Trust Without Borders: When You Start to Sink

There is an amazing song by Hillsong that has been popular now for a year or more.  It goes like this:

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

We heard Him call us out upon the waters!  Two years ago today, we received a phone call that would forever change the course of our family.  Our daughter was leaving our grandchildren, then 3 weeks and 11 months old, with John's parents and returning to an abusive relationship.  CPS would be taking the children into custody the following Monday (it was a Wednesday & everything was shutting down for the July 4th holiday).  John and I had just talked the night before about "what ifs".  We both agreed that bringing these two babies into our home would require drastic sacrifice for our other 6 children.  Children who had already sacrificed much over the last two years as we had navigated life while adding three children and two grand-babies to our family! I already felt maxed out in every way - physically, emotionally and spiritually - & I knew they felt much the same. How in the world would I parent two more infants? How would we pay for two more children in diapers and still on formula?

The big girl in this picture, well she is amazing! 

But as soon as the call came in, God began to speak.  He illuminated every single step we were to take!  We learned we had legal rights that we had no idea we had...in fact had previously been told we did not have.  We heard God say, "Come to Me! Trust Me! Get out of the boat and walk this with me!" So we stepped out of the boat....onto the waters.

On July 5, a judge granted us temporary custody of our grand babies and we went from 6 children at home to 8! The ages were 13, almost 12, 8, 7, 3, just turned 2, 11 months, and 3 weeks! It really wasn't the "8" that was the problem.  It was the 3, 2, 11 months and 3 weeks that was a struggle!

The big boy in this picture, well he is amazing! 

You know when you take a huge leap of faith, there is a period of exhilaration that fuels you! Kind of like the adrenaline rush.  We had heard God and obeyed! It was fun trying to navigate our new life.  The older kids were excited about having the babies and helped out tremendously! We would keep sippee cup and diaper counts for each day just for fun....it was a ridiculous number for both!  Life seemed very surreal!  Friends brought donations by the car load...literally!  We were blessed beyond anything we could have hoped or imagined.  We were walking on water.

When we agreed to pursue custody, we never intended for it to be long term.  We fully believed that we would have them 6 months probably, a year at the maximum and they would go back to our daughter.  We believed it would be a wake-up call, and things would improve so that there was a safe environment for the children to return.

But days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months.  God would call us to keep expanding our trust borders even more and move 5 hours away from all support systems just one month after the babies moved in.  We had not been part of Ella's life for the first year, so she had no idea who we were.  The trauma in her life was extensive.  She pretty well screamed the majority of the time she was awake.  Most of the time she was inconsolable.  She would cry when you picked her up.  She would cry when you put her down. The first sell of our house would fall through, but we moved anyway because John had a start date and the school year was beginning.  So we moved with all the expenses that come with that (and in education, you don't get moving expenses), and we had to maintain two house payments for a couple of months.  John went to work, the older kids went to school, and I was left in a new house full of unpacked boxes, not knowing a single living soul, with four kids ages three and under.  Did you know you can't even go to the grocery store with that many small children as there is no where to put them all?!

It would begin what has become one of the darkest seasons of my life.  As I heard Oceans by Hillsong, the other day, I was struck by the lyrics as I reflected on the last two years.  God called me out up on the great unknown.  He asked us to trust Him, and we did.

So, what happened?!

Just like Peter, in those moments where we sank, I had taken my eyes off my Savior! The enemy had successfully stolen my joy and my abundant life making me angry and bitter with God for asking us to do something that was so hard, that literally took all I had every. single. day.  All I could think of was what my life would be like if we had not said yes to getting out of that boat.

You see, we had said yes to a life that required God's super on our natural to make it from morning to night.  And then, along the way, we had believed enough lies of the enemy that we began walking in the flesh.  We started looking around at the waves instead of focusing on the One who calms the storm.  We started letting circumstances be our guide instead of the faith that is sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see...the faith that it required to get out of the boat in the first place.

You can't say yes in faith and then remove your eyes from the Author and Perfector of your faith! You. Will. Sink.

What do you do then? You refocus.  You reclaim.  You recommit. Some days, I still go under water.  But those are usually the days that I hit snooze instead of getting out of bed and getting in the Word!

Last y ear!

When you start to sink, you also remember. You remember that this is a season! As we went to our small community's 4th of July celebration yesterday, we laughed.  We haven't done that as a family much the last few years.  We recalled last year's celebration when there were screams through most of it.  Which was pretty well our norm.  But this year, there were less screams and more giggles.  And next year, there will be even fewer screams and even more giggles...because this is a season!  And because healing is occurring...for all of us!

This year~ (The Sun was bright! :) )

As I start to find myself keeping my head above the water more and more, I think we will live again.  I am taking back the joy that is mine in Christ...even with a life that requires more than I think I have to give most days.  And on the days when I think it's "unfair" that He called me to this life, He gently reminds me that He gave his life for me, what then could be too much of him to ask? And He reminds me that my treasures are in heaven and not here on earth.  And I start to look around and see all that I have to be thankful for even in the midst of the chaos! I celebrate the small victories...like all of the kids were dressed in actual 4th of July clothes!  As silly as that sounds, it is a sign to me that I am beginning to be able to do the things that bring me joy in my life! Those little things have been beyond reach the last two years with all that just the daily tasks of life demanded.

Despite nearly drowning many times over the past two years, I am so thankfully when that call came in, we stepped out of the boat! It has forever changed me....and the little people that I call mine!

Just because she is so beautiful!

Just because he is so handsome!

From Mimi to Mommy

It is here. The day that I will officially go from Mimi to Mommy.  I have been in the role of mommy for some months now, but today it will be a legal, final title.

As John and I sat and talked about it, we both agreed that there are no words for the emotions.  This is our 5th time to go before officials and declare our desire to make a child not born to us our legal child as if they were.  There has always been such an excitement and grand anticipation of this day before.  But this time is different.  This time, that declaration carries with it such a heavy burden.

My road from Mimi to Mommy is a long and twisty one.  The road started with a simple nod.

"So, are you pregnant?" And then the head nod that would turn my world upside down.

It took time, but we worked through it.  We accepted that the daughter we had just taken in as our daughter, was now going to be a mother.  And we were going to be grandparents...at 38 years young! The months ahead were spent trying to prepare a young girl how to be a woman and mother.  I am sure we made many mistakes! But I know we did the best we could with what we knew and what we had to offer.  And I know above all else, that we went to God with every decision we had to make and every questions we had about what was next over those weeks and months!  He has been so faithful!  I held my daughter's hand as she gave birth to her daughter on July 18, 2012. It was an emotional day for all of us! No matter what our past was, a new life had been born!  A life God created with a purpose and a plan, a hope and future that was good! And a Mimi was born!

I would only get to love on my sweet girl for 5 weeks before she would leave our home when her mother ran away with her.  It was one of the darkest and most confusing times of my life.  Again, I am sure we made many mistakes, but we did the best we could with what we had and what we knew at that time.  I would kiss her sweet face as she slept in a car seat that her mother carried as she walked out of the police station a few days later not knowing when or if I would ever see them again.  I had to turn her totally and completely over to God! I would have worried myself into complete dysfunction if I had not just rolled her safety and well being over to God and left it with Him. Some days seemed unbearable.  Others just left me in a heap of tears with aching arms to hold my daughter and my grandbaby. 

