So I knew God was asking us to take a step of faith when he asked us to move to a new house...and that's why I titled it "the next faith journey". What I didn't know was the measure of FAITH it was going to take to stay on the journey to the promised land and not just break free and run back to Egypt!
Yesterday at 5:00 we were told that the buyers of our house could not get their loan. I won't go into details to protect their privacy, but I will say that it was the poor actions of a lender that got us all at this point! These are amazing people with great credit...and a lender who didn't do his job!
But none the less, that left us without a buyer at 5:00 last night. When John told me, I was completely calm...a little startled, but no stress or anxiety or anger or sadness...just peace. Can I just tell you that is not me! When things fall apart like that, I jump to worse case scenarios and the "Really, God?! This is what your love looks like??" accusations! But this time I simply said, well that doesn't change what God has already said about the outcome. That house is ours! I spoke back all the things he had done along the way to confirm that we are supposed to move! There are MANY! Even yesterday....as I have already shared, our loan was slowed down because of our lender. But yesterday afternoon we got our clearance to close! God knew we would need a little hope, a little reminder that He is in the details no matter what else is going on!
I was introduced to Truth of living from Heaven to earth by an amazing woman of God who mentored me for almost 3 years. It is the Truths that I learned in my time with her as well as sermons and teachings out of Bethel Church in Redding that I know God is working in and through me right now. It is these truths that allow me to stand firm in what God has said...no matter the circumstances!
As I type this, our buyers do not have a loan. However, we are still planning to move on Thursday to our new house so our kids can start school. We can't start the remodel, so we will be camped out on mattresses! :) It's gonna be an adventure for sure! But we are not letting the enemy have any territory in this battle! God has said this is our promised land....and we are taking it! I told John yesterday as we processed the news, I can't imagine that the Israelites felt warm fuzzies as they saw the Egyptians closing in on them from one side and the Red Sea in front of them! I imagine there was some doubt and fear and anger in them as they looked at their circumstances. But with one command from God, the Red Sea parted and they were provided a way to their promised land and the defeat of their enemies all at once! I think that's where we stood yesterday...and still this morning. But I am facing the Red Sea just waiting for the dry ground to appear so we can run onto our land! Satan can eat my dust! ;)
God has already shown great favor and our buyers have their information with a lender that John knew. We should have an answer by this afternoon if this lender will approve them for the loan or not. This lender says there will be no problem closing in 2 to 3 weeks....another provision of the Lord. And even before we asked, the wonderful family we are buying the house from offered to let us move in and lease it for as long as we needed to so our kids could start school in their new school. Faithful. That is what my God is!
Why have we hit these bumps? I don't know. But I do know that through the bumps, I have found a new confidence in God's love for me! I have found a new confidence in my ability to ride the waves of the storm and not get seasick! I am truly thankful for the lessons.
None of this changes what God has said! It changes how we get there...and the logistics of it are still a little sketchy, but it doesn't change the outcome! Now, we continue to war through prayer and faith...and we wait for the earthly circumstances to line up with what we already know has been spoken in the heavenlies! I'll let you know just as soon as that sea parts!
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
Friday, August 12, 2016
The Next Faith Journey: Being Certain of what we do not see....
So the plan was to close on the house we currently own yesterday, and close on the house we are buying today. The contractors were going to start working tomorrow. As I sit here tonight, we have not closed on either house! We have hit a couple of snags. Evidently there is ZERO customer service in lending for houses anymore! They wait until the day before closing to underwrite the loans and then have a gazillion hoops for you to jump through. Add onto that the three day required wait after you have signed disclosures, and you have a perfect storm!
But here is what I know. From the beginning as I have shared here, this has been a FAITH journey! Faith is defined in Hebrews 11 as being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see! Even as we received phone call after phone call today that meant delay after delay, I stood firm. I did not react physically or emotionally to the circumstances. At one point, John was relaying all that he had just discussed on a phone call. When he got done, I simply said, let's pray. We did. And then we kept packing. I told him that the enemy has tried to steal this promised land from us from the beginning! I don't know that I have ever been in such a battle where I was as aware as I am now of it actually being a spiritual battle! So today when the enemy tried to bring discouragement and despair, it did not work! I looked at John and said with surprise in my voice, "I am seriously not panicking! God's got this! He has made too many promises to drop us now! Let's keep packing!"
I am not tooting my own horn here..in fact just the exact opposite. Most of the times in situations like this, it matters not what I have thought God said in the past or what promises He has made for my victory, as soon as the bad news comes, I start wailing about how He never follows through or leaves me when I walk in obedience. I usually come around eventually to Truth, but I don' t usually respond in Truth. I usually throw a 42 year old version of a 2 year old tantrum!
But this journey has brought me to a place of trust, truly trusting God has my best interest at heart and loves me as a good, good, Father! He has drawn me close, hid me under His wings and been a strong tower for me to run to! I have learned facets of God's character that I have not known before. I think this is what James meant when he said, we should consider it "pure joy" when we fact trials because the testing of our faith brings about perseverance! And there is soooo much to be thankful for....buyers who are working just as hard as we are to get their loan closed and are communicating openly with us through the process, sellers who are more than generous and working with us despite delays, a beautiful property that in a few weeks I will be sitting looking out over as I type!
I can say that our faith has definitely been tested over the past 6 weeks in ways it hasn't been in a long time! The attacks have come from all sides! But tonight I go to bed at complete peace because I know that He who promised will be faithful to do what He said He would do! And around our house, we call that kickin' satan in the teeth!
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
The Next Faith Journey: God's Provision
Our mortgage company has been a NIGHTMARE, and that is putting it nicely. We have been asking for numbers, you know the approximate amount needed at closing and estimated monthly payment that you usually get, since we started the loan process back in May! We didn't get any numbers until last week.
I had to stop by John's office to pick up something I needed to take with me while headed back to West Texas with a car full of teenagers! I was taking them to Rock the Desert, and I was headed back to have a training session for new adoptive parents. When I stopped at John's office, he shared with me what he had learned that morning. We were going to be several thousand dollars short at closing. We both wrestled with fear and anxiety - and if we are honest some serious rage at not having the numbers when we asked so we could be making a plan - over closing being 7 days away, and getting this news. This is when you know you have been around a mountain enough times that you really GET a Truth - when a circumstance comes, you actually react in the Truth rather than reacting to the circumstance and then having to remind yourself of the Truth! My heart didn't race, I didn't get sweaty palms, the pit started to form in my stomach, but immediately disappeared with the thought, "God has not brought us this far to leave us. He promises to never leave or forsake us. He has made clear this is the path we are to walk. Somehow, it will work." As I drove all morning and afternoon, the enemy taunted me with all kinds of thoughts, but immediately, I would remind myself and the enemy of God's faithfulness and all the promises He had given about this move. I still had NO IDEA how this was going to work, but I would simply roll it back on God and thank Him for His provision...however it came!
Well, before the day was over, I was handed a check for a few hundred dollars over what we needed for closing! When I looked at the check, I asked the generous giver if John had talked to them or something? I was very confused. They responded just as confused with a no - they had been blessed this year and wanted to bless us! I broke into the ugly cry! Not just because of the generosity of these individuals, but the fact that their gift was the provision God already knew was on the way!!!! They even shared how they were going to give it to us at a different time, but decided to give it to me that day!
Y'all, I have seen God's faithfulness over and over in my life! I mean we fed 65 children in an orphanage for over a year with no sustainable income from the program! I "get" miraculous provision....but I have never had the "here is the check" experience! I have heard the stories of God providing mysterious checks in the mail for the needed amount for other people, but I had never experienced that. It was so surreal! As I kept staring at the check, I was reminded also that when God provides, it is more than we could hope or imagine! That number that had looked so big and insurmountable a few hours ago, was now provided for plus more!
Here is what I hope encourages those reading who also need provision, God is no respecter of persons - what he does for one, he does for anyone. I have been the one reading stories like this and thinking, "yes, you did it for them, but not me." So if that was your thought while reading, let me tell you, He has a provision for you also! What I know is that on this journey, we have walked unwavering in our trust and faith like we have never done before! I have to believe that has something to do with the way God has provided. We have truly trusted - not being tossed about or double minded. I can tell you that is not usually how I walk these journeys! I usually go back and forth between trust and despair in these situations in 0-60 seconds!
There are things still trying to rob our joy and shake our confidence in this move - like closing maybe being postponed because our loan won't be ready....but God has been so faithful and provided amazing sellers for us to work with that answers come just almost immediately to the barriers! This has truly been a spiritual journey that will forever be a stone of remembrance in my spiritual life! I don't want to go back to that double minded person! And I want to encourage you if you are on the fence, God is trustworthy! Take the leap! Free fall into His plan....you will not regret it!
I had to stop by John's office to pick up something I needed to take with me while headed back to West Texas with a car full of teenagers! I was taking them to Rock the Desert, and I was headed back to have a training session for new adoptive parents. When I stopped at John's office, he shared with me what he had learned that morning. We were going to be several thousand dollars short at closing. We both wrestled with fear and anxiety - and if we are honest some serious rage at not having the numbers when we asked so we could be making a plan - over closing being 7 days away, and getting this news. This is when you know you have been around a mountain enough times that you really GET a Truth - when a circumstance comes, you actually react in the Truth rather than reacting to the circumstance and then having to remind yourself of the Truth! My heart didn't race, I didn't get sweaty palms, the pit started to form in my stomach, but immediately disappeared with the thought, "God has not brought us this far to leave us. He promises to never leave or forsake us. He has made clear this is the path we are to walk. Somehow, it will work." As I drove all morning and afternoon, the enemy taunted me with all kinds of thoughts, but immediately, I would remind myself and the enemy of God's faithfulness and all the promises He had given about this move. I still had NO IDEA how this was going to work, but I would simply roll it back on God and thank Him for His provision...however it came!
Well, before the day was over, I was handed a check for a few hundred dollars over what we needed for closing! When I looked at the check, I asked the generous giver if John had talked to them or something? I was very confused. They responded just as confused with a no - they had been blessed this year and wanted to bless us! I broke into the ugly cry! Not just because of the generosity of these individuals, but the fact that their gift was the provision God already knew was on the way!!!! They even shared how they were going to give it to us at a different time, but decided to give it to me that day!
Y'all, I have seen God's faithfulness over and over in my life! I mean we fed 65 children in an orphanage for over a year with no sustainable income from the program! I "get" miraculous provision....but I have never had the "here is the check" experience! I have heard the stories of God providing mysterious checks in the mail for the needed amount for other people, but I had never experienced that. It was so surreal! As I kept staring at the check, I was reminded also that when God provides, it is more than we could hope or imagine! That number that had looked so big and insurmountable a few hours ago, was now provided for plus more!
Here is what I hope encourages those reading who also need provision, God is no respecter of persons - what he does for one, he does for anyone. I have been the one reading stories like this and thinking, "yes, you did it for them, but not me." So if that was your thought while reading, let me tell you, He has a provision for you also! What I know is that on this journey, we have walked unwavering in our trust and faith like we have never done before! I have to believe that has something to do with the way God has provided. We have truly trusted - not being tossed about or double minded. I can tell you that is not usually how I walk these journeys! I usually go back and forth between trust and despair in these situations in 0-60 seconds!
There are things still trying to rob our joy and shake our confidence in this move - like closing maybe being postponed because our loan won't be ready....but God has been so faithful and provided amazing sellers for us to work with that answers come just almost immediately to the barriers! This has truly been a spiritual journey that will forever be a stone of remembrance in my spiritual life! I don't want to go back to that double minded person! And I want to encourage you if you are on the fence, God is trustworthy! Take the leap! Free fall into His plan....you will not regret it!
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
I said I would never home school.....
So I have learned to never say never! After my last endeavor at home schooling (CallieAnn home schooled the last half of 6th grade and Paizley home schooled her sophomore year), I said I did not ever want to do that again...unless...it was in the best interest of one of our kids.
CallieAnn started asking us last year if she could graduate early. She has enjoyed high school, but she believes she has heard God clearly about the direction her life needs to take. When she first approached us about it, my immediate answer was, not just "no", but .....well, you get the picture! But as I thought about it, a peace would come over me at the thought of her home schooling. I knew without a doubt that peace was NOT from me! Isaiah 55 talks about being led forward in peace. So when that feeling comes over me at times that it isn't natural, it gets my attention. John and I committed to pray with CallieAnn for clear direction and wisdom.
CalliAnn has had a vision for a safe place for suicidal teens for quite some time. We have had suicide touch our lives indirectly numerous times and directly recently. Each time the call she felt on her life became a little stronger and the vision a little clearer. She already has a mission statement and name for her ministry. After a couple of months of praying about what to do next year, I asked her why do you have to do it now? You have your whole life to be an adult. Why not wait until you graduate college at 23 or 24 to start it? Her answer made me proud and sad all at once. She said to me, there are people dying who need what God has called me to do. How can I wait? How do you argue with that? How do you tell your child whom you have taught to dream big, hear God's voice and follow it that they can't obey just yet.....you don't.
So we started looking at all the options. She could stay in school and take extra classes and graduate next year. But as we looked at her degree plan, she was taking a lot of stuff that just didn't make sense and truly would not help her in her goal. The best plan seemed to be for her to home school and take dual credit college courses. This way, she can focus on the courses that will help equip her for the calling she believes God has on her life.
It has been a decision we have wrestled with. I can list as many cons as I can pros about the path we decided to take. There is a part of me as a mom that fears she will regret giving up the "high school" experience. But as a person who struggled through that high school experience, I can appreciate that it is not all it's cracked up to be for all people. And at the end of the day, it came down to trusting that my daughter who has the same Holy Spirit as a Counselor as I do heard His voice and said YES to His call! If I am going to err, I want to err on the side of stoking the fire and fanning the flame within my children to hear God's voice and follow it, and not throwing water on what God has lit!
So today, her daddy took her and registered her for college courses! I am really not sure how my baby girl became old enough to even talk about college! But truly, I could not be more proud of her decision. The last couple of weeks I have seen her wrestle with that point where the rubber meets the road in an act of obedience. She is confident in her decision, and yet she wrestles with what she is also sacrificing to follow God's call.
We have been and will be very careful to not "pigeon hole" her into this for eternity! Obviously, as she matures, seeks wisdom and gains understanding, the direction may differ or take a different course all together. But for now, I could not be a prouder momma than to watch my daughter love the Lord and work to follow His call on her life! Fly Baby Girl, Fly! There is no limit as long as God is the one giving you the wind beneath your wings!
"Nothing could make me happier than getting reports that my children continue diligently in the way of Truth!" ~3 John 4
CallieAnn started asking us last year if she could graduate early. She has enjoyed high school, but she believes she has heard God clearly about the direction her life needs to take. When she first approached us about it, my immediate answer was, not just "no", but .....well, you get the picture! But as I thought about it, a peace would come over me at the thought of her home schooling. I knew without a doubt that peace was NOT from me! Isaiah 55 talks about being led forward in peace. So when that feeling comes over me at times that it isn't natural, it gets my attention. John and I committed to pray with CallieAnn for clear direction and wisdom.
