I recently found this song by my new favorite group, Jesus Culture. It describes perfectly my prayer right now! As I walk out of the dark place I have been in for the past few months, I am simply begging God to show Himself to me more each day. Is this a sign of spiritual immaturity, lack of faith or weakness that I need to see God tangibly right now to strengthen me for the battle? Possibly...and probably yes! But I figure even if that's so, I'm in good company! Just like the song I linked talks about, Moses asked to see God's glory (Exodus 33:18). Thomas asked to put his hand in the scars of Jesus hands and side in order to believe (John 20). Gideon questioned God and asked where the miracles were his fathers had spoken of when God commanded him to fight (Judges 6). He threw the fleece out and asked God to work a miracle in order to believe Him and move forward in his obedience. If these men who in the case of Moses and Thomas had literally sat face to face with God need in times of darkness or struggles to ask to see God's glory, I think there is no shame in asking the same for myself!
God's heart is for me to pursue Him. I'm not sitting around waiting on "the miracle" with an attitude of rebellion. I'm not saying if He doesn't do _______(whatever you might put in the blank), I'm not going to believe. I am walking in faith (what little it may be right now) as I wait. I'm asking Him to increase my faith and help me in my unbelief by showing me His power and His greatness. I am asking Him to reaffirm His love for me so I know without a shadow of a doubt that He is pleased in the direction I am headed and I am walking in His power and protection on the path I am on. And I'm asking that my eyes be open to "the little things" He does daily that I miss if I'm not tuned into His workings!
The thing God has showed me in the four weeks that I have been back in the saddle, truly pursuing Him, is that there is a fierce battle! I think we in the Christian realm throw that around a lot..we're in battle. But one night when I was crying out to God, I was reading Daniel 10 where Daniel is crying out to God also and an angel appears and tells Daniel that he started coming to him the first day Daniel sought God, but the Prince of Persia kept him tied up in battle until day 21 when he was finally able to appear to Daniel. I felt a quickening in my spirit that the exact type of thing was happening for me and my family and that I should be praying as one doing battle. I don't even pretend to understand all that just that one scripture means as far as life and Spiritual warfare! But I do know I got on my knees and prayed like I have never prayed before...and suddenly a peace that can't be questioned fell over me. But here is the deal...that battle happens all day every day! That prayer released God's plan for that moment, but I can't stop there. I have to do that kind of battle, on my knees, every day!
Over the past few weeks, I have become so much more aware of the battle. Truly aware that there is an enemy who is against God's plan for me, my husband and my children. There is an enemy who seeks to devour us..he comes with the only intent to steal, kill and destroy. And sadly, without knowing it, or sometimes even just because I believe the lie that I'm too weary...even with knowing it I help him!
So I am asking God to show me His glory. Like Gideon, I am asking God to show up for the battle in a way I can "see" Him! I need to know now more than ever that He is powerful enough to fight this enemy I am up against. I need to know He "has my back" as I walk into the things that I believe He is calling me to....because without Him, NONE of them will work! And I know that my biggest job as wife and mother is to pray for my husband and my children. To go to battle for them daily in order for the plans of the enemy to be thwarted and the plan of God to be brought into being on earth as it is in heaven! I don't take battle lightly anymore! I have on my full armor...and my armor that seems to not fit, I'm asking God to repair and replace so that I can move forward! He knows my heart anyway, no use trying to fake it with God! If I lack faith, I might as well confess it and ask Him for more...He is after all the Author and Perfector of my faith. If I lack belief, I might as well tell Him as Thomas did that I need to see with my "eyes" in order to believe.
I believe in miracles. I believe He still wants to perform miracles, and I believe He does perform miracles. Be looking for a post in the days, weeks, months to come....I'll report back because I believe God will be faithful to answer the prayers I am asking to see Him....tangibly see Him and His glory and His power!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Introducing: Madison Kate Petree
Deuteronomy 10:18 He executes justice for the orphan....
I am pleased to introduce to you Madison Kate Petree, otherwise known in Blog land as "Baby Girl"! We finalized her adoption yesterday. We are now officially a family of nine! Wow! That's crazy! I loved how our attorney put it yesterday, "Today, are you simply doing by law what has already been done in your hearts?" Yes we are!
The Petrees: Paizley (holding Journey), Ava, Toben, Noah, me, John (holding Madison) and Callie. The look on the judge's face is priceless...especially considering his remarks when our attorney asked me how many adopted and how many birthed children we had. When it hit him what that total number was, he looked up from the papers and said, "Do we have a psychological evaluation in here?" That got a laugh from the whole court room!
This is my dear friend, Liz, with her daughter Brittany. They exemplify what a support group looks like to foster parents! She doesn't wait for me to ask, she just calls and says, "I'm bringing dinner over tonight" after reading my facebook post and knowing I had a stressful day. Or being one of the first people to get "papered" so that she could watch our foster babies when we needed to go to a doctor appointment, court or just a date! She has kept Madison numerous days just so I could have time to work on the things God has laid on my heart! She is truly a gift from the Lord as are so many others who He has sent to walk this journey with us! We are so greatful!
This is the Buckner gang who made it all happen! Missy, our CPS adoption worker is on the far right. She has been amazing also! We have been blessed with people in our corner who will work for children. I have had my frustrations through this process, but over all, we have been blessed with only a few minor road bumps! Hard to believe that this journey started just 18 months ago! What a difference a year and a half can make in a life...in my life! Looking forward to what the next year and a half will bring!
Sermons From a 19 Month Old
I love when God uses little moments with my children to teach me! I had just changed Baby Girl's diaper and was playing with her on her floor. We were exchanging hugs and she ran to the other side of the room. I threw my arms open, and she ran as fast as she could back to me and jumped in my arms. We repeated this over and over. As I was watching her I felt God impress on me, "You are just like her". I watched her as she ran back across the room, then I noticed that when she turned back around to face me, she didn't take off running for my arms until she saw that they were open, ready for her. Then she ran with all her might as if something was after her yet smiling from ear to ear as she did it!
As I sat and watched that same event over and over, I knew what God was telling me. I want so badly to run into his open arms. But like Baby Girl, I hesitate. I don't have a visible God sitting on the floor for me to physically run into his physical arms. I have to do it by faith. I have to believe by faith that His arms are open and ready for me to take that leap. That when I run with all my might to Him, He is going to be there with open arms ready to hold me and to heal any wound I acquired on my trip across the room to get to His open arms. That's hard for me these days. Past wounds and disappointments keep me from believing His arms are open. I know He was trying to tell me that just like I am sitting there waiting for her to run to me, so He is for me! And that the same joy and laughter I have when Baby Girl nearly knocks me over when she throws her arms around my neck is the same joy He has when I do the same with Him!
So today, I'm taking that as a love letter from God and I'm choosing to believe He will catch me and hold me close....and I'm running with all my might into His open arms!
As I sat and watched that same event over and over, I knew what God was telling me. I want so badly to run into his open arms. But like Baby Girl, I hesitate. I don't have a visible God sitting on the floor for me to physically run into his physical arms. I have to do it by faith. I have to believe by faith that His arms are open and ready for me to take that leap. That when I run with all my might to Him, He is going to be there with open arms ready to hold me and to heal any wound I acquired on my trip across the room to get to His open arms. That's hard for me these days. Past wounds and disappointments keep me from believing His arms are open. I know He was trying to tell me that just like I am sitting there waiting for her to run to me, so He is for me! And that the same joy and laughter I have when Baby Girl nearly knocks me over when she throws her arms around my neck is the same joy He has when I do the same with Him!
So today, I'm taking that as a love letter from God and I'm choosing to believe He will catch me and hold me close....and I'm running with all my might into His open arms!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Confessions of a Mother of Seven
Hello blog world! Long time, no blogging! We have been busy adjusting to our new normal at my house. John took two weeks off work after Journey was born, and it was amazing! I was very nervous about him going back to work. The big kids are amazing! They are good to take care of themselves and Callie and Paizley are even good to take care of Journey when I need them. But then there is Baby Girl. She is VERY busy! She did amazingly well with the addition of a new baby….until John went back to work. Then the behaviors came out! So we are loving on her a ton and things are getting better! But she is still a very busy and strong-willed toddler. Great traits for later in life as long as we get them headed in the right direction….challenging behaviors for a mom determined to nurse a newborn while taking care of all the other kids and house as well!
The reality of having seven kiddos has definitely settled in. The realities of it financially are definitely setting in. As we look at back to school with five of the seven now in school (clothes, school supplies, back packs, lunch boxes, etc), I can’t say that I haven’t had a few bouts of anxiety about paying for it all (without going into debt!). I am exposing one of my big insecurities, battles, struggles right now. I’m not positive where this is coming from (other than just pure greed, entitlement and selfishness – not my most appealing qualities!) because I really haven’t struggled with this issue in the past. I’ve never been a name brand shopper or over indulged in fads or trends. However, over the past few months, I have had to really fight against bitterness over the things we can’t do because we are a large family. Part of this is probably me coming to grips with the reality that we ARE a large family! We can’t operate like a family of four - and that has implications on many levels. We had looked into a trip to Disney for some time this year, and there is just no way we can afford that right now. We had told our kids that we would try to go this year (but that was last year before we knew we were adding three family members in a year!). You know when you want something but can’t have it, you notice EVERYONE who has it? Well, that is how it has been with Disney this year! It seems like EVERYONE we know has gone to Disney this summer. Obviously, as we tell our teen and pre-teen when they make statements like that, EVERYONE did not go! But the enemy was sure to use every FB post made from Disney to taunt me with the fact that we couldn’t go…but he didn’t stop there! He made sure to remind me that the reason we couldn’t go to Disney was because we have seven kids. If we just had two, there would be no problem going to Disney! And that is just somewhere you can’t go!
The kicker was when I was sitting in the doctor office for Journey’s two week checkup. A mother came in with her teen daughter. They sat down. I glanced over at them and saw they were both viewing their iPhone 4’s (did I mention I don’t even have an iPhone 4, much less my teen or pre-teen daughter???!), both were texting with their sculptured nails and the daughter was wearing her Sperry’s at the end of her obviously tanned legs. I had a wave of guilt hit me. Sitting before me was the embodiment of what my girls want. This girl had all the worldly possessions and things money could buy that my girls want. Let me stop here and say that I am not saying my girls would have these things even if we could financially afford it. But watching my children struggle because of decisions we have made is still one of the hardest things for me personally. Both of the oldest girls are quick to point out what we could have if we didn’t have as many children. I immediately repented of my feelings and asked God to help me deal with the bitterness over the things we can’t have that we used to could afford even if we chose not to have them. I was reminded that God promises to provide for our needs and not our wants and most definitely not our worldly desires. I was also reminded of the blessings of having these children who call me mom! We are in a hard season right now, but the lifelong and more importantly, the eternal implications of having the seven children we have is where my focus needs to be – not on what worldly possessions or fads we have to deny ourselves of right now. And when my focus is there, my daughters’ and rest of my family will hopefully follow with their focus as well!
