A tormented mind

It is 1:00 am. I am over the jet lag, but no where near over the injustices I witness on so many levels when in Liberia.
Callie came in over an hour ago to tell me Bella was scratching on her door. Bella is outside now, but I can't go back to sleep. My mind will not stop. When Callie came in, she woke me from a dream. The second dream since returning home that keeps me fighting for the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak (Math 26:41).
The dreams: The first one was Tuesday night. I went to bed ready to just "wait". Not using it as an excuse to quit, just not sure where to turn. Wait on a particular issue. In the early morning hours, I had a dream. Amos and I were in a valley, no, really more like a pit in the earth. We were rolling around in a large tube that reminded me of the stuff those inflatable jumpers are made from. We were rolling from village to village gathering children. When we would have the children, we would roll to our headquarters where we would take the children and put them in the ceiling through ceiling tiles. Someone was taking the children from us in the ceiling and making sure they were safe once there. Then we would get in the tube and roll to the next village. On and on it went all the while an army surrounded the top of the pit. They were firing arrows at us. At first the tube kept us hidden. But by the end of the dream, it didn't hide us, it just protected us from the arrows. I woke from that dream and came to my Bible study chair and wrote it all down and pleaded with God for understanding, wisdom and the strength to fight. I went back to sleep knowing that "wait" was not what God intended for this time!

Tonight, the dream is similar. Only this time it is not just children. It is all of Liberia that is uneducated and discriminated against because they have no voice. Proverbs 29:7 is the verse God has given Addy's Hope for this time: "The godly care about the rights of the poor." I started the press conference with this scripture. In my dream, I am begging two officials to hear my plan to bring US teachers to Liberia to train Liberian teachers. I am asking them to help me set up the mentor program. But they are not listening because another program that is full of empty promises is taking them away from me. No matter how much I scream or what I tell them, they will not listen....they keep blowing me off. The dream changes. I am standing in a hall way watching a parade of people dressed in the finest clothes with jewelry dangling from them laughing and shouting how wonderfully successful they have been in gathering gifts for the people of Liberia. They are pulling wagons that have ornately decorated boxes with their video games and fine clothing spilling from them. I am standing on the side line watching in disbelief as I wonder how they think the people of Liberia will benefit from such items! The parade I am watching is made up of people from my old church.
Since returning from Liberia, the battle of flesh and spirit with in myself is so strong! "It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing; the words that I have spoken to you are spirit and are life." I see a country where corrupt officials, greed, fear of being displaced keeps a people group down. I hear words that would appear to mean that the Ministry in charge of the welfare of the children of Liberia would prefer death to adoption! That makes me want to stand up and fight, to give life!
But then I return home. I see the four children who call me mommy on a daily basis. I desire to be all I need to be for them. I fear they are not getting all they need from me because they share me with 19 families and 57 little Liberian children. I see a house that is a wreck because I don't have time to keep it the way my husband desires. He has been so patient these past few months, but I know he and my children are my first ministry. So as I see this, I want to quit again. I want to put all of Liberia out of my mind and be American through and through. I want to get lost in all the traditions and hype of Christmas...still focusing on Christ, but getting totally lost in the "feelings" of Christmas. I want to adopt that baby that God has placed on my heart, yet with the demands of an agency, I can't imagine adding a baby right now. Add midnight feedings to my already sleepless nights and no drugs made will be enough to keep me functioning during the day to answer parents' phone calls and e-mails! But if I quit the fight, if I waived my red flag, I could spend my days rocking a baby, reading books to Ava, playing football with Toben, riding bikes with Noah, cooking with Callie and snuggling with my husband. I could be the stay home mom that I know God called me to be in my first years of mothering. I still believe strongly in being a stay at home mom! That is why my children will not go to daycare even though this has turned into a 40 hour + a week job!
Then there is the financial struggle. More and more I hear the voice in my head saying, "Well, if you are going to be working full time anyway, you might as well go back to teaching. Just think of what you could do with all the money you would make from teaching! Your debt could be paid off in less than a year!" Yes, that is the voice of the enemy. But it is so tempting! Worldy? YES! Flesh? YES! But remember, the Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak!
But to do all that would mean I forget Moses, the community leader who nearly jumped up and down with excitement that a school was going up in his community. It would mean forgetting one of our Nannies that came to us. There was a man paying her son's tuition, but because another "Pastor" told him to stop, he did. So now her son can't go to school. Do you know how much his tuition is? $35 US! I paid more than that for stamps for Christmas cards yesterday! On judgement day which will be straw and which will stand the fire? It won't be the Christmas cards! Done! John in Liberia will go to school! John and I will see to that! But he is just one of thousands upon thousands!
The two week old baby that was brought to the Ministry of Health right before we met with the deputy minister...turned away without assistance! Yet we can't find a home for her because they want to tie our hands! Really?! Adoption is worse than starvation? How can that be?
