Identity Theft

"Identity theft started in the garden." Matt Oxley, Pastor at The Creek Church Fort Worth

That one statement started a realization and a glimmer of light in the very dark place I have found myself spiraling for some weeks now.  I wish I had written this on Sunday because I was basking in the light that was shining and pushing away the darkness with this new realization.  However, today is Thursday and as so often happens, as the week has progressed, the darkness has crept back in and I write this from a place of needing to hear it myself again! Normally, I would probably just not write about it since I find myself right back in this place.  But as I have visited with other moms this week, I realize that what I am in the middle of is a common place for many who are parenting any children, but especially children who have come to them from a place of trauma.  There are also women who have been called to do something as a mom - adoption, home schooling, staying home when they thought career was their goal, being called to go back to work when they thought staying home would be their life until kids left, unplanned pregnancy later in life - that was not in their plan.  All these things have one thing in common - surrender! They all require us as women to surrender our plans and our belief of what being a mom looked like in our lives to the One who is calling us out of that!  And with that surrender comes a trust that He will hold us close and provide what we need as we walk out the calling.

I keep saying this has been a hard season, but it has.  It has stretched me in every way possible beyond what I ever dreamed being capable of stretching.  It has left me "sore" emotionally, at times physically as my body has responded to the stress it carries, and most of all spiritually.  It has left small cracks in my armor that the enemy has used to insert a half truth or two.  In my fog of the past few weeks of feeling myself slipping down into a place of feeling overwhelmed, at times hopeless, and even wondering if depression was creeping back in to stay, I have focused more on circumstances than Truth.  I knew that somewhere in my heart, but it was if even knowing that, I could not put my finger on what was wrong or how to stop it.  I was still doing my quiet time (key word "quiet"!) when I could manage to get a few minutes without children awake and making demands.  I was still having personal worship time where I cried out to God and poured my heart back to Him. I would have moments of total thankfulness for what He has given to me that I would pour out to Him.  If there was a checklist of things to do to get you back on track, I had done them...but still the dark cloud remained.

When Matt said in his sermon Sunday, "Identity theft started in the garden, " I knew that was the explanation of my current state!  Because of the circumstances around some of my children and the current issues it was causing in our home, the enemy had stolen my identity as a mother!  He had started with the half truths that were so believable because they had truth in them!  But then he kept on with his lies until he had me at a place where all joy and desire to be a mother had been replaced with bitterness and exhaustion and hopelessness! He stole my identity.  But Matt reminded me that the enemy is defeated!  For weeks I had listened to the little whispers, most of which were lies but were sprinkled with just enough truth to make them believable, and found myself in a place of being totally defeated as a mother.  Being a wife and mother was all I had ever wanted from the time I was a little girl!  And the enemy had taken and stolen that from me with his lies!

But here is the Truth! Revelation 12:10 "Then I heard a loud voice in heaven saying, 'Now the salvation, and the power, and the kingdom of our God and the authority of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brethren has been thrown down, he who accuses them before our God day and night.  And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony and they did not love their life even when faced with death."  (emphasis mine)  Did you catch that? He accuses us day and night, but he has been Thrown. Down.  We have Overcome him! Romans 8:37 says it like this, "But in all things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us." I can take my identity back! 

How do I do that?  First, I get my eyes of circumstances that have allowed me to believe the lies, and I place them on Jesus that rose from the grave with the keys in His hand that unlock any chain of bondage that the enemy tries to wrap me up in!  Then I replace the lies the enemy has whispered over me with Truth!  I dig into the Word and find scriptures to literally speak over myself when I hear the lies!  I also have to daily lay down my life and take up my cross.  You see the decision to parent 9 children wasn't a one time choice.  It is a daily decision to lay down what "could have been" if we had not said yes to what God asked us to do and accept that what He has for us is better than anything that we could have gained in saying no.  It is taking those keys that Jesus gives us to unlock our prisons and as Matt said to shake them in the face of the enemy and remind him that I am free, and I am unwilling to put myself back in a prison by believing his lies! I am taking back my identity!  I encourage you to do the same in whatever area you may have found the enemy trying to steal who you are in Christ!

John 8:36 "So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed!" 

He Will Not Leave You As Orphans

Yesterday was one of the best days in the life of a mother!  I watched as John baptized our son Toben Obadiah.  Toben accepted Christ as his savior a couple months ago, but I was not here.  John was the one who had the privileged of having that conversation with him!  So it was a special day to watch the symbolic act of my son being buried with Christ and raise to walk as a new man in his identity in Christ!

The biggest lesson I learned from our loss of our first baby to a miscarriage is that my children are not mine.  I had no idea all that being a mother would take me through on that day in January almost 17 years ago, but I knew that children were God's.  He would give them to us for the time He needed for His purposes in His kingdom!  That lesson has been reinforced time and time again...and I was reminded of it again yesterday as I watched my son, born in Liberia half a world away, come up out of that water as a follower of Jesus Christ!

Obviously, this is a huge deal for any of my children! But when one of our kiddos that God placed in our family through adoption makes their profession of faith, it is such a huge reminder of the call on the lives of God's people for adoption.  As I watched yesterday, I thought of his first mother who I owe everything!  I wished I could pick up the phone and call her or text her pictures of our boy so she could rejoice with us that our son had given his life to Jesus!  But I also thought of the hard days.  I thought of the ten days we waited in Liberia because the enemy tried to keep our son from the destiny God had for him.  I rejoiced once again as the enemy was defeated as Toben raised up out of the water a new creation in Christ! See, I know without a doubt, adoption is about new life.  It's about new identities.  It is what our adoption in Christ means, and it is what the adoption of my children in the natural means!

I desperately needed that reminder yesterday! It's been a hard season.  But as I watched my son demonstrate his commitment to make Jesus Lord of his life, I was encouraged and renewed in my commitment to hand over my life - daily - to my Lord and Savior!


"I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you." John 14:18

Ava: Today is the day

We finally have insurance approval, and today is the day we go for the blood draw for the Fragile X and chromosomal tests.  Ava is worried about the blood draw, but I reminded her how brave she was last time we had to draw blood! She didn't even cry!  So she asked if they could get the blood from the same arm in the same place! :) And then it was all better.  That is what I love about her!

Today really isn't such a bid deal.  I mean, all we are doing is drawing blood.  But for me, as a mother, today is kind of tough.  I think in the processing of what we are learning, today means that we truly know there is something that we don't know.  Today means there is something that doesn't function as it should in my daughter's body.  And for a mamma, that really is kind of a big deal.

I have sat and listened to "It is Well" by Bethel over and over.  Can I be honest? I am not there right now.  I am not ok with this! However, I can sincerely sing the song as a prayer that God will continue to work and mature me to a place where no matter what the tests say or what my little girl has to face because of what the tests show, it will be well.  And I know the key to that is how the song ends..."through it all, my eyes are on You".

Placing my eyes on Him and headed to school to pick up my little warrior and get this done! Then....we might just go have lunch and do some shopping! Shhhh! Don't tell the school!  :) But I think this mamma needs some time with my baby today!

What Frozen Taught Me About My Children From Hard Places

Like most of you, I am sure, we own Frozen.  And like most of you, we have watched it 1,439 times.  Madison can almost quote it word for word! We hadn't watched it in a while, and she asked to watch it the other day.  I have to admit, I really like do like the movie...and the songs!  I can relate to a lot of the sentiment in Let it Go! And to be honest, I usually join in the crooning with Madison and the other toddlers when the songs come on during the movie!  But this time as "Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" played, I was struck by the scene where the father is putting the gloves on Elsa's hands.  With a smile on his face showing that he truly only has Elsa's best interest at heart, he slips the glove on her hand and says, "Conceal it" which Elsa finishes with "Don't feel it".  Then in unison, they say, "Don't let it show."