The reality of having seven kiddos has definitely settled in. The realities of it financially are definitely setting in. As we look at back to school with five of the seven now in school (clothes, school supplies, back packs, lunch boxes, etc), I can’t say that I haven’t had a few bouts of anxiety about paying for it all (without going into debt!). I am exposing one of my big insecurities, battles, struggles right now. I’m not positive where this is coming from (other than just pure greed, entitlement and selfishness – not my most appealing qualities!) because I really haven’t struggled with this issue in the past. I’ve never been a name brand shopper or over indulged in fads or trends. However, over the past few months, I have had to really fight against bitterness over the things we can’t do because we are a large family. Part of this is probably me coming to grips with the reality that we ARE a large family! We can’t operate like a family of four - and that has implications on many levels. We had looked into a trip to Disney for some time this year, and there is just no way we can afford that right now. We had told our kids that we would try to go this year (but that was last year before we knew we were adding three family members in a year!). You know when you want something but can’t have it, you notice EVERYONE who has it? Well, that is how it has been with Disney this year! It seems like EVERYONE we know has gone to Disney this summer. Obviously, as we tell our teen and pre-teen when they make statements like that, EVERYONE did not go! But the enemy was sure to use every FB post made from Disney to taunt me with the fact that we couldn’t go…but he didn’t stop there! He made sure to remind me that the reason we couldn’t go to Disney was because we have seven kids. If we just had two, there would be no problem going to Disney! And that is just somewhere you can’t go!
The kicker was when I was sitting in the doctor office for Journey’s two week checkup. A mother came in with her teen daughter. They sat down. I glanced over at them and saw they were both viewing their iPhone 4’s (did I mention I don’t even have an iPhone 4, much less my teen or pre-teen daughter???!), both were texting with their sculptured nails and the daughter was wearing her Sperry’s at the end of her obviously tanned legs. I had a wave of guilt hit me. Sitting before me was the embodiment of what my girls want. This girl had all the worldly possessions and things money could buy that my girls want. Let me stop here and say that I am not saying my girls would have these things even if we could financially afford it. But watching my children struggle because of decisions we have made is still one of the hardest things for me personally. Both of the oldest girls are quick to point out what we could have if we didn’t have as many children. I immediately repented of my feelings and asked God to help me deal with the bitterness over the things we can’t have that we used to could afford even if we chose not to have them. I was reminded that God promises to provide for our needs and not our wants and most definitely not our worldly desires. I was also reminded of the blessings of having these children who call me mom! We are in a hard season right now, but the lifelong and more importantly, the eternal implications of having the seven children we have is where my focus needs to be – not on what worldly possessions or fads we have to deny ourselves of right now. And when my focus is there, my daughters’ and rest of my family will hopefully follow with their focus as well!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Journey Josiah Petree
Here he is! He is perfect! He wasn't planned by us, but was the perfect gift from God! He was born Thursday, June 23, 2011 at 8:24 am weighing 7 lbs, 13 oz and 20.25 inches long. At one week he is already sleeping through most of the night with me having to wake him up for his feedings. God has blessed us with yet another amazing baby!
Meeting the Family:
Toben
Noah
Ava
Paizley
Callie
My boys!
Meeting the Family:
Toben
Noah
Ava
Paizley
Callie
My boys!
Monday, June 20, 2011
What's in a Name...
Naming kids has always been a difficult thing for John and I. You would think by number 7, we would have a system or something, but no! As of last week, we still didn't have a middle name. One of the things that made it hard on this baby is that God has already spoken so much over this baby. We wanted what had been spoken to be part of his name. I have wondered if we weren't putting a lot of expectation on this baby with the things that have been spoken....is that fair? But God has taken me to many scriptures over the past few months. I have never really thought about babies and children in scripture until God started speaking so much about this pregnancy. But if you look through the Bible, there are plenty of instances where God used babies and children to fulfill promises or talked to women who were pregnant. In Luke 1 God tells of His plans and the big assignment for John the Baptist while Elizabeth was still pregnant. He talks to Mary about Jesus and then send her to Elizabeth who feels her baby leap in her womb at the entrance of his Savior...who is also still in the womb. In the Old
Testament there are plenty of children who fulfilled promises of God like Isaac for Sarah and Abraham and Samuel for Hannah. When we first announced our pregnancy, God told a dear friend that this baby would bring about healing to our family. This was so encouraging! This friend knew the battles John and I have faced in our marriage for the entire 13 years. Hearing that God was doing a work that would bring healing from these was a breath of fresh air! John and I both are ready to have the healed marriage we have been working toward all these years!
I feel like we have lived a lifetime in the last nine months! Paizley has come to live with us, we had and lost B-man, Baby Girl's parents' rights have been terminated and we are moving forward with adoption, John's job has changed drastically, God is calling me to more hours at the agency, the list goes on and on. I have been in what I have heard described by others as a dark night of the soul. I have felt farther away from God than ever before in my life. My faith and trust in Him have been challenged and I have been more tempted to walk away than maybe ever, or at least since Eden's adoption failed. But still there was this promise...this Word that God would bring healing through this baby. I had given up on it. I had decided God had failed me again (yes, I realize the theology in that is totally faulty! God does NOT fail us!). Then I went and spoke to a very wise man at our church and he encouraged me to hang on until the birth. He felt certain when this baby was born, the healing would come. I have had moments in the past three to four weeks where I can taste the victory! I can see what life on the other side of the revelation of the Word is going to look like...but just as quickly the enemy comes and steals it away! It has been battle like never before in our home!
And the middle name had to have some sort of meaning with healing, new beginnings, refreshment or something like that. We searched and searched baby name books and sights. I prayed and prayed for a name to come to us. I had one I felt like fit, but John wasn't crazy about it. So I kept praying and looking. I just knew when I found it, it would settle in our spirit...and it did! I found a website that had Biblical names and meanings. And that's where we found it! His middle name will be Josiah...it means "healed by God" and fits perfectly with the Journey God has had us no this entire pregnancy!
a journey of healing by God....exactly what we have been on and are looking to be completely fulfilled when he is born.
Testament there are plenty of children who fulfilled promises of God like Isaac for Sarah and Abraham and Samuel for Hannah. When we first announced our pregnancy, God told a dear friend that this baby would bring about healing to our family. This was so encouraging! This friend knew the battles John and I have faced in our marriage for the entire 13 years. Hearing that God was doing a work that would bring healing from these was a breath of fresh air! John and I both are ready to have the healed marriage we have been working toward all these years! Through the journey of the past 9 months, we have clung to this Word from God! When we had our first doctor's appointment a
nd we couldn't see a heart beat, John felt God assure him that the baby was fine and it was a boy! There were some personal things that John was dealing with that made having a biological son a challenge. I rested in the fact that John knew everything was ok while we waited that entire week before the next appointment when we saw and heard a healthy heartbeat!
nd we couldn't see a heart beat, John felt God assure him that the baby was fine and it was a boy! There were some personal things that John was dealing with that made having a biological son a challenge. I rested in the fact that John knew everything was ok while we waited that entire week before the next appointment when we saw and heard a healthy heartbeat! John also had dreams that he was confident had spiritual meaning. Most of them involved rain and refreshing. Then I had the night that I posted about after Paizley's finazlization when we had the only rain storm we have had in the past year! We have clung to these moments over the past few months! And as these moments have happened, I felt confident that they needed to be reflected in Baby Boy's name!
I feel like we have lived a lifetime in the last nine months! Paizley has come to live with us, we had and lost B-man, Baby Girl's parents' rights have been terminated and we are moving forward with adoption, John's job has changed drastically, God is calling me to more hours at the agency, the list goes on and on. I have been in what I have heard described by others as a dark night of the soul. I have felt farther away from God than ever before in my life. My faith and trust in Him have been challenged and I have been more tempted to walk away than maybe ever, or at least since Eden's adoption failed. But still there was this promise...this Word that God would bring healing through this baby. I had given up on it. I had decided God had failed me again (yes, I realize the theology in that is totally faulty! God does NOT fail us!). Then I went and spoke to a very wise man at our church and he encouraged me to hang on until the birth. He felt certain when this baby was born, the healing would come. I have had moments in the past three to four weeks where I can taste the victory! I can see what life on the other side of the revelation of the Word is going to look like...but just as quickly the enemy comes and steals it away! It has been battle like never before in our home!
During some of the roughest parts of the last few months, I was reading Mandisa's biography. This quote is in it, and it sums up what we have felt over our entire marriage: "Victory lies in the journey and the lessons we learn along the way". And it sums up why we picked Baby Boy's first name....
And the middle name had to have some sort of meaning with healing, new beginnings, refreshment or something like that. We searched and searched baby name books and sights. I prayed and prayed for a name to come to us. I had one I felt like fit, but John wasn't crazy about it. So I kept praying and looking. I just knew when I found it, it would settle in our spirit...and it did! I found a website that had Biblical names and meanings. And that's where we found it! His middle name will be Josiah...it means "healed by God" and fits perfectly with the Journey God has had us no this entire pregnancy!
Journey Josiah
a journey of healing by God....exactly what we have been on and are looking to be completely fulfilled when he is born.
Friday, June 17, 2011
The Process
I had a friend share a link with me yesterday that really hits the nail on the head, I think! I'm not usually really vocal about my frustration with the "Church" being so vocal in their political views, but then not really providing a solution to the social problems they are so quick to speak out against. But twice in the past week this has come up! Here is the link to a CNN Belief blog.
I am teaching an equipping class at church on adoption. I am using the If You Were Mine curriculum put out by Hope for Orphans which is an extension of Family Life. This past week, Dennis Rainey, the director of Family Life (at least I think that is his title), made a statement that has haunted me. He said something to the effect of maybe Roe V Wade has not been reversed because the Church (capital C) is not pro-adoption. What would we do with the millions of children who would need homes if they had not been aborted?
I am not trying to dis on the church here! I know there are plenty of people doing good things. There are more Christians adopting now than ever before...but is still isn't enough! And adoption isn't the only answer! We need orphan care ministries, foster families, people willing to train moms and dads how to be moms and dads so they don't lose their children. There is somewhere anyone could plug into in order to help with this epidemic. No, not everyone is called to adoption. But aren't we called to be God's hands and feet? Can we really look in the mirror and say it's not my problem? I read some of the comments on the post I shared above. They were interesting. I wanted to get mad, but realized that so many of them were true. One said that Christians believe life begins at conception and ends at birth. His point was that we are willing to fight for them to be born but then not willing to do what it takes to give them a quality life after their born. Ouch! Are we really LIVING the gospel if we are only willing to talk about political convictions and rally for laws to change but not ready to be inconvenienced enough to take one of those children you are fighting to live into your home for the rest of their life? Just some thoughts.....
I am teaching an equipping class at church on adoption. I am using the If You Were Mine curriculum put out by Hope for Orphans which is an extension of Family Life. This past week, Dennis Rainey, the director of Family Life (at least I think that is his title), made a statement that has haunted me. He said something to the effect of maybe Roe V Wade has not been reversed because the Church (capital C) is not pro-adoption. What would we do with the millions of children who would need homes if they had not been aborted?
