Buckner Devotion

May is Foster Month and Buckner evidently send out a daily devotion via e-mail. One of the local Buckner workers asked me if I would write a devotion for it. Little intimidating, but thought surly with all my blogging and crazy experiences, I could come up with a devotion...so this is the result! :)

“Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win.” I Corinthians 9: 24

I am not a runner and have never run a race. But I recently watched our 15 year old run in her first track meet. She did not win first prize, but we could not have been prouder of her! She ran in such a way to win. She quit track the first day. It was too hard. John and I sat her down and explained that we would not allow her to quit. She had started and made a commitment to a team, and we expected her to fulfill that commitment. As I watched her cross the finish line, I knew she had just learned a valuable life lesson, and she taught me something also.

We have been involved in adoption and fostering for 10 years. Those years have brought us to places and battles we never expected. The race has been hard, in fact at times, excruciating! The sacrifices we have made to have a large family and to take in children from hard places has made the race a little longer and more tiring than I expected when we started. But as I watched my newest daughter cross the finish line, I knew that I have to do what I am asking of her. I must run this race God has called me to without quitting. Yes we could have more “things” if we did not have so many children, and I would have more time for those little pleasures I miss at times, but I must keep my eye on the prize of the race God has called me to run. The thing that makes that so hard is the prize in this race is of eternal perspective. It is the prize of raising children who had a rough start but are now pursuing the heart of God and know what it is to be loved not only by a Heavenly Father, but by an earthly mother and father as well. So in those moments when their past seems to overwhelm us and their words seem to cut to the core of our heart, we must choose to focus on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, and continue to run this race without quitting! As I watched my daughter run across the finish line, I was encouraged as I believe God sees me just like I saw her. I don’t always parent as I should – I say the wrong thing, I do the wrong thing, I break a promise or wound an already wounded heart - but as long as I keep running and don’t quit, He is just as proud of me as I was of her!

The Journey: SCORE!!!!

So one of the things that has been so tough with this journey for me with Paizley is that no matter what I do, it's not enough. I'm still the wicked step-mother type character. Well, yesterday I scored! We went to Lubbock to her track meet, so I had pictures from the meet. I bought a scrapbook (my first two kids have amazing scrapbooks, Toben has a few pages, Ava has a few pages, Baby Girl has a scrapbook and some pictures and...well, you get the idea!) for Paizley and put the track pictures in it. I put the scripture from 1 Corinthians about running the race as the one to gain the prize and journaled about how proud we were of her that she finished the race! Even though she didn't get first prize in the actual race, in our hearts she won first because she didn't quit! She worked hard, pressed through the tough spots and finished! Track is the first thing she can ever remember finishing when it got hard instead of quitting and running! So it was a way for me to tell her things I have a hard time expressing right now because of my own hurt and rejection in the relationship. I put it on her bed so she would find it when she got home. She came out with a huge grin on her face and gave me a big hug and told me thank you! She has never had an album before and was excited to have one of her very own.

Yes! Finally! I found at least one word in her love language! I'll take it!!!! And I'll be doing a litte more in her book today! :)

Relating to Thomas

"But Thomas, one of the twelve, called Didymus, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples were saying to him, "We have seen the Lord!" But he said to them, "Unless I see in His hands the imprint of the nails, and put my finger into the place of the nails, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe." After eight days His disciples were again inside, and Thomas with them. Jesus came, the doors having been shut, and stood in their midst and said, "Peace be with you." Then He said to Thomas, "Reach here with your finger, and see My hands; and reach here your hand and put it into My side; and do not be unbelieving, but believing." Thomas answered and said to Him, "My Lord and my God!" ~ John 20

I have never really faulted Thomas for doubting! I guess because I have always related to him just a tad bit, but in this season of my life, I would almost call him my hero!

We had an amazing message on Thomas and his doubts yesterday. The message was geared toward unbelievers doubting for salvation, but it was very applicable to me in my season of winter. I don't doubt God for my salvation. I don't even doubt God in His abilities or power. I do doubt God's love for me and the fulfillment of any good or blessing in my life as I've tried to walk a life of faith and not sight.

I have written some about it here, but not extensively. Probably won't because it is just too raw...even for a totally transparent girl like myself! I don't need the words of my many critics to fan the flames the enemy already has burning in me.

I know the Word of God! There is not much anyone can say to me in my state of doubt that I haven't said to myself or written on a note card at sometime over the past few years to help combat my doubt and ever creeping despair at walking a life of faith. I can listen to myself describe my doubts and be disgusted with them! I can hear how immature it sounds. I can hear how unBiblical they sound! But ignoring the doubts exist is getting me no where! And that is where God used the sermon yesterday to speak to me!

One of the questions in our small group discussion about the sermon was, "Are you a glass half-full or half-empty person?" I used to be the former, but am now the latter. AND. I. HATE. IT.

I miss my faith filled, positive, life-loving self. I don't know when this ugly version of her moved in, but I'm ready to evict her! I've tried several times over the past couple of years, but circumstances and hard life realities have moved her right back in.

God has been revealing to me over the past weeks just how wounded my heart is. When I really began a personal relationship with Jesus, He asked us to do some pretty crazy things by faith. I loved it! I was all in! But all but one of those things have ended with deep wounds and not-so-happy endings. I know in my heart somewhere that the ending is not the outcome, it is the obedience that is the outcome. But the wounds left by the less than desirable outcomes are making it very difficult for me to move forward in faith.

My work in Liberia is one of the deepest wounds. I thought I had put it behind me and was ready to move forward with whatever God has for me and Addy's Hope in the way of children, whether here or in Africa, but lately I am seeing where the wounds from that entire time are paralyzing me. I celebrate the children that God allowed to come home, but the ones left behind, the dreams I had to abandon...those linger. The wounding words of fellow Christians who had no idea what we were dealing with or how my heart longed to give them the answers they wanted still linger in my heart. I didn't do everything right. There are things in hindsight I wish I had done differently, but there are also many things that I know without a doubt God gave me explicit instructions to do that many didn't understand and still criticize and ostracize me because of them. It's a staff I called family that in the end I couldn't count on. It's hard to literally give your life for a cause that ended in so many crucifying you. Yet I know Jesus knows exactly how that feels times 1,000!

I would hope that knowledge would draw me closer to him, but for some reason (I'm sure it is my immaturity and spoiled outlook of things)it has put me in a place of doubting walking by faith. Living life with seven and a half people, many of whom are deeply wounded souls, who depend on me daily for so many needs leaves me wondering how I will make it through even one more day. It has put me in a place of doubting giving up worldly comforts for a life of sold out to God living. I don't like this place!

That is why this morning I sat with God and read again through the story of Thomas. So many things God has said have not come to pass...did I miss what He said or has the time just not come yet for them to be fulfilled? Either way, it leaves me longing for a fresh touch from God. A real, tangible, meaningful-to-me reminder that God cares and is worth my life...ALL of it! So why is Thomas my hero? Because he needed that too! He says in John 20 that he will not believe until he touches! So what does Jesus do? He comes back....just for him!! He repeats word for word what Thomas said to his friends that he needed in order to believe! Jesus provided it! The proof Thomas needed...and then instructed him to stop his disbelief!

I know Jesus is calling me to stop my disbelief also. He can't fully use me as long as my disbelief lingers. But this morning, I felt strongly that God gave me a few things I could ask for as my "proof"....just like Thomas did! I'm not a "name it and claim it" type believer. God can do what He wants when He wants. I believe in prayer and I believe in asking God for the desires of my heart, but to state something as fact then expect God to bow to my whim, that is not what I see in scripture. But I do believe God wants to be personal to us just like Jesus was to Thomas! So I have asked for some proof. And I am moving ahead believing the proof is coming and anticipating the answers with great excitement.

I'm ready to be back on the glass half-full team! I'm ready to leave doubt and disbelief behind me....for good! Not just an emotional high that takes me right back to the pit when it's over. I know God will provide a personal and lasting encounter! He will meet me right where I am and provide a personal, meaningful encounter with Him that will help me overcome these doubts and disbelief! He did it for Thomas! And I'm believing for Him to do it for me!

To be continued.....

The Journey: "Mark it on the calendar!"

I shared in my last post about the struggle our latest adoption has been. Well, this weekend provided no relief, in fact it was pretty bad. To the point she said she wanted to call off the adoption. It was all drama, when we sat and talked she didn't really want to call it off, but hearing those words after all we are doing to try and reach her and love on her broke my heart and made me want to give up. But just like we told her, giving up isn't an option!

But even in the midst of the emotions of the weekend, God gave me a moment to cling to in hope! We were looking at the calendar as we turned a new month to see what all was on tap for this week and those coming. Paizley was in the kitchen where the family calendar is and she says, "Mom! Mark mother's day on the calendar! I haven't gotten to celebrate that in years because I have been in shelters the past few mother's days." That will bring tears even to a wounded momma's heart!

