the next faith journey! Part Two

To get the beginning, you will need to read Part 1! J

So I went to bed early that night. Really early. I kind of left everything to John that night. I never do that! I didn’t even tuck the kids in bed. I was just kind of done adulting for the day….for the week….for the year. I was frustrated. I was mad. I was sad. I was disappointed. I could feel hopelessness starting to press in again. It’s at that point that I am beginning to recognize where it all is coming from. With God there is ALWAYS hope! So when hopelessness starts, I know the enemy is at play in my mind. I had enough with-it-ness to know I had to get back in the Word if I was going to pull myself up out of the pit I was starting to sink into!

So I set the alarm for early figuring when you go to bed at 8:30, you can afford to get up at 4:00 am to spend time with Jesus. And it was true. I woke up the next morning before my alarm went off (God often does this when He wants to talk to me! And if I get up when I wake up, I usually am wide awake and not tired the rest of the day!) but the darkness was still pressing in and I just could not do it with that first alarm. Sleep did not come with the snooze of the alarm, so I got up the next time it went off. Best move I made all day!

I went into my prayer closet and this verse card hanging on the wall immediately stuck out at me!

 

I didn’t even remember writing that! But it was P.E.R.F.E.C.T. for not only that morning but the pit I had been slipping in and out of for weeks if not months! I snapped this picture and put it on my Insta account – cause you know when you do that it means it really means something! (insert sarcastic tone and wink, wink!) But actually every time someone liked it, I got a notification which brought it right back to mind. A funny thing happened mid-morning. I had a very vague memory of a house John showed me when I woke for a brief second when he came to bed the night before. I remember thinking he was smoking crack for even showing it to me and was lucky I didn’t completely unleash on him. Remember, I was not in a good frame of mind that evening! I don’t normally unleash on my husband for any reason, but I wasn’t exactly myself! So I went to my computer to see if I could find the house.

I found it. It was as bad as I remembered. But this voice said, “that’s the house!” It wasn’t an audible voice. It was in my head. It wasn’t a booming voice in my head. But the more you walk with God, the more you learn what His “voice” sounds like. You know, like when you start dating and your new beau has to say, “This is ____” when you answer the phone (ok maybe I am dating myself here, but we did not used to have phone numbers and names print out before we answered the phone!). But after a few weeks of dating, you recognize the “hello!” on the other end of the line without them having to tell you who they are. That’s kind of how it is with God’s voice too. However, it has been awhile since I’ve heard His voice like that. In fact, He had not dropped a crazy, jump-off-the-ledge faith thought like that since He asked us to take custody of Ella and DJ – 3 years ago! But as I heard that voice,  peace followed by a crazy excitement started bubbling up in my from the inside out! I recognized that feeling immediately!

I knew John was in a meeting, so I simply texted him and asked him to call me. He asked if it was an emergency. I couldn’t hold it in! I told him no, but that I was calling our realtor about the house on Country Club Road and was calling the loan officers to get approved unless he objected! You know what I got back? A text that said:
                K. In this mornings Bethel sermon I listened to it said ‘in the kingdom all lights are green until they are red and you’ll know when they are red’

And that was all the confirmation I needed! I knew we had just taken the first step into a crazy adventure! I had NO IDEA where this adventure would lead us, but I knew I felt an excitement I had not felt in a Very. Long. Time. And I knew I loved my husband more in that moment than I had in a lifetime.

Now it just sounds like a warm and fuzzy story, right. Well, let me tell you about Country Club Road! It is priced $100,000 over our budget. It is 8,122 square feet. Hold on, don’t get too excited. In that 8,122 sq ft, there are only three bedrooms! I am not sure how that happens, but it did! We need 7. I felt sure in that much room we could find a place for four more! But it gets even better (or worse however you want to look at it!) We can tell from the pictures that we would need to get it for around half and maybe even 1/3 what they are asking to be able to purchase it and do the repairs! That's crazy talk in this market! It has been for sale for almost a year, and we would later learn has been uninhabited for almost 2 years. You can see in the pictures that it all needs painted, and it’s pretty clear that most of the carpet in the house has been ripped up. I studied the pictures that day, and the kitchen is amazing  - minus the heating lamps..no joke! heating lamps!..hanging above the island – It has many built ins in the cabinets and what I am almost positive is an industrial refrigerator/freezer like the one we left in our newly remodeled kitchen in West Texas! I found a virtual tour that had pictures with descriptions, and I started planning out the bedrooms!

As that day went on, I began to feel alive again! Truly, I had a feeling of joy and just aliveness that I had not felt in years….probably since we said yes to the babies! And God spoke to me All. Day. Long!

For instance, I had to go to the store. I bought a snack to eat on the run at the deli and placed it in the cart while I loaded my car. I turned my back to put something in the car, and a black bird with beady yellow eyes jumped up on the cart and tried to eat my snack! I started yelling and waving my arms (sure that was a sight for all the other people in the parking lot!) to get him off. He just kind of looked at me, then eventually jumped off the cart onto the ground. That voice I heard earlier said, “Don’t you see! That is exactly what the enemy is doing to you! He is jumping up to steal your joy and your dreams right out from under your nose! And just like you fought that bird off, you will have to fight him off!” It was so vivid and so direct that I teared up right there in the parking lot! That voice. His Voice spoke right to my inner being! I picked up my snack and put it in the car only to return to the cart and find the beady eyed bird back up on the cart again staring at me! Again the He spoke “I have placed this seed of faith in you. The enemy will try to steal it. He will come back even when you have protected it just like the bird and your snack! Do not let him coming back be a sign that the seed is not real. Fight him off. Remind him of his reality. He is defeated. The seed of faith will grow into your dream as long as you don’t let him steal it.” Wow! Just what I needed to hear. And in that moment I decided I was walking this journey of faith with confidence until God put up a distinct red light!

That day, I learned a valuable lesson. Hearing God say “Go!” and then answering with a “Yes!” before you even know the first step makes you feel more alive than anything this world has to offer! I looked in the mirror that night and said, “Welcome back, HollyAnn! I have missed you!” And just like that, I decided to put all fear and doubt and unbelief and fear behind me and Trust! Trust I heard His voice, trust He is good, and trust I could survive the journey – no matter where it takes us! 

Alive Again...the next faith journey! Part One

I have said many times here that this has been a very dark and difficult season. I have thought several times that a light was shining and the darkness was ending. However, we have pretty well stayed in a state of crisis for the last 5 and a half years. If it was not a child in crisis, it was a parent. If it was not one of those, then there was just the very hard and overwhelming tasks of life with a family our size and the unique needs of all of our children. Add to all of that a move across the state which meant having to build new community in the middle of it, and you have the perfect recipe for dark days.

I think I did a fairly good job of navigating the storms for the first couple of  years, but the last three and a half have just been me treading water trying to keep my head from going under. Can anyone relate?! I imagine many can. I don't think this is something only John and I are facing. I hear the same stories from many saints. I think it is the dark days we live in. All hell has literally broken lose, and the enemy is most definitely roaming around seeking whom he may devour! And I have some pretty significant bit marks on my body!

But it doesn't have to be like that! I know that in my head...so why do I walk in the darkness so many days? For me, it is a slow fade. I have days where I have intense and intimate time with God. I coast on that for a few days, then the gas of that time runs out. I don't refuel. Darkness consumes me again.

Let me define my darkness for you. It is not an immediate "lights out" darkness. It starts with that one thought. "Where is God now?" or "See where walking in obedience got you?" If my guard is down and that thought takes root in my mind before I take it captive and make it obedient to what I know is true about my God and replace it with His Living Word, then the darkness slowly takes over. Before I realize it, I am in a state of depression. That makes it hard (read almost impossible) to get up that hour early to spend quality time with God. Which means no Truth going in to hold at bay the deluge of lies that come all day long! For me it looks a lot like overwhelming schedules, chaos that seems to never have order and in my mind is impossible to manage. And just like that, I am putty in the hands of the enemy.