I am not trying to dis on the church here! I know there are plenty of people doing good things. There are more Christians adopting now than ever before...but is still isn't enough! And adoption isn't the only answer! We need orphan care ministries, foster families, people willing to train moms and dads how to be moms and dads so they don't lose their children. There is somewhere anyone could plug into in order to help with this epidemic. No, not everyone is called to adoption. But aren't we called to be God's hands and feet? Can we really look in the mirror and say it's not my problem? I read some of the comments on the post I shared above. They were interesting. I wanted to get mad, but realized that so many of them were true. One said that Christians believe life begins at conception and ends at birth. His point was that we are willing to fight for them to be born but then not willing to do what it takes to give them a quality life after their born. Ouch! Are we really LIVING the gospel if we are only willing to talk about political convictions and rally for laws to change but not ready to be inconvenienced enough to take one of those children you are fighting to live into your home for the rest of their life? Just some thoughts.....
Saturday, June 11, 2011
My obedience (or disobedience) effects more than just me!
My obedience (or disobedience) effects more than just me! That was the theme of the first of a sermon series our pastor is doing on the prophets Elijah and Elisha. Woke up at 4 am and couldn't go back to sleep. Knew God wanted me to get up...so listened to the sermon that I missed last week and boy did God have something to say! I would highly recommend you watch the sermon! It is great! You can get it on podcast or watch it here.
The sermon is based on I Kings 17 when Elijah goes to Ahab and tells him there will be a drought. This chapter is filled with obedience that doesn't make sense by both Elijah and the widow. God has been calling me to an area of obedience that I just keep dragging my feet. I have all kinds of excuses for why I'm not doing it. Legitimate excuses by worldly standards...an even Christian standards. But bottom line is when God says move, and you sit, you are disobedient!
God has said get the domestic program running for Addy's Hope. He knocked down my first argument months ago: but with seven kids, God, I can't go to work again! They need me! I need to be full-time, undistracted mom to these children! God spoke during another sermon and told me to lay that idea of "mom" on the alter just like Abraham did Isaac. Isaac was the key to God's fulfilled promise to Abraham of a multitude of descendants and God told Abraham to kill him...and Abraham - in faith - put him on the altar and raised the knife! That is what God told me do with my idea of "mom" to seven!
My next argument is that I can't work with seven kids! Baby Girl is 17 months old...need I say more all you mothers of toddlers?! Trying to do something like write policies or make a professional phone call with a 17 month old climbing on the table getting into the chocolate jar is not really my idea of convenient or really even possible some days. Yet, we do not have the money for me to put her in child care. God knocked that argument down by sending friends who have a passion for adoption who have volunteered to watch her so I can get the policies written.
I could go on and on with my excuses and God's answers! But this morning as I listened to Daniel's message about Elijah, I was convicted of the ripple effect of my disobedience. This is something I have thought about often over the past 6-9 months as God has continually sent people to remind me of His command...people that need the services Addy's Hope will offer once this program is open. Families who want to adopt from the state, but are stuck in the system because there is not an adoption only minded agency in West Texas. They are having to become foster parents and THEN adopt...even when they have identified children on TARE they are already willing to adopt. There's a faster way for those parents! We could serve them! Ripple number one!
Then there is the state! Everyone knows that fostering is not about the money (if you are doing it for the right reasons)! But foster care costs the state and thus tax payers billions of dollars every year! Daniel stated a statistic in his sermon that in 2009 25.1 BILLION dollars went to foster care federally! I know here in Texas, the Department of Family Protective Services has received a budget cut like no other! So the system charged with protecting our children that was running on shoe string budget anyway is now cut even more! Don't get me started on my thoughts of those cuts....but lets look at numbers a minute. We had Paizley as a foster placement for one month before she was moved to an adoptive placement. Foster parents receive a daily stipend for caring for a foster child. It's much more than I ever imagined before we started fostering. Let me say again, money should NEVER be the reason you foster! But when you are fostering, you do receive money. When Paizley was moved into an "adoptive placement" in our home, the money of course is cut. When you adopt older children you still get a subsidy to help offset the costs and to encourage families to take on the harder to place children (at least I think that is the motivation behind it). Anyway, when she moved into the adoptive placement, the state immediately began saving $500 a month! That's $6,000 a year....and that's just ONE child. And that doesn't include the money saved on salaries of workers having to monitor her case, etc! There are over 6,000 children in Texas in foster care ready to be adopted. If we found families for each of those children, the state would save over $36,000,000 a year!!!!! Oh my word! What could we do to care for children if we weren't having to pay out that $36,000,000 a year in foster care?! Not to mention the cost and reward that far exceeds those numbers to these children being in stable, permanent families to heal and become successful adults and citizens! Ripple number two...
And I could go on and on with the ripples! God has revealed again and again to me this morning the effects of my disobedience...not just to me and my family, but to everyone He intends to touch or bless through the work He does with Addy's Hope.
I had already set today aside to do work on policies and such. But God was gracious enough to remind me that I am not just obeying for obedience sake! When I obey, I open up the doors for Him to bless me and my family. I allow the path for Him to fulfill the promises He has spoken. None of that can be done in disobedience.
Am I scared? YES! Do I have all the answers? NO! Just like Daniel pointed out, Elijah spoke the words to Ahab that put him in danger BEFORE God revealed the plan to protect and provide for him! As you know from my previous posts, I struggle with how most of my big "faith" steps have turned out (which Daniel also addressed and I'll save for another time!), but one thing I can testify to and can't deny is that when I am walking in faith, God reveals ONE STEP AT A TIME! When I take this step, He will show the next! And there will be blessings along the way! Will there be heartache and trials too, probably! But if I keep my focus on HIM, those will pale in comparison to His blessings and the peace of walking in obedience!
My instructions from God that I need to obey is setting up the agency's domestic program...what is yours? Let me encourage you to take a step toward obedience in that area today! Don't wait! Slow obedience is no obedience! We'll do it together!
The sermon is based on I Kings 17 when Elijah goes to Ahab and tells him there will be a drought. This chapter is filled with obedience that doesn't make sense by both Elijah and the widow. God has been calling me to an area of obedience that I just keep dragging my feet. I have all kinds of excuses for why I'm not doing it. Legitimate excuses by worldly standards...an even Christian standards. But bottom line is when God says move, and you sit, you are disobedient!
God has said get the domestic program running for Addy's Hope. He knocked down my first argument months ago: but with seven kids, God, I can't go to work again! They need me! I need to be full-time, undistracted mom to these children! God spoke during another sermon and told me to lay that idea of "mom" on the alter just like Abraham did Isaac. Isaac was the key to God's fulfilled promise to Abraham of a multitude of descendants and God told Abraham to kill him...and Abraham - in faith - put him on the altar and raised the knife! That is what God told me do with my idea of "mom" to seven!
My next argument is that I can't work with seven kids! Baby Girl is 17 months old...need I say more all you mothers of toddlers?! Trying to do something like write policies or make a professional phone call with a 17 month old climbing on the table getting into the chocolate jar is not really my idea of convenient or really even possible some days. Yet, we do not have the money for me to put her in child care. God knocked that argument down by sending friends who have a passion for adoption who have volunteered to watch her so I can get the policies written.
I could go on and on with my excuses and God's answers! But this morning as I listened to Daniel's message about Elijah, I was convicted of the ripple effect of my disobedience. This is something I have thought about often over the past 6-9 months as God has continually sent people to remind me of His command...people that need the services Addy's Hope will offer once this program is open. Families who want to adopt from the state, but are stuck in the system because there is not an adoption only minded agency in West Texas. They are having to become foster parents and THEN adopt...even when they have identified children on TARE they are already willing to adopt. There's a faster way for those parents! We could serve them! Ripple number one!
Then there is the state! Everyone knows that fostering is not about the money (if you are doing it for the right reasons)! But foster care costs the state and thus tax payers billions of dollars every year! Daniel stated a statistic in his sermon that in 2009 25.1 BILLION dollars went to foster care federally! I know here in Texas, the Department of Family Protective Services has received a budget cut like no other! So the system charged with protecting our children that was running on shoe string budget anyway is now cut even more! Don't get me started on my thoughts of those cuts....but lets look at numbers a minute. We had Paizley as a foster placement for one month before she was moved to an adoptive placement. Foster parents receive a daily stipend for caring for a foster child. It's much more than I ever imagined before we started fostering. Let me say again, money should NEVER be the reason you foster! But when you are fostering, you do receive money. When Paizley was moved into an "adoptive placement" in our home, the money of course is cut. When you adopt older children you still get a subsidy to help offset the costs and to encourage families to take on the harder to place children (at least I think that is the motivation behind it). Anyway, when she moved into the adoptive placement, the state immediately began saving $500 a month! That's $6,000 a year....and that's just ONE child. And that doesn't include the money saved on salaries of workers having to monitor her case, etc! There are over 6,000 children in Texas in foster care ready to be adopted. If we found families for each of those children, the state would save over $36,000,000 a year!!!!! Oh my word! What could we do to care for children if we weren't having to pay out that $36,000,000 a year in foster care?! Not to mention the cost and reward that far exceeds those numbers to these children being in stable, permanent families to heal and become successful adults and citizens! Ripple number two...
And I could go on and on with the ripples! God has revealed again and again to me this morning the effects of my disobedience...not just to me and my family, but to everyone He intends to touch or bless through the work He does with Addy's Hope.
I had already set today aside to do work on policies and such. But God was gracious enough to remind me that I am not just obeying for obedience sake! When I obey, I open up the doors for Him to bless me and my family. I allow the path for Him to fulfill the promises He has spoken. None of that can be done in disobedience.
Am I scared? YES! Do I have all the answers? NO! Just like Daniel pointed out, Elijah spoke the words to Ahab that put him in danger BEFORE God revealed the plan to protect and provide for him! As you know from my previous posts, I struggle with how most of my big "faith" steps have turned out (which Daniel also addressed and I'll save for another time!), but one thing I can testify to and can't deny is that when I am walking in faith, God reveals ONE STEP AT A TIME! When I take this step, He will show the next! And there will be blessings along the way! Will there be heartache and trials too, probably! But if I keep my focus on HIM, those will pale in comparison to His blessings and the peace of walking in obedience!
My instructions from God that I need to obey is setting up the agency's domestic program...what is yours? Let me encourage you to take a step toward obedience in that area today! Don't wait! Slow obedience is no obedience! We'll do it together!
Friday, June 10, 2011
Our Oldest!
Our wonderful friend, Brooke of Brooke Holland Photography, took these amazing pictures of Paizley for her sweet 16 and new adoption! Brooke did an amazing job of capturing Paizley's personality! She can be so much fun! Thank you, Brooke!
This is my favorite picture of her!! It shows her beautiful smile! We have been told by more than one person that she even looks different since coming to live with us! I agree. There is a peace and a calm about her. She looks nothing like the picture that we saw of her 7 months ago...the one on TARE that introduced us to the girl who was to become our daughter! Can you believe we didn't even know she existed 8 months ago???? Craziness!!! God works in mysterious ways! And in less time than it takes to complete a pregnancy, we became legal (and spiritual way before legal) parents of a 15-soon to be 16- year old! Wow!
Can't believe I have a high school student in my home! We are looking forward to dance team trips and football games to cheer on our Bulldog!!!
Her funny side! It's my favorite!
Our Princess!
She writes amazing poetry and uses journaling as a way to deal with all that she has been through! Girl after my own heart!
