MRI Over

We are home from Ava's MRI. All went well, Thank you Jesus!!! Doctor's were very impressed with how well she did. I didn't get to go back with her like I said I would before they put her totally under, but she didn't cry when they took her, so that helped me! They were very good with her! The doctor that took her back has 6 children. He had lots of practice with kids!

When she started coming out of the anesthesia, she was very disoriented and more than agitated! She wanted me to hold her, but she wouldn't be still. She was very angry that we would not take the IV out RIGHT NOW! But she calmed down the more she came out of it. They say this is normal for kids coming out of anesthesia. Since we have never had a child who has had medical procedures, this is all new!

They say it will take about a week to have the results. I am really not concerned about the results as God has given me perfect peace! If they show something we aren't expecting, He will take care of it! Now that the sedation is over, all anxiousness is gone!

We had asked her if she wanted McDonald's or doughnuts since she wasn't able to eat or drink this morning. She said doughnuts. But the second we walked out of the MRI lab, she smelled the popcorn that the pink ladies sell, and she said she wanted popcorn. We stopped to get a coke and she was as happy as can be with her popcorn and coke! They also gave her a bear in scrubs complete with mask and hat!

Now she and John are headed to Crane to be with family as John lost his aunt this weekend. Aunt Linda was more than "just an aunt" to John as she helped take care of him and his brother when his dad was being treated for cancer when they were little boys. Aunt Linda will be severely missed by all of us!

The rest of the kids and I will follow to Crane after they get out of school.

This is a busy week....lots of major things happening...God will most definitely have to carry me...but He is so good at that! :)

Ava's MRI

Had Ava's sedation appointment this morning. I didn't get nervous until they started talking about her being totally under-then got a little nervous! I am more fearful of the sedation than of the MRI results! But as God has taught me through this crazy journey of mothering He has taken me on, He loves my children more than I ever could and they are really His kids on loan to me to love and nurture and train in His ways! So Ava is safe in His hands! What peace that brings!

1/4 of the way there!

I posted this on June 20, 2008
When I lose my weight, I am going to pierce my nose! Why you ask? See post below! When I lose 100 pounds, it will mean that God has taken his rightful place on the throne of my heart....food will be forever overthrown! It will be an outward symbol of an inward commitment, a change from the inside out! Just like I wear my wedding ring to show I am committed to John, the nose stud will be to show that God owns my heart, I am fully committed to Him and have conquered my addiction to food! It will be extreme! :) I have been called a prude many times! So for me to show up with a nose piercing will be a shock to many (My parents being among the biggest, I am sure), but I can't wait to get it done! When it is done, I will know I have won the battle! God will be the ruler of my heart and food will be in submission! What a day that will be! :)

Over a year later, I am 1/4 of the way there! There has been a LOT of yo-yoing in that year, but I feel God breaking the grip food has on me, and I am excited! Actually, I am excited about a lot of things in life right now! I am finally learning to listen to that still small voice instead of all the other voices shouting at me in this world! And it is amazing the Wisdom in that still small voice! :)

I love it when He does that!

I love it when God encourages and speaks to me in my morning time with Him in such a real and tangible way! It is like he is sitting right next to me drinking His cup of coffee and looking over my shoulder saying, "That one right there! That is the verse you need to apply to that situation! That is what I have to say about that! Go back, read that again!" What a personal Savior we serve! Do you know Him? Have you walked away from Him? Go back!!!! No matter where you are in life, He wants to sit and have coffee with you! Not to criticize or to point out your sin, but to love and encourage you just like He did me this morning!

As I mentioned in my last post, there are some, the number seems to be growing, who are literally out to destroy me - Addy's Hope as an organization and me personally. Two years ago, they would be successful in their attempts that they have done, but today, I know where my identity is, and it is NOT in them! :)

But even more than just "sticks and stones may break my bones" thinking, God showed me in His word this morning what He thinks about what these people are doing who call themselves His children. See the work I am doing with Addy's Hope is NOT mine! It is God's! I am just the fortunate vessel that gets to be used to see God's hand at work! So when they attack, they attack God, not me.

Whether they call licensing, whether someone accuses me of child trafficking (that was from January 2008 and nearly did destroy me!), whether they question my motives, whether they look at our finances, whatever they want to call attention to, God showed me this morning what He thinks of that.

John 3: 20 "For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But he who practices the truth comes to the Light, so that his deeds may be manifested as having been wrought in God."

If you investigate our past, my past (whether that applies to personal life or Addy's Hope) you will find mistakes! You will find things that should have been done differently. I am not perfect! This is especially true in the early years of Addy's Hope. Did we do anything illegal, no. Did we do things perfectly, no! I have always said we are a perfect example of God taking the totally ignorant and equipping them! When we started Addy's Hope 5 years ago, we didn't have a clue what we were doing! Not a clue! All we knew was God said, "GO!" and we said, "YES!" We were totally reliant on God for each step of the way. Sometimes we took a wrong turn and didn't do things the best way. But we have always sought to do things God's way! And that is what this verse is about!

Those who want to hurl accusations and attacks, bring it on! Because according to John 3:21, when you practice truth, your deeds will be manifested as having been wrought in God! I LOVE IT! We have always walked in truth! So come investigate! Tear our work apart! I have no fear of light, exposure, investigations (John 3:20) because I have NO fear of my deeds being exposed because I have always done my best to walk according to the Light! You will find mistakes as we are not perfect, but you will find no deeds deserving of the attacks these are launching.

I understand these people are bitter because they didn't get their child! I understand those feelings! Been there! Done that! Got the scars! Got the debt (that is a post for another time!)! But when we lost Eden due to true negligence and deceit we were very careful to walk in the Light then as well! We didn't publicly in anyway demoralize the organization and especially not the person! When asked about our adoption, we told the truth! We looked into what could be done to hold the agency accountable (not much!) and did those things. When asked what agency we used, we told. But we were very careful to handle it in the way we felt God would be honored and approve. So I know that even in the pain felt by these people hurling the insults, there is a higher road to take! I've walked it!