CalliAnn has had a vision for a safe place for suicidal teens for quite some time. We have had suicide touch our lives indirectly numerous times and directly recently. Each time the call she felt on her life became a little stronger and the vision a little clearer. She already has a mission statement and name for her ministry. After a couple of months of praying about what to do next year, I asked her why do you have to do it now? You have your whole life to be an adult. Why not wait until you graduate college at 23 or 24 to start it? Her answer made me proud and sad all at once. She said to me, there are people dying who need what God has called me to do. How can I wait? How do you argue with that? How do you tell your child whom you have taught to dream big, hear God's voice and follow it that they can't obey just yet.....you don't.
So we started looking at all the options. She could stay in school and take extra classes and graduate next year. But as we looked at her degree plan, she was taking a lot of stuff that just didn't make sense and truly would not help her in her goal. The best plan seemed to be for her to home school and take dual credit college courses. This way, she can focus on the courses that will help equip her for the calling she believes God has on her life.
It has been a decision we have wrestled with. I can list as many cons as I can pros about the path we decided to take. There is a part of me as a mom that fears she will regret giving up the "high school" experience. But as a person who struggled through that high school experience, I can appreciate that it is not all it's cracked up to be for all people. And at the end of the day, it came down to trusting that my daughter who has the same Holy Spirit as a Counselor as I do heard His voice and said YES to His call! If I am going to err, I want to err on the side of stoking the fire and fanning the flame within my children to hear God's voice and follow it, and not throwing water on what God has lit!
So today, her daddy took her and registered her for college courses! I am really not sure how my baby girl became old enough to even talk about college! But truly, I could not be more proud of her decision. The last couple of weeks I have seen her wrestle with that point where the rubber meets the road in an act of obedience. She is confident in her decision, and yet she wrestles with what she is also sacrificing to follow God's call.
We have been and will be very careful to not "pigeon hole" her into this for eternity! Obviously, as she matures, seeks wisdom and gains understanding, the direction may differ or take a different course all together. But for now, I could not be a prouder momma than to watch my daughter love the Lord and work to follow His call on her life! Fly Baby Girl, Fly! There is no limit as long as God is the one giving you the wind beneath your wings!
"Nothing could make me happier than getting reports that my children continue diligently in the way of Truth!" ~3 John 4
Thursday, July 28, 2016
Our Ava, We have a diagnosis....
You are going about your day as normal. Then the phone rings. You have no idea that your world is about to change forever with what the person on the other side of the call is going to share...
That could be the scenario for many things in life. For me this week, it was the call that said, "We have the results back from Ava's testing." Next she said, "Do you have a few minutes that we could talk?" There was part of me in that moment that wanted to scream, "NO! I don't have a few minutes for you to tell me what is wrong! I don't know if I will ever have a few minutes for this conversation!" But I knew delaying the inevitable was not going to help my daughter no matter what the news was.
Bottom line, we now have an official diagnosis. Ava has Duplication 16P13.3 Syndrome. Fancy name, huh?! Simply, it means that she has duplication on her 16th chromosome. That duplication can cause many symptoms, and it is what causes the delays and difficulties we see in Ava. It is a life long condition.
So now what? I mean, what do you do with that? I went from relief at having an answer we have searched for the last 6 years to sadness that I really had an answer. It kind of takes all denial away that you might have been hanging onto that all is well....just a minor delay here and there. But it did not take much research before I was overcome with thankfulness! As I read all that can be caused by this particular syndrome, I thanked God that Ava has very mild symptoms! There are kidney and heart issues associated with it that we have not had to deal with. And ultimately, I just had to thank God that He knit my precious baby girl in my womb! I can honestly say the one emotion I have not had since learning about the diagnosis is fear. My God is a great big God! He knows every hair on my sweet girl's head. He made her, fearfully and wonderfully made her! As I said that scripture over and over in my head this week, I have to admit there was some confusion in my soul. Chromosomes are the knitting! They are what gives the instructions for the creating....so if the chromosome is not "normal" then did God cause that? I don't believe He causes illness. And I am not going to pretend I have the theological understanding to really even think about questions like that! But what quickly settled into my spirit was "Does it matter?" Regardless of what the answer is, does it change that God is a good God? Nope! Not one bit! So there will be no why questions from me to God. He is good all the time....even when I hear that my daughter has an abnormality in how she is knit together! It's funny. I remember when a friend found out her unborn baby had Spina Bifida. I remember asking God how to reconcile Psalm 139 with babies who are knit together in a way that we don't think of as "wonderful". I had to chuckle as I thought back on how I wrestled with that for my friend knowing now that God had me wrestling with that then because He knew what I would face now. Oh how I love Him! The conclusion that I came to and feel God inspired in me for my friend's baby is that we hear fearfully and wonderfully made as perfectly and according to the world's standard of abilities. But what He knits together is what is fearfully and wonderfully made for His kingdom! I don't believe God causes illness, and I will believe and ask God to heal Ava so that she functions on a level that the world sees as "normal", but I rest in the fact that God loves her more than I do, and He knit her together with a purpose for His Kingdom, and she has all she needs to fulfill that purpose!
As I look at Ava, I can't help but see that God did in fact knit her together amazingly! She has a joy that I don't even begin to grasp. She has a faith and a connection to the Holy Spirit that I am envious of at times. Her childlike innocence and belief in the things of God's Word makes her an amazing warrior for the kingdom! And she does not meet a stranger! She is loved everywhere she goes. This syndrome was not even discovered until 2010 (ironically, that's when we started doing our tests to see what was happening with our sweet girl!), and in 2013 only 26 cases had been documented. They now think that 1 in 150,000 births have this duplication. So what that tells me is that we now have proof that she is the rare treasure we always knew she was!
So what now? Well, Cook Children's Hospital got a few mad momma calls that day because for 2 years we have been trying to get her into a neurologist that will listen to us. But their policy says we cannot switch doctors. We have an appointment with a new neurologist in September. ;) We have to have some hard conversations about educational goals and long term goals in order to make sure financially and legally she will be provided for and cared for. Now that we have a "life long" condition diagnosis, we can go more boldly into realms that we really couldn't before to try to get her all she needs to be successful and live the best life possible. All this is a new arena for us, so we are definitely on a learning curve! But again, we trust God to bring wisdom and provide fully!
Over the last few days as I have processed all the new information, I have just stood in awe at my sweet girl! I have learned to appreciate her laugh more. I have learned to soak in her smile and the sparkle in her eyes. Its as if the diagnosis has given me permission to let her be her. I don't have to "push" her to be what every other 10 year old girl is. I have permission to just enjoy who she is and where she is and love her for right now! And that is the best gift I could have been given!
For all who have walked this path with us, loved our sweet girl, worked with her at school and at church, prayed with us for answers, we thank you! And we appreciate you! Please don't stop praying! Now that we have a diagnosis we will be searching for ways to make sure we are doing all we can to help Ava become all she can be! We are excited about her future that we know is full of hope because of our amazing and good God! Thanks for walking with us!
That could be the scenario for many things in life. For me this week, it was the call that said, "We have the results back from Ava's testing." Next she said, "Do you have a few minutes that we could talk?" There was part of me in that moment that wanted to scream, "NO! I don't have a few minutes for you to tell me what is wrong! I don't know if I will ever have a few minutes for this conversation!" But I knew delaying the inevitable was not going to help my daughter no matter what the news was.
Bottom line, we now have an official diagnosis. Ava has Duplication 16P13.3 Syndrome. Fancy name, huh?! Simply, it means that she has duplication on her 16th chromosome. That duplication can cause many symptoms, and it is what causes the delays and difficulties we see in Ava. It is a life long condition.
So now what? I mean, what do you do with that? I went from relief at having an answer we have searched for the last 6 years to sadness that I really had an answer. It kind of takes all denial away that you might have been hanging onto that all is well....just a minor delay here and there. But it did not take much research before I was overcome with thankfulness! As I read all that can be caused by this particular syndrome, I thanked God that Ava has very mild symptoms! There are kidney and heart issues associated with it that we have not had to deal with. And ultimately, I just had to thank God that He knit my precious baby girl in my womb! I can honestly say the one emotion I have not had since learning about the diagnosis is fear. My God is a great big God! He knows every hair on my sweet girl's head. He made her, fearfully and wonderfully made her! As I said that scripture over and over in my head this week, I have to admit there was some confusion in my soul. Chromosomes are the knitting! They are what gives the instructions for the creating....so if the chromosome is not "normal" then did God cause that? I don't believe He causes illness. And I am not going to pretend I have the theological understanding to really even think about questions like that! But what quickly settled into my spirit was "Does it matter?" Regardless of what the answer is, does it change that God is a good God? Nope! Not one bit! So there will be no why questions from me to God. He is good all the time....even when I hear that my daughter has an abnormality in how she is knit together! It's funny. I remember when a friend found out her unborn baby had Spina Bifida. I remember asking God how to reconcile Psalm 139 with babies who are knit together in a way that we don't think of as "wonderful". I had to chuckle as I thought back on how I wrestled with that for my friend knowing now that God had me wrestling with that then because He knew what I would face now. Oh how I love Him! The conclusion that I came to and feel God inspired in me for my friend's baby is that we hear fearfully and wonderfully made as perfectly and according to the world's standard of abilities. But what He knits together is what is fearfully and wonderfully made for His kingdom! I don't believe God causes illness, and I will believe and ask God to heal Ava so that she functions on a level that the world sees as "normal", but I rest in the fact that God loves her more than I do, and He knit her together with a purpose for His Kingdom, and she has all she needs to fulfill that purpose!
As I look at Ava, I can't help but see that God did in fact knit her together amazingly! She has a joy that I don't even begin to grasp. She has a faith and a connection to the Holy Spirit that I am envious of at times. Her childlike innocence and belief in the things of God's Word makes her an amazing warrior for the kingdom! And she does not meet a stranger! She is loved everywhere she goes. This syndrome was not even discovered until 2010 (ironically, that's when we started doing our tests to see what was happening with our sweet girl!), and in 2013 only 26 cases had been documented. They now think that 1 in 150,000 births have this duplication. So what that tells me is that we now have proof that she is the rare treasure we always knew she was!
So what now? Well, Cook Children's Hospital got a few mad momma calls that day because for 2 years we have been trying to get her into a neurologist that will listen to us. But their policy says we cannot switch doctors. We have an appointment with a new neurologist in September. ;) We have to have some hard conversations about educational goals and long term goals in order to make sure financially and legally she will be provided for and cared for. Now that we have a "life long" condition diagnosis, we can go more boldly into realms that we really couldn't before to try to get her all she needs to be successful and live the best life possible. All this is a new arena for us, so we are definitely on a learning curve! But again, we trust God to bring wisdom and provide fully!
Over the last few days as I have processed all the new information, I have just stood in awe at my sweet girl! I have learned to appreciate her laugh more. I have learned to soak in her smile and the sparkle in her eyes. Its as if the diagnosis has given me permission to let her be her. I don't have to "push" her to be what every other 10 year old girl is. I have permission to just enjoy who she is and where she is and love her for right now! And that is the best gift I could have been given!
For all who have walked this path with us, loved our sweet girl, worked with her at school and at church, prayed with us for answers, we thank you! And we appreciate you! Please don't stop praying! Now that we have a diagnosis we will be searching for ways to make sure we are doing all we can to help Ava become all she can be! We are excited about her future that we know is full of hope because of our amazing and good God! Thanks for walking with us!
Thursday, July 21, 2016
The Next Faith Journey: Around the mountain again and SOLD!
Just when we wondered if it would ever happen, it did! We had one offer on the table, but the buyer had to sell their house. They had not even put it on the market yet, and had backed out twice on putting it on the market...so we were not totally sure they would go through with it. So we scheduled an open house. We have been told by numerous real estate agents that open houses don't work. But we had asked God if there was anything we needed to do in our wait, and we both felt having an open house was His answer. Within two hours of the end of the open house we had an above asking price offer that was not contingent and gave us a week lease back at no cost! Truly, a gift from God! God has spoken to me at the beginning of the process that we would know His love by the sell of our house. In my desires, I had assumed that meant a fast sell! But as we sat down to sign the contracts, I was overwhelmed with God's love as I looked at how He has truly blessed us with a stress free contract! And the couple has been AMAZING to work with! We had the inspection and easily agreed up on what needed to be fixed and how it would be fixed, It has truly been the most stress free contract we have ever had on a house! That's God's love...extravagant and peaceful! And abundant...literally while we were signing the contract that night to send back to their agent, John received a text from one of the other people who had put an offer on it a few weeks back. They were wanting to put an offer on it again...abundance! Such a great picture of God's love for a gal who is very legalistically wired and has a hard time believing God just gives good gifts because He loves us and is a good Father who just wants to lavish great things on his children!
But I have to tell you, the journey is almost comical as we look back at it. I mean like you could write a pretty hysterical cartoon about our trip to that point. Once God spoke to us that we were not to battle for the sell of our house, but instead were to rest so that He could give it to us as a demonstration of his love, it took us a couple of trips around the mountain. I had a very wise mentor that would say God takes us around the mountain until we learn the lesson sometimes. I would definitely say that is the case here.
We had so much interest over the course of the 44 days it took to sell our house. It seemed like it was constantly a game of "this offer is on the table" then "they backed out and we are back to square one". It was an emotional roller coaster of excitement that our house was possibly sold and disappointment when it fell apart. But after God spoke that it was not a war to fight, but a time to rest in His love, I tried to stay focused on that. John and I both had our moments where we could just rest in that and circumstances did not make us waiver, but we also both had moments where the circumstances over came us and despair, fatigue and frustration set in! But here is the cool thing! About two days before the open house, I felt God say, "Trust me!" I had this sense of wanting to just free fall into God's love. I literally pictured myself falling off a ledge and bouncing up into the air again as I hit his "love" as if I hit a trampoline (in case you don't know by now, I am very visual! ;) ) I was honest and told God that I was scared to let myself fall because I wasn't sure how I would survive if he let me hit the ground instead of catching me! Typing that, I understand how ridiculous it sounds that God would drop me, but in my heart, that was my fear. I only heard one word in return -JUMP! So I did!
The next day we got discouraging news about the family who was putting their house on the market to buy ours (this was before our open house). As soon as John told me, I had a very brief moment of panic, and then the familiar voice - "I've got you! Keep falling!" And I did! I did not waiver one bit in my resolve to trust God and keep falling into His love! And so did John! For the first time in all the roller coaster ride, John and I both at the same time did not let circumstances dictate our emotions. We did not let circumstances dictate our mood. We stood on what God had said and resolved to wait until His time to make circumstances line up with what He had already spoken! We had finally walked around the mountain enough times - we had the lesson not just in our head as knowledge, but in our heart and had changed how we operated! And the next day, we received the amazing contract! I can't say that I have ever "felt" God's love more than I did in that moment. The free fall didn't end in me shattered at the bottom, but instead wrapped in the arms of my loving Heavenly Father smiling down at me!