This is my favorite picture of her!! It shows her beautiful smile! We have been told by more than one person that she even looks different since coming to live with us! I agree. There is a peace and a calm about her. She looks nothing like the picture that we saw of her 7 months ago...the one on TARE that introduced us to the girl who was to become our daughter! Can you believe we didn't even know she existed 8 months ago???? Craziness!!! God works in mysterious ways! And in less time than it takes to complete a pregnancy, we became legal (and spiritual way before legal) parents of a 15-soon to be 16- year old! Wow!
Can't believe I have a high school student in my home! We are looking forward to dance team trips and football games to cheer on our Bulldog!!!
Her funny side! It's my favorite!
Our Princess!
She writes amazing poetry and uses journaling as a way to deal with all that she has been through! Girl after my own heart!
Monday, May 30, 2011
Losing Perspective: The Bigger Picture
Since we entered the world of adoption 10 years ago, it has taken me to many hard places. But even through all the hard places, I never lost my heart for the orphan...until recently.
I don't know what happened. I don't know if it was a culmination of all that happened in Liberia, the accusations and insults of adoptive parents, bringing a teenager into our home, other personal struggles with Go or if it is just the refining fire of God in my life. Whatever the reason, over the past year I can see where the fire in me that has burned for the orphan and the people desiring to care for them has been snuffed out. I have lost the desire to really work for families or children. I have refused my calling. I know it is my choice because Romans 11:29 says, "the gifts and calling of God are irrevocable". He hasn't taken anything from me, but I have chosen to walk away!
Even before we started Addy's Hope five and a half years ago, I "worked" for a different adoption agency talking to people about adoption and even doing a couple of seminars on adoption. I say "worked" because it was a voluntary position! But I LOVED it! At that time Noah's adoption was the only personal story I had, but it was enough. My heart was on fire for orphans, and I was realizing the calling God has placed on my life for orphans and families wanting to care for them. It was so exciting! I felt like I could conquer any obstacle. I had faith that could move mountains....then Liberia happened.
I still don't understand that four years. I celebrate the children who came home, but my heart will always grieve those who didn't make it. My heart will always hurt with the families who had to give up hope (some still hold on and they are my heroes!) as we did for Eden. Even those families who don't understand why I would not stoop to illegal measure or dance with the devil to get children home, I hurt even for them. No matter who you are, when you love a child that remains half way around the world, I can relate!
I don't understand what happened. I don't understand why mine as well as hundreds of other's prayers were not answered in the events of Liberia. I don't understand why my faith and my trust and my belief didn't prevail! That time of my life when I was meeting with the Vice President, many government officials as well as legislatures in Liberia seems like a life time away! Somewhere over the past 18 months, that woman who fought those battles and believed she could conquer any obstacle if God was on her side left the building! She let doubt, disbelief and the lies of the enemy creep in and steal away her heart for the children and the families loving them. Her heart became hard. Her wounds over took her. I miss her!
I've said to John many times over the past few months, "I miss who I used to be." I wasn't sure how to get me back! I have never stopped spending daily time in the word. I have not stopped praying or asking God to restore me. Yet despite these disciplines, it has been a dark night of the soul. God hasn't spoken much. When He has, I have hung on it with my every ounce of being...but then the silence again, and the dark cloud would move in once again.
I know some of this is spiritual. I know that when I walk closely with God and have visions and dreams for furthering His Kingdom, the enemy will stop at nothing to stop me (or you!). But I also know that there are times that God is silent to require us to press in closer. I also know that whatever "causes" these dark times, God will is near. He has not left me.
I am reminded of that this morning! A dream of mine since we started Addy's' Hope was to be able to walk with other Christians as they pursue adoption. At the time we started Addy's Hope, we were at a church that really didn't welcome that. But God has placed us at a new church these past couple of years that has a heart for adoption! I don't know what my role will be in that, but I am ready and waiting for whatever it is! For right now, it is teaching a class created by Hope for Orphans called "If You Were Mine". It is an introduction for people considering adoption. I was reviewing it this morning preparing for the first session on Sunday. I have been waiting for the fire to come back. I knew God told me to offer to lead the class as I am tired of sitting in a pew and know that adoption and orphan ministry is one area I can lead in at a church. But I did it out of obedience not necessarily out of a desire to lead a class on adoption. In fact, in our current adoption experience, I find it hard to encourage people to adopt.
But as I listened to the video for the first session this morning, I felt some embers burn again! Praise God! I was reminded why I believe in adoption. It is not because it is worth it in a worldly way. I mean, who would intentionally cause themselves heartache, increase chances of rejection, put increased financial burdens, commit to emotional overload and exhausting just for fun? Not many! But I was reminded today that adoption is the bigger picture! Taking these children into our home is the gospel brought to reality and flesh for a dying world. When I take in a child who has nothing to offer me but rejection and despair, I am doing exactly what Jesus did for me when He went to the cross knowing I would complain and moan about my calling! But here's the thing. Because adoption is a bigger picture, it is literally beyond myself! I cannot love these children, especially the ones from hard places, without the love of Christ in me first. It requires my total surrender to Him to love them. My love is a selfish, very conditional, very limited love. That is all the love the world has to offer. Sadly, that is the realm I have been operating in for the most part the past few months. But I was reminded this morning that the love of Christ, the love that lives in me and I have full access to love my children through is a self-less, unconditional, limitless love! It can give even when not being received. The video reminded me of the truths of adoption! Mine (spiritually) and my children's (physically)! It amazes me how easily my perspective shifted. It amazes me how quickly the fire went out with just a couple of lies from the enemy that I then allowed to put out the fire burning in me for orphans and families. I'm ready to ignite those fires again! I'm ready to walk in all that God has for me and my family. I'm ready to be an example of the gospel again and love these children in a way that shows them Jesus! And I'm ready to stand before a group of people at the beginning of the adoption journey and tell them, "You can do it! It's worth it!" - and MEAN it!
Thank You, God for fanning the flames this morning! Thank you for the truths that were spoken that reminded me of why I do this crazy thing I do! Thank you for reminding me that The Church is the answer to a fallen world. Without the fall, there would be no orphans! But there was a fall, there are orphans, and The Church has to be the answer...and in being the answer, we will point a dying and hopeless world to YOU! Thank you for never leaving me and never giving up on me even when I give up on You! Now help me love these six children who have come in fifty times just while trying to write this blog! :)
I don't know what happened. I don't know if it was a culmination of all that happened in Liberia, the accusations and insults of adoptive parents, bringing a teenager into our home, other personal struggles with Go or if it is just the refining fire of God in my life. Whatever the reason, over the past year I can see where the fire in me that has burned for the orphan and the people desiring to care for them has been snuffed out. I have lost the desire to really work for families or children. I have refused my calling. I know it is my choice because Romans 11:29 says, "the gifts and calling of God are irrevocable". He hasn't taken anything from me, but I have chosen to walk away!
Even before we started Addy's Hope five and a half years ago, I "worked" for a different adoption agency talking to people about adoption and even doing a couple of seminars on adoption. I say "worked" because it was a voluntary position! But I LOVED it! At that time Noah's adoption was the only personal story I had, but it was enough. My heart was on fire for orphans, and I was realizing the calling God has placed on my life for orphans and families wanting to care for them. It was so exciting! I felt like I could conquer any obstacle. I had faith that could move mountains....then Liberia happened.
I still don't understand that four years. I celebrate the children who came home, but my heart will always grieve those who didn't make it. My heart will always hurt with the families who had to give up hope (some still hold on and they are my heroes!) as we did for Eden. Even those families who don't understand why I would not stoop to illegal measure or dance with the devil to get children home, I hurt even for them. No matter who you are, when you love a child that remains half way around the world, I can relate!
I don't understand what happened. I don't understand why mine as well as hundreds of other's prayers were not answered in the events of Liberia. I don't understand why my faith and my trust and my belief didn't prevail! That time of my life when I was meeting with the Vice President, many government officials as well as legislatures in Liberia seems like a life time away! Somewhere over the past 18 months, that woman who fought those battles and believed she could conquer any obstacle if God was on her side left the building! She let doubt, disbelief and the lies of the enemy creep in and steal away her heart for the children and the families loving them. Her heart became hard. Her wounds over took her. I miss her!
I've said to John many times over the past few months, "I miss who I used to be." I wasn't sure how to get me back! I have never stopped spending daily time in the word. I have not stopped praying or asking God to restore me. Yet despite these disciplines, it has been a dark night of the soul. God hasn't spoken much. When He has, I have hung on it with my every ounce of being...but then the silence again, and the dark cloud would move in once again.
I know some of this is spiritual. I know that when I walk closely with God and have visions and dreams for furthering His Kingdom, the enemy will stop at nothing to stop me (or you!). But I also know that there are times that God is silent to require us to press in closer. I also know that whatever "causes" these dark times, God will is near. He has not left me.
I am reminded of that this morning! A dream of mine since we started Addy's' Hope was to be able to walk with other Christians as they pursue adoption. At the time we started Addy's Hope, we were at a church that really didn't welcome that. But God has placed us at a new church these past couple of years that has a heart for adoption! I don't know what my role will be in that, but I am ready and waiting for whatever it is! For right now, it is teaching a class created by Hope for Orphans called "If You Were Mine". It is an introduction for people considering adoption. I was reviewing it this morning preparing for the first session on Sunday. I have been waiting for the fire to come back. I knew God told me to offer to lead the class as I am tired of sitting in a pew and know that adoption and orphan ministry is one area I can lead in at a church. But I did it out of obedience not necessarily out of a desire to lead a class on adoption. In fact, in our current adoption experience, I find it hard to encourage people to adopt.
But as I listened to the video for the first session this morning, I felt some embers burn again! Praise God! I was reminded why I believe in adoption. It is not because it is worth it in a worldly way. I mean, who would intentionally cause themselves heartache, increase chances of rejection, put increased financial burdens, commit to emotional overload and exhausting just for fun? Not many! But I was reminded today that adoption is the bigger picture! Taking these children into our home is the gospel brought to reality and flesh for a dying world. When I take in a child who has nothing to offer me but rejection and despair, I am doing exactly what Jesus did for me when He went to the cross knowing I would complain and moan about my calling! But here's the thing. Because adoption is a bigger picture, it is literally beyond myself! I cannot love these children, especially the ones from hard places, without the love of Christ in me first. It requires my total surrender to Him to love them. My love is a selfish, very conditional, very limited love. That is all the love the world has to offer. Sadly, that is the realm I have been operating in for the most part the past few months. But I was reminded this morning that the love of Christ, the love that lives in me and I have full access to love my children through is a self-less, unconditional, limitless love! It can give even when not being received. The video reminded me of the truths of adoption! Mine (spiritually) and my children's (physically)! It amazes me how easily my perspective shifted. It amazes me how quickly the fire went out with just a couple of lies from the enemy that I then allowed to put out the fire burning in me for orphans and families. I'm ready to ignite those fires again! I'm ready to walk in all that God has for me and my family. I'm ready to be an example of the gospel again and love these children in a way that shows them Jesus! And I'm ready to stand before a group of people at the beginning of the adoption journey and tell them, "You can do it! It's worth it!" - and MEAN it!