I know God has done a great work in my heart! When Eden's adoption failed 4 years ago, I had to work at not being bitter and forgiving those who caused me the pain. But today, well, I don't have to work at it. Is there anger, a little, at times. Mainly when I am already down and satan uses that as a jab! (which goes along with John 3:19 that says these works are evil....satan uses evil works to discourage the work of Jesus among His people...plus the main ones right now are doing everything "anonymously" which is NOT walkign in the Light! In the Light, all is exposed, most certainly your identity) But more than any other feeling is sorrow. Sorrow that people who claim to walk according to the Light would participate in such dark actions. People who claim to be children of God would act in such a manner only shows that they have no clue about the cross and the Savior they say they accepted as Lord. Sorrow that they walk in such bitterness instead of the joy that is supposed to be ours as Christ Followers.

So today as I go to work...a job that will not bring a paycheck this month because Addy's Hope is broke...I thank God that my work in Addy's Hope...even in the criticisms...has brought Proverbs 4:13-15 to life for me: "How blessed is the man who finds wisdom and the man who gains understanding. For her profit is better than the profit of silver and her gain better than fine gold. She is more precious than jewels; and nothing you desire compares with her."

We haven't gotten rich off Addy's Hope. In fact, just recently we have gone into debt a great deal because of it. But I have gained more wisdom and understanding of God's word and His truths than I could have ever imagined! And that my friends is a jewel that nothing I desire compares with!

Praying you have a day full of God's Light and Truth that encourages you to keep walking in Him as it has me today! Be blessed!

It aint easy!

Yesterday when I shared with a friend what I was doing, she responded with something like, "Man those arrows keep coming at you, don't they?" Yes, they do! But I am hoping my attitude about those arrows is a little better than it has been in the recent past. Let me explain.

Today's lesson in A Call to Die is "The Risk of Grace". Nasser says: "Far too many of us are content with being comfortable in our faith. As long as Jesus doesn't ask too much of us, as long as we get enough good feelings, as long as it's fun to be a Christian, as long as nobody turns up their nose at us when they find out we believe, we hang in there. But that perspective is phony Christianity. It's not the real thing." Man can I relate! As I am sure you can too!

Nasser goes on to talk about Moses. God has used this man to encourage and spur me on in the battle in Liberia for almost two years. From the beginning, the people that Moses was trying to free turned on him. They were choosing slavery over freedom because it was hard. Pharaoh laughed at him that such a common man would even try to tell the most powerful king what to do. I don't need anybody laughing at me, I feel that way on my own about my government work.

I have said for some time now that the hardest part of my job is not the governments, but the people that I serve who are adopting. Not all of them! God has sent me some amazing families who are dear friends because of the journey we have taken on this crazy roller coaster. When you deal with something as personal as people's children, emotions run high! My black and white world has been rocked with the view of many Christians that believe in an adoption at all costs mentality! My stance for ethical and legal adoptions has turned some families away.

Yesterday we had a meeting with our licensing agent for Texas Child Placing Agencies. We have been in communication with licensing since we started in October 2005. At that time they would not even discuss licensing with us because we were a international only agency. But we have stayed in contact with them. Over the past two years as Hague has been implemented and new regulations gone into place, we have been in constant communication to insure that we were doing what we needed to in order to be in compliance. We need the money to pay the salary of a CPA Administrator in order to be licensed. That is the only thing we need. Well, that and a person who fits the qualifications that is willing to take a risk with us! And just finding someone who meets the qualifications has been an insurmountable task! But we have never quit looking or working toward licensing, and our amazing licensing rep, Becky, knows that.


The meeting yesterday was because "someone" (its confidential) filed a report on us. As I told John, I don't want to know who it is because as long as it's just "a report" I don't hold as much resentment. If I knew "the person" it would be much more personal to me and would be harder to work through - like Moses and the Israelites! But from the beginning when Becky called and said she needed to come meet with us, I had peace! Now, if you know me, you know that is a God thing! I am a rule follower to the max! So the prospect of possibly getting in trouble with the state would send me over the edge, but it didn't! And THAT folks is the reason why I am such a stickler about how we operate in adoptions! If you do everything to the best of your ability and don't allow illegal or unethical activities, then you don't have to be afraid of state visits!

John and I were determined from the beginning to turn what someone meant for evil into something good for God. And He has! We were able to talk with Becky about CPA Administrators (anyone know someone with a masters in TX who has experience with any type of child placing agency or emergency shelter, etc???? that needs some extra money for a contractual position??!!!). We also talked about the need here in Texas and what we could do to help the overloaded system. Our region still is short on foster families and have to send kids to other parts of TX because we don't have enough foster families. On top of that, I would venture to say that a high percentage of the foster families we do have are in it for the wrong reasons. Texas children need help and Becky shared with us how we can do that once we have our CPA Admin! She also said we do NOT have to have a fence around our pool as long as we have locked gates on our backyard and a lock and alarm on our backdoor! That means we could be licensed for foster/adoption! But I still wonder if I (or the kids) could handle a baby leaving us. Is this the right time? But definitely nice to know that one more obstacle has been removed!

As I read again about Moses and the people he was called to free, I was reminded that they didn't thank him or tell him "good job". They grumbled and told him they wanted to go back to captivity. That was the thanks Moses received. I feel like Moses many days! And like Moses, I have to run back to Who called me to this to ask for help and get my satisfaction and worth. I don't consider myself a people pleaser, but at the same time, I am very aware of how people see me because I believe as a Christian, we need to be. We are to be a light to the world and a light in the darkness. But being a light doesn't mean letting people walk all over you "in the name of Jesus" or allow those who disagree with you to derail you from your path.

