children, it paid better than a
minimum wage job…or even minimum wage would be an improvement.
On a day that I had more people fighting with me than I have
since my days of fighting for children in Liberia, I should be encouraged and
on fire. In a week when I have now heard
two amazing teachings on attitude of thankfulness and a perspective of
half-full, I should be seeing my life through the blessings it holds. But can none of that is happening tonight as
I crawl in my bed.
Why? Well, there are many reasons, I am sure…none of which
really matter right now. So what now? Do
I really quit? Do I really give up? Do I stop just before the victory? Can I
really do this another day?
The answer is Yes, I can.
And the answer is, Yes, I will.
God promises His mercies are new every morning. In a season when my “yes” has taken me to a
whole new level of faith, trust and obedience, I am using all the mercies
available to me every day just to make it from the time I wake up to the time I
am able to finally close my eyes at night.
Luke 9:23 has come to mind many times in this new journey I find myself
on: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their
cross daily and follow me.” Being a
disciple of Jesus doesn’t mean being comfortable. It means denying myself! It means taking up
my cross... DAILY!
I did that today. Did
I do it with joy? No, I can’t say that I
did. But that DAILY means that I had a
choice this morning, and I chose to take up my cross….make the phone calls,
inform others about the need to speak up….and when I wake up in the morning I
will have the same choice.
So tonight as I go to bed, I can’t say that I am thrilled
with the cross I am carrying. But if
even Jesus could ask for the cup to be taken from Him, I think God understands my lack of enthusiasm at times for the cross He has asked me to carry right now. But just like
Jesus, and most importantly BECAUSE of Jesus, I have to say “but none the less,
not my will but Yours be done!”
**And as is par for the mood of the post, this is being uploaded the morning after because our internet is down...again...and the hot spot wouldn't turn on last night! :)
Saturday, July 12, 2014
10 years ago....
When we got home, there was a message from our adoption agency. That in and of itself was a red flag. They rarely returned phone calls or e-mails, so a call out of the clear blue telling us to call her was a sure thing something was wrong. You know how your mind immediately starts playing through the scenarios of what it could be....she couldn't find our documents we mailed her?...there was a mistake in some of the paperwork?...there were going to be more fees?...I was still very naive about adoption, especially international adoption. I knew by the tone of her voice it was probably more serious than paperwork, but nothing prepared me for the news that was about to be delivered. John made the phone call. John always paces when he talks on the phone...but this time I followed him trying to make sense of the one side of the conversation I was hearing. I wasn't getting much from "aha" and "yes" and "ok". Then he goes out the backdoor and puts his foot on it so that I couldn't come out. Then I knew something serious was happening. I am sure it wasn't more than 5 or maybe 10 minutes...but it seemed like an eternity. I watched him through the glass door. Finally he took the phone from his ear and turned toward me. When our eyes met, I knew whatever it was, it was serious.
He walked in the door and said, "Addy died." I am not sure how long I stood there. I heard the words, but I couldn't make sense of them in my mind. I asked him to say it again. The details were still sketchy, but from what we could piece together, she had contracted cholera from contaminated drinking water. She had died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. I was numb. I needed answers. I went to my computer and looked up Cholera. The words I read just brought anger! I had no idea what Cholera was...all she needed was an iv and an antibiotic. That's it. The lack of availability of those two simple medical provisions that I always took for granite was all that stood between life and death of my little girl.
I know it may seem impossible to be that emotionally invested or tied to a child you have only seen in a picture. And maybe it should be. But for anyone who has adopted, you know that the picture comes to life when God says, "She's yours, go get her!" I have not lost a child to death who has lived in my home, but I can tell you my mamma heart broke that day. First in grief and then in anger. I was mad at God. Why would you introduce us to them only months earlier, call me to be her mamma and then take her from me? Why are children dying of the denial of things that are common place in my country? How are children dying from contaminated water in this day and age? My heart broke for Eden who had just lost her twin...her only sibling from a mother who had died (or so we were told)!
It was her death and the sorting through it over the coming weeks that God would use to call John and I to found Addy's Hope Adoption Agency! We had no idea what we were doing, and truly, that is a huge understatement! We honestly just said, "Yes!" God has done the rest. We are truly an example of God using a "yes" because that was really all we had to offer in this area. I didn't know the slightest thing about running any business, much less a ministry. I sure didn't know the legal ins and outs of processing an adoption. But we said, "Yes!"
We could have never known what that yes would mean, and how God would use the life and death of one precious little girl to impact lives in a ripple that still has not stopped. There are 39 children, including our own son, who are no longer orphans in Liberian and Guatemala, but are in loving, Christian homes learning about the Savior who offers them eternal life! There are two children who are no longer orphans in the foster system, and three more about to be placed in their forever home with two other families waiting for the 5 children combined that they hope to adopt...and 5 more families who are in different parts of the training process in order to bring even more of God's children home!