Thank You, God for fanning the flames this morning! Thank you for the truths that were spoken that reminded me of why I do this crazy thing I do! Thank you for reminding me that The Church is the answer to a fallen world. Without the fall, there would be no orphans! But there was a fall, there are orphans, and The Church has to be the answer...and in being the answer, we will point a dying and hopeless world to YOU! Thank you for never leaving me and never giving up on me even when I give up on You! Now help me love these six children who have come in fifty times just while trying to write this blog! :)
Friday, May 20, 2011
The Rain
When I went to bed last night, I had a peace I haven't had in months. Yesterday couldn't have been more perfect!
I have a confession to make. When I left the house yesterday, I wasn't all that excited about the day. In fact, I kind of just wanted to get it over with. I didn't want to have to pretend like I had all these warm and fuzzy feelings that I really didn't have. But this is a testimony of the power and blessing of obedience! Despite my less-than-excited feelings, I made time before we left to ask friends to pray for the spiritual side of our day - that this act would bring about supernatural healing for Paizley in all the broken places of her heart - and I spent time in prayer myself. But I have to say it was more of a check list thing - prayer: check! But God can use even our checklist actions to work for His good!
I'm not sure when things changed, but I think it happened when I was on the stand being asked if we understood that we were accepting her as our child forever with all the rights and responsibilities of a blood born child. As I looked back and forth from the lawyer to Paizley, as I saw the excitement mixed with fear in her eyes, my hardened heart softened. I wanted her to know my heart's desire! What I didn't realize is what must have been occurring in the heavenlies at that moment! I still don't know for sure, but it was big whatever it was!
The day truly was perfect. Even as I blogged and posted the pictures last night, I wasn't totally aware as I am this morning of what had transpired yesterday! I had a very hard time going to sleep because for the first time in months I was at peace - perfect peace. That sounds like I should have fallen right to sleep, right? Well, I wouldn't let myself because that peace has been so hard to come by these past few months that I was afraid falling asleep would put me back in the place of unrest. I eventually dosed off....
I woke suddenly to a noise on my window. I laid motionless to hear again. It was rain! After almost a year of drought, it was raining! I immediately said a prayer of thanks and rolled over to go to sleep. I woke up again when John got out of bed to check and make sure the sunroom wasn't leaking. I hadn't realized how hard it was raining! I kind of half joked with myself, "Oh God, you sent rain for us!" Meaning for John and me! Several months ago we had a word spoken over us about refreshment and the latter rain. John even had a dream about rain and felt it had spiritual significance. Little did I know that little joke was much more I now believe.
After a couple of kids coming in afraid of the thunder and a couple more trips to check the sun room leak, we went back to sleep. I was startled awake again by a rapid knock on my door and a very scared "Mom?!" Took me a minute to realize it wasn't one of the little kids. It was Paizley, "I'm scared!" Without sharing details, let me just say I immediately knew the significance of yesterday's events! I also knew in that moment that the rain was for us! Not saying it was only for us, but totally know that God used it as an encouragement that HIS rain has started! Physically and for our house spiritually! A great victory was won in the heavenlies yesterday! I don't begin to understand it. I have felt spiritually ill-equipped to handle and complete overwhelmed through this journey since Paizley came to live with us. I know that we underestimate the spiritual aspect of what goes on in adoptions! I am learning that full well! But I know that the enemy is ticked off! He knows his time with this precious young lady is coming to a close! He may have had access to her in the past, but she now belongs to a home that is covered with the Blood and he will no longer have that access to her! Praise God!
I haven't spoken a lot about this side of things because - well, even when I talk about them with John or close friends, I feel weird. I sound like a freak describing a sci-fi movie! But I am guessing there are other adoptive families out there dealing with spiritual battles that they may not even know are spiritual! I don't want them to feel alone! I want families who are about to embark on an adoption journey to be more prepared spiritually than we ever have been to handle what my be coming their way! We, as adoption professionals, talk about all kinds of things to prepare families, but I have never heard anyone talk about what may be entering your home spiritually! I am not a hyper spiritual person and am sure not saying to look for a demon under every rock or go crazy on this thing, but the last 24 hours have proven very enlightening in this matter of adoption and the spirit realm! With the finalization of this adoption - with the words spoken by me, John and Paizley yesterday, we made a covenant! We made a decision to be a family. We created a physical picture of what Jesus did for each of us at the cross and we then accept his adoption of us as His children by entering a personal relationship with Him! By so doing, we took back ground that is rightfully ours from the enemy! He no longer has open season on one sweet young soul! Oh sweet victory! Not sure my feet will touch the floor today! And it has been a LONG time since I have "felt" that way! Thank you, Jesus!!!
And for all you friends who stood by us in prayer, THANK YOU! You may not have even known what you were praying for or about, but He did and He answered your prayers! I have no doubt that it was the prayers that stormed heaven that allowed the events of yesterday to break free what they did in the spiritual realm! When I didn't have the strength to pray it myself, you did! Thank you!
I have a confession to make. When I left the house yesterday, I wasn't all that excited about the day. In fact, I kind of just wanted to get it over with. I didn't want to have to pretend like I had all these warm and fuzzy feelings that I really didn't have. But this is a testimony of the power and blessing of obedience! Despite my less-than-excited feelings, I made time before we left to ask friends to pray for the spiritual side of our day - that this act would bring about supernatural healing for Paizley in all the broken places of her heart - and I spent time in prayer myself. But I have to say it was more of a check list thing - prayer: check! But God can use even our checklist actions to work for His good!
I'm not sure when things changed, but I think it happened when I was on the stand being asked if we understood that we were accepting her as our child forever with all the rights and responsibilities of a blood born child. As I looked back and forth from the lawyer to Paizley, as I saw the excitement mixed with fear in her eyes, my hardened heart softened. I wanted her to know my heart's desire! What I didn't realize is what must have been occurring in the heavenlies at that moment! I still don't know for sure, but it was big whatever it was!
The day truly was perfect. Even as I blogged and posted the pictures last night, I wasn't totally aware as I am this morning of what had transpired yesterday! I had a very hard time going to sleep because for the first time in months I was at peace - perfect peace. That sounds like I should have fallen right to sleep, right? Well, I wouldn't let myself because that peace has been so hard to come by these past few months that I was afraid falling asleep would put me back in the place of unrest. I eventually dosed off....
I woke suddenly to a noise on my window. I laid motionless to hear again. It was rain! After almost a year of drought, it was raining! I immediately said a prayer of thanks and rolled over to go to sleep. I woke up again when John got out of bed to check and make sure the sunroom wasn't leaking. I hadn't realized how hard it was raining! I kind of half joked with myself, "Oh God, you sent rain for us!" Meaning for John and me! Several months ago we had a word spoken over us about refreshment and the latter rain. John even had a dream about rain and felt it had spiritual significance. Little did I know that little joke was much more I now believe.
After a couple of kids coming in afraid of the thunder and a couple more trips to check the sun room leak, we went back to sleep. I was startled awake again by a rapid knock on my door and a very scared "Mom?!" Took me a minute to realize it wasn't one of the little kids. It was Paizley, "I'm scared!" Without sharing details, let me just say I immediately knew the significance of yesterday's events! I also knew in that moment that the rain was for us! Not saying it was only for us, but totally know that God used it as an encouragement that HIS rain has started! Physically and for our house spiritually! A great victory was won in the heavenlies yesterday! I don't begin to understand it. I have felt spiritually ill-equipped to handle and complete overwhelmed through this journey since Paizley came to live with us. I know that we underestimate the spiritual aspect of what goes on in adoptions! I am learning that full well! But I know that the enemy is ticked off! He knows his time with this precious young lady is coming to a close! He may have had access to her in the past, but she now belongs to a home that is covered with the Blood and he will no longer have that access to her! Praise God!
I haven't spoken a lot about this side of things because - well, even when I talk about them with John or close friends, I feel weird. I sound like a freak describing a sci-fi movie! But I am guessing there are other adoptive families out there dealing with spiritual battles that they may not even know are spiritual! I don't want them to feel alone! I want families who are about to embark on an adoption journey to be more prepared spiritually than we ever have been to handle what my be coming their way! We, as adoption professionals, talk about all kinds of things to prepare families, but I have never heard anyone talk about what may be entering your home spiritually! I am not a hyper spiritual person and am sure not saying to look for a demon under every rock or go crazy on this thing, but the last 24 hours have proven very enlightening in this matter of adoption and the spirit realm! With the finalization of this adoption - with the words spoken by me, John and Paizley yesterday, we made a covenant! We made a decision to be a family. We created a physical picture of what Jesus did for each of us at the cross and we then accept his adoption of us as His children by entering a personal relationship with Him! By so doing, we took back ground that is rightfully ours from the enemy! He no longer has open season on one sweet young soul! Oh sweet victory! Not sure my feet will touch the floor today! And it has been a LONG time since I have "felt" that way! Thank you, Jesus!!!
And for all you friends who stood by us in prayer, THANK YOU! You may not have even known what you were praying for or about, but He did and He answered your prayers! I have no doubt that it was the prayers that stormed heaven that allowed the events of yesterday to break free what they did in the spiritual realm! When I didn't have the strength to pray it myself, you did! Thank you!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
The Journey: Introducing Paizley Ruth Petree
"God sets the lonely in families" ~Psalm 68:6I am pleased to introduce to you our newest (legal) addition: Paizley Ruth Petree (standing with Judge Hatch who just ordered it to be so!)! We are official now!
We went to court today! I prayed that it would be a spiritual and loving experience, and my prayers were answered! I took the stand to testify to our intentions with Paizley. As the lawyer asked me if we understood what adopting her meant, I replied, "Yes, We want her forever." Paizley looked at me and grinned. Then in what had to be a diving move, he said, "You understand that adoption is just like if you had given birth to her by blood." These words were profound because Paizley's last foster placement had told her that "you" can't love other children like your blood. These words haunt her often. My heart smiled when the lawyer used these exact words! I sat a little taller, looked straight into Paizley's eyes across the room and choked out, "Yes, I understand and that is our desire." She smiled back through her own tears. I pray that those words and that moment in time are etched in her mind and heart forever, erasing previous words and settling in her heart forever that I love her the same as any child I gave birth to.
When it was over, Judge Hatch came down off the stand and mingled with all of us. It was just a sweet time! There really was a team of people that worked on this adoption. Even the judge commented on the thorough report done by the social worker for the case. Erin, her CPS worker was amazing! She is the reason that we could find her on TARE on October and have her in our home by the end of November! Our Buckner case worker drove all the way up to Lubbock to be there. And we are very thankful she did because she babysat all the other kids (Baby Girl being the one needing it most!) during the actual court proceedings! This is the team that worked so diligently to get us to this day!
It truly was a wonderful day! A time of refreshing and reminding me of why it is we do this thing we do, both as a family and as a professional! Yes the past six months have been hard, and we will have more hard times to come, but it - SHE is worth it! Today reminded me that placing a child in a family is worth whatever heart ache it takes to make it happen and make it last! Buckner gave us a ton of presents that all made me cry! One was a flip calendar on love. The one for today was so fitting as I read it out loud to her. It was about "choosing" love and getting rid of all escape routes in any relationship you have! Wow! Perfect timing....for her and me! And it is so true! Today was significant in that it solidified our desire to get rid of all escape routes! She is ours! Period!