We would only see her three or four times for just minutes at a time over the next 10 months.  When we did see her, we were strangers.  The joy of getting to see her was always met with the reality and heartbreak that she had no clue who we were!  It was an agonizing pain like none I had ever known.  And I was powerless to do anything about it.  During those months we heard through the grapevine that we were going to be grandparents again.

On June 11, 2013 I once again stood in a delivery room as a baby boy would enter this world!  He didn't want to breathe at first.  I stood over him while he was in the warmer speaking life and praying complete health over him as nursery nurses were called up in case he became distressed.  After what seemed like an eternity, they allowed us to hold him and felt confident he was going to be just fine. 

We spent the next three weeks trying to build a relationship with our daughter and her new family.  God would use this time to bring truth to light in a way that can only be accredited to Him! And on July 3 we received a phone call that we never dreamed we would receive.  Our grandbabies had been left with John's parents.  CPS would be coming to get them after the holiday to determine where they would be placed.  The next hours were a blur as God literally lit each and every step for us to take! We learned things in minutes that I had never heard in years of a career with children! And on July 5, a judge granted us full custody of our two grandbabies.  We now had 8 children in our home ages 13, 12, 8, 7, 3, 23 months, 11 months, and 3 weeks. 

We intervened only to keep them safe.  Our plan was for our daughter to get settled and the children return to her.  From the time we found out she was pregnant, we had made it our goal to support and equip her to be a mother to her children.  God would orchestrate a move half way across Texas just weeks after we gained custody of the babies.  So we left all our support system and moved with 8 children, four of whom were 3 and under.  It was the hardest year of my life! John and I looked at each other on more than one occasion and said, "We can't do this!"  But when we would stop to pray about it, God would always take us back to how they came to be with us.  There was No. Way. that could have happened outside of God orchestrating all the events just as He did.  And what option did we have?  If there had been any other way to keep them safe, we would have done it.  But God made it clear, their place was with us. The enemy tried in so many ways to convince us we couldn't or shouldn't do it.  But God was faithful to always bring us back to how they came to us, and remind us that He has a plan and a purpose for them...and that is ultimately whey they are with us.  We are to raise them to be His children for His kingdom purposes!

We would learn that a third grandbaby was on his way into the world.  After much prayer and consideration, we agreed that the two babies needed to stay with us in order to secure a permanent, stable home.  And again, God made a way where we saw No. Way.  In March 2014, relinquishment papers were signed allowing us to be free and clear to legally adopt the children ensuring that they will stay with us.  And just like that my role changed from Mimi to Mommy. 

It sounds so cut and dry.  And I guess on legal papers, it is.  But in my heart, it is anything but easy or cut and dry.  I should be excited about tomorrow!  And on some level I am.  I am excited that legally, there will be nothing that can take these two precious ones out of my home.  I am excited that there will be legal paperwork to support what I already know in my heart...they are mine. But it also is a death of a dream.  A dream of getting to be Mimi to two precious children while I watched their mother, my daughter, raise them.  It means realizing that they will have to wrestle one day with how and why their Mimi had to become their Mommy.  There will be hard questions.  There will be brokenness that will have to be healed.  I always said when we started fostering that the emotions I had during the process were just unnatural.  I did not know what to do with the emotions as there are no files in my brain to put them in because they are just not natural feelings. In a perfect world, there would be no need for adoption!  There would be no orphans.  This process has been much like that.  There are just no files to sort out the emotions that come.  There will be deep mourning over my daughter losing her role as mother for her children.  And that breaks my heart in ways I never even knew it could break.

But as I think about last night when Ella (formerly Peighton) played on the stairs at the restaurant where we were eating, I get excited about tomorrow!  Why?  Because while playing on the stairs, she did a free fall about three steps up for Callie to catch her!  No bid deal, you think?  It is a HUGE. DEAL.  It showed trust!  The little girl who came to live with us was scared, confused, slept for three days straight, and cried just about non stop!  But before me stood a confident, trusting, giggling little girl who just gets to be a little girl! And that makes me happy.  And that makes all the sacrifices worth it!

And DJ, well you can ask anyone who knows him! He has a light in him that shines bright! And his smile can melt a heart in an instant! He is my boy!

Even as I sat down to really process things before we head to court, God showed up! I was going to look up the scriptures He had given me for Ella last year about this time.  I knew they were in Isaiah but would have to do some looking to find exactly where.  But as I opened my Bible to look, it opened to the exact page with the scriptures marked with her name! It was just one more encouragement from God that we are doing the right thing for them.

Today, the third time that we have scheduled court, we are FINALLY going to make this official! This Mimi is becoming their Mommy! And because EVERY adoption should be celebrated, I am going to do my best to lay aside why we are at this place and celebrate the fact that I have two more arrows in my quiver who are a blessing from God in order for me to train and equip them for their Kingdom purposes! The road has not been an easy one, but today, I lay it all down and embrace the title of Mommy with thanksgiving, excitement and joy!

Identity Theft

"Identity theft started in the garden." Matt Oxley, Pastor at The Creek Church Fort Worth

That one statement started a realization and a glimmer of light in the very dark place I have found myself spiraling for some weeks now.  I wish I had written this on Sunday because I was basking in the light that was shining and pushing away the darkness with this new realization.  However, today is Thursday and as so often happens, as the week has progressed, the darkness has crept back in and I write this from a place of needing to hear it myself again! Normally, I would probably just not write about it since I find myself right back in this place.  But as I have visited with other moms this week, I realize that what I am in the middle of is a common place for many who are parenting any children, but especially children who have come to them from a place of trauma.  There are also women who have been called to do something as a mom - adoption, home schooling, staying home when they thought career was their goal, being called to go back to work when they thought staying home would be their life until kids left, unplanned pregnancy later in life - that was not in their plan.  All these things have one thing in common - surrender! They all require us as women to surrender our plans and our belief of what being a mom looked like in our lives to the One who is calling us out of that!  And with that surrender comes a trust that He will hold us close and provide what we need as we walk out the calling.

I keep saying this has been a hard season, but it has.  It has stretched me in every way possible beyond what I ever dreamed being capable of stretching.  It has left me "sore" emotionally, at times physically as my body has responded to the stress it carries, and most of all spiritually.  It has left small cracks in my armor that the enemy has used to insert a half truth or two.  In my fog of the past few weeks of feeling myself slipping down into a place of feeling overwhelmed, at times hopeless, and even wondering if depression was creeping back in to stay, I have focused more on circumstances than Truth.  I knew that somewhere in my heart, but it was if even knowing that, I could not put my finger on what was wrong or how to stop it.  I was still doing my quiet time (key word "quiet"!) when I could manage to get a few minutes without children awake and making demands.  I was still having personal worship time where I cried out to God and poured my heart back to Him. I would have moments of total thankfulness for what He has given to me that I would pour out to Him.  If there was a checklist of things to do to get you back on track, I had done them...but still the dark cloud remained.

When Matt said in his sermon Sunday, "Identity theft started in the garden, " I knew that was the explanation of my current state!  Because of the circumstances around some of my children and the current issues it was causing in our home, the enemy had stolen my identity as a mother!  He had started with the half truths that were so believable because they had truth in them!  But then he kept on with his lies until he had me at a place where all joy and desire to be a mother had been replaced with bitterness and exhaustion and hopelessness! He stole my identity.  But Matt reminded me that the enemy is defeated!  For weeks I had listened to the little whispers, most of which were lies but were sprinkled with just enough truth to make them believable, and found myself in a place of being totally defeated as a mother.  Being a wife and mother was all I had ever wanted from the time I was a little girl!  And the enemy had taken and stolen that from me with his lies!

