1/4 of the way there!

I posted this on June 20, 2008
When I lose my weight, I am going to pierce my nose! Why you ask? See post below! When I lose 100 pounds, it will mean that God has taken his rightful place on the throne of my heart....food will be forever overthrown! It will be an outward symbol of an inward commitment, a change from the inside out! Just like I wear my wedding ring to show I am committed to John, the nose stud will be to show that God owns my heart, I am fully committed to Him and have conquered my addiction to food! It will be extreme! :) I have been called a prude many times! So for me to show up with a nose piercing will be a shock to many (My parents being among the biggest, I am sure), but I can't wait to get it done! When it is done, I will know I have won the battle! God will be the ruler of my heart and food will be in submission! What a day that will be! :)

Over a year later, I am 1/4 of the way there! There has been a LOT of yo-yoing in that year, but I feel God breaking the grip food has on me, and I am excited! Actually, I am excited about a lot of things in life right now! I am finally learning to listen to that still small voice instead of all the other voices shouting at me in this world! And it is amazing the Wisdom in that still small voice! :)

I love it when He does that!

I love it when God encourages and speaks to me in my morning time with Him in such a real and tangible way! It is like he is sitting right next to me drinking His cup of coffee and looking over my shoulder saying, "That one right there! That is the verse you need to apply to that situation! That is what I have to say about that! Go back, read that again!" What a personal Savior we serve! Do you know Him? Have you walked away from Him? Go back!!!! No matter where you are in life, He wants to sit and have coffee with you! Not to criticize or to point out your sin, but to love and encourage you just like He did me this morning!

As I mentioned in my last post, there are some, the number seems to be growing, who are literally out to destroy me - Addy's Hope as an organization and me personally. Two years ago, they would be successful in their attempts that they have done, but today, I know where my identity is, and it is NOT in them! :)

But even more than just "sticks and stones may break my bones" thinking, God showed me in His word this morning what He thinks about what these people are doing who call themselves His children. See the work I am doing with Addy's Hope is NOT mine! It is God's! I am just the fortunate vessel that gets to be used to see God's hand at work! So when they attack, they attack God, not me.

Whether they call licensing, whether someone accuses me of child trafficking (that was from January 2008 and nearly did destroy me!), whether they question my motives, whether they look at our finances, whatever they want to call attention to, God showed me this morning what He thinks of that.

John 3: 20 "For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But he who practices the truth comes to the Light, so that his deeds may be manifested as having been wrought in God."

If you investigate our past, my past (whether that applies to personal life or Addy's Hope) you will find mistakes! You will find things that should have been done differently. I am not perfect! This is especially true in the early years of Addy's Hope. Did we do anything illegal, no. Did we do things perfectly, no! I have always said we are a perfect example of God taking the totally ignorant and equipping them! When we started Addy's Hope 5 years ago, we didn't have a clue what we were doing! Not a clue! All we knew was God said, "GO!" and we said, "YES!" We were totally reliant on God for each step of the way. Sometimes we took a wrong turn and didn't do things the best way. But we have always sought to do things God's way! And that is what this verse is about!

Those who want to hurl accusations and attacks, bring it on! Because according to John 3:21, when you practice truth, your deeds will be manifested as having been wrought in God! I LOVE IT! We have always walked in truth! So come investigate! Tear our work apart! I have no fear of light, exposure, investigations (John 3:20) because I have NO fear of my deeds being exposed because I have always done my best to walk according to the Light! You will find mistakes as we are not perfect, but you will find no deeds deserving of the attacks these are launching.

I understand these people are bitter because they didn't get their child! I understand those feelings! Been there! Done that! Got the scars! Got the debt (that is a post for another time!)! But when we lost Eden due to true negligence and deceit we were very careful to walk in the Light then as well! We didn't publicly in anyway demoralize the organization and especially not the person! When asked about our adoption, we told the truth! We looked into what could be done to hold the agency accountable (not much!) and did those things. When asked what agency we used, we told. But we were very careful to handle it in the way we felt God would be honored and approve. So I know that even in the pain felt by these people hurling the insults, there is a higher road to take! I've walked it!

I know God has done a great work in my heart! When Eden's adoption failed 4 years ago, I had to work at not being bitter and forgiving those who caused me the pain. But today, well, I don't have to work at it. Is there anger, a little, at times. Mainly when I am already down and satan uses that as a jab! (which goes along with John 3:19 that says these works are evil....satan uses evil works to discourage the work of Jesus among His people...plus the main ones right now are doing everything "anonymously" which is NOT walkign in the Light! In the Light, all is exposed, most certainly your identity) But more than any other feeling is sorrow. Sorrow that people who claim to walk according to the Light would participate in such dark actions. People who claim to be children of God would act in such a manner only shows that they have no clue about the cross and the Savior they say they accepted as Lord. Sorrow that they walk in such bitterness instead of the joy that is supposed to be ours as Christ Followers.

So today as I go to work...a job that will not bring a paycheck this month because Addy's Hope is broke...I thank God that my work in Addy's Hope...even in the criticisms...has brought Proverbs 4:13-15 to life for me: "How blessed is the man who finds wisdom and the man who gains understanding. For her profit is better than the profit of silver and her gain better than fine gold. She is more precious than jewels; and nothing you desire compares with her."

We haven't gotten rich off Addy's Hope. In fact, just recently we have gone into debt a great deal because of it. But I have gained more wisdom and understanding of God's word and His truths than I could have ever imagined! And that my friends is a jewel that nothing I desire compares with!

Praying you have a day full of God's Light and Truth that encourages you to keep walking in Him as it has me today! Be blessed!

It aint easy!

Yesterday when I shared with a friend what I was doing, she responded with something like, "Man those arrows keep coming at you, don't they?" Yes, they do! But I am hoping my attitude about those arrows is a little better than it has been in the recent past. Let me explain.

Today's lesson in A Call to Die is "The Risk of Grace". Nasser says: "Far too many of us are content with being comfortable in our faith. As long as Jesus doesn't ask too much of us, as long as we get enough good feelings, as long as it's fun to be a Christian, as long as nobody turns up their nose at us when they find out we believe, we hang in there. But that perspective is phony Christianity. It's not the real thing." Man can I relate! As I am sure you can too!

Nasser goes on to talk about Moses. God has used this man to encourage and spur me on in the battle in Liberia for almost two years. From the beginning, the people that Moses was trying to free turned on him. They were choosing slavery over freedom because it was hard. Pharaoh laughed at him that such a common man would even try to tell the most powerful king what to do. I don't need anybody laughing at me, I feel that way on my own about my government work.

I have said for some time now that the hardest part of my job is not the governments, but the people that I serve who are adopting. Not all of them! God has sent me some amazing families who are dear friends because of the journey we have taken on this crazy roller coaster. When you deal with something as personal as people's children, emotions run high! My black and white world has been rocked with the view of many Christians that believe in an adoption at all costs mentality! My stance for ethical and legal adoptions has turned some families away.

Yesterday we had a meeting with our licensing agent for Texas Child Placing Agencies. We have been in communication with licensing since we started in October 2005. At that time they would not even discuss licensing with us because we were a international only agency. But we have stayed in contact with them. Over the past two years as Hague has been implemented and new regulations gone into place, we have been in constant communication to insure that we were doing what we needed to in order to be in compliance. We need the money to pay the salary of a CPA Administrator in order to be licensed. That is the only thing we need. Well, that and a person who fits the qualifications that is willing to take a risk with us! And just finding someone who meets the qualifications has been an insurmountable task! But we have never quit looking or working toward licensing, and our amazing licensing rep, Becky, knows that.


The meeting yesterday was because "someone" (its confidential) filed a report on us. As I told John, I don't want to know who it is because as long as it's just "a report" I don't hold as much resentment. If I knew "the person" it would be much more personal to me and would be harder to work through - like Moses and the Israelites! But from the beginning when Becky called and said she needed to come meet with us, I had peace! Now, if you know me, you know that is a God thing! I am a rule follower to the max! So the prospect of possibly getting in trouble with the state would send me over the edge, but it didn't! And THAT folks is the reason why I am such a stickler about how we operate in adoptions! If you do everything to the best of your ability and don't allow illegal or unethical activities, then you don't have to be afraid of state visits!