Judge Hatch has a tradition of letting new adoptees pick a stuffed animal from his office. He told her he knew that she might not be as young as some, but offered it to her anyway, and of course she took him up on it! And this is what she chose! Just another reminder of the little girl who never got to be a little girl...until now! Sweet moment!
But God wasn't done with us yet! After court we went to the mall. A precious friend is doing a photo shoot with Paizley this Saturday for her sweet sixteen pictures, so she wanted to get a new outfit. Shopping is always a bit of a conflicting experience, so it was tense at times. But on our way out of the mall, I saw that the Heart Gallery (how we learned about her back in October) was set up. She had one more store she wanted to look in and while I was in there, I remembered that we hadn't received her heart gallery picture like we had been told we would. Just made a mental note to call Erin to see when we might could get that. I didn't know if she would want to look at the Heart Gallery pictures or not. Sometimes she can be very sensitive about these things and I wasn't sure what the temperature was today. I kind of headed that direction to look at just a few of them. She followed and got excited when she recognized a couple of the kids. She became sad when she showed me one young man who was in an adoptive placement in that foster home I mentioned earlier, but found out today that foster family (you know the one who told her they couldn't love another like blood) backed out on him. Her heart broke for him. If anyone is looking for a 13 year old boy who wants badly to be in a family, I have a little man for you! We continued around the pictures, and I hear her say, "It's me!" I thought she was joking! But sure enough, there she was! Her Heart Gallery picture was right there with her profile just like all the rest! Seeing my daughter's picture looking for a family was a little surreal! Then seeing her standing beside it and hearing her read the words that we read off a computer screen 7 months ago - our introduction to her - was, well, not really any words to describe it!
My favorite part? It's the little sign hanging on the top left corner - "Family Selected"! Yep, on the day we finalized, God gave me a perfect picture of His redemptive power! From a little girl smiling into a camera, dreaming - but never really believing - that someone would see that picture and choose her as their forever daughter to the beautiful young woman standing right beside it - no more piercings, I might add (a post for another day)- confident in her new found role as daughter! Just a perfect picture!
"I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you" ~John 14:18
Going to bed the blessed mom to 7 amazing children! Looking forward to the day Baby Girl's face doesn't have to be blurred and she too is legally ours! Thank you, God despite my doubts, my fears, my insecurities and my many failures as a mother, you have allowed me to call these mine! Thank you for today and the reminders of how blessed I am to be on this journey, as hard as it is, with this amazing young woman!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
My Baby Boy
It's almost midnight. The house is quiet. I don't seem to have the house to myself when all are asleep and all is quiet much these days. Since I have some quiet moments and I don't think I could sleep if I laid my head down, I figured I would sit and reflect on some things that were shared with me today. Not anything new, but words that have been resonating in my head and need to move them to my heart. Even though I am almost to week 34 and only 5 weeks and 2 days away from scheduled delivery, I have not had time (nor taken the time) to process and truly connect with this baby like I did the girls. Obviously life was a little different with my first two births. But regardless of what life is like right now, this baby deserves the same celebration, reflection and attention that was given to the girls...and to the adoptions of the others! So I'm going to trust God to replace my sleep tonight and spend some time with my Baby Boy!
My Dearest Baby Boy,
Wow! Where have the past 8 months gone? Seems like just yesterday I was sitting there staring at a white stick wondering how life would change because of two little lines! So many emotions! So many feelings! Excitement, shock, fear - what will your Daddy say???? - apprehension, awe, love...they were all there! Then we go to the first sonogram not even knowing for sure how old you are yet, and no heart beat. More emotions! More confusion. There has never been a more unplanned baby by two parents. But there has never been a more planned baby by God. I haven't really stopped to think about that, really. I have said it in passing. I've made the comment in order to not make us look stupid or crazy for having baby number seven at such an advanced maternal age...but to really sit and reflect on what it means that even in our unplanning of your life, you were conceived...as I told the details of the total shock of finding out I was pregnant today, I was struck by the person's excitement that I was telling. He smiled from ear to ear and said, "Talk about destiny! You know something big is happening with this baby!" Daddy and I believe EVERY baby born is of God - no matter the circumstances or the means of conception! But it truly is exciting to sit and realize the ways we "prevented" a life and yet God worked through it all to bring you into existence! NOTHING could have been further from our minds than having a baby! We had just committed to Paizley the week before we found out I was pregnant. We were making arrangements to bring in a teenager...not a newborn! We were dreaming of cars and proms not diapers and bottles!
But even as I type this watching my belly move beneath my arms, I am in awe that God would bless us with your life despite our means of prevention! As I heard my friend talk today about the big plans God must have for you, my spirit jumped for joy! I am reminded of Pastor Daniel's talk a few weeks back about Luke 1. We see onesies and nursery decorations, but God sees a life, a man, a destiny! God has every one of your days ordained already! He is knitting you together perfectly in my womb! You are fearfully and wonderfully made already! God has a plan for you in His kingdom calendar that required you to come to earth NOW! Right at this moment...even if Mommy and Daddy were too selfish or worldly or consumed or whatever to know it!
I haven't seen you yet, but I love you! I haven't had time to sing to you like I did the girls, but I know you hear my voice plenty as I talk to all your brothers and sisters! I can't say that I don't have fears Mr. Number Seven! I can't say that I don't worry that you will get lost in the crowd at times, that I don't worry about not having the time to just sit and hold you and relish in your newborn babiness! But I trust that God in His divine wisdom and knowledge knew that when He created you! He knew exactly what our life would be like in June 2011 when you were to arrive!
From the moment we told that we were pregnant, God has been speaking about your life and it's purposes! I am in awe! God has taken me to Luke 1 again and again as Elizabeth and Mary speak of the babies in their wombs. I don't pretend to be carrying the Messiah or even the one to prepare the way for the Messiah, but I know God has used those versus to prepare me to be your mommy! He has used them to help me accept His plan for my life and yours! He has used them to show me that He has huge plans for little bitty babies just like you who are not even breathing air yet!
We aren't sharing your name yet, but I pray you will love it! Your name has come out of all the words spoken about you during my pregnancy! It has significant meaning, and my prayer is that every time it is spoken, you are reminded of the purposes and plans God has for you!
Just a few weeks and I will hold you! Until then I will try not to complain too much about my swollen ankles or aching back! I will press on through the fatigue, and I will relish every kick to the rib and punch to the bladder! I will miss knowing I can fully protect and comfort you in my womb and feeling your ever present presence there! For I know that as soon as I see your face, your journey will have begun in this world! A world that has an enemy that seeks to kill , steal and destroy! But Baby Boy, even in this evil world, there is One who will rescue you and provide you with a life here and for eternity that is like none other - a life that He has already started speaking into even before your heart beat was detected - a life with a perfect plan for hope and a future! And I will spend my life telling you about Him! I am so thankful that God has created you! You may not have been in my plan, but you have always been in His~ never forget that!
Love,
Mommy
My Dearest Baby Boy,
Wow! Where have the past 8 months gone? Seems like just yesterday I was sitting there staring at a white stick wondering how life would change because of two little lines! So many emotions! So many feelings! Excitement, shock, fear - what will your Daddy say???? - apprehension, awe, love...they were all there! Then we go to the first sonogram not even knowing for sure how old you are yet, and no heart beat. More emotions! More confusion. There has never been a more unplanned baby by two parents. But there has never been a more planned baby by God. I haven't really stopped to think about that, really. I have said it in passing. I've made the comment in order to not make us look stupid or crazy for having baby number seven at such an advanced maternal age...but to really sit and reflect on what it means that even in our unplanning of your life, you were conceived...as I told the details of the total shock of finding out I was pregnant today, I was struck by the person's excitement that I was telling. He smiled from ear to ear and said, "Talk about destiny! You know something big is happening with this baby!" Daddy and I believe EVERY baby born is of God - no matter the circumstances or the means of conception! But it truly is exciting to sit and realize the ways we "prevented" a life and yet God worked through it all to bring you into existence! NOTHING could have been further from our minds than having a baby! We had just committed to Paizley the week before we found out I was pregnant. We were making arrangements to bring in a teenager...not a newborn! We were dreaming of cars and proms not diapers and bottles!
But even as I type this watching my belly move beneath my arms, I am in awe that God would bless us with your life despite our means of prevention! As I heard my friend talk today about the big plans God must have for you, my spirit jumped for joy! I am reminded of Pastor Daniel's talk a few weeks back about Luke 1. We see onesies and nursery decorations, but God sees a life, a man, a destiny! God has every one of your days ordained already! He is knitting you together perfectly in my womb! You are fearfully and wonderfully made already! God has a plan for you in His kingdom calendar that required you to come to earth NOW! Right at this moment...even if Mommy and Daddy were too selfish or worldly or consumed or whatever to know it!
I haven't seen you yet, but I love you! I haven't had time to sing to you like I did the girls, but I know you hear my voice plenty as I talk to all your brothers and sisters! I can't say that I don't have fears Mr. Number Seven! I can't say that I don't worry that you will get lost in the crowd at times, that I don't worry about not having the time to just sit and hold you and relish in your newborn babiness! But I trust that God in His divine wisdom and knowledge knew that when He created you! He knew exactly what our life would be like in June 2011 when you were to arrive!
From the moment we told that we were pregnant, God has been speaking about your life and it's purposes! I am in awe! God has taken me to Luke 1 again and again as Elizabeth and Mary speak of the babies in their wombs. I don't pretend to be carrying the Messiah or even the one to prepare the way for the Messiah, but I know God has used those versus to prepare me to be your mommy! He has used them to help me accept His plan for my life and yours! He has used them to show me that He has huge plans for little bitty babies just like you who are not even breathing air yet!
We aren't sharing your name yet, but I pray you will love it! Your name has come out of all the words spoken about you during my pregnancy! It has significant meaning, and my prayer is that every time it is spoken, you are reminded of the purposes and plans God has for you!
Just a few weeks and I will hold you! Until then I will try not to complain too much about my swollen ankles or aching back! I will press on through the fatigue, and I will relish every kick to the rib and punch to the bladder! I will miss knowing I can fully protect and comfort you in my womb and feeling your ever present presence there! For I know that as soon as I see your face, your journey will have begun in this world! A world that has an enemy that seeks to kill , steal and destroy! But Baby Boy, even in this evil world, there is One who will rescue you and provide you with a life here and for eternity that is like none other - a life that He has already started speaking into even before your heart beat was detected - a life with a perfect plan for hope and a future! And I will spend my life telling you about Him! I am so thankful that God has created you! You may not have been in my plan, but you have always been in His~ never forget that!
Love,
Mommy
Friday, May 13, 2011
A Night to Remember....
A night to remember...ha! John and I had a good laugh as we reflected on our date tonight! So what do parents of 6 with one due in a month do on a date night? Let's see...one of our mission teams from our church had an amazing fund raising idea to keep kids for a parents' night out and of course we took full advantage of it! Dropped the kids off at the church and we were ready for a HOT date!
First stop, Sam's! We needed toilet paper! While we were there, we had our romantic dinner over chili dogs at the Sam's Deli. Where do you go from a great start to a date like that? Well, how about to Best Buy to replace your computer that crashed earlier in the week! Wait, just in case you are jealous, it gets better! We headed to the mall. We needed a couple of gifts for this weekend, and I got my eyebrows waxed! :) Now you are really jealous, aren't you?!