Makes me stop and remember what I am dealing with! I am not just dealing with a 15 year old, I am dealing with a 15 year old who has been deaply wounded. I am dealing with a 15 year old who has been tossed about time after time, discarded, rejected, the list goes on and on. I am also dealing with spiritual issues that I can't even begin to understand or explain!

As we start a new week, I am determined to focus on that one moment and put the other 100 behind me from this weekend! There is a little girl in there who wants a mother to love her and celebrate life with her! I just have to be diligent and patient to lovingly dig through the layers to connect with her!

God reminded me hour by hour how you love me and how you love her! Teach me to love her like you do! Show me how to love beyond my own hurts and forgive her as you forgive me. Show me how to model all these for her so that she too can be whole!

The Journey: The Date is Set

We have a date! Callie discovered Princess M on TARE the first of October. She came to live with us November 23, and on May 19, 2011, she will officially become Paizley Ruth Petree - in case you are follwing, YES, that is a new name! :) Naming a 15 year old has its challenges! She got tired of Isabella, so this is it! It is officially on the court papers!

Haven't blogged much about his journey lately. Haven't felt like I have much good to say, so I've done what my momma taught me and just kept quiet! It's hard! Much harder than I even thought. Harder for her, harder for me, harder for our family than what I anticipated! Just like the birth of your first child, no amount of reading, talking to people or research can really prepare you for taking in a teen that comes from a wounded past.

But one thing remains the same..I know God called us to her and her to us! I don't doubt that at all! It is what keeps me going on the good days and causes me to shake my finger at Him on the bad days. I morn my life before November 23 on many days. Things were so much simpler. I'm not sharing anything that Paizley and her dad and I haven't discussed together. There are many times she morns her life before us also. It was easier before someone had expectatons and cared she says. I can understand that on some level.

But as I tell her and we tell ourselves, God didn't call us to the easy life, He called us to the Holy and righteous life! He is refining all of us through this! I trust Him (most days) to bring beauty from these ashes....I trust on faith because sight truly just sees lots of ashes most days....and not just hers, but mine! Bringing her home has been the most fault magnifying thing I have ever done! But as a worship song says that we sing often at our church, I will beleive by faith I am who He says I am, and I will continue to try each day to learn how to be a mother to this life that God has entrusted to us!

And on May 19, it will be legal and official! Will be glad to have that day behind us and praying the impact of what it means will rock her to her core as someone has finally done what they said they would do!

For Inspiration...

If you want to be inspired, read my friends' new blog! Melody is taking a journey to correct what her mother didn't correct as a child, but she is doing what I pray my children from hurtful pasts will do...she is allowing God to transform her and provide her worth and beauty instead of being defined by her past! Visit Lovely in His Sight if you need some inspiration.

If not me than who?

The thing I tell people about adopting period, but especially through the foster system is that you have to be prepared for anything. We learned in Noah's adoption that God is sovereign. What we "think" we can handle really doesn't matter to Him. He KNOWS what we can handle and He picks our children accordingly! I have learned to trust that. The way we operate is not what can we handle, what illness/handicap/label will we take or what behavior can we deal with. This is not a normal way to look at it...and even as an agency director, I can say would make me nervous for someone I didn't know well enough to know their faith walk to tell me is the way they decide if a child will fit in their family or not! We simply ask God if this is our child. It is how we have done it with every child that has come into our home any way but birth. We don't make a list of pros and cons. We don't ask if we can "deal with" the list of baggage the child comes with. Frankly, if we did, that answer would always be NO!

So in some ways we go into our adoptions with eyes wide open but with blinders on, if that makes sense. We don't deny what we are taking on, but at the same time, we trust God to provide what we need to parent any child He brings to us. Is it scary at times, absolutely! Does my trust waiver at times, more than I wish it did!

The most recent incident of putting this trust into play came with Baby Girl. We had become increasingly concerned because she was not talking. Not just she only had a few words, but NO words. At 12 months, she was using no verbal communication and no affection what so ever. She has no sense of stranger danger and would go to anyone, in fact, many times would go to someone else over me. So we started the battery of tests. Of course, attachment is one of the first things you start thinking when in the adoption realm as this is a "biggie" of buzz words. There were some signs of that. But would that make her non-verbal? Possibly. But are we dealing with more? The appointments began....

I won't go into full detail as this is a public place and never want to expose more of my children than they would want with specifics unless feel directed by God to do so. If you are struggling with some of the same issues and want to chat about your situation, I will be happy to visit with you privately! Just leave me a comment with your e-mail address or way to get in touch with you! Or you can always e-mail me.

I love our pediatrician! He is a very talented doctor who will leave no stone unturned. However, he is not a believer! There are tons of us praying for his salvation, so I believe he will be before God is done with him, but right now, he is not. He usually just shakes his head at me! He doesn't really get what we "do". He thinks its noble, but really doesn't understand why we do it. If I had a dollar for every time he has said, "You have your hands full.", I would be as wealthy as he is!

I wasn't able to go in for the consult with him about Baby Girl, so John handled it this time. I was at another doctor appointment! One of the not-so-fun things of being mom to 6 (almost 7), lost of doctor visits!!! Our pediatricians assessment of Baby Girl carried a diagnosis that I had wondered about since the first day I saw her, but had put to the back of my mind. It is the number one scariest thing for me personally if I were to give you my biggest fear for any of my adopted children. It has the most life-long implications - outside of the more severe handicaps and serious special needs of course. When we first heard the diagnosis (came from a counselor first a few weeks before the pedi), I lost it! I cried every time I tried to talk about it. I was angry! Angry at those in her life who had caused it, angry at God for not protecting her, angry at the system for not doing more for children sooner. Just angry! My Baby Girl was going to have to overcome a disability because of the sins of others. That made me mad! Than anger becomes hurt and fear finds its place as you play through the "what if" scenarios of the next lifetime with this child.

But this wasn't my first rodeo as we say in Texas! When we got all the backlash when we told everyone about adopting Noah and the background of his birth-mom, I had the same thoughts and fears. But the thing that I kept thinking was, "If not me, then who?" There is a child here. This is not a concept. This is not an idea. This is not a what-if. This is a flesh and blood, needing a home, needing a mother child! If I am not his or her mother, then who will be?

Our counselor is a personal friend, and she knows us well enough to not go into the "what this means" with us. She knows that Baby Girl is ours. PERIOD. It doesn't matter if she grew horns and a third arm. She is ours. That is settled. Our pediatrician on the other hand, well, he still just doesn't get it! So when John went to talk to him, he of course had to voice his concerns about life-long implications. The "you really need to consider this before you adopt her" speech.

I guess it took me back as we don't encounter that much anymore since those closest to us know our resolve when it comes to the children God has laid on our hearts as "ours". They may think the same thing as the doctor, and they may think we are crazy, but they don't usually voice it!

Even as John was telling me what he said, I looked into the dark brown eyes right below that curly black hair, and I knew it didn't matter! I am her mother. God blessed me with this precious life. This new news may mean more heart ache. It may mean more trying times. But I am her mother. I am not, then who will be? The thing is, its not just my Baby Girl struggling with this. There are thousands of children in our country right now who sit in foster systems because there is "then who?" for them! I will not add another one to the list because of fears of the enemy! You see, God can overcome ANY diagnosis! I love Dr. Karyn Purvis' view: the only label I will give a child is sinner! As I tell my doctor all the time, you can diagnose them as whatever you think, but if you tell them, I'll kill ya! We haven't done "labels" up to this point and we are not going to start now! Labels do not allow for the healing power of Jesus Christ! Labels do not allow for overcoming and meeting higher expectations.

Do we "consider" it before we complete the adoption. Yes. We consider it a privilege to be trust by God to raise up this Warrior Princess for His kingdom! We consider it a privilege to be entrusted with this fearfully and wonderfully made child who is created in the image of God! And we trust Him to handle all that will come with it!