John and I were determined from the beginning to turn what someone meant for evil into something good for God. And He has! We were able to talk with Becky about CPA Administrators (anyone know someone with a masters in TX who has experience with any type of child placing agency or emergency shelter, etc???? that needs some extra money for a contractual position??!!!). We also talked about the need here in Texas and what we could do to help the overloaded system. Our region still is short on foster families and have to send kids to other parts of TX because we don't have enough foster families. On top of that, I would venture to say that a high percentage of the foster families we do have are in it for the wrong reasons. Texas children need help and Becky shared with us how we can do that once we have our CPA Admin! She also said we do NOT have to have a fence around our pool as long as we have locked gates on our backyard and a lock and alarm on our backdoor! That means we could be licensed for foster/adoption! But I still wonder if I (or the kids) could handle a baby leaving us. Is this the right time? But definitely nice to know that one more obstacle has been removed!

As I read again about Moses and the people he was called to free, I was reminded that they didn't thank him or tell him "good job". They grumbled and told him they wanted to go back to captivity. That was the thanks Moses received. I feel like Moses many days! And like Moses, I have to run back to Who called me to this to ask for help and get my satisfaction and worth. I don't consider myself a people pleaser, but at the same time, I am very aware of how people see me because I believe as a Christian, we need to be. We are to be a light to the world and a light in the darkness. But being a light doesn't mean letting people walk all over you "in the name of Jesus" or allow those who disagree with you to derail you from your path.

I am learning many lessons through this season of my life. I pray I keep them as I don't want to revisit any of them! :)

A Call to Die - Day 14

Today's title was "Too Full to Eat?" Wasn't sure what type of lesson that would be! Had me a little perplexed, but within the first paragraph, I knew that this lesson was just for me right now!

What Nasser is getting at is that we have two tables to which we can pull up our chair and feast: God's and the world. If we fill up on the world before coming to God's table, then we are too full to eat the good "food" that God provides. And likewise, if we fill up at God's table, then we are too full to eat the junk offered by the world.

Anyone who has known me for any amount of time knows that I openly share my food addiction. My early years were filled with excuses as to why I am overweight. I would blame a medical condition or that I "just can't lose weight". But the truth of the matter is, I eat more than I consume or I wouldn't be overweight. But even with that realization and facing that truth head on for the past five or so years, I still battle my food addiction.

That is why during this 40 days of A Call to Die, I am doing the modified Daniel Fast. I need to break the hold food has on me. I need to learn to eat at the banquet table of God first!

I LOVE how God teaches so many spiritual truths to me in my physical world so I can really understand what He wants from me. As I read today's lesson, I knew that so many times I fill up on the "world" and that leaves me empty, but not hungry. Leaves me dissatisfied, but full so that I don't look to God for the water that will make me never thirst again or the food that will fill me so I will never be hungry.

I related it to the fast...since I am fasting from sugar, my taste buds have changed. Where grapes of an apple usually just seem like a healthy snack, now they meet the need of a sweet tooth! They taste so much sweeter now than when my mouth is used to eating all that sugar. Sugar waters down the natural sweetness of the fruit. Yesterday I made a cake to take to our small group. I had a really bad sweet tooth yesterday. But instead of taking in all the sugar in a cake or brownie, I picked up an oat bar that had only fruit and cane juice to sweeten it. Was it as sweet as the cake would have been? No where close! In fact, the kids don't like it at all because it tastes bland to them! But to me who is 20 days into no sugar, (yes I'm on day 14, but day 20 of the fast as I didn't do some lessons on the days I was sick...so numbers will be off!) that oat bar satisfied.

The same is true of God's Word! When I eat the junk of the world, it waters down the sweetness of God. Yes, food really does provide for me an immediate comfort, an immediate satisfaction. That is true. However, as soon as that last bite leaves my mouth, I want more and feel emptier than when I first ate! But God's Truth leaves me satisfied for the long haul! It may not provide an immediate satisfaction as I have to ponder it, memorize it, meditate on it, and often even sit and listen time and time again before God reveals to me all He wants to about a morsel from His Word. But in the long run, in the bigger pictures, it is so much more satisfying that anything this world has to offer me!

Yet, I still find myself "elbowing" as Nasser says my way into the world to make sure I get my "share" of what it has to offer instead of walking right past that table to sit with my Heavenly Father at His feast and drinking in all He is and wants for me. I plan to change that practice! I want God's food! I don't want the junk this world has to offer. The few times in my life that I have chosen to bypass the world to sit with God at His table, I have found that I am viewed as a "radical", a "Jesus Freak". That would make me pull back and reevaluate myself. Not that I mind being a "Jesus Freak" or a "radical", but these comments when made by other Christians have made me think I was going too far in my views. But what God is teaching me is that in this world, a world that has feasted way to long on the food the enemy pours into us, even most Christians don't know the sweetness of His RADICAL Truth! Therefore, the only voice I must listen to is HIS! If He is well-pleased, then no one else matters! And when I surround myself with mature, wise Christians whom I have given permission to speak truth in love to keep me on track, then the other voices can fall by the wayside. I don't need to entertain every criticism that comes my way!

Oh what freedom comes in eating at God's table! Will you pull up a chair and eat with me? What junk have you been eating that makes God's banquet of pure and holy food look undesirable? Don't let it lead to guilt...that is from the enemy...he wants to keep you at his table! Instead, confess it, let God take it away and pull up a chair at His table! He will fill you!

Coming out from under the rock...

Since returning from Liberia, I have been hiding under a rock. I have still been working, taking care of family, etc, but I really didn't want to talk to anybody or share any thoughts. I have hated the question, "How was your trip?". (Anyone reading this who asked me that, please don't take offense or feel badly for asking...it is a very natural question!). But I don't know how to answer. You probably really don't want to hear how my trip was because that would take, oh, a day and a half to explain. Most of it is not real warm and fuzzy like you expect a mission trip to be. Add to that the personally challenges and battles that hit me square in the face upon coming home and you have me, hiding under a rock because it is the only place I know to go!

But under that rock I have been doing a ton of reading! I know God doesn't want me under a rock..I am supposed to be a light shining on a hill for Him, not a toad under a rock! But when I would think on that, it would just bring more guilt, so I just chose to quit thinking.

I won't go into all details here as they are too personal to share on such a public forum. But for the second time in my life I tried to walk away from God. I tried to take my fire insurance and leave. Last time I tried that was when I came home without Eden from Sierra Leone. That lasted about a week and a half. This time it lasted about...oh...two days! I just don't know how people run from God! As hard as I tried, He was always right there in front of me saying, "Really? This is really the way you want to go? You really want to believe those lies floating through your head? You know My way is the best way...even when it hurts and is tough!" And when I wanted to ignore that voice in my head, my dadgum (never wrote that before...have no clue if it is even a word, but that's how I'd spell it if it were!) spiritual husband telling me the truths I knew but really didn't want to hear!

So over the course of the next few days, I am going to post some of the quotes from the books as well as the many lessons God is teaching me right now. As John said as I was sharing some with him, "God is really kicking your tail right now, isn't He?!" Yes, He is!!! And I am grateful for the tail kicking! I am in need of it!

I have lost count of the days of my fast. I will stick to the fast until I finish A Call to Die. It is 40 days, but since there have been a couple of days that I haven't done the lessons, this may end up being a 60 day fast! Great motivation to do the lessons every day!

