Totally Undone

We went. We saw. We left. I fell apart. I am still not back together.

No words will ever be able to describe what happened to me...and John on August 12, 2010. I thought after 9 years in the adoption ministry, being to two African countries, numerous orphanages that shock and whatever it was that happened yesterday wouldn't happen again. I was wrong!

*****WARNING: Totally transparent post to follow! You are reading the words of a broken heart, a mother bear, who is still processing what she saw and what she is supposed to do about it. These are not thoughts that have been processed or neatly wrapped in a pretty package. These are raw emotions/thoughts that I am sharing in true transparency so those walking this journey of adoption/fostering with me or thinking about it can know that if this happens to them, they are not alone! If you think you might be offended by reading raw thoughts on an American orphanage...please don't read or if you do, don't judge, please!******

I am NEVER early! Yesterday, I was 10 minutes early to the group home. The kids and I drove around a bit then we went to the main office to wait for John. He arrived and we walked to the home. There are several homes beside the group home forming a horseshoe. The first one was the one we were told to go to. The head caretaker met us at the door and welcomed us in. She was very nice. The home was clean and you can tell an attempt was made to make it homey...but a house is not a home as we all know. It still felt sterile. It was dark. There were itty children everywhere! The caretaker looked at me and said, "Which one is he?" My eyes scanned the moving sea of children. I started to point then turned to her and said, "I don't want to pick because if I pick the wrong one, I will be embarrassed!" She laughed and said, "You were pointing at him." This little guy toddling in front of me with a Spiderman shirt and braids was Little Guy! His eyes were stunning...leery, but stunning. I bent down to talk to him and he took off running for the nearest big person he knew as familiar! I backed off and just talked to him and started talking to the other children. My brain and heart were trying to take in all I was seeing. About that time, the oldest boy in the home...maybe 7 or 8 walks up to me and says, "Are these new kids here?" referring to my children. My mommy heart wanted to wrap my arms around all my kids and scream, NO! And just as quickly my heart broke for that little boy who didn't have a mommy to feel the same about him. That was the first crack of many in my heart that would come in a flood in the next hour.

I had told John when we were talking about visiting that I wondered if we were supposed to visit because Little Guy might not be who we were supposed to take, but some other person there might be. Frankly, (remember I warned you that this is a truly raw and transparent post!) my first impression of Little Guy was not one of love at first sight.

I am convinced that Toben needs someone who looks like him in our family. Little Guy is bi-racial and very light skin toned. So that immediately made me question. Then there were the braids. When you foster, you can't cut their hair unless birth parents give you permission. And I think a lot of times, birth parents won't allow it because it is one of the only things they can control in a situation like that. All I could think of was what my mom and dad would say when they saw him! They are already very concerned and not thrilled about the idea of us adding to our family, his image definitely would not help that at all. My heart was almost shut immediately. But then we stayed.

I went and sat down on the floor and the kids stated coming over to me. Eventually, he got close enough that I could talk to him. I looked down and had the not-so-bright idea to give him one of my bracelets...remember I said there were itties EVERYWHERE! And each one wanted one of my bracelets. God was gracious and the rest seemed to melt away and it was just me and him. I would put it on my arm then put it on his and his eyes would light up and he would laugh. I gave him another and he put on on each arm. We were almost friends after that. John on the other hand was still sitting on the other side of the room because if he got anywhere close, Little Guy became *very* anxious.

They lined the kids up to go outside. As they were lining up, this little girl who had immediately caught my (and Callie's) eye came and put her arm around my shoulders (I was still sitting on the floor). She was gorgeous! She was bi-racial, but darker than Little Guy. When we walked in to the room, she was getting her hair done by one of the workers. It was puffy and beautiful! Her eye lashes were long and her eyes were stunning...much like Little Guy's. In fact, as I looked at them there together, I had to ask! "Are they related?" I had been told that Little Guy had three older siblings, but they were being placed in other places. I had gotten the impression that they were much older, so it really hadn't occurred to me until that moment that this might be his sister. But she was in fact Little Guy's sister! My heart stopped! Then I remembered my conversation with Buckner. Little Guy's sister had a home she was going to, but it would not be ready until mid August. I breathed again...a little disappointed actually to recall that fact. So I said, "but she has a home that she is going to, right?" The answer, "She did, but it fell through." What? Took a moment for my brain to process what I was hearing.

Then all the little ones were going outside, so I got up and we went out with them. There was a small back yard with several ride-on toys and a little playhouse. Ava went right out there like she owned the place and started playing in the play house. I heard a scream from the corner and it was the sister...someone had taken the bike she wanted. She spent most of the time outside sitting right in that place with a frown on her face! The rest of the time she spent in Callie's arms.

We talked more to the workers and asked some questions about Little Guy and sister. How are they together? Are they having visits? How do they interact with the other kids? Are there any major concerns that they see? Nothing alarming came out. But as I looked at the sea of children and as child after child came up to me with smiles, my heart just kept breaking.