Rejection

Rejection. Something I really never have thought a lot about...until the past couple of months. I have had rejection in my life. Mainly at the hand of friends in my pre-teen and teen years. It was hurtful at the time, and in that moment may have felt like the end of the world. But it was not the deep rejection that I have found myself wrestling with over the past little bit. In dealing with adopted children over the past 9 years, I have come to learn a very important lesson: they do not come into your home appreciating all you have rescued them from! That may sound like a "duh" statement, but really, I have seen so many parents who bring children home - especially older children - expecting them to be grateful on some level for what they are doing for them. I knew not to expect gratitude. But in the day to day life of living out parenting a new-teen that has a history of major rejection and pain, I find myself falling into this thought pattern! Why do you not appreciate what you have knowing what you came from? Why do you not love us for what we are giving you? Why do you not just lap up my love instead of fighting against it? As God always does, He is using the parenting of my newest daughter to teach me more about Him and refine me! As I parent her and love her in my flesh, God is revealing a LOT of FLESH that is in me! I don't like it! Parenting my newest daughter has brought out rejection in my own life. It has brought to light a signifcant relationship that I have hit a road block in because of the rejection it has brought. In some ways I am thankful because it is giving me a glimpse of what my daughter is having to go through. It is showing me some of the pain and fear that she is having to overcome to love me. The same fear I have of letting this person into my heart and trusting this person to not break my heart is the same fear and pain she feels as she struggles to allow herself to love me and accept my love. This really came to light this morning as I sought out guidance in the area of rejection. One of my favorite tools for fighting spiritual battles in my life is Beth Moore's Praying God's Word. I've used it alot lately! Concerning rejection, she says, "Rejection in and of itself is not a stronghold. Our reaction to rejection determines whether we become bound by it...How do you overcome rejection? By applying large doses of God's love to your wounded heart daily and by allowing Him to renew your mind until the rejected thinks like the accepted." So that's what I am doing! As I prayed through the scripture prayers Beth has in this section, a certain scripture pierced my heart. Isaiah 49: 15 says, "Can a woman foget her nursing cihld and have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may foget, but I will not forget you." It hit me two ways. First, I have children who I birthed and nursed. That is a bond that is like none other! No wonder God uses it to speak to His people! Yet there are women in this world because we live in a fallen world who because of their own hurts or circumstances do not have that bond! I am parenting some of those children. It creates a spiritual and emotional void, a pain like no other. While I have four children who might fall into this category, my oldest experienced it on a level the others did not for a time frame they did not. The wound is deep. The rejection real. The pain almost unbearable. Her mother forgot her. She forgot her long before she was removed from her. "Forgot" in the sense of not caring for, not loving, not nurturing, not making feel like the precious gift of God she is! Rejected. Fast forward 15 years. Now this new woman wears the title "mother". Guess what?! It's not a warm fuzzy title for this wounded child! It is a name associated with pain, hurt, despair, failure: REJECTION. Over the past few weeks, it has become evident that the feelings of my daughter for her birth mother are being projected onto me in a huge way! It hurts! I wish I could say I have responded with love and grace and mercy. Sometimes I have, but most of the time, I have recoiled. I have not lashed out, but I have withdrawn. Why? Well, because I am dealing with my own feelings of rejection in another relationship in my life. Her rejection hurts. I don't want to hurt. So my defense mechanism goes into play...withdraw. Oh what a mess! The enemy says I wasn't stable enough to adopt this precious one. The enemy says I should have gotten my act together first. The enemy says I made a mistake. The enemy says give her back. But God says, I want to use her rejection to bring yours to light and your rejection to heal hers! How do I figure that? Because Psalm 118 tells me that the stone the builders rejected became the chief corner stone! What the enemy means for evil, God will not only use for good, but will build a whole new life, a whole new work of God on it! Just like He did Jesus! In fact, this verse from Psalm 118 is repeated 7 (the perfect number!) in the New Testament as reference to Jesus and in Ephesians 2:20, it spells it out for us in case we have missed the inference: "Christ Jesus Himself being the corner stone." Does this diminish my pain of the rejection in my significant relationship? No. Does it diminish the pain of the rejection of my precious daughter by her first mother? No. But what it does is give hope! It tells the enemy to SHUT UP! It tells me and my precious daughter that there is healing. BUT (and here is where so many adoptive parents get stuck) it does mean I have to keep my focus on Christ! I have to walk through this! I have to deal with MY issue of rejection in order to help walk her through hers. If I don't choose to do that, then the rejection I feel from my daughter will continue to make me recoil. It will continue to make me withdraw never allowing me to be the picture of Christ and His reconciliation for my daughter that He offers her and me! I am called to be light in darkness....and for now that means right here in my own home! I am called to tell the next generation of His goodness...and that starts with my children! God did not place this child of His in my home to put a roof over her head and food in her tummy...she had that where she was! He brought her here to teach her of His love and His goodness. He brought her here to teach her of His ways so that she will be ready for the good works He has prepared in advance for her to do. He brought her here because He needs us to train her up in the way she should go....unfortunatly for her and us, we are in serious boot camp since we got a late start! But God will redeem that! He promises He will! So what now? Great revelation, but what does it mean for day to day life and getting to the other side of rejection? For me, it means acknowleding my feelings of rejection instead of stuffing them down and pretending they don't exist. Then taking those feelings and applying Romans 8 - I am an heir of God and fellow heir with Christ! Romans goes on to say that I suffer with Him (He suffered the ultimate rejection on every level!) so that I may also be glorified with Him. And even more exciting, Paul goes on to say that the sufferings of my today are not worthy to be compared to the glory that is to be revealed to us! If I will get a kingdom perspective instead of getting bogged down in feelings, emotions, circumstances, then I will push through this, learn even more about the character of God and in the mean time walk my daughter through her rejection and hopefully teach her something more about the character of God as well! Even as I write it, the battle in my mind rages. Choosing the kingdom perspective means letting go of my "right" to my pain that has been caused me by another. I don't want to do that. Period. But if I am going to call myself a Chrsitian and walk this path God has laid out for me, I must. Just like Christ laid down all His rights to go to the cross for me, I must now lay down my rights and walk the kingdom road for Him! The practicality of that is going to mean a daily if not hourly battle of putting on my armor. I have started writing scriptures that speak to me about God's love for me, my position in Him, my abilities in Him on index cards. I will have to keep those with me. I will have to be disciplined to pull them out when the rejection creeps back in. I will have to read them and let the balm of God's word heal my wounds as I walk this path. I am just in a season where I literally rely on God and His word for every breath that I take! The pain of this relationship threatans to overtake me just about every hour of every day. The enemy would love nothing more! But I can't let that happen! My prayer is that God returns to me the joy of my salvation and renews a steadfast spirit with in me! I have been a boat on a wave tossed back and forth for the past few weeks, maybe even months. I am looking to the one who spoke and the waves stopped to calm my sea and set my boat on His course - making me steadfast! And I am having to trust that not only is He able, but that He will! I was there once! I know the feeling of "walking on water" in the sense of seeing the circumstances around me but believing God and walking by faith instead of what I see around me. I lost that somewhere. I'm ready to get it back! My children require that I get it back! My life requires that I get it back! Here we go! One breath at a time...breathing in and breathing out...

Unbelief is Paralyzing

The funk I've been in can be boiled down to one word - "unbelief". I can relate to Beth Moore in Praying God's Word when she answers the Lord's command to believe with, "Of course I believe in you. I've believed in You all my life." And I can relate to the Lord's response to her just as much, "I didn't ask you to believe in me, I asked you to believe me." I don't remember a time when I didn't believe in God! However, believing Him, believing He can and will do what He says He will do, well, that's something I've struggled with my entire adult life. I have made great strides in my belief, and even thought I had come to a place of utter belief of God: Who He is, What He is, What He can do! But I can once again relate to Beth when she says, "I have a feeling this is one theme I probably will run into again and again in the course of my journey. Why? because without faith it is impossible to please Him...you and I will be challenged to believe Him from one season to the next, all of our days. And if we have even half a heart for God, He's likely to shake our perimeters and stir up a little excitement." I say it all the time...our home is a lot of things, but boring is definitely NOT one of them! And God is doing it again! Stirring us up...I'm finding that He lets us sit less and less in the place we are in as He challenges us to grow in Him.

In fact, I haven't even overcome my last unbelief...not in God, but in myself. For the next step of faith God is calling us to, He is asking me to believe I can do much what I had to believe I could do to bring Isabella into our home. I overcame that unbelief and welcomed her. But we are definitely still walking out that belief in a day to day basis...and frankly, most days I feel much more like a failure than a success! So as I contemplate this next step of faith while still wrestling with fleshing out the last one, I once again hear my thoughts ringing in Beth Moore's words:

"The enemy taunts us with whispers like, 'You'll never be free. You've tried a hundred times. You go back every time. You're hopeless. You're weak. You're a failure. You don't have what it takes.'...You do have what it takes. You have Jesus - the Way, the Truth and the Life. But you can't just believe in him to be free from your stronghold. You must believe Him. Believe He can do what He says He can do. Believe you can do what He says you can do. Believe He is who He says He is. And believe you are who He says you are."

There it is. The crust of my funk - I don't believe...I believe He is who He says He is. I believe He can do what ever He wants! I struggle with believing He will do what He says He will do and I just flat have lots of unbelief in the area of believing I can do what He says I can do!