I still feel most days like I am ill equipped and unable to do all that this ministry demands. And the fact is, outside of the anointing and direction of the Holy Spirit, I am! But today as I reflect on a life that seemed to be snuffed out way to quickly, there are some things that I know. While the remembrance still brings tears, I have learned that God is faithful even when He seems to be absent. I have learned that trusting that I hear Him and trusting that He is leading me will take me to places I could have never gone on my own. I have learned that there are times when following God will bring heart ache beyond what I could ever imagine, but even in the heart ache, He is there. He is faithful. He is worthy.
So today as I remember a little girl I never held in my arms, but will forever hold in my heart and who lives on in the lives of every child touched through Addy's Hope Adoption Agency, I choose to not just morn her death, but celebrate her life! Addy Girl, you inspired me to follow God on a journey that has been far beyond all I could have hoped or imagined! You stand as a reminder that we, the Body of Christ, have an obligation to those who are less fortunate. You remind me that only by the grace of God was I born in a country where clean drinking water and medical care is available to all. You remind me that the battle for children is worth it! Baby girl, I can't wait to hold you in heaven...until then keep dancing with Jesus!
Thursday, July 3, 2014
The Call that Changed our lives...one year ago
One year ago John answered a call from his dad that would set in motion a course of events that would forever change our lives. Rewind to a little less than 48 hours before the call....
We had been walking in relationship with Paizley since a few weeks before DJ was born. We were trying to preserve relationship. We still didn't agree with most of what was happening in her life, but we were trying desperately to keep relationship over anything. We had even welcomed the boyfriend who had snuck our daughter out of her window numerous times to take her from our home, the boyfriend who had been arrested for going at John physically. We knew he was a lost soul. We knew he was doing what he had known to do. We made a decision to embrace them as a family for the sake of being in our daughter and our grandchildren's lives. After receiving a phone call that had confirmed my worst fears about the actual truth of the life my daughter and thus my grandchildren were living, I had gone to meet with her. We had come to some agreements. One of which was that if the man ever laid a hand on her again, she would call me and would make a plan for a life without him in order to protect herself and her children from any further abuse.
It wasn't even 48 hours later, 3:00 am, and my phone rings. It is the boyfriend. They are in a fight. He is telling me to come get her and the children. She wouldn't leave. I do my best to insure she and the kids were safe until I could make phone calls in the morning. If it's one thing I have learned over the past 3 and a half years it's that you can only help those who are willing and ready to help themselves. After a year of communicating my concerns of the safety of my granddaughter and then my grandson also to CPS, we finally had a meeting with all parties in one room where the lies were revealed. Truly the events of those few days could never have happened if not orchestrated by God. We watched as literally the curtain was pulled back and truth was revealed in a way that even CPS could not pretend to ignore it anymore.
It has been our goal since we found out Paizley was pregnant with Peighton to equip and empower her to parent her child. We firmly believe Peighton was given to Paizley as a gift from God to grow and nurture in His ways. However, we also knew in order for that to happen there were some decision and sacrifices that had to be made on her part. There was also much emotional healing that had to occur. We prayed daily and sometimes hourly for those things to happen.
As we sat in the meeting and CPS told Paizley she could keep her babies or she could keep the man, we knew she had no where to go without the man. John left the room to make phone calls. We called two local missions. One doesn't take teens, but was willing to talk to us because of the relationship we had with the founders and the volunteers. It was decided by all that really it was not equipped to handle what Paizley needed. The other mission was well equipped and would be an amazing opportunity for learning how to be a mom, how to earn and keep a job and for healing that would be necessary to be the mom she needed to be. This is a mission that usually has a waiting list! But as God would orchestrate, they had a bed open! However, with the holiday, they would not be able to approve an application for a few days. Which ended up being a mute point because after the rules became known, she decided that wasn't the place for her. So John's parents graciously agreed to allow Paizley and the two babies to move in with them until we could find a permanent place. And in all honesty, they were contemplating allowing her to remain there long term if needed.
But then the call came. Even with everything we had been through in the last two and a half years, I never expected this call. Still, to this day, I cannot wrap my head around the news we received in the call. John's dad called to tell us that Paizley had called CPS and told them to get the babies because she was going back. She was leaving her babies to return to the man who was abusing her. Truly, I couldn't understand. I cried, I screamed, I shook my fist at God, and I begged Him for wisdom and guidance on what next. John got on the phone to CPS, had to threaten to go to the media with what we knew of the case before we could talk to the person making the decisions, but when he finally spoke to her, she informed us CPS would be seeking custody of our grandchildren as soon as they and courts opened back up after the holidays because there was no one there to do anything at 4:30 pm on July 3. She informed us that we, as grandparents, could hire an attorney and petition the court for custody. We had already been told by the original CPS worker that she would not place the grand babies in our home because we had "too many kids" and instead would place them in the home they had been in for most of the past year where they would be in no less harm than they had been the entire time....with a caretaker whom we had been told couldn't watch Peighton for three hours a day for Paizley to go to school but would now be full time care giver for a not yet 11 month and a 3 week infants.