We topped off the evening by taking a trip to Lowe's to look at concrete stain.
And that my friends was a fabulous evening! Because when you are mom and dad to 6-almost 7 kids, any evening without a diaper or quarrel is F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S!
Now, I'm putting my tired mommy body to bed! Good Night!
First stop, Sam's! We needed toilet paper! While we were there, we had our romantic dinner over chili dogs at the Sam's Deli. Where do you go from a great start to a date like that? Well, how about to Best Buy to replace your computer that crashed earlier in the week! Wait, just in case you are jealous, it gets better! We headed to the mall. We needed a couple of gifts for this weekend, and I got my eyebrows waxed! :) Now you are really jealous, aren't you?!
We topped off the evening by taking a trip to Lowe's to look at concrete stain.
And that my friends was a fabulous evening! Because when you are mom and dad to 6-almost 7 kids, any evening without a diaper or quarrel is F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S!
Now, I'm putting my tired mommy body to bed! Good Night!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
A Secret No More!
We got a bit more news at the doctor than we planned last week! As soon as the sono tech put the wand on my abdomen, I was pretty sure I was looking at something telling. I didn't have to wander long because she froze it and started typing on the screen. It was one of those moments where you feel like you are running in slow motion! I was pretty sure what she was typing, but couldn't process it fast enough to say something or even sure I wanted to say something! It came letter by letter - S-T-I-L-L A B-O-Y! I said, "Oh! We didn't know!" She took it off the screen really fast....like that would make me forget!
So looks like we are having a baby boy! All the kids were thrilled as they all wanted a boy..except Ava. She said she was ok with it if we would name him Justin Beiber! Guess she won't be ok with it!
I am not thrilled that we know, but making the best of it and getting clothes and such ready! I am thrilled that we are having another boy! We were getting a little heavy on the pink side, so this will help us be a little blue-er around here!
We have a name picked out. It has significant meaning. But we are not sharing the name yet. Still working on the middle name. But at least now we know what name to focus on!
So looks like we are having a baby boy! All the kids were thrilled as they all wanted a boy..except Ava. She said she was ok with it if we would name him Justin Beiber! Guess she won't be ok with it!
I am not thrilled that we know, but making the best of it and getting clothes and such ready! I am thrilled that we are having another boy! We were getting a little heavy on the pink side, so this will help us be a little blue-er around here!
We have a name picked out. It has significant meaning. But we are not sharing the name yet. Still working on the middle name. But at least now we know what name to focus on!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Buckner Devotion
May is Foster Month and Buckner evidently send out a daily devotion via e-mail. One of the local Buckner workers asked me if I would write a devotion for it. Little intimidating, but thought surly with all my blogging and crazy experiences, I could come up with a devotion...so this is the result! :)
“Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win.” I Corinthians 9: 24
I am not a runner and have never run a race. But I recently watched our 15 year old run in her first track meet. She did not win first prize, but we could not have been prouder of her! She ran in such a way to win. She quit track the first day. It was too hard. John and I sat her down and explained that we would not allow her to quit. She had started and made a commitment to a team, and we expected her to fulfill that commitment. As I watched her cross the finish line, I knew she had just learned a valuable life lesson, and she taught me something also.
We have been involved in adoption and fostering for 10 years. Those years have brought us to places and battles we never expected. The race has been hard, in fact at times, excruciating! The sacrifices we have made to have a large family and to take in children from hard places has made the race a little longer and more tiring than I expected when we started. But as I watched my newest daughter cross the finish line, I knew that I have to do what I am asking of her. I must run this race God has called me to without quitting. Yes we could have more “things” if we did not have so many children, and I would have more time for those little pleasures I miss at times, but I must keep my eye on the prize of the race God has called me to run. The thing that makes that so hard is the prize in this race is of eternal perspective. It is the prize of raising children who had a rough start but are now pursuing the heart of God and know what it is to be loved not only by a Heavenly Father, but by an earthly mother and father as well. So in those moments when their past seems to overwhelm us and their words seem to cut to the core of our heart, we must choose to focus on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, and continue to run this race without quitting! As I watched my daughter run across the finish line, I was encouraged as I believe God sees me just like I saw her. I don’t always parent as I should – I say the wrong thing, I do the wrong thing, I break a promise or wound an already wounded heart - but as long as I keep running and don’t quit, He is just as proud of me as I was of her!
“Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win.” I Corinthians 9: 24
I am not a runner and have never run a race. But I recently watched our 15 year old run in her first track meet. She did not win first prize, but we could not have been prouder of her! She ran in such a way to win. She quit track the first day. It was too hard. John and I sat her down and explained that we would not allow her to quit. She had started and made a commitment to a team, and we expected her to fulfill that commitment. As I watched her cross the finish line, I knew she had just learned a valuable life lesson, and she taught me something also.
We have been involved in adoption and fostering for 10 years. Those years have brought us to places and battles we never expected. The race has been hard, in fact at times, excruciating! The sacrifices we have made to have a large family and to take in children from hard places has made the race a little longer and more tiring than I expected when we started. But as I watched my newest daughter cross the finish line, I knew that I have to do what I am asking of her. I must run this race God has called me to without quitting. Yes we could have more “things” if we did not have so many children, and I would have more time for those little pleasures I miss at times, but I must keep my eye on the prize of the race God has called me to run. The thing that makes that so hard is the prize in this race is of eternal perspective. It is the prize of raising children who had a rough start but are now pursuing the heart of God and know what it is to be loved not only by a Heavenly Father, but by an earthly mother and father as well. So in those moments when their past seems to overwhelm us and their words seem to cut to the core of our heart, we must choose to focus on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, and continue to run this race without quitting! As I watched my daughter run across the finish line, I was encouraged as I believe God sees me just like I saw her. I don’t always parent as I should – I say the wrong thing, I do the wrong thing, I break a promise or wound an already wounded heart - but as long as I keep running and don’t quit, He is just as proud of me as I was of her!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
The Journey: SCORE!!!!
So one of the things that has been so tough with this journey for me with Paizley is that no matter what I do, it's not enough. I'm still the wicked step-mother type character. Well, yesterday I scored! We went to Lubbock to her track meet, so I had pictures from the meet. I bought a scrapbook (my first two kids have amazing scrapbooks, Toben has a few pages, Ava has a few pages, Baby Girl has a scrapbook and some pictures and...well, you get the idea!) for Paizley and put the track pictures in it. I put the scripture from 1 Corinthians about running the race as the one to gain the prize and journaled about how proud we were of her that she finished the race! Even though she didn't get first prize in the actual race, in our hearts she won first because she didn't quit! She worked hard, pressed through the tough spots and finished! Track is the first thing she can ever remember finishing when it got hard instead of quitting and running! So it was a way for me to tell her things I have a hard time expressing right now because of my own hurt and rejection in the relationship. I put it on her bed so she would find it when she got home. She came out with a huge grin on her face and gave me a big hug and told me thank you! She has never had an album before and was excited to have one of her very own.
Yes! Finally! I found at least one word in her love language! I'll take it!!!! And I'll be doing a litte more in her book today! :)
Yes! Finally! I found at least one word in her love language! I'll take it!!!! And I'll be doing a litte more in her book today! :)
Monday, May 2, 2011
Relating to Thomas
"But Thomas, one of the twelve, called Didymus, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples were saying to him, "We have seen the Lord!" But he said to them, "Unless I see in His hands the imprint of the nails, and put my finger into the place of the nails, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe." After eight days His disciples were again inside, and Thomas with them. Jesus came, the doors having been shut, and stood in their midst and said, "Peace be with you." Then He said to Thomas, "Reach here with your finger, and see My hands; and reach here your hand and put it into My side; and do not be unbelieving, but believing." Thomas answered and said to Him, "My Lord and my God!" ~ John 20
I have never really faulted Thomas for doubting! I guess because I have always related to him just a tad bit, but in this season of my life, I would almost call him my hero!
We had an amazing message on Thomas and his doubts yesterday. The message was geared toward unbelievers doubting for salvation, but it was very applicable to me in my season of winter. I don't doubt God for my salvation. I don't even doubt God in His abilities or power. I do doubt God's love for me and the fulfillment of any good or blessing in my life as I've tried to walk a life of faith and not sight.
I have written some about it here, but not extensively. Probably won't because it is just too raw...even for a totally transparent girl like myself! I don't need the words of my many critics to fan the flames the enemy already has burning in me.
I know the Word of God! There is not much anyone can say to me in my state of doubt that I haven't said to myself or written on a note card at sometime over the past few years to help combat my doubt and ever creeping despair at walking a life of faith. I can listen to myself describe my doubts and be disgusted with them! I can hear how immature it sounds. I can hear how unBiblical they sound! But ignoring the doubts exist is getting me no where! And that is where God used the sermon yesterday to speak to me!
One of the questions in our small group discussion about the sermon was, "Are you a glass half-full or half-empty person?" I used to be the former, but am now the latter. AND. I. HATE. IT.
I miss my faith filled, positive, life-loving self. I don't know when this ugly version of her moved in, but I'm ready to evict her! I've tried several times over the past couple of years, but circumstances and hard life realities have moved her right back in.
God has been revealing to me over the past weeks just how wounded my heart is. When I really began a personal relationship with Jesus, He asked us to do some pretty crazy things by faith. I loved it! I was all in! But all but one of those things have ended with deep wounds and not-so-happy endings. I know in my heart somewhere that the ending is not the outcome, it is the obedience that is the outcome. But the wounds left by the less than desirable outcomes are making it very difficult for me to move forward in faith.
My work in Liberia is one of the deepest wounds. I thought I had put it behind me and was ready to move forward with whatever God has for me and Addy's Hope in the way of children, whether here or in Africa, but lately I am seeing where the wounds from that entire time are paralyzing me. I celebrate the children that God allowed to come home, but the ones left behind, the dreams I had to abandon...those linger. The wounding words of fellow Christians who had no idea what we were dealing with or how my heart longed to give them the answers they wanted still linger in my heart. I didn't do everything right. There are things in hindsight I wish I had done differently, but there are also many things that I know without a doubt God gave me explicit instructions to do that many didn't understand and still criticize and ostracize me because of them. It's a staff I called family that in the end I couldn't count on. It's hard to literally give your life for a cause that ended in so many crucifying you. Yet I know Jesus knows exactly how that feels times 1,000!
I would hope that knowledge would draw me closer to him, but for some reason (I'm sure it is my immaturity and spoiled outlook of things)it has put me in a place of doubting walking by faith. Living life with seven and a half people, many of whom are deeply wounded souls, who depend on me daily for so many needs leaves me wondering how I will make it through even one more day. It has put me in a place of doubting giving up worldly comforts for a life of sold out to God living. I don't like this place!
That is why this morning I sat with God and read again through the story of Thomas. So many things God has said have not come to pass...did I miss what He said or has the time just not come yet for them to be fulfilled? Either way, it leaves me longing for a fresh touch from God. A real, tangible, meaningful-to-me reminder that God cares and is worth my life...ALL of it! So why is Thomas my hero? Because he needed that too! He says in John 20 that he will not believe until he touches! So what does Jesus do? He comes back....just for him!! He repeats word for word what Thomas said to his friends that he needed in order to believe! Jesus provided it! The proof Thomas needed...and then instructed him to stop his disbelief!