But here is the Truth! Revelation 12:10 "Then I heard a loud voice in heaven saying, 'Now the salvation, and the power, and the kingdom of our God and the authority of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brethren has been thrown down, he who accuses them before our God day and night.  And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony and they did not love their life even when faced with death."  (emphasis mine)  Did you catch that? He accuses us day and night, but he has been Thrown. Down.  We have Overcome him! Romans 8:37 says it like this, "But in all things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us." I can take my identity back! 

How do I do that?  First, I get my eyes of circumstances that have allowed me to believe the lies, and I place them on Jesus that rose from the grave with the keys in His hand that unlock any chain of bondage that the enemy tries to wrap me up in!  Then I replace the lies the enemy has whispered over me with Truth!  I dig into the Word and find scriptures to literally speak over myself when I hear the lies!  I also have to daily lay down my life and take up my cross.  You see the decision to parent 9 children wasn't a one time choice.  It is a daily decision to lay down what "could have been" if we had not said yes to what God asked us to do and accept that what He has for us is better than anything that we could have gained in saying no.  It is taking those keys that Jesus gives us to unlock our prisons and as Matt said to shake them in the face of the enemy and remind him that I am free, and I am unwilling to put myself back in a prison by believing his lies! I am taking back my identity!  I encourage you to do the same in whatever area you may have found the enemy trying to steal who you are in Christ!

John 8:36 "So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed!" 

He Will Not Leave You As Orphans

Yesterday was one of the best days in the life of a mother!  I watched as John baptized our son Toben Obadiah.  Toben accepted Christ as his savior a couple months ago, but I was not here.  John was the one who had the privileged of having that conversation with him!  So it was a special day to watch the symbolic act of my son being buried with Christ and raise to walk as a new man in his identity in Christ!

The biggest lesson I learned from our loss of our first baby to a miscarriage is that my children are not mine.  I had no idea all that being a mother would take me through on that day in January almost 17 years ago, but I knew that children were God's.  He would give them to us for the time He needed for His purposes in His kingdom!  That lesson has been reinforced time and time again...and I was reminded of it again yesterday as I watched my son, born in Liberia half a world away, come up out of that water as a follower of Jesus Christ!

Obviously, this is a huge deal for any of my children! But when one of our kiddos that God placed in our family through adoption makes their profession of faith, it is such a huge reminder of the call on the lives of God's people for adoption.  As I watched yesterday, I thought of his first mother who I owe everything!  I wished I could pick up the phone and call her or text her pictures of our boy so she could rejoice with us that our son had given his life to Jesus!  But I also thought of the hard days.  I thought of the ten days we waited in Liberia because the enemy tried to keep our son from the destiny God had for him.  I rejoiced once again as the enemy was defeated as Toben raised up out of the water a new creation in Christ! See, I know without a doubt, adoption is about new life.  It's about new identities.  It is what our adoption in Christ means, and it is what the adoption of my children in the natural means!

I desperately needed that reminder yesterday! It's been a hard season.  But as I watched my son demonstrate his commitment to make Jesus Lord of his life, I was encouraged and renewed in my commitment to hand over my life - daily - to my Lord and Savior!


"I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you." John 14:18

Ava: Today is the day

We finally have insurance approval, and today is the day we go for the blood draw for the Fragile X and chromosomal tests.  Ava is worried about the blood draw, but I reminded her how brave she was last time we had to draw blood! She didn't even cry!  So she asked if they could get the blood from the same arm in the same place! :) And then it was all better.  That is what I love about her!

Today really isn't such a bid deal.  I mean, all we are doing is drawing blood.  But for me, as a mother, today is kind of tough.  I think in the processing of what we are learning, today means that we truly know there is something that we don't know.  Today means there is something that doesn't function as it should in my daughter's body.  And for a mamma, that really is kind of a big deal.

I have sat and listened to "It is Well" by Bethel over and over.  Can I be honest? I am not there right now.  I am not ok with this! However, I can sincerely sing the song as a prayer that God will continue to work and mature me to a place where no matter what the tests say or what my little girl has to face because of what the tests show, it will be well.  And I know the key to that is how the song ends..."through it all, my eyes are on You".

Placing my eyes on Him and headed to school to pick up my little warrior and get this done! Then....we might just go have lunch and do some shopping! Shhhh! Don't tell the school!  :) But I think this mamma needs some time with my baby today!

What Frozen Taught Me About My Children From Hard Places

Like most of you, I am sure, we own Frozen.  And like most of you, we have watched it 1,439 times.  Madison can almost quote it word for word! We hadn't watched it in a while, and she asked to watch it the other day.  I have to admit, I really like do like the movie...and the songs!  I can relate to a lot of the sentiment in Let it Go! And to be honest, I usually join in the crooning with Madison and the other toddlers when the songs come on during the movie!  But this time as "Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" played, I was struck by the scene where the father is putting the gloves on Elsa's hands.  With a smile on his face showing that he truly only has Elsa's best interest at heart, he slips the glove on her hand and says, "Conceal it" which Elsa finishes with "Don't feel it".  Then in unison, they say, "Don't let it show."

I was immediately struck by just how much of a picture that is in so many homes where we have children with a history of trauma!  How many times have we handed our kids "gloves" to put over their hurts and simply said, conceal it.  Don't feel it.  And they repeat, "Don't let it show!" Just like Elsa's father, we have the best intentions, right?  We want to protect our children from the hurts they have suffered in the past, and we want to protect our children from what other people will think of them, or if we are really honest, what other people will think of us if they "show" their true colors by acting out in their hurt or wounds. "Conceal it, don't feel it. Don't let it show!"

With that thinking in mind, I rewind the disc and listen to more of this scenario and am brought to tears as I think of how I have reacted at times to my children.  As soon as the parents throw open the door to the ballroom and see Elsa holding a limp Anna and ice all around, the father in a very stern voice says, "Elsa! What have you done?!" Immediately Elsa feels guilty, sad and starts trying to explain.  What had she done? She had been innocently playing with her sister and accidentally injured her by over zealously using her power in fun.  How many times have my children been snapped at simply because they were acting in fun and because of their past trauma didn't realize they were hurting someone?  Have I stopped and given them time to explain?  Have I stopped and explained to them that I am not mad or upset with them, but just explain why the behavior is not ok? Have I stopped and given them an opportunity to empathize with the person they hurt and then apologize for hurting them? The parents do what many of us do in a crisis with our children from trauma...we scoop them up and take them to the specialist, right?! This is a very loving and logical act.  But sometimes we get poor advice from "specialists" and sometimes maybe perhaps we over reacted to good advice.  The specialist tells the father that there is beauty in Elsa's gift, but there is also real danger and fear is her enemy.  The dad immediately starts spewing all he will do to protect her...and it ends in complete isolation.  Again, this is a father with the most loving intentions toward his daughter, but in his haste and perhaps his own fear of the opinion of others, makes decisions that actually reinforces the one thing that makes the matter worse...fear. "Conceal it, don't feel it.  Don't let it show!"