But once again, my God whom I love dearly and is so personal, met me right here...in my unbelief! Beth's words have ministered to my soul. They have encouraged and inspired me through the Holy Spirit! I sat and spoke out loud the areas I am struggling in personally. The areas I feel like a failure. The areas that I don't believe I can do because of my human limitations. I sat and spoke out loud, "I believe I can _______" and filled in the blank with all the things the enemy has told me I can't do over the past few weeks. It's amazing the perspective change that gives me! I see my children as blessings and not burdens. I see tasks before me as adventures not challenges. I am amazed at just how much differently life looks with my focus on Jesus, His ways, His power, His strength; and not on me or the world!

I am refueled and ready today! I am able! Whatever comes my way today, I am able! I'm ready for a great start to a great week! I will not just survive this week, I will LIVE it!

Faith is Radical

As we work to continue to mold our world with that of our sweet Isabella, I realize just how radical our faith is. Even for Callie, I realize how much the world has already influenced her thoughts and ideas of standards for living. Mainly we are dealing with clothing and appropriate attire right now. Don't have an issue with Callie's dress yet, but as we talk about the why's and the boundaries that will be in place, the arguments that come out of both of their mouths break my heart!

But I am finding that God is just using that to reveal to me how radical faith of any kind is these days. And also to show me how much I am influenced by the thoughts and patterns of the world. John and I have a major decision to make in the weeks coming up. It is a radical decision. The answer should seem obvious, and I know for many who we would ask, it would be. In fact, at one time, we were giving the same answer. But as clear as day, I know God picked me up from walking in that answer and turned me completely around. He made it clear we had not consulted Him on our decision. The new answer is radical! It is not logical! It is crazy! It will take faith! Nothing in sight says it makes sense! Yet, if we were not to change from the path we were going to the new, radical path, why would He have stopped us? Wouldn't He have left well enough alone?

Because of the funk I have talked about so much lately, over the past few months, when God has spoken directly to me or I felt a nudge of the Holy Spirit, I wrote it down. Word for word as best I could what God was trying to show me or reveal to me. I have been reviewing all these notes over the past couple of days. Things that seem so clear in that moment of revelation become so clouded when I walk out into the world called my life as mom of 6 with one on the way. But here is the deal, the only thing keeping us from moving head long in one direction is HUMAN limitation! That's it. We look at a situation that God has put before us and John and I both say, there is NO way! John is still unsure, but I am almost certain God is saying, "this is My way, walk in it!" I am totally ready to lay that down if my husband tells me that God has told him no or that is not the direction he, John, feels we need to go. It will be hard, not because letting go of the situation will be tough (although that has its own heart strings too), but because it will leave me once again in a crisis of faith with God. If I am walking down a path and am at peace and content with that decision, why in the world would You, God, turn it all upside down just to turn me back around and continue to walk in the original direction? There will be some serious crying out to God if it turns out we end up not walking down this path. But let me add here how grateful am I am to be a woman at times like this! I know my place. Regardless of what I think God is telling me, the buck doesn't stop with me! I am protected under the covering and the leadership of my husband. Does that mean I will agree with him? Maybe not in the beginning. Does that mean I will not have to struggle through some things with God and maybe even John over the outcome? No. But it does mean that I can present what God has said to me to John then sit back and let him make the decision. My job at that point is to pray for John and ask God to impart His wisdom to John so that John can make the right decision. But the burden of that decision does not fall on my shoulders, and that is a blessing. Makes me thankful and makes me realize the importance of bringing my man before God on a daily if not hourly basis since these burdens do rest on his shoulders for our family!

In light of this situation, Mary is my hero right now! I read about her visit with Elizabeth. I'm sure this especially speaks to me right now since I am carrying a little blessing myself - one God brought to us because we certainly were not planning him/her! I've not been called baron or beyond child bearing years as Elizabeth was (although I have felt like that at times with my 'advance maternal age' and all!), and this was not an immaculate conception. But sparing you all the intimate details, lets just leave it at this baby is God ordained! I've never had direct Words from God spoken over me in my life. I've never had anyone come up to me and say, "God told me _____ for you or a situation."....that is until this pregnancy! So in some ways, I very much relate to these two women! They both were carrying children who had been spoken over as vital in the kingdom of God. They both knew that the radical beginnings of the lives in side of them were just that - the radical beginnings of radical lives for their two sons! Elizabeth's words to Mary are so encouraging to me right now in Luke 1! When Mary spoke to Elizabeth, John lept in her womb! How cool is that? Even in the womb, John the Baptist knew the Messiah had entered the room! I love it! Elizabeth encourages Mary by telling her that she is blessed because she has believed that what God has told her will happen and is true! Oh how I want to be like Mary! The words spoken over our baby are not that unbelievable compared to Mary. Let's see....Mary's baby was conceived through immaculate conception! You could just stop there and call Mary a hero for believing she is pregnant! Goodness knows I've had a hard time grasping the fact that I'm pregnant and I've done the deed to get that way, am now feeling movement and had many more symptoms to make it register! But Mary believed the moment she was told. I would like to think if an angel had come to tell me and not a stick with a line, I would have grasped it sooner also, but I'm not so sure I would have! God had spoken this baby's existence over me several months before I got pregnant, but I still didn't believe when I got pregnant.

But Mary, in her absolutely crazy circumstances, doesn't stop with belief! Luke 1:46-55 is Mary's blog post of Bible times about the goodness and wonder of God! She isn't wallowing in self-pity that God would place this burden on her or call her to such a high thing! Let's think about it: she is a pregnant virgin with the Savior of the world! How believable is that? Think of going to your mother, your father, your fiance and explaining that one! Really?! It has cost her friends and family. It brought undeserved shame and embarrassment. Yet she says, "My soul exalts in the Lord, and my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior!" Oh to be like Mary!

God make me not only believe what You are asking of us right now, but let me rejoice in being the one You have asked! Get my eyes off myself and the world and onto You and Your kingdom! Give me a bigger perspective that allows me to rejoice in the things you have called me to in this world! Yes, I have reward in heaven, but help me to see the rewards right here!

Not by sight but by faith.....

My funk returns....seems like I've been in a lot of funks lately, doesn't it? I know it is because it is my flesh warring with my Spirit. It frustrates me! I hate that I don't walk in the Spirit every day! Its so much easier when I do, but for some reason I get in these funks where I just can't seem to shake the flesh, I can't get my Spiritual eyes working and all I see is the "reality" of what I see, which is not the reality at all when you are a Believer and have the power that raised Christ from the dead with in you. Can't wait for the day that my flesh is gone and I forever get to live in my Spirit! Come on Jesus! I am ready!

But until that day, He obviously has more for me to do or I wouldn't be here. I have really been fighting the funk trying to come out of it. I fail more days than I succeed, but today is a day I am feeling victorious over the funk! :)

A couple of weeks ago, the funk, the cloud was thick! I begged God to speak at church, and He did. He started in the worship service. Because my times when I hear from him are so precious to me these days, I write it ALL down! We were singing a song with the lyrics, "Not by sight, but by faith, I believe you never fail. I will follow You in all Your ways...and stand and proclaim to the world Your saving Name."

As I sang that, God just impressed some truths on me.

1. It is only by faith and not sight that I can believe God never fails! Sight might say God failed because I didn't receive the outcome I thought would come or I desired. This has happened MANY times to me when walking by faith because in the end I had my focus on the wrong things. In hindsight, I can see where God totally came through despite an outcome because He changed me or grew me, but when I get down (or in a funk like now) I look at those things from the past and start to doubt that God will do what He has said He will do right now. But as I sang these words on this Sunday morning, God reminded me that I must look even at the past with eyes of faith and not sight! I HAVE to trust and follow. PERIOD.
2. I can ONLY stand and proclaim God's saving name to the world when I follow HIM in HIS ways! I can't follow Him in MY ways! His ways don't look like mine. His ways don't always make sense. His ways are hard sometimes. His ways are sure not the world's ways. Only in being different and standing up for Him do I glorify Him and who His power...and thus His saving name to a watching world.

Of course, as soon as I got home from church and life hit me in the face with six kids and a pregnancy, these things kind of faded. I hate that about myself right now! I listen to The Alter and the Door by Casting Crowns a lot right now because I think that is my life! I lose it somewhere between the alter and the door!

Today, though, I rest in the peaceful place of Jesus having met me right here, even in my funk, again! He has given me hope, given me a bit of joy and peace that I haven't felt for awhile. He has made the mountains before me look a little smaller. I will not worry about tomorrow for it will have enough trouble of its own!

Walking by faith...