Well, this past week, light broke through the darkness in a way it has not since we said yes to taking custody of our grand babies. For many reasons that I will have to share another time, John and I have been looking at homes with land. One of the reasons is so we can have horses. Ava has started hippo-therapy and we have found something she loves - horses! She has no fear and has found something uniquely hers that she enjoys, can do and is successful! Praise God! You don't really understand the magnitude of something like that for  a child until you have a special needs child who tries and tries everything imaginable, but just has some limitations that means success is just outside of their reach! But there are many other reasons a move is exciting - like getting back to a smaller town. We spent the first 6 years of our marriage in small communities, and we miss that extended family feel that these communities have. We also know for our kids, the opportunities in a small school district are very beneficial - while balancing that with the needs of our kiddos that have been served VERY WELL in our current district!

So what started out as looking out of curiosity of what is out there, has turned into what would appear to be our next faith journey! John and I have always done the "big things" well! It's the day to day that kills us! So we are committing to doing the day to day well while we walk out the big thing this time! It makes it all the more exciting!

I hope to be able to go back and fill in the gaps, but for now, I am just going to say that after our initial looking at properties, I laid down the idea of moving. It was kind of my desires that started the process, and with some circumstances currently and after looking at what was in our budget, I decided it must not be the right time. Now what came with that was some disappointment and maybe even a little bitterness. You see there are some BEAUTIFUL 4 bedroom homes on properties that are picture perfect that are below our budget. But when you factor in needing at least 6 and really 7 bedrooms, well, there just are not many on the market at all, and certainly not in the price range we were looking. The enemy saw the target and went right to work planting the lies that all the yes's we made to God had created a circumstance that made something my heart desired, not just for me but for my children, impossible. And so the darkness continued.

John brought moving back up. And if I am totally honest, I was just slightly peeved that he did. I had found my peace (read had settled into my bitterness about not being able to move) and was ready to gear up for another year or 2 or 8 here. You see it will be 8 years before we have another child entering high school without someone else already in high school! #thingsyoushouldneverhavetosay But there were a couple of open houses in the community that we really wanted to live on a Sunday when an employee of John's was also having a blood drive at that same community. So we decided to go take a look. Both houses were amazing and over the top gorgeous! But again, space is an issue with a family of 10! One had enough land that we could probably make work, but the house just didn't have enough space, no matter how hard I tried to make it work because it was amazing! The other house had enough space, but no land for what we are hoping to add when we move! And it was about 100,000 above our price range! #sigh There was one other house that looked like a possible fit in another community, so we went home through that route that Sunday afternoon. The community was disappointing and not what we knew we wanted to settle into. We REALLY hope this is our last move. I am looking at this as the Camp Glammy and Grumps location for the brood of grandkids we will have the pleasure of loving on in the coming years (and prayerfully sooner rather than later if we are able to be a part of Ezra and Uriah's lives!). So I went to bed pretty defeated Sunday night. I was ticked that I had started thinking about it again only to be disappointed. And I was frustrated again that we needed so much space but had such limited funds for a purchase. The darkness tried to come in a little close....but new mercies would come in the morning.

Saturday was for waiting....

It's Saturday. Yesterday was Good Friday, and tomorrow is Easter. I don't think I have ever seen any significance in Saturday. Until today.

As I was reading through the crucifixion story this morning, a couple of versus stood out that I have never really noticed. Matthew 27:62 says "now on the next day". That would have been Saturday. Jesus' death and resurrection had been prophesied since there was a need for a Savior. The signs of the Old Testament were being fulfilled. On Friday they witnessed Jesus hung on the cross, humiliated, broken, and beaten. They watched as the mid-day sky turned pitch black, and they felt the ground quake beneath their feet as the earth shook for her King! But on Saturday, it was quiet. They were only left with the memories of yesterday and a dead Savior. Where is the hope in that? Even as they talked among themselves about all Jesus had said at the Last Supper, they had no way of knowing for sure what tomorrow would bring! I am sure they began to even doubt of the darkness was really real! "Did the earth really shake or, was I just a little woosy from standing in the sun all day?" Thomas doubted. I am sure Peter lamented his denial wishing he had a do-over. Circumstances and hard evidence left nothing but despair and mourning. On Saturday there was nothing to do but wait.

Wait for the third day....when the promise was to be fulfilled. No amount of wishing, praying, or pouring over the facts would make Sunday come sooner! All there was to do on Saturday was to wait!

That really made me think about my wait. There are SO many things I feel like I am waiting on! So many promises and dreams that I believe are from God, but circumstances just seem to leave me hopeless so many times.

As I walked through my quiet, peaceful house this evening checking on all the kids one last time before heading to bed, I felt an enormous peace rush over me as I walked down the stairs and had the realization that morning is almost here! Sunday brings the good news that He. Is. Alive.

Sunday brings the fulfillment of the prophesies and the promises...but we can't get to Sunday without Saturday.

So today, I asked God to teach me how to wait well. I don't want to passively wait for the promises and Words God has spoken to me. I don't think God expects us to just coast through life waiting for him to show up like a fairy God-Mother (no-pun intended) and grant our wishes. But I also know that when the Saturday becomes long, I become anxious, doubtful, and even sometimes bitter. So today, I am asking God to show me how to wait expectantly and with full trust in Him!

What are you waiting for? Let's wait well because..... SUNDAY IS COMING!

Carrying my Cross

I love how personal God is! I love how many chances He gives me! I love that even when I mess up, He takes me right back! There are a couple of really hard things going on with adoptions in Texas right now. I know without a doubt this is a battle God has called me to. I have tried to walk away - you know "the Lord will fight for you, you keep still" {Exodus 14:14}, but He brings it right back to my door step time and time again. I have finally accepted that this is part of my "for such a time as this" and a way to use so much of our personal as well as professional story that is full of heart ache for good!

But if I am honest with myself, while I have agreed this is my cross to bear, I have not carried it well. I have most definitely not counted it all joy when I have faced trials of many kinds. I have not persevered in order to produce proven character and most certainly did not have hope on many days. In fact, many days, I sat staring at a wall begging for a way out. It. is. hard.

As God would have it, we took communion together as a Body the Sunday after one of these particularly hard weeks. As I contemplated the cross, the load I had been asked to carry obviously waned in a big way! I dropped to my seat in sorrow and remorse that I had been such a complainer that week. Yes, I had been obedient, but I had not been a willing vessel. I had gone kicking and screaming...and kicking some more....and screaming some more!

But as I sat there asking God to forgive me for what the enemy was trying to make me feel like was a huge failure, the visual image of the movies we see with a crucifixion scene came to mind. You know the one where they lay the cross on Jesus' back, he takes two steps and falls to the ground from the weight of the cross and the exhaustion/pain of all he had endured previously and the huge wooden cross tumbles to the ground? That is the image that came to mind! Then that still small voice said, "Why are you being so hard on yourself? Even I had to have someone carry my own cross at some point!" You see the gospels of Mark, Luke and Matthew all state that another man had to carry Jesus' cross up the hill.

Wow! If Jesus struggled to carry his literal cross, why would I not think I would struggle at times to carry mine?! And you know what, the Holly Spirit assured me that day in that pew that He is ok with that! He was pleased that I was still waking the hill, dragging the cross. I hadn't laid it down and walked of, and I hadn't stop altogether! As long as I was continuing in my yes, He could and would continue to use my obedience!