Then we see the "other" daughter outside the door begging Elsa to come out and play.  Her memory has been wiped clean of all that has happened.  I see Anna as many children in families who are accepting the call to love the orphaned and are having to experience the pain and frustration of sharing their home with children from hard places.  Anna has no idea why all of a sudden Elsa cannot come out and play.  Anna is deeply wounded when Elsa tells her to go away, because Anna just does not understand Elsa!  Elsa has no desire to wound Anna.  Again, her fears, her isolation requires her to shove Anna away when what she wants more than anything is to throw open the doors and build the snowman with Anna!  I see this so many times in families.  Children already in the home come into these situations with expectations of adding an older brother or sister that they have always longed for to their family.  Or they are finally getting that little sibling they have always wanted to care for.  Then when that child with all his trauma induced behavior arrives, the dreams shatter quickly.  Neither child is at "fault"! It is just a side effect of children who have been abused and neglected and children who have been loved and nurtured learning to live in harmony in the same family.  Are we preparing our children who are already in the home for the potential immaturity of an "older" sibling?  Are we preparing our children who are already in the home for the outbursts and stiff armed shoves of the younger child who doesn't know how to let anyone love or care for or nurture them?  Are we teaching our children empathy as these incidents occur?  Or are we taking the "side" of our children already in the home and becoming offended with them at the immature, illogical and at times irrational behaviors of the children from trauma? Are we making room for our wounded children to learn how to interact with others or are we simply putting them in a room, locking the door and asking them to do the same?  "Conceal it, don't feel it.  Don't let it show!"

From the first time I saw the movie, the wisdom in the troll when he says, "you are lucky it was not her heart.  The heart cannot be so easily changed, but the mind, it can be persuaded," has struck me as profound!  When these children come into our homes, we "know" they are safe! But the thing is, until they "know" they are safe, it really doesn't matter what we "know".  And even if they "know" in their head this is a safe place, the healing doesn't start until the heart knows it's a safe place! And the heart cannot be so easily changed.

But here is the good news, the heart CAN. BE. CHANGED! How?  We have to teach them to LET. IT. GO!  Listen to the words of that song with your children from trauma in mind! We know there is a storm raging inside of them!  In order for them to come to healing, we have to allow them to take off the gloves, feel what they really feel and deal with what all that means! That means we may have to let them "freeze" a few things in the process.  We may end up with some ice castles and disasters in the wake of them learning to handle their thoughts and emotions from their past.  But when we do, oh the beauty we will see!  They will begin to use their wounds to make ice sculptures instead of weapons! We will begin to see them blossom into the children God intended them to be! They are worth redeeming!  They are worth whatever it takes to redeem this generation!

"As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result...." Genesis 50:20


** Disclaimer: If you, like me see this and have remorse over how you have responded at times to your children from trauma because you were worn out, tired or just plain on edge, do not let this bring guilt!  Repent, and move on! Wipe your own slate clean and giver yourself a fresh start just like you do your children! Go give that child a great big hug!  If the offense against them occurred recently, go apologize for losing it with them or reacting negatively.  You might just be surprised how far an apology will go! And most of all, know You. Are. Not. Alone!

Alive and Active

I had to smile as I pulled up my blog to write this post! The title of the last post was "still waiting".  You will see the irony in that in just a minute!

One of Ava's biggest struggles is memory.  Learning math facts, memorizing spelling words, things like that are a real struggle.  And she may have it down today, but then tomorrow it may be as if we never even talked about it.

So yesterday when I picked her up from her church service and she told me she got an extra treat because she already said her memory verse, I am sure I had a puzzled look on my face.  She danced around with that light that shines so brightly in her saying, "I already memorized it!  I did it during the service!  I know it already!"  Then she proceeds to say it....."Wait on the Lord, be strong and courageous. Wait on the Lord Psalm 27 dot, dot 14" (she really says "dot, dot"!!)  I was impressed.  But can I confess there was a thought that passed through my mind that went something like, "we'll see if she can still say it in the morning."

She proceeded to repeat it all throughout the evening last night.  Enough, that I now have it memorized! And my memory is mediocre at best! God in His ever humbling ways brought this exact verse to mind just this morning as I was becoming impatient with some circumstances in my life and wanted to just run away from them!  "Wait on the Lord! be strong (some translations then say) and don't lose hope. Wait on the Lord."  One of the things that Ava said when she told us she memorized it was that God said "Wait on the Lord" twice! John reminded her that when God repeats himself, He really wants us to listen!

Again, God has used my children to teach me a couple of valuable lessons!  First, the Word of God is alive and active!  It is sharper than a double edged sword and will divide bone and marrow.  No, Ava may not be able to remember that 4+6=10, but the Word of God being alive and active planted itself in the deepest recess of who she is and easily comes to her mind...even this morning after sleeping on it! And second, Miss Ava reminded me that waiting on God is important....after all, He said it twice!

Still waiting...

A friend text me and said she had been watching my blog for an update on Ava (thanks, Tracey! :) ).  I sometimes forget that my blog readers are not all on Facebook where I update with small things here and there.  So let me update on Ava's appointment that I talked about in the last post.

The appointment went well.  We really liked the doctor.  She listened to what we had to say and worked with us to talk through possible scenarios.  Overall, the appointment was good...except that the reality that we may never "know" what is happening with our sweet girl.  The doctor didn't really think that she has Fragile X, but there are enough symptoms that warrant testing for it.  There are a couple of other genetic disorders that she has symptoms of, so we are starting with testing for those things.  If they all come back negative, then we will move to whole exome testing.  And we can't start any testing until we get insurance approval, which is where we are right now....waiting on insurance!
One really great blessing is that we found out that the testing that runs $10K-$15K can be done for about $300 out of pocket with some funding that is available since this is all fairly new research and testing as things go in the medical world.

We appreciate all of the prayers and those following her story!  I have to say the whole experience has made me press in closer to our Maker and listen for what Ava is created for in order to equip her in the absolute best way possible for what God has for her!  Because no test results will change one thing that we already know, she is made exactly how she needs to be made in order to do what God has for her to do for His Kingdom and to bring Him the most possible glory!

Our Ava

Tomorrow is the day! We have waited two months for the appointment and Ava's lifetime for the answers. We haven't shared a ton about our miss Ava.  Mostly because we have never really known what there was to share.

At the park!

She was born at 37 weeks due to me having a potential for blood clots.  For those who don't know our family well, she is one of our biological children.  So her pregnancy had no drugs, no alcohol and no trauma.  Of our nine children, she is one of the least likely to have any "issues" based solely on her start in life.  Yet, from the beginning she has had a bit of a struggle.  She wasn't too interested in breathing those first few hours and was under an oxygen bubble for the first 36 hours of life.  Then a newborn screening came back abnormal. But the second one was normal.  There were no symptoms or signs of anything happening, so we continued on with our healthy baby girl.  Our pediatrician was always a bit concerned.  However, he was the glass half empty guy, and I was the one pointing out it was half full.  While I always appreciated his aggressive desire to ensure all was well, I also was quite certain from how my baby girl was doing that he was concerned for no reason.  It wasn't until the delay in her walking that I wondered if his concerns were valid.  Then there were the times that she played alone...too long.  I would talk to family about my concerns, but everyone dismissed them with simple explanations.  I would tuck them away and tell myself I was being paranoid.  Those who know me well know that I have zero memory!  It's why I really NEED to scrapbook!  But when I do have a memory, it is very vivid and usually significant.  It's like a snapshot that needed to be recorded for future reference.  I have one of those memories about my Ava.  When she was about 18 months old, I took all three kids to the park.  We were there about 30 minutes.  The entire time we were there, Ava would walk up the three steps on the jungle gym, walk halfway down the walk way, turn around, come back the way she came, down the stairs, then turn around and do it all again....for 30 minutes!  She never left to go swing, she never left to go to the slide, she never left to dig in the sand.  Just the same motion over and over.  Again, I expressed my concern to John and my parents.  I was most certain there were some signs of her possibly being on the Autism spectrum.  Although at that time is when Autism was just beginning to be a household name.  No one really felt my concerns were valid, so again, I tucked them away.  Then there was the way she rarely looked at a camera when we would take her picture.  She will make eye contact with you to talk to you, but as soon as you put up a camera, she will divert her eyes many times.  Maybe just a quirky thing she does? Maybe a sign of something more?  