Rewind to the night before. It was the first time since the events had happened that John and I had been alone and could really digest what the future might hold. Neither one of us could really wrap our heads around what life would look like with a 3, 2,1 and newborn along with our other 4 kids. We talked about how our family had already been hemorrhaging over all the events of the past 2 years, and had just felt like we had just now stopped the bleeding. This would most likely start the hemorrhaging again. Surely that can't be what we are to do?! We couldn't fathom the financial responsibility of two more children along with the legal fees they would bring. And on the other hand, I couldn't come close to settling in my heart that my grand children would enter the system I knew was so broken and very ill equipped to ensure their care and protection. I kept going back to the times when Paizley was pregnant, and I stood in her room saying, "This baby will not grow up the way you did. There are two ways for that to happen. You raise her in a new life or someone else raises her. Let's work toward you raising her in a new life!" I said I would never raise my grand children. I wasn't ready to be a Mimi, but I didn't want to raise them as mine either. I wanted my daughter to raise them. I wanted to invite them over for sleep overs so my daughter could have break. But that decision was out of my hands.
John hangs up the phone and tells me the news. What do we want to do? We agree to call an attorney to find out what we can do. We find one who will agree to work the 4th to draft papers to petition the court on Friday the 5th for custody. We agreed this was what God was asking us to do. We had no answers. We didn't know how it would all work. We didn't know where the $6,000 we had just been told we would need to get this done would come from. All we knew was God said, go get your babies. And we did.
My father-in-law in great wisdom talks to my daughter for the hour drive back to the abusive boyfriend. He stops before getting to the spot where she wants to be left with him. He once again asks if this is what she wants even if it means she may lose her babies. She nods and he starts up again.
An army of people stepped in at this point to provide for two children now abandoned. My in-laws spent 48 hours charged with the safety and responsibility of these two babies until we could get court papers. We went and spent the day to help them, another angel friend came over and stayed to help when we weren't there. Our friends started collecting baby items as we had gotten rid of everything feeling pretty certain we were done with babies. And on July 5, we were awarded custody by a court due to evidence of abuse and neglect. We received a very wounded not yet 11 month old and a starving 3 week old. He ate every three hours around the clock and gained much needed weight to get him back up to and beyond his birth weight. Peighton had spent her entire life in the arms of her mother. Now she didn't have her. She didn't want to be consoled. She didn't know how to be consoled. She would sit and rock with her blanket back and forth. She would scream, but wouldn't let us console. She would pull away when we tried to pick her up.
I look back on the past year, and truly, I am amazed we survived. I look back and while I know my other children had to sacrifice, I know they are better people for having walked the path. I look at them now with Peighton and DJ and see the love and nurture they give them..and are starting to get back in return and I know they understand caring for the hurt and the least of these. We have a long way to go to healing - for all of us. There are days I think we will never make it. But when I look at where we were a year ago, I can't help but be encouraged. It is in these times I have to not look at where we have yet to go, but look at where we have come from! And when I see the progress we have made, when I see the God that has carried us, I know by faith that we can make it.
So today I choose to not let it be a day of defeat. As we come up on one year of caring for 8 children in our home with four being toddlers and under...as I look at my 2 one year olds (you should NEVER be able to day that by the way :) ), I choose to keep my eyes on Him. I choose to believe that what the enemy has tried to steal from my family God will redeem! I know that we are redeeming a generation! I will not let the enemy steal what God has given to me to restore.
And as we celebrate Independence Day this year with our now 8 children, I will celebrate freedom on many levels! I thank God that Truth sets us free and when that happens, we are free indeed!
We had been walking in relationship with Paizley since a few weeks before DJ was born. We were trying to preserve relationship. We still didn't agree with most of what was happening in her life, but we were trying desperately to keep relationship over anything. We had even welcomed the boyfriend who had snuck our daughter out of her window numerous times to take her from our home, the boyfriend who had been arrested for going at John physically. We knew he was a lost soul. We knew he was doing what he had known to do. We made a decision to embrace them as a family for the sake of being in our daughter and our grandchildren's lives. After receiving a phone call that had confirmed my worst fears about the actual truth of the life my daughter and thus my grandchildren were living, I had gone to meet with her. We had come to some agreements. One of which was that if the man ever laid a hand on her again, she would call me and would make a plan for a life without him in order to protect herself and her children from any further abuse.