I was immediately struck by just how much of a picture that is in so many homes where we have children with a history of trauma!  How many times have we handed our kids "gloves" to put over their hurts and simply said, conceal it.  Don't feel it.  And they repeat, "Don't let it show!" Just like Elsa's father, we have the best intentions, right?  We want to protect our children from the hurts they have suffered in the past, and we want to protect our children from what other people will think of them, or if we are really honest, what other people will think of us if they "show" their true colors by acting out in their hurt or wounds. "Conceal it, don't feel it. Don't let it show!"

With that thinking in mind, I rewind the disc and listen to more of this scenario and am brought to tears as I think of how I have reacted at times to my children.  As soon as the parents throw open the door to the ballroom and see Elsa holding a limp Anna and ice all around, the father in a very stern voice says, "Elsa! What have you done?!" Immediately Elsa feels guilty, sad and starts trying to explain.  What had she done? She had been innocently playing with her sister and accidentally injured her by over zealously using her power in fun.  How many times have my children been snapped at simply because they were acting in fun and because of their past trauma didn't realize they were hurting someone?  Have I stopped and given them time to explain?  Have I stopped and explained to them that I am not mad or upset with them, but just explain why the behavior is not ok? Have I stopped and given them an opportunity to empathize with the person they hurt and then apologize for hurting them? The parents do what many of us do in a crisis with our children from trauma...we scoop them up and take them to the specialist, right?! This is a very loving and logical act.  But sometimes we get poor advice from "specialists" and sometimes maybe perhaps we over reacted to good advice.  The specialist tells the father that there is beauty in Elsa's gift, but there is also real danger and fear is her enemy.  The dad immediately starts spewing all he will do to protect her...and it ends in complete isolation.  Again, this is a father with the most loving intentions toward his daughter, but in his haste and perhaps his own fear of the opinion of others, makes decisions that actually reinforces the one thing that makes the matter worse...fear. "Conceal it, don't feel it.  Don't let it show!"

Then we see the "other" daughter outside the door begging Elsa to come out and play.  Her memory has been wiped clean of all that has happened.  I see Anna as many children in families who are accepting the call to love the orphaned and are having to experience the pain and frustration of sharing their home with children from hard places.  Anna has no idea why all of a sudden Elsa cannot come out and play.  Anna is deeply wounded when Elsa tells her to go away, because Anna just does not understand Elsa!  Elsa has no desire to wound Anna.  Again, her fears, her isolation requires her to shove Anna away when what she wants more than anything is to throw open the doors and build the snowman with Anna!  I see this so many times in families.  Children already in the home come into these situations with expectations of adding an older brother or sister that they have always longed for to their family.  Or they are finally getting that little sibling they have always wanted to care for.  Then when that child with all his trauma induced behavior arrives, the dreams shatter quickly.  Neither child is at "fault"! It is just a side effect of children who have been abused and neglected and children who have been loved and nurtured learning to live in harmony in the same family.  Are we preparing our children who are already in the home for the potential immaturity of an "older" sibling?  Are we preparing our children who are already in the home for the outbursts and stiff armed shoves of the younger child who doesn't know how to let anyone love or care for or nurture them?  Are we teaching our children empathy as these incidents occur?  Or are we taking the "side" of our children already in the home and becoming offended with them at the immature, illogical and at times irrational behaviors of the children from trauma? Are we making room for our wounded children to learn how to interact with others or are we simply putting them in a room, locking the door and asking them to do the same?  "Conceal it, don't feel it.  Don't let it show!"

From the first time I saw the movie, the wisdom in the troll when he says, "you are lucky it was not her heart.  The heart cannot be so easily changed, but the mind, it can be persuaded," has struck me as profound!  When these children come into our homes, we "know" they are safe! But the thing is, until they "know" they are safe, it really doesn't matter what we "know".  And even if they "know" in their head this is a safe place, the healing doesn't start until the heart knows it's a safe place! And the heart cannot be so easily changed.

But here is the good news, the heart CAN. BE. CHANGED! How?  We have to teach them to LET. IT. GO!  Listen to the words of that song with your children from trauma in mind! We know there is a storm raging inside of them!  In order for them to come to healing, we have to allow them to take off the gloves, feel what they really feel and deal with what all that means! That means we may have to let them "freeze" a few things in the process.  We may end up with some ice castles and disasters in the wake of them learning to handle their thoughts and emotions from their past.  But when we do, oh the beauty we will see!  They will begin to use their wounds to make ice sculptures instead of weapons! We will begin to see them blossom into the children God intended them to be! They are worth redeeming!  They are worth whatever it takes to redeem this generation!

"As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result...." Genesis 50:20


** Disclaimer: If you, like me see this and have remorse over how you have responded at times to your children from trauma because you were worn out, tired or just plain on edge, do not let this bring guilt!  Repent, and move on! Wipe your own slate clean and giver yourself a fresh start just like you do your children! Go give that child a great big hug!  If the offense against them occurred recently, go apologize for losing it with them or reacting negatively.  You might just be surprised how far an apology will go! And most of all, know You. Are. Not. Alone!

Alive and Active

I had to smile as I pulled up my blog to write this post! The title of the last post was "still waiting".  You will see the irony in that in just a minute!

One of Ava's biggest struggles is memory.  Learning math facts, memorizing spelling words, things like that are a real struggle.  And she may have it down today, but then tomorrow it may be as if we never even talked about it.

So yesterday when I picked her up from her church service and she told me she got an extra treat because she already said her memory verse, I am sure I had a puzzled look on my face.  She danced around with that light that shines so brightly in her saying, "I already memorized it!  I did it during the service!  I know it already!"  Then she proceeds to say it....."Wait on the Lord, be strong and courageous. Wait on the Lord Psalm 27 dot, dot 14" (she really says "dot, dot"!!)  I was impressed.  But can I confess there was a thought that passed through my mind that went something like, "we'll see if she can still say it in the morning."

She proceeded to repeat it all throughout the evening last night.  Enough, that I now have it memorized! And my memory is mediocre at best! God in His ever humbling ways brought this exact verse to mind just this morning as I was becoming impatient with some circumstances in my life and wanted to just run away from them!  "Wait on the Lord! be strong (some translations then say) and don't lose hope. Wait on the Lord."  One of the things that Ava said when she told us she memorized it was that God said "Wait on the Lord" twice! John reminded her that when God repeats himself, He really wants us to listen!

Again, God has used my children to teach me a couple of valuable lessons!  First, the Word of God is alive and active!  It is sharper than a double edged sword and will divide bone and marrow.  No, Ava may not be able to remember that 4+6=10, but the Word of God being alive and active planted itself in the deepest recess of who she is and easily comes to her mind...even this morning after sleeping on it! And second, Miss Ava reminded me that waiting on God is important....after all, He said it twice!

Still waiting...

A friend text me and said she had been watching my blog for an update on Ava (thanks, Tracey! :) ).  I sometimes forget that my blog readers are not all on Facebook where I update with small things here and there.  So let me update on Ava's appointment that I talked about in the last post.

The appointment went well.  We really liked the doctor.  She listened to what we had to say and worked with us to talk through possible scenarios.  Overall, the appointment was good...except that the reality that we may never "know" what is happening with our sweet girl.  The doctor didn't really think that she has Fragile X, but there are enough symptoms that warrant testing for it.  There are a couple of other genetic disorders that she has symptoms of, so we are starting with testing for those things.  If they all come back negative, then we will move to whole exome testing.  And we can't start any testing until we get insurance approval, which is where we are right now....waiting on insurance!
One really great blessing is that we found out that the testing that runs $10K-$15K can be done for about $300 out of pocket with some funding that is available since this is all fairly new research and testing as things go in the medical world.