The fast has truly been amazing! This is the first time I have fasted and really felt it had any spiritual impact. It has taken my focus off the two things that compete with God the most in my life: food and things. And the most incredible thing is that the draw of these two idols is weakening! I can feel it! I don't really know how to describe it, but I can feel it! I have always thought women who said they "forgot" to eat a meal were nuts! I mean, come on, how do you "forget" to eat? Well, I don't know that I forget to eat, but many times I walk into the kitchen when I know I would have comforted myself with some tasty morsel in the past, and now, I just walk out. I don't even want to eat! Sometimes its because I don't want to eat the food I can eat: mainly fruit, nuts or cheese. But sometimes it really is because food has no hold on me...my body isn't needing food, so I walk out! Freedom! I can taste it! And BOY does it taste good! :)

A lesson I learned just this week, well I didn't really "learn" it, but God reinforced it this week. I have had a horrible sinus infection for the past almost three weeks. You know mommy can't be sick! Well, this one has been horrible enough that is has knocked me on my tail where mommy had to be sick! (Side note: if you have e-mailed me or called and I haven't returned it, this is why! Sorry! Praying I will be back to health this week!) So those days that I just felt like a truck had run over me, I went off the fast. I mean, surely God doesn't expect me to be sick *and* not eat any comforting foods, or even just have to try to come up with something to eat on a menu that takes some creativity when I don't even fell like lifting my head. This week, I learned, yes in fact, He does expect that! He gently reminded me that obedience is required NO MATTER WHAT! Sick, healthy, rich, poor, frustrated, happy, joyful, sad...it doesn't matter my "mood"! Obedience is always required and expected. Kind of like me with my children! :) Yes, I give them a break if they are a little cranky because they don't feel well, but they still have to follow rules and obey me when I give them a direction.

So no more going off the fast until I am finished with A Call to Die! I will walk in obedience..for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health forsaking all others as long as I shall live!

So I will leave you this morning with some sweet quotes from David Nasser in "A Call to Die". You really should read/do this if you never have! It would be a great activity for married couples or small groups! My friend Karen and I are doing it together! It definitely helps to know you have someone walking it with you....accountability is an amazing motivator!

• "It' much easier to be a nice Christian than a radical one." page 8
• "He [Jesus] doesn't take it for granted that you and I will be willing to follow him along his path of radical obedience to the Father. Jesus is no bully. He doesn't try to get us to pack our bags for a guilt trip. No, he simply offers that path with all its hardships and joys, and says, "If you want the greatest adventure life has to offer, here's what the ticket will cost you." Quite frankly, the vast majority of Christians look at the brochure and say, "No thanks. The price is too high. I"ll settle for something else." page 13
• "You and I will face excruciating moments, too when it seems God is asking too much and nobody is there for us....It is a call to die, a call to let your selfishness starve to death because you don't feed it. If it won't starve, we have to grab our selfishness by the throat and strangle it. Once again, remember we're talking spiritual, not physical issues. Because Satan is not gentle in dealing with us, we cannot be gentle in dealing with sin." page 17
• "When you and I feel insecure, we are more open to God speaking to our hearts." page 32
• "The call to die requires a will of steel to persevere and make those hard, thankless choices to honor God instead of serving selfish desires." page 41

Stop Child Trafficking Now!

Many of you know that I was accused of Child trafficking when we brought Toben and several other children home. I was outraged! When you read the date below, you will understand why! Child trafficking is a sick and disgusting business that must be stopped!

This is a very personal issue to me. I worry often of what will happen to Eden since she didn't get to come home! I also work in adoptions with integrity and high standard of ethics so to not even give the allusion of anything close to trafficking. So what I am posting here is dear to me...and therefore, Addy's Hope is getting involved! Please help us help them!!! We need you..donate....walk...whatever you can do! Right now we only have two people on the Addy's Hope team...Thomas and I are going to be really lonely if more don't walk with us...and we need donations to support us! Go here to donate to our walk or sign up to be a team member if you are in the Midland area! We need you!!!!

Walk or Donate

Bring awareness and an end to the trafficking of humans!


Stop Child Trafficking Now Walk
September 26, 2009
Midland, Texas
(check for a walk in your area by going to the SCTNow website!)
Grande Stadium Ballpark
Check-in time: 9:00AM to 10:00AM
Event: 10:00AM to 12:00PM


Go HERE
Register to Walk with the Addy's Hope Team and help us raise funds for SCTNow!
Donate online to any of our team members to help!
Tell your friends!



If any of you have followed Addy's Hope for anytime, you know our heart for children! God has grown that heart and stretched it over the years. We know have an opportunity to partner with an organization to Stop Child Trafficking Now!

In countries with uneducated officials and public, adoption and trafficking are often confused. The two could not be further apart. Adoption is what God has done for us. He brought us into His family to love, protect and care for us. This is what adoptive families do for children they adopt. However, child trafficking is the recruitment, smuggling, transporting, harboring, buying or selling of a child through force, threats, fraud, deception, or coercion for the purposes of exploitation, prostitution, pornography, migrant work, sweat shops, domestic servitude, forced labor, bondage, peonage or involuntary servitude.

Child trafficking is one f the fastest growing crimes in the world. UNICEF values the global market of child trafficking at over $12 billion a year with over 1.2 million child victims. Men, women and children are all victims but, the most vulnerable groups, those with limited rights or protections, have been the hardest hit....especially children.

Trafficking children into the sex industry is done because there is a demand. Predators seek out vulnerable victims and lure them under false pretenses into situations they cannot escape from. No matter the reason, the children have become sexual commodities to be bought and sold for the pleasure of exploiters. These children are scarred for life and need help - your help!

Stop Child Trafficking Now believes strongly that to eliminate this heinous crime the demand for children must end. That's why SCTNow seeks to destroy the source. SCTNow believes that by putting predators behind bars we can Stop Child Trafficking Now and Addy's Hope is going to help!

And the winner is....

I finally drew for the nativity set that I raffled off, and the winner is Nancy from Michigan! Congratulations, Nancy! And thank you to all who helped with Callie and my trip! It was wonderful. I still need to blog about her experience and the chimpanzee! Maybe this week! :)

For Debbie and Karen

Debbie posted a comment on my last post. It was a very honest and straightforward post. I like that. The only problem, Debbie, is that you don't know me. You make many assumptions in your comments that are not true, but part of being transparent on a public forum like a blog is that criticism such as yours from people who don't really understand/know your heart come.

I assure you that I am not just sitting back and saying God doesn't exist. If that were so, I would not be feeding 51 children with my own personal money as well as the many other things I am doing.

However, in Job that you quoted, Job does question! So I don't believe as you alluded that it is wrong to question at all! What would be wrong is to stay there. This is why I am fasting and praying...in order to not stay there.

Any Christian I know who has stretched themselves beyond themselves have had the same questions I have had. One of the reasons I share is because I don't believe enough Christians share their struggles. Most Christians in the churches I have been in put on their masks and tell everyone they are "fine" when they are really dying on the inside. I believe if more of us would be honest, and walk through these crisis of faith with each other in love without criticism and blame, more Christians would take more risks. But when you take a risk and find yourself in unknown water, there usually is not another brother or sister to walk with you because that would mean they would have to admit they had a weakness too...not many are willing to do that.

If one person can relate to what I have written and continue on in a walk with God because they know they are not alone in their struggles, then putting myself out there to be criticized is worth it.

And, Debbie, you hit the nail on the head with one of your comments....you alluded to people being the ones to not do things. To that I say, AMEN! If more "Christians" were doing more, we wouldn't have orphans, or poverty or many other things...at least not nearly to the extent that the world does right now! So if you are reading this and haven't done something to help someone less fortunate than yourself in the last month, I challenge you to do something...serve at a soup kitchen, donate food to a food bank (and not just the stuff that you won't eat..have your family skip a meal and donate that meal to the food bank!), donate to an organization that feeds orphans (I could put you in touch with a really good one! hint!hint!), or just take a sack of groceries to the door step of a family that you know is in need. If we would all do just a little bit....we would impact the world for Christ....

and despite what my latest posts have said, that is truly the heartbeat of my life, and those who truly know me and know the struggles that are in my life right now, know that...I am just being stretched right now....and being stretched is always painful and difficult!