It wasn't even 48 hours later, 3:00 am, and my phone rings. It is the boyfriend. They are in a fight. He is telling me to come get her and the children. She wouldn't leave. I do my best to insure she and the kids were safe until I could make phone calls in the morning. If it's one thing I have learned over the past 3 and a half years it's that you can only help those who are willing and ready to help themselves. After a year of communicating my concerns of the safety of my granddaughter and then my grandson also to CPS, we finally had a meeting with all parties in one room where the lies were revealed. Truly the events of those few days could never have happened if not orchestrated by God. We watched as literally the curtain was pulled back and truth was revealed in a way that even CPS could not pretend to ignore it anymore.
It has been our goal since we found out Paizley was pregnant with Peighton to equip and empower her to parent her child. We firmly believe Peighton was given to Paizley as a gift from God to grow and nurture in His ways. However, we also knew in order for that to happen there were some decision and sacrifices that had to be made on her part. There was also much emotional healing that had to occur. We prayed daily and sometimes hourly for those things to happen.
As we sat in the meeting and CPS told Paizley she could keep her babies or she could keep the man, we knew she had no where to go without the man. John left the room to make phone calls. We called two local missions. One doesn't take teens, but was willing to talk to us because of the relationship we had with the founders and the volunteers. It was decided by all that really it was not equipped to handle what Paizley needed. The other mission was well equipped and would be an amazing opportunity for learning how to be a mom, how to earn and keep a job and for healing that would be necessary to be the mom she needed to be. This is a mission that usually has a waiting list! But as God would orchestrate, they had a bed open! However, with the holiday, they would not be able to approve an application for a few days. Which ended up being a mute point because after the rules became known, she decided that wasn't the place for her. So John's parents graciously agreed to allow Paizley and the two babies to move in with them until we could find a permanent place. And in all honesty, they were contemplating allowing her to remain there long term if needed.
But then the call came. Even with everything we had been through in the last two and a half years, I never expected this call. Still, to this day, I cannot wrap my head around the news we received in the call. John's dad called to tell us that Paizley had called CPS and told them to get the babies because she was going back. She was leaving her babies to return to the man who was abusing her. Truly, I couldn't understand. I cried, I screamed, I shook my fist at God, and I begged Him for wisdom and guidance on what next. John got on the phone to CPS, had to threaten to go to the media with what we knew of the case before we could talk to the person making the decisions, but when he finally spoke to her, she informed us CPS would be seeking custody of our grandchildren as soon as they and courts opened back up after the holidays because there was no one there to do anything at 4:30 pm on July 3. She informed us that we, as grandparents, could hire an attorney and petition the court for custody. We had already been told by the original CPS worker that she would not place the grand babies in our home because we had "too many kids" and instead would place them in the home they had been in for most of the past year where they would be in no less harm than they had been the entire time....with a caretaker whom we had been told couldn't watch Peighton for three hours a day for Paizley to go to school but would now be full time care giver for a not yet 11 month and a 3 week infants.
Rewind to the night before. It was the first time since the events had happened that John and I had been alone and could really digest what the future might hold. Neither one of us could really wrap our heads around what life would look like with a 3, 2,1 and newborn along with our other 4 kids. We talked about how our family had already been hemorrhaging over all the events of the past 2 years, and had just felt like we had just now stopped the bleeding. This would most likely start the hemorrhaging again. Surely that can't be what we are to do?! We couldn't fathom the financial responsibility of two more children along with the legal fees they would bring. And on the other hand, I couldn't come close to settling in my heart that my grand children would enter the system I knew was so broken and very ill equipped to ensure their care and protection. I kept going back to the times when Paizley was pregnant, and I stood in her room saying, "This baby will not grow up the way you did. There are two ways for that to happen. You raise her in a new life or someone else raises her. Let's work toward you raising her in a new life!" I said I would never raise my grand children. I wasn't ready to be a Mimi, but I didn't want to raise them as mine either. I wanted my daughter to raise them. I wanted to invite them over for sleep overs so my daughter could have break. But that decision was out of my hands.
John hangs up the phone and tells me the news. What do we want to do? We agree to call an attorney to find out what we can do. We find one who will agree to work the 4th to draft papers to petition the court on Friday the 5th for custody. We agreed this was what God was asking us to do. We had no answers. We didn't know how it would all work. We didn't know where the $6,000 we had just been told we would need to get this done would come from. All we knew was God said, go get your babies. And we did.
My father-in-law in great wisdom talks to my daughter for the hour drive back to the abusive boyfriend. He stops before getting to the spot where she wants to be left with him. He once again asks if this is what she wants even if it means she may lose her babies. She nods and he starts up again.