We appreciate all of the prayers and those following her story!  I have to say the whole experience has made me press in closer to our Maker and listen for what Ava is created for in order to equip her in the absolute best way possible for what God has for her!  Because no test results will change one thing that we already know, she is made exactly how she needs to be made in order to do what God has for her to do for His Kingdom and to bring Him the most possible glory!

Our Ava

Tomorrow is the day! We have waited two months for the appointment and Ava's lifetime for the answers. We haven't shared a ton about our miss Ava.  Mostly because we have never really known what there was to share.

At the park!

She was born at 37 weeks due to me having a potential for blood clots.  For those who don't know our family well, she is one of our biological children.  So her pregnancy had no drugs, no alcohol and no trauma.  Of our nine children, she is one of the least likely to have any "issues" based solely on her start in life.  Yet, from the beginning she has had a bit of a struggle.  She wasn't too interested in breathing those first few hours and was under an oxygen bubble for the first 36 hours of life.  Then a newborn screening came back abnormal. But the second one was normal.  There were no symptoms or signs of anything happening, so we continued on with our healthy baby girl.  Our pediatrician was always a bit concerned.  However, he was the glass half empty guy, and I was the one pointing out it was half full.  While I always appreciated his aggressive desire to ensure all was well, I also was quite certain from how my baby girl was doing that he was concerned for no reason.  It wasn't until the delay in her walking that I wondered if his concerns were valid.  Then there were the times that she played alone...too long.  I would talk to family about my concerns, but everyone dismissed them with simple explanations.  I would tuck them away and tell myself I was being paranoid.  Those who know me well know that I have zero memory!  It's why I really NEED to scrapbook!  But when I do have a memory, it is very vivid and usually significant.  It's like a snapshot that needed to be recorded for future reference.  I have one of those memories about my Ava.  When she was about 18 months old, I took all three kids to the park.  We were there about 30 minutes.  The entire time we were there, Ava would walk up the three steps on the jungle gym, walk halfway down the walk way, turn around, come back the way she came, down the stairs, then turn around and do it all again....for 30 minutes!  She never left to go swing, she never left to go to the slide, she never left to dig in the sand.  Just the same motion over and over.  Again, I expressed my concern to John and my parents.  I was most certain there were some signs of her possibly being on the Autism spectrum.  Although at that time is when Autism was just beginning to be a household name.  No one really felt my concerns were valid, so again, I tucked them away.  Then there was the way she rarely looked at a camera when we would take her picture.  She will make eye contact with you to talk to you, but as soon as you put up a camera, she will divert her eyes many times.  Maybe just a quirky thing she does? Maybe a sign of something more?  

Ava at about three years old

 Her language didn't seem to develop quite as quickly as it should have.  Then there was the broken arm just before she turned two that happened from a simple fall from the couch.  All of it along with a larger head circumference and extremely long fingers and toes always made our pediatrician a bit concerned.  Around age 4, it became more evident that there were some physical limitations.  I found myself constantly reaching out for her as she often lost her balance resulting in a fall.  She was unable to stand on one foot and balance.  Yet therapy was not making much progress. We had an MRI that came back normal.  Dr. Nabulsi said he wanted us to go see a neurologist.  So off to Fort Worth we go.  We would learn of a disorder that seemed to fit her symptoms.  We scheduled a spinal tap and returned for the procedure a few weeks later.  The results came in as inconclusive.  However that did not rule out the diagnosis, and the doctor along with John and I felt it was more likely than not that she had Depo Responsive Dystonia.  She began taking medicine that is given to Parkinson's disease patience.  We saw a decrease in her stumbling and falling.  It appeared that she her speech was a bit easier to understand and came more readily for her.  And that was the "real test" we were told of whether or not she had the dystonia.  If the medicine worked, then it was for sure the case.  We were so thankful we had found it.  Many children are misdiagnosed with cerebral palsy and ended up in wheelchairs until the correct diagnosis was found.  Then with the medicine, they were back to normal function.  We thought we had our answer and proceeded with life normally.

 It was evident from the beginning that Ava marched to her own drum! She was an extremely happy and compliant child!  She rarely ever, and still to this day, rarely does get in trouble.  She has an incredible connection with God!  I am jealous at times at the way she believes and the faith that she talks about.  She accepted Jesus as her savior on her own...I asked her if she had thought about it one day, and she laughed and told me she had done that weeks ago at church during worship when God had spoken to her! Got to love a testimony like that!  Just a few months ago, she was walking down the stairs and got about  halfway down before turning around and running back up to me in the playroom with an excitement that was exuding from every part of her being yelling, "He touched me!  I was walking down the stairs and God touched me on the shoulder!" While reading that, you might doubt the validity, seeing the glow in her eyes when she said it left no room for doubt that in fact, she had been in the presence of God!

After moving to Fort Worth, her second grade teachers revealed that she had absolutely zero ability to comprehend math.  Its a long story that I really should share some time, but I am so thankful for these teachers!  It was with this information that we began again searching.  I always felt in the back of my mind that there was something else! There was something we were missing...call is mother's intuition or  God's prompting, but I knew we needed to keep digging.  But our neurologist was a bit dismissive.  Diagnosis were thrown around here and there, but nothing that we could nail down.

Then one day one of my perspective adoptive moms called me to talk about a file she was reading for a potential placement.  In the file was a genetic disorder that I had never heard of.  Normally, I do not stop to look up those types of things on the cases unless I am pretty certain that placement will happen. That did not seem to be the case this time but for some reason that can only be explained as the hand of God, I stopped and googled "Fragile X Syndrome".  As I read through the symptoms, it was as if someone had been in our home for the past few years keeping a journal on Ava.  Tears began to fall uncontrollably.  The first emotion was joy and satisfaction!  We might FINALLY have a definite answer to what is going on with our daughter.  But those emotions quickly turned to dread and fear as the reality of what that diagnosis means.  I guess as long as you don't know, there is hope that it's just late development.  There is hope that it's all just coincidental and in the end, it's all going to go away and she will be "normal".  But with a diagnosis, those hopes fade quickly.

Tomorrow is the day that we go to talk to the geneticist about Fragile X.  We will have the testing done and wait for the results.  Can I be honest? I don't even know how to pray! Of course, I want the results to be negative because NO ONE wants their child to have an illness...most definitely not a genetic disorder that could mean a much different future than you had dreamed for your child before you knew of the words that now hold so much weight: Fragile X Syndrome.  But a negative test result will not automatically erase all of the symptoms that have us searching for answers! And we need answers! Ava is an amazing little girl who brings joy to anyone who knows her!  She says good morning by name to everyone she passes in the school, and they smile back with a "Good morning, Ava!" But she is starting to notice that she doesn't exactly work like the other kids.  She is beginning to notice that she is a little different.  We champion different in our house! But my words of encouragement as a mom, I know all too well, will only carry so much weight the older she gets and the more defined the differences may become. We need an answer to give her! We need to be able to tell her "this is why" you work this way!

So if we come to mind, pray for us! Most days, it doesn't even cross my mind.  But then there are moments like the other day when I came across this picture.

And looking into that sweet face sitting in front of me, I was overcome with emotions and a desire to go back to this day!  We didn't know anything was wrong here! We had no idea that we would one day be wondering what the future held for our baby girl.  We had no idea of the struggles she would be facing even as an 8 year old.  I just wanted to go back to the innocence and to some extent ignorance.  

But despite what the test results say, this I know. Ava Claire is fearfully and wonderfully made by God Almighty!  He knit her together in my womb for His purposes! He has a plan and a future for her that is good and prosperous! It may not look like how we thought it would look, but it is full of His purpose and potential for His glory all the same!  And when He knit her together, He put a determination in her like none that I have ever known and certainly never seen in a child of her age! It has served her well....and makes her an inspiration to just about anyone who knows her! And He had held her closely, for what I have no doubt will be a lifetime of her using whatever challenges she has to bring her Creator even more glory! 