I am learning many lessons through this season of my life. I pray I keep them as I don't want to revisit any of them! :)

A Call to Die - Day 14

Today's title was "Too Full to Eat?" Wasn't sure what type of lesson that would be! Had me a little perplexed, but within the first paragraph, I knew that this lesson was just for me right now!

What Nasser is getting at is that we have two tables to which we can pull up our chair and feast: God's and the world. If we fill up on the world before coming to God's table, then we are too full to eat the good "food" that God provides. And likewise, if we fill up at God's table, then we are too full to eat the junk offered by the world.

Anyone who has known me for any amount of time knows that I openly share my food addiction. My early years were filled with excuses as to why I am overweight. I would blame a medical condition or that I "just can't lose weight". But the truth of the matter is, I eat more than I consume or I wouldn't be overweight. But even with that realization and facing that truth head on for the past five or so years, I still battle my food addiction.

That is why during this 40 days of A Call to Die, I am doing the modified Daniel Fast. I need to break the hold food has on me. I need to learn to eat at the banquet table of God first!

I LOVE how God teaches so many spiritual truths to me in my physical world so I can really understand what He wants from me. As I read today's lesson, I knew that so many times I fill up on the "world" and that leaves me empty, but not hungry. Leaves me dissatisfied, but full so that I don't look to God for the water that will make me never thirst again or the food that will fill me so I will never be hungry.

I related it to the fast...since I am fasting from sugar, my taste buds have changed. Where grapes of an apple usually just seem like a healthy snack, now they meet the need of a sweet tooth! They taste so much sweeter now than when my mouth is used to eating all that sugar. Sugar waters down the natural sweetness of the fruit. Yesterday I made a cake to take to our small group. I had a really bad sweet tooth yesterday. But instead of taking in all the sugar in a cake or brownie, I picked up an oat bar that had only fruit and cane juice to sweeten it. Was it as sweet as the cake would have been? No where close! In fact, the kids don't like it at all because it tastes bland to them! But to me who is 20 days into no sugar, (yes I'm on day 14, but day 20 of the fast as I didn't do some lessons on the days I was sick...so numbers will be off!) that oat bar satisfied.

The same is true of God's Word! When I eat the junk of the world, it waters down the sweetness of God. Yes, food really does provide for me an immediate comfort, an immediate satisfaction. That is true. However, as soon as that last bite leaves my mouth, I want more and feel emptier than when I first ate! But God's Truth leaves me satisfied for the long haul! It may not provide an immediate satisfaction as I have to ponder it, memorize it, meditate on it, and often even sit and listen time and time again before God reveals to me all He wants to about a morsel from His Word. But in the long run, in the bigger pictures, it is so much more satisfying that anything this world has to offer me!

Yet, I still find myself "elbowing" as Nasser says my way into the world to make sure I get my "share" of what it has to offer instead of walking right past that table to sit with my Heavenly Father at His feast and drinking in all He is and wants for me. I plan to change that practice! I want God's food! I don't want the junk this world has to offer. The few times in my life that I have chosen to bypass the world to sit with God at His table, I have found that I am viewed as a "radical", a "Jesus Freak". That would make me pull back and reevaluate myself. Not that I mind being a "Jesus Freak" or a "radical", but these comments when made by other Christians have made me think I was going too far in my views. But what God is teaching me is that in this world, a world that has feasted way to long on the food the enemy pours into us, even most Christians don't know the sweetness of His RADICAL Truth! Therefore, the only voice I must listen to is HIS! If He is well-pleased, then no one else matters! And when I surround myself with mature, wise Christians whom I have given permission to speak truth in love to keep me on track, then the other voices can fall by the wayside. I don't need to entertain every criticism that comes my way!

Oh what freedom comes in eating at God's table! Will you pull up a chair and eat with me? What junk have you been eating that makes God's banquet of pure and holy food look undesirable? Don't let it lead to guilt...that is from the enemy...he wants to keep you at his table! Instead, confess it, let God take it away and pull up a chair at His table! He will fill you!

Coming out from under the rock...

Since returning from Liberia, I have been hiding under a rock. I have still been working, taking care of family, etc, but I really didn't want to talk to anybody or share any thoughts. I have hated the question, "How was your trip?". (Anyone reading this who asked me that, please don't take offense or feel badly for asking...it is a very natural question!). But I don't know how to answer. You probably really don't want to hear how my trip was because that would take, oh, a day and a half to explain. Most of it is not real warm and fuzzy like you expect a mission trip to be. Add to that the personally challenges and battles that hit me square in the face upon coming home and you have me, hiding under a rock because it is the only place I know to go!

But under that rock I have been doing a ton of reading! I know God doesn't want me under a rock..I am supposed to be a light shining on a hill for Him, not a toad under a rock! But when I would think on that, it would just bring more guilt, so I just chose to quit thinking.

I won't go into all details here as they are too personal to share on such a public forum. But for the second time in my life I tried to walk away from God. I tried to take my fire insurance and leave. Last time I tried that was when I came home without Eden from Sierra Leone. That lasted about a week and a half. This time it lasted about...oh...two days! I just don't know how people run from God! As hard as I tried, He was always right there in front of me saying, "Really? This is really the way you want to go? You really want to believe those lies floating through your head? You know My way is the best way...even when it hurts and is tough!" And when I wanted to ignore that voice in my head, my dadgum (never wrote that before...have no clue if it is even a word, but that's how I'd spell it if it were!) spiritual husband telling me the truths I knew but really didn't want to hear!

So over the course of the next few days, I am going to post some of the quotes from the books as well as the many lessons God is teaching me right now. As John said as I was sharing some with him, "God is really kicking your tail right now, isn't He?!" Yes, He is!!! And I am grateful for the tail kicking! I am in need of it!

I have lost count of the days of my fast. I will stick to the fast until I finish A Call to Die. It is 40 days, but since there have been a couple of days that I haven't done the lessons, this may end up being a 60 day fast! Great motivation to do the lessons every day!