Karen, thank you for understanding, relating and being willing to put yourself out there too (Crissy too!). You ladies are dear to me! And Karen, YES, let's do it together! Burdens are always lighter when divided among friends...and this is why I love the Body of Christ!

A Call to Die - Re-entry processing Part 1

*Warning - you are about to enter my thought process on re-entering American culture after a trip to Liberia...read at your own risk! :) And please don't judge my grammar or punctuation as this really is my thought stream! *

I am back from Liberia. Callie and I got in on Thursday night. She was amazing! There are no "aha" moments of life change for her, but you can't help but be changed after being there and seeing what she saw. She was right at home! No running water much of the time, no air conditioning, raining almost 24/7, stuck inside with 51 kids, and she never complained! I had to stop and remind myself that this was not her first time there as she was just so at home there and with the kids! I have an amazing daughter!!! She taught the kids to sing, "That's the way, aha, aha, I like it, aha, aha!" She did some funky dance/walk thing with it, so by the end of the week, I had 51 kids and several staff walking around doing a funky dance/walk singing the same song! It was priceless!

There are many funny stories,but the overwhelming need just keeps me from sharing those right now. The need to process the trip. It wasn't a stressful trip, in fact, compared to my other trips where we have worked the whole time to get clearance only minutes before take off, it was a very restful trip. However, the overwhelming need is still there! Adoptions still aren't open. That means money isn't flowing. That means staff haven't been paid, but are working because they believe in what we are doing for the children. It means the food we bought while we were there was bought with personal money because all the agency money was gone. I just sit and shake my head at all that needs to be done in Liberia knowing that I serve a God who owns the cattle on a thousand hills! I just need a couple of cows to feed my "sheep", yet I have none.

Those things along with some personal issues we have been dealing with has brought me once again to a crisis of faith in my life. Who is God? Is He real? Does He mean what He says? I believe when you come to a place like this, you have to just get real and get with God! You see, I "know" the right answers! If you sit and tell me that God is good all the time, He never leaves us or forsakes us, He only has my best interest at heart, I know all that...but when the rubber doesn't seem to meet the road, you have a crisis of faith.

So what do I do in a crisis of faith? I get before God like never before. As I traveled home, I begged God to answer many questions. Silence. I begged Him to show me how to go on, how to move forward, how to deal with the personal crisis and help the people of Liberia. Silence. Then I asked Him what He wanted from me, "Seek me!".

I read a book 4 or 5 years ago. It is called A Call to Die by David Nasser. When I read it before, I was literally unable to fast from food because I just couldn't do it. I would try, and by noon, I was done with my fast! So when I read it last time, I fasted from day time tv of any kind. It was a good time with God.

Several months ago, I did the Daniel Fast for 21 days. It was a great experience and gave me great confidence in my ability to carry out the spiritual discipline of fasting. But I haven't done any fasting since. I didn't grow up knowing about fasting, so it is kind of a new concept. When I did the Daniel fast last time, any spiritual implications kind of alluded me. But over the past month, I have just felt a heaviness....a need to seek God like never before...to dive deep for answers to questions that no one can answer for me, but God...to see Him real and in ways I never have...to know in my heart, not just my head, that He is good all the time and will never leave me or forsake me.

You see, what I see right now, just doesn't say that, and what I see in my past many times does not either. When in Liberia, I was crying out for God to provide for our ministry. I was reading 2 Corinthians under the direction of the Holy Spirit. Chapter 9 verse 6-10 just struck me as if someone had orally said them to me. They speak of when you sow sparingly you will reap sparingly, and when you sow bountifully you will reap bountifully. I thought about John and I personally. We haven't sowed as bountifully in the past as we should have with the blessings we have received, but we are both changing that! I can say that currently, we are doing much better at sharing our blessings with others. Then I thought about Addy's Hope. We have always been a VERY generous organization! When we have books, we share, when we had money before adoptions shut down, we started providing scholarships. Addy's Hope has always cared for as many as possible...not just the adoption workers and children.

Then verse 8 should be true: "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed." Hmmmmm, isn't caring for children in an impoverished country a good deed? Isn't sharing the love of Jesus with people in a village a good deed? Isn't teaching women how to help other women give birth safely in a country that is number 2 or 3 (depending n which study you look at) in birth death rate a good deed? Then why is God not supplying an abundance and why do we not have sufficiency in everything? Is it because of sin? I'm sure it could be, I am an imperfect sinner in need of my Savior's grace everyday! But I know and God knows that my number one desire in all that I do is to walk in obedience and bring Him glory. I miss the mark many times as is pointed out often by the people I serve, but that is my number one desire.

Then verse 10 really hit home: "Now He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness." I got really excited! I started thinking of all that we can do when the seed for sowing comes in! But it hasn't come yet....we don't have an abundance, in fact, we barely have enough.

So that makes me start questioning the whole "Does God really exist or is this just some bad joke?" question. That may be offensive to some of you, but I don't apologize. It is just a woman who wants to follow God with all her heart sharing where she is right now in the midst of some really hard life stuff! If this verse isn't true right now, is it ever true? And if this isn't true, is anything in scripture true? And this is when you have to stop, take your thoughts captive and seek God like never before for the answers that no person can supply for you!

I picked up "A Call to Die" from my shelf and resolved to do the Daniel fast for 40 days. I want God more than food, and I want to be so focused on God that nothing gets in the way of me hearing what He needs to tell me! As I read Nassar's description of what "deny yourself" means: "to deny it [our selfish interests] means: don't feed it. Identify the source of food for your selfishness, and stray away from those things!", I decided I am also fasting from buying anything that is not necessary....necessary means something the kids need for school, food, or household items to keep it running. But clothes, decorations crafting materials, etc are not necessities and thus are part of the fast. I tend to come home from these trips when things are tough and I don't see a way to meet the needs that face me in Liberia and want to turn my back, forget it all and jump head long into American culture! I didn't used to be that way, but the more I try to help and the more obstacles I face, the more I want to just run!

But I know that isn't the answer. So fast it will be! I know following Christ is a call to die..I was even reminded of that in the sermon yesterday! I have a works background that I know is effecting something core in me that is keeping me bound up, so I will seek what that is, and I will kill it! For the only thing I want alive in my is the heart that longs to obey God...no matter how hard and no matter the cost!

Here is how Nassar put it: "But before we get to the cross, let's understand some things. Jesus begins this statement with a tiny but important word: if. He doesn't take it for granted that you and I will be willing to follow him along his path of radical obedience to the Father."

This is radical! But I am tired of fighting the same fleshy issues over and over as God calls me to a higher walk! "It is a call to die, a call to let your selfishness starve to death because you don't feed it. If it won't starve, we have to grab our selfishness by the throat and strangle it....because Satan is not gentle in dealing with us, we cannot be gentle in dealing with sin." I think I have been playing patty cake too long with some issues in my life. It's time to get it by the throat and strangle these issues once and for all!

Same song 6th verse!

On my way! Trip 6 to Liberia! I am sitting in Brussels airport watching my daughter sleep wondering what the next few days will bring about in her life as God uses the people of Liberia to impress on Callie a world so much different than her own!

Probably will not have internet acces in Liberia much if at all. So no updates this trip like normal. But we are in our new orphanage....so when I get back, I will share lots of pictures...I imagine Kami has already put up a bunch....click on the Orphanage Project button n the right to check and see! I have only seen a few, but what I have seen is amazing!!!!

Will send pics and updates when I can!

They say the darndest things..

John's parents were so gracious to come watch our kids so we could go to dinner and a movie. We don't remember the last movie we saw together! It was a wonderful evening!

When we were leaving, telling the kids bye, threatening the boys with in an inch of their life to behave, Ava asked where we were going. John responded, "We are going to go kiss." Then Callie says, "Go make a baby!" Well, isn't that lovely in front of the in-laws! Needless to say, I was speechless!