And even the timing has been perfect despite my begging God to give us a contract sooner....we will be able to stay in our house one week which puts us needing to live somewhere just as my in-laws are headed on vacation leaving their house empty! We will move in the new house the week after school starts, (the first week we will be close enough for the kids to start school, just not in our house) so no sitting at a new house with no friends making the kids more anxious about life in a new city....so many things that show God's extravagant love and provision for us! Truly thankful for the lessons we have learned on this journey! In nearly 19 years of marriage and all the "adventures" John and I have taken, I would say that this one by far has exceeded any in teaching us spiritual truths as individuals but most of all as a couple! Some day we will share our entire testimony....but for now I am resting in the fact that we have walked together closer spiritually through this than ever before! And can I tell you, the enemy hates that! Which will have to be a post for another time! :)
Thank you for those who have taken this journey with us! It has been amazing to hear all the stories of those who have shared. Many of you are still journeying (as are we....this journey isn't just about a house but about our family entering a spiritual promised land that we are still fighting to retake!)...please know that I am believing with you for God's extravagant, loving and best for you ending to your journey as well! Don't give up! He has amazing things for you!
But I have to tell you, the journey is almost comical as we look back at it. I mean like you could write a pretty hysterical cartoon about our trip to that point. Once God spoke to us that we were not to battle for the sell of our house, but instead were to rest so that He could give it to us as a demonstration of his love, it took us a couple of trips around the mountain. I had a very wise mentor that would say God takes us around the mountain until we learn the lesson sometimes. I would definitely say that is the case here.
We had so much interest over the course of the 44 days it took to sell our house. It seemed like it was constantly a game of "this offer is on the table" then "they backed out and we are back to square one". It was an emotional roller coaster of excitement that our house was possibly sold and disappointment when it fell apart. But after God spoke that it was not a war to fight, but a time to rest in His love, I tried to stay focused on that. John and I both had our moments where we could just rest in that and circumstances did not make us waiver, but we also both had moments where the circumstances over came us and despair, fatigue and frustration set in! But here is the cool thing! About two days before the open house, I felt God say, "Trust me!" I had this sense of wanting to just free fall into God's love. I literally pictured myself falling off a ledge and bouncing up into the air again as I hit his "love" as if I hit a trampoline (in case you don't know by now, I am very visual! ;) ) I was honest and told God that I was scared to let myself fall because I wasn't sure how I would survive if he let me hit the ground instead of catching me! Typing that, I understand how ridiculous it sounds that God would drop me, but in my heart, that was my fear. I only heard one word in return -JUMP! So I did!
The next day we got discouraging news about the family who was putting their house on the market to buy ours (this was before our open house). As soon as John told me, I had a very brief moment of panic, and then the familiar voice - "I've got you! Keep falling!" And I did! I did not waiver one bit in my resolve to trust God and keep falling into His love! And so did John! For the first time in all the roller coaster ride, John and I both at the same time did not let circumstances dictate our emotions. We did not let circumstances dictate our mood. We stood on what God had said and resolved to wait until His time to make circumstances line up with what He had already spoken! We had finally walked around the mountain enough times - we had the lesson not just in our head as knowledge, but in our heart and had changed how we operated! And the next day, we received the amazing contract! I can't say that I have ever "felt" God's love more than I did in that moment. The free fall didn't end in me shattered at the bottom, but instead wrapped in the arms of my loving Heavenly Father smiling down at me!
And even the timing has been perfect despite my begging God to give us a contract sooner....we will be able to stay in our house one week which puts us needing to live somewhere just as my in-laws are headed on vacation leaving their house empty! We will move in the new house the week after school starts, (the first week we will be close enough for the kids to start school, just not in our house) so no sitting at a new house with no friends making the kids more anxious about life in a new city....so many things that show God's extravagant love and provision for us! Truly thankful for the lessons we have learned on this journey! In nearly 19 years of marriage and all the "adventures" John and I have taken, I would say that this one by far has exceeded any in teaching us spiritual truths as individuals but most of all as a couple! Some day we will share our entire testimony....but for now I am resting in the fact that we have walked together closer spiritually through this than ever before! And can I tell you, the enemy hates that! Which will have to be a post for another time! :)
Thank you for those who have taken this journey with us! It has been amazing to hear all the stories of those who have shared. Many of you are still journeying (as are we....this journey isn't just about a house but about our family entering a spiritual promised land that we are still fighting to retake!)...please know that I am believing with you for God's extravagant, loving and best for you ending to your journey as well! Don't give up! He has amazing things for you!
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
The Next Faith Journey: Learning to rest in my identity
Well the journey continues! And as seems to be the case for the Petrees, it is a crazy ride! Last week we had three OFFERS in one day! We were so pumped and felt sure this was the reason for the delay! Three offers would mean a higher sales price. Well, you would think so! I think we may be the only people in history that can have three offers in one day and end up with no contract! We had one offer negotiated and were just waiting on the signed contract with the new conditions to be sent to us. Instead, 12 hours later, they decided to reduce their offer by $20,000! We had things going on that left even the buyers' realtors stunned! This all started last weekend...and the last of the three offers left the table of negotiation Friday.
There are all kinds of emotions and thoughts that go through your heart and head during a week like that! Most of them not good! However, the one that kept coming up and took me totally by surprise was fear. I mean like knots in your stomach, heart racing, fast breathing fear. Fear is not something I have ever really struggled with. I was a worrier in high school, but God really worked in me even with that at a pretty young age. You don't take two families to an African nation you have never been to yourself and navigate their legal system and the US immigration system for the first time to bring home 5 children with fear as a companion! Relying on God in circumstances like that had come even at a pretty low level of spiritual maturity for me....because it had to in order to do what God had called me to. So this feeling that would come over me several times a day had me puzzled! And looking for the cause and solution because I didn't like it!
Friday afternoon after John had let me know the last offer wasn't going to pan out either, I just cried out to God and asked if we were still supposed to move? I had been holding tight to promises and moving forward in faith crashing anything that threatened to stand in the way! But after last week, I was left thinking maybe I was crashing through so hard that I was missing God's redirection. I never want circumstances to dictate what God is telling me or allow them to be "signs" as to whether or not God is calling me to something, but at the same time, if God was putting up road blocks to keep us from a mistake, I wanted to back down and regroup. God didn't necessarily answer that cry with new words, but He did remind me of the promises of the move..and he reminded me of sermons and different bits of information that he had provided throughout the process at times of discouragement. It was like he was reminding me that every time we faced doubt or discouragement on this journey, he had provided some little nugget that kept us moving in the right direction...kind of like the breadcrumbs left on a trail to lead us to the end! And with that I put doubt to rest. But the fact still remained we cannot move until our house sells....and our timeline for being able to move before school starts in order to have the kids in their new school at the beginning of the year is getting really tight! So why is our house not selling?!
John sent me a text not long after I had cried out to God and put doubt to rest. He was doing some things around the house, and God had spoken to him that we would have been settling. It had been very clear that the last offer would have been very difficult to deal with, and probably not where we wanted to be on price. So God just asked John, "Why do you want to settle? Why do you not want all that I have for you?" Well, that's a great question! Bottom line, we don't....but we do still have to sell our house. So we went into the weekend somewhat encouraged and looking forward to showings being booked. And yet, we had not a single showing on Saturday or Sunday....but that was ok because God had given me a revelation Saturday morning.
I listen to the sermons out of Bethel in Redding on a regular basis. I listened to a teaching Bill Johnson gave at their Kingdom Come Conference this past week. As Bill spoke, I felt like he was talking directly to me from God! More faithfully than any other time we have stood on a promise of God that was delayed in coming, this time John and I have put into practice the weapons of warfare and contended and activated faith! We have prayed as individuals and as a couple (something we struggle to do if we are totally transparent with you!). We have written scriptures down and declared them. We have literally walked around the outside of our house and prayed for the walls blocking the sale of it to fall...we have done all the spiritual disciplines in the physical to bring breakthrough in the natural. And yet, we still do not have a buyer for our house. Bill's teaching was on exactly this. He said sometimes when breakthrough doesn't come in the warring, it is because he is not trying to show you your authority, instead he is trying to show you your IDENTITY! Sometimes God wants us to just be still and let him bring the breakthrough to us as a showing of his love and a demonstration of our identity as sons and daughters of God! Talk about mind blown......
See God has told me over and over that the sell of our house would be a demonstration of his love. Without going into all my baggage of faith journeys (that would have to be a series on its own), this journey had seemed to be lining up exactly with what I felt about God's love for me....it goes something like "you will do it for others but not me", "standing on your promises brings disappointment and frustration", "walking by faith brings maturity, but I am not sure I want to be more mature anymore". But I know those are not the Truths of scripture, and I want desperately for the Truths of scripture to be my response no matter what the circumstances. I want a different thought when someone mentions God's love to cross my mind.
Operating in authority is not a problem for me. God gave me a bold personality that definitely needed sanctifying! Through the years as he has called me to speak up for children and advocate on all levels, I have learned to operate in authority from him. So when we started this journey, I had no problem praying, declaring Truths, yielding the weapons of warfare to bring about breakthrough in authority! But what Bill was talking about was a new thing! Receiving the breakthrough simply because I am God's daughter and He loves me? (He based the teaching on Jesus telling us to come to him and receive the kingdom as little children!) Now that is something I struggle with!
As I have unpacked this over the last few days, I have realized recognizing and receiving God's love is a real struggle for me. For many, that would seem odd as I had an amazing childhood. I had a wonderful father who was an amazing (and still is!) example of a father's love for his daughter! I am still a Daddy's Girl through and through. I had a mother who was involved in everything I did and made it her life's work to raise her children. However, I was teased all through school. I learned at a very young age that my value according to the world's standards was next to nothing. I struggled to feel like I had worth. That's why I graduated third in my class in high school and was first chair flute most of my high school career. I found the things I was good at and worked hard to prove my worth in those. As that little girl and emerging young woman, I had my parents there telling me every time I broke down how much I was loved and valued. They reminded me that my worth was not in my looks. I had those constant reminders of what really mattered in life! But my adult life has been a bit of a different story.
I have spent most of my adult life fighting feelings of worthlessness and feeling like I will never measure up to ________ (so many things could fill that blank!). Please understand I am not sharing this for pity or pats on the back! I am sharing because I don't think I am the only one who struggles with this in Christian circles...especially Christian women circles! And I believe God is wanting to show us something new! We have been asked to leave churches because of our ministry that God called us to. I have been unable to serve in places I felt called to serve because I was not friends with the minister's wife or the elder's wives. Struggles in marriage, failures as a parent, the list goes on and on of how the enemy has tried desperately to steal my identity and my value as a daughter of God! And honestly, he's done a darn good job of it! The thought that God would just hand me a buyer for the house and an amazing new home without me "earning" it or proving myself or fighting a battle for it is truly a foreign concept....which I am sure is why he is asking me to do it! He is doing a new thing in me!
But can I share something?! I am almost like a giddy school girl on Christmas morning as I just sit and wait to see how he lavishes His love on me through this journey! I am totally unworthy of it, and know the depths of how undeserving I am....but that's the greatest thing! Despite all of that, he wants to do it anyway!!! I know he has tilled my heart over the last few months and probably years to be ready for this lesson! It is bringing some junk to the surfaces that is not fun, but also needs to be dealt with if I am going to walk in this new identity in freedom! Can I tell you how amazing it is to just rest?! This weekend was packed! I have no idea how we would have stopped, picked up the house and left for an hour at any moment on Saturday or Sunday! When fear would start to creep in that without showings our house will not sell, I would hear this little whisper say, "But I love you! Watch what I will do!" And fear would leave, and I would find myself actually saying a prayer of thanks that we did not have a showing! I don't have this all figured out! I am still chewing on all it means and all God is showing me, but if you have been warring for breakthrough and have not seen it, can I challenge you to go to bethel.tv, buy the Salt and Light conference, and listen to this teaching! Perhaps, like me, God is not wanting you to yield your authority, but instead is wanting you to rest in your identity! He loves us! And he is wanting desperately to show us just how much!
There are all kinds of emotions and thoughts that go through your heart and head during a week like that! Most of them not good! However, the one that kept coming up and took me totally by surprise was fear. I mean like knots in your stomach, heart racing, fast breathing fear. Fear is not something I have ever really struggled with. I was a worrier in high school, but God really worked in me even with that at a pretty young age. You don't take two families to an African nation you have never been to yourself and navigate their legal system and the US immigration system for the first time to bring home 5 children with fear as a companion! Relying on God in circumstances like that had come even at a pretty low level of spiritual maturity for me....because it had to in order to do what God had called me to. So this feeling that would come over me several times a day had me puzzled! And looking for the cause and solution because I didn't like it!
Friday afternoon after John had let me know the last offer wasn't going to pan out either, I just cried out to God and asked if we were still supposed to move? I had been holding tight to promises and moving forward in faith crashing anything that threatened to stand in the way! But after last week, I was left thinking maybe I was crashing through so hard that I was missing God's redirection. I never want circumstances to dictate what God is telling me or allow them to be "signs" as to whether or not God is calling me to something, but at the same time, if God was putting up road blocks to keep us from a mistake, I wanted to back down and regroup. God didn't necessarily answer that cry with new words, but He did remind me of the promises of the move..and he reminded me of sermons and different bits of information that he had provided throughout the process at times of discouragement. It was like he was reminding me that every time we faced doubt or discouragement on this journey, he had provided some little nugget that kept us moving in the right direction...kind of like the breadcrumbs left on a trail to lead us to the end! And with that I put doubt to rest. But the fact still remained we cannot move until our house sells....and our timeline for being able to move before school starts in order to have the kids in their new school at the beginning of the year is getting really tight! So why is our house not selling?!
John sent me a text not long after I had cried out to God and put doubt to rest. He was doing some things around the house, and God had spoken to him that we would have been settling. It had been very clear that the last offer would have been very difficult to deal with, and probably not where we wanted to be on price. So God just asked John, "Why do you want to settle? Why do you not want all that I have for you?" Well, that's a great question! Bottom line, we don't....but we do still have to sell our house. So we went into the weekend somewhat encouraged and looking forward to showings being booked. And yet, we had not a single showing on Saturday or Sunday....but that was ok because God had given me a revelation Saturday morning.