The fast has truly been amazing! This is the first time I have fasted and really felt it had any spiritual impact. It has taken my focus off the two things that compete with God the most in my life: food and things. And the most incredible thing is that the draw of these two idols is weakening! I can feel it! I don't really know how to describe it, but I can feel it! I have always thought women who said they "forgot" to eat a meal were nuts! I mean, come on, how do you "forget" to eat? Well, I don't know that I forget to eat, but many times I walk into the kitchen when I know I would have comforted myself with some tasty morsel in the past, and now, I just walk out. I don't even want to eat! Sometimes its because I don't want to eat the food I can eat: mainly fruit, nuts or cheese. But sometimes it really is because food has no hold on me...my body isn't needing food, so I walk out! Freedom! I can taste it! And BOY does it taste good! :)

A lesson I learned just this week, well I didn't really "learn" it, but God reinforced it this week. I have had a horrible sinus infection for the past almost three weeks. You know mommy can't be sick! Well, this one has been horrible enough that is has knocked me on my tail where mommy had to be sick! (Side note: if you have e-mailed me or called and I haven't returned it, this is why! Sorry! Praying I will be back to health this week!) So those days that I just felt like a truck had run over me, I went off the fast. I mean, surely God doesn't expect me to be sick *and* not eat any comforting foods, or even just have to try to come up with something to eat on a menu that takes some creativity when I don't even fell like lifting my head. This week, I learned, yes in fact, He does expect that! He gently reminded me that obedience is required NO MATTER WHAT! Sick, healthy, rich, poor, frustrated, happy, joyful, sad...it doesn't matter my "mood"! Obedience is always required and expected. Kind of like me with my children! :) Yes, I give them a break if they are a little cranky because they don't feel well, but they still have to follow rules and obey me when I give them a direction.

So no more going off the fast until I am finished with A Call to Die! I will walk in obedience..for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health forsaking all others as long as I shall live!

So I will leave you this morning with some sweet quotes from David Nasser in "A Call to Die". You really should read/do this if you never have! It would be a great activity for married couples or small groups! My friend Karen and I are doing it together! It definitely helps to know you have someone walking it with you....accountability is an amazing motivator!

• "It' much easier to be a nice Christian than a radical one." page 8
• "He [Jesus] doesn't take it for granted that you and I will be willing to follow him along his path of radical obedience to the Father. Jesus is no bully. He doesn't try to get us to pack our bags for a guilt trip. No, he simply offers that path with all its hardships and joys, and says, "If you want the greatest adventure life has to offer, here's what the ticket will cost you." Quite frankly, the vast majority of Christians look at the brochure and say, "No thanks. The price is too high. I"ll settle for something else." page 13
• "You and I will face excruciating moments, too when it seems God is asking too much and nobody is there for us....It is a call to die, a call to let your selfishness starve to death because you don't feed it. If it won't starve, we have to grab our selfishness by the throat and strangle it. Once again, remember we're talking spiritual, not physical issues. Because Satan is not gentle in dealing with us, we cannot be gentle in dealing with sin." page 17
• "When you and I feel insecure, we are more open to God speaking to our hearts." page 32
• "The call to die requires a will of steel to persevere and make those hard, thankless choices to honor God instead of serving selfish desires." page 41

Stop Child Trafficking Now!

Many of you know that I was accused of Child trafficking when we brought Toben and several other children home. I was outraged! When you read the date below, you will understand why! Child trafficking is a sick and disgusting business that must be stopped!

This is a very personal issue to me. I worry often of what will happen to Eden since she didn't get to come home! I also work in adoptions with integrity and high standard of ethics so to not even give the allusion of anything close to trafficking. So what I am posting here is dear to me...and therefore, Addy's Hope is getting involved! Please help us help them!!! We need you..donate....walk...whatever you can do! Right now we only have two people on the Addy's Hope team...Thomas and I are going to be really lonely if more don't walk with us...and we need donations to support us! Go here to donate to our walk or sign up to be a team member if you are in the Midland area! We need you!!!!

Walk or Donate

Bring awareness and an end to the trafficking of humans!


Stop Child Trafficking Now Walk
September 26, 2009
Midland, Texas
(check for a walk in your area by going to the SCTNow website!)
Grande Stadium Ballpark
Check-in time: 9:00AM to 10:00AM
Event: 10:00AM to 12:00PM


Go HERE
Register to Walk with the Addy's Hope Team and help us raise funds for SCTNow!
Donate online to any of our team members to help!
Tell your friends!



If any of you have followed Addy's Hope for anytime, you know our heart for children! God has grown that heart and stretched it over the years. We know have an opportunity to partner with an organization to Stop Child Trafficking Now!

In countries with uneducated officials and public, adoption and trafficking are often confused. The two could not be further apart. Adoption is what God has done for us. He brought us into His family to love, protect and care for us. This is what adoptive families do for children they adopt. However, child trafficking is the recruitment, smuggling, transporting, harboring, buying or selling of a child through force, threats, fraud, deception, or coercion for the purposes of exploitation, prostitution, pornography, migrant work, sweat shops, domestic servitude, forced labor, bondage, peonage or involuntary servitude.

Child trafficking is one f the fastest growing crimes in the world. UNICEF values the global market of child trafficking at over $12 billion a year with over 1.2 million child victims. Men, women and children are all victims but, the most vulnerable groups, those with limited rights or protections, have been the hardest hit....especially children.

Trafficking children into the sex industry is done because there is a demand. Predators seek out vulnerable victims and lure them under false pretenses into situations they cannot escape from. No matter the reason, the children have become sexual commodities to be bought and sold for the pleasure of exploiters. These children are scarred for life and need help - your help!

Stop Child Trafficking Now believes strongly that to eliminate this heinous crime the demand for children must end. That's why SCTNow seeks to destroy the source. SCTNow believes that by putting predators behind bars we can Stop Child Trafficking Now and Addy's Hope is going to help!