What cross are you struggling to carry? Can I encourage you? It's OK to struggle! Just don't quit! Just don't let the enemy wind the mind games he plays! Keep on keeping on...even when you can't do it with "all joy", just do it! Because God can use even our whiny, limping, complaining, barely making it YES!

There's Two Sides To War

At the beginning of last year, God woke me up with a message that I needed to be on my knees battling for my children. You can read about that here. As I look back over 2015, I see that was an accurate warning...and I wish I had been more diligent to really war, not just the bed time and morning prayer, but on my knees, in the Spirit warring for my children. As I reflected on that coming into this year, God reminded me that my prayer and worship life will dictate a lot about the rest of my life!  So I committed to staying up late, getting up early, whatever it takes to truly war for my family, my ministry, the dreams God has placed inside of me.  After about a week of truly warring like I have never done before (inspired also by the movie War Room and making my own War Room in the closet under our stairs....), I felt like all hell had broken lose again and at a whole new level! One night as I cried out in frustration to God, I had a revelation! In my traditional American Christianity way, I expected things to go smoothly because I had stepped it up....stepped up my obedience in some areas that had been lagging, stepped up my prayer life, stepped up...well, you get the picture! I had the "I did my part, now where are you?!" mentality!

But as I cried out that night, God asked me how many wars I knew of where when one side decided to finally take action and go to war, the other side just laid down their weapons and went away? Well, I thought, with the exception of a couple in the Bible where God just intervened in miraculous ways, all other wars I could think of were two way battles! When the one side decided to fire, the other side fired back!

So I decided to get over my tantrum, I mean let's be honest, I was just throwing a 2 year old tantrum because things were hard, I did what I was told, and it didn't work! But God reminded me that night that it is working! He reminded me that the enemy was defeated at the cross! So what I am facing right now is just his distractions. There is not a question of who wins this war, it is simply a question of will I hang on until the enemy has used all his tricks and understands I am not backing down and goes on to someone else who he can distract and lie to?! So instead of getting discouraged and giving up, I stepped up my game! I have found ways to dive into the Word in new and refreshing ways, like Bible journaling, in order to arm myself for the war....because this gal ain't stopping until I stand firm and stable on the Promise Land God has shown me is mine for the taking!

Hi, My name is HollyAnn, and I am a visionary....

Hi, my names is HollyAnn, and I am a visionary! So what that really means in my world is that I can dream great big huge dreams, but I have a really difficult time getting from here to there! If you need faith to believe something can happen, then I am your girl! If you need an action plan to get there, well, you're out of luck here.

I LOVE the new year. I love that it is a clean slate, a fresh beginning, a new start to dream big dreams. But in reality, those dreams usually fall flat sometime around January 2. Maybe not quite that soon, but you know what I mean.

We have been in a season of trauma and survival for about the past 5 years. We didn't know that was what we were in while we were in it, but looking back we see that clearly. So the last few months have been spent in lots of introspection. There is need for change in a lot of areas. That makes me even more excited about the new year approaching. But I want it to be different this time. I want the dreams to become reality and not just a pipe dream. So I am doing something different.

While I dream big, I often don't ever even get those dreams narrowed down to a vision (God has brought to mind Proverbs 29:18 many times lately ~ Where there is no vision, the people parish KJV), and rarely if ever get that vision narrowed down to tangible goals, and action steps - well - they just don't usually exist in my life. And that is why most of my new year starts ends rather quickly.  But this year I am trying a new thing.  If you are like me and have a really hard time taking your great dreams down to action steps, can I recommend a couple of blog posts from heart.love.always that have really rocked my world! I am loving the practical advise she gives and have clear action steps for my 2016 dreams and goals! Feel free to comment with some of your goals and action steps! My first one is losing 80 pounds this year...and there is the public accountability for that goal! Ready to make 2016 the best year ever!!!

Here are the links to her blog posts!

Smart Approach to Goal Setting

The Top 3 Approach to Goal Planning

He Just Wants Your Yes

God keeps taking back to the first few chapters in Matthew during my time with Him in the mornings.  I was reading in chapter 3 this week after a few weeks of really hard life that has left me feeling like a failure at pretty much everything God has asked me to do....at the top of that list would be parenting 9 children! I thought about all the comments I have received, and I know others who adopt have also, about people who say, "I've thought about it, but...."  And this principle can be added to any calling God has on your life or tug He puts on your heart for any area of service or action He is calling you to.  So many times we don't do _________ (you fill in the blank) because we are afraid we will fail! As I was reading in Matthew 3, I came to verses 16 & 17 that say, "At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and lighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, 'This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.'"

Now I know that verse having grown up in church! But I could have sworn that verse happened at the cross when Jesus had just given up everything, been beaten and died for us! But do you know where that verse is in his life? It's at his YES! It is when John the Baptist baptizes Jesus that God says he is well pleased! It's when Jesus answered the call on his life and stepped into obedience!  It was BEFORE any miracle he would perform. It was BEFORE any people he would speak to that shook social norms. Can I tell you how much that encourages me?! So many times over the last few months I have thought for sure God over estimated my abilities as I have juggled all that I know he has called me to.  I have felt like a failure in most of those areas time and time again even becoming angry with God for asking me to carry this load that was obviously too much for me to carry. (Let me insert here that I know that last statement is theologically inaccurate and a lie from the pit of hell! But it was how I "felt". Feelings are so fickle!) But when I read this verse, I was so excited that God was pleased with me just because I said YES when he called!  When he said to start an agency almost 11 years ago, I said yes even though I was scared and had no idea what I was doing.  He was pleased with my yes every time I missed the mark in that calling because I was learning by the school of hard knocks!  He was pleased with my YES when he asked us to birth and adopt each child that we now call ours even though there have been many days I did not represent Him well to those children.  He is pleased with us when we simply yield ourselves to His will....it's not our big actions and miracles that get this response, it is our obedience and yielded spirit to Him and what He is calling us to!

So if you are like me and have felt like you missed the mark, know that God is so pleased with your yes!  And if you are thinking about a call that God has placed on your life, but you are just not sure you have what it takes, go ahead and say YES! God isn't asking you to have all the answers! He is only asking you to have one answer....YES!

Did Mary wonder?

In my quite time this morning with the Lord, I found myself in Luke 2.  Kind of took me off guard...I mean we just read this chapter around Christmas, right?! But after verse 1, God was already downloading encouragement for some current situations I find myself in.

As I kept reading, I got to the part about no room in the inn.  Mary, the mother of Jesus for goodness sake, had to sleep in a stable! In keeping it real, can I just say if I was Mary, as the last Inn Keeper in Bethlehem revealed that he too was full and had no rooms for them, I would have more than likely stomped my foot and pointed my finger skyward at God and asked, "Really?! I am having YOUR Son, I have given up everything to do as You asked, and You can't even give me a room to sleep in? Do You not realize I am in labor and will most likely give birth to the Son of God in a stable?! Are You seriously not even going to give me a bed or a room to carry out what You have asked?!" I wish we knew if Mary had moments like that or not....but since we know Mary was a human (a very pregnant human I might add), I am assuming there were moments where she wondered.

As I read that and thought about some of my questions to God regarding some of my current circumstances, it brought me comfort to know that if Mary could birth the Son of God in a building meant to house animals, then I can push through some of the circumstances surrounding the things God has called me to do.  It brings a little more perspective to the areas of my life that just seem crazy. The areas where I am left wondering, "If God asked me to do this, why does it look like this?!" Mary's story gives me assurance that even when I find myself in a stable, I am in the center of God's will and call! Difficult circumstances are not an indicator of being on the wrong path, and neither are ideal circumstances an indicator of being on the right path.  In fact, I can testify that some of the most challenging of circumstances came when I was right in the middle of what I knew for a fact to be God's will!