I attended one of the adoption awareness meetings that the President's Committee on Adoption sponsored while I was there. It was a joke! It was not an awareness meeting, it was an adoption bashing opportunity! The presenter said the Liberian government is not against adoption, but then proceeded to tell only the negative sides of adoption. When she was finished spewing her venom, she said, "Now I will take three and only three questions from the audience." What? I thought this was an informational meeting! I guess it was really just a platform for her to give her personal opinion on adoption. All the while the adoption service provider's rep sitting on that committee sat there and said nothing! A lot of good he is doing! (He is NOT form our agency by the way!) Even the people around me (Liberians...I was the only white person in the place except for the presenters' personal assistant that was with her!) said, "Adoption is a crucial issue, this should not be rushed!" All the comments from the audience were positive! Yet, I would bet my life that if a report is given to President Sirleaf on that meeting, it would be told the community where it was held is against adoption. President Sirleaf has labeled corruption as "Public Enemy Number One". When you see a public enemy, arne't you supposed to report it?! But who do I report the sighting to? No one seems to listen. I have a letter from the President's office dated Feb 8, 2008 stating that she will personally see that Minister Gwenigale and his ministry work with us according to Liberian law. Almost a year later that has not happened. So if you can't report even to the highest power, what hope is there for ending corruption?
And remember, this is the government that we, the US tax payers, are sending MILLIONS of dollars! For real?! Give me a million dollars and lets see what Liberia looks like when I get done! It may not have fancy government buildings, but I bet every county would have a school with trained teachers and curriculum that will make learning in a structured progression! That is what will change Liberia for tomorrow: EDUCATION! Then these officials cannot run over people because of fear and ignorance!
So what can I do? Well, I am not sure. That is what has been rolling around in my head for the past hour. A letter to the Mansion has been composed but not sent. Contacts are in the works with my local representative to find out who is handling the money for the Liberian SEED bill (maybe law by now, not sure). And I can ask you who are reading this to join the fight. Contact your congressman and ask the same thing. Require accountability for this kind of money being sent over seas. In a time where they say we are in a recession, wouldn't money like this be better off in our own land if it is only going to pad the pockets of officials in the foreign country? You will find no one with a bigger heart for the people of Liberia, but the PEOPLE of Liberia are not getting this money!
It became a big joke as we drove around. I was traveling in a 1980 something blue hatchback car with no ac and a window crank that fell off many times in my hand....and riding in it proudly, I might add! We would pull up beside US AID cars, brand spanking new SUV's with tinted windows and AC. US AID is the number one distributor of the money the US govn't is sending over there. Even one the other adoption agencies had the same issue. When on one of the compounds, I counted SEVEN new cars! All SUVS and trucks, except for the Mercedes sitting there! But we drove proudly on to that compound in Ol' Blue! If you ever see an Addy's Hope car that is new, it will have a big "donated by" sign on it! My Liberia staff knows money like that will not be spent on cars...it will go to more beds or a refrigerator or bigger generator...something that will serve the CHILDREN!
Yet, we are the agency being discriminated against. I would venture to say we have processed the least amount of adoptions but done the largest amount of humanitarian work percentage wise. I am not tooting my horn, that is just what God has called us to do....however, it is frustrating when we are not then allowed to help more! We have offered to care for unadoptable children that the Ministry needs to place temporarily. We just want to help!
We spoke with another official at the Ministry of Health who understands! She sees children and mothers constantly that need help. She understands that the government does not have the resources to help, and until they do, adoption is one option to keep the children alive and educated..basic human rights! She shared story after story, even showing us pictures of some success stories thanks to donations of formula by some NGO's. So before I left, I took her a box of formula. Babies should at the very least have food! Mothers who have no milk and no friend who have milk have no options. Formula there is $10 US for a can that would last about two days for a new born. Remember, the average Liberian salary is $150 a year! You do the math!
After the very discouraging adoption "awareness" meeting, Amos, Pastor Paul and I went to eat and debrief. We were all fired up....after I had a good cry! Amos hates it when I cry, so I try to keep to a minimum.....I hate it when I cry too, but sometimes I just can't help it! Anyway, we were talking about the concept of adoption. I have to confess that on this trip, I really struggled with it. Are we doing the right thing? Should we just be fund raising and trying to keep children in families? There is an awesome organization doing that right now in Liberia and they are making an impact with orphanages and are working closely with the Ministry of Health. Praise God! It is Orphan Rescue and Relief (I think that is the right name, I will look it up and put their link somewhere later). But God through many people showed me how adoption is our calling...not all of our calling, but part of it. For whatever reason, He needs some children to be adopted. Is that the total answer, NO! But it is one of the many answers. As we talked about it, I brought up that adoption is God's design. For whatever reason, he has created adoption. He adopts us. There are many stories in the Bible of children who are adopted...I mentioned Moses. Then Amos made a profound statement! He said, "Yes! And Moses redeemed his people!" Wow! I wrote it down! 'Moses, the adopted son and by God's design , redeemed the people of his birth!' That is what I fully believe many of the children adopted by Addy's Hope will do! They will return to Liberia or they will send their resources there in order to redeem Liberia and the suppressed people of that country! Pastor Paul says he is going to have a billboard made with that quote on it to promote adoption! Go Pastor Paul!
Thank you for listening. Hopefully, now that it is off my chest, I can go to sleep!