An army of people stepped in at this point to provide for two children now abandoned. My in-laws spent 48 hours charged with the safety and responsibility of these two babies until we could get court papers. We went and spent the day to help them, another angel friend came over and stayed to help when we weren't there. Our friends started collecting baby items as we had gotten rid of everything feeling pretty certain we were done with babies. And on July 5, we were awarded custody by a court due to evidence of abuse and neglect. We received a very wounded not yet 11 month old and a starving 3 week old. He ate every three hours around the clock and gained much needed weight to get him back up to and beyond his birth weight. Peighton had spent her entire life in the arms of her mother. Now she didn't have her. She didn't want to be consoled. She didn't know how to be consoled. She would sit and rock with her blanket back and forth. She would scream, but wouldn't let us console. She would pull away when we tried to pick her up.
I look back on the past year, and truly, I am amazed we survived. I look back and while I know my other children had to sacrifice, I know they are better people for having walked the path. I look at them now with Peighton and DJ and see the love and nurture they give them..and are starting to get back in return and I know they understand caring for the hurt and the least of these. We have a long way to go to healing - for all of us. There are days I think we will never make it. But when I look at where we were a year ago, I can't help but be encouraged. It is in these times I have to not look at where we have yet to go, but look at where we have come from! And when I see the progress we have made, when I see the God that has carried us, I know by faith that we can make it.
So today I choose to not let it be a day of defeat. As we come up on one year of caring for 8 children in our home with four being toddlers and under...as I look at my 2 one year olds (you should NEVER be able to day that by the way :) ), I choose to keep my eyes on Him. I choose to believe that what the enemy has tried to steal from my family God will redeem! I know that we are redeeming a generation! I will not let the enemy steal what God has given to me to restore.
And as we celebrate Independence Day this year with our now 8 children, I will celebrate freedom on many levels! I thank God that Truth sets us free and when that happens, we are free indeed!
Monday, June 23, 2014
Really, I don't go looking for fights.....
I know most people probably read my blog and Facebook posts and think I walk around looking for fights to jump into! Really, I promise, I don't! Maybe in my younger days when my passions were still needing MUCH sanctification, but not now that I am older and really have learned to dislike conflict I would just as soon go about my day minding my own business as to get into a fight. BUT...because God has made me with this passion...and with this inability to let injustice go unnoticed, I find myself...like today...fighting when all I wanted to do was get my exercise!
I never walk in the afternoon, so the timing now has me shaking my head at God. I had some work I wanted to make sure got done, and my days tend to get away from me quickly, or some emergency pops up that has to be handled. So I got my work done before my walk which put me leaving about 1:30. I started not to go..rain showers this morning meant it was way muggy...but determined to get this weight off and having NO KIDS at home today, I decided a walk would be good!
I was at about the first mile marker. I was minding my own business...listening to my Bethel sermon as Bill Johnson was starting to pray for people to have torment removed from their life when I see quite a ways down a couple. I couldn't tell if they were teens or young adults. But it was obvious by the dancing they were doing that they were in a fight. So I slowed my pace and removed my ear-buds so I could watch and listen. She took off, he called her back. He jumped up and down some more. She walked off...he stood there a minute, then took off at a full run towards her. I cleared the area from behind the fence just in time to see her turn toward him where he ripped the sunglasses off her face and threw them on the ground shattering them. So I hollered, 'Hey! You! Get away from her!" He runs back to me at full speed....I'm thinking, now what?! But at the same time totally calm. Amazing what knowing you are walking in the power and protection of the Holy Spirit will do!
He starts talking 90 to nothing..."I didn't mean it...it's not what you think...I bought those glasses....my dad beat my mom....just stand here and talk to me..." I kept trying to give my response to each of those, but he just kept talking....when he said that I stopped and said, "I will stand her and talk to you all day long, but you lay one more finger on that girl and I will call the police." She hears that and comes running over, "no don't call anyone. He didn't mean it. It runs in his family. He bought me the glasses."
I finally got her to go home after telling her it's NEVER ok for a man to be aggressive with you while he asked me to help him look for the ring she had evidently thrown in the grass that he had just given her. He said he would call his mom so I could talk to her if I didn't call the police. I stood there...then he took off. So I posted it on our neighborhood FB page. No details. Just a description and the glasses being ripped off part so that hopefully the parents of at least the girl can contact me and I can share with them what I saw so they can know what is going on.