I listen to the sermons out of Bethel in Redding on a regular basis. I listened to a teaching Bill Johnson gave at their Kingdom Come Conference this past week. As Bill spoke, I felt like he was talking directly to me from God! More faithfully than any other time we have stood on a promise of God that was delayed in coming, this time John and I have put into practice the weapons of warfare and contended and activated faith! We have prayed as individuals and as a couple (something we struggle to do if we are totally transparent with you!). We have written scriptures down and declared them. We have literally walked around the outside of our house and prayed for the walls blocking the sale of it to fall...we have done all the spiritual disciplines in the physical to bring breakthrough in the natural. And yet, we still do not have a buyer for our house. Bill's teaching was on exactly this. He said sometimes when breakthrough doesn't come in the warring, it is because he is not trying to show you your authority, instead he is trying to show you your IDENTITY! Sometimes God wants us to just be still and let him bring the breakthrough to us as a showing of his love and a demonstration of our identity as sons and daughters of God! Talk about mind blown......
See God has told me over and over that the sell of our house would be a demonstration of his love. Without going into all my baggage of faith journeys (that would have to be a series on its own), this journey had seemed to be lining up exactly with what I felt about God's love for me....it goes something like "you will do it for others but not me", "standing on your promises brings disappointment and frustration", "walking by faith brings maturity, but I am not sure I want to be more mature anymore". But I know those are not the Truths of scripture, and I want desperately for the Truths of scripture to be my response no matter what the circumstances. I want a different thought when someone mentions God's love to cross my mind.
Operating in authority is not a problem for me. God gave me a bold personality that definitely needed sanctifying! Through the years as he has called me to speak up for children and advocate on all levels, I have learned to operate in authority from him. So when we started this journey, I had no problem praying, declaring Truths, yielding the weapons of warfare to bring about breakthrough in authority! But what Bill was talking about was a new thing! Receiving the breakthrough simply because I am God's daughter and He loves me? (He based the teaching on Jesus telling us to come to him and receive the kingdom as little children!) Now that is something I struggle with!
As I have unpacked this over the last few days, I have realized recognizing and receiving God's love is a real struggle for me. For many, that would seem odd as I had an amazing childhood. I had a wonderful father who was an amazing (and still is!) example of a father's love for his daughter! I am still a Daddy's Girl through and through. I had a mother who was involved in everything I did and made it her life's work to raise her children. However, I was teased all through school. I learned at a very young age that my value according to the world's standards was next to nothing. I struggled to feel like I had worth. That's why I graduated third in my class in high school and was first chair flute most of my high school career. I found the things I was good at and worked hard to prove my worth in those. As that little girl and emerging young woman, I had my parents there telling me every time I broke down how much I was loved and valued. They reminded me that my worth was not in my looks. I had those constant reminders of what really mattered in life! But my adult life has been a bit of a different story.
I have spent most of my adult life fighting feelings of worthlessness and feeling like I will never measure up to ________ (so many things could fill that blank!). Please understand I am not sharing this for pity or pats on the back! I am sharing because I don't think I am the only one who struggles with this in Christian circles...especially Christian women circles! And I believe God is wanting to show us something new! We have been asked to leave churches because of our ministry that God called us to. I have been unable to serve in places I felt called to serve because I was not friends with the minister's wife or the elder's wives. Struggles in marriage, failures as a parent, the list goes on and on of how the enemy has tried desperately to steal my identity and my value as a daughter of God! And honestly, he's done a darn good job of it! The thought that God would just hand me a buyer for the house and an amazing new home without me "earning" it or proving myself or fighting a battle for it is truly a foreign concept....which I am sure is why he is asking me to do it! He is doing a new thing in me!
But can I share something?! I am almost like a giddy school girl on Christmas morning as I just sit and wait to see how he lavishes His love on me through this journey! I am totally unworthy of it, and know the depths of how undeserving I am....but that's the greatest thing! Despite all of that, he wants to do it anyway!!! I know he has tilled my heart over the last few months and probably years to be ready for this lesson! It is bringing some junk to the surfaces that is not fun, but also needs to be dealt with if I am going to walk in this new identity in freedom! Can I tell you how amazing it is to just rest?! This weekend was packed! I have no idea how we would have stopped, picked up the house and left for an hour at any moment on Saturday or Sunday! When fear would start to creep in that without showings our house will not sell, I would hear this little whisper say, "But I love you! Watch what I will do!" And fear would leave, and I would find myself actually saying a prayer of thanks that we did not have a showing! I don't have this all figured out! I am still chewing on all it means and all God is showing me, but if you have been warring for breakthrough and have not seen it, can I challenge you to go to bethel.tv, buy the Salt and Light conference, and listen to this teaching! Perhaps, like me, God is not wanting you to yield your authority, but instead is wanting you to rest in your identity! He loves us! And he is wanting desperately to show us just how much!
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
The Next Faith Journey: Losing Focus
Warning: This is not a pretty, neat, all the ends wrapped up with a nice lesson at the end post! It's messy!
But I have committed to documenting this journey in all transparency...so welcome to my mess!
The last two weeks have been rough! I started this journey committed to the journey. Meaning, keeping my focus on God and the day to day walk instead of focusing on an outcome. You see, when we focus on an outcome, then we have lost focus of the One Who called us to that outcome. When we focus on an outcome and our journey takes us in a different direction than that outcome, we question God's goodness, faithfulness and even at times, His existence! But when we focus on Him and the step by step of the journey, then no matter where we end up at the end of the journey we are satisfied because we have drawn close to God and learned more about His character and His love for us. I started this journey determined to do the latter!
But a few days ago, I realized my focus had shifted. You see when we started with the Country Club house, it was pretty easy to focus on the journey because the outcome was almost as scary as the journey itself....that house needed a LOT of work, and a LOT of resources to make it what we had hoped it would be. But now that we had the Austin Stone house as the outcome, the outcome became more than I had ever hoped or imagined for a home I would ever live in. That made the outcome very desirable and the journey felt excruciating!
God has spoken clearly to John and I both that this move is the process of us coming out of the wilderness and moving into our Promised Land. As God does in his very personal relationship with us, His children, and as a God who is into the details, He had given me Deuteronomy 7:1-2 as our family verse for 2016. These verses talk of the "nations" that are inhabiting the land God is calling the Israelites to inhabit. Verse 2 says, "and when the Lord your God gives them over to you, and you defeat them, then you must devote them to complete destruction." There is a whole series of posts I could do from all just that one verse has taught me this year already, but for now lets just say that the "devoting them to compete destruction" has meant for the last couple of weeks the issues in me, my kids, my marriage and my family that God knows has kept us from being all we could be as individuals and as a family (our promised land) have bubbled to the surface so we can deal with them. And can I just say when your trash bubbles to the top, well, it ain't pretty!
So with the view of the journey being a trash heap, the view of the outcome became my focus - in an unhealthy way! I knew I was in trouble when twice I heard myself telling John, "If we don't move, I don't think I will make it!" I am not quite as shallow as that comment sounds. In both cases, I was referring to the "move" in the context that it will be our promised land and these issues we are dealing with will have been put to death and defeated once and for all - put to "complete destruction!" But still, I had just put to words where my heart was - if I didn't get the outcome I wanted, then I was done. So what that really says is that the outcome is more important, more powerful, and more meaningful to me than God who called me to this journey and will be the same at the end (no matter the outcome) as He was at the beginning! So I tried desperately to regain my focus and press into God making Him the main thing again!
As we have dealt with our "nations" inhabiting our promised land (read strongholds and issues we need to submit to God), we have had to deal with some pretty heavy stuff! God has brought some things to the surface of my heart and in our family to deal with that I thought were long gone. Even this morning as I woke up, the heaviness of many of the things we are working to put to complete destruction felt like a weight sitting on my chest making it almost impossible to breath. So in keeping with my transparency of this journey with the good, the bad and the ugly (today being the latter), I just wanted to share...in case there is anyone else out there walking a path that doesn't have a nice packaged look with the bow on top just yet. I just wanted you to know you are not alone! And I also want to encourage you to keep pressing in! I am! Yesterday when the heaviness threatened to overtake me, I put on praise music, raised my hands, danced, and praised until the heaviness lifted just enough for me to feel God's love and presence! There was another day that as I drove to pick up kids at 5:00, I repeated out loud in my car, "God is good! God is faithful! God is for me, He is not against me!" I just spoke Truths whether I felt them or not until the heaviness lifted just enough that I knew I could make it through the rest of the day. This is a war we are in! Satan is not letting go of us easily as we walk toward our promised land! But keep walking! Use the weapons of warfare we have to fight back! If you need someone to share your struggles with, please message me! I am happy to stand with you...pull you along on days you need a little help, and you can do the same for me! What I know more than anything is that the enemy wants to isolate us in these times because we are much easier to take down alone! Don't let him use that strategy on you....we are the Body of Christ, and we need to help each other out in tough times! Our promised land is waiting.....
But I have committed to documenting this journey in all transparency...so welcome to my mess!
The last two weeks have been rough! I started this journey committed to the journey. Meaning, keeping my focus on God and the day to day walk instead of focusing on an outcome. You see, when we focus on an outcome, then we have lost focus of the One Who called us to that outcome. When we focus on an outcome and our journey takes us in a different direction than that outcome, we question God's goodness, faithfulness and even at times, His existence! But when we focus on Him and the step by step of the journey, then no matter where we end up at the end of the journey we are satisfied because we have drawn close to God and learned more about His character and His love for us. I started this journey determined to do the latter!
But a few days ago, I realized my focus had shifted. You see when we started with the Country Club house, it was pretty easy to focus on the journey because the outcome was almost as scary as the journey itself....that house needed a LOT of work, and a LOT of resources to make it what we had hoped it would be. But now that we had the Austin Stone house as the outcome, the outcome became more than I had ever hoped or imagined for a home I would ever live in. That made the outcome very desirable and the journey felt excruciating!
God has spoken clearly to John and I both that this move is the process of us coming out of the wilderness and moving into our Promised Land. As God does in his very personal relationship with us, His children, and as a God who is into the details, He had given me Deuteronomy 7:1-2 as our family verse for 2016. These verses talk of the "nations" that are inhabiting the land God is calling the Israelites to inhabit. Verse 2 says, "and when the Lord your God gives them over to you, and you defeat them, then you must devote them to complete destruction." There is a whole series of posts I could do from all just that one verse has taught me this year already, but for now lets just say that the "devoting them to compete destruction" has meant for the last couple of weeks the issues in me, my kids, my marriage and my family that God knows has kept us from being all we could be as individuals and as a family (our promised land) have bubbled to the surface so we can deal with them. And can I just say when your trash bubbles to the top, well, it ain't pretty!
So with the view of the journey being a trash heap, the view of the outcome became my focus - in an unhealthy way! I knew I was in trouble when twice I heard myself telling John, "If we don't move, I don't think I will make it!" I am not quite as shallow as that comment sounds. In both cases, I was referring to the "move" in the context that it will be our promised land and these issues we are dealing with will have been put to death and defeated once and for all - put to "complete destruction!" But still, I had just put to words where my heart was - if I didn't get the outcome I wanted, then I was done. So what that really says is that the outcome is more important, more powerful, and more meaningful to me than God who called me to this journey and will be the same at the end (no matter the outcome) as He was at the beginning! So I tried desperately to regain my focus and press into God making Him the main thing again!
As we have dealt with our "nations" inhabiting our promised land (read strongholds and issues we need to submit to God), we have had to deal with some pretty heavy stuff! God has brought some things to the surface of my heart and in our family to deal with that I thought were long gone. Even this morning as I woke up, the heaviness of many of the things we are working to put to complete destruction felt like a weight sitting on my chest making it almost impossible to breath. So in keeping with my transparency of this journey with the good, the bad and the ugly (today being the latter), I just wanted to share...in case there is anyone else out there walking a path that doesn't have a nice packaged look with the bow on top just yet. I just wanted you to know you are not alone! And I also want to encourage you to keep pressing in! I am! Yesterday when the heaviness threatened to overtake me, I put on praise music, raised my hands, danced, and praised until the heaviness lifted just enough for me to feel God's love and presence! There was another day that as I drove to pick up kids at 5:00, I repeated out loud in my car, "God is good! God is faithful! God is for me, He is not against me!" I just spoke Truths whether I felt them or not until the heaviness lifted just enough that I knew I could make it through the rest of the day. This is a war we are in! Satan is not letting go of us easily as we walk toward our promised land! But keep walking! Use the weapons of warfare we have to fight back! If you need someone to share your struggles with, please message me! I am happy to stand with you...pull you along on days you need a little help, and you can do the same for me! What I know more than anything is that the enemy wants to isolate us in these times because we are much easier to take down alone! Don't let him use that strategy on you....we are the Body of Christ, and we need to help each other out in tough times! Our promised land is waiting.....
Thursday, June 9, 2016
The Next Faith Journey: He's no crystal ball....
So we are still on our faith journey to our promised land. It feels like our journey has hit a great big brick wall, but we are believing by faith that the wall will crumble! So we are pressing on!
I said from the beginning that I wanted to take this journey well...to not focus on the outcome but on the daily walk. I can say that some days, I have done a really good job at that. The last week has not been one of those days.
Our house is showing almost daily. That sounds like a great thing...and ultimately it is. But when you consider there are 10 people living in our home with 4 of them being small humans, keeping a house show ready is exhausting! I found myself crying out to God to please just tell me when the house would sell! His response was epic! He was gentle. I could picture Him sitting on His throne in all his glory, shaking his head with a huge smile and a belly laugh while he said, "HollyAnn! I am not a crystal ball!" Ouch! But he didn't stop there! He went on to remind me that he is not a crystal ball because he is relational! He knows if he would just say on June 12, a couple will look at your house and offer you $xxxxx for it, that I would say thank you and then go about my days in my self-reliant and human nature way! I would check that off as "done!" and truck along. But that is not what God wants. He wants me trusting Him. He wants me resting in His promise. He wants me using those promises and those times with Him to war against the doubt and lies and hopelessness that the enemy uses to rob my joy in the journey. I know this journey is training ground!
So I have had the "I am not a crystal ball" rolling around in my head for a few days. But every day that goes without an offer is an arrow the enemy throws at my weak places. I had to take an unexpected trip back to West Texas this weekend. Everything about the trip was a disaster. I was standing on faith for another area, and again, it didn't work as I had thought or prayed it would. Discouraged didn't even begin to describe my state of being. I was desperately trying to hold to Truths....desperately trying to not waiver or be double minded. And yet, I could feel the water from the waves of the storm I was riding starting to come into the boat....