And the winner is....

I finally drew for the nativity set that I raffled off, and the winner is Nancy from Michigan! Congratulations, Nancy! And thank you to all who helped with Callie and my trip! It was wonderful. I still need to blog about her experience and the chimpanzee! Maybe this week! :)

For Debbie and Karen

Debbie posted a comment on my last post. It was a very honest and straightforward post. I like that. The only problem, Debbie, is that you don't know me. You make many assumptions in your comments that are not true, but part of being transparent on a public forum like a blog is that criticism such as yours from people who don't really understand/know your heart come.

I assure you that I am not just sitting back and saying God doesn't exist. If that were so, I would not be feeding 51 children with my own personal money as well as the many other things I am doing.

However, in Job that you quoted, Job does question! So I don't believe as you alluded that it is wrong to question at all! What would be wrong is to stay there. This is why I am fasting and praying...in order to not stay there.

Any Christian I know who has stretched themselves beyond themselves have had the same questions I have had. One of the reasons I share is because I don't believe enough Christians share their struggles. Most Christians in the churches I have been in put on their masks and tell everyone they are "fine" when they are really dying on the inside. I believe if more of us would be honest, and walk through these crisis of faith with each other in love without criticism and blame, more Christians would take more risks. But when you take a risk and find yourself in unknown water, there usually is not another brother or sister to walk with you because that would mean they would have to admit they had a weakness too...not many are willing to do that.

If one person can relate to what I have written and continue on in a walk with God because they know they are not alone in their struggles, then putting myself out there to be criticized is worth it.

And, Debbie, you hit the nail on the head with one of your comments....you alluded to people being the ones to not do things. To that I say, AMEN! If more "Christians" were doing more, we wouldn't have orphans, or poverty or many other things...at least not nearly to the extent that the world does right now! So if you are reading this and haven't done something to help someone less fortunate than yourself in the last month, I challenge you to do something...serve at a soup kitchen, donate food to a food bank (and not just the stuff that you won't eat..have your family skip a meal and donate that meal to the food bank!), donate to an organization that feeds orphans (I could put you in touch with a really good one! hint!hint!), or just take a sack of groceries to the door step of a family that you know is in need. If we would all do just a little bit....we would impact the world for Christ....

and despite what my latest posts have said, that is truly the heartbeat of my life, and those who truly know me and know the struggles that are in my life right now, know that...I am just being stretched right now....and being stretched is always painful and difficult!

Karen, thank you for understanding, relating and being willing to put yourself out there too (Crissy too!). You ladies are dear to me! And Karen, YES, let's do it together! Burdens are always lighter when divided among friends...and this is why I love the Body of Christ!

A Call to Die - Re-entry processing Part 1

*Warning - you are about to enter my thought process on re-entering American culture after a trip to Liberia...read at your own risk! :) And please don't judge my grammar or punctuation as this really is my thought stream! *

I am back from Liberia. Callie and I got in on Thursday night. She was amazing! There are no "aha" moments of life change for her, but you can't help but be changed after being there and seeing what she saw. She was right at home! No running water much of the time, no air conditioning, raining almost 24/7, stuck inside with 51 kids, and she never complained! I had to stop and remind myself that this was not her first time there as she was just so at home there and with the kids! I have an amazing daughter!!! She taught the kids to sing, "That's the way, aha, aha, I like it, aha, aha!" She did some funky dance/walk thing with it, so by the end of the week, I had 51 kids and several staff walking around doing a funky dance/walk singing the same song! It was priceless!

There are many funny stories,but the overwhelming need just keeps me from sharing those right now. The need to process the trip. It wasn't a stressful trip, in fact, compared to my other trips where we have worked the whole time to get clearance only minutes before take off, it was a very restful trip. However, the overwhelming need is still there! Adoptions still aren't open. That means money isn't flowing. That means staff haven't been paid, but are working because they believe in what we are doing for the children. It means the food we bought while we were there was bought with personal money because all the agency money was gone. I just sit and shake my head at all that needs to be done in Liberia knowing that I serve a God who owns the cattle on a thousand hills! I just need a couple of cows to feed my "sheep", yet I have none.

Those things along with some personal issues we have been dealing with has brought me once again to a crisis of faith in my life. Who is God? Is He real? Does He mean what He says? I believe when you come to a place like this, you have to just get real and get with God! You see, I "know" the right answers! If you sit and tell me that God is good all the time, He never leaves us or forsakes us, He only has my best interest at heart, I know all that...but when the rubber doesn't seem to meet the road, you have a crisis of faith.

So what do I do in a crisis of faith? I get before God like never before. As I traveled home, I begged God to answer many questions. Silence. I begged Him to show me how to go on, how to move forward, how to deal with the personal crisis and help the people of Liberia. Silence. Then I asked Him what He wanted from me, "Seek me!".

I read a book 4 or 5 years ago. It is called A Call to Die by David Nasser. When I read it before, I was literally unable to fast from food because I just couldn't do it. I would try, and by noon, I was done with my fast! So when I read it last time, I fasted from day time tv of any kind. It was a good time with God.

Several months ago, I did the Daniel Fast for 21 days. It was a great experience and gave me great confidence in my ability to carry out the spiritual discipline of fasting. But I haven't done any fasting since. I didn't grow up knowing about fasting, so it is kind of a new concept. When I did the Daniel fast last time, any spiritual implications kind of alluded me. But over the past month, I have just felt a heaviness....a need to seek God like never before...to dive deep for answers to questions that no one can answer for me, but God...to see Him real and in ways I never have...to know in my heart, not just my head, that He is good all the time and will never leave me or forsake me.