I know some would say I might should've stayed out of it. Well, let me tell you, when you have a daughter who you know is getting the living daylights beat out of her on a regular basis, you tend to look at situations like that and not have the ability to walk away. I think I would have intervened on that level even before having an abused daughter, but now, any young man...or man....who wants to act in an aggressive or abusive way in front of me to any female, better get ready! You can ask my boys, if they hit one of their sisters, they get the wrath of their mother and they have a consequence and they get the lecture...I know we're not supposed to lecture...they get the lecture of how a man should ALWAYS treat a lady! Maybe nothing would've happened beyond what did. But I know there were other people closer than me just watching it happen. I wasn't ok with that. Why? Because when my daughter was being drug through a parking lot by her hair, I wish someone would have knocked the living daylights out of that jerk! When he had his hands around her throat cutting off her air supply while she was pregnant, I wish someone would have stopped him! I still wish someone would intervene!
That teen was someone's daughter. I don't know if they think that is acceptable behavior for her boyfriend or not, but it's not in my books, and I was the one who was there. So I stepped in...to the fight....all I was doing was going for a walk!
I never walk in the afternoon, so the timing now has me shaking my head at God. I had some work I wanted to make sure got done, and my days tend to get away from me quickly, or some emergency pops up that has to be handled. So I got my work done before my walk which put me leaving about 1:30. I started not to go..rain showers this morning meant it was way muggy...but determined to get this weight off and having NO KIDS at home today, I decided a walk would be good!
I was at about the first mile marker. I was minding my own business...listening to my Bethel sermon as Bill Johnson was starting to pray for people to have torment removed from their life when I see quite a ways down a couple. I couldn't tell if they were teens or young adults. But it was obvious by the dancing they were doing that they were in a fight. So I slowed my pace and removed my ear-buds so I could watch and listen. She took off, he called her back. He jumped up and down some more. She walked off...he stood there a minute, then took off at a full run towards her. I cleared the area from behind the fence just in time to see her turn toward him where he ripped the sunglasses off her face and threw them on the ground shattering them. So I hollered, 'Hey! You! Get away from her!" He runs back to me at full speed....I'm thinking, now what?! But at the same time totally calm. Amazing what knowing you are walking in the power and protection of the Holy Spirit will do!
He starts talking 90 to nothing..."I didn't mean it...it's not what you think...I bought those glasses....my dad beat my mom....just stand here and talk to me..." I kept trying to give my response to each of those, but he just kept talking....when he said that I stopped and said, "I will stand her and talk to you all day long, but you lay one more finger on that girl and I will call the police." She hears that and comes running over, "no don't call anyone. He didn't mean it. It runs in his family. He bought me the glasses."
I finally got her to go home after telling her it's NEVER ok for a man to be aggressive with you while he asked me to help him look for the ring she had evidently thrown in the grass that he had just given her. He said he would call his mom so I could talk to her if I didn't call the police. I stood there...then he took off. So I posted it on our neighborhood FB page. No details. Just a description and the glasses being ripped off part so that hopefully the parents of at least the girl can contact me and I can share with them what I saw so they can know what is going on.
I know some would say I might should've stayed out of it. Well, let me tell you, when you have a daughter who you know is getting the living daylights beat out of her on a regular basis, you tend to look at situations like that and not have the ability to walk away. I think I would have intervened on that level even before having an abused daughter, but now, any young man...or man....who wants to act in an aggressive or abusive way in front of me to any female, better get ready! You can ask my boys, if they hit one of their sisters, they get the wrath of their mother and they have a consequence and they get the lecture...I know we're not supposed to lecture...they get the lecture of how a man should ALWAYS treat a lady! Maybe nothing would've happened beyond what did. But I know there were other people closer than me just watching it happen. I wasn't ok with that. Why? Because when my daughter was being drug through a parking lot by her hair, I wish someone would have knocked the living daylights out of that jerk! When he had his hands around her throat cutting off her air supply while she was pregnant, I wish someone would have stopped him! I still wish someone would intervene!
That teen was someone's daughter. I don't know if they think that is acceptable behavior for her boyfriend or not, but it's not in my books, and I was the one who was there. So I stepped in...to the fight....all I was doing was going for a walk!
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Losing Children....but finding God
It's a bit ironic now that the child who was the tie breaker for children lost versus children held is now, for the present, a child lost. We have not shared the details of our families journey over the past four and a half years. I doubt we will ever share the intimate details of it on a public forum such as this. However, as we come to the close of at least part of this chapter and enter into a new one, I feel God releasing me to share a bit more of what has occurred along this path. I am a bit afraid to share. It is raw. It is still new and very real pain. I don't yet have a file to put all the emotions, thoughts and feelings that often break through my mind and heart at weird times throughout a day, often taking me by total surprise. But I have a friend who is a blogger who recently shared her story of infertility on her blog. She is a BIG TIME blogger, so her story was read by thousands - and that means even more who can potentially criticize or remark on her pain. But she talked about how she had to be BRAVE to share her story. And as I have thought of opening up about this part of our lives and the ridicule that could possibly come, I thought of my friend. She was Brave.....so I have that song playing now as I type.