Honestly, I couldn't process what I was seeing. My head knew that these children *lived* here. This was not a daycare. No parents were coming to pick them up in a few hours to take them home for a nice hot meal and tuck them in tonight with prayers and kisses. In fact, I found out that no one lives at the house. They are all only caretakers. I thought this group home had house parents, but not even that. Don't get me wrong, the workers were very nice and seemed to genuinely care about the kids, but they are not a mom and dad.

The kids went back inside and were seated in the dining room at a large table for dinner. Workers started bringing out white paper plates with half a sandwich, chips and pretzels on each one. They said a prayer and the children started eating. We took that as our cue to leave. I said bye to all the kids and went over to Little Guy and kissed his cheek. Not knowing if I was kissing my soon to be son bye or kissing a little boy I would never see again. My head was reeling from all I had just witnessed.

We walked out the door. We were only a few steps from the door when Ava says, "Can we keep the baby boy?" I kind of laughed and said, "He's not a puppy." To which she replied, "So can we take him home?" I was already fighting back tears and tried to squeak out, "We will have to see." We started the walk to our cars and about half way there, I lost it. Sobs...not just tears, but sobs from the core of my being! I was trying to hold it together in front of my kids, but the reality of what I just left hit me like a brick wall.

I.
Will.
Never.
Be.
The.
Same.

I had just seen my first American orphanage. They call it a group home. I don't care what words you call it, It. Is. An. Orphanage!

It's not like I haven't stayed in an orphanage before, much less visited numerous ones. I am still puzzled by my (and John's) reaction to the place. And don't get me wrong, the organization running the home is doing a great job at what it is. The home was clean, it was decorated to some extent, the children were all clean and well-dressed. The workers were nice and seemed to truly care for the children. But, it was not a home! There were no parents to kiss away hurts or say bed-time prayers or love these children with the love of a mommy and/or daddy!

We call ourselves a civilized society. Places like Liberia, well, we expect to see orphanages for children in need. Not. In. America! And specifically, Not. In. My. Backyard!

In about 15 minutes I went from devastated, to overwhelmed, to angry, to heartbroken, and then numb. Talk about sticking your head in the sand....I wanted to do just that! I wanted to take my family to eat, then go home and erase all I had seen. I wanted to pretend like I never heard of Little Guy or his sister and just go on with life with my five children in my happy, comfortable home and car.

But before the numbness hit, I made a phone call to Buckner to ask about the sister and tell them we were going to need some time to process before we could give an answer! I asked about becoming a group home so that we could take more than 6 kids (sister would put us up to seven). I didn't really have a clue what I was saying, all I knew was that if she didn't have a home, we were not taking him and leaving her behind! I could take her and leave him behind easier than I could leave her, but that really isn't going to happen either, I don't think. (remember....raw, transparency here!)

It wasn't until we stopped to eat and John and I were talking that he reminded me that neither of our cars will hold 7 kids and me! I couldn't even take the kids to school...forget going anywhere as a family in one car! My heart sank. That reality hit me like a ton of bricks.

Pretty well all night last night, I couldn't really think about what we needed to do. I couldn't really wrap my head around it. I tried to keep pushing it to the back...and had just about succeeded in forgetting for a moment as we had taken the kids to family night at the museum...there were all kinds of lizards, snakes, iguanas, fish, etc. It was a ton of fun! Ava even pet a hissing cockroach....grossed me out! In all that excitement two little people with frizzy hair were just about out of my mind when I turned a corner and there he was...Little Guy and his friends from the home were right in front of me! I went over and took him from his worker...he protested until he saw John then he clung to me for life. Not sure how that is really going to work if he comes to live with us....but with time, it will be ok. And the fact of the matter is as John and I talked this morning, he will be that way with anyone that he goes to live with! So someone has to say YES to this little man!

Even as we came home and I knew I had to start thinking about what we were going to decide for a placement, I couldn't find any peace or even any clarity of thought to even process it all. I finally just had to tell God that He was going to have to give me some rest and then provide clear answers in the morning.

As I woke this morning with a little on in bed with me (Ava snuck in some time during the night!), James 4:17 was running through my head: "Anyone who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." Well, that is pretty plain, isn't it. The problem at this moment is that I don't know the good I ought to do. I am still waiting for some answers.

But we are ready! We are ready to take them both. We just need a car. We don't have money for a car. But as our pastor preached last Sunday, God can super naturally rescue these two little kids. He can provide a car for us that will hold our family. I have already posted on my facebook that I will be calling dealerships today to find out if any are interested in donating a 12 passenger van. Ironically, well, I take that back, God isn't into irony, only divine planning! James 4, earlier in the chapter, holds another verse that God brought to mind this morning. Verse 2 says, "You do not have because you do not ask God."

So I am asking. I am asking God to provide a car so we can call Buckner and say, "get us approved as a group home!" We are taking them both! I am asking God and then I am going to make some calls to dealerships in faith asking them if they would donate a car or a portion of the price for a 12 passenger van. I am going to ask believing that God is a God of miracles and He cares enough about these two precious children to provide a miracle, a super natural rescue, for two little children who have stolen my heart and marked my life forever.

And those bracelets I talked about earlier? They were still on Little Guy's arms when I left...he kept my bracelets and a piece of my heart that I know will never be the same as long as I walk this earth!