You see, what I see right now, just doesn't say that, and what I see in my past many times does not either. When in Liberia, I was crying out for God to provide for our ministry. I was reading 2 Corinthians under the direction of the Holy Spirit. Chapter 9 verse 6-10 just struck me as if someone had orally said them to me. They speak of when you sow sparingly you will reap sparingly, and when you sow bountifully you will reap bountifully. I thought about John and I personally. We haven't sowed as bountifully in the past as we should have with the blessings we have received, but we are both changing that! I can say that currently, we are doing much better at sharing our blessings with others. Then I thought about Addy's Hope. We have always been a VERY generous organization! When we have books, we share, when we had money before adoptions shut down, we started providing scholarships. Addy's Hope has always cared for as many as possible...not just the adoption workers and children.

Then verse 8 should be true: "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed." Hmmmmm, isn't caring for children in an impoverished country a good deed? Isn't sharing the love of Jesus with people in a village a good deed? Isn't teaching women how to help other women give birth safely in a country that is number 2 or 3 (depending n which study you look at) in birth death rate a good deed? Then why is God not supplying an abundance and why do we not have sufficiency in everything? Is it because of sin? I'm sure it could be, I am an imperfect sinner in need of my Savior's grace everyday! But I know and God knows that my number one desire in all that I do is to walk in obedience and bring Him glory. I miss the mark many times as is pointed out often by the people I serve, but that is my number one desire.

Then verse 10 really hit home: "Now He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness." I got really excited! I started thinking of all that we can do when the seed for sowing comes in! But it hasn't come yet....we don't have an abundance, in fact, we barely have enough.

So that makes me start questioning the whole "Does God really exist or is this just some bad joke?" question. That may be offensive to some of you, but I don't apologize. It is just a woman who wants to follow God with all her heart sharing where she is right now in the midst of some really hard life stuff! If this verse isn't true right now, is it ever true? And if this isn't true, is anything in scripture true? And this is when you have to stop, take your thoughts captive and seek God like never before for the answers that no person can supply for you!

I picked up "A Call to Die" from my shelf and resolved to do the Daniel fast for 40 days. I want God more than food, and I want to be so focused on God that nothing gets in the way of me hearing what He needs to tell me! As I read Nassar's description of what "deny yourself" means: "to deny it [our selfish interests] means: don't feed it. Identify the source of food for your selfishness, and stray away from those things!", I decided I am also fasting from buying anything that is not necessary....necessary means something the kids need for school, food, or household items to keep it running. But clothes, decorations crafting materials, etc are not necessities and thus are part of the fast. I tend to come home from these trips when things are tough and I don't see a way to meet the needs that face me in Liberia and want to turn my back, forget it all and jump head long into American culture! I didn't used to be that way, but the more I try to help and the more obstacles I face, the more I want to just run!

But I know that isn't the answer. So fast it will be! I know following Christ is a call to die..I was even reminded of that in the sermon yesterday! I have a works background that I know is effecting something core in me that is keeping me bound up, so I will seek what that is, and I will kill it! For the only thing I want alive in my is the heart that longs to obey God...no matter how hard and no matter the cost!

Here is how Nassar put it: "But before we get to the cross, let's understand some things. Jesus begins this statement with a tiny but important word: if. He doesn't take it for granted that you and I will be willing to follow him along his path of radical obedience to the Father."

This is radical! But I am tired of fighting the same fleshy issues over and over as God calls me to a higher walk! "It is a call to die, a call to let your selfishness starve to death because you don't feed it. If it won't starve, we have to grab our selfishness by the throat and strangle it....because Satan is not gentle in dealing with us, we cannot be gentle in dealing with sin." I think I have been playing patty cake too long with some issues in my life. It's time to get it by the throat and strangle these issues once and for all!

Same song 6th verse!

On my way! Trip 6 to Liberia! I am sitting in Brussels airport watching my daughter sleep wondering what the next few days will bring about in her life as God uses the people of Liberia to impress on Callie a world so much different than her own!

Probably will not have internet acces in Liberia much if at all. So no updates this trip like normal. But we are in our new orphanage....so when I get back, I will share lots of pictures...I imagine Kami has already put up a bunch....click on the Orphanage Project button n the right to check and see! I have only seen a few, but what I have seen is amazing!!!!

Will send pics and updates when I can!

They say the darndest things..

John's parents were so gracious to come watch our kids so we could go to dinner and a movie. We don't remember the last movie we saw together! It was a wonderful evening!

When we were leaving, telling the kids bye, threatening the boys with in an inch of their life to behave, Ava asked where we were going. John responded, "We are going to go kiss." Then Callie says, "Go make a baby!" Well, isn't that lovely in front of the in-laws! Needless to say, I was speechless!

Blessings

Callie and I are headed to Liberia! We don't have the full amount....about $4,000 short, but John and I both believe I need to be there, so we booked the flight and are waiting and trusting God for the rest!

We didn't book until Wednesday, so that kind of sent me in a scurry thinking of leaving...with Callie...in a week! So on Friday we went to Goodwill to look for some skirts and cool shirts...especially for Callie since she mainly has knit and denim capris that would be really hot!

Well, we ran into an old friend from Garden City at Goodwill. We had a basket full of stuff as we ran across tons of kids chapter books in series (like Babysitters Club, Goosebumps, etc). I sale those on Ebay and make good money back, so we bought them to sale to help make money for the trip. We start talking to our friend Renee and end up in line behind her. When the lady tells her the total for her purchase, Renee tells her to keep ringing us up! I was floored! She paid for all of our purchase as well as giving us some cash for "airport snacks". It was such a blessing and encouragement on a day that had been filled with battles starting at 5:00 am with a phone call from Liberia! God gave me a shot of encouragement just when I needed it and it was such a promise that He will provide! It was amazing!

So thank you, Renee, for blessing our socks off! And thank you God for perfect timing that encourages and restores!