Ava at about three years old

 Her language didn't seem to develop quite as quickly as it should have.  Then there was the broken arm just before she turned two that happened from a simple fall from the couch.  All of it along with a larger head circumference and extremely long fingers and toes always made our pediatrician a bit concerned.  Around age 4, it became more evident that there were some physical limitations.  I found myself constantly reaching out for her as she often lost her balance resulting in a fall.  She was unable to stand on one foot and balance.  Yet therapy was not making much progress. We had an MRI that came back normal.  Dr. Nabulsi said he wanted us to go see a neurologist.  So off to Fort Worth we go.  We would learn of a disorder that seemed to fit her symptoms.  We scheduled a spinal tap and returned for the procedure a few weeks later.  The results came in as inconclusive.  However that did not rule out the diagnosis, and the doctor along with John and I felt it was more likely than not that she had Depo Responsive Dystonia.  She began taking medicine that is given to Parkinson's disease patience.  We saw a decrease in her stumbling and falling.  It appeared that she her speech was a bit easier to understand and came more readily for her.  And that was the "real test" we were told of whether or not she had the dystonia.  If the medicine worked, then it was for sure the case.  We were so thankful we had found it.  Many children are misdiagnosed with cerebral palsy and ended up in wheelchairs until the correct diagnosis was found.  Then with the medicine, they were back to normal function.  We thought we had our answer and proceeded with life normally.

 It was evident from the beginning that Ava marched to her own drum! She was an extremely happy and compliant child!  She rarely ever, and still to this day, rarely does get in trouble.  She has an incredible connection with God!  I am jealous at times at the way she believes and the faith that she talks about.  She accepted Jesus as her savior on her own...I asked her if she had thought about it one day, and she laughed and told me she had done that weeks ago at church during worship when God had spoken to her! Got to love a testimony like that!  Just a few months ago, she was walking down the stairs and got about  halfway down before turning around and running back up to me in the playroom with an excitement that was exuding from every part of her being yelling, "He touched me!  I was walking down the stairs and God touched me on the shoulder!" While reading that, you might doubt the validity, seeing the glow in her eyes when she said it left no room for doubt that in fact, she had been in the presence of God!

After moving to Fort Worth, her second grade teachers revealed that she had absolutely zero ability to comprehend math.  Its a long story that I really should share some time, but I am so thankful for these teachers!  It was with this information that we began again searching.  I always felt in the back of my mind that there was something else! There was something we were missing...call is mother's intuition or  God's prompting, but I knew we needed to keep digging.  But our neurologist was a bit dismissive.  Diagnosis were thrown around here and there, but nothing that we could nail down.

Then one day one of my perspective adoptive moms called me to talk about a file she was reading for a potential placement.  In the file was a genetic disorder that I had never heard of.  Normally, I do not stop to look up those types of things on the cases unless I am pretty certain that placement will happen. That did not seem to be the case this time but for some reason that can only be explained as the hand of God, I stopped and googled "Fragile X Syndrome".  As I read through the symptoms, it was as if someone had been in our home for the past few years keeping a journal on Ava.  Tears began to fall uncontrollably.  The first emotion was joy and satisfaction!  We might FINALLY have a definite answer to what is going on with our daughter.  But those emotions quickly turned to dread and fear as the reality of what that diagnosis means.  I guess as long as you don't know, there is hope that it's just late development.  There is hope that it's all just coincidental and in the end, it's all going to go away and she will be "normal".  But with a diagnosis, those hopes fade quickly.

Tomorrow is the day that we go to talk to the geneticist about Fragile X.  We will have the testing done and wait for the results.  Can I be honest? I don't even know how to pray! Of course, I want the results to be negative because NO ONE wants their child to have an illness...most definitely not a genetic disorder that could mean a much different future than you had dreamed for your child before you knew of the words that now hold so much weight: Fragile X Syndrome.  But a negative test result will not automatically erase all of the symptoms that have us searching for answers! And we need answers! Ava is an amazing little girl who brings joy to anyone who knows her!  She says good morning by name to everyone she passes in the school, and they smile back with a "Good morning, Ava!" But she is starting to notice that she doesn't exactly work like the other kids.  She is beginning to notice that she is a little different.  We champion different in our house! But my words of encouragement as a mom, I know all too well, will only carry so much weight the older she gets and the more defined the differences may become. We need an answer to give her! We need to be able to tell her "this is why" you work this way!

So if we come to mind, pray for us! Most days, it doesn't even cross my mind.  But then there are moments like the other day when I came across this picture.

And looking into that sweet face sitting in front of me, I was overcome with emotions and a desire to go back to this day!  We didn't know anything was wrong here! We had no idea that we would one day be wondering what the future held for our baby girl.  We had no idea of the struggles she would be facing even as an 8 year old.  I just wanted to go back to the innocence and to some extent ignorance.  

But despite what the test results say, this I know. Ava Claire is fearfully and wonderfully made by God Almighty!  He knit her together in my womb for His purposes! He has a plan and a future for her that is good and prosperous! It may not look like how we thought it would look, but it is full of His purpose and potential for His glory all the same!  And when He knit her together, He put a determination in her like none that I have ever known and certainly never seen in a child of her age! It has served her well....and makes her an inspiration to just about anyone who knows her! And He had held her closely, for what I have no doubt will be a lifetime of her using whatever challenges she has to bring her Creator even more glory! 

I surrender....

So today was not a Hallmark movie day at the Petree house! In fact, more than once, I found myself at the end of my rope.  I quit at least twice today!  We are in a really rough phase with two of our kiddos from hard places.  I heard at a conference last year the term "specialized parenting" to describe how you have to parent children with a history of abuse or trauma.  I thought of that several times today and wondered if God realized He gave these precious ones in need of specialized parenting a pretty ordinary mother who was thinking she really can't supply all they need.  So many times peole tell me, "I could never do what you do"....well, I have news for you, today, I couldn't do it either!

You see, the only way I do what I do is through total surrender! Maybe you aren't suppose to parent 9 children with four of them being 4 years apart in age.  But if God asked you to do it, you could do it...through surrender! Because I can't do it either...without surrender!