On the plane ride home, I put on my headphones, cranked up the worship music and cried out to God! I love flying! While I know it is super silly and theologically unsound, I just feel closer to God in a plane! I love looking down on the earth below and imagining what God sees yet He singles me out of ALL of that and speaks so clearly and personally. It really makes a gal feel special! Yesterday was no different. As I looked down on all the landscape and thought about our house as well as the situation I had just left, God pointed out this section of trees. It looks like a path had been cut through the trees. God began to speak about the path and our journey of faith. You see if I was at that first bend in the path, I would not be able to see the end because of the curves and turns in the path as well as the trees blocking my view. Even if I had been told that end is there and it is 2.7 miles from you, I would not know where exactly the end was because of the turns and twists in the path. I would need the clear path to direct me. God reminded me that He is the cleared path! Just like I can look down and see the entire path from the plane, He can see my journey just the same! But a person standing at the first curve of the path would not be able to see what I see and might doubt whether the path really had an end or not. He reminded me that my time with him each morning would be what would show me where to step...and as I took that step, a new section of the cleared path would be visible just as it would be for a person walking this path I was looking at. But they would have to trust that by following the cleared sections, they would get where they wanted to go. And I would have to do the same with God!
Then He had one more nugget of truth for me in the path. Don't stop! If a person were to get frustrated at the first or second or third turn because they couldn't see the end yet, and they sat down in their frustration, they would never reach the end! God knew in my heart I was sitting down on our journey. I was weary and tired and just wanted to be at the end. So I sat down. He gave me that gentle nudge to get back on my feet and keep walking because the end is there...just as clearly as I could see the end of the path I was looking at!
So I came home ready to keep the faith! I want to hold His hand and walk this journey trusting, listening and developing even more intimacy with the One who knows the end at the beginning as we journey through the turns! I want to come out on the other side of this closer to Him than when I started. So I am walking on, and He is teaching me much about myself as we walk!
I said from the beginning that I wanted to take this journey well...to not focus on the outcome but on the daily walk. I can say that some days, I have done a really good job at that. The last week has not been one of those days.
Our house is showing almost daily. That sounds like a great thing...and ultimately it is. But when you consider there are 10 people living in our home with 4 of them being small humans, keeping a house show ready is exhausting! I found myself crying out to God to please just tell me when the house would sell! His response was epic! He was gentle. I could picture Him sitting on His throne in all his glory, shaking his head with a huge smile and a belly laugh while he said, "HollyAnn! I am not a crystal ball!" Ouch! But he didn't stop there! He went on to remind me that he is not a crystal ball because he is relational! He knows if he would just say on June 12, a couple will look at your house and offer you $xxxxx for it, that I would say thank you and then go about my days in my self-reliant and human nature way! I would check that off as "done!" and truck along. But that is not what God wants. He wants me trusting Him. He wants me resting in His promise. He wants me using those promises and those times with Him to war against the doubt and lies and hopelessness that the enemy uses to rob my joy in the journey. I know this journey is training ground!
So I have had the "I am not a crystal ball" rolling around in my head for a few days. But every day that goes without an offer is an arrow the enemy throws at my weak places. I had to take an unexpected trip back to West Texas this weekend. Everything about the trip was a disaster. I was standing on faith for another area, and again, it didn't work as I had thought or prayed it would. Discouraged didn't even begin to describe my state of being. I was desperately trying to hold to Truths....desperately trying to not waiver or be double minded. And yet, I could feel the water from the waves of the storm I was riding starting to come into the boat....
On the plane ride home, I put on my headphones, cranked up the worship music and cried out to God! I love flying! While I know it is super silly and theologically unsound, I just feel closer to God in a plane! I love looking down on the earth below and imagining what God sees yet He singles me out of ALL of that and speaks so clearly and personally. It really makes a gal feel special! Yesterday was no different. As I looked down on all the landscape and thought about our house as well as the situation I had just left, God pointed out this section of trees. It looks like a path had been cut through the trees. God began to speak about the path and our journey of faith. You see if I was at that first bend in the path, I would not be able to see the end because of the curves and turns in the path as well as the trees blocking my view. Even if I had been told that end is there and it is 2.7 miles from you, I would not know where exactly the end was because of the turns and twists in the path. I would need the clear path to direct me. God reminded me that He is the cleared path! Just like I can look down and see the entire path from the plane, He can see my journey just the same! But a person standing at the first curve of the path would not be able to see what I see and might doubt whether the path really had an end or not. He reminded me that my time with him each morning would be what would show me where to step...and as I took that step, a new section of the cleared path would be visible just as it would be for a person walking this path I was looking at. But they would have to trust that by following the cleared sections, they would get where they wanted to go. And I would have to do the same with God!Then He had one more nugget of truth for me in the path. Don't stop! If a person were to get frustrated at the first or second or third turn because they couldn't see the end yet, and they sat down in their frustration, they would never reach the end! God knew in my heart I was sitting down on our journey. I was weary and tired and just wanted to be at the end. So I sat down. He gave me that gentle nudge to get back on my feet and keep walking because the end is there...just as clearly as I could see the end of the path I was looking at!
So I came home ready to keep the faith! I want to hold His hand and walk this journey trusting, listening and developing even more intimacy with the One who knows the end at the beginning as we journey through the turns! I want to come out on the other side of this closer to Him than when I started. So I am walking on, and He is teaching me much about myself as we walk!
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
The Next Faith Journey: In the Crosshairs of Satan
It would seem that as soon as I hit send on that last blog post, satan decided to sift us like wheat! What I hadn't shared because I was waiting for that really cool blog post to reveal it, ha!, was that things were progressing with our offer on the Austin Stone house. They had already verbally accepted out offer. We are just working out the details of the contract. It is an estate, so things are moving a little more slowly than they would traditionally, but still, things are moving! AND we had an offer on our house that was what we needed! It had not even hit MLS yet, and we are listing it ourselves. So everything (read circumstances) seemed to be lining up exactly with what we felt God was calling us to do! Then yesterday.
While I was taking kids to school, John calls me. The realtor for the couple buying our house, the ones who LOVE your home and really want it, had sent an email saying that they were withdrawing their offer. "Their plans had changed." And there was the first crack in the foundation I was standing on by faith.
Really, I did ok with that news. I was disappointed, but I just vocalized what I know to be true...God is still good, and God is still faithful! I did have to guard my thoughts carefully because there was a run away train of doubt and confusion and bitterness that wanted to start itself up, but I was determined to shut it down with the Truths I know about the God that I believe has called us to this journey!
To add to this day, John was leaving to go to Michigan for five days! Oh, and did I mention this is our last week of school?! So all you mommas know what that means for my week! I had traveled for work all last week (four straight days!!!!) leaving John to get the last of the house ready to show and care for all the kids. We were literally together less than two full days, and now he was leaving again. We have not been together more than four days straight in weeks! That is definitely taking its toll as our house is a bit difficult to operate as a single parent, not to mention not having your soul mate here to process with in person. I felt the wheels of the train turn just a bit.
John and I spent the day doing the, "what are you thinking" game. He had wifi on his plane, so we were messaging back and forth. I think we both started the day pretty strong. One message I got back from John was a reminder that we are taking our promised land, and satan is not going to let that happen without a fight. But as the day went on, I think we both at some point took our eyes off of the prize and put it on the problem. I was at a women's conference a few weeks ago. One of the sessions was on circling your promise and not your problem! It was a great lesson that God has brought to mind MULTIPLE times since then....and this morning as I talk to Him, he reminded me again. I definitely think we circled our problem yesterday! That's what fuels that run away train!
We had a showing yesterday morning, so that brought a little encouragement. But the hits kept coming. You see, satan don't play when it comes to keeping you off your promised land. The kids came home from school. One of them had an occurrence that really made moving a reality with regard to friends. It was the child that while there is a really strong reason to move for this child, and probably one of our biggest motivators to move, I also worry about the effects of the move on this child the most. As I watched my child process that pain, the run away train started down the hill.
To top off our fabulous (insert eye roll) day, I had a call from a realtor that wanted to pre-view the house yesterday. I had asked her to come while the kids were at school, but she asked to come at 5:30. I agreed as long as she understood that the children would be in the house. I am happy to take them somewhere and all leave for a family to view the house, but for a realtor preview (that is probably just someone wanting to talk us into listing with them), we just keep the children confined to one area. And y'all who know my children know exactly how easy that is! (insert eye roll again!) So I had littles eating popcorn praying they wouldn't spill it watching a movie in the media room. The big kids were scattered throughout the house ready for the "go" to gather in the living room. 5:30 came and went. Then 5:45, then 6. She never showed up! Ugh! The train picked up speed!
As I drove to pick up 1/2 price burgers from Sonic since cooking is impossible while keeping your kitchen spotless waiting on a realtor who never shows, so many thoughts were going through my mind. Are we doing the right thing? Our house may never sell. What if we have to come off our price so much that it puts us in financial strains? What if we don't have the money to do what needs to be done on the new house? What if we don't put up a fence fast enough and one of the toddlers drowns in the pond at the Austin Stone House? And just like that the enemy had fueled the run away train of thoughts that now sped widely down the hill of our promise! As I drove, I heard a voice say "Is that fear you feel?" Sure enough it was! I had let my thoughts get to a place where my disappointment had turned to fear. And this is what I know...fear is NEVER from God! Not that kind of fear. Not the irrational, stomach in knots because you are thinking about what "could happen" fear. That was my wake up call!
I was messaging with John, and he said it best. He sent me a message that said, "I just feel like we are in the crosshairs of satan and I just need God to show up!" To add to John's day, their plane had been rerouted from Chicago after circling for an hour due to bad weather. So they had to fly to Indiana to refuel, then back to Chicago. They missed their connecting flight so they had to rent cars and drive the last leg of their trip which was about 3 hours. So by the time he go to his hotel, he had been traveling for 13 hours! His day was worse than mine!
But as I realized my mind had taken off with the enemy's lies, I thought of John's message and I got angry! We might just be in the crosshairs of satan, but his is what I know. Any weapon satan has to use against me, the Word of God and the Body of Christ can deflect! So he can set his crosshairs on me, it doesn't mean he wins! That has already been settled. We win! The end has been written! So I just pulled out my Sword and put my crosshairs right back on him!
One of my dearest friends is actually in the process of moving also. They are trying to buy a house in this market which is crazy because in their price range, houses are getting multiple offers in hours and selling for over asking price. So they too have had quite the journey! It has been such an amazing God provision though. My friend is an amazing warrior in the kingdom and is most definitely a glass half full gal! So she has encouraged and challenged me in this journey to stay positive and focus on what I know about God just by listening to her do the same in her own circumstances. It has been iron sharpening iron lived out this week! That is why walking alone is not possible in this Christian life and why the Body of Christ is so important...but that is a whole other post for another time!
As I talked to Liz, God reminded me of the story of the twelve spies that were sent into the Promised Land before the Israelites crossed over. Ten of those spies came back and reported the circumstances...big giants that they could never defeat on their own...but Joshua and Caleb reported what God had said! They didn't deny that there were giants, they just reminded the crowd that God said he would hand their enemies over to them as they crossed over their territory into the land God had promised to give the Israelites! I wan to be like Caleb and Joshua.
Yesterday the circumstances overcame me. I focused on the things my eyes could see. As a Christ Follower, I am called to view those circumstances from my heavenly seat next to Christ at the right hand of God! And when I look from that view, I see the Promise and not the problem!
So this morning, I am committed to focus on the promise! We have a showing at 8:45, so the morning is already coming into line with God's promise! And when I get home...I think I will pack a couple of boxes as my "shield of faith" to remind the enemy that we ARE moving and to deflect those arrows he keeps trying to shoot through his crosshairs!
While I was taking kids to school, John calls me. The realtor for the couple buying our house, the ones who LOVE your home and really want it, had sent an email saying that they were withdrawing their offer. "Their plans had changed." And there was the first crack in the foundation I was standing on by faith.
Really, I did ok with that news. I was disappointed, but I just vocalized what I know to be true...God is still good, and God is still faithful! I did have to guard my thoughts carefully because there was a run away train of doubt and confusion and bitterness that wanted to start itself up, but I was determined to shut it down with the Truths I know about the God that I believe has called us to this journey!
To add to this day, John was leaving to go to Michigan for five days! Oh, and did I mention this is our last week of school?! So all you mommas know what that means for my week! I had traveled for work all last week (four straight days!!!!) leaving John to get the last of the house ready to show and care for all the kids. We were literally together less than two full days, and now he was leaving again. We have not been together more than four days straight in weeks! That is definitely taking its toll as our house is a bit difficult to operate as a single parent, not to mention not having your soul mate here to process with in person. I felt the wheels of the train turn just a bit.
John and I spent the day doing the, "what are you thinking" game. He had wifi on his plane, so we were messaging back and forth. I think we both started the day pretty strong. One message I got back from John was a reminder that we are taking our promised land, and satan is not going to let that happen without a fight. But as the day went on, I think we both at some point took our eyes off of the prize and put it on the problem. I was at a women's conference a few weeks ago. One of the sessions was on circling your promise and not your problem! It was a great lesson that God has brought to mind MULTIPLE times since then....and this morning as I talk to Him, he reminded me again. I definitely think we circled our problem yesterday! That's what fuels that run away train!
We had a showing yesterday morning, so that brought a little encouragement. But the hits kept coming. You see, satan don't play when it comes to keeping you off your promised land. The kids came home from school. One of them had an occurrence that really made moving a reality with regard to friends. It was the child that while there is a really strong reason to move for this child, and probably one of our biggest motivators to move, I also worry about the effects of the move on this child the most. As I watched my child process that pain, the run away train started down the hill.
To top off our fabulous (insert eye roll) day, I had a call from a realtor that wanted to pre-view the house yesterday. I had asked her to come while the kids were at school, but she asked to come at 5:30. I agreed as long as she understood that the children would be in the house. I am happy to take them somewhere and all leave for a family to view the house, but for a realtor preview (that is probably just someone wanting to talk us into listing with them), we just keep the children confined to one area. And y'all who know my children know exactly how easy that is! (insert eye roll again!) So I had littles eating popcorn praying they wouldn't spill it watching a movie in the media room. The big kids were scattered throughout the house ready for the "go" to gather in the living room. 5:30 came and went. Then 5:45, then 6. She never showed up! Ugh! The train picked up speed!
As I drove to pick up 1/2 price burgers from Sonic since cooking is impossible while keeping your kitchen spotless waiting on a realtor who never shows, so many thoughts were going through my mind. Are we doing the right thing? Our house may never sell. What if we have to come off our price so much that it puts us in financial strains? What if we don't have the money to do what needs to be done on the new house? What if we don't put up a fence fast enough and one of the toddlers drowns in the pond at the Austin Stone House? And just like that the enemy had fueled the run away train of thoughts that now sped widely down the hill of our promise! As I drove, I heard a voice say "Is that fear you feel?" Sure enough it was! I had let my thoughts get to a place where my disappointment had turned to fear. And this is what I know...fear is NEVER from God! Not that kind of fear. Not the irrational, stomach in knots because you are thinking about what "could happen" fear. That was my wake up call!
I was messaging with John, and he said it best. He sent me a message that said, "I just feel like we are in the crosshairs of satan and I just need God to show up!" To add to John's day, their plane had been rerouted from Chicago after circling for an hour due to bad weather. So they had to fly to Indiana to refuel, then back to Chicago. They missed their connecting flight so they had to rent cars and drive the last leg of their trip which was about 3 hours. So by the time he go to his hotel, he had been traveling for 13 hours! His day was worse than mine!