So if you have been wondering why life looks like it does if God asked you to do this thing, can I encourage you this morning that if God can allow the woman He chose to birth His Son to do so in a stable, then maybe, just maybe He can ask you to do what you have been called to do in less than perfect conditions as well!

I Am Signficant

Any of you struggle with insignificance? Can I just tell you that is the number one weapon the enemy has used against me in just about every area of my life for my entire life! I had amazing parents, I was (and still am, by the way!) Daddy's little girl! By all accounts, I should not struggle with insignificance!  Can I tell you something else? The enemy is out to steal, kill and destroy us! He doesn't care what our past is, he only cares what will keep us out of the destiny God is calling us into!

Insignificance has plagued me as a teen who never thought she was good enough for the "in" crowd, to a young adult who was sure no man would ever want what she had to offer because she wasn't what men wanted in a wife.  And now as even a women sure and confident of her calling in life with the blessing of a job in that calling, I have been crippled by insignificance! God has given me dreams and visions for what Addy's Hope can be.  But immediately the enemy comes in with the thoughts, "you are the small agency! You can't do that!"  "You don't have the right degree, the right experience, the right __________ to do that! Just go back to your little corner and take your place among the insignificant people!" And so I would go, head down, tail between my legs, back to my corner all the time telling God why it is I am not enough or don't have enough to do what He has clearly said I should do.

Well, a couple of weeks ago something in me clicked.  I am really not sure what it was.  I don't really even know the exact moment it happened, but at some point the woman inside of me that knows who God made her to be stepped up to the microphone and told those other voices to Shut. Up.

In the last couple of weeks, I have taken steps toward the dreams and visions God has given me for the agency.  I have taken them scared in many cases!  But I have taken them! When I have heard God say, "go here" I have started walking.  He hasn't shown me the destination in most of these circumstances, but I have taken some steps, and I trust that He will show me the next step once this step has come to the end.

Can I tell you something else? I. Like.This. Woman!  I think I want her to stick around awhile!  She tells those voices that say she can't to bow to The Voice that says He made me to do it! Not only CAN I do it, but I WILL do it! When fear starts to creep in she says, "You are welcome to come along for the ride, but you Will. Not. stop me!" When I have taken a step and almost immediately been hit by a circumstance that threatens to knock me off that step into the abyss of doubt and confusion, God has been so faithful to whisper, "But what do I say? You operate in My kingdom!" And I find myself still walking...looking back at that corner I used to return to and realizing the walls have moved and that corner is getting further, and further, and further behind me!

I think there are so many women out there listening to the voices that are sending them back to the corner!  I believe God is doing a work in His daughters! He is calling us out of the corners and into the destiny He has called us to!  We live in a world full of hopeless circumstance, and inside of us, His precious daughters, are the answers to these problems and crisis! It's time we start believing the Truth He speaks about us over the lies we so easily believe! We are clothed with strength and dignity (Proverbs 31:25)! We laugh without fear of the future! What do you say? Will you look for that woman in you that God made you to be? I think if you will stop the lies long enough to get to know her, you will really like her.....and she will stick around leading you into a strength, joy and peace you have never known!  If I can steal a line from a movie that dates me and may not show the best moral compass...It's time we get out of our corners, cause no one puts (insert your name) in a corner! Let's dance this final number with our God who wants to show up and show out with his daughters!! Whose with me?!

She has a home...

This morning I am preparing paperwork for my first teen placement.  And of course, the teen is a girl! I have had several people ask me if it has been hard to place a teenage girl in a home given our experience.  As always, let me be real...I thought it would be.  I worried about how I would walk a family through the process with my reality in the back of my mind.  Could I really ask a family to potentially walk the path that we did almost five years ago? But honestly, it has been exciting, and even therapeutic on some levels.  And on other levels, it has been tough!

First, let me say that placing a teenager in an adoptive home will never get old! This young lady is less than two years from entering the world without a family (what we call "aging out").  There is an estimated 20,000 (no, I didn't add too many 0's) youth who age out of foster care every year in our country.  If you look at statistics, you know that means 20,000 who are very likely to be homeless, in jail, have children who grow up in the system or all three! So knowing that God has given a family to one of those 20,000 and not allowed her to become a statistic! Praise Him! Truly, this is what I am called to do!

So if this is my calling, why didn't God let my experience look more like a Hallmark movie and less like it was? It would be so much easier to talk to families sharing how amazing it had been to adopt a teenager and provide an opportunity for a life she would not have otherwise had.  Somehow, I think more families would want to do it if I could share that story.  But my adoptive families got the real story.  They hear the hard truth of what bringing broken children into your home can do.  So why would I ask them to do that? Because God tells us to!

I have families ask me all the time if I would do it again.  My answer is yes..for many reasons! Mostly because just like this young lady who is being placed tomorrow, she has a home! My daughter will always have a family.  She is not an orphan.  And the most obvious reasons, my grand babies who are now my babies.  Had we not adopted our daughter we would not have been in a place legally to do what we did to provide safety for them at that time.

So as I get the paperwork ready to take to the placement of a 16 year old who will no longer be an orphan, I am more excited than I would ever have thought possible!  Of course the fact that by everyone's account who has worked with her she is an amazing young lady and this family is a super family helps ease any fears or apprehensions I might have! And I am excited for another teen story that I believe will have a happy ending.  And the moments of sadness that I have experienced during this placement as I watch another mother and daughter and hope for them what could have been (and hope will still be some day) for me and my daughter, I have replaced with gratefulness that I have the awesome privilege of walking this family through the days and weeks and months ahead! I am truly a blessed woman to have this job and call in my life!

If God brings them to mind, please pray for this young lady and family.  There will be transition as with any placement. And there will be hard days ahead as they all learn to live and love together as well as grieve what was lost in the past.  Its just part of this crazy journey we call adoption! But oh what an amazing journey it is!

Walking Through the Crashing Waves

We just returned home from a week at the beach! It was a much needed vacation....although I have discovered with 10 children, four of whom are 5 and under, even a vacation is not really a vacation for the parents.  But all the same, it was a wonderful break from the every day demands of work and home! It was good to focus on family, and to have time to just sit and listen to the waves....and to the still, small voice of my Savior!

School doesn't start for another three weeks, but our "fall" is gearing up already this week! Callie starts band camp for color guard, Toben and Ava have some prep classes for the coming year that finish this week, Toben starts football next weekend, Noah starts in two weeks, and school supply shopping has already begun!  And the agency is busier than it has ever been with tons of work demands waiting for me first thing Monday morning.

It's all very exciting stuff!  But honestly, it is all very overwhelming for a girl who just wanted to be a stay at home mom of not quite this many children! Don't get me wrong, I love every single one of my children and am so grateful for them, as I am my job! But all together, all of it is....well....a lot!  Add to that the things God has placed on my heart for the agency, and the waves just seem to be crashing over my head!  So how exactly am I going to do it all?  I know God has called me to be a mom to all of these 9 children, and I know He has called me to this work in adoption.  But I don't always know how I am going to walk through the waters that both of those callings place me in at times.  When the demands hit, it feels like the waves are knocking me down and pushing me under....but God knew I would feel this way as I geared up for the coming days, weeks and months!  And as He is so faithful to do, He spoke to me about it before I even knew I needed to hear it!

One of Ava's struggles with her disorder (no, we still do not know what it is! But should have more testing soon that will hopefully give more definitive answers!) is that she has very weak muscle tone.  She also has very little core strength making balance a real challenge.  So when she would want to go out in the waves with us to ride her boogie-board, it was a real struggle to get out far enough for the waves to be big enough to carry her.  On one of the trips out with her, I told her to get behind me and hold onto my waist.  My body would break the wave for her taking less of a toll on her body, and her hanging onto me would help her balance in the unsteady waters.  As I crashed into the waves with her behind me, I heard God say, "this is how you will do it too! I know I am asking you to go into deep waters that feel like they are knocking you over as the waves crash around you, but if you will follow me - don't get ahead or too far behind, but follow me just as I instruct- I will break the waves for you and make a path for you to walk steadily just as you are for Ava."