Blessings

Callie and I are headed to Liberia! We don't have the full amount....about $4,000 short, but John and I both believe I need to be there, so we booked the flight and are waiting and trusting God for the rest!

We didn't book until Wednesday, so that kind of sent me in a scurry thinking of leaving...with Callie...in a week! So on Friday we went to Goodwill to look for some skirts and cool shirts...especially for Callie since she mainly has knit and denim capris that would be really hot!

Well, we ran into an old friend from Garden City at Goodwill. We had a basket full of stuff as we ran across tons of kids chapter books in series (like Babysitters Club, Goosebumps, etc). I sale those on Ebay and make good money back, so we bought them to sale to help make money for the trip. We start talking to our friend Renee and end up in line behind her. When the lady tells her the total for her purchase, Renee tells her to keep ringing us up! I was floored! She paid for all of our purchase as well as giving us some cash for "airport snacks". It was such a blessing and encouragement on a day that had been filled with battles starting at 5:00 am with a phone call from Liberia! God gave me a shot of encouragement just when I needed it and it was such a promise that He will provide! It was amazing!

So thank you, Renee, for blessing our socks off! And thank you God for perfect timing that encourages and restores!

Darkness

I have shared before about my struggle with depression. I have had some times the last few months when I felt I was really headed out of the darkness...at one point, I even told John that I hadn't realized how much darkness had encompassed me until I began to come into the light. But most recently through multiple issues/events, I felt myself slipping back into the pit. Many authors describe depression well as a pit of darkness. As you begin to slip into depression it is as if you are clinging to the side of a slippery wall that you know as you fall will find you deep in the depths of darkness and despair that feels as if it will never end. Sometimes you feel like no matter what you do, your fingers can't grip the edge, your finger nails only make grooves as you slip further and further down. Depression is kind of like other things in life that if you haven't experienced it, you really can't understand it. I know for me, before depression hit my life, I didn't understand why people couldn't just pull themselves up by the boot straps and get happy. Now I understand why. But I also know that you can fight depression, you can fight to get back on top where the light is, or you can wallow in the pit and believe all the lies and stay in a state of despair.

I was reading I John this morning at the prompting of the Holy Spirit. Once again, I read a scripture that I have read many times and in fact have it underlined for a different reason...but this morning, it had all new meaning as the Holy Spirit spoke to me about depression and darkness. It was a hard lesson. It was a convicting lesson, but I believe it is a valuable one!

I John 1: 5-6 says, "This is the message we have heard from him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth."

OUCH! So for me to walk in darkness is to not practice truth and is a lie if I say I am in Him! And now, sharing this on a public forum, I have accountability because I can no longer plead ignorance! :)

I have always read "darkness" in this verse as sin, but as I read this morning, I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me that this applies to the darkness of depression also. Depression keeps me disabled. It keeps me paralyzed...which in a sense keeps me working for the enemy! As long as he can keep me paralyzed and walking in darkness, I am not effective for the kingdom.

I don't have this all figured out yet because I know in the past there have been days that I couldn't pull myself out of the darkness no matter how much I tried...even fighting the battles I believe that when you suffer from something like depression, it is vital to have prayer warriors who can pull you out when you can't climb out on your own. I have amazing friends that God will lay me on their heart when I need prayer. Twice in the last week, I have literally felt the prayers lift me out of darkness. One day, I came out of it, but yesterday, well, I made a choice, a bad choice, I stayed in the pit. I wish I understood all of this better to know why at those moments I choose to believe lies and stay in the pit! I know part of it is that I just get tired of fighting battles and when I give in to the pit, the battle stops. I'm sure it doesn't stop in the heavens, but for me, in my mind, it stops. I am sad, I am down, I am angry, but I am not battling. I fight so many battles in my ministry and my home that when the battles inside me start, sometimes I just lay down and let the enemy walk all over me.

I hate that about myself! I hate my weakness! When I read in Acts 21 where Paul's friends are telling him that if he continues on his journey, he will be bound and delivered to his enemies Paul responds, "What are you doing, weeping and breaking my heart? For I am ready not only to be bound, but even t die at Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus." Oh how I wish I had that maturity and dedication...that even when I KNOW I am going to suffer heartache and pain, I still walk strongly into what I am called to. And maybe I do actually...I think God gives me strength to do the hard things I need to do in the ministry he has given me both as a wife, mom and adoption/child relief advocate, but when the tough times come...the children act out, the husband doesn't meet my needs, the adoptive parents attack, the government puts a halt on adoptions, false accusations against me run rampant....that is when I slink back. I lose the strength. I let those things get to me instead of standing on TRUTH!

Oh I have so much to learn in this life! Today my prayer is that no matter what today brings, I will walk in The Light and bask in His goodness...because no matter what my day brings, He is good and He loves me more than I can ever imagine! And to believe anything else is to break the heart of the One who broke His body for me on the cross!

I love this boy!

I had one of those wonderful moments with Noah last night where I want to stop time! Callie was spending the night at a friend's house, so we let Noah stay up late. Little ones were in bed, John was watching TV in our room, and I was laying on the couch watching the DVR of the final Batchelorette. Noah would come in off and on to cuddle with me. During a couple of those cuddle sessions, this is was the conversation:

Noah: "So when I am 77, how old will you be? (NO pause here) Oh, yeah, you will be dead."

Me: "Thanks, buddy!"

Second conversation occurred after the poor Bachelor that wasn't picked was giving his speech in the limo as it takes him to the airport. He is looking at the ring he didn't get to put on Jillian's finger....

Noah: "Did she tell him no?"

Me: "Yep, he got turned down."

Noah: "Well, I would take the ring back and get my $100 back!"

How much?

Is it ever ok to just tell God you can't do it? Is it ok to tell him you have taken all the stones from fellow Christians you can take with out literally laying down and dying? When asked what is the hardest part of my job...it wouldn't be the governments...I can deal with them, it is fellow Christians who think they have it all together and cast stones at me for the work I do in caring for the children in Liberia.

Some of those people read my blog...I'm sure they will take great pleasure in my defeat! They can be proud to know the enemy has used them well!

My goods!

So several people have asked for pictures of what I am selling at the "famer's" market. I guess I should have put the disclaimer that they sell hand made products at our "farmer's" market! I have a container garden, but if we had to wait to raise money for our trip from what I could sale out of that garden, we would make it to Liberia in 2020..maybe!

So here is what I had at the booth Saturday. We made $85. We are just $3,000 away from being able to book our tickets. I am listing things on Craigslist and considering ebay, but that is a lot of work and they take a good junk of it..thinking my time might be better spent on ther fund raising ideas!

The Internal Struggle

I had a day last week that hadn't occurred in awhile....in fact, kind of took me back and rocked my world!

This post is not meant to offend anyone, and I pray that all readers read it with the heart it is written. This is my internal struggle...it represents a very real battle between two sets of women as well, but this is what the battle means to me, a working-stay-at-home-mom!

John swears that I told him on the first date that I would stay home when I had kids and if he wasn't ok with that we might as well end it now! I don't remember putting it quite that strongly, but certainly, those were my beliefs! When we embarked on parenting, we were pregnant before our fist anniversary. I was elated, John was scared to death! :) I was due in June, so the timing was perfect! I would finish teaching that year and then quit to be full time mommy! We had many "discussions" during this time as John was still not sold on the whole woman staying at home thing, and on paper, we would not survive! (That is a whole other post with in itself!) However, in January, we lost that baby to a miscarriage. So the plans for the next year were up in the air. I still wanted to quit as I was pregnant again in three months with Callie who was due in January. But teachers received the first major raise that would bring them up to semi-well paid in Texas (now they are well paid - the legislatures have done well!). I would receive a $6,000 raise that year. So John was sure I needed to work that year. Being the submissive wife that I was (you laugh, but really, it was true!), I worked that year. That meant that Callie would be in daycare for about three months while I finished out the school year. We had a daycare at my school, so she was on campus with me. That was great, but even with that, it only lasted one week before I pulled her out and my mom kept her. I survived those three months knowing that I would be home with her for the rest of her time home. It was hard, and I threatened to quit about every other day, but I stuck it out.