Having just finished the Christmas season, there were many times the thought, "if....." came into my mind.  "If we didn't have 8 children at home we could...." "If we didn't have four kids who are four and under we could..." If we didn't have so many children who require specialized parenting that wears. me. out we could.....  Now I know these thoughts are from the enemy and on a good day, I take them captive and shut them down before they ever take root!  But on a bad day, when things have been particularly rough, I venture down that rabbit trail just a bit in my mind.

The truth is, at any point that John and I said yes to any of the children in our home, both the adopted ones and "unplanned" biological ones, we could have said no.  We could have said to God, taking in a fifth child will cost us too much.  We are going to stay comfortable with our four and no more.  We could have said losing two from failed adoption and death is enough, we will stay content with our three.  We could have said our children have suffered enough over the past year, we are not adding a newborn and 11 month old to our family so that the healing scab is ripped off and the hemorrhaging starts again.  We could have told God, I can't do that.  And honestly, in a couple of instances, I did.  However, He would continue to speak and ask me to surrender comfort, fears, expectations, my view of a "perfect life".  And in a matter of time, I would come to a place of total surrender where my true desire was to do that which He was calling me to do!

You see, when we look at people and say, "I can't do that".  Maybe what we are saying is, I couldn't surrender that much. Just minutes ago, friends of mine said goodbye to their baby boy.  I look at their pictures and think, "I couldn't do that!"  But that baby boy and his story reached 100,000 people in the month he was on this earth.  His last post included the gospel with an invitation for those who don't know Jesus to meet Him!  That my friends, is faith and trust! That is surrender!

What is God asking you to do that you look at and say, "I can't do that!"  Is it staying in a loveless marriage?  Is it adopting a teenager from the foster system?  Is it leaving a lifelong career to follow a dream He gave you years ago?  Is it walking away from a friendship that is toxic? If you're answer to a decision you are wrestling with is, "I can't do that!"  Then perhaps you need to revisit it and ask, "What am I not willing to surrender to do that?"  You see, God asks us to give it ALL to Him!  That means my "right" to have a comfortable life because we worked hard to get here.  That means my right to use the bathroon without fingers under the door or "MOM!" being yelled from three different places for the 45.6 seconds I am in there!  Sure my life would be easier in so many ways with less children.  But I also know that every one of these children were placed here by God! And I am thankful that I didn't stop to count the cost at the moment He asked me to accept them as mine....and I am even more thankful that He didn't stop to count the cost when He sent his very own Son to the cross for me!  So what do you need to surrender to turn your "can't" into a "can"?

A Word from the Lord for Parents

I wrote down "strong and courageous" in my journal.  I felt in my spirit God was going to ask me to step out of my comfort zone in 2015 to speak boldly for Him.  I wrote down Acts 4:29-31 "grant to your servants to continue to speak your word with all boldness, while you stretch out your hand to heal, and signs and wonders are performed through the name of your holy servant Jesus.” And when they had prayed, the place in which they were gathered together was shaken, and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and continued to speak the word of God with boldness." I just didn't think it would happen at 1:00 am on New Year's Day!  He didn't waste any time! 

I have had Words for people a few times, but never a Word for the Body...until now.  The message from God was strong enough that I couldn't go back to sleep until I got it out there..so here goes (at 3:46 am)...

I used to be a very vivid and regular dreamer.  However, I would not say that many if any of my dreams were spiritual in nature...or maybe they were and I just didn't have the maturity to know it.  Anyway, I haven't dreamed like that for a few a years now.  Now if I have a dream, it is almost always spiritual.  However, not always from God.  Sometimes they are nightmares, but whenever I dream, it is vivid! I woke up just after midnight from a very vivid dream. I don't remember being afraid in the dream, but when I woke, the first feeling I had was fear.  It wasn't the "in awe of you" kind of fear, but the heart racing, palms sweating type of fear.  That is not from God! So I am not saying God gave me a dream, I believe the enemy planted that to cause fear in me. The details of the dream I don't believe are important, but it involved losing most of the people who are dear to me.  

Just as quickly as the fear came, a peace flooded over me.  Then God spoke.  It was a message that He has been giving to me for a few weeks now.  But this time it was stronger and more urgent.  It is for parents.  It is a reminder that we need to be diligent to be covering our children in prayer.  It was a reminder that the enemy is out to steal, kill and destroy our children.  As the time of Christ's return draws near, the enemy will raise the stakes in his battle for the call on children's lives.  This is not a message of fear!  This is a message of hope and a reminder that we as parents have the authority to cut the enemy off at the knees and place his head under our heel where he belongs.  However, many times in our complacency and busyness of day to day life, we leave the door wide open for him to come into our family, and in particular to our children  This is not a call to say bedtime prayers with our children as we tuck them in, while I believe that is vital as well!  It is a call to get on our knees and war in the heavenlies calling down God's will for our children from heaven to earth and closing all gaps and holes where the enemy can could get a foothold and take them on a detour.

To confirm this Word, when I woke up, I went to my FB page.  At the top is the update of Baby AJ who was born just a few weeks ago at 23 weeks gestation.  He is fighting for his life!  Just below his update is that of another friend's baby who was rushed into emergency brain surgery last week at less than 2 months old.  I believe God has a high call on the lives of these children!  And I believe God is already using their lives for His glory as hundreds if not thousands of people storm the gates of heaven for these two babies while their amazing parents point those watching...medical staff as well as strangers following on FB and other social media...to Jesus!  Then less than an hour after I woke up, my daughter sends me a text message as she is at a sleep over with friends.  It's now about 2:20 am.  We end up texting for almost an hour about some spiritual matters!  For those who don't know my daughter, let me just tell you, she. is. amazing! But it just confirmed that the enemy is desperately trying to steal the faith, joy and calling God has placed on children all over this earth!  And we as parents CANNOT stand by and watch while he does it!  We MUST cover our children in prayer and equip them for life in spiritual warfare!  We have the power, authority and weapons to win this war, but we must pick them up and fight!  2 Corinthians 10: 4-5 For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds.

I believe 2015 is a year that we will see children rising up and leading revival!  I am committed to being on my knees for my children...from 19 to 1! God is calling us to cover them all as there is no junior Holy Spirit and He will use them all no matter their age to draw others to Him!  Whose with me?

Coffee with Mary

Christmas has always made me reflect on Mary with admiration and wonder.  As an unmarried young woman in her 20's I always wondered what it would be like to have been Mary.  Unmarried, virgin, visited by an angel and told that you would give birth to the Savior or the World while remaining a virgin! The Holy Spirit himself would create a child within your womb.  That initial news must have been so amazing! God chose her out of all the women in the world! An angel came and visited her! She was going to be the mother of a baby who would save the world! There had to be some joy and amazing awe that God himself would choose you to be the mother of His Son! And her response is with all the  humility, obedience and respect that I  pray I would answer God with at any request He asked of me, "I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be as you have said."

I have spent three Christmases now in one stage or another of pregnancy.  Again, I would reflect on Mary and how amazing that first Christmas must have been as God was made man and came to earth! Stars showed the way to him.  Men bowed before him.  But I would imagine, to Mary, he was still just her baby boy!