I know Jesus is calling me to stop my disbelief also. He can't fully use me as long as my disbelief lingers. But this morning, I felt strongly that God gave me a few things I could ask for as my "proof"....just like Thomas did! I'm not a "name it and claim it" type believer. God can do what He wants when He wants. I believe in prayer and I believe in asking God for the desires of my heart, but to state something as fact then expect God to bow to my whim, that is not what I see in scripture. But I do believe God wants to be personal to us just like Jesus was to Thomas! So I have asked for some proof. And I am moving ahead believing the proof is coming and anticipating the answers with great excitement.
I'm ready to be back on the glass half-full team! I'm ready to leave doubt and disbelief behind me....for good! Not just an emotional high that takes me right back to the pit when it's over. I know God will provide a personal and lasting encounter! He will meet me right where I am and provide a personal, meaningful encounter with Him that will help me overcome these doubts and disbelief! He did it for Thomas! And I'm believing for Him to do it for me!
To be continued.....
I have never really faulted Thomas for doubting! I guess because I have always related to him just a tad bit, but in this season of my life, I would almost call him my hero!
We had an amazing message on Thomas and his doubts yesterday. The message was geared toward unbelievers doubting for salvation, but it was very applicable to me in my season of winter. I don't doubt God for my salvation. I don't even doubt God in His abilities or power. I do doubt God's love for me and the fulfillment of any good or blessing in my life as I've tried to walk a life of faith and not sight.
I have written some about it here, but not extensively. Probably won't because it is just too raw...even for a totally transparent girl like myself! I don't need the words of my many critics to fan the flames the enemy already has burning in me.
I know the Word of God! There is not much anyone can say to me in my state of doubt that I haven't said to myself or written on a note card at sometime over the past few years to help combat my doubt and ever creeping despair at walking a life of faith. I can listen to myself describe my doubts and be disgusted with them! I can hear how immature it sounds. I can hear how unBiblical they sound! But ignoring the doubts exist is getting me no where! And that is where God used the sermon yesterday to speak to me!
One of the questions in our small group discussion about the sermon was, "Are you a glass half-full or half-empty person?" I used to be the former, but am now the latter. AND. I. HATE. IT.
I miss my faith filled, positive, life-loving self. I don't know when this ugly version of her moved in, but I'm ready to evict her! I've tried several times over the past couple of years, but circumstances and hard life realities have moved her right back in.
God has been revealing to me over the past weeks just how wounded my heart is. When I really began a personal relationship with Jesus, He asked us to do some pretty crazy things by faith. I loved it! I was all in! But all but one of those things have ended with deep wounds and not-so-happy endings. I know in my heart somewhere that the ending is not the outcome, it is the obedience that is the outcome. But the wounds left by the less than desirable outcomes are making it very difficult for me to move forward in faith.
My work in Liberia is one of the deepest wounds. I thought I had put it behind me and was ready to move forward with whatever God has for me and Addy's Hope in the way of children, whether here or in Africa, but lately I am seeing where the wounds from that entire time are paralyzing me. I celebrate the children that God allowed to come home, but the ones left behind, the dreams I had to abandon...those linger. The wounding words of fellow Christians who had no idea what we were dealing with or how my heart longed to give them the answers they wanted still linger in my heart. I didn't do everything right. There are things in hindsight I wish I had done differently, but there are also many things that I know without a doubt God gave me explicit instructions to do that many didn't understand and still criticize and ostracize me because of them. It's a staff I called family that in the end I couldn't count on. It's hard to literally give your life for a cause that ended in so many crucifying you. Yet I know Jesus knows exactly how that feels times 1,000!
I would hope that knowledge would draw me closer to him, but for some reason (I'm sure it is my immaturity and spoiled outlook of things)it has put me in a place of doubting walking by faith. Living life with seven and a half people, many of whom are deeply wounded souls, who depend on me daily for so many needs leaves me wondering how I will make it through even one more day. It has put me in a place of doubting giving up worldly comforts for a life of sold out to God living. I don't like this place!
That is why this morning I sat with God and read again through the story of Thomas. So many things God has said have not come to pass...did I miss what He said or has the time just not come yet for them to be fulfilled? Either way, it leaves me longing for a fresh touch from God. A real, tangible, meaningful-to-me reminder that God cares and is worth my life...ALL of it! So why is Thomas my hero? Because he needed that too! He says in John 20 that he will not believe until he touches! So what does Jesus do? He comes back....just for him!! He repeats word for word what Thomas said to his friends that he needed in order to believe! Jesus provided it! The proof Thomas needed...and then instructed him to stop his disbelief!
I know Jesus is calling me to stop my disbelief also. He can't fully use me as long as my disbelief lingers. But this morning, I felt strongly that God gave me a few things I could ask for as my "proof"....just like Thomas did! I'm not a "name it and claim it" type believer. God can do what He wants when He wants. I believe in prayer and I believe in asking God for the desires of my heart, but to state something as fact then expect God to bow to my whim, that is not what I see in scripture. But I do believe God wants to be personal to us just like Jesus was to Thomas! So I have asked for some proof. And I am moving ahead believing the proof is coming and anticipating the answers with great excitement.
I'm ready to be back on the glass half-full team! I'm ready to leave doubt and disbelief behind me....for good! Not just an emotional high that takes me right back to the pit when it's over. I know God will provide a personal and lasting encounter! He will meet me right where I am and provide a personal, meaningful encounter with Him that will help me overcome these doubts and disbelief! He did it for Thomas! And I'm believing for Him to do it for me!
To be continued.....
The Journey: "Mark it on the calendar!"
I shared in my last post about the struggle our latest adoption has been. Well, this weekend provided no relief, in fact it was pretty bad. To the point she said she wanted to call off the adoption. It was all drama, when we sat and talked she didn't really want to call it off, but hearing those words after all we are doing to try and reach her and love on her broke my heart and made me want to give up. But just like we told her, giving up isn't an option!
But even in the midst of the emotions of the weekend, God gave me a moment to cling to in hope! We were looking at the calendar as we turned a new month to see what all was on tap for this week and those coming. Paizley was in the kitchen where the family calendar is and she says, "Mom! Mark mother's day on the calendar! I haven't gotten to celebrate that in years because I have been in shelters the past few mother's days." That will bring tears even to a wounded momma's heart!
Makes me stop and remember what I am dealing with! I am not just dealing with a 15 year old, I am dealing with a 15 year old who has been deaply wounded. I am dealing with a 15 year old who has been tossed about time after time, discarded, rejected, the list goes on and on. I am also dealing with spiritual issues that I can't even begin to understand or explain!
As we start a new week, I am determined to focus on that one moment and put the other 100 behind me from this weekend! There is a little girl in there who wants a mother to love her and celebrate life with her! I just have to be diligent and patient to lovingly dig through the layers to connect with her!
God reminded me hour by hour how you love me and how you love her! Teach me to love her like you do! Show me how to love beyond my own hurts and forgive her as you forgive me. Show me how to model all these for her so that she too can be whole!
But even in the midst of the emotions of the weekend, God gave me a moment to cling to in hope! We were looking at the calendar as we turned a new month to see what all was on tap for this week and those coming. Paizley was in the kitchen where the family calendar is and she says, "Mom! Mark mother's day on the calendar! I haven't gotten to celebrate that in years because I have been in shelters the past few mother's days." That will bring tears even to a wounded momma's heart!
Makes me stop and remember what I am dealing with! I am not just dealing with a 15 year old, I am dealing with a 15 year old who has been deaply wounded. I am dealing with a 15 year old who has been tossed about time after time, discarded, rejected, the list goes on and on. I am also dealing with spiritual issues that I can't even begin to understand or explain!
As we start a new week, I am determined to focus on that one moment and put the other 100 behind me from this weekend! There is a little girl in there who wants a mother to love her and celebrate life with her! I just have to be diligent and patient to lovingly dig through the layers to connect with her!
God reminded me hour by hour how you love me and how you love her! Teach me to love her like you do! Show me how to love beyond my own hurts and forgive her as you forgive me. Show me how to model all these for her so that she too can be whole!
Friday, April 29, 2011
The Journey: The Date is Set
We have a date! Callie discovered Princess M on TARE the first of October. She came to live with us November 23, and on May 19, 2011, she will officially become Paizley Ruth Petree - in case you are follwing, YES, that is a new name! :) Naming a 15 year old has its challenges! She got tired of Isabella, so this is it! It is officially on the court papers!
Haven't blogged much about his journey lately. Haven't felt like I have much good to say, so I've done what my momma taught me and just kept quiet! It's hard! Much harder than I even thought. Harder for her, harder for me, harder for our family than what I anticipated! Just like the birth of your first child, no amount of reading, talking to people or research can really prepare you for taking in a teen that comes from a wounded past.
But one thing remains the same..I know God called us to her and her to us! I don't doubt that at all! It is what keeps me going on the good days and causes me to shake my finger at Him on the bad days. I morn my life before November 23 on many days. Things were so much simpler. I'm not sharing anything that Paizley and her dad and I haven't discussed together. There are many times she morns her life before us also. It was easier before someone had expectatons and cared she says. I can understand that on some level.
But as I tell her and we tell ourselves, God didn't call us to the easy life, He called us to the Holy and righteous life! He is refining all of us through this! I trust Him (most days) to bring beauty from these ashes....I trust on faith because sight truly just sees lots of ashes most days....and not just hers, but mine! Bringing her home has been the most fault magnifying thing I have ever done! But as a worship song says that we sing often at our church, I will beleive by faith I am who He says I am, and I will continue to try each day to learn how to be a mother to this life that God has entrusted to us!
And on May 19, it will be legal and official! Will be glad to have that day behind us and praying the impact of what it means will rock her to her core as someone has finally done what they said they would do!
Haven't blogged much about his journey lately. Haven't felt like I have much good to say, so I've done what my momma taught me and just kept quiet! It's hard! Much harder than I even thought. Harder for her, harder for me, harder for our family than what I anticipated! Just like the birth of your first child, no amount of reading, talking to people or research can really prepare you for taking in a teen that comes from a wounded past.
But one thing remains the same..I know God called us to her and her to us! I don't doubt that at all! It is what keeps me going on the good days and causes me to shake my finger at Him on the bad days. I morn my life before November 23 on many days. Things were so much simpler. I'm not sharing anything that Paizley and her dad and I haven't discussed together. There are many times she morns her life before us also. It was easier before someone had expectatons and cared she says. I can understand that on some level.
But as I tell her and we tell ourselves, God didn't call us to the easy life, He called us to the Holy and righteous life! He is refining all of us through this! I trust Him (most days) to bring beauty from these ashes....I trust on faith because sight truly just sees lots of ashes most days....and not just hers, but mine! Bringing her home has been the most fault magnifying thing I have ever done! But as a worship song says that we sing often at our church, I will beleive by faith I am who He says I am, and I will continue to try each day to learn how to be a mother to this life that God has entrusted to us!
And on May 19, it will be legal and official! Will be glad to have that day behind us and praying the impact of what it means will rock her to her core as someone has finally done what they said they would do!
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