God would bless us with a principal job for John. We moved to Cotton Center, and I got to stay home! It was harder than I thought! I didn't miss teaching, but I did miss people! It was a huge adjustment! I loved it, and would never have thought of going to work, but it was harder than I had anticipated.

I really don't remember why, but somehow John talked me into working just two days a week as the music teacher at the school. I think it was just because we felt there needed to be more fine arts offered at our little school. It was only two days a week, and the kids loved going to Ms. Cindy's daycare that was right next door to us (in the only building between our house and the school!). Callie was 2 and Noah was one. I can remember struggling with my identity! Even though it was only part time, I didn't feel like I could tell people I was a stay-at-home mom now. That really bothered me! I rationalized that even stay at home moms put their children in Mother's Day Out for 2 days a week, so I was still within stay-at-home-mom limits for being away from my kids.

We would move to Garden City, and it wasn't long before I was teaching those two days a week again. Did that for two years, keeping it up even after we moved to Midland. Callie was in Kinder and Noah would go to Ms. Shay's who did a wonderful job in her home with the kids! It was a great situation!

After Miss Ava came along, I really did not have a need to work. God had blessed us financially and there was not a need. Really, that time was probably my best as a mom! I had finally learned to truly enjoy my children. I had found a balance between keeping the house clean and being there for my kids. I spent lots of time with my dear friend Andrea as we have kids about the same age and were both pregnant! It was a blast!

Shortly after Ava was born, the agency went from 2 families to 20 literally over night! It was crazy! Obviously, it started taking more and more time. It was still a voluntary position, so there was not even the financial benefit of being away from my kids and not tending to the needs of my house. Over a year later, we did finally accept a salary of just enough to hire a house keeper to take that burden off of me as the agency took more and more time.

Now, even with adoptions on hold, the agencies takes 20-40 hours a week. We have moved the office out of the house as we needed boundaries! The agency had taken over our lives and dictated our schedule. That was a little upside down, so having an office really helped that!

But I still refuse to put my kids in daycare! I often wonder if I am just banging my head against the wall or if this is really the way God wants it! I firmly believe that if you have kids, you should raise them....that is why mine are not in daycare. I have always said (maybe it was just a rationalization and a way to make my guilt go away) that working part time was fine, I just always made sure the kids were with me more than they were with someone else. So that is how I became a working-stay-at-home mom! Ava and Toben go to Mother's Day Out two days a week. The other three days of the week, they go to the office with me in the morning and then we come home for naps and I work from home on anything else that needs done with the agency. Making important phone calls with a 3 and 4 year old screaming at each other can be very challenging! Many times I wonder why in the world I don't just put them in daycare! One big answer to that is that we can't afford it! I would be paying to work with what my salary is! That is just silly! But more important than the money is that I know I have them for such a short time, especially Toben since I missed out on the first three years. I can remember Callie's first day of kindergarden. The one thing that struck me more than anything that day was gratitude that I had stayed home with her!

So last week I had one of those days where I wanted to shut it all down and be a full time stay at home mom! I had so much guilt over things not done here at home because there is just not enough of me to go around. I had worked full time the week before because John was off, so he could keep the kids. Callie had thrown a fit about that! She was still laying the guilt on last week about me being gone so much the week before. I want another baby really badly, but I can't imagine adding a child to our already stretched schedules and daily life! ....but if I was home full time....well, then I could do it easily!

So the internal struggle began again! I battle being a working mom. My identity was always to be a stay-at-home mom. I am jealous of my friends who stay home with no agency to run. This isn't a financial decision as God has always replaced any salary I have had when we decided I would quit working to be home. It is more of a "what do you want from me, God?" question. When I have those days, I hear the voices saying you have your whole life to save other children, you only have 18 years to save yours! But then I see stats on children... 143 million orphans in the world...6,000 children in the Texas system are relinquished and ready to be adpoted with no prospective adoptive parnets, while hundreds of adptive parents wait for referrals from the system...the system has to be fixed....and I think I have to do more!

And so the internal struggle continues! To work or not to work, that is the question! As the rest of my week went, I am guessing God is not going to let me out of this soon, and the answer is in finding balance to do it all and do it all well....not perfect, but well!

So on this Monday morning with my to do list in front of me, I will press on toward the goal set before me!

Peddling my goods!

I am busy as a beaver making scripture canvases and crosses for the farmer's market in the morning. I am still trying to raise the funds for Callie and my trip to Liberia. We are having to postpone it as we don't have the $5,000 + to book the tickets and John and I cannot afford to charge it since we have spent thousands already just keeping our Liberian staff paid (well before we ran out of money too last month) and keeping the kids fed.

So we are having to fully trust God for His perfect timing to provide the necessary money. We have had some very generous donors, and I am very grateful to all of you! If you have ordered t-shirt, I am working on getting the additional information you requested and will get those ordered next week!

If you are in my area, come check out the Farmer's Market tomorrow morning! It is really a neat thing...there is also a couple (he is from Uganda) that have necklaces, sandals and different items from Uganda! Come see me!

"Boldly"

I have been studying Acts for a few weeks now. Our church is actually doing a series on Acts, but I was studying it even before then.

I am LOVING it! It always amazes me how I can read scripture that I know I have read tens if not hundreds of times before, but new things just pop out at me! Got to love that Holy Spirit who makes God's Word so fresh to us over 2000 years later!

Well, the apostles fascinate me! I feel like I can so relate to their work right now in what I am doing in adoption work. God has drawn so many comparisons for me. It has been such an encouragement, and also a charge to keep on keeping on. I don't even pretend to be anywhere near the maturity or calling of the Apostles, but God has used them to speak into my life in my little bitty corner of the world.

A word that occurs over and over when Acts describes the Apostles teaching is "boldly". This word stuck out to me because I usually speak boldly when I speak. I always have. It is a character trait that God gave me that frankly I am not so fond of. It definitely brings much ridicule and persecution...sometimes warranted ridicule if I am out of line or speaking boldly with the wrong heart, but many times I am speaking boldly at the charge of the Holy Spirit and feel as if I am stoned (with words and actions) just as Paul in Acts 14:19 (he was speaking boldly in vs 3 right before that!). I have been told that I am too bold and that I need to handle things with adoptions more softly and tenderly. Well, that goes totally against what God and the Holy Spirit is leading me in right now. There was a time when I spoke softly and walked gently with Liberian officials. We have been working in Liberia for almost 5 years. This is the first time I have gotten this "bold" in my words and actions. It is time! I love Acts 14:3 because it holds the key to this boldness thing...."with reliance upon the Lord." That is the part that was missing in my younger days that I am learning to seek in my maturing state.

Since I felt like this word "boldly" was a bright flashing light of instruction to my soul every time I read it, I decided to look it up. It is used 6 times in Acts, and 9 times in the New Testament (that means 2/3 of the time it is used is in Acts...hmmm). according to Strong's it means to speak freely, freedom of speech, confidence! Yes! I just LOVE that! Oh how that is what I have felt God screaming to my soul! Every time I contact a government official whether here or there, I second guess my boldness- I hear the voices of the critics who think they know exactly how I need to handle this process and ridicule the boldness that I have or that I ask them to take, and I just feel God screaming, "GO my daughter! It is time for boldness! It is time for my glory to be seen by those willing to see it! Speak my words! Please me, not man! If I am for you, who can be against you? Be bold, be daring. You are speaking for the people of Liberia who have no voice. I have made you bold for just a time as this!" That gets my blood to pumpin'!