Who wouldn't say yes to a precious baby? I mean, in that moment when the angel came, I would imagine that Mary was overwhelmed with thankfulness for the opportunity to be "the one"! As Christmas approaches this year, I again find myself reflecting on Mary.  But in a new way now.  I don't think about the Mary who stood in awe and appreciation before the angel and accepted the honor of being the mother of Jesus or the Mary who gazed lovingly into the eyes of her newborn baby boy. Instead, I think of the Mary who stood before Joseph trying to convince him that she truly had been visited by an angel and was still a virgin even though she is pregnant.  I think of the Mary who was quite possibly excommunicated from her family and her church.  I think about the Mary who rode on a donkey in the last stages of pregnancy.  I think of the Mary who had to deliver her baby in a stable while next door to an Inn that had rooms filled with people who God had provided "adequate" shelter for that night. I think about the Mary who frantically looked for her 12 year old son only to find him back at the temple.  And I think of the Mary who watched as her son was beaten and then hung on the cross.

This season of life has been by far the hardest I have ever walked.  Hard because of the emotional, physical, financial and spiritual demands.  Hard because life doesn't look in just about any way how I had imagined it.  There is really nothing in this season that is easy or going how I would hope it would go.  And then hard because all that is making life really hard are the things God called me to do.  Life is hard because I said yes!

John took me to an amazing Christmas concert with Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith.  It was the first time I had been able to really sit and enjoy Christmas like I long to do! This truly is the most wonderful time of the year! Even before I was married, Breath of Heaven had become one of my all time favorite Christmas songs.  I sang it at many Christmas events and as a  Sunday special years ago! As Amy Grant began to sing, I really listened to the words in a new light! 

" I have traveled many moonless night, cold and weary....and I wonder what I've done!" As soon as I heard those words, I had a burning desire to have coffee with Mary! I would love to sit down with her and talk about all she thought and felt through the entire process!  Surely, the confident affirmative response to the angel at some point gave way to doubt and fear as the reality of what her "yes" had meant!

"I am waiting in a silent prayer, I am frightened by the load I bear...must I walk this path alone?" When the magnitude of what she had committed to became reality, did Mary buckle under fear and loneliness?  As I head those words, I thought back to just a few nights before as I sat crying out to God as I was overwhelmed with all that life requires right now as mother to 9, wife to 1 and advocate for thousands.  Did Mary feel this way?  Did she even regret her "yes" on some days?

"Do you wonder as you watch my face, if a wiser one should have had my place?"  That has been my heart's cry for weeks now!  God, truly you have over estimated me!  Oh God, surely there was someone more qualified to parent these children, to be wife to this man!  Surely someone with fewer kids should be the one advocating for the thousands!  Surely, God, someone wiser, and more energetic, and more organized, and more......should be doing this! Did Mary really feel that way too?  At any point did she look to heaven and ask, "would a loving God ask me to bear this much hurt?" If she had known the path that her "yes" took her down, would she have said yes that day the angel visited?  Maybe it's just to make me feel less alone in my weakness, but I think maybe she had days, or moments at least, where she wondered why she said yes! In the moments of loneliness, rejection and sorrow, I like to think that as a human, Mary did waiver in her resolve to carry out this plan God had for her.  I like to think that because it makes me feel less alone in my days of doubt.  When I have had days of battles with children who have no impulse control and days of trying to console babies who don't want to be consoled because they have already learned how to "do it alone" and days of wondering if there will ever be time to pour into a marriage that has felt the effects of adding 5 kids in three years. Oh how I wish I could sit down with Mary and ask her how she did it!

But I think I already know.  Just as the song continues, "But I offer all I am, for the mercy of your plan, Help me be strong, help me be, help me......Breath of heaven, hold me together, be forever near me...Breath of heaven lighten my darkness, pour over me Your holiness, for You are holy!"  When the "yes" took more than Mary thought she could provide, I am sure she turned back to the Provider who asked her for the "yes" in the first place!  She knew the answers to continuing the path she had started on was in the relationship with the One who asked her to take the first step! And deep down, I know the same is true for me! And what better time to press into my Savior than during the time when we celebrate His birth! So as I clean marker off the wall AGAIN, as I fight my own fatigue and weary emotions to console another toddler tantrum during this time, I find a little encouragement in thinking that Mary probably had some of the same feelings, doubts and frustrations....and know that if I could, I would call her up and ask her to go to coffee!

Adoption Ministry - A Mandate

November is National Adoption Month.  I have so many blog posts rattling around in my head that I would love to get out in words this month about adoption, but for today the one that just has to get out is what I heard in a church orphan care leadership meeting yesterday.....

My pastor invited me to go with him to The Keep.  It is a new ministry that supports churches who are starting orphan care ministries.  They are doing it right!  As a foster mother, adoptive mother and adoption professional, I sat amazed as they walked us through the process. They have covered all the bases that many times get left behind. They kept saying you can't just preach the emotional sermon, you have to provide the reality based support to the families who answer the call!  YES! YES!!! YES!!!!!!

But one thing that stuck with me more than any other is that they kept saying over and over that orphan care is a mandate! James 1:27 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."  

They kept asking the pastors in the room, "Do you have a music ministry? Do you have a children's ministry? Do you have a youth ministry?" Of course the answer to all those questions was "yes". But then when asked "do you have an orphan ministry?" the majority did not.  The facilitators then boldly asked "why not?!" None of the other ministries are mandated, but orphan care is.  They made the point that we must change Church culture!

As I sat working today and reading a profile of a brother and sister both under 8 years old that their case worker e-mailed saying they have staffed (that means selected a forever family for the children) four times, but every time the family backs out after they read the profile.  I looked at their faces, and the tears just came.  The dam broke! 

We have 140,000 children in the USA who are legally free for adoption, but they remain fatherless, orphans! We have over 300,000 churches in the USA...do the math!  

I get it!  I do!  I read the files almost every day.  They are terrifying!  What am I going to do with the child who gets violent when they get upset? How would that child affect my other children already in the home?  Can I tell you how? It will completely mess them up! Our family has been wrecked by adoption!  I don't just read the files, I live them daily with my precious children. 

With one of our kiddos, it was the attorney, and with another it was the pediatrician.  The "professional" who tried to make us see the reality of what we were doing by continuing to go through with the adoption. "Do you know what this might mean for your family?" "Do you know what this might mean for your future?" "Do you understand adoption means you are taking them on as if they were your own?" My answer is always the same....YES!  I know what it could mean! Do you know what it means if I say "NO"?! This is a child without a mother! If I am not going to be his/her mother, then who will be?

There are 140,000 children in the USA looking in a mirror tonight as they brush their teeth asking, "Who will be my mother?"

Their files are messy!  Their actions are not desirable.  But as one of my amazing adoptive mothers I am working with put it, my file is messy too!  What if Jesus had read my file knowing how my actions would hurt Him, hurt and tarnish other sons and daughters of his, and so decided I wasn't worth it?

But He didn't!  He said I was worth it!  We looked at the "files" of our kids, and we said "you are worth it!"  And our children in our home now have a culture of adoption!  They ask us to adopt more children every time they hear of a child who needs a home!  What is a foreign concept to much of my generation, is a natural part of life to the generation coming after me!

They get the mandate.....but the epidemic is spreading in exponential growth....we can't wait for this generation coming to solve the problem! You...me...the Church of today, we have to get the mandate!

God help us if we do not hear the cries of His children!  There is something that everyone can do!  If you need resources, let me know!  Even if adoption is not what you feel called to, do something....anything!  If you call yourself a son or daughter of God, then it is your mandate!

A little Funny...

Because it seems I am always so heavy on here, I decided ot share a little story about my morning with you!

