Pure joy.....getting there

Ok, I posted a few days ago (if I was really good, I would link it here, but I haven't totally figured all that out yet!) about the pure joy scripture. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance" -James 1:1-2 That post described my inability to see my current struggle, which you now know is depression, as a joy.

But over the past week, God has met me in the pit! This morning, I can say that this struggle is pure joy! Not because I love being depressed but because at the end of myself, in the bottom of the pit, there is no where to go but to the arms of my Savior, my Best Friend, my Redeemer, my Strong Tower. I am totally out of the way, and He can speak more clearly. He can whisper, and I hear Him. I am forced to be still, cease striving, sit quietly, stop spinning around, and know Him...know He is God!

One of the most profound understandings I have learned from my current pastor is the difference between knowledge and wisdom. I have known for some time that knowledge "puffs you up" (1 Cor 8:1), but wisdom is the beginning of the fear of the Lord; yet I was never really sure what was the difference. Patrick always describes it as head knowledge (knowledge) and heart knowledge (wisdom). In order for a truth to become real, to pass from your head knowledge to heart knowledge where it takes root in the inner being of your soul, where it transforms us, we must experience that truth in life. As I have walked through the past four to five months (or really the last 3 years), much of my head knowledge has become heart knowledge!

So many things that I wrestled with about walking this earth as a Christ Follower and the character of God has been revealed to me in this time in "the pit". I will try to share some of these with you over the next few days.

The first one is the understanding of "salvation".

After Eden's adoption, trust of God was my biggest issue. I had stepped out in faith. I had heard his still small voice, sacrificed "my" desires for His, and "all it got me was heartache". My husband blamed me for the financial state we were in since our $15,000 adoption of two children (which with the tax credit would eventually be free) had turned into a $30,000+ non-adoption with no tax credit. My family who hadn't been too keen on the idea to begin with now really thought I was nuts. I had to watch my 5 year old wrestle with losing two sisters she already loved more than I ever dreamed she would (she still says we have SIX children!). I was ready to walk away from God. I actually told God I was finished. I know my salvation is sealed. I didn't do anything to earn it and I can't do anything to have it removed. So I came to the conclusion that I would live like so many Christians that I saw around me. I would walk in the security of eternal salvation, but my life here on this earth would be about me. I told myself there were no more rules. For the first time in my life (at least to my knowledge), I was open to willful sin (I know I sin daily, but I was always too scared of the wrath of my parents and then of God to "willfully" do any "big" sin!). I told myself I could leave John; I could have lipo suction and get a boob job; I could buy anything I wanted; I could find a man that made me feel good and just have an affair; I could go back to work so that we had money to do all the above. You name it, I thought it! Nothing was off limits! If I thought it would make me happy and ease the pain in my heart, I could do it! If it would "feel good", I could go for it! I was not talking to people in my life that I knew would speak truth. I didn't want to hear it! I didn't want them to tell me what I already knew (in my head only)! I was mad at God! I felt abandoned by Him. I knew the Bible said He would never leave me nor forsake me (head knowledge), but my heart was telling me that was a lie.

However, right before I left for Sierra Leone, a friend had invited me to do an on-line book club with her. The book was Captivating. They had started it while I was in Africa, but I had decided to try and catch up when I got back. John had accepted a contract to teach a week long course at his Alma matter in Dallas, so a few days after returning from Sierra Leone, I was in a hotel room in Dallas with a five year old and four year old. We spent a lot of time at the park, and they would nap in the afternoons. So this left lots of time for thinking. Something I really didn't want to do right then. But reading Captivating made me think. A lot of that book was very hard for me to read (for reasons not related to the adoption), but there was an underlying theme that kept me intrigued. There is a "beautiful woman" that is described several times in the book. As I wrestled with what would make me "happy", what I wanted out of this life (remember, no rules at this point), this "beautiful woman" is what kept coming to mind. This "beautiful woman" was described as being so confident of herself in Christ that when you talked to her, your soul could "breath". That she had such a peace about her that women were drawn to her because she was a place of rest for them. As I wrestled with my "happiness" I realized that what I wanted most in this world was to be that woman! Even with no rules, my heart's desire was to be that "beautiful woman". As soon as I realized that, a still, small voice said, "and just how are you going to be that woman with out Me?". And that started my journey back to God.