I looked it up in Webster. I got even more excited! Webster defines "bold" as fearless before danger, showing or requiring a fearless daring spirit, assured, confident, adventurous, free, standing out prominently. That is what we are called to be for God! We are called to stand out for Him. We are called to show a fearless daring spirit in the face of danger or ridicule because man can do NOTHING to us spiritually speaking. Yes they can hurt our feelings, and in China and other places of persecution, they even hurt and torture our bodies, but God still calls us to be fearless or daring in spirit! Even if you are not involved in some "big" issue, you are called to be daring and fearless in spirit. Have you shared your testimony of God's goodness in your life with a stranger lately? In today's society, even that can be bold and daring in the face of danger. Speaking the name of God in front of many of today's society will get you a lecture you never wanted or ridiculed in a way you never imagined! But we are still called to do it- be bold!

I think when you are involved in a "big" issue, it is easy to neglect the times to be "bold" in the day to day. I have shared about my new friend at my office. He comes in everyday now and visits for 15 or 20 minutes at a time. I will share more about him as his life is such a testimony of our societies need for a savior! But I haven't asked him about his relationship with God yet. I want to be sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit, as timing is crucial in talking to someone about Christ, but if the Holy Spirit nudged me to bring Him up, would I? I can tell a government official how the cow at the cabbage, but would I share with a dieing soul the only thing that will bring him comfort and peace here and on the other side of life? I pray I would, and you better believe I will be looking for the opportunity to be daring in spirit to share my Jesus with this hurting soul!

And for today...I am just loving that God's word is so fresh and waiting for Him to reveal His glory in adoptions in Liberia! I know it's coming! I don't know what it will look like and it may not be packaged the way we all think it will be .....odds are, it won't be! But when He comes and shines His glory, I am going to be ready and until that time I will speak BOLDLY to anyone I can in order for ALL possible to see His glory and worship Him because of it!

Ready for my day! Go God! :)

There is a need....

I promised to tell the story of how God encouraged me in my calling to adoption on a particularly rough day.

For some odd reason, the owner of our office building has decided it needs to be tangerine orange...makes us easier to find, but not so sure what it does for the professional image...anyway, there is a guy there painting the building.

He came in Tuesday afternoon and asked me to move my van as he was about to paint right there and didn't want to get orange paint on my sliver van (thank you Mr. painter man!). So I gladly moved it.

When I was heading back into the office, he asked me what kind of business I was running. Since we are only international right now, not many people come to the office. Mainly, I needed the office out of the house as we needed the boundaries that provided. It has been a HUGE blessing...but because we don't really have families coming by the office that much, it hasn't totally been put together yet. We don't have a sign up or anything like that yet. Those things cost money, and, well, you know the rest of that story! I proceeded to tell this man that we run an adoption agency. He then says, "Well too bad you weren't here a few months ago, I would have had three kids for ya." That got my attention....I took the bait. Five months ago this man placed his triplets that he had with "his fling" *his words, NOT mine!* for adoption with a family in a near by town. He proceeded to tell me how their mom didn't want them and he already has 7 kids that he is taking care of. I talked to him just a bit about my boys and how adoption is such a wonderful thing, and then went inside my office, not really thinking that much about it. Well, not true...ashamedly, I admit, I was really just thinking I need to get a, b, and c finished today. Not really getting what I think God was trying to show me. So, as God often does with me, he hit me one more time! Mr. Painter Man came back into the office and said, "So you guys are open for business." I proceeded to give way more of an explanation than I am sure he cared to have about our licensing situation. Then he said, "Well, I have this friend in my class at college who is 3 months pregnant and doesn't want the baby. I was talking to her about my kids that I put up for adoption, and she is considering it." Ok, God, I am getting it now!

So I give him my card and tell him to have his friend call me. I told him that we would be licensed in the next few weeks and could help his friend out if she decided that she wanted to place...or if I wasn't able to help her, I knew plenty of people who could.

When he walked out the door, I was flooded with God's presence over me. I just sensed Him saying, "See, HollyAnn, the work you do is needed. People are hurting and need my hand to touch them. Children are coming into the world that need homes other than the ones they will be born into. There are other things in this work that I have for you besides just the frustrations of Liberia." Oh how sweet that was to me! It reminded me just how personal my amazing Heavenly Father is! He took the time to place a man right in my path who knew someone who needed what I could give. God used it to remind me that in this area, there is no one to truly minister to birth or really adoptive families on a personal level the way I believe it should be.

Just two hours before, John had stopped by and I was on a bad phone call. When I got off, I cried and questioned, and said the words I try not to say these days, "I just don't know what I am supposed to do anymore and I want to quit." I know quitting is not an option...well, at least not if I want to run this race in the way I need to in order to win the prize and to see God's glory in "the land of the living"! Then God graciously placed this man in my path to remind me of the needs and the harvest that is ripe for God's people to take His love to a very wounded and bleeding group of people! So I put on my armor again (had put it on that morning, but it felt like it had fallen off in battle!) and sat down at my computer with a renewed resolve to serve the awesome God who has called me to this work called adoption!

Could it really happen?

So after I posted my "Dear Addy" post, I had this wild idea...one of those times that something so strange pops in your head that you think it has to be God, but also so much a desire of your heart that you are scared it is flesh??

I am headed to Liberia with Callie at the end of this month (well, if God brings the funds I will be!). Liberia is right next to Sierra Leone. What if Eden's dad brought her and they came to Liberia to see us? Then Callie could finally meet Eden whom she still calls her sister?! And I could see my precious girl again! Is that weird? Would it do more harm? Am I just being selfish? How would Callie really handle actually meeting her? Would it work?

I don't know, but man it has me excited thinking about!

Dear Addy,

It will be 5 years this Sunday that you left this earth for Jesus' arms. You left before I held you in my own. Your death sent me into a righteous anger I had never known as I learned that your death could have been stopped with an IV and antibiotics.

Many people do not understand why after 5 years I still cry over you, a child I never held in my arms. I don't have any words to tell them. I just have a whole in my heart where you were suppose to sit while I braided your hair and sang you lullabys.

Most days I don't think about the pain. In fact, I have buried it pretty deep...so deep that I often think it is gone. But then days like today come and the scab is torn off and the blood of my wound flows strong again!

The short time that you graced my life with yours is what birthed the calling your daddy and I have given our lives to. God used your short three years and your tragic death to call us to Addy's Hope. Somedays, I wish we had never known you...never started this crazy ministry....but then I think of the other "Addy's" out there. The little boy that came home to the US through Addy's Hope that had major medical issues that the limited medical care in Liberia would never have picked up. He was skin and bones, sad, no smiles, sick. Now, he is a thriving little boy full of smiles playing football and surrounded by the love of a Christian family that he never would have known if not for the role you played in his life...like a pebble thrown in a pond, your life continues to ripple even five years after your death.

I love you, my preciuos Addy Joy! Someday I will hold you! Until then, I picture you being rocked to sleep in the arms of Jesus as angels sing you those lullabys I never got to!

Love,
Mommy

We are people too!

WARNING: If you are an adoptive parent, you may not want to read any further. If you do read further, please take what I say as tongue-in-cheek...well, most of it! ;) It is very sarcastic, so anyone who doesn't get my sarcasm, probably shouldn't read this either! ;) If you just flat don't like sarcasm, you are weird! Ok, sorry! That was uncalled for...what do you expect at 1:45 am when I can't sleep?! You guys are getting to see a rare side of me! Now you can all feel very sorry for John! :)

Dear adoption people,

I am writing to let you know that we adoption professionals are people too. I understand that many adoption "professionals" seem to have steel hearts. That is because they have dealt with so much heart ache they have to put on the strong face to deal with even more. While this is maybe not the most effective way to handle communications with adoptive parents, at times it becomes necessary in order to deal with all the raw emotions adoptive parents are spewing at the adoption professional. I use the term "professional" loosely here as I am well aware that there are MANY (unfortunately) people working in adoptions who are anything but professional. I have worked with some of those both as an adoptive parent as an adoption professional. It isn't fun to work with those people regardless of your position! When you care about the children, any unprofessional adoption worker drives you mad!