Darkness

I have shared before about my struggle with depression. I have had some times the last few months when I felt I was really headed out of the darkness...at one point, I even told John that I hadn't realized how much darkness had encompassed me until I began to come into the light. But most recently through multiple issues/events, I felt myself slipping back into the pit. Many authors describe depression well as a pit of darkness. As you begin to slip into depression it is as if you are clinging to the side of a slippery wall that you know as you fall will find you deep in the depths of darkness and despair that feels as if it will never end. Sometimes you feel like no matter what you do, your fingers can't grip the edge, your finger nails only make grooves as you slip further and further down. Depression is kind of like other things in life that if you haven't experienced it, you really can't understand it. I know for me, before depression hit my life, I didn't understand why people couldn't just pull themselves up by the boot straps and get happy. Now I understand why. But I also know that you can fight depression, you can fight to get back on top where the light is, or you can wallow in the pit and believe all the lies and stay in a state of despair.

I was reading I John this morning at the prompting of the Holy Spirit. Once again, I read a scripture that I have read many times and in fact have it underlined for a different reason...but this morning, it had all new meaning as the Holy Spirit spoke to me about depression and darkness. It was a hard lesson. It was a convicting lesson, but I believe it is a valuable one!

I John 1: 5-6 says, "This is the message we have heard from him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth."

OUCH! So for me to walk in darkness is to not practice truth and is a lie if I say I am in Him! And now, sharing this on a public forum, I have accountability because I can no longer plead ignorance! :)

I have always read "darkness" in this verse as sin, but as I read this morning, I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me that this applies to the darkness of depression also. Depression keeps me disabled. It keeps me paralyzed...which in a sense keeps me working for the enemy! As long as he can keep me paralyzed and walking in darkness, I am not effective for the kingdom.

I don't have this all figured out yet because I know in the past there have been days that I couldn't pull myself out of the darkness no matter how much I tried...even fighting the battles I believe that when you suffer from something like depression, it is vital to have prayer warriors who can pull you out when you can't climb out on your own. I have amazing friends that God will lay me on their heart when I need prayer. Twice in the last week, I have literally felt the prayers lift me out of darkness. One day, I came out of it, but yesterday, well, I made a choice, a bad choice, I stayed in the pit. I wish I understood all of this better to know why at those moments I choose to believe lies and stay in the pit! I know part of it is that I just get tired of fighting battles and when I give in to the pit, the battle stops. I'm sure it doesn't stop in the heavens, but for me, in my mind, it stops. I am sad, I am down, I am angry, but I am not battling. I fight so many battles in my ministry and my home that when the battles inside me start, sometimes I just lay down and let the enemy walk all over me.

I hate that about myself! I hate my weakness! When I read in Acts 21 where Paul's friends are telling him that if he continues on his journey, he will be bound and delivered to his enemies Paul responds, "What are you doing, weeping and breaking my heart? For I am ready not only to be bound, but even t die at Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus." Oh how I wish I had that maturity and dedication...that even when I KNOW I am going to suffer heartache and pain, I still walk strongly into what I am called to. And maybe I do actually...I think God gives me strength to do the hard things I need to do in the ministry he has given me both as a wife, mom and adoption/child relief advocate, but when the tough times come...the children act out, the husband doesn't meet my needs, the adoptive parents attack, the government puts a halt on adoptions, false accusations against me run rampant....that is when I slink back. I lose the strength. I let those things get to me instead of standing on TRUTH!

Oh I have so much to learn in this life! Today my prayer is that no matter what today brings, I will walk in The Light and bask in His goodness...because no matter what my day brings, He is good and He loves me more than I can ever imagine! And to believe anything else is to break the heart of the One who broke His body for me on the cross!

I love this boy!

I had one of those wonderful moments with Noah last night where I want to stop time! Callie was spending the night at a friend's house, so we let Noah stay up late. Little ones were in bed, John was watching TV in our room, and I was laying on the couch watching the DVR of the final Batchelorette. Noah would come in off and on to cuddle with me. During a couple of those cuddle sessions, this is was the conversation:

Noah: "So when I am 77, how old will you be? (NO pause here) Oh, yeah, you will be dead."

Me: "Thanks, buddy!"

Second conversation occurred after the poor Bachelor that wasn't picked was giving his speech in the limo as it takes him to the airport. He is looking at the ring he didn't get to put on Jillian's finger....

Noah: "Did she tell him no?"

Me: "Yep, he got turned down."

Noah: "Well, I would take the ring back and get my $100 back!"

How much?

Is it ever ok to just tell God you can't do it? Is it ok to tell him you have taken all the stones from fellow Christians you can take with out literally laying down and dying? When asked what is the hardest part of my job...it wouldn't be the governments...I can deal with them, it is fellow Christians who think they have it all together and cast stones at me for the work I do in caring for the children in Liberia.

Some of those people read my blog...I'm sure they will take great pleasure in my defeat! They can be proud to know the enemy has used them well!

My goods!

So several people have asked for pictures of what I am selling at the "famer's" market. I guess I should have put the disclaimer that they sell hand made products at our "farmer's" market! I have a container garden, but if we had to wait to raise money for our trip from what I could sale out of that garden, we would make it to Liberia in 2020..maybe!

So here is what I had at the booth Saturday. We made $85. We are just $3,000 away from being able to book our tickets. I am listing things on Craigslist and considering ebay, but that is a lot of work and they take a good junk of it..thinking my time might be better spent on ther fund raising ideas!

The Internal Struggle

I had a day last week that hadn't occurred in awhile....in fact, kind of took me back and rocked my world!

This post is not meant to offend anyone, and I pray that all readers read it with the heart it is written. This is my internal struggle...it represents a very real battle between two sets of women as well, but this is what the battle means to me, a working-stay-at-home-mom!