I surrender....

So today was not a Hallmark movie day at the Petree house! In fact, more than once, I found myself at the end of my rope.  I quit at least twice today!  We are in a really rough phase with two of our kiddos from hard places.  I heard at a conference last year the term "specialized parenting" to describe how you have to parent children with a history of abuse or trauma.  I thought of that several times today and wondered if God realized He gave these precious ones in need of specialized parenting a pretty ordinary mother who was thinking she really can't supply all they need.  So many times peole tell me, "I could never do what you do"....well, I have news for you, today, I couldn't do it either!

You see, the only way I do what I do is through total surrender! Maybe you aren't suppose to parent 9 children with four of them being 4 years apart in age.  But if God asked you to do it, you could do it...through surrender! Because I can't do it either...without surrender!

Having just finished the Christmas season, there were many times the thought, "if....." came into my mind.  "If we didn't have 8 children at home we could...." "If we didn't have four kids who are four and under we could..." If we didn't have so many children who require specialized parenting that wears. me. out we could.....  Now I know these thoughts are from the enemy and on a good day, I take them captive and shut them down before they ever take root!  But on a bad day, when things have been particularly rough, I venture down that rabbit trail just a bit in my mind.

The truth is, at any point that John and I said yes to any of the children in our home, both the adopted ones and "unplanned" biological ones, we could have said no.  We could have said to God, taking in a fifth child will cost us too much.  We are going to stay comfortable with our four and no more.  We could have said losing two from failed adoption and death is enough, we will stay content with our three.  We could have said our children have suffered enough over the past year, we are not adding a newborn and 11 month old to our family so that the healing scab is ripped off and the hemorrhaging starts again.  We could have told God, I can't do that.  And honestly, in a couple of instances, I did.  However, He would continue to speak and ask me to surrender comfort, fears, expectations, my view of a "perfect life".  And in a matter of time, I would come to a place of total surrender where my true desire was to do that which He was calling me to do!

You see, when we look at people and say, "I can't do that".  Maybe what we are saying is, I couldn't surrender that much. Just minutes ago, friends of mine said goodbye to their baby boy.  I look at their pictures and think, "I couldn't do that!"  But that baby boy and his story reached 100,000 people in the month he was on this earth.  His last post included the gospel with an invitation for those who don't know Jesus to meet Him!  That my friends, is faith and trust! That is surrender!

What is God asking you to do that you look at and say, "I can't do that!"  Is it staying in a loveless marriage?  Is it adopting a teenager from the foster system?  Is it leaving a lifelong career to follow a dream He gave you years ago?  Is it walking away from a friendship that is toxic? If you're answer to a decision you are wrestling with is, "I can't do that!"  Then perhaps you need to revisit it and ask, "What am I not willing to surrender to do that?"  You see, God asks us to give it ALL to Him!  That means my "right" to have a comfortable life because we worked hard to get here.  That means my right to use the bathroon without fingers under the door or "MOM!" being yelled from three different places for the 45.6 seconds I am in there!  Sure my life would be easier in so many ways with less children.  But I also know that every one of these children were placed here by God! And I am thankful that I didn't stop to count the cost at the moment He asked me to accept them as mine....and I am even more thankful that He didn't stop to count the cost when He sent his very own Son to the cross for me!  So what do you need to surrender to turn your "can't" into a "can"?

A Word from the Lord for Parents

I wrote down "strong and courageous" in my journal.  I felt in my spirit God was going to ask me to step out of my comfort zone in 2015 to speak boldly for Him.  I wrote down Acts 4:29-31 "grant to your servants to continue to speak your word with all boldness, while you stretch out your hand to heal, and signs and wonders are performed through the name of your holy servant Jesus.” And when they had prayed, the place in which they were gathered together was shaken, and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and continued to speak the word of God with boldness." I just didn't think it would happen at 1:00 am on New Year's Day!  He didn't waste any time! 

I have had Words for people a few times, but never a Word for the Body...until now.  The message from God was strong enough that I couldn't go back to sleep until I got it out there..so here goes (at 3:46 am)...

I used to be a very vivid and regular dreamer.  However, I would not say that many if any of my dreams were spiritual in nature...or maybe they were and I just didn't have the maturity to know it.  Anyway, I haven't dreamed like that for a few a years now.  Now if I have a dream, it is almost always spiritual.  However, not always from God.  Sometimes they are nightmares, but whenever I dream, it is vivid! I woke up just after midnight from a very vivid dream. I don't remember being afraid in the dream, but when I woke, the first feeling I had was fear.  It wasn't the "in awe of you" kind of fear, but the heart racing, palms sweating type of fear.  That is not from God! So I am not saying God gave me a dream, I believe the enemy planted that to cause fear in me. The details of the dream I don't believe are important, but it involved losing most of the people who are dear to me.  

Just as quickly as the fear came, a peace flooded over me.  Then God spoke.  It was a message that He has been giving to me for a few weeks now.  But this time it was stronger and more urgent.  It is for parents.  It is a reminder that we need to be diligent to be covering our children in prayer.  It was a reminder that the enemy is out to steal, kill and destroy our children.  As the time of Christ's return draws near, the enemy will raise the stakes in his battle for the call on children's lives.  This is not a message of fear!  This is a message of hope and a reminder that we as parents have the authority to cut the enemy off at the knees and place his head under our heel where he belongs.  However, many times in our complacency and busyness of day to day life, we leave the door wide open for him to come into our family, and in particular to our children  This is not a call to say bedtime prayers with our children as we tuck them in, while I believe that is vital as well!  It is a call to get on our knees and war in the heavenlies calling down God's will for our children from heaven to earth and closing all gaps and holes where the enemy can could get a foothold and take them on a detour.

To confirm this Word, when I woke up, I went to my FB page.  At the top is the update of Baby AJ who was born just a few weeks ago at 23 weeks gestation.  He is fighting for his life!  Just below his update is that of another friend's baby who was rushed into emergency brain surgery last week at less than 2 months old.  I believe God has a high call on the lives of these children!  And I believe God is already using their lives for His glory as hundreds if not thousands of people storm the gates of heaven for these two babies while their amazing parents point those watching...medical staff as well as strangers following on FB and other social media...to Jesus!  Then less than an hour after I woke up, my daughter sends me a text message as she is at a sleep over with friends.  It's now about 2:20 am.  We end up texting for almost an hour about some spiritual matters!  For those who don't know my daughter, let me just tell you, she. is. amazing! But it just confirmed that the enemy is desperately trying to steal the faith, joy and calling God has placed on children all over this earth!  And we as parents CANNOT stand by and watch while he does it!  We MUST cover our children in prayer and equip them for life in spiritual warfare!  We have the power, authority and weapons to win this war, but we must pick them up and fight!  2 Corinthians 10: 4-5 For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds.

I believe 2015 is a year that we will see children rising up and leading revival!  I am committed to being on my knees for my children...from 19 to 1! God is calling us to cover them all as there is no junior Holy Spirit and He will use them all no matter their age to draw others to Him!  Whose with me?

Coffee with Mary

Christmas has always made me reflect on Mary with admiration and wonder.  As an unmarried young woman in her 20's I always wondered what it would be like to have been Mary.  Unmarried, virgin, visited by an angel and told that you would give birth to the Savior or the World while remaining a virgin! The Holy Spirit himself would create a child within your womb.  That initial news must have been so amazing! God chose her out of all the women in the world! An angel came and visited her! She was going to be the mother of a baby who would save the world! There had to be some joy and amazing awe that God himself would choose you to be the mother of His Son! And her response is with all the  humility, obedience and respect that I  pray I would answer God with at any request He asked of me, "I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be as you have said."