Unfulfilled Dreams

John and I are doing an amazing marriage class called Marriage on the Rock by Jimmy Evans. One of the discussion questions was "What unfulfilled dreams do you have for yourself? Do you believe these dreams represent God's desire for you?" Normally, I would think this would take a while for me to think about, but this morning I wrote down three immediately. If you knew the internal battle over the past two to three weeks, you would know how divinely inspired my answer is! So this is what I wrote down:

1. My masters in counseling
2. licensed domestic adoption agency
3. speaker/author
4. maternity home

Now here's the catch. With my thought patterns and actions over the past two to three weeks, I will NEVER attain any of these! Why? Well because all of these will take divine power, strength and wisdom to obtain while being wife to John and mother to 7 children. It will take believing that God knows more than I do! It will take understanding that He has a plan that doesn't look like mine. I've never had "career" goals! My career plan was get married and have babies. PERIOD! Goal accomplished, right?! Well, somewhere along the way, God started twitching that plan. And I still struggle with it. When all children are grown, I would have no problem pursuing these dreams. However, God repeatedly tells me, that some of them are for now. I just don't see how that is possible! But He knows. I have to trust Him. I have to obey Him. For He honors obedience over sacrifice. So the answer to the second part of that question is most definitly YES! They are divinly inspired as I still can't wrap my head around them truly being possible, and I am a safe "dreamer", only God would put anything in my head that is above what "I" can do! That way HE gets the glory!

The last two weeks have been full of thoughts that nothing God promises comes to pass. It's been a time of doubt, crisis of faith, wondering what the future holds. Lots of fear. Since God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love and self-discipline, I have no doubt where, or who these thoughts were coming from! But even knowing that, I couldn't shake it. For whatever reason, this morning, I have more clarity of thought!

Over the past two weeks as I have struggled with faith, belief, trust, obedience (the list goes on and on), there has been a consistent voice saying, "It is all to get you off track. The enemy is deceiving. As long as you believe, you will be defeated. You cannot accomplish all I have for you with these thoughts." This morning, as I actually wrote down the unfulfilled dreams that I have, all that there is to lose became amazingly clear. The stakes are too high! I must overcome the doubts and lies! My family and those God will put in my path depend on it. Not to mention, wrestling with lies and doubt are a pretty miserable existence!

Excited to go to church this morning and worship and praise!!!! Have so much to praise Him for this morning! Stay tuned...I think this wild ride called life is about to be turned up a notch!!!!

God's Economy again!

Had a VERY humbling lesson today! My struggle with God's promises is back. Just had some hard times that makes it difficult to hang onto Truth. Wish I wasn't so quick to believe the lies of the enemy over God's Word, but for some reason I am. One of the areas that we, John and I, have really worked on as far as trusting God and believing His promises is in money. In the last year we added two children and a pregnancy and lost a salary. So money is tight at times. We have to get pretty creative for just about anything above and beyond the basic needs that we want to have. Of course, we are still wealthier than 90% of the world! I totally understand that after working intently in Liberia for 5 years. But when you live in America and have the American mentality around you and have to look at what the Jones' have every day, it is hard to not get caught up in it...at least it is for me!

I can tell you many stories of God's provision. And actually, money is not my biggest struggle for trusting God, but eventually, as I continue down a path of doubt or mis-trust, money will become an issue. I was brought up tithing. I understand the concept that it is God's and he is only asking for 10%. John and I have always meant to tithe, but have gone through seasons where we didn't simply because we weren't disciplined to take it out FIRST and by the time we got to write the check the money was gone.

Well, we have been very committed to our tithe and then some, just really trying to walk in obedience and generosity lately. When we were struggling with the discipline, God really impressed John with Malachi 3 that promises God will rebuke the devourer for us when we are faithful to give Him what He asks for. We have had many illnesses in our home this winter which means lots of doctor bills and medicine expenses on top of the pregnancy. Three of the kids and John have had to have dental work done. Then this week, our slab sprung a leak! We are on day three with no water except to turn it on to bathe and wash dishes. We have a VERY high deductible, so we will be coming up with that money.

Over lunch, John and I were both talking about how hard it is to believe God for His promises when circumstances truly point to the opposite! I haven't worried about the money part so much, but there are MANY other promises that I have just laughed at God over for the past couple of weeks! His promises just seem a world away right now in just about every aspect of life!

John was talking specifically about being ready for the last half of the tithe promise to be evident and we can know that the devourer has been kept at bay by our obedience in our finances.

I literally was walking in the back door from that conversation when Ava yells, "Someone is here!" It was a dear friend of mine who was bringing crib sheets that I am collecting for some moms in San Angelo. But before she left, she handed me $100 and said, "God told me to give you $100. I don't know what it is for, but I want to walk in obedience." Now, this friend has had just as many struggles as we have! In fact, we have talked the past couple of weeks about how much our lives are paralleling right now in the area of tests! So the fact that she would be handing me this money made it all the more humbling!

Of course, in tears, I call John and tell him what just happened. It was a tangible hand of God saying, "I hear you! Hang on! Trust me! I am in control! I will bring my promises to fruition! Don't doubt!" My spirits lifted and hope resides in me for the first time in weeks. Not just about money, but about all my areas of doubt! I LOVE that God loves us enough to show up very tangibly through an obedient friend when I'm pouting and refuse to listen. If I don't stop to spend time with Him, He'll just show up at my door step! That doesn't happen all the time, trust me, so when it does, I have to take notice! And believe me, I AM LISTENING now!!! Thank you, God, for sending me hope through a friend who was Jesus with skin on today! And thank you Friend, for walking in obedience! You have helped set my mind back where it needs to be!

The Big Girls' Room

Callie's Bed

We had to do some bed switching when Isabella came to live with us. But since she came in the middle of the holidays....and when I was at half commission with the pregnancy, it has taken us until now to get their room done! But it was worth the wait! The girls love the room....and she, especially, I think appreciates it more now because she had to live in the "ghetto" room as they called it for a few months! So here it is!

The Frame Wall!

Isabella's Bed

The Sitting Area




The beds "before"

The Journey: Loving the Hurt While You're Hurt

It has been a rough three weeks. The honeymoon is most definitely over! For all of us! Isabella is still doing amazing! Truly, when I stop and think where we could be, I know we are blessed beyond measure. But even with that, It. Is. HARD!

This past week, my biggest struggle is learning how to love the hurt through my own hurts. Just this morning, as I prayed and begged God from relief from the battles, He revealed to me that my struggle right now is in having to love a child unconditionally through my human heart that is hurting over my own wounds. I am so thankful that God's love is not mine! I am so thankful that He loves me with a love only He can give! Our amazing Pastor is actually doing a sermon series on that right now, but we missed this Sunday because Ava was sick. Can't wait to catch it on the website and can't wait to hear this weeks! While I am thankful for the love God gives me, I am realizing more and more how flawed the love I offer my children is.

Over the past three weeks, I have felt myself pulling back from my children...all of them. Not just "the adopted ones", but all of them. I have become more and more overwhelmed with the demands of loving, training and guiding six children. I have entertained the idea many times over the past few weeks that the critics were right, and we have too many kids. Then days like yesterday happen when I realize I have missed soccer sign-ups and baseball sign ups. We didn't know about a parent meeting at honors choir, so couldn't stay because one parent was home with 3 kids + a sleeping baby and the 6th child had to be picked up from track before the parent meeting would be over. I just kept thinking, "if we didn't have this many kids, we wouldn't have this problem right now." Monday Noah was walking in front of me and I looked down to see his ankle above his socks above his shoe. This means his pants are WAY too short! Over night, the kid has outgrown his pants...AGAIN! Immediately, I hear a voice say, "Now you LOOK like a family with a bunch of kids! Your son's pants aren't even long enough! If you didn't have all these kids you would have noticed sooner and you would have the money to go buy new ones right now instead of having to wait until payday!" My friend Emily and I have always joked about looking like "one of those" families with all the kids! While we can joke about it, it really is a real battle of fear and image that I seem to be fighting more and more lately.

I am exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually exhausted.

The thing is, I know that each of these things I am talking about are attacks from the enemy. I have amazing friends around me who send me e-mails filled with truth that I really don't want to hear at the time, but appreciate their honest truth none-the-less. But because of my hurts from the past few years with God and some people close to me, I have a hard time believing those truths right now. Which ultimately boils down to my trust issues with God rearing their ugly head again! Yuck!

I shared my fears about adopting an older child at the time we were considering bring Isabella into our family. I had real fears about my ability to emotionally and spiritually support even one more person. Those fears come from some real struggles that are currently happening in our family life. But as the reality of all that mothering six children means has come to pass, those fears have become reality. It is scary. It is overwhelming. It looks impossible.

But what is the truth? The truth is God hand picked each of these children to be in our family. His fingerprints are all over every single one of their births and adoptions. Each one of them truly were not planned by John or me! Even Callie who we say is our only "planned" child was conceived after a miscarriage ~ had we not lost our first baby, Callie would not be here. Every other child has a God print on their existence in this family, including the one I'm carrying...and don't get me started about thinking about adding a newborn to the mix!

