One month from today!

Paizley is due one month from today!  I can't believe how fast time is going.  We finished our last birthing class last night.  I have to admit as much as I dreaded the classes, they are when I get the most excited about  the baby coming.  I am still extremely reserved as things are still not great in that situation, but after a couple of good days, I at least allow myself to think about the "what ifs" of her living with us.

And then the panic sets in!  That has been the hardest part of this entire ordeal  As John and I talk about the potential outcomes, we always come back to the fact that there is just not a "good" outcome that we can look at and say, yes!  We want that!  Obviously the best and the one we pray is that Paizley is able to find the healing and strength it will take to be the mother to this precious life!  That is always the goal we are working toward.  But even that has so many struggles and demands for me (and her) that I find myself shying away from that outcome also.  As I have said many times, this journey is just hard! Paizley and I have both talked about how we wish things had been different, but there is no turning back time.  Oh how I wish young people (some older people too) but particularly young people would understand the implications - life long consequences - of decisions that seem harmless...like who you hang out with in class or believing the adults in your life who send up warnings about people you are dating or friends you are keeping.  Add to that the complexities of Paizley and us all trying to still get to know each other and learn how to live as a family....like I said, its just hard!

I thought by now I would be ready to embrace the role of grandmother.  I am not.  I have prayed through this.  I don't know the total block I have with accepting that role, but it is there!  I know part of it is fear!  Fear of not being a good Mimi.  I feel like I am just now figuring out how to be a mother, I don't want to take on the role of grandmother yet.  I am not ready.  But God's Word assures me that perfect love casts out all fear.  I am submitting my emotions to that truth and asking God to prepare my heart and mind to be the best Mimi I can possibly be to that little girl.  It is also hard because John and I still have such a responsibility for that child.  We are not her parents, but because of the situation as it is right now, we have the role of parent to her in many ways - yet we are not her parents and really can't view her as our daughter or all kinds of relationships in our home will be messed up!  I truly can't even get my mind around what that role looks like in our situation!  But that would be worrying about tomorrow, and today definitely has enough trouble of its own...so I will just make it through today!

And part of  today is that the we received a call at Addy's Hope from what is our first potential birth mother!  The responsibility of walking another woman through this most difficult time and heart wrenching decision is heavy on my heart this morning!  Then add the legal responsibilities to make sure I have all the forms, give her all the information, etc.  I would become totally overwhelmed and throw my hands up except that I remember agencies do this all the time!  And if they can do it, with God's help, I can do it!  And then I thank God that He keeps me reliant on Him by putting me in absolutely impossible for me situations!  I have come to learn to love the place in life where I can't possibly make it without constant communication and second by second dependence on the One with all the answers. It's a good place to be, really!