I have spent three Christmases now in one stage or another of pregnancy.  Again, I would reflect on Mary and how amazing that first Christmas must have been as God was made man and came to earth! Stars showed the way to him.  Men bowed before him.  But I would imagine, to Mary, he was still just her baby boy!

Who wouldn't say yes to a precious baby? I mean, in that moment when the angel came, I would imagine that Mary was overwhelmed with thankfulness for the opportunity to be "the one"! As Christmas approaches this year, I again find myself reflecting on Mary.  But in a new way now.  I don't think about the Mary who stood in awe and appreciation before the angel and accepted the honor of being the mother of Jesus or the Mary who gazed lovingly into the eyes of her newborn baby boy. Instead, I think of the Mary who stood before Joseph trying to convince him that she truly had been visited by an angel and was still a virgin even though she is pregnant.  I think of the Mary who was quite possibly excommunicated from her family and her church.  I think about the Mary who rode on a donkey in the last stages of pregnancy.  I think of the Mary who had to deliver her baby in a stable while next door to an Inn that had rooms filled with people who God had provided "adequate" shelter for that night. I think about the Mary who frantically looked for her 12 year old son only to find him back at the temple.  And I think of the Mary who watched as her son was beaten and then hung on the cross.

This season of life has been by far the hardest I have ever walked.  Hard because of the emotional, physical, financial and spiritual demands.  Hard because life doesn't look in just about any way how I had imagined it.  There is really nothing in this season that is easy or going how I would hope it would go.  And then hard because all that is making life really hard are the things God called me to do.  Life is hard because I said yes!

John took me to an amazing Christmas concert with Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith.  It was the first time I had been able to really sit and enjoy Christmas like I long to do! This truly is the most wonderful time of the year! Even before I was married, Breath of Heaven had become one of my all time favorite Christmas songs.  I sang it at many Christmas events and as a  Sunday special years ago! As Amy Grant began to sing, I really listened to the words in a new light! 

" I have traveled many moonless night, cold and weary....and I wonder what I've done!" As soon as I heard those words, I had a burning desire to have coffee with Mary! I would love to sit down with her and talk about all she thought and felt through the entire process!  Surely, the confident affirmative response to the angel at some point gave way to doubt and fear as the reality of what her "yes" had meant!

"I am waiting in a silent prayer, I am frightened by the load I bear...must I walk this path alone?" When the magnitude of what she had committed to became reality, did Mary buckle under fear and loneliness?  As I head those words, I thought back to just a few nights before as I sat crying out to God as I was overwhelmed with all that life requires right now as mother to 9, wife to 1 and advocate for thousands.  Did Mary feel this way?  Did she even regret her "yes" on some days?

"Do you wonder as you watch my face, if a wiser one should have had my place?"  That has been my heart's cry for weeks now!  God, truly you have over estimated me!  Oh God, surely there was someone more qualified to parent these children, to be wife to this man!  Surely someone with fewer kids should be the one advocating for the thousands!  Surely, God, someone wiser, and more energetic, and more organized, and more......should be doing this! Did Mary really feel that way too?  At any point did she look to heaven and ask, "would a loving God ask me to bear this much hurt?" If she had known the path that her "yes" took her down, would she have said yes that day the angel visited?  Maybe it's just to make me feel less alone in my weakness, but I think maybe she had days, or moments at least, where she wondered why she said yes! In the moments of loneliness, rejection and sorrow, I like to think that as a human, Mary did waiver in her resolve to carry out this plan God had for her.  I like to think that because it makes me feel less alone in my days of doubt.  When I have had days of battles with children who have no impulse control and days of trying to console babies who don't want to be consoled because they have already learned how to "do it alone" and days of wondering if there will ever be time to pour into a marriage that has felt the effects of adding 5 kids in three years. Oh how I wish I could sit down with Mary and ask her how she did it!

But I think I already know.  Just as the song continues, "But I offer all I am, for the mercy of your plan, Help me be strong, help me be, help me......Breath of heaven, hold me together, be forever near me...Breath of heaven lighten my darkness, pour over me Your holiness, for You are holy!"  When the "yes" took more than Mary thought she could provide, I am sure she turned back to the Provider who asked her for the "yes" in the first place!  She knew the answers to continuing the path she had started on was in the relationship with the One who asked her to take the first step! And deep down, I know the same is true for me! And what better time to press into my Savior than during the time when we celebrate His birth! So as I clean marker off the wall AGAIN, as I fight my own fatigue and weary emotions to console another toddler tantrum during this time, I find a little encouragement in thinking that Mary probably had some of the same feelings, doubts and frustrations....and know that if I could, I would call her up and ask her to go to coffee!

Adoption Ministry - A Mandate

November is National Adoption Month.  I have so many blog posts rattling around in my head that I would love to get out in words this month about adoption, but for today the one that just has to get out is what I heard in a church orphan care leadership meeting yesterday.....

My pastor invited me to go with him to The Keep.  It is a new ministry that supports churches who are starting orphan care ministries.  They are doing it right!  As a foster mother, adoptive mother and adoption professional, I sat amazed as they walked us through the process. They have covered all the bases that many times get left behind. They kept saying you can't just preach the emotional sermon, you have to provide the reality based support to the families who answer the call!  YES! YES!!! YES!!!!!!

But one thing that stuck with me more than any other is that they kept saying over and over that orphan care is a mandate! James 1:27 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."  

They kept asking the pastors in the room, "Do you have a music ministry? Do you have a children's ministry? Do you have a youth ministry?" Of course the answer to all those questions was "yes". But then when asked "do you have an orphan ministry?" the majority did not.  The facilitators then boldly asked "why not?!" None of the other ministries are mandated, but orphan care is.  They made the point that we must change Church culture!

As I sat working today and reading a profile of a brother and sister both under 8 years old that their case worker e-mailed saying they have staffed (that means selected a forever family for the children) four times, but every time the family backs out after they read the profile.  I looked at their faces, and the tears just came.  The dam broke! 

We have 140,000 children in the USA who are legally free for adoption, but they remain fatherless, orphans! We have over 300,000 churches in the USA...do the math!  

I get it!  I do!  I read the files almost every day.  They are terrifying!  What am I going to do with the child who gets violent when they get upset? How would that child affect my other children already in the home?  Can I tell you how? It will completely mess them up! Our family has been wrecked by adoption!  I don't just read the files, I live them daily with my precious children. 

With one of our kiddos, it was the attorney, and with another it was the pediatrician.  The "professional" who tried to make us see the reality of what we were doing by continuing to go through with the adoption. "Do you know what this might mean for your family?" "Do you know what this might mean for your future?" "Do you understand adoption means you are taking them on as if they were your own?" My answer is always the same....YES!  I know what it could mean! Do you know what it means if I say "NO"?! This is a child without a mother! If I am not going to be his/her mother, then who will be?

There are 140,000 children in the USA looking in a mirror tonight as they brush their teeth asking, "Who will be my mother?"

Their files are messy!  Their actions are not desirable.  But as one of my amazing adoptive mothers I am working with put it, my file is messy too!  What if Jesus had read my file knowing how my actions would hurt Him, hurt and tarnish other sons and daughters of his, and so decided I wasn't worth it?

But He didn't!  He said I was worth it!  We looked at the "files" of our kids, and we said "you are worth it!"  And our children in our home now have a culture of adoption!  They ask us to adopt more children every time they hear of a child who needs a home!  What is a foreign concept to much of my generation, is a natural part of life to the generation coming after me!

They get the mandate.....but the epidemic is spreading in exponential growth....we can't wait for this generation coming to solve the problem! You...me...the Church of today, we have to get the mandate!