The Truth is also, as one dear friend reminds me frequently, satan wants our family to fail. He wants John and I to divorce. He wants us to give up on parenting Isabella (it would truly be giving up on parenting, not on her because she is amazing!). He wants us to be poor examples of Christ followers to our children so that they grow up thinking following God in hard things makes you bitter and angry. He wants us to turn down any other children that God may already have planned for us. NO, I'm not looking for any! But with my feelings right now, I never would even be open to more children.

The truth is satan wants me to believe that I can't do this. I find myself saying it all the time, "I can't do this." But that is not what the Word says! It says, I can do ALL things THROUGH CHRIST who gives me strength! God, if I let him, can heal my hurts so that I can love my children despite my hurts.

As you guys know, I'm transparent..and in light of that, I'll just share....I'm not there yet! I'm struggling. I'm trying to believe God for the promises that have been spoken over this baby and our year. I was at a birthing center last week praying for a friend as she walked out a promise from God that she would successfully deliver a baby totally naturally after two c-sections. God has used her experience over the past week to speak to me when I chose to listen. John and I are in an all out war for our family right now. These promises that have been spoken over us would be healing of 13 years worth of hurt and disappointment. These promises would mean our family would be healthier than it has ever been....yes, even with six, soon to be seven, children! Since I've had c-sections on both my births, I don't have the experience that my friends who were with me at the birth center have had. As I heard them talk and we prayed for strength and perseverance and bound fear and cast it out for our friend, I know God was implanting that analogy in my heart. John and I are in labor with our family. I am at that point where fear sets in. I am at that point were the pain seems like it will never end and is not worth it! The ladies all talked about how towards the end it gets so hard you want to quit, but if you persevere, you end up with this amazing little baby and a euphoria that cannot be described! I think about my amazing friend who delivered all 10 lbs and 11 oz of her sweet baby boy that night - totally naturally! And I am encouraged to keep laboring through this process. It's ugly, it's messy, it's not fun, but it's necessary to produce that family God desires for us and the healing He has promised us. It's necessary to love my hurting daughters who need more love and reassurance from me than I feel like I can offer in my own wounded state. So today, which is what God tells me to only be concerned with, I'm going to kick fear out and walk in belief and faith that God will bring to pass that which He promised. I will not allow the enemy to taunt me with the failures of the past or the disappointments of the past. And try desperately to be as confident as those last sentences sound! :)

Hiding from God

I realize this title is an oxymoron, or close to it, I think. There is no way to hide from an Omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent God. But when I choose to not spend time with Him, I am at least blocking Him out...as much as the Holy Spirit will allow before chasing me down, anyway!

I have hidden from God way too much the past two months. Different reasons, but all of them are rebellious at the heart of the matter. Rebellion doesn't look good on me! Definitely NOT flattering! So why do I "wear" it? Sometimes I know God just shakes his head at me...just like I do my kids when they are being less than smart!

A lot of the time I have deliberately not had my quiet times over the past couple of months. It has been because the battle of spirit versus flesh have been very present in my household. Battles with kids and how they see other kids act or being treated by their parents, battles with other family members over my stance on spiritual absolutes and what we allow or don't allow in our family, and inward battles with what I believe God is saying and my complete lack of desire to do it!

Most recently, my battle is the latter! Over the past few weeks, I have been considering a possible situation that has been placed before us. A situation that John and I have agreed would be an impossibility and as such have informed those asking us that we would not be doing it. I was very comfortable with that decision! I can give you a thousand reasons why we are justified in our response to say no to this situation. In fact, there are very few people that wouldn't want to call in the men in white coats if we walked forward in this situation! We have received very good feedback from everyone when responding with a resounding "NO!!!!!" to this situation. Very good feedback from almost everyone...and the only One who really matters, doesn't seem all that thrilled with my no!

It started with a little whisper that said, "Did you ask Me about this situation? Did you ask Me what My plan is here?" To which I quickly responded, well God of course You don't want me to do this! It would stretch me beyond what any human is capable of! It would put stress on every area of our lives! There is no way You would want us to do this. To which I hear again, "Have you asked Me what I want in this situation? Have you asked Me what I can do in this situation? Have you looked at what matters to Me?"

We had a guest couple at our church for a marriage seminar and then they spoke again on Sunday morning. Their testimony and much of their walk in their marriage, mirrors a lot of John and mine. It was very encouraging to hear them! But God also used them to speak to me about this situation. In my quiet time before hearing them speak, God stirred it in me, then as they spoke, He solidified what I believed Him to be saying.

I believe He has said that we are to say "yes" to this situation. I don't even know that the "yes" will actually require anything of us. I don't know that the actual event will occur. But I know God wants me to be willing and ready to say "yes" to whatever He calls me to. And I know that God has spoken to my heart that I am limiting Him with my human perspective. I am telling Him where His boundaries are in my life and that is pretty much like the pot saying to the potter what it will be!

So I have spent the last week sleeping in and hiding from God. I don't know that I have ever consciously avoided Him because of what I think He will tell me before. But this week I can definitely say that I have. I'm tired of being stretched! I'm tired, period! I feel like I am literally on the brink of impossibility and God just seems to be saying, not only are you going to do all that I have commanded (even the things you aren't doing yet because you are being slow to obey Me), but add this to your list!

So tonight is the first time in a week or more that I feel like I have really engaged with God. Why? Because all my other attempts this week, feeble attempts, have failed. Why? Because I had rebellion in my heart and disobedience on my mind! I was coming to God saying, "I don't want to know what you want from me....I just want you to fix this, and this, and this...THEN maybe I will consider listening to you!" God reacts to that about how I would to one of my children telling me that!

But tonight, I come before Him ready to obey. Ready to lay down my agendas, my fears, my limitations and say yes to God. Whatever He asks of me in this situation, I'm ready to walk in obedience trusting Him with the rest! Hang on folks! This is going to be one crazy ride! ...oh, and pray for John! This may just send him over the edge! :) I have already told him I think God has spoken a "yes" in this situation, and He looked at me like I was a mad woman! He had no clue what he was getting himself into 13 years ago when he watched me walk down the aisle and took me as his life partner! But I wouldn't want to be on this journey with anyone else!

Family Come to Jesus Meeting Results

So the Come to Jesus Meeting went well! Can't say it was great, had a few tense moments, but at least now I'm not the only one that will be miserable around here! Ok, Just kidding..but really, the responsibilities have been spread and I feel much less emotionally involved as I know there are things I can do with the kids that takes the burden off me to constantly remind them to do their chores! Plus, my bathroom cabinets were wiped down, the toilet bases were scrubbed and both cars will be cleaned out when we have a warm day...

One of the things we came up with was the "Irresponsibility Can". If I have to do a chore for them, then they have to do a chore for me. If they backtalk or do anything that would drain my energy (a Love and Logic term) then they have to go to the Irresponsibility Can and pick a chore. In said can are the chores that John and I don't like to do. You know, things like scrub the toilets, clean mini-blinds, pick up the dog poop, etc! They are all in the can and the children draw their ch0re anytime they are being irresponsible. So far so good....we will see how it goes as the week goes on!

Confessions of a Large Family Mom

I hear all the time, "how do you do it?" Well, frankly, this week, I haven't! I haven't done "it" at all! I've managed to keep the house picked up and that's about it! I haven' t done all that needs to be done for my job...just bare minimums, I haven't discipled my children at all, and frankly, I haven't even really been all that nice. I'm tired and grumpy! Kind of already knew that, but was confirmed when Isabella told me early this week that she went to the counselor at school and asked her if it was normal for pregnant women to be grumpy and mean. Not exactly one of my prouder moments!

So I have tried to do some major self-reflection to see what is going on! I feel the depression creeping back and I am determined to not fall into that pit again!

Anyone who has been a Christian long knows that Bible study and prayer are key when you are trying to battle through anything! But I haven't been very good at that lately. Not because of time....yes, time is a valuable commodity around here, but you make time for what you think is important! I make the time when I'm not in my funk, so time can't be an excuse! The bottom line is, I don't want to. I'm throwing a tantrum for God...real mature, huh?!

Two reasons for not wanting to get in the Word. One, I'm afraid of what He will tell me. I'm not ready to be stretched anymore right now. And there is one particular direction I'm pretty sure God is telling me to go that I flat don't want to. The other is, I don't feel like I have the power or energy to change anything else right now. Of course no of those are true, but in the funk I'm in, they feel true. And being in the funk I'm in, the "feelings" control me instead of truth! Bad place to be!

Maybe there is a third reason....I'm tired of battle! Part of me thinks if I quit chasing after God so hard, maybe the enemy will leave me alone for awhile. Truth? He probably will....but then God will be after me, and rightly so! So all that brings me to where I am this morning...what am I going to do between This Rock and this hard place?