Can I tell you how comforting that is?! As I face Monday morning, there are so many heavy burdens that threaten to overcome me from personal, to family, to ministry! But as I think back on that moment, I feel the same excitement Ava did about riding the boogie-board even though it meant getting through the crashing waves first! Those words have given me a renewed desire to press in even closer to my Abba Father and walk where His feet walk as I try to walk in obedience to what He has called me to!

So whatever God is calling you to do, can I encourage you?  Just step out and do it!  He will either calm the waters all together or break the waves for you as you walk with Him! I love my Jesus! Life with Him is always an adventure!


Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand delivers me. ~ Psalm 138:7

Dear Church, Families Need You

After 14 years of knowing I had a call on my life for adoption, my calling and my church are finally meeting! Crazy, but true! I am super excited to be teaming with other adoptive families in my church to provide support for families in all stages of fostering and adoption!

But as we talk to families, I am aware more and more of the need for the Church (with a Big "C") to educate herself! The stories of families are just heart breaking.  John and I experienced first hand the inability of the Church to deal with the mess that often comes with loving the least of these that He calls us to bring into our home.  When our teenage daughter who had lived with us less than a year became pregnant, the immediate reaction of the church was to kick her out of the youth group.  Church had been my resting place in a time when my home was a battle ground.  And now, my church was a battle ground as well as I fought to have my daughter stay where she would be spiritually fed and not experience the feeling of being an outcast yet again in her life.  Another family shared a story of their small group not wanting them to bring their kids back because they told each other to "shut up", and they didn't want that around the other kids in the small group.  How many of you loving kids from hard places know that some days we are so thankful that "shut up" is all our kids are saying to each other! Can I get an "amen?!" Then there is the single mom who was told that her Autistic son was too much of a "liability" for them to allow in the children's ministry.  So you have a woman who has stepped out in faith to walk in obedience ALONE only to have the Church isolate her even more!

I truly believe that none of the leaders in these churches desired to hurt or wound or cripple families loving on children.  However, whether that was the desire or not, that was the outcome! Church, foster and adoptive families need you! They have stepped out in obedience, they have climbed out of the boat onto the water and are about to experience a storm with waves like they have never known before!  And many are doing this in response to sermons preached by pastors on Orphan Sunday! But they need more than a sermon telling them to do it; they need the Body of Christ wrapping around them not shoving them under the water!

What is the answer? I believe it is in education!  I believe church leaders need to understand the needs of these families and educate themselves and the staff or volunteers working with these children about the special needs of a child with a history of abuse and trauma.  There are amazing resources out now.  Get on YouTube and watch anything with Dr. Karyn Purvis.  Read Adopted for Life by Dr. Moore.  Read Wounded Children Healing Homes by Schooler, Smalley and Callahan.  These will give you a feel for what the families you are charged by God with shepherding are experiencing in their day to day life of loving these children and trying desperately to show them the love of Christ!

And to those churches who are already doing this, THANK YOU! I know there are many who are building adoption ministries from the ground up and are ensuring the education and training are in place with staff and volunteers before preaching the sermon encouraging families to answer the call to bring God's children home! Keep up the good work!

Lastly, to families who were wounded by the Church because she didn't know how to respond to your needs or your children as you walk this crazy path of fostering/adopting, on behalf of the Church let me say, I am truly sorry! I know the wounds can run deep and the hurt can be unbearable.  Please allow God to apply His healing balm to your heart and find a Body of believers to connect with who will walk with you!  God never intended for us to do this alone! It is a heavy and exhausting work that you have taken on, and you need others to hold up your arms from time to time.  Orphan care ministries are popping up all over our great country as more and more people answer the call to adopt and understand the needs that go with that.  Try to find one....and if you can't, start one! Just maybe you are the answer your Body of believers needs in this area.....

Trust Without Borders: When You Start to Sink

There is an amazing song by Hillsong that has been popular now for a year or more.  It goes like this:

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

We heard Him call us out upon the waters!  Two years ago today, we received a phone call that would forever change the course of our family.  Our daughter was leaving our grandchildren, then 3 weeks and 11 months old, with John's parents and returning to an abusive relationship.  CPS would be taking the children into custody the following Monday (it was a Wednesday & everything was shutting down for the July 4th holiday).  John and I had just talked the night before about "what ifs".  We both agreed that bringing these two babies into our home would require drastic sacrifice for our other 6 children.  Children who had already sacrificed much over the last two years as we had navigated life while adding three children and two grand-babies to our family! I already felt maxed out in every way - physically, emotionally and spiritually - & I knew they felt much the same. How in the world would I parent two more infants? How would we pay for two more children in diapers and still on formula?

The big girl in this picture, well she is amazing! 

But as soon as the call came in, God began to speak.  He illuminated every single step we were to take!  We learned we had legal rights that we had no idea we had...in fact had previously been told we did not have.  We heard God say, "Come to Me! Trust Me! Get out of the boat and walk this with me!" So we stepped out of the boat....onto the waters.

On July 5, a judge granted us temporary custody of our grand babies and we went from 6 children at home to 8! The ages were 13, almost 12, 8, 7, 3, just turned 2, 11 months, and 3 weeks! It really wasn't the "8" that was the problem.  It was the 3, 2, 11 months and 3 weeks that was a struggle!

The big boy in this picture, well he is amazing! 

You know when you take a huge leap of faith, there is a period of exhilaration that fuels you! Kind of like the adrenaline rush.  We had heard God and obeyed! It was fun trying to navigate our new life.  The older kids were excited about having the babies and helped out tremendously! We would keep sippee cup and diaper counts for each day just for fun....it was a ridiculous number for both!  Life seemed very surreal!  Friends brought donations by the car load...literally!  We were blessed beyond anything we could have hoped or imagined.  We were walking on water.

When we agreed to pursue custody, we never intended for it to be long term.  We fully believed that we would have them 6 months probably, a year at the maximum and they would go back to our daughter.  We believed it would be a wake-up call, and things would improve so that there was a safe environment for the children to return.

But days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months.  God would call us to keep expanding our trust borders even more and move 5 hours away from all support systems just one month after the babies moved in.  We had not been part of Ella's life for the first year, so she had no idea who we were.  The trauma in her life was extensive.  She pretty well screamed the majority of the time she was awake.  Most of the time she was inconsolable.  She would cry when you picked her up.  She would cry when you put her down. The first sell of our house would fall through, but we moved anyway because John had a start date and the school year was beginning.  So we moved with all the expenses that come with that (and in education, you don't get moving expenses), and we had to maintain two house payments for a couple of months.  John went to work, the older kids went to school, and I was left in a new house full of unpacked boxes, not knowing a single living soul, with four kids ages three and under.  Did you know you can't even go to the grocery store with that many small children as there is no where to put them all?!

It would begin what has become one of the darkest seasons of my life.  As I heard Oceans by Hillsong, the other day, I was struck by the lyrics as I reflected on the last two years.  God called me out up on the great unknown.  He asked us to trust Him, and we did.

So, what happened?!

Just like Peter, in those moments where we sank, I had taken my eyes off my Savior! The enemy had successfully stolen my joy and my abundant life making me angry and bitter with God for asking us to do something that was so hard, that literally took all I had every. single. day.  All I could think of was what my life would be like if we had not said yes to getting out of that boat.