God help us if we do not hear the cries of His children!  There is something that everyone can do!  If you need resources, let me know!  Even if adoption is not what you feel called to, do something....anything!  If you call yourself a son or daughter of God, then it is your mandate!

A little Funny...

Because it seems I am always so heavy on here, I decided ot share a little story about my morning with you!

I had five of the kids in the car early this morning because Callie needed to be to school a little early. That meant I needed to be at three campuses, one of which is twenty mintues away and drop everyone off between 7:20 and 8.  I sent everyone to the car, ran and jumped in and off we went!

I got Ava and Toben dropped off with out incident.  I even managed to get past the crazy crossing guard before she had traffic stopped every direction to wait for a child who was still half a block away and strolling at a pace allowing her to take in every blade of grass and crack in the sidewalk while traffic in all four directions waits and watches....but I digress!

I drive to Madion's pre-school which is at the other elementary in our subdivision.  It is about three miles away, but with school traffic patterns, it can be a bit of a nightmare getting her there on time!  But this morning we are plenty early!  I pull up to the drop off point.  Callie turns around to tell Madison goodbye but instead shock and horror come across her face as she yells, "Mom! Did you not know she is in her nightgown?!"  I die laughing and explain that this is Red Ribbon Week and today is pajama day, so of course I know she is in her nightgown!  What kind of mom would I be to put her in the car and not know she is in her pajamas?!  I get out and go around to the other side of Big Momma to get her out.  When I open the door I see the nightgown...and the bare feet! "Madison, where are your shoes?", I asked knowing that at one point this morning they were on her feet!  "In your room!", comes the sweet reply.  Well, I am not the kind of mom who would not notice her child in her pajamas as she loads the car, but evidently I am the mom that fails to notice she is taking a child to school without shoes!

So I calmly close the van door, tell the teacher waiting to take Madison inside that we will return just as soon as we get her shoes, and I get behind the wheel and drive off as the teacher's gaze follows with a very perplexed yet amused look about her.

So in case you have ever ended up at your destination with a barefoot child, you can now know, you are not alone!

Have a terrific Tuesday!

Holding Onto Hope

This is going to be one of those in the middle of the battle transparent posts!  So you have been warned if you want to continue reading!

The last three weeks have presented some of the darkest days of my life! Even saying that seems a bit silly since the last ten years have brought some heartbreaking circumstances.  Yet, those circumstances did not bring the dark night of the soul or a dread of hopelessness like I have felt over the last few weeks.

There is no event or trigger that I can say brought on these dark days. In fact, this is a time when I believe that strongholds that have been in my life and in the lives of those closest to me are about to be broken once and for all!  This is a time when I believe promises that God gave to me years ago will be fulfilled.  So why the dark days?

I don't have a definite answer.  I can't explain it totally.  All I know is that I have felt on many days like the enemy has literally been trying to kill me.  For anyone who has not "been there", I realize that sounds absurd and a bit crazy.  But for those who have "been there", you will understand that feeling exactly! There were days that I could not even take a deep breath.  There were days that I had to pray and quote scripture through each day just to put one foot in front of the other and fulfill the tasks for that day.  There were days I literally did not think I would make it until time that I could lay my head down on my bed.  I have battled spiritual depression at times in my life, and I have battled chemical depression that required medication for a season.  This has not been like any of those! It has been a darkness of a different level.

So why am I writing about this? It's definitely not feeling like a warm and fuzzy, encouragement to the Body, is it ?  I am writing because I believe there are other Christ followers out there who the enemy is pursuing with the same fervor he is pursuing me!  The time for Christians to impact the world is at hand!  The enemy knows that when we fully understand who we are in Christ, he will have no authority over us.  And he will not let go of that easily!  I have had moments of doubt of everything I know or ever believed about God during these dark days!

This has been a time when even answered prayers didn't seem to change circumstances.  For example, we needed childcare for the four youngest that wouldn't require every penny of my salary to pay.  It took us four months, but we finally had a plan.  It was more money than we had been spending, but it was a plan.  Two weeks into that plan (remember it took us four months!), one of the pieces fell apart and we were back to square one for two of the kids.  I shook my fist at God and asked "WHY?!"  How did He expect me to do this job He has called me to when I don't have childcare?!  And how did He expect me to pay for childcare for four children on the salary He has given me?! Within a few days, He provided an answer and we had childcare set again.  Literally two weeks later, the other original piece of childcare fell apart.  And we were back to square one!  We have found a place for them all to go yet again, but our budget is $300 short of fulfilling the new childcare bill.  I'll have to let you know how He provides for that because as of right now, I am still believing by faith the provision will be there!

I share that to show that during this dark time it has seemed that even answers to prayer to fix circumstances have ended up just being two steps backwards!  It has felt like there is literally no way out of the pit of my circumstances! There is not enough time to get everyone where they need to be. There are not enough hours in the day to do all my job demands.  I would think I was doing great one day, then dinner time would come; and I would realize I hadn't planned ahead and there was nothing for dinner other than hop pockets....and of course no money to eat out!

The troubles of this season have felt as if they have had their hands around my neck squeezing the very breath out of my heavy chest.  I have cried out to God for His help, I have begged for His presence as it was only in those times that I felt His tangible presence that I could breathe! I have begged for the mountains that stood in the way of what I know He has asked me to do to be thrown into the sea. Yet even in the moments when a mountain would move, there seemed to be one right behind it still blocking the path! I have questioned my calling, my giftings, my identity, my value, my faith, my belief and my abilities!

But through it all, there has been this small voice constantly whispering, "What do you know about me?!"  "What do you really believe?!"  And in those moments, I choose to take my eyes of circumstances even if for a second and confirm that somewhere beneath the chaos, the doubt, the overwhelming circumstances, I do have a core belief that God is good!  I do have a core belief that He loves me and will provide my every need!  I do have  core belief that my present trouble is worth whatever is needed to bring about the coming glory for Him! And that is how I have kept holding onto hope! Most days I have only held on by my fingernails as they left ridges on the cliff where I slowly slid down toward the pit of despair that threatened to engulf me!  But before I ever hit that pit, a glimmer of light from somewhere or someone would pull me back up just before my feet hit the miry clay!

I know there are others out there today whose circumstances are threatening to destroy all faith and hope you have! I want to encourage you that first, you are NOT ALONE!  Others of us are facing these dark days also.  The enemy wants you to think that God has forgotten you and that you are the only one suffering.  It's a lie from the pit of hell!  You are not alone! God promises that He will never leave us or forsake us!  Second, know that your circumstances are not your reality!  That's hard for me to hear and believe right now too.  But God has taught me enough in the past two years that I know it's true.  What He says about me and my life is my reality!  I just have to hold on, keep praying, keep speaking those things that are not as though they are until His will comes to earth and invades my circumstances just like it is in heaven!  I am not there yet!  But I have just enough hope and belief that it WILL happen and that God will NOT leave me in this dark place, that I hold on!  And I want to encourage you to hold on too!  Find someone who has the faith to stand with you! Ask them to pray with you!

You might ask why do we have to go through this?  Well, I believe it is because we are on the verge of break through and victory like we have never known!  I believe the enemy is trying to take us down before we get to experience the goodness and faithfulness of God in a way we have never before known and will forever change who we are on this earth!  We will know a new and deeper level of intimacy with our Creator that will make us a force for impact on the hurting world around us!  And I also believe that is why God allows this darkness for a moment.  He is about to show himself strong, mighty and faithful in a way we have never seen!

So if you find yourself holding onto hope by only your fingertips, please hold on!  I firmly believe there are areas where our faith is about to be made sight in areas that you have been believing for years!  Don't stop right before the victory! Hang on with me!