Well, I'm going to fight my way back to standing on The Rock and get out of the hard place! I have had two words spoken over me and God has shown scripture that shows exactly what He wants for me right now and it is victory! I have joined the Beth Moore Scripture Memory challenge for this year thanks to the challenge of a friend of mine. So I am memorizing two scriptures a month. This month, I am memorizing some from Joel 2 which was the Word spoken over me for this year. Verse 25 says, "Then I will make up to you for the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the creeping locust, the stripping locust and the gnawing locust, My great army which I sent among you." John and I have been married for 13 years. I would say the majority of that 13 years has been stolen by locust of one kind or another in one of us. Time and again, God has shown us that 2011 is the year to reclaim those years and see the fruit! That makes the enemy nervous and angry, and he is in full force.

I KNOW the truth! That is what frustrates me so badly! I KNOW that the enemy has no power over me that I don't hand to him! I KNOW that I am an over comer by the words of my testimony and the blood of the Lamb! But knowing it and walking in it seem to be two totally different things! So today has been a reflection of how to get that knowledge to my feet in order to walk!

I have a lot I need to get in order, but I see that the enemy uses our family size many times to drain me! And that is what God has been revealing today and even the weeks before today when I have found myself exhausted and snapping by 5:00 every day.

John and I love Parenting with Love and Logic. There are some areas of it that we have to tweek, especially parenting children from hard places, but the concepts are fabulous! I have noticed over the past few weeks, that we have slipped back into very bad old habits! Our kids have to be told EVERYTHING to do...including brush their hair in the case of the boys! We have been threatening to shave their heads (or at least cut it very short) if they don't start taking care of it. But have we followed through? NO! Instead, every morning, I find myself saying, "Have you brushed your hair?" numerous times and then waiting in the car while one of them runs back into the bathroom to brush his hair! Even the older girls have to be told EVERYTHING they are supposed to do. We have chore charts. No one looks at them! They just wait for John or I to tell them what to do! Well, by the end of the day when I have told 6 people plus myself what to do for every little step of their day, I am worn out! That's nuts!

I have said on her before that I am not an organized person. It really does not come naturally to me. I have begged with God recently to make me more organized and asked him why in the world He didn't give me more organization genes since He knew He was going to give me all these children. But the fact of the matter is, even the systems we have in place, we are not using! We are letting our children run our home and then we are all snappy and grippy!

So today, after school and homework, when John gets home, we are having a family Come to Jesus Meeting! It will start with John and I confessing the areas we have not been good parents. I think it is important to model proper failure (if there is such a thing) for your children! It is important for them to understand that even when you are not being successful you can stop, repent, and turn it around! And then we are laying down some hard and fast ground rules for chores and responsibilities around here. Mom and dad are done being drill sergeants! Its time for the responsibility for themselves to go back on the children where it belongs! And if they refuse to take the responsibility, well, then their life will become a little more miserable as they suffer natural consequences of not being able to handle responsibility. I'm doing being miserable because they can't handle responsibility!

Wish me luck...or better yet, say a prayer for us! And I will let you know how it goes! I'm off to write down some of the issues and brain storm from natural consequences!

IN it but not OF it: Part 1

I have always struggled with the true meaning of John 17. In case you haven't figured it out by now, I am an analyzer! Sometimes I over analyze things, and this may be one of those times. However, this scripture has come to mind several times lately as I have struggled through different areas.

"I am no longer in the world; and yet they themselves are in the world...and the world has hated them, because they are not of this word, even as I am not of the world." John 11,14

Over the years, my struggle with the "in but not of it" truth has evolved. In my early years, especially in my legalistic thinking, it was a statement of arrogance. "I'm not one of them" I am among them because I have to be, but I am not "of " them! Reading it in full context, that is most definitely NOT what Jesus is talking about! He is talking about love, NOT pride!

Then my struggle evolved to the riches part of the world. This was particularly a struggle when we first started working in Africa. I felt guilty for having a home with running water and electricity. I felt guilty for having food on my table and a steady income. I have to live in this world because Jesus left us here, but I am not to be "of" it. What exactly does "of" it mean?! Does it mean I shouldn't embrace any of its luxuries or benefits? Does it mean I can't have fun? Does it mean I sit in solemn studious stature and meditate on The Word? As I've learned more of The Word and more of God's character, I can definitely say no to those as well! As far as enjoying the luxuries the world has to offer, well, I still struggle with that! I know the answer is in balance. But where is that balance?

I am finding my struggle with the "in" it but not "of" it has intensified the last few weeks. It has become quite an internal struggle as well, in myself, but also in my family, meaning with me, John and the kids. If you want to know how much of a bubble you have been in, bring in an older child who has seen, heard and experienced things that no child should! While I hear my friends talk about how much they are shielding their children from "the world", I realize I have brought "the world" in to live in my home. Please don't misunderstand that statement. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Isabella is meant to be in our home, and I am so thankful every day that God delivered me from fear so that I could take this journey and say yes to adding her to our family. She is AMAZING! Truly, amazing!

But by no fault of her own, she has not only been in the world, but she has been all about the world! What motivates her, what makes her happy, her interaction with friends and others, it is all wrapped in the lies of this world. It is all based on the lies spewed by the Father of Lies who rules this earth. It is based on the things that will kill, steal and destroy! But he is a master liar! He makes it all look so good. I am finding it so difficult to "argue" with what satan makes look so appealing.

I know the Truth! I know where the low road will lead and where the high road will lead. But I also know that I can't make the decision to take the high road for any of my children! Oh that I could!

I can "make" my children obey my rules! I can take away all privileges until they get the picture that it is my way or they highway! I am not a parent who will ever say as many did to me when I was teaching 6th grade, "I've tried everything and nothing seems to work." I know how to get their attention. However, I don't want to just get their attention, I want to transform their heart!

You see, I can make them act the way I want them to, but that truly is not my goal! My goal is to build warriors for God's kingdom. That means they have to understand the cost and choose to do it anyway. That means that somewhere in side of themselves, they have to value the ways of God over the ways of this world. Somewhere inside of them they have to understand that what looks like denying themselves pleasure or what looks like hard right now, in the end will bring more pleasure than anything this world has to offer and will make life easier!

But how to do I get them there, especially one who has been soaked in the world for 15 years, and I have a short 3 to totally turn it around? It makes my head and heart hurt!

As I sit down to spend time with God today, that is my question for Him. What now? Honeymoon is over, and real life is here. What boundaries do I put in place to keep my children safe even if they don't understand, and what freedoms do I give because too many boundaries will only produce rebellion. I love Karyn Purvis' analogy of the horse. You pull back on the reigns slightly and they stop. You pull back a little harder and they back up. You pull back even harder and they buck! I need some stopping and some backing up, but bucking is not proving to be beneficial!

God, I'm here again with the same question for different reasons! How do I teach my children to have a heart for you? When the world is so tempting, how do I keep their eyes on you? How do I take my daughter who has been taught all the wrong ways and show her the right ways without crushing her? How hard do I push? When do I back off? God, I ask forgiveness for avoiding You myself and backing up from You because I didn't want the internal struggle of flesh verses Holy! But as I told one of my children last night, I would rather be lame and Holy than worldly and popular. Help me be a strong example to my children, especially to my girls of how You want Your daughters to look and act. Stoke my heart's fire for you so that my love for You is evident in my every word, action and thought towards my children. Protect my children from the enemy! Bind him from our home. We belong to You and we will have children who love You and live for Your kingdom purposes! Thank you for your promise that Your Word never returns void. Thank you for the assurance that even as my daughters study Your word in the morning and by afternoon seem to have forgotten it, I know the Truth that You will use those seeds in their lives! Holy Spirit, speak to me words of wisdom as I deal with each of these situations with my children. Give me words of love and discipline that lead them to You and not push them away from me and You. In Jesus Name ~Amen!

Honestly, how do people parent without the wisdom of the Holy Spirit? So thankful for my relationship with God as we walk this journey called parenting! Can't imagine how badly I would mess it up without Him!

Parenting children from hard places

We've entered a new realm. Parenting children from hard places, even when you have had them since birth, is becoming more and more challenging as these children grow older. But I'm finding the challenge isn't them as much as it is me!

We had an interesting experience today. It was a first. It took me off guard. I didn't handle it like I wish I would have. I know many of you will find this hard to believe, but I was way too passive! I would have said way more if I had not been in shock at the time.

But there is fall out from the incident. Fall out that we as a family have to address. It's not fun! It puts me in a place where I have to deny my child the excuse of his/her past. I find myself saying over and over these days (with more than one child) that I know where you came from, but I am more concerned with where you are going. I know what they hear is that I don't love them because they don't care how hard it has been or still is. When what I am saying is, I love you so much I want better for you! When I want to sit and cry with them and just hold them and tell them I'm sorry and I don't want things to be hard for them anymore! Instead, I have to push them to try harder. I have to push them to overcome. Which in its own way is once again making life hard for them. It seems like a vicious circle. It's not that I don't care! It's that I care so much!