But as I realized my mind had taken off with the enemy's lies, I thought of John's message and I got angry! We might just be in the crosshairs of satan, but his is what I know. Any weapon satan has to use against me, the Word of God and the Body of Christ can deflect! So he can set his crosshairs on me, it doesn't mean he wins! That has already been settled. We win! The end has been written! So I just pulled out my Sword and put my crosshairs right back on him!
One of my dearest friends is actually in the process of moving also. They are trying to buy a house in this market which is crazy because in their price range, houses are getting multiple offers in hours and selling for over asking price. So they too have had quite the journey! It has been such an amazing God provision though. My friend is an amazing warrior in the kingdom and is most definitely a glass half full gal! So she has encouraged and challenged me in this journey to stay positive and focus on what I know about God just by listening to her do the same in her own circumstances. It has been iron sharpening iron lived out this week! That is why walking alone is not possible in this Christian life and why the Body of Christ is so important...but that is a whole other post for another time!
As I talked to Liz, God reminded me of the story of the twelve spies that were sent into the Promised Land before the Israelites crossed over. Ten of those spies came back and reported the circumstances...big giants that they could never defeat on their own...but Joshua and Caleb reported what God had said! They didn't deny that there were giants, they just reminded the crowd that God said he would hand their enemies over to them as they crossed over their territory into the land God had promised to give the Israelites! I wan to be like Caleb and Joshua.
Yesterday the circumstances overcame me. I focused on the things my eyes could see. As a Christ Follower, I am called to view those circumstances from my heavenly seat next to Christ at the right hand of God! And when I look from that view, I see the Promise and not the problem!
So this morning, I am committed to focus on the promise! We have a showing at 8:45, so the morning is already coming into line with God's promise! And when I get home...I think I will pack a couple of boxes as my "shield of faith" to remind the enemy that we ARE moving and to deflect those arrows he keeps trying to shoot through his crosshairs!
Monday, May 30, 2016
The Next Faith Journey: Obedience, Submission, and a Ram
Walking with God is never boring! That is a fact! We have taken a few twists and turns on our newest faith journey! A couple weeks ago I spent the day on Country Club Road with a contractor going over all that needed to be done. The first contractor we had met with was pretty overwhelmed with the job, so we wanted to get a second opinion. I also met with an AC company to try to figure out the 6 condensers! What a mess!
We were moving forward. We received seller's disclosure which was pretty discouraging because they were obviously not taking it seriously. That was obvious on the question that asked if they knew of any issues with the pool drainage to which they checked no. The pool drain was completely cemented in to make a fish pond! Where I come from, that is a problem for drainage! They also talked throughout the disclosure about how the property was "priced for repairs". Remember we knew we would probably need to get it for a third of the price they were asking! But God had not released us, so we moved forward in faith as there were no definite red lights....maybe a caution light or two, but still not red!
Then God did a really cool thing!
John and I desire to have a Godly marriage! For those who haven't figured it out, I am a pretty strong personality! ;) So sometimes the Biblical roles in our home take very deliberate and methodical steps to ensure execution! And sometimes they just get completely flipped upside down before we even realize it! We have been doing the very deliberate and methodical steps in this journey! At some point that week nearly in passing when we were talking about all that had to be done on the Country Club house, John says, "I think this may be an Abraham and Isaac situation where God is asking us to walk in faith and continue on a journey to learn to trust, but he will provide a different way that is not nearly as hard or stressful as remodeling that house." I can't say that I immediately thought that there was any merit to that. However as I reflected on it over the next few days, I could see where God could have used the Country Club house to spiritually wake me up and get me in a place where I was meeting with Him again. But I still felt very much like the Country Club house was what we needed to pursue! I shared all of that with John, and we kept moving forward.
Fast forward a few days and John gets a text from a friend who lives in the community we are wanting to move to. He knows of someone who is selling their family estate. No one really seems to know how many bedrooms or bathrooms for sure. But the land and square footage sounds like what we are looking for. John thinks we should go look at it. So I am left struggling with what I know God has told me, and what my husband is asking me to do...along with the conversations we have had about Country Club possibly being a test of faith by God who all along had something much better for us. I was pretty discouraged and again questioning our sanity for even thinking about moving. I have learned in this journey that having 8 kids makes it really hard to feel as if you are always doing what is best for all of the kids! That has been a struggle for me in this process! I was struggling with not wavering in faith of what I felt God had told me, being open to what my husband was thinking, and wondering if it was all just a crazy idea from the beginning! I finally told John if he could find time in our crazy schedule to go look at it when they could meet us, I would go.
As we drove up, I was taken back by the yards of the house! The lot was even more stunning than Country Club Road. But the verdict on the house was still out...it was covered in ivy..like growing over the windows in ivy! Toben was with us, and he said as we drove up, "I don't want to live in this house, I am pretty sure it's haunted!" (Disclaimer: we do not teach our kids about haunted houses! Nor do we believe in ghosts! :) ) But John and I get out and meet the sweet lady who had come to show us her family's
estate. We would learn that she was one of 5 children. Her brother had built the house in the '80's for their parents. They had all raised their grandchildren there. They had lost their mother in February and none of them needed this much space. They didn't have the funds to keep it in the family. She just kept saying, "This place is magical!" As we walked through the house, I would come to agree with her! You walk from the main front door into a grand entry, into a dining room with a really long table (long enough to seat our whole family!!!!!) and on the other side of the dining room was a double door that she had thrown open to what looked like heaven on earth! There was a HUGE back porch with a deck stepping down off of that, then a lawn stepping down off the deck. Then you walk down a few more steps to get to the HUGE green back yard! We were still unclear about how many bedrooms and bathrooms the house had. As we walked through we kept count. There were a few things about the house layout that I was not sure about, (like no more game room). But as we kept walking, I fell more and more in love with the place! Final bedroom count was 7 - just what we needed! And the rooms are huge, so really no game room was a non-issue because the rooms are plenty big for toys and play! The property has a stocked pond that Toben immediately fell in love with! And she told us if we put corn out at night, our yard would be full of deer the next morning. There was something familiar about the place that I couldn't put my finger on....something that made me know I had dreamed of a place like this but never really imagined I would ever live in one! It was when John said, "It reminds me of a Fredericksburg home" that I finally knew what it was! I had grown up going to Fredericksburg and loving the feel of those homes and the town! I had dreamed of one day living somewhere that looked like that with Austin stone and green grass and flowers galore. And he was right...it looked just like a Fredericksburg bed and breakfast!
Even with all of that, I was unsure. What about the directions God had given me about Country Club. What about the parts of this house that made me a little unsure like the master bedroom being upstairs and both living areas being downstairs with one being fairly small compared to what we have now. Just little things that drive you crazy when trying to make a big decision like this!
As God would have it, I was headed to a women's conference that next day after looking at the house. As I drove to get my friend from the airport that evening after we looked at the house, John sent me a text that said, "I think this is our house. I think it is our Ram." You see, God had planted in John the seed that He would provide a less stressful, less intense route than Country Club because He knew we had trusted and walked in total faith in the direction He had called. But just like he did with Abraham as he was about to sacrifice Isaac, God had provided a ram for the sacrifice and spared Isaac's life and Abraham's father's heart in having to sacrifice a son.....something God would not spare himself for us, by the way! And John believed this was our Ram provided by God! It still needed some renovation, but not nearly to the extent of the other house.
So that provided me with an opportunity and the need for some serious prayer! As I sought God's will and direction, I could not get a clear answer. What I did get was released from the Country Club house in a sense. It is a little hard to explain, but how I put it to John was that I did not have the clear cut, without a doubt, answer to buy the new house that I had with the Country Club house. However, at that point, I did feel like I could walk away from the Country Club house without being in disobedience or giving up on God or faith. But I also explained for me to do that I would need him (John) to tell me he had that extreme confident, without a doubt, direction from God that this house is our house.
And just like that God provided an amazing opportunity for John and my marriage! He had given us an opportunity for marriage to work the way He intended it! He had provided an opportunity for John to lead, for me to submit. For John to love me, and for me to respect him! It was a beautiful thing!
And He didn't stop there! A few days after we decided to pursue the Austin Stone house, John got a call form the contractor who was working up a bid on the Country Club house. He asked John if we had a budget (enter hysterical laughter at the thought of us NOT having a budget!). Of course John said that we did, to which the contractor replied that they were not yet finished with all the repairs needed and were at $350,000! And just like that God provided confirmation that we had made the right decision to lay that down and pursue the other house! That was over $100,000 more than what we knew was the max we could spend to remodel!
God has once again shown me through this faith journey that He is all about the journey! He is not nearly as concerned with the outcomes of these journeys as we are....but what He is concerned with is the way these journeys change and mature and grow us into His likeness! It has been refreshing in this journey to stop and smell the roses so to speak! I can say that this is the first time I have embraced that Truth and committed to focusing on the journey and not on the outcome! It has truly been a refreshing journey that has brought me back to a place of trust and faith. It has made me fall even more madly in love with my Savior and taught me so much about Him and how He loves me!
Don't get me wrong...I am excited to see where this journey ends as well, but until we arrive at the end, I am devoted to taking each step focused on Him and learning to walk in total reliance, faith and trust of my Heavenly Father who is a good daddy! I am determined to enjoy the journey! I hope this encourages you in any faith or trust journey you are on right now! Commit today to simply hearing His voice and doing what He says for today! Tomorrow has enough troubles of it's own! ;)
We were moving forward. We received seller's disclosure which was pretty discouraging because they were obviously not taking it seriously. That was obvious on the question that asked if they knew of any issues with the pool drainage to which they checked no. The pool drain was completely cemented in to make a fish pond! Where I come from, that is a problem for drainage! They also talked throughout the disclosure about how the property was "priced for repairs". Remember we knew we would probably need to get it for a third of the price they were asking! But God had not released us, so we moved forward in faith as there were no definite red lights....maybe a caution light or two, but still not red!
Then God did a really cool thing!
John and I desire to have a Godly marriage! For those who haven't figured it out, I am a pretty strong personality! ;) So sometimes the Biblical roles in our home take very deliberate and methodical steps to ensure execution! And sometimes they just get completely flipped upside down before we even realize it! We have been doing the very deliberate and methodical steps in this journey! At some point that week nearly in passing when we were talking about all that had to be done on the Country Club house, John says, "I think this may be an Abraham and Isaac situation where God is asking us to walk in faith and continue on a journey to learn to trust, but he will provide a different way that is not nearly as hard or stressful as remodeling that house." I can't say that I immediately thought that there was any merit to that. However as I reflected on it over the next few days, I could see where God could have used the Country Club house to spiritually wake me up and get me in a place where I was meeting with Him again. But I still felt very much like the Country Club house was what we needed to pursue! I shared all of that with John, and we kept moving forward.
Fast forward a few days and John gets a text from a friend who lives in the community we are wanting to move to. He knows of someone who is selling their family estate. No one really seems to know how many bedrooms or bathrooms for sure. But the land and square footage sounds like what we are looking for. John thinks we should go look at it. So I am left struggling with what I know God has told me, and what my husband is asking me to do...along with the conversations we have had about Country Club possibly being a test of faith by God who all along had something much better for us. I was pretty discouraged and again questioning our sanity for even thinking about moving. I have learned in this journey that having 8 kids makes it really hard to feel as if you are always doing what is best for all of the kids! That has been a struggle for me in this process! I was struggling with not wavering in faith of what I felt God had told me, being open to what my husband was thinking, and wondering if it was all just a crazy idea from the beginning! I finally told John if he could find time in our crazy schedule to go look at it when they could meet us, I would go.
 |
| Front of the House |
 |
| Back of House |
 |
| Back Yard |
Even with all of that, I was unsure. What about the directions God had given me about Country Club. What about the parts of this house that made me a little unsure like the master bedroom being upstairs and both living areas being downstairs with one being fairly small compared to what we have now. Just little things that drive you crazy when trying to make a big decision like this!
As God would have it, I was headed to a women's conference that next day after looking at the house. As I drove to get my friend from the airport that evening after we looked at the house, John sent me a text that said, "I think this is our house. I think it is our Ram." You see, God had planted in John the seed that He would provide a less stressful, less intense route than Country Club because He knew we had trusted and walked in total faith in the direction He had called. But just like he did with Abraham as he was about to sacrifice Isaac, God had provided a ram for the sacrifice and spared Isaac's life and Abraham's father's heart in having to sacrifice a son.....something God would not spare himself for us, by the way! And John believed this was our Ram provided by God! It still needed some renovation, but not nearly to the extent of the other house.
So that provided me with an opportunity and the need for some serious prayer! As I sought God's will and direction, I could not get a clear answer. What I did get was released from the Country Club house in a sense. It is a little hard to explain, but how I put it to John was that I did not have the clear cut, without a doubt, answer to buy the new house that I had with the Country Club house. However, at that point, I did feel like I could walk away from the Country Club house without being in disobedience or giving up on God or faith. But I also explained for me to do that I would need him (John) to tell me he had that extreme confident, without a doubt, direction from God that this house is our house.
And just like that God provided an amazing opportunity for John and my marriage! He had given us an opportunity for marriage to work the way He intended it! He had provided an opportunity for John to lead, for me to submit. For John to love me, and for me to respect him! It was a beautiful thing!
And He didn't stop there! A few days after we decided to pursue the Austin Stone house, John got a call form the contractor who was working up a bid on the Country Club house. He asked John if we had a budget (enter hysterical laughter at the thought of us NOT having a budget!). Of course John said that we did, to which the contractor replied that they were not yet finished with all the repairs needed and were at $350,000! And just like that God provided confirmation that we had made the right decision to lay that down and pursue the other house! That was over $100,000 more than what we knew was the max we could spend to remodel!
God has once again shown me through this faith journey that He is all about the journey! He is not nearly as concerned with the outcomes of these journeys as we are....but what He is concerned with is the way these journeys change and mature and grow us into His likeness! It has been refreshing in this journey to stop and smell the roses so to speak! I can say that this is the first time I have embraced that Truth and committed to focusing on the journey and not on the outcome! It has truly been a refreshing journey that has brought me back to a place of trust and faith. It has made me fall even more madly in love with my Savior and taught me so much about Him and how He loves me!
Don't get me wrong...I am excited to see where this journey ends as well, but until we arrive at the end, I am devoted to taking each step focused on Him and learning to walk in total reliance, faith and trust of my Heavenly Father who is a good daddy! I am determined to enjoy the journey! I hope this encourages you in any faith or trust journey you are on right now! Commit today to simply hearing His voice and doing what He says for today! Tomorrow has enough troubles of it's own! ;)
Sunday, May 8, 2016
the next faith journey! Part Two
So I went to bed early that night. Really early. I kind of
left everything to John that night. I never do that! I didn’t even tuck the
kids in bed. I was just kind of done adulting for the day….for the week….for
the year. I was frustrated. I was mad. I was sad. I was disappointed. I could
feel hopelessness starting to press in again. It’s at that point that I am
beginning to recognize where it all is coming from. With God there is ALWAYS
hope! So when hopelessness starts, I know the enemy is at play in my mind. I
had enough with-it-ness to know I had to get back in the Word if I was going to
pull myself up out of the pit I was starting to sink into!