You see, we had said yes to a life that required God's super on our natural to make it from morning to night.  And then, along the way, we had believed enough lies of the enemy that we began walking in the flesh.  We started looking around at the waves instead of focusing on the One who calms the storm.  We started letting circumstances be our guide instead of the faith that is sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see...the faith that it required to get out of the boat in the first place.

You can't say yes in faith and then remove your eyes from the Author and Perfector of your faith! You. Will. Sink.

What do you do then? You refocus.  You reclaim.  You recommit. Some days, I still go under water.  But those are usually the days that I hit snooze instead of getting out of bed and getting in the Word!

Last y ear!

When you start to sink, you also remember. You remember that this is a season! As we went to our small community's 4th of July celebration yesterday, we laughed.  We haven't done that as a family much the last few years.  We recalled last year's celebration when there were screams through most of it.  Which was pretty well our norm.  But this year, there were less screams and more giggles.  And next year, there will be even fewer screams and even more giggles...because this is a season!  And because healing is occurring...for all of us!

This year~ (The Sun was bright! :) )

As I start to find myself keeping my head above the water more and more, I think we will live again.  I am taking back the joy that is mine in Christ...even with a life that requires more than I think I have to give most days.  And on the days when I think it's "unfair" that He called me to this life, He gently reminds me that He gave his life for me, what then could be too much of him to ask? And He reminds me that my treasures are in heaven and not here on earth.  And I start to look around and see all that I have to be thankful for even in the midst of the chaos! I celebrate the small victories...like all of the kids were dressed in actual 4th of July clothes!  As silly as that sounds, it is a sign to me that I am beginning to be able to do the things that bring me joy in my life! Those little things have been beyond reach the last two years with all that just the daily tasks of life demanded.

Despite nearly drowning many times over the past two years, I am so thankfully when that call came in, we stepped out of the boat! It has forever changed me....and the little people that I call mine!

Just because she is so beautiful!

Just because he is so handsome!

From Mimi to Mommy

It is here. The day that I will officially go from Mimi to Mommy.  I have been in the role of mommy for some months now, but today it will be a legal, final title.

As John and I sat and talked about it, we both agreed that there are no words for the emotions.  This is our 5th time to go before officials and declare our desire to make a child not born to us our legal child as if they were.  There has always been such an excitement and grand anticipation of this day before.  But this time is different.  This time, that declaration carries with it such a heavy burden.

My road from Mimi to Mommy is a long and twisty one.  The road started with a simple nod.

"So, are you pregnant?" And then the head nod that would turn my world upside down.

It took time, but we worked through it.  We accepted that the daughter we had just taken in as our daughter, was now going to be a mother.  And we were going to be grandparents...at 38 years young! The months ahead were spent trying to prepare a young girl how to be a woman and mother.  I am sure we made many mistakes! But I know we did the best we could with what we knew and what we had to offer.  And I know above all else, that we went to God with every decision we had to make and every questions we had about what was next over those weeks and months!  He has been so faithful!  I held my daughter's hand as she gave birth to her daughter on July 18, 2012. It was an emotional day for all of us! No matter what our past was, a new life had been born!  A life God created with a purpose and a plan, a hope and future that was good! And a Mimi was born!

I would only get to love on my sweet girl for 5 weeks before she would leave our home when her mother ran away with her.  It was one of the darkest and most confusing times of my life.  Again, I am sure we made many mistakes, but we did the best we could with what we had and what we knew at that time.  I would kiss her sweet face as she slept in a car seat that her mother carried as she walked out of the police station a few days later not knowing when or if I would ever see them again.  I had to turn her totally and completely over to God! I would have worried myself into complete dysfunction if I had not just rolled her safety and well being over to God and left it with Him. Some days seemed unbearable.  Others just left me in a heap of tears with aching arms to hold my daughter and my grandbaby. 

We would only see her three or four times for just minutes at a time over the next 10 months.  When we did see her, we were strangers.  The joy of getting to see her was always met with the reality and heartbreak that she had no clue who we were!  It was an agonizing pain like none I had ever known.  And I was powerless to do anything about it.  During those months we heard through the grapevine that we were going to be grandparents again.

On June 11, 2013 I once again stood in a delivery room as a baby boy would enter this world!  He didn't want to breathe at first.  I stood over him while he was in the warmer speaking life and praying complete health over him as nursery nurses were called up in case he became distressed.  After what seemed like an eternity, they allowed us to hold him and felt confident he was going to be just fine. 

We spent the next three weeks trying to build a relationship with our daughter and her new family.  God would use this time to bring truth to light in a way that can only be accredited to Him! And on July 3 we received a phone call that we never dreamed we would receive.  Our grandbabies had been left with John's parents.  CPS would be coming to get them after the holiday to determine where they would be placed.  The next hours were a blur as God literally lit each and every step for us to take! We learned things in minutes that I had never heard in years of a career with children! And on July 5, a judge granted us full custody of our two grandbabies.  We now had 8 children in our home ages 13, 12, 8, 7, 3, 23 months, 11 months, and 3 weeks. 

We intervened only to keep them safe.  Our plan was for our daughter to get settled and the children return to her.  From the time we found out she was pregnant, we had made it our goal to support and equip her to be a mother to her children.  God would orchestrate a move half way across Texas just weeks after we gained custody of the babies.  So we left all our support system and moved with 8 children, four of whom were 3 and under.  It was the hardest year of my life! John and I looked at each other on more than one occasion and said, "We can't do this!"  But when we would stop to pray about it, God would always take us back to how they came to be with us.  There was No. Way. that could have happened outside of God orchestrating all the events just as He did.  And what option did we have?  If there had been any other way to keep them safe, we would have done it.  But God made it clear, their place was with us. The enemy tried in so many ways to convince us we couldn't or shouldn't do it.  But God was faithful to always bring us back to how they came to us, and remind us that He has a plan and a purpose for them...and that is ultimately whey they are with us.  We are to raise them to be His children for His kingdom purposes!

We would learn that a third grandbaby was on his way into the world.  After much prayer and consideration, we agreed that the two babies needed to stay with us in order to secure a permanent, stable home.  And again, God made a way where we saw No. Way.  In March 2014, relinquishment papers were signed allowing us to be free and clear to legally adopt the children ensuring that they will stay with us.  And just like that my role changed from Mimi to Mommy. 

It sounds so cut and dry.  And I guess on legal papers, it is.  But in my heart, it is anything but easy or cut and dry.  I should be excited about tomorrow!  And on some level I am.  I am excited that legally, there will be nothing that can take these two precious ones out of my home.  I am excited that there will be legal paperwork to support what I already know in my heart...they are mine. But it also is a death of a dream.  A dream of getting to be Mimi to two precious children while I watched their mother, my daughter, raise them.  It means realizing that they will have to wrestle one day with how and why their Mimi had to become their Mommy.  There will be hard questions.  There will be brokenness that will have to be healed.  I always said when we started fostering that the emotions I had during the process were just unnatural.  I did not know what to do with the emotions as there are no files in my brain to put them in because they are just not natural feelings. In a perfect world, there would be no need for adoption!  There would be no orphans.  This process has been much like that.  There are just no files to sort out the emotions that come.  There will be deep mourning over my daughter losing her role as mother for her children.  And that breaks my heart in ways I never even knew it could break.

But as I think about last night when Ella (formerly Peighton) played on the stairs at the restaurant where we were eating, I get excited about tomorrow!  Why?  Because while playing on the stairs, she did a free fall about three steps up for Callie to catch her!  No bid deal, you think?  It is a HUGE. DEAL.  It showed trust!  The little girl who came to live with us was scared, confused, slept for three days straight, and cried just about non stop!  But before me stood a confident, trusting, giggling little girl who just gets to be a little girl! And that makes me happy.  And that makes all the sacrifices worth it!