They didn't deserve it and neither do you...but love them anyway

So I am reading reports and evaluations on some kiddos today in hopes of one of my families being a great match as a forever family.  This is one of the hardest parts of my jobs.  I have to read all that these kids have suffered before, and often after, they came into the system we call child "protection".  One particular answer by one of the children has left me in a puddle of tears at my desk.  She is less than 10, and is asked why she came into care.  Her answer: "Because I lied about something."

Oh Jesus, how?  How do we do this to our children?  This precious child of God beleives in her heart that she is in a system that moves her every few months because of something she did!  I am sure worker after worker, and therapist after therapist have told her numerous times that she is in care because of nothing that she did!  But you see these kids are ripe for the enemy's taking!  Because of what the adults in their lives have done or chosen over them, they have a huge void that the enemy runs in and says "It's all your fault!"  They believe in the core of themselves that they are so horendous that no one could love them...not even their own mother or father.

But my tears don't stop for just her, although I could cry a river just on that alone.  My tears stream down my face for all of my friends who are loving these kids!  You see when these kids come into our homes, they are there not because of anything that is their own fault, but becuase of choices of others.  And because of those choices of others, these children behave in ways that can be very hurtful.  They don't know how to love.  They don't know how to trust.  They don't know how to receive love either.  They didn't deserve what these adults did to them...

And the ripple does not stop with these kids.  It now extends to foster and adoptive moms and dads and brothers and sisters who are trying with all that is within them to love this little girl!  Yet in return they get "I hate you!" or they get little jabs like "I love you but not as much as my real mom" or "you're not my family".  Oh friends, they don't mean it!  And even if on some level they do mean it, they don't understand what they are saying!  ...and you don't deserve what the decicions of these adults are not doing to you and your family as you once knew it!

Stay the course!  Do something to give yourself some oxygen!  But don't believe the lies the enemy has told these kids and now wants to scream at you too!  You may very well be the only Jesus they see!  You may be the only true, unconditional love they ever know.  So when they have ripped your heart out, torn it into a million pieces and thrown the pieces back in your face, will you gather those pieces up and take them to your Heavenly Father who sees and knows your pain.  Will you allow Him to mend your heart so that you can then help mend theirs?!  She believes she is in your home because she lied about something...and she believes as soon as she does something just bad enough to you, she will move again.  Hold on moms and dads!  Hold those wounded children and show them the love they may not even know they need.

And if you are not one of these moms or dads loving these children who are in or have been in our foster system, go find someone who is!  Take them a meal, but even better yet, do what you need to in order to give them a child free night just so they can breath again!  Yes, they need prayer, but they need so much more than just your prayers!  They need Jesus with skin on!

And if you are not one of these moms and dads, but God has been calling you into this crazy thing we call adoption, DO IT!  There is a girl who thinks she is in the system because she lied about something!  She needs you to teach her the Truth of God's unconditional and merciful love!  She needs that Truth not just to heal and survive the cruel world she has lived in for her short life, but she needs it to secure her eternity!  If not you, then who?

Lessons on God, Others and Pain from a Slinky!

God uses some of the craziest things to speak to me sometimes!  And this evening in the craziness of getting everyone ready and in bed was one of those times!

Ava had gotten a purple plastic slinky at the dentist today. Side note here.  I took the 7 youngest kids to the dentist by myself today.  Callie was home with a stomach virus so she didn't make her appointment.  Can I tell you that I didn't make it?  After the three year old's complete melt down over having to pick only "one" toy from the toy chest, I sent the SOS telling John to get home ASAP! Just keeping it real! Which really just makes this message all the more relevant on some levels!

Back to the subject.  Ava had chosen the purple plastic slinky as her toy at the dentist.  During the bed time routine, one of the younger ones brings it to me.  It is a mangled mess.  I ask the deliverer of the slinky what happened.  The deliverer of the slinky proceeds to tell me that said child and one of the other children broke it.  I immediately thought of how heart broken Ava will be when she discovers that her prize has been demolished.  I start working feverishly to untangle the mess.  I twist this way.  I turn that way.  But no matter what I do, I can't undo it.  I get a few kinks out, but it is still a tangled mess and looks nothing like the slinky Ava had chosen from the treasure chest....and for the most part is rather useless in this state.

As I was trying to untangle all the plastic curves, God whispered to the deepest part of my soul "This is how I feel when others hurt  you!"  You see, I knew the hurt it was going to cause Ava to discover that her siblings had ruined her toy.  But no amount of wishing or working could erase that two people had exercised free will to destroy something that was not theirs.  No amount of love or desire to protect could keep my two children from hurting my other child. I would have given anything for them to not have done that to her toy.  But even in all my power as the mother of all three children, I could not undo what two had chosen to do in their free will.

The majority of the pain and difficulties in my life over the past 10 years, but truly the last 3, have come as a result of decisions of other people.  I have my own consequences to own due to my own sin and disobedience, but there are many deep, deep wounds that are the results of others.  So many times in the moments when I am truly honest with myself and God, I cry out, "WHY?! Why would you let them do that?  Why would you allow me to hurt in that way?"  And in that moment of untangling a mingled purple plastic toy, God showed me that he never allowed it and that He hurt too!  He showed me that He would have done anything to stop and now to "undo" what His children had chosen in free will to do that caused me pain.  But He showed me that just as my love and desire to shield Ava from the hurt could not stop or undo what had been done by others in free will, so could He not undo what was done to me in free will.

So if you are struggling right now with pain that has been caused by the choices of others, can I tell you that God hurts with you! He is clear in His Word that free will is the way of this world.  He will not force Himself or His ways on anyone.  That person that hurt you was operating out of their own selfish desires.  God did not choose what happened, and He hurts with you now.  He wants to walk through healing with you. He wants to take the pain that was caused by others and use it for His good!

When Ava discovered that her slinky was a tangled mess, she was indeed heartbroken.  As her mother, I responded the only way I knew how to ease her pain, "I will buy you a new one when we find one to undo what had been done."  Can I tell you that God is standing by ready to make new whatever has happened to you?  Can He totally erase what you have been through?  No!  But He does promise in His Word that what the enemy meant for your destruction, He will turn around for your good!  Will you let Him do that today?  Let Him unravel your purple plastic twisted mess and make you knew again!  He hurts where those have hurt you!  Let Him apply His healing balm to those wounds and make you new again!

"Then shall your light break forth like the morning, and your healing (your restoration and the power of a new life) shall spring forth speedily; your righteousness (your rightness, your justice, and your right relationship with God) shall go before you [conducting you to peace and prosperity], and the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard." Isaiah 58:8

They Had a Life Before Gotcha Day

There have been several posts on my news feed about school assignments that are common where they ask for a baby picture and ask questions for which we as adopted parents often do not have answers.  These moments are painful - for them and for us! I know for me they are a reminder that no matter how much I love my children, that love cannot take away the fact that they are adopted.  As hard as we try to make being adopted a very special thing in our family (to the point that Callie used to cry that she was not adopted and hated being biological! Oops! Guess we went overboard at first!), being adopted still means there are missing pieces to the puzzle of their lives. And these assignments pour salt in that wound.

So what do we do with them? As is the case with just about any adoption related discussion, I do not think there is a one-size-fits-all answer.  I think it depends on your child and how he feels about being adopted.  How comfortable is he with that discussion?  But no matter how you decide to handle it, can I encourage you to not send a message that I fear many of us do without even knowing it? Please be careful to not send the message that his life began on Gotcha Day!

I love the Gotcha Day celebrations.  I think celebrating the day our children became a part of our family is something special and definitely worth celebrating!  However, that is not when my children's lives began! They were born somewhere to someone.  Depending on when they came to us they may have had weeks, months or years of life before we even knew about them.  Can I tell you that Gotcha Day doesn't erase that! It sounds absurd, I know.  But how many times when our children ask us something, or an assignment asks us something, do we revert back to something we "know" or something we feel comfortable talking about, which doesn't usually include all the missing pieces that we don't have from their life before us.