You make me brave
You make me brave
You called me beyond the shore
Into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now
The love that made a way (From You Make Me Brave by Bethel Music)
You make me brave
You called me beyond the shore
Into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now
The love that made a way (From You Make Me Brave by Bethel Music)
It is fitting! No fear can hinder now the love that made a way! Fear. It was the biggest emotion I had when it became clear God was asking us to add a 15 year old girl to our family. I remember vividly sitting on my couch in my living room, tears rolling down my face, looking John in the eyes and choking out between sobs...."I know we are supposed to do this - bring this girl, this teenager into our home - but I can't! I can't even fathom bringing one more person into this home that needs me. I can't imagine one more person needing me to provide for them emotionally....and I know that a 15 year old coming out of the foster system is going to have a few more emotional needs than a 'typical' teenager. I know God is telling us we are supposed to do this, but I am telling you, I can't!" That was the first time I had ever known God was telling me to do something, and I just could see absolutely NO way for it to happen! Remember, I am the visionary! But God makes a way where there is no way! "No fear can hinder now the love that made a way!"Over the next two weeks He would speak to me through songs, sermons, even fiction books I picked up. The one thing that stands out the most was hearing a speaker from Stop Child Trafficking Now explain how trafficking is happening in our cities right now. I sat with tears rolling down my face and silent sobs racking my body as I thought of the beautiful face of this little girl God had asked me to take as my daughter. Without a family, without intervention she was a prime target for these sick people!
I don't really know how it happened. I don't really remember a moment when it became ok. I just know that I went from that place on my couch saying "I can't" to driving in a car to meet my new daughter. I wasn't afraid anymore. Sure, I was nervous...I was meeting a TEENAGER who was going to be my daughter for the first time! Was I wearing the right thing, would I say the right thing? Would she want us as much as I wanted her? God took me past fear to excitement and pure joy about adding a teen daughter to my family...and in those two weeks is also when we discovered baby number 7 would be arriving in about 9 months! Life was exciting and full of hope!
Fast forward to now. Thinking back on that "fear" knowing where the journey has taken us makes that word almost laughable. I don't guess I ever really thought I would lose a child in any of the ways we've lost. My introduction to motherhood was drastically interrupted by a miscarriage at 13 weeks. Four years later we would start a journey to bring home the twins I had always dreamed of having! We would lose Addy to cholera before we ever got to meet her, and Eden would be our daughter but not get to come home due to the illegal processing of her adoption by the agency we were working with. At that point the count was children in our arms 2, children in our hearts but never to be in our arms 3. Loss was winning....
Few know that there was a precious little boy named Edwin that we were in the process of bringing home from Liberia not long after Ava was born. In fact, they would have been "twins". However, his parents returned to the orphanage to take him back home. That was a bitter sweet loss. We were thankful he was able to return to his parents! That is always the hope for us with biological parents who are safe for children. So we were overjoyed that they had found a way to care for him. However, we had already loved him in our hearts as our son. Children in our arms 3, children lost 4. Loss was winning....
Then of course our precious Toben did come home! His name means "believing God is good". He got that name because after all the loss, taking the step to adopt again internationally was almost more than I could take. I had to make the conscious decision to believe God was good when on most days I didn't know if I really believed that or not....but if I didn't believe it, I wanted to....and so we were 4 to 4.
Madison would burst into our lives without us knowing whether she would stay or go. We were open to whatever role God had for us. It was a bitter sweet journey, and I sobbed as the judge read that her mother had relinquished her rights, and we would be adopting her. I was overjoyed to be her forever mommy, but it is never easy to hear mother's connection to her biological child has been severed. It's just not natural. And then there was B-man! Oh, that boy! He still brings a smile to my face! He is the one we had to let go....he was the only foster baby we had that left our home. We knew when he came that he would not stay. But it doesn't make the good-bye any easier. And so we were at 5 to hold and 5 let go.
Then came Paizley. She would tip us to the winning side! We finally held more than we lost...and one more was on the way! The losing streak was broken...or so I thought.
Of all the ways we have lost children, this is the hardest. This is the one I find the fewest words for. This is the one that brings more anger than any other. This is the one that leaves me with more questions unanswered than all those before. This is the one that brings healing only to rip off the scab and the bleeding begins again. This is the one that has impacted every. single. family. member. This is the one that threatened to steel away my other children with it. This is the one that tried to make my call in life invalid and worthless. This one, this one has torn my heart in more pieces than I thought possible...and this is the one that has left the most fear in it's wake. It's the one that won't end.