And DJ, well you can ask anyone who knows him! He has a light in him that shines bright! And his smile can melt a heart in an instant! He is my boy!

Even as I sat down to really process things before we head to court, God showed up! I was going to look up the scriptures He had given me for Ella last year about this time.  I knew they were in Isaiah but would have to do some looking to find exactly where.  But as I opened my Bible to look, it opened to the exact page with the scriptures marked with her name! It was just one more encouragement from God that we are doing the right thing for them.

Today, the third time that we have scheduled court, we are FINALLY going to make this official! This Mimi is becoming their Mommy! And because EVERY adoption should be celebrated, I am going to do my best to lay aside why we are at this place and celebrate the fact that I have two more arrows in my quiver who are a blessing from God in order for me to train and equip them for their Kingdom purposes! The road has not been an easy one, but today, I lay it all down and embrace the title of Mommy with thanksgiving, excitement and joy!

Identity Theft

"Identity theft started in the garden." Matt Oxley, Pastor at The Creek Church Fort Worth

That one statement started a realization and a glimmer of light in the very dark place I have found myself spiraling for some weeks now.  I wish I had written this on Sunday because I was basking in the light that was shining and pushing away the darkness with this new realization.  However, today is Thursday and as so often happens, as the week has progressed, the darkness has crept back in and I write this from a place of needing to hear it myself again! Normally, I would probably just not write about it since I find myself right back in this place.  But as I have visited with other moms this week, I realize that what I am in the middle of is a common place for many who are parenting any children, but especially children who have come to them from a place of trauma.  There are also women who have been called to do something as a mom - adoption, home schooling, staying home when they thought career was their goal, being called to go back to work when they thought staying home would be their life until kids left, unplanned pregnancy later in life - that was not in their plan.  All these things have one thing in common - surrender! They all require us as women to surrender our plans and our belief of what being a mom looked like in our lives to the One who is calling us out of that!  And with that surrender comes a trust that He will hold us close and provide what we need as we walk out the calling.

I keep saying this has been a hard season, but it has.  It has stretched me in every way possible beyond what I ever dreamed being capable of stretching.  It has left me "sore" emotionally, at times physically as my body has responded to the stress it carries, and most of all spiritually.  It has left small cracks in my armor that the enemy has used to insert a half truth or two.  In my fog of the past few weeks of feeling myself slipping down into a place of feeling overwhelmed, at times hopeless, and even wondering if depression was creeping back in to stay, I have focused more on circumstances than Truth.  I knew that somewhere in my heart, but it was if even knowing that, I could not put my finger on what was wrong or how to stop it.  I was still doing my quiet time (key word "quiet"!) when I could manage to get a few minutes without children awake and making demands.  I was still having personal worship time where I cried out to God and poured my heart back to Him. I would have moments of total thankfulness for what He has given to me that I would pour out to Him.  If there was a checklist of things to do to get you back on track, I had done them...but still the dark cloud remained.

When Matt said in his sermon Sunday, "Identity theft started in the garden, " I knew that was the explanation of my current state!  Because of the circumstances around some of my children and the current issues it was causing in our home, the enemy had stolen my identity as a mother!  He had started with the half truths that were so believable because they had truth in them!  But then he kept on with his lies until he had me at a place where all joy and desire to be a mother had been replaced with bitterness and exhaustion and hopelessness! He stole my identity.  But Matt reminded me that the enemy is defeated!  For weeks I had listened to the little whispers, most of which were lies but were sprinkled with just enough truth to make them believable, and found myself in a place of being totally defeated as a mother.  Being a wife and mother was all I had ever wanted from the time I was a little girl!  And the enemy had taken and stolen that from me with his lies!

But here is the Truth! Revelation 12:10 "Then I heard a loud voice in heaven saying, 'Now the salvation, and the power, and the kingdom of our God and the authority of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brethren has been thrown down, he who accuses them before our God day and night.  And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony and they did not love their life even when faced with death."  (emphasis mine)  Did you catch that? He accuses us day and night, but he has been Thrown. Down.  We have Overcome him! Romans 8:37 says it like this, "But in all things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us." I can take my identity back! 

How do I do that?  First, I get my eyes of circumstances that have allowed me to believe the lies, and I place them on Jesus that rose from the grave with the keys in His hand that unlock any chain of bondage that the enemy tries to wrap me up in!  Then I replace the lies the enemy has whispered over me with Truth!  I dig into the Word and find scriptures to literally speak over myself when I hear the lies!  I also have to daily lay down my life and take up my cross.  You see the decision to parent 9 children wasn't a one time choice.  It is a daily decision to lay down what "could have been" if we had not said yes to what God asked us to do and accept that what He has for us is better than anything that we could have gained in saying no.  It is taking those keys that Jesus gives us to unlock our prisons and as Matt said to shake them in the face of the enemy and remind him that I am free, and I am unwilling to put myself back in a prison by believing his lies! I am taking back my identity!  I encourage you to do the same in whatever area you may have found the enemy trying to steal who you are in Christ!

John 8:36 "So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed!" 

He Will Not Leave You As Orphans

Yesterday was one of the best days in the life of a mother!  I watched as John baptized our son Toben Obadiah.  Toben accepted Christ as his savior a couple months ago, but I was not here.  John was the one who had the privileged of having that conversation with him!  So it was a special day to watch the symbolic act of my son being buried with Christ and raise to walk as a new man in his identity in Christ!

The biggest lesson I learned from our loss of our first baby to a miscarriage is that my children are not mine.  I had no idea all that being a mother would take me through on that day in January almost 17 years ago, but I knew that children were God's.  He would give them to us for the time He needed for His purposes in His kingdom!  That lesson has been reinforced time and time again...and I was reminded of it again yesterday as I watched my son, born in Liberia half a world away, come up out of that water as a follower of Jesus Christ!

Obviously, this is a huge deal for any of my children! But when one of our kiddos that God placed in our family through adoption makes their profession of faith, it is such a huge reminder of the call on the lives of God's people for adoption.  As I watched yesterday, I thought of his first mother who I owe everything!  I wished I could pick up the phone and call her or text her pictures of our boy so she could rejoice with us that our son had given his life to Jesus!  But I also thought of the hard days.  I thought of the ten days we waited in Liberia because the enemy tried to keep our son from the destiny God had for him.  I rejoiced once again as the enemy was defeated as Toben raised up out of the water a new creation in Christ! See, I know without a doubt, adoption is about new life.  It's about new identities.  It is what our adoption in Christ means, and it is what the adoption of my children in the natural means!

I desperately needed that reminder yesterday! It's been a hard season.  But as I watched my son demonstrate his commitment to make Jesus Lord of his life, I was encouraged and renewed in my commitment to hand over my life - daily - to my Lord and Savior!


"I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you." John 14:18

Ava: Today is the day

We finally have insurance approval, and today is the day we go for the blood draw for the Fragile X and chromosomal tests.  Ava is worried about the blood draw, but I reminded her how brave she was last time we had to draw blood! She didn't even cry!  So she asked if they could get the blood from the same arm in the same place! :) And then it was all better.  That is what I love about her!

Today really isn't such a bid deal.  I mean, all we are doing is drawing blood.  But for me, as a mother, today is kind of tough.  I think in the processing of what we are learning, today means that we truly know there is something that we don't know.  Today means there is something that doesn't function as it should in my daughter's body.  And for a mamma, that really is kind of a big deal.

I have sat and listened to "It is Well" by Bethel over and over.  Can I be honest? I am not there right now.  I am not ok with this! However, I can sincerely sing the song as a prayer that God will continue to work and mature me to a place where no matter what the tests say or what my little girl has to face because of what the tests show, it will be well.  And I know the key to that is how the song ends..."through it all, my eyes are on You".