So I set the alarm for early figuring when you go to bed
at 8:30, you can afford to get up at 4:00 am to spend time with Jesus. And it
was true. I woke up the next morning before my alarm went off (God often does
this when He wants to talk to me! And if I get up when I wake up, I usually am
wide awake and not tired the rest of the day!) but the darkness was still
pressing in and I just could not do it with that first alarm. Sleep did not
come with the snooze of the alarm, so I got up the next time it went off. Best
move I made all day!
I went into my prayer closet and this verse card hanging on
the wall immediately stuck out at me!
I didn’t even remember writing that! But it was
P.E.R.F.E.C.T. for not only that morning but the pit I had been slipping in and
out of for weeks if not months! I snapped this picture and put it on my Insta
account – cause you know when you do that it means it really means something!
(insert sarcastic tone and wink, wink!) But actually every time someone liked
it, I got a notification which brought it right back to mind. A funny thing
happened mid-morning. I had a very vague memory of a house John showed me when
I woke for a brief second when he came to bed the night before. I remember
thinking he was smoking crack for even showing it to me and was lucky I didn’t
completely unleash on him. Remember, I was not in a good frame of mind that
evening! I don’t normally unleash on my husband for any reason, but I wasn’t
exactly myself! So I went to my computer to see if I could find the house.
I found it. It was as bad as I remembered. But this voice
said, “that’s the house!” It wasn’t an audible voice. It was in my head. It
wasn’t a booming voice in my head. But the more you walk with God, the more you
learn what His “voice” sounds like. You know, like when you start dating and
your new beau has to say, “This is ____” when you answer the phone (ok
maybe I am dating myself here, but we did not used to have phone numbers and
names print out before we answered the phone!). But after a few weeks of
dating, you recognize the “hello!” on the other end of the line without them
having to tell you who they are. That’s kind of how it is with God’s voice too.
However, it has been awhile since I’ve heard His voice like that. In fact, He
had not dropped a crazy, jump-off-the-ledge faith thought like that since He
asked us to take custody of Ella and DJ – 3 years ago! But as I heard that
voice, peace followed by a crazy excitement started bubbling up in my from
the inside out! I recognized that feeling immediately!
I knew John was in a meeting, so I simply texted him and
asked him to call me. He asked if it was an emergency. I couldn’t hold it in! I
told him no, but that I was calling our realtor about the house on Country Club
Road and was calling the loan officers to get approved unless he objected! You
know what I got back? A text that said:
K. In this mornings Bethel sermon I listened to it said ‘in the kingdom all lights are green until they are red and you’ll know when they are red’
K. In this mornings Bethel sermon I listened to it said ‘in the kingdom all lights are green until they are red and you’ll know when they are red’
And that was all the confirmation I needed! I knew we had
just taken the first step into a crazy adventure! I had NO IDEA where this
adventure would lead us, but I knew I felt an excitement I had not felt in a
Very. Long. Time. And I knew I loved my husband more in that moment than I had
in a lifetime.
Now it just sounds like a warm and fuzzy story, right. Well,
let me tell you about Country Club Road! It is priced $100,000 over our budget. It is 8,122 square feet. Hold on, don’t get too excited. In that 8,122 sq ft,
there are only three bedrooms! I am not sure how that happens, but it did! We
need 7. I felt sure in that much room we could find a place for four more! But it gets even better (or worse however you want to look at it!) We can tell from the pictures that we would need to get it for around half and maybe even 1/3 what they are asking to be able to purchase it and do the repairs! That's crazy talk in this market! It
has been for sale for almost a year, and we would later learn has been
uninhabited for almost 2 years. You can see in the pictures that it all needs
painted, and it’s pretty clear that most of the carpet in the house has been
ripped up. I studied the pictures that day, and the kitchen is amazing - minus the heating lamps..no joke! heating
lamps!..hanging above the island – It has many built ins in the cabinets and
what I am almost positive is an industrial refrigerator/freezer like the one we
left in our newly remodeled kitchen in West Texas! I found a virtual tour that
had pictures with descriptions, and I started planning out the bedrooms!
As that day went on, I began to feel alive again! Truly, I
had a feeling of joy and just aliveness that I had not felt in years….probably
since we said yes to the babies! And God spoke to me All. Day. Long!
For instance, I had to go to the store. I bought a snack to
eat on the run at the deli and placed it in the cart while I loaded my car. I
turned my back to put something in the car, and a black bird with beady yellow
eyes jumped up on the cart and tried to eat my snack! I started yelling and
waving my arms (sure that was a sight for all the other people in the parking
lot!) to get him off. He just kind of looked at me, then eventually jumped off
the cart onto the ground. That voice I heard earlier said, “Don’t you see! That
is exactly what the enemy is doing to you! He is jumping up to steal your joy
and your dreams right out from under your nose! And just like you fought that
bird off, you will have to fight him off!” It was so vivid and so direct that I
teared up right there in the parking lot! That voice. His Voice spoke right to
my inner being! I picked up my snack and put it in the car only to return to
the cart and find the beady eyed bird back up on the cart again staring at me!
Again the He spoke “I have placed this seed of faith in you. The enemy will try
to steal it. He will come back even when you have protected it just like the
bird and your snack! Do not let him coming back be a sign that the seed is not
real. Fight him off. Remind him of his reality. He is defeated. The seed of
faith will grow into your dream as long as you don’t let him steal it.” Wow!
Just what I needed to hear. And in that moment I decided I was walking this
journey of faith with confidence until God put up a distinct red light!
That day, I learned a valuable lesson. Hearing God say “Go!”
and then answering with a “Yes!” before you even know the first step makes you
feel more alive than anything this world has to offer! I looked in the mirror
that night and said, “Welcome back, HollyAnn! I have missed you!” And just like
that, I decided to put all fear and doubt and unbelief and fear behind me and
Trust! Trust I heard His voice, trust He is good, and trust I could survive the
journey – no matter where it takes us!
Thursday, May 5, 2016
Alive Again...the next faith journey! Part One
I have said many times here that this has been a very dark and difficult season. I have thought several times that a light was shining and the darkness was ending. However, we have pretty well stayed in a state of crisis for the last 5 and a half years. If it was not a child in crisis, it was a parent. If it was not one of those, then there was just the very hard and overwhelming tasks of life with a family our size and the unique needs of all of our children. Add to all of that a move across the state which meant having to build new community in the middle of it, and you have the perfect recipe for dark days.
I think I did a fairly good job of navigating the storms for the first couple of years, but the last three and a half have just been me treading water trying to keep my head from going under. Can anyone relate?! I imagine many can. I don't think this is something only John and I are facing. I hear the same stories from many saints. I think it is the dark days we live in. All hell has literally broken lose, and the enemy is most definitely roaming around seeking whom he may devour! And I have some pretty significant bit marks on my body!
But it doesn't have to be like that! I know that in my head...so why do I walk in the darkness so many days? For me, it is a slow fade. I have days where I have intense and intimate time with God. I coast on that for a few days, then the gas of that time runs out. I don't refuel. Darkness consumes me again.
Let me define my darkness for you. It is not an immediate "lights out" darkness. It starts with that one thought. "Where is God now?" or "See where walking in obedience got you?" If my guard is down and that thought takes root in my mind before I take it captive and make it obedient to what I know is true about my God and replace it with His Living Word, then the darkness slowly takes over. Before I realize it, I am in a state of depression. That makes it hard (read almost impossible) to get up that hour early to spend quality time with God. Which means no Truth going in to hold at bay the deluge of lies that come all day long! For me it looks a lot like overwhelming schedules, chaos that seems to never have order and in my mind is impossible to manage. And just like that, I am putty in the hands of the enemy.
Well, this past week, light broke through the darkness in a way it has not since we said yes to taking custody of our grand babies. For many reasons that I will have to share another time, John and I have been looking at homes with land. One of the reasons is so we can have horses. Ava has started hippo-therapy and we have found something she loves - horses! She has no fear and has found something uniquely hers that she enjoys, can do and is successful! Praise God! You don't really understand the magnitude of something like that for a child until you have a special needs child who tries and tries everything imaginable, but just has some limitations that means success is just outside of their reach! But there are many other reasons a move is exciting - like getting back to a smaller town. We spent the first 6 years of our marriage in small communities, and we miss that extended family feel that these communities have. We also know for our kids, the opportunities in a small school district are very beneficial - while balancing that with the needs of our kiddos that have been served VERY WELL in our current district!
So what started out as looking out of curiosity of what is out there, has turned into what would appear to be our next faith journey! John and I have always done the "big things" well! It's the day to day that kills us! So we are committing to doing the day to day well while we walk out the big thing this time! It makes it all the more exciting!
I hope to be able to go back and fill in the gaps, but for now, I am just going to say that after our initial looking at properties, I laid down the idea of moving. It was kind of my desires that started the process, and with some circumstances currently and after looking at what was in our budget, I decided it must not be the right time. Now what came with that was some disappointment and maybe even a little bitterness. You see there are some BEAUTIFUL 4 bedroom homes on properties that are picture perfect that are below our budget. But when you factor in needing at least 6 and really 7 bedrooms, well, there just are not many on the market at all, and certainly not in the price range we were looking. The enemy saw the target and went right to work planting the lies that all the yes's we made to God had created a circumstance that made something my heart desired, not just for me but for my children, impossible. And so the darkness continued.
John brought moving back up. And if I am totally honest, I was just slightly peeved that he did. I had found my peace (read had settled into my bitterness about not being able to move) and was ready to gear up for another year or 2 or 8 here. You see it will be 8 years before we have another child entering high school without someone else already in high school! #thingsyoushouldneverhavetosay But there were a couple of open houses in the community that we really wanted to live on a Sunday when an employee of John's was also having a blood drive at that same community. So we decided to go take a look. Both houses were amazing and over the top gorgeous! But again, space is an issue with a family of 10! One had enough land that we could probably make work, but the house just didn't have enough space, no matter how hard I tried to make it work because it was amazing! The other house had enough space, but no land for what we are hoping to add when we move! And it was about 100,000 above our price range! #sigh There was one other house that looked like a possible fit in another community, so we went home through that route that Sunday afternoon. The community was disappointing and not what we knew we wanted to settle into. We REALLY hope this is our last move. I am looking at this as the Camp Glammy and Grumps location for the brood of grandkids we will have the pleasure of loving on in the coming years (and prayerfully sooner rather than later if we are able to be a part of Ezra and Uriah's lives!). So I went to bed pretty defeated Sunday night. I was ticked that I had started thinking about it again only to be disappointed. And I was frustrated again that we needed so much space but had such limited funds for a purchase. The darkness tried to come in a little close....but new mercies would come in the morning.
I think I did a fairly good job of navigating the storms for the first couple of years, but the last three and a half have just been me treading water trying to keep my head from going under. Can anyone relate?! I imagine many can. I don't think this is something only John and I are facing. I hear the same stories from many saints. I think it is the dark days we live in. All hell has literally broken lose, and the enemy is most definitely roaming around seeking whom he may devour! And I have some pretty significant bit marks on my body!
But it doesn't have to be like that! I know that in my head...so why do I walk in the darkness so many days? For me, it is a slow fade. I have days where I have intense and intimate time with God. I coast on that for a few days, then the gas of that time runs out. I don't refuel. Darkness consumes me again.
Let me define my darkness for you. It is not an immediate "lights out" darkness. It starts with that one thought. "Where is God now?" or "See where walking in obedience got you?" If my guard is down and that thought takes root in my mind before I take it captive and make it obedient to what I know is true about my God and replace it with His Living Word, then the darkness slowly takes over. Before I realize it, I am in a state of depression. That makes it hard (read almost impossible) to get up that hour early to spend quality time with God. Which means no Truth going in to hold at bay the deluge of lies that come all day long! For me it looks a lot like overwhelming schedules, chaos that seems to never have order and in my mind is impossible to manage. And just like that, I am putty in the hands of the enemy.
Well, this past week, light broke through the darkness in a way it has not since we said yes to taking custody of our grand babies. For many reasons that I will have to share another time, John and I have been looking at homes with land. One of the reasons is so we can have horses. Ava has started hippo-therapy and we have found something she loves - horses! She has no fear and has found something uniquely hers that she enjoys, can do and is successful! Praise God! You don't really understand the magnitude of something like that for a child until you have a special needs child who tries and tries everything imaginable, but just has some limitations that means success is just outside of their reach! But there are many other reasons a move is exciting - like getting back to a smaller town. We spent the first 6 years of our marriage in small communities, and we miss that extended family feel that these communities have. We also know for our kids, the opportunities in a small school district are very beneficial - while balancing that with the needs of our kiddos that have been served VERY WELL in our current district!
So what started out as looking out of curiosity of what is out there, has turned into what would appear to be our next faith journey! John and I have always done the "big things" well! It's the day to day that kills us! So we are committing to doing the day to day well while we walk out the big thing this time! It makes it all the more exciting!
I hope to be able to go back and fill in the gaps, but for now, I am just going to say that after our initial looking at properties, I laid down the idea of moving. It was kind of my desires that started the process, and with some circumstances currently and after looking at what was in our budget, I decided it must not be the right time. Now what came with that was some disappointment and maybe even a little bitterness. You see there are some BEAUTIFUL 4 bedroom homes on properties that are picture perfect that are below our budget. But when you factor in needing at least 6 and really 7 bedrooms, well, there just are not many on the market at all, and certainly not in the price range we were looking. The enemy saw the target and went right to work planting the lies that all the yes's we made to God had created a circumstance that made something my heart desired, not just for me but for my children, impossible. And so the darkness continued.
John brought moving back up. And if I am totally honest, I was just slightly peeved that he did. I had found my peace (read had settled into my bitterness about not being able to move) and was ready to gear up for another year or 2 or 8 here. You see it will be 8 years before we have another child entering high school without someone else already in high school! #thingsyoushouldneverhavetosay But there were a couple of open houses in the community that we really wanted to live on a Sunday when an employee of John's was also having a blood drive at that same community. So we decided to go take a look. Both houses were amazing and over the top gorgeous! But again, space is an issue with a family of 10! One had enough land that we could probably make work, but the house just didn't have enough space, no matter how hard I tried to make it work because it was amazing! The other house had enough space, but no land for what we are hoping to add when we move! And it was about 100,000 above our price range! #sigh There was one other house that looked like a possible fit in another community, so we went home through that route that Sunday afternoon. The community was disappointing and not what we knew we wanted to settle into. We REALLY hope this is our last move. I am looking at this as the Camp Glammy and Grumps location for the brood of grandkids we will have the pleasure of loving on in the coming years (and prayerfully sooner rather than later if we are able to be a part of Ezra and Uriah's lives!). So I went to bed pretty defeated Sunday night. I was ticked that I had started thinking about it again only to be disappointed. And I was frustrated again that we needed so much space but had such limited funds for a purchase. The darkness tried to come in a little close....but new mercies would come in the morning.