I had not really thought of it this way until we adopted a teenager.  She would get angry when we would talk about anything that happened before she came.  We had to have a conversation about the fact that even though I hated that it took 15 years for us to find her, we did have a life before she was in our family. This was hard for her to understand until I asked her if she would be happy if I told her she could not talk about anything during the first 15 years of her life because it made me too sad that I missed it?  I was asking her the question, but really, I heard my voice asking me, "So do you not want to talk about anything that happened for the past 15 years if you are not comfortable talking about her birth mom?"  Ouch!

So what do we do with the school assignments with the questions for which we don't have answers, or the dinner conversations with other kids that are about first words or first foods?  I am not saying I have the answer, but I don't think the answer is to pretend like it didn't happen because it's too painful for us to not have answers! I don't think we need to always revert to Gotcha Day as their beginning just because it's when they began with us.  They did have first words even if we don't know what they are! They did take a first step even if we don't know when it happened! They were a baby even if we don't have a picture!  And while I would love to e-mail every teacher from now until they graduate and tell them that adopted kids have a very hard time with these assignments and it's very insensitive to assign them, that's not the real world.  I cannot follow my adopted children around their entire lives telling people they are adopted so please do not ask them anything about their life before Gotcha Day.

When we talk about those things in our family, we talk about what "could have been" the first word or the first food.  We look at pictures of babies and see if we can find some that look similar and laugh about if they would have that kind of hair or were that chubby. For Toben we have babies who are being carried on their backs and talk about how he probably rode like that on his mamma's back. Is it painful sometimes to not have answers? Yes! But does it change the reality to not talk about it? No! And maybe it's the realist in me, but I would rather them learn to handle the unknowns in their life while they are with me and we can do it together! And what I always want to communicate to them is that their life is perfectly planned and orchestrated by God, their days were numbered before even one came to be - even the days before I entered their lives, even the days before Gotcha Day!

What a Year!

This week we celebrated our one year anniversary in our new home, our new life....in our promised land.  If I had to describe it in one word - SURVIVAL.

And like never before I can relate to the Israelites who after being freed from slavery in Egypt, questioned whether they should have just remained in bondage versus facing the hardships and trials that their new adventure to the Promised Land brought them.

One year ago, I loaded up the van with the four oldest kids living with us and headed six hours away from my husband, my four babies, the majority of my belongings, my home I loved, my new kitchen God had given me, and every person we knew and both sets of our parents which meant all of our support system! But I was excited!  I remember coming up on Sweetwater where there are hundreds of windmills, the new kind that are enormous and white.  However it was dark, so you couldn't see the windmills, you could only see the red lights at the tops of them all blinking.  It was a sea of red blinking lights.  I had an excitement and anticipation swell up in my spirit as I felt God impress on me that the possibilities for all that I longed for were waiting in our new season in our new home and that they were as endless as the red blinking lights on the horizon.

But it took less than 12 hours for those possibilities to begin to seem few and far out of reach! We arrived at 1 am the morning of the first day of school.  I woke up very sleepy and exhausted kids just a few hours later to head to their first day of school in all new schools. We took first day of school pictures in front of the hotel fountain! Not everyone can say that, right?!

 Small town chick had come to big city and didn't have a clue where she was or what she was getting into with traffic that morning.  The elementary kids were 30 minutes late for their first day of school....and it pretty well went like that for the next few months!

We had just taken possession of the house...our stuff and the rest of the family wasn't here yet, but we took a picture on the staircase! I was so excited....then the moving van arrived with all the boxes!

In this year we not only moved away from all friends, family and support, but we encountered some of the biggest trials of our lives.  This year brought the news that our oldest daughter who we left behind in less than great circumstances had been badly beaten up by her boyfriend, and grand-baby number three had been conceived.  We went through two months of making two house payments that consumed over half our paycheck, we fought a custody battle for our two oldest grand babies, watched as our daughter signed termination of rights, started the process to adopt, saw the largest growth in Addy's Hope in five years meaning I would have to travel back to West Texas at least once a month, walked one child through severe morning and anger over our move, and then all the things any move means - new doctors, new child care, new church, endless boxes, redecorating, new paint, and it goes on and on! And beautiful baby number 3 made his debut in this world!

John's first day at work here was just three days after we moved into the house.  It was about noon that day that I realized I had not been left alone with all four of the babies since we had taken custody of the grands.  John had resigned his position to accept his new one just a few days after we had gotten custody of them.  With the transition happening and needing to take time off to not lose it, he was home during most of the time we were packing to move.  I stood in a house FULL of boxes with four children ages three and under wondering how I would ever get unpacked and have any sort of structure to life ever again!

It would be the fist of many times that circumstances would overwhelm me to the point that I would just sit down and cry.  It was all I could do.  In those moments, I became like a grumbling Israelite! It didn't matter what God has for me in the Promised Land, I couldn't see any of it because the circumstances were like the giants that already inhabited my land, and I saw no way around them.  I would have gone back to Midland in a heart beat if it had at all been possible.  None of the promises God had given about the move, none of the potential or possibilities mattered.  I was so overcome by what I saw that faith had no place.  I remember reading about the Israelites and wondering how they could see God do all He had done for them and still grumble.  I don't wonder anymore.  God's hand was all over our move, His hand was all over so many things over the past year, but it didn't matter.  I was still completely and totally overcome with the circumstances of my life.

This year has truly been one of SURVIVAL.  It has been a year of prayers like "God, give me enough strength to get out of bed. God, give me enough energy to make it to when John gets home and there will be another set of hands to change diapers and make sippee cups."  But as I look back over this year, another word comes to mind INTIMACY.  In my need to survive, I pressed into the throne of God like never before.  In my need to just make it one more step on many days, I learned to cry out however many times a day I needed to in order to just make it.  I learned to seek God above all else - because in my moments with Him were when the peace would come.  My moments with Him were when the voices of doubt, fear and insecurity would be silenced....even if for just a few minutes.

And now, 12 months later, there are still many overwhelming circumstances.  But that too has been a lesson of this move....once again learning to live from Heaven to Earth, not looking at circumstances but standing on the promises of God and holding fast to them until circumstance bow a knee and line up with the promises! I have learned to hold to the promises of God found in scripture like never before! I have truly learned what it is for his Word to by my very breath as it is all that kept me breathing!  I no longer ask John to take me back.  I still miss friends and family so badly it physically hurts at times, but as I go back to West Texas, each month, it feels less and less like "home".  Each trip God shows me something else to be thankful for in our move.

But probably the most valuable lesson of the last year is God is faithful!  Even when I don't deserve it, even when I doubt, even when I am whining and complaining, He is still faithful!  I have come to a place  in my spiritual journey where even through the pain of "feeling" deserted, I could still say God is good.  I could still say He is faithful even if I don't see it yet.  Trials that would have left me doubting God's existence - and at times did leave me questioning Him for a moment - were now faced with a belief and stance that no matter what life looks like, I will not waiver in my belief that God is good and He is faithful! He met me right where I was so many times this year with a scripture, praise song or text from an old friend.  He was my everything when it felt like I had nothing.

I know that this season has brought endurance...a trait that I truly struggle with! And just as he has the past 12 months, as I woke me up at 4 and was unable to sleep thinking of all that needed to be done, the first scripture I see is James 1:3 NLT "For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow."  And this morning, as I reflect on the past year, I am thankful!  I am thankful that my endurance has had a chance to grow!  And I am thankful to be able to once again testify that God is faithful, meets you right where you are and stays true to His promises!

And I look forward to the next 12 months.....I am moving into the Promised Land, giants and all!  I am determined to gain all that is mine and not allow the enemy to steal any of it!