Placing my eyes on Him and headed to school to pick up my little warrior and get this done! Then....we might just go have lunch and do some shopping! Shhhh! Don't tell the school!  :) But I think this mamma needs some time with my baby today!

What Frozen Taught Me About My Children From Hard Places

Like most of you, I am sure, we own Frozen.  And like most of you, we have watched it 1,439 times.  Madison can almost quote it word for word! We hadn't watched it in a while, and she asked to watch it the other day.  I have to admit, I really like do like the movie...and the songs!  I can relate to a lot of the sentiment in Let it Go! And to be honest, I usually join in the crooning with Madison and the other toddlers when the songs come on during the movie!  But this time as "Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" played, I was struck by the scene where the father is putting the gloves on Elsa's hands.  With a smile on his face showing that he truly only has Elsa's best interest at heart, he slips the glove on her hand and says, "Conceal it" which Elsa finishes with "Don't feel it".  Then in unison, they say, "Don't let it show."

I was immediately struck by just how much of a picture that is in so many homes where we have children with a history of trauma!  How many times have we handed our kids "gloves" to put over their hurts and simply said, conceal it.  Don't feel it.  And they repeat, "Don't let it show!" Just like Elsa's father, we have the best intentions, right?  We want to protect our children from the hurts they have suffered in the past, and we want to protect our children from what other people will think of them, or if we are really honest, what other people will think of us if they "show" their true colors by acting out in their hurt or wounds. "Conceal it, don't feel it. Don't let it show!"

With that thinking in mind, I rewind the disc and listen to more of this scenario and am brought to tears as I think of how I have reacted at times to my children.  As soon as the parents throw open the door to the ballroom and see Elsa holding a limp Anna and ice all around, the father in a very stern voice says, "Elsa! What have you done?!" Immediately Elsa feels guilty, sad and starts trying to explain.  What had she done? She had been innocently playing with her sister and accidentally injured her by over zealously using her power in fun.  How many times have my children been snapped at simply because they were acting in fun and because of their past trauma didn't realize they were hurting someone?  Have I stopped and given them time to explain?  Have I stopped and explained to them that I am not mad or upset with them, but just explain why the behavior is not ok? Have I stopped and given them an opportunity to empathize with the person they hurt and then apologize for hurting them? The parents do what many of us do in a crisis with our children from trauma...we scoop them up and take them to the specialist, right?! This is a very loving and logical act.  But sometimes we get poor advice from "specialists" and sometimes maybe perhaps we over reacted to good advice.  The specialist tells the father that there is beauty in Elsa's gift, but there is also real danger and fear is her enemy.  The dad immediately starts spewing all he will do to protect her...and it ends in complete isolation.  Again, this is a father with the most loving intentions toward his daughter, but in his haste and perhaps his own fear of the opinion of others, makes decisions that actually reinforces the one thing that makes the matter worse...fear. "Conceal it, don't feel it.  Don't let it show!"

Then we see the "other" daughter outside the door begging Elsa to come out and play.  Her memory has been wiped clean of all that has happened.  I see Anna as many children in families who are accepting the call to love the orphaned and are having to experience the pain and frustration of sharing their home with children from hard places.  Anna has no idea why all of a sudden Elsa cannot come out and play.  Anna is deeply wounded when Elsa tells her to go away, because Anna just does not understand Elsa!  Elsa has no desire to wound Anna.  Again, her fears, her isolation requires her to shove Anna away when what she wants more than anything is to throw open the doors and build the snowman with Anna!  I see this so many times in families.  Children already in the home come into these situations with expectations of adding an older brother or sister that they have always longed for to their family.  Or they are finally getting that little sibling they have always wanted to care for.  Then when that child with all his trauma induced behavior arrives, the dreams shatter quickly.  Neither child is at "fault"! It is just a side effect of children who have been abused and neglected and children who have been loved and nurtured learning to live in harmony in the same family.  Are we preparing our children who are already in the home for the potential immaturity of an "older" sibling?  Are we preparing our children who are already in the home for the outbursts and stiff armed shoves of the younger child who doesn't know how to let anyone love or care for or nurture them?  Are we teaching our children empathy as these incidents occur?  Or are we taking the "side" of our children already in the home and becoming offended with them at the immature, illogical and at times irrational behaviors of the children from trauma? Are we making room for our wounded children to learn how to interact with others or are we simply putting them in a room, locking the door and asking them to do the same?  "Conceal it, don't feel it.  Don't let it show!"

From the first time I saw the movie, the wisdom in the troll when he says, "you are lucky it was not her heart.  The heart cannot be so easily changed, but the mind, it can be persuaded," has struck me as profound!  When these children come into our homes, we "know" they are safe! But the thing is, until they "know" they are safe, it really doesn't matter what we "know".  And even if they "know" in their head this is a safe place, the healing doesn't start until the heart knows it's a safe place! And the heart cannot be so easily changed.

But here is the good news, the heart CAN. BE. CHANGED! How?  We have to teach them to LET. IT. GO!  Listen to the words of that song with your children from trauma in mind! We know there is a storm raging inside of them!  In order for them to come to healing, we have to allow them to take off the gloves, feel what they really feel and deal with what all that means! That means we may have to let them "freeze" a few things in the process.  We may end up with some ice castles and disasters in the wake of them learning to handle their thoughts and emotions from their past.  But when we do, oh the beauty we will see!  They will begin to use their wounds to make ice sculptures instead of weapons! We will begin to see them blossom into the children God intended them to be! They are worth redeeming!  They are worth whatever it takes to redeem this generation!

"As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result...." Genesis 50:20


** Disclaimer: If you, like me see this and have remorse over how you have responded at times to your children from trauma because you were worn out, tired or just plain on edge, do not let this bring guilt!  Repent, and move on! Wipe your own slate clean and giver yourself a fresh start just like you do your children! Go give that child a great big hug!  If the offense against them occurred recently, go apologize for losing it with them or reacting negatively.  You might just be surprised how far an apology will go! And most of all, know You. Are. Not. Alone!

Alive and Active

I had to smile as I pulled up my blog to write this post! The title of the last post was "still waiting".  You will see the irony in that in just a minute!

One of Ava's biggest struggles is memory.  Learning math facts, memorizing spelling words, things like that are a real struggle.  And she may have it down today, but then tomorrow it may be as if we never even talked about it.

So yesterday when I picked her up from her church service and she told me she got an extra treat because she already said her memory verse, I am sure I had a puzzled look on my face.  She danced around with that light that shines so brightly in her saying, "I already memorized it!  I did it during the service!  I know it already!"  Then she proceeds to say it....."Wait on the Lord, be strong and courageous. Wait on the Lord Psalm 27 dot, dot 14" (she really says "dot, dot"!!)  I was impressed.  But can I confess there was a thought that passed through my mind that went something like, "we'll see if she can still say it in the morning."

She proceeded to repeat it all throughout the evening last night.  Enough, that I now have it memorized! And my memory is mediocre at best! God in His ever humbling ways brought this exact verse to mind just this morning as I was becoming impatient with some circumstances in my life and wanted to just run away from them!  "Wait on the Lord! be strong (some translations then say) and don't lose hope. Wait on the Lord."  One of the things that Ava said when she told us she memorized it was that God said "Wait on the Lord" twice! John reminded her that when God repeats himself, He really wants us to listen!

Again, God has used my children to teach me a couple of valuable lessons!  First, the Word of God is alive and active!  It is sharper than a double edged sword and will divide bone and marrow.  No, Ava may not be able to remember that 4+6=10, but the Word of God being alive and active planted itself in the deepest recess of who she is and easily comes to her mind...even this morning after sleeping on it! And second, Miss Ava reminded me that waiting on God is important....after all, He said it twice!