But we are people too...we hurt when adoptions shut down, we cry when children die, we are devastated when a parent changes his/her mind about placing a child, we struggle when adoptive parents with children home struggle with their children...I assure you we are not in this for our health! In fact, most of us have health problems brought on by stress. But we do love the children, and we do want to walk with families through one of the most heart-wrenching journeys I have ever taken and I think that is true for many adoptive families.

I digress....Please understand as you call your adoption worker that they have probably talked to 10 other adoptive parents before you who think that their case should take priority over yours. It is humanly impossible to make each case the top priority. Those of us in this for the children do our best to put the most pressing needs to move the most cases forward at the top of the priority list. Those of us who are in this because God has called us to it, spend the first moments of our day asking God to order our steps as at the end of each day the "to do" list has gotten longer and not shorter. If your task didn't make God's list, we apologize and will gladly give you His "number" for you to take it up with Him.

For those of you fortunate enough to have adoption workers who really care for the children, please understand that they are just as emotionally invested in this....probably even more so...than you are! You feel the tug on your heart and the raw emotions of the one, two, or three children you are waiting to bring home. They feel that same thing multiplied times however many children and adoptive families are in their care. When you call to tell them everything they are doing wrong, please remember all the things they have done and all the battles they have fought for you and your child. It is never wrong to question an adoption professional if you believe something fishy is going on, but when they have continually fought for you, kept you informed, etc, give them the benefit of the doubt as you question...it will go a long way! Remember that we are people too..while questioning them is not wrong, think how you feel when you are questioned despite the fact that you have given something all of your heart and most of your time. Your adoption professional is probably going to be a little defensive...this is a natural human reaction to being told you are sorry at your job. And remember that they are entitled to a private life just like you! They will have days when the burden seems too much to bear. If they communicate that to you, don't panic, reassure them as I am sure they have you many times. Don't read their blogs if you don't want to know their feelings...you post your frustrations and anger with them on your blog, they have a right to vent on their blog also! If they call you by name, sue them (well - considering what the Bible says about suing our brothers and sisters, maybe that isn't great advice...but you get my drift!), but if they are doing a general vent, don't hold it against them or don't read their blog if it bothers you!

Most importantly, please understand that no matter how well your adoption professional communicates with you, it is impossible for them to give you every little detail of every little thing! Therefore, remember that when they ask you not to do something specific, or when they tell you that something you want to do is a bad idea (especially if it might interfere with the adoption process or cause an international incident) it is wise to listen to them....they know more about the adoption process than you do. That is why they are where they are! Know that they have an understanding of the system that more than likely you don't. Heed their advice...at least give it a good long thought before you toss it to the wind and do what you want to do anyway.

If you are one of those adoption people who are fortunate enough to have a real caring adoption worker, e-mail them today and tell them how much you appreciate the way they handle themselves in this crazy adoption world! I am betting they haven't heard that from an adoptive parent in a long time...if ever! (If you are one of my adoptive parents and were brave enough to read this, I am not fishing for compliments here! :) If you know my heart for adoption, I can almost guarantee I already know that you appreciate Addy's Hope because you have already told me by the way you handle yourself in this long journey through Liberian adoptions that started at 5 months and are now up to...well, it's too depressing to write the number!)

Lastly, for those of you who think what I am saying is all just stupid and I am a whiner....open your own adoption agency! If you can process adoptions and serve adoptive families and children in need without any of these issues, then we desperately need you in the adoption community!

With warmest regards,
A Weary Adoption Worker Who Feels Much Better After Venting to the World
:)

P.S. I am weary, yes, but stay tuned tomorrow to hear an amazing story of how God graciously and lovingly refueled and confirmed my call today! Ministry is just tough and messy! But it doesn't give me a right to quit when God has called me to this work!

Fundraisers!

I am posting to ask for your help in raising funds for a mission trip to Liberia the end of this month. I am finally getting to go on a mission trip to Liberia! I am sure I will have to do some adoption work, but the main goal of the trip is to teach birthing classes in the villages with my friend who is a midwife. Well, she will be teaching and I will be assisting. Callie is going with me! She and I both are so excited about that. Addy's Hope will not be funding any of this trip as Addy's Hope can't even pay salaries right now! So the fund raising is up to me...the world's worst fund raiser! Tickets have increased since I last traveled. With Callie and I both traveling, we are needing to raise about $7,500. We raised enough at our garage sale to get Callie's visa and help with our guest house fees. We are about $7,000 short! But I am trusting God to provide...and asking for your help to spread the word about two fundraisers I am doing. I would be most grateful if you would let any inter-racial families know about the t-shirt and spread these fundraisers with a link on your blog if you would! I appreciate it greatly!

The first is the sale of the t-shirt I designed and shared on here a few weeks ago. It is for inter-racial families. I will order them after I get a few orders as they are cheaper the more I order...so the more money we raise! :) I share that to tell you it may be a couple of weeks or more before I get the shirt shipped to you! Adult sizes are $15.00 and children's sizes are $10.00. Here is the t-shirt (DO NOT CLICK THE BUY BUTTON - I'M ORDERING THEM LOCALLY):

Make custom t-shirts at CustomInk.com

E-mail me at hollyann@addyshope.com with your order, or you can leave a comment with your order.

The other fundraiser is a fun and unique raffle! We are selling raffle tickets for this beautiful wooden hand-carved nativity set from Liberia. We are selling 100 numbered tickets. The price of the ticket is the number on the ticket (i.e.: ticket #1 is $1, ticket #2 is $2...#50 is $50 etc). So you want to purchase your ticket fast to get the best deal on a ticket! You can e-mail me at hollyann@addyshope.com to find out which tickets are available. There are 11 pieces total (a sheep is hiding behind the donkey)! This is the #1 requested souvenir from Liberia!

Always getting ahead

One of my biggest faults is that I am always trying to get ahead of God. He gives me a vision or a direction, and I run with it! However, many times, I run with it on my time table with my plan...and no, that isn't working too well for me!

As I walk this crazy life trying to figure out how to determine God's will and timing instead of my own, I picked up a book by Stormie OMartian called Just Enough Light fr the Step I'm On. It has been a really good book. I mentioned it in the post about the peace with Ava's medical tests. If you have read any of Stormie's writing, you know she is pretty blunt! She doesn't really sugar coat anything. There are a few things that I don't know that I agree with on a theological level...or maybe just more of a disagreement on where she places emphasis, but she has some really good and amazing points! Here are a few that have really spoken to me!

• "The wilderness is where God takes us when He wants to get Egypt out f our hearts. He wants t separate us from all that we crave, s that all we crave is Him. Just as God wanted to get the taste of Egypt out of the Israelites' mouths, He wants to get the lust fr certain comforts our of our appetites, too. It's not that He doesn't want us to ever be comfortable. It's just that He doesn't want us to depend on the comfortable. He wants us to depend on Him. He doesn't want us to love the comforts more than we love Him. When God aims us in a new direction, we have to let go of what we've known, be willing to embrace the unfamiliar, and trust that He will sustain us on the journey."
• "God wants us to surrender our dreams because we can't be led by Him if we are chasing after a dream of our own making....The dream has to be realized His way."
• "Where there is no vision, the people parish" Prov 29:18 - reminds me of the general public of Liberia! We've got to change that!
• From the chapter, "Expecting a Call": "I've seen many people who were too busy, too drugged out, too tired, to preoccupied, or to in pursuit of riches and fame to hear God calling them. Others were afraid they might be called to insignificance and s they didn't want to know about it. I've known others still who clearly heard the call of God and ran away from it. The direct line from heaven was ringing and they turned up the volume on their lives so they wouldn't have to hear Gd and answer. I've also known people with such a low opinion of themselves that they didn't believe God had them destined for anything great. So when the call came, they thought it must be fr somebody else and didn't respond.
• "The only reason it appears that some people are "more called" by God then others is that they were expecting the call and answered it."

Pretty powerful stuff if I can just apply it! :)