John swears that I told him on the first date that I would stay home when I had kids and if he wasn't ok with that we might as well end it now! I don't remember putting it quite that strongly, but certainly, those were my beliefs! When we embarked on parenting, we were pregnant before our fist anniversary. I was elated, John was scared to death! :) I was due in June, so the timing was perfect! I would finish teaching that year and then quit to be full time mommy! We had many "discussions" during this time as John was still not sold on the whole woman staying at home thing, and on paper, we would not survive! (That is a whole other post with in itself!) However, in January, we lost that baby to a miscarriage. So the plans for the next year were up in the air. I still wanted to quit as I was pregnant again in three months with Callie who was due in January. But teachers received the first major raise that would bring them up to semi-well paid in Texas (now they are well paid - the legislatures have done well!). I would receive a $6,000 raise that year. So John was sure I needed to work that year. Being the submissive wife that I was (you laugh, but really, it was true!), I worked that year. That meant that Callie would be in daycare for about three months while I finished out the school year. We had a daycare at my school, so she was on campus with me. That was great, but even with that, it only lasted one week before I pulled her out and my mom kept her. I survived those three months knowing that I would be home with her for the rest of her time home. It was hard, and I threatened to quit about every other day, but I stuck it out.

God would bless us with a principal job for John. We moved to Cotton Center, and I got to stay home! It was harder than I thought! I didn't miss teaching, but I did miss people! It was a huge adjustment! I loved it, and would never have thought of going to work, but it was harder than I had anticipated.

I really don't remember why, but somehow John talked me into working just two days a week as the music teacher at the school. I think it was just because we felt there needed to be more fine arts offered at our little school. It was only two days a week, and the kids loved going to Ms. Cindy's daycare that was right next door to us (in the only building between our house and the school!). Callie was 2 and Noah was one. I can remember struggling with my identity! Even though it was only part time, I didn't feel like I could tell people I was a stay-at-home mom now. That really bothered me! I rationalized that even stay at home moms put their children in Mother's Day Out for 2 days a week, so I was still within stay-at-home-mom limits for being away from my kids.

We would move to Garden City, and it wasn't long before I was teaching those two days a week again. Did that for two years, keeping it up even after we moved to Midland. Callie was in Kinder and Noah would go to Ms. Shay's who did a wonderful job in her home with the kids! It was a great situation!

After Miss Ava came along, I really did not have a need to work. God had blessed us financially and there was not a need. Really, that time was probably my best as a mom! I had finally learned to truly enjoy my children. I had found a balance between keeping the house clean and being there for my kids. I spent lots of time with my dear friend Andrea as we have kids about the same age and were both pregnant! It was a blast!

Shortly after Ava was born, the agency went from 2 families to 20 literally over night! It was crazy! Obviously, it started taking more and more time. It was still a voluntary position, so there was not even the financial benefit of being away from my kids and not tending to the needs of my house. Over a year later, we did finally accept a salary of just enough to hire a house keeper to take that burden off of me as the agency took more and more time.

Now, even with adoptions on hold, the agencies takes 20-40 hours a week. We have moved the office out of the house as we needed boundaries! The agency had taken over our lives and dictated our schedule. That was a little upside down, so having an office really helped that!

But I still refuse to put my kids in daycare! I often wonder if I am just banging my head against the wall or if this is really the way God wants it! I firmly believe that if you have kids, you should raise them....that is why mine are not in daycare. I have always said (maybe it was just a rationalization and a way to make my guilt go away) that working part time was fine, I just always made sure the kids were with me more than they were with someone else. So that is how I became a working-stay-at-home mom! Ava and Toben go to Mother's Day Out two days a week. The other three days of the week, they go to the office with me in the morning and then we come home for naps and I work from home on anything else that needs done with the agency. Making important phone calls with a 3 and 4 year old screaming at each other can be very challenging! Many times I wonder why in the world I don't just put them in daycare! One big answer to that is that we can't afford it! I would be paying to work with what my salary is! That is just silly! But more important than the money is that I know I have them for such a short time, especially Toben since I missed out on the first three years. I can remember Callie's first day of kindergarden. The one thing that struck me more than anything that day was gratitude that I had stayed home with her!

So last week I had one of those days where I wanted to shut it all down and be a full time stay at home mom! I had so much guilt over things not done here at home because there is just not enough of me to go around. I had worked full time the week before because John was off, so he could keep the kids. Callie had thrown a fit about that! She was still laying the guilt on last week about me being gone so much the week before. I want another baby really badly, but I can't imagine adding a child to our already stretched schedules and daily life! ....but if I was home full time....well, then I could do it easily!

So the internal struggle began again! I battle being a working mom. My identity was always to be a stay-at-home mom. I am jealous of my friends who stay home with no agency to run. This isn't a financial decision as God has always replaced any salary I have had when we decided I would quit working to be home. It is more of a "what do you want from me, God?" question. When I have those days, I hear the voices saying you have your whole life to save other children, you only have 18 years to save yours! But then I see stats on children... 143 million orphans in the world...6,000 children in the Texas system are relinquished and ready to be adpoted with no prospective adoptive parnets, while hundreds of adptive parents wait for referrals from the system...the system has to be fixed....and I think I have to do more!

And so the internal struggle continues! To work or not to work, that is the question! As the rest of my week went, I am guessing God is not going to let me out of this soon, and the answer is in finding balance to do it all and do it all well....not perfect, but well!

So on this Monday morning with my to do list in front of me, I will press on toward the goal set before me!

Peddling my goods!

I am busy as a beaver making scripture canvases and crosses for the farmer's market in the morning. I am still trying to raise the funds for Callie and my trip to Liberia. We are having to postpone it as we don't have the $5,000 + to book the tickets and John and I cannot afford to charge it since we have spent thousands already just keeping our Liberian staff paid (well before we ran out of money too last month) and keeping the kids fed.

So we are having to fully trust God for His perfect timing to provide the necessary money. We have had some very generous donors, and I am very grateful to all of you! If you have ordered t-shirt, I am working on getting the additional information you requested and will get those ordered next week!

If you are in my area, come check out the Farmer's Market tomorrow morning! It is really a neat thing...there is also a couple (he is from Uganda) that have necklaces, sandals and different items from Uganda! Come see me!