Saturday, March 26, 2016
Saturday was for waiting....
It's Saturday. Yesterday was Good Friday, and tomorrow is Easter. I don't think I have ever seen any significance in Saturday. Until today.
As I was reading through the crucifixion story this morning, a couple of versus stood out that I have never really noticed. Matthew 27:62 says "now on the next day". That would have been Saturday. Jesus' death and resurrection had been prophesied since there was a need for a Savior. The signs of the Old Testament were being fulfilled. On Friday they witnessed Jesus hung on the cross, humiliated, broken, and beaten. They watched as the mid-day sky turned pitch black, and they felt the ground quake beneath their feet as the earth shook for her King! But on Saturday, it was quiet. They were only left with the memories of yesterday and a dead Savior. Where is the hope in that? Even as they talked among themselves about all Jesus had said at the Last Supper, they had no way of knowing for sure what tomorrow would bring! I am sure they began to even doubt of the darkness was really real! "Did the earth really shake or, was I just a little woosy from standing in the sun all day?" Thomas doubted. I am sure Peter lamented his denial wishing he had a do-over. Circumstances and hard evidence left nothing but despair and mourning. On Saturday there was nothing to do but wait.
Wait for the third day....when the promise was to be fulfilled. No amount of wishing, praying, or pouring over the facts would make Sunday come sooner! All there was to do on Saturday was to wait!
That really made me think about my wait. There are SO many things I feel like I am waiting on! So many promises and dreams that I believe are from God, but circumstances just seem to leave me hopeless so many times.
As I walked through my quiet, peaceful house this evening checking on all the kids one last time before heading to bed, I felt an enormous peace rush over me as I walked down the stairs and had the realization that morning is almost here! Sunday brings the good news that He. Is. Alive.
Sunday brings the fulfillment of the prophesies and the promises...but we can't get to Sunday without Saturday.
So today, I asked God to teach me how to wait well. I don't want to passively wait for the promises and Words God has spoken to me. I don't think God expects us to just coast through life waiting for him to show up like a fairy God-Mother (no-pun intended) and grant our wishes. But I also know that when the Saturday becomes long, I become anxious, doubtful, and even sometimes bitter. So today, I am asking God to show me how to wait expectantly and with full trust in Him!
What are you waiting for? Let's wait well because..... SUNDAY IS COMING!
As I was reading through the crucifixion story this morning, a couple of versus stood out that I have never really noticed. Matthew 27:62 says "now on the next day". That would have been Saturday. Jesus' death and resurrection had been prophesied since there was a need for a Savior. The signs of the Old Testament were being fulfilled. On Friday they witnessed Jesus hung on the cross, humiliated, broken, and beaten. They watched as the mid-day sky turned pitch black, and they felt the ground quake beneath their feet as the earth shook for her King! But on Saturday, it was quiet. They were only left with the memories of yesterday and a dead Savior. Where is the hope in that? Even as they talked among themselves about all Jesus had said at the Last Supper, they had no way of knowing for sure what tomorrow would bring! I am sure they began to even doubt of the darkness was really real! "Did the earth really shake or, was I just a little woosy from standing in the sun all day?" Thomas doubted. I am sure Peter lamented his denial wishing he had a do-over. Circumstances and hard evidence left nothing but despair and mourning. On Saturday there was nothing to do but wait.
Wait for the third day....when the promise was to be fulfilled. No amount of wishing, praying, or pouring over the facts would make Sunday come sooner! All there was to do on Saturday was to wait!
That really made me think about my wait. There are SO many things I feel like I am waiting on! So many promises and dreams that I believe are from God, but circumstances just seem to leave me hopeless so many times.
As I walked through my quiet, peaceful house this evening checking on all the kids one last time before heading to bed, I felt an enormous peace rush over me as I walked down the stairs and had the realization that morning is almost here! Sunday brings the good news that He. Is. Alive.
Sunday brings the fulfillment of the prophesies and the promises...but we can't get to Sunday without Saturday.
So today, I asked God to teach me how to wait well. I don't want to passively wait for the promises and Words God has spoken to me. I don't think God expects us to just coast through life waiting for him to show up like a fairy God-Mother (no-pun intended) and grant our wishes. But I also know that when the Saturday becomes long, I become anxious, doubtful, and even sometimes bitter. So today, I am asking God to show me how to wait expectantly and with full trust in Him!
What are you waiting for? Let's wait well because..... SUNDAY IS COMING!
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Carrying my Cross
I love how personal God is! I love how many chances He gives me! I love that even when I mess up, He takes me right back! There are a couple of really hard things going on with adoptions in Texas right now. I know without a doubt this is a battle God has called me to. I have tried to walk away - you know "the Lord will fight for you, you keep still" {Exodus 14:14}, but He brings it right back to my door step time and time again. I have finally accepted that this is part of my "for such a time as this" and a way to use so much of our personal as well as professional story that is full of heart ache for good!
But if I am honest with myself, while I have agreed this is my cross to bear, I have not carried it well. I have most definitely not counted it all joy when I have faced trials of many kinds. I have not persevered in order to produce proven character and most certainly did not have hope on many days. In fact, many days, I sat staring at a wall begging for a way out. It. is. hard.
As God would have it, we took communion together as a Body the Sunday after one of these particularly hard weeks. As I contemplated the cross, the load I had been asked to carry obviously waned in a big way! I dropped to my seat in sorrow and remorse that I had been such a complainer that week. Yes, I had been obedient, but I had not been a willing vessel. I had gone kicking and screaming...and kicking some more....and screaming some more!
But as I sat there asking God to forgive me for what the enemy was trying to make me feel like was a huge failure, the visual image of the movies we see with a crucifixion scene came to mind. You know the one where they lay the cross on Jesus' back, he takes two steps and falls to the ground from the weight of the cross and the exhaustion/pain of all he had endured previously and the huge wooden cross tumbles to the ground? That is the image that came to mind! Then that still small voice said, "Why are you being so hard on yourself? Even I had to have someone carry my own cross at some point!" You see the gospels of Mark, Luke and Matthew all state that another man had to carry Jesus' cross up the hill.
Wow! If Jesus struggled to carry his literal cross, why would I not think I would struggle at times to carry mine?! And you know what, the Holly Spirit assured me that day in that pew that He is ok with that! He was pleased that I was still waking the hill, dragging the cross. I hadn't laid it down and walked of, and I hadn't stop altogether! As long as I was continuing in my yes, He could and would continue to use my obedience!
What cross are you struggling to carry? Can I encourage you? It's OK to struggle! Just don't quit! Just don't let the enemy wind the mind games he plays! Keep on keeping on...even when you can't do it with "all joy", just do it! Because God can use even our whiny, limping, complaining, barely making it YES!
But if I am honest with myself, while I have agreed this is my cross to bear, I have not carried it well. I have most definitely not counted it all joy when I have faced trials of many kinds. I have not persevered in order to produce proven character and most certainly did not have hope on many days. In fact, many days, I sat staring at a wall begging for a way out. It. is. hard.
As God would have it, we took communion together as a Body the Sunday after one of these particularly hard weeks. As I contemplated the cross, the load I had been asked to carry obviously waned in a big way! I dropped to my seat in sorrow and remorse that I had been such a complainer that week. Yes, I had been obedient, but I had not been a willing vessel. I had gone kicking and screaming...and kicking some more....and screaming some more!
But as I sat there asking God to forgive me for what the enemy was trying to make me feel like was a huge failure, the visual image of the movies we see with a crucifixion scene came to mind. You know the one where they lay the cross on Jesus' back, he takes two steps and falls to the ground from the weight of the cross and the exhaustion/pain of all he had endured previously and the huge wooden cross tumbles to the ground? That is the image that came to mind! Then that still small voice said, "Why are you being so hard on yourself? Even I had to have someone carry my own cross at some point!" You see the gospels of Mark, Luke and Matthew all state that another man had to carry Jesus' cross up the hill.
Wow! If Jesus struggled to carry his literal cross, why would I not think I would struggle at times to carry mine?! And you know what, the Holly Spirit assured me that day in that pew that He is ok with that! He was pleased that I was still waking the hill, dragging the cross. I hadn't laid it down and walked of, and I hadn't stop altogether! As long as I was continuing in my yes, He could and would continue to use my obedience!
What cross are you struggling to carry? Can I encourage you? It's OK to struggle! Just don't quit! Just don't let the enemy wind the mind games he plays! Keep on keeping on...even when you can't do it with "all joy", just do it! Because God can use even our whiny, limping, complaining, barely making it YES!
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
There's Two Sides To War
At the beginning of last year, God woke me up with a message that I needed to be on my knees battling for my children. You can read about that here. As I look back over 2015, I see that was an accurate warning...and I wish I had been more diligent to really war, not just the bed time and morning prayer, but on my knees, in the Spirit warring for my children. As I reflected on that coming into this year, God reminded me that my prayer and worship life will dictate a lot about the rest of my life! So I committed to staying up late, getting up early, whatever it takes to truly war for my family, my ministry, the dreams God has placed inside of me. After about a week of truly warring like I have never done before (inspired also by the movie War Room and making my own War Room in the closet under our stairs....), I felt like all hell had broken lose again and at a whole new level! One night as I cried out in frustration to God, I had a revelation! In my traditional American Christianity way, I expected things to go smoothly because I had stepped it up....stepped up my obedience in some areas that had been lagging, stepped up my prayer life, stepped up...well, you get the picture! I had the "I did my part, now where are you?!" mentality!
But as I cried out that night, God asked me how many wars I knew of where when one side decided to finally take action and go to war, the other side just laid down their weapons and went away? Well, I thought, with the exception of a couple in the Bible where God just intervened in miraculous ways, all other wars I could think of were two way battles! When the one side decided to fire, the other side fired back!
So I decided to get over my tantrum, I mean let's be honest, I was just throwing a 2 year old tantrum because things were hard, I did what I was told, and it didn't work! But God reminded me that night that it is working! He reminded me that the enemy was defeated at the cross! So what I am facing right now is just his distractions. There is not a question of who wins this war, it is simply a question of will I hang on until the enemy has used all his tricks and understands I am not backing down and goes on to someone else who he can distract and lie to?! So instead of getting discouraged and giving up, I stepped up my game! I have found ways to dive into the Word in new and refreshing ways, like Bible journaling, in order to arm myself for the war....because this gal ain't stopping until I stand firm and stable on the Promise Land God has shown me is mine for the taking!
But as I cried out that night, God asked me how many wars I knew of where when one side decided to finally take action and go to war, the other side just laid down their weapons and went away? Well, I thought, with the exception of a couple in the Bible where God just intervened in miraculous ways, all other wars I could think of were two way battles! When the one side decided to fire, the other side fired back!
So I decided to get over my tantrum, I mean let's be honest, I was just throwing a 2 year old tantrum because things were hard, I did what I was told, and it didn't work! But God reminded me that night that it is working! He reminded me that the enemy was defeated at the cross! So what I am facing right now is just his distractions. There is not a question of who wins this war, it is simply a question of will I hang on until the enemy has used all his tricks and understands I am not backing down and goes on to someone else who he can distract and lie to?! So instead of getting discouraged and giving up, I stepped up my game! I have found ways to dive into the Word in new and refreshing ways, like Bible journaling, in order to arm myself for the war....because this gal ain't stopping until I stand firm and stable on the Promise Land God has shown me is mine for the taking!
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Hi, My name is HollyAnn, and I am a visionary....
Hi, my names is HollyAnn, and I am a visionary! So what that really means in my world is that I can dream great big huge dreams, but I have a really difficult time getting from here to there! If you need faith to believe something can happen, then I am your girl! If you need an action plan to get there, well, you're out of luck here.
I LOVE the new year. I love that it is a clean slate, a fresh beginning, a new start to dream big dreams. But in reality, those dreams usually fall flat sometime around January 2. Maybe not quite that soon, but you know what I mean.
We have been in a season of trauma and survival for about the past 5 years. We didn't know that was what we were in while we were in it, but looking back we see that clearly. So the last few months have been spent in lots of introspection. There is need for change in a lot of areas. That makes me even more excited about the new year approaching. But I want it to be different this time. I want the dreams to become reality and not just a pipe dream. So I am doing something different.
While I dream big, I often don't ever even get those dreams narrowed down to a vision (God has brought to mind Proverbs 29:18 many times lately ~ Where there is no vision, the people parish KJV), and rarely if ever get that vision narrowed down to tangible goals, and action steps - well - they just don't usually exist in my life. And that is why most of my new year starts ends rather quickly. But this year I am trying a new thing. If you are like me and have a really hard time taking your great dreams down to action steps, can I recommend a couple of blog posts from heart.love.always that have really rocked my world! I am loving the practical advise she gives and have clear action steps for my 2016 dreams and goals! Feel free to comment with some of your goals and action steps! My first one is losing 80 pounds this year...and there is the public accountability for that goal! Ready to make 2016 the best year ever!!!
Here are the links to her blog posts!
Smart Approach to Goal Setting
The Top 3 Approach to Goal Planning
I LOVE the new year. I love that it is a clean slate, a fresh beginning, a new start to dream big dreams. But in reality, those dreams usually fall flat sometime around January 2. Maybe not quite that soon, but you know what I mean.
We have been in a season of trauma and survival for about the past 5 years. We didn't know that was what we were in while we were in it, but looking back we see that clearly. So the last few months have been spent in lots of introspection. There is need for change in a lot of areas. That makes me even more excited about the new year approaching. But I want it to be different this time. I want the dreams to become reality and not just a pipe dream. So I am doing something different.
While I dream big, I often don't ever even get those dreams narrowed down to a vision (God has brought to mind Proverbs 29:18 many times lately ~ Where there is no vision, the people parish KJV), and rarely if ever get that vision narrowed down to tangible goals, and action steps - well - they just don't usually exist in my life. And that is why most of my new year starts ends rather quickly. But this year I am trying a new thing. If you are like me and have a really hard time taking your great dreams down to action steps, can I recommend a couple of blog posts from heart.love.always that have really rocked my world! I am loving the practical advise she gives and have clear action steps for my 2016 dreams and goals! Feel free to comment with some of your goals and action steps! My first one is losing 80 pounds this year...and there is the public accountability for that goal! Ready to make 2016 the best year ever!!!
Here are the links to her blog posts!
Smart Approach to Goal Setting
The Top 3 Approach to Goal Planning
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