I remember watching an interview one time with the mother of a then adult woman who was missing her arms. She had lost them in an electrical accident as a young child. I remember the mother talking about how right after the accident her husband and she knew that they couldn't give into the disability. They had to be strong to make her strong. She talked about watching their daughter trying to do ordinary things and failing time and time again. But the mother didn't jump in and do them for her. Instead, she would leave the room and lock herself in her room and cry and scream because her daughter was struggling! Her daughter never knew this until she was an adult. But because the mother and father had chosen to allow the daughter to learn to deal with her disability without making excuses or even accommodations for it in most instances, the woman with no arms was a fully functioning member of society.

I don't have children with missing body parts, but I have children with missing heart parts! I feel like that mother right now. I can't allow them to use their missing heart parts as a disability...life won't care that they had a rough start! They have to learn how to successfully navigate life regardless of their start! But I find myself more and more wanting to go in my closet and scream and kick and cry out to God, "WHY?!!!! WHY did you not let them grow in my womb?! Why must they have suffered the way they did in the beginning?! Why do I have to clean up the mess that other adults have left in their lives?"

I know I will never know why! We live in a fallen world. Yes, God is sovereign. He could have stopped all the bad things that happened to each of them with the wiggle of His nose. But He didn't. I will never understand that in my human inability to understand God's ways. But I also know it breaks His heart just as much as it does mine! He grieves their losses more than even I as their momma does. My job...well, my job is to teach them that about Him! My biggest fear in parenting these children is that when they really deal with all that has happened, they will turn their back on God because He could have stopped it.

How do I teach them, Lord? How do I teach them the agape love that you have for them despite what has happened to them? How do I teach them to value character over comfort? How do I teach them in this selfish society to value Your worthiness to receive honor over their "rights"?

I wish they understood how much I feel their pain, but because I love them more than life itself, I can't stay in the pain - and I can't let them stay there either! God has placed them in our home because He desires far more beyond all they could think or ask of Him (Eph 3:20-21). My daily prayer is that I will find the appropriate balance between love and expectation to put them on the path out of their past and into the future full of hope and prosperity that God promises them in Jeremiah 29:11. Today I don't think I did that. Today I think I failed. I will apologize. I will ask forgiveness. I will get up in the morning and start a new day with new mercies and try to do better.

But one thing is for sure. No matter how hard. No matter how many times I may think I am in over my head, I wouldn't miss out on this journey with any of these children for the world! They are so worth it! I'm just not sure why God entrusted such amazing little people to a wreck like me! But this wreck will fight every day of her life to be all that God intends for me to be in the lives of these, His children!

The Journey: Final Hearing

Today is the final hearing for Baby Girl. Today should be the day that we know she will be ours forever. I say "should be" because you never know how these things are truly going to go. If I've learned anything from this journey with CPS, it's to never assume anything!

Last week we received a text message from Baby Girl's biological mother saying that Baby Girl would be ours forever because she was going to sign papers to terminate her rights. I didn't jump up and down like you might think. I didn't for two reasons. First, she has said she would do that before and then backed out. So until the papers are signed, I'm not getting overly confident that they will be signed. Second, even though it means the little girl who I love as my daughter will remain with me forever, it also means that a mother who carried this baby in her womb for 9 months is having to let go forever. Regardless of the circumstances, that makes me sad. It makes me sad that we live in a fallen world where parents are not always able or willing, whatever the case may be, to care for their biological children.

We have known about this court date for weeks, months really. After our last court, CPS told us they could possibly change the plan to reunification which you understand raised many alarms. I made some phone calls and was assured that all would go well and Baby Girl would remain with us. But now, the day before court, people who are key witnesses for the case still haven't received their letters to be at court. Baby Girl's attorney, who is better than most as he actually did a home visit yesterday, wasn't familiar enough with the facts of the case to really discuss the possible outcomes with us when he was here yesterday. So while I'm really not nervous about our case because God has given me confidence for months that Baby Girl would be ours in the end, I am very frustrated and border line angry that people who hold the future of a child in their hands really aren't concerned with the details that could determine where this child grows up for life! I can't help but think these children deserve better! But how do we make "better" happen?

This morning I am praying and trusting that God will have the people there who need to be there. Praying that He will give me the words I need to say when I am on the stand. I'm not excited about that part at all! This is when having a relationship with the biological family is so hard. I don't want to talk bad about her biological mother even if it is true. I don't want to damage a relationship we might have with her. There is another baby on the way. What if we could help in some way to inspire her to make permanent changes that would allow this baby to stay with her? Could what I say this morning damage that? Wasn't really thrilled that he said he would put me on the stand, but on the other hand, will do anything for my children!

This has been a trust journey from the beginning and will be to the end! So here we go! Trusting and obeying...seems to be my motto these days!

Gifts for Service

Each of you has been blessed with one of God's many wonderful gifts to be used in the service of others. So use your gift well. 1 Peter 4:10 CEV

God took me to this verse last night. It was one of those times He has me pick up a book that I haven't picked up in awhile and read something only to find a verse that hit exactly where I am struggling! Love it when He does that! Reminds me how personal He is and that He cares about me - and you - as an individual and not just one of his ants in the army!

While this verse is encouraging, it is also very challenging for me these days...which is why I was seeking God in the first place!

You see, I am in one of those places where I know the direction God has given. I really have not doubt. I can say I need to pray more, but it would just be an excuse to procrastinate on obedience! I know God is telling me to get busy on the agency. He is telling me to get the policies written for the domestic program to start. Every time I start questioning whether I need to do that right now, He brings another friend struggling to adopt through the system or another situation where I know we could help if we had our license. I wrestle with God saying now can't be the time! I have 6 kids and am expecting number 7! I have NEVER done the working mom thing very well as I refuse to put my kids in day care. Just a personal conviction, I pass no judgement here! In fact, sometimes I admire people who do that and are devoted to their job! But then I admire the moms who have nothing to distract them from mommy duties like baking cookies or playing board games! I am finding that I am an all or nothing type person. That doesn't work very well for a working-stay-at-home-mother! I don't do well with schedules. I've never been organized, just an organized-want-a-be. I don't do well with boundaries, especially where people are concerned. I'm not a very good self-starter. And to top it all off, I feel totally inadequate to run an agency.

Those don't make for a very good executive director! But this scripture reminds me that God has gifted me! When I read it last night, it was as if He was speaking to me in an audible voice! "HollyAnn, I have giving you gifts. You have knowledge that can be of service to others as they walk the path of adoption I am calling them to. I didn't give you these gifts to puff you up, make you rich or famous, but I gave them to you so that you can serve my people as they answer me and walk in obedience." That got me excited! Too bad it happened at 10 when I knew I needed to go to bed!

However, it carried over to this morning! It's time to quit belly-aching about what God is asking me to do and time to walk in obedience! Time to quit comparing myself to those around me as God has a different calling for them than He does me...that's how THE BODY works! If we were all a big toe, The Body would be really crippled and non-functioning! Time to put he self-doubt behind me. Time to let this scripture move me to action!

Lately, I haven't been motivated to do much of anything. This pregnancy is kicking my tail! I am now in my second trimester which is supposed to be the best, right?! WRONG! As soon as the second trimester came, the nausea double, the fatigue tripled and my blood pressure shot up! After multiple trips to the doctor and several reminders of my "advanced maternal age" - ughhhh - I think we have these things under control. If I cross your mind, would you pray for my physical health. It is really hard to get motivated to do anything when you are so nauseous that moving makes you think you will throw up! Then I get frustrated, then depressed and it just seems to be one big cycle! I wonder how much of it is a spiritual attack. I don't want to look for a demon under every rock as the saying goes, but I also know how much the enemy has to lose if I get my act together and have and agency ready to think outside the box to serve families and children to bring them together for His kingdom work. I must do battle! I must put on my armor and fight to do more than just stay alive....I must cling to scriptures like 1 Peter 4:10 and Ephesians 3:20-21 and fight back with the enemy so that he knows whose boss!

So for today, I will set a schedule that will allow me to work! There will be set times that will be dedicated to the agency. Even if that means evenings when John is home or the Fridays that he is off, God will show the way!

I would covet your prayers! This is totally out of my comfort zone! The last time I worked the agency part-full time we only had four children. We closed the orphanage right after Madison came. Mothering 6, carrying one, and trying to build a program brings all new challenges, but God has called, so God will equip! He has proven Himself faithful in that area to me time and again, so I should not doubt He will do it again! I just have to get back in the saddle and ride! Yee-Haw! :)