I had five of the kids in the car early this morning because Callie needed to be to school a little early. That meant I needed to be at three campuses, one of which is twenty mintues away and drop everyone off between 7:20 and 8.  I sent everyone to the car, ran and jumped in and off we went!

I got Ava and Toben dropped off with out incident.  I even managed to get past the crazy crossing guard before she had traffic stopped every direction to wait for a child who was still half a block away and strolling at a pace allowing her to take in every blade of grass and crack in the sidewalk while traffic in all four directions waits and watches....but I digress!

I drive to Madion's pre-school which is at the other elementary in our subdivision.  It is about three miles away, but with school traffic patterns, it can be a bit of a nightmare getting her there on time!  But this morning we are plenty early!  I pull up to the drop off point.  Callie turns around to tell Madison goodbye but instead shock and horror come across her face as she yells, "Mom! Did you not know she is in her nightgown?!"  I die laughing and explain that this is Red Ribbon Week and today is pajama day, so of course I know she is in her nightgown!  What kind of mom would I be to put her in the car and not know she is in her pajamas?!  I get out and go around to the other side of Big Momma to get her out.  When I open the door I see the nightgown...and the bare feet! "Madison, where are your shoes?", I asked knowing that at one point this morning they were on her feet!  "In your room!", comes the sweet reply.  Well, I am not the kind of mom who would not notice her child in her pajamas as she loads the car, but evidently I am the mom that fails to notice she is taking a child to school without shoes!

So I calmly close the van door, tell the teacher waiting to take Madison inside that we will return just as soon as we get her shoes, and I get behind the wheel and drive off as the teacher's gaze follows with a very perplexed yet amused look about her.

So in case you have ever ended up at your destination with a barefoot child, you can now know, you are not alone!

Have a terrific Tuesday!

Holding Onto Hope

This is going to be one of those in the middle of the battle transparent posts!  So you have been warned if you want to continue reading!

The last three weeks have presented some of the darkest days of my life! Even saying that seems a bit silly since the last ten years have brought some heartbreaking circumstances.  Yet, those circumstances did not bring the dark night of the soul or a dread of hopelessness like I have felt over the last few weeks.

There is no event or trigger that I can say brought on these dark days. In fact, this is a time when I believe that strongholds that have been in my life and in the lives of those closest to me are about to be broken once and for all!  This is a time when I believe promises that God gave to me years ago will be fulfilled.  So why the dark days?

I don't have a definite answer.  I can't explain it totally.  All I know is that I have felt on many days like the enemy has literally been trying to kill me.  For anyone who has not "been there", I realize that sounds absurd and a bit crazy.  But for those who have "been there", you will understand that feeling exactly! There were days that I could not even take a deep breath.  There were days that I had to pray and quote scripture through each day just to put one foot in front of the other and fulfill the tasks for that day.  There were days I literally did not think I would make it until time that I could lay my head down on my bed.  I have battled spiritual depression at times in my life, and I have battled chemical depression that required medication for a season.  This has not been like any of those! It has been a darkness of a different level.

So why am I writing about this? It's definitely not feeling like a warm and fuzzy, encouragement to the Body, is it ?  I am writing because I believe there are other Christ followers out there who the enemy is pursuing with the same fervor he is pursuing me!  The time for Christians to impact the world is at hand!  The enemy knows that when we fully understand who we are in Christ, he will have no authority over us.  And he will not let go of that easily!  I have had moments of doubt of everything I know or ever believed about God during these dark days!

This has been a time when even answered prayers didn't seem to change circumstances.  For example, we needed childcare for the four youngest that wouldn't require every penny of my salary to pay.  It took us four months, but we finally had a plan.  It was more money than we had been spending, but it was a plan.  Two weeks into that plan (remember it took us four months!), one of the pieces fell apart and we were back to square one for two of the kids.  I shook my fist at God and asked "WHY?!"  How did He expect me to do this job He has called me to when I don't have childcare?!  And how did He expect me to pay for childcare for four children on the salary He has given me?! Within a few days, He provided an answer and we had childcare set again.  Literally two weeks later, the other original piece of childcare fell apart.  And we were back to square one!  We have found a place for them all to go yet again, but our budget is $300 short of fulfilling the new childcare bill.  I'll have to let you know how He provides for that because as of right now, I am still believing by faith the provision will be there!

I share that to show that during this dark time it has seemed that even answers to prayer to fix circumstances have ended up just being two steps backwards!  It has felt like there is literally no way out of the pit of my circumstances! There is not enough time to get everyone where they need to be. There are not enough hours in the day to do all my job demands.  I would think I was doing great one day, then dinner time would come; and I would realize I hadn't planned ahead and there was nothing for dinner other than hop pockets....and of course no money to eat out!

The troubles of this season have felt as if they have had their hands around my neck squeezing the very breath out of my heavy chest.  I have cried out to God for His help, I have begged for His presence as it was only in those times that I felt His tangible presence that I could breathe! I have begged for the mountains that stood in the way of what I know He has asked me to do to be thrown into the sea. Yet even in the moments when a mountain would move, there seemed to be one right behind it still blocking the path! I have questioned my calling, my giftings, my identity, my value, my faith, my belief and my abilities!

But through it all, there has been this small voice constantly whispering, "What do you know about me?!"  "What do you really believe?!"  And in those moments, I choose to take my eyes of circumstances even if for a second and confirm that somewhere beneath the chaos, the doubt, the overwhelming circumstances, I do have a core belief that God is good!  I do have a core belief that He loves me and will provide my every need!  I do have  core belief that my present trouble is worth whatever is needed to bring about the coming glory for Him! And that is how I have kept holding onto hope! Most days I have only held on by my fingernails as they left ridges on the cliff where I slowly slid down toward the pit of despair that threatened to engulf me!  But before I ever hit that pit, a glimmer of light from somewhere or someone would pull me back up just before my feet hit the miry clay!

I know there are others out there today whose circumstances are threatening to destroy all faith and hope you have! I want to encourage you that first, you are NOT ALONE!  Others of us are facing these dark days also.  The enemy wants you to think that God has forgotten you and that you are the only one suffering.  It's a lie from the pit of hell!  You are not alone! God promises that He will never leave us or forsake us!  Second, know that your circumstances are not your reality!  That's hard for me to hear and believe right now too.  But God has taught me enough in the past two years that I know it's true.  What He says about me and my life is my reality!  I just have to hold on, keep praying, keep speaking those things that are not as though they are until His will comes to earth and invades my circumstances just like it is in heaven!  I am not there yet!  But I have just enough hope and belief that it WILL happen and that God will NOT leave me in this dark place, that I hold on!  And I want to encourage you to hold on too!  Find someone who has the faith to stand with you! Ask them to pray with you!

You might ask why do we have to go through this?  Well, I believe it is because we are on the verge of break through and victory like we have never known!  I believe the enemy is trying to take us down before we get to experience the goodness and faithfulness of God in a way we have never before known and will forever change who we are on this earth!  We will know a new and deeper level of intimacy with our Creator that will make us a force for impact on the hurting world around us!  And I also believe that is why God allows this darkness for a moment.  He is about to show himself strong, mighty and faithful in a way we have never seen!

So if you find yourself holding onto hope by only your fingertips, please hold on!  I firmly believe there are areas where our faith is about to be made sight in areas that you have been believing for years!  Don't stop right before the victory! Hang on with me!