Tonight, as I was walking and listening to a testimony of a father about his daughter - a daughter he lost first to the ways of the world only to get her back just before a car wreck would take her life. When you have a child that chooses to walk away from all that you offer, all that you are to pursue a self-destructive life, there are no words for what that does. I never dreamed I would know how that felt. I don't think any parent starts their parenting journey preparing or planning to lose their children in any of the ways we have lost, but most certainly not in this way. You have hopes and dreams for your child. When a child dies, those die with them. When a child walks away from you, those dreams you have for them don't die....they just get twisted, mutilated and broken every minute of every day. Every time you see a friend of theirs from when your child was with you and that friend is living the life you dreamed for your child, and suddenly, the reality of where your child's choices have taken them washes over you, the bleeding starts again.
Tonight was one of those nights for me. The bleeding wouldn't stop! As I heard the father talk about his daughter, I wondered if I would get my daughter back before I attend her funeral. But it doesn't stop with her. I realized that losing a daughter to the ways of the world has put a fear in my heart. Fear does not usually have a place in my life. But as I walked tonight, the tears came, the sobs once again racked my body as I thought of my other children. The next two oldest are coming into the years when I need to give them wings. They need to be allowed to dive out of the nest and figure out how to let their wings catch them on the currents and bring them back up into the sky. I can't lose another! I can't imagine my heart surviving one more child choosing to walk away from all we know and believe in, all we stand for in our family to pursue a life of self destruction.
And then I think of my Heavenly Father. He never forces me to choose Him. How many times do I turn my back on all He has taught me? How many times will I walk away from all He stands for....all He died for? He doesn't judge me by those who went before me and chose the world over Him...and He doesn't judge me on yesterday when I chose self destructive behaviors over His love and forgiveness.
I have always said that adopting my children has taught me more about my spiritual adoption as God's daughter than any Bible study, sermon and scripture alone ever could. And now, walking out a relationship with a child who is living in total contradiction to what we taught, believe and stand for is teaching me more than any Bible study, sermon and scripture alone ever could about the heart of my Heavenly Father for me...and the deep, deep sorrow my sin brings Him.
I have sat many nights and asked why? Why her? There are over 13,000 children in the state of Texas who needed a forever family. Why the one who tore our family apart and continues to threaten the safety of our family even today? Why, God? Why would a "good" God ask us to do that? I mean if we are going to keep it real on here, then let's not sugar coat what saying "yes" has really meant in our home.
And every time I ask Him, I get the same answer. First, is because He loves her! He gave her something she had asked Him for....right down to the size and brothers and sisters she wanted! Second, because He loves her. He gave her an opportunity for a future that she would not have had without the adoption. Does that story line sound familiar? But the truth is, she didn't want what He, what we, had to offer. At least not right now. Do you know anyone who has not wanted what Jesus offers us with His death and resurrection? Coming into our family had some sacrifices. It meant saying no to some things that seemed like fun. It meant trusting that we knew more than she did about what was best for her future. Sound familiar again? Sin looks so fun! But God knows what is best for our future and that is why He tells us to avoid those things that won't allow us to have His best.
So why did He ask us to take in her? Why did he ask us to take in the one out of 13,000 when so many would have taken this opportunity and literally transformed their lives? Because He chose her! My prayer is someday she will understand that! But in this journey, God has taught me that in the same way He chose her to be in our family, He chose me when He went to the cross! So when the thoughts come that take my off guard, when the questions that still don't have answers bombard my mind and threaten to rob me of peace, I choose to think on the cross! I refuse to let loss win! And when I look at that in the face...I can't help but dance...and Bethel put it into words perfectly....
You steady me
Slow and sweet we sway
Take the lead and I will follow
Finally ready now
To close my eyes and just believe
That you won’t lead me where you don’t go
When my faith gets tired
And my hope seems lost
You spin me round and round
And remind me of that song
The one you wrote for me
And we dance
And we dance
I’ve been told
To pick up my sword
And fight for love
Little did I know
That love had won for me
Here in your arms
You still my heart again
And I breathe you in
Like I’ve never breathed till now
And I will lock eyes
With the one who’s ransomed me
The one who gave me joy from mourning
And I will lock eyes
With the one who’s chosen me
The one who set my feet to dancing
We dance
Just you and me
It’s nice to know
I’m not alone
I’ve found my home here in your arms
Slow and sweet we sway
Take the lead and I will follow
Finally ready now
To close my eyes and just believe
That you won’t lead me where you don’t go
When my faith gets tired
And my hope seems lost
You spin me round and round
And remind me of that song
The one you wrote for me
And we dance
And we dance
I’ve been told
To pick up my sword
And fight for love
Little did I know
That love had won for me
Here in your arms
You still my heart again
And I breathe you in
Like I’ve never breathed till now
And I will lock eyes
With the one who’s ransomed me
The one who gave me joy from mourning
And I will lock eyes
With the one who’s chosen me
The one who set my feet to dancing
We dance
Just you and me
It’s nice to know
I’m not alone
I’